If you don’t already, live in a place where there are lots of people like you. No, I don’t know how you’re supposed to get a job or housing there. I’m not here to solve everything for you.

Spending lots of time with the same people will strengthen your relationships with them, so if you keep running into that one coworker you hate, sorry, she’s your best friend now!

Be yourself, but more outgoing and less argumentative.

Get out of the house and participate in activities where you’ll meet like-minded people. For most people that means going to a rock-climbing class or signing up for a wine tasting. You don’t like those things? Well, do them anyway. All potential friends are into rock climbing.

For the love of god don’t tell anyone who you’re voting for.

The hardest thing about making friends as an adult is getting the confidence to start making plans. Ease into it by hacking into your potential friend’s Google calendar, so she’ll think you’ve just always had plans to see My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 on Thursday.

Nobody builds relationships with small talk. Don’t engage in it. Get personal. If they ask about the weather, respond with a story about how you were bullied in high school. If they ask where you grew up, go into intricate details about your dental work.

Straight up, say “I’ve decided you are my new best friend, and you get no say in the matter.” People respond to directness!

See if you do the same drugs. Do them together.

Work in the same industry, and remain forever anxious about whether you’re actually friends or whether this is just networking.

Some people have stretched their social bandwidth too far to make new friends. Take this very personally.

Up front, talk a lot about how you far prefer reading at home alone to socializing. This will make them feel special.

Tape about 20 balloons together into a human form. Cover with papier-mâché and wait until it dries. Paint with any flesh colored paint you desire, and apply makeup. Voilà, a new friend.