Previously: Ayn Rand Reviews Children’s Movies.
Thomas the Tank Engine
When I ride on the 20th Century Limited, nobody touches a lever on the control panel but me. To ride a train is to take ingenuity itself as your lover; children should be given books about trains early and often.
All trains are important. Thomas the Tank Engine is the most important train that there is, because he believes himself to be so. Other, lesser trains attempt jealously to confuse him, to delude him into thinking he is no better than the rest. Do not listen to them, Thomas! Do not allow them to dampen the divine spark that illuminates your rear engine; do not allow yourself to be linked up with inferior box-cars who hang on to you and dog your steps and cause you to doubt yourself. You are the molten steam heart of America, the greatest country in the world.
I am not ashamed to admit that a tear very nearly came to my eye when the Controller told Thomas, “You are a really useful engine.” I have never been so moved in all my life, and had to light a cigarette. I named the cigarette Thomas.
The Boxcar Children
I found the children’s decision to live inside of a train perfectly understandable. Later, they proved themselves worthy of their grandfather’s inheritance by winning a footrace. More captains of industry should withhold their grandchildren’s inheritance until they have lived in a train and won a footrace. Four stars.
Encyclopedia Brown
I found this series about a boy who does not know his own worth less than compelling. “Twenty-five cents a day, plus expenses”? Set your value higher, boy.
I did, however, enjoy the fact that “no one gets away with crime in Idaville because of one boy.” All progress has only ever come from one corner – from the individual. The police in Idaville, rightly, exist only to prevent men from stealing from one another by force. An individual (God’s greatest gift to mankind was the individual) solves all other crimes through personal application, and is given money in exchange for his intellectual labor.
I imagine that Sally Kimball longs for nothing more than Encyclopedia Brown to master her physically, as he already does intellectually. Sally, you have found your equal and your mate; stand with him against the tides and rages of the universe, offer him your body as a votive and a sacrifice, and you will find you are standing on solid ground.
The Giver
The premise alone is ridiculous. I did not make it past the first page, as I found the title offensive.
Caps For Sale
An excellent little book. An enterprising salesman refuses to allow the vicious behavior of the mob to keep him from making money. The monkeys should have been hung to death in the very tree they mocked him in; to infringe on a man’s property rights is a capital crime against society.
Amelia Bedelia
This woman should be let go from her position. What can competence learn from incompetence? Why should Mr. Rogers, a man of worth and value, continue to employ this woman who lives in constant conflict with reality? The mind is the source of all values, and this useless housemaid has repeatedly demonstrated she is either unwilling or unable to use hers. She has no rights which any right-thinking man needs to respect; if she were to be set on fire I would not dirty my hands to save her. She is mere kindling.
Richard Scarry’s Best Word Book Ever
It is always a good thing when a picture book attempts to show children different kinds of machinery. A steamroller represents the triumph of man’s will over topography. There could have been more cats and fewer rabbits and pigs in this book. Three stars.
Redwall
These mice exist under conditions of the rankest collectivism and religious dogma. Altruism, sexual repression and vegetarianism rule the day. It is no accident that these toothless beasts eschew technology and everything that has lifted man above the life of a hunted animal; they are opponents of progress and of greatness. There are no trains in this story. They have seized the very concept of personal property and insist that all goods are to be held in common, which makes them no better than burglars. A vile little book.
Eloise
A little girl contributes nothing and draws upon the welfare state. Disgusting. She creates nothing, earns nothing, learns the value of nothing. She is not worthy of the money that cradles her, and will undoubtedly lose everything as she gets older.
Mary Poppins
What sort of wages does this magical woman make? Why does she allow her unique and extraordinary gifts to be wasted on children, who have no money at all? Why does she permit them to associate with a public factotum, who has never mastered steel to his own will? Absurdities on absurdities. This magical woman should be the iron mistress of a steel foundry, or the consort to a leader of men, not tending to the worthless offspring of a visionless banker.
Pinocchio
A man decides he is no longer bound by the rules of nature and creates a son and heir for himself out of valuable, durable materials. Wood is a very good material for a son to be made out of, provided the tree itself is sound and free from rot, and you keep him from getting damp. Four stars.
[Image via Darth]
Tags: ayn rand, books, children’s books, fun with objectivism
Did any of the denizens of The Toast grow up wanting to be Sally Kimball? I had my moments of wanting to be Encyclopedia, but there was never any question who was the more well-rounded member of their team. Just as smart and twice as strong…basically I just realized that I want to marry Sally Kimball, and I think I’ve known this all along.
This magical woman should be the iron mistress of a steel foundry, or the consort to a leader of men, not tending to the worthless offspring of a visionless banker.
I agree with this, God help me. Let’s not pretend that Mary Poppins wouldn’t be able to take over the whole goddamn world if she decided she had any desire to.
She danced with the sun, I’m pretty sure she’s already holding the universe together.
No, see, this is why Mary Poppins is so brilliant. She doesn’t need to take over the whole goddamn world in some flashy show of power. She is the puppet master, molding children so that they will grow up to do her bidding.
They are weak and need a mistress, but it suits Ms. Poppins’ purposes to remain behind the scenes, building up her army of followers one spoonful of sugar at a time.
Mycroft Holmes WISHES he held the British Empire’s reins as thoroughly as Mary Poppins. Bert tried to warn us.
“Wind’s in the east, mist comin’ in. / Like something is brewin’ about to begin / Can’t put me finger on what lies in store / But I feel what’s to happen, all happened before. ”
Or this: “To the park? Not if I know Mary Poppins. Other nannies take children to the park. When you’re with Mary Poppins, suddenly you’re in places you’ve never dreamed of. And quick as you can say ‘Bob’s your uncle,’ the most unusual things begin to happen.”
LIKE CHILD ASSASSINS, BERT? BERT, BLINK TWICE IF YOU NEED HELP.
“It’s easy. Let’s see. You think. You wink. You do a double blink. You close your eyes and jump.”
Excuse me, I think I need to go write a Mycroft/Mary Poppins fic now…
I hope you’re serious and I hope you share it when done.
YES PLEASE.
Links when it’s posted please!
Links plz I am dying.
Mycroft Holmes may control the Empire, but Mary Poppins controls the Four Winds, the Laws of Probability, and Time Itself.
Important corollary: Were the Holmes boys some of Mary Poppins’ early charges? Sherlock’s most famous saying could very well have been influenced by Mary herself:
“[W]hen you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”
I need this fic to exist.
*checks AO3*
Oh man, versions of this story seem to totally exist.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/551627 (with bonus HP references!)
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1220479/chapters/2499301
http://archiveofourown.org/works/512940 (also DW)
The world is sometimes a very, very wonderful place indeed.
The Doctor Who crossovers vastly outnumber the Holmes crossovers, of course. But then, there’s a happy little Venn diagram of Sherlock Holmes/Doctor Who/Mary Poppins/Harry Potter crossovers.
“The call is coming from INSIDE the carpet bag!”
Oh jesus what is this, my childhood…
(it’s so true though. Mary Poppins would rule us all.)
Alan Moore has her as literally God in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Like a lot of that series, it seems ridiculous but then makes a lot of sense when you think about it.
Oh man, I had completely forgotten about that. I think I blocked out most of the Century arc because it was so over the top ridiculous. I will NEVER get over Harry Potter as the Antichrist.
90% of what I know about Ayn Rand comes from Mallory; I am alright with this.
I don’t think we’re missing anything vital from this being our stance.
My husband read Atlas Shrugged. He suffered so I don’t have to.
I feel completely at ease with my decision to never read an Ayn Rand book in my life, long may it be.
Amen.
“No one gets me! Except you, ugly metal bracelet. You get me.”
“I’ll take my toys and leave. THEN they’ll be sorry. When the entire nation has fallen apart, they’ll all see how mean they were to me, and they’ll come crawling back!”
I may have paraphrased a bit, but I think I’ve summed up the plot in every Ayn Rand book right there.
tl;dr Ayn Rand is an angry 8 year old.
This is an incredibly insightful satire, and it will tell you much more about Rand to know that she had a weird train obsession and spoke openly about terrifyingly mechanical sex than, say, to learn that she was a philosopher; indeed, the latter may be considered entirely misleading.
When will Ayn Rand review “The Little Engine that Could”? On the one hand, a mighty train! On the other, a worthless mission to aid parasitical sick children! It’s a portrait of the corruption of America.
Yes but the goods the little train carried would be purchased by those children’s parents.
I would love to see Ayn’s take on Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel.
Mary Anne is a piece of heavy machinery who can do the work of 100 lesser men, so even though she isn’t a train that should count for something! And Katy the snowplow digs out trains and their tracks (though she does a bunch of other worthless civil amenities first.)
Ayn would have nothing but contempt for the Little House, though.
I actually had an unforunate year in high school where I wrote two different papers on Ayn Rand’s work, and I have thankfully forgotten most of it, but I still have one burning question:
Literally what was this woman’s deal with trains.
A little girl contributes nothing and draws upon the welfare state. Disgusting. She creates nothing, earns nothing, learns the value of nothing. She is not worthy of the money that cradles her, and will undoubtedly lose everything as she gets older.
…she’s not wrong, tho
These are all hysterical and wonderful and remind me so very much of this classic, Werner Herzog Reads Where’s Waldo.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvWh6PMi9Ek
omg this though: “To ride a train is to take ingenuity itself as your lover”
PERFECT. also the mary poppins section in its entirety.
I’m disappointed by the lack of The Giving Tree here. I was an unsentimental child who hated that book and that stupid tree. Stop trying to manipulate me through your undesired martyrdom, tree. Your love would be more appreciated if you did something with it instead of fawning all over some selfish kid and trying to make me feel bad for you.
I DON’T FEEL BAD FOR YOU, TREE. I DON’T. STOP IT.
YOU’RE JUST A FUTURE BOOK TO ME, TREE. YOU CAN’T MAKE ME CARE ABOUT THIS STUPID KID. I…also may have had some strong opinions about The Giving Tree.
That damn tree was the Nice Guy of the plant kingdom.
This is the most accurate of accurate analogies.
[Auggie Ben Doggie is in a saber battle with Darph Nader. Fluke, The Princess, and Ham beckon him to escape]
Fluke Starbucker: C’mon, Auggie Ben Doggie!
Princess Anne-Droid: Get to the ship! Run for it!
Ham Salad: C’mon! Let’s go!
Auggie Ben Doggie: [waving them off] No, you go on without me… I’ll be all right… Don’t worry about me…
[they all become disgusted and walk off]
Ham Salad: Aw, jeez!
Fluke Starbucker: Jeez! What a martyr!
Princess Anne-Droid: What a martyr, I can’t believe this!
Ham Salad: Yeah. See ya later, you martyr!
Oh my god. I had completely forgotten about this movie! I don’t even remember when or where I saw it, but I definitely did. Thanks for this flashback!
There’s an episode of the podcast Read It and Weep where they have a children’s librarian on, and they talk about hating The Giving Tree, Love You Forever, and Rainbow Fish. I really want to hear Ayn’s take on the communism that is Rainbow Fish.
And while I’m all about love and generosity, those books really never did it for me. Maybe I’m too literal-minded, because I actually pictured my mother breaking into my house at night to cuddle me, and I actually pictured my friends demanding I give them parts of my body so they could be happy. And then I couldn’t sleep.
Oh yeah. If anyone gifts me those books if I eventually have a child, I will give them away posthaste.
“Love You Forever” is KRAZY.
And his mother is Tyrone Bibbins, esq.
I am eternally grateful that “Love You Forever” never made it into my childhood book rotation. ::full-body shudders::
There actually was a post about Rainbow Fish here. Lemme find it… Ah, yes: http://the-toast.net/2014/05/05/rand-rainbow-fish…
Yes! Thanks! The Archive Gods provide.
To be totally honest, I felt worse for the Cookie Tree than I did for the Giving Tree.
I completely agree about Amelia Bedelia, and have ever since I was a child. I always thought she was so, so stupid and didn’t understand why she wasn’t fired.
So she’s the Manic Pixie Dream Maid?
It was the pies. They kept hiring her back because Mr. Rogers couldn’t get enough of her “pies.” Hmph.
I don’t know how old kids have to be before they get the “puns” that I presume are the attraction, but SteelyKid (in first grade) ain’t there yet, and that just makes them Full. Of. Pain.
When I taught little ones in the Dominican Republic we had the Amelia Bedelia books en espanol….and let me tell you the humor just didn’t translate. At least they could appreciate the illustrations, “dressing the turkey” especially.
I seem to recall “getting” it when I was a kid, but I was just too literal-minded. I love a good pun, but I hate Amelia Bedelia puns.
Now I’m wondering what Ayn Rand would make of Harriet the Spy.
She wouldn’t like it, I’m guessing. Either Harriet let her spark of individualism be smothered by the mob of children who were jealous of her brilliance and backed down from her true genius in the face of their manipulative “feelings,” or she was only a writer and not involved in industry and therefore never doing anything of worth in the first place.
I can’t figure out how to embed an image, but one of my friends just shared this with the quote “If you’re going to poke fun at Rand, do it right. ‘Offer your body as a sacrifice’ Wtf? #Lol #No #Fail” and I am insensate with rage.
STOP RUINING EVERYTHING, YOU TYPICAL MAN.
No mere man can ruin any of Mallory’s writings. Pshaw.
The use of hash tags alone…
Lord, I know.
He’s actually an okay dude (as okay as any dude can be) but this was blasphemous.
I think perhaps he was going for a doge-style take on Mallory’s writing? Either way, I firmly disapprove.
she LOVED IT when ladies offered their bodies as tribute and sacrifice to Better Men, she totally reversed tactics when it came to hero-worshipping your special dude
I tried to explain that. But then he took issue with your use of theistic language.
“they took an atheistic egoist and made her use theistic language and advocate self-sacrifice while trying to paint her as an over the top egoist. #Fail”
UGH
I’m not sure if Ayn would be so positive about the valorization of Lowly Worm.
“He has no arms, and can be of no use to society! Why give him tasks that he can clearly not accomplish? This provides no benefit to anyone, least of all himself! He should be left to survive as he may!”
Should you ever write a followup to this, please include The Sneetches! I want to know what Ayn Rand has to say about Sylvester McMonkey McBean.
Oh man. I have a weird connection to The Sneetches because I spent a lot of time adapting it to a short stage script for a minor campus event that was never actually produced, so I would LOVE to see an Ayn Rand reviews The Sneetches piece.
Ayn Rand’s review of The Boxcar Children is something I never knew I needed until I watched that god awful animated adaptation on Netflix. When I saw the title of this I crossed my fingers that it would be on the list! I would have loved to hear Ayn’s criticism of Useless Benny, as I like to call him.
I tried to explain that. But then he took issue with your use of theistic language.
"they took an atheistic egoist and made her use theistic language and advocate self-sacrifice while trying to paint her as an over the top egoist. #Fail"
UGH
Thomas and Friends link to Atlas Shrugged, well I just amazed at the coincidence. My son is a 3 yo Hank Reardon/ Topum Hat obsessed with his expansive track master and wooden railways and all those who ride through its plastic tunnels and over its bumpy bridges. We are always talking about the agr and inferior design of the tracks, the constant collisions, and the propensity for engines to be stripped of their gears with normal play. In toy reality, they burn coal, desel, and oil poluting the pristine island of Sodor, pristine not in the sense of a cleanliness or an unadulterated wilderness. Pristine in the sense of an idea that has become a cartoon of an everlasting utopia, in every sense flawless and also flawed. In our reality they burn through a battery a day. Someday we will make things better.
Fortunately for me, I drive for work. I chose Atlas Shrugged as an audio download from the online public library, not knowing anything about it. Soon I too like my son was immersed in the obsession for train operations. I could never get enough of that Dagne Taggart, the cold passionate genius tart, the perfect woman similar to my college crush who betrayed me for another woman. My son and I now have a deep yet simple libratarian connection. Perhaps one should ask, “who is Atlas?”
I choose to believe this comment is a form of performance art
Thomas the Tank Engine Crash Compilation set to Drowning Pool’s “Bodies”: just leaving this here as the greatest video ever, the closest you can get to my sense of humor: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7MUzA3RmeIM
I am suoer late on this, but it is amazing! Thank you for bringing it into my life.
This is very funny. But is this too much “taking candy from a baby” ?
Why does my comment have a +1 already? It’s not even a good comment.
Nope.
I just finished reading “The Girl Who Owned A City” and it is LITERALLY Ayn Rand for children.
The main (10-year old) character makes direct, no-attempt-to-hide-it speeches about how survival is only worth something if you earned it as an individual. She’s asked to help sick, starving orphans and says “‘I’d be happy to help you out, but not for free.” She even explains that some of the younger children are fighting over toys because SHARING IS BAD: “I’ve been watching your kids for days…just watching and thinking…they do TOO MUCH sharing and it isn’t working at all. ..It’s nice to share things if you want to, but it’s stupid to FORCE people to share or to be nice. Those are things people have to do on their own. Otherwise, it’s no good.” She’s even weirdly fixated on the idea of getting jets (i.e. trains) running and chastises a boy for daring to suggest he’d rather work on getting a farm going that learning to fly a jet.
I am afraid to read this.