1. You are driving your car at night on an abandoned stretch of highway while you add pins to your GREATEST ROAD TRIP EVER!! board. Your final pin is for a DIY Clutch Purse Made from Upcycled Seatbelts and your description reads “This is so cute! Where am I going to get a dozen seatbelts?? sgsgsgr wreqefn we”
2. You stick an actual, literal pin into each and every item you encounter in the world that pleases you. As a result, you swallow untold numbers of pins from light summer pasta dishes, light summer desserts, and light summer cocktails. By summer’s end, you are dead.
3. After you click on Pin It, you beat yourself about the head with your laptop until you black out. When you come to, you can’t remember if you clicked on Pin It, so you click again, beat yourself about the head again, and continue to drift in and out of consciousness in this way until you’re no longer sure if you’re among the living or you’ve concussed yourself into Purgatory.
4. You have pinned your enemy’s wedding gown to a board entitled DRESSES I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN WEAR LOL. Your enemy murders you.
5. Your outfit is adorable. What great accessories! I love the chunky statement necklace. I don’t like fringe on jackets but maybe I would do denim instead? I wish I could wear this shade of orange. You have been pinned 9437 times.
6. It occurs to you that for all of your pinning, you have very little to show for it. You have curated a stylish, color-coordinated, harmonious virtual world for yourself while wallowing in shame, self-sabotage, and inaction in your colorless reality. You select one of your pins and declare to yourself, “Today is the day I make my own lemon verbena sugar scrub.” You follow the clear instructions provided in the tutorial and divide the scrub into 4-ounce canning jars. The experience is satisfying and gives you a profound sense of accomplishment: not because making your own sugar scrub is so challenging, but because it is so rare, in this age of constant distraction, to commit to seeing any single task through to completion. Your reality and your Pinterest fantasies are, at that moment, blissfully aligned. Your severe lemon verbena allergy was never diagnosed.
7. You pin three Bloody Mary recipes. Bloody Mary herself is released, howling and ravenous, from your iPad.
Tags: crafts, humor, melanie maksin, the internet
You have curated a stylish, color-coordinated, harmonious virtual world for yourself while wallowing in shame, self-sabotage, and inaction in your colorless reality.
you cut me deep, man
I know, too real.
You pin several pins of the Lamarchand Box, in order, unwittingly unlocking the Lament Configuration.
Pinhead drags you to hell, where you are able to constantly view delicious, simple recipes and light, color-coordinated outfits on your Pinterest feed, but when you try to repin them, they are instead pictures of snakes, severed fingers, &c
WE HAVE SUCH PINS TO SHOW YOU.
YOUR PINNING WILL BE LEGENDARY, EVEN IN HELL
No tears, please. It is a waste of good suffering you could channel into making a button bowl.
There is a secret sound at the center of the earth, and its song is this elegant wedding dress made from reclaimed t-shirts.
Number 6, man … yep.
Oh god, lost it at #6. Of course, on the rare occasion you actually *finish* something from Pinterest, it kills you.
Also, that is a perfect article image. Perfection. …maybe I should Pin it…
Have we all seen the ComeDiva sketch about this? I feel like Comediva is complementary to the Toast in the same way Butter is.
You pin every photo of “farmhouse in France” – as if this was your vision board. One of the photos carries the spirit of an evil farmhouse witch who curses every soul who pins that pic.
You never get your farmhouse in France.
If only you’d stopped pinning all those pics.
Now I want to write some Pinterest horror fiction…
I’d read that.
Never use your iPad as a mirror. Never! It just encourages Bloody Mary to manifest.
I have such a hard time with the layout of pinterest. It just..so..all over the place? And then someone pins a ‘101 healthy snacks to bring to the office” list that is just a reallllly long graphic of various types of nuts and you keep scrolling because you figured “hey, I should start eating better,” and you haven’t gotten to end of it yet and why omg 101 is so many and then you have to scroll back up and see everything you missed that was pinned NEXT TO IT while you were scrolling for hours and it was just a bunch of recipes for sangria with skinny girl alcohol.
…not that…I’m..speaking from any kind of specific experience…or anything.
Oh, gosh, I discovered last night that one of my meager little pinterest boards has a bunch of followers. I have a grand total of five things pinned to that one. Don’t hitch your wagon to that star, people. Aim higher
This was awesome.
No tears, please. It is a waste of good suffering you could channel into making a button bowl.
If I ever made a pinterest board it would all be things like “objects I would like [insert ignorant misogynist] to step on” *pinned pictures of spiky ball things and legos”
I'd read that.
Amazing picture choice. That is all I came here to say.
If I ever made a pinterest board it would all be things like “objects I would like [insert ignorant misogynist] to step on” *pinned pictures of spiky ball things and legos”