Ashley Ford’s previous Disrupting Domesticity posts for The Butter can be found here.
Every year since 2011, on the first Monday of July, poet and advocate Bassey Ikpi holds a #NoShameDay on Twitter. People living with mental illnesses or mental health issues—people like me—are asked to share their stories in a safe and supportive way. It’s an opportunity to connect. I try to participate on Twitter each year, but this year I thought I’d participate in this installment of Disrupting Domesticity. Of course, since this column is all about cohabitation, I’m going to offer some background on my experience with mental illness, and let Kelly talk about his experience living with and loving someone with a mental illness.
I’ve always been a little on the sensitive side. Even as a kid I frustrated my family and infuriated my peers with my emotional fragility. It was something we all hoped I’d grow out of, no one more so than me. But I didn’t. In fact, it got worse. As I got older, I learned to mask the more embarrassing aspects of my overly-empathetic demeanor with humor, but that didn’t stop me for crying to myself in bed most nights. It sounds so dramatic, and it felt so dramatic, but I couldn’t stop. I was overwhelmed by all those feelings, but I never felt in control.
I was sexually assaulted when I was thirteen, and felt more guilt about that than my quiet sadness could handle. My brain was great at taking whatever twisted path necessary to come to the conclusion every bad thing that happened to me was my fault. It gave me a semblance of control, even if it wasn’t entirely real or based on the truth. By this point, I’d read enough books to know that my incessant crying and panic attacks were symptoms of a real problem. Still, I was scared to tell. No one “got help” in my family. I didn’t tell anyone who could actually help me until I turned eighteen and could sign up for sessions with a therapist without my mother’s consent. Since then I’ve been clinically diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD.
Anxiety, depression, and PTSD are all different mental health issues, and they all manifest for me in very different ways. My depression causes a lot of crying, fatigue, and suicidal ideations. My anxiety causes trouble breathing, trouble sleeping, a complete productive paralysis, some crying, and panic attacks — which make me feel like I’m going to die from feeling too many things at once. Lastly, my PTSD can sometimes cause a kind of break with reality. I feel sure of danger that isn’t there, I hear things no one said, and while I don’t have “flashbacks”, I do re-experience the heightened emotions from moments of great psychological and physical pain. None of these are fun, and every day I try to keep myself from thinking of them as evidence that I am a “broken human”. Not going to lie, having someone like Kelly around helps.
That’s really all the background you need to understand Kelly’s answers to these questions (from you!) about living with someone who has a mental illness (like me). I’ve taken the questions that were suggested and personalized them. I also interject into his responses from time to time to offer a little more context. Read away:
1. How did you feel the first time we talked about my mental health issues, and were you concerned about dating someone with PTSD/Depression/Anxiety?
The first time I really remember discussing your trauma and what that meant was when we were in college. We were in your room at The Victorian [Ashley: That’s what Kelly named the house I rented with friends] and you read me your essay, “Sins of My Father.” I felt responsible to respect that you’d shared that with me first. It’s not that I felt like I should have been concerned, but more that I wanted to prove worthy of the trust you’d given me. When we got back to together [Ashley: We stopped dating for about two years, then reunited], I already knew you had anxiety problems. I knew I could love you through any ups and downs that came along. I wanted you, so that was a thing I figured I wanted too. When you were finally diagnosed with PTSD, I was more relieved that anything. It’s easier, I think, to deal with something when it has a name.
2. Did you prepare yourself emotionally for living with a partner who had my mental health issues? Why or why not?
When we were still living a whole country apart, I always wanted us to be as honest as possible, to not leave our lives unsaid. I’ve pretty well always known you’ve built many emotional walls. I wanted to get through as many of them as possible before we lived together. I thought that would help me be most helpful when you needed me.
3. How are you most supportive to me when I’m having an “episode”, and how do you separate support from enabling?
I’m always working toward the goal of you feeling better. When you want to do things that aren’t helpful during an episode, I tell you so. My biggest issue is not wanting to sound mad at you while keeping your attention long enough for you to listen to me. I don’t ever want to appease you when you’re having an episode; I want to help you feel calmer, safer, like you can catch your breath.
4. Can you talk about a time when you were frightened for me in a way that was directly related to my mental health?
When you called me after getting stuck in Chicago while coming home from seeing your Grandmother [Ashley: I went to Indiana to say a final goodbye to my dying grandmother, who I’d been very close to], that’s one of the times I’ve been most worried. You were hostile and not really talking to me as much as you were just talking out loud. You also kept saying how easy it would be to fall. That really terrified me. I don’t want to think of worse hell than losing you that way.
5. How do you know when you can be helpful OR I need to be left alone OR I need professional assistance?
Whether I can be helpful or I should leave you alone is mostly up to you. I can usually tell if you need a minute to yourself or if I can help you feel better. If you look stuck in a particularly negative loop, I’ll definitely stick around and try and be the voice you can’t find in your own head, letting you know that you’re good. That you’re a person worthy of love. As for professional help, that becomes a pretty big concern of mine when you start to think about or become a threat to yourself. I don’t want you to be thinking, I don’t want to hurt myself because I don’t want to hurt Kelly. I want you to be okay because you want to be okay.
6. How do you avoid trying to “fix” me? Do you have any hope that someday I will be “fixed”?
I think there is a happy medium out there, but I don’t expect anyone to ever be cured. Life marks us, and we carry those marks with us everyday. I don’t think there is any hope anyone will be fixed. I love you for who you are. Anxiety is part of you. That part of you also shaped the person I love. I don’t believe you could be the voice in the darkness for some, if you didn’t know the language of the pain.
7. Do you feel like you have space to feel all of your emotions? How do you express yourself when we’re both sad, but I’m the one with the diagnosed mental illness?
I think I have enough space for my emotions. It might not be a good idea for me throw a tantrum, but is it ever? When I’m sad, I tell you. I can’t expect you to trust me with your emotions if I can’t trust you with mine. Also, if I’m sad and you need me, I can be sad and still be there for you.
8. How do you remember that I love you when I’m having an episode?
Because I know that it is a fact that you love me. You having an episode doesn’t change the fact. I want to be calm space for you in those moments; I don’t think I’d be able to do that if every time you needed me, I was worried you’d stopped loving me.
Tags: ashley ford, disrupting domesticity, health, mental health, mental illness, the butter
As someone with mental illnesses in a fairly new relationship, I really appreciated you and Kelly sharing your experiences. I have depression and anxiety, and I’m constantly worried about how my problems will affect the both of us. As silly as it might sound, it’s so reassuring to know that my mental illnesses don’t have to always negatively impact my relationship. It helps that I’m planning on going back to therapy soon, and that my boyfriend also deals with anxiety and is very understanding, but the fear of letting my brain chemistry “ruin” things is still there, you know?
Also, this made me cry. But in a good way, I promise!
Thank you for your lovely comment, and yes, I understand the fear of letting your brain “ruin” things. It’s a different way to live, but it’s not a bad or worse way, right?
Thank you so much for this! My partner and I are wading into the sea that is mental illness, and I feel sometimes like he’s my life raft as well as a fellow swimmer. As we go on, I hope that we can each learn how to handle things in the best, most supportive way, like it sounds like you two have figured out!
I hope the best for you and your partner, but trust me, Kel and I are still figuring this out! We’ll probably always be figuring this out. Humans change, and how mental illness affects our interactions and choices as we get older will need to change too. When you find your handle on things, don’t hold on so tightly you can’t change when the time comes.
Oh man, was this ever timely. Thank you.
Same here. Wow. I really needed to read this today.
Thank you both!
How do you avoid trying to “fix” me? Do you have any hope that someday I will be “fixed”?
This is so hard for me and I don’t think I’m doing a very good job of it with my mentally ill spouse. Where is the line between “you’re not treating stuff that can be treated” and “this part of you and not something to ‘fix'”? I can’t figure this one out.
I have a mental illness, and I can’t figure that one out, either. So much of what I thought was a part of who I am has gone away with medication, and my life is So Much Better! – but sometimes i miss the things i was able to do before that might not have been healthy but felt like superpowers. It’s hard to navigate for anyone. Don’t beat yourself up about it too much.
Listen to your spouse. Love them the way they need to be loved, and if they don’t know what that looks like, help them find out. Be open and honest with one another about what’s going on, what you need, and what you can handle before you need to seek elsewhere.
I have had bad anxiety, depression, and panic attacks that have, for most of my life, (with a few failed exceptions) caused me to avoid the stress of forming relationships. Now that I’m older and more stable, and possibly able to stand the stress, I am, well, older, fatter, and even less able to imagine myself as relationship material. I’ve pretty much given up. I do appreciate the lack of panic attacks though.
Don’t give up.
<3<3<3<3
You are so lucky to have such a supportive, loving partner. As someone who lives with mental illness, it feels impossible I’ll ever find someone who will love all of me. Beautiful article.
I am lucky, but Kelly is only one of a few partners I’ve had. He really is a fantastic man, but he is not a unicorn. He’s just a man. What feels impossible is not always as it seems.
Wow…
I think there is a happy medium out there, but I don’t expect anyone to ever be cured. Life marks us, and we carry those marks with us everyday. I don’t think there is any hope anyone will be fixed. I love you for who you are. Anxiety is part of you. That part of you also shaped the person I love. I don’t believe you could be the voice in the darkness for some, if you didn’t know the language of the pain.
If you are ever wondering if Kelly is a keeper… I think that maybe he is.
This. I’m sure you know, but I was so impressed by his answers and his love for you.
Oh, I’m keeping him <3
This is like reading a fairy tale. I always feel like my mental health problems preclude me from having a real, healthy relationship- in fact that’s been pretty much all but stated to me by exes and potential partners. Thank you for this glimpse into your world. You guys are a beautiful couple.
Don’t let anyone tell you that your mental health issues make you less suited for or worthy of love. That’s bullshit. It is perfectly reasonable that you may need to do some work learning how to maintain relationships, but that’s most people. We’re all different.
I sent this to my husband as soon as I finished reading. From what I see here, he feels a lot like Kelly does, but he has a hard time talking about things like this. Also, it’s really good for me to read this all written out, especially at a time when I am more level headed. It makes it easier for my brain and heart to really understand. Thank you.
I’m glad you felt like you could pass this on, and I’m glad you’re in a good place right now 🙂
This is so good and so lovely and relating to many things I’ve been thinking about lately (as a new relationship creeps towards seriousness and I worry). Thank you.
Worry less. Talk more.
I suffer from anxiety and depression and have never allowed myself to get close enough someone to having a relationship. This was a lovely window to what I am missing. How do you find the Kellys and avoid the people who will not understand?
By the time I got to Kelly, I’d done a fantastically bad job of avoiding the people who will not understand. But my interactions with those people helped me see Kelly for who he was once he was part of my life. Every time you choose to love, you’re taking a risk. Kel turned out to be a good risk. That’s not always the case. Don’t be hard on yourself. Know what you don’t want in a partner and when you see the wrong thing walking your way, cross the street.
I don’t know if this is universally a good idea or not, but I tend to lay my cards on the table on, like, the first date. Massive anxiety disorder, depressive spells, dead mom. And how people react to the initial disclosure of that trauma has proved a pretty good bellwether for how they will be with the actual uglier bits of my mental health.
I did not go on another date with the man who paused for 45 seconds then told me about the comic book he’s writing.
I am still with the one who half-sheepishly asked if it was okay to just give me a hug, and told me how impressed with my ability to survive he was in a way that somehow wasn’t condescending.
(He also struggles with mental health in ways that are both different to and similar to mine, and we are both still learning how to navigate that, so also I really appreciated this article! But yeah. Empathy is a good metric in my experience.)
Thank you. I have a teenage son dealing with very similar issues. This was like a refresher course about what I’m getting right, and what I need to remember. While reading this my stomach unknotted. I didn’t even realize it WAS knotted.
Thank you so much for posting this. I suffer from anxiety, and although I have some control over it now, I went through a period of constant panic attacks. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years, and I believe part of the reason our relationship is so strong is because he was by my side through everything.
This is probably one of the most romantic things I’ve ever read, and it’s just a normal, calm expression of everyday care for each other, respect and a deep equality…Oh man.
I am neuroatypical (no diagnosed mental illness though) and do have momentary episodes of dark, unexpressible moods. My partner of many, many years is this incredibly kind, outgoing person who is still a bit terrified of me I think 🙂 (It’s okay. I am a bit terrifying even when I’m completely fine.) The most freeing thing for me was finding out that I actually can let go sometimes, and just live through the episode instead of suppressing the intense stuff to protect him from me – it’s definitely better for the both of us, and puts him on a more equal footing.
Wow, how did I miss this when it was first posted? I recognize so much of this in myself and my husband. It takes my breath away sometimes how patient and loving he is, even when I think I’m too broken to deserve it.
this is such a wonderful article and much needed. I’m going through a breakup at the moment with mt first long term partner. I know that I have been unconsciously avoiding relationships my whole life so to find someone was both surprising and terrifying. Unfortunately they haven’t been as supportive as I’ve needed and have been very hurtful at times. Right now I am really struggling to feel hopeful that I could ever find someone who would truly love me and understand despite my mental health. I’m going around in a circle of feeling like I’m broken, that I don’t deserve love, that I only end up hurting people (though never intentionally so) through my behavior.
Can you recommend any resources to help me get through this? I really need some hopeful guidance- like this article.
Thank you
Thank you 😀
I sent this to my parents as I think it really applies to any kind of love, not just romantic love, and was a great way of showing them some of the ways they can be supportive when I am in my “black hole” days. All 3 of us really appreciate it!
Nevertheless, it’s also definitely reassuring in terms of romantic relationships too!
I am learning that it is more important to find someone who you have great things in common with, and then figure out how to handle and help with each other’s difficulties (like you and Kelly!) – rather than finding someone with whom you have depression etc in common and then hope the rest of it works out – that someone can love me (and you! and all of us!) even if they haven’t been in that place themselves and I’m not restricted to only ending up with the other crazies (haha) because I was stuck thinking no one else could possibly understand or put up with my depressive phases, medications, etc.