1. Tell her she’ll never get really ripped with that kind of diet.
2. Watch her from a distance and wonder how she’s even able to walk around, let alone do Box Jumps, on legs that haven’t had beef in a decade. When your buddy sees you spacing out, say loudly that you love a Clean Snatch. Do one, just to prove your point.
3. Ditto with Thrusters.
4. Ask her if she’s ever met any cute, fuzzy animals while she’s foraging for nuts and berries.
5. Ask her if she wants to get all-you-can-eat-wings at BW3’s. When she rolls her eyes, remind her that chicken isn’t meat.
6. Sing the song from that one Simpsons episode about how you don’t make friends with salad.
7. Ask her if she gets any of her protein from dairy and when she says yes, grab a pair of Kettlebells and do a Farmer’s Walk while chanting only baby cows drink milk.
8. Start a sentence with, “Since the dawn of time, humans have…” Forget what you were going to say, something about Paleo. Climb the Rope.
9. When you can’t keep hold of the rope because you’re all sweaty, point out that your sweat smells like bacon, sweet, sweet bacon. Ignore the grossed-out look on her face and move toward the display of energy drinks so she can get a good look at your calves. Calves. Veal. Make a mental note to tell her she’s really missing out on veal, but figure it’s too soon on the heels of the other baby cow comment. Flex your calves.
10. Ask her why she wasn’t at the nutrition seminar. When she doesn’t stop rowing to answer, excuse yourself and then go over to your cubby to procure a Tupperware container full of ground lamb and scrambled eggs. Take a big bite. Do not gag. If you need to gag, turn around so she can’t see you. Realize she was not looking anyway.
11. Ask her if she wants to snap into a Slim Jim.
Tags: advice, crossfit, dreams, fitness, getting swole, humor, marcy campbell
#1. Oh yes. When I had a trainer, I pretty much blew his mind by forming muscles on a vegetarian diet. God bless him, he quickly learned to stop talking to me about “nutrition.”
God forbid compassion for other beings interfere with getting TOTALLY RIPPED.
Now I’m glad I don’t go to the gym so I don’t have to encounter dudes making “clean snatch” jokes. Ughhhhh
Clearly, we need to invent a weight lifting maneuver and call it the “mouthy gym scum”. Then spend hours loudly discussing what a totally pointless exercise it is, how it makes external genitals look small, how it totally ruins an otherwise perfectly pleasant circuits session, and how stupid people look when doing it.
I think the exercise should consist of grabbing a too large dumbbell (“proficient” lifters can use two), scanning the gym, swaggering lopsidedly to the cardio machines, then trying to grunt and still look cool while lifting the dumbbell in some way.
my crossfitting older brother has a shirt that says “nice snatch” which has a picture of a dude doing one. bleh.
soemtimes, because we are mature, I’m like “THIS THING ABOUT FISTING AND THIS OTHER THING ABOUT GAY SEX.” which usually causes him to leave the room. and therefore I win.
Yes
I think what always keeps me away from crossfit is how ludicrous everything they do sounds.
I always think of this gif when I think of Crossfit, even though I do think kipping pull-ups make more sense in a real-world scenario than traditional pull-ups (if you are hanging from a rock ledge, you’re not going to not use your body to hoist yourself up, you know? Extensive firehouse conversations about this, but the firefighters agree Crossfit culture is dumb).
well I guess the reason s because when you do pull-ups, you’re supposed to just be training the muscles, not literally practicing pulling yourself up on a bar like you might have to do in the world. (Or in a world in which it is somehow necessary to pull one up on a bar, whatever world that might be.)
But this actually makes me feel like all of crossfit culture is indicative of late-stage capitalist decadence, in which the bourgeoisie spend their time and money engaged in a completely involving activity that is largely pointless and unrelated to either labor or survival, and has no real value except in demonstrating that one has the time and money to commit to it.
I remember reading an article about it, where the guy was like, “This isn’t like playing baseball, that just trains you to be good at baseball! You’ll have the fitness to climb up a thing or run for a long way or somtehing something bullshit, CROSSFIT IS AMAZING.”
And it’s just…what? Just play baseball. baseball is fun, man. You can do it every weekend in the summer. When the fuck do you think you’re going to have to climb out the window of a burning building?
(Firepersons excepted, of course; if your job is to climb up on stuff, then obviously do that, but all the people I know who do crossfit just hve regular, non-climbing-up-things jobs.)
Yes, I agree with what you are saying. When I was chatting with said fire crews, however, they said they are moving away from exercises that aren’t related to real life movement (think isolated bicep curls) because they want their bodies to be stronger for certain moves and positions, if that makes sense.
It’s generally true that isolations aren’t as good as exercise that engage complex muscle groups, both because they help to develop smaller muscles that are often overlooked by isolation sets, but also because they develop the neurology required for coordinated action. But the thing about pull-ups is that regular pull-ups DO that; the kip-up just makes it easier.
So, in my opinion as an expert in neither exercise nor firefighting, this is largely a matter of personal preference.
it is comments like this that make the toast a truly peerless blog
“all of crossfit culture is indicative of late-stage capitalist decadence”
swoon
Yep, comrade, I agree. I bet some of them talk among themselves about how working people aren’t as fit as they are because working people won’t “get off their asses” and go to a gym to engage in the latest maniacal workout craze.
I’m too tired from lifting and unpacking boxes at work all day for that shit.
When I worked at Starbucks, one of my coworkers would get up at some hideous hour to go to the gym before work. But seriously, dude, I just carried 30 pounds of coffee up the stairs and across the lobby without dropping the box on anyone. You need the gym after that?
Ugh I love that gif
Say, “You must get a lot of protein from beans,” then snicker.
“Chicken isn’t meat”. I’ve heard several variations of this. My favourite was my grandparents telling me I could eat their spaghetti bolognese because “Oh, it’s not really meat, it’s just little bits”.
My grandmother was always confused about the difference between vegetarian and organic. For the many years I was vegetarian, she was never sure whether or not I could eat anything or if she had to buy special things for me.
That’s adorable, though.
I used to have a roommate who declared she was “vegetarian except for chicken and also ribs.” I didn’t have the heart to tell her that eating chicken and ribs is basically the opposite of being a vegetarian. I know red-blooded meat eaters who don’t like ribs because they have a thing against GNAWING ON BONES.
Whaaat? It hardly gets meatier than ribs! Reminds me of a guy I dated who insisted his co-worker could rightfully use the term vegan despite the fact that he “just needs to eat a hamburger once in a while” (about once a month, it turned out).
WORDS HAVE MEANINGS.
Oh, and a little beef broth is o.k., right? Trying to cook for vegetarians who aren’t any formally recognized kind of vegetarian is a little maddening. So, what animal products are vegetarian, today? Pot roasts?
Gah I’m vegetarian and I had a tuna sandwich for lunch today and now I feel guilty. You caught me, guys!
(I’d just come out and call myself pescetarian, but that makes me fear that people will start trying to feed me fish, and the only fish I like is tuna sandwiches and the very very basic types of sushi without any roe or eel or cephalopods on them.)
It would be easier just to deny it. If caught red-handed, scream— OH MY GOD! THIS IS NOT MY VEGGIE SANDWICH! Then say, “Come to think of it, it did smell sort of odd.”
Definitely doing that next time, thx
What? When I was a kid, me and the cousins would crack the bones and suck out the marrow— now THAT’S paleo.
I had a roommate who was pescatarian except when drunk. When drunk, doner kebabs were required.
My grandma was appalled at vegetarians, because at certain points in her life, meat was a luxury they had to save money to buy. “You mean people just choose to eat vegetables, even if they can afford the meat?”
I’m neither here nor there on vegetarianism (love animals, but also love the way they taste), but her perspective was interesting.
I keep winding up being vegetarian for a week or two at a time, because after periodic stretches of poverty, I have literally forgotten that meat is a thing I can buy. BUT CHICKPEAS ARE ON SALE, YOU GUYS.
Listen I saw this the other day and now I’m feeling smug about being lazy. So to people who do CrossFit: all my respect and awe. To those like me who don’t: look, we have a good reason that isn’t “it sounds really hard”!
http://www.vox.com/2014/7/15/5900975/science-of-c…
#7 alone is grounds for me to keep right the hell away from Crossfit and all that Paleo nonsense.
I’m not a vegetarian and even then none of these would work on me.
Despite having a few (non-hilarious) Lucilles in my own life, and knowing how difficult they can be to deal with, I STILL want to be her when I grow up.
My mother is fond of saying “I’m a terrible mother” in her Lucille voice.
Who is this “Lucille”?
Fictional character Lucille Bluth from “Arrested Development”. Last gif in the article.
Realize she was not looking anyway.
All I want to be in life is this girl.
When you could be the doesn’t know he’s alive girl? Dream, damnit, dream!
Indeed, reach for the stars, that way you can have your head in the clouds.
And remember: being oblivious is a form of misandry!
Somewhat disappointed. Could actually use genuine advice on how to stop getting with vegetarian girls. WELCOME TO LESBIANISM, POPULATION: 76% VEGANS.
There are no lesbian steak houses where you live?
Have you tried just carrying a giant turkey leg with you wherever you go?
Oh my god, I have this exact same problem. It’s tough finding culinarily compatible women when you’re a primarily carnivorous lesbian.
Have you tried just carrying a giant turkey leg with you wherever you go?
Definitely doing that next time, thx
God forbid compassion for other beings interfere with getting TOTALLY RIPPED.
That is hilarious. I am one of those chicks 🙂