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As we’ve all learned from Tyra Banks, posing is one of life’s biggest challenges. Should you smile with your mouth opened or closed? Where are your hands supposed to go? And what to do with that human head? Yes, sometimes in this life you find yourself having your portrait taken with nature’s most challenging accessory, another human head. Good news! You have options. Now I’m no art historian, but I do know how to read faces. Compiled below are several takes on how you can present yourself should you end up in this situation, which, knowing you, is likely.
Hesitant But Determined
(Judith Beheading Holofernes, Caravaggio)
This is the same look you give the dishwasher after you’ve unloaded the top rack and are deciding whether or not to bother with bottom. But you are grown, you are capable, and you know that the way forward is to finish what you started. Whether removing the heads of your enemies or deciding to shave above the knee, you are a woman who finds deep satisfaction in completing life’s most irritating tasks.
Gleeful
(Fulvia with the Head of Cicero, Pavel Svedomsky)
You’ve won! There’s no shame in lording your superiority over the vanquished; it’s okay to feel okay, dig? Allow yourself to embrace the simple pleasure of giggling at the cold, blank eyes and pin-pierced tongue of He Who Has Wronged You. Besides, what’s the point of having a head around if you can’t get a kick out of it every now and then?
Jocular
(Judith and Holofernes (LXIXr), Nuremberg Chronicle)
There’s no rule that says you can’t turn a human head into a delightful and gory puppet! This is a masterful way of flipping an otherwise standard portrait of a lady displaying the head of a defeated man into a portrait of a funny lady displaying the head of a defeated man. Besides, everyone knows a good sense of humor really makes people seem approachable.
Bored
(Judith with the Head of Holofernes, Lucas Cranach the Elder)
You wonder what Mary’s up to, and if she’d be down for a drink later. After you’re finished here. Where you’ve been all morning. You catch your eyes drifting across the room. “How long do I have to hold this sword?” you ask yourself. Once you’ve seen one head you’ve seen them all, this look seems to say, and it makes no difference whether or not that head is attached to a living body.
Irritated
(Salome with the Head of John the Baptist, Sebastiano Del Piombo)
It suddenly strikes you (not unlike the way a head can be struck from a body): you’ve peaked. No matter what else happens in life, you’re always going to be “the woman who got someone’s head chopped off.” You’ll have to tell the story over and over, pose for paintings over and over, show off the head for company over and over. Does anyone want to hear your thoughts on the best way to sharpen a sword? Or your upcoming vacation to the seaside? No. It’s “Tell us about the head again!” forever.
Feigning Excitement
(Salome with the Head of John the Baptist, Onorio Marinari)
“Ohhh, look. A head. Check it out. Yep, here it is. I’m parading it around right now. I’m the one in charge of the head. It’s a big responsibility, I’m told. Smile? Sure, okay.”
*weakly pulls mouth into shape*
“Yaaaay.”
Insane
(The Climax, Aubrey Beardsley)
Here you are, floating through the sky, using that head like a balloon lifting you into the heavens. Your whole world’s gone topsy-turvy now that you’ve got that coveted human head, and you’ll be damned if you let things like “gravity” and “dimensions” hold you back any longer. Would it be weird if you kissed the face, like real quick for just one second? No weirder than anything else you’ve decided on here.
Apprehensive
(Salome with the Head of John the Baptist, Caravaggio)
There’s no getting around it: that is definitely a human head on your platter. Isn’t this what you wanted? The head? Well, here it is toots, hope you’re happy. It’s not every day you get to cart around the bean of a Saint, you know, and all of the second thoughts in the world ain’t gonna change the fact that you gotta be the one to carry it around. No one likes their job, you know. Just steel yourself and get it over with.
Orgasmic/Pre-Sneeze
(Judith I, Gustav Klimt)
Tits out, head back, eyes aflutter. Lopping off the brain-dome of a nemesis is a powerful feeling, but is it aphrodisiac powerful? Two things to consider if you decide on a sexy pose: the smell of a decomposing human head, and the weight of a decomposing human head. Also, your prop is out of frame. We know you’re beautiful, but please try to pay attention.
Alternatively, this might be a look captured right before a sneeze. Make sure to wash your hands before you grab a tissue; you’ve been clutching a human head for quite some time, and it is likely not very sanitary.
Tags: art, artwork, ashley spurgeon, heads, humor
That Klimt is serving up some Catherine Keener realness.
We CANNOT discuss Judith (the best painting subject of all time!) without mentioning my favorite version of her, by Jan Sanders van Hemessen. I am posting it behind a link because it is super nude, but here ’tis, in all its glory. (You know the one–Judith is hoisting a sword in the traditional “look at my guns” pose, with a male head forgotten in the shadows behind her. “Behold my might, mortals,” etc.)
And of course let’s not forget Artemisia Gentileschi’s super bloody take on things:
fucking spinal columns, amirite?
I love that nudie one! It looks like she’s cleaning earwax out with the sword hilt.
YES, perfect description. Simultaneously badass and completely nonchalant.
Badass, nonchalant, and yet with puzzlingly shaped breasts.
She knows the rules: safety first! Never put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear.
New and improved, with even more blood-spurting action! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Artemisia_Genti… (though I apologize, because I couldn’t remember how to put images in the right way)
My absolutely all time favorite artist, that Artemisia. And these two paintings are made even better (in my own opinion) because it is highly likely that the man depicted here as Holofernes, who is VIOLENTLY losing his own head, was the man who raped her in real life. She one of the only people to give this scene such a palpable sense of strength and struggle.
A woman after my own heart.
Thank you for linking the even more blood spurtier one! (Images: *img src=”url”* but with < and > for the *s)
Artemisia was a badass in so many ways, I love her.
SO GOOOOD. Chi-Toasties: Did you see the whole Judith show up at the art institute earlier this year? It was wonderful. Also, this Artemesia image seems weird to me? I remember…. more blood spurting from arteries? And I thought Judith’s dress was yellow?
Well-spotted! She actually painted two damn-near identical versions; the one CurrerBelle posted (above you) is the one you’re thinking of, I think.
Also JUDITH SHOW IN CHICAGO HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS.
they had the yellow-dress-blood-spurting version IRL!!!!!!! and all other versions paling in comparison beside it. It was fantastic.
Yes! I saw that! I just wandered right from a room of impressionists and then there was blood everywhere. It was great.
I am so, so sad i missed this.
also let’s not forget how Artemesia was legit the best-equipped woman of her time to deal with this content.
TRUTH TRUTH TRUTH. She was amazing.
The sword looks limp. How symbolic.
ARTEMISIA OR GTFO
Damn, look at those sinewy arms in the van Hemessen. She really looks like she’d eff you up.
YES YES YES on the Jan Sanders van Hemessen. Whenever I go to the Art Institute, I end up mesmerized in front of this. I would live in front of this painting if I could.
Judith and Salome, meeting for coffee and complaining about the double-edged sword of notoriety.
Is that Lena Dunham with someone’s head on a platter?
How about some Judith/Salome femslash this Friday? That would be lovely.
DO WANT.
Could also include Jael (of tent peg fame from Judges) for a poly triad.
MEN’S HEADS OFF THEIR BODIES AND ON SPIKES NOW
sry just making up for the misandry tag
You hate having to deal with severed heads, ewwwww,; but you’re a professional. it has to be done
“Can we at least blot up the blood first? I don’t want drips on my awesome silk wrap!”
“You want me to do WHAT with this head? Do you SEE the embroidery work on this gown? I mean honestly.”
The real challenge, of course, is keeping the head fresh long enough to find a painter who can fit you into his or her schedule. Beheading girls these days, who are all “LOL #beheading” in their selfie posts on Instagram, have no appreciation for how hard their foremothers had it!
if I ever get an Instagram I will make it my business to somehow, somewhere use #beheading
I did not previously know about Fulvia. I now know about Fulvia. My life is improved. Get it, gurl.
I DIED when I learned about Fulvia. This world needs more Fulvia.
Fulvia is a super-badass. And now you know.
Gotta love how Lucas Cranrach the Elder made a career out of painting wealthy redheaded ladies as Judith victorious 🙂
“Tell us about the head again!” Love it.
Some of these head-choppings animated
http://beautifuldecay.com/2014/04/08/classic-pain…
Smug.You severed that head, and you know you deserve to be proud of it.
Confrontational. “Yeah. I cut off his head. You wanna make something of it?”
Lady #2 has MAD TURBAN GAME. And damn, that face. Amazing.
She knows heads are harder to remove when weighed down with hats and sundry cloths.
https://www.indiana.edu/~iuam/provenance/view.php…
Dismissive: “Yeah, whatever. I cut his head off. Pffffft. Let’s get cheesy fries.”
Then there’s the non-chalant road trip pose:
“Oh this? Just something I picked up on the road.”
And don’t forget the “UGH, Dad, I behead people like EVERY DAY, why are you painting my portrait, this is super embarrassing” pose:
(I love beheading art. I am now really frustrated that I never tagged all the beheading paintings on my art tumblr and may have to go back and do that.)
“We’re gettin’ aheaad in life/As we’re headin’ down the road…”
YES YES YES on the Jan Sanders van Hemessen. Whenever I go to the Art Institute, I end up mesmerized in front of this. I would live in front of this painting if I could.
Yeah, so this post officially inspired me to add a decapitation tag to my art blog. No regrets.
I have been madly in love with this Bernardino Luini Salome since I first saw it in the Louvre as a teenager in the 1980s. She looks like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth. Put a baby on that platter instead of a head and she could be a Madonna. I was fascinate by how calm and blasé she was about the whole thing. Back then the Mona Lisa was in the same gallery and while it had some extra security it wasn’t hung that much differently from the rest of the paintings. I walked right past Mona and lost my heart to Salome. http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6…
oh hai it’s my old BA thesis <3
I like the van Hemessen, but I'm disturbed–she's doing the Escher Girls pose ( ), in the 16th century.
I wish these had been my footnotes in my college paper on Caravaggio’s Judith. Four years too late. Ah, well.
This is my favorite: http://www.nga.gov/content/ngaweb/Collection/art-…
I find this “nonchalant with a silly hat” version of David very amusing: http://www.wikiart.org/en/guido-reni/david-with-t….