If you think Jennifer Whalen should be in jail for helping her daughter get an abortion, there is something deeply wrong with you:
The grim answer was yes for Jennifer Whalen because of a series of choices made by officials who had the discretion to respond differently. Hospital authorities decided that they were mandated to report Whalen, according to the district attorney, because they made a judgment call that what she did was “suspected or actual child abuse.” Warren, the district attorney, could have declined to press charges. And Norton, the judge, could have refrained from sending Whalen to jail.
When I asked Jennifer Whalen whether the case has been especially hard on her older daughter, she didn’t want to talk about it. “She’s going to college and working two jobs,” she said with a bit of pride. It was clear that Whalen is still trying to shield her child. She just wants her to go on and live her life.
*
immediate linking to fleetwood mac-related articles:
There’s a caricature of Mick Fleetwood as the comedy relief in Fleetwood Mac, as a towering dandy in gold chains, wooden balls click-clacking, and foppish scarves. But it’s an affectionate caricature for the women in Fleetwood Mac. Stevie Nicks remembers when she met him in the mid-1970s, and he was like no one she’d ever seen. “He was 6-foot-5, 125 pounds, in these perfect jeans with the jacket, the vest, and the really yellow gold fob watch. I thought he was the greatest thing.”
Matt Lubchansky has a new home! We like him a whole lot.
This Meghan Daum piece is just…oh, my God, go read it. I am awash in feelings. I cried. It’s really great. It’s hard.
This piece by Kate Harding is also fabulous and did not make me cry at all, so!
If you can go see Tig Notaro, WHY WOULDN’T YOU?
Book titles: answered.
Buzzfeed broke down the season ten finale of Grey’s Anatomy in such detail that I was able to get completely up to speed despite having given up after the plane crash a few seasons back. Meredith is still the world’s least-gifted wife.
but nicole you link to so many pieces about the kim kardashian game BUT JAYA WROTE THIS ONE and it’s also about carl jung and introversion and such:
I got curious about how people manage their lightning bolts, so I asked some friends. Megan Patterson, a self-described introvert, operates along textbook introvert lines: drained by large social gatherings, uncomfortable with long-term houseguests, feeling like “the battery that charges the room.” Despite this, she admits “there is a point where if I go too long without seeing people I do get depressed. I just have to recognize what my limits are, know how much is too much.” Most self-identified introverts agree there’s a misconception—that it’s not about being antisocial, but just understanding how quickly you reach your limits. Sara Lowe described a good social interaction like being drunk: “I enjoy it, I want it to keep going, and I know that eventually I will hit a wall and the hangover will be a monster.” Kelley Gardiner describes people as cookies: “I love cookies. I eat plenty of them. But most of what I eat is salad and oatmeal, or else I’d feel terrible.” And as with alcohol or sugar, everyone’s limit is different. Introverts are just the social lightweights.
John Leavitt sent me some Lord Byron fanfic:
6:30 pm
At dinner Byron asked me how many of the assembled guests I thought he had been intimate with. Gentleman that I am, I refused to answer. Byron continued to goad me through the soup (salty) and venison (dry). He also snuck scraps to his dog just below the table, despite my objections to this highly unsanitary practice.
10:00 pm
“It was a trick question,” Byron said at supper. “I haven’t fucked any of them yet. Ask me again tomorrow.”
Christ that Kate Harding piece is phenomenal. It made me feel all full inside, articulated lots of things I haven’t been able to articulate, is generally awesome, A+ will read again many times.
Yes. YES. 100% agreed. I just want to wrap my arms around it and stay close.
I love her point about having hated being a child and not wanting to go back to it or put another person through it. I had a perfectly sufficient childhood but it’s something I have no desire to return to. I made it to adulthood and damn it, I just want to crack a beer, look around MY apartment, and think to myself “this is totally awesome.”
I’m on a nearly identical path, down to the details. Have been debating ligation or partial, but have been scared of the idea of such a permanent choice about such a big thing. But yeah, I have more than enough love in my life, and am quite content as things are.
Exceptional important and well-articulated read. This just made my day, in a strange way.
Mine too. I think that the since the decision to not have kids is still one made by a minority of people, it can be so comforting to read about other people making the same or similar choices as you.
Man, this has been weighing on me. Ironically, if the hand I was dealt was slightly different and having a kid in my early or mid-twenties had been a real possibility, I think the decision would have been…less fraught? I knew less, then, and had less to be afraid of. I fucking miss that combination of arrogance and ignorance, man. I don’t know if it would have made me a significantly better or worse mother, but I know it would have made the decision easier.
(Speaking, obviously, for just myself; I was a spectacular bonehead. I am sure I will say the same about my current self in like 10 years.)
I completely feel that—I definitely would have had a kid if I’d gotten pregnant between, like, 25 and 31. But the older I got, the less it seemed like something I was obviously cut out for.
Thank you all so much for the kind words!
^^This is the best part of The Toast: Nicole and Mallory share excellent, beautiful things with us, and then we talk about and fawn over them, and then sometimes the people who made those excellent, beautiful things show up and chat with us about them. BEST.
MICK FLEETWOOD APPRECIATION LIFE.
Also, Jaya, that article is so so good. I definitely consider myself more on the “extroversion” side but that one quote about the anhedonia oh god that perfectly describes me in a way I have not been able to put into words before.
Mmm, yes. Speaking as someone else who leans extrovert, that quote hit home.
In my personal fan fic Lord Byron and I are best friends and conspirators that kind-of hooked up once (I mean does it even count in Spain)? But moved on quickly and without awkwardness.
I would read the Hell out of this fanfic.
1. I’m incredibly excited to see Tig Notaro 2. Her show is being hosted by the Women’s Club of Minneapolis.
*plants a tiny flag for Peter Green’s Fleetwood Mac*
(I really just wish there was more of an obvious name divide)
Oh, I got the evil librarian ad today!
Me too! I took a screenshot I was so excited.
“He’s young. He’s hot. He’s also evil. He’s…the librarian.
#evillibrarian”
Would very much like this evil librarian and Giles to get together in some way.
I took a screenshot too! Now I’m getting ads for “Love Me Back” which I also want to read, hah!
Next Toast book club??
Reading the free excerpt instead of doing work:
“Maybe it’s not even his master plan; maybe it’s, like, the American Library Association’s master plan, and they are stocking high schools across the country with hot young librarians as part of a massive literacy initiative.”
DID any of you watch that documentary about Feetwood Mac recently-the one that had some jerkoff NME journalist who kept describing Stevie Nicks as ‘a perfect, archetypal california hippy girl’ and smirking about her love of scarves. What a dick he was.
I will never understand why jerkoff musical journalists think it’s A-OK to scoff at Stevie’s scarves and mysticism but would never EVER give Robert Plant and Jimmie Page a smidgen of side-eye for their enormous piles of elf magic D&D nonsense.
Oh, wait, I do. Because Men.
I’m gonna see Tig Notaro and Maria Bamford in the same calendar week! My heart might just explode.
Does anyone else feel like a major takeaway from Megan Daum’s essay is, “It’s probably better never to be kind to anyone, especially someone who’s in horrific institutional pain, because making a situation feel less worse without actually improving it is cruel, and it’s not possible that anyone could ever improve it”?
I’m not faulting her for viewing the world that way — it’s certainly viewable that way, although I don’t view it that way — but I can’t quite tell if that’s what, in fact, is happening here.
I don’t think that is the takeaway of the essay. I think the essay very deftly showed that the risk inherent in any sort of do-gooding is that you will simply sustain a system which is in need of more radical or transformative change. In the case of the foster care system, her advocacy work likely helped “Matthew” a great deal , but it also allowed for the continuation of a system which is designed to negate his ability to become a fully-developed member of society. The system depends on the vagaries of state funding and the fickle emotions of helpers and the changing timelines of women like Daum, who most likely would have either quit or cut back her advocacy work had her own pregnancy not ended.
I don’t believe that the essay makes an argument for the abnegation of service or social work, but rather for the clear-eyed, sometimes-unrewarding, often-futile nature of it. I think it says that to help someone will be thankless, expensive, emotionally-draining work, and to do it still, in the face of that, is defiantly good.
What I took an issue with though is the juxtaposition of her own indecisive feelings around having children and her child-related advocacy work. I found it somewhat exploitative of the stories of the children she interacted with, that they were used as means to clarify or rationalize her own reproductive decisions
.
Yes, thank you. Your last paragraph sums up my discomfort with that piece well.
Yes, I see that and I think you put it well, although I remain in difficulties (which affect my actions, it’s not just something I’m batting around here) about the relationship between helping an individual human (or few humans) survive a destructive system and sustaining that system.
I know that people do the former rather than coming up with working alternatives and dismantling existing, shitty structures because it feels easier, closer, and more possible just in terms of scale, so another thing I think about quite a lot is how / whether it’s possible to scale structural change down and at what point you’re just talking about easing the weight rather than removing it.
I’ve never played the Kim Kardashian game, but I love Jaya’s piece, especially the paragraph highlighted here. Those are some of the best descriptions for how I feel. I love the cookies analogy in particular. It’s a really hard thing to put into words to help others understand.
you should play it, it is fun
I AM GOING TO SEE FLEETWOOD MAC IN TWO WEEKS! CHRISTINE MCVIE WILL BE THERE! I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EXCITED! (What should I wear???)
ACK I WANTED TO GO SO BAD BUT ALL THE CHEAP SEATS WERE SOLD OUT BEFORE I COULD EVEN TRY
One of my friends somehow got on and was able to buy seats and, bless him, he had the foresight to buy as many tix as he was allowed so all his friends could go, too! A definite “Excellency in Friendship” moment. (I think he has one cheap ticket left if you are interested in buying it?)
SO JEALOUS OMG
(obviously lots of scarves, channel your inner Stevie, you can never go wrong)
I mean, this is the place to do my best gothy, witchy thing, right?? I’m thinking my ankle-length black lace dress, a fitted black blazer, boots and all the scarves! ALL OF THEM.
Yes, absolutely. The last time I went to see Fleetwood Mac I had hot pink hair and that ruled.
Jaya’s piece was so good. Although I do wish some of the newfound understanding of introversion that’s swirling around the internet would seep into my circle of friends. I find myself being put on the defensive a lot when I don’t want to hang. For some reason, I don’t seem to be allowed to decline events without an interrogation.
Case in point – a recent group camping trip on an island. There’s just no way I will do that. Being on an island by myself? Bliss. On an island with 8 other people and one boat I can’t drive? Clawing my own eyes out. I tried just saying, “no thanks”, but for some reason that wasn’t good enough. More than one person kept pestering me for whhhhhhyyyyyyyyyy I didn’t want to go. (Don’t you like camping? Are you doing something else? What if we changed the date?) I know some people took it personally that I didn’t go.
If anyone has any tips on declining events in a way that prevents the Spanish Inquisition, please share.
I have dealt with the Spanish Inquisition a lot in the past, and I found that kind of snapping about it worked (good god I sound like a monster, let’s clarify). I didn’t really snap so much as give people the harsh truth: “being on an island with no way to isolate myself to re-energize means that by the end of this trip I will be a terrible human being who hates everyone, and will lash out at all of you. Don’t make me lash out! I don’t want to hate anyone!” Alternatively, I just say, “Look, I don’t have the energy to be around everyone for that long.” It’s the truth, but it highlights how draining social interactions can be rather than sounding like an excuse.
It’s very hard to deal with a group of extroverts sometimes. That battery charging analogy in the highlighted paragraph was a really good one, too, and I think it would be helpful in diffusing an Event Decline Questioning.
I did eventually say something along those lines. Maybe I should lead with that next time – the more I say it, the less weird it will seem, right? Part of it is that I’m uncomfortable admitting that I can’t stand to be around people for too long, but I guess I just need to own it.
That’s what I had to do. And the more I said it, the less awful it sounded, even to my friends. They slowly figured out that was just me, and when I recognized my limits, I spoke up about them. Like Angry Panda said, too, it’s also about not giving in unless you think you can handle it. Ugh. Why is it so hard to stand up for ourselves and our needs??
We should start a movement. Bartelby the Scrivener can be our mascot. Say it loud, say it proud: I PREFER NOT TO.
melville house books has totebags to this effect.
OH GOD THEY DO IT IS DELIGHTFUL: http://www.mhpbooks.com/merchandise/bag/
The list of things you can fit in the bag is just the best.
If you say it a lot, people who are not jerkwads will get used to it. My suuuuuuper introverted friend preemptively begged off of being in my wedding with a variant of that line, and I got it, and all was cool. I did not take it personally or give her a hard time or demand an explanation. We plan together things, sometimes, and her need for solitude or quiet time is as relevant a factor as work schedules or other obligations, and it’s really no big deal at all.
I agree; I think “owning it” is basically your best option here, at least in the long run. I have had somewhat similar experiences: I have posted before that I am NOT an outdoors person, and for years a lot of my friends did an annual summer camping trip that they would always try to pressure me to attend. After two or three years of excuses I just starting saying “LOL No guys, I will never willingly sleep on the ground. I like running water and full, semi-private washrooms. But I love you guys so much, have fuuuuuun!” and then enthusiastically asked them questions and listened to their stories afterwards so they knew I wasn’t rejecting them.
It was awkward the first time (mostly because I had to confront my own feelings about being “prissy” or not “a cool girl” or whatever) but since then everyone sort of approached it with a shrug and an “oh, you!” kind of attitude. Oh, me! That’s just how I am! And that’s just fine.
If no one listens to reasonable statement, I say “It’s because I fucking hate you.” and then wait three seconds. Then I smile and say “No, no, it’s because I’m very introverted, and that sounds like it will leave me unable to function! Hahaha.”
I am a difficult friend.
I responded to endless invitations to go to the seaside, uniformly, with “no, I fucking hate the beach” and while that got me a bunch of “WHAT? HOW????” it did stop them trying to make me go.
I don’t have any useful tips, but you can learn from my mistakes. I tend to give in if someone bugs me long enough (my excuses become super convoluted and less believable, because saying you don’t like spending time with people 24×7 is not acceptable?), so the lesson some of my friends have learnt is to keep pushing me until I agree? Don’t give in!
Haha I am totally a victim of this peer pressure also! People know if they keep asking and cajoling I’ll probably say yes and now I regret ever giving into that dynamic and when I am committed to saying no I have to say it 5000 times instead of just once.
Ugh, that sucks! I’ve normally gotten out of stuff like that by saying “You know, it’s just not my thing,” but it’s really frustrating that people you consider friends don’t understand that. I think that’s what surprises me a lot, especially after writing that essay. It seems like everyone knows what getting socially exhausted feels like, and can be sympathetic! This is not an alien emotion!
Sounds tough. Friends should allow you to decline without too much hassle, although it may be the case that they were sad you couldn’t go – – from the questions you list, it sounds like the one person was trying to accommodate you but didn’t know how to do so correctly. I think it’s ok to be politely direct with someone; if they are your friend, they should be happy to support you and your feelings, right? Something along the lines of “I appreciate the invitation but i do not enjoy lengthy large-group excursions. I did not have a good time the last time I did so.Thanks for asking and I’m sure you’ll have a great time!” If it’s someone who is truly a friend you could always follow up with an invitation to have some one-on-one time upon conclusion of the trip where they can get the chance to share some stories about How Camping Was and where you can impress them with your stellar ability to be the most fun small-group hanger-outer around.
A further note about social exhaustion: It’s not just for introverts! I am probably the most socially oriented person on the planet, but I also work an extremely socially demanding job, and therefore need ample time to recharge alone too. I also, while enjoying daily socializing, greatly prefer one-on-one time to navigating large group situations and trying to manage the tiring process a horde of people steering itself through an experience. My tip for my introvert friends is to be just as honest as you need to be about your need for space, for alone time, or for non-group social settings. I promise that your less inner-oriented friends will appreciate the insight into what you need! It’s possible that they’ve sensed your discomfort in the past but they can’t place its origin; and they will probably in turn understand better than you think. 🙂 I also think that age/experience irons out some of these differences; if your friends are still all in a Young College Fun Meet Everybody In The World place in their life, they may not yet have learned to appreciate solitary pleasures. Friends who are parents, say, on the other hand, probably need no further explanation.
My first advice would be not to make excuses, but it sounds like you didn’t. “No, thanks, but I hope you guys have a great time!” should be accepted at face value. And then, when they pester you, be honest. “I really love you guys, and I’m flattered that you invited me, but I would be really miserable by the end of the trip and I don’t think any of us wants that. I hope you guys have a great time, and maybe we can do brunch after you get back!” Really extroverted (or just lonely) people have a hard time sometimes understanding why anyone would actively seek solitude or decline an invitation to hang out if they didn’t have to, and so they can often assume that the decline is about the inviter, and not the invitee.
But also, honestly, your friends need to learn that “No” is a complete sentence.
I think the worst thing that Gen Xers and millennials learned from TV is that it’s normal and expected to have an official friend group with whom you do everything when you’re an adult. Like, oh, it’s the episode where we all go camping! I had to refuse a bunch of group invites to remote locations, with the same “What if we changed the date?” questions before friends stopped insisting. Then people return with their tales of woe, and I feel vindicated.
I have been giving versions of “not my kind of fun” for long enough and being open about my introversion enough that I can now just say “sorry, I’ll be in my cave”. In fact “in my cave” is now generally understood by my friends as shorthand for “need time alone” and accepted without much complaint. My friends are literally the best people in the world though, so YMMV.
Jaya, your essay was so good.
I grew up in a family of extroverts. My husband and daughter are extroverts. But my son is not and he and I joke that we are like Virginia Woolf and her sister at the party (two deaf-mutes at a funeral). It’s clear that we must buy more lightning bolts. Nothing wrong with us, just out of lightning.
v excited by the Grey’s Anatomy link! I have watched all of the seasons, some of them multiple (multiple) times, thanks to endless marathons that Lifetime used to show. The show itself is maudlin and bordering on terrible, but I love it anyway and wouldn’t miss it.
Here are some quick thoughts:
Meredith: Was such a pill during the last season (but I wanna use the 3D printer!). Glad she didn’t move to DC, but she seriously needs to find her own way.
Derek: Ugh
Calzona: Love that they’re a couple, glad Arizona has gotten over her shit, not sure another baby plotline is really that appealing
The Chief: I don’t remember why he didn’t propose to Catherine, but I liked them together. This Secret Daughter plotline is typical Greys surreality but I also adore it. I hope the revelation that he’s her father doesn’t take all season. Also, did Mere not realize her mom got pregnant while she was a kid? That Secret Daughter looks at least 5 years younger than she is. Edit: I just read her bio and as the new head of cardio, I guess she is older than Meredith? Timeline is a little fuzzy.
Alex: I don’t care. I’m glad he’s still on the show, but I am sort of over all his “but I was poor” strife. Same goes for his girlfriend.
Bailey: I’ve always liked her, but I have doubts that Battle for the Board is a compelling plotline. Like, why? and who cares?
Owen: I don’t care.
Kepner: Worst.
Avery: Excellent actor who is in terrible plotlines.
New class: Indifference abounds! Edwards is the best, by far.
“Derek: ugh” is about all I can muster these days. STOP BEING SO DAMN TERRIBLE, DEREK, GOD.
That’s been my feeling since S1. I genuinly enjoy the show a ton, but I think there hasn’t been an episode since Addison showed up in S1 where Derek hasn’t elicited an exasperated groan from me at some point. He is just the worst.
I’ve hated Derek since he kept sexually harassing Meredith because a one night stand suddenly means you get to make her professional life weird and awkward (WHILE YOU ARE STILL MARRIED, JACK)
I almost never comment but I am just so happy to discover that I am 1) not the only Toast reader to still be watching this ridiculous show and 2) not alone in my suspicions about the absurdity of the timeline for the secret sister (aka Lexie 2.0, as I’m calling her). I am keeping all of my fingers crossed that this is the last season, to be honest, because I love it and I’m committed at this point but there’s only so much more I can take.
Please let this be the end of this poor show, I’ve stuck with it but damn. (If I was going to jump off the train, I would’ve jumped off at the ghost sex, BUT I DID NOT.)
oh no, the ghost sex. I think I’d blocked that out. Poor Denny didn’t get a peaceful afterlife, huh? They just kept bringing him back.
yeah, this either needs to be the end or they need to get a new crop of writers in because they are literally just reusing storylines now. New baby! Secret sister for Meredith! Alex is indecisive! Meredith and Derek are at odds, but truly love each other!
Also this last season finale was the most tame and/or boring of all of them. What, Christina MIGHT be in an explosion at the mall? (Except we know she isn’t?) Okay. cool.
It was incredibly boring and there were no real gaspworthy cliffhangers (except for Secret Sister, I guess, but I didn’t gasp so much as roll my eyes extravagantly), but I’m still not over that final “dance it out” moment for Cristina and Mere. It’s 5 months later and my best friend and I are still looking at each other meaningfully and saying “He is not the sun. YOU ARE.” on a regular basis….
I am v v VVVVV glad to see that I am not the only one who still watches the Beautiful Doctors.
Could do without Lexie 2.0. Will really, really miss Cristina (what’s the point of Owen, now, exactly? other than making me want to re-watch Rome?). Alex and Jo are cute and she’s giddy and kind of bad-ass but also whiny, which, okay, she’s supposed to be about 27 and I was whiny but sort of a bad-ass then, too, but without the surgery parts, so I can forgive her that.
Chief didn’t propose because Catherine got honest with him and told him that none of the Sloan-Gary-Grace-Mercy doctors would ever win a Harper Avery award because of the Avery Foundation’s investment in the hospital, and therefore Cristina had actually won by votes but wouldn’t get an award.
I liked them together, too. 🙁
I have to share this: The other day, after the Link Roundup with the Daphne DuMaurier article, I went to the library after work. They had a cart with books for sale, and obviously it sucked me into its vortex and wouldn’t let me leave until I had examined each title thoroughly. What did I find? Flight of the Falcon for $1.50. I took it as a sign and bought it immediately. Toast signs! They’re real!
RIP DEBO MITFORD THE LOSS OF DEBO MITFORD WILL BE COVERED IN TOMORROW’S LINK ROUNDUP I RETURN NOW TO ACTIVE MOURNING
I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHO THE MITFORDS WERE UNTIL THE TOAST PIECE AND NOW I AM BEREFT.
I CAME HERE AS SOON AS I HEARD
Oh I really love idea of introversion vs. extroversion as people just needing different amounts of lightning bolts! I have also noticed that as these terms have become more commonly used, they have somehow become less useful.
I spent several days straight with a friend and tried to hint at the need for down/quiet/alone time by talking about how I was an introvert, and she immediately was like “Oh yeah, me too.” And I mean, obviously she does identify that way and who am I to say no etc., but she is someone who can socialize for 12 hours straight and then even chat intermittently while reading! But I think the terms have been over- and mis-applied to the extent that introvert has become a synonym for creative or bookish, and extrovert means needing no time to recharge at all. Really, speaking about different amounts of recharge times and higher or lower thresholds is a more practically useful way to approach it.
Oh, yeah, and then there’s the whole “24 weird things introverts do” lists. Which are generally composed of 20 things everyone does, thus further muddling the reality of what the terms are supposed to describe.
I recently found myself in a FB thread with multiple friends explaining how much they hated small talk (as introverts) and how much you could trick extroverts into doing the small talking by asking them about themselves. I had to spell out that “no one likes small talk, everyone likes talking about themselves, and attempting to overlay an “intro/extrovert” false dichotomy on it will get you nowhere except more dug into “us vs them” tribalism.”
So, yeah. I’ve been wincing in anticipation whenever I see the word “introvert” appear in a headline on the interwebs, and am working out how to articulate the “why” of it.
As I’ve gotten older I’ve moved around a lot on the introvert/extrovert scale. I think it suffices to say that there are way more than “two types of people in the world.” But that doesn’t make for very good Buzzfeed lists.
Yeah, it definitely gets very strange. But even the “things only extroverts understand” is weird to me. I consider myself an extrovert, but I don’t talk all the time, and I don’t like being the center of attention. I DO like talking to new people and I love being around people in general. Like, we’re not all obnoxious weirdos.
SOME OF US ARE THO
I aspire to be more like the obnoxious weirdos, tbh.
I dislike the “things only ‘x’ people understand” lists as a concept because they’re generally quite silly. They’re using “understand” as a shorthand for “experienced,” which is nonsensical. Like, I don’t understand what it is like for people to tell me to calm down/be quieter because I’m not an extrovert? That is both something I could understand without having experienced it, and something that pretty much everyone has experienced at least once, regardless of being an introvert or an extrovert.
LOL listen you’re not tricking extraverts, they’re just doing it because otherwise they have to stand around and endure awkward conversations and silences with people who use introversion as an excuse not to have social skills.*
*I have some quite introverted friends (as in, like a lot of alone time to recharge, etc) who have incredible social skills. It’s about preferences, not abilities, really. If you’re really extraverted, you might have more developed social skills because you get a charge from social contact and so have more practice and interest, but you also might be an obnoxious weirdo.
If you look at the Meyers-Briggs inventory (which is not scientific at all), Introversion and Extraversion are on a scale. I think a lot of people who talk about it act as though these two things are opposites of each other and a complete binary, instead of a spectrum (like most facets of human personality/identity). I score pretty much smack dab in the middle of the scale, depending on how certain questions are phrased and how annoyed I am when I take the test. Not every extravert is a social butterfly 24/7, not every introvert withers after an hour-long chat. But we are so used to framing it as a binary that we don’t acknowledge that it is a scale and two people can fit into one of those categories and not have the same needs/experiences.
People also confuse introversion and shyness quite a bit, which as a shy person I find particularly frustrating.
Yes! And the spectrum view makes so much more sense, as does applying that view to some kind of buffet-style approach to socialization with different needs! Much more helpful than a black and white classification. And yes, shyness =/= introversion, people!
It’s the same on the Big 5, which is scientifically valid, though – in my opinion – too general to tell you much of interest about a person. Extroversion there is really just a measure of engagement with the world/the desire to be engaged with the world, as well as energetic positive emotion (negative emotion is a separate construct). Most people are around average, not on the extremes.
In light of the Jennifer Whalen article, I may report that my tiny European country’s parliament is going to abolish the requirement for underage girls to get their parents’ permission to get an abortion as it is “unconstitutional, hinders the right of a woman under 18 to self-determination by making her too dependent on her parents/legal guardian and fringes on her right to privacy.”
Sometimes I just cannot fathom how invasive the American legislation can be in regards to someone else’s uterus.
Nor can we uterus-havers here in the land of the free.
When I was in high school (in Canada) one of my classmates told me that she was in favour of parental permission being required for underaged abortions because- and I quote, because this sentence has been burned into my brain for the past seven years- “I don’t want twelve-year-old sluts getting abortions without their parents knowing.”
I think about that a lot. It’s such a chilling insight into the way anti-choicers think view the world.
The phrase twelve-year-old-sluts is going to haunt me.
AS IT HAS HAUNTED ME.
(This girl’s main ambition in life was to move to Texas and later become the White House press secretary. I remain torn between “yes get her the fuck out of my country” and “but America doesn’t need any MORE of her!”)
She would fit right in, but I can’t see a Republican president appointing a Canadian press secretary.
I actually teared up *reading* the Grey’s recap. Such is the power of Grey’s Anatomy.
Wow, the Jennifer Whalen article makes me want to strangle someone. I’m glad someone pointed out that women are sometimes charged with crimes related to abortions and miscarriages; even if they weren’t, the threat is chilling. Did you all see the news stories a couple weeks back about a high school in Dallas swarmed with police and helicopters because possible fetal tissue was found in a bathroom? The follow-up was that it was a miscarriage and no charges were filed. I’m sure the poor girl really appreciated the local police looking out for her so assiduously.
I would assume the prosecutor and judge were either elected or appointed by someone who was elected! So I suppose we can thank our fellow citizens for this outcome. Yay democracy!
I think that they’ve already passed a law in Tennessee criminalizing certain activities while pregnant as a form of child abuse, so.
Ugh.
The Meghan Daum piece basically crystallizes the way I feel about children, and honestly, I can never really tell if that makes me a bad person.
My mom has other kids that will give her grandchildren, but what really stresses me out is that I will marry someone who says they’re ok with it, and then change their mind five years in. Because it would really kill me that I would then be in the position of actively denying someone I love the opportunity to be a parent. (Not to mention I would feel horribly and cruelly tricked, even though I would know rationally that it was just a changed mind.)
And then we’re at a point where my grandmother is in poor health and my dad is an only child, and if she didn’t have him, she would be dying alone. And I don’t want to die alone, but neither do I want to make my hypothetical child watch me die and then have to deal with the aftermath.
My feelings also tend to spiral out of control on the subject…
You’re not alone in feeling that way. I have similar misgivings and similar worries about disappointing a spouse (but my husband assures me that he feels the same way, and that if I ever decided I DID want to have kids, that would be catastrophic for him). On the subject, our own Anna Andersen wrote about this subject last April, in case you missed it: http://the-toast.net/2014/04/07/having-no-childre…
It made me sad, though, that Kate Harding’s article treated child-having as some sort of pinnacle of existence. The part about how it’s apparently the greatest joy a human can experience or whatever, I dunno, I just… don’t agree? Or don’t think that’s a good way to look at things? Or something? It unsettled me, basically. I think every single person feels true joy about different things, and I know that for a lot of people, it’s from their children. But I don’t think that the joy someone gets from her children is greater or better than the joy that another woman gets from her art or her pets or her partner. I guess I have an issue with the assertion that happiness can be “ranked” in that way.
I read it as more that it’s often treated as the greatest joy you can experience, which is what makes so many people so anxious. As someone who’s not sure about kids, one of the biggest concerns I have is “omg what if I miss out on this thing everyone says is so amazing.” But I think she wound up understanding that the relationships she has are fulfilling and make her happy, and that “having it all” is an abstract concept. Like, sure, having a kid might bring you the greatest joy, but it also might not, and no matter what choice you make you’re going to have to live with the thoughts of the alternate world in which you made the other choice.
Or maybe that’s just what I think and I’m projecting!
I read it as “the propaganda/collective wisdom is busy trying to churn out the message of ‘greatest joy’. I (the author) somewhat believe this message. If I even tentatively accept it as truth, can I still place certainty in choosing against this path? Can I confidently choose column B even if I allow this assertion to be in column A?”
I’m with you, I don’t necessarily accept that assertion to be absolute truth, certainly not for every human (woman). But I really appreciated her point of view, and I haven’t read many accounts from women choosing B without loudly objecting to the ‘greatest joy’ line before.
Yeah, that’s pretty much it! ThatOtherWench’s comment, below, also gets at it. It’s more like, “Even if they’re right that it’s the best thing ever, why do I need the best thing ever—especially when I feel like what I’ve already got is great?” I don’t honestly believe it’s the best thing ever for everyone, but even if I did, why couldn’t I choose to skip it? I already know I’d rather have a career I like that pays reasonably well than a career I hate that pays tons. I’d rather have a comfortable monogamous marriage than the excitement and passion (and uncertainty) of new relationships. I’d rather live in Chicago than New York, even though loads of my friends and colleagues are out east. I make decisions all the time about what’s right for me vs. what has the (theoretically) biggest payoff, you know? But it took a lot of years before I was ready to reframe the kid decision that way.
My favorite thing about Lord Byron is that he invented “but the rules don’t say anything about [insert animal here]!” thing later used in “Babe” and “The Chronicles of AirBud.” But, like, he actually did it. He had a beloved dog that he wanted to bring to college with him, but Trinity College Cambridge didn’t allow dogs. So he brought a bear instead. An actual goddamn bear. Because the rules did not explicitly forbid bears. And so the college had no choice but to let him keep the bear at school.
This is the first time I’ve ever seen a link between Byron and Air Bud, and it is pretty much my new favorite pop-culture connection.
His greatest work, however, was Ada Lovelace.
True! Okay, my actual favorite things about Lord Byron in order:
1) He fathered Ada Lovelace
2) He inspired the modern vampire story
3) He inspired AirBud
He was also, briefly, a member of the House of Lords and gave some pretty intense speeches trying to protect local labor against unregulated industrialization.
I always liked Byron. He had a lot of problems, and was an asshole about a lot of things, but I think ultimately he was a pretty okay guy.
According to Stephen Fry, when Byron snuck the bear to his university room, the authorities informed him that students weren’t allowed to keep domestic animals. He replied that the bear was in fact quite wild, and was allowed to keep it.
I hope that conversation really went like,
“Lord Byron, you can’t keep a domestic animal at the college!”
“Well, the bear is quite wild, but if you’d like to remove him, you’re welcome to try.”
I am seeing Tig Notaro tomorrow! Are any other Toasties going to her JFL show in Toronto?
Thanks for the Tig Notaro head’s up! I had no idea she was coming, and now I’m going to see her.
I started reading this batch of essays on Children’s Books and War curated by Ryerson University (courtesy of Kate Beaton who tweeted about it). I was instantly interested in the LMM-related ones, but gahhh, some of them are so poorly written.
In looking at a book published during the war that’s content has nothing to do with the war opens the path for where to look and what to follow to connect this book to children’s books and war.
what??
As the two fall deeper in love, the realization that Leslie is trapped within a loveless marriage hits them both and Owen leaves her.
literally everybody was aware that Leslie was trapped in a loveless marriage and Owen doesn’t so much leave her as leave PEI because he had only been intending to stay there for the summer and they hadn’t discussed their feelings for each other and she couldn’t exactly abandon her home and her brain-damaged husband to go run off with a dude she’d known for 3 months??
Ryerson, could you seriously not find any better essays to showcase on your website like this.
I worked on a similar but related topic for my Master’s thesis so it’s fascinating, but…..ugh. Ugh. It is REALLY distressing to see things like that and makes me seriously doubt the quality of the other essays and content. Like….that first sentence doesn’t even make SENSE? How did these not get proofed by anyone? I wouldn’t let one of my first-year students use a sentence like that first one because it MAKES NO DAMN SENSE.
And secondly….come on.
There’s also an essay on Little Women and femininity during the Civil War that sounded like it would be FASCINATING but the bulk of it is actually a physical description of the copy of LW that they have in the Ryerson library, with the occasional stock phrase like “Girls were expected to be feminine” and “Charity was considered an important virtue” sprinkled in.
This online exhibit could have been so good, but instead it’s SUCH CRAP.
Oh geez. Okay, I LOVE the topic. I love the idea. Endlessly fascinating to me. But….PLEASE can you at least proofread and copyedit these things? It’s so distressing I want to email whoever was in charge of this project to let them know.
“This exhibition, prepared by third-year students in Advanced English Research methods…”
Searching the Ryerson calendar reveals that “Advanced English Research Methods” is a course that is only available to BA English students. So I guess higher education continues to be broken.
THIRD-YEAR STUDENTS????
I mean, maybe if it was one of those English courses that ends up full of engineering students, then sure. But these aren’t just third-year students, they’re third-year English majors.
Edit: I should clarify that I do not mean that all engineering students are bad at writing essays, only that, based on my experience getting an engineering degree, I have the impression that a larger percentage of engineering students than of English students have difficulty with essay-writing.
So, I take it you spend time with engineers?
PRECISION IS EVERYTHING. PRECISION AND ACCURACY.
LINK ADDENDA: Amtrak residents chosen! http://blog.amtrak.com/2014/09/writers-selected-a…
Sometimes I look at people, who have a lot of power or a lot of money or basically some kind of privileged life — who then go through something terrible, and I think about how I would have responded in the same situation. I grew up fairly poor, in a small town, in an abusive family: and I don’t always handle things with the same dignity and composure that the wealthy/privileged/powerful seem to do. Seem to do.
For instance, when I see the film of John Kennedy being assassinated, and I see Jackie climbing out of the back seat onto the trunk of the car, I think, “I would do that.” And that brings up musings on what I would have done in the days and months afterward if I had been Jackie Kennedy in that situation. Not what she did publicly, but what she did privately. What her mental state would have been. How she slept at night. Whether she would have turned to alcohol or drugs. Whether she felt suicidal. Whether she would relive the moments of the assassination and obsess over the details.
I mean, because, in the midst of bad things happening, you are, on the one hand, dealing with new & unfamiliar emotions in a slow-motion, car-crash, focused and intense way, while on the other hand, you are trying to find and sustain your moral compass, your strength and your innate wisdom in order to get through everything. You are trying to be in control. You try to maintain perspective. You try to give yourself permission to have lapses in dignity, to express your humanity and frailty and later, to forgive yourself for these perceived “shortcomings.”
This is the you that is poor and not privileged and not powerful and nothing you go through really is as bad as, for instance, having your husband, the president of the United States of America, being shot to death as he is sitting beside you, with his blood and brains landing on your clothes … and then, you have to be the dignified widow and a source of strength for the nation as well as … being a mother and being a person who has to deal with this horrible event. You know?
So when I read this article in Vanity Fair, I thought, because I’ve been thinking about it through the years, this is familiar. This is sort of how I thought I’d be affected and what I would do in private moments, if I’d been in this situation and knowing myself the way I know myself. This is what my imagination and my empathy about and for Jackie came up with … I mean, I relate to this article in a visceral way and this is what now makes Jackie absolutely human and relate-able to me.
http://www.vanityfair.com/society/2014/10/jacquel…
And now, the assassination haunts me in new and different ways, because it is all the more human and real.
I read that account too. I used to work at Doubleday when she was there. She was two offices down from my boss. I used to see her all the time – once I nearly knocked her down coming around a corner too fast.
She was nice enough, but yes, there was that perpetual shadow of grief over her. You got the feeling that she would never be innocently happy again – that if she had happy moments, they would be tinged with grief.
Then there was that time she advised her assistant to try to lose weight thusly: “Have your maid cut up carrots and celery for you to take into the office every morning.” The assistant was paid approximately $18000/year (this was 1987). Obviously no maid.
A little off topic but since we keep talking about TV shows: is anyone else watching Lost Girl on Netflix? I can’t be the only Toastie enjoying this show.
OMG I LOVE THAT SHOW – haven’t started the 4th season yet, I heard it gets a little wonky and I haven’t yet braced myself emotionally for that
I just started season 4, so I can tell you that if you start the first episode and it seems like you missed an episode/something happened in between that is by design and it will become clear by the end of the episode. Don’t go searching for the missing episode *cough*.
Tig Notaro in Vancouver! Be still my beating heart! Any West Coast Toasties planning on going and interested in meeting before the show?
!!!!
THAT’S ME IN THAT QUOTE!!!
I’m not sure where this belongs but it’s so good and I wanted to share it and it’s about Emma Watson’s UN speech and Black Girl Dangerous is excellent: http://www.blackgirldangerous.org/2014/09/im-real…
please return to your regular link round up fare now sorry to interrupt dear Toasties
This article about how they uncovered the earliest footage (1913) of a film featuring a Black cast is pretty fascinating. http://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/21/nyregion/coming…
San Francisco meetup change of venue: Two Sisters on Hayes St between Laguna and Octavia. I’m buying you first drink so find me anytime after 5 on Friday: auburn hair, purple shirt, apple-shaped, middle-aged.
I have a technique for you. It's kind of rude, but not letting you just say no without the Spanish Inquisition is very rude, so they started it.
Become a 30%-er. That's my friend's term for people who when you make plans with them, they only actually make it to about 30% of those plans. The rest of the time, they call or text at the last minute saying they can't make it.
So there you go. Say yes to all plans immediately (except maybe the ones that require a cash deposit up front). When the day comes to do the thing, decide if you want to go. If yes, go. If no, text with a flimsy excuse begging off, and then turn off your phone for a few hours.
You shouldn't have to explain whhhhyyyyyyy to your friends all the time. That is bullshit. This way, you don't have to.
I'm an introvert but when I'm nervous I just open my big mouth and BLAH BLAH BLAH with the best of them. Mostly about myself! Which is of course the only topic I can seem to come up with in a panic.
Raise your hand if you're super fun at parties. :/
You don’t have a permanent Toast account, it looks like, so your comments have to be approved manually and we are not on the site looking at pending comments at all times during the day. If you post from a guest account after business hours, especially, comments probably will not be approved until the next morning unless I happen to be around!
YES THE TOAST LINKED TO MEGHAN DAUM
Re: Lord Byron fanfic. If you go to Archive of Our Own, and cross-reference Byron with “Sherlock (TV),” you’ll find the start of a long-abandoned story in which BBC Sherlock time-travels to Byron’s manse and Byron is SMITTEN. Unfortunately the author didn’t continue past 4 chapters, which makes me sad, because Byron + Benedict Cumberbatch’s Sherlock? Unf.*
* Not actual Cumberbatch. I can’t cope with living person RPF.
Yeah, that's pretty much it! ThatOtherWench's comment, below, also gets at it. It's more like, "Even if they're right that it's the best thing ever, why do I need the best thing ever—especially when I feel like what I've already got is great?" I don't honestly believe it's the best thing ever for everyone, but even if I did, why couldn't I choose to skip it? I already know I'd rather have a career I like that pays reasonably well than a career I hate that pays tons. I'd rather have a comfortable monogamous marriage than the excitement and passion (and uncertainty) of new relationships. I'd rather live in Chicago than New York, even though loads of my friends and colleagues are out east. I make decisions all the time about what's right for me vs. what has the (theoretically) biggest payoff, you know? But it took a lot of years before I was ready to reframe the kid decision that way.