Liz Watson last did a makeup tutorial for high priestesses of the dark arts.
Meet Cathy Andrews. Cathy is a woman who wants to Have it All! In Cathy’s case, ‘it all’ includes a nose, the Employee of the Year award, and achieving ultimate flesh coalescence with her boyfriend, Irving.
Will Cathy’s head topple off if you remove her trademark heart necklace, a la the classic horror story ‘The Green Ribbon’? We can only hope!
Meet Irving. Testosterone is his only character trait. This is probably why his head looks like it should be sheathed in Durex at all times. His paper-thin soul is so steeped in machismo that when asked to list what is important to him, he can only bleat “Mud wrestling? Carburetor! Fly fishing?” Perhaps Irving once had ambitions and loved ones. If he did, they’re dead now! Only Cathy remains.
Pictured: A thin-lipped glans penis in a cheap suit.
Cathy, sanguine with news of her Employee of the Year nomination, drives Irving’s house to celebrate. At last, she is Having It All! Tragically, she finds Irving also Having It All, driven into the arms of another by the insatiable demands of his PhallusBrain. Blonde and recognizably human, this woman is everything that Cathy is not. The shock is too much for Cathy’s friable body, which begins to melt down in a scene probably taken from David Cronenberg’s dream journal. The walls, sensing Cathy’s distress, manifest rejected visuals from a Moby Grape concert as Cathy’s eyes merge into a single, pink, Jawbreaker that leaks mascara, tears, and other unidentifiable fluids.
Cathy’s friend Andrea is determined to for Cathy to get over Irving von Vas Deferens. Recognizing that they live in a Chernobyl Thunderdome where relationships are arcane bloodsport and flesh is currency, battle-weary Andrea faces the world armed with Mace. Here is a partial list of the men Andrea maces throughout the course of the cartoon: A waiter taking their order, two of Cathy’s prospective dates, and a man who attempts to open the door for her (fool of a Took!) At one point, Andrea—brimming with ferocity and lacking a male target—stomps around like a rhino, freely macing the air in a display of dominance.
Andrea is by far the best character on this show.
Look! Cathy is on a rebound date! Instead of ordering food or engaging in conversation, she and her date (sporting a Little Richard mustache and sex offender spectacles) stack carved fish like Lincoln Logs while mentally listing the other’s faults. You know, like you do on dates! Finding that a barrier of fish-Legos is not enough to mask the horror of the other’s company, they destroy their creations and her date departs in disgust. Not a single word is ever exchanged between them. This scene ostensibly takes place in a sushi restaurant, leading me to believe the creators of Cathy have no familiarity with sushi, restaurants, or any aspect of human behavior at all.
Fish-stacking! The latest sensation sweeping absolutely nowhere!
These are Cathy’s co-workers. They move as one, speak as one, think as one. They are like the Rat Kings of legend—once individual organisms, now merged into a unified, miserable corpus. A normal person would be horrified by this parody of life, but poor Cathy yearns so desperately for any kind of human contact that life in the Hive Mind seems a welcome prospect.They scream for Cathy to join them, begging her to find a boyfriend and bring him to the Employee of the Year awards so they can subsume him into their writhing meat mass. Cathy weeps at her desk.
The walls have now adopted the color and texture of cheese pizza, perhaps in an attempt to appease the unhappy Cathy. It does not succeed.
Lacking a human companion, Cathy brings a bag of Irving’s belongings as her date to the Employee of the Year awards. Finally recognizing that Irving is nothing more than an animate, dick-shaped collection of masculine stereotypes, Cathy hopes that an paper sack filled with man-totems will prove an acceptable substitute. (Items the Cathy writers believe provide insight into a guy’s psyche: Red flannel shirts, Springsteen cassettes, a blue necktie.)
Actual dialogue from this scene: “Hold my hand, honey!” Also, note the piece of pie Cathy thoughtfully left for her date, who is unable to eat it on account of being a grocery bag full of dude garbage.
Irving’s uncircumcised skull is drawn by the beacon of boy-goodies to Cathy’s place of power, just in time to see her clinch the Employee of the Year Award! Finally, a win for Cathy! A nose might still be beyond her grasp, but Cathy believes in counting her blessings. As she and Irving whirl endlessly on a single axis (what the Cathy team believes resembles human dancing), their bodies form the centerpiece of her office Rat King, at last part of the flesh-marriage she has long desired. How romantic!
Have you ever seen the movie Society? Kind of like that! (Please never watch Society.)
As a final treat, the only remaining recording of Cathy has this dialogue taped over the credits, playing over charming graphics of Cathy and Irving dancing and laughing. “Later, tonight it’s Cagney and Lacey on their new night! And when Chris is raped by someone she knows, she learns an ugly lesson in reality! Now stay tuned as Jake goes undercover as a hit-man on Jake and the Fatman!”
Cathy and Cagney and Irving and Lacey and Fatman say, “Goodnight!”