You wrote, “Hello. Nice profile.” You asked me how my week was going. I hadn’t opened my blinds in five days. I thought about responding, “My week is going well.” I imagined us in two years, dining in a restaurant in silence.
You mentioned lube.
You asked, “What music and literature do you enjoy?” Nobody talks like that in real life. I wanted to pretend this was real life.
You wrote, “You help me for improve my english and I can help you to learning cooking, Italian or play soccer.” I tried to imagine what it would take to motivate me to play soccer.
You had only one picture; I didn’t trust you.
Your self-summary read, “I hate lies.” You must have been sixty. Your profile said thirty-two.
Your profile said, “I am in need of the best love.” Your honesty made my throat ache.
You wrote, “Hey, I want to be honest here.” I stopped reading.
You described yourself as old-fashioned, suave, and aggressive.
You wrote, “Hey, how are you?” I was bingeing on Hershey’s Hugs and sending telepathic messages to my ex: think of me.
Your stated preference for positive attitudes.
The joyous photo of you frozen mid-leap.
You wrote, “An author? Awesome. Unless you’re being like the woman I met last week who also indicated she was an author before fessing up all she meant was that she ‘authored’ her own profile. Ugh.” I felt protective of her. Let us call ourselves what we believe we are.
Your screenname was LusciousRon.
Your screenname was HungryWolf.
Your profile said that you strive to better yourself every day. I had just watched all of Breaking Bad in one week.
I forgot.
You wanted to fuck. You wrote, “We are both old enough to be perfectly straightforward, no?” No. But I might have said yes if you’d called me young.
Your profile said, “No drama queens,” and I considered my PMS, the reliable monthly theater of it.
Your mirrored sunglasses. I imagined looking into your eyes and seeing the smallest versions of me.
You were drinking soup from a big spoon, so absorbed by the task, so vulnerable tending to your human need, which none of us can escape.
You were from New Jersey and wrote to me, “You should know that I am in NYC a lot as I have family & friends in NYC. I am very flexible and would come all the time.” The Freudian slip was too much.
I got your message while listening to a song he once played for me on a jukebox.
You were so crushingly handsome (and a fireman!), my feelings got hurt just looking at your face.
You wrote, “Why haven’t we hung out yet?” You were twenty-three.
I was distracted. I had pinned all my hopes to a man in a tuxedo who looked like a husband from a movie. I was waiting for him to write me back. (He never wrote me back.)
When I didn’t respond, you wrote again: “You’re a twat. That’s why you’re alone.”
You wrote, “I hope this doesn’t freak you out, but we’ve actually met once before, after one of your readings. It was at the McNally Jackson bookstore in Soho a couple of years ago.” I wasn’t freaked out. You seemed friendly. But I looked at the silly questions we’d both answered. “In a certain light, wouldn’t nuclear war be exciting?” “No, it wouldn’t,” I’d responded. “Yes, it would,” you’d responded.
On March 30, you wrote, “You’re ravishingly gorgeous my dear. You deserve a thousand kisses :)” On April 7, you wrote, “You’re ravishingly gorgeous my dear. You deserve a thousand kisses :)”
“I am nice, but not weak,” was your self-summary. In my head I swapped the adjectives.
You were shirtless in all your pictures.
Your arms knotted across your chest locked me out.
You led with your Myers-Briggs results.
You weren’t him.
Your pistol.
Your crucifix sleeve tattoo.
Your eyeliner.
Your emojis.
Your Google Glass.
Your fanny pack.
Your dick pic.
Your soul patch.
My heart.
Tags: diana spechler, online dating, reasons, the butter
Oh, wow.
yup.
My heart.
Great post!
Incredible!!!
perfect!
Oh, this is just lovely.
I’m crying at my desk now.
SO good.
Siiiiigh this is so good
” “I am nice, but not weak,” was your self-summary. In my head I swapped the adjectives.”
The whole thing was amazing and powerful, but this line especially struck me as basically awesome and perfect.
Was just coming down here to say the same exact thing. Anyone who has to affirmatively state that they are not weak is overly aggressive while somehow still being weak.
brb dying from too good of writing
The guy in the tuxedo never writes back. 🙁
Too real.
I’ve only been on for a few days, but still, every bit of this resonates with me completely.
WOWOWOWOW so good!
You are a man holding a cat in your profile picture.
You had four kids by four different women, and if I wanted to be surrounded by ghosts and past lives I’d go to a psychic convention.
You answered “yes” to “are there any circumstances under which someone is obligated to have sex with you?”.
You repeatedly stated in your profile that you prefer “healthy” women who like “getting fit” and I know that to be code for “no fat chicks” and “I expect you to maintain your body to my standards for my pleasure”.
You were holding a baby that does not belong to you in your profile picture.
You talked about how much you like to camp and hike and fish and boat and I can picture myself earnestly pretending to enjoy those things with you while my skin crawls and I fervently wish to go home. I picture telling you about my interests and hobbies and I imagine you smiling wanly. “Mmm, those aren’t really for me,” you’ll sniff, and you will make no effort to enjoy the things I enjoy.
You requested a threesome and when I declined you fired back “no one’s ever going to take you seriously, no wonder you’re single”
You described yourself eagerly as a “gold star lesbian” and I know without ever speaking to you that you will view me as tainted and inferior.
Your profile stated you like “hanging out” and “fun” and then it says I should message you if I want to know more.
You are a man holding a cat in your profile picture.
The rest of them I totally get. But…?
I don’t know, to me it just always seems creepy or ironic. Like, they always remind me of that one picture of Alexander Skarsgard in a terrible holiday sweater holding a fluffy white cat.
You describe yourself as “just a laid-back guy.”
You hide your insecurities behind the use of witty sentence fragments in lieu of genuine description in your profile.
You’re wearing a camo-print anything.
You list “Infinite Jest” as your favorite book.
*sigh*
this is me.
I just deleted my okc profile again because none of them were him.
Me too. 🙁 What’s worse is when he is on okc and you are still reminded that he’s there.
So good – somehow both funny and heart-wrenching
/your profile picture is you at a wedding and you’ve cropped out the woman standing beside you, so you’re all squished up against the side of the frame with a disembodied hand sitting on your shoulder. Apparently this is how you think you look your best.
“Hey, I know your profile says you’re [not looking for someone more than 5 yrs younger/mostly monogamous/athiest/don’t want to have children], but I think you’re beautiful so maybe you would be up for [a guy who’s 21/poly sextimes/talking about jesus/reproducing]?”
Your profile picture is you, at your own wedding, and you have not bothered to crop out your…wife? Ex-wife? from the photograph at all.
This spoke to me on so many levels…
Also…
You describe yourself as a feminist but your answers are decidedly unfeminist.
You only have books by white male authors listed.
I once saw a guy in his mid-20s whose profile included a rant about how super-feminist he was thanks to his super-feminist upbringing and being surrounded by female role models and how he didn’t think he had an unfeminist bone in his body (ha, apropos to The Toast today) but if he did, he wished he could root it out and destroy it…and then his sidebar thing said he was only looking for women ages 18 to his age.
I once met a guy who told me that he wasn’t sexist, because he had female friends. And then he got out his phone and tried to make me look at how many women he had in his contacts. (Also, he called one of my teammates a slut so finally I threw hot tea in his face. He un-invited me to his tailgate and stormed out with a bag of Orange Revive stuck to his collar.)
You are interested in meeting women ages 18-68.
Or you are 35 and interested in meeting women ages 18-34.
BLARGH. Yup.
This is my biggest pet peeve on there! It also still bothers me if they’re 35 and interested in 18-36 – like you’d date a high schooler and not someone 2 years older than you? WTF? About 80% of the time makes me rule someone out completely (only reason it’s not 100% is because it’s almost ALL OF THE GUYS that do it. Ugh). But most of my friends don’t seem that bothered by it. Glad to know it’s not just me. I respect the 35, 40, and 50 year old I will be down the line too much to date men of that age actively ruling the women their own age out.
You’re looking for a “special lady”
You have spelling and/or grammatical mistakes in your profile [picky picky, I know]
All your pictures include large vehicles or pieces of sports equipment
All your pictures are selfies taken in the bathroom mirror
Thanks for all of these wonderful comments. Tipping my hat to those of you who commented with your own reasons for not writing back. You’re making me laugh. xo
You’re surprised that I’m into intelligent men rather than “alphas.”
You “wonder if I can handle your particular brand of weird”.
I tried to write something witty, accidentally deleted it, and decided the universe was telling me something.
Your “message me if” section is a long string of what you’re NOT looking for.
I’m looking for someone I can ghost if necessary, and I suspect we may have mutual friends.
You see that I’m only looking to meet women right now, but hey, you’re an open-minded guy 😉
You seem like a loving genuine human who deserves the best, and I’m not feeling like the best right now.
You’re not him, and not different enough to get away with it.
I read something on the internet that made me hate all men and feel unworthy of everyone else.
You “wonder if I can handle your particular brand of weird”.
YES. I find, “I’m just so weird! (kooky, strange, not normal, wacky, etc)” as an introduction to a person has become a kneejerk UGH to me. I love many weird/etc people. I don’t love when people feel it’s necessary to tell me just how weird/etc they are within the first 5 minutes of meeting them. It seems to come pared with certain other traits.
SO THERE.
I just laughed so loud at “I am very flexible and would come all the time” and in fact, did it again while typing this comment.
I thought this was all to ONE guy for the first quarter. It just kept getting weirder! I was like, “this dude is probably lying about a lot of things to her.”
“Your mirrored sunglasses. I imagined looking into your eyes and seeing the smallest versions of me.”
Ouch. Right in the heart.
I did all of these.
Got invited out for a double date one evening. I hadn’t left my room in two days and had not spoken out loud to another person in that time.
And yeah, I was trying to telepatically influence my exe’s thoughts too.
I had been looking at all those people, some desperate looking and hopeful, some agressive and proud and I didn’t see any part of their lives having anything to do with mine. I hoped just going out and seeing people would feel better. I hoped that I would see ‘her’. But it didn’t happen.
Well, this was fantastic.
On another note, I’m glad I’m not the only one with a longggg list of ‘immediate nope’ offenses for online dating profiles.
Here’s a fun one I saw the other day that rolls several of the Immediate Nopes into one beautiful clusterfuck of a bio:
“You probably won’t like me. I have a load of weird interests and opinions about shit, most of which I’m very good at backing up. I get on great with intelligent, free-thinking people with actual personality who have more to say that ‘lol x’. Extra bonus points for confidence, spontenaeity, not texting like a retard, and height.’
I thought, ‘You’re right, I probably won’t.’
(Side note: Why do they all want us to be spontaneous? I’m a project manager, it’s gonna be detailed planning all the way with me.)
Spontaneous = a fantasy people have that does not fit in with being a professional the modern world. Sorry, shit’s gotta get planned or it ain’t happening.
Spontaneous= won’t get mad when I cancel last minute or want to come over in half an hour.
Spontaneous = open to 3am booty calls.
You listed “The Great Gatsby” and “Catcher in the Rye” as your favorite books. You have not read a book since high school.
From back when:
* Your favorites included anything by Ayn Rand, or Terry Goodkind, who is Ayn Rand for guys who collect fake swords.
* Your profile mentioned “being hurt before” or “wanting to find someone I can trust”. A girlfriend ain’t a therapist. If your wounds are still bleeding, you either need to take more time or get over yourself. Probably the latter.
* You mentioned looking for “a real woman”.
* You’ve included no pictures that show your hair or your body.
* You answered “no” to the question about feeling complete without an SO.
Also would like to heartily second the objections to soul patches, fanny packs, and really awful user names.
Interesting read. Though in fairness, sending kind, thoughtful messages that show interest in specific aspects of women’s profiles doesn’t garner a response either…
That’s delightful. Thank you for writing it, Diana.
"You answered "yes" to "are there any circumstances under which someone is obligated to have sex with you?"."
OMG
I was messaging with a guy on OKC and was even like considering continuing to message and maybe go on a date…until I saw THAT little gem on his profile. Honestly terrifying. In all of my OKC adventures and misadventures, nothing made me feel more unsafe than realizing that I was talking to someone who answered that question that way. I am so, so grateful that they include that question in the list. O_O
Hey, that's exactly how I met 'Neville'! He sent me a kind, thoughtful message about a few particular things in my profile and asked a few good questions to give me room to open a conversation. So, it can definitely work! However, you never know what's on someone's plate. They might be dating someone else already and starting to fall in love and hesitant to answer new messages. (I've personally ignored some perfectly good messages being in that position myself. That in-between, oh-wow-I-really-like-this-guy, but-I'm-not-like-for-sure-in-love-I'm-not-gonna-delete-my-profile-yet transition space.) They might, as in this piece, still be heartbroken over someone else and not really ready to date again yet. They might be on vacation. They might have set this profile up a year ago and lost their password and forgotten they even made it (although some sites have ways for you to know how recently someone has logged in, which is handy). Like, it really might not be you. Or, in some cases, it might be. Have you had a few female friends or acquaintances take a look at your profile or at the messages you're sending to give you some feedback? Or even guy friends who have been successful with online dating themselves? Might not hurt. Online dating can be so frustrating and demoralizing when it's not going well, but boy when you meet your special person, you can potentially reap the rewards of your perseverance for years to come. (Neville and I are together a year, and going strong!) Just, be honest, be real, and keep trying. I sincerely wish you success!
You’re looking for a “girl” to spoil like a princess. I am a grown-ass woman, for fuck’s sake, I want you to treat me like an adult, not a doll.
Beautiful. Like poetry. Really enjoyed it.
Let's see how crazy over Neville you are in another 18 months and something "better" comes along.
Just brilliant
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All great reasons, no doubt. My favorite one was “Your fanny pack.” That one made me laugh.