THIS GROWN-UP VERSION OF “ANNIE” IS GONNA PEEL AND EAT THEM I GUESS
THAT’LL MESS ‘EM UP REAL BAD
NO
TELL HER YOU FUCKED THE SKY AND THE CONCEPT OF REGRET BOTH AT THE SAME TIME
PUT A HAT ON THEM OR SOMETHING?
WHY ARE SO MANY MILLENNIALS “KICKING THEMSELVES RIGHT IN THE MOUTH UNTIL THEY DIE”
PUT YOUR BRAIN HOUSE THROUGH THE BIG HOLE
PUT YOUR HAND-NECKS OR “ARMS” THROUGH THE OPPOSITE HOLES
YOU CANNOT LIVE INSIDE THE POCKET NO MATTER HOW TINY AND WARM AND SAFE IT MAKES YOU FEEL
IT’S A SHIRT WITH A SECRET
IT’S GOT EXTRA SKIN ON IT
“THE ASS”
FINALLY YOU’LL JUST BE A HEAD DIRECTLY RESTING ON TOP OF A PILE OF ABS
REMEMBER IT’S IN YOUR BLOOD AND WHATNOT A GOOD PERCENTAGE OF THE TIME
MAKE A GIRLFRIEND OUT OF PROTEIN POWDER AND CALL HER TO SEE IF YOU CAN GET ON HER CAR INSURANCE
IF YOU’RE NOT CAREFUL YOU COULD SLIDE STRAIGHT INTO NOVEMBER WITHOUT EVER SEEING THE SUN
THEY’RE GONNA WANT TO TOUCH YOUR BUTT
#11 SQUAT OVER IT LIKE A PROUD MOTHER HEN AND REVERSE-GIVE BIRTH TO IT
THE OLD REASONS WERE GARBAGE AND SO ARE YOU
Oh God, my coworkers think I’m dying because I just laughed/coughed/barked/snorted so loudly and it sounded like a strangled goose.
Same.
This is why I am reading this in my lunch hour, safely secluded
I’m reading this on the DL while my boss is talking and I can’t stop giggling, specifically at “IT’S GOT EXTRA SKIN ON IT”
Why the fuck is there a Womens Health section in goddamn Men’s Health? One that seems targeted to educate women about men, nonetheless! Men’s Health is about the last place I’d trust to read a Womens Health column, after like, Aquarium Keepers Monthly and The Home Butcher and Your Guide to Telephone Repair.
Sure, you say that now, but wait until you have to poop and can’t figure out how.
I had no idea how to poop until I read about it in American Window Cleaner Magazine.
Apparently you’ve got to massage some part of your body but I have no idea which part.
Men’s Health apparently does not distinguish between health advice for women and health advice for kittens.
Although a clickbait-for-kittens website would do really well, just saying.
Just massage them one by one, using the process of elimination.
I prefer to get my Women’s Health news from Horse & Rider.
Who’s the horse and who’s the rider?
Some folks out there are just real confused, hence the articles about ‘how to poop’ and ‘some penises look funny’ and ‘what to do with breasts’
“Honey, I just read some interesting things about your body in Men’s Health. Have a seat and let me mansplain them to you.”
Now I can’t stop thinking of why The Home Butcher would have a Women’s Health column. Thanks.
Ways to butcher and prepare meat in order to optimize its iron-giving potential during menstruation?
I like your version infinitely better. Yeah, why don’t we just go with that.
I needed this so badly, and yet I never knew I needed it until it was created. At last, I know how to wear a shirt with a pocket!
(BUT WAIT I AM NOT A MAN, CAN I STILL WEAR A SHIRT WITH A POCKET)
(WHAT IF IT HAS A POCKET WITCH)
Don’t be absurd, everybody knows that women’s clothes don’t have pockets. It is a conspiracy of the Purse Industrial Complex to force us into buying handbags.
I really want to know what Men’s Health thinks is the crazy thing horny women do.
I mean, butt touching is pretty out there.
Man: So…you’ve just been kneading my butt for 45 minutes…are we going to have sex?
Woman: Nope. (continues to knead)
4 signs that you might be dating a cat
Impale men on their horns
SPOILER–it’s clickbait within clickbait! (that is, a link to a Huffington Post story) (DOUBLE SPOILER: I clicked….apparently they don’t mind that you’re all dirty and gross and stuff)
What if *I* mind though? (that’s why “Wide Sargasso Sea” didn’t appeal to me as much as “Jane Eyre”. Ooooh, steamy SULTRY TROPICAL NIGHTS! No. I had enough of that Cub Scout camping in the Everglades. I don’t necessarily want to end up covered in sweat, but that happens, but I really don’t want to START there.)
I’m just replying to say I am here for ew no sex when sweaty thanks.
If you don’t know what to do with her breasts, Men’s Health is probably not going to be the best source. I can almost guarantee their methodology didn’t involve having a conversation with a woman.
DON’T GET ME STARTED ON BAREFOOT RUNNING I have a friend and that’s almost all she posts about on Twitter. I’m glad she’s happy, but my feet are staying in shoes where they will not encounter broken glass, thanks.
I hope that whole article just said JIGGLE in size 72 font.
This made me giggle way too much. Apparently I am 9 years old. Hee hee hee…
Totally had a dude try that. He also tried smacking them against each other like those silver balls on strings that you used to see on the desks of Important Executive Men in the 90s.
He was a less-than-satisfying lay.
WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT
DID HE THINK IT WOULD BE ENJOYABLE FOR YOU
Straight boys amaze me more and more every day.
“Boobs are weird. I’m not really a boob guy, but I guess I could kind of start liking them? *jiggles them* Huh. *smacks them together* Hey, that was kind of fun!”
Same dude told me “There are two kinds of women – women who have come from penetration and women who haven’t yet.” Um, no. Biologically, NO.
I wish I had an excuse for why I slept with him (I was in love! The chemistry was amazing!) but like, ultimately, I should not have been surprised with how disappointing the sex actually was. (I am happy to report the next guy I slept with was amazing and attentive and creative and asked how I felt about different activities before trying them.)
The best part of it is “shoes that mimic barefoot running”. You still need equipment, obviously. Don’t half-ass this.
1. Explain to them about movies that they haven’t seen.
2. Explain to them about movies that they have seen but didn’t like because they probably didn’t understand.
3. Explain to them some things, just as an exercise, for fun, like about how feminism isn’t real and neither are they.
I really hope this is a list of things men should do with women’s boobs.
“Now, listen you two, we need to have a talk. No, no, just listen.”
Yes of course!
4. Explain to them, very carefully, the points Woody Allen is trying to make about the alienation of the modern urban man.
YES. He is so misunderstood, boobs! So under-appreciated!
I feel like there is some sort of Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex*
(*But Were Afraid to Ask)
reference that could be made at this juncture, but then that was just one giant boob running amok across the countryside.
I must point out because I never quite get my internet nuance right that I am not a fan of Woody Allen’s, but do appreciate this image.
I was never the most enormous fan of his, even when I was relatively young and didn’t know anything about his personal life, but I did always find his movies with LESS of him in them more relatable and appealing, which basically applies to the above and also Bullets Over Broadway.
My friend dee recently dressed as a boob and ran cross country for charity. Were you there too? did you see her amok-ing? damn, dee, you couldn’t just raise money with cakes, like normal girls do? *rolls eyes*
HAND-NECKS.
“Brain house” got me good. Hand necks just seemed to follow logically from there.
Pretty sure that if you eat yogurt you actually turn into Jamie Lee Curtis, a Woman.
But that solves the question of how to poop, so.
Not if it comes in a SPORTY BLACK X-TREME ARMORED MACH 342 YOGURT-TRANSPORT VESSEL like the FOR MEN1!! yogurt at my grocery store! Then it transforms you into a man who could best Jamie Lee Curtis in an arm-wrestling match!
The package is a lie. No man can beat Jaime Lee Curtis in an arm-wrestling match.
Have you touched the package? It has actual abs molded into the container. Yogurt abs. I’m kind of still creeped out by them, actually.
Mallory, Mallory…
(and balls)
MEN’S HEALTH STYLE TEAM!
Sadly for them the Vogue Style Team beats them regularly at softball
This article has exceeded my capacity for passing off a laugh as a cough. I will have to finish reading it when my office is empty.
“Shirt pockets are essentially where fashion meets function.”
Uh.
I mean, not to be pedantic, but aren’t shirts where fashion meets function?
God what do I have to do to get to be the Men’s Health Style Blogger?
“What about shirt pockets?”
HAVE YOU CONSIDERED FALLS OF LACE AT YOUR COLLAR INSTEAD?
“I’m worried that my suit is a little plain”
EMBROIDER EVERYTHING WITH GOLD
“are hats in this season?”
YES JEWEL-ENCRUSTED HATS IN THE SHAPE OF A SERPENT COILING UPON YOUR BROW THAT THE ASSYRIANS WILL KNOW YOUR ABSOLUTE DOMINION OVER THE NILE DELTA
You’ve got my vote. Is there something I need to sign to make this happen, or…?
I think you’ll do, as Lord Akeldama is otherwise occupied.
BIFFY.
Can we start a kickstarter or something – I need this NOW.
I vote for all of these to be the new men’s fashions. I can’t wait to read discussion boards of men looking for new embroidery patterns.
Look, I still feel that you need to consider the benefits of the ancient Egyptian vulture crown okay.
A) made of gold
B) a snake is just a snake but a vulture will straight up vomit on its own feet to cool off
Where there any tips on how I can get more muscles on my hand-necks? I know ladies love a dude with bulging hand-necks.
Oh, men.
Why are you so ridiculous?
We can’t help it. We have the same relationship with ridiculousness that balloons have to helium: it’s the only thing keeping us afloat when we’re young, and although it leaks out over time, by that point we’re too saggy to do anyone any good.
Because of the bumpy yoghurt, OBVIOUSLY!
Obviously.
*whips her yogurt smooth*
Can anyone tell me which type of protein powder is best for making a girlfriend out of? I mean, if I use hemp protein powder will she be all crunchy granola and not shave her legs?
Have you considered whey protein? She’ll be all: I’m not even friends with any girls, I like to eat burgers, I don’t consider myself a feminist. Also she may taste like cheese?
For a fertile girlfriend, use egg proteins.
For an easily startled girlfriend, use whey.
For a tomboy girlfriend, beef jerky.
I’m perturbed by the scissors clip art next to Your Guide to Uncircumcised Penis article…I mean, I’m no doctor but scissors seems like a bad place to start.
The Universal Life Church ordains mohels now, apparently.
“snip art”
omg.
Started playing the “would make a good band name” game, can’t stop.
“HELLO MINNEAPOLIS, we’re February Food Trap! This next one’s called “Why People Fixate on Numbers” off our new album “Your Car’s On Fire, Now What?”
Shh, you’re giving postrock bands ideas for song names!
I personally expect February Food Trap to be opening for the Kinky Wizards any minute.
I mean, it’s not just any band who can get Jack Black to sing Marvin Gaye at your Top Five Records release party.
The girl next door is hiding in my closet?
“Shit, this is your closet? The landlord’s been charging me $1700 a month for this place! I had to sell my clothes for rent money! Fucking Brooklyn real estate.”
Joke’s on her, she’s in the one I don’t use! (LAWLLZZ!! I live in a cheap neighborhood in Atlanta with two bedrooms!) (The assorted AV cables in there are probably a strangulation risk)
http://www.theonion.com/articles/jumbled-nest-of-…
DYING.
(But it’s your abdomen, it’s actually your abdomen that you should massage if you want to poop, in a gentle but firm circular clockwise motion focusing on the large intestine. I’m sorry, I dated a massage therapist for 4.5 years, I can’t help myself.)
Hey, even involuntary muscles get a charley horse, whaddaya gonna do?
What… what happens if you go counterclockwise instead.
Do you get the food back?
do you reverse-birth something
I double-dare you to try it.
“What was the cause of death?”
“Poop massage.”
“Ah, another Men’s Health reader.”
I remember that from my baby-care books, there was a whole thing about abdomen massage for making infants fart.
It’s been 19+ years since I read it, but some things just stick, ya know?
My gallbladder hurts and all this laughing is making it worse. Do you have a medical license? Well, DO you?
I onced talked to someone who worked on cover shoots for Men ‘s Health and apparently getting someone cover ready is a grueling six week ordeal I wouldn’t wish on my archest foe.
Wait. You can’t just draw some abs on and call it a day?
I feel like the target audience of those posts wouldn’t appreciate the self-consciously mellow-gnarly diction any more than I do
What body part do I massage if I don’t want to poop? I’m kinda busy having it all here.
Yes, but can I get the sky and the concept of regret and Lord Byron and the moon and jealousy together for a big old menage a six is what I want to know
OK I’m not proud of this but I DO want to know which body part you massage to make you poop.
The answer’s a few above you.
That’s kind of disappointing. I thought it was going to be somewhere you wouldn’t think would make you poop, like your foot or something.
I only dated uncircumcised men before, so I kinda freaked out on the first time with my jewish ex. NOTHING MOVES, I thought I was gonna rip his dick off (is that such a bad thing?)
He did know what to do with my breasts though.
Oh my god, I cried laughing. Thank you.
I remember listening to that scene in the car while stuck in a traffic jam and the horror of the face in the person in the next lane as they rolled their windows up…
That's kind of disappointing. I thought it was going to be somewhere you wouldn't think would make you poop, like your foot or something.
day made
I like your version infinitely better. Yeah, why don't we just go with that.
Well THAT was an instructive ten minutes of googling.
Lie about your sex life? Yeah, that’ll be a great start to a relationship! Ugh, so that’s where men get this crap.
I think the writer of that topic is somehow insecure, real men that understand women rather say none than boasting about how many past lovers they had.
I really want to know what Men’s Health thinks about it
My favorite one has got to be, “it’s got extra skin on it”. This whole article is hilarious.