“Boys speak in rhythm, and girls in code” –Anberlin, “Foreign Language”
Nobody remembers the day the girls learned to code. It came softly, perhaps over a few days, until it dawned on humanity that it had happened. By July 14, 2258, now known as C-Day, every girl over the age of 10 knew how to code. Our problems were solved.
It used to be that every girl was a coding friendship bracelet on her seventh birthday, but in 2230 Xena G. Thomas created a program that downloads the information directly to any girl’s brain. From there, it was only a matter of time. The boys still had to learn the old-fashioned way, since the program was only ever tested on women and there just wasn’t a big enough market to expand it. No one seemed to mind.
Once the girls learned to code not a single woman was left unempowered. There are apps for that. Drones were reprogrammed to pull catcallers from the streets and replace them with robotic versions of Tim Gunn enthusiastically encouraging women to “make it work!” Apps tracked periods, and eventually eliminated them.
If a man makes a girl feel unwelcome in STEM his phone locks and alerts the PC Police. He is taken to PC jail to await his PC trial in which the PC judge would smash her gavel and say “kyriarchy” three times, sentencing him to life imprisonment.
All computers are voice-activated and responded only to uptalk.
Every girl owns her own company. Every girl is a company. Boys are employees. Boys have to say “just” and periodically apologize to be taken seriously in the boardroom. Every girl/company is something necessary and important to the betterment of society. Every product is now made by a woman. In 2270 Madelyn Schappert created an app that makes smartphones work as solar panels. In 2298 a team of girls disrupted farming and now there is no scarcity of food or clean water. In 2304 a coder known only as Aaliyah X found a way to lower the earth’s temperature through Tinder.
Every video game now features at least four female/non-binary heroes who display equal amounts of strength and believable vulnerability.
Years ago the girls hacked every major bank and now we live in a socialist utopia. There is no wage gap because there are no wages. The men who used to code had never thought of this. The primary sources have been lost, but we’re pretty sure they only coded boner pills. We know now that girls are the true coders. Girls are code. They do code. They fucking love science.
Boys make art sometimes.
[Illustrations by Matt Lubchansky]
I can’t wait for the future!
“Boys make art sometimes.
[Illustrations by Matt Lubchansky]”
The future is now!
Matt is One of The Good Ones who will be spared when the coding revolution comes.
The Tim Gunn Clone Army concept frightens me, probably because I don’t have “it”, and even if I did, I don’t know that I could make it work. I can’t even make t-shirts work. T-shirts are EASY.
Just… I will embrace this new world, but it’d be super great if I could still make art, though. Sorry.
T shirts are a lie. Only people with no boobs or shoulders can wear t shirts without choking.
I really need the makers of cool t-shirts to Get On Board with making everything in a v-neck, because I love v-necks and I look excellent in them, while crew-necks make me feel like I’m suffocating and give me monoboob.
I have so many fangirl t-shirts I rarely wear because of this very issue.
I started cutting the collars out of my t-shirts a few years back, and now all t-shirts flatter my (rather large) boobies. Bonus: no choking. Unfortunate side effect: SOME people think I look like a slob.
Cutting out tshirts necks was probably more liberating for me than it should have been, but I’m going with it.
*knowing nod*
Thank you! Finally someone said it.
“All computers are voice-activated and responded only to uptalk.”
I swear to fuck, I initially read this as “updog.”
What’s “updog”?
(Too good of a straight line to not respond with another straight line.)
What’s updog?
Nothing much, what’s up with you?
I feel like we should work this joke into each comment thread at least once.
We can practice, and by the time Mallory returns we’ll have it DOWN.
You can pretend all you want that Matt “drew” that “comic” of the woman using the man as a footstool, but I know that’s actually a photograph from Jaya and Matt’s apartment.
On Tuesdays we spend our mornings worshiping our homemade altar to Ada Lovelace.
Jaya’s hair is looking great.
Ahahaha love it. Jaya And Matt Toast Takeover has been just *fire emoji*
WHY IS THIS NOT HAPPENING NOW
Also, that catcaller getting hoisted up by a drone may be my very favorite illustration of all time. <3
Because coding sucks >.<
/Goes back to developing an android widget for her friend/
Like, I go to look something up on android’s development site… and suddenly I’m getting redirected to the Chinese version of that page. Why? I don’t know. And I haven’t yet figured out how to make it stop. WHY YOU DO THIS, INTERNET? It’s like they sensed that I had a Chinese friend over for lunch.
… Ok, I figured it out, but still. I have no idea how it happened, and itt’s just a very small example of the random annoying rubbish that pops up.
There is an awful lot of random annoying rubbish associated with coding and development stuff… which I don’t understand, because it seems like of all things those apps/websites/programs should work the best.
When the girl coders take over this shouldl be high on the list (just below the anti-catcaller drone army!)
My five and two-year-old sons are both excellent artists, so I’m delighted that I’m getting a head start on raising them in the Matriarchy.
My brother’s an artist. His wife is working her way up the corporate ladder at a bank. I’m so proud of them both.
brb applying to PC law school
Unfortunately, a lot of jerks know how to code, and it hasn’t helped them much. (Disclosure: I am one)
I needed to read this today. <3
Speaking as a software engineer who is struggling to find motivation… I needed this today.
HALLO YES OH MY GOD I share this entirely, and it is extremely annoying to me.
In 2298 a team of girls disrupted farming and now there is no scarcity of food or clean water.
YES PLEASE
<3<3<3<3<3<3
Haha girls are awesome always! Unique too.