Jamie’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.

1. A man betrays his oldest friend and then gets hit in the nuts with a tennis ball.

2. A woman falls into a cake. Bob Saget’s voiceover reveals her most closely guarded secrets.

3. A dog wearing a tutu dances on its hind legs to the tune of “Yakety Sax.” It has the face of your mother on the day that she left you.

4. A man repairing the roof of his house accidentally slips and falls into his backyard swimming pool. “Why are you filming this?” he says to the camera while thrashing in the grimy water. “Why would you film this instead of helping me?”

5. At her uncle’s birthday picnic, a laughing toddler sprays her brother with a hose. He falls backwards and into a sandbox, and ends up with his head stuck in a bucket. The video suddenly fast-forwards through the next twenty years and we see that he will always resent her.

6. A man’s pet parakeet bites him on the nose. He howls in pain. Then the parakeet begins to repeatedly squawk the name “David.” The man’s face turns pale. The bite doesn’t seem to bother him anymore.

7. Your mother is dialing the number for the taxi service. You’re running around the living room table. No one else was there. There wasn’t any camera. This video shouldn’t exist. You trip over the phone cord and cartwheel into a pile of stuffed animals. The studio audience roars with laughter. Your mother applies a bandage to your knee and says, “Sorry.” It’s the last thing she will say to you.

8. A teenage girl is performing her color guard routine at a pep rally. She throws the flag into the air and it lands perfectly inside of a classmate’s tuba. The people seated in the bleachers all hold up painted signs that spell out the words “You could have saved him.”

9. A man plays a prank on his wife. The prank is that he is emotionally inaccessible for six months. Then one day he jumps out of a linen closet, yelling, “Surprise! I actually still love you!” She falls into a cake.

10. The studio audience takes a vote. They decide that the funniest video is a sex tape you made with your girlfriend last year. They laugh at you lying in bed together post-orgasm. You hear yourself confess your deepest fears in Bob Saget’s voice: that she’ll never forgive you for what you did, that you’ll never be what she needs, that one day you will leave too. The audience laughs. Bob Saget makes a joke that you don’t hear because you’re crying. The end credits music swells.

america

america

this is you