As far as I’m concerned, bathing suits are the problem. Bathing suits shouldn’t even exist. You should be bathing (or sunbathing?) naked (or slathered with sunscreen.) A bathing suit implies that it has no functionality, just pure decoration and I just cannot tolerate that. Swimsuits, on the other hand!
Different styles (bi-, tri-, tank-, mono-, bandeau- kinis, one piece, trunks) have different advantages and disadvantages, but whatever you’re wearing, swimming is not a sport for the meek. Frolic in near-nakedness and risk confronting rocks large and small, aggressive birds, corrosive salt, foul-smelling lake mud, toxic chemical runoff, chlorine and child urine, broken glass, lifeguards, brutal sun or fluorescent lights, thunderstorms, other humans. Choose whichever suit shape that will protect you from the elements and enable you to do whatever you are already doing, but better.
I’ll neither forgive nor forget a particular strapless two-piece whose top couldn’t hold tight enough against relatively small waves and whose bottom filled with sand and sagged like a big, wet diaper. Is there a worse feeling than a wet, sand-filled crotch?
Inevitably, some swimwear will wilt, melt, or mangle when it meets the water. Whites and yellows may become transparent (I do not unilaterally oppose transparency, but its something to consider.)
Here is a suit that has already begun the work of dissolving.
This specimen looks water-soluble and if you attempt a dive wearing this, you will come out wearing a rainbow tangle.
Extra flaps of fabric, excessive fringe, and bundles of tulle seem designed to give sharks (or rip tides, whatever) a bit more surface area for their teeth.
Patterns and colors, whether they be mimicry, camouflage, neon, or just confusing to look at, are a good weapon to consider, as well. I took swimming lessons as a child and the peak of my swimming lesson career was the year my little sister and I got matching solid, fluorescent pink bathing suits from Land’s End. There was something so joyous about wearing such an eye-bending shade of pink to the pool.
Something substantial, but not burdensome is ideal. No need to weigh yourself down with snakeskin buckles, gold leather belts, or heavy hardware. But maybe not so water repellent as to actually be rubber. Definitely no denim. Is there a lining? Do you care?
Two summers ago I was constantly jealous of a friend’s tiny pair of grey swimtrunks that were short and extremely quick-drying. I spent a soggy-bottomed hour trying to imagine that windbreaker-y material into the one piece of my fantasies. I could not dream it up, but I hope someday someone will.
Under no circumstances should you accept pinching or sagging. Side ties are uncomfortable and unreliable.
Be not afraid of:
1. Cradling
2. Cupping
Nor boosting, nor swaddling. They are your friends.
Endure no twisting, tugging, hiking, yanking, adjusting, or wrenching as part and parcel of suit-wearing.
Let us stand in opposition to anything called like “miraclesuit” or “tummy tamer” and anything that claims to “break up torso” because WTF, gross, and a real miracle is not having to compress your organs before appearing in public. The existence of a pancreas and a liver is miracle enough.
I was on swim team once and the fashionable thing to do was to layer multiple speedos, all two sizes too small, to add drag during practices. I still remember just how uncomfortable it was to shimmy into those ultra-tight suits that always seemed to be cut a little too high across the hips and backside. Unless you’re training for an athletic event, I can’t recommend speedos or sizing down.
Although, I have considered the fact that a very tight fit could mean less sand in the crotch panel. In that case, acceptable.
If you can’t find a suitable suit, fuck it. Skinny dipping is better anyways. You can even find some things to wear that seem like a decent compromise between covering yourself and being completely free from the oppression of clothing: mesh! zippers for liberating your top half! I am not going to link to crotchless swimsuits, but I trust that they also exist.
One of the best feelings I ever felt when I was seventeen was wearing a “modest” tankini chosen by by mother from a store for middle aged women and rolling up the top to expose my belly while floating in the sea. My belly got burned and it felt great. I remember going to the super-air conditioned movies later that night and lifting up my shirt to see the hot pink and white lines.
Exactly none of my favorite swimming experiences revolve around swimsuits. I can’t remember what I wore that one time my grandma took me to Popham beach and told me to put my hands in the water first and the rest of my body would adjust to the icy temperature. I can’t remember what I was wearing when my mom told me the sunscreen was princess makeup so I would stop whining. I can remember what I was not wearing when I first saw bioluminescence in the icy Maine ocean waters.
In the end, there is much to be said for simplicity. Get a black tank suit and keep it in the back of your car or the bottom of your bag. Or don’t, and let that be its own excuse for a swim.
Tags: clothes, corinne fay, fashion, heads removed to protect the innocent, swimming, swimsuits
Yesssss Popham Beach!! Maine 4 evah. Also, great article, well done.
Popham BEEEEEEEEACH
Ohhhhhhhhhh, I used to live in Brunswick and I miss Popham Beach so much! It was never not amazing.
Eeeeeee me too! (though I was just a 4-year resident as a Bowdoin student *hangs head in shame* though my dad’s from Portland) It’s maybe my favorite part of the world.
(whispers) I was there as an instructor. It’s okay, this is a safe place.
Pophaaaaamm! (Going there on saturday in a swimsuit I HATE but I love that beach so much).
Reid State Park is pretty great, too. That was always our most likely beach; taking 27 from Hallowell, down through Woolwich, getting a good view of the ships at BIW. Turn left at the flag rock, not that far past the turtle rock.
I was on swim team once and the fashionable thing to do was to layer multiple speedos, all two sizes too small, to add drag during practices.
I know very little about swimming as a sport (or just in general) but wouldn’t a competitive swimmer want to reduce drag rather than add to it? It’s reducing it that makes you swim faster, I thought.
Add drag in practice, enjoy not having it in competition! It is like how people stop shaving and then just shave for meets.
what she said 🙂
I assume they were doing the same thing that batters do when they practice swinging weighted bats. Work harder doing practice so it’s easier when you’re actually competing.
The idea about drag is that you practice with the extra swimsuits and then during the race, you feel so free without them that you go extra super fast!
I think the idea is to add drag during practices so as to make yourself a stronger swimmer, and then feel free and light by comparison when you wear just the one suit for competitions.
we wanted lots of drag in practice so we would get stronger and then in a tiny special competition suit, we would theoretically fly though the water like a great white after penguins
A word of warning: if you try on a zip-front swimsuit, and you unzip it to get it on (because of course), and then you get it on and try to zip it up, there is an extremely high chance that you will mangle a good portion of your tender belly skin in the zipper. Learn from my pain. (I did not buy that suit; I bought a very cute tankini top-my first ever!- and wore it a week later with a pair of nylon shorts to float down a river and drink beer.)
Bioluminessence is the coolest thing, though I can’t spell it apparently. 😀
That was fun. I’m all about anything that feels good and mostly stays on. I’ll confess, though, I do have one small bikini, whose ability to stay on is questionable at best, but I love it, so I wear it anyway.
This article feels like an extended Toast Stance.
My mom always bought us two racerback swimsuits a year, from Land’s End or Bean (I forget) – we each got one green/blue shade and one fluorescent shade. Whenever we went to the shore we had to wear the fluorescent one, the better to find us in the water should we go missing D:
Thanks, I guess, Mom.
About six months ago in Sports Direct (cheapo UK-based sportswear/accessory place) I found a sporty swimming costume with little short legs and I immediately bought it (only £10!) and the next week bought another in a different colourway and four of my friends have bought the same style because I told them about it. All so we NEVER HAVE TO DO OUR BIKINI LINES AGAIN! I feel great joy now, during my morning swims, despite the fact that the water is always too hot.
This was my dream as a teenager: to find a swimsuit with separate pieces, one wih a high neck and short sleeves, one with legs long enough to cover my entire butt and then some, which doesn’t seem so much to ask, and never have to spend a day at the beach sticking my sunscreen-slathered hand down the front of my suit, nor to sit there in public rubbing sunscreen into the tender flesh where my thigh adjoined to my [REDACTED] every two hours or suffer sunburn in the most sensitive parts of my body.
I never did find that suit, probably because I wasn’t clever enough to go to a surf shop looking for gear; I ended up relying on cover-ups and oversized tees and cut-offs that I’d pull on after swimming, and I got burned over and over in all the tender crevices of my young body.
Now rashguards are in every swimwear department and in every catalog, and I live in bliss.
The model for the Spanish Lullaby Triangle Bikini Top, the one that you say looks water soluable, has had her hed pastede on yay and it is the wrong size and it is BOTHERING ME
Also, her torso is weirdly long. She frightens me.
I’ve yet to figure out how much butt a bikini bottom is meant to cover. I just bought a bikini for the first time in years and am very concerned. Too much butt? Not enough butt? This is a crisis.
Literally as much or as little as you want.
Extremely variable. 😀
I’ve got a big ol’ butt and I prefer a bottom that’s about the same size in the back as in the front. Never too much butt!
I got one of those retro-y suits from Modcloth last year and it is amazing. I never shave! I could run around in that thing all day. It almost makes me think I could pull off a romper. I want all my future swimsuits to be granny-pantied instead of bikini-ed. It is the BEST!
But I am now curious about this boy short thing I have seen for ages. But I am skeptical. Boy short wearers, do these things ride up if you have thighs? I HAVE THIGHS. I don’t want them to be shorts on the outside of my leg and bikini on the inside, ya know?
As a fellow thigh haver, I have never had much luck with boy shorts. They roll up and also usually have uncomfortable crotch seams.
I have some serious thighs and they don’t ride up that much – although I am talking only of underwear (from Aerie specifically) not bathing suits. Boyshorts are my favorite kind of underwear.
Those Modcloth suits are, indeed, THE BEST. So cute, so comfy. I was meant for the 1940s sartorially, not this nonsense crop top decade we’re in now.
If crop tops go on for a whole decade, I am just going to retire from society. One can only protest for so long.
I like the idea of boy shorts but my memories of the few that I had as a teenager were that they always managed to give me camel toe. Maybe they have gotten better? This was 15+ years ago.
I was super excited about my ModCloth suit but it’s a little low-cut in the front and my boob floated right out of the suit when I dove under a wave. WHOOPS.
I looked great in boy shorts. I am among the thigh-having. However, my sister looked like a freak in them. The difference: though we are of similar height, my legs are long and hers are not.
So, boy shorts: good for the long of thigh.
I am so obsessed with my Modcloth suit. I actually want to wear it all the time, like, just as my clothes! I have never felt more confident in ANYTHING never mind a swimsuit.
I wore a lot of boy shorts suits for about ten years and they seemed to require constant adjusting. I love my boy short underwear (from Aerie) though so I actually don’t even know.
Oh! I wanted to ask this question on Open Thread, but got there too late. I need a legit swim suit. Like, as suit you can swim laps with a large chest. Even the tightest Speedos I can find drag at the front. I’d rather not experience scooping water and flashing the whole pool when I dive and/or swim, thank you very much. I think I need something that comes up high enough to cover cleavage in the front, yet not restrict arm movements. Also, the DDDs are on a 5′ frame. Any suggestions?
i just wrote about my own DIY swimsuit below but i am also large-busted/small framed (32DDD) and i bought a “medium impact” sports bra from target, and wear it underneath a nylon/spandex tank top i bought at forever 21. i don’t think i’d ever use the sports bra for actual impact sports (it doesn’t really eliminate bounce factor) but it holds me in well enough for swimming.
Have you tried the Speedos that are meant more for 50-y.o. women who are swimming laps instead of the 17-y.o. who are racing?
Like this: http://www.zappos.com/speedo-conservative-ultraba…
Yup, tried them all. Any cleavage and the suit scoops up water and out spill the bosoms.
Tyr or Jantzen! And try on in person if at all possible.
Tyr! Seriously.
Tyr, absolutely. I wear this or variants thereof and it packs everything most excellently.
http://www.tyr.com/shop/women-s-solid-aqua-tank-s…
Thirding Tyr. Here’s their Destroyer which is meant for water polo and has the highest neck ever.
Is it possible that you need a long-torso suit? I realize it’s not likely when you’re 5′, but maybe you have rather short legs, I don’t know. I wear long torso swimsuits, and if I try on the non-long-torso ones, one of the ways in which they don’t fit is that the neckline is too low. Also the internal bra bits are too low, which is how I know that it’s a torso length thing and not a swimsuit design thing.
Otherwise, add me to the list of Tyr fans.
I’m small torso’d, so I don’t think that will help. I’ll check to be sure, though!
You want a high neck, wide straps, and high lycra content in a thick (fully double lined if possible) fabric. Best bet is Tyr or Speedo practice models. The fitness models have less lycra (more durable, but less compression power), and the competition models are cut for less than full coverage for anyone bigger than a B.
Another vote for Tyr. Speedos generally don’t fit my (let’s call it) exuberant chest situation, but Tyr is generally ok. They make a reversible (so double-thickness) suit that generally compresses things and keeps ’em where they are supposed to be.
Aww yiss that reversible suit!
I love my reversible suit from Tyr!
Check out Title 9 — they sell swimwear that is sized by bra size. That might help?
why does everything have a halter don’t you people have necks
Agreed; I also cannot wear halters. They cause me a lot of physical pain. I keep buying thrift store swimsuits with halters thinking that I will sew them into tanks. So far it has not happened.
I usually veer towards halters or racerbacks because I have negative shoulders and it’s impossible for regular straps to stay where they’re supposed to even if you’re not adding ocean waves and swimming into the mix.
WORD
i recently started swimming again as a form of exercise, and was so discouraged by the swimsuits i saw in stores that eventually i just said fuck it and assembled my own: sports bra + nylon stretchy yoga short-shorts + a nylon stretchy tank top = it covers me and is still comfortable to swim in, there’s no goddamn halter top, it’s all made of swimsuit material so it dries easily, and it cost me about $30 all told.
YOU ARE A GENIUS. I have a couple of sports bras that should work (though they nearly pop out my shoulders to put on/take off), and can pick up a tank and some shorts. No bikini line concerns, too!
I wear something similar for swimming laps–the top from a speedo two piece racing suit and the bottoms are one of those pairs of yoga/running shorts that for some indiscernible (but useful) reason have their own underwear already inside of them. THE BEST. I used to try to wear bikini tops with board shorts, but even my rather small 34C boobs were all “DO NOT WANT” to bikini tops. Do bikini tops stay on ANYONE? I need to know, for SCIENCE.
I have androgynous-verging-on-butch clothing taste, and my current favorite thing to wear in the water is a sports-bra-style swimsuit top and men’s board shorts. (Which have POCKETS! Men’s clothes have pockets EVERYWHERE. It always amazes me. Not that you really want to swim with your keys and your wallet weighing you down, but still…) I’m considering upgrading to something from these folks, but the improvised swimsuit is working well in the meantime.
as chairperson of the IBTC, I feel compelled to crowdsource this question: what is a good, inexpensive swimsuit brand that makes bikini tops that won’t swamp and overwhelm small boobs?
I like triangle tops from stores for teenagers. Forever 21 has a million that are incredibly cheap, although the colors and patterns can be eye-watering. I’ve also had good luck at Roxy and those other skate/surf sort of shops. And I love my Tigerlily suit, I think it is also from a surf-oriented store, although I don’t know if actual surfers shop at any of those places, I certainly can’t imagine doing any kind of athletic activity in a triangle top. They’re perfect if you have no cleavage though. Whatever you do, stay away from Victoria’s Secret.
I actually bought one by Roxy – just a plain black halter – off Amazon (with Prime!) to go to the beach this weekend. And it was glorious. (The sunburn isn’t, but the bikini top was.)__Granted, the bottoms came from somewhere else, but I am a boyshorts person and not a bikini bottoms person.
Roxy is a good bet, yeah. Or, any of the surf brands, actually — Billabong, Volcom.
I buy a lot of bikinis from Patagonia, too, though that fails the cheap requirement. 😉
A friend of mine has a teen-sized halter bikini top (comes down to her midriff, and has daisies!), and then grown-up sized boy shorts, which she bought separately, because she is a petite, yet pear-shaped lady. The bikini top is straight out of the Della’s 1997 catalog, I swear.
Target sells great tops for small boobies. Triangle tops, bandeaus, you name it, they have it.
I’ve had luck with Target.
Why are bathing suits so expensive?? I wear one approximately 5-7 times per summer, and it seems ridiculous to spend $40 on each piece (and these are the “less expensive” suits I’m finding). Before I was approaching plus-sized, I used to be able to find cheap pieces at Marshall’s or H&M, but now I’m a bit out of luck.
Old Navy, maybe?
I’m right at the cusp of plus-size and have very much enjoyed this suit from Target. I owned it in red last year and in a black and white stripe this year, and it seems pretty durable and cute. (But yes they are stupid expensive.)
Oh, that Target suit is gorgeous (and totally reasonable). Thanks for sharing!
Oh my god, like all the swimsuits I actually like are $100 and I swim even less than that!
ASOS at the end of the season isn’t terrible- plus they carry Panache and Freya swimwear so you can actually buy tops in actual boob sizes.
My favorite swimsuit ever was in 1988: I was seven, it was white with small silver sparkles and an iridescent ruffle at the waist that looked just like the Crystal Barbie dress. I wore it for a week on vacation, came back to our home on a very rural lake (where I was excited to show off my fancy new suit), and promptly ruined the front with dandelion sap stains. (This is basically the story of every piece of clothing I’ve ever loved.)
I remember my mom bought me a bikini when I was like, 4 and I hated it so much. The bottoms felt so low and like they were just going to fall off and I felt naked but not in a nice way. I spent most of my beach time pulling at the bottoms. After a few beach meltdowns, a more suitable one piece appeared and I have avoided bikinis ever since.
Exactly none of my favorite swimming experiences revolve around swimsuits.
PREACH. All of my favorite swim moments involve skinny dipping, usually at night after a delicious assortment of alcoholic beverages.
This post inspired me to go looking for a new suit on my lunch break – usually I struggle with this due to a bananas bra size, but not today! Today I purchased OFF THE RACK a fine little retro number that fit, did not have any control panels, has a strap to keep the suit from falling down that does not cut into my neck or shoulder meats, is super comfortable, AND WAS TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS.
I don’t even care that my boobs rest somewhere around my bottom ribs in it. This is a banner day.
I recommend speedos always, everywhere,
http://www.shopbop.com/spanish-lullaby-triangle-b…
This suit. Something is terribly wrong in the photograph of this suit, and I can’t quite figure out what it is. Is it that they’ve made her head both too large and too far forward? Is it the unsettling length of her torso in between the bikini top and the impossibly low-cut bottoms? I can’t figure it out, but this picture terrifies me.
Yeah, she’s definitely got a toddler head-to-body ratio going on there.
And the ruffles on the top make her boobs look really strange. Overall, the photo is not selling me on the merits of this swimsuit.
If you look at the boob closeup photo, it seems like the position of her boobs and the position of the swimsuit bear no relation to one another. Suspicious.
Also, what is going on with her butt in the backside photo. Is- is that possible?? I am starting to feel really alarmed and sorry for this model. I think I need to close the tab.
I think that what’s going on is that a normal lady met a troubled photoshopper. It looks as if her thighs have been reduced and moved apart, her breasts have been lifted, her torso’s been lengthened, and the aforementioned hed-pasting has happened. If you look at her lower legs in the backside shot (after you tear your eyes away from whatever’s going on with the suit itself, you see that they go off at a weird angle and taper too sharply, as if somebody shaved the edges off with no regard for normal human anatomy.
Oh, and somebody came by and gave her a wedgie just before the shoot.
I just found out that a lady who swims at my local pool MAKES SWIMSUITS, any kind you want, for not much more coin than I already pay. So all over that.
If you’re crafty, maybe try making one yourself? The sewing blogosphere says it’s no harder than a t-shirt, and everyone (seems like) is making/has made this one: http://www.store.closetcasefiles.com/patterns/bom…
I’m an intermediate sewer, and I started making it over the weekend-so far it’s going smoothly.
Anything more complicated than sewing a button on gives me the cold sweats. That pattern looks great, though – plz to post pic when you’re done!
I am frustrated because 3/4 of these links are blocked by my work’s websense for “lingerie and swimsuit” UGH I DON’T WANT TO LOOK AT NAKED LADIES I JUST WANT TO BUY A SWIMSUIT, IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK??
I have a decent one-piece from American Apparel that somehow, against all odds, fits me ok. It *does* have a hole burned into it though from when I got drunk in the dominican republic and nearly set it on fire with incense sticks.
ok not gonna lie I kind of want that denim suit but that’s cause I dress like a Dirtbag Clarissa Explains it All and it would really vibe with my aesthetic. Probably not super comfortable though if it’s actually made of denim.
I HAD THAT! But pink and black.
It was such a great swimsuit! I think my sister might have had it in pink.
So if all the pictures in the early part of this post are “swimsuits,” what are you referring to with “bathing suit?” Because none of those “swimsuits” are actually meant for swimming – they’re meant for sunbathing, sashaying around at poolside while delivering flirtatious looks over the tops of your oversized sunglasses, or standing up to your knees in the ocean while squealing in mock terror and giggling like a 2-year-old while hot boyz splash you. In other words, anything but actually moving around in a swimming motion.
For cute suits that can handle the motion (rather than that weird one up top that looks like a bunch of colored rubber bands holding up some sort of ass-kerchief) but aren’t either plain blank tanks or racers, try the one-piece department at SwimOutlet.com.
Signed, A former competitive swimmer who would really like it if “let’s go swimming” didn’t mean “let’s complain for three hours that our thong bikinis keep falling off in the waves.”
So if all the pictures in the early part of this post are "swimsuits," what are you referring to with "bathing suit?" Because none of those "swimsuits" are actually meant for swimming – they're meant for sunbathing, sashaying around at poolside while delivering flirtatious looks over the tops of your oversized sunglasses, or standing up to your knees in the ocean while squealing in mock terror and giggling like a 2-year-old while hot boyz splash you. In other words, anything but actually moving around in a swimming motion.
For cute suits that can handle the motion (rather than that weird one up top that looks like a bunch of colored rubber bands holding up some sort of ass-kerchief) but aren't either plain blank tanks or racers, try the one-piece department at SwimOutlet.com.
Signed, A former competitive swimmer who would really like it if "let's go swimming" didn't mean "let's complain for three hours that our thong bikinis keep falling off in the waves."
That cradler is the top to my first bikini in 20 years! I wore it out for the first time this weekend and frolicked and splashed and had a grand ol’ time, without having to adjust it even once in 5+ hours of beachy fun (and I’m a 36E/DD)
Cycling shorts + a tshirt of the same material but with a cool print = swimming combo charm. It was like a swimwear revelation for my 14-year-old self.
Cycling shorts + a tshirt of the same material but with a cool print = swimming combo charm. It was like a swimwear revelation for my 14-year-old self.
I had a really similar design in neon orange and black, but with stripes and checks! The black fabric let more sun through, so I spent that summer with a checkerboard-and-stripe tan motif on my skin.