1. You are driving your car at night on an abandoned stretch of highway while you add pins to your GREATEST ROAD TRIP EVER!! board. Your final pin is for a DIY Clutch Purse Made from Upcycled Seatbelts and your description reads “This is so cute! Where am I going to get a dozen seatbelts?? sgsgsgr wreqefn we”

2. You stick an actual, literal pin into each and every item you encounter in the world that pleases you. As a result, you swallow untold numbers of pins from light summer pasta dishes, light summer desserts, and light summer cocktails. By summer’s end, you are dead.

3. After you click on Pin It, you beat yourself about the head with your laptop until you black out. When you come to, you can’t remember if you clicked on Pin It, so you click again, beat yourself about the head again, and continue to drift in and out of consciousness in this way until you’re no longer sure if you’re among the living or you’ve concussed yourself into Purgatory.

4. You have pinned your enemy’s wedding gown to a board entitled DRESSES I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN WEAR LOL. Your enemy murders you.

5. Your outfit is adorable. What great accessories! I love the chunky statement necklace. I don’t like fringe on jackets but maybe I would do denim instead? I wish I could wear this shade of orange. You have been pinned 9437 times.

6. It occurs to you that for all of your pinning, you have very little to show for it. You have curated a stylish, color-coordinated, harmonious virtual world for yourself while wallowing in shame, self-sabotage, and inaction in your colorless reality. You select one of your pins and declare to yourself, “Today is the day I make my own lemon verbena sugar scrub.” You follow the clear instructions provided in the tutorial and divide the scrub into 4-ounce canning jars. The experience is satisfying and gives you a profound sense of accomplishment: not because making your own sugar scrub is so challenging, but because it is so rare, in this age of constant distraction, to commit to seeing any single task through to completion. Your reality and your Pinterest fantasies are, at that moment, blissfully aligned. Your severe lemon verbena allergy was never diagnosed.

7. You pin three Bloody Mary recipes. Bloody Mary herself is released, howling and ravenous, from your iPad.