Illustration by Marissa Maciel
The night after Christmas finds me seated with relatives and friends at my in-laws’ crowded dinner table, enjoying a delicious meal and happily chatting about television — one of few topics that’s nearly always safe to discuss in mixed company. Of the fourteen people laughing and passing laden platters around, only one is new to me. Someone mentions my interview with Constance Wu of Fresh Off the Boat, and this, apparently, is her cue to look up and address me for the first time since we exchanged our initial his and nice to meet yous.
“Do people ever tell you that you look just like everyone on that show?” she asks.
This question strikes me as so bizarre, so beside the point, that at first I think I’ve misheard. “Excuse me?” I wait for her to clarify, change course.
She repeats her question. She appears to be perfectly serious: “You must get this a lot,” she adds, when I don’t immediately respond.
Oh? Oh. Yes, people often tell me that I look just like “everyone” on a television show, even though most of them aren’t women. Or my age. Sure. That happens all the time.
Every Asian American has fielded some variation on “all look the same.” As racial microaggressions go, it’s common as dirt. I know I should be able to come up with an answer, something brisk and witty, and bury this moment in the same place where I keep all such awkward memories. But for some reason, my brain just won’t cooperate. My face is burning, my heart pounding too loudly, and it’s painful to even consider making eye contact with anyone at the table.
I know I embarrass too easily. But I assumed I was safe here among family and friends, which makes it all the more unpleasant and jarring to be reminded of my difference as this woman perceives it. I’m upset with her for shattering my comfortable, happy holiday feelings; for bringing my race to the forefront when I had assumed it was irrelevant on this night, in this company. I’m upset with her for forcing my relatives and my spouse and my kids to witness this, even if they have not all registered my humiliation. Her slight was likely unintentional, not a deliberate means of putting me in my place — but she’s a stranger to me, so I can’t know for sure. Maybe I’ve unwittingly offended her, and some part of her wants to take me down a notch or two.
She spoke during a lull in the conversation. I know that everyone heard. If anybody wanted to step in, make a joke to lighten the moment, or even just say “um, she doesn’t look like anyone on that show,” now would be the time. My husband — the only ally I am absolutely sure of at this table — is two seats away, and since I refuse to look up there’s no chance of reading his expression. His silence is the one that hurts a bit, if I’m honest. But this is his family, these are his friends, and anyway it’s only been a split-second since the words left the woman’s mouth and no doubt he’s running through the same agonizing, silent calculus I am, trying to think of what in the world he could say that would acknowledge the offensiveness of her comment without ruining the party. I assume my in-laws are waiting to defuse the situation, to smoothly change the subject if I say something ill-advised. Or maybe, as unlikely as it seems, they haven’t even noticed the awkwardness? Is it possible that no one has noticed but me?
Do I really want to force all the people at this table to choose sides in the ultimately unwinnable “was or wasn’t it racist” debate?
I begin rifling through possible responses. Any one of them could get the job done: Sure I get that a lot, but only from racist people who think all Asians look the same! or That’s funny, has anyone ever told you that you look just like everyone on practically every other TV show? or even the brutally direct Why on earth would you say something like that? For one wild second I allow myself to imagine speaking freely, with no attempt at self-deprecation or careful diplomacy. And then I fast-forward through the rest of the exchange, imagining where it would go from there. Any satisfaction I felt would no doubt dissipate in the face of my questioner’s shock and anger. Our friends and family would feel obligated to jump in and mediate, and I would be the bad guy. I’m uncomfortable right now, sure — terribly so — but does that mean I have the right to make everyone else uncomfortable, too? Do I really want to force all the people at this table to choose sides in the ultimately unwinnable “was or wasn’t it racist” debate?
I consider my children, who probably aren’t tracking the conversation — not just because they don’t watch the television show in question, but because they are still young and, for all our intra-family conversations about racism, they do not yet expect to encounter it in their everyday lives. I generally try to push back when someone says something offensive in their earshot, especially when it’s something I think they might understand. But I’m sure tonight’s remark has gone right over their heads, which means I can let it go unchallenged without failing them as a parent.
All these thoughts steamroll through my mind in the span of a few seconds, calculations firing while my cheeks burn and I stare at my plate. For the last time, I consider defending myself. Just giving voice to the confusion and anger and mortification I feel boiling in the pit of my stomach. But I know, in an instant that reminds me of countless others like it, that I’m not that person. The truth sinks in: I am the only one who can make sure that everybody keeps having a good time.
“Uh…no,” I hear myself say. The words come out on a shaky, awkward laugh, in a voice I hardly recognize. I’m still blushing, I still can’t meet anyone’s eyes, but my farce of a smile proves there’s nothing to see here. This is a nice party, my smile clearly says, and we’re all having a nice time. As the faint roaring in my ears subsides, I can recognize that the laughter in the room seems a bit too loud, as if I’ve told a hilarious joke instead of turning bright red and stammering something barely articulate. Later, while discussing the moment in whispers in his parents’ guest room, my husband and I will take turns citing that over-the-top laughter as possible proof that at least some of the people at the table recognized the awkward moment for what it was.
After I swallow my pride and just say “no” my questioner asks if anyone watches “that other ethnic show,” and I decide I cannot listen to this: I start clinking my fork loudly against my plate and talking to my younger daughter, heaping more food on her plate so I won’t have to acknowledge the discussion. Everybody else carries on eating and chatting, having a good time. I don’t say much. It appears I’m still at a loss for words.
The social pressure on people of color to keep the peace, not get mad, just make sure everyone keeps having a nice time — even when we hear these remarks in public, at our workplaces and schools, in our own homes and from our friends’ mouths — can be overwhelming, bearing down on us in so many situations we do not see coming and therefore cannot avoid. What does our dignity matter, what do our feelings amount to, when we could embarrass white people we care about? When our white relatives or friends or colleagues might experience a moment’s discomfort, anxiety, or guilt?
When I think about the relative size and scope of microaggressions, I can’t help but feel ashamed of my inadequate responses. If these are just small offenses, not meant to wound, why can’t I ever manage to shut them down effectively, ensure they aren’t wielded again and again against others? You don’t have to force strangers to see or acknowledge systemic racism and the lives it takes and brutalizes just to point out that hey, friend, all Asians are not interchangeable! You don’t have to charge people to search their souls or assign them difficult reading. The question I got at that party was neither original nor especially terrible, so, given more nerve, a cooler head, and the assurance of support, couldn’t I have come up with other, smarter, sharper things to say?
When I think about the relative size and scope of microaggressions, I can’t help but feel ashamed of my inadequate responses. If these are just small offenses, not meant to wound, why can’t I ever manage to shut them down effectively, ensure they aren’t wielded again and again against others?
It is that unspoken “better” response that haunts me over a week later. I had the opportunity to stand up for myself, my people, and every people reduced to a monolith; to feel something apart from anger and embarrassment and loneliness, something more akin to cold satisfaction. Everyone likes to believe they would be the one to stand up for someone or call out racism in a crowd. But not only am I not always that person, under a variety of circumstances you probably wouldn’t be, either. (Heaven forbid we have uncomfortable conversations with our family members over the holidays!) I was in a roomful of family and friends that night, surrounded by well-meaning liberals and white allies — in other words, people who don’t see me as a chink, a robot or a walking stereotype; people who know and genuinely care about me as an individual. We were all relieved to leave that moment behind us and pretend it never happened.
It’s not as if I had no power that night. Even if our options aren’t stellar when we’re hit with “casual” racism in a space we once thought safe, we can and do make some sort of choice every time — to inform or ignore, challenge or absolve. The down side to every option on the table, for the person of color facing that decision, is that the fallout is then perceived as our responsibility. When did the party stop being fun for everyone? When we got mouthy. There is no real way for us to win, whether we cling to some notion of “the high road” or attempt to call out the racism we experience in order to sleep better that night.
In all likelihood, my questioner meant no offense. She just forgot her manners or, more likely, slipped and gave voice to the truth she believes, the truth that lives in her head. Unlike her, I didn’t have the luxury of forgetting myself or my place. At the end of the night, I’m certain I was the only person still thinking about that moment over dinner — I was the one left replaying the words over and over in my mind, second-guessing my bearing and my behavior, wondering if I’d done the right thing. As far as I know, I am still the only one who feels anything about it at all.
Holy smokes, this is powerful.
WHEW BOY.
This is perfect, this part especially: “What does our dignity matter, what do our feelings amount to, when we could embarrass white people we care about?”
It reminded me of the time my roommates had a talk with me because I was making them “uncomfortable” by talking in generalizations about white people. God forbid, I know.
Great great great piece, posting this on all social media forever.
What if you don’t even care about the white people in question, but would like to eat dinner in peace without being reminded of the fact that your very existence/presence at a meal to which you were invited brings out the worst in some people.
Wonderful piece. I’m white, so I can only relate via the same gut-punch feeling I get from misogynistic remarks/behaviors (ESPECIALLY in front of my kids), but I wanted to share one satisfying method I’ve found to dealing with them: say, politely, “What do you mean?” and repeat it as necessary. Because, eventually, the person will have to articulate aloud those asshole beliefs — all Asian people look the same, all women are inherently dumber, etc. — that they’d only implied before. And once they do that, it’s much easier for you (and others) to respond with “what on earth is wrong with you?” without seeming like the bad guy. Or the person will give up in frustration, and that’s a win too?
I can’t wait to use this tactic when it next becomes relevant!!
This would be an especially fun thing to do if the “what do you mean” was set in your head to the Bieber song. I am no fan of Bieber, but that song is stupid catchy. Also, this use gives Bieber some special purpose, and every one needs a special purpose.
Even a jerk.
if you think that song is catchy, you should listen to the rest of his new album including/especially “sorry”
and then when you’ve done that, go back and listen to his other top 40 hits
and then when you’ve done that, you will realize the previous error of your ways
#jbtruebae4life
I had basically this exact conversation with my hairdresser yesterday. (She is on team Bieber. I am completely out of touch with popular culture so I had no way of knowing whether she was right. She is also the first person from whom I heard the names “Caitlyn” and “Jenner” in combination with each other. I didn’t know who she was talking about.)
Especially The Jerk.
I really like that response. Especially if you say it with increasing frostiness, and a certain head tilt. Deadly politeness.
Yes! It also has the benefit of putting it back on the idiot who said the idiot thing, as it should be. Plus it distracts from the slowly heating face of mortification, from which I also suffer.
It would also be fun to emphasize a different word in the question each time. Ever so subtly. Surely that would be sufficient to disintegrate them into a pile of dust.
I immediately heard this in my head as a very British “what DO you mean” which when properly deployed could shame someone into silence rather than prompt an answer.
Let us all take notes from the Dowager Countess!
That may not work for me. Because the very next question out of the jerk’s mouth would be “why are you black women so angry?”
I’ve used a twist on this approach before, though about a joke involving a different immediately rage-inducing subject matter – I responded with a quizzical “I don’t get it?” and the other person just sort of faded and disappeared back into whatever they had been doing on their computer, rather than explain.
It’s hard to remember in the moment, but I’m planning to use “What do you mean?” and “I don’t get it. Could you explain?” a lot more in the future.
That one works particularly well on the jokes we’re all “supposed to get”. For instance, I did it to a coworker of my boyfriend who made a joke along the lines of “women can’t drive, amirite?” He tried to explain it once, and I just repeated again “I don’t get it,” and he slowly melted in the puddle of shame common to people who make a joke that falls flat.
“What do you mean?” would have been a good thing to say! That was kiiiiind of what I was getting at with “Excuse me?”/trying to get her to clarify — I honestly thought she’d apologize or backtrack or say something different. But no! SHE DOUBLED DOWN.
Seriously, “excuse me?” really should have done the trick. That is a completely Miss Manners approved way of trying to get someone to rethink the terrible thing they just said. But some people just can’t be tricked into thinking! And then having to come up with another response after the flabbergasting doubling down is just too much to ask of a person.
A tactic I’ve used in many awkward situations like this is to ask the person, “How were you expecting that question/comment/joke to make me feel?” This is a very indirect way of letting the person guess that you were offended and also give them a chance to back out, apologize or clarify what they were intending to mean but maybe have said clumsily.
I use a similar tactic when dealing with narcissists. After they talk about (what a surprise) themselves non-stop without allowing anyone else to speak or asking about anyone else, I always says very loud “Thank you so much for telling us all about yourself” in a school teacher voice. Squirm, squirm, squirm.
I think “um… no” is actually a pretty great answer.
I also use, “What response are you looking for here?” because sometimes I legitimately wonder what the hell they want me to say in response to whatever offensive garbage they just dumped on my head.
It’s totally Miss Manners-approved, too–she’s definitely given that advice. (And said flatly that good manners do not require making people feel OK about bigotry.)
I like this one. Since I am mostly white myself, I’ve generally relied on my whiteness as an advantage to confront the person who made the racist remark, so my traditional response in such situations has been something…not hostile, not something that implies I think they meant badly, but more along the lines of, “Dude, Asians don’t all look the same. I can’t believe you said something that dumb!” said while laughing like you do when someone reveals ignorance of something that is common knowledge. You know, a response that suggests that, no I don’t think they were trying to be rude, but that was definitely a stupid thing to say. It generally works as far as getting them to shut up their nonsense without making everyone uncomfortable.
But I really do like the “What do you mean?” thing. Cause honestly? Who cares if they feel uncomfortable. Definitely gonna have to try to remember that one next time.
In the past my go-to in these situations has been “Wow, I can’t believe you just said that,” but I do like the idea of turning it back around on the offender and forcing him or her to justify the odious remarks.
As a Well-Meaning White Person, I have occasionally said stupid things, and then had the “what do you mean” response used on me. I can tell you right now, it’s super-effective, and the shame definitely led me to think harder about things before saying them.
thank you SO MUCH for this script. I just used it a business meeting where a colleague asked (upon hearing the names of two new hires) “Do you have to be Asian to work in {department}?” I just kept asking her, over and over, what she possibly was getting at, and finally she shut up, although I don’t think she ever really got why anyone was bothered. I looked a tiny bit like a bully, but she looked a LOT like a total asshole.
brava
Ha! High five!
So I’ve been trying the “What do you mean?” with misogynistic remarks recently, since reading some similar advice from Rebecca Solnit (I think the way she put it was to “be rabbinical” by replying to sexist questions with questions rather than answers), and my experience is that while it’s way better than any other tactic I’ve ever heard of, sometimes the person will respond to even the most coolly polite, detached “What do you mean by that?” with something like “Geez, relax, I was just making a joke,” or “I guess you don’t have a sense of humor,” and then I just sort of glare blankly because I’m all out of deflection tactics. Anyone have any tips for responding to this kind of comment?
“Thank you for clarifying that you are not misogynistic.” With the flattest inflection possible. And “Just unfunny.” as a follow up, if you like.
Hmm, good question. I’d say respond with another question. Just keep asking, “What was the joke? Explain to me what was funny about it, I don’t quite understand.”
There is a big difference between “What do you mean?” and “What do you mean by that?” The latter is much more confrontational. Also, there are dozens of tones and attitudes that can accompany either question. The subtext of the cool, “What do you mean by that?” is “You have offended me.” This puts the other person in a very difficult position. You have challenged them, and now they either have to defend their question/statement, or explain why it was misunderstood (which it wasn’t, so now they have to lie to you).
If you are wanting to de-escalate, I have found that faking honest, sincere cluelessness is often the least threatening, and the least likely to provoke a defensive response. The script in your head should be along the lines of, “You’re the first person to ever say that, and I don’t understand what you could possibly mean by it.”
The two response examples you gave can each be answered with another, “What do you mean?” if you are sincere and innocent enough in your tone.
I’m thinking through what would likely happen if I tried, “What do you mean?” on my partner’s bigoted father. I think he’d take it seriously and explain, at length, his little pet theories. And it would be horrible to listen to. People have varying awareness of how far they’re being bigots. I’m not sure that approach is going to work with that sort of person.
This doesn’t work nearly so well against people who are secure in their bigotry. This works against the people who have some sense of shame or who didn’t think through the implications of their statement/question. Also against people who are trying to be subtle in their bigotry because they are aware that it is not socially acceptable to say those things publicly anymore. Anyone who is willing to cheerfully say horrible things will just say those things. And while it will make everything worse, in a way, it does make it clear to anyone around who does not share those sentiments that the person openly saying the horrible things is the bad guy, but it will not penetrate their own bigotry.
There is a certain point where, relative or not, you may have to say ‘yeah, if you can not behave like a decent modern human being, you are not welcome’. Or you just ignore everything the person says.
Oh my god I know people like this. They are close relatives . We play drinking games based on the kinds of things they will say. Everyone who isn’t them gets smashed.
Yeah, I agree with Tibicina. I think with your partner’s father, if you can somehow remove him from your life, you should, for your own mental health. Put yourself first. There’s not much you can say that’s going to change his attitude, and it’s not your responsibility to educate him. I understand though that completely cutting a member of the family out of your life, is extremely difficult.
“faking honest, sincere cluelessness is often the least threatening, and the least likely to provoke a defensive response.” THIS a thousand times!
I think this is the point of “What do you mean?” It allows the person who is being offensive to actually learn what they are saying- it is, as Parker Palmer might say, “Turning to wonder.” Not judging the other person as racist, but giving them space to explain- maybe to the point of explaining to herself that she shouldn’t be talking like that.
The basic “give them enough rope”/”be rabbinical” technique actually works pretty well on silence once they’ve been called out, I’ve found. If you want to work on something more, I occasionally favor the raised eyebrows and/or perfectly polite smile that doesn’t reach the eyes. A well-placed ‘hmmm’ goes a long way, too.
“Jeez, it was just a joke”
“Oh… okay”
“I didn’t *mean* anything by it”
“Mmmm…”
Some men, especially Men Who Are Not Smart, will not know when they should be done, no matter what. Once in a while, you will find the version of that man who is enraged by nonengagement. It will be a jolly day.
I’m another one who has a hard time knowing how to respond to racist, sexist, misogynistic comments, so I love the advice to “be rabbinical.” As for your issue, maybe try leaving off the words “by that” at the end, which kind of sounds like a challenge, whereas “What do you mean?” sounds more like a simple request for clarification. It’s a subtle difference, but the latter does the same job without sounding like a taunt. I think it would be harder for them to come back with some defensive b.s. about you not having a sense of humor. Just my two cents.
Maybe just say, “No I genuinely want to know what you mean by that, ’cause I don’t get it!”
Further analysis by the Rabbi, I’d say. For instance, ‘Geez, I was just making a joke’ can be anwered with ‘So, where is the humor?’ I usually play it like an extremely unhip, but actually smart and learned type. Once you become practiced in the style, you can extend the torture for many exquisite minutes, since each excuse or evasion can lead to further play. Or, if the target pretends to seriousness (‘Well, they do look alike to me’), this too can be the subject of detailed inquiry into their perception and categorization. Sometimes I have held a whole roomful at bay.
Is it just me, or are a lot of us talking anxiously about “but what on earth do we say?” because we are hit with total panic when this sort of situation arises?
I’m white, so I’m not on the receiving end of racism, but this sounds very much like what happens with misogyny, homophobia, ableism, all of which I have to deal with. My partner’s father tends to come out with some awful stuff. When I am up to it, I challenge him on it. I always feel like I’m the one making a scene when I do, even though my partner completely has my back. One time his father made a snide remark about “pinching women’s bottoms”, and I thought, I can’t face this. I don’t even know where to begin. I walked out of the room and went back to bed. My partner told him sharply not to trivialise sexual harassment, and that if he didn’t belt up he could leave. Which is good, but I never got an apology, and the next time we met was when he came around for Christmas dinner, at which point he glared at me and wouldn’t talk to me until well into the meal. Once he’d thawed a bit, I had the fun of having to explain to him that austerity is actually affecting people in this country, that people are developing malnutrition in record numbers and many are dying, and he was treating me as if this was quite astonishing and was I sure? Not quite as bad as when he described people of lower intelligence as being fit for “Bedlam”, but still. I hate dealing with this. I don’t think well on my feet. I have PTSD, for heaven’s sake.
I see this comment and all I can think of (as a woc) is “YOU MISSED THE POINT OF THIS COMPLETELY.”
POC face this daily. All the damn time. I know all the tactics. “Tell them this: xxxxx” “Remember to say this: xxxx” You don’t get it.
In the heat of the moment, after experiencing a microaggression, you not only have to choose between responding to it, but also if you respond-> “Oh fuck, I’m going to be that one person who brings up race again.” “I’m going to make everyone uncomfortable.” “They will all hate me because race is all I ever talk about.” “Oh man, I’m such a killjoy.”
But if I don’t respond… “WHY DIDN’T I SAY SOMETHING?” I bear that burden and the anxiety of wishing I could turn back time so I could say it. So I learn all of these tactics like “What do you mean?” Only so that when the next microaggression comes, I am once again at this point of “Really? Did you really just say that?” “Fuck, if I say something I will be THAT ONE who brings race into everything!”
Your response to me was very whitesplain-y. Next time, as a white person, YOU recognize when this shit happens to poc and be the one to 1) not laugh, and 2) YOU be the one to ask “What do you mean?” Yes, I’m putting the onus on YOU as the white person because I’m sick of always being “THAT ONE FUN-SUCKER.”
I think you are referring to me as being very white-splainy, which may be true. But I was specifically answering Jane’s question, “Anyone have any tips for responding to this kind of (‘I was only joking’) comment?”
I thought my answer was a good response to that specific question, although not to the general question of “What should be done about this?” or “What should I do about this?” I also agree with you (Laurie) that as a white person I should continue to say, “What do you mean?” when I am in that situation, as I have been.
I had that reaction a little, too. I’m glad this thread has been useful to people, though, including Nikki. I’m definitely someone who often struggles with knowing how to say “how shitty that that shitty thing happened to you, I’m so sorry to hear about it”, because my first instinct is always “here are some solutions I just now thought of, you should hear them all!” So I’m glad some people have found both to be helpful, here today.
Yessss thank you! As another WOC I thought the same thing and was hoping to see *someone* else who recognised this.
The onus should be on our so called white allies to say “what did you mean” or whatever other snappy comeback.
I’m so sick of having to deal with racism and racist misogyny and then have well meaning white self-professed “allies” tell me how I whould have handled it.
It might be awkward for you but it is violence for us.
Thank you, Sanjee and Laurie. As a white woman who doesn’t have to go through this kind of crap on a daily basis, I need to be told sometimes how it really is. I will try to be more responsive when I witness this b.s. happening and stand up for WOC (and MOC too).
I think you’re responding to my original comment? (It’s hard for me to tell on my screen.) If so, I’m sorry. I was just trying to share a tactic I use on my own behalf, since Nicole talked a bit in the piece about feeling like she didn’t know how to react. I didn’t think that was the point of the whole article, and obviously I don’t know anything about being a woman of color. I didn’t mean to imply that the person who made the racist comment was not completely at fault, or that the other people shouldn’t have spoken up, or that it was Nicole’s responsibility to handle it. I just wanted to share something that’s helped me.
This is the one I use too. I keep my voice and body language friendly and open – “No, seriously you just have to explain what you mean, so I know what I’m missing. Sometimes I just don’t ‘get’ things the way people do. Help me understand lololol.” Then rephrase the bits as they start to emerge, because rephrasing ideas back is the sign of a good listener, and by golly I want to be a good listener. I’ll keep smiling and being friendlylike until I’ve rooted out the underlying cause (simple lack of education or apathy or malice) then if I think it’s worth it, swing into part 2 of rephrasing what they’re saying, this time with gentle corrections. Or stop entirely by using something like, “Well bless your heart.”
The What do you mean has usually worked for me very well. I think questions in general work well.
One time I was in a similar situation. Someone asked in a similar manner how I looked like that one person from a movie, and I asked what do you mean? Go figure, he pulled out a photo of the actor, who is the same ethnicity, and we do look quite alike. But see, “What do you mean?” still solved the whole situation, and gave us something else to talk about (we started talking about the movie and actor a bit).
Oooh, this is also my favorite technique — keep repeating “Why?” with a smile on your face till they own up.
As I was reading this I could feel every second of what was going on in Nicole’s mind. And even the response ‘What do to mean?’, only came to me towards the end of the article. I think the issue here wasn’t so much what to say, but whether or not to say anything at all.
As a white guy, I often use the puzzled “what do you mean?” when I am speaking with people who make racist remarks thinking that, you know, because I’m a white guy too, that I’d agree with their racist ridiculousness. If they double down, I usually just feign shock and say, “whoa. Do people still think like that? I thought that kind of stuff went out with the 50’s.” I like to think it is a subtle and effective way of just letting them know that the world does not agree with them and they are backwards.
I like that.
This is an excellent point because the burden of clarification is removed from you, the asked! Then, if they’re bold enough to expound on shallow, racist intent, feel free to put them in their place as you see fit! Instead of having a light holiday night it’ll have to also be a teaching moment for them, and your children. Plus, you’ll sleep better at night!
Thank you
This is my go-to response as well. It’s handy and once you’ve used it a few times, you won’t be at a loss for words. It’s not your job to sort through everything that person COULD mean or what the situation means. Let them do it.
Oof. This is exactly why I decided to be that killjoy. Because i can take it, I really don’t mind ruining everyone’s good time, but not everyone can, and not everyone does.
I want to practice that, being the person who speaks up because yes, I can take it.
I usually default to hostile silence, with added staring. Not sure that’s really useful.
this is my reasoning for being more and more outspoken about sexism and misogyny, especially in cases of street harassment. i will 100% be hostile to dudes in public, either on my own behalf or on behalf of my friends. i’m physically imposing and have the privilege of very few vulnerabilities. come at me bro.
Social Justice Paladins: Tanking for the cause!
I may never have been more flattered in my life! And also want this on a button.
Heh. In turn, I have mad respect for my friends who are Social Justice Berserkers (Bloodrage for everyone). I’ll let you know when the t-shirts are made.
I will totally throw money at such a t-shirt design as part of my take back the term Social Justice Warrior campaign. Like, I honestly do not know how SJW is a derogatory term.
I remember you mentioning this in a comment thread(?) and being like ‘Holy fuck.’ Same to ‘that other ethnic show.’ So awful.
It’s a sad thing that I’ve definitely got better at not just sitting there being a well-meaning white ally through having dealt with homophobic microaggressions and being the one to ruin the party. It’s like I want to yell at the people who don’t back me up in those situations, but then I can think of all the times I haven’t done the same for someone else… our intentions don’t form us, our actions do, ‘well-intentioned’ means fuck all when you can’t actually help someone out who needs it.
“Our intentions don’t form us, our actions do” is such an important thing, I think.
“Being an ally” is not a state of being, it is a continual process of action. Really, I think you can’t ever be an ally, you can only practice allyship.
Excellent, and a piece that has to be shared. How many times are we told we are the ones making it about race? For me, a lifetime of it. I know that forever I’ll be told I’m too sensitive when I’m asked “Why don’t you have a hot body like all Colombians” and “I thought all Latinas were hot.” done. with. this.
…the fuck?
Hoooooly shit, SET THEM ON FIRE. Seriously, they deserve all the shaming in the world, though it shouldn’t be up to you to deliver it. Shame on anyone else who heard them say that without calling them out.
“You think I’m not hot? I’ll show you hot. With fire.”
“I might not be hot, but you’re burning up.”
That is the rudest crap ever!
Mi gente! You know what’s also special about being Colombian? Having to explain that there are black people in Colombia… and that it’s not a part of Mexico. DONE.
Also that I don’t sell drugs, grow drugs, or have a burro
Yep yep yep, relate so hard to this article. I have yet to come up with a good strategy for dealing with the mildly racist comment, because you’re right, there is just no way to win – you’re either a party pooper or a coward who let racism happen unchecked. I might try the “what do you mean?” tactic because it beats just getting up and leaving, which has heretofore been my thing.
“But not only am I not always that person, under a variety of circumstances you probably wouldn’t be, either.”
Oof. Yep.
I can’t say that I’ve been in your position, since I don’t think there’s a one-to-one correspondence between sexist remarks and racist remarks, but they always lead to a lose-lose situation. You can say something… and ruin the mood, become known as that killjoy. Or you can say nothing and slowly curdle on the inside.
True story: my dad recently told me one of his female employees is “feminist, but she has a sense of humor about it, unlike you”. I didn’t tell him that that because he’s her boss, it’s likely that “jokey”, “light” reactions to his sexist remarks are probably the result of her doing this type of calculus in her head.
I do think that part of white privilege is that you’re (paradoxically, unfairly) taken a little more seriously when you react to a racist remark. I try to make use of that. To a certain extent, I have no skin in the game, and that means that the calculus is different: because people can’t immediately discern an emotional cause, they more or less have to default to assuming your point is coming from a place of logic.
I do think that part of white privilege is that you’re (paradoxically, unfairly) taken a little more seriously when you react to a racist remark. I try to make use of that. To a certain extent, I have no skin in the game, and that means that the calculus is different: because people can’t immediately discern an emotional cause, they more or less have to default to assuming your point is coming from a place of logic.
This is so true. This is partly why I want and expect my white friends to stand up for me if a racist remark comes my way because not only is it less personal so it should be easier to speak up, it’s also taken more seriously. You see this too I think in feminism and men. Male feminists aren’t routinely dismissed as some mad militant weirdo with an axe to grind.
Unless you’re the liberal black sheep in a conservative family and everyone just assumes you’re inflicted with a bad case of PC culture run amok if you speak up. I don’t regret making a stink at Thanksgiving when my 9-year-old niece showed up dressed head-to-toe in Native American garb though. At the very least, my family became acquainted with the term “cultural appropriation.”
Oh man, I just remembered a year or so ago at my last workplace, when we had some type of…Western day, and an ADULT WOMAN came dressed in Native American garb. I was so appalled, yet I couldn’t think of what to say in that context — I didn’t even know her well. I just fled the scene.
This was my Thanksgiving – 86 Native American get-up, sub marriage equality and immigration conversations. My uncle and grandmother both called my mother after we left to ask if I was gay or Muslim, respectively, so I’d say my disruption was a raging success.
If nothing else, it gave my three teenage cousins a chance to understand that their conversations on topics like that don’t have to be an echo chamber, that you can share ideas in a healthy and respectful way even when you disagree, and that your personal views are something you can investigate and shape by yourself rather than just parroting your parents or your preacher. That I consider well worth any discomfort it brought to me or anyone else.
Liberal black sheep(s), unite! It sucks, it sucks a lot, but I’d like to think I’m helping in the long-term.
Oh god, it’s two-way unpleasantness. When you do say something, the burn of having a stupid argument never leaves–and very often a 3rd party WILL blame you for spoiling their evening. When you don’t say something, the guilt and shame for not saying and representing and standing up for oneself lasts, too.
This is great. I am going to reread this many times. Thanks for writing it.
1) This is beautiful. And thought provoking. And cathartic. And thank you for processing, reflecting, and writing for us all.
2) For next time, because there’s always a goddamned next time: “No one has ever told me I look like Hudson Yang before–that’d be weird AF–but I’ll take the compliment if you mean I look like Constance Wu. Let’s all talk about about beautiful and brilliant and bright she is & let me brag about the fact that I did a stellar interview with her in the New York Fucking Times.” It points out the inherent racism, swiftly deflects any racist/not racist debates, and affirms just how awesome you are.
3) You are great.
I’m usually so shocked I can’t think of anything to say until days later. Perhaps I’ll memorize, “What do you mean by that?”
Thank you for writing this. Maybe next time I’ll be ready.
Oof and to follow it up with “that other ethnic show.”
Right?! Sadly, throws a spotlight on the fact that so many shows have *no one* of color, so any that do fall into that “ethnic show” category (in the minds of fools). Plus,” what do you mean?” seems a pretty useful comeback.
My *compulsion* to educate my all-white, all-male coworkers resulted in the suggestion that this get played at lunch as-needed: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2zyjbH9zzA
I sometimes think the only use for the song “Accidental Racist” would be to play it at these moments.
While I’ve always been one to speak up when the (micro)aggression is directed at other people,* I have let things pass when directed at me because it’s circumstantially difficult/awkward if I did. What I’ve noticed though is that in recent years I’m less and less inclined to do that and more and more inclined to respond with a sharp remark that would make everyone else uncomfortable.
I’ve been wondering whether this makes me a “better” person or not. Is standing up for yourself against racism/sexism/etc, knowing that it almost certainly won’t change the person’s mind and knowing that it would make your friends uncomfortable and mar the event, necessarily the ‘better’ choice? I don’t know. Is it actually kinder to let it go? I think partly the reason why I’ve been questioning it, is because I prefer to say something for my own satisfaction and generally speaking, I find biting my tongue in such situations far more difficult than saying something. I guess this makes me sometimes doubt that what I do is the ‘right’ thing since it also happens to be the thing that comes more naturally, rather than a brave or considered act.
Nevertheless despite questioning it sometimes, I do generally feel that it is (a) my prerogative to respond assertively, (b) any awkwardness is entirely the fault of the person who made the remark whatever other people may feel, and (c) the duty of others to step in and back me up and that I have every right to be angry if they don’t.
Do other people wonder the same thing?
* EDIT: – To be strictly accurate, I do also try to take my cue from the person affected in question, assuming they’re there and assuming it’s a borderline remark. Like it does sometimes happen that someone protests on someone else’s behalf and that someone else doesn’t want/need anything like that and you’re making them feel bad, which is obviously not the goal. Also, I once didn’t say something til the next day even though the remark was not directed at me (or in fact anyone in earshot) because a) I was flabbergasted because it was so unexpected (b)it was one of my boss’s best clients and I was staying at his house and I kind of needed to keep the part-time job. However, I did say something the next day and very fortunately, the client responded very well and apologised profusely, which was also unexpected and a great relief. I am fortunate though in that I knew my parents could and would support me temporarily while I looked for another job so the stakes were not quite as high as they could have been and I certainly wouldn’t think any the less of a person who doesn’t speak up when there’s financial survival at stake.
All very true, but your (b) cannot be stated enough. The awkwardness is from the problematic-remark-maker.
I struggle with this a lot. As a person, I’m fairly combative and comfortable with conflict, and probably have an overdeveloped/unhealthy sense of (self-righteous) anger. That may sound joking, but it really has given me a lot of heartache, and is a personality trait I’m always working on. So for me it becomes a difficult social balance *generally* to decide when I speak my mind and when I keep quiet for the sake of a group that perhaps does not relish intense (polite!) debate, open disagreement, etc.
To be clear – I want to challenge racist comments – I just sometimes am slow or hesitant because there is a delay while I’m trying to figure out “is this an issue with me wanting to create conflict because I believe I’m right and like the feeling of challenging something or someone, or did something which most people would agree is offensive just occur?” And it’s a problem, because often by the time I conclude “yes this was offensive” everyone has moved on, meaning I have to have another internal “okay so the conversation has moved on but it was offensive, was it bad enough that you bring it up now to call that person out/address the issue?” rumination.
For me, it’s a conscious process of trying to figure out what I think might be more natural to other people. Like, there has to be a practical balance between calling out every single micro-aggression and being a doormat, but I have a really hard time locating that balance for me personally.
What you said in the first paragraph about yourself is exactly how I feel about myself and you put it so well! The difference for me is that — whether fortunately or unfortunately — I tend to say something before thinking through whether I should or not, especially if the comment is directed at a group which I’m not part of.
Years ago I was at a party, where people were going around telling the worst jokes they knew (not a good idea for obvious reasons). When one guy told a racist joke, a friend of mine — early 20s, white, quite Christian, nicest person I know — who was standing next to him just reached out and slapped him right across the face. Not recommended for most situations but it sure worked that time.
I’m mentally inserting this reaction into every awkward “what the hell did you just say?!” situation I’ve experienced lately, and it is so satisfying to imagine.
A+ anecdote! I will cherish it.
Also, can you just imagine a world in which that was the response to racist jokes? Especially if it were an explicit Christian commandment? Like if Jesus said, “Turn the other cheek, but if someone says a racist joke before thee, slap them in the face.”
I’d go to that church.
I think that is basically how she interprets scripture. So far so good.
I mean, sometimes the answer to “what would Jesus do” turns out to be “flip tables, make a bullwhip, and beat the shit out of some bankers.”
Holy shit. I stand in admiration. I genuinely wish I had the no-fux to go around slapping people who say messed up stuff.
God bless him.
That’s awesome!!! I love that 🙂
Welp. *LOL*
I went to a very white, very privileged law school. There were two Asian Americans in my class, and both were women. One was of Vietnamese heritage, the other was first generation Chinese American. These women not only looked nothing alike, but their names were as different as could be.
My first day of the most difficult class (tax), our professor made a point of going around the room and asking everyone their name. The student would answer, and the professor would carefully and deliberately repeat it aloud. The next day, he went around the room and identified each person by their name, presumably to demonstrate that if he could learn the names and faces of each student in the room overnight, we the students could memorize the key provisions of the Internal Revenue Code over the course of a semester.
I am sure you see where this is going. The next class, he dazzles everyone with his ability to remember everyone’s names. And then he gets to one of the two Asian American girls in the room. He stumbles and stammers for a few minutes, then snaps his fingers and causally says “I have a 50-50 chance here.”
I was stunned. I was horrified. I looked around the room and absolutely no one shared that reaction. Except the student whose name he was trying to recall, and the other Asian American woman two rows up. I will never forget the look on either of their faces. My face felt hot and my mouth was dry because I wanted to say something – anything – and I didn’t. I spoke to one of the girls after class and she quietly thanked me for (1) noticing and (2) not saying anything and making a bigger deal of out it.
I did finally say something, by the way. At the end of the very last class of the semester, I went into his office hours and had a terribly awkward conversation. I did my best “you’re not a racist, but you said something incredibly and offensively racist” approach. He was completely defensive, albeit in a very polite Midwestern way, and assumed my west coast liberal leanings were clouding my perception. I told him about my conversation with one of the students involved and he sputtered a little more doubt and shut the discussion down.
I got out of there, convinced that I had done more harm than good, but a few days later, he came up to me and thanked me in a very genuine way. Said he realized he had been completely defensive, but having thought about it, really understood what I was telling him. He apologized to me for the comment, which was weird, and also said he was going to apologize to both women.
Anyway. It isn’t ever easy to speak up, and timing is everything. You may still have the opportunity, Nicole.
Or her husband can leverage his privilege and bring it up with his family. If I learned anything from the crucible that was wedding planning, it’s that the motto ‘your family, you deal with it’ is not only reasonable, but kind of a life saver.
The extra plus benefit to this is that dealing with that initial wave of entrenchment and defensiveness can be just as bad as the initial offense, and a caring third party can hear all that, argue back dispassionately, and then NEVER repeat it.
In this case it wasn’t his family member, though — it was the relative of a close family friend, who neither of us had met before that night! I know he does wish he’d come up with something brilliant to say in the moment, though, as do I.
He could still have the chat with them about plans for next time. A hand signal for: Let’s promptly change the topic! Does someone want to suggest dessert right … NOW (go go go deploy pie).
I know it’s hard to have something useful to say on the spot, but if it is something that would maybe pop up again, like said friend getting an invite for Thanksgiving, it could be useful to have him as the bridge for coming up with a strategy. My husband has definitely run coverage for me, mostly about the fact that I love food but can only eat tiny amounts in any one sitting and that I’m trying really hard to be courteous, but if I can’t finish something, it’s really because I just cannot make myself, not that I don’t like it or that I am, more broadly, ungrateful. I was glad to have that message go through the grapevine, rather than having that conversation myself, but also I am conflict averse.
Not saying it’s your husband’s responsibility or anything though, sorry if that was the implication!
oh no, I knew what you meant! His family is great in lots of ways but we all have trouble communicating about Unpleasantness, so since this particular incident was not their fault at all I just don’t think there’s a whole lot for him to say to them.
Holy crap, good job speaking up. Something depressingly similar happened to some friends of mine, but I never said anything to the professor; partially because I had no clue what to say and partially because I was mostway through my second semester with the guy and it was clear he did not give a fuck.
Good for you! The commenter above was correct about white privilige means, ironically, that your voice on these matters matters more. Thanks for speaking up.
I’ve written scads on the micro aggressions I observed in law school — particurally as a black woman at a very elite, white institution. I remember a professor once called on an Asian female student who reported her name was “Jenny.” He paused and then said: “Is that your American name?” When the class shifted uncomfortably he didn’t notice, doubling down with: “did you all know that sometimes Asians with difficult names will pick an AMERICAN name?” Meanwhile I wanted to die out of second hand embarassment for this poor girl. She goes on to say her name is just Jenny. The class gets past it but then a few minutes later another Asian woman gets called on — this time with a Chinese name. And the professor stops again and nods at the class knowingly. It was sick.
karimil, good for you! I had a similar experience throughout law school (what is it about law school and lawyers in general? – the old white male establishment is SO entrenched). I’m Indian, and there was another Indian woman in my class. I’ll concede that there could be some confusion as we did have the same (very, very, very common) last name and we did both (unusual for our heritage) have green eyes. (But would people mix up hazel-eyed Jennifer Jones and hazel-eyed Shirley Jones?) And oh yeah, we both had brown skin, black hair and were kinda’ short. What a coincidence! But in reality, we looked SO different. But people were ALWAYS addressing me by her name. Three years of that. Not just professors but other students – her friends! Oddly, it only went one way. People called me by her name, but when I finally met her and joked “she probably got the same thing all the time too,” she looked blank and said no, never. I consoled myself that this meant that HER friend circle didn’t know her very well in order to make that mistake, and that my friend circle knew me TOO well to ever mistake her for me.
Hi Nicole. I’m so glad you’re writing about this. I’m sorry you felt alone out there, but you’re not alone here. I wish I had something like this when I was in high school and usually the only brown person in a class. In biology class my teacher was talking about selective mating and turned to me and said, “But your parents are going to choose for you, right?”
My jaw dropped and I went “uhhh,” as the class laughed. “No?”
“Ah, a modern woman,” he said, as the class laughed again, in horror.
“Uhhhh,” I said, until my friend (the OTHER brown girl in the class) said, “Dr. Friedman, not all Indian people get arranged marriages!”
The class laughed again and the teacher went on with his lecture and I was left with the shame of the fact that I couldn’t defend myself. Me, the girl who made feminist rants or railed against the lack of minority representation in all my spare moments.
Anyway, after that I just can’t be chill about this — or awkward. I just get angry and make a weird, pointed joke. Like the other day at the DMV when a 90 year old woman turned to me and said, “Are you Indian?”
“No, I’m American,” I said, narrowing my eyes. “What about you?”
(She answered American and then we had a pleasant enough conversation about her visit to India and her children who were all retired.)
My race sass doesn’t always work, and it’s not very charming, but it’s the one of the few things I draw a hard line about. Also, sometimes it is charming — like one time I was escorting this speechwriter for work (he was also in his 90’s) and he asked where my parents were from. And I said, “India. Where are YOUR parents from?” And he laughed and I think he said Denmark before settling in Wisconsin??? Which was pretty cool??? Anyway, yeah.
it’s the one of the few things I draw a hard line about
[stands up, APPLAUDS FOREVER]
OMG Sulagna. Oh MY GOD.
Sulagna 🙁 🙁 🙁
“A MODERN WOMAN”
HOW IS THIS MAN STILL ALIVE
Lightning bolts. That’s the zinger I’ve been looking for all this time.
I finally have a term for what I’ve always referred to as my inability to let race things go by! ‘Race sass’, I love it! I had a similar interaction to your speechwriter one where I was asked my name (which is ethnic but super easy to pronounce so say like Amina for example) by a white guy in his 50s and he repeated the pronunciation and then asked how to spell it. Then I asked his name and he responded David and I asked pointedly ‘So that’s D-A-V-I-D’?? and he paused and said ‘Touche’.
My hands down fave interaction of this type was when I was accosted by a drunk womanr and she gushed over how pretty I was but then followed up with ‘ You know you look just like Lupita Nyong’o.’ Which yes, is a very nice compliment considering how gorgeous Lupita is. BUT we genuinely look absolutely nothing alike. Completely different shades of black skin, different hair styles, height/weight, literally everything. So I responded curtly ‘Thank you but we actually look nothing alike and you’re only saying that because we’re both black’ and then without waiting for a response, walked away. Basically the only time that kind of situation didn’t leave me upset and angry but just with a smile of cold satisfaction.
It could have been “Dafydd” if he were Welsh
Irrelevantly, there actually is a Denmark, Wisconsin. I used to live near it. Maybe that’s where his parents were from.
Maybe! Now I don’t know. Maybe he said they were Danish? Forgive me, Elena I am getting old.
This conversation is even more appalling than it sounded when you described it on Twitter. You gave her a chance to retract or reframe, but instead she doubled down. “You must get this a lot”? ” “That other ethnic show”?! Yikes, lady: NOPE.
Here’s the tricky part for bystanders, for people who overhear racist remarks but aren’t targeted by them: Alone with this woman’s statements, I’d feel free to shut her down with “WHOA, what does that mean?” or “NOPE” or even a quiet “That’s… pretty broad, Marcia.” (I named her Marcia in my head, idk why, no offense to actual Marcias out there. I’ve known some Marcias, they’ve been great.)
But as A Well-meaning White Lady™ seeing you outface a microaggression (and assuming I was aware it was happening, from within my bubble of privilege), I’d be trying to gauge your reaction and calibrate my own to yours. I wouldn’t want to presume to navigate this experience you have too often and I never have directly, or to seem to instruct you or rescue you from it.
I’m not trying to let your dining companions, or myself by extension, off the hook. I’m trying to assess the space between
A. standing up against insidious racism so my POC friends, family, and colleagues don’t feel they always have to be the ones to do it;
B: respecting the particular POC’s preferred mode of handling an ugly situation in the moment.
Because yes, you shouldn’t feel like it’s always and only your responsibility to confront racism in a room full of people who care about you; it’s not okay that her kind of quiet, everyday racism is normalized by people not bristling over it. But I just don’t know where the line is between standing up for the people and principles I care about and trampling those same people’s reactions in favor of principles. That’s an inadequate explanation, just as saying I’m sorry this happened to you in what should have been a safe space is inadequate. But they’re both true, inadequate as they are.
Oh, I definitely think most of the people who actually knew and cared about me (so, everyone but this lady) were a) trying to give me space to respond and MOSTLY b) caught off guard and just not sure what the fuck to say. I’m sure some of them also thought, okay, I’ll take my cue from Nikki.
No one said anything to me afterwards, which I kinda wish they had, but later I heard that my husband and brother-in-law started to discuss it and then got sidetracked by one of my children. I know my BIL noticed, though at the time I wasn’t sure if anyone had.
I’m glad to hear the moment didn’t pass unnoted by the people who care about you, even if it did pass unremarked-upon. And I’m so, so sorry it happened at all.
Thanks for writing this; it’s a good reminder to use the conversational power allotted to me to shut this stuff down where I can, and to always be probing my own thoughts and speech for unrecognized racism, because few people within a racist system don’t harbor some racism themselves.
Great article…As another “well-meaning white lady TM”–I love that–I carry and deploy as needed two words: “really?” and “ouch!”….helps to arch the eyebrows….
I also think that it is ok to say something gently without waiting for the targets’ reaction–because I am offended/stunned also…
I relate to this so hard! My biggest question is how do you all cope with the situation replaying itself in your head over and over, long after the event? I sometimes feel like I’m giving the comments more power, or the person more ill will, or myself an ugly shame spiral that goes on and on! Sometimes I find myself reliving events even if I’ve fully confronted and dealt with the person and they’ve changed their ways, and that doesn’t seem fair…
Is there a way to flatly acknowledge what you should have done differently, hopefully learn from it, and then get your dumb brain to stop retreading?
well…I wrote this essay?
Talking about it first with my husband and some friends helped, and then I decided to kind of work on it all through writing. Because I had a lot I wanted to say about the memories and feelings this incident dredged up for me. I wasn’t sure I’d publish it, then decided to go ahead.
While I know social shares and comments and the like don’t have a LOT to do with how good the writing is, the kind feedback I’ve gotten on this piece does make me feel validated. Like, it’s not just me; that was fucked up and there are people in the world who can recognize that. It would still be fucked up even if NO ONE agreed with me, of course! But I am only human and knowing other people understand and relate does help.
I don’t have direct experience with this situation but I do have PTSD related anxiety and I’ve had a lot of experience trying to cope with situations replaying themselves in my head over and over and over and over.
For me, the most useful technique I’ve learned is a type of mindfulness, where I calmly and non-judgmentally observe (silently to myself) that I’m thinking about my conversation with acquaintance. And I do it over and over again, until the conversation stops replaying in my head. What I like about this technique is that it separates the facts from the emotions and it tends to make it easier to process the situation.
And it also usually helps to do something to get it out of my head – like write it down or talk with a trusted friend. And then I can decide if I need to take action or not. And then I do my mindfulness thing.
I just got great advice on this recently. I hate replaying situations over and over in my head, essentially torturing myself.
This helps a bit: Imagine if one of your best friends was the one in your situation. What would you say to them when they told you about it? Would you be as hard on them as you are on yourself? Treat yourself with the same kindness. Forgive yourself for being human.
Anyone else humming this song right now? TMBG, speaking the truth since 1990.
YEP
Totally
Sadly, we find WAY too many occasions to sing it! Thank god it’s so catchy.
Hi Nicole! I have gotten comments like this too, my dad is Indonesian, my mother was white. I sometimes think that people don’t know how truly offensive this is. I have run into it countless times. My strategy is diffusing with humor, but that is my go to in most uncomfortable situations. I usually say “I know, we all look alike to you” but with a laugh and for me, it lets me get my jab in but not have the evening/interaction fall apart. No one ever knows what to say after I say that. It is annoying to have to shoulder the burden of keeping the interaction from falling apart, but I have worked hard over the years to let that go, if that makes sense. This is their sh*t, not mine.
My other response when someone asks me some variation of “you have such an interesting look, where are you from” is Staten Island.
Love to you!
My stepdad has a strong accent from his country of origin, though he’s lived in the US for decades. After moving to Massachusetts from Texas, where he’d lived for many of those years, he started responding to “Where are you from?” questions with “Houston.”
It’s pretty great.
(I know it’s not the same thing, since he obviously has a marker of the US NOT being his country of origin. But I still get a kick out of it.)
That is AWESOME.
My face is burning right now, thinking of all the times I’ve been in this situation…. I can recall EVERY time I’ve had to choose between keeping silent to “keep the peace,” and responding genuinely.
The older I get, the harder it is to stay quiet, and by now I’m completely done with making sure white people are comfortable. I’ve done that enough times and it accomplishes nothing. Even my most eloquent, calm explanation of why-that-was-offensive still gets me branded as “angry,” so what’s the use of trying? And I have tried so many times, but it’s exhausting. And if my humanity and the fact that YOU HURT MY FEELINGS has no value to those people, then why should I value their dinner party? Or in fact, this dinner table…?
FLIP THE D*MN TABLE!!!
and thats my new philosophy.
at the very least, those assholes don’t get to count me as one of their “token non-white friends.” That’s right, I’m taking back the token.
This a million times.
I’m 51 and I’m tired of putting up, shutting up. I’m just too old and too cranky for the keep-it-calm, keep-the-peace bullshit. As I see it, the person who made the offensive remark has given me a LOT of leeway in my response, because I can do or say quite a lot before I reach their level of offensiveness. Everyone around me gets uncomfortable? Just remember who it was that started this nonsense: NOT me and my reply. Mine was the first discomfort.
I had to slap down a fool at a New Year’s Eve party who made a truly stupid remark about Black Lives Matter. He survived it and so did I.
Yes, completely! They are the one who threw down the gauntlet, they should be prepared for a response of equal intensity!
High five for the smackdown. Grown adults can handle a grown criticism of their poor decisions. They will certainly survive. The only ones who deserve a *gentle explanation* are children.
I wholeheartedly agree. This is a long, ragey, shouting, cursing post, but I am SO angry about this issue.
I am a disabled bi female, so I have some experience dealing with assholes, but I am also white. Today I’m lacking much of a filter, so I hope this post is not whitesplainey.
I’m married to a WOC. I’m ashamed to say that I was pretty blind to rampant racism before meeting my wife. I see now that it’s killing her, our family, and many other people. And I don’t mean just emotional death, a life of feeling beaten down and hopeless, although that is bad enough and has certainly affected us. I also mean that racism has obviously reached a point at which many people are being murdered, either overtly or more subtly.
For us personally, we are inundated with racism in almost every aspect of our lives right now. Let me give just one example. My wife has cancer. She was scheduled for chemotherapy both this week and 4 weeks ago. I also get chemo, from the same doctor and staff, and have never had mine delayed. I never even remember to call and confirm my appointments.
In contrast, both this week and last month, even though my wife called MULTIPLE times in the preceding weeks to confirm that the chemo had been approved, on the evening before each appointment she has been told that not only was there no approval, the request had never even been submitted by the doctor’s office for approval.
She then had to spend several hours on the phone trying to get emergency approval in the hope that she could get her chemo today, only to be treated incredibly rudely. In one case a staff member (the one who had told her 2 weeks ago that this week’s chemo was all set and approved!) told her that she would hang up if my wife didn’t “calm down,” and that the staff was doing my wife a huge favor in even taking her calls, because she should have requested approval earlier. Uh, what???
My wife had to become a raging bitch (more emotional work, and probably leading to more stereotyping) to even get the referral started.
Of course, yet again, just as happened a month ago, the approval was not completed in time. This week’s chemo is cancelled. My wife keeps up a brave face for the phone calls, but in between them she has spent the last 2 days sobbing. Neither the doctor nor the staff has ever given her even a simple explanation or apology. They don’t care about her life, and she knows it.
Once the chemo was finally officially approved, my wife had to try to schedule the appointment. This took hours, because the scheduler never answered or returned my wife’s calls. At the end of the day, I, giving a FAKE patient name and ID#, but possessing a white lady voice, was miraculously able to get right through to the scheduler. Next possible appointment for my wife? A whole damn month from now! In other words, potentially life-saving chemo has now been delayed for 2 whole months. And no, the doctor doesn’t care and won’t intervene to try to get a sooner appointment even though it was her staff’s fault.
And this is only one example of MANY, SO MANY. We feel beaten and hopeless. Even in the face of my wife’s life-threatening disease, asshole racists not only don’t care, they actively lie and put up roadblocks.
So I don’t care one damn bit if these assholes are uncomfortable at a party because of their own stupid remarks. I don’t care one damn bit if bystanders are uncomfortable. Their discomfort is NOTHING compared to the despair they cause in many lives.
Tl;dr If some asshole says something racist or otherwise bigoted, I will fucking call them out. On some days I might be more polite, which may be preferable when dealing with the “merely” clueless rather than the truly evil. But I have little sympathy even for the clueless, and I’m not in the mood to catch flies with honey. If someone else is the asshole’s target, I will try to take clues from them, but even then I worry that this puts too much of the emotional work burden on them. Frankly, given the havoc bigotry and discrimination cause in real lives, the bigot’s embarrassment means less than nothing to me.
Margay, what you write about is fully supported by statistics and anecdotes. I know of a woman where I live who knew she was ill for a long time before she could get any kind of test, and by the time she was diagnosed, she was terminal, her illness untreatable. She was my friend’s sister, an Indigenous woman in Vancouver, BC. This story is being repeated all across these lands. (And as someone currently getting the run around medically, but because I’m female, not because I’m POC, I can relate to the hopelessness part. I know it would be even more life-threatening if I was POC.)
I’m sorry this is your wife’s experience, and yours. I too can’t stomach the microaggressions. Mostly if they happen with my family I discuss things with the people responsible for which ever person is offensive, and expect they’ll do something about having a discussion. I know it is round about, but I come from an entirely non-confrontational family, and this seems to have the best learning outcome. It also ensures I will not be in the position of being the “good white person” who needs to be thanked, and I don’t put the person being offended in an awkward position. Because this is how emergent this stuff is. These people go out into the world and visit this upon people in life-and-death scenarios. Somewhere we’ve got to be a part of change.
What I really with someone has said her is “has anyone ever told you you look like everyone on Cheeers?”
This was really powerful, and as a white lady I’m reminded of my role as ally. I do think that other people could have called her out AND deflected the attention away from OP. It’s very easy to embarrass someone in a situation like this into silence when you’re not the target, and I will try to make sure I try to do that when I can.
Thank you. This is what I find most disturbing about this incident: that NO white person at the gathering bothered to “correct” this woman’s [not innocent, probably passive-aggressive, most assuredly] racist comments directed to someone they probably profess to like/love. What the hell is wrong with them? Do they secretly share this woman’s views? Sounds like it, at least on some level.
When someone (and yeah, white people aren’t the only ones who do it) makes a racist remark directed at me – whether it’s complimenting me on my English (4th generation Latina here) or asking “What ARE you?” as if because I’m dark but tall, speak English like everyone else, and am not outside tagging their walls I’m subverting all their prejudices – I usually say something snarky back, especially if everyone else is silent. If someone is rude to me (and asking racist questions IS rude), I’ll dish it right back. If no one else will educate this person, you’d better believe I will.
And don’t think this kind of “harmless” racism is confined to the racist making comments about race, ethnicity, skin color, eye shape, etc. My husband is Jewish, but “doesn’t look it,” nor does he have a “Jewish-sounding” last name, but he’s had to suffer in silence many times at business meetings and social gatherings when some wag offers up the latest hilarious anti-Semitic joke. He’s always chosen not to make a big deal out of it and retreats into the protection of his white skin and blue eyes. Unfortunately, most of us don’t have that luxury.
No. Not Cheers. “Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo,” would more aptly get the point across;)
thanks for sharing… in situations where I know few people, I tend to lower my expectations on people’s critical thinking and understanding of power, prejudice and privilege. That allows me to be more sociable 🙂
I don’t feel particularly good about it right at this moment, but for remarks directed at me personally my go-to strategy is usually “say nothing, let them live in ignorance.”
I don’t actually have a lot of faith in my ability to manage the situation in such a way as to not have the opposite of the intended effect (said the coward). If I have an overwhelming amount of social capital, maybe, but somehow the racism seems to happen a lot less often when that’s true. Shocking, I know.
I guess in most situations (and especially in geographic areas where racism is more out-front and pervasive), I just don’t think I have a lot to gain by standing up for myself right then. If it happens in the small circle of friends where I expect better, yes, but honestly I’m not that interested in helping co-workers or friends of friends be less racist. I’d rather use my limited influence to get them to cover my shifts, or let me steal fries off their plate. Most nights, I’d rather have fries than justice.
Your husband: “Y’know, people tell me she looks like Oprah Winfrey. I bet you get that a lot too.”
“I’m uncomfortable right now, sure — terribly so — but does that mean I have the right to make everyone else uncomfortable, too?”
yes, you absolutely do have the right. I’m sorry that no one spoke up. but, please, henceforth and from now on, resolve to call people out. resolve to make people uncomfortable when they are being racist. if people let a party be ruined because you stuck up for yourself, then that’s on them. if they blame you, well, now you know the truth.
The problem with doing this is that you can utterly lose your social network if you live in the wrong place or have bad luck. Like if I want to see my in-laws at all, or my parents, I have to tolerate them opening their mouths and saying racist, homophobic, ableist, transphobic, and misogynistic crap. You might say “so stop seeing them” except that for autism and depression reasons, they are the only people I know in RL besides my husband.
Sometimes it is less awful for me to pretend it doesn’t hurt me. Sometimes it’s less awful to just not talk to them. But it’s not simple or easy either way, and it’s not helpful to act like we are obligated to pass the discomfort on when that can just magnify it.
I really don’t think it even has to be as catostrophic as losing your social network. If I’m guest at someone else’s house, or someone else’s event (a birthday party, say), I might feel that it’s simply not my event to ruin—I may have the right (in an absolute sense) to risk derailing a friend’s birthday party into a conversation about racism, but I might make the calculation that, all things considered, I’d rather my friend have a grand night out with no friction, and let things slide.
You’re right – it doesn’t have to escalate to that level. It’s just the level where I live right now, so it’s where my mind goes.
Completely understandable, and I don’t want my comment to devalue yours at all. And I hope things get better for you.
The person calling out the racist remark as politely as possible is *never* the person who ruined the event. If we must point a finger for ruining the event, it is at the person who made the initial racist comment. Part of being an ally means making that point *perfectly* clear to the host and others in attendance if they don’t understand that in the first place. A host’s job should be to make sure that *all* of their guests have a good time. If one guest says something, like “you look like all the Asians on that TV show,” that makes it no longer possible for *all* the guests to have a good time, and in fact makes one or more guests actively miserable, the host’s alliances should be aligned with the wronged party. Obviously, this does not always happen. But privileged allies should make sure that it happens more often, when we find ourselves in a position to.
She has the right, but not the responsibility. The choice not to engage in the conversation about racism has to be respected, too … I mean, for the person who was insulted. The people with the responsibility to speak up are the bystanders, especially the white bystanders.
I may be misreading your comment, but it sounds a lot like I’m being told that as an Asian, I always an everywhere must call out microaggressions against Asians regardless of other factors. When my impression was that the piece was pointing out that those other factors do exist, and are nothing to sneeze at, and in some situations may weigh more heavily than “knowing the truth.”
Remember this part?
“The down side to every option on the table, for the person of color facing that decision, is that the fallout is then perceived as our responsibility. When did the party stop being fun for everyone? When we got mouthy. There is no real way for us to win, whether we cling to some notion of “the high road” or attempt to call out the racism we experience in order to sleep better that night.”
I don’t think the takeaway from the piece was “always say something all the time.” At least, that’s not what I got from it. It’s not easy navigating life as a… well, anyone, and I feel like committing myself to always speaking up in every situation would restrict my options more than I’m comfortable with. Maybe at this particular party speaking up would have been the better option, but I do believe that there are situations where letting a microaggression against me slide genuinely is the better option.
Yeah, agree. I feel like generally it’s more of a duty as a good person if it’s not directed at you. But it’s hard enough being part of an oppressed group without saddling us/them with the added burden of ‘you’ve acted incorrectly if you don’t speak up’ and it’s a burden that, if you’re not part of the oppressed group, you have no right to create.
Thank you for sharing this powerfully articulate piece; I’d like to think there’s a hope to imagine a different conclusion where perhaps there is a middle ground to actually discuss these careless microaggressions WHEN they happen, but as you detail the very tense silence of digesting the situation, the prospect looks bleak. I think this goes beyond white privilege into the more general territory of group mentality: wouldn’t the flip side, where in a group full of Asians where one Asian member has a white partner suddenly finds themselves having to field all sorts of casually racist things about “selling out” and “dating white,” have some similar tensions? Of course the racial power dynamics are starkly different, but the “mark of difference” as you say is almost always stated. I know in my group of Asian family and friends, the “difference” is practically ingrained the normal conversation. One especially stark tactic is when I hear my Chinese friends switch to speaking Chinese in a “side conversation” in the presence of someone who doesn’t speak it, just to slip in some comments they know the “different one” won’t understand.
Thank you. I could have written this post (if I were a decent, more articulate writer) 15 years ago (and many more times after that). No kids at the time, not married, but dating my husband-to-be and at a dinner party hosted by his mother. I don’t even remember what was said any more, just remember the struggle between giving into my anger and upsetting everyone or finding a witty response (and not finding any) that put her in place but keeping the peace or letting it go and maintaining the status quo. My husband was not in the room when it happened. Sometimes I still think of that moment, inwardly cringe and reprimand myself for not speaking up or being quick enough to find that witty response.
Flipping awesome and powerful essay, thank you for writing this.
So well put. Someone (I forget who) once said that “racism is the magic that makes your ignorance my problem.” In the time that you took to think all of this through thoughtfully and carefully, your dinner party acquaintance has likely given this zero thought since it happened. That’s time you could’ve spent with your children or partner, time you could have spent at hobbies or with friends — instead you have to re-hash careless racist comments. Thank you again for sharing.
That’s such a great quote.
The nice thing about being Latina and passing for white is I never feel uncomfortable calling white people out on racism in my earshot. Some prettttty crazy things get said when they don’t realize they’re in mixed company. Needless to say, I have no problem ruining parties. I have a ton of sympathy for this difficulty speaking out though. I’ve definitely seen it happen with friends. I guess in a sense I feel protected by looking white and so have no problem being rude to strangers because there’s a little less danger for me to do so. This is why I think of myself as a spy when among all white strangers, waiting for the jerky ones to out themselves.
I’m so impressed by your ability to take something so uncomfortable and offensive that happened to you and distill it into such a thought-provoking essay that, once again, I want to spread far and wide so it can change the world for the better.
This gave voice to my exact feelings about two incidents that happened over the holidays featuring the same woman (a casual acquaintance of my new boyfriend). The first time, I was silent, much as you describe for much the same reasons. The second time, I called her out. But I’ll admit, we were in a less intimate setting the second time, and it was the SECOND TIME in a week. We love in a small town, I thought. This will just keep happening. She’ll just keep trying to compliment me by saying I look like “Asian Björk” (the first time) or say things to prove she’s not racist, like “I’m not gonna tell you you look *just* like Margaret Cho. I bet you hear that all the time. She’s funny.” (The second time). Thank you for writing this piece and sharing it. It will help me to better articulate my anger and frustration on this subject.
Those two images are not even anything alike. “Asian Bjork” (???) and Margaret Cho? What a strange woman.
I’m really sorry about this lady you have to see, and she should not have said those things to you, but I will never stop laughing over the weird juxtaposition of Margaret Cho and ASIAN BJORK (????)
I was bewildered by what the dinner party guest could possibly have meant by “Do people ever tell you that you look just like everyone on that show? … You must get this a *lot*.” until I read Gina’s comment about the acquaintance trying to prove she *wasn’t* racist. (Who was it who said the best way to keep your feet out of your mouth is to keep it shut?)
I am white, so I cannot speak to dealing with racist remarks in this context; if I hear something, i say something, but it’s easier for me because I’m white, and I know that, and frankly, that’s WHY I say something whenever possible. That said, I am an engineer, and I work in an office in which I am the only full-time female engineer, and I do so relate to the whirring of the mind gears and the blushing and the silent calculus and trying to decide if I want to be the “angry feminist” today. I’m not saying the experience is the same, because it’s not, but mostly I’m trying to say that this piece is incredibly powerful in the way it describes what goes through our heads in moments like that.
When I think about the relative size and scope of microaggressions, I can’t help but feel ashamed of my inadequate responses. If these are just small offenses, not meant to wound, why can’t I ever manage to shut them down effectively, ensure they aren’t wielded again and again against others?
There’s a reason they’re called microAGGRESSIONS. They are aggressive, and just because they’re micro doesn’t meant they don’t hurt just as much as any other aggression. The “micro” is only there to inform the victims that the offender probably doesn’t even realize what they’re doing, and that any response will be taken as an “over-reaction” or “being too sensitive”. I try to remember this whenever possible; it rarely helps in the moment, but it sometimes helps with the guilt afterward.
I’m sorry you had to deal with that over the holidays.
Whoops, replied to the wrong comment. This is totally subjective and may not apply to all situations, but at the times this has happened to me and no one spoke up, I have greatly appreciated it when bystanders have found me afterwards and said “wow, what so-and-so said was really racist, what a jerk,” or even “was it me, or was what so-and-so said kind of racist?” It always helps to know that I’m not imagining it or insane.
Whoops, I think in my earlier comment I was trying to reply to a completely different comment. Sorry, that must have been confusing.
I try to use my words but I have a horrible nervous tic of laughing when I find something uncomfortable or unpleasant. I’ve recently started trying to repurpose this by cutting off the laughter and saying, “I’m not laughing because that was funny; I’m laughing because you actually felt it was acceptable to say that, and that is hilarious.”
Powerfully written. I am so sorry you had this over the holidays. I have no idea whether my own strategies would work in your personal scenarios, but I have grown more comfortable with one way of taking control over such offensiveness.
Over time, I have found my way out of the do-or-don’t mess. I do not deal with a commonly known situation (although my ethnicity does feed into the ignorant questions sometimes). However, I have had to hear so many very inappropriate things said about my physical makeup and background often enough that I have developed the following response structure.
I pretend that the person has a simply a “minor case of misinformation,” at least in my assumed tone toward them. (I am a career academic, which helps me “pretend” well.) I lightly, but clearly, take the onus off of the person who said it (and those in the room listening with confusion and discomfort) by saying,
“Common misperception. Where did you say you were from again? Oh, yes, I can see where you might not have enough familiarity to know this. But to answer your question, yes, something like that has come up before. People who _know_me_ know that’s not something worth bringing up. Oh? You meant it as a compliment? Yes, they are all very attractive people on that show. But with time, I’m sure you might notice that they and I look nothing alike. Aside from being brunette and biped, I suppose, ha. (Then insert quickly:) Would someone please pass me more of that delicious casserole?”
It might disgruntle a few people who want the whole thing shoved under the rug. But I find that most listeners who are my loved ones and good friends feel relieved when I do this–and tell me so later. The person in question may look a little thrown off, but my not coming across as “emotional” (one of the stereotypes I deal with personally) usually helps them recover. At the same time, my response tips them off enough to stifle any further “commentary.” It’s been road tested, shall we say.
Good luck in future encounters with these characters. I believe there really IS a way to meet these awful moments in ways that won’t make you feel that “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” mess of emotions. It doesn’t always work perfectly, but almost always I feel better for having politely altered the contours of the conversation.
I look forward to reading in upcoming columns about how you discover even better ways than mine for countering this.
Yes, this. I have taken time to come up with responses to certain….ahem….situations. They are as you say road tested, with extremely consistent results that drive home that “you’re an ass” message very politely.
I’ve been mulling what the bystanders in this situation could have said.
“Good heavens. WHAT did you just say? Didn’t your family teach you it’s rude to comment on anything about people that they can’t change, like their appearance? You wouldn’t like it if I said, ‘Gosh, you look older than your age.'”
Because, in addition to the racist or homophobic or fatphobic or antifeminist elements in these micro aggressive remarks, they are just plain rude. And rudeness can be called out by anyone because it’s universal. We have all been rude, had people be rude to us, and been trained not to be rude.
So, I, an older white woman who has raised kids, can stick to what I know — rudeness — and not pretend to speak for or about brownness, blackness, fatness, homosexuality, or whatever the comment targeted.
It is a rebuke, of course, but one that everyone at the table can comment on, so the discussion can open up and not leave the target hanging out alone.
This is so wonderfully written and powerful. I can only relate in perhaps 1/10th of a fashion, being Irish-born (adopted to and grew up in the US) and sometimes having been the butt of some fairly obnoxious stereotyping. I have zero tolerance for intolerance of any sort. And yes, I am that cranky white bitch who will say something. I find as I get older (55), I am more apt to say something. But I do understand the nuance and fragility of some situations, and would never want to embarrass a friend by standing up for him/her in a way that could cause further problems. It’s such a dilemma and I certainly don’t want to be exercising white privilege in taking on a battle perhaps best left alone. If there’s the possibility of somehow getting a quick word in to and approval from the friend offended, like a whispered “is it okay if I say something?” or some body language to gauge it, I would go for it. I do think any opportunity we have to stamp out racism or just gently remind people it’s not okay to make even micro-aggressive comments like that, we should take it. So sorry you had to experience that and feel so disempowered. If you ever need a cranky, assertive white Irish bastard to be your wing-woman at a dinner table, I’m your lady.
I feel a similar way that you do all the time. It’s nice to see it put in words. Great piece.
This is really powerful and has me remembering and thinking about some of the micro aggressions that I’ve witnessed and not called out because of a combination of shock and the social calculus you describe.
As a white woman, I want to be braver about calling out casual racism because I think it’s important and easier for a white person to do it, but it’s not exactly easy, at least not for me. There are a couple incidents in my past that really bother me because I wish I’d spoken up or said more – I like to think that obsessively thinking about them will prepare me better in the future (rather than just turning me into an anxiety ridden social outcast).
Thanks to some of your articles on The Toast, I have become more proactive about responding to casual racism in my extended family, particularly in front of my nephew, who was adopted from Thailand by my white Jewish SIL. Last Thanksgiving, watching the coverage of Ferguson together was particularly fraught – but for once I didn’t just keep quiet (although the responses I came up with later were MUCH better than whatever I said at the time).
In general, my two default responses to WTF offensive questions are “Wow.” and “Why do you want to know? / Why are you asking me this?”
My Carrie Fisher three feelings are reserved for animals, books/tv/movies, and food. As a consequence, I have zero fucks to give about human shenanigans. Racists have terrible boundaries; it’s up to me to fix that.
Invite me to any and all parties! I am happy to ladysplain why what that person said is wrong and hurtful.
i dunno, this might not be that much of a comfort, but as a white person who’s held my tongue in moments where i wished i’d spoken up, i feel pretty sure that you were not the only one up late still thinking about it and wondering how to do it better next time.
the catch-22 for me as a white ally in that situation is “do i say something in defense of this person so they don’t have to (again) be the one instigating the teaching moment? or do i not say something because that might be perceived as a white person (again) speaking for/speaking over a person of color?”
i’ve started trying to personalize teaching moments as a way to de-escalate while still getting my point across… “oh man, that would make me so sad if someone said that to me. can you imagine?”
thank you for opening up and sharing your story. i think it’s the only way we’ll get better together.
ALWAYS SAY SOMETHING. You will be the one to open the conversation, not the poc. Even if you fucked up, you opened the floor to talk about race. Not the person of color.
It is SO EXHAUSTING to be a person of color because we are ALWAYS the ones who bring up the race discussion. ALWAYS. It’s alienating and isolating, you easily become that ONE PERSON who keeps bringing race into every discussion and are a killjoy- no one wants to hang out with the person who always makes you feel guilty for being white (white fragility is a thing).
Fantastic article! While we are not married (and we don’t have children between each other), my BF of 5 years is White; I am Black. He also has a daughter who is 1/2 Black (we’ve been together since she was 1). For me, I feel that the stereotype of the “Angry Black Woman” has worked in my favor; because I haven’t really had to field race insensitive comments from his family. Plus my BF is an angrier Black woman than I am. One time we were playing a trivia game and we had teams. There were categories in popular music and sports; and by default if the correct answer was a Black athlete or singing group, the question would inadvertently be directed towards me. This happened about three times before my BF said “Stop looking at her to answer all the sports and music questions! Just because she’s Black doesn’t mean she automatically know the answers!” His mother and aunt stumbled over apologies…embarrassed by the faux pas. Quite innocuous to me. Flattering even perhaps?
But what is more concerning to me, which I have raised issue with, is a kind of attitude of bewilderment that they have towards my BF’s daughter. They love her to pieces. However they say things like “Ask Shona to fix your hair so that it looks pretty.” or “Shona, maybe you can teach her how to do that dance?” or “Shona what do Black families do on {enter random holiday here}” (they do not have a good relationship with her mother and the only conversations my BF and his family seem to have with her are arguments). I try to encourage them and explain that I do not need to be a mediator between them and her. Yes, I have a lifetime of being a Black woman and can share my experiences with her and them and help. However I don’t need to be a gatekeeper. And so what if you can’t braid Black hair. Don’t be afraid to do what you can. Don’t be afraid that you are going to slight her by negating her Black culture. We may be of different races, but American culture is the foundation for more commonalities between us than differences. My father is an immigrant and I have more in common with my BF’s White family, in terms of lifestyle, then I do with my own Black/Indian (I’m 1/4 Indian too) family that lives in Jamaica.
And ultimately I think that is what really bothers us and boils our blood. We are the same in 90% of the things. Yet White folks focus on the 10% that differentiates us. It is such a small part but it puts us in the “other” category. Like we are put behind a chainlink fence and we are on the outside looking in. We can talk and be friendly and interact over the fence. But still…the fence remains up and won’t be taken down — or even worse, it is denied that the fence is even there.
THIS. I see this all the time. I had to figure out this in order to join the human race and to understand what it meant to move beyond whiteness.
“And ultimately I think that is what really bothers us and boils our blood. We are the same in 90% of the things. Yet White folks focus on the 10% that differentiates us. It is such a small part but it puts us in the “other” category. Like we are put behind a chainlink fence and we are on the outside looking in. We can talk and be friendly and interact over the fence. But still…the fence remains up and won’t be taken down — or even worse, it is denied that the fence is even there.”
Exactly this! Just last night I took an improv class where the instructor kept calling me by the name of the only other Asian woman in the class (even though I’m a short-haired tomboy and she was 10 years older with long hair). I didn’t say anything because it was improv and we were all supposed to be light-hearted. Thank you so much for this article!
I feel one of the best ways to respond to statements or jokes such as this, or any sort of sexist or racist remarks, is to respond with ignorance (even if you know what they mean), and ask follow up questions like, “Oh I don’t get it, how do we look alike?”. By having to delve further and describe why usually results in the person crashing and burning, all while you remain calm and innocent
I was going to say something very similar. If someone says something offensive, try responding with something like “what do you mean?” or “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.” This puts the responsibility back on them to explain themselves. The hopeful outcome here is that in trying to explain, they will begin to understand how inappropriate their comment/question was…and hopefully everyone else will see, as well.
As is with everything like this, it’s always easier said than done. I’m generally very non-confrontational, so even with this approach, I’m not as consistent as I should be.
Two years ago I was sitting outside of a coffee shop in my hometown talking with a man that everyone in the little downtown area affectionately called “Grandpa” about how I was planning on buying a place in Atlanta.
As soon as I mentioned the Atlanta bit, he looks at me says “But isn’t it a little… dark down there?”
The most bizarre part of this is that I in no way pass as white. I’m Colombian, and ethnically ambiguous enough that I’ve grown up with people asking me “what are you?”
So I did what had been ingrained in me to do- I laughed. I said “Grandpa, I’m a little dark”
And he tried to argue with me that I wasn’t that kind of dark. To this day, I still wonder why my first instinct was to laugh. Reading this helped.
Sounds like a perfect reply. A touch of friendly humor can help make the point while avoiding confrontation and smoothing over awkwardness. When people feel attacked, they get defensive. The risk is that they may become less open to your viewpoint.
Years ago, a new employee of mine asked a smart, accomplished MBA at a meeting, “Where are you from?” He asked only her, because her grandparents were from India. She stammered, “Uh, Iowa.”
Enraged I shouted from two feet away, “WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT! NEVER ASK THAT AGAIN!” Then I glared at him in silence for a long moment and re-started the meeting without speaking to him the rest of meeting.
The thing is, I still burn with shame years later. He was my employee, I invited him to the meeting and he disgraced both of us in front of an important colleague.
My OH is a BBC and he gets that all the time. He used to reply with an elaborate story about how his parents are from HK etcetera now he will reply with ‘Manchester’ and the question is usually followed up with ‘No, where are you REALLY from’!!! MAN it annnnnnoys me! I usually jump in with MANCHESTER. He’s from MANCHESTER, WHY DO YOU ASK, are you actually meaning to ask what is your cultural heritage? He is Third generation British Passport – I’m only first generation. My parents are Irish – he’s more british than me! Yet he’s the one who gets that question because of the colour of his skin! Some people really don’t realise the absolute INSULT in this question. ROAR
Been there…amongst very nice, polite and casually racist people. What gets me is that even if I point out the offensiveness of certain remarks, I don’t think it would change the beliefs in the person’s head.
Sometimes its good to be southern. You can just look at the person straight in the eye (condescendingly of course) and say, ‘bless your heart’. Pause long enough for it to sink in (about a second or two), and then ask someone to pass the peas.
Please accept my apologies for having to suffer through such rude, ignorant comments from such rude, ignorant people. Had I been a guest, I am fairly certain I’d have had to answer for you,”Gee, not anytime in the last couple hundred years, no. Your parents don’t let you out much, do they?”
Thank you for writing this and sharing it. Micro aggressions and responding to them are something that I find really hard to articulate and the way you wrote this was incredible and illuminating.
There’s a gaming group at uni that I’m a part of that I really enjoy largely because a lot of people there can talk about things other than video games. One day a bunch of us ended up talking about dating and what not and I mentioned that I had stopped dating and was more interested meeting the right person than going on the right date. The person next to me chimes in with “Oh, so I guess your only sex options are celibacy… or getting raped” and then laughs
1) I am a rape survivor.
2) As great as that group is, there is only one person in that group who I have revealed that part of my personal history to. I do not want to tell others there because I do not have the energy to unpack that kind of baggage in a group setting and do not want to run the risk of it being an object of gossip again.
3) Trying to figure out a way to respond to that without shouting “what makes you think that’s funny?” in the time limit of responding is incredibly difficult.
4) Looking around to other people to see if at least wanting to shout and yell is an appropriate response/ I’m not the only one who heard that right?
Oh. My. God.
Go ahead and yell.
I’m so sorry that happened to you.
When I’ve been exposed to that sort of behaviour (second hand because as a white male people don’t pull that sort of bullshit on me) I’ve started treating them like I did when my 5 year old said something wildly inappropriate. I told a grown man to go sit on the front steps and think about what he said and that he could come back when he was ready to apologize and act civilized. After doing this with him twice he gets twitchy and eyes me sometimes when he starts to say something and then stops but at least no one in the group has to put up with him vocally exposing his ass.
Excellent! Make ’em twitch…
Shit, that’s really horrible, and it sounds awfully like a veiled rape threat to me. Can you talk to people about getting him out of the group? You don’t have to reveal your personal history, it’s completely unacceptable of him to have said that to anyone. What’s the bet that it’s a classic “missing stair” scenario, and he’s making other people uncomfortable too? Could you maybe talk to the people who run the group?
I did have a word with the guy who runs the group a few months later and I mentioned her by name. There hasn’t been a repeat incident since which is fortunate.
A withering stare is a great tool in situations where a full verbal response could make things worse. I’ve employed an angry, disapproving stare several times to great effect.
I think we share some personality trates, though not ethnicity. Never sure what to say at that awkward moment until hours or days later I eventually gave up trying, now I just through out an outrageous off the wall thing. Figuring that if I was going to be embarrassed it should be for something “I” say or do. Months and sometimes years later when I am still fretting over things, my friends would compliment me on my humor. It still leaves me wondering but unable to ask, did they understand why I do that?
I needed to read this.
thank you for saying what many of us are thinking. especially as a female of any minority (religion or race), the minute we open our mouths and “disrupt,” we are designated “token bitch” of the party. Awesome feeling to be the Debbie Downer. I dont know what the right answer is in these situations…talk about it on the spot, or pull that one person aside and have a discussion directly with them?
I like to talk about it on the spot to correct anyone else in the room whose in agreement with the dipshit I’m about to ream. But I’ve been practicing on my family since I was around 12, to the point where my family’s nickname for me was ‘The Lawyer’ because I would step in on any conversation I spied racism, sexism and general ignorance. Years later, my nickname at university was ‘The Ice Queen’ because people mistook my call-you-out behaviour as “classic cold bitch behaviour”. I’m 28 now and could give a rat’s ass about hurt feelings and ruining a party atmosphere, it’s better than living with the feeling of things unsaid. Who gives a fuck if they feel victimized, they didn’t hesitate to give voice to their thoughts, did they? The only time to give pause is in the work environment and there are still ways to make your point there. The status-quo doesn’t change by itself.
Plus your sort of “ruining a party atmosphere” is “making some people feel a bit uncomfortable, usually a correct shame response to having been bigoted” and theirs is “making one or more marginalised person feel horribly attacked and really wrecking their evening”.
I agree with calling people out publicly if you can. Another reason is because that way, other people who are feeling hurt will know that they are being defended, that they are not just sitting in a room full of bigots who are all sitting back and letting this happen to them.
Extremely well done.
A favorite response of mine to “and where are you from?”
“Well, ethnically I’m Indian, but I’m from Pennsylvania.”
I read this earlier today and can’t stop thinking about it. I hope you speak up next time. I hope I speak up next time.
This is not meant to derail, but I think it’s interesting (as a white person who aspires to give as little support to structural racism as possible) when the author mentions the fallout being the responsibility of the minority.
I’ve actually tried to call out casual racism at family gatherings and in the office, and I’ve felt similarly. Everyone seems very sad, disappointed, scared–what’s the matter with me, that I would deliberately misconstrue a statement, or be so unnecessarily abrasive about it, or whatever. Why would I make everyone’s nice time hostile?
And afterward I become that person everyone feels they have to walk on eggshells around, because she’s So Sensitive and has maybe Got An Agenda and just Wants To Be Offended. Et cetera.
Oh, how easy it is to dismiss and derail when you’re not allowed to call out bullshit lest you ruin everyone’s nice time. There’s an element of: they felt safe being racist among likeminded racists until you showed up.
But…just now I’ve thought…how does this overlap with the idea of social justice’s safe spaces? It’s not uncommon in online safe spaces for people to use hyperbole and shorthand to express their frustrations and ideas. When someone wanders in and doesn’t get the context, and reacts from that position, there’s a bit of a pile on–excuse me! this is a safe space! if you can’t respect that, leave!
I see a distinction between mainstream and marginalized speech, but… Isn’t there supposed to be an objective standard of appropriate behavior we’re seeking…? I don’t know. It’s a new thought to me.
Thought-provoking post, thanks!
One response idea I’d like to toss into the discussion: “You mean, because we’re all Chinese?? Ha ha… [with an eye roll to signal how ridiculous you find that sentiment in the 21st century]”
Why it could work: it repeats the crux of the offensive comment for all to hear, briefly empathizes with the intended (albeit misguided) humor or compliment, and dismisses it as dumb or passé. I think this is the kind of response someone who doesn’t feel threatened could give. Which is exactly what you’d like to come off as in your reply. Humor + dismissal, as opposed to fight vs. flight.
Hey, it’s 2016 and you think all Asians are Chinese! Haha! And also that our heroine wasn’t trying to think of a quip! Hoho!
I’m Korean, actually.
D’oh, sorry. I took a bet to sound more precise, but should have stuck with “Asian.”
I think you might have missed the point here.
My daughter was adopted from China into our Caucasian family. At her school, she was for a time one of only two girls of Asian descent. The other girl was half Caucasian, half Vietnamese. Their classmates insisted that they looked alike (this was in first grade) even though they are quite dissimilar. I had to tell my daughter many times that though they are both of Asian descent, they really are very different in appearance before she internalized this information. I saw it as a small first step to helping her stand up to the message that “they all look alike.”
I can totally believe this happened. I’m sorry you internalized any humiliation, even for a moment because the comment says everything about the person who said it and nothing about you. I probably would have repeated what she said, “did you just ask me if hear often that I look like every character on a show with an exclusively Asian cast?” And stared at her. Then after a few seconds, asked someone to pass the chick pea salad. I was at a party a few years ago and a Caucasian guy from Texas seriously said to me, “so are all the black women in DC as pretty as you because they are pretty rough in Houston.” I was outdone. Everyone at our table was stunned to silence and red faces were all around. I stammered a bit and I think I said, “I like to think all my sisters are beautiful.” It was the best I could do. Like you, I just wanted to keep everyone comfortable. I like to think I’d have a more effective answer if it happened again. But the moment is the moment, I get it.
Gasp! I’m belatedly horrified on your behalf.
ohhhhhhh noooooooo
(I’m from Houston and I just want to hit that dude so hard, I knew so many lovely black women. Apart from my best friend from high school and others I’ve known since junior high, there was a Lesbians of Color group that was a-fucking-mazing to me, invited me to join and always made me welcome, they were gorgeous and lovely inside and out. They are among those I miss most in Houston.)
Often, as WOMEN, regardless of our race, we are put in the peacekeeping position at our own expense.
Fuggetaboutit.
Good stuff.
Which is bloody annoying, because it seems to be much easier and safer for men to do it.
How about, “Yes. I know. They are all so attractive.” Is that return micro aggression?
Incredible insight and a great read.
As a minority, I can relate to the specific situation. I don’t think of myself as sensitive in the least, but I’ve often been expected to brush off insensitive comments, or worse, to join in the laughter in order to not be perceived as a buzzkill.
Your writing also has broader appeal (in my opinion) for anyone who’s ever felt like an outsider in a social setting. It’s truly evocative of the thought process, uncontrollable emotional response, state of paralysis, and PTSD-like regret that I go through every time someone tries to knock me down a peg or two in a social setting even if it is not by means of a racist comment. I’ve never been able to articulate the process as well as you do here, and it’s great to hear that other people go through the same thing.
I felt this way when my white mother-in-law (well, step-mother in law; not my husband’s bio mom) put on my Facebook wall “Why don’t you post something a bit more upbeat?” This was after the Trayvon Martin incident and right as the Mike Brown one was occurring. I wanted to say, “Because, b****, I have two black sons and I have to worry about this s***.” Of course, because I love my father-in-law (and I don’t exactly hate her), I didn’t say that. I merely say, “Well, with two black sons, it may not be the most upbeat info, but it’s very important to me. (Smiley face.)”
Le sigh…Keeping the peace is a heavy yoke.
Sounds like a good response to me. Sometimes insensitivity comes from ignorance. Your answer helped educate her as to why these incidents meant so much to you.
I try to gasp audibly and open my eyes really wide when someone makes a racist comment. Sometimes if it feels right I’ll say, “oh, wow, oh gosh,” or “Jesus!” or something. It is def my job as a white person to make that white person uncomfortable.
As a queer white woman with a multi-racial family, I’ve been privileged enough that I rarely get weird “look alike” comparisons (aside from the occasional “all redheads look alike” nonsense), but have many times been exposed to various microagressions aimed at my family or friends, or at my sexuality or gender. If a person from the group targeted by the microagression is present, I give them first opportunity to speak up, because I don’t want to signal that I think they’re weak and need protection or are any way incapable of defending themselves, but if they don’t address it (and it won’t cost me a job or client or put me in physical danger), I’ll usually speak up and put that white privilege to use for a worthwhile purpose. The party pooper is the person making the comment, not the one calling it out, in my eyes.
Some of the responses I’ve used with varying degrees of success:
“Did you forget your glasses tonight? They look nothing alike.”
“Gosh, I don’t know. All white people look alike to me.”
“Huh, that’s funny. You know, you look just like Peg Bundy/Marge Simpson/the dead hooker on last week’s Law & Order SVU/this woman I saw on the ‘people of Walmart’ website/(some other clearly unflattering comparison).”
“You do realize this is my family you’re talking about, right? How many DUIs does your dad have, again?” (When a high school boy was parroting his father’s assertion that all Native Americans are alcoholics)
“You do realize you said that in your ‘out loud’ voice, right?”
“Generally whoever buys the ring” (In response to my sister’s clueless query as to how LGBTQ couples could ever figure out which partner should propose marriage)
I’m a programmer and had to work for over two years on a project with an old, white, misogynist, racist man who believed my work should be limited to making the user interface ‘pretty’ (because that’s what women are good at, amirite?) and constantly referred to objects (forms, tables, modules, etc.) as ‘guys’ (as in, “They’ll use this guy to check the inventory”) and used other weirdly gendered language. I couldn’t call him out face-to-face because that would put me in danger of losing my job, but I did set up his email program to replace every use of the word ‘guy’ with ‘penis’, which at least limited him to doing that face-to-face.
I love all these wonderful terrible stories of humans trying / hoping / working to be kind toward ignorance.
But truly this is why I have 7 friends. I am terrible at the laugh and deflect. I have no skills at ignoring ignorance. I go hard and fast and shut shit down. I was trying to be nicer and more patient- but why?? I know who I am at this point and that is not a shrinking violet. I am a Black woman in America and I have witnessed madness. So I call you out on your dumbness when it happens, as this is a learning opportunity for you and a teaching moment for anyone else present. I have never been able to sit in silence. In high school I was one of five Black students in our AP English class of 20.
Our teacher was assigning literature to each student individually. She gave me a passage that contained the N word three times. I read it, raised my hand and asked for another assignment as the N word was not in my vocabulary- (15 year old reasoning but still…)
She refused to change my assignment and I left the room and went to the Principal and called my parents. Guess what? New assignment by the end of the day. Not having nonsense since 1985. X
This was amazing. I really related to this as an Asian-American. Thanks for putting all of the anxiety and shame and bewilderment so eloquently.
You’re a better person than me. i would started with something like “oh you’re being facetious….. And ended somewhere with race icy stereotypes” but only in polite company situations.
I am Indian-American and I got this comment from a white european guy while I was traveling in India. In India! The moron casually made this comment in response to my husband remarking that he thought he had seen the guy in the previous town we were in. I didn’t come back with any response, and thought about it all day and kicked myself for not. What an asshole! Being in India and saying he can’t tell because all Indians look the same! Not that it’s okay anywhere, but it just seemed all the more ironic.
It is the job of the white hosts, and of every well meaning white person in the room, to deal with racial microaggressions. Period. Everyone in that room failed. If the racist idiot who made that comment was actually senile or something, someone should have pulled the victim aside and explained the situation quietly. If she was just an obnoxious racist, ANYONE white in that room should have reprimanded her. Period.
Your pieces are great and make people think.
(Trying to drown out the horrible and “ACTUALLY” and “Have you considered…” comments in the queue.)
This is much appreciated, thank you!
I cannot effing believe they are harassing you over this perfectly reasonable and thought-provoking piece which should just make people feel less alone, and/or reflect on the things they say and fail to say.
Well, I can believe it, but it makes me want to burn stuff.
obviously I’m glad the piece is being read (I did not expect it to be read this widely!) but I just have to wonder about white men who are like “if I’D been the one to say this thing to you, here is what I would want you to say to me!” lol PLEASE PROCEED, GOVERNOR
When faced with such ‘microaggressions’ (which aren’t all that ‘micro’), my favourite trick is to fire back in kind, with stories like, “when I was a kid and first moved to Canada, I couldn’t tell the difference between white people, they all looked the same to me…”, or “Gutentag, sprechen Sie Deutsche?” then act all surprised when they don’t respond in German.
Nothing like putting your shoe on someone else’s foot and getting them to start walking a mile in your shoes…then again, I’m not shy, and I have a loud voice 🙂
I get the “What nationality are you?” To which I reply, “American.” Then they ask, “Where are you from?” To which I reply veery slooowly: “America.” Then they ask, “Where are your parents from?” … “America. hehehehe ….
My name is Irish, You don’t look Irish. What exactly do Irish people look like? You know. Actually I don’t. You know what I mean… Seriously, I’m really confused…
I agree with the asking clarifying questions too … you know I have never heard that I look like ____, can you tell me what about me looks like _____?
It took me a few years to teach myself these strategies, but they are terrific.
Doesn’t seem to stop a party dead in its tracks, I do it with a sly sense of humor, but the person knows they’ve been made a fool of.
If I don’t get asked back, fine. Anyone stupid enough to throw that crap at me needs to be weeded out of my life.
That’s one of my favorite games. Anyone who asks “What are you?” gets to be my entertainment until they get a clue or give up.
I agree that asking the person to clarify what they mean is one of the most effective strategies, IMHO. It puts them on the spot and makes them stop and think.
Hate that you had to go through this.
I was raised that as a white person, it’s my job to call out racism because if I keep quiet I am–no matter how inadvertently–benefitting from it. My parents also modeled great behavior that way.
Calling it out when the target of the racism is not present is a simple (if painful and awful) thing, but I sometimes struggle when there is a POC present and would love some guidance on that.
Partly I don’t want to be stepping on the toes of their response, as if they can’t handle themselves and I have to save them. But mainly, I worry about making the situation worse. Another commenter mentioned the awful situation where the POC is turned to and asked if they minded the comment (or, more commonly, “you didn’t mind it, DID YOU!?”). When that happens I feel I’ve made things even more uncomfortable for the POC, or shined a spotlight on them when they were already feeling humiliated. Not sure what to do about that. Should I keep my mouth shut if they seem to want it to be over ASAP?
(There’s also been the occasional awfulness of a POC jumping in to tell me he didn’t mind some horrifically racist joke, that it was just funny… There are no great solutions there but again… If I don’t speak up, I benefit)
Thank you for this. I remember vividly the day in A.P. English that the other kids started having a discussion about “token minorities” and I realized they were talking about me. I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I just picked up my books and walked out, leaving my teacher to rip the class a new one. I’ve gotten better at the verbal judo required to call someone out while leaving them a graceful exit – pretend to misunderstand their question in an absurd way, saying “Nope, never gotten/experienced that” and changing the subject in the same breath, etc. – but I’m still bitter that I need that skill in the first place.
The only was you don’t need that skill is by being a white male. Believe me, white women put up with a lot of unbelievable things said by men. Every group does, really… Cancer patients, suicide survivors, widows and widowers… There is ignorance and resulting offensive comments everywhere, not just with race. My mother committed suicide and everyone in the whole school heard about it. You wouldn’t believe the things said to me or the questions they asked.
This article hit so close to home. I’ve been that situation only one time, and I too chose to bite my tongue. I chaffed about it for months afterwards. I’m normally pretty confrontational, but sometimes you simply can’t be, because of all the other people around. You handled it with grace and as much dignity as you could.
As you mentioned yourself “If these are just small offenses, not meant to wound, why can’t I ever manage to shut them down effectively, ensure they aren’t wielded again and again against others?”. You can, if only well after the fact. Call her friend who invited her, express that your entire holiday was ruined, how humiliated you felt, and why. Something will come of it, even if it only forces a dialogue between them. Call and talk to every family member who might know her, or ask if they know her and tell them what she did and how she made you feel.
People who do this don’t do it once, they hurt everyone they possibly can, and they raise their kids that way, to someday hurt your kids or grandkids. There should be a consequence for humiliating others, every single time. Besides, who said revenge was a dish best served cold? Serve it right back to her, you should not be the only person made uncomfortable by a mean girl.
I LOVE this article!! All I can say is YES!!!
I’m sure I would have gone with one of the comme ts you came up with. A little chuckle, a look around at others, and then, “everyone?”… big smile… “Did anyone ever tell you you look like everyone on almost every other show?” Another chuckle, comment on something different while appearing unshaken (though I would be), stop and take a bite of food and keep it moving. That gives space for people to process the ignorance of the original comment, see that you are not intending to be hostile but certainly clear, and hopefully (but oh well if not) respect your response. The reply without demonstrated malice is no worse than what said to you but simply a reflection. If they are truly “allies” then they should be able to understand. If not, you can still sleep at night without it eating you up inside (at least in my experience). I am so tired of micro-aggressions and while I might sometimes choose to ignore them, it will never be in a moment where there is a larger lesson for the audience. I am ALWAYS about the lesson and often a direct and powerful one-liner that is not disrespectful and is not followed up with an explanation gives people the opportunity to reflect on the micro-aggression for themselves. If not, so be it. But I’ll know that I gave it a shot and I will continue to enjoy my meal with family and friends.
Oh, sister. As a Latina and the only person of color at the in-laws table (aside from my toddlers) I have been here too many times. Thank you for voicing the nuances and calculus of those moments. Thank you for speaking the hard stuff, not just the easy stuff. The easy stuff is rage, contempt, no-fucks-to-give, bravado. That stuff preserves self-esteem, is the veneer, is the protection. The hard stuff, the unspoken stuff, is the shame and humiliation. I am still recovering from this last round of holidays and your piece validates my reality. I don’t need answers and tricks. I just feel better knowing I’m not alone. Thank you.
Thank you for this, I deeply appreciate it! I’m sorry but also glad to hear this piece meant something to you.
We can never think of the perfect thing to say when we need to say it. I think it would have been great to have responded with “I’m sorry, I don’t follow?” as if you truly didn’t know what she meant and forced her to give voice to whatever it was bouncing around that empty head of hers.
A few similar instances I can recall in my life have been in work environments where hierarchy trumped the ability of others to respond. Sometimes the higher-ups have been on the right side, and at other times they were the perpetrators. I have spoken up to correct superiors a couple of times, but I had to be especially diplomatic. Age is a factor, too. I don’t confront elderly people who are expressing ways of thinking that they grew up with and don’t realize are no longer acceptable, especially if they are not in a position to influence other people. Young people need to be called out for their own good. If they grew up in a family where racist talk was normal, they need to learn what will and won’t fly in the broader community.
I responded upthread but have been thinking more, particularly about all the “what should I do?” questions from people who aren’t the direct target of the slur, microaggression or whatever was said.
I’ll tell you what I want, as an African American woman: support. Verbal support, right then. If you can’t think fast enough on your feet to help me out, at least chime in a “yeah” after I’ve spluttered whatever I’m going to say. And whatever I do or don’t say, you should express how YOU feel about what was said. If you’re still struck dumb, don’t come to me afterwards and say, “I’m so sorry you had to deal with that.” Be sorry for what YOU can control; tell me instead “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when So-and-so made that shitty comment, my brain locked, I feel awful.” THAT I hear and feel.
I can sort of understand the “I don’t want to step on your toes” feelings, but YOUR toes were stepped on too, right? You WERE offended by what was said, right? So speak up. The person who made the offending comment is assuming that you, fellow White Person, agree and assumes your silence is support/consent. Aren’t you also offended by that, the assumption that you are racist?
Yes. As a white person who has done (some small part of) my own work on understanding race, I *am* offended by racist remarks. Because the assumption is that I too believe that all Xs are good at math…because that’s what ‘everyone knows’…because everyone the speaker knows is white.
This is why ‘What do you mean?’ is such a good Simple Trick to Respond to [Liberal, Nice] Racism. It’s unbelievably effective, my fellow white folks, to point out to white people that ‘white’ isn’t the default setting for life, by asking what they could be implying. This forces them to state openly their (often thoughtless) assumptions.
If the person making the racially charged remark is uncomfortable after those assumptions are brought into the light…well. That’s how we learn! By getting outside our comfort zones!
I call BS. “In all likelihood, my questioner meant no offense. She just forgot her manners or, more likely, slipped and gave voice to the truth she believes, the truth that lives in her head. ” As a society, we so easily dismiss social and prejudicial gaffes as unintended. If someone gets killed in an unintended accident, they are no less dead than someone deliberately murdered. The same is true for these micro-aggressions.
There’s been occasions where I have committed a racial gaffe and was called on it politely or respectfully. Was it embarassing, hell, yes. In some places, it was a slip, sometimes it was an unawareness of the import of a particular word, which I did not realize was derogatory. I did not intend it that way, but the reality is that I hurt people anyway. I am thankful that I was called out on it, as it gave me just a bit of education and opportunity to reflect on how I might be more considerate next time. I am now more aware of the words I use, and take exception to a number of words and phrases that are derogatory in the same ways.
I don’t have to deal with this issue in particular, I deal with micro-aggressions around disability instead.
I have found a simple “You know that you just said that out loud and in front of my children” can go a long way. “Excuse me” is another good one to use, when they repeat themselves, say it again and again. “Whatever do you mean?” is a good one.
But it can be tiresome to have to educate everyone or respond….family and close family friends that you spend holidays with, they can and should do better. Inappropriate comments from strangers, as far as I am concerned deserve equally inappropriate answers. I am….creative.
FWIW
Racism is so ingrained in our society that people don’t know they are being racists. People used to tell me I looked like Barbara Streisand or Bette Midler, and they don’t even look alike. I used to say “yeah, all Jewish girls look alike” Now I’m older and when people say ignorant stuff I tell I’m sure you didn’t mean that the way it sounded, I’m offended
And the same people who say that kind of things are the ones who ask “why do Asian Americans tend to stick together?” Or “why do some Asian Americans keep marrying Asian Americans?”.
They probably don’t know how many times we get those microaggressions over the course of time. From “are you siblings?”, when Hanging out with another Asian American, to being called “jap” when everyone else has a name or a nickname based on stuff that is not looks.
Also, “why do Asian American guys seem to lack confidence?”. Oh well. Watch the American TV, movies, magazines, ads.. And you will absorb the idea that white males are the heroes. Asian males can only be either funny or nerdy. Never sexy. Never confident. Never man enough.
Thank you for writing this. It is a great story about a moment I think goes all-too-often unnoticed by people who most need to act: the majority. As a white woman married to an Asian man with a blonde-haired blue-eyed part Asian son, I’ve tried to teach him (by word and example) that, when people say ignorant and/or offensive things it is our responsibility to step up and field the awkwardness. The responsibility shouldn’t fall to the offended. In the same way that, as a woman, I appreciate a man standing up to another man who has made a misogynistic comment to me. He can affect change in that man where I cannot. The burden of action is on the majority and I think you have done a fantastic job exemplifying why that is the case.
As a person of color, I can relate to this wholeheartedly. Everything – from all your thoughts leading up to your response. It’s such a difficult thing to do – figure out how to respond. This is a great article and a reminder that I’m not alone in my thoughts.
I think you’re being too kind in letting her off with she “forgot her manners” and “meant no offense.” I’d like to think I would have said something (I have at other times, but I’m sure there are times I let it go or deferred to the person insulted). Although I might have simply gotten passive-aggressive and called her by every other white person’s name there, with the “apology” that we all look the same to me. I’m sorry this happens to you and others – constantly.
I read this yesterday and I cannot stop thinking about it. Especially this:
“The truth sinks in: I am the only one who can make sure that everybody keeps having a good time.”
I keep returning to that sentence. That people of color bear the burden of making sure that I have a good time. That a person of color can “ruin the night/meal” by calling out racism. I, on the other hand, have never had to bear the burden of making sure that my friends of color have a good time. The truth is, “everyone” stopped having a good time as soon as that racist question was asked, because Nicole is a part of “everyone.”
And I can’t help seeing the parallel that women have to sacrifice their enjoyment of the evening, suffering through rape jokes, unwanted come-ons, and all other microaggressions in order preserve the “pleasant time” of men in their company. White feminists like myself see clearly that women are called on to sacrifice themselves for others and that it is soul-crushing to do so. And this article helped me see in a new way how soul crushing it must be for my friends of color.
Thanks for sharing this.
This is exactly why I always make a fuss, even though each encounter leaves me shaking, embarrassed and second guessing if I could’ve done better, more mature job of calling out racism than I did.
It’s not easy, and the moment when others won’t stand with you or are embarrassed because you made a fuss…friends, boyfriends, is disappointing…but each time I think…I’m doing this so that the next time this person sees a young, Asian, woman – they won’t think oh she’s not going to do anything if I say something offensive or bully her in some way.
I’d encourage everyone to call out racism in any form not matter what – silence and going with the flow is what insures that all of us will continue to be subjugated to oppression.
You are not the only one thinking about it however many days later — at least, not if that family and friends are, in fact, family and friends. I attended a business lunch a couple of decades ago at which the man who had just given me enough business to keep my company afloat then proceeded to trash gay people. At least one of the people at that meal, unbeknownst to him, was gay. Not only am I still uncomfortable, unhappy and dismayed by my response (I challenged him, but IMO too mildly), I now use it as a teaching moment. I teach corporate seminars on business etiquette and use the moment as a lesson in preparedness. EVERYONE should be ready for that moment and have an idea as to where their lines in the sand are and what they’re willing to risk for them. The moment will happen. It’s only a question of when. Be ready.
I want to thank you both for the incredible post and for the amazing comments section. This whole thing has spurred a big and necessary conversation between myself and my husband, mostly talking about being interrupters and how and when and why. What a conversation, what incredible people you’ve brought together here. Thank you.
Thank you for voicing the internal dialogue that too often stymies a prompt, steady response to these ridiculous statements.
I know it’s a bit too late now, but the approach I’ve found productive (and that leads to a teachable moment) is to ask directly “do you mean that ironically?” That gives the person the (sometimes undeserved) benefit of the doubt that they’re just making a subversive joke.
If I confirm that “nope, it’s just implicit bias spilling out,” I say something to the effect of “[laughing] it’s 2016–you’re not supposed to say all ___ people look alike anymore [laughing even more].” The way I see it, everybody can still have a good time (maybe an even better one!) while acknowledging and laughing about the deserved embarrassment this person should be feeling–and whatever, hopefully funny attempts they pursue to backpedal.
They get to decide if they want to come back into the social fold by suavely saving face and hopefully apologizing.
It puts the onus back where it belongs.
These debates about “do I call out racism / sexism / homophobia” are so odd to me because ultimately most other pernicious social transgressions would not be left unattended to. If this guest had thrown food in your face, you wouldn’t be left to just look down and forget it. Or if she had said “your house is fugly. It’s ratchet and fugly,” you would be within your rights to point out that that’s… a weird thing to do. But she said something racially insensitive, so you have to clam up? Nope. No need. After giving the benefit of the doubt, its time to just treat it like any social transgression.
Just my two cents. Thanks for a great article. 🙂
What a great read. I often experience something similar as a disabled person (not comparing, but drawing parallels as I am a cisgendered white male, so my privilege and marginalization are intersectional ), but being a paraplegic certainly marginalizes my experiences from most people’s.
The method of dealing with this kind of situation often comes down to what kind of mood I am in. Do i have the energy to confront this with love, or will I spew a venomous retort, or will I simply ignore the statement and carry on with my day?
“Wow I’ve never seen anyone get on the bus like that, you’re so athletic” (there I am thinking, no sir, I am not an athlete, I am dude doing his best to get on the bus just like anyone else. No gold medals please)..
So the gears are turning in my head, and there is this negotiation one has to make while considering the intention of the offender. (this guy probably was really moved by me shattering his idea of what disabled means, (or what a ‘disabled’ person is capable of), and wanted to reach out and say ‘hey, you moved me’) !
I would consider then that turning that special moment (where someone reaches out) into a moment of chastising someone can be counterproductive to the end result of love.
Is it more important for me to be right, or to allow the intention (connecting to another person) to come to fruition?
Of course there are varying degrees of how this kind of micro-agression can transpire, and there is no universal solution. It’s a layered & complex situation most times, and like I said, depending on the mood, it can go either way.
Thanks Hotwheels.
Ohhh I felt so angry for you..that stupid, ignorant woman!! I am one that DOES ‘ruin’ the party, because if it is supposed to be a ‘party’ I’m assuming everyone is having a mutually good time so when one insults me, my ethnicity or gender I feel it is my right to correct therm!!! they have seen fit to openly address me in a way I find offensive and I will LET THEM KNOW as much!, I openly and loudly address them back, correct them , I feel that maybe, just maybe they may learn something from our little interaction, if not, perhaps the rest of the ‘party’ will…I am so sorry you had to experience that!…even though I address that sort of behavior openly inside it feel awful that there is still that level of racism 🙁
This story reminds me of the dinner after my talk on a Holocaust-era book I’d written at Wellesley College. I’d invited my sister-and-brother-in-law, who live in nearby Boston and who are both religious Catholics. She suddenly asked me, “What are Jews anyway? They’re a race, aren’t they? Or what? It’s confusing.” I was Lego in the same mind-numbed conditionals you. Do I retort, Well, Hitler thought so! ? Do I explain that Judaism is a religion and that some Jews follow it? Do I explain that some Jews are not observant but identify as Jewish? And so on. I, too, decided to not cause a ruckus in what was a pleasant dinner with my husband, his relatives, and a number of Wellesley professors. So I said: “I don’t know.” That answer has bothered me ever since.
My deceased wife was a Master (Mistress?) of the, “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand what you just said, could you repeat that?” said in the politest, most interested tone. It can help people retrace consciously what they just said. Certainly doesn’t work on everyone, but does produce some results in others. I on the other hand might have said something like this, “you mean I look like all Asian people? Because its not really possible for me to look like every person on any show. BTW, your ignorant, white privilege is showing.” She was nicer than me. Best.
Wonderful piece of writing. I am a brown American so I know how a person’s simple comment can ruin your peaceful day. Being judgemental is their choice but being judgemental without any proof is their loss.
I wish I were your friend. At nearly 70 I can and do say things others cannot without bringing down the house. A safe query could be, Why do you think that? rather than the more hyperbolic Why on earth would you say that! Subtle but important difference and, said blandly, quite unemotional. Just a little racial curiosity there, ma’am. In any case, I apologize for her. I’ve come a long way from my thoroughly Southern roots and hope others enjoy me as I do them. You were simply a daughter of the house and should have been able to stay that way, comfortably celebrating with family and friends. I hope this person will not be at future family gatherings.
I hope that close family friend has learned said relative cannot be taken out in polite company!
The fact that I could relate to this article so well, proves how impactful this topic is! I truly enjoyed this.
Brilliant and accurate description. I am white but I am in a same sex relationship and I can relate so much to this whole thought process, trying to think of the perfect response, wanting to think of something sharp but also, just wanting to inform and open a person’s eyes to their casual assumptions and ignorance, but ultimately saying nothing so as not to make things awkward.
It takes such an amount of energy to go through this and then be left having to try to just let it go, when you spend so much time mulling over what you should have done, evaluating whether you have it in you to be the person who makes things awkward for everyone and doesn’t care, and wondering if anything you could have said could give this person the insight that will make a difference.
Great article which i am sure many of us are familiar with. In a way, the trait of decency is a burden at such instances, but its a burden whoever has, should be proud of.
As a half Middle Eastern / half Australian girl living in a small Australian country town, I understand.
No, I’m not related to Osama Bin Laden.
No, not all Middle Eastern people are suicide bombers. No, I’m not a Muslim. Actually, I’m a Christian, and my Lebanese Dad is a Presbyterian minister.
I started feigning ignorance when people asked where I was from, as they looked pointedly at my tanned skin. “Australia,” I’d say cheerily.
It’s true – I was born here. I live here. I’ve never even been on a holiday overseas. I’m Australian.
“No, but where are you frooom?” they’d say again, dragging out the last word for emphasis, and looking at my dark hair and dark eyes.
“Australia,” I’d reply again, smile firmly in place.
Sometimes that’s the end of it – they’ll subside, very confused. But usually this cycle will repeat three or four times.
Eventually, I’ll feign realistion and say, “Oh! You’re curious about my tanned skin and my dark hair and eyes, aren’t you? Why didn’t you just say so? I was born in Australia, and my Mum is Australian too – she has white skin and blond hair and hazel eyes. But my Dad is from Lebanon, he came to Australia with his family when he was four, and he’s lived here ever since. I get my looks from him.”
My favorite trick to use for passive-aggressive or ignorant racial slurs is to repeat their idea back to them incredulously, and then watch them backpedal.
“Has anyone told you that you look like you’re related to Osama Bin Laden?”
“I’m sorry, I don’t really understand? It sounds like you’re saying that all Middle Eastern people look the same: but I know you don’t mean that, because that would be really racist.”
*said with a smile, and a tone that says “How silly of me! Of COURSE that’s not what you mean!” No one would POSSIBLY say something so rude.”*
It works much better with that tone than if you arch your eyebrow and use your “You better NOT be saying what I think you’re saying” voice. That just inflames the situation.
Anyway, I think you did a wonderful job. It’s hard when you’re put on the spot in a place you had let your guard down.
Thanks for writing about your experience. <3
Your story went right on the spot and I can assure you that Asians in all places where they are the minority experience that on their everyday lives. I am from Brazil (the largest Japanese community outside of Japan and the home of hundreds of thousands of Chinese and Korean as well) and the worst part of the racism I have experienced and continue to experience is its casuality you refer to. Even the silly comments such as “oh, you Asians are so bright and get admitted to the best universities” or “can you help me with my iPhone settings? You Asians know so much about technology” hurt in places we have been taught to hide. I am glad and thankful whenever someone speaks out for ourselves in such an elegant and clear way like you just did.
Thank you for this, so much. I had a very similar experience over the holidays in a crowd of friends who I’m generally very comfortable with. Yet when the offensive moment came, I did exactly what you did… bit my tongue, smiled, and kept the party mood festive. And, like you, what I wish I’d said still haunts me. I had a chance to speak up for better race relations and I didn’t.
great 🙂
I just wish white women in race discussions would stop deflecting to their comfort zone, gender, and acknowledge that they are just as WHITE as their male counterparts and therefore are also beneficiaries of white privilege. So many of the people who say “I’m a white female” continue with a comment about gender discrimination which is not the same and not the topic at hand. Pretending that the “real problem” is white males and that white females have no part in upholding white privilege is just not true. This article cites just one example; the person in question was a white female, not male. When we’re talking race and we say “white”, we’re looking at you, too, white women!
Thanks for writing about your experience. You are not alone!
As an Asian American Atheist woman who regularly participates in Christian holiday gatherings with my partner of 15 years, thank you so much for this piece. You are not the only one – we’re out here and you’ve just nailed it for all of us. Thank you.
Do people ever tell you that you look just like everyone on Ozzie & Harriet?
This is a beautiful piece of writing, Nikki (as ever). I am so sorry you had to deal with that.
I know that being white means not having experienced this in anything like the same way, but I know how horrible it is to feel like you’re the one ruining things by speaking up. I attended a wedding a while ago in which someone made a shitty transphobic joke in a speech. I shouted something, and was then approached by the best man who told me not to say anything else and that I had made a scene. I ended up in tears and had to leave the room, while the guy making the speech was not blamed in the slightest for ruining the mood. It is so horrible to feel like you’re the one ruining everyone else’s good time, even when it’s clearly the person saying the offensive stuff is at fault, and it’s also horrible to say nothing and obsess over what you could have done better.
Fates be kind, and let me be the white person at the table with the presence of mind to say, loudly, “Whoah! Wait! What?!”
You could say something like: “no, people don’t focus so much on how people are looking on the show, but on their talents and contributions. There’s this great story about……” and go on to reinforce about talent and contribution on the show. BECAUSE YOU ARE ENOUGH. Just because somebody else has a problem, you don’t have to make it yours.
I’m reading this article at 3 a.m. and I must say you could win the world series with this homerun.
I just experienced a similar situation at work where a Caucasian co-worker jumped in my face in front of my staff calling me a bully and stating I treat then like animals. Why? Because I was expressing my unhappiness with my staff not following departmental procedures. Now even though she’s the one telling at me I’m the “angry black woman”. Needless to say, how dare we find a voice to express ourselves in any form. I am tired of hearing the “black people are lazy” and such other mundane remarks. But what can you do? In my opinion it’s a no win situation. You speak up for you and it’s a problem for them. Say nothing and you have just allowed them to throw you into a pot with every African American that’s fine something wrong or harmful to other ethnicities. Kudos to you madam!
Thank You, Thank You for writing this….racism is a terrible infection, and it moves silently and with stealth. It’s SO important for everyone – all of us – to continually check and balance and calibrate…..and re-check again the words we use, and the subtle meanings behind them. Beautifully written – and you made me laugh – but most of all, you made me feel the injustice of having the burden of “getting along” placed on your shoulders.
I have tears in my eyes that you had to go through this at that party, and then I realize you go through this all the time. I’m white, fat and old, and I get nasty comments occassionally. They hurt alot, but I have only had to live with the difficulties of being a woman, in the “don’t bother your pretty little head about it” mode, and fighting for my equality with men.
Your dignity and your individuality matter a great deal. You have made me think and ponder what I might have said in your situation. Thank you for this article.
Very interesting take, well put!
As an Afeican American woman, I’ve “written this post over and over in my head on several occassions in my life. You have written down what I’ve always been thinking and that makes me feel in solidarity.
I have concluded that I will speak up, with grace and truth. It is important to educate. I will not worry about being the “party pooper” because the real “party pooper” was the one who initiated the ignorant comment. No, I wouldn’t be mean I will be friendly, say “no” and explain my answer and hestitation.
I have been paralyzed by shock or fear too long! I am not saying I will give a perfect respone all the time but I will try and get better at it! This is my commitment.
It took a lot of strength not to respond to this woman solely because you felt embarrassed It shows you have a strong character. You recognized the woman’s ignorance, while still being able to consider the implications this situation could have on your children if it escalated. You have my respect and praise.
I’ve had a few experiences similar to yours. Since I am biracial, I have often been mistaken for other ethnicities. This leads people to wrongfully assume that they can make offensive statements about one of my ethnicities in my presence. Let’s be clear, I am not comfortable with any type of offensive statement or joke. Sadly, I often dont speak up, defend myself or correct them. Once one of my teachers referred to Asians as orientals. I was uncomfortable with her using that term because it is outdated and associated with a less tolerant time. Yet, I simply looked down and did not say a word. This is the problem with most of us, we are afraid to speak up. We are afraid to disagree with someone, we are afraid of tension. In the end, I know it would have been better if I corrected my teacher. But I often shy away from discussing matters that offend me because I have difficulty being articulate when I am nervous, or anytime at all. One day I will have the courage to speak up because as an Asian-Mexican-American I can’t rely on anyone else to be my voice.
This definitely struck a chord with me. I’ve been through a similar conversation recently, except it was with my boyfriend’s 8-year-old niece.
How to even tackle this topic in an age appropriate way was beyond me.
In my experience I have always regretted NOT speaking up drastically more than the times that I have. The older I get and the more I see, I no longer feel like it is my responsibility to shelter or babysit the feelings of white people in these situations. If you aren’t ready to face these issues and feelings as a white person in America than you are sadly out of touch with the current dynamics of our society and culture. If you aren’t ready to speak up as an American Asian (or anything else) then you enable misinformation and prejudices to speak for you. I understand the feelings described in this article as I have dealt with them myself growing up the only Korean in an all white community. And to clarify, I don’t think you are wrong for wanting to keep the peace. After all, it wasn’t you that created the situation. I just want to encourage you to get all Socrates on statements like these (loving the “What do you mean” advice) and be proud to do so. Reading these comments..we obviously got your back!
Oh, god, I really can relate to that burning sensation, and being unable to say anything. But after 20 years of this with my racist, sexist, religionist family, a wonderful thing I can report is that with practice you get better at it. It becomes less mortifying, and you actually become better at cutting them to pieces in two or three words — without even ruining the party. This is a skill (and a skill white people like me need to learn too, if anything is to change) — there are too many hot faces, and too many regrets and missed opportunities, all because we’re afraid to take the first few clumsy steps getting up to speed in the skill of gracefully speaking out. But it is so worth it. People can learn.
As you know, you absolutely do have the right to call her out on it and “be the person who makes everyone else uncomfortable.” Because it actually is NOT you who created the uncomfortable situation. It is her who did it.
THANK YOU! This is just powerful. Your honest words are a gift to so many. 🙂
There are times when I am pretty darn happy that I’m autistic. When someone says something like that around me, I don’t give Vonnegut’s flying f*** at the moon about not offending them in my response. I’ve let go with a broadside that would have made the Missouri look like a toy boat mounted with a cap gun. You should see the looks on their faces. I love it. I simply lack the capacity to give a damn about what stupid people feel when they’ve decided to give me permission to blast them by being stupid in my presence. The best part is that, as far as most people conclude when they look at me, I’m “white”. My great-grandfather was from Manila. I’m the first generation since him who doesn’t show that part of the family in my face.
Thanks for mentioning the obsessing part of this, I’m so glad I’m not alone. It’s hard for me to tell in the moment sometimes if someone said something that I should take offense at or if I’m overreacting (or if my reaction is misplaced), but invariably I’ll find myself obsessing over it for days later, no matter what I said in response. The pressure to keep things light is even stronger when it’s your boss who said the thing (I’m gay, she’s sometimes weird about it, never in a way that I can put my finger on in the moment, but here I am a week later still thinking about it…).
If it’s not super overt, and it rarely is, I usually just act confused, which is easy because I usually am. So something that was intended as a funny story ends gets a sort of flat and puzzled reaction. I think it works pretty well because it’s not confrontational, so it doesn’t trigger defensiveness, but it does make her (or anyone else) feel like they’ve made a social faux pas and hopefully feel as uncomfortable about saying whatever she said as it made me feel. Even laughing uncertainly, which is my other go-to reaction (again, because it what naturally comes out…), hopefully also has this effect.
Perfectly said.
Having lived a lifetime with these sorts of microaggressions, I have my ducks in order. My response would have been, “You mean because “we all look alike?” and laugh. Indicating that we recognize there is something wrong with the original statement and the ball is in the other’s court to either dig a deeper hole or extricate.
I commend the writer for her sensitivity and thoroughness in sharing how quickly we must search our databanks when confronted with questions/statements.
I’ve grown up in environments in which I was often the only person of color in the classroom or boutique or church pew and etc. I’ve grown rather comfortable with seeing people swallow their words, when I come around, or shamefully complete their sentence while looking at me to see if I flinch. I’ve never become completely numb to it but, have grown to favor not being surrounded by a group of people of my same ethnicity. I embrace diversity and even enjoy being surrounded by groups of people that share a culture other than mine. I also married a Hispanic man, who offers not often enough a cultural experience that is beautiful in so many ways. I grew to see that, he, too, has experienced just as much discomfort and awkwardness because of the mere idea that he’s non-white. How ignorant of me to think that it only happened to “black” people or African-Americans (as I prefer to be referred to)!
I’m sorry you’ve experienced such negative emotions around these happenstances. I’ve learned to laugh at them and also speak up to friends and family of other races. I just assume that they’re ignorant. That’s how I’ve coped. They are ignorant and almost always just as uncomfortable as I am because we don’t understand each other. As a graduate student, studying public health at Johns Hopkins, I learned to see race as a construct developed in America so that Caucasian people of many nationalities can band together as people with white skin and be considered of superior status.
Maybe that answers the question that I had for you and I’m sorry for not reading all 300+ comments to see if you’ve answered this question already… What do you mean when you say ‘your place’? Where do you consider your place to be when someone attempts to put you in your place or remind you of your place? I just wanted to be crystal clear, as I am always trying to understand where we are as Americans about race relations and if we’ve yet risen above most of it. I used to be so optimistic and then the “Black Lives Matter” issue crops up to remind me that racism is still a struggle.
Thank you so much for sharing. I, too, must learn to be more sensitive to other ethnic groups.
To which I have replied – yea just like all white people look alike.
As a woman with disabilities, one of them is PTSD, chronic, I am always stunned by the assumptions people can leap to. Years ago, a speaker, turned to me, a college student who had never represented people with disabilities or claimed to, during a presentation to ask how all people with mental illness felt on an issue.
I still haven’t got a decent response-wasn’t good at public debating, or speaking up unless prepared.
I stand in awe of people who can. And relieved to this day that it’s ok to be a person who has no snappy words, but still working at the concept of speaking out.
And I wish I could speak like you guys have on so many injustices. Racism, prejudices, bigotry, it is a lousy thing to feel, to do to others, to see, and I’m in awe of the people who shout it down.
Like racism, chauvinism, or other negative behavior, that attitude is called disablism but not as well-known, maybe cuz every demographic in the world includes people who have disabilities of all types.
This reminds me of my experience at work a few weeks ago.. a customer read my name tag and our exchange went something like this:
White man: “Diyana, huh? That’s an interesting way of spelling die-ana.”
Me: [smiles] it’s actually dee-ana.
Him: oh! Were your parents just being funky with that spelling?
me: no, they’re from Iraq so they spell it differently.
Him: ahh, immigrant spelling eh!
His last comment left me speechless, and he walked away before I could really respond. Couple that with the fact that I’m a minimum wage employee in food service who can’t afford to get mouthy with customers… I never imagined my damn name would be such an indication of otherness to total strangers who interact with me for just a few minutes
I’m a middle-aged, middle-class, white, college-educated heterosexual male. I know that I’ve made unthinking comments in the past, generally in an ill-advised attempt to be humorous or frank, that have been hurtful and/or belittling, that, in retrospect, make me wince with shame (hopefully nothing as blatantly disrespectful as what you experienced, but my voice in my own ears sounds different to me than what others may hear).
Please, please call me, and others, out, when you hear those kinds of things. Discomfort, awkwardness, shame are small prices to pay for real-time feedback in how my speech and behavior affect others, ones that I’m willing to pay. Sometimes conflict is the only way to bring a truth to glaring light, make it unignorable. Sometimes the most effective way to learn is to have your nose shoved in the mess you’ve created right at the moment, like a puppy. The awkwardness subsides, but hopefully the lesson learned remains. The powerful taboo against conflict, against incivility, has a dark side as one of the most effective means of preserving the status quo.
Hi Nicole,
Thanks for writing this. It’s affirming, though somewhat sad, to know a lot of us go through the same things. I appreciate the honesty and earnestness with which you wrote this. This piece would benefit even the most well-intentioned racist. I was wondering how your husband took the whole thing? As your sole ally in these situations, would he be better equipped next time to come to your defense? I understand it’s complicated because he’s amongst family but I guess I also feel it’s during these family interactions that these loaded questions go unchecked.
A similar conversation occurred at a 10 person party I held at my house where 75% of my guests were non-white, and of Asian descent. When the comment was made, it was in form of a “chink” joke heard by all. I was so flabbergasted I literally could not speak. Coming from Hawaii where so many ethnicities mingle (mostly) harmoniously, I just.couldn’t.believe.it. I said nothing, thinking as the host, I should not publicly embarrass a guest. But I burned inside the rest of the night, both for my guests’ humiliation and for my cowardice.
The next day I confronted the offender and said in no uncertain terms how that would never be tolerated in my house ever again. I was shaking with anger. However, the jokester was very contrite and I think, embarrassed at being called out for his true feelings. I felt a small bit of vindication. Yet, that was 5 years ago and I am still mortified I didn’t speak up immediately. My other guests will never know of my actions the next day, whether I agreed with the jokester or not and that is my greatest shame.
May I ask what the joke was exactly? Also, did any of the Asian guests react at all?
This article is so great and really articulates the feelings i have had over the last two days over an incident at a friendly bbq. I suffer from anxiety because of these situations and I found this article as i was searching ” how to handle casual racism” The comments have been brilliant and have provided me the closure i needed. As i get older i am more confident in standing up for myself, and being in an interacial relationship i acknowledge that this situation can occur both ways. His white family being ignorant and my asian family being ignorant, so being able to be an ally for each other is important.
Just referenced this article in a work email. Keep fighting the good fight!
Great article. Sadly this is a very familiar situation to me too.
This is the story of my life.
Nicole, I can’t even begin to tell you how much this spoke to me. I went through a similar situation. Day after Thanksgiving, with the in laws, and the offensive comment came from my husband’s brother’s wife. It hurt so bad and caused years of agonizing. I guess what I want to say is you are not alone. I am not sure what we should do, but for now, you are not alone. Hugs, Jen
As a kid I get asked. Are you related to Bruce Lee?
Of course, "logic" is better than an "emotional cause", eh?
YES to all of this. Thank you for writing it.
This is tough stuff, and I can’t recall seeing such a clear analysis of the problems elsehwere. I always get so flustered when I actually dare to call someone out on something like this. Thanks for taking the time to address this.
Thank you so much for the article. I have always had ambivalent feelings towards any event or occasion where I am forced to spend time with my in-laws. It is a constant parade of micro-agressions. I am the only Asian person or person of ANY color more often than not. I relate to seething, embarrassment, and anger of having to make a choice between standing up for myself in the face of “well-intended” comments and educating a mass of ignorant people who couldn’t care less how ignorant they are.
The room of people think they are only being “nice”. I completely relate to feeling that any comment made in your defense would result in embarassing your husband’s family and friends and having yourself branded as the bitch.
You would think that your husband would be your ally. However, being raised with white privelage, he sides with them. If a casually racist comment isn’t specifically negative, an actual threat to my bodily harm hasn’t been made, or a racist comment was made in a general sense but was not directed towards me personally, he doesn’t see why I have a problem with it. Then he gets annoyed with me when I try to avoid spending time with these people as much as possible.
Thank you again for putting into the words what many of us have experienced and validating the feelings that occur.