Link is a fictional character from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, a video game I played often as a kid, and oftener as an adult. In my spare time I like to imagine what other fictional characters from that same game he would date. Here are some of them, in order.
13. The Poe Salesman
He’s a mysterious, hooded figure who pays Link to bring him the imprisoned spirits of the evil dead. Also, he says deeply inappropriate things to young strangers. No sale.
12. Impa
Impa, as we have established in previous essays, is a stone cold lesbian, Farore bless her. Their relationship will only ever be one of mutual respect and friendliness.
11. The Great Fairy
She’s very loud, and prone to leaping up screaming out of the ground, which I don’t think would work for Link, who literally never speaks.
10. Princess Ruto
She is dead weight as a child — Link has to literally carry her through the entirety of Lord Jabu-Jabu’s belly:
And as an adult, she refuses to familiarize herself with the basic laws of consent, insisting that Link is her fiancé because he retrieved a sapphire for her father once.
Also, her body is made partly of fish.
STOP SAYING THAT
HE NEVER AGREED TO MARRY YOU
9. Saria
Saria is Link’s Annabel Lee, you know? Leave her by the sea-side with her broken dreams and her child’s toys and move on. She’ll never age beyond ten years old. There’s no future there.
Sure, it’s sad when he leaves her on the bridge to Kokiri Forest, but you can’t build a life on having learned a song together as kids. She and Mido can work out some sort of Peter-Pan-and-Peter-Pan arrangement. She’ll be okay.
8. Twinrova
If you could forget that she’s actually made of Koume and Kotake (who look like this) for long enough, they could have a hell of a fling. Dodge her lava bullets, obviously. She’ll probably kill you, but the sex would be worth it.
7. Dark Link
DON’T PRETEND YOU HAVEN’T THOUGHT ABOUT IT. YOU THOUGHT ABOUT WILLOW AND DARK WILLOW IN DOPPELGANGLAND AND YOU THOUGHT ABOUT DARK LINK IN THE WATER TEMPLE.
Don’t believe me? Do a quick Google image search for “Link and Dark Link” and tell me how many drawings you find of the two of them making out in the first three rows. Go ahead.
6. Zelda-as-Zelda
Cute kid!
Beautiful woman!
Zelda and Link really do make a lovely pair. So blonde! So virtuous! But it’s a little too sweet, a little too precious to make it into the top three. It’s the straight equivalent of twink-on-twink.
NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT. A better example: you know how the real crime of Little Women is not that Jo and Laurie don’t hook up, but that Laurie and Amy make a kind of boring couple? Link and Zelda together are the same kind of boring. It’s not objectionable, exactly, it’s just not compelling. (COME AT ME, AMY DEFENDERS)
5. Nabooru
THIS is a pairing I can get behind. When Nabooru first meets Link as a kid, her first thought is Hey, I can exploit this child’s small size in order to steal shit I want. I like that in a woman.
When she meets Link as an adult, her first reaction is “If only I knew you would become such a handsome man…I should have kept the promise I made back then.”
THEORY: I THINK LINK ENJOYS, A LITTLE BIT, BEING PUSHED AROUND BY STRONG WOMEN WEARING INTENSE MAKEUP. I think he would enjoy getting told what to do. I think it would be good for him. She’s DANGEROUS, but just enough to be hot, not enough to get anyone in serious trouble. She hates Ganondorf, so she’s still good at heart, but that doesn’t mean she’s not interested in cat burglary and wearing massive suits of armor.
4. Ganondorf
UGH, I’m such a sucker for the scene where the villain demonstrates begrudging respect for his heroic adversary.
Look at the passion on his face as he calls out Link’s name!
And it’s just so WONDERFULLY CAMPY, you know? They’re ETERNALLY BOUND TO ONE ANOTHER through the pieces of the Triforce embedded on their hands. Ganondorf kidnaps Link’s girlfriend(?) and imprisons her in a BIG PINK CRYSTAL just to get Link to come over and watch him play piano.
It wouldn’t last, but shooting stars never do.
3. Darunia
“Do you know what a prize I am in the gay community? There’s a term for it. I’m a bear. And I’m a daddy. I’m a daddy bear.”
Darunia is made of ROCKS and MUSCLES and he keeps demanding that Link call him Brother (which I always imagine him saying in a Jesse Ventura voice, “Brr-r-r-r-rrrrother!”). Link’s all blonde timidity and pureness of heart and the two of them would set the fucking world on fire.
The first time they meet, Link teaches Darunia to dance and lifts the troubles of his careworn heart.
I REST MY CASE
2. Malon
Malon! Oh man, I have such a soft spot in my heart for Malon. She’s the game’s first and best Badass Normal in a cast full of magic weirdos. She’d be Link’s dead wife in Gladiator, you know what I mean? Not that she’s been slaughtered by Romans or anything, but if Link were going to hang up his sword and spend the rest of his life in peaceful retirement on a farm somewhere, Malon would be it.
She gave him a horse. He’s been to her house. Her dad likes him. She’s got cute red hair, and she’s not trapped in the body of a ten-year-old or a fish princess or anything weird.
Plus, when she grows up, she looks a little bit like Emma Watson. It’d be a pretty sweet life, you know?
But I’m not sure Link’s ever going to get that kind of life, what with Ganondorf busting out of the Sacred Realm with the same ease that Sideshow Bob keeps busting out of Springfield’s minimum security penitentiary. Which brings us to…
1. Zelda-as-Sheik
They have so much more in common than Link does with Zelda-as-Zelda: they both love shouting “Ugh!” in battle and looking good in blue tunics and throwing Deku nuts and wearing their bangs long. Imagine how many of those creepy wobbling white monsters from the Shadow Temple they could defeat if they fought back-to-back together.
“I’ve been waiting for you,” Sheik would say, without turning around, “Hero of Time.”
Seven Link/Dark Link fanarts in the first three rows of the Google Image search. Thanks for not letting me down, internet.
My younger brother and I always called the Great Fairies “Ganondorf’s Wife”. I think because we were too young to know how to vocalize “Ganondorf in Drag”.
I know it’s not OoT, but Link and Ghirahim (from Skyward Sword) are THE SHIT. I mean, Ghirahim definitely wants to stick his tongue into more than just Link’s ear IYKWIM, plus he can transform into a badass sword.
I don’t know, King Zora’s pretty hott.
(mu)WEEP
(mu)WEEP
(mu)WEEP
Raucously cough-laughing in a public office because I just remembered what that sounds like, thank you.
Well, she has the exact same character design as Malon (and are potentially parallel universe doppelgängers I guess? I CAN’T REMEMBER MY ZELDA CANON), but I was always a big fan of a Romani/Link OTP. They both like shooting arrows at things and successfully ward off an alien invasion/mass cow abduction together, which is clearly their meet-cute.
Wait, no Morpha?
There’s also Gohma…Link’s forgotten loves.
FUCK THE WATER TEMPLE
Navi doesn’t even make the list?? All right, maybe they don’t really have a substantial conversation ever in the game. But they’re together through the whole adventure, and there’s so much subtext in some of Navi’s lines, like “Pay attention to what the Action Icon says. That’s the blue icon at the top of the screen!”
FUCK NAVI
My text alert is “Hey! Listen!”. Which is terrible, but pretty much reflects my hate for both Navi and text messages.
Relevant geeky song is relevant. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TR9phsC4enE
Link stands in the Temple of Time, awaiting his bride. All his friends are here, with only a few notable exceptions, but that was to be expected when the Hero of Time has to pick just one of many suitors.
And there she is, floating down the aisle, a vision of beauty.
“Do you take this man,” begins the officiant, Impa, “To be your lawfully wedded husband?”
“HEY!” says the bride, her voice like summer rain, “LISTEN!”
There is not a dry eye in the house.
Link lays in bed, very old, very sick. This is the end. His wife hovers near him.
“My dear,” he wheezes, “It was fun, wasn’t it, all these years together?”
“HEY!” she says, “LISTEN!”
“Yeah. Yeah. I love you, too, Navi.”
If you want to prize family ritual above individual consent yourself, at least one artist will sell you an awesome engagement ring in the shape of the Zora Sapphire (which *ahem* is not an *ahem* emerald of the sort you might find in the forest of all-green outfits).
https://www.etsy.com/listing/119377865/zora-sapph…
Pedantry aside, I literally did a happy dance when I saw this post headline. Because OoT is and will always be The Most Important Video Game of All Time, Forever. And I will read anything Mallory writes about it and treasure it in my heart.
omg tytyty
Just some FYI: Yesterday at a store, we were having some trouble trying to return a purchase, and then I looked at the dude behind the register and said, “Wait, is that a Majora’s Mask necklace?” and INDEED IT WAS and then we talked about how important Hyrule was in our pre-teen/teen years and now (obvi), and then he helped us return our purchase.
I am really, really hoping that the Amy defenders do come at you in the comments because I am terribly curious about what they have to say. I mean, it’s not that I dislike Amy, but I certainly would never trouble myself to defend her relationship with Laurie because COME ON. I don’t even know how a person would go about doing that.
Mallory.
How did you know about the Dark Willow thing. Why. Whyyy-eeee.
Leaving Saria behind used to make me so damn sad that I’d wonder whether I should continue with the game. But now I live in a foreign country and marrying a wonderful woman here myself, so I feel like I understand it more.
I had a crush on Princess Ruto when I was a kid. I’m not sure what that says about me.
If we’re going for the whole Zelda franchise, then I will ship Midna-as-weird-imp/Link forever.
I’ve never really played LoZ, but I would DEFINITELY have Link/Dark Link as my OTP.
Navi, though, if you’re looking for a His Girl Friday relationship.
(also I’d be fine with an article just screaming “MIDNA” interspersed with screenshots of Longing Looks.)
The problem with Navi is she’s less a character in the story than a function of the game. It’s like shipping Link and the B button.
But MIDNA 4EVA. She played a similar role to Navi, but actually had a personality beyond “annoyingly helpful.”
I think in this context you’re allowed to go meta and imagine what’s happening behind the Z targeting – Navi swirling around Stalfos and Volvagia and Twinrova, Link’s eyes narrowing as he looks for her shining wings and praying his arrow shot will miss her to land in the bones and scales and skin of the monster trying to kill them both.
Downtime in the fields where she races alongside him while Epona beats down dirt paths, that sort of thing.
More like Link and the action button, amirite?
“It’s like shipping Link and the B button”
I just cackled so loudly a coworker popped up over the cube walls to make sure I was okay, whoops
No votes for the bored arcade attendant? That chick looked like she listened to really awesome bands.
For that matter, the fishing pond attendant looks like he knows his way around a good time.
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This is timely because I’m going to a ZELDA-THEMED WEDDING this week.
You have good people in your life. Never let them go.
THEORY: I THINK LINK ENJOYS, A LITTLE BIT, BEING PUSHED AROUND BY STRONG WOMEN WEARING INTENSE MAKEUP.
As a longtime player of Twilight Princess, I can confirm this is 1000% true.
i am so shipping malonxlink now. i just want the best for the guy you know? a life with malon sounds nice, and god knows he’s earned it.
That screencap of Ganondorf saying Link’s name made me laugh so hard! I’d love to see a series of this with other games.
C’mon, Skull Kid!! Don’t you totally want link to have a weird makeout session with that masked, confusing, boring-puzzle-solving freakshow??
C'mon, Skull Kid!! Don't you totally want link to have a weird makeout session with that masked, confusing, boring-puzzle-solving freakshow??
<img src="http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110514155723/zelda/images/3/3f/Skull_Kid_Artwork_(Ocarina_of_Time).png" width="25%" height="25%/">
Mallory, I literally make my living writing about video games and I never, ever think about writing a list of Link’s romantic interests. Why hasn’t this ever occurred to me? *throws down pen* I’m past it, it’s time to retire.
this is as good a time/place as any to admit that i read a lot of Link/Sheik fanfic in middle school. (Shiek was always actually a separate person from Zelda, bc it was ff.net in the early 2000a)
If we do get into Twilight Princess, though, Hena was a babe.
YES
I ship Link/strong iron bars.
Romance? Don’t make me laugh. We all know that all Link is interested in is cruising the market at night and getting dry-humped from behind by a succession of ReDeads.
my vote is for Darunia because of the old adage that good dancers make good lovers.
Also this made me realize that Princess Ruto would be the perfect match for Philip J. Fry, as she is the kind of mermaid with the fish part on the top and the lady part on the bottom.