Politicians are not our friends.
Our parents are not our friends.
Our friend’s parents are not our friends, no matter how many times they invite you over even after your friend moved out.
Bosses are not our friends.
Coworkers are not our friends.
Mary in HR is not our friend.
Mary didn’t invite us to her clothing swap because she is not our friend.
That girl from college who invited us to her wedding even though we haven’t talked to her in four years is not our friend.
The moderators at Wikipedia are not our friends even though we were totally right about the park in Shaft being Carl Schurz Park and NOT Central Park.
Our children are not our friends. Our children act like our friends but make fun of us to their real friends behind our backs.
The bodega guy is not our friend. We’re friendly to the point of asking about specific relatives and college classes, certainly, but it’s been five years and we still don’t know each others’ names and that is exactly show it should be.
Alphonso our upstairs neighbor has friend potential if he stopped playing the piano at god damn 10:30 pm.
Tech startups are not our friends.
Social media disruptors are not our friends.
Google Chrome is definitely not our friend considering how much it’s been crashing on us recently. Safari isn’t our friend either though.
Celebrities are not our friends.
Athletes are not our friends, even the ones that are.
We can keep trying to become Facebook friends with that guy from high school who we got along with okay and who is now on a critically acclaimed HBO show but he will never be our friend.
“Athletes are not our friends, even the ones that are.”
Doubly so if they’re triathletes. Triathlon will always be the only thing in their lives they care about.
Or CrossFit.
Things that are our friends and you can’t tell me any different:
– Books
– Characters we love in books
– Characters we love in tv shows
– Characters we love in movies
– Dogs
– Cats, if we are deserving
– Horses occasionally
– Sometimes exes if we’re adults about it and they’re not awful
– People at work if we knew them before we worked together
– Dolls
– Friendly ghosts
– Everyone at the Toast even if we’ve never met (RIGHT, YOU GUYS???)
– Michelle Obama
Yes to all of this, esp. “Cats, if we are deserving” and “Everyone at the Toast.” Also Michelle Obama.
Disagree on dolls. They are all secretly judging your life choices and hold the potential for great evil.
Horses are not anybody’s friend.
Unless you are actually in RuPaul’s Best Friends Race, none of your competition in any event ever is your friend. Unless they’re worlds worse than you so you can condescend in a chummy way.
God, I would so try out for RuPaul’s Best Friend Race.
One of my faves:
This made me 100% more sad than makes any logical sense.
I got choked up reading it.
ETA: I kept reading it and started to cry. I need a fucking drink.
It’s the “quietly” that does it, I think.
https://twitter.com/Pjetey/status/392837316600807…
Are friends electric?
I dunno about y’all but lobster bisque is my friend.
HEY I have been having quiet but persistent thoughts of lobster bisque for monnnnnnnnnnths now
i should go get some
and make friends with it
briefly
I sense that anything you eat is not your friend. Or, perhaps, you are not its friend. Which, now I’ve typed it, reveals itself as a world of difference. I have to think about this. Perhaps over a bowl of lobster bisque.
It is welcome to its own position but it was my bosom pal for thirty lovely Friday lunch minutes.
Facebook! Facebook is not my friend, even though they seem to ~think~ they are because they keep writing on my wall that they care about me. It’s awkward.
I was pretty broken up to learn to that Taylor Swift is not our friend
The moderators at Wikipedia are not our friends even though precisely because we were totally right about the park in Shaft being Carl Schurz Park and NOT Central Park.
#FIFY People whom you have corrected are not your friends.
Which… oops.
Chrome is being a jerk and breaking friendships all over lately.
https://twitter.com/Pjetey/status/392837316600807…