LAST NIGHT WE HAD A PARTY and I want all of you to feel like you were there even if you live in Canada or Southern California or some remote, third place. Look at how many of us there were!
MARVEL at how varied the hair colors!
There were SO MANY OF YOU. I am so glad you all came but OH MY GOD, how hot was that bar? They put a fan by the entrance at some point, which was a largely empty gesture.
I played a single, perfect round of pinball, after which I declined to play another, having achieved all of my goals the first time around.
I finally met the man I co-started a business with a little over one year ago for the first time.
This one is a little blurry, but it is a photo of me placing my foot on the back of a Man who is doing pushups at my request.
This is the picture I have waited for a year — and perhaps, all of my life — to recreate.
At last.
Tags: anniversary party, meta, please post additional photos in the comments, the picture, the toast
I’m so jealous of all of you who could go. So jealous. Can you feel it? My jealousy? It’s watching you from the shadows. It plans to sneak into you, sneak into your life, and steal away every good memory and bring them to me.
Our jealousy is a living thing, hiding under the beds of all these Toasties who got to go. Our jealousy isn’t petty, though, so mostly while under your bed it cleans up dust bunnies and errant socks, and fumes.
It also feeds your cat when you’re late home
But hey, just so you know its still mad, it takes the bookmark out of the book you’re reading.
Puts the bookmark in 3 chapters closer to the end.
Oh now THAT would be vengeful.
It also helps your cat pick the spot for hairball horking most likely to be trod upon when you come home and take your shoes off.
Our jealousy is Canadian?
Oh, Mallory. How will you ever top this leg desk photo? Don’t know, but you will, and it shall be shared here.
Happy Anniversary, The Toast! Thanks for making life as a grad student chained to my laptop much more enjoyable.
it could only be improved if the mini ponies were the other coworkers in the room, with long luxurious manes
or surrounded by the bodies of vanquished men in various states of agony
i can see the back of my head in the thumbnail for this article, which, i suddenly realize, is all i ever wanted.
happy anniversary, toast! it was so lovely to meet mallory and nick, to put faces to the commenter-names, and to meet some wonderful toasties who promised to comment more often.
I can see the top of my head too! At last, the fame I have longed for!
It was so nice to meet you! Everyone was so lovely. This is a good start to keeping the commenting promise, right?
Yessssss comment more, comment, all of you lurkers! Talk to us!
Heyyyyy I totally even know you guys now!
Yes, I was astonished at how many people I met who were like ‘Oh but you won’t know my name because I never post!’ So yes, lurkers, post more!
an auspicious commenting start!
I can make out my blur in the very deep background of the first picture. So exciting!
Eeeeee you can see me messing on my phone in the 1st picture! Maybe…not the most flattering angle, but it shows off some of the stripes on my dress, so yay!
You can see me drinking in the sidebar picture – awfully appropriate, I think. 😉
I SEE YOU JINXIE
😀
i am one of those promisers! here i am, making good on my promise.
Hillary Clinton said on Twitter she was going to Oakland yesterday – did she stop by? I feel confident she reads here.
The desk leg and push ups pictures are great. Nothing quite that awesome happened at the DC Toast Party – though I did meet the super cool person who wrote the power lifting article!
To all who came out to the DC Toastie – who thinks we should do it again in August? (But not at Policy because that one tab thing was crap)
YES PLEASE. I couldn’t make last night for which I am full of regret and rage.
Yes definitely!! Agreed to not going to Policy again — that one tab thing was ridiculous! Thanks to the person who took charge of that (was that you?)!
Yes! That person was a real heroine.
Oh girl no. I am only outgoing on the internet. I was the person wearing the Kill All Men Toast tank though, which was totally worth the stares.
Oh yes! They were admiring stares! 🙂
Three cheers for the person whose internet name I do not know but who was nice to talk with and also got shit done re: the tab!
Hooray! It was really great meeting you too. 😀 😀
YES PLEASE!
It’s a truth universally known that August is the deadest time of year in DC, so.. yes. I think another meetup in August would be good! Can’t promise I’ll do the MARC again but happy hours are always great. 😀
I was the tab-taker-carer! It was my pleasure. It’s always nice to flex my “I used to work in a restaurant” muscles! Thanks to everyone who came out – I had such a lovely evening! I’m going to try to organize something for mid-August. If you’re not part of the FB group, please let me know – I’m not sure who the group admin is but we can figure it out and hopefully get you added.
Oh my goooooood you guys that looks so amazing. I am so glad it was a perfect party, and SO MAD I wasn’t there.
omg, I *think* I can see my hair, floating like a halo above the hair + hat of another, in the third picture. Maybe. I’ll take it. Hooray.
I’m in that picture too! In a direct line behind the top of Laura’s head, past Marthine drinking something you can see about 3/4 of my head. Evidence which will almost certainly place me high in the hierarchy after the misandrist revolution.
Boston Toast satellite event (minus a few folks who joined us later). The pieces of paper people are holding are “official toast stances”.
Here’s us again in an arty black and white version
That first picture looks like I’m sort of with these people, but maybe not, but maybe…but do they bite? Sigh.
I took the second picture so Anne could be in it. Much better IMHO. 🙂
BOSTONNNN why are you so far from Western Mass??? Next time, maybe!
Oh no! How did I miss this? Nads. Can I please come next time?
Extra points for “nads” as a mild swear
YES SHOW UP we are fun
Boston Toast!!! A very dear friend of mine just moved to Boston and is looking for similarly-minded humans for a social gathering or two. She is an infrequent reader of the Toast but subscribes to all the important ideas. Is there a way she could get in on this group?? I promise she is very clever and interesting and two thumbs up.
PS you all are super cute and I love your Toast Stances.
There is a group on Facebook and one on Google Groups!
YOU GUYS LOOK SO SAVVY AND INTELLIGENT. I am sorry I couldn’t make it! I’m glad you had fun!!
SO SAD I wasn’t there.
GROUP PHOTO OF COURSE HOW PERFECT
You all look like you’re having such a blast, and no surprise.
This is so great! Everyone looks super happy and smiley!
I LOVE the Friendly Toast! That said, I have only been to the one in Portsmouth, NH. Best part of our wintertime New England tour.
Closeup of some official Toast stances.
Me with my favorite Toast stance
I love this idea! Would you mind if DC Toasties borrowed it?
This is a brilliant idea!
FANTASTIC
You know, I have been wondering this for weeks now and this seems as good a place as any to ask: did you name The Toast after William King’s pamphlet of the same name which painted his enemy the Duchess of Newburgh as an evil bisexual coven queen? Because that would be amazing.
Even if they did not originally they might have retroactively, because evil coven queens are not bound by chronological time!
Ugh. How come nobody everrrrrr does anything fun in New York? (JOKES, JOKES brought on by slow-simmering jealousy.)
Tragically New York could not be severed from the US and moved across the lands to be placed next door to Oakland for us to be part of the festivities BUT as a small consolation our monthly book club and meetup is tomorrow at RPM bar at 8pm?
Some of us are having brunch on Sunday at a place called Toast! Email me if you’re interested! My username here at gmail dot com.
I’m sorry we didn’t take a picture of our Vancouver meetup! We did have fun though.
Oh my god, there was a Vancouver meetup?! How did I miss this? If y’all get together again anytime soon, I’d love to jump in on that. I bake. I can bring cookies!
There were several other Toasties who couldn’t make it, and I promise we will do something again. In the early fall, maybe?
I don’t know if it will make sense to set up a new google group for it, or what, but I am open to suggestions.
THAT LAP DESK PICTURE!!!!!!!
I am SO MAD that I was outside when that happened!
I walked by when they were getting set up but I just assumed Mallory using men as furniture is an everyday thing
Please tell me that was Nick serving as laptop furniture.
It is!
Hello all. Many people seemed to enjoy the dessert I brought, and I was pleased to serve; I was asked to share the recipe:
Ingredients:
* 1 can crushed pineapple (~ 20 oz.)
* 1 can blueberry pie filling (~ 21 oz.)
* 1 box white cake mix
* ~ 2 cups of pecans, chopped or in chips [I tried chips for the first time yesterday and they didn’t seem to adhere to the final product as well as chopped]
* 2 (yes two) sticks of butter
You will need: 9″ x 13″ baking dish; pan or skillet
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. On range, melt both sticks of butter on “low” in pan.
Spread pineapple (incl. juice) evenly in dish.
Layer the blueberry filling on top of that.
Layer the cake mix on top of that.
Layer the pecans on top of that.
Pour the melted better over everything.
Bake for 45 minutes, uncovered.
That’s it. This is AMAZING warm (“Blue is the Warmest Cobbler,” maybe? no? sorry), and with ice cream, by the way. Every time I go to a food-type party I bring it and it’s a hit.
I would make this recipe, despite not being into crushed pineapple, for the name “Blue is the Warmest Cobbler” alone.
Thank you for that! And thanks to whoever made the lemon blueberry cake! Toasties have the right priorities.
Oh my god thank you that was very good.
My mother-in-law makes that and she calls it “Dump Cake” because you just dump everything in there with no mixing. I can vouch for this amazing dessert. Goes great with ice cream, coffee and general misandry.
My mother-in-law also makes this and calls it dump cake. It is so great.
WARM IS THE BLUEST COBBLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Marry me.
A man gave me limes, another man gave me pie, I did 30 pushups and a lady bought me a drink. It was a good party.
I spoke to you while you were holding limes! hooray for additional rewards for your pushups!
30 pushups?! Damn. You didn’t even need to offer a ride, you could just throw me to Oakland! #nexttime
You did 30 pushups, got 2 limes and a drink, AND now you’re commenting! 😀
I was standing nearby when you did the pushups! It was VERY IMPRESSIVE, y’all. They were good pushups.
Thank you! I’ve been practicing. I decided that after a dude did pushups, it was only fitting that a lady do some as well.
Oh my gosh, I love the fact that it seems like pushups were happening EVERYWHERE at this party.
Oh, the satisfaction yielded by that final photo is perfect and complete.
That is me in the thumbnail! I had just arrived and was shoving my way to the back. Super fun time, although I did not speak to any of the Ortbergs or Nick. But I felt their wonderful energy and talked to some other great folks!
LOTR pinball is the BEST pinball. I will stop everything to play that machine, no matter where I run into it.
My jealousy knows no bounds. I’m SO HAPPY you guys could all meet up and have fun and everything. I thought of you as I took to my bed early in Western Canada.
What a fantastic party! All parties will surely be as fantastic after the revolution comes. If you spoke to a black with burgundy pants and found the interaction pleasant enough to warrant further interactions, you can reach him at shrillcosby at gmail or twitter dot com slash shrillcosby. I love you all!
I can vouch for him–he is QUITE pleasant and may be spared.
ShrillCosby is a MAN? Jeez, I think everyone on the Internet is a woman until they say otherwise.
being regularly mistaken for a woman on the internet is a source of intense pride for me
I’m the one who started telling you about all the serial killers and horrifying violent tendencies in my extended family before skipping off into the evening. Your Twitter is rad and you seem like Good People, so it was great to meet you!
“a black” YOURE KILLIN ME SHRILLS
I totally intended to type “a black man” and dropped a word ahahaha
everyone must have thought me such a weirdo.
I’m totally not
at all.
Too much cuteness y’all.
It was very hot indeed but I just dank more cold beer and talked to friendly people so it all worked out okay in the end. So amazing to meet y’all, everyone is so kind and welcoming! Yay Toasties!
It was seriously so hot. I was dripping sweat whenever I was at the bar getting drinks.
YES. So much sweat. After I went outside for some air, I almost couldn’t endure going back in, but made it happen so that I could enjoy the company of more people I hadn’t met yet!
I only socialized with people I already knew, so lost opportunity for me there. Everyone looked so cool and intimidating.
Yeah, as I feared, everyone was already talking when I got there and I couldn’t bring myself to intrude on anyone’s conversation so I didn’t really meet anyone except Monica (who was delightful and charming and funny.) I was thiiiis close to Mallory about half a dozen times but every time I went to make my move to say Hi someone else swooped in 🙁 Probably a lucky thing, saved me from falling in love with her, she warned us off that.
I’m so happy for you all that I can’t even be sick with envy. I’ll work on it, though.
that was super lovely. thanks, the internet! and thanks, mallory! i spent most of the time blushing and staring at my drink and shouting “WHY IS IT SO HOT” at intervals but i really enjoyed myself and i met some lovely folks!
You know it’s a Toast party when you walk into a bar and there’s a lady in a pencil skirt doing 30 pushups.
Ain’t no party like a Toastfolk party.
Toastfolk. I like that word.
I was going to say Toast Ladies but corrected myself to be more gender-neutral/flexible. 🙂
YESSSSSSSSS USE MEN AS OFFICE FURNITURE
I was the one who walked by, saw the extremely crowded bar, and fled in a claustrophobic panic. Because I am a WUSS. Boy do I regret it. Glad you all had a great time, though!
It really was a bit claustrophobic in there, though fun for those of us who don’t mind so much. We’ll have to have some smaller gatherings sometime when we can all hear each other.
ALICIA you should have said last night ‘We were talking about the fermented shark!’ I recognised your name but had not put 2 & 2 together!
Yes, that was me! We can discuss bizarre fermented foodstuffs in more detail next time.
Oh oh oh definitely include me in bizarre fermented foodstuffs conversations pls
So glad there was more than one of us who came, saw, and fled. We’re such delicate flowers!
oh my god you GUYS
Actually I sent 2 west coast delegates both of whom also fled, so you were not “the one.” I mean that in a good way!!
I was there but it was so overwhelming I had one drink and left. Delicate flower is a much nicer name than weenie, don’t you think?
Now, I am wondering if we should have a delicate flowers Toastie EB meetup sometime at Thalassa, which is huge and spacious and full of pool tables and has a mermaid!
I vote Albatross, which is also spacious but has $1 bottomless popcorn and lots of board games.
oh sure! I’d be into that!
And it’s dog friendly so I could bring my corgi!
(Although The Golden Bull was most lovely, I must admit.)
I am DEEPLY jealous of everyone who went to this & enjoyed one another’s company, but I got my book contract yesterday so my husband & I went out for fancy dinner/drinks, which was pretty great too.
Book contract! Congratulations, that’s amazing!
Thank you!! I am all the excitement.
WOO congratulations! Fiction? Non-fiction? Toast Screeds? Tell more!
Fiction! About: family myths, a deal with the devil, motherhood/matrilineal lines (really! Not just saying that for Toast cred), Poland, and opera. It’ll be out next summer from W.W. Norton/Liveright. Title isn’t totally locked in, but I’ll totally come back to rep it when it is.
Congratulations!!! It sound awesome!
Thanks! You guys fill my heart with joy & a renewed longing for that party.
Awesome! I am glad you will rep it because it sounds like something we want to read!
What a party! There were so many smart, friendly people. A great many people complimented my hat, which will make the friend who made it (MADE IT! HOW?) very happy, I think. Mallory was wonderfully gracious, as was her mother when we were introduced, and Nick is charming in a way that might be dangerous. I was in the bathroom when another person came out of a stall, looked at me oddly, and asked, “Is there something going on out there?” Poor confused bar regulars.
One blurry photo of a portion of the crowd:
One very excellent picture taken by CuriouserBear of three of us rad Toasties, plus A MAN unintentionally in the background:
Good show, people. Good show.
That man is hilarious! Total Blue Steel realness
P.S. If anybody I met would like to be Twitter friends, I’m over there @figwiggin and you should come find me.
Your hat was positively delightful, and because I am just THAT clever, I follow you already! Mwahaha!
Wait, who are you?! I want to match up Toastie names to faces to Twitter names!
LaCane on twitter! My twitter profile picture is terribly old – from when I was still platinum blonde. If it helps, I was the one in a black hat with feathers last night.
YES! With the amazing hat and outfit! Yay, you are RAD.
Ah, the hat and the glasses! THOSE GLASSES <3
I want to be modest about the glasses, but I love them too fucking much! You’re a fellow east-bayer, right? I got them at Phoenix on College – they have a TON of deadstock glasses from the 50s onward!
I’m in SF, but I do make it East from time to time! Actually planning a jaunt out on Saturday, as a matter of fact, and I may have to check out that shop. I had the BEST pair of vintage frames I’d found at the Alameda flea market ages ago, but I can’t use them anymore since my prescription changed and the frames are too delicate to get the lenses swapped out again.
Your hat was (is) AMAZING but I was far too shy to actually come interrupt your conversations to tell you so. So I am telling you here! 🙂
Aw, I was wondering if I’d get to meet you IRL at the party! Next time we should make a point to say hi. (And thank you!)
Oh well, thank you! Next time I will make a point of it. And I think there is some vague motion towards having another meetup in the next few months, something which Mallory does not have to organise (or even attend) of course.
Your hat really was marvelous!
(And I was tall and tipsy, with a green cardigan and a bearded and more outgoing husband tagging along.)
I remember! It was great to meet you! Your husband seems like quite a character, haha.
Reading this and seeing the photos, I’m suffused with a warm Toastie happiness, all the way from southern California. One day, I shall join you all! This I vow.
Everyone was so lovely! And on returning home a MAN made me dinner and brought it to me while I sat on the couch. A+ evening all around! Let’s do it again soon, maybe somewhere with a nice breeze or with a fan pointed directly at us.
I’d like The Toast to recreate the BSC’s “Kristy’s Great Idea” cover — the original one, of course.
That is actually what I thought that photo was at first, before I looked more closely.
This is the last known photo of Mallory Ortberg before she disappeared into a shimmering wave of heat and uncomfortable humidity.
oh my god I had no idea that was you under that handle
Hahaha, really? Blanche Deveaureaux is my alter ego always, everywhere. I thought you already knew that about me.
Hey guys sup
ugh it’s you
It was a great party! I ended up having so much fun talking to the first group of women I met that I didn’t follow my plan of wandering around meeting everyone, which I am both happy and sad about. Mostly happy, though. 🙂
HEY that’s me (representing the red hair color) and [name redacted], probably telling the story of the time Mallory met me for drinks and then decided it was time to go, threw a $20 bill on the table, and then JUMPED OUT THE WINDOW, which I (lovingly) told at least three times last night. Congratulations on your continued success, and for staying until at least 8 PM!
Ha, you don’t have to redact my name. It’s the only way any of the people I talked to last night will find me, as I’ve forgotten all their lovely names.
The Best. Time for an Iowa chapter of these events. Who’s with me? Or will it just be me and some corn? Sweet, sweet corn.
Yes, please. I vote for Ames so I can ride my bike. I am getting sweet corn tomorrow from a sweet 93-year-old farmer.
I just saw this comment. I live two hours from Ames. I NEED YOU TO RIDE YOUR BIKE HERE.
OK I have pics and I wish to upload them. Help?!
They need to be hosted elsewhere (I use TinyPic) and then you can link to them to display them here. The format looks like this:
Bless you for being so helpful!
Somehow I am in the center of photo 3, despite only being able to come for 45 minutes and being overwhelmed by an acute sense of EVERYONE KNOWS EACH OTHER BUT ME! (Obviously I should comment more and lurk less.) And then I met a lovely person wearing the expression I was feeling, and it was wonderful even though I couldn’t eat any of that lovely-looking pie.
TOAST!
I was there! I was wearing a backwards floral snapback, and if we talked I thought you were great!
I drank several hofbrau beers that were deliciously cold and came in a massive mug as if I were a lord and bought a couple songs on the jukebox and it was excellent.
Also, Mallory complimented my hair when I took my hat off as I was leaving. My day was made.
I spent the whole night drinking Pimm’s Cups but I really appreciated the fact that the beers came in those massive, lordly mugs. What an excellent bar – good choice Jasmine!
I only saw the Pimm’s Cup after I ordered my cider, and I didn’t dare have too much to drink because driving. Next time!
It was awesome! Great interaction:
Stranger: Hi, I’m so and so.
Me: I’m such and such.
Stranger: So, how long have you been a feminist?
Why yes, I AM at the right party.
I can’t like this more than once so I have to comment.
also your username!!!!!
I was there! I didn’t know anybody so I just had a quiet beer and left but the spirit of merriment and fun and MISANDRY was great.
That’s me in white with curly/frizzy hair in pic #3, doing something weird with my hands at my mouth — am I gasping in horror? In amazement? Or just picking my teeth? Whatever it is, it’s on the internet for eternity/the life of The Toast, which I hope is longer.
Hey guys. That was awesome. I had like 4 G+Ts in 2 hours and gave Mallory and Nick copies of Helene Cixous’s recent memoir.
Really loved chatting with everyone I met! And loved the variety of Toastie fans.
I vote Albatross, which is also spacious but has $1 bottomless popcorn and lots of board games.
it was SO NICE AND FUN last night. the nicest and most fun.
Your hat really was marvelous!
(And I was tall and tipsy, with a green cardigan and a bearded and more outgoing husband tagging along.)
Aw, this is great! I *love* that you had a man-stand for your laptop! How can you top that?! This looks like it was a lot of fun, and I’m hardly jealous at all! Even though I couldn’t come because I do, in fact, live in some remote third place.
Aw, this is great! I *love* that you had a man-stand for your laptop! How can you top that?! This looks like it was a lot of fun, and I'm hardly jealous at all! Even though I couldn't come because I do, in fact, live in some remote third place.
Ugh I need a meetup of Toasties, but here in Oklahoma City I fear it is near impossible. 🙁
JESUS, yes. Freaking Jim Johnson. The 8th inning on Wednesday night was just brutal.
(On the other hand, perhaps last night's game would have been an okay time to put him in – with a 12-run lead, even 5 runs isn't going to make it quite as tense.)
Any Melbournites around here care for a future toast night?
I accompanied my wife to this party to celebrate her contribution to the Toast. (I love parties, and I hate commenting online, so excuse me if I’m a little awkward.) When I first saw The Toast, I was shocked and delighted: here, someone had distilled some of my partner’s sharp wit into an publication. But of course, the truth is better than that: there’s a whole crowd of people whose sense of humor and proud feminism are like our own, and I found myself in a room full of them on Wednesday.
There were so many great people there. Figwiggin’s hat was even cooler in person. Alexander and Rachel were the first folks we talked to, mostly asking where they got cobbler. There was this terribly handsome, dignified older gentleman, who turned out to be Mallory’s father. There was the woman in picture #1 in the striped top and striped skirt, who wore a necklace with a Very Special Word that begins with “M.” There was the charming lady with the “Eleanor Bruiser-velt” t-shirt! (Gotta get one of those for our daughter). And Mallory herself was very generous with her time, letting me thank her for keeping my wife from letting her newly minted English degree lead her to a life of crime. (Go Mills Class of ’14!)
All of you were awesome, and you were very patient with this silly, loud MAN among you (brown guy, beard, black hair, pot belly). Kristen always introduces me to the nicest people.