Our friends at The Toast have been so kind as to allow us to use this platform to share some of the wisdom contained in our forthcoming publication A Lifestyle Compendium for the Modern Sapphic Socialite— wherein we seek to provide framework for addressing and conquering a plethora of modern lifestyle challenges, be they ethical, sartorial, romantic, or artisanal.
A note on the inevitable ambiguity at the commencement of the courtship process.
It is not unusual, in circles Sapphic and otherwise, for a lovelorn individual considering first approaching the object of their affection to take a moment to wonder “is this [redacted] queer or not?”
This is a question that has evolved over the past half-century as, in days of yore, a labrys adornment was all one needed to determine Sapphic inclination. Fashions came and went, but an eye for simple symbolic jewelry– perhaps obtained from the local health food co-op or wymmmyn’s craft collective– remained key to discerning the sapphic inclination, or lack thereof, of a potential paramour.
If one’s potential paramour identifies or presents as butch, genderqueer in the boy band mode, or androgynous, they may have historically found the strategy of visual Sapphic identification sufficient, although, of course, there are always exceptions.
Conventional wisdom suggests that masculine folk who appear to have taken their style inspiration from conservative religious sects which eschew the use of electricity on at least one day out of seven, but are themselves noticeably without a horse and/or buggy while also being in possession of a seventeen-inch MacBook Air, are most likely queer or Sapphically inclined.
If a potential relationship participant seeks to court the so-called “elusive” feminine Sapphists who are so oft-confused with someone’s straight best friend, they may need to hone their observational skills. After participating in a rigorous regimen of lace embroidery and magic eye puzzles to sharpen the ability to see things directly in front of them, the potential courter is ready to utilize the following field guide: Feminine Sapphists are known to favor colorful and eye-catching effects, such as bright make up, large and expressive jewelry and hair accessories, glitter, feathers, rhinestones, sequins, lace, bows, buttons and/or tulle in plentiful and diverse combinations. Alternately, they may be known to favor jeans, sneakers, motorcycle boots, overalls, galoshes, the style of pullover sweatshirt whimsically known as a “hoodie”, and/or pajamas and other night clothes. Of course, a person favoring such effects may also just happen to be an exceedingly stylish heterosexual.
Frankly, Gentle Sapphist–though this manual could go on at length with helpful hints for identifying a Sapphist in the wild as easily as a pileated woodpecker at an Audubon Society picnic– in this day and age, relying on personal appearance as an indicator of sexual identity is tragically outmoded. As experts in such areas, your authors suggest the following conversational and observational innovations for answering such a query:
Innovation the First: The most accurate way of identifying the Sapphic orientation of an object of desire is to simply ask. Phrasing such as “I was wondering if you date [insert your sexual orientation and/or gender identity and/or gender presentation here] people?” is remarkably helpful in such a situation. Unlike generations of Sapphic forebears, many of today’s Sapphists are fortunate enough to exist in a milieu where most well-mannered individuals of any sexual orientation, while they may be flustered by such a comment, will not take offense, and may even be flattered by the interest implied by said query. Therefore, this manual urges all sapphists to, as the young people might say, “ask hir already.”
Innovation the Second: If using appropriate adult direct communication skills does not appeal, there are other creative ways to ascertain an answer. For example: If one should happen to hear, or overhear, the object of one’s affection say something along the lines of (and please do excuse, dear reader, the language) “I like to [insert active sexual verb here] cis cock and only cis cock” there is a higher than average chance the person in question may be heterosexual.
Innovation the Third: The asker may query the individual in question about their softball league. If they don’t know what softball is, they may be heterosexual.
Innovation the Fourth: Seek to interpret the science of electronic communications for signs of interest. For example: Receiving a snapchat from the object of one’s affection, reading “Wish u were here. Oh, wait, no I don’t– because u r not a cis straight dude” may provide some much needed clarity.
Innovation the Fifth: Finally, in dire circumstances, the lovelorn may choose to inquire about their beloved’s favorite member of “The Babysitters Club”– many handy guides to interpreting this information can be found on the World Wide Web.
We sincerely hope that all of the above will bestow upon our dear readers newfound conversational, observational, and gaydar-ational abilities. Finally, we would like to share our certifiably accurate assumption – that the individuals in question (regardless of identification or orientation) will immediately lose even the slightest modicum of interest if the asker considers it appropriate to refer to anyqueer as a [redacted].
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About the authors of A Lifestyle Compendium for the Modern Sapphic Socialite:
Miss Beatrice Llewellyn and Miss Phyllis Troubridge founded The Society for the Preservation and Promotion of Sapphic Social Mores (also known as SPPSSM) to aid the modern Sapphic socialite in coping with etiquette and lifestyle dilemmas shockingly absent from mainstream media such as Real Simple, Logo, or Highlights for Children’s recurring “Goofus and Gallant” column. They are available to speak with your sewing circles and gardening clubs, your historical societies and religious institutions. The Compendium is slated for release later this year from LavenderWomyn Press and will soon be available in finer independent book shops, local hardware stores, and gas stations on a sliding scale basis. You are cordially invited to befriend them via facebook.com/sppssm and follow their doings with The Femme Show.
Tags: advice, beauty, lgbt, maggie cee, rachel kahn
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“I was wondering if you date spacewitches?”
Also: what does it mean if I didn’t really have a favorite but if I had to choose I’d go with Stacey?
I didn’t have a favorite, either, but I wavered constantly between having a crush on Mary Anne and a crush on Dawn, which tells you about all you need to know about my sexual orientation right there.
My display name on Twitter is #teamspacewitches
Please note that if the object of a Sapphist’s potential affections is in possession of both a buggy and a Macbook Air, the individual is most likely a Mennonite. This says much less about hir potential inclinations than one would suspect.
The Baby-Sitter’s Club books came out (ha!) when I was in grad school. I wouldn’t recognize a Baby-Sitter’s Club member if one hit me in the erogenous zone with a Buck VixSkin Realistic. But I probably wouldn’t mind if one did!
Me too. Nice to hear from other Toasties of a certain age. I’m not sure what the equivalent is – favorite brat pack member?
My people!
Actually, I suspect I’m a bit older than that. I watched The Partridge Family in its first run (Fridays at 8:30 on ABC, after the stupid Brady Bunch)! And let me just take a moment to acknowledge Lori Partridge and her devastating center-parted swing of hair as the formative experience she was for so many proto-sapphic girls of the 1970s. Impossibly cool, bored, languid, knowing, and scornful Lori with her perfect MOUTH who just doesn’t even CARE about anything, but in a way that makes you ready to maybe DIE if she rolled her eyes in your direction, and even more ready if she didn’t. But somehow your friends are obsessed with KEITH (seriously?), and even as a nine-year-old you realize you probably should just keep that to yourself at the lunch table? Oh, Lori, my secret flame. Sigh.
Well, anyway.
Oh, we’re in the same club all right!
Susan Dey never made it onto my Crush list. Not that you’re incorrect about her perfect mouth, but there’s not even one tiny smidgen of butch to be found there. So no.
Am I wrong, or were there absolutely NO butch images anywhere in the media in the 70s?
I’ve been really thinking about this, and the closest I can come in 1970s popular culture are tomboys like Buddy (Kristy McNichol) on Family. Also seemed like a common sitcom trope way longer than it should have been to “reform” the tomboy and dress her up–think maybe even Lori did that to one of her friends. There was also Ralph the carpenter on Green Acres, but she was always carefully presented as foolishly man-crazy and I’m pretty sure got the tomboy makeover as well.
I’m not coming up with much either – there were women with shorter, darker hair that presented as less girly than their counterparts with long blonde hair, like Sabrina on Charlie’s Angels and Janet on Three’s Company.
Jo on The Facts of Life was another sitcom tomboy.
IRL there was Billy Jean King.
Can we all just say “thank whatever gods that be for Billie Jean King”?
And of course Sabrina was my favorite Angel! She was the only one who appeared to have a brain!
I remember being completely baffled that no one else seemed to like Sabrina, when she was clearly the coolest Charlie’s Angel, not to mention her pants suits.
And perhaps I should not mention this, but I had a similar realization re Daisy Duke vs Bo and Luke (yes, adult me is quite critical of, even horrified by, The Dukes of Hazzard but 11 year old me was just fascinated by Daisy and her tight jeans and high heels and ability to build an engine in the dark.)
My partner had “the realization” while looking at Daisy Duke. Ha!
Oh, nice option! I think I’d have to go with Ally Sheedy!
Now that I think about it, I identified most with Ally Sheedy but I secretly dug Molly Ringwald – I can still visualize her mouth in Pretty in Pink, decades since I last watched it.
As much as I like Ally, it was Stockard Channing as Rizzo that I really noticed. I mean, I wanted to be Sandy but Danny didn’t interest me. Rizzo was the tough one. Maybe if I’d listened to myself, it wouldn’t have taken til my mid 20s for me to come out! 😉 I also remember Jo from Facts of Life, Buddy (Kristy McNichol) from Family and a role that she played in a movie called Little Darlings! This all takes me back and yes, thank the Goddess for Billie Jean King!!!
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. And I cannot wait to purchase your book.
Me too. Nice to hear from other Toasties of a certain age. I'm not sure what the equivalent is – favorite brat pack member?
Another excellent method I read on The Tumblr (why does it sound more proper and elegant to say The Tumblr?): if you want to know if a girl is gay without asking her if she’s gay, ask her if she thinks Kristen Stewart is gay. Although that may no longer be as effective post-Kristen Stewart’s mom’s interview.
Oh, nice option! I think I'd have to go with Ally Sheedy!
Oh, we're in the same club all right!
Susan Dey never made it onto my Crush list. Not that you're incorrect about her perfect mouth, but there's not even one tiny smidgen of butch to be found there. So no.
Am I wrong, or were there absolutely NO butch images anywhere in the media in the 70s?
The answer to the Babysitters Club question is all of them, right?
Can’t wait for to buy this book!
I shall have to get a copy of this book for my mother. She was moaning recently that lesbians don’t look like lesbians anymore when you’re ‘out on The Scene’ and its impossible to know who to hit on.
Since I grew up surrounded by lesbians (One day I shall write a book about our adventures in belt and boot matching and anarchist communal camping) I think my fashion sense has swung overly ‘Dyke’. I fucking love a pair of comfy boots.
As I kid I also remember really wanting one of those two headed axes that all of my mums friends wore, apparently it was some lesbian thing. I still want one, but I get hit on a lot already by girls and I hate disappointing them
“two headed ax” = labrys, as mentioned in the article!
So that’s what its called! I still totes want one, but I’d probably start a tumblr storm in a tea cup for ‘cultural appropriation’ (Notice how my tongue is firmly inserted in my cheek here.)
I expect this book will have a scintillating section regarding the etiquette around shared exes.
Read the opening, then immediately scrolled to the bottom to find out if the book was a real thing. Am delighted that it is!
I'm not coming up with much either – there were women with shorter, darker hair that presented as less girly than their counterparts with long blonde hair, like Sabrina on Charlie's Angels and Janet on Three's Company.
Jo on The Facts of Life was another sitcom tomboy.
IRL there was Billy Jean King.
I only know what softball is because of the Babysitters Club. What does that say about my sexuality?
We Mennonites have many hidden depths.
This is so beautiful and wonderful! I am laughing too hard at work. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for these beautiful words! <3
Can we all just say "thank whatever gods that be for Billie Jean King"?
And of course Sabrina was my favorite Angel! She was the only one who appeared to have a brain!
My partner had "the realization" while looking at Daisy Duke. Ha!
Dearest sapphists,
We are delighted that you have enjoyed our thoughts on these important matters. LavenderWomyn Press, unfortunately, is but a twinkle in our eye and not a reality-based publisher. However, our Compendium is a work in progress and we look forward to sharing it with you in the future. We promise that it will make an excellent gift for Solstice celebrations, commitment ceremonies, and motorcycle christening parties.
In sincerity and solidarity,
Phyllis Troubridge and Beatrice Llewellyn
Older article, but I just realized I met (and marched with) you lovely ladies at Pride! This article was a gem, and I’ll be keeping an eye out for more of your publishings!