If it hasn’t happened to you yet, it will. He, and it will be a “he,” will attempt to catch your eye from the other side of the train. You will pointedly ignore him, concentrating even harder on the book in your hand, boring holes into the paper and yet not taking in a single written word. Time will pass, and then he will approach you. You will hear his shoes squeaking as he makes his way closer.
Maybe he’ll sit down. Maybe he’ll just loom over you like an irritating specter. And he’ll ask you, despite every facet of your body language screaming that you do not want to be approached, what he feels is not just an appropriate question, but one that deserves a warm response: “What are you reading?”
By the time he asks this question, you have already lost. You have failed in your quest to get from point A to point B undisturbed. This stranger, whoever he may be that day, will always be a threat to you and your peace, and books are a solid defense, but you must pick your weapon wisely. Like brightly colored beetles in the wild, the book-loving traveler can use her choice of reading material to give a clear message to anyone watching her: “stay away.” Here are some books that do just that.
A Book that is Not a Book, but a Household Object
Try once, instead of bringing a book on the bus, bringing a stapler. Really read that stapler. Examine its contours. Think about exactly how much effort was made to make this object that exists to bind other thinner objects together. NEVER take your eyes off the stapler. Form a relationship with the stapler. LOVE it.
Do you think you’ll get people coming up to you asking you why the hell you’re staring so hard at a stapler? No. No you won’t. Because they will sense that the stapler is more important to you than anything they could ever say.
Feminist Literature
There is something to be said for carrying around a copy of The Feminine Mystique with you wherever you go. It’s like carrying around a cross to ward off demons. People see you holding it and they immediately assume that if they ask you anything about it you’ll go on a long tirade about the Patriarchy and how the 1950’s ruined womynkind’s right to agency outside the home. It’s BRILLIANT.
Depending on where you live, though, you might need to bring in some hardcore RadFem Literature to truly scare people away. Try out Valerie Solanas’ SCUM Manifesto. The woman shot Andy Warhol; you don’t wanna mess with anyone trying to get into HER head.
Ambiguously Erotic Books
Have you ever seen a lady read Fifty Shades Freed on the bus? You’ve probably wanted to sit as far away from them as possible, right? These women have unknowingly mastered a masterful technique for warding off passerby: treat the world as an extension of your bedroom or bathroom.
Maybe you’re too shy to read porn in public. A good substitute tactic is to wrap a book you actually want to read in a rubbishy paper bag. Make it look good and used, though, and make sure that the book isn’t too long. You don’t want to ruin the illusion.
Adolf Hitler’s Mein Kampf
No, but seriously, it’s an interesting look into the mind of a disturbed man, you should read it.
Come On, You Might Say, Can’t I Just Read Game of Thrones?
No.
Here’s how most conversations go when I am foolish enough to bring Clash of Kings onto an airplane.
Stranger: What are you reading?
Me: *Silence*
Stranger: Oh, it’s Clash of Kings! Don’t you love it?
Me: *More silence*
Stranger: Have you gotten to the awfully spoileriffic scene that changes the world of the book forever? Isn’t it great?
That’s when I hit the stranger with the book and I get dragged off by airport security.
A Piece of Paper that Literally Says “Please Don’t Talk to Me”
The trick here is to position the paper so the text is facing you and not the train at large. This is not an invitation. This is a warning to anyone who is almost about to talk to you.
Your High School Diary
This is the only time I advocate responding to anyone who asks you the dreaded question: “What are you reading”? Show them the page detailing the night you lost your virginity, or the night you tried cocaine for the first time, or in the case of my diary, the five-page short story about riding a shopping cart around my school playground alone.
They’ll never want to look you in the eye, much less speak to you, again.
THEIR High School Diary
Not only are you a confirmed bitch with this choice, you also possess supernatural powers. This is, of course, the best position to be in at all times.
When you’re stuck, always remember: when you can’t avoid people, make people avoid YOU.
Tags: books, hollis beck, misandry, public transit
When you can’t avoid people, make people avoid YOU
I want this on a T-Shirt
“in communist Russia, assholes ignore you”
?
So, so brilliant. I lost it at the mental image of bringing Milton’s red Swingline on the train and REALLY making eye contact with it.
My most successful response to “What are you reading?” to date has been to look up, wait just a beat too long, and say, in a calm, serious voice, “I’m not reading.” And then go back to my book.
Marry me.
Bowing before your brilliance.
If only I had learned of your genius before I got on a flight during Thanksgiving when everyone is trying to be extra-friendly to obviate the misery that is modern travel…
I made it through two days of Thanksgiving flying with absolutely zero stranger and seatmate interaction (whew), but this is awesome and I will print it out and share it with anybody who talks to me while I’m flying home for Christmas.
The last time I flew, the man sitting next to me so obviously wanted me to ignore him as much as I wanted him to ignore me that I really felt like we bonded in our silent, antisocial way.
I love those people and whenever they happen to sit next to me, I thank whatever force put them in that seat because there is nothing quite as divine as shared antisocial silence.
I do love sitting in the warm, friendly bubble of mutual silence and disinterest.
GOD, yes.
Did… did you choose your screen name because you have… something in common with the character? Because I imagine fearing beheading/being shot in the back would dissuade people from interrupting you.
My vote is for the stapler, because if a man persists in asking questions about your stapler, you can always just staple him.
Welp, I just burst out cackling in my cubicle.
Yes I do think that was the cleverly disguised subtext.
I have warded off many by reading angst-ridden slashfic.
Works best when it’s for two really manly characters in a really manly franchise! “What are you reading?” “Oh, hardcore porn about Captain America and Falcon doing it in the Reflecting Pool.”
I had the stranger next to me on a flight – at the *very beginning* of that flight – take from my hands the printed out long fanfic I was reading so he and he wife could flip through it. They got what they deserved with that one. I mean what the hell, people! RUDE.
That’s… wow. I cannot imagine a situation where it would be appropriate to take the reading material out of a total stranger’s hands, barring, perhaps, if their printout read “MY PLAN TO HIJACK THIS PLANE” in very large letters on top.
“Ambiguously Erotic Books.” I feel like this is the literary equivalent of when a friend pretended to be my girlfriend and kissed me to get a creeper away at a club. All it does is encourage the worst kind of dude. “Oh, yeah, you’re into Lady Chatterley”s Lover? Can I buy you a drink?” NO, FOREVER AND ALWAYS NO.
I do find that anything by John Milton that is not Paradise Lost is an excellent dude deterrent, though.
Yep – when I was *actually* reading porn (on the kindle) on the bus, and creeper dude asked me what I was reading, I felt that saying it was porn would send out entirely the wrong impression!
Depends on the porn! Harlequin vampire romance, no, erotic novelization of Mein Kampf, yes!
BTVS Giles/Anya filth downloaded from AO3…
I await the day when I have enough courage, and few enough fucks to give, and some knucklehead asks “what are you reading?” that I can stop reading, look up, glare, and deadpan, “nothing, now.”
I’ve discovered that horrendously long epic fantasy is also a good choice. “What are you reading?” “The Way of Kings! It’s over 1,000 pages long and I’m only halfway through!” The key is to be SUPER ENTHUSIASTIC about just how long your book is and then they will go “oh sounds cool” and leave in a hurry, I guess for fear that you’ll try to talk to them about all 1,000 pages.
You have to be careful there though- you hit a nerd and they find out you’re reading Sanderson and they’ll NEVER LEAVE YOU ALONE. *speaks from horrific experience*
“Oh, you’re a *Sanderson* fan! You know, I thought he did Jordan better than even Jordan did, if you know what I mean. Of course you’ve read Steelheart, and I’m pretty sure it’s blatantly ripped off in that new Divergent movie. Have you started at the beginning of his oeuvre? His use of a female hero in Mistborn is genius, wouldn’t you agree? He should just take over the ASoIaF series – it’ll get written so much faster that way. He’s clearly the next big thing in fantasy, but I’ve been a fan of his since Elantris.”
Dear god- were you sitting nearby when this happened to me? Also, well done. All the hair on the back of my neck went up in horror when you compared Steelheart to Divergent. If I had testicles, they would have crawled back up in my body.
100 Days of Sodom surprisingly (or not) is awful for this because it attracts the kind of men who really want to congratulate you for reading the 100 Days of Sodom and also because you’ll presumably have to buy the 100 Days of Sodom (do not read the 100 Days of Sodom)
Alternatively, Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty. The horrified rocking and thousand yard stare will ward off any would-be creep.
Ugh, or Story of O
Captain Awkward suggests responding to ‘what are you reading?’ with ‘the kind of book that you get so absorbed in you want to push the rest of the world away’: http://captainawkward.com/2012/09/15/conversation…
I love this. I love this a lot. But this:
Piece of Paper that Literally Says “Please Don’t Talk to Me”
would never work for me. Yes, I suffer from RAF–Resting Approachable Face–and if someone spotted me carrying such a sign, they would assume it was some form of good-natured irony or mildly flirtatious performance art. When you have RAF, Occam’s Razor is only ever used for splitting hairs.
Resting Approachable Face! I like that much better than what I’ve always called it, Resting Beam Face. What is it about my face that tells you I know where to find that thing you’re looking for?
Oddly, “The Satanic Verses” works really well, too. I took perverse pleasure in announcing its title to anyone who asked and watching them recalculate their life choices. I was shocked at how few people had heard of it and its decidedly undemonic contents. Bonus points: it’s big enough to be used as a weapon.
Not to be confused with “The Satanic Bible” which will get you all kinds of unwanted attention from both concerned old ladies and 15 year old mall goths.
The only think I’ve managed to accomplish through years of riding public transportation is the art of staring down people as I enter the train/bus with a look that says “How dare you make eye contact with me, filthy swine?” I try to channel Tilda Swinton as the White Witch, make sure to get at least one man’s eye contact with that look, then sit down (or stand) and bury my face in my book. I have yet to have anyone approach me after that. Unless it’s to ask for directions (I have Resting I-Know-How-To-Get-There Face).
Yes to Tilda Swinton’s White Witch-this finally has started working for me and it is GLORIOUS.
What I want to know is, what should I do when I *do* want to have an interesting conversation with a stranger? I mean, should I just stare into space with a wistful, bored look while I wait for a likely stranger to sit near me? Sitting around without a book is just so boring!
You turn to a stranger who is not reading, and ask them an interesting question. If they are aloof, you ask another. Repeat.
Also aim for little old ladies, because they have a great many opinions, and limited venues for sharing them.
In addition to being outstanding and timely reading, Stone Butch Blues, I’m finding, is excellent for this.
Probably my most awkward conversation was when I (a 15 year old) had to ask the male bookshop employee where I could find the SCUM Manifesto.
“The what Manifesto?”
“Society for Cutting Up Men.”
I became a womyn that day
In my experience, riding buses with many undergraduates is delightful because they have next to no interest in conversation with cranky-faced adult women.
My mom once sat on a plane next to an unaccompanied 11 year old who spent the first half hour with his nose stuck in a giant book. This book turned out to be Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and when he finished, he was so blown away he turned to my mom and spent the next two hours discussing the plot, his feelings, and what he thought would happen next.
My mom has never read Harry Potter, or seen the movies. She was a little confused. But, she’s a mom, so she buckled in for a two hour slightly disjointed book club led by an 11 year old boy. She’s the best.
That is really adorable.
Prepubescent enthusiasm is the only excuse for talking to strangers about books on planes.
“Oh, I wrote that book, what do you think I should do in the sequel?”
THIS!!!! Because every mom could be mistaken for JK Rowling by an 11 year old that is not hers.
A+ definitely using this on every book someone suggests to me especially if the name on the cover is obviously male.
Even MORE SO if it’s a classic, written hundreds of years ago.
YES.
I once got on the train with a copy of the 16th edition of the Chicago Manual of Style, and a dude smirked at me and said, “You gonna read that whole thing?” GET AWAY FROM ME
I’M IN AWE
I hope you hit him with it.
“Not the whole thing – I’m just *obsessed* with the chapter on footnotes! You will not even BELIEVE what they say about citing blog posts. Don’t you just love CMOS? Or are you an MLA man?”
That oughta do the trick.
Aaaaaaaahahahahah brilliant!
I’d like to nominate the Black Jewels series by Anne Bishop. “Dark” fantasy with some erotica mixed in (oh yes, they taught me a lot in middle school), but also some pretty graphic torture scenes.
I have this fantasy of someone on the bus asking me if that book I’m reading is interesting, and replying “Oh yeah, they just chopped off someone’s dick!” Cue cringes of horror and never being interrupted again.
I found a compilation of “Lovecraft/Cthulhu Mythos-Inspired Erotica” in a used bookstore one time. It seemed pretty mediocre but I wasn’t thinking about this use for it… great idea! Maybe it’s still there. Although I still have qualms about buying used erotica.
Years ago I was reading a Janet Evanovich (I forget which), right around the part where someone got his dick cut off and mailed in a box? If I remember right? i was laughing my ass off (laughing my dick off?), and someone read over my shoulder and was all WTF YOU ARE CRAZY and I just kept laughing.
So yeah, read that one on a bus, is the moral of my story.
I’ve had great results with “Governing the World,” by Mark Mazower. Combine with Serious Posture and a Determined Frown, and weirdly enough, no one wants to pester the woman planning world domination on the subway.
For a little while last year, there would be a kid (teens-ish/twenties-ish) playing loudly on an acoustic guitar and singing loud, offensive lyrics that I hope were his own inventions in the vicinity of the bus stops nearest my job. This was a nowheresville neighborhood, mostly residential, a few boutiques and restaurants, lots of hair salons. Obviously, I thought of him as the Town Troubador, and hated him casually.
One day, the Town Troubador came up to me as I was waiting for the bus and demanded to know what I was reading. I said, “No thank you!” He seemed confused, but persisted. “No, miss, the book! What are you READING?” And I said a drawn-out, dreamy “Nooooooo,” which was so powerful that it actually summoned the bus. It was one of my finest moments of misandry/sorcery.
… I should harness my lack of focus for good. You are an example to us all.
I would like to take lessons from you. Do you charge in baked goods or can I bring you hand knits?
“Feminist Literature”
I have to disagree on this one. Openly reading feminist literature is a brightly flashing invitation to A Certain Type Of Dude to come and start arguing with you about it.
Certain Type Of Dude: “I see you’re reading [feminist book]. Yeah, I’m a big fan, although I identify as “humanist” rather than “feminist” because it’s just so much more inclusive, you know? Now, [feminist book] makes some decent points, which is actually quite impressive given the author’s [lack of formal education/focus on racial divisiveness/angry tone], but if you’ll allow me to play devil’s advocate…”
Me: *sets dude on fire*
Dude always brings up his pro-choice leanings as the ultimate credential, like there’s a gold star just for not being a total asshole in this one way.
What is it with Certain Dudes and not knowing that humanism is actually already a thing (more specifically, a secular ethics thing) rather than a “gender-neutral” version of feminism (scare quotes cuz obviously feminism is already.. you get the point)?
I once had an enthusiastic Certain Dude message me about how he was more of a humanist, really, and never replied when I explained the above to him.
Women can be just as bad as men. Some of them assume that you cannot possibly want to read more than chat. I once rode a bus every day that was infested with a horrible chatterbox who updated the entire bus all about her life every morning. My usual seatmate let me know they were sure she had some sort of mental disorder, so they all pretended to listen. One day, I was riding home after a library trip, and was engrossed in a book I particularly wanted to read. To my horror, she got on and plopped down next to me and started telling me all about her cousin’s flu symptoms. We had never been introduced, and I didn’t even know her name. I tapped my book and said, “Look, I don’t have a lot of time to read except on the bus, and I really wanted to get into this book.” She got up and moved to a different seat and looked horribly offended. Her new seatmate asked her, “Do you know her?” She sniffed, “I THOUGHT I did.” I never had to speak to her again.
You have me thinking of the woman who thought it was a *tragedy* that I was in a bar in a ski resort town alone. I must have been Tragically Lonely. I mean, why else could I possibly be pulling out my laptop at a bar where there is karaoke going on (what, I like playing on my computer while being an appreciative karaoke audience in between taking my turn at the mike, ok?). Laptops are the last resort of the Lonely for keeping occupied, you know! (Like books.) So she kept starting up conversations with me, so I wouldn’t be bored and lonely, because that’s how generous a soul she was.
It was not deep conversation. And every new foray began with her smacking me on the shoulder and saying, “Hey. HEY–” until I turned around and looked at her and not my laptop.
She really thought she was doing me a favor, bless her heart.
One time I got on the train all dressed up because I had just met my bffl for a fancy coffee date. She loaned me a copy of Johnny the Homicidal Maniac (as you do – also I was 20 at the time, if that helps). So I’m leafing through it on the train, when a gentleman leans in and intones, “it’s really a lost art-”
“This book?”
“I mean comics, you know?”
“Oh, these aren’t very arty. Look – *flips to a section where half a page is dedicated to a stick-man running out of a cafe while shitting their pants and also yelling “OH MY GOD! SOMEONE PUT SHIT IN *MY* PANTS!” (the letters are an inch tall)*
That was when he decided to stop talking to me.
The next day we found out that we have the same morning commute, but we did it in silence. As it was intended.
fin.
I mean, I’ve had friendly conversations with people about books. I’ve also noticed that if you sit next to a small child and turn on your smartphone, the child will stare at it pretty obviously (this is when all those cute kitten pics you’ve been saving from imgur come in handy), also one time reading obnoxiously over a stranger’s shoulder got me a date.*
*he was an asshole, but hot.
*giggling forever*
I would have written Jhonen Vasquez a thank-you note for that one. I might even have attempted to draw the scene. It would have been at least as well drawn as Happy Noodle Boy.
Even worse than the people who demand to know what you are reading are those that want to know what it is about when I’m about 50 pages into a thousand + page book!
This is my greatest triumph:
“What are you reading?”
“Population genetics papers.”
“I know a LOT about population genetics.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. It’s the future of biology.”
“Cool. I have… eight problems involving calculating f-values due in 45 minutes, and only the foggiest idea on how to apply the Hardy-Weinberg equation in each case. We’ll begin with calculating inbreeding effects in the Speke’s gazelle.”
“Oh this is my stop!” *Leaves train* *re-enters train one car down*
I know very little about population genetics, and now I want to run into you on a train.
This also reminds me of the time a lady messaged me on okcupid to ask me about my master’s thesis. I answered her question somewhat thoroughly. I did not hear from her again.
I like to combine headphones with a book, even if I don’t have music playing. That way, when someone approaches me, I can pretend to not hear them OR see them. I also refuse to answer verbally when someone approaches me to ask what I’m reading. I just flip the title of the book at them, refuse to make eye contact, and go back to the book.
When neither this tactic OR headphones works, I reaffirm my desire to go live in with the amazon tribes from Xena Warrior Princess where men are killed on sight.
I then try to communicate this with my eyes.
I do this too, but then if I’m getting near my stop and I put my stuff away and look up and notice an older person or a pregnant person or a person with a physical disability who is standing because no one offered them a seat I feel SO GUILTY.
I’ve had that happen- the guilt is the WORST. I’ll try to furtively side eye the bus occupants occasionally now, to make sure I’m not freezing out an elderly person of a seat.
I have to comment again, because evidently reading in public is my crucible. I’ve been burned by the erotic book thing. When 50 Shades was all the rage, I was reading outside on my lunch break (NOT erotica- it was about an assassin and his feels). This bro and a bunch of his friends settled around me. They refused to believe that I wasn’t reading 50 Shades. They then told me that all women who were reading books in public currently were reading 50 Shades. They informed me that women like reading it so much because they could get sexy feels from it. They again refused to believe I was not reading 50 Shades. Finally I showed them the book, looked the leader in the eye and told him “It’s about an assassin. He spends the book killing people. LOTS of people.”
I swear to god, I got more shit from strangers about reading in public when 50 Shades was popular because I MIGHT be reading it then I ever did before that damn book was published.
hahahahahahahahahah
That’s all. Love it.
I'm going to handcraft a fake book cover titled "Vaginal Knitting Projects to try During your Menstrual Cycle: Yarn Dying the Easy Way" that I can disguise any novel inside. I think I could make a fortune on Etsy with this idea…
Alternatively, Anne Rice's Sleeping Beauty. The horrified rocking and thousand yard stare will ward off any would-be creep.
That's when you turn to him, give him a wordless and excruciatingly slow, head to toe appraisal and then say, "No, but you could sure use it"
Re. not-book objects: knitting/crocheting/handcrafting only works if you pair it with headphones. Otherwise you get the inevitable:
What are you knitting?
It’s a [name of item].
Oh, that’s so cool! I wish I could knit/I used to knit/my [female relative] taught me to knit when I was young. I don’t do it anymore. *smug tone* I don’t have time. You must be so relaxed! Can you make me a [name of item]? How much would you charge?
People who interrupt me when I’m knitting don’t seem to notice that I’m carrying *needles* that could stick them in uncomfortable places.
Go for some 20th Century Russian Literature. If it doesn’t scare people off, the book is probably heavy enough to give someone a concussion with!
this! Having been brought up a humanist, and now ever so stridently a feminist, I've always been quite confounded by the thought that these are somehow mutually exclusive categories espousing different sides of a debate. Nope nope nope.