If I Were a Superhero -The Toast

This very strange thing originally appeared on Work in Prowess.

If you could be a superhero, what kind of superhero would you be? If I were a superhero, I would be a superhero that lived in Boston, Massachusetts.

Once you hear the rest of my superhero plan, the Boston, Massachusetts thing will make perfect sense. Actually, scrap that: it makes perfect sense for the next superhero franchise to be in Boston. I get the feeling that if you walk into Ben Affleck’s production company, and show him a card that just says “Boston” on it, he’d pause, feed the dormouse that lives in his luscious beard and order a truck of money to be sent to my house. People love Boston!

My superhero’s name is HOUND. Not Hound. HOUND. HOUND is a police dog. She is the BEST police dog. She looks like this:

HOUND works with the Boston police force, because everyone is Boston is a policeman, a gangster or a fireman. Having never been to Boston, or America at all, I am 90% sure that nobody has a regular profession there. If you live in Boston, you are either Doing Crime or Fighting Crime (or fire). Anyway, HOUND is just a regular police dog, sniffing out drugs n’shit and arresting guys called Pockets O’Malley or Scabs McGee, when a bizarre science experiment turns HOUND into a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. By night! Only by night.

So, to clarify, HOUND by day looks like this:

By night, HOUND looks a little like Power Girl if Power Girl wore a dog costume.

Ok, so we’re all on the same page. Here’s how it works out: every issue HOUND discovers a crime that the Boston police can’t solve, and then by night, when she becomes a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, she solves the crime. She solves crime because she has super strength, super hearing, “animal instinct” (which is a direct rip-off of Spidey Sense) and .. uhm, has a sonic bark. That paralyzes people? Sure.

And the Boston police are like: DUDE, WHAT is going ON? and start throwing around words like ‘vigilante!’ because that’s how police react to people are trying to help them. Eventually, when everyone gets bored of this, a Romantic Lead will be introduced, in the form of a handsome policeman, played by Mark Wahlberg. HOUND and Mark Wahlberg have a Lois Lane/Clark Kent relationship. Y’know, when Lois is like “Piss off Clark!” and then all “You’re awesome, Superman!” Except this time around, nobody will think Mark Wahlberg is stupid, because HOUND is a dog by day, and not a terrible journalist.

HOUND’s worst enemy is HORSE. HORSE is an evil police horse and is also a spy for the Boston gangsters. He is ALWAYS thwarting HOUND.

Here he is thwarting HOUND in the snow.

Here is HORSE whispering a secret to another spy, who is a dog.

MORE THWARTING!

So that’s what I’m thinking about today, guys. Actually, that’s what I’ve been thinking about all week. How, if I were a superhero, my name would be HOUND, and I would be a police dog that turned into a beautiful woman at night, and I would fight crime, and then I would have a relationship with Mark Wahlberg.

What superhero would YOU be? Also: how is your day? Are you enjoying these horse pictures at all?