Previously: Nicole’s list of demands.
1. A re-edited version of the original Footloose where the townspeople are not simply forbidden to dance but magically cursed such that they are unable to do so until a spell is lifted.
2. For all Alec Baldwin-narrated documentaries about the Arctic to end on a cheerful note with absolutely no mention of the catastrophic effects of global warming or enormous graphics depicting the scale of current polar melt.
3. A cop/detective procedural that takes place only after office hours at the protagonists’ homes.
4. For Christopher Hitchens to rise from the grave and apologize to me because I have made him finally realize that women are funny. He also apologizes for never buttoning the top two buttons on his shirt in life.
5. As a society, we mutually agree to start caring about pets again at about the level we did in the 1980s — we won’t keep animals out in the backyard all night, but we don’t refer to buying a dog as an “adoption” and the phrase “it’s just an animal” won’t get you killed in certain parts of San Francisco. Declawing a cat will be seen as normal as spaying or neutering it, rather than the moral equivalent of sawing off a toddler’s hands without anesthesia.
6. A re-edited version of It Could Happen To You where Rosie Perez gets to keep all her money and her jewels and her fur and becomes Queen of New York and Bridget Fonda and Nic Cage move to Peoria and open a coffee shop for mealy-mouthed invertebrates.
7. For the phrase “So I wrote a thing/Here’s a thing I wrote” to disappear silently and painlessly from all human languages overnight.
8. To grow so strong in wisdom that a white stripe develops in my hair overnight, just like Bonnie Raitt’s.
9. To have every male writer for Saturday Night Live and The Daily Show pay me formal tribute in the form of a tenth of their income every year.
10. A cave to live in that is half hobbit-hole and half witch-palace.
11. For the treehouse part of Disneyland to stop being Tarzan-themed and go back to being Swiss Family Robinson-themed; the return of the Skybuckets.
12. Absolute certainty that no one on my Gchat list is purposely ignoring my messages.
13. That one book I had when I was eleven, with the cover of the scary-eyed man on the front clutching the side of a cliff. I don’t remember the name or what it was about.
14. To have biological grandchildren without ever having children.
15. For hitchhiking to become socially acceptable again, but it’s only legal for women to do it (trans- and gender-queer inclusive).
16. The ability to tuck pants or leggings into tall boots effortlessly and without lines or bumps the way that rich women do.
17. An all-lesbian remake of Love & Basketball where Brittney Griner plays Omar Epps’ character and I get a job as a production assistant on set and we slowly fall in love.
18. For Bellamy Young and Kerry Washington to have breakfast and do the crossword with me while wearing linen robes every morning.
19. To get a full scholarship dedicated to helping sedentary women nearing 30 to get combined Master’s degrees in ancient Roman/American Civil War/World War I (but just the Western Front parts) military history.
20. A version of Brokeback Mountain where Jack lives and Ennis agrees to move to Denver and get an apartment together in a quiet part of town.
21. For Kristen Stewart to come out tomorrow morning.
22. To never have read The Mists of Avalon.
23. To not have that gene that makes cilantro taste like soap, because it is in all of the best kinds of food.
24. To know exactly what will happen to me when I die and to have it be the thing I hope it is.
25. For more critical analyses of the works of C.S. Lewis besides just pointing out the Susan Problem.
26. For texting while driving to be completely safe and also muscle-building somehow.
27. To be able to do wall sits for two minutes. Also to be able to touch my toes without bending my knees.
28. For even my greatest enemies to concede that I am this generation’s non-musical Noel Coward.
29. For my impression of Sidney Greenstreet to be improved by 40%.
30. For the one time I tried to fly by taping construction-paper wings to my arms and jumping off a very low branch on the tree in my front yard to have actually worked, just the one time, and for no one else to know about it but me.
31. For every Subway that offers avocado to have actual avocados instead of those little plastic packs of vacuum-sealed unflavored guacamole they scoop onto your sandwich with a paddle.
32. To have gone to a real college.
33. To have a working understanding of the geography of the East Coast, or at least remember whether Boston is north or south of New York City without having to draw a map.
34. To finally see the original ending of Pretty in Pink where Andie and Duckie get together and stick it to Blaine, who majorly sucks.
35. For definitive, unarguable proof that 90% of the actresses in Hollywood in the 1930s were majorly gay and all dating each other so that no one could ever again say “she just liked to wear pants!”
36. For liking The Big Bang Theory to be socially acceptable among my cohort.
37. For all trains to have sleeper-car tickets that cost less than 1/3rd the price of a plane ticket.
38. To get back my original tape of The Land Before Time with the commercial for Pizza Hut on it, and for the little girl who voiced Ducky to not have been murdered immediately after making it. Failing that, to not remember that the little girl who voiced Ducky was murdered after making The Land Before Time.
39. For barn dances to become a regular feature of society again.
40. For Toby Keith to be my best friend.
Tags: demands, dreams, non-negotiables
#37 YES I want to do cross-country trains all the time but it’s just not AFFORDABLE.
These are all reasonable.
Welcome BACK, Mallory. WELCOME BACK.
21. For Kristen Stewart to come out tomorrow morning.
I want Kristen Stewart’s coming out narrative to become a bedtime story for babyqueers. Does that make any sense at all?
ETA: Like maybe you would lay down and Edith Windsor would stroke your hair and tell you the story of Kristen Stewart, who came out of the closet and then burned down Hollywood and rebuilt it from its ashes and made real the dream of meaningful representation in media for all?
Hahaha. Oh my god. I totally read that one wrong until I read your comment. I was super confused, like, Mallory wants KStew to come out of the house tomorrow morning? And get her picture taken by paparazzi because how else will she know KStew came out? Or is Mallory just stalking KStew, and wants her to leave the house so she can continue this activity?
Where is my brain. Not in my head or the building I’m in, clearly.
#3 would practically be actual Castle, except what about Ryan and Esposito??
hahahahha that was my first thought
11 – yes, goddamn it. Swiss Family Robinson forever!
I had no idea this had happened. It’s…I can’t conceive why anyone thought it was a good idea.
I was obsessed with the Swiss Family Robinson movie as a child, but also completely terrified of the scene with the huge water snake. Little did I know that they were horrible special effects. I only knew that huge water snakes that could kill you were abominations.
AND for the restaurant at Tom Sawyer’s Island to come back at Disney World, where you could sit on a shady porch and eat reasonably-priced and delicious fried chicken and peanut-butter sandwiches while watching the paddleboat float by and almost forget you were at Disney World at all! (My mom made it very clear that a daily, hour-long break at this restaurant was the only way she could endure our annual Disney vacation.)
It still is the Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse at WDW! I LOVE the Swiss Family Robinson, but I can only ever convince like one of my brothers to go up there with me. I want their outdoor kitchen.
Number 14, so much. Or to just have kids that are in their 20’s once I am in my 50’s, but not have to birth them/deal with them until they are functioning adults with jobs who can drink with me.
I’m gonna do that!!
(Okay, I did the birthing/raising/dealing part, but my youngest was born when I was 30, so when I’m 50 he’ll be 20 & the other one will be 25 and it’ll be such fun. Plus then they’ll have kids sometime maybe and I’ll be a spy and wicked granny & Mr. Daki will be the pun-spewing goofball granddad who wiggles his huge springy eyebrows at them and it’ll be THE BEST EVER.)
I was talking with a professor at my university recently, and he said that his kids are an age where he looks at them sometimes and thinks, “yeah, I’d hang out with them even if they weren’t related to me.”
So I guess if you do it right, parenting can be rewarding. Also, his kids are teens. So you know you’ve done it right if you’ve raised teens who you actually want to hang out with.
I disagree only with the declawing stance, but, then, I eat more meat than anyone in the history of the world who was not LITERALLY a Tudor king, and am not idiot enough to believe that declawing a cat with decent pain management is more cruel than gorging on thousands of chickens and cows a year.
my cat is SO HAPPY being declawed, he LOVES it and it’s FINE, cats do not need claws anymore
Wait, isn’t your cat an asshole whom you can barely tolerate? MAYBE THAT’S WHY!
but, he’s an asshole with soft, squishy feet.
The little girl who voiced Ducky was murdered after making The Land Before Time???!
BY HER DADDDDDDDD
he stabbed her to death it was awful
*Googles this/is distressed forever*
Wikipedia says shot her in her sleep? Which as small mercies go is a very small mercy indeed.
re: barn dances, in the right part of the midwest, this is not wishful thinking. But they are kind of rockabilly.
come to Chicago and queer contra-dancing night! now if only there were more urban BARNS. screw the farm part.
*WHAT* nm im instantly forgetting this.
Here, ruin your day: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judith_Barsi
It’s good to remember what a talented actress she was. I haven’t seen LAND BEFORE TIME in two decades, but sometimes when I get excited about something, I still hear Ducky’s “yep yep yep” in my head.
Everything is ruined.
OMG, she’s the little orphan girl in All Dogs Go To Heaven too, which was released after her death. AS IF I WEREN’T TRAUMATIZED ENOUGH.
I hated that movie and STILL have nightmares about that scene where the dogs GO TO HELL why were late 80s cartoons SO DARK I was such a sensitive kid!
I recall liking it, but when I went back to confirm the plot details on Wikipedia…. damn, that movie’s six kinds of fucked up.
I also briefly caused a crisis in our household by jamming a plastic figurine of Anne-Marie (the orphan girl) deep into our VCR, presumably because it seemed like the thing to do at the time.
Re 27: shift your weight to the balls of your feet, not the heels.
This is going to sound kiss-assy, but it’s somehow comforting to realize that even someone with Mallory’s skills and quality-of-character has wants in this world.
fuckin kissass
Do you enjoy it when (non-men) people are in awe of you, or do you prefer it when we remember that you probably have some dirt under your fingernails?
Esp the one about GChat…
If Mallory has the soapy cilantro gene, does that mean there will be a cilantro food trolling article in the future? Nothing would make me and my genetically inferior tongue happier.
I think it is too common a hate for her to write an entire article about it. It isn’t something innocuous and delicious like apples.
The cilantro thing came up in the Chipotle episode of Food Trolling with Mallory.
Why does the Western Front get all the love, Mallory???? WHY???? OTHER PARTS OF WORLD WAR ONE WERE JUST AS PHENOMENALLY INTERESTING /collapses into incoherent sobbing
Also, everything else I cosign.
How can The Toast not be pro-1st Russian Women’s Battalion of Death?!
Also the Eastern and Caucasian fronts are way cooler.
My 32 y.o. wife has a white streak in her hair and I’m not gonna lie, it is awesomehotmazing.
I have a gigantic white streak in my hair, and it is the best. Strangers come up to me on the street and admire my hair. Women at parties confide that they wish they also had the nerve to stop dying their hair.
Sadly there is substantial, if circumstantial evidence that I am not the pinnacle of human wisdom.
I have a burgeoning white streak and I’m so excited about it!!! It’s coming in just where I hoped it would, to. It’s at the point where if it’s mentioned, people see it easily, but they don’t necessarily pick up on it on their own. I can’t wait for it to come in more fully so I can feel witchy and distinguished.
I got sick of waiting and got a white streak bleached/toned into my hair last week. It was 100% the correct decision.
For those unfortunate enough not to start their white streak when they were fourteen, they absolutely should speak to their hair dresser or apply their color change technology of choice to rectify this lack. Or lock themselves in their rooms and wait until Mother Nature blesses you with witch hair.
Or not. There are many ways to be a witch, and not all of them are right for everyone — or involve looking like the heroine of a certain sort of eighties fantasy novel.
CLEARLY.
This is the first I’m hearing about the little girl who voiced Ducky being murdered and WHAT the FUCK
I feel like decades of love have been snatched away from me, somehow.
Can I also play guitar like Bonnie Raitt?
The little girl who voiced Ducky was murdered? THAT’S AWFUL and I didn’t know and I’m so saddened by knowledge now.
Damnit.
Also, you reminded me that my grandmother had that skunk-stripe white hair thing going on & of how I always hoped I’d get the same thing but she had it when she was 30 and I’m in my 40s and it hasn’t happened yet and that’s just genetics being garbage, is what that is.
22! and also 25!
35 is redundant tho PROOF SCHMOOF
Another for 25: My brother, who’s thoughtful and smart and kind, has been rereading The Screwtape Letters and writing about each chapter: I think he does a great job of picking apart the stuff that rings really true (which, there is a lot) and the stuff that’s eye-rolly.
http://lanewilliam.wordpress.com/2014/01/13/rerea…
I made some guacamole last night and put handful after handful of cilantro into it. Just whole gardens of the stuff, jungles overgrown with cilantro. A world in which Poison Ivy is both the One Supreme Ruler and possesses an inhuman predilection for cilantro and therefore causes it to grow over every square inch of the state of Wyoming, and then all that cilantro was chopped up and added to my guacamole. That’s how much, and that’s how much I love it.
i could graze cilantro like a woodland creature
Whenever I have to buy cilantro (cannot grow at home, what’s the opposite of a green thumb, [gentle weeping]) I huff it like a drug the whole walk home.
psssst Duckie sucks too
*fades into an apparition*
No really though he reminds me of my shitty ex boyfriend who Nice Guyed and gaslit me when we broke up so fuck him forever despite his cute outfits.
Right? I blame him for the whole Nice Guy phenomenon!
I briefly thought you meant Ducky, as in the dinosaur/murder victim discussed above, and was about to freak out at you a lil’ bit.
OH NO I did not even consider this. THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEAN
Also, that is the first (and last?) time I have ever referred to anything as “dinosaur/murder victim.”
I came here to say the same. Duckie = BIG TIME Nice Guy (TM)
B-but the part at the end where Andie’s going to stand with him and scorn Andrew McCarthy even though Andrew McCarthy is remorseful and abasing himself like a delicate, crying flower, and then Ducky manfully refuses to hang off her all evening like a limpet and tells her to go off and get what she wants and not to come back until Andrew McCarthy’s neck is marked forever with the imprint of her heel and his knees with the dirt of the ground!!! What about that part? That is when he is a decent human and not a nice guy and he deserves credit for it.
THANK YOU!
I think Duckie was an actual nice guy who made a serious friend-faux-pas, but then atoned for it and went back to being awesome.
Serial Nice Guys (TM) are the pits and think that if they fake acting like Duckie (i.e. a real friend), they’re entitled to…whatever.
Also, Blaine. ew.
YES. Hate Duckie. UGhhhhh.
Duckie thoroughly sucked. You are correct.
WHY WOULD YOU SHARE THAT KNOWLEDGE ABOUT ‘LAND BEFORE TIME?!’ I could have lived my whole life without knowing that. 🙁
That is exactly the comment I was going to make. Thank you, now I can save time and just go weep instead.
Barn dances are still a regular feature of society if you are very drunk at an enormous state university in the Midwest in October! I don’t know if sucking fratboy face to “Friends in Low Places” with your hair in pigtails is what you envision when you say “barn dance,” though.
No but the Pizza Hut commercial though.
No but the Pizza Hut commercial though.
…I also enjoy Big Bang Theory THERE I SAID IT.
I should add, I also love watching re-runs of the Nanny. So, uh, yes: I have little shame, and even less taste. Sigh.
I also enjoy Big Bang Theory on the DL (not all the strangely cruel fat-shaming jokes though, but I use the same skills as my sciencey-yet-christian friends who choose to ignore pro-slave and anti-women sections of the bible, compartmentalization & weed)
The Nanny should never be a cause of shame!
The Nanny is the best! I have recently started re-watching it on Netflix and it is ridiculous and great! Also when I went on a trip to New York a couple years ago with my friends since we were 3 friend we totally watched re-runs of The Nanny while in New York and that was awesome!
OH MY GOD THAT PIZZA HUT COMMERCIAL. SOMEONE ELSE REMEMBERS. I can’t hear Everybody Have Fun Tonight without thinking about that “Party, Party, We’re gonna party, party right now!” song that also sounds like Wang Chung. And every time I have my elbows on the table the voice of that mom floats into my head: “Now Jerome, I don’t care what the other boys do, keep your elbows off the table.” I tried making one of those super long straws once and it did not end nearly as well for me as it did for Pizza Hut Jerome.
WE GONNA PAR-TY
PAR-TY RIGHT NOW
I am going to burst into happy tears of nostalgia sitting in the waiting room of my doctor’s office. It’s all so vivid.
I grew up believing that I was a sub-standard kid because I could never balance a spoon on my nose like the kids in that commercial.
But man, this reminds me of the days when we were little and had Party Dresses. They were always somewhat equivalent to Church Dresses (but maybe a bit more colorful) and had matching hairbows.
34 is wrong. Not incorrect, actually wrong. Everybody on earth agrees with you and that is because they are wrong too.
Andie gets Blaine because she wants him, and this is a movie about a girl, in which the requisite happy ending consists of her getting what she wants. It is not a movie about a stupid boy, in which the happy ending would consist of him getting what he wants. Blaine’s feelings don’t matter! Ducky’s feelings don’t matter! I don’t care if Ducky dances alone in his sad room by his sad self until the sun turns black and the wolf swallows it. All that matters is ANDIE WANTS TO FORNICATE WITH ANDREW MCCARTHY AND ANDREW McCARTHY SHE SHALL HAVE.
Thank you thank you thank you thank you
AMEN.
HUZZAH
I never, ever though about this but of course it is so and I thank you for opening my eyes! My life is forever changed (for the better) and I cannot WAIT until I have the chance to say this IRL (with full credit to awesome commenter on my favorite website The Toast.)
Too right! If you want your love-was-right-in-front-of-me-the-whole-time fix, go watch Some Kind of Wonderful, because that’s totally a movie where it belongs. Also, the kiss in that movie was one of the most erotic things I saw in my adolescence. I mean…when Eric Stolz’s dirty, dirty hand flexes on Mary Stuart Masterson’s hip???….nnnghh.
YESSSSS!!!!!!
Agreed. And my vote for best John Hughes movie of the era too.
also andrew mccarthy can get it WHO ELSE WATCHED LIPSTICK JUNGLE?
I did not watch Lipstick Jungle, but I fully endorse the Getting It of Andrew McCarthy.
get out of my website forever
YES! A thousand times yes!
I’m with you up to the “girl getting what she wants is awesome” part…
…bbuuuuutt, you know how someitmes you look back at your highschool self and think “how on earth could i ever have wanted that?
i sense a bit of that.
#36 forever, because Mayim Bialik is a cotdammed national treasure.
NOW I CAN’T UN-KNOW #38 OH GODDDDDDD.
YES TO NUMBER 11. I got myself hopelessly lost on the Swiss Family Robinson island when I was about three and it was wonderful.
I have seen the other ending of Pretty in Pink somehow, maybe you just need the right DVD?
Also my roommate semi-regularly attends barn dances despite living in an urban area, so that could be a thing, I guess?
The Subway guacamole thing is an ACTUAL CRIME and everytime it happens i’m 2 seconds too late and too polite to be like “NO I DEMAND ANOTHER– UNSULLIED!”
UGH, I don’t know what I was thinking when I went to a Subway after they announced the avocado thing and expected beautiful, rich green slices. What was I actually thinking? What was wrong with me? It is SUBWAY after all.
I definitely had the book with the creepy climber on the cover too, but I can’t think what it’s called. I was mixing it up with Skellig for a minute but it’s not the same.
Your screenname, omg, amazing.
37. For all trains to have sleeper-car tickets that cost less than 1/3rd the price of a plane ticket.
Between my assortment of antique-or-vintage hat boxes, train cases, and other traveling paraphernalia, my dream of traveling by sleeper car, and my longstanding desire to dine in an automat*, I think The Fella is starting to suspect I was born ’round the turn of the 1900s, in which case I am eeerily well-preserved.
*There’s apparently a chain of automats still in existence in Amsterdam, where I imagine they’re frequented by “coffee-shop” befuddled tourists and beer-soaked late night wanderers. I have our someday-trip all planned out, by which I mean I taught myself which of the auto-vended treats my vegetarian partner can eat. If he’s willing to accompany me across the ocean just to eat out of a hopped-up vending machine, the least I can do is make sure he doesn’t get a mouthful of frikkadeller.
I ALSO WOULD LIKE TO EAT AT AN AUTOMAT
16! I think it might have something to do with skinny jeans? Skinny jeans and tucking pants into boots without weird bumps are both things other people seem to be able to do that I don’t understand so I assume they go together.
In my experience skinny jean with LOTS of stretchiness in them also helps quite a bit.
#36 Does this mean you’ll give us a The Big Bang Theory Fem Slash Friday? That would be awesome.
Will this edition explain why the men on that show are always wearing no fewer than three layers of clothing (often involving dickies) while the women are wearing tank tops? Do they occupy different climate zones within the same apartment? This may be what bothers me most about BBT.
see also: friends. and every other sitcom.
All I really want is to live in a hobbit-hole. When people criticized the first hobbit movie by saying that it was basically just a really long dinner party in a hobbit-hole, followed by a long walk in middle-earth, I was just like “Yes. That’s really all I want.”
Right? I mean that would basically be my #24 fulfilled right there.
I had the white stripe when I was in my 20s. I am going to turn 49 soon (NO NO I AM NOT) and my entire head is silver now. I used to go to Susan Sontag’s hairdresser (not on purpose – he just fessed up one day) and he said her hair was dyed except for the stripe; otherwise she would look fairly ordinary.
I found my first gray hair at 23, and now at 37 my hair is about half-and-half and I color it every 6-7 weeks. Right before the last time I colored it, I stood in front of the mirror for 15 minutes and tried to decide whether to leave out a section in the front and try a Sontag-esque silver streak. I didn’t do it, but I think I might give it a whirl next time around.
I fooled around with dye for a few years but it itched and burned my scalp. So I just gave up. Best decision I ever made.
!!!!
That’s amazing.
I have so many thoughts about C.S. Lewis that I can’t even begin writing them down or my head will explode in a burst of gender and race dynamics and theological implications and historical context and perceptions of childhood. It would be messy.
Pitch? Pitch.
Pitch, please.
I was just reading a blog that was deconstructing Lewis’ books– a Toastie linked it on Twitter…
Can I go one step further on 34 and just demand that I can go back and just not watch Pretty in Pink at all? I think I’d be OK having never seen that movie.
Same goes for Dirty Dancing.
I hate the day I learned #38 and I hate that I remember it always. Stupid brain. Let go of that fact! It is sad and horrible! Let it go!
I’m actually glad I DID read The Mists of Avalon only because now I get it every time people rag on it, which brings me joy. Same reason I’m still glad I read Twilight. People take particular glee in tearing those down piece by glorious piece and it’s so cathartic to read someone else putting into eloquent paragraphs the same feelings I could only release in ARGGHHHH WHY ARE THESE POPULAR frustration sounds and stuff.
Also, #26. Word. If texting while driving were made 100% completely safe and error-free, I’d probably do it in both directions the whole way home. As it is, though, I paranoidly throw my phone in my purse and ignore it while I drive, because holy crap texting-while-driving accident summaries are scary.
Right there with you with the phone. I totally hide mine too – I’m not even qualified to talk on it while driving. I’d probably forget where I was going and end up in some other state somewhere.
I watched pretty in pink for the first time a few months ago and flushed with incandescent rage at the atrocity committed upon the 50s-style dress that was butchered into a shapeless lace grandma sack.
Writing #1 on spec IMMEDIATELY.
The state park down the road from where I grew up in SC has a weekly square dance in the summer, in a barn no less. Also contra dancing in a barn-like structure was an extremely popular activity among my college friends. So, barn dancing: still a thing in the south.
#2 (sorta) – My sister has written a few stories for a kids science magazine. One of her first article was about Steller’s sea cows, a species of marine mammals similar to manatees. The sea cows were hunted to extinction. This of course was included in her article. Feedback from the magazine – they asked her to make the ending more hopeful. Bringing hope in an article about an extinct species is hard, but she managed to do it; article was published a couple years ago.
Throwing this out there as a possible contender for cliff-book: http://www.harpercollinschildrens.com/harperchild…
Somehow, even though I hadn’t seen this book since very early childhood, I instantly remembered the unnerving cover.
did not have this edition, but LOVED THESE BOOKS (much better than the movie, sorry movie-people)
There is room in my heart for both! And in my youth, there was even room for a now-kinda-disturbing crush on the animated rat Justin.
mm. i draw the line at animated anthropomorphized animal crushes – unless of course we’re talking fox robin hood. oo de LALLY.
I can’t touch my toes without bending my knees to save my life but my dance teacher told me to relax my jaw when I try and it seriously works! It gives me a few extra inches of stretch if I relax my jaw. I keep my lips closed but my jaws open and I can almost touch my toes, which is amazing for me. I swear, my hamstrings are an inch too short.
Oooh, I’ve learned a trick (read it on the internet somewhere) that might be helpful! The idea is that there’s a sinew or something that goes from your foot up through the leg, and when it’s too tight, you can’t touch your toes. But, since it begins (ends??) in the foot, you can loosen it up there. So, get a small hard ball, like a tennis ball, and put it under one of your feet, press down and roll it around to loosen everything up by the power of massage. Repeat with other foot. Now, try to touch your toes again! It works for me.
I am working to purge the I wrote a thing construction from my brain because you have decreed it. Also, I agree. It sounds… lame. Overly self-deprecating and shit. If you thought it was important enough to write, then own it. <– I tell myself this anyway.
The key to being able to touch your toes is having arms that are extra-long. Ask me how I know this.
re: #1, is the curse on the townfolk specifically, or on the actual land around the town/county/whatever?
I feel that the latter would let the teens drive across county lines to be temporarily free of the dancing curse (and use their fake IDs for booze and cigs, because teens), and also replace the scene in which our newly-transplanted Ren McCormack is told off about dancing with one in which he discovers, horrified, that he can NO LONGER DANCE.
Also, is it okay if the curse was delivered with the final breath of a persecuted (but actual) witch? And do I build off the screenplay or the musical? Please advise so I can actually do this, I want to so very badly.
“A re-edited version of the original Footloose where the townspeople are not simply forbidden to dance but magically cursed such that they are unable to do so until a spell is lifted.”
It’s not exact, Mallory, but this makes me think that if you haven’t read it already you might be interested in Robert Mannyng of Brunne’s story “The Dancers of Colbeck” from his didactic work “Handlyng Synne.”
” To get back my original tape of The Land Before Time with the commercial for Pizza Hut on it, and for the little girl who voiced Ducky to not have been murdered immediately after making it. Failing that, to not remember that the little girl who voiced Ducky was murdered after making The Land Before Time.”
I DIDN’T KNOW THIS AND NOW I’M SAD. 🙁
Guys, don’t worry, just watch this before you watch The Land Before Time. Every time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4065smJLXk
Okay, sorry, no on #5. It may not be “the moral equivalent of sawing off a toddler’s hands without anesthesia” but it is “the physical equivalent of sawing off all of someone’s fingers at the first joint” and it’s shitty to do and can cause lasting nerve damage. You adopted a thing with claws. Clip them and deal.
I was with you all the way until TBBT and then back again for the little girl who voiced Ducky.
I didn’t know how bad I wanted #17 until I read it here and now it has filled me with all-consuming desire, and will remain my primary want in life at least until dinner.
Another for 25: My brother, who's thoughtful and smart and kind, has been rereading The Screwtape Letters and writing about each chapter: I think he does a great job of picking apart the stuff that rings really true (which, there is a lot) and the stuff that's eye-rolly.
http://lanewilliam.wordpress.com/2014/01/13/rerea…
25. For more critical analyses of the works of C.S. Lewis besides just pointing out the Susan Problem.
My go-to examples here are fiction. There’s Greg Egan’s “Oracle“, which imagines a happier story for Alan Turing as well, and Ted Chiang’s “Hell Is the Absence of God“, which is a pretty direct reply to The Great Divorce.
These are people who differ philosophically from Lewis, not people who have literary opinions, for what that’s worth.
25. For more critical analyses of the works of C.S. Lewis besides just pointing out the Susan Problem.
My go-to examples here are fiction. There's Greg Egan's "Oracle", which imagines a happier story for Alan Turing as well, and Ted Chiang's "Hell Is the Absence of God", which is a pretty direct reply to The Great Divorce.
These are people who differ philosophically from Lewis, not people who have literary opinions, for what that's worth.
In what sad sad parts of the world does Subway pretend that vacuum-packed green goop is avocado??? I’ve only ever gotten real, cut-open-in-front-of-my-eyes avocado on my sandwiches, but I’ve only been to Subways in California so maybe it’s that?
In what sad sad parts of the world does Subway pretend that vacuum-packed green goop is avocado??? I've only ever gotten real, cut-open-in-front-of-my-eyes avocado on my sandwiches, but I've only been to Subways in California so maybe it's that?
Wait? Toby Keith? What the actual fuck.
The barn dances are real!! Here are some in NYC and the Bay Area:
http://www.lcfd.org/sf/about.html
<a href=”http://www.brooklyncontra.wordpress.com” target=”_blank”>www.brooklyncontra.wordpress.com
<a href=”http://www.lcfd.org/nyc/” target=”_blank”>www.lcfd.org/nyc/