To preserve the original tone and after discussing it with Lana, we have decided not to copy-edit this piece. – Ed.
In May 2009, I graduated with a B.A in English Language Literature. Immediately, I knew I wanted to teach abroad but it was a matter of where. After weeks of research, I decided on South Korea. It took a few months of obtaining paper work and looking for the perfect position, but finally in November 2009, I boarded a flight. After several years of teaching English, Writing Labs and Phonic courses, I decided it was time to repatriate to The U.S. The decision was bittersweet, but I wanted to open a made to order, web based business.
August 2013, arrived and I began the strenuous task of packing up several years of my life. On August 12, 2013, my flight landed at O’Hare International Airport. The first few weeks were an adjustment. Although I’d visited home several times whilst abroad, knowing I was not leaving was difficult to grasp. I busied myself by unpacking, organizing, obtaining products for the business and spending time with my family. My nieces and nephews were particularly excited to have me back-permanently. I also began applying for part time teaching positions. It took some time, but I was beginning to readjust to life in The U.S. Grocery trips no longer resulted in culture shocked and I was planning for my niece’s upcoming birthday.
October 23, 2013 began like another other day. My disposition was considerably well. In a twist of fate, a daycare center within walking distance of my home responded to my initial application inquiry. My website was finally up and running, my hard work seemed to be panning out. The day came and went. I’d just finished watching a movie, wrapped a blanket around me and headed up the stairs. Somewhere in between reaching the bed and settling in, I happened to hit near the back of the left side of my head. The hit was not particularly hard, similar to a sting from bumping a knee, elbow or stubbing a toe. After a few rubs, I settled into bed but sleep did not come easy. Most of the night was spent resting. My head was hurting just a bit but nothing too major. About 3 am, I decided to let my warm bed go and take a trip to the bathroom. Upon sitting up, a throbbing rush of pain swept through my head. It took a few moments to adjust. After getting back into bed, it clicked why I was experiencing such immense pain-I’d hit my head. By 6 am the pain was so horrific, I called my mother sobbing on the phone. Between gasps, I managed to explain what happened the night before.
My mother said a lot of things during that conversation. What I remembered most, “this happened to you when you were five-remember? I took you to the hospital. You had a MRI, and they diagnosed you with a concussion, gave you meds and sent you home” and “you just came back to The U.S, you don’t have insurance.” She was correct. Less than 2 months after repatriating, nearly one hundred job applications submitted, and I’d yet to land a teaching position. I decided to follow her advice: rest, take meds and relax. This proved to be an ill fated decision. Less than 24 hours later, I was at The ER. With less than a stellar diagnosis, and worsening symptoms, another ER visit was in order-this time, I went to a different hospital. After several hours, pain relief-thanks to wonderful meds administered intravenously and a diagnosis: Post Concussion Syndrome.
Apparently my brain just could not take another hit so it decided to shut down until further notice. While I am not the same as I was when I first suffered a traumatic brain injury, I am inarguably not the same person I was pre-concussion.
The following four to six weeks are somewhat of a blue. Roughly twenty three hours a day were spent sleeping, only waking to shower, eat, and take medication. I do remember a few things about this period; the pain was unbearable, I was exhausted and everyone around me cried-a lot. As I became more lucid, I found that my voice was much different, I struggled to pronounce words and I had difficulty interacting with others and focusing. My memory-both long and short term was and still remains affected. I have also had a headache every single day, all day since October 23, 2013. Imagine the worst migraine you’ve ever had and multiple it times ten. That is what a level one feels like and any emotion, whether happy, sad, confused or upset only leads to an elevated headache. I’ve not taken prescription medication since week three so , I rely on ice packs and over the counter medications to manage pain. Practically home confined, usually I leave for dr. visits and the occasional late breakfast due to being overly sensitive to light and sound.
I suppose it’s easier to recount the negative aspects but I choose to focus on the good that’s come from it. Becoming frustrated serves little purpose. I have a much greater appreciation for life and there is nothing that I feel I am incapable of accomplishing. Being impulsive has also served me well. Instead of second guessing or rationalizing, I have a thought and act on it-immediately. It’s usually something business related. If the idea falls short of execution, I wait until the next idea surfaces-perhaps it will be a success. Another positive aspect is reconnecting to writing. It’s something that I’ve always enjoyed but haven’t done in quite some time. Life sort of got in the way. Writing allows me to record my memories, focus on something other than pain and structure my thoughts; which improves my interaction and conversation with others. These are the aspects that will help me heal. There is no definitive period on when or if I will return to pre-concussion state. For now, I embrace my new normal and live life one day at a time. Visit www.tbiguide.com and http://www.postconcussionsyndrome.net to learn more about Traumatic Brain Injuries.
Tags: concussions, disability, health, lana epps, post-concussion disorder
Oh wow. Most of what I know about TBI comes from working with veterans, and the most definite thing I’ve learned is how strange it is, and how fragile we all are. I hope the headaches decrease very very soon – like, yesterday. Your attitude about it is amazing and admirable.
Thank you so much. It really difficult to grasp. This is my 4th TBI and the recovery is difficult. Blogging helps in many ways. I try to stay positive but there are difficult days. I just keep writing and keep hoping
I don’t know if this is useful or not, but maybe there are VA studies on TBI where they would pay you to try new treatment options, instead of the other way around. This is the link I found on VA TBI research: http://www.research.va.gov/research_topics/tbi.cf…. The only reason I thought of it is that Mr. Pi works at a research facility at our local VA hospital whee they study mostly PTSD, but some TBI as well.
I’m a bit leery of VA but will give it a look thanks for information truly appreciate it
Lana, I hope you have an amazing support system! Thank you for writing this and providing your perspective. Glad to hear that your TBI has done good things for your business sense. 😉
Thank you. I have a caregiver but it’s been a challenging few months to say the least. I have a ton of business ideas that I’m waiting to implement. Once I have a larger consumer base, I will introduce them.
Thank you so much for sharing your writing with us. I’m so sorry that you’re in terrible pain — it’s awful that you are living with it. No one deserves that.
Thank you for reading. My neurologist put me on medication in April. While it allows me to sleep at night it does nothing for pain. I got so excited about the article today that within half hour my headache intensified. I’ve been laying in a dark room with an ice pack on my head.
I hope that the positive aspects can mitigate today’s pain, at least a little!
Several people in my family have had neurological conditions (ranging from the “mild” end with my chronic migraine to the severe end with my mother’s dementia), so I know that finding the right medications for achieving more sleep and less pain while still being able to think clearly is very difficult. I’m sure you know this already, but sometimes we all need a reminder: there’s nothing shameful about using medication to improve your quality of life. I hope things continue to smooth out for you, and that your neurologist has got your back.
Sorry to hear about your family. I can relate. And yes when it comes to matters of the brain and pain it’s trial and error. I have another appointment in August and am sure another option will be explored. This is the second neurologist I’ve seen. The first one was not very helpful. I’m pleased with my current Dr.
Thank you for sharing this. I was in a serious car accident 13 years ago, and reading this was all very, very familiar to me. I’m definitely a different person than I was before my accident. It’s gotten better for me (smartphones and note-taking and reminder apps are a godsend), and I hope it will get better for you, too.
You’re welcome Whitney and thank you. My memory is almost nonexistent. A few days ago, it was my birthday and I had a conversation with my caregiver. In it I came to terms with not being able to remember my childhood, and accepting the fragments that remain. I even forgot my birthday
“To preserve the original tone and after discussing it with Lana, we have decided not to copy-edit this piece. – Ed.”
Decisions like this are what make The Toast my very favorite web site ever.
Lana – Thanks so much for sharing your story. This was a really great piece. Chronic pain of any kind is so, so difficult to live with. I truly hope your situation improves.
The toast is a great site. I enjoy the pieces on Feminism. Thank you for commenting. It’s been difficult and unfortunately it seems this is still early in the recovery process. My neurologist says it could be years before I’m somewhat “normal” again.
I’ve known a few athletes who had TBI and it terrifies me to contemplate the changes in personality they’ve had to navigate. Thank you for sharing. I’m glad that your new normal includes positive changes!
You’re welcome and thank you. It’s odd looking at old videos of myself. Not only do I have no memory of it, I often refer to my past as her.
“Somewhat of a blue” is a phenomenally lovely sentence. Thank you for not copyediting.
Very happy it wasn’t edited. Thanks for reading. I began blogging just after submitting this a few months ago. Reading it reminded me how far I’ve come and how far I’ve to go
My dad had a stroke a few years ago. So a different kind of brain injury. It wasn’t as bad as it could be, but even now the changes are subtle, but still there. Sometimes it’s hard to tell which changes are because of the chemical/physical changes in his brain and which are because of the psychological effects of going through such a world-shifting experience. Writing like this is so valuable because it allows those of us on the outside a glimpse of what our loved ones struggle with every day.
Sorry to hear about your dad. Part of the reason I began blogging was because I found it difficult to locate someone that had experienced what I go through. From a medical aspect the information was plentiful. Since I began blogging I’ve had several express my writing helps them understand what someone in their life is going through and connected with others who’ve had TBI. I know it also helps my family as it’s difficult to verbally relay how much pain I’m in as well as the frustrations. When I blog, I’m very open and honest about what I experience. If it helps another I’ve accomplished something. My uncle also had a stroke from what my mum tells me, he often says “she’s like me” he struggles with speech, confusion and tone as well,. Sometimes writing so raw is difficult but I continue to do so. Thanks for your comment.
I really appreciate reading what you’ve shared here! You’ve got a new reader for your blog, for sure. Folks like you and Nina Mitchell at Mindpop (http://mindpop.net) are doing great work, and you have a great writing style as well. Looking forward to reading anything else you write, whether it’s about post-concussion syndrome or not.
Thank you so much appreciate that. Looking forward to “seeing” you at the blog site.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Brigid, you’re welcome. Thank you for reading and taking moment to respond
Thanks for sharing this. I got a bad concussion playing rugby in October 2011 and a few months later, when my doctor said I had post-concussion syndrome, my thought process was something along the lines of “this sounds made up… it’s probably not a big deal.” It’s been almost 3 years now and I still have debilitating dizzy spells if I so much as tilt my head the wrong way. From my perspective of being a huge psychology/cognitive science nerd it’s interesting that symptoms change so much depending on what part of your head gets it; from my perspective of being a person I’m really glad more and more people are talking about this!
Thank you for sharing as well. I understand what you mean. My head must be a certain way and forget even hitting a bump or not have neck support whilst sitting. The dizzy spells are all too common. The brain is so complex, you never know what hit will caused smudge and where.
You’re so right about the brain being complex. I think most of the time doctors don’t really know where to start and unfortunately we have a lot more to learn about it.
Your story really emphasises how fragile we are! But also what amazing resilience we have… I certainly hope that at the very least the pain diminishes for you. Thank you for sharing your experience, and I really applaud your decision to remain positive!
It really is a matter of trial and error. And for me remaining positive is imperative. That aside, I have difficult days but thankfully they are few. Thanks for taking a moment to comment.
It really is a matter of trial and error. And for me remaining positive is imperative. That aside, I have difficult days but thankfully they are few. Thanks for taking a moment to comment.
Lana, this essay feels so vivid and honest. Thanks for sharing it, and for making the decision with the editors not to have it copy-edited; the unaltered prose has great power and a distinctive voice.
Thank you Elsa. It definitely helps to see my progress through writing as well. I still make a ton of mistakes which difficult because of my degree but it’s apart of the injury.
Lana, this essay feels so vivid and honest. Thanks for sharing it, and for making the decision with the editors not to have it copy-edited; the unaltered prose has great power and a distinctive voice.
I'm a bit leery of VA but will give it a look thanks for information truly appreciate it
Thank you Elsa. It definitely helps to see my progress through writing as well. I still make a ton of mistakes which difficult because of my degree but it's apart of the injury.
Thank you Lana for sharing your amazing story… Blessing to you… You are an inspiration to us all…
Thanks you for reading and leaving a kind comment behind
Thanks you for reading and leaving a kind comment behind
Hello, thank you for writing this. I’ve had trouble with TBI as well, the light-sensitivity, anger and too-quick thinking is a real pain. I’ve found some DBT exercises really helpful in re-learning how to pry my thoughts away from my black and white thinking amygdala and slow my thinking down. DBT is a variation of a therapy, itself adapted from a more widely used CBT, for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Turns out this re-learning is a skill lots of brains can use. Works quick, too. One website is called dbtselfhelp.com and yeah, no health insurance here either, so it’s nice to find free stuff. I hope you are well again real soon.
Myrtle thank you so much for the links. Every bit helps. I’ll locate, bookmark and begin using them. How long ago was TBI, do you have any effects still?
Hello, another link to some brain-healing exercises, DBT http://behavioraltech.org/
Thank you
Myrtle thank you so much for the links. Every bit helps. I'll locate, bookmark and begin using them. How long ago was TBI, do you have any effects still?
Thank you