Politicians are not our friends.
Our parents are not our friends.
Our friend’s parents are not our friends, no matter how many times they invite you over even after your friend moved out.
Bosses are not our friends.
Coworkers are not our friends.
Mary in HR is not our friend.
Mary didn’t invite us to her clothing swap because she is not our friend.
That girl from college who invited us to her wedding even though we haven’t talked to her in four years is not our friend.
The moderators at Wikipedia are not our friends even though we were totally right about the park in Shaft being Carl Schurz Park and NOT Central Park.
Our children are not our friends. Our children act like our friends but make fun of us to their real friends behind our backs.
The bodega guy is not our friend. We’re friendly to the point of asking about specific relatives and college classes, certainly, but it’s been five years and we still don’t know each others’ names and that is exactly show it should be.
Alphonso our upstairs neighbor has friend potential if he stopped playing the piano at god damn 10:30 pm.
Tech startups are not our friends.
Social media disruptors are not our friends.
Google Chrome is definitely not our friend considering how much it’s been crashing on us recently. Safari isn’t our friend either though.
Celebrities are not our friends.
Athletes are not our friends, even the ones that are.
We can keep trying to become Facebook friends with that guy from high school who we got along with okay and who is now on a critically acclaimed HBO show but he will never be our friend.
