Our friends at The Toast have been so kind as to allow us to use this platform to share some of the wisdom contained in our forthcoming publication A Lifestyle Compendium for the Modern Sapphic Socialite— wherein we seek to provide framework for addressing and conquering a plethora of modern lifestyle challenges, be they ethical, sartorial, romantic, or artisanal.
A note on the inevitable ambiguity at the commencement of the courtship process.
It is not unusual, in circles Sapphic and otherwise, for a lovelorn individual considering first approaching the object of their affection to take a moment to wonder “is this [redacted] queer or not?”
This is a question that has evolved over the past half-century as, in days of yore, a labrys adornment was all one needed to determine Sapphic inclination. Fashions came and went, but an eye for simple symbolic jewelry– perhaps obtained from the local health food co-op or wymmmyn’s craft collective– remained key to discerning the sapphic inclination, or lack thereof, of a potential paramour.
If one’s potential paramour identifies or presents as butch, genderqueer in the boy band mode, or androgynous, they may have historically found the strategy of visual Sapphic identification sufficient, although, of course, there are always exceptions.
Conventional wisdom suggests that masculine folk who appear to have taken their style inspiration from conservative religious sects which eschew the use of electricity on at least one day out of seven, but are themselves noticeably without a horse and/or buggy while also being in possession of a seventeen-inch MacBook Air, are most likely queer or Sapphically inclined.
If a potential relationship participant seeks to court the so-called “elusive” feminine Sapphists who are so oft-confused with someone’s straight best friend, they may need to hone their observational skills. After participating in a rigorous regimen of lace embroidery and magic eye puzzles to sharpen the ability to see things directly in front of them, the potential courter is ready to utilize the following field guide: Feminine Sapphists are known to favor colorful and eye-catching effects, such as bright make up, large and expressive jewelry and hair accessories, glitter, feathers, rhinestones, sequins, lace, bows, buttons and/or tulle in plentiful and diverse combinations. Alternately, they may be known to favor jeans, sneakers, motorcycle boots, overalls, galoshes, the style of pullover sweatshirt whimsically known as a “hoodie”, and/or pajamas and other night clothes. Of course, a person favoring such effects may also just happen to be an exceedingly stylish heterosexual.
Frankly, Gentle Sapphist–though this manual could go on at length with helpful hints for identifying a Sapphist in the wild as easily as a pileated woodpecker at an Audubon Society picnic– in this day and age, relying on personal appearance as an indicator of sexual identity is tragically outmoded. As experts in such areas, your authors suggest the following conversational and observational innovations for answering such a query:
Innovation the First: The most accurate way of identifying the Sapphic orientation of an object of desire is to simply ask. Phrasing such as “I was wondering if you date [insert your sexual orientation and/or gender identity and/or gender presentation here] people?” is remarkably helpful in such a situation. Unlike generations of Sapphic forebears, many of today’s Sapphists are fortunate enough to exist in a milieu where most well-mannered individuals of any sexual orientation, while they may be flustered by such a comment, will not take offense, and may even be flattered by the interest implied by said query. Therefore, this manual urges all sapphists to, as the young people might say, “ask hir already.”
Innovation the Second: If using appropriate adult direct communication skills does not appeal, there are other creative ways to ascertain an answer. For example: If one should happen to hear, or overhear, the object of one’s affection say something along the lines of (and please do excuse, dear reader, the language) “I like to [insert active sexual verb here] cis cock and only cis cock” there is a higher than average chance the person in question may be heterosexual.
Innovation the Third: The asker may query the individual in question about their softball league. If they don’t know what softball is, they may be heterosexual.
Innovation the Fourth: Seek to interpret the science of electronic communications for signs of interest. For example: Receiving a snapchat from the object of one’s affection, reading “Wish u were here. Oh, wait, no I don’t– because u r not a cis straight dude” may provide some much needed clarity.
Innovation the Fifth: Finally, in dire circumstances, the lovelorn may choose to inquire about their beloved’s favorite member of “The Babysitters Club”– many handy guides to interpreting this information can be found on the World Wide Web.
We sincerely hope that all of the above will bestow upon our dear readers newfound conversational, observational, and gaydar-ational abilities. Finally, we would like to share our certifiably accurate assumption – that the individuals in question (regardless of identification or orientation) will immediately lose even the slightest modicum of interest if the asker considers it appropriate to refer to anyqueer as a [redacted].
About the authors of A Lifestyle Compendium for the Modern Sapphic Socialite:
Miss Beatrice Llewellyn and Miss Phyllis Troubridge founded The Society for the Preservation and Promotion of Sapphic Social Mores (also known as SPPSSM) to aid the modern Sapphic socialite in coping with etiquette and lifestyle dilemmas shockingly absent from mainstream media such as Real Simple, Logo, or Highlights for Children’s recurring “Goofus and Gallant” column. They are available to speak with your sewing circles and gardening clubs, your historical societies and religious institutions. The Compendium is slated for release later this year from LavenderWomyn Press and will soon be available in finer independent book shops, local hardware stores, and gas stations on a sliding scale basis. You are cordially invited to befriend them via facebook.com/sppssm and follow their doings with The Femme Show.
