The Abs Brah

by Mallory Ortberg · September 16, 2014

This weekend I was in Yosemite, one of our nation’s loveliest national parks. It was there that I met the Abs Brah.

abs brah

Who is the Abs Brah? What is he doing in a national park? Why does he have a Harley-Davidson sign on his Toyota truck?

I thought I saw the Abs Brah. He was either the shirtless man with great abs who yelled at a tour tram to “get off the fucking bus and walk” or the man with his hair in a bun I saw wandering the parking lot wearing a tank top that said “98% nut free.”

There are many abs brahs in the world. Perhaps you have met one. Perhaps you have met mine. He is out there, somewhere, alive and well, motoring from park to park, with his abs and his truck.

Perhaps he is you.

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


132 Comments

  3. ramina +57

    I am seeing so many dudes with their hair in messy buns lately and it is such a confusing trend to me because I can never get my hair to look nearly as good 🙁

    1. highfivesforall +44

      This is like “bedhead” or “festival hair”, isn’t it? It’s actually impossible, everyone who has it is a witch or has been cursed by one.

      1. LeastBittern +8

        I know! It’s weird! And the spouse is awfully resistant to wearing one, even while doing chores around the house.

        1. abbeyroadmedley +13

          My fellow doesn’t have quite thick enough hair to pull off the man bun, but he has adopted what I can only describe as a cheerleader ponytail for working around the house. I’m pretty fond of the look.

      2. wrappedupinbooks +24

        My heart/vagina loves the messy man bun, but my brain does not. It’s such a weird lady boner

    3. tragicallyludicrous +13

      Dutch guys wear a lot of buns and how do they do it I can barely put my hair in a bun how did you learn Nicky

    4. robotneedslove +62

      My favourite man-bun story: I was recently at a bar with my friend who was ‘buddies’ with the owner (buddies, brah). We were there to continue celebrating after a wedding that wrapped up early, and so were all dressed up. I had, in the esprit du temps, pinned flowers in my hair.

      The owner/bartender’s assistant was a young tall male hipster possessing an unearthly beauty, whose name was Justin. He had shaved the sides of his head and twisted the rest of his hair into a fetching bun atop his head. He also had a flower pinned in his bun.

      “Justin!” I said “I’m so glad that tonight I’m not the only person with flowers in my hair” hoping to engage with this sylph of a man.

      “It’s not a flower” Justin replied. “It’s an onion.”

        1. robotneedslove +32

          Here’s the thing about Justin. He was confused. It was definitely a flower, but some bar patron had told him it was an onion. I think it was an onion flower (the bar was dark, but it was purple and had that spherical thing going on), so he was not completely off-base. But, gentle Justin, the thing you are wearing in your hair is definitely a flower. Bless.

          1. blunderbusst +5

            Oooooooooooooooooooooh.

            Well, in that case, I hope you were able to correct his mistake. And by that I mean I hope you were able to, er, engage with him.

          2. robotneedslove +10

            Oh haha no, I was there with my boyfriend also, with whom I engage on an exclusive basis. Justin did make me some very nice cocktails though, no euphemism intended, so he is good for something.

          4. maldemal +14

            I have a lot of love for you, Justin and his onion. I don’t like when people comment what I am wearing (yes, v silly) and I will now start answering “It’s not a dress/hat/scarf, it is an onion”.

          5. Abanthis +8

            He believed that someone had placed an onion in his hair and yet was happy to let it remain? It’s a good thing he’s pretty.

  4. anon210 +134

    Perhaps he’s an investment banker, an “ABS brah,” trading lightly-regulated bonds while laying the groundwork for the next financial crisis.

    3. MilesofMountain +5

      He really loves his ABS bumper! (for his truck that has a Harley logo but is not the actual Harley Davidson truck)

      1. summerestherson +47

        Mallory and fellow Toastrons, that is not a Harley Davidson sign that is a Harley Davidson trailer hitch cover. Presumably Mr. Abs Brah hitches his Harley to his Tacoma for long distance journeys to Sturgis or Daytona Beach.

    5. Toft +32

      Or perhaps he is an acrylonitrile butadiene styrene brah, who is very particular about the kind of plastic products he uses.

  5. mabissam +203

    The migratory Abs Brah (abdominus brosephicus) has a range that extends from the shores of Long Beach, CA up north to the border of Ashland, OR and south-easterly to Miami, FL. Song-Identification: “Brah, what?” and “nah, nah, nah” alarm calls; “Aw, yeeeaah!” mating call; “I can bench that, no prob,” territorial song.

    2. GreenGrasses +86

      If you hold still at twilight, you may hear their song of greeting coming from any neighborhood sports bar – sup, brah? sup, brah?.

      1. mabissam +19

        There’s also the biceps boys, curlinators maximus and my personal favorite, gymnasium clamoritum for the grunters at the gym.

        And I didn’t even study Latin in school, dudes!

    6. twobluebikes +6

      Except when they travel to New Jersey and go surfing, then apparently they are Abs Breh, or so the internet tells me. I have not experienced this phenomenon being of the west coast persuasion.

  7. tubatoothpaste +50

    Yeah, the NERVE of people trying to enjoy natural beauty if they don’t have the physical ability to spend hours walking. What a brave truth-teller, that potential abs brah.

  8. jhsaxena +192

    Look his name is Absbraham Brahston and he doesn’t appreciate your insulting his heritage like this.

  9. Sarita +66

    I spend an inordinate amount of my time imagining the inner lives of people with awful personalized license plates. What kind of relationship does Jeep-driver HENTAI have with his mom? Can BMW SUV GYM-MOM really be happy with her life?

    1. aravisthequeen +119

      Sometimes I think I’d like to be their friend, though! Once in Minnesota I saw the plate “AW GEEZ” and I loved it.

      1. Sarita +50

        I just saw a Jeep with a crocheted tire…cozy? It was just lovely. I want to be friends with a person who crochets for their Jeep.

        1. rkfire +37

          Wow. The other scenario is where a loved one of the Jeep owner gives them a tire cozy, and the person just looks at it, shrugs, and puts it on because they just love that other person so much!

          …

          I may have knitted a PSP cozy once.

        3. Catandrist +3

          I JUST saw one of these today (for the first time)! It was cute and hippie-ish, but I bet it would get so grimy and misshapen after a rough winter.

    2. Absotively +81

      In contrast, I have a guess at what kind of relationship the people in the “S AND M” minivan have with each other.

      Well, two guesses. My other guess is that it’s the kind where they put their initials on their license plate and also are really, really sheltered.

      3. evieskye +60

        I had a super naive college roommate named Sara who was dating a guy named Mark so she cheerfully wrote “S&M!” on her calendar whenever they scheduled a date. And I laughed and laughed. She wanted to know why it was so funny and our other roommate had to stop her from googling it.

    3. rkfire +33

      In MD, we have two kinds of specialty license plate designs you can purchase in addition to the personalized ones: the Bay plate and the MD Agriculture plate. I’ve seen “IH8FARMS” on the latter and it’s really made me wonder about the owner of that car, particularly since the fee to purchase those plates go to a public trust that helps the Chesapeake Bay or MD Ag.

      HMMM

    5. winterbymorning +28

      I don’t need to stretch my imagination too far to relate to the red Camry FKN LZY parked in front of my apartment building…

    6. Es_Petal +52

      I followed 5UET home the other day and spent the entire drive wondering why they were so dedicated to the cause of suet, and then realised about three hours later that it was probably Sue T.

      1. moxycrimefighter +14

        The best license plate deciphering I ever did was of “TTNMFC” – I was behind it for like 5 minutes before I figured out it was “Tottenham Football Club.” (Don’t tell me if that’s not it, I’m really proud of that.)

        1. Aine +23

          there’s a jeep belonging to someone who goes to the shore every year that reads PP CAKE. My cousins and I have found this utterly baffling for many years now.

          2. steampunk sparrow +8

            loooooooool PP CAKE (perhaps they are in the public urinal sanitation business???)

            Tangentially related: my brother’s friend long ago gave him the nickname PP (for Pocket Protector, as he was in IT at the time) Stubs (as he lopped off the top of one finger in a feats-of-strength dare while drunk), but once children came along and the kids started to call him Uncle PP, they all agreed that it was probably time to retire the nickname.

      2. ann1011 +5

        I would have had this exact thought progression.

        (It turns out the cause of suet is a really involved one, though? If you live in the USA, anyway. I was making a traditional figgy pudding last year for Christmas and I really needed proper suet so I had to call all the butchers in town and I finally found a place down by the river that kept suet on hand and when I came in the guy just handed me a bag of …. suet… and then refused to charge me for it because nobody else ever wants it, apparently. So I bought a pound of sausages out of gratitude, and hunger. And the pudding was amazing, but this means I have to do a suet run next year.)

      3. Pope Lizbet +3

        My old mentor, a Black woman, has AFRO JD.
        I think for all the times judges have assumed she was the criminal defendant and not the defense lawyer she has earned it.

    7. Misst_123 +49

      There’s a philosophy prof at the university in my town, whose car has a vanity plate SARTRE. Every time I see it when I’m driving, I have a hard time resisting the urge to ram it and speed away shouting, “L’enfer, c’est les autres!”

      That’s his sports car; his SUV plates make reference to Neitzsche, I guess because of its massive will to power.

        1. Misst_123 +13

          Right? No offense to any philosophy scholars here, whom I’m sure are lovely, but he pretty much confirms my impressions of every male philosophy student I ever went out with in or just after college.

    8. blushingflower +12

      I saw one yesterday with the plate “MARRY ME” and I REALLLLLLLYYYY want to know the story.

    10. applefritters +9

      Saw a woman driving a Corvette with LILPEEN plates and the best thing I can imagine is that she did it to keep a man from driving her car.

  10. aravisthequeen +94

    I once saw a truck in Alberta with the plate “Y U MAD” and I think he was probably this dude’s cousin.

    1. slankettt +35

      I saw a car in Maryland with a “GOATSE” plate. Maybe their 47-year-old uncle who strongly identifies as a bachelor?

      2. steampunk sparrow +12

        I just saw LUVS 69S the other day and spent a lot of time contemplating what the search history might be like for someone whose job it is to approve vanity plates and how often they go “Oh… OH” throughout the course of a day.

    3. cuntessvonfingerbang +11

      I’m pretty sure I’ve seen that guy!

      This is probably not funny to anyone except me, because we Jeep people are weird, but I once saw a picture of a newer Jeep Wrangler with the license plate “JK LOL” which cracked me up because that particular model of Jeep is known as a “JK” so. Yeah. I’ll show myself out.

      *drives away slowly*

    4. WBlackstone +1

      Does anyone else picture the two of them hanging out and it pretty much being like the Country Mac episode of Always Sunny? I am pretty sure there are fake karate moves involved, anyway.

  11. SSVerity +41

    I saw a plate on a white Mercedes yesterday that said “FATFREE.” Color me surprised when I saw a dude in a muscle shirt get into it.

  12. EPWordsnatcher +68

    I saw a wild Abs Brah here in central Kentucky last weekend–he was running down the sidewalk, shirtless, with a double stroller full of small children and a happy dog beside him.

    ABS BRAH: Family Man.

    2. threatqualitypress +64

      Aw, well, see, that makes him sound great. Just a nice , happy guy with a happy family, he just happens to hate wearing shirts, that’s all.

      And honestly, at SOME LEVEL, don’t we all hate wearing shirts?

  13. silverandsnow +41

    Best licence plate sighting, on a minivan ‘USS KEVAN’. Just imagining the glorious geekiness of that family made me smile.

    1. PaigePoo +46

      Second best license plate sighting on a minivan ‘DMBLDOR’. Complete with a “Republicans for Voldemort” bumper sticker. Glorious

      1. bibliobotic +4

        I used to wear my Republicans for Voldemort shirt when voting at the Mega Church in the conservative suburb where I grew up. Made me feel better.

  14. miprisci +48

    Totally true license plate on an enormous jacked-up truck in my neighborhood: BEWBYS. Driven by a woman.

  15. eastcoastanne +31

    Is there where I can share the best vanity plates I have seen? Because Virginia has bost “MY VAJAYJ” and “MY UTRUS” on the road

    1. ThatOtherWench +7

      I still can’t believe they forced it off the roads. Yet another reason to feel superior to Virginia, I guess.

  17. PaigePoo +46

    What really makes vanity plates great is that they have to be in capital letters, so it’s like the driver is yelling at you. Not just a casual, well meaning “abs brah” but an aggressive and steroid-y “ABS BRAH”

    1. lawrenceevalyn +18

      I feel the all-caps accurately reflect the effort it takes to get a vanity plate. To use heapy’s wonderful example, lots of people love pancakes. But by the time you’re waiting in line at the DMV to pay an extra fee to drive a pancakes car, your message truly deserves the full emphasis of ‘PANCAKS’.

  18. CleverManka +12

    God damn it, and here I already have a personalized license plate. WELP GUESS I’LL JUST HAVE TO BUY ANOTHER CAR.

  19. deleted5647547 +52

    Do you guys remember the movie “Jeepers Creepers” about the monster in the beat up truck who ate people chasing the Mac guy and his sister through some bucolic countryside? He had a license plate on his evil scary truck that said BEATINGU (which Mac guy and sibling originally took to meant BEATING U but actually meant B EATING U cause he ate people). As I watched that movie, I found myself imagining the no doubt bizarre and fascinating process that this blue winged mutant monster man went through with the DMV to register his vanity plate. Like, he had to write that on the paperwork to get that license plate, you know? He had to go to the registration office or mail it to them and wait for the plate to come back. He had to sit around and think “truly, what kind of message do I want my license to tell the world about me?” and what he came up with was BEATINGU which for him was pretty valid.

    I’m having a similar moment right now, minus the eating people and murder and kidnapping and wings. Like, I want to know the thought process behind deciding that this is what you want who sees your car to know about you.

    1. aravisthequeen +7

      Thank you for this excellent comment. Also, Jeepers Creepers was the first horror movie I ever saw at age 11 and it scarred me for life.

      1. deleted5647547 +8

        I guess I should have put in a spoiler alert but COME ON, anything that looks like that is probably going to be eating people!

        Protip: don’t watch this movie and then take a long drive with your sibling through rural South Carolina because A. it’s FULL of trucks just like the one in the movie and B. BUCOLIC COUNTRYSIDE AAAAAH.

  20. bird_internet +37

    Dumb vanity plates are little points of light in my life, seriously. Last week I saw one that said BEEFY and about died.

    1. moxycrimefighter +8

      I have a terribly dangerous habit of trying to take pictures of all the good vanity plates I see, even if that means some ill-advised traffic maneuvers. My favorite so far has been “LADYJUS.”

  22. Es_Petal +13

    See, up until now I was thrilled and excited that I saw bears in Yosemite, and now i just wish I’d seen the Abs Brah or Bigfoot.

  23. heapy +69

    My favorite vanity plate sighting was PANCAKS. My sister and I theorized that this guy really, really loved pancakes, so much so that he wouldn’t put just a singular PANCAKE on his license plate. We have been calling pancakes “pancaks” in his honor ever since.

  24. BebeGunz +20

    There was a real slick pimpmobile (I believe it was an older model Chrysler 300) that used to park in front of my apartment building, and the license plate said “Froggy D.” I never met Froggy D in the flesh, but god did I want to. WHO ARE YOU FROGGY D?

  27. tubatoothpaste +5

    To my great shame I can’t remember it now, but on a road trip I saw a car with a combination of vanity plate and bumper stickers that made me REALLY want to know everything about that person’s life. I wanted to pull up beside them with a sign in my window that said “pull over and tell me all about yourself”

  30. turtle +10

    The best one I’ve ever seen was HET MECT, on a van that was empty except for the driver. It takes advantage of the fact that the Latin and Cyrillic alphabets have some of the same letters, albeit with different sounds; in Russian it says “net mest” which means “no room” or “no spaces/seats.”

    I don’t know how many Russian-speaking hitchhikers there are in the continental US but at least they know not to bother this guy.

  33. Ninajulia

    Personal best sighting: SO DRUNK. On a slightly beat-up small pickup in a suburb in San Diego County, CA.

  36. Megan

    The owner of this truck… his name is Josh. He lives in SoCal, he has removed the plate, due to the publicity. He has seen this post yet, he has not commented. He does in fact have abs… and they do show. You can find him climbing at Mt. Woodson