Liz Watson’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.
1. I lend Kafka on the Shore to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and he doesn’t care for it and I’m not even mad because I like and respect him enough to trust his reasoning.
2. His assistant always forwards my calls to him and knows when it’s my birthday and suggests presents for me to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson which are always perfectly attuned to my taste.
3. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s on The Tonight Show and references an inside joke that we have, and Jimmy Fallon laughs like he gets it and I’m at home watching like, “No you don’t, you overgrown Playmobil Boy Scout.” I immediately text this to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and it becomes a new inside joke.
4. We are playing D&D over Skype with our DM Vin Diesel, who is filming on location in Fiji. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is playing as a war-mage, and keeps trying to cast “Storm of Smegma”. The first two times Vin Diesel checks for the spell in the manual. The third time our giggling tips him off and he sighs, “It’s not going to be worth it to coordinate around the time difference if you guys don’t take this seriously.”
5. When I am immersed in a subsuming fit of unhappiness, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson does not act inconvenienced or burdened. Nor does he ignore it. I don’t know how he handles it, but I know he does so perfectly.
6. We are on the phone talking and watching Casablanca in our separate homes and it’s exactly like in When Harry Met Sally except we never, ever wind up sleeping together.
7. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson never, EVER flakes on plans 10 minutes before you’re due to meet so that you’re left sweaty and wondering how much longer you need to sit at this bar to make it look like you’re there on purpose and not because you got stood up. This is despite the fact that he has the perfect excuse to flake, being the recipient of the 2001 ‘Choice Sleazebag’ Teen Choice Award for his role in The Scorpion King.
8. One year we go as Fezzik and Inigo for Halloween. The next year we go as Asterix and Obelix, and both years we have to explain our costumes to way too many people.
9. He tries to take me to the gym and I bitch about it. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson does not think this is funny. Not because he thinks I need to lose weight, but because he wants me to take better care of myself.
10. When Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson calls by accident at 3am because he’s filming in Tunisia and his internal clock’s all messed up, I’m not angry. I just listen. “How are you?” I ask. There’s a long pause before he quietly says, “I’m gonna be honest. I’m not too great.”
11. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson calls me over for his cheat days and I don’t let him pick the toppings off his pizza, not matter how many shirtless scenes he has to film.
12. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is the very first person outside my bloodline—friends, lovers, anyone—I bring to North Carolina to see my grandmother, whose mind Alzheimer’s made a meal of long ago. And as she lays there, rictus and groaning/wheezing like a living Halloween decoration, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson successfully conceals whatever pity or fear or disgust he feels and pulls out his guitar (like so) and he and I sing to her for about 35 minutes, which is as long as I can spend in her company without absolutely losing it. In the car, he doesn’t say anything and I’m so grateful for this I could kiss his hand. (On the same North Carolina trip, he eats real barbeque for the first time and flips out.) (Then we go to Carowinds.)
13. His girlfriend, Lauren Hashian, and my boyfriend are really cool with each other and actually make a pretty great team on Time Crisis II when Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and I are battling for air hockey supremacy at the arcade. (In this fantasy, arcades are a central part of any adult social gathering.)
14. I hate driving, so I almost never visit him in LA. We have a huge fight about this and it’s not cute and some really awful stuff is said. We don’t talk for a long time, until one day we do. Forgiveness is given freely and wordlessly.
15. Once—just once—he locks his arm at a 90 degree angle and lets me do a pull-up on his bicep. This is my profile picture for about six weeks.
Tags: dreams, dwayne “the rock” johnson, friendship, liz watson
yes, this will do nicely.
Where’s that thing you made with the picture of the Rock carrying flowers, I think this thread could use it.
Oh, this old thing? http://t.co/ptjjnWWe6b
😉
THAT’S THE ONE
also this: https://twitter.com/IceBergMama/status/4644538862…
Carowinds!!!!!!!!!!!
I…thank you, madam.
:contented sigh:
Just think – there are people in this world who get to eat pizza with The Rock, and people who get to play Dungeons & Dragons with Vin Diesel. Maybe there is a god after all.
I am concerned that you are some kind of mind wizard who has read into my deepest desires.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is the best friend.
There are so many incredible details here that it’s hard to choose a favorite but I think it’s either D&D with Vin Diesel or the significant others playing Time Crisis II.
The Scorpion King! What a wonderful awful movie.
Also this post is amazing and I may have teared up a little. A+
“I’m gonna be honest. I’m not too great.”
Oh, The Rock. I am here for you.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT OUT OF MY FRIENDSHIP WITH DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON
Mine too, but with more pancakes. Always pancakes.
Also he picks me up occasionally, but only because he knows I’m cool with that; it’s not like FANTASY BEST FRIEND MR. THE ROCK goes around bodily picking up women willy-nilly.
(He lets me call him Mr. The Rock because the honorific amuses him.)
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson will always let you have the first pancake that he makes on Pancake Cheat Day.
The detail about the Cheat Days is 100% based in fact, they are real and they are SPECTACULAR http://instagram.com/p/e4RTgOIh42/
#dontcheatyourselfTREATyourself is going to be my new life motto.
HOLY SHIT.
The second pancake’s the best one. The first one isn’t as good, that’s why you let your little brother have it.
Wait.
THAT’S NOT TRUE. MY PARENTS LIED TO ME.
ALSO GET BETTER AT DRIVING
NO NEED TO DRIVE WHEN DWAYNE AND I HAVE A BICYCLE BUILT FOR TWO!
lahv it.
you have convinced me that the rock would be a great BFF. lol. maybe if i dig out my old “CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN” WWF t-shirt, he’d sign it for me!
I have this bar acquaintance I watch college football games with in the fall, and one day I discovered that he knew Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson through a series of hometown and college athlete buddies. He told me an anecdote about being at a club with The Rock in which, on the dancefloor, The Rock picked this guy up and sat him on one shoulder while continuing to fist pump with his other arm.
I bring this up to say that scenes from your imaginary friendship with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson probably aren’t all that different than scenes from a real life friendship with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
::dies::
::dies with you::
This is precisely, exactly, what we all needed. And especially today. I’m just going to wrap this piece around me like a soft wooly blanket and snuggle in it forever.
(In my mind, he is the best workout buddy; if you’re new and intimidated, he explains how all the machines work and what they do, but only if you ask him to and in a completely not-condescending way. And no matter how sad or small or puny you feel in the gym, he always says “Great workout, buddy!” and MEANS IT. And when you confess that sometimes you hate your body, he doesn’t try to talk you out of it, he just listens and maybe lets you cry a little, and tells you about how he sometimes doesn’t like what he sees in the mirror either. And then you share a big and slightly sweaty hug and both feel much better.)
It makes me so, so happy, when The Rock posts a workout photo/tweet thing when I’m on my way to the gym in the morning, even if I’m just going to do a doofy aerobics class. He wouldn’t judge my choice of workout, he’d just be happy for me that I’m doing something.
This is like slipping into a hot bath after a long day. Perfect.
ONLY SIX WEEKS???
Right? It would remain mine for life
What if The Rock reads this and is so charmed not only by the piece, but also the site’s content and commenting community that he starts posting and we all end up being his friend WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT. And he never reveals himself, because he doesn’t want to use his fame to garner adoration, but judged fairly by his own wit, charm, and kindness. He becomes a staple, and we are all the better for it.
::props head in hands, sighs deeply in utter contentment::
What if he already is.
Has anyone ever seen ilikemints and The Rock in the same room? Really makes you think.
this is the best fanfic sequel this post could have had.
Someone needs to make this so.
“When I am immersed in a subsuming fit of unhappiness, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson does not act inconvenienced or burdened. Nor does he ignore it. I don’t know how he handles it, but I know he does so perfectly.”
He sends you Snapchats of his biceps with smiley faces INCLUDING googly eyes, OBVIOUSLY.
This is one of those posts about which I have nothing coherent to add beyond AAAAAA I LOVE THIS SO MUCH
OVERGROWN PLAYMOBIL BOY SCOUT
I am a far better person for having read that. I think it explains why I have never felt entirely comfortable with Jimmy Fallon.
I heard Dwayne the Rock Johnson would even marry every single woman so that they do not get raped!
Wait, what!?
Context: http://jezebel.com/violence-against-women-will-en…
Ah. Okay then.
I love this and it is exactly what I needed today. Thank you so much.
But is he a face or a heel? Tell us
This is a pretty good friendship with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
You know, once I was invited to an orgy by a friend of mine who looks very very much like Vin Diesel, but I didn’t go.
The Rock playing a ukulele and singing to Michael Caine. That’s all :http://youtu.be/Mw_tC8vfdUE
Someone needs to make this so.
I have been a huge fan of Dwayne The Rock Johnson for many, many years, and I am deeply gratified to see him finally receiving the love and attention I have always known he deserves.
Two things –
1) Has anyone seen Southland Tales? It is the best movie ever, but also maybe it doesn’t exist in this temporal plane. Find it and watch it, if you can.
2) If Dwayne The Rock Johnson is not your headcannon for Shadow in American Gods, you are wrong.
Southland Tales is an amazing movie. For several weeks during my freshman year in college, my friends and I watched it every weekend. It was a trippy time.
Also I 100% agree with the Rock as Shadow. So perfect.
I had never considered who might play Shadow, but this is perfect! If Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was cast as Shadow in a film adaptation I would definitely go see it. And I wasn’t all that impressed with the book. (Unpopular opinion? I dunno, I think Gaiman’s strength is in short story writing, and American Gods seemed like 2 novellas smashed together: one about the gods, and one about the town with all the missing children. The resolution just didn’t work very well for me, and it seemed disjointed. u.u)
I bought my sister an autographed picture of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson for Christmas last year? Two years ago? Doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I sent her this and we both agreed that Mr. The Rock is THE BEST FRIEND.
ASTERIX AND OBELIX OMGGGGGG!!!! Belgian comics I read in middle school French class FTW!!!
I have had my parents’ number in my phone as “Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson” for seven years so that when they call me I can pretend it’s Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and this article has only made my love for him more true
Between this and Autostraddle’s If You Were My Boo: 28 Things We’d Do On a Date With Samira Wiley I’m just a useless pile of dreamy sighs and hearteyes right now.
Between this and Autostraddle's If You Were My Boo: 28 Things We’d Do On a Date With Samira Wiley I'm just a useless pile of dreamy sighs and hearteyes right now.
Completely loved this