Previously in this series.
I don’t usually write about depression.
I write. I write a lot. I write a lot about pop culture. I never write about me.
I used to be on anti-depressants. I started them around the end of my first marriage. I was prescribed Prozac, the standard generic pill of the time. The problem was, I didn’t have health insurance. Yet I found a way to prove to the City of Alexandria how broke I was, and saw a shrink once a month who would refill me for another 30 days. Once I was employed and once again deemed worthy of insuring, Prozac turned to Lexapro to Zoloft to Effexor. That last one was the killer. The shrink I had just kept upping the dosage every month.
Life was going downhill fast with a dad, a father-in-law, and a brand-spanking-new husband all in various stages of chemo for a variety of life-threatening cancers. They say one in three die of cancer. In this lottery, number three was my dad. The shrink just kept doubling the dosage. Until one day I went to a doctor with a headache and they discovered my blood pressure was “in stroke territory.” (It must have been bad. The nurses stared at me like I might drop dead on them any second.)
Dying seemed like a bad idea, so I weaned, brain shivers and all. This fall marks the first time I haven’t been on any selective serotonin norepinephrine reuptake modulating stimulators, Tricyclic, Tetracyclic, Monoamine or otherwise. And I was okay! I was eating well, exercising, and even finding time for hobbies. It was all going swimmingly, until we reached Halloween.
***
I have always hated the end of Daylight Savings Time. But I never knew until this year why that was. Sunset at 4:30pm hits like a ton of bricks, and there’s still another thirty minutes left before I have to go sit in cold, dark traffic to fight my way to the suburbs. Suddenly the exercise routine I was so proud of myself for starting after the horrors of last year seemed like too much, and I abandoned it just as I had during the first week of November for the last three years running. My knitting projects, the ones that have a hard deadline at the end of December? They’re turning into cat beds. They turned into cat beds at this time last year, too, and I blamed the weaning and the cancer. They turned into cat beds two years ago too — I forget what the excuse was then. But there is always an excuse.
What really brought it home was when we went to a dinner party hosted by my lovely foodie friends. It was 5pm on a Sunday night. I was looking forward to it Saturday, during the day, when I shopped. I was looking forward to it Sunday, during the day, while we prepped. And then the sun set at 4:30pm, and I didn’t want to go. Go out? What was I doing? I didn’t want to leave the house. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. I couldn’t go. It was too much — far, far too much — to ask me to get in a car and go somewhere so very late.
So very late? My husband glanced at the second round of football, just starting. Our racist-ass team hadn’t even taken the field yet. What was wrong with me?
The dark. The dark was what was wrong. With the dark and the night come the thoughts. Anyone with depression knows the thoughts. The thoughts don’t care what your plans were. The thoughts don’t care if you’re still at work and this Excel spreadsheet is due by close of business. The thoughts don’t care if you want to write a 2000-word post for tomorrow. The thoughts run on their own schedule. The thoughts really like it when it’s cold and dark. With no masking and no pills, it was becoming very clear that winter did more of a number on me than I’d ever realized.
I’m sure I could go back to a doctor, and maybe another shrink. They’ll tell me I have SAD, the worst fucking acronym for something that makes it so you’ve ceased to function. Seasonal Affective Disorder? Clearly a phrase invented by the same asshole who named the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division. You haz a sad. Here, haz a druggie.
But drugs don’t stop it. They only mask it. The treadmill still gathers dust, the food in the fridge rots, and I get home so incredibly late at night at 5:45pm and crawl under the couch blankets by 6pm because I can’t possibly be expected to do anything when it’s so dark out and so late at night and everything is so awful.
The worst part is, no one takes me seriously. Heck, I don’t even quite take me seriously. How can I take an illness seriously with such a stupid-sounding acronym?
There’s a lady in our office with a sunlight lamp. She paid for it and brought it in herself. But she sits towards the back, with layers of cubicle walls between her and any windows. Somehow that makes it okay, sort of, though there are still coworkers who refer to it as “her hippy dippy light.”
We are a progressive office. There are yoga ball chairs, standing desks, a liberal work-from-home policy, and a tendency to hire people who live very close to the office so everyone can walk/bike to work and reduce our collective carbon footprint. But when I asked if I could have a sunlight for my desk, I was turned down. After all, I sit by a window.
How does one explain the window is the problem? I sit by the window, and I watch the cold and the dark take over the world every day as I age under fluorescent waves of sadness. All I can do is count the days until March.
Tags: ani bundel, depression, health, seasonal affective disorder, winter
I feel you, Ani. This is my life right now.
Go out? What was I doing? I didn’t want to leave the house. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep.
Oof, right in the heart-bone. Yup, that’s winter: a long string of not-really-days that slip away before I even know they’ve happened, and suddenly it’s dark. Too dark to do anything. Night. During bad winters, it’s hard for me to believe anyone would go out in that, as if it were a harrowing rain of sleet and misery. Even during good winters, my natural inclination is to stay in after dark.
though there are still coworkers who refer to it as “her hippy dippy light.”
With all the compassion and understanding in the world*, I say FUCK THOSE PEOPLE IN THE EAR THEY SHOULD SHUT THEIR GODDAMNED MOUTHS ONCE IN A WHILE SHUT IT.
It never fails to amaze me how casually cruel we can be to each other about the small accommodations we all need to make to get our bodies and minds through tough times.
I’ve been wondering about a light box, and I know I’m nowhere near alone; there have recently been discussions here about how they work, for whom, what usage patterns and what style of box different users find most helpful. I’m all lit up with curiosity about it: would it make a difference? Or would it just become one more piece of clutter littering my home? And isn’t it worth a hundred bucks to find out? But when I don’t need it, it’s hard to imagine buying it, and when I do need it, it’s hard to imagine making the series of decisions that would allow me to buy it.
Man, if it helps her through the winter, why should anyone care or mind enough to poke even the gentlest fun at it? But of course they do. We’re all the worst, including me.
*Okay, maybe not all the compassion and understanding.
If you want to try it out without dropping a hundred bucks, I have this one: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00761HREI/ref=pe_385040…
I dunno if the more expensive ones are better, I kind of suspect they may be– I find the light a little jarring, but I do think it’s helping overall!
On a toastie’s recommendation (don’t remember whose, but thanks!), I bought this one: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004JF3G08/ref=o…
I’ve only been using it for a week, but I like it so far.
I have been using one off and on for the past couple winters and I do recommend. Recently, I’ve gotten very diligent about sitting in front of it (with morning coffee, laptop, etc) for an hour in the morning while I do some work. I now (at least feel like!) I notice a difference in energy and general outlook on the days I skip it! And since we’re all comparing brands, mine is something like this one – <a href="http://www.amazon.com/NatureBright-SunTouch-Plus-Light-Therapy/dp/B000W8Y7FY/ref=sr_1_10?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1421952382&sr=1-10&keywords=energy+lamp" target="_blank"> ;http://www.amazon.com/NatureBright-SunTouch-Plus-…
[ETA after reading down thread: the one I have is one of the cheapest 10,000 lux lamp on Amazon, fyi!)
I have the same one as paddlepickle; got it at Bed Bath & Beyond with one of their ubiquitous coupons for about 10 bucks less than this. Seems to help.
People are stupid and cruel and have very little compassion. I brought mine into work last winter and people were assholes about it, even though I was in a mostly empty row. The dude who came in high off his ass every fucking day complained it was too bright. Maybe if you weren’t so high, it wouldn’t be. Even the ones it didn’t affect were kind of jerks, because that’s what happens when you show any kind of weakness, at least in my (former) workplace. Then I realized I did better using it first thing in the morning when I woke up so I took it home. Then dude was like “oh hey what happened to your light?”
If you have SAD, light therapy really does help. If I go more than a day or two without using mine, I get horribly anxious and depressed. However, not all lights work for all people. Time of day, type of light, amount of time are different for everyone. It might take some trial and error, but when you figure it out, it’s 100% worth the investment. I have this one. It’s big, but the light feels like sunlight. http://www.amazon.com/Day-Light-Classic-Bright-Li…
This was beautifully written and heartbreaking. The part about suddenly having no energy for something you were looking forward to is painfully familiar. I’m so sorry you’ve had such a rough few years, and that you ended up with such a terrible shrink!
I hope this suggestion isn’t impertinent, but even if you’re not interested in trying drugs again, I would really recommend finding a new therapist– maybe even one who is a LCSW rather than a psychologist, so that wouldn’t even be on the table. I have had one this winter for the first time and it’s helped me immeasurably.
Also, I can’t believe your office turned down your sunlight request– you could point out to them that during the winter you still don’t get enough sun even if you’re outside all day. But if they continue to reject you, they can help at home as well! I use mine in the mornings before work.
I also can’t help wondering if seeing a therapist who would prescribe a light box might be the push you need to get your workplace to take your need seriously.
The thoughts run on their own schedule.
Jesus fuck do they ever. Thanks for writing this, Ani, I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who will feel a little less alone by reading it.
Amen. I need to make my spouse read this the next time he exasperatedly asks “why are you crying?!”
Oh the windows at work are torture. I sit by giant windows, which is lovely at noon but agonizing at 4pm when it’s dark outside and I have 90 more minutes of work and then an hour commute to then walk my dog in the pitch black night and then sit on the couch feeling like there was no actual day today.
I have a light box at home and I use it daily as of this winter, but I haven’t noticed a discernible difference, unfortunately.
This video speaks to me on all of that.
I found that this book’s instructions for using a light box work really well. http://thedepressioncurebook.com/. And there is no need to use the light box at work, or anywhere else jerks might make fun of you. It has to be a real light box, though, those “sunlight” lamps don’t do anything.
And the book’s other advice (exercise, omega-3s, sleep hygeine) was good, too.
Wait what is a “real” light vs a “sunlight” lamp? How do I tell the difference?
The light used in peer-reviewed studies on SAD is 10,000 lux. As far as I know, the only brand/model that is recommended is the Day-Light Sky 10,000 LUX Bright Light Therapy Lamp. I got mine from Amazon.
Sympathy and commiseration here–struggling with SAD on top of the life stuff you have gone through sounds really tough, and I am sorry you are having to deal with it. This winter hit me harder than ever, and it has been difficult to get through the days. December was the worst. Now it’s getting easier. I upped my daily Vitamin D dosage to 5,000 IU, which has helped. I would like to get a light box, because many people I know swear by them (I live in the far north, and a lot of people suffer from SAD). I also found that the “Blues Away” tea made by Yogi Tea helped a bit. Even if it’s just a placebo, whatever works, right? Anyway, I hope things get easier for you soon.
Get the light box! Use it for half an hour before work. And on those dark Sunday afternoons. Every bit helps.
I live in Portland, OR and I used to live in Syracuse, NY so for the past 15 years I’ve lived in some of the greyest places in the country. And yet still I spend most of the winter wondering WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?? until we have a sunny day and I realize, for the one thousandth time, that it was the weather. I’ve joked about getting a “it’s the weather, stupid” tattoo for my forehead but even when I am, in my smart person brain, aware that it’s probably the weather, my lizard brain is not buying it. Until the sun comes out. Repeat loop ad nauseum.
We’re almost there. Sort of.
Oh yeah, I’m exactly the same way. I think it’s because depression and anxiety feel so. . .Big and Existential to me, that it’s hard for me to admit that they can really just come down to the weather or not getting enough vitamins or sleeping enough.
Ugh, I was on Effexor for several months and changing the dosage (in either direction) was always so rough. I decided to come off of it when I realized that the drug had become the primary source of upsetting emotions in my life, rather than something to ease said emotions.
Has anyone had any success easing SAD with vitamin D? And/or just feeling a little more alive via vitamin D? I live in the cold frozen north and don’t ski so I might as well live underground for all the sunlight I get.
Yes. My experience with antidepressants was a living hell, to the point where I figured I’d just live with the seasonal blahs of dragging myself to work and back home. The depression overall was helped by actually dealing with some of the issues around it, so I may not have the biochemistry associated with serious depression? But I still get sluggish and depressed in the winter, unless I stay on top of taking large amounts of vitamin D, and, weirdly, a B complex.
I am very careful to stay well under the toxic dose of vitamin D, but I do take 5k to 7k most days. I can notice a difference in as little as 7 or 8 days if I get lazy and stop taking it. I start coming home from work and ‘taking a nap’, meaning, really, going to bed at 6 or 7, and projects that seemed like fun sit on the floor. Once I get the vitamin D train going again, though, I quit having to ‘nap’ and start getting things done again. I wonder if that’s part of the reason the lights work, and why the true daylight ones are important–they get the body to make more vitamin D?
I don’t have depression, but I have felt better this winter than most, and I’m crediting vitamin D. I started taking it because I read a thing saying that in Canada, your chances of getting enough from sunlight are pretty low. I just take one of the 400 IU pills every morning, and that seems to be enough to have made a difference.
Of course, it could just be the placebo effect and/or the fact that we’re having a weirdly mild winter where I live.
I take 1,000 IU a day combined with using a full spectrum lamp, and it’s made my winters much better. I live in Chicago where winter sunlight is pretty scarce.
I started taking 2000 iu of vitamin D a day and noticed a real difference (let’s say a medium difference, it wasn’t like night and day) within a few days. I’m probably going to try a bit more to see if there’s more improvement. I have a basement apartment in Canada so SAD is a real concern.
YES. I take two gummy vitamins worth. I actually had a filled zoloft prescription but decided to try ONE LAST THING and the vitamin D helped so much. Last winter I was a crying mess every cloudy day, this winter there are definitely DAYS but it’s not quite as hopeless feeling.
Yeah, I noticed a difference. I actually got diagnosed as Vit D deficient by my doctor a few years back, based on a blood test she ran during a routine physical. I didn’t notice any difference when taking the Vit D until the winter, when my long-standing mild SAD suddenly just… wasn’t there, or at least wasn’t nearly as bad.
I tend to double-up on my dosage over the winter. The oil pills are more effective, D3 is more effective, and 1K-2K IU is the typical dosage. But the blood test is cheap if you want to see if you’re actually deficient before starting this.
Totally sucks and I’m sorry and always remember this is a brain chemistry thing and not a moral failing.
BUT since it sounds like you haven’t tried a sun lamp, I second or fifth or whatever the recommendation for a 10,000 lux lamp that you use for half an hour when you wake up. You could also get one of the less expensive (and less prominently A Device b/c eff your coworkers but also I get not wanting to worry about that) sunlight-mimicking desk lights.
It’s not enough to bring on the vitamin d and circadian rhythm regulation, but the soft full-spectrum light may make you *feel* cheerier and stave off the dark outdoors.
Vitamin D supplements/multivitamins, having green plants around, and (you know this) exercise all also can help manage the blahness.
These are symptom-managing, not cures, and I know doing things to manage depressive symptoms feels next to impossible, but they may help. Especially if next year you start a few weeks before your symptoms. Good luck and many cozy blankets to you.
Thank you for this piece — it makes me feel much less alone right now. Especially the line about the knitting projects! (I have blankets no done for babies that were born weeks ago)
Wow, is this pertinent. I’ve told my husband, repeatedly, in the last few days, that I think we might need to move in a southerly direction for this reason. (We’re about an hour south of Canada in eastern Washington.)
Has anyone here had the experience of moving toward the light and noticing an improvement?
well, I’ve had the reverse experience. I lived in the mid atlantic/south (maryland) and then moved to new england for grad school, and my SAD is much worse here. (also grad school sucks the life out of you and academia is a pyramid scheme, but I got tested and am vitamin d deficient, so I can’t blame it *all* on grad school.)
I feel like I have mirror-image SAD, maybe someone can empathize? I love fall and winter, the dark and the cold and the very cold, snow, I don’t even mind rain if I have an umbrella. I have more energy, too, and am forever taking walks, always walking everywhere. Summer on the other hand – forget it. Physically I’ll feel awful, completely drained, heavy, lifeless, low blood pressure, and my depression worsens noticably with it: I can’t concentrate at all, have no self-esteem or really esteem for anyone or anything; everything will seem cruel and bleak and I with it; the sun will be cruel and relentless etc., always too high and too bright, always being stupidly up; everyone will be either complaining that summers used to be hotter or standing next to me on public transport wearing no deodorant or being süper chipper with a strangely forced air, like WE MUST GO THE LAKE NOW AT HIGH NOON BECAUSE VITAMIN D IS HEALTHY AND FUN IN THE SUN IS FUN AND THE BEER IS COLD and it all just doesn’t agree with me, a nocturnal princess underneath layers of level 5000 sunscreen, passive-aggressively spraying herself with thermal water, who hates beer and everything else, particularly heat. Sorry if I sound like an asshole, I just really hate summer and am glad that it’s January right now and that I’m on the Northern hemisphere for it and I guess I will just quietly move to Northern Scotland or Norway brb
I wish you and everyone else who suffers during winter all the best! All the infrared lamps and tea and blankets and all the time and cries you need to take. At least we can be assured that whatever season we hate, it will end, it won’t be quite as hard forever.
“Reverse SAD” is rarer, but real. I developed it after having thyroid cancer and have to up the anti-depressants from November to late March (Southern Hemisphere). I can’t sleep for more than a few hours, and not at all after dawn, my blood pressure drops in warm weather, and the thyroid problems mean I don’t deal with heat very well. (I probably don’t deal with severe cold well either, but that’s not an issue where I live – it only hits freezing a few times a year.) So much sympathy to you, and also to our winter-hating kin.
Please get a light, and sit in front of it at least 15 minutes a day. I call mine my “happy light.” With Prozac, exercise, caffeine, vitamin D, and less sugar, winter in the Pacific Northwest can be survived. Get outdoors even when it’s cloudy. Also, in fall, count the days until the Solstice, when the darkness begins to lift. Then watch the time of sunrise get earlier and sunset get later. You can make it!
I’m glad this is being discussed. Lots of support for using light therapy with a good light therapy device. It’s not so important to have one at work, instead, it’s most important to use the light therapy device first thing in the morning, before work. Most people find it really tough to get going, but after a few days, most people find it a lot easier to get up and that feeling of needing tons of sleep or feeling groggy all the time gets better. I put together a handout on how to find a good device and how to use it properly. If you have genuine SAD and not something else, light therapy is really effective, with most people seeing a lot of benefit. But it’s easy to not do it correctly by buying the wrong device or using the device incorrectly. This handout helps you to do it properly:
http://www.portlanddepressiontreatment.com/wp-con…
This is so familiar to me too. I live in Scotland, and in December sunset is around 2.30pm. And every winter I feel like it is the worst yet, and that I might not survive that one. It starts getting a little bit better in January, but man, it’s like fighting a war every year.
This is going to sound like a weird question, but as someone who has lived in both Syracuse and Portland, how do they compare? I ask because I spent many years in the former but have always wondered what it's like to live in the latter. I know this is incredibly vague, but I would love to hear your take on living in Portland.
Can I tell you I heard a technical term for this being Summer-Onset Seasonal Affective Disorder (literally SO SAD), which on the one hand is hilarious, and on the other makes me think that this is the kind of thing that makes people not take this stuff seriously.
I myself don't know if I actually have it, but I do know that I hate the summer: I always feel super-agitated. If I don't have things to do that keep me physically busy I start to feel like I want to jump out of my skin, but at the same time being outside is mostly miserable. I have trouble sleeping. I hate when the sun is coming through my blinds all day because it makes me feel like I should be outside doing something, even if I have less than no desire to. My natural habits are more fall/winter/spring oriented (reading, taking walks, going to coffee shops, etc.). I hate being out in the sun. My mother can lie out in the sun all day long, but after like 5 minutes I feel like the heat is completely oppressive. During any kind of outdoor festival (anytime when I'll be sitting outdoors) I have to be in the shade. Additionally, the smells are godawful. I have a sensitive nose already and the smells during summer, especially on public transport, make me nauseated.
The only time I actually like being out and about in the summer is taking walks right before thunders storms, when the wind kicks up and you can smell it in the air.
Not SO-SAD, but related: this past summer I was living in Scotland, and my insomnia was much worse b/c it didn't get dark. The nights got shorter and shorter, the sun was coming up about 3am (and even at 1am it was still a bit light) and I wandered around in a daze of insomnia. Sunshine is all fun and games until someone wants to sleep!
I’m in the same boat. I get by with a light box and Welbutrin (which is NOT an SSRI). You might also want to get your Vitamin D levels checked. Mine trend low and when there is less light our bodies make less Vitamin D. One of the symptoms of Vitamin D deficiency is depression.