Maintaining the Body You’ve Always Wanted

by Nicole Cliffe · August 6, 2014

imagesThis sequel to “Getting the Body You’ve Always Wanted” is dedicated with love to prominent public intellectual Ta-Nehisi Coates.

1. If you stop looking after the body you’ve always wanted, you’re going to see some unpleasant changes.

2. You may find that just doing the same old things to maintain your body, day in and day out, will gradually stop working.

3. Fluid loss is a real concern. Prevent it at all costs.

4. Studies suggest that your body may respond better to colder temperatures than you’re used to.

5. Shake things up a little with essential oils, both for your body, and for your home and car and outdoor storage unit.

6. Keep a detailed journal.

7. Hair loss is common as your body ages, and not something to be ashamed of. Invest in a high-quality wig.

8. Remember: you can never stop the passage of time, but you CAN find ways to slow down its impact.

9. If you find your nails are yellowing or pulling away from the nail bed, drugstore acrylics are higher-quality than ever before.

10. Remind yourself of your motivation daily. You worked hard to get this body.

11. Family and friends may not provide the support you need during this time. Consider finding an online circle of likeminded individuals and enthusiasts.

12. Instead of reaching for food as a reward, splurge on a new outfit.

13. A decline in skin elasticity is to be expected. Cosmetics and topical compounds can go a long way to restoring the full, soft cheeks you used to love looking at and stroking.

14. If things progress to a point you find intensely challenging, and parts of your body are just not what they once were, there are always surgical options.

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27 Comments

  1. tubatoothpaste +29

    I’m imagining Norman Bates reading this in a magazine, nodding enthusiastically and taking notes.

    2. Genevievenumba4 +4

      I can’t even imagine how much fun they had making this movie, though it’s fun to try.

    1. Kai_Ko +24

      I was nodding and being like, “Fluids, yup yup, that makes sense. Also, I guess I could turn off the heater…?”

      OOooooooOOOhhhh.

  6. leider_hosen +67

    I really enjoy this, but also I feel compelled to point out how both Nicole and Mallory seem to have…intensified over the course of the Toast’s existence, or become More Themselves. Like, Nicole offers more opinions in link roundups (and they’re always SO RIGHT and also devastatingly well-said) and Mallory is…more, more clever and more insane. I’m super into it.

    Basically you guys are the best, never change, except to become more yourselves, and also I want Nicole to be my fitness coach forever.

      1. Alli525 +35

        I was just thinking about how if there were an announcement for a week-long Toast Camp (cabins, tug of war, free swim, bonfires, horses) I would just shut up and give Nic and Mal my entire bank account. Sign me up. I don’t care what I’m doing that week, I will be at Toast Camp.

        Even better if it includes Nicole’s body-swole classes.

  7. kellycatchpole +17

    I found that once my teeth started to yellow with time, white-out was a viable option.

    that, or the down-home on a dime solution of a rag soaked in a solution of bleach and baking soda, folded lengthwise four times, stuffed in the mouth overnight.

  8. romastrega +9

    There are some sections of Mary Roach’s Stiff that would be very helpful in maintaining your body if anyone is interested….

  9. GreenGrasses +16

    Such radically different reactions, reading this before clicking the reference link and then reading it after. Well played, ladies.

    1. abrantingham +14

      Me too, especially this part:

      13. A decline in skin elasticity is to be expected. Cosmetics and topical compounds can go a long way to restoring the full, soft cheeks you used to love looking at and stroking.

      Yikes.

  10. deleted5647547 +35

    If you’re into the organic/no chemicals!!! stuff, you can seal your entire body an an airtight glass coffin full of honey! It’s a natural preservative! It would also be a conversation starter at parties and, if placed in the living room, could sub in for a coffee table.

  11. Ialdagorth

    If you're into the organic/no chemicals!!! stuff, you can seal your entire body an an airtight glass coffin full of honey! It's a natural preservative! It would also be a conversation starter at parties and, if placed in the living room, could sub in for a coffee table.

  16. Ashleigh Brantingham

    Me too, especially this part:

    13. A decline in skin elasticity is to be expected. Cosmetics and topical compounds can go a long way to restoring the full, soft cheeks you used to love looking at and stroking.

    Yikes.