The man who murdered Jordan Davis has been found guilty of it:
Dunn testified on Tuesday he was sure he saw a gun as a teenager appeared to emerge from the SUV making verbal threats against his life. Davis was unarmed, prosecutors said, and no weapon was found in the youths’ vehicle.
During the weeklong retrial, prosecutors argued that Dunn’s actions went far beyond self-defense.
Davis was struck by three bullets while leaning away from the gunfire, an expert testified during the trial. Dunn faced intense questioning as to why he did not call 911, which he blamed on fear and shock.
On unsatisfyingly contacting your old bully:
When I finally felt I’d buttered her up enough—and how painful it was to have to feign sweetness and sympathy with her!—I asked the Big Question. “Do you remember leaving calendar reminders for me to kill myself?”
“Omg no! That’s horrible,” she wrote. “I’m really sorry.”
She has still never admitted to leaving the calendar reminders. Later, she said they “sound plausible”—plausible that she could have set them—but she also wondered if someone else might have been in on it, too, because she couldn’t recall doing it. How would I know? “Did you share my information with anyone else?” I asked.
*
wait wait i could MAKE THIS at HOME
I know it appeared in the comments yesterday, but a new Scandals of Classic Hollywood on Anna May Wong deserves a place of honour in the real link roundup:
Wong’s roles may have been shit, but the fan magazines loved her, unlike black actors, who were either relegated to even more demeaning bit parts and/or ghettoized in black films shown only in black theaters for black audiences. For various complicated reasons that have a lot to do with American racial history and the way that Orientalism actually weirdly celebrates the people and civilizations it fetishizes, it was OK for the fan mags to profile her, run pictures of her, and generally acquaint American audiences with her — but not put her on the cover.
Will read anything about Marine Todd:
The marines among us are, as the ads say, few and proud, but in right-wing memes they’re notably more accessible — not just as a rhetorical shortcut for Conservative Christian Bad-Ass of Uncommon Valor and Unassailable Virtue, but as an identity that the reader/liker/sharer can assume. To read Just Filling In as it was intended to be read is to indulge in a very specific sort of fantasy. It is to step into the body of a muscular, untouchable, reliably righteous violence machine, to knock a liberal out from within that body, and to still be the good guy.
Despite the positive vibe, egg freezing doesn’t necessarily stop the biological clock, not when the average age of egg freezing in the United States is 37.4. By that time, the eggs being frozen have already suffered a lot of the chromosomal breakage and genetic replication errors that make later childbearing iffy to begin with. Yet if the women at the cocktail party had their suspicions, they weren’t being addressed at the information session that followed. After all, EggBanxx had billed the event as an evening of “The Three F’s: Fun, Fertility, and Freezing”—no F’s left over for “Failure Rates.”
Michelle Dean talked to Eula Biss about her new book on vaccination and ethics:
One of the medical ethicists that I was speaking to, she said something along the lines of, “I just believe that when you’re a member of society there are certain things you owe that society.” In this case we have the tools to prevent our bodies from being vectors for disease. And if we have the tools, and they’re good tools and highly effective, which [vaccines] are, that it is our responsibility to make our bodies invulnerable to disease. Or to make our bodies not vectors for disease to other people.
There’s this tendency to think of the individual and the collective are somehow at odds or separate. But I think that’s really false. We’re all both. And when the individual suffers, the collective suffers, and vice versa. And that’s not just a point I believe philosophically, but it’s also something that’s been observed by mathematicians who look at vaccination, and do mathematical modelling of it. They observe that statistically speaking, you are benefiting both yourself and the collective when you vaccinate yourself against something like the flu. So it’s not like we have to make a sacrifice as an individual in order to protect the collective.
*
The finalists for the Kirkus Prize, with some glaring omissions in non-fiction!
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I AM HERE FOR MORE TALES OF THE PAULA DEEN CRUISE and also Paula’s general future:
Paula Deen locked her eyes with mine across the Lawn Club Grill. The white-haired crowd parted as she cut through them, a Red Sea to her Israelite, and when she arrived in front of me, she took my hand, which contained an ice cream cone (ice cream cones are available around the clock on this cruise, availability I tested at many hours), and licked my cone. She backed away, vanilla soft-serve on her chin, cone still in my hand, eye contact still intense. In her eyes is everything she wants to tell me to make me love her, which I sort of do for a minute. This is her specialty, getting people to love her despite it all.
My school is offering flu shots this year and I have it listed on my calendar! I told my colleague that I’d been getting flu shots when I go home to the US every year and she thought that was strange, because the Dutch barely believe in preventative medicine, but I convinced her it was a good idea. Why get sick and get other people sick if I don’t have to?
Does getting the US shot actually protect you at all in Denmark though? (Serious question) I always thought flu strains over large geographical differences were different enough that you’d need a different vaccine to protect you. Just like last years vaccine won’t help against this years strain.
Legitimately no idea, but hey, I did have to go on airplanes, so. But that’s one of the reasons I’m so excited to get one here now, because that will be done for the Netherlands.
It seems like certain strains become dominant each year, radiating out to cover most of the cold-weather areas of the world, but the degree of protection offered by the shot is lower than I’d have thought: According to this article, effectiveness in the 60% range is considered good.
I’ve gotten the flu proper only once, and it was enough to make me a believer in getting the shot for even the limited personal protection and, potentially, a greater societal one. That shit knocked me out so hard that for two weeks I didn’t even have the energy to watch TV–and I was a young and fairly healthy person, with no immunological issues. No thank you, zero stars, would not do again given the option.
FOR REAL THOUGH. I got a flu shot last year, but PartnerChouffe did not and he got H1N1. It was awful. He was so miserable for so long as a really healthy, late-30s person that I can’t even comprehend what that must be like for anyone who’s considered at-risk.
It’s often worse when you have an effective immune system; that’s where a lot of the deaths were coming from.
I cannot conclusively answer this but, anecdotally, when I was in another country for fall/winter my immune system was no help and I caught every bug possible at once.
It is SO FUCKING COOL how they do it: they get samples from all over the world, they make guesses; based on trends in the growth and spread of certain strains over time they predict one or two strains that will predominate when one hemisphere hits winter. They’re like 90-something% accurate, and when they’re wrong they scramble to fix it. It’s evolution IN ACTION, WHILE WE WATCH.
Just IMAGINE being able to base your molecular phylogeny on the data collected by thousands of people, being able to see actual evolution over a single year, having the ANCESTOR of your current variety in a freezer somewhere in case you were interested in looking at it, having funding out the wazoo, knowing the markers of interest, and then knowing your work will save lives and keep people from getting miserable sick.
Now I’m off to study my little group of plants no one but me and five other people care about, and make inferences about their evolution that are hopelessly vague. (My thesis is not going well, my funding source is “I got some work this summer. Also, debt.)
I didn’t realize that was an attitude us Dutch had but you’re right, I’ve never had a flu shot. Now that I think about it, that’s probably what you’d expect from a country that is also like “Have your baby at home, it’ll be completely fine. Ultrasounds? Okay, if you insist, just the one then.”
I’ve explained the concept of “yearly checkups” to everyone I know, with responses ranging from ‘that’s a decent idea’ to ‘complete bafflement.’ Lovely country, but that was surprising to me.
But but but yes/no. As a fellow Dutchy who has worked as a physician’s assistant for a while, I’ve given quite some flu-jabs. They’re available and reccomended for everyone over 65, ppl with asthma, diabetes and other chronical illnesses etc.
It’s just generally thought that if you’re ‘averagely healthy’ you’ll be able to handle a flu.
I think what also needs to be taken into account is that we are very generous with sick-days at work etc. Whereas I feel that the USians have been given the short end of the stick, having to work even when on death’s door. In such an environment it does make sense to be even more concerned with preventative medicine.
And (omg I’m defending my country, what have I become). I feel that in the example of pre-natal screenings etc., that the legislation culture in the US also plays a large part in checking checking double checking.
Oh totally! Believe me, I really like living here, and I love my vacation policies and my sick days etc etc, and I don’t know how I’d handle it if I have to go back. But there’s definitely a sense that you should be able to get over most things, so why bother trying to not deal with them. My colleague was really surprised to hear that flu shots were so easily available in the US (just at the Walgreens!), because while they are available in the Netherlands, you do have to go to a doctor and talk about why. But I guess since it’s a university and there are so many people, they’re just having them done for staff this year.
Which means I get both the ability to stay home when I have a bad cold and a flu shot, which is really the best of both worlds.
Wait, how old are you? In NZ the only people I know who go to yearly checkups are people over 50. Everyone else just goes when they’re sick or something’s wrong. Does EVERYONE in the US have a yearly checkup? What do they check? I’m really curious now!
In the States, it’s suggested you get a yearly checkup regardless of age, but I didn’t start getting them until I had reliable health insurance, so age 29.
They check your blood pressure, heart rate, listen to your lungs, look in your ears/nose/mouth, sometimes poke around your abdomen, weigh you, test your blood for vitamin levels (and other stuff I’m sure, but I got a lecture about being low in vit D or something so that’s what I remember – oh! cholesterol levels), shame your birth control choices, suggest you don’t actually have adult ADD and you just want to get pills to sell….all in about 10 minutes, starting half an hour after your appointment time.
You’re SUPPOSED to go yearly, but if you’re generally healthy it’s kind of a pain in the ass and if you don’t have health insurance it’s expensive so…I’ve been once in 15 years.
We don’t have them in the UK either. I’ve seen various doctors talks sbout this with Americans who don’t understand why they aren’t getting yearly check-ups over here the way they did in the US, and apparently they’re just not evidence-based. For healthy people up to the age of 50 or so, regular check-ups and the false positives that can come up just aren’t cost-effective or helpful to patients according to the statisticians who measure these things.
We don’t have yearly check-ups in Australia either. Nor do we have the dreaded pelvic exam. That was a surprise when I went to the doctor a few weeks ago. (Yes we get Pap smears but unless there’s something wrong the doctor doesn’t go for a poke around in your business. I don’t understand why it’s necessary? But anyway.)
I got my flu shot yesterday from the third-best-looking healthcare professional I’ve ever seen. I hope you’re as lucky as I am!
I really appreciate your precision rankings here.
My sister got a pap smear from a doc at a campus clinic, who she refers to as “the most handsome man to have ever been inside me.”
Her boyfriend is not thrilled by that description.
The flu shot makes me feel temporarily not-great (tired and achey for a day), but I always have to remind myself how much better that is than, you know, THE FLU.
YES YES I have been convincing everyone I can convince to get flu shots! As someone who once got TWO DIFFERENT STRAINS of the flu in ONE YEAR: please please get your flu shot I apparently have no immune system and the flu makes life MISERABLE. Also, it kills a LOT of people.
I was on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire a couple of years ago, well before any of our suspicions were confirmed about Paula Deen. During the taping, we were herded into the green room to wait for our turns. There was a big purple blanket in the room, the comfiest blanket I have ever had the fortune of cuddling. (Nobody else went near it, probably because I claimed dibs.) When I asked what it was doing there, the staff told me that they’d filmed Celebrity Week a few days before, and that the blanket had been specially purchased for Ms. Deen because it was so cold.
I wish I could have kept that blanket. Paula Deen is gross as hell but that blanket deserved to be saved.
I love everything about this story.
The best part is that now I have reaction .gifs OF MYSELF
OMG, these are amazing!
You have ascended to a higher plane of being than the rest of us mere mortals, my friend.
When I die, may my reaction gifs carry on my legacy.
What??? I never would have gotten that question right. I am thoroughly impressed with your knowledge!
Also, those gifs are just AMAZING
I was raised on a steady diet of trivia, so I guess it paid off!
The first one is my favorite because that is right after they told me the question I’d just answered was worth $25,000.
Holy shit that’s a lot of money! And that is the perfect reaction. What was the question? (Do you still remember?)
They actually used that as the “teaser picture” on their Facebook page, so yes!
(I have this whole thing chronicled. It was the most incredible experience of my entire life. I don’t know what that says about me.)
You have write this and publish it on the Toast.
Please!!!!!!! I would love to read that!
SECONDED!
Hmm I have put up detailed descriptions of such on my personal blog, but I wonder if I reworked it into a new, more concise piece it would be acceptable for publication? I’ve never written in this capacity before, but if there’s enough interest I would be more than happy to!
I will have to write the query email with questions.
Yes yes yes echoing the chorus of PLEASE. Or at least a link to your personal blog. I would love to read that. Also, would you mind horribly if I saved that first gif to my reaction folder and used it for Happy Excited Things because it is FUCKING AWESOME?
Be my guest!! I am honored, truly!
I just sent in a sort-of pre-pitch to the submissions email, so depending on how that turns out I will let you all know!!
DO IIIIIIIIIT.
THIRDED!
I am overwhelmed with jealousy.
ALSO: is anyone else having a problem with replying to comments but it posting as an original comment down-thread?
I am! I kept thinking I was being seriously comment-inept today, but no.
Yeah, I’ve done it a couple times so far. So if you see weird non-sequitors, that’s why! I mean, more than normal.
YES ME
OK, good, I guess? I’m mostly glad it’s not just me.
OMG-Yes! I thought it was just me, good to know it’s not.
Yes AND for some reason IntenseDebate is refusing to acknowledge that I’m logged in, at least with Google Chrome. (Works on IE at work and Chrome at home, but no Chrome at work 🙁 )
You’re great.
These are great and so are you!
AMAZING. 😀
That Atlantic piece on confronting your bully was fascinating. I never bullied anyone but I remember with deep shame and regret the people I’ve hurt or wronged over the years. I can’t imagine just…..not even giving it a second thought. Calling someone who was confronting you about it “annoying” and telling THEM it was “awkward.” I have lots of feelings about this, I think.
Yep yep, same here. I was actually just thinking the other day about some of the mean things I did when I was a kid, and feeling terrible about it. I think we all have our asshole moments. But that girl? To be such a calculating bully for three years, and then have an attitude and lie (in my opinion, at least) about it when (gently) confronted? It makes my heart hurt for that author.
I think guilt requires self-awareness, which itself requires, to some degree, self-doubt. If she never once questioned her behavior, if she didn’t have the metacognitive drive to examine her own motivations, and she never felt much more than passing amusement about it in the moment…I can see how strong memories wouldn’t form.
But that represents a kind of internal life that is totally alien to me. I mean, it must be easier, in a way, to lean more towards the sociopathic end of the spectrum in terms of “capacity for empathy,” “fear,” and “self doubt,” but it also involves being a horrible human being, like this POS. So…I dunno. I bet even if she did remember, she found a way to rationalize it all.
Human frailty comes in a big old variety pack, I guess.
HUH. Now I’m wondering how much of that stuff is developmentally dependent.
I also struggle to empathize with people who have little to no self-awareness (and recognize the irony of that). I often think that if I could grasp the way their minds work I would spend a lot less time in conflict with the Universe in general.
Yeah, figuring out that not everyone was a super sensitive obsessive who constantly questioned everything was a game changer for me. It changed a bunch of interactions from “hurtful and depressing” to “farcical misunderstanding” overnight. And weirdly, it was like I had a lot of empathy, but only within the sphere of my own experience, like you said.
I would like a mulligan on everything before the age of 25, please.
I’m 25 and going through that same game-changing realization RIGHT NOW. it’s…an experience.
Oh man, it’s so much easier after that realization! Kind of. Maybe. In some ways. I mean, for me, I didn’t have to plaintively ask “why?” so much, but then there was a bunch of other shit to deal with.
I’m reminded of something my trainer told me. Working out never gets easier; you might be in better shape and be able to lift heavier things, but if you’re doing it right it still sucks just as hard.
Yay personal development?
But yay you for that realization though. Hopefully it’s a good experience. 🙂
It might be that the bully is not self-aware, but it also might be that she’s trying to avoid conflict. As a teenager she had all the power, she had her two friends who either reinforced the behavior or did nothing to correct it and she had the means to make the author’s life hell. As an adult, the only thing she has is the ability to ignore the messages, to feign ignorance, or to apologize. She doesn’t have the same kind of social power anymore. She might feel that she has nothing to gain from apologizing, but she has a lot to lose. By apologizing, she has to feel like a bad person and let at least one other person thing of her as a bad person. That’s a potentially nasty conflict that she definitely can’t “win.” It’s a lot easier for her to just continue being a slightly milder asshole and save face.
Oh, agreed. I mean, I think it’s pretty much impossible for her to be truly self-aware and think of herself as a good person. In some ways I actually find it more disturbing that she’s either honed her bullying skills into actual instincts, like an apex predator of manipulation, or that she’s actually aware and just that calculating.
This lady sounds like a real lemon.
“I think it’s pretty much impossible for her to be truly self-aware and think of herself as a good person”
Do you really think that? I don’t think what Amanda did was excusable, but I also don’t think people are obligated to self-flagellate for their entire lives over bad things they’ve done in the past. Plenty of people who were cruel to me in middle and high school are doing really amazing things. Maybe they feel some regret, but it’s also been 14 years. They’re legitimately different people now.
I wasn’t thinking so much about her past behavior as the way she reacted when confronted as an adult. “Good person” is hella simplistic and overly broad (possibly to the point of meaninglessness?), but I think, at a minimum, if she were truly self-aware about her past behavior, the way she reacted was reeeeeeeaaallly shitty. I’m all for growing as a person and trying to be better and redemption and what not (good thing, bc I’ve fucked up some!), but that requires taking responsibility for the bad things you’ve done, not gas-lighting the fuck out of your victims when they confront you. To me that makes it an ongoing offense.
I agree with that. I also agree with another commenter that there’s no way you don’t remember something you did repeatedly for years. One terrible remark, sure. But not three years of bullying.
I was definitely the bullied significantly more often than the bullier, but I also have basically no memories of my childhood so this seems plausible to me. There are generalities but only a very few specific bits and pieces.
One of the benefits of being An Old is that there was no cyberbullying in the 70s and 80s. You would get teased/humiliated/etc. at school, but then you could go home and be Somewhere Safe.
What this author went through is terrible – maybe even more terrible than in-person or social media bullying, because it was so insidious and seemed to be coming from herself. I can’t fathom someone who would think that was OK, or someone who would forget about doing that to someone, or lie about it later.
An Old, too; and I thank sweet baby Jeebus there was no cyberspace in my time. The person to person bullying was bad enough, oof.
Maybe she’s too ashamed to admit it?
I feel terrible and ashamed when I think about the times I was an asshole, too.
Caveat that I haven’t read the article because I think it would lead to me dwelling on having been an asshole and I have too much stuff to do this morning for that.
What I thought was interesting, though, was that the author said she didn’t remember much of the offline stuff she did while Amanda was still her friend, but the one memory she does throw out was them bullying another girl so I have to wonder how much bullying behaviour is the author forgetting, too? Is that a thing? Is it common for bullies to just forget their behaviour? I definitely wouldn’t have call myself a bully as a kid, but the times I said/did something mean to a friend are definitely very clear in my mind.
Touch my ice cream and I WILL CUT YOU, PAULA
Ethylbenzene doesn’t share food!
I found that particular passage to be ABSOLUTELY HORRIFYING. Paula Deen stalks my delicious frozen treat from across a room? and then LICKS IT WHILE LOCKING EYES WITH ME?! The stuff of nightmares, my friends.
WHO DOES THAT NO SRSLY AND ALSO WHY
It’s such a Dominant Animal move, no? “I acknowledge that that is YOUR ice cream but I am claiming it as my own because I can and you can’t stop me.”
I LOVE Momofuku/David Chang. I heartily recommend everyone watch the first season of The Mind of a Chef (you can ignore that it’s narrated by Tony Bourdain’s leather jacket). We have the Momofuku cookbook (which we haven’t made anything from…yet but I’m excited to try!).
That season of Mind of a Chef was great. I loved the parts about Noma in Copenhagen.
Those scenes were super interesting but I couldn’t help thinking that the food at Noma sounds like something Bjork would eat
But also watch the second season! I super fell in love with chef April Bloomfield. She is so enthusiastic and warm. Be prepared to see skinned rabbit, though. It looks exactly like you’d imagine skinned rabbit would look.
my imagination is a little unhappy right now. though probably accurate.
Ooooh is that on Netflix? I vaguely seem to remember seeing it but I ended up watching the entire third season of Kitchen Nightmares instead.
Yes! Seasons 1 and 2 are on Netflix. I personally prefer Season 1 (David Chang) to the Season 2 episodes with Sean Brock. The Season 2 episodes with April Bloomfield fall somewhere in the middle. (YMMV, obviously!)
I know what I’m watching toniiiiiiiiiiiiiiight
Netflix Night Plans! Always the Best Plans!
Yes, agreed — the David Chang episodes were way more interesting than the Sean Brock. And I have a mega crush on April Bloomfield.
She’s so dreamy/a badass. I remember seeing her on Martha Stewart a few years ago and she was awesome – totally in control of the scene, clearly not in the least bit intimidated by Martha, wearing her usual chef pants/t-shirt/apron/bun/no makeup and not giving even a particle of a fuck about anything other than her cooking.
Ah, confronting old bullies. I was picked on quite a bit, but I adopted this whole “well I’m sorta goth so I might be a witch and I’m super mean and I’m so over all this and ALSO I SMOKE CIGARETTES AND LISTEN TO HEAVY METAL so I don’t care what you say about me *flicks cigarette butt at you*” thing that helped a lot. But man, I saw some nasty, nasty behavior. Then of course those people surface on Facebook years later with kids and real estate businesses and Mary Kay parties.
A few years ago, a woman who I’d gone to school with tried to friend me and I denied the request, because she’d been the most hateful person in school – once in gym class, she shoved another girl down the bleachers for being “too fat to live” and then laughed while she lay on the floor crying with two broken fingers. And the poor girl wouldn’t even rat her out, because she was this super popular type that even the teachers loved.
But she sent me ANOTHER request with a note saying “Hey it’s So and So! Remember, we went to school together! I’m married and have kids and etc etc” And I wrote back and said yes, and we weren’t friends at all and you were hateful as hell, so no thanks. She wrote back saying she knew she was mean in high school but that was a long time ago. Like not apologetic – more baffled I guess? Probably because she was rarely directly mean to me personally, or because it had been over a decade. And I just said no, I really don’t see the need. I have enough friends and we have nothing in common. But honestly, it is because I can’t shake that awful shit she did in high school! I don’t know, maybe I’m the asshole here. Always a possibility!
I’m pretty sure that if an adult did the thing you are describing (announcing that someone was “too [X] to live” and then pushing that person down a flight of stairs), they would be charged with attempted murder.
So I do NOT think you are the asshole here. For sure.
I had a similar situation – a girl whom I had absolutely NEVER spoken to in my life, cheer captain or whatever – requested me. I declined. She requested again with a message this time, “hey, it’s XXXXX from high school” – and I’m pretty sure I wrote back something akin to what you’d said. Then blocked her. Sorry! I’m allowed to be spiteful and I don’t owe you shit!
It’s like they don’t remember how it was? I don’t know. Or I know some people have a more relaxed attitude about who they friend on Facebook, kind of the more the merrier whereas I only like having people I know and like (or must friend because we’re related and I will never hear the end of it). Not random football player who would poke me in the back with a pencil and whisper “are you a lesbian??” every single day in English class. Like, we don’t need to be buddies now, pal.
YES. A couple of years ago I ran into a girl I’d gone to school with and had most of my classes with from 2nd grade to HS graduation. She was always smart and super pretty and very well-liked, and she was really good friends with the group of people that made life a living hell for me and a lot of others. She mentioned one of them (they’re all still SUPER close and, like, vacation together?!) and I told her that I really had no interest in what that guy was doing because he’d been so, so awful to so many people, and she was completely blown away. It was like she literally had no idea that any of it had ever happened. Makes no fucking sense.
I had a similar thing too. She started off all friendly but when I replied that she’d actually been terrible to me so I didn’t know why she was trying to friend me on fb, she flipped out and sent me a horribly spelled screed about how horrible I was and that my life clearly was awful so I was obviously jealous of her. I replied that I was actually quite happy with my multiple degrees and not living in our awful hometown and blocked her. It was wonderful.
No, I don’t think you’re the asshole! You don’t owe her an explanation, let alone an apology for not being her online “friend” when you have no desire to interact with her IRL!!
On the flip side, a while ago someone I went to summer camp with contacted me apologizing for how mean he was to me and I didn’t remember him being mean at all? I remembered him (it was a small camp with an even smaller amount of boys), but I didn’t really have an opinion on him either way. It was strange because maybe he was awful and making fun of me behind my back to people, but if he hadn’t tried to make amends I’d never know. Or maybe he was being mean to my face and I was just clueless? Mysteries.
Wow, damn. Maybe he was tragically terrible at being mean!
Maybe! Or I was just great at letting it wash over me into complete forgetfulness?
You were impervious to the mean! Basically you’re a wizard.
At her work, my mom sees some of the women who were mean to me and my sister in high school. My mom is a little baffled that we’re not super thrilled these women inquire after us kindly. I think in a small town, you end up forgiving people because you have to live in proximity. We moved away so we have the luxury of our grudges.
I came out of adolescence relatively unscathed, but once a group of girls told a neighborhood friend of mine that they were going to come beat me up, but when they saw us in the woods they thought we were doing a wiccan ceremony so left us alone.
This validates literally all of my childhood goth tendencies. I’m so glad!
Good for you! I’ve had a similar attempted-friending that I just ignored and wished I’d been as upfront as you were.
Paula Dean smoothly moving through a horde, taking my hand, and licking my ice cream cone before wafting away, eye contact UNBROKEN, is an image that will haunt me for many nights to come.
Like some kind middle aged dairy shark. With cold flat unnaturally blue eyes and an insatiable ancient hunger for soft serve (instead of blood).
DEEN OF THE DEEP
I smell a Syfy movie.
Oh god I wonder if her mouth pops out of her head like the freaking goblin shark…..
http://www.wired.com/images_blogs/wiredscience/20…
That read like fanfiction… really bizarre fanfiction in which Paula Deen is trying to seduce you. Probably intending to drizzle melted butter on your body. I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.
It sounds like something from a very particular kind of nightmare/David Lynch movie.
I find it really unsettling how, after so many times I’ve heard of the murder of an innocent black kid, my first reaction was relief that the murderer is being held responsible for once.
+1
I made the Bo SSam and it was amazing. You won’t be sorry
Guyyys can I pimp out this thing I wrote based on a piece I wrote for The Toast a while back? http://theaerogram.com/identity-in-pieces-when-yo…
And yes yes yes 100% on vaccines being an ethical responsibility. The museum I work at right now has done a few exhibitions about public health, including the smallpox epidemic in NYC and how 5 MILLION New Yorkers got vaccinated thanks to this huge public health campaign, and how that had a huge hand in eradicating it. Uuuugh just vaccinate your kids.
Marine Todd, the greatest folk hero since Paul Bunyan lectured Babe the Blue Ox on free markets.
Did anybody else read that NYTimes op-ed from the biology professor who starts every class off with a talk about how religion is disproven by science? Dude has a tenuous grasp of the history of philosophy at best, but worst of all, YOUR’E PROVING THEM RIGHT GODDAMMIT, don’t give these people ammo.
I dunno, I am pretty biased, but I liked that op-ed. He seems pretty far from Marine Todd’s professor::
“I conclude The Talk by saying that, although they don’t have to discard their religion in order to inform themselves about biology (or even to pass my course), if they insist on retaining and respecting both, they will have to undertake some challenging mental gymnastic routines. And while I respect their beliefs, the entire point of The Talk is to make clear that, at least for this biologist, it is no longer acceptable for science to be the one doing those routines.”
“they don’t have to discard their religion in order to inform themselves about biology (or even to pass my course)”
Haha wow how GENEROUS of him not to automatically fail anyone with religious beliefs. I can’t find the op-ed but this excerpt makes him sound like one of those dudes who make me embarrassed to say I’m an atheist.
P.S. I would appreciate it if anyone could give me a link, I would legit be delighted to be proved wrong in my fear that this guy is a condescending atheist-splainer
It’s here: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/28/opinion/sunday/…
Thank you!
It doesn’t read like that to me. Granted, I am also biased. What I got from that is was sort of : “Fair warning: You can believe whatever you want, but to pass my class, you should start by believing ME.” Which, actually, is a great lesson for the young idealists. There will be times ahead when you have to compromise your personal beliefs in order to keep the peace or get paid.
Seriously, go make the Bo Saam and you will feel like a magician capable of delicious tricks. It’s so easy and so good.
Ugh, I had to stop following a new mom Facebook group because I couldn’t deal with the shear amount of misinformation about the flu shot going around. Someone confidently asserted that you don’t need to flu shot because only immunocompromised people die of flu. This group is for pregnant women and women with new babies. Guess who is immunocompromised? Pregnant women and new babies.
Just got TDaP in my left arm and flu in my right and Rhogam in my butt muscle and I am in my third trimester and feeling like a proud part of the conspiracy of conventional medicine.
OH GOD I had the exact same experience (I wonder if it was the same new mom group. Weird). Not only were they anti-vaxxers, but there were also a bunch of pro-“holistic schooling”. Not just homeschooling, but not *directing* learning. “Kids will learn gardening, and cooking, and can find out about whatever they want, and play…” and I just couldn’t take it anymore. 🙁 Homeschooling can be the right choice, but not actually *teaching*??? NOPE.
I always feel like the crunchy moms are my cohort, because sure, unmedicated birth, breastfeeding, wear your child in a cunning baby holster, etc. Especially when the dominant narrative is like the Hey Ladies e-mails in mommy form. “My ped said not to give my 2 mo ff dd cereal in her bottle but she is not sleeping the 12 hour stretches I require of her so iam going to start anyway lol. MY dh is no help bec when he babysits dd he refuses to actually touch her for any reason and usually just sets the house on fire. men am i rightlol.Any advice. TIA ladies!!!!”
But then…anti vax nonsense, or weird judgment towards those who use birth control, and it’s like one has accidentally wandered into a cult meeting.
I feel the same way. I’m like, a little crunchy, but why do all these nice ideas like “you’re not necessarily an idiot if you decide to turn down an epidural” or “breastfeeding is cool” have to coexist with the idea that elderberry syrup cures everything?!
That and the chicken pox shot – it’s no big deal, people say, again unless you’re pregnant or a newborn. Chicken pox can cause serious congenital deformities in fetuses and kill little babies. Get your chicken pox shot and your flu shot everyone!
I am 38 and have never had the chicken pox (I was exposed as a kid when my siblings had it: i had two pox and my doctor was like, “Nah, it probably doesn’t count”) and I’ve always wondered if this was a thing I could/should do. Tell me more, oh wise pro-pox-vaccination person!
So, not a clinician here, therefore this is not medical advice, etc. so forth —
That said, my understanding is that a light enough case of chicken pox (like your 2 pox; I think my sister had, like 5?) can provide insufficient immunity in later years. My sister got full-on chicken pox when she was in her 20s, and it was horrible. What’s more, it’s the chicken pox virus that can later cause shingles, which is EVEN MORE HORRIBLE. Prevent chicken pox, prevent shingles, prevent a WORLD of pain. I’d definitely talk to your doctor about the possibilities of getting the shot.
Ask your doctor for a varicella (chicken pox) titer! It’s just a blood test for the antibodies against the disease, and will tell you if you’re immune or not. If you’re not, you can get a booster vax.
My hero! Thank you.
According to Wikipedia, chicken pox in adults tends to be worse than in kids. It says that in England and Wales, 75% of deaths due to chickenpox are in adults. Also chicken pox can be pretty unpleasant even if you get it as a kid (source: my memory), so even if you weren’t so unlucky as to die of it, worse chicken pox seems like it would be awful.
Plus, I’m pretty sure that if you never have chicken pox then you’ll never have shingles, and shingles sounds really awful.
I have done work at the GP surgery my mother is manager of, phoning patients who are entitled to a free flu vaccine and inviting them to make an appointment in one of the flu clinics to have it done. There is so much nonsense. “I had it last year and then it gave me flu!” “My doctor says I should never have any vaccinations, because I’m so ill that they could kill me.” And because I wasn’t allowed to give clinical advice, I couldn’t say anything in response.
At the very least I still always will appreciate the Paula Deen Riding Things meme. This is still on my friend’s cubicle.
It is to step into the body of a muscular, untouchable, reliably righteous violence machine, to knock a liberal out from within that body, and to still be the good guy.
Switch “to knock a liberal out” for “set fire to the bigots of the world” and I’m 100% on board.
My super Catholic sister-in-law who had 5 kids in 6 years refuses to vaccinate any of them because she thinks that vaccines contain cells from aborted fetuses.
So basically 1 30+ years dead fetus > her 5 children?
If God wants her children to die of smallpox when they’re still in diapers, who is she to contradict His plan?
What. Is this a thing lots of people believe, or did she make that up on her own???
Some vaccines use viruses that are grown on cells taken from abortions performed in the 60s (ie, 50 freaking years ago). Somehow this got twisted up in her mind as “All vaccines contain the murdered unborn.”
SCIENCE!
*headdesk*
*blink*
…
Hey, I just learned exactly how far my eyes roll back in my head so that’s useful, right?
Regarding the Cyberbullying piece, that line from ‘Amanda’ at the end – I try not to spend time with negative people…people that would compel me to do something like that. – is really telling. The girl you bullied didn’t compel you to tell her to kill herself.
Ugh, the bullying story. I identify with is so, so much. (ha, my bully’s name was actually Amanda, so that was a fun trigger). I’ve never tried to contact her, but I remember that hellish year in 4th grade so clearly. How it felt, how she looked, along with the other 2 girls who bullied right along with her. How our teacher took her side, and how when I finally, finally broke down and told my mother (who might have hit her if she ever met her), I went to the principal. And all that happened was an awkward meeting with the four of us, a slap on the wrist for them, and continued bullying for me. I sometimes wonder what happened to her, but mostly I just shudder and tense up when I think about that year. The only good thing that happened was in the summer – I got my first dog. And that is literally the only point of happiness I can recall from that year. I hate bullying so much, you guys. I can’t imagine what it would have been like to go home and *still* not be away from it. God my heart goes out to every other victim of bullying. I just want to hug all of them.
Sorry, that got really long. Apparently I had some feelings.
I’ve made the Bo Ssam from this exact NYT recipe a few times and it is 1.) so easy and 2.) the best casual dinner party dish out there. So much fun for a communal dinner…it gets a little ferocious and elbows get thrown once everybody figures out how delicious it is. Don’t skip making the sauces–they’re the best.
In that Marine Todd story, the author describes the route that mass emails take as “passage through the internet’s uncle-lined rage loop”, and I think that’s pretty good.
Toasties, you’ve seen The Worst Cat, right? If you are having a bad day, it will help.
I want one!
Tears in my eyes. Glorious!
I lost all the continence with ‘YOU CAN HAS FLARS’
I don’t even know why this is so funny, but now my stomach hurts from laughing…
Once at a dreadful production of The Mikado, I leaned over to my companion and described the sad sad yellowface aesthetic as “Anna May Wrong” – she blank stared me because she had no idea what I was talking about. And I was HURT that my DELIGHTFUL PUN was NOT APPRECIATED
Also can we talk about the wonderful imagery of Anna May Wong and Marlene Dietrich gamboling around Berlin together? My heart can’t take the joy.
These are great and so are you!
On vaccines, it seems to me that there are people who are against them, but the vast majority of the world is of the opinion that vaccines are awesome, correct?
Like, the anti-vaccine people are an absurdly vocal minority, right?
Please tell me that’s right.
Generally, yes, but there are anti-vaccination pockets where that philosophy is the majority. You see pockets in rich/liberal/hippie/white areas of California 🙁
That’s right, BUT I believe you need about 95% of a population vaccinated to have effective herd immunity. So if you’ve got 8 or 12% of people who are anti-vax, they’re the minority but there’s still enough crazies there to f-ck it up for the rest of us. [public health people please weigh in if I’m way wrong!]
Did anyone who got this years shot feel like it was, I don’t know, stronger than last year’s? For some reason this one hurt more than previous years. I mean my arm is usually only sore for a few hours, but this time it was sore for 2 days, to the point where if I rolled over onto my arm in my sleep it actually woke me up.
Still, pain notwithstanding, vaccines! They’re important! I (grudgingly, because I hate shots) go every year ’cause I work with immunocompromised patients and the benefits definitely outweigh the ouchies.
I got mine on Monday and it’s still sore. I’m envious of the Heir, who just got it shot up his nose. Come on, science, adults want nasal doses too!
Yeah my arm was sore for about 2-3 days, and i fell like possibly some minor symptoms as well (one day I had trouble catching my breath all day). But all fine now.
Depending on how old you are…..that happened to me around 23/24, as I moved from “early 20’s, but stretching it” to “solidly in my midtwenties now.”
I’m 25! Oh noooo does this mean all flu shots are going to hurt more from now on!? 🙁
My minimal understanding from my non-clinical job in a healthcare setting is that due to shortages of the vaccine this year, the intramuscular shot is all there was available for the above 18 shot–shipments were delayed for a while, too, as we just started our mandatory staff shots last week. Intramuscular shots are generally much more painful than a regular shot, and I still have a raised bump at the injection site after a week plus. As I understand it, this is the strongest form of the shot. I think a pharmacist/vaccine orderer of some sort would know better than me, but that’s what I heard when I got mine!
Fellow nonclinical here. With all due respect to my nurses, it can make a difference where in the muscle the shot goes. The higher on the arm, the less painful? This could just be anecdata, but then, they do give a lot of shots. It also helps them and you tremendously if you un-tense your upper arm.
I mean, it sort of makes sense that if you inject a tablespoon of something into/amongst tightly woven fibers, the fibers might not take kindly to it.
I have had a few Hepatitis B jabs, and the first time I got it it hurt incredibly badly. The second time, I was told to un-tense my arm as much as possible, and it really helped.
YES my arm hurt a LOT and also I felt awful for like a week. Less awful than the Actual Flu, though, so: worth it.
Did anyone who got this years shot feel like it was, I don't know, stronger than last year's? For some reason this one hurt more than previous years. I mean my arm is usually only sore for a few hours, but this time it was sore for 2 days, to the point where if I rolled over onto my arm in my sleep it actually woke me up.
Still, pain notwithstanding, vaccines! They're important! I (grudgingly, because I hate shots) go every year 'cause I work with immunocompromised patients and the benefits definitely outweigh the ouchies.
I’ve never felt compelled to contact my childhood bullies because 1. there were way too many of them to count, and 2. why would I ever want to engage in conversation with them again? But I did look one of them up on Facebook a few weeks ago. The guy who pushed me down the stairs and threatened to kill me is working at the local pool now, and he’s still friended to a bunch of our HS classmates. I wonder if they’re actually friends with him or just have all their old classmates added.
This is how I felt about mine– I looked all those people up on facebook and any remaining adolescent sore spots sort of evaporated, or at least fell into perspective. It was suddenly clear to me that the reason I was a big nerd in middle school is that I had parents who encouraged me to read and expected me to go to college. Most of the kids I hated never had that privilege, and now they’re working low-wage jobs and having kids really young while I’m working on a professional career a few thousand miles away. I can’t really feel any resentment.
I don’t want to just drop off a load of fertility talk in the comments, but if anyone is thinking of freezing their eggs and wants to hear from a 33-year-old how it went for her, I’m here for you.
How expensive is it? And how arduous is the procedure?
Expense is actually one thing I can’t speak to–I was freezing eggs as a known donor for a gay couple, who covered the costs. But I did not find the process very arduous, which is why I like to talk about it–everyone’s experience will differ, but if I had known how easy it would be for me, I would have donated eggs for money when I was young enough to be eligible for that.
The hormone process took about a week and a half; for other people this may be a few days longer, sometimes shorter. I started out giving myself shots of FSH in the belly, then added a shot of something to prevent ovulation, which I took in the leg. These are subcutaneous shots and are not deep or painful. After a few days, I had some swelling in the abdomen from the stimulated ovaries, so my pants were a bit tight and it was sometimes uncomfortable to move or bend my torso (exercise is discouraged), but not in a way that affected my life much. The day before retrieval, I took a train to another city for a sales conference and felt fine, if a bit bloated. I also had a sonogram every other day during this time to evaluate the follicle situation, but the clinic happened to be on my way to work, so that was not a hardship.
The night before retrieval I gave myself one intramuscular shot in the behind, which was a bit trickier, but Youtube is full of how-to videos. I was put under for retrieval, so I have no memory of that. Afterward, I was very sore in the abdomen for about five days, but I mostly just chilled out and let other people help me with things. Then I started feeling normal again, and felt that it had overall been a relatively short-term and low-effort committment.
Despite all the hormones, I did not really feel my mood or personality change except after the retrieval, right before I was permitted to start taking birth control again. For about a week I was involuntarily and deeply attracted to much younger men, like right-out-of-college beardless men. This was more hilarious than inconvenient, though.
I have also donated eggs and this was essentially my experience as well. I was an anonymous donor – no contact with any of the couples – and I did it six times. Plus one for a study about diabetes. I don’t recall any personality changes, besides just being grumpy from mild discomfort.
I actually found that the experience got easier each time, partly because the technology is changing so quickly. I had to do the daily shots at home for the first couple rounds, but by the sixth/seventh rounds it was just pills and occasional (every 3 days? I forget) shots in the clinic. Side effects like bloating and soreness also lessened as the methods changed.
I’m a marine corps brat and the Marine Todd-type phenomenon (in its many iterations across the political spectrum) is so icky to me. What’s the polite way of saying “sorry that part of my personal background happens to align with your bullshit culture-war fantasies”?
This makes me BATSHIT ANGRY, because the Spare has a lung growth (CPAM) that makes him more susceptible to respiratory issues, and he’s just a little baby, and there are schools in my neighborhood with a 35% non-vaccination rate and those kids play at the park with my oldest, who in turn comes home and kisses his baby brother. THE INTERNET IS NOT ALWAYS A RELIABLE SOURCE OF MEDICAL ADVICE, YOU KALE-HUMPING ASSCLOWNS.
“Kale-humping assclowns” is so perfect, I feel you deserve a prize.
Don’t get me started on MFing coconut oil. It’s not sunscreen, it only makes you smell nice.
WAIT PEOPLE THINK IT’S SUNSCREEN????
Like Kramer, with the butter sunbathing?
God, and they’re all insufferable. http://wellnessmama.com/2558/homemade-sunscreen/
Ugh I am ANGRY for you!
As someone who was kind of a bully in middle/the beginning of high school (totally because of my own insecurity), I call bullshit on that girl not remembering what she did. I remember almost every single thing I did, and I didn’t do it to the same person for THREE YEARS.
Unfortunately I can’t really apologize, because the main person I was really kind of awful to in middle school was murdered when we were 19/20.
I just had almost this exact conversation with a friend of mine. I spend a lot of time at work being yelled at by sickly, stressed out people and it is, in turn, stressful and draining and not-exactly-healthy-making mentally or emotionally for me. I’ve never been sick — like life threateningly, scarily sick — so it’s easy for me to say, “I would never behave that way to a complete stranger.” But I don’t know. My mom never did, when she was going through chemo, but people are different and the environment where I work is definitely not one where people are at their shiny best.
My friend said it wasn’t until she was around 30 that she was able to kind of take a step back and make that transformation from “hurtful and depressing” to “farcical misunderstanding.” I’m 25, so I hope to god mine happens sooner than that.
I think for me it was kind of a slow-moving transition. Like I had to accumulate basic understanding of many different traits or ways of looking at the world that I did not have or did not share until I was playing with, if not a *full* deck, at least a full *enough* deck. And even now, if it’s an entirely new situation sometimes I’ll still fuck it up. Sometimes the understanding doesn’t come until well after the fact, which feels like the mirror opposite of when you think of an excellent burn about 10 minutes too late.
Dealing with people who may be dying and who are on a shit ton of prednisone is, otoh, kind of the extreme version of this, IMO. You are seeing people at their…I mean. Not to get too existential, but having been treated with similar hormones for other stuff, feeling like an *entirely different person* just because of some drugs really brings home the idea that whatever else we are, we are still definitely skin sacks of furiously interacting chemicals. It sounds like you’re getting all the aggressive, emotionally batshit froth of that chemical excess.
Your job sounds legitimately tough, dude. It’s like I was talking about learning to box at my local Y or whatever and how much better it got when I figured out how to defend, and you’re like, “yeah, training with Floyd Merriweather is really hard, I hope I figure that out soon.” Don’t beat yourself up, I guess is what I’m saying?
Aww, I like the boxing analogy. Gonna try to think of that next time.
One lady actually described being on prednisone in a very similar way. I cannot imagine how freaking scary that must be.
And yeah, this is definitely different from bullying, but sometimes patients (or, or frequently, relatives of patients) use similar techniques? Like, berating, attempts at intimidation. Usually in response to our TRULY ATROCIOUS WAIT TIMES, so I get it. I guess I must have a pretty strong fight or flight reaction when it comes to conflict, though, which makes it that much more difficult when it’s my job to remain customer servicey. 😐
I interviewed Bobby Deen for a local publication shortly before the scandal. He was coming to town to make an appearance and sell his book, and they needed someone to write a fluffy profile and drum up ticket sales. I’m not a reporter (long story how I got this assignment, but anyway) so I don’t regularly talk to people with celebrity connections. I guess the thing that really struck me about him was how rehearsed he felt. I mean, I will grant you I didn’t ask anything provocative, but his recitation of the family mythology was nearly word-for-word what is on his and his mother’s food network biography pages.
Much like a politician, he was charming and gave the appearance of being an open book without ever going off-script.
I hate to sound like a conspiracy nut, but I think in the case of Paula’s empire, there is a lot of cold, hard steel under the caftans and hair extensions.
TOASTIES, a story for you, unrelated to links above. It’s quite a short story, but it is a perfect one:
This little old lady, actually literally lilac-haired and wearing perfectly applied pink lipstick, just came into the lab and started telling me about how she used to work on a steamship cruise liner in the fifties and got to tour all of South America. When people used to tell her she was an old maid she said “Why the hell would I get married when I can do this?”
She took to the sea and never looked back and has brightened my dreary morning exponentially.
I love all stories of cool ladies doing cool things, but I especially love stories of cool 1950s/1960s ladies doing cool things. Also, now I want to tour the world on a steamship.
I am 100% content NEVER speaking to my bullies ever again, thanks. I don’t know what it is that compels people to try and reach out and find out why or hope someone gives them an apology or something, but that thing is not within me.
My worst cyberbully/abuser recently (within the last few months) tried to friend me on Facebook, and I took great joy in declining it and blocking her, but otherwise I want nothing to do with that person.
Exactly. I love that there are so many ways to be a mom, but some things are just common sense. I think it was the lack of common sense and the cultish feeling that drove me away, as if there wasn’t room for different views. It was just a major turn-off.
Ok, AHP just posted a link to this article about Lena Dunham and it’s fantastic. (I don’t know how to post links in comments here because I took Mallory’s advice and refused to learn to code, but here anyway.)
http://www.newrepublic.com/article/119674/lena-du…
ETA: Hey, what do you know, it’s automatic! Sweet.
I have a hard time identifying with the high school bully/mean girl trope because our high school was actually fairly well adjusted. And it wasn’t a small high school.
All the bullying I suffered from was in grade school into 7th grade (and then, thankfully, we moved to a different state)and it was terrible everyday torture from the time I got on the bus until I walked into the door of the house. And sometimes after school when I was out playing with friends, the neighborhood bullies would come out and bully me back into the house. I simply don’t know how I would react if one of those rotten little shits sent a friend request on facebook.
I was really feeling the bullying article, but was kinda taken aback by the not once but twice calling out of Amanda as being fat. Even if the second call out was in the service of honest, self-exploration about seeing her on FB after all those years, it still felt mean-spirited, not just toward Amanda herself but fat women in general. An attempt to reclaim power, I guess? But one that relies on fatphobia to get the upper hand…meh.
(A clarification: Perhaps a little mean-spiritedness is well-deserved in this case, but calling her a “fat mom” in an online article…well, isn’t that a little cyberbullyish itself?! Not to mention the aforementioned contribution to fat hatred more broadly.)
Maybe I am being cruel or dense but I was a bit confused about what the author of the bullying article really hoped to get out of contacting Amanda, honestly. Like, I get the instinct to have the bully grovel in apology and provide some closure, but putting aside the likelihood of that happening, the author didn’t actually seem all that interested in apologies. It seemed more of a way of continuing to fixate on it, the same way she’d look up her bully’s wedding photos, then her family’s photos, and monitor her on Facebook for years, in that she wanted in-depth explanations of what exactly Amanda was thinking at each turn. When I was reading the part where she was describing how upset every Facebook message made her, and how it was bleeding into the rest of her life by making her extremely anxious any time anyone Facebook messaged her, all I could think is “what is she getting out of this that makes this worth it?!”
Yeah, it was hard for me not to be too judgy about that writer — well, impossible, I guess, because I think I’m still being too judgy. I mean…middle school was 15 years ago, and you’re the one being weirdly obsessive about this person’s Facebook and getting angry and anxious about someone who has literally no impact on your life anymore. So you contact her and grill her, and when she can say “I’m sorry, that was a terrible thing to do” but not provide an in-depth analysis of the psychology of adolescent power dynamics, you just keep peppering her with questions and get obviously increasingly frustrated, because somehow you expect something she says to make you feel better about events that *fifteen years* of just living your life haven’t made you significantly less invested in? It just seems like whatever she wants is not really possible, and not because Amanda is terrible, but just because — that’s not how it works.
The thing about adolescent bullying is that it’s easy to absorb into your sense of self, so you become in part what they say you are — you’re ugly, unloveable, unworthy of life, whatever. You’re at an age when you’re constructing that sense of who you are in the world, so that gets unfortunately woven into the fabric. But then the thing is, it’s there; it’s *in you,* and it’s the fact that it’s in you that’s the problem. As an adult, you’re formed enough already that you can’t expect any other person to take it out for you, even the person you blame for putting it in. You have to do that yourself. At the point where you become a person who doesn’t believe any of that is true, you stop giving a shit about your bullies, and this writer is *clearly* not there.
If anyone is avoiding the flu shot because they fear needles, ask for the flu mist! It is not recommended for pregnant or immunocompromised folks, and it does involve having stuff squirted up your nose, so if you’re healthy and OK with nose intrusion, give it a try. Getting an annual flu shot actually helped me conquer my needle fear (those nurses are uber pros), but I started getting the mist a few years ago because I was sick of not being able to sleep on my side after getting my shot. I haven’t looked back.
Yeah. . . the author does critique her own response toward Amanda’s weight, at least a little bit, but I don’t love it in there. Like, I’m glad she’s looking at the ways being bullied can make one think like a bully, but since there’s not a lot of room to unpack it, I wish she’d been a bit more vague about what aspect of Amanda’s appearance she was responding to.
Is anyone else having this problem today where reply comments are posted as a reply AND as a new comment? My work browser is pretty buggy, so it may just be me.
And here in central Texas. I am related to a family whose five kids (born in a 7-year span) are home-schooled primarily because public schools require vaccinations.
::sob::
I’ve never been contacted by anyone I went to middle school with. I’ve come to the conclusion that I was just too weird for them. They didn’t know how to interact with an overweight, over-sensitive 11 year-old with an unhealthy obsession with musicals and a sincere belief that I was an amazing opera singer, and I was so eager to be liked that I didn’t understand trying to show off wasn’t going to make me any friends. Other than a few specific instances, I don’t think I was so much bullied as marginalized, which can hurt just as deeply. Francie’s article struck a nerve, because I doubt any of those girls I went to school with would remember me as anything more than “that weird girl who read all the time”, but some of the things they said took me years to come to terms with.
Besides, the Grill Sergeant told me, that incident — the one in which she referred to the man who allegedly robbed the bank where she worked as an N-word — was 25 years ago, in the 1960s. People used different words then. This is a thing I’d hear very often: that 25 years ago was in the 1960s, that it was a different time.
Wait, how can people think something being 25 years ago means it was in the 1960s? (I will be 25 next month. I was born in 1989. 1989 is not the 1960s.)
I have a bullying story that I still worry about sometimes. I was bullied at junior school and was generally unpopular but I also had a few friends. But there was one girl who was very socially awkward and had no friends and was generally either ignored or bullied. I felt bad for her and was nice to her and at one point I even told a teacher in secret that I was worried about how she was being treated. One day she left a note in my desk thanking me for looking out for her. But for some reason that I still do not understand, I was really irritated to the point almost of anger that she’d left the message. I really, really don’t see why I reacted this way. I must have hurt her by my reaction which she almost certainly saw since we all had the same classroom. I still feel bad about that. Why couldn’t I just been happy or thanked her for the note? What was wrong with me? I guess I must have been embarrassed?
Mine hurt for two days too this year. But somehow I can't remember whether last year's was the same or different. Either way, worth it.
"I could not bring myself to feel sorry for him." I definitely understand that feeling. There are people who were mean to me occasionally in high school, who were callous or unthinking, and I can forgive that fairly easily b/c it's not like I was perfect when I was young, but sustained bullying? I would never approach the guy who went after me the most to make peace, or even to learn why. I don't care why.
Isn't it so nice not to have to talk to the people who bugged you after high school?
I have to get a yearly physical for work, because I work in a petrochemical plant (carcinogens! asbestos! noise hazards!). Basically, they want to make sure that they catch any cancer or hearing loss or whatever and get me treated so I can’t try to sue the pants off them later. Or end up on disability on their dime, I guess. I don’t know why you’d do it any more frequently than every five years otherwise, though.
We CAN?!? Thanks, Mom!
(but seriously, bullying is the worst, the worst)
“…the author didn’t actually seem all that interested in apologies. It seemed more of a way of continuing to fixate on it, the same way she’d look up her bully’s wedding photos, then her family’s photos, and monitor her on Facebook for years, in that she wanted in-depth explanations of what exactly Amanda was thinking at each turn.”
Now that you’ve pointed it out, the author doesn’t talk about their motivation. But their curiosity does remind me of other profiles I’ve read on people like, say, Violentacrez, or the people who leave virulent abuse using their real-name Facebook account. The authors are often astonished that these people have jobs and children and then sit down at their computer to send strangers awful things as a hobby. Like, how does the fact that this person told someone to kill themselves for three years NOT bleed over into their everyday life? (Apparently, it doesn’t!)
“When I was reading the part where she was describing how upset every Facebook message made her, and how it was bleeding into the rest of her life by making her extremely anxious any time anyone Facebook messaged her, all I could think is ‘what is she getting out of this that makes this worth it?!'”
A paycheck, hopefully. 😉
More seriously, I can only relate my own experiences of being verbally abused here, in that the sheer lack of empathy in the way people treated me made me come back to it over and over again as I desperately tried to figure out what I’d done to cause it/why they thought that would be a good way to treat someone/why no one else seemed to think it was a big deal. Sometimes there is literally no reason why you were singled out, and there are things can mess you up in ways that a pep talk can’t cure.
Also, the author got reminders to kill themselves on NEW YEARS! (wtf?) Wouldn’t that experience stay with you? Even if you were talking with the person 15 years later, after having a career, wouldn’t talking with them still squick you?
Who here remembers the story about Mitt Romney and his Topsider-wearing buddies holding down a gay classmate and cutting off his hair? The ONLY reason we know about this is because one of those friends felt such remorse and disgust over that "prank" that he stepped forward and acknowledged it.
When he was questioned about it, Romney said he didn't remember such an incident, but if it really happened, that would have been soooo awful. "… bullies… carrying a sense of entitlement since childhood"? You nailed it.