Previously: two monks invent medieval art.
MONK #1: hey how big are most eyes
MONK #2: like on the human face?
MONK #1: oh yes for sure the eyes people have on their faces
MONK #2: oh man
at least half the size of the face
it’s actually crazy how much of your face is just eyes
definitely at least half
MONK #1: thanks
MONK #2: no problem
MONK #1: hey has anyone ever smiled do you think
MONK #2: no
MONK #1: no i mean like
just once even
MONK #2: no
MONK #1: but what about –
MONK #2: no
MONK #1: what did Jesus look like
MONK #2: oh that’s a really good question
MONK #1: thanks
MONK #2: he had the longest face in the world
MONK #1: really
MONK #2: oh yes his face was so long he could see the sunrise while his mouth was still asleep
MONK #1: wow
MONK #2: and tiny little shrimp eyes
mouth so small he actually couldn’t talk
he could only whistle
MONK #1: no kidding
MONK #2: yeah they called him Whistlin’ Jesus
so the longest face in the world but then also stretched off a little to the right
like his one cheekbone just got yanked out a little bit
MONK #1: okay hang on let me write this down
MONK #2: and the other thing is that he always looked just absolutely furious
or else like his face was a candle and it was melting towards the floor just a little bit
those were probably the two major ways that he looked ever
MONK #2: oh and all of his fingers were broken
so they just folded into crazy positions all the time
MONK #1: what did Jesus look like as a baby
with his mother
MONK #2: VERY upset
and surrounded by people wearing gold
MONK #1: really
MONK #2: yeah but he’s really upset about it
so he’s sort of pushing them away with his hands
MONK #2: the important thing to remember if you’re drawing Mary
is that her whole eyes and face line up in a perfect T surrounded by empty space
and Jesus is just furious with her
MONK #1: what do people look like when they’re just with their friends
sort of relaxing and normal, outside together
MONK #2: they stand in a straight line and look straight ahead of them
nobody makes eye contact
and they all point at something different
MONK #1: right right
and people can’t bend at the waist right
MONK #2: right nobody can bend at the waist ever
that’s never happened
Tags: art history, artwork, inventing things, monks
1: what’s like the major color of most backgrounds
2: what do you mean
1: like the sky, walls, whatever
2: oh gold
definitely gold
1: all of them tho?
2: yeah
all gold
3: All gold errythang
OH MY GOD. THIS IS MY NEW FAVORITE THING THE-TOAST HAS EVER PUBLISHED. AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH
Seconded!
someone make this into a book and sell it to me immediately.
YES, I vote for two monks explaining things forever, please.
I would LOVE this to be a regular thing.
PLEASE
PLEAAAAAAASE
very important primary source document for art history majors
Cf. Ortberg, 2014.
a baby, of course, looks like a regular man who has stepped into that willy wonka machine that shrinks people.
eyy!
That’s why Whistlin’ Baby Jesus always looked so angry.
With a Supremes haircut.
Byzantine Art: Making Christianity look sad and scary for hundreds of years
oh honey, just you WAIT for the Renaissance, we have got some triptychs coming for you
What would someone do if they saw a dude on a horse attacking a dragon?
I dunno just kick back probably
important to remember a dragon is much, much smaller than a horse and is also just a snake
HAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, you win all the ribbons today (“…just kick back…”). Still smiling….!
Image is broken. :((((((
1) this is amazing
2) is it weird that I squealed in joy when I saw the second pic because that big eyed mosaic lady (I call her Kitty for obvious reasons) is one of the first pieces I always go to see at the Met?
3) I can’t go in the medieval art rooms at the Met anymore because I get giggly and people give me dirty looks.
Oh my god, Kitty. I want to go to museums so often that I have nicknames for the art.
Right?? I have gone to the MFA in Boston often enough that I do have a painting that I go to the museum just to visit it, though. I didn’t nickname it, because it’s a landscape and that would just be silly.
I named my Rothko at the SFMoMA “Sebastian.”
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who does that. There’s a Zhang dynasty dragon in the Asia gallery that I call Charlie.
help I can’t stop laughing
WHISTLIN’ JESUS oh my god I’m practically in tears at work ahahahaha.
RIGHT? That’s exactly where I lost it and just started shaking uncontrollably at my desk trying not to laugh out loud.
I’m doing that right now, and I’m not even at MY desk in the BACK, I’m on the public service desk in the YA department there are homeschoolers everywhere help help help me
you are doomed
“tiny shrimp eyes” is what got me and now I am dead.
You should see the facial contortions I am doing in an effort to stave off never-ending laughter.
If someone asks what you are up to, in lieu of saying “Just whistlin” Dixie” respond instead with “Just WHISTLIN’ JESUS”. it’s a phrase for every occasion!
Monk 2 is like your dad, when he really has no clue how to answer your questions about anything, but he’s too embarrassed to admit that so he just makes shit up.
MONK DAD MAGAZINE
haahhahahahah this is great. Its all symbolism– nothing is supposed to look “realistic” necessarily. But as an Orthodox Christian, this is hilarious, no doubt.
this snapchat one from Buzzfeed makes my LIFE:
jesus is always SO pissed off!
this one should be called Side-eye Mary
I am not nor have I ever been a Christian, but I’d pray to Our Lady of Side-Eye.
do babies have the same kind of head-to-body ratios as adult people?
you mean instead of giant heads that are as wide as their torsos?
yeah
a baby head is half as wide and half as long as the baby’s body
cool, that’s what I thought
Oh my god, please do Mannerist art next. Madonna of the Long Neck please please please please please
PLEASE this is all I want for Christmas and/or my birthday.
I’m holding out for Cubism myself. Modern monks, whatever.
Picasso and Picasso’s Cat Invent Cubism
What does everything look like?
IDK, squares?
how big was the virgin mary?
oh, like, super huge
you mean like fat?
no i mean she was just really big. like twice as big as a person. maybe twice and a half.
cool man thanks
no but really this looks a little crazy, how big was mary in relation to like, angels?
++Virgin+and+Child+with+Angels.jpg)
i fuckin told you man, like twice as big
twice as big as an angel?
yeah twice as big, even with angels
okay bro
Okay, I thought “…just kick back…” by Jaya won all my internet ribbons, but you just stepped up to the podium and joined hands. Love, love, love your words!
Maybe the Virgin Mary came from a long line of giantesses we don’t know that’s NOT true.
Well she is often referred to as “above all women,” so I see no reason not to take that literally.
They all have the SAME FACE.
That angel miss on the bottom left is a real rebel.
Aww, look at them, all stonefaced with their pretty wing feathers.
I immediately thought of this:
Omg, I just want to marry Kate McKinnon every day
She is the only reason I watch SNL. I sometimes accidentally start doing Kate McKinnon/Angela Merkel and can’t stop myself.
“Eins ist the loneliest number.”
“Jesus have broken his arm, an it was wrap up in a leedle jelly roll scroll”
Between you and me, Seth, I think he has had some work done. I do not ask him, though, it’s not my place!
This series is perfect.
Laughing in my office.
Not trying to hide it.
Excellent. Even if I despise the word Byzantine.
What has Byzantine done to you?
It’s too complicated.
HAAAAAA
IDK what your problem is. My husband & his Serbian Orthodox family all look EXACTLY like these images. Nobody bends at the waist ever, and they all have huge eyes except my FIL who has little shrimp eyes. I’m not saying he’s Jesus, but I am saying he fell off a two story roof and survived. Family gatherings involve lots of standing around and pointing at things. It’s… a little uncomfortable, actually.
y’all I had to stop reading the comments because trying not to laugh is killing me, help
What do giraffes look like, man?
Oh, you know. Kind of like an angry, shiny dog.
Wait til they do monkeys.
Actually, pretty much everything is a modified dog to these guys. I don’t think they ever went outdoors to see any other animals or human beings, just a lot of dogs.
what about a leopard?
what the fuck is a leopard
kind of a big cat, I think
oh, probably kind of like an angry, shiny dog, but also like a snake a little.
cool thanks
so tempted to change my username to “Whistlin’ Jesus” but I will resist. I WILL RESIST.
Do it! Doooooo ittttttt!
My Twitter name has been “Two-Pen Eadwin” for at least a year because of this series.
Byzantine Perspective: like, what if, things that were closer to the viewer, were drawn smaller, and things that were farther away were drawn LARGER? It’d be like, how, like if you were God, I’m not saying you are, you’re pretty cool, but you ain’t God, muchacho–but if you were. Were God. You could see EVERYTHING at once. And this would be just like that, you know, but in art form.
Holy shit Methodios, why did you give me this stuff? You know I gotta drive later.
re: second one
If a man is bringing a lady some flowers, what would he carry them in do you think?
Oh, definitely a giant Bugle.
Like the chips?
Duh
In all fairness, that thing where babies grab your chin and twist it while pushing your face away with their tiny claws is pretty accurate, so that one at least is true-to-life.
In this picture, the model struggled to keep a straight face while the artist made faces and said “is that a smile? I saw a smiiiiiiiiiiiiile!“
This one reminds me of Red Skelton.
What if, like, that IS what ppl looked like back then. How would we know, Mallory? HOW WOULD WE KNOW?
With a Supremes haircut.
3: All gold errythang
My undergrads will be excited to see another Toast article on the week’s reading list, paired with Flannery O’Connor’s “Parker’s Back.” True story.
My undergrads will be excited to see another Toast article on the week's reading list, paired with Flannery O'Connor's "Parker's Back." True story.
http://squishyjesus.blogspot.com/
http://squishyjesus.blogspot.com/
“Thus [Greek artists] produced a constant stream of figures in this style, with frightened eyes, outstretched hands and on the tips of their toes, as in San Miniato outside Florence between the door of the sacristy and that of the convent, and in Santo Spirito in the same city, all the side of the cloister towards the church, and in Arezzo in S. Gitiliano and S. Bartolommeo and other churches, and at Rome in old San Pietro in the scenes about the windows, all of which are more like monsters than the representation of anything existing.”
— Giorgio Vasari, Lives of the Most Excellent Painters, Sculptors, and Architects
Well, a of all, Whistlin’ Jesus is my new personal deity.
And second of b, “not one of his bones shall be broken”? I call HERESY on Broken-Fingered Jesus, and will fight him, under the banner of my new personal deity, Whistlin’ Jesus.
I thought I knew stuff about stuff. How wrong I was…My life will forever more be divided into BA and AA (Before Article and After Article). Not for the first time I think I am a little bit in love with Mallory!
“oh yes his face was so long he could see the sunrise while his mouth was still asleep”
This is poetry.
there’s a companion piece to that third image down about Empress Theodora and I had to write a compare/contrast paper on that piece and the Bust of Nefertiti and let me tell YOU there are some crazy interesting similarities to it!!! the only paper i can ever remember having fun writing, and i went two pages over the recommended maximum amount.
Among all the stylized icon faces, the two men on the right and left sides of image #4 are eerily real, like they had time-traveled back and were stuck holding still for that pose. I feel like I could recognize them on a street.
As an Orthodox Christian heading into Pascha next week (we finally get to celebrate Easter! yaaaaay!), this is the best. I’mma be staring at a lot of icons during Holy Week services, so this’ll give me something else to think about other than not burning my fingers while I play with my lit candle.