Previously: Nicole’s list of demands.

1. A re-edited version of the original Footloose where the townspeople are not simply forbidden to dance but magically cursed such that they are unable to do so until a spell is lifted.

2. For all Alec Baldwin-narrated documentaries about the Arctic to end on a cheerful note with absolutely no mention of the catastrophic effects of global warming or enormous graphics depicting the scale of current polar melt.

3. A cop/detective procedural that takes place only after office hours at the protagonists’ homes.

4. For Christopher Hitchens to rise from the grave and apologize to me because I have made him finally realize that women are funny. He also apologizes for never buttoning the top two buttons on his shirt in life.

5. As a society, we mutually agree to start caring about pets again at about the level we did in the 1980s — we won’t keep animals out in the backyard all night, but we don’t refer to buying a dog as an “adoption” and the phrase “it’s just an animal” won’t get you killed in certain parts of San Francisco. Declawing a cat will be seen as normal as spaying or neutering it, rather than the moral equivalent of sawing off a toddler’s hands without anesthesia.

6. A re-edited version of It Could Happen To You where Rosie Perez gets to keep all her money and her jewels and her fur and becomes Queen of New York and Bridget Fonda and Nic Cage move to Peoria and open a coffee shop for mealy-mouthed invertebrates.

7. For the phrase “So I wrote a thing/Here’s a thing I wrote” to disappear silently and painlessly from all human languages overnight.

8. To grow so strong in wisdom that a white stripe develops in my hair overnight, just like Bonnie Raitt’s.

9. To have every male writer for Saturday Night Live and The Daily Show pay me formal tribute in the form of a tenth of their income every year.

10. A cave to live in that is half hobbit-hole and half witch-palace.

11. For the treehouse part of Disneyland to stop being Tarzan-themed and go back to being Swiss Family Robinson-themed; the return of the Skybuckets.

12. Absolute certainty that no one on my Gchat list is purposely ignoring my messages.

13. That one book I had when I was eleven, with the cover of the scary-eyed man on the front clutching the side of a cliff. I don’t remember the name or what it was about.

14. To have biological grandchildren without ever having children.

15. For hitchhiking to become socially acceptable again, but it’s only legal for women to do it (trans- and gender-queer inclusive).

16. The ability to tuck pants or leggings into tall boots effortlessly and without lines or bumps the way that rich women do.

17. An all-lesbian remake of Love & Basketball where Brittney Griner plays Omar Epps’ character and I get a job as a production assistant on set and we slowly fall in love.

18. For Bellamy Young and Kerry Washington to have breakfast and do the crossword with me while wearing linen robes every morning.

19. To get a full scholarship dedicated to helping sedentary women nearing 30 to get combined Master’s degrees in ancient Roman/American Civil War/World War I (but just the Western Front parts) military history.

20. A version of Brokeback Mountain where Jack lives and Ennis agrees to move to Denver and get an apartment together in a quiet part of town.

21. For Kristen Stewart to come out tomorrow morning.

22. To never have read The Mists of Avalon.

23. To not have that gene that makes cilantro taste like soap, because it is in all of the best kinds of food.

24. To know exactly what will happen to me when I die and to have it be the thing I hope it is.

25. For more critical analyses of the works of C.S. Lewis besides just pointing out the Susan Problem.

26. For texting while driving to be completely safe and also muscle-building somehow.

27. To be able to do wall sits for two minutes. Also to be able to touch my toes without bending my knees.

28. For even my greatest enemies to concede that I am this generation’s non-musical Noel Coward.

29. For my impression of Sidney Greenstreet to be improved by 40%.

30. For the one time I tried to fly by taping construction-paper wings to my arms and jumping off a very low branch on the tree in my front yard to have actually worked, just the one time, and for no one else to know about it but me.

31. For every Subway that offers avocado to have actual avocados instead of those little plastic packs of vacuum-sealed unflavored guacamole they scoop onto your sandwich with a paddle.

32. To have gone to a real college.

33. To have a working understanding of the geography of the East Coast, or at least remember whether Boston is north or south of New York City without having to draw a map.

34. To finally see the original ending of Pretty in Pink where Andie and Duckie get together and stick it to Blaine, who majorly sucks.

35. For definitive, unarguable proof that 90% of the actresses in Hollywood in the 1930s were majorly gay and all dating each other so that no one could ever again say “she just liked to wear pants!”

36. For liking The Big Bang Theory to be socially acceptable among my cohort.

37. For all trains to have sleeper-car tickets that cost less than 1/3rd the price of a plane ticket.

38. To get back my original tape of The Land Before Time with the commercial for Pizza Hut on it, and for the little girl who voiced Ducky to not have been murdered immediately after making it. Failing that, to not remember that the little girl who voiced Ducky was murdered after making The Land Before Time.

39. For barn dances to become a regular feature of society again.

40. For Toby Keith to be my best friend.