Toasties! For The Bartender eating homemade pelmeni with sour cream and butter is guaranteed to bring on thoughts of kindness and goodwill toward fellow everyone. What amazing things await you this weekend? What nice thing are you looking forward to doing for yourself or someone else? Happy weekend!!
Tags: cocktail hour, open thread, the bartender is in
Let’s have a money thread. I have an actual savings account for the first time in my life. I am making tiny but regular contributions to my Roth IRA. I will be vested in my 401k in about six months. My credit cards will be paid off by the end of next year, I think. Things are going well and it is making me extremely nervous. This can’t possibly be right. Savings Account Imposter Syndrome is a thing, apparently.
So what are your goals? How do you think about the emotional side of managing your money? Also, any favorite blogs? (I am somewhat off the Billfold at the moment, and am only every about 49% pro-Mr. Money Mustache, but am newly charmed by the couple at Frugalwoods.)
Last year I got Serious about my money and it was great but I have backslid pretty hard and now spend way too much. I still save though! Just not as much as I thought I could considering I got a substantial raise this year. And I’m back to paying the minimum on my student loan.
YNAB is awesome.
My goals are to save a whole shit load of money for our wedding because apparently we are spendy af. I mean we COULD get married without an oyster bar, but really, why would we? And eventually get out of student debt (down to $66k from close to $100k!) and you know, have an emergency fund and maybe one day… buy a house? Hahaha to the house we live in Vancouver where literally houses cost $1 million and up. Good luck to us!
I’m starting a new job on Monday (yay!) where I will be making a good chunk more than I was in my last job, so I’m starting to think through my financial goals for that new money. I have no major debt, just a little bit of credit card debt from my five months of unemployment. I want to pay that off by the end of the year, and it should be very doable – we’re talking less than $1000, though it’s the most credit card debt I’ve ever had.
I’m going to have a 403(b) with no employer contribution, so I’m going to roll over my previous 403(b) into there and go back to regular contributions to my retirement account. I’ve typically done 5% of my salary, and I think that’s where I’ll start for now – that 5% will still be higher than my previous contributions!
I’m going to increase my charitable giving, I think, upping the amount I give to my synagogue on a monthly basis and maybe adding one more charity to my regular donations.
And I’m going to continue my general savings, but with a goal of a Serious Real Vacation in late 2016/early 2017. Like, save up a couple grand just to use for a big ol’ vacation where I actually stay in a hotel by myself and such. I don’t know where yet, but it’s going to happen!
yay new job!!!
Yay big vacation!
I’m planning to make an actual budget this weekend to account for changes in cost and income after the move. My main money strategy is “be very nervous about spending money, throw whatever’s left in a savings account at the end of the month.” It’s actually worked out pretty well, but I want to be able to donate money with confidence instead of panicking, giving nothing, and then dying inside. Plus I want to know if I can buy a bicycle.
For the first time in my life I am writing down every single thing I spend, even if it is $2 on a coffee. Already, it has been extremely helpful in figuring out where my money goes and how I’m spending. I thought I would hate it, but I actually like feeling more in control (rather than end of the month looking at my credit card bill, and going AUUGHHHH). I’m really proud of myself for keeping with it!
Full disclosure–I also recently got on Habitica (formerly HabitRPG) and made writing down my daily expenses one of my daily tasks. Turns out fantasy-inspired gasification of everyday tasks actually makes me do things!
I keep falling in and out of this habit, and being in it is so great! Even if I end up over budget it makes me feel like “ok, I got this, I know what I’m doing & whether it was worth it.”
That is so true! Even if I slip up and feel bad about something I spent money on, it helps to look back and think . .. well, that wasn’t worth it, so I won’t do that again.
I also write down everything and I find it so helpful! I’m on a fairly tight budget, and I actually find it freeing to keep track of everything, because then I can look at how things are adding up and think “yes I can spend money on that night out/new clothing/things that I want, I just have to adjust what I’m spending on X thing right now.” Being in control of all those little details makes it easier to ensure that I can spend money on the things I really want when I need to.
It is such an anxiety reliever for me to know exactly how much money we have/is committed/is coming/will be going. I’m a bit obsessed and I don’t care one whit.
I do this, but not by hand – I use Mint to track my spending, so any cash spending gets inputted into the app, ideally in the moment that I’m walking away after putting my wallet back in my purse!
(also, are you in the Habitica Toast guild? JOIN US! I have a Mon/Thurs daily for going into Mint and making sure all my credit card transactions have classified correctly and checking in on my budgets)
I should really look into Mint actually….I’m currently using a google drive spreadsheet, which works fine, but I do appreciate a nice interface.
(I am!!! I’ve only been around for a few weeks though! But I am totally hooked!)
I like Mint. I know some people don’t like trusting another company with their bank & credit card logins, but Mint doesn’t have any access to actually change anything in my accounts, so I feel pretty safe.
I used Mint for a while (I’m still signed up, but it doesn’t know all my accounts and I’ve fallen off looking at it). It bothered me that it kept giving me bad financial advice. I get that it makes its money by selling people financial products, and I can tell the difference between the ads and the information on my own spending/budget, but it still bugs me.
I use Mint regularly, and I like it a lot. It’s not perfect (it’s hard to make its budgeting function account for one-time expenditures or stuff that you are later reimbursed for so it doesn’t technically eat into your budget), but for simply tracking how much you’re spending on what it’s great.
You may have already tried these options and found they didn’t work for you, but sometimes for things I’ll be reimbursed on, I just tag them to not count in the budget, and tag the reimbursements to not count in the budget either.
Yarn diets are tough, as any knitter can tell you! Although it’s made easier by my mother and friends, who just keep giving me yarn. Since I’m going on a yarn diet for money reasons instead of space reasons, free yarn is just fine.
For reimbursed stuff, I have created my own category for it, then when I get my expense checks I put them into the same category so I can keep track of the amount that’s still outstanding. It does throw off my net balance graph, though.
I like Mint, but I tend to use Personal Capital more. I think Mint is better for keeping track of your spending, but Personal Capital is better for keeping track of investments.
I do this too. Just with excel. I think it might be good if I did YNAB or mint tho so as to actually keep track of my money – if I’m missing some at the end of the month I’m never that stressed (am no longer super poor). This year though for my life, work, and travel, my budget is in US, Canadian and Mexican currencies…. so that’s interesting
If people have 401K questions, let me know here. (that’s what I’m supposed to be doing rather than open-threading).
My general suggestion, when considering a 401k, is take a close look at employer match (how much the company puts in, and what you have to do to get it), vesting (when they’ll actually give you that money if you leave), fees ( if some investments or transactions(taking your money out)), and how hard it is to get your money in an emergency (are loans/hardships an option).
Can’t promise to get to every question instantly, i do have at least a couple things that MUST get done today, but i promisepromisepromise, no question is too dumb to ask, I worked in a call center for a while doing this stuff, and i always preferred the people who called in saying “this is my first job with a 401k, no one has taught me this stuff, can you, just, maybe, start from the beginning??” to the people who yelled at me saying “but this is my money!!!!!!” and telling me that i needed to do something for them that their plan specifically didn’t allow.
This is a bit out there, but would you say that overall 10% is an okay amount to be saving for retirement? I was doing fifteen and then realized that the amount of money I needed to have in my checking account in order to not have regular panic attacks requires going down to 10. But I’m still worried this is going to badly fuck over future self.
I’m no expert, but I think you need to be able to support your current life before you worry about your retirement. If you’re contributing 10% and that’s what you can manage, you’re doing better than most people!
Figure out a general budget. Figure out how many month’s worth of rainy day fund you need to have set aside before you feel comfortable. Work on putting together that cushion, consider putting it in a different account, or at least make it a round enough number that when you look at the checking account, you realize that the first, say, 3K isn’t spending, that’s your rainy day fund, to make the math easier. (3K was chosen JUST because it’s a round number, please no one read anything else into that one).
That rock solid stable rainy day fund should help with the anxiety. So should the budget, even if it’s really sort of fuzzy.
Then, when it comes to your 401k, try to get the most money you can from your employer. So, think about the match, think about the vesting, and if it makes sense, get the maximum match you can, because it’s nearly free money.
And then, if you can, save more. The more doesn’t have to be in your 401k, although it can be. It can be saving for a house, it can be saving in an IRA. It can be paying off debts faster than you technically need to (student loans, mortgages). Which makes sense depends on you, your goals, your age….. If you save for a house you don’t end up buying, that money doesn’t disappear. You can use it in retirement instead. If you never need the rainy day fund, you get to keep that money. Sure, maybe the tax implications aren’t perfectly optimized, but whatever, it never works out perfectly anyway, I promise. You do the best you can do.
Will 10% be enough? The bad news is that no one ever knows. You could put 50% of your income into a retirement account, and you STILL wouldn’t know if you were fucking over your future self or not. But trying a retirement calculator of some sort will give you a best guess at exactly how screwed you are or are not.
Any tips on how to convince one’s employer to institute a 401K plan? I work for a very small but rapidly growing, very employee-friendly company, and they just haven’t gotten around to it and I would like to nudge them to do so.
Maybe try and sell them on a Simple IRA plan instead? My small, employee friendly employers have tended to do those (I think they have lower admin fees, but are more restrictive about requiring matching, etc), and they’ve worked pretty well, except not very many companies use them so figuring out what the hell they are takes a little more footwork.
401ks are, frankly, sort of a pain for employers, especially in the beginning. The work that goes into finding an administrator, deciding the plan rules, getting the plan approved by the IRS, and then launching it to employees is not easy or fast. It is, however, sort of expected for established companies. It’s a tool for the company to say “hey, we’re real” to new employees. So, if your company is employee friendly, I’d say find someone who’s involved in benefits/compensation, and just ASK. “hey, what’s the plan in terms of retirement savings plans?” they may not know that current employees would like it, or they may be working on it already, or they may be considering some other benefit instead. (ie, in lieu of a 401k match, they might offer to buy employees the services of a financial planning service, or give a bonus to anyone who makes an IRA contribution……)
How complicated is it to roll over a 403B? I left a job 6 years ago, and every quarter I get a statement from Voya and think, I should really figure out how to roll that over. And then I don’t because it seems like a lot of trouble. But I guess I’m paying fees on the old 403B and the new 401K and I should really remedy that.
Depends on the two plans, but it very well could be pretty easy.
Call the new people first. Double check they accept “qualified retirement money from a 403B”. (Most people roll from a 401k or IRA, most plans don’t care as long as it’s qualified retirement money, if they tell you “no”, make them double check and call you back. It happens, sometimes, that it’s actually not allowed, but it’s more likely it’s just rare than it’s actually not allowed.) Ask them if all of your money is pretax (if there is roth or after-tax, things may get more complicated). Ask them what they need. They probably have a form you send to them, and some specific instructions on how to make the check payable. (ie, Fidelity Management Trust Company FBO Sonora Webster). They may want other stuff– doesn’t always happen, but sometimes it does, like an IRS Letter of Determination, or a copy of the confirmation statement that will come with their check.
Once you know what the new people need in order to accept it, talk to the old people. You may be able to do this on their website, over the phone, or it might be over the phone. Just make sure the check they create is made payable to the new people, NOT YOU. (ie, you want SOMEONE fbo (you), not (you). ) If the new people said they want a long pile of things, talk to the old people about that list BEFORE you request the check.
If you left the old place after age 55 and you’re not yet 59.5, or you are saving for education or the first time you buy a house, you might want to do something different.
Thanks! That’s very helpful!
I have no idea about vesting with my 403b. Who do I call? Should I go to the TIAA cref seminars? I get a 5% match so I max that out. I contribute about 5% to a roth ira also and randomly put extra money in there from time to time. I have healthy savings… and am haphazardly building up to a 20% down plus 5-10 thousand closing for a house. Where I live now they are cheap. I am not sure I want a house, but I figure it’s never bad to have savings. Right now I have some in a Vanguard fund that’s doing badly, and a savings account that is steady.
Vesting- First off, check your statement or the website. If your “vested balance” is the same as your “total balance”, stop worrying. If it’s not, call whatever phone number is on your statement (or is on the website) (HR should know this one, frankly, but they might not). You’re always vested in YOUR contributions, it’s the employer contributions that are a potential question. The longest vesting schedule the IRS allows for 401ks is 5 years. I’m not as familiar with 403bs, but the rules are often very similar.
The TIAA Cref seminar isn’t a bad idea, although they will want to be VERY general, if that’s what you’re looking for, great, if you’re not, skip it.
On investments for the lazy— If you see something like “Target Retirement 20xx” or “Lifepath 20xx” (where the xx is replace by years, usually in 5 or 10 year increments), those are funds designed to be appropriate for someone looking to retire in 20xx. So, right now, the 2055 funds are pretty aggressive, but have a mix of all sorts of things. 20 years from now, it will be more conservative. If you want a diversified portfolio where you don’t have to do any research and you don’t have to keep making changes, you may want to go with one of those. That said, some of the money goes to the people who make the decisions and changes for those funds. Usually those charges are pretty low, but not always.
I’m young, and have a high risk tolerance, so I like index funds at the moment. The idea there is that, for example, the S&P 500 Index funds are funds where they are in everything in the S&P 500. Not any deep analysis involved there, so the fees on these funds are pretty low, and the performance over the long haul on index funds, compared to managed funds, is really about the same as far as I’ve been able to tell. That said— this is NOT my area of expertise, and I don’t know what’s available to you.
thanks so much! I may shift around my vanguard extra investments… my tiaa cref are the target 20xx retirement ones so they seem fairly aggressive.
I’m gonna go with your first example and start by saying: I start my first post-college job on Monday (like most college graduates, am still amazed that anyone thought I was qualified to have a real job) and the company has a 401(k) plan but it’s “profit-sharing” and the only type of 401k I’ve ever heard of is the one with the “employer-match”; can you explain the difference between this to me? I tried googling it but all of the definitions involved complicated money-sounding language so I just stared at the words, processing nothing, and then went back to Netflix.
Don’t worry about it this weekend, wait til you get there, make sure they send you the “welcome kit” or “enrollment kit” or whatever they call it, and then look at what it says about employer contributions.
IN GENERAL, if they call it profit-sharing, there is usually some sort of contribution from the employer that is based on how well the company does. Sometimes everyone gets it, sometimes you have to do certain things to get it (like contribute at least x% into the plan of your own money). Sometimes it’s the only employer contribution, sometimes that contribution is on top of a more standard match. Sometimes it’s specifically contributed into the plan in your employer’s stock, sometimes it’s put in whatever investments you pick. Sometimes it’s put in a bunch of times a year, sometimes the contribution for 2015 is put in during the beginning of 2016. How they calculate what’s available for such a contribution, and who gets what, is usually the sort of calculation that involves witchcraft.
But, other than the employer contribution part of the plan, it is generally the same as any other 401k plan. And given how many employers have had to change their employer contribution schemes– sometimes a couple times– over the last 5-10 years, the name the company went with 20 years ago may not perfectly represent the main focus of the plan anymore.
It’s hard because I *think* my big savings goal is a house. But the real estate market in Toronto is madness and it’s my own fault I haven’t actually done hard research into what I can afford, so I just feel hopeless all the time.
I save, but not as much as my supersaver mom would like, although probably much more than a lot of my peers at the same income bracket and education level, if just because I’m very lucky to have a secure, unionized position. A couple of my friends have bought condos on their own, and that worries me because I feel like I should too even though I definitively do NOT want a condo (unregulated monthly fees!) but how can I afford a house without a partner?
It’s the kind of problem where I have the capital to put down a very good down payment on a house, but the monthly mortgage payments are ????
I’m enjoying my quality of life right now, but I know it’s not a long-term solution as a renter.
I’m mostly flopping around ignoring everything, and I shouldn’t.
We’re in Victoria, which while not TO, is also nuts. We thought for years that a house was our goal, and then just decided it …. wasn’t. Is there a reason you think renting won’t work for you long-term? Ever since I challenged my own assumptions about house-ownership and what it meant, I’ve been a ton happier (and richer, as all that down payment money was invested wisely).
I think no real reason except that it’s not as predictable and the whole “I’ll never get my money” back which always confused me if I could never really afford to sell my house and buy another one anyway. Also, renting in Toronto is also a special nightmare (like in most big cities, I imagine).
I’m thinking about rethinking the house ownership thing, and it’s hard in a culture that takes it as a given.
I feel wonderfully curmudgeonly when I talk about how we’ve opted out of house ownership. I really like Shiller’s work as a jumping off point. http://www.citylab.com/housing/2013/10/economist-…
Although he’s not for everyone, Mr Money Mustache just talked about TO and renting http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2015/07/27/rent-vs…
Good luck in negotiating it all! I find that my own opinions are informed by the readings I did for my undergrad in Canadian social history. The more I learned about the politics behind single family homes and the rise of the suburbs, the more comfortable I felt opting out of it.
Thank you! I will check these out.
Hi fellow Victorian! I made the jump to home ownership and yes, it is very expensive! I’m happy I did, because chickens and garden, but if it weren’t for that I’d have stuck to renting. I’ve had a lot of crappy landlords over the years though, and sometimes it is very nice not to have to deal with that crap. But I think it’s fair to say even if your monthly mortgage payment = your previous rent, and you are used to paying for utilities, the house is still going to cost 25% more than the rental just because of insurance, municipal taxes, water bills, sewer charges, and maintenance/repairs. And if you expect to do a lot of renoing or landscaping, well, there’s a ton more money there too.
everyone I know in TO who bought a house has help from their parents…. even if it wasn’t a lot of money, sometimes it was in the form of help with renos, or an interest free loan, or, or, or. ALSO: I rent. the old people where I work (I have moved away from TO now) are very concerned and I’m like, well, I’m saving. Isn’t that enough? Actually I’m like, well, my money is none of your business. But I digress.
Right now my goals are to start paying down the interest on my student loans and throwing a bit at savings, while also paying off my credit cards (which I’ve been working on slowly for the past year). I’ve been in grad school for about 38472085472 years, so I haven’t even been able to think about things like retirement, but now that I’m living with my boyfriend I’m able to put a little bit more of my money towards debt.
Thanks for this thread–I will always support money conversations. You all have also tipped me over into acquiring Mint.
this is about where I’m at–school forever, but I am down to 2 years of dissertation. I’ve kept the interest on my fortunately small student loans from capitalizing and chip at the principle when I can, but that’s as much as I’ve ever been able to do. I can scarcely imagine having a semi-permanent job, never mind being able to think meaningfully about buying a house or retirement. My big savings goal right now is a new(er) car, but this is the first month I’ve put anything in savings beyond the minimal bank requirement. I’m much more used to just leaving it all in checking because if I didn’t, a check was going to bounce.
re. the emotional aspects of money: For the first time I really have at least *some* savings cushion to fall back on, and I’m spending a large chunk on an interstate move that I know will be temporary. This often feels like a dumb idea, and I think that’s because I made the decision for almost purely emotional reasons. It’s the first time as an adult that I’ve really prioritized my family and mental health over my work. I’m also trying to forge some kind of relationship with siblings and increasingly feel that approaches to money and work are where we most glaringly have nothing in common and that we never, ever discuss it outside the context of Christmas lists. I’m very fortunate that my family has been in a position to help me, but it does weird things to relationships…
I’ve been thinking about money goals a lot lately. If feel like my money goals have been pretty straight forward for most of my life- pay off debt than save for a house. Now that both of those are done I’m a little lost. I know I need to build up my savings back up but I don’t know where I need to build it up to. Plus I feel like I need to start a house-specific savings account so that when I need a new roof or whatever I’m not totally wiped out. Plus I have a lot of projects I’d like to do around the house. Plus there are a lot of things that I would like to buy to make living in the house nicer. And maybe I should get back into contributing to my Roth IRA? And putting money into a car fund? I don’t know!!!
I fell off the YNAB bandwagon for, like, a year. But a couple months ago I started a new file with a drastically simplified budget (no more tracking cash!) and that’s been going well. So my current goal is to keep using YNAB.
Also, my credit card number was stolen, like, a year ago, and the credit card company sorted everything out so that’s fine, but I think they refunded my account about $4000 more than they should have. I tried to sort it out and I called them and they took back about $1000. So my other goal is to sort it out more clearly and figure out if they should take more back and then call them and sort it out. I wish I could do this over email, so I could send lists and stuff, but I don’t think I can because security. And I probably can’t do it by snail mail, and even if I could there would still be security concerns, and also it would take forever if they had questions.
My personal money goals are to fake my own death and move overseas to evade my law school loans.
This seems like a reasonable choice.
MONEY! Money money money. I joined Mint a few years ago and it was an excellent choice for me- I now have a little money in my savings & am chipping away slowly at my credit card debt. Long-term I am looking at how best to afford grad school. Fortunately this week I did a bunch of research and realized that (a) my field qualifies for additional lending from federal Stafford loans, so I probably won’t need private loans; (b) I qualify for income-based repayment; and (c) my current (and hopefully long-term) employer is classified as a nonprofit, so I can get my loans forgiven under the public service qualification after 10 years. Holy crap, that was an ENORMOUS relief. I’ll still have to pay a lot of money, but I also have at least an outside chance of saving up for a down payment on a house sometime in the next ten years. Thanks, Obama!!
One thing to think about (and maybe start planning for now): at the moment, any amount that’s forgiven under an income-based repayment plan is considered taxable income by the IRS. So you may get hit with a massive tax bill at the end of that 10-year period.
But it’s still a great thing, overall!
I thought there was an exception for public interest IBR?
Uhhhhhh I did not know that. I hope there is an exception for public service loan forgiveness. I might be well and truly screwed.
ETA: This: https://studentaid.ed.gov/sa/sites/default/files/…
says that under the PSLF it’s not considered taxable income. Thanks the pantheon.
If your loan is forgiven under the 10- year PSLF, it is not considered taxable income.
Source: https://studentaid.ed.gov/sa/sites/default/files/…
Yes, it appears that it is not considered cancellation of indebtedness income, but has to fulfill a few requirements:
http://www.learnvest.com/knowledge-center/ask-a-t…
Basically, if it’s a government loan and you got public interest forgiveness, you’re fine.
Ah, that’s good to know!! I think that wasn’t the case when I was thinking of applying for it several years ago.
Thank you for the heads-up! I believe, as others have said below, that public interest forgiveness does not fall under the taxable income. However! Plans and government programs can change, so I will be sure to discuss things carefully with my school’s financial aid crew before I dedicate myself to anything.
I use YNAB as well. I’m pretty into the Billfold still- what’s got you off of it?
Anyone have any tips on how to do money with a partner who earns a different income? My gentleman and I are moving in together. I make more, so I’m paying more of the rent, but otherwise we’ll still aim for 50-50 on splitting dates and shared expenses. Thoughts?
We did percentages for everything pre-marriage (we’re now fully one pot + individual spending money). My husband made about 2X my income when we moved in together (and then I went to grad school and we kept the 2/3 / 1/3 split). The thing that helped me as the lower income person was the way we split expenses- when we could, we made a budget, and then I got the fixed part of it that was 1/3 my contribution, and he got the variable part. So on groceries, I paid for the CSA, he did the day to day stuff. Our utilities were part of our rent, so that was easier to split. Eating out I’d pick up the tab about 1/3 of the time. We didn’t keep super tight track, though.
It was easier for us because our individual budgets were very similar in a percentage of income way before we moved in together- so we both spent about the same percentage of our income on food, housing, etc- when we moved in together we both pretty much were able to keep our individual budgets and have them work out to be the 1/3 / 2/3 split.
I’m a big proponent of the equal opportunity approach to couples budgeting rather than the equal spending approach, especially after marriage/ official long-term commitment. I think equivalent percentages of income is a good approach when you’re just starting to feel things out, especially if there’s a substantial income disparity, and especially especially if the income disparity means that the higher income person is accustomed to spending more than the lower income person. 50/50 splits on, say, restaurants when the higher income person habitually spends more at restaurants to start is potentially a recipe for making the lower income person spend money they wouldn’t otherwise spend rather than the higher income person spending less money.
I’m also a big believer in letting the person with less money have veto power in spending decisions since it has a disparate impact on them, typically. Our income disparity was probably larger than is typical, though, so the inequalities of other methods had a lot more impact for us than they might for other people. And of course, that’s just what worked for us- it’s all about what works well for both of you.
Thanks for this. Can you clarify what you mean by the equal opportunity approach rather than equal spending?
The thing I’m having trouble getting over is that he is much more of a spender than me, and I feel like if we completely share money, that I’ll resent that he’s spending “my” money in ways that I don’t value (I’m a major saver and prefer saving to nearly everything except a once-a-year vacation)
Hah- I knew it didn’t really make sense when I was writing it, but I was hoping for a Toast mind meld or something :P. Equal opportunity meaning both partners have an equal amount of the “good” side of budgeting (i.e. fun money) vs. equal dollar amounts of expenses. So equal opportunity would be no matter how much either partner makes, they each get the same amount of “fun” money, equal spending being no matter how much either partner makes, they split expenses 50-50. I feel the same way about chores- it’s more important that both people get the same amount of free time than that they do 50% of the work (mainly because if one person has a crazy commute or crazy work hours, they’re probably putting in time that benefits the household equally to scrubbing the toilet or whatever). Again, 50-50 works pretty okay when disparities aren’t large, but the bigger they get the more everyone really needs to be on the same page about what “fair” is (which may or may not be anywhere near my definitions- I make no claims that my views are universal truths).
Honestly, the equal “fun” money approach involves waaay more pooling of resources than I would be comfortable with outside of marriage, but it feels the most fair to me, since I don’t think that compensation is THE metric by which anyone’s contribution to a relationship should be measured. I like the equal percentages for everything approach as the compromise position, since you still split costs but in a way that the impact is fairer, but reduces the “subsidy” effect.
Combining finances for us was really, really easy, mostly because we share VERY similar views about spending and saving (and we kept all our bank accounts and just opened yet more bank accounts). It sounds like you both need to have some MAJOR discussions about money, spending, values, and long term goals, or you’re probably right about the resentment on one side or another. This will probably entail compromises on both sides, as usual : ) In the early days of shared rent/ finances, you might make a couples “fun” money budget to go with your groceries, rent, utilities etc. that you contribute to proportionately each month- once that’s gone one person or the other has to treat. That might help you feel like you have control over spending while letting him feel like he can still have fun with you in ways that involve spending money more than once a year. Agreeing on a grocery budget is a big one, too- if only because it tends to be the largest variable shared expense. We kept everything that only impacted one of us- clothes, health insurance, haircuts, gym memberships, student loans etc. completely separate until we got married, since the other person had zero imput into spending on those items.
Long term, getting on the same page about saving (or at least in the same general chapter of the same book) is really important to me, because in a lot of ways that’s how you plan for your future as a couple. My husband’s compromise involved actually talking about money & planning at all, since it makes him very anxious even though he is very good with money, mine involved NOT talking about money after a certain time in the evening so he can sleep, even though late in the evening is my favorite time to plan money things.
A Practical Wedding has a bunch of old posts about sharing money that were really helpful to me when my husband (then boyfriend) and I were moving in together- the comments give you a really broad range of approaches that might help you figure out what you want YOUR approach to be as a couple (rather than just reading me rambling on about mine :P)
My most pressing goal right now is to convince my husband that it is perfectly reasonable to spend more than $3000 on a new (used) car. That we can probably both find and afford a car in the $20,000 range, and that it will ultimately cost less money to do this because we won’t be constantly paying for repairs. But also I to figure out what we can actually afford and whether my dream of actually having a new new car is currently attainable given the other upcoming expenses (new fridge, water heater, carpet)
Have you looked at a honda fit? They are so cheap and so reliable, if you don’t mind driving a dorky space pod.
I love my dorky space pod and heartily recommend it. (And it was like $17k new?)
I also love my dorky space pod. It’s 6 years old and has yet to request any maintenance.
My friend has one, and she loves it. But honestly I want something a bit bigger. I used to drive a station wagon, and I really miss being able to throw a couple of bikes in the back or go to IKEA without worrying about it.
Hmm, I can fit a couple of bikes in my fit if the back seats are down, but I get it — it’s a teeny car. Still, I did manage to get a six foot cabinet home in it once! I was very pleased with myself.
Yeah, my Fit has an absurd amount of room. This is not the kind of measurement most people use, but I’m able to fit a five-foot harp and several paper boxes in it all at the same time, without worrying about damage to anything. It is totally possible to get a couple of bikes in the back. I’m not convinced it’s not a TARDIS.
I got my Ford Focus hatchback in Texas, used with one owner, for $14k ($15k with taxes). It’s great for hauling Ikea furniture and getting tons of shit from Costco. I highly recommend it! This week my fiance was hit by someone who ran a red light, and we’re pretty sure that his sporty two-door is going to be totaled. He’s considering getting a Ford Focus hatchback like mine, he loves it so much.
Other pros: super cute, great gas mileage (I got over 40 mph on the highway on a road trip), and my friends call it my “space car” because of the interior.
I bought my first-ever new car this past year, after driving $1K- 3K used cars for my entire adult life. It is a different mind-set that I now have a car payment. But, on the other hand, it’s **really** nice not to have to worry about bits falling off on my way home from work, not having to take it to the mechanic all the time, not having to worry about unexpected $500 repairs, not having to constantly top up leaky fluids, etc.
I have a Kia Rio, which is pretty affordable as new cars go, and is very highly rated by Consumer Reports for compact cars. I love mine! (And I’m spending a lot less on gas).
Yeah, this is sort of going hand in hand with my desire to start having kids in the next year or two. I’d feel safer in something newer.
I always chime in when Kia Rios come up – I rolled mine (a hatchback) four times and walked away without a scratch. Solid little buggers.
I love my Civic. I got a 3 year old one for around 15k – and my parents could help so no car loan, just an interest free loan (I am very lucky). It’s really good on gas for the highway. And I spend way less on repairs than my parents do – have spent prob $100 total in 2 years beyond oil changes and an insurance covered bumper when I was rear ended. (Parents bought a slightly older (5-7yr) Corolla – they prefer toyotas – for about half the amount of money). Also: the Civic can fit a bike. It fits 4 comfortably.
I am bad at all of this, but I do put some money in my savings account every paycheck which I guess is better than nothing?
It is definitely a start! My employer doesn’t match 401k so I figured that was pointless, and only started a savings account about a year ago (NYC!! why are you so terrible for saving money?!). Now I contribute about 2-2.5% of my gross income into my savings every month – I set up a sort of auto-pay thingy so I don’t forget or make excuses – and it’s definitely better than nothing.
It’s now at the point where it’s almost at that three months of expenses you’re supposed to have, so I feel pretty OK about that.
Can I ask a dumb question? How did you calculate 3 month’s expenses? Did you do three month’s salary? 3 months salary, minus what you’d get from unemployment? Rent + utilities + food?
Basically I go with rent + utilities + food, because I figure that’s the most important stuff. I’m not 100% sure what unemployment I would qualify for (I’m in a foreign country, it’s complicated), so I don’t factor that in. But I just keep putting money in there, so hopefully it’ll get up to 3 months salary, and then who knows. I basically just put it in the account when I get my paycheck and think of it in the same way I think about my rent or utilities: it’s gone and I can’t use it for things.
Personally, I would do 3 months salary. I’m a single mom of 2 teens, and I have saved up a lot more than that. If you find yourself out of work unexpectedly, you will not say to yourself “I wish I hadn’t saved up this much money for this emergency.”
Ugh, deciding what my goals are is the trickiest of all. I’ve paid off my debt (yay!) and I don’t…really have any interest in buying a house. So what should I be doing instead? (I do put some money into my 403B and Roth IRA.)
Super awesome vacation fund!
AGREED. I am about to buy my plane ticket to New Zealand for next year/my 30th bday and I am so glad I’ve had this little nest egg to help fund that.
Do you have 3-6 months of expenses saved up? If you have that, are you investing 15-20% (or some other figure that makes you feel good) for your future retirement? If you’ve got both those boxes ticked, it’s time to start thinking of what your life goals are that require money. Maybe it’s travel, or charity work, funding a scholarship at your alma mater, going into business for yourself, or retiring early. You get to decide! Yay!
This is so relevant to my life! I just got my first big grown up job, although it doesn’t have a very grown up pay check. I’m trying to save each month for general travel (visiting friends on weekends) and a big trip I’ll take in two years, as well as throwing all of my leftover “fun” money into savings along with what I’m saving by living with my parents for a month and a half until I move in to my new place.
The thing that has been the hardest and I didn’t expect was having to predict and attach a price tag to emotional wellbeing. I.e. am I willing to pay more for a smaller room if it’s in a place I love and with two other women rather than five men? I went yes because I already work with too many sexist bros, and think ultimately that’s the right choice for me, but am still looking at the pictures of the bigger place and imagining the tea parties I could have had there and never previously wanted.
I am also off the Billfold right now. What made you turn? I can’t really put my finger on it. I guess it’s not really reflective of where I am or my own relationship to money?
I actually met Mr Money Mustache last week! And his whole shtick makes a lot more sense to me after actually talking to him. He is indirectly responsible for our household excellent financial shape right now, so I’m willing to cut some slack.
My husband and I talk about money a little bit everyday and it’s great. We are able to have really honest conversations about money and our shared goals and emotional responses to it and it is the best.
I think I just got tired of the “let’s all figure out money together! I know very little about money but here’s an article I wrote about it that you should read!” mentality. I hate feeling mean about it, but at this point in my life I want someone who’s actually “better” at money than I am to tell me about money.
Well, they ran a super sexist headline and I made a comment about it (and several people chimed in to support me), and…. crickets. That put me off quite a bit. I miss Logan Sachon, I don’t care for Nicole Dieker’s writing (and she writes a solid 25% of the stuff), and then earlier this week they ran an article about student loans from <drumroll> someone who went to college 25 years ago. It’s just starting to feel more and more out of touch, and I think the commentariat is starting to fall away.
Agreed with nearly all of this (I love Nicole). That “no credit cards and you can too” was so tone deaf and way out of line with previous writing the billfold. I also kind of hated the my kids go to Europe thing in a “Congratulations. How wonderful.” way. I also hate the new layout.
Yeah agreed to basically all points. I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels that way about Nicole Dieker’s writing style. Some of the negativity in the comment section frustrates me, too, or the inability of some commentators to acknowledge that there are many ways to live life, and do money, and that someone choosing a different path than your own isn’t an indictment of your path.
Some posts by her make it very obvious that she gets paid by the post. They could do with a few fewer posts a day and have better quality content
I am here for this conversation, but first I must transport teens to junior high and high school orientation-type activities.
After buying a house I’m having to scale back a bit on my spending, since I had gotten used to the low mortgage on our previous crappy trailer. The results have been mixed, for sure. I’m still trying to save 25% of my income and I’m having trouble trying to figure out the correct places to cut back.
I also found out this week that now that I’m working from home occasionally and using my cell phone for calls, my plan is really not cutting it. Apparently I pay $0.50 a minute for local calls after I use up my first 200 minutes, including incoming calls! I’m changing my plan, but now it’ll cost $15 more a month and I had a bunch of unexpected expenses this month.
I’m still climbing out of the hole that a half-year of unemployment + an interstate move put me in three years ago. It destroyed my (decently sized) savings and my credit card debt. I’ve been finding ways to cut my expenditures – moved from car > train > bike for primary mode of transportation; drinking less (damn alcohol can add up); going on a yarn diet; rejiggering my data plan for my phone – but damn is it hard to cut back on discretionary spending when there’s so much fun stuff to do in the city, and so many friends who want to do that stuff with you.
I’ve managed to build up a teensy bit of savings, but it’s not even a month’s worth of expenses. Guh. What makes it extra frustrating is that my partners and I are discussing buying a house together, and they both have decent-sized nest eggs from lawsuit payouts. Whereas I have zilch, despite technically having the best-paying job (for now). It’s like, do I have to get hit by a car in order to get a decent amount of money saved or what?
“going on a yarn diet”
That threw me for a minute
My goal right now is to spend. I can save like nobody’s business, but will deprive myself of fun stuff even though I can afford it now, because I’m so afraid of seeing the balance in my savings account dip. Because I might need that if my car breaks down or my house burns down or I lose my job or my whole family dies!
I was close to the bone after college and on a budget in grad school, but now that I have job stability and vacation time, I’m going on my first Actual Trip ever (San Francisco, yay!) and am working on balancing the panic of less money in the bank vs. the experiences and memories I’ll make while traveling. And, fixing my mindset of saving towards one where I have a concrete thing to put money towards, rather than just Scrooging it.
I have no goals of getting out of debt (see: grad school), and in general, I see the responsible management of debts as a good thing.
I know I do this to everyone, and I’m trying to do better, but: may I recommend YNAB? It’s really very good for labeling your saved money as being for specific things, and then you can look at it and know that you have $x saved for emergency fund reasons, so it’s ok to spend the $y you have saved for fun stuff.
Some of their help and forums is quite anti-debt, but I think it would be pretty easy to ignore that bit.
Perhaps you could pick a spending goal on Things You Want But Don’t Need- $100 a month, or whatever- set it aside somehow (like, get cash, put it in an envelope), and then give yourself a deadline. If you don’t spend it on SOMETHING you don’t really need by (date), then that money goes to a charity. And then, depending on how you feel about this sort of thing, you can either pick a charity you like, that way either you use the money for yourself or it goes somewhere else and you feel nice about it and that’s very much like something you want but don’t need…………. OR you make it a charity you HATE (ie, the Donald Trump campaign) so you MAKE SURE that you spend that money one way or the other.
The envelope is a fantastic idea. I can spend cash pretty easily, actually- I think it’s my mentality that because it’s already out of the bank, I might as well do something with it- but this still keeps me in line. Thank you!
does anyone have any advice on money when thinking about having kids? we don’t have any *yet* but are deeply considering. I was browsing daycare costs in our area and gave myself an anxiety attack. It’s as much as our rent! we would be able to eat and clothe ourselves but wouldn’t be able to put any money into savings beyond what’s going into our respective 401ks (6%).
I desperately want to be organized about money, but my main source of income finally declined to renew my contract after three years of employment and I’m at a total loss for what happens next. I am lucky enough to have enough contract work to last me through a couple months, but I’ve been looking for steadier work for two straight years with no success. I know this isn’t in the spirit of the thread but if anyone knows of any reading about how to minimize your debtload during unemployment or something to that effect, I’d be appreciative.
I’ve read a fair bit about debt and money over the last 5 years, and the overwhelming consensus is that when you don’t have steady income coming in, you are in “storm clouds” mode and you do not spend money you don’t have to. You don’t send extra to debt, you don’t get a Starbucks on your way to class, you don’t go the movies on the weekend. Buy a can/bag of coffee at the grocery and put the rest of your Starbucks money into savings because you don’t know how long you’ll be unemployed. Get a DVD from the library or Redbox, or watch Netflix.
You DO make minimum payments on everything. You do cook at home. You do take advantage of all the freebies your community has to offer, as far as entertainment goes. You do pull through this low spot and go on to be even more successful than before. Good luck!
My goal is to buy a house, but since I’m not even making ends meet, I don’t think it will ever happen. I budget everything. I keep track of everything. I just don’t get paid enough for the work I do. I make $8.25, no benefits (apart from paid holidays and time off, but not in a way that I can cash out if I don’t use them). My rent is more than half my monthly income, but moving isn’t really an option. I talked to my boss about it last week, and he said he’d look into it, but he hasn’t, and now he’s left for a vacation and won’t be back until Wednesday.
I freaked out a little bit about rent increases last month and started saving for a downpayment on a condo. This is hilariously implausible, I don’t even want to live here long-term, but despite the fact that it will take me at least five years to come up with something even vaguely reasonable it’s oddly reassuring.
I’ve had a very difficult summer financially… I only have myself to blame but I’ve accumulated quite a bit of tax debt. Considering selling dirty underwear online…
Thank you to the lovely Toasties who did a nice thing for me this week by buying my bloomers!
Is anyone else puposefully avoiding the Torch Song/Bee story because you do not want earworms today?
My PT guy is impressed with my progress and yesterday he told me that not the next session but maybe the session after that (so, September) we can start prep work for deadlifting again!
What good news have you had this week?
I think Magic Mike XXL has been an excellent influence on me because all I can think about is a pair of breakaway cowgirl bloomers…
…on Channing Tatum
I’ll be in my bunk
If someone finds a way for me to present him with a pair, believe me, I SHALL MAKE THEM.
Well, Roxane Gay, OBVIOUSLY, right? 😉
Good point. My number of degrees to Channing Tatum could be much smaller than I thought!
In the continuing saga of helping my mom recover post-heart failure, she had a good week! Some meds got reduced, I got her a pass for water aerobics (that she is excited for!) and we picked out some new bookcases for her house. Self-care is new and hard for her, so I’m proud of her for taking steps to take care of herself.
Self-care is hard. Good for her!
And THANK YOU, btw!
My husband is buying me this great shirt for my birthday: http://teespring.com/femlookslike
That. Is. Hilarious!
Men gave me money this week! I found a dude to take over my lease at the beginning of the month but he couldn’t move in until the day after rent was due. So I paid rent and he was going to write me a check when he moved in except his check book was packed away. I had a good gut feeling about him so I wasn’t super worried but it’s nice to have your faith in someone come through. Also my ex who conveniently forgot he owed me money finally sent a small check. ‘Grats bro! It only took you 4 months to scrape together a fifth of what you owe me!
Needless to say I’ve been singing “bitch better have my money” quite a bit lately.
Aaaaaaaaaand there’s that earworm I was trying to avoid…
Sorry!!
S’okay. If I gotta have an earworm, a Rihanna song is a good one to have.
Congratulations on your PT progress. Dang, it can be frustrating, so I’m glad you are getting close to a goal (DLing). :))))
I got a promotion and by the end of the day I will be at a cabin at the river with friends!
1. Roommate *might* *finally* have a job, we’ll see late next week. So I can start planning my move.
2. I got an @ reply on twitter this week from Jemaine Clement. Not news, per se, but pretty damn exciting nonetheless. Pretty sure I squeed.
Re: the reply tweet
Congratulations on your progress with PT! I had been wondering how that was going for you–the torn labrum is such a bummer diagnosis. I have been having very good results (with a few setbacks) following the FAI Fix, which combines deep tissue work and stretching with simple PT-type exercises. Some days are better than others, but I have had whole days without pain, thanks to the lacrosse ball which is my new best friend. Anyway, keep rockin’ it! You’ll be back to deadlifting in no time and better than ever.
I’ve never heard of FAI Fix. I’m paging through the website and this is fascinating. Thank you for the link and hurray for days without pain! Go, you!
Scottish toasties–where is a good place to buy a proper tartan scarf? Also, I am not doing anything this weekend and I am delighted.
Try Lochcarron? http://www.lochcarron.co.uk/ I got given a blanket from there and it’s really nice. I’m not scottish though, so idk how proper it is 😉
Tomorrow I’m getting together with several friends and we’re going to make duct tape dress dummies. I am excited to have this and hope that it motivates me to do more sewing for myself this fall and winter.
I hope you have better luck than I did last year. I really want to try again but it I’m not sure I’ll get the time. FYI, if you are using the dummy to make a cosplay base, do not use spray rubber coating on it, it will melt and bubble the duct tape and ruin it all.
Good to know. I’m just excited to have another group of sewers to do this with. I’ve tried to do fitting to myself too often and it’s a headache.
I haven’t attempted the duct tape form myself (have a standard issue adjustable form) but best of luck!! And sew like the wind.
Remember, looking at a $250 dress at Anthropologie and realizing “not only could I make that, but it would fit my top AND bottom halves at the same time” gives you -POWER-
Hey y’all, been minimal on Open Thread for a few weeks because work has been nutso. But now I’m back, so how about a Fashion/Shopping Thread??
– Harper’s Bazaar said that tapestry is in for fall. How psyched are you about that? I immediately went out to Goodwill to try and find a tapestry pencil skirt but they were all pretty drab. Gonna keep looking!
– Gabi Fresh for ASOS Curve: the cutest, or the most fabulous? Are you living for that sequin-cape-yellow-skirt ensemble? I am!
– I got a cute navy blue/white marled sweater from Uniqlo last weekend for $10 in the men’s sale section! There were a lot of XS things in sale, perfect for my 5′ 6″ height. I cannot wait until it gets like 20 degrees colder so I can wear it. What is the first thing you’re going to break out of closet purgatory once fall hits?
Flannel. All of the flannel, omg so excited for my flannel.
It rained on Tuesday so I wore my flannel. Was I too warm, because it was still like 80 and humid out? Yes. Did I regret it? No. Flannel 4 life.
Anyone know a good place to get flannel that’s functional, well-made, and attractive, but not horrifyingly expensive?
Do you have a farm & feed store anywhere near you? That’s always been our best bet. Not necessarily always super high-quality, but there’s variety.
Oh, what a good idea! Thanks!
I loooove the ASOS Curve yellow skirt and the sparkly stripey dress!! What are ASOS Curve sizes? I’m “inbetweenie” or whatever but ASOS has free returns so maybe I’ll just buy it all and return what doesn’t fit.
Their sizes are so weird I don’t think there’s anyway to know. I always just buy like 3 sizes and see what works!
Aha, fashiony people! If you were wearing this frock to a wedding tomorrow (which I am – the link is the blog post that made me go and buy it) – proper black tights or more see-through ones to make it a bit more summery?
http://www.domesticsluttery.com/2012/11/dream-dre…
Ooh, that’s so cute! What shoes are you wearing? If you’re wearing “contrast” shoes, I’d go with black tights like the model, but if you’re wearing black/dark shoes, I’d go with the more see-through ones.
Probably black lowish heel slingbacks. I’ve got these in gunmetal grey, which go with the dress but I think they’re a bit un-weddingy? Also not sure about the heels with current bad back.
http://newrockbootsuk.com/m.tr001-s1-new-rock-bla…
Definitely see-through hosiery to compliment that lovely detail on the back.
ETA: Oh! Which I see is actually also a detail on the front–I thought it was just a sweetheart neckline, but no, the sheer fabric is on the chest, too. Certainly dark-but-sheer hosiery.
I totally agree!
I’d go for see-through. And do you happen to have shoes in this shade of violet/lilac?
No, nothing close enough. The grey ones go with it, but I normally wear them with black and silver sparkly tights, which I think are more of an evening thing and also probably a bit warm for August.
I am wearing this, which arrived in the mail yesterday: http://www.modcloth.com/shop/dresses/callback-con…
and it is so soft and SO PURPLE which is (objectively) the best color.
I want to wear layers and cardigans and tights tights tights and booooots again. C’mon fall!
Leather jacket + leather boots. YES.
Will also return to wearing nothing but leggings.
and if you wear black leggings with a t-shirt and a black leather jacket you look COOL it’s MAGICAL
I’m not sure where on earth I would wear them, but I’ve seen enough of the leather/vinyl-look leggings that I really really want a pair of my own. It’s the strangest thing, I hated them at first but I grew to love them over time and exposure. The only question (aside, again, from where do I think I will wear them??) is where to GET them.
Does anyone follow any fashion blogs/tumblrs? I need more avenues of procrastination.
omg so many. what kinds of style do you like??
Many! Gothy, artsy, waaay out there concepts, or just plain pretty dresses. Hit me with recs!
OK! Here goes!!
– Atlantic Pacific: crazy aspirational, just plain pretty, quite high fashion
– Nicolette Mason: plus size girly-ish but also kinda cool and hip and grunge sometimes?
– And I Get Dressed: plus size minimalist with some pops of crazy
– The Clothes Horse: Skinny white girl in adorable outfits who seems genuinely nice
– Keiko Lynn: seriously one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. she has a very hipster/girly thing going on
– The Glamourai: also very aspirational, but she just does incredible outfits and writes really well
– Sea of Shoes: really into weird vintage, but is also really rich so she mixes all sorts of stuff together
I can’t wait to see other people’s recs! I love finding new blogs to read, and I hope you enjoy some of these as well!
Ooooh! Thanks. So much time will be gloriously wasted!
I just started following FAIIINT because I definitely need more all black outfits in my life. It’s not 100% fashion, but fashion heavy enough.
I am in total love with the pointy-toed Kurt Geiger boots she’s been wearing lately.
This is also awesome. Thanks!
I don’t, but I too need these avenues of procrastination in my life!
Does anyone have any style blogs for cute outfits that don’t involve high heels because I just cannot wear heels, I try, but they hurts us, precious.
Oooh, can anyone recommend fashion blogs/tumblrs that are dedicated to professional outfits? I’m starting grad school and have no idea how to dress myself. Please send help.
Unfortunately not a full-fledged fashion blog anymore, but have you heard of Sea of Ghosts? I think I’d dress a lot like her if I came into some money and wanted to retain my dark style.
What is the first thing you’re going to break out of closet purgatory once fall hits?
MY BOOTS. ALL OF THEM. GOD I MISS THEM SO MUCH.
Thank you for that tip about tapestry! I have tons of jaquard and tapestry fabrics from when I used to make bodices/corsets for Renaissance Festival. Maybe I can figure a way to incorporate them into current wardrobe pieces.
Any sewing Toasties who’ve had success combining knits and woven fabrics? I’m wearing mostly knits these days (I can’t wear tight or constrictive clothing right now) but I know there are ways to successfully combine the two types in a single garment. I’d love some tried-and-true tips from people I trust.
We had a day this week of 60F temps and bucketing rain, and I spent the whole goddamned day wondering why I hadn’t busted out a pair of boots to wear in August BECAUSE I COULD HAVE. I miss them so much.
I have more than twenty pairs of boots (oh god) and I still bought another pair this month because July was a three-paycheck month and it’s the first time I’ve had spending money since January. I needed them! I didn’t have any green or over-the-knee boots!
UGH THEY’RE GORGEOUS.
I want to wear them SO HARD right now.
Oh please post pics if you sew any awesome tapestry pieces!
Will do! My current aesthetic is what I call Delicate Post-Apocalypse and I’m mostly re-fashioning thrift store shirts into multi-layer dresses. Could be interesting with the fancy-ass fabrics!
Delicate Post-Apocalypse needs to be a trend. Do you tumble? I would so look at those pictures.
My Tumblr is clevermanka.tumblr.com but I don’t post my fashion inspiration there. I use Pinterest for that. I’m Clever Manka there, too.
FRAMPF I love those Jeffrey Campbell boots!
I live in a land of perpetual autumn or winter weather (or so it certainly seems) but I have, what the industry calls ‘plus size’ calves and I have found very, very few extended calf boots that fit me. Any got any recs? I have some black knee high motorcycle boots that I love, but I need something sleeker, and would love something like the ones CleverManka got. HALP.
Alas, I have the opposite problem, so I’m afraid I can’t give you any suggestions. Best wishes finding some that work for you!
I love Gabi but her line doesn’t really look to be my style 🙁
In fashion news, I got a linen dress custom made from etsy and I love it! It makes me look kind of like a hippy art teacher but WHO CARES. Linen is the best and I am slowly growing my collection of rustic shapeless clothing.
I’m really excited for fall to wear this sweater, which I got in the black during the Nordstrom Anniversary sale. It’s going to need to wait until late September/early October, I think, and I’m hoping to hunt down a pencil skirt in one of the colors in the floral print before then.
I’m going shopping today! I have birthday money and instructions to spend it on something nice to wear to my new job. I want a couple of solid-colored but not-neutral bottoms, pants or skirts. And I’d like some new jewelry, maybe?
Super cute sweater! I got a bright green floral sweatshirt from Gap last year– kind of similar with the all-over print– and it unexpectedly became a go-to for the office.
Have fun shopping!!
SWEATERS FOR DAYS! Preferably layered over Oxford shirts. It’s a billion degrees here and the only comfortable thing to wear is shorts and t-shirts, but I’m very excited to return to my usual Rumpled Schoolboy look.
I just started using Stitch Fix and I am kind of embarrassed for how excited I am about it. I get pretty clothes sent to my house and I don’t have to do anything except decide if I like them or not! Someone has to pay attention to what I like in clothes and give them to me! I get to be a fancy person with fancy things!
How do you like Stitch Fix? It looks like it might be MOAR than I need, just based on my storage space – I don’t need new clothes monthly – but it looks like SO MUCH FUN.
I like it so far! I’ve only gotten one shipment yet, but I kept two of the five items, which seems pretty good to me to start with. You can set your frequency to get it less than monthly if you don’t need as many clothes. I’m rebuilding my wardrobe post-pregnancy, so I do want a lot of clothes right now, but I think it goes as low as maybe every three months?
I tried stitch fix for several months, but the current clothing trends of loose, billowy shirts and fitted bottoms are the exact opposite of what I like to wear, so I didn’t have much luck with it. I did end up with an exceptionally comfy sweater and a nice jersey dress, though, so it wasn’t a complete bust.
Stitch Fix looks like it could be good… but I’m a little confused about pricing. Do you pay a fee every month to be a part of it, or is everything free except for the clothes you choose to keep?
Only for the clothes! There’s a $20 styling fee to start with, but it gets applied to your first order, so essentially as long as you’re keeping something from your order it’s as if that fee didn’t exist. You only pay for what you keep, and they make it super easy to send things back. And you set the price range you want for different types of clothes. So far it all seems pretty reasonable to me. (I promise I’m not shilling for them, I’m just excited to finally have nice clothes after feeling terrible about how I look for a while now!)
On the fashion thing: is anyone doing an accessories subscription box these days? Or a beauty-and-accessories box? I’m considering whether it’s something that would work for me, and I’m so bad about picking out new accessories, so getting them in a subscription could be a good option.
I don’t think Harper’s Bazaar intends this when they say tapestry is in, but omg if someone here can fit this please get it and wear it triumphantly around to all of the wine bars in your town! IF there is NOT a wine bar in town, any outcropping of rocks/public plaza you can possibly give a sermon on wine from will do just perfectly!
https://www.etsy.com/listing/166761040/last-suppe…
THIS IS AMAZING
My sentiments exactly. You are as a treasure unto us, manka.
Various heart eyes emojis.
That is hilarious and somehow exactly my style but XS simply will not do.
I have seriously considered buying it, cutting it up the back and wearing it as an apron! It’s so good!
Hahah I keep thinking like… maybe I can squeeze my M/L booty in there?? MAYBE?? (No. The booty does not go into xs items. It is known.)
I went all the way to Paypal on this skirt before I remembered that I am actually in the middle of applying for grant money because I am broke :-(.
Also, why won’t IntenseDebate let me log in???
Because I’ve been working from home and the only professional obligations on the horizon are a conference for other weirdos and MAYBE teaching one section of a basic course, I’ve been pretty relaxed fashionwise lately. I only really want to wear flowy racerback tanks with some bra showing, leggings, and vans, so I went out and stocked up on some of those things. I also asked my BF to help me take my undercut higher & shorter, and I love it–I can get all my hair swept over to one side if I want.
I’m not yet sure what fall in the bay area will look like, but I’m looking forward to breaking the Frye boots and leather jacket out again. They’re definitely the clothes that make me feel most like myself.
I AM SO EXCITED TO WEAR TIGHTS AGAIN.
I saw a hot pink maxi skirt on instagram last weekend and immediately fell in love with it. She’d tagged the company in the picture so I went to the website and they had the skirt! For $30! I looked around some more and find a pink tulle skirt for $17 that I also really liked, so I thought “if they ship to Russia and it’s not too expensive, I’ll buy them” (lots of companies don’t ship here, even if they do international shipping). So I selected international shipping and put in my country. They would have charged $74. For regular, three weekish shipping, not even for express. I ordered two shirts a month or two ago and the shipping from the US to here was $10, so I know it’s a wildly inflated number.
I decided to have them sent to my mom and then just pick them when I’m home at Christmas, but then I decided that instead she could ship them to me here as a birthday present (for less than $74, of course). So now I’m anxiously waiting for them to arrive in Michigan so that she can pack them up again and send them to me here. I’m hoping they arrive before my birthday and my upcoming trip to Florence! I just hope they both fit since there’s really no way I’m going to be able to return them.
tl; dr: I’m very excitedly awaiting the arrival of a hot pink maxi skirt and light pink tulle skirt.
You guys, Mikki Kendall retweeted a link to this Teespring campaign this morning and when I saw it, it was like a chorus of angels was singing.
They’re perfect! Affordable! Size-inclusive! Simple and beautiful, both in message and design! Campaign run by a black woman! *heart eyes forever*
Toasties! In an hour I’m heading over to my boyfriend’s parents’ house to meet them for the first time and have Shabbat dinner. I’m currently sitting alone at work a fizzing ball of nerves. What if they hate me? What if I forget normal human behaviour and bark at them or pee on the carpet? Ahhhhhhh 🙁
Please distract me?
This is one of my new favorite tumblrs get out of there cat
Ahh amazing!!!!
This post in particular brought me much joy and literal squealing out loud:
hide and seek
Me too!
You’ll probably bark at them and pee on the carpet. But then you’ll have a funny story!
(If it makes you feel better–one of my dudefriends was trying to talk to his gf’s parents in their native tongue. However, instead of warning her father that there was dog poop on the lawn as he meant to do, he ordered her father to immediately take a dump on the lawn. Much laughter ensued.)
I will definitely try that. I’m sure they have bathrooms in the house, but sometimes fresh air is good for the bowels…
I went to my first bar mitzvah earlier this week, and met my boyfriend’s extended family for the first time. They were all REALLY NICE and I’m sure everybody is going to be REALLY NICE to you too! You’re great! They’ll see that!
Thank you! 🙂
lol I met my ex’s mom for the first time as I was puking into her upstairs toilet so
She found me charming later, I think.
Hahahahaha
At least you were puking in the toilet and not on the carpet or in the laundry hamper!
……… Pee before you leave?
Nah, it’ll be fine, and if it’s not, it’s on them, or maybe him, but it seems unlikely it’ll be your fault.
(Like the first time I met an ex’s parents, and they asked me what a great person like me was doing dating their son, and I responded “insanity runs in my family” which was a reference to tamora pierce I knew the guy in question would get and thus know that I was simultaneously objecting to the question but also not going to rock the boat over it, but i am STILL pissed on his behalf even though he and i broke up in, like, 2007? That was all on them.)
Definitely doing all the peeing pre-parent-meeting!
I shall take this opportunity to direct you to the website of one of my favorite coffee shops, which has the cutest logo ever. Given your user name, am assuming will be relevant to your interests: http://www.foxinthesnow.com
Every time I think about my wedding next summer, I internally make both a happy face and a sad face–like those Greek comedy and tragedy masks. Right now there is one major obstacle tipping things into tragedy and that’s my very, very large Latino family who almost all live in one city outside the U.S. and are far too numerous to fit in the venue.
Partly, we picked a smaller venue on purpose; attending would mean long-distance travel for them, so we’re pretty sure not everyone will be able to come. But! the exact number that would come is a complete mystery, and I’m so torn about what to do.
My dad’s (very biased) advice is of course to invite them all, and to trust that there’s space for the ones that do come. My friends who have had a similar situation recommend inviting people in “waves”: the most important people first, then down the line. The latter seems safer but much more fraught: my family is unbelievably close-knit, and news of any kind gets texted en masse or posted on Facebook. Also, if space fills up quickly, would I just never invite the “third-tier” family members, who have all heard the news?
I’ve also read about couples who do a reception with family abroad after the fact, but I’m not sure that’s an option we could afford.
Has anyone else had this fun bicultural wedding problem? I worry that I will spend the next 12 months in a suspended balloon of guilt because I’ve screwed this up.
: ) : (
oh, honey, we eloped for several reasons, but this was 100% one of them. good luck finding a solution that eases your mind – I think that I would probably invite everyone… a friend was married in a very small venue, and the wedding ended up being seating for the elderly family members with everyone else standing – it was packed – and ten years later is one of the most joyful wedding-attendance memories I have.
Awww. Although I’m not sure how feasible this is in our situation, it’s really nice to hear about another couple Making It Work. Thanks, inkwashed.
Assuming it’s a church wedding, the old-school solution to this problem is inviting everyone to church and then only some to the reception. As people RSVP, you can issue additional reception invitations. It certainly doesn’t guarantee no hurt feelings (I’m not sure how that’s possible in this situation, unfortunately), but it’s not as exclusive as not inviting people at all.
Ugh, I know. Our particular combination of religious traditions meant it made more sense not to choose a church but a neutral location instead, so the ceremony and reception are both taking place in the same space. I feel you on the need to accept that hurt feelings are perhaps unavoidable here, and it’s just the nature of things.
What works for my large and incredibly close-knit family is to invite people at a specific “relationship level.” For my wedding, it was immediate family, grandparents, godparents, aunts, uncles and cousins only. Of course, this was still 91 people– but of that number only 55 came. This was for a Sunday daytime wedding about a 3-hour drive from where most of them live.
My cousin got married in her own house, and only invited immediate family, grandparents, aunts and uncles. So I wasn’t invited– but neither were any of my siblings or our other cousins. Consistency = fewer hard feelings, I think.
Also, if you wanted to do something in their town afterward, it wouldn’t have to be wedding-level necessarily– you could just have a normal family party with extra cake.
Good luck!!
… I am here very very late, but I wanted to second the suggestion of throwing a non-wedding-party with those people later on. “between budget and location I just couldn’t fit everyone and I was just so upset about it but then my to-be-spouse suggested that we make sure we get to celebrate with ALL of you later on and I thought that was just such a good idea and isn’t spouse such a dear? I can’t WAIT to see ALL of you then!!”
(you make your spouse look good. you get to see the sort of “first tier” people you care about who couldn’t make it to the wedding. you get to make sure everyone else saves face- you wanted them, all of them, but you couldn’t, but because you couldn’t, you planned a different thing because they are that important to you)
(of course some people will probably end up feeling hurt. Whatever, they’re your third tier relatives, they’ll get over it, they are, hopefully, grownups)
(if they’re not grownups, they’d probably find something else to be pissed about anyway, so, whatever)
The best part of my weekend is that MY IN LAWS ARE GOING HOME THANK ALL THE GODS. They’ve been here a week, cleaning my clean house and complaining about how boring it is where we live. You did not have to stay a week! Go home and stop complaining about my cats because they LIVE HERE they are ALLOWED TO MAKE NOISE.
Tell me in law stories. My FIL asked my husband “when is your wife going to give us a grandchild?” Now, I would not strike a 60-year-man who could crush me like a bug if he so chose, but I’d have killed him if he said that to me.
Ugh. Gross.
Well, my FIL once teased the dog by holding a toy over the head of the (senior, alpha) cat in the household, causing said cat to lash out at said dog and then husband lashed out at FIL (we had told him to stop- he didn’t).
I’m also wearing earrings that are slightly off from one another because of that time when FIL grabbed one and yanked on it, causing the wire to straighten. He sort of bent it back into a vaguely curved shape, but now they do not match.
Don’t get me started on the cologne smell that takes weeks to air out.
Good times.
…And they’re coming through in a couple of weeks, on their way to meet friends who live south of us. Send wine. (NB: MIL is lovely and has even learned to deal with the fact that we have cats and try to like them. Although we had to explain to her last time that one of our cats who is scary, ferret-smart was experimenting with doorknobs – that worried her, I believe.)
First, I love my in-laws and get along well with them. However, my first Thanksgiving at their home my MIL took credit for the sweet potato casserole that I made (which still seems odd, but I’ve long since forgiven her) and she also stabbed me. In the hand. With a rusty tenderizer tool that looked like a medieval torture implement.
I should elaborate: she asked me to get something from a drawer and while I was reaching for item in said drawer she absentmindedly tried to shut it which caused the tenderizer to stab me in the meaty part of my hand, under the thumb. It went in far enough to draw a decent amount of blood, too. I can laugh about it now, but I was traumatized for a time after that Thanksgiving.
That is so fucking medieval, right down to the phrasing of the question. ugh.
If only you could ask him if he is Rumpelstiltskin, because he is looking for you to give him your firstborn child.
My husband donated his sperm to family members for a baby. When we told his parents, my FIL turned to me and said “This doesn’t let you off the hook, y’know”.
Wat.
(Also I’d be super interested in hearing more about your husband’s experience with in-family sperm donation if you feel comfortable talking about that?)
Yup. Perfect timing to thrust the grandchildren nagging.
I’m happy to talk about it! It was a really positive experience — his cousin and her wife wanted to have a child who was genetically related to both of them, thus they asked my husband. It’s involved a lot of talking, legal papers, and relationship building, but their son is here now and adorable. We’re excited for our future kids to have a special cousin, or a “dibling”
The main issue has been the big, clannish, conservative family dealing with it, which they are doing a decent job of …
Hoo boy. Just got back from the future in-laws’, which involved FIL leaning over and saying “Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you. Are you two going to have children?” And as if it wasn’t bad enough, it was because HE wanted to know whether HE would need to get another tattoo because he has tattoos of his grandchildren’s initials. And then he demanded to know immediately after we had decided.
“Joking” to me about women withholding sex until they get money from their husbands, as if I haven’t support his son through law school and self-employment and everything else for 10 years and making a kissy boo boo face when I said it wasn’t funny.
Repeatedly getting food for me anyway when I said I didn’t want any.
Constantly bringing up how weird it’s going to be if we also invite his ex-wives (one of whom is my fiance’s fucking mother) to our wedding, but in a way that suggest a) people might think WE are weird for doing so and b) he has no idea how he ended up with two ex wives, and that it was some sort of cosmic accident and not anything that had to do with him.
Step-mother in law asking us outright if we would invite her sister, who I have met once and who also lives in another country to our wedding. She also proclaimed that FIL would have to wear a suit because everyone at our wedding would be there to see him. (?!?!)
And that was only about a quarter of the issues that we had this weekend.
Oh my god that’s all horrifying. Also, what the hell is with people insisting on getting you food when you say you don’t want any?? I’ve encountered it several times in shitty kind of controlling people and I find it equally baffling and obnoxious.
Yup. Including bringing me a bowl of ice cream when I said “No thank you, I will just try a bite of (fiance’s).”
Uuuurrrggg in-laws!!! My MIL just stayed for a week as well! WHY SO LONG? It was terrible! Although not as bad as the visit prior to this one, where she got sick and threw up everywhere and then cried a lot.
D:
My mother-in-law (to be) is not terrible, but a WEEK with her would make me INSANE. She likes guilt trips a lot, but you can’t actually make her happy. She will say things like “I wish you would come visit for longer!” and I used to feel anxious that we weren’t visiting for long enough but then I realized that she doesn’t actually want those things and if I did call her up and say “get the guest room ready we’re coming for 3 weeks!” she would be very unhappy.
Yeah, they’re not awful people, but a WEEK! SO LONG!!! And frankly if you want grandkids so bad, invading our home for a week will not help that process!!!
The phrase “give us a grandchild” gives me hives. * shudders *
My MIL introduces people by selecting the one thing they are probably most self conscious about. Like, “This is x, and she was just laid off!” Or, “This is Firstname – I don’t even know WHAT your last name is these days – it’s changed quite a few times, hasn’t it?” At this point in time, every time she does something like that, I leave the conversation immediately. Thank god she hasn’t latched on to my reproductive status yet but I think she knows I might set her on fire with my mind if she were to try. Really trying to cultivate in her a general sense of distant awe as she tends to behave better towards me the more fearful she is. And she will never ever ever ever ever stay in my house for more than 2 hours at a time, 4 times a year max. Is the other thing.
I recently realized that my mom does the douchey Pick Up Artist technique of negging constantly. Constantly. About seriously *everything*. It’s been a big revelation for me and frankly, I can’t stop thinking about it. It kind of helps to gain emotional distance from her, though. Like she’s an emotionally abusive ex-husband that I’ve moved beyond but have to be polite around for the children (her grand kids). Does that make sense?
Oh, man, it makes perfect sense. It’s that same weird power play thing, for sure. Why would a person want to live like that, though?! Why don’t you care that people actively dread seeing you! Why can’t you see that they dread seeing you?! Unanswerable questions. The only thing to do is remove yourself from the line of fire, really, which it sounds like you’re doing.
I’m not married, but the Burgomaster’s folks visited last week and his dad tried a line similar to that. The Burgomaster said “You know Manka can’t actually have children, right?” and I followed up with “Even if I wanted to, which I don’t, my health wouldn’t allow it.” And then we both gave Very Serious Faces and that shut him up about that for hopefully at least the next couple visits.
I’m in the position of having tried but having a body that is not cooperating in spectacular and heart breaking ways. MOSTLY people are too scared to bring it up at this point in time, but Aunt-in-Law asked me if we moved into a bigger place because we needed more room, wink-wink, nudge-nudge. I REALLY wanted to say, nah, we like having a big empty apartment JUST LIKE MY WOMB but it was not the time or place.
Ugh. I’m sorry.
Myself, I am a fan of Embarrassment as Learning Tool. I understand not everyone is comfortable with this policy, though.
I LOVE it in theory – and truly truly love your execution of it, above – but so many times it requires more engagement than I’m up for, plus it requires your core audience has the ability to feel shame, which is… in question.
Good. Point.
(*sigh*) My MIL is a well-meaning person but can be a bit much, with the best POSSIBLE broad-minded, liberal, do-gooder intentions in her heart so it’s hard to call her on it. She’s given up her dreams of us popping out a grandkid or three, but during her campaign she gave me a FERTILITY DOLL for my Christmas gift one year (horrific-ly inappropriate gift under any circumstances, but especially mortifying for me to open in front of relatives on DH’s side whom I’d never met). She also bought a shelf full of children’s books featuring biracial kids, since I’m African American and DH is white and she wanted to be READY to EDUMACATE the little one(s) about racial issues. It could be a lot worse, like having a Klan member for an in-law, but in its own way the earnestness of it all was smothering.
Oh god the postman is dragging the mail sacks full of books in cardboard envelopes along the wet pavement. Why are you doing this to me, postman?
Did anyone see the Perseids? I was going to head out of town tonight, we were thinking maybe revisiting the Bong Recreation Area (yes, I’m STILL giggling typing that and it has been nigh on 13 years since I first saw the sign for it on I-94) campground but now it’s all gray & cloudy. Maybe tomorrow!
I got into a Clueless vs. Mean Girls discussion on the facebooks and this morning I had the literal shower thought: “Clueless : Mean Girls :: Parks & Rec : 30 Rock.” No one jumped on that thread of conversation on the facebooks, but as with all shower thoughts I can’t stop thinking about how perfect it is. Do Cher/Tai/Travis not have such a Leslie/April/Andy dynamic?
No. 😛 I even stayed up on Wednesday to try and see them, but I guess around here they weren’t really going. And yesterday there was a Giant Thunderstorm all night so I didn’t bother.
boooo! I thought about just driving out of town in the middle of the night, but Chicago is a big town to drive out of. So I gotta have something else fun lined up in case the meteors don’t show.
I think it was just them being in the wrong place? Like, when they’re really going properly it’s morning here, and at night here they’re not really going yet.
I unabashedly love both Clueless and Parks and I feel like I should love 30 Rock and Mean Girls but I kind of don’t. I actually really like your comparison and the more I think about it the more it totally works!
I feel like it comes down to one loves its characters and wants good things for them – even the jerks! – and the other likes its characters but mostly wants you to laugh at them.
but also the role of the protagonist: Cher is a total Leslie do-gooder, whether her friends want her to or not! I feel like both 30 Rock and Mean Girls have this protagonist who’s a sole island of sanity in a sea of chaos.
Yesss, I’m just not here for mocking idiosyncracies and feeling good about your perceived superiority the way 30 Rock and Mean Girls seem to advocate.
we were thinking maybe revisiting the Bong Recreation Area
BRB, adding this to my List of Road Trip Destinations.
Tina Fey did make both Mean Girls and 30 Rock, so that makes a ton of sense.
And Paul Rudd is in both Clueless and Parks & Rec!
AND LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME!
I like this comparison! And I can pretty much always watch Parks and Rec/Clueless, whereas if I’m already feeling grouchy and disgruntled, sometimes Mean Girls and 30 Rock just make me feel ugh.
Toasties, I have been contacted to be interviewed for our local NPR affiliate about what PhD students are planning to do after graduation and what we think the job market is like for us! I’m super nervous, but excited! Anyone been interviewed for something like this before and have any tips?
Also, FANFIC THREAD. It’s been a light week for me, fanfic wise, but I have time to catch up this weekend, so BRING US YOUR RECS
I had never finished a work of fanfic before, because I never found anything I liked, but then a friend recommended this to me (Miss Fisher Murder Mysteries fic) and ruined me for fanfic forever because it’s better than 99% of traditionally published fiction: http://archiveofourown.org/works/3198410/chapters…
But I’m willing to be proven wrong.
Miss Fisher’s and well written? I’ll definitely be bookmarking that for a read this weekend.
It’s sooooooo goood.
Insanely well-written, incredibly researched (the anon writer apparently just finished a Ph.D. on the time period – there’s a companion meta that explains most of the references, which is fascinating even if you know a lot of it), and it really gets into their heads. It’s like Virginia Woolf and Dorothy L. Sayers had a magical fanfic-writing baby.
And it’s very, very hot.
Oh I adore things that are actually well researched!
If you love great writing, research, and sexytimes, this will be catnip for you.
omg *click* I love miss fisher – it’s so charming.
OH OH OH ME I FOUND A THING AND EMAILED IT TO MYSELF SO I COULD SHARE.
I found a MCU fic that points out that in Winter Soldier, they should have gone to a LIBRARY instead of THE MALL. Modern Careers in the Information Sciences (and Other White Lies)
That was WONDERFUL.
Woo! Congratulations on the interview! How exciting!
If any of y’all are still reading Arthur/Eames, this was a great story that I stumbled across last week. It’s pretty brutal, and doesn’t at all glamorize a life of crime, but I thought the action sequences were brilliant and characterization was good (if kinda bleak at times).
I AM ALWAYS READING ARTHUR/EAMES!
With Tumblr being all a-flutter about Tom Hardy these days, I’m back into that pairing big-time. My absolute fave is the Chav!verse series (if by some miracle you haven’t read it). I love how it’s plausibly canon. The only thing that bugs me (100% about myself) in regards to Arthur/Eames is it’s the only pairing I read age discrepancy fic for and I’m so conflicted about that, but ugh it just works so well for the characters.
I went looking for some Jupiter/Caine D/s fic after re-watching Jupiter Ascending recently and found this: “”How to Train Your Angel-Wolf-Boyfriend”.
I’ve been reading this ridiculously fluffy Fury Road AU fic set in a pet shop: http://archiveofourown.org/works/4554561/chapters…
My initial feelings about Fury Road AUs: No, they will just be weird and fail to work due to the very specific setting of the films and its influence on the characters.
My feelings about them now: Yes, I will read all of them, ooh, is that one set in a florist’s? Must read.
While camping last weekend I read Middletown (http://archiveofourown.org/works/1926372/chapters/4158567), a modern day high school AU about Bucky and Steve (and various other MCU characters). Very fun and light, and I read it without ever thinking it was too long, which is rare for me, since I don’t usually have time to read longer fics.
Oh my goodness, have just gotten started with this. I don’t usually do high school AUs (or even college ones that much) but it is so good! thank you!! 🙂
A while back I read an Avengers AU fic called “Feed the Body, Nourish the Soul” in which everyone’s in the restaurant business and Steve Rogers is an unironic hipster with a food truck. Now there’s a sequel, in which someone makes a documentary about him and his food truck and he becomes internet famous overnight, and it made me very happy. (In no small part because I love food trucks.)
Congratulations! So exciting! You’re going to be great!
The first time I appeared on a podcast (which, I grant you, is a less big deal than being on NPR), I was a little nervous until I realized this was just a chance for me to rhapsodize about my pet subject without anyone rolling their eyes or trying to change the subject.
That sounds like a joke, but it’s true: They want to hear your expertise on the subject. Have any relevant facts/figures, quotes, website URLs, or key names jotted down for easy reference, and whatever else you say is going to be just right.
Mathematically inclined Toasties, I need your guidance.
I want to eventually take some math and science classes as I consider taking up nursing as a second career. Math has never been my strong subject, but when I get it and know what I’m doing, I had a lot of fun with it. And I know I need to train my brain to think mathematically, so does anyone have any pointers or maybe some resources to ease myself back into it?
Well, this certainly isn’t the fun option, but speed drills for arithmetic are one of the most useful things I do with the high school students I tutor. I find that a lot of my students have low math confidence not because they’re unable to follow what’s being taught, but because the prerequisite skills are rusty. For example: kids who hate factoring are usually just stumbling over their multiplication skills.
Even if you *know* things like multiplication tables up to 12, a set of flash cards to increase your speed might pay off
Khan Academy is great, in my experience. I’ve mostly used it to supplement classes in college, so I’m not sure how well it stands on its own, but it’s free, so it’s worth checking out!
Also, browsing just now, I noticed they have a recreational math segment, which might be what you’re talking about with training your brain to think mathematically?
I used Khan Academy to re-teach myself Precalc (after 10 years!) before going into a college-level Calculus class– I’m contemplating a similar career change! It was really, really helpful.
I also made a game out of finding things in my life I could solve with math. Whether it was scaling down 6-serving recipes to serve 2 people (cross-multiplying fractions!) or figuring out the likelihood that somebody on my floor was the notorious elevator farter (probability!), just thinking up the problems– not even solving them, necessarily, got me thinking in a mathy way. Logic puzzles are also great for this!
If you want to get better and moving numbers around, Khan Academy is probably your best bet.
If you want to train your brain to think more mathematically (ie- be able to turn on a switch and move into a more careful, precise, “A then B then C, wait, but is A really true?” kind of brain mode), then I’d suggest logic. There are plenty of books that pretty easily expose you to some basic logic problems in ways that are FUN, and is probably easier to convince yourself to get into and keep at than just doing a bunch of solving for x in your free time, which, I mean, I find that fun, but most people don’t immediately find that fun. I find.
The best math classes I ever took in terms of getting me to actually know what I was doing — by which I mean, like, going beyond “Here are the steps to [multiply two two-digit numbers together, factor a quadratic equation, whatever]” to “… and here is why that works” — were actually education classes. The type of classes you take if you want to be an elementary-school teacher but you’re not sure you remember how to explain long division, basically. I don’t know how useful that actually is, but it might be something to consider — your local community college might offer a class like that for fairly cheap, or you could get a used copy of the textbook/workbook from a similar class and use that as a resource? (This is the textbook my classes used, and there’s a link on that page to the workbook as well.)
(Edit: I want to clarify that, while I’m linking to elementary-level stuff, you can of course find similar classes at higher levels. But I found the elementary ones really helpful even as a person who was always “good at math” — my own grade-school education had been really procedurally focused, and developing an actual conceptual understanding of even basic-level stuff like Multiplication: How Does It Work, Actually? made higher-level problems make more sense to me.)
This is going to sound like hyperbole, but I’m 100% serious.
If I were teaching a single math class to a “non-math person,” and my goal was that they learn the lingua franca of math and how to think mathematically — basically, enough so that they could sit in on any college-level math class and be able to say “oh, I recognize this terminology and these methods, I understand the basics of what they’re talking about, and I could learn this particular thing easily” — I would teach it with this book.
http://www.amazon.com/Math-Without-Tears-Roy-Hart…
This book is brilliant and insane. It :
1. teaches coordinate systems, exponents, logarithms, trigonometry, basic calculus, imaginary numbers, and quite a lot more
2. in a super nontraditional way (imaginary numbers show up in chapter 1!) and with very accessible language
3. requiring absolutely no prerequisites beyond basic arithmetic
4. and without problem sets of any sort (the author explicitly says “life is too short for problem sets — go get a cup of tea instead”)
I wish I had this book in high school. It would have countered all the repetitive, unconvincing, detached teaching that made me hate the dull drudgery I thought math was all about. There are chapters in this book that I still read and say “why didn’t they teach it -this- way? This is how you understand it.”
Also, you can get a used copy for less than $5 including shipping, so dang.
Oooh, that sounds great!
I’m convinced a lot of students’ math problems are teachers who seem to buy in that some kids can do math and some kids can’t, so they have a “well, what can I do” attitude. At least, I’ve had teachers like that.
I agree. It strikes me as ridiculous that it’s acceptable say “oh, Jane just isn’t a math person” (or worse yet, for Jane to self-identify that way) while it’s rightly unthinkable to say “oh, Jane just isn’t a reader.”
Actually, considering how poorly we teach math in general, maybe it’s not that ridiculous. But as a former math-hater in high school and an eventual math degree-holder post-college, I have many thoughts about that.
I hope you enjoy Hartkopf’s book, and end up developing a taste for math because of it.
The funny thing is, teaching myself to draw is what made me realize that maybe I can go back to math. I also believed that art is a thing one can or cannot do until I read “Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain” and saw how much I improved with practice.
I think art education is a little better at reaching out to kids than math, but I also think those two skills can seem mystical to a lot of people.
Now that I think about it more, you might also enjoy Polya’s classic “How to Solve It.”
http://www.amazon.com/How-Solve-It-Mathematical-P…
It’s not going to teach you math per se like Hartkopf will, but it will teach you a bunch of lightweight techniques for thinking about things like math problems. It’s a bit like how “Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain” presents a set of simple drafting and perception techniques to build your art skills to the point that you start thinking like an artist. Once you have a couple of these tools at your disposal, it really makes the work of thinking in math (and in most of the sciences) a lot easier and more pleasurable.
Thanks to everyone for the great suggestions! I have some brain training to do!
There’s sooo much of “being good/bad at math” that has nothing to do with your actual logic skills. If you do your boring rote learning, you free up brain space to think about the actually difficult stuff. A carpenter needs to know how to hammer in a nail straight so that they can actually build stuff without being slowed down by having to pull out and re-hammer nails every time, and a math person needs to know their multiplication tables and the rules of priorities and stuff so that they can actually concentrate on learning the math.
Math is an art, but also a craft! If you practice your craft skills, the art will come. And even if the art doesn’t speak to you, at least you’ll be a hell of a craftsperson. Again, like in carpentry, it’s possible to learn how to build a sturdy chair even if it’s kind of rough and you can’t make it pretty. Everyone can become “good enough” at math, just like with everything else.
I’ve also found great comfort in Lockhart’s Lament. It’s a 25 page essay on the beauty of math by a math professor who left academia to teach high school and was horrified with the state of math education. There’s a link to the pdf at the bottom of this introduction: https://www.maa.org/external_archive/devlin/devli…
Math should be easy and simple and fun. It isn’t always, for me (or even mostly), because I haven’t done my boring math drills, so I stumble unnecessarily because of lack of fluency. But I love and cherish that beauty, and loving the art helps me understand and remember the math I have to learn in my health care field. For example, I need to understand probability, statistics and logic, because without those you can’t understand scientific evidence. The computer does the math for me, but if I don’t understand the normal distribution or what “false negative” means, the numbers become meaningless. I usually don’t feel anything when looking at paintings, but I shivered when I understood the simple beauty of the twin study.
I agree with what you’re saying. I just spent a huge portion of my life thinking that math just wasn’t for me, that I really need to remind myself that I can do. I just think of it as training because it’s easier for me to know I can do it.
I have a math learning disability and am going to be a pharmacist. The key is to love math in your own way (and in my case, double and triple check everything). I take twice as long to learn math as I do other subjects, but once I have learned it, I am comfortable using it.
Math is another language. If we don’t use it a lot, we lose it, just like we might lose Spanish or Mandarin. Go in expecting to have to re-learn the language. Be kind to yourself, look at youtube videos, and allow yourself more time to learn how to do it.
Nurse here. I know you are not looking for this response exactly, but in terms of getting the day to day job done I would primarily focus on fractions/(simple) algebra (i.e., if med x is reconstituted to 5mg/mL and you need to give 2mg, how many mL should you give) – that kind of thing.
Unsolicited opinion: My philosophy is that not every nurse is the same ‘kind’ of nurse – and thank goodness for that. I mean, some RNs are really good at the caring and sharing part of the job while others are really good at monitoring labs and meds (math stuff?). And although it would be ideal if we were all super good at everything, I think that situation is unlikely to happen. Yet, between all of us (with our different talents), everything will get done – and done well. Also, I perceive that different patients have different needs: some people need a really really good caring and sharing nurse to be with them (say on day shift) but need a really good science-oriented nurse (perhaps on night shift monitoring all the important science stuff while they are sleeping) or vice versa (that is, someone to explain the science really well to them during the day and someone to connect with during the long dark tea times of the soul at night). If we were all well-rounded yet mediocre at everything then maybe patient care would suffer. I myself am predominantly a caring and sharing nurse: I’m mediocre (yet safe) with science-oriented practice, and I am a-ok with that, as I trust that the nursing team can get everything done well. [Just my totally unsolicited two cents. Hope it’s ok; I just love talking about nursing/nursing identity].
All that said, go you for developing your math brain!! You’ve inspired me to look into it too.
I love talking about nursing too! And honestly, even for a Bachelor’s in Nursing, I think college algebra and a statistics class were all that were required. Full disclosure: I had to drop stats because I was for sure looking at a D and then take the easiest possible stats class at my university. But they even accepted that credit for my MSN so don’t get freaked out about too much maths! Also, nursing! Yay!
Please talk about nursing all you want!
I’m giving myself a few years to think about it. I want to get a First Responder certification in the meantime, but I can only do that once I get a more stable job.
Baking poll! I’m doing a technique week on my baking blog to go over “basic” techniques that nobody ever explains in their recipes. Think whipping egg whites, crumb coating, folding ingredients in, and so on. What techniques would be helpful for you, or would have been helpful when you started baking? Or what techniques would you just like to see someone swear about on the Internet?
I always struggled with how to know when you’re done cutting in butter for pastry–it’s kind of a poetic zone, that whole resembling crumbs thing, but if you go too long it gets ruined and too short and you have a bowl of dust. Any easy hacks or a pastry mnemonic would be great.
This is something I’m still working on, but I can focus in on it to try and have an answer! Thanks!
Seconded! A recipe will say “…until the size of peas” but there will always be like 10% grape sized chunks, do you leave it at that or risk turning the other 90% into dust?
Kneading.
I’m not kidding, I’ve lived my whole life thinking kneading was easy and straightforward, but the other day I got a hankering for hand-made brioche and started looking up ways to make it sans stand mixer & went down a rabbit hole on baking forums. Apparently there are tons of different schools of thought on kneading? And people sell videos on how to knead? And here I’ve been, thinking kneading just involves pushing dough around a bit until it comes together.
KNEADING. GOOD LORD.
That will be the swearingest blog post ever.
AGREED GOOD GRIEF
There’s a special way to do it??? I always just fold it in half, push it in on itself, quarter turn, and repeat for like 5 minutes?
I always do it in the food processor, but that’s because I’m lazy
Kneading is really something you need to see to understand. Paul Hollywood is pretty good at showing it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tp5H87Su1jE
Ooh, creaming. Photos of what properly creamed fat/sugar look like would have been useful to me when I first started!
That one, I can do! Thanks!
creaming butter and sugar till they get “lemon colored”. Really. That took me forever to understand how to get right.
Good idea, thanks!
Jinx!
Frosting the !#%*)!& sides of a cake. Also guidelines for understanding/accepting the risks of how long baked goods (especially tarts & pies) can be made before serving–cookbooks always say “this tart that took four hours to make should be eaten the day it’s made,” but how many of us live that life?
Yesssss I saw someone frost a cake once on a fancy lazy Susan at a bakery and I was like, “…oh, OH, that’s why they can do that and I can’t!” but then some people achieve it at home, so.
I use a lazy susan I got at Ikea for about $6 to frost cakes at home.
(full confession: I used to be a professional baker and went to pastry school)
I have a cake turntable that was… $12? I think? Worth it for me, since I make so many cakes, but maybe not for everybody. Also having a really long spatula helps a lot.
Whipping egg whites, absolutely. And then folding things into said egg whites without destroying everything. It took me YEARS to figure this out.
Separating eggs maybe? I say this because once I saw someone separate an egg by just holding the yolk in their hands. Effective yet . . . messy.
This is how I separate eggs 99% of the time.
I must admit, it does have a certain gooey appeal.
Same, I find it really …. satisfying, to feel the gloopy white gloop out from between my fingers.
Yes! It is weirdly satisfying.
Pie crust and “overworking the dough.” I have never made pie dough because of that warning. How do you know if you are overworking the dough, can it be saved if you do … . And I can never get the cutting the butter into the dough right. If I’m such a desperate and oblong baker, maybe I should quit while I’m ahead?
Also, my grandmother used “sweet dough” for some pies, like lemon meringue and banana cream, and she said it wasn’t as flakey and had more sugar. So, what does she mean by sweet dough? Can you read her mind from beyond the grave, or is it an actual THING?
It’s probably a shortcrust pastry.
And then you just add sugar to make it sweet? Ah, okay. Sweetcrust.
I believe it’s a different type of pastry altogether. It’s sweeter and denser and less flaky than a pie crust.
Yes, that’s what my grandmother said. I was looking at Wikipedia about the shortcrust, when I prolly shoulda looked at baking sites.
My grandmother was a trained pastry chef, so I always think there’s complex technique and mystery involved; so I’m probably making a mountain out of a molehill, as I tend to do when it comes to learning new baking stuff. Something is supposed to take an hour and a half — well times that by 5 and that’s how long it will actually take me. My daughter concurs on this, btw.
testing for doneness. Everything I make is overbaked or underbaked.
How about blind baking pie crust? My crust always shrinks no matter what I do. 🙁
Blind baking is the bane of my existence .
Making a glaze? I tried to make one for a lemon drizzle cake last week but the recipe I used was bullshit. Teach me your ways!
I’d say dispelling the idea that creaming butter and sugar together results in something “light and fluffy”. Whipped cream is light and fluffy. Whipped egg whites are light and fluffy. I’ve baked hundreds of things and I don’t think I’ve ever once thought “this butter and sugar looks light and fluffy”. I don’t know why this is the phrase that gets used in all the recipes, but I imagine it might be confusing to someone who isn’t sure what they’re looking for when they mix the two.
The different stages of egg white whipped-ness! Foamy/soft peaks/stiff/hard peaks/etc. I’m a pretty competent baker but I still squint at my egg whites and hope I hit the right stage.
seconded!
Kneading dough. Knowing when the dough is at the stage the recipe calls for (pictures, basically). Why weight is better than volume measurements. I never know if it’s really supposed to be as wet/dry/sticky/crumbly as what I’ve done to the poor goo in my hands.
I’ve found bread to be generally forgiving, but some basic primer on the differences between various flours, wheat germ, etc that explained the texture/other results of various ingredients would have helped me immensely. still somewhat fuzzy on the chemistry, and I’ve never made wheat bread dense enough to satisfy me.
Also knowing that you can just whack cold butter on the counter a bit if the recipe calls for room temperature–this is the only physics I regularly and deliberately apply. Shortcuts are good!
Whaaaa? The butter-whacking? THIS IS NEWS.
Explain about the butter whacking please!
ha this changed my life. My father is an engineer + amateur baker, so I deserve zero credit for this tip.
But essentially you can quickly heat up a stick of butter by slamming it on the counter, or hitting it with your palm/meat mallet/weapon of choice. kinetic energy –> heat. It takes me about 4 whacks to get something suitable for cookies/creaming with sugar, and all the banging is very satisfying.
An excuse to punch things! Excellent!
LIFE: CHANGED
I put it in plastic wrap (loosely) and whack at it with a rolling pin. It’s great for the butter block for laminated dough!
I don’t need warmed butter for any reason but I’m going to do this as soon as I get home.
My mom taught me this when I was a young’un learning how to make snickerdoodles! She always used a rolling pin to “whack” the butter.
What. Pls explain your witchcraft.
oh my god so I can stop carrying around cold butter sticks in my boobs to warm them??
Yeast/bread rising stuff. Just, uuugh, I can never get it to work out it’s like my kitchen is always too hot or too cold so I let it rise too long or not long enough and it’s a mess.
Or melting chocolate. 90% of the time it’s fine, but 10% of the time it goes weird and dry. I read that it’s caused by water getting into the chocolate, but…I think I’m careful and it still happens?
Chocolate can seize if you get water in it, but also if you overheat it. Double boiler (which shouldn’t actually boil) or 30 sec bursts in the microwave, stirring between, until it’s almost melted, then stir it until totally melted
Melting WHITE chocolate
Oh and “folding” something “into” something…
Wait what’s your blog?
sweetdamnation.wordpress.com
It’s kind of NSFW because of all the swearing, if that is relevant for you!
Sifting flour! How do you do it? Do you need a sifter? What is a sifter? Do I need to sift every time I need to use flour? What is flour
Usually for flour you can get away with whisking it in the canister/bag before measuring, but if you’re sifting things together (or using cocoa powder or powdered sugar) I like one of these: http://www.amazon.com/Winco-MS3A-8D-Strainer-Doub…
Toasts, I’ve moved! The new apartment is still full of boxes and I will be unpacking until approximately forever, but at least I’ve got the kitchen finished, and over the weekend I’m going to start hanging pictures on the walls and maybe tackling unpacking my books. So that’s a huge relief. And I’m right near a lovely park, and I found a neighborhood brewpub where you can sit at a big window and look out at said park while you have a burger and a pint. Also next week I’m escaping the broiler that is NYC in August and spending a few days in Vermont.
Solidarity to all of you who are also moving, or have just moved. This too shall pass.
Oh, that brewpub sounds perfect! Congratulations on having all your stuff in the place where you live!
Thank you for the solidarity! I’ve been using the calming exercise that I learned from Bad Boys 2 to power through this process:
And I’m looking forward though to the day that I am looking back on this whole thing from a lovely neighborhood brew pub; I will raise a pint to all the movers still out there schlepping boxes and chasing leads on appartments.
I just moved about two and a half weeks ago and have been (slowly but surely) unpacking, and it’s actually almost kinda starting to look almost kinda like a place that real functional people almost kinda live. So that’s pretty exciting. (There might still be a couple large bins of clothing and a couple bins of god-knows-what and some scattered piles of “I’ll figure that nonsense out later” . . . And a bunch of Legos and action figures to find space for.)
But it’s getting there. (And we basically started with hanging art and shelving books too, which seems like it worked out.)
(Two English majors’ worth of books combined with two people with a weakness for odd wall art. Art and books make up a disproportionate amount of what we own.)
Moving solidarity! My partner and I are at the tetris stage – we can’t put everything away become some things still need to be bought but maybe we can put things away around that space where that thing will go? But then do we need to purchase something else to make that work??
I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE COMFORTABLE FUTURE.
My apartment is currently a bomb zone, and I’m moving next weekend. Solidarity is much appreciated 🙂
Congratulations!
I’m currently taking a break from unloading stuff. *Raises imaginary wine glass*
I’m not big looking forward to living somewhere without many basic amenities (for the time being) or much room for stuff like books (ever :((( ), but it’ll be a relief to be able to stay in one place indefinitely!
Congrats! Next Wednesday for me and the two cats currently living on top of a mountain of packed books. . .
I’m about to leave for a job interview wish me luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good luck! You’ll ace it.
I will sing you the cheer of my Dad:
Ra ra ree! Kick ’em in the knee!
Ra ra rass! Kick ’em in the… other knee!
You can do it!
That is totally my dad’s cheer as well. Oh Dads…
Ahahaha, that’s such a Dad cheer.
Good luck out there! You got this!
Good luck!
Good luck! You’ll totally rock it!
Good luck!
Wishing you grace, calm, dignity and that you can answer with confidence all the unexpected questions!! Such good luck!!
Best of luck!
LUCK!!!!!! Kick some butt!
I’M BACK!! Thank you for the luck!! I think it went well, but either way, they said they have a pretty quick timeline and I should know soon.
My sister is getting married tomorrow! And then on Sunday we are going to see Jaws on the seafront, they are putting a big screen up on the beach and that will be brilliant. So a good weekend should be forthcoming.
Happy Friday, Toasts! I stumbled across a website the day before yesterday, and I still want to shout about it from the rooftops. For example, here’s this awesome interview: http://www.mashupamericans.com/food/na-young-ma-s…
In other news, the Visa process continues to be a whirlwind of suck, so I’d love a distraction. Anybody got any good recipe blog recommendations?
Or Briticisms! I just learned that hob = stove. Anyone else got any good ones? I’m already ready for pants =/= jeans. Well, I hope I am ready to never say pants again in polite company.
I am really into food52.com and thekitchn.com right now. Goo luck on the Visa!
Thanks! Food52 is new to me, and all those pictures are so beautiful! Maybe a tomato pizza would be soothing tonight.
Good luck with the visa. Ours has now approved (yay) and there’s a new visa in the passport and all. Hooray!
Crossing my fingers for you.
Have any Toasties been to One Young World?
I’m in a position where I might be able to convince my company to send me, but I need to put in an application first and I’m really struggling. There’s about 5 questions that you have to write an answer for and it needs to be at least 1000 characters each, I tried once and managed to get something down for each question by I got no where near the character limit.
I really want to go because it would be an awesome experience; but the application is all about how you’ve made a positive impact on your community and showed leadership, and I never did any of that stuff as a youth for various reasons. I’m 23 now and I’m only just in a position where I can donate to charity and think about where I would like to volunteer.
So halp?
This is the weekend my ex is moving out! Hurray, huzzah! It’s been four months of awkwardness and frustration. Could have been much, much worse, but still. It’s almost over! I’m planning to fill my weekend with long drives to the mountains and hikes and getting caught up on my fanfic and drinking all the wine and eating fancy cheeses, maybe? I’m so excited I can’t even decide! And then Monday my friend is coming to do a sage smudge on the whole place. I’m like at quivery-puppy levels of excitement.
That is awesome. My spouse is out tonight so I have a meat-cooking, Netflix-watching evening ahead of me and I’m excited.
EAT ALL THE MEATS
When my ex moved out it felt like a nonstop 80’s catharsis movie with couch jumping and undie wearing and loud pop music. Enjoy.
Nice!! It’s been a loooooong transition for me – the ex mostly doesn’t sleep there anymore and only comes home to swap out clothes, etc. So there were definitely a few mornings early on, right after he started staying at his new lady’s place, where I was like, f it, I’ma sing loud in the shower and drink all the coffee and leave my dirty bacon pan on the stove. It was amazing.
A slow transition will not make it any less glorious to have him completely gone. It will be delightful. Please go totally feral this week for me in a celebration of solitude.
You have the gift. The Gift of Gifs.
Amazzziiiiiiinnnggg! It’s like christmas except you get less stuff instead of more!!
Yesss! The house is gonna be so light and airy. I am super looking forward to it.
I’ve been trying to convince my family that, instead of giving me any Christmas presents, they should take something away from my house (preferably from the horribly overstuffed basement). I think I’m going to enforce that this year!
Oh, hell. Shake some holy water about and set herbs ablaze like they’re going out of style. So glad for you.
Who else is glued to The Iliad live feed from The British Museum? I seriously considered going, but couldn’t afford the evening ticket so live stream it is!
http://almeida.co.uk/iliad-digital
And for meta-commentary the twitter feed is Glorious. https://twitter.com/IliadLive
I’ll be leaving work soon to go home and watch the evening show I hope!
Noooo this sounds amazing and I can’t watch it tonight! Do you think it will stay up for a while so I can watch it at my leisure?
Also obviously want to skip the endless catalogue of ships because who has the time.
They’re only just over half way (Hour 8 or 16). I think there will be podcasts later. I missed most of the beginning, in fact I came in just at the point where i had given up in the book
The catalogue of ships is my favorite thing in the Iliad, no lie.
Aeneas mention!!! They’ve really gotten to the good parts now, imo
SOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD
I’m going to be listening to this ALL DAY
One of my favorite things about the Iliad that I always forget is all the parts where they’re just bashing each other with rocks.
https://twitter.com/IliadLive/status/632227499607…
THIS PERSON IS MAKING ME SO HAPPY.
omggggggggg I’m dying
Anyone else catch Simon Callow? The funniest by miles (important when reading the Iliad because as was discussed this morning, it’s all a lot of wank isn’t it). He did accents for the dudes in the funeral games! The Scottish accent for Diomedes was my favorite.
I fell asleep just as Achilles was at the Trojan walls going after Hector! Im so annoyed at mysekd because I was so into it! I hope they leave the whole thing up so I can rewatch 🙁
Did you catch Ben Wishaw? I got surprised by him and actually squeed. He’s so bloody cute, even when he mesed up, although I couldn’t figure out if he was doing an accent or not
Spouse and I are having some issues right now, Toasties, and I need a hug and some excellent gifs.
I’m sure some of you remember the previous drama of That Wedding, and Those People are now creating Issues within our relationship as Spouse tries to remain friendly with these terrible people. It feels like this big lump of crap sitting in between us. Aside from how terrible the weekend of the wedding was, there’s this ongoing….Thing. Our sex life is basically nonexistent and I feel like I can’t fully trust Spouse, and he feels stressed out because he’s trying to constantly censor himself. On the other hand, I don’t want to be that person who tells him who he can and can’t be friends with, because then he’ll resent the hell out of me later. Spouse now says he is happy to do a slow fade on them so that we can repair our relationship, but I feel so terrible about that, and like it’ll come back to bite us later.
There’s so much background to this, too, and the above paragraph just doesn’t do the craziness justice, and I’m just so tired of it and want it to be OVER. Ugh.
I’m really sorry this is happening – it sounds incredibly stressful. I am sending you good vibes via internet.
That sounds terrible, and really stressful. Please vent here any time!
Here is a picture of a baby owl and a kitten napping together.
Aww man, I have thoughts on this but instead will just give you hugs, as someone who’s gone through the fracturing of friendship groups in the past, and the bad behavior that goes along with it. May you guys find some kind of resolution & trust in each other.
That has got to be the longest cuddle in baseball history, surely.
I have the whole weekend off work, which almost never happens! I am looking forward to a day out with two friends tomorrow, wherein we will visit Poe’s grave and eat crab and traipse around Baltimore, picking up my newly-repaired bike (I had to take it to a bike shop after all), and spending some time outside. I also have to clean, which is less fun, but it is in preparation for a long-awaited visit from two good friends who are shortly moving overseas, so even the cleaning is kind of exciting!
Happy to hear your bike is now repaired!
Peopllllle
Dating thread! Go for it!
As for me, wow. Two things:
1. I went on a date I was mentally psyching myself out over (I was desolately Whatsapping my friend as I waited for my date to arrive at our meeting point) and ended up having a really nice time. He seems smart, well-spoken, clever, and he brought up feminism during our conversation in a pretty organic and supportive way! Also, uh, I liked his smooches. We are just now making plans to meet up again on Monday. Cool.
2. I went on a last-minute hangout with my regular date. We had just had an exchange earlier in the day where I said I’d like notice if he expects we’ll be hanging out with his partner. Well, when we got to hanging out and were about to head back to his apartment for cider and beer, he found out his partner’s plans got cancelled so she was home. I understand unexpected changes like that, but I also could not feel comfortable with going ahead with the hang-out.
He suggested we go to a nearby bar, but he seemed too disappointed we wouldn’t enjoy cider and a balcony, so I was like, I’m not doing any of this. He took us to a quiet spot and asked me to talk to him. I was almost ready to continue hanging in the end — at THE BAR — but then he automatically assumed I was happy to go back to his place. No. I drew into myself again. We walked for a bit and then I said I needed to go home. And I did. (Then I live-tweeted the IKEA catalogue.)
I’m trying to figure out what bugged me so much about this, and I think it’s my feeling “I should get over this and be cool!” and also the niggling impression he cared more about our surroundings than my comfort, even though he said otherwise. Oh well.
Live-tweeting IKEA sounds hilarious and awesome.
Some things you just can’t “get over and be cool” with, even if you really really want to. I usually do better just accepting that stuff sooner. Yeah…no brilliant insights from me.
oooof. and also: ugh.
i think that “niggling impression” is right on the money — dude #2 seems to have very clearly cared more about his preferences and his surroundings than yours … or your comfort. or your very clearly defined boundaries and request for respect?
ugh.
sorry. i don’t mean to overstep. just … trust yourself. you’re not wrong.
any relationship that requires you to constantly second-guess what makes you comfortable/safe isn’t a fair partnership.
(BUT LIVE-TWEETING THE IKEA CATALOGUE IS 50 SHADES OF AMAZING.)
(THANK YOU)
“Then I live-tweeted the IKEA catalogue”
I enjoyed that immensely! (Still shaking my head over the utensil drawer that hangs over the couch, though).
I have no good dating advice, sadly.
I’m glad you enjoyed my silliness!
You have feelings for a reason! You very clearly expressed your boundaries. Dude was testing your boundaries and then acting disappointed when you reinforced them. A+ for you, a less stellar grade for him.
So I was reading this profile yesterday and I’m reading, I’m reading, and the dude seems like a good and interesting dude! And I keep reading and all the sudden it says “Copyright username 2015.” And then becomes straight up erotica. Like a a pretty substantial story that came with literally no warning (pun intended) and continued for paragraphs and paragraphs punctuated by “Copyright username 2015” ever so often. So no, dear toasties, I won’t be messaging him.
As if someone was going to steal his sad, dating site erotica?
Oh my goodness, I’ve seen a strange number of copyright notices — including one on a poem — and disclaimers that OKC shouldn’t steal their profiles, etc.
On #2, I am wondering if there’s some ineffective communication going on about that boundary. Or, rather, not necessarily the boundary itself, but the reasons behind the boundary.
I mean, if he thinks that simple notification is enough, then, well, he notified you, he thinks he’s done what you asked, why do you still have a problem? (or even if he gets that it’s a bit more complicated than that, he may still think that the WHY was fulfilled). But obviously whatever it is that made you articulate that boundary wasn’t addressed in this situation. Now, in an ideal world, he would have asked what was up, and talked it through with you if you were up for it in the moment, dropped it for the time being if you weren’t, and then circled back on it later when you’d both had a chance to sort things out, RATHER THAN the really annoying thing of pushing you in the moment….. But he didn’t.
So, I mean, do you know why that’s your boundary? There are lots of really understandable motivations for that boundary that I can think of pretty easily. But it might help to talk about (a) whats the basis behind this boundary (to work on the immediate problem) and (b) the ways in which you feel comfortable discussing changing boundaries (because it sounds like you didn’t have all that much fun on this one, and maybe some things went okay, like it seems like he realized something was going on and went somewhere better than a bar to talk, but then it sounds like you were still uncomfortable and didn’t really feel heard, which is less good).
And, I mean, sure, being able to enthusiastically hang out with his other partner with less notice probably is the sort of thing that will make your life nicer, long term. It’s probably something you want to work toward. Probably. But it’s not a “should”, and it’s not something you can force to happen, and if you try to force something like that, or have it happen in a way you’re not comfortable with, it’ll probably take longer, and that’s no good…..
Thank you for writing your thoughts! They will guide me in my thinking. I am also paying attention to the fact this feeling happened and thinking about how to talk about it.
I am straight-up trolling a rude OKC spermhose right now. It’s fun to make ragey dom dudes angry!
I’m not really dating, more like pursuing sex on tinder. It’s kind of exciting! I didn’t ever think I’d be so cavalier about it, but hooking up is fun!
I had a really good experience two weeks ago with a guy two years younger than me who was super complimentary and attentive.
Tomorrow, I’m going on a second “date” with a guy 8 years older than me, who was very endearing at our first date at a bar. We’re splitting a bottle of wine. I just got a brazilian wax for the first time during my lunch break today and it really didn’t hurt very much.
Fun!
*high-fives* You’re rocking it!
I’m doing this toooooo! I love it. None/less of the first three dates small talk, all of the best parts! I’ve only actually hooked up with one guy so far but I have another in the works. It’s revolutionized my Tinder life
I hope the yuckiness of #2 doesn’t spoil the good smooches of #1!
Yay for 1 and good for you for telling 2 what you wanted and needed to do.
I am so. done. with dudes and dating. FWB (not very good friend with sadly infrequent benefits who bailed on a date) hasn’t contacted me again since his non-apology, and I am fine with that.
OKC has been a wasteland. Activity in the last week or two has been:
1) guys in very distant places
2) Poly guys (not my thing, very clearly stated in profile)
3) Possible actual sex workers?
4) a dude with user name “ntyrbf” who visits my profile literally every other day and never, never messages me.
I am cancelling my A-list subscription before it auto-renews on Monday. I’m trying to decide if I should leave my profile live or shut it off.
A random guys tried really aggressively to pick me up when I was walking my dog after work on Wednesday. He was cute enough, but I looked in my heart and realized that I really did want to be at home with my dog, napping and then watching Netflix and knitting or spinning. I’ve been thinking about it since then, and right now I literally can’t imagine any dude more interesting than being at home by myself.
omg the OKC poly guys who message non-poly women. This week, this guy whose profile said he was “feminist/kinkpositive/poly” sent me daily messages even though I never responded because I am not poly or “kinkpositive”. After about four messages I responded politely, saying that I am not poly so this is not a good fit and can he leave me alone now? And he was nottttt happy with that. I eventually blocked & reported him. But yeah. Ugh.
“3) Possible actual sex workers?” made me laugh.
Is ntyrbf an old bf stalking you? Is that what is stands for? Not Your BF??? WAKE UP LADY
Well, yeah, it’s Not Your Boyfriend, but I don’t think he’s an ex. I think he’s a random. His profile is all about how he’s looking for “connection not commitment” so I think he’s basically just a horny dude looking for what he can get. Which won’t be me.
Oof, yes. Being able to mentally prepare to spend time with a partner’s partner is entirely reasonable, and so is being able to say no to it when it doesn’t feel right. It sucks to not feel heard.
The woman I am dating asked me to go away with her for a weekend sometime next month, so we are excitedly planning. I am so smitten with her, it is a lovely hopeful-every-time-I-get-a-text-notification, wake-up-and-go-to-bed-daydreamy, goofily-smiling-to-myself place to be. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen someone this regularly or seriously–we see each other about once a week and text in between (I’m used to seeing someone once every few weeks or less with minimal communication in between). And I like it. But it’s also new territory for me. I’ve dated people in poly relationships before (she’s married), but only super casually. And while I think of myself as poly-friendly (in that I will date people who are in open relationships) and have not been seeking anything exclusive, I’ve never had an ongoing partner while dating other people, I’ve mostly been dating people casually (who do sometimes overlap, but not in a way that ever really caused logistical or emotional complications, due to the casual nature of the dating). So. We shall see where this takes me.
Yesssssssssss. This is so exciting! I am excited for you. This sounds like a great adventure, wherever it takes you.
i’m here to say i totally feel you on #2. i don’t do well with sudden changes in social dynamic. it’s like when everyone plans to get together to go see a movie and you all meet up and suddenly now everyone’s going to a bar instead and you’re like, “WTF? those are two totally different things”. maybe this dude doesn’t get that. i have friends that don’t get it. they can just flip scripts and i’m like, “nope. it’s all weird now.”
so, i guess i don’t have any advice but you have my sympathy *awkward pat on shoulder*
🙂 Awkward pats on the shoulder always help me.
After Googling pelmeni, I’m now fully convinced that every single culture has its own version of the pierogi/dumpling. We are all one, united by our love of meats/cheeses encased by dough!
(I will take any opportunity to insert a Ben Wyatt gif)
Yes! Here’s one of my favorite articles about the international bonds formed by love of meat/cheese dough pockets: http://www.cornishpastyassociation.co.uk/2011/11/…
You had me at Pasty Museum
Yes, but CLEARLY the Ukrainian version is the best 😉
This is merely a subset of the universal cuisine of Stuff in Crust. They’re just boiled rather than baked.
GYM PR THREAD!
I’m still on my Texas method squat program that has me test for a new 5RM every Saturday. I’m on week 9. This week I got a new 5RM back squat that is 4kg over what was my 1RM before starting this program! Feels so great! This weekend I’m supposed to go for 3kg more… even if I only get a single rep, I will be so pleased with myself. After 2 years of lifting, it feels so good to be getting gains at this rate.
I also PRed my “Nancy” (a Crossfit workout) by about 30 seconds. I’ve hardly been doing cardio while on this squat program so its nice to learn that I haven’t lost much of it!
I just added weights to my lunges and OMG. MY BUTT. MY LEGS. THEY ARE ON FIRE.
But I feel super good about adding weight on though! I’m just getting into going to the gym and lifting weights regularly and find myself perpetually astonished that I don’t mind it . . . nay, even like it!
Feeling stronger and more powerful is addictive, in a good way 🙂 Congrats!
This week I got a new 5RM back squat that is 4kg over what was my 1RM before starting this program! Feels so great!
THIS IS THE BEST FEELING! Also, Texas method, woooo that’s a lot time. Good for you!
Dang, I did it to you this week. 🙁 I somehow missed your post and made another one! I’m a dummy, sorry!
Maybe in our hearts we know we need two
“this squat program” is cardio IMO, if you are setting PRs. Because squatting heavy for reps is no freaking joke.
TEEXXXAAAASSSS MEEETHOOOODDDD! Man, I love TM. I made some of my best gains on it. 🙂 Those Volume Day workouts tho. Whew!
Woohoo yay! It is not a PR for me, but I deadlifted 102 lbs yesterday and it felt great! Very nice to be back in triple digits after a hiatus.
Also had an awesome workout in general, making breakthroughs in my learning to clean and press (thanks wrists!) and also with my snatch.
Yay for triple digits!!
Also I feel like you guys might appreciate this semi-old (2011) era video of women olympic lifters. I recommend turning your sound on 🙂 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4M6GBHb-4o
Okay Toasts. I need messenger bag help.
My current bag is aesthetically ideal, but it is the third of its kind that I have had, and the straps for each one have eventually pulled out, after only ~2 years of use. I guess I carry too many books around?? Anyway the strap is currently held on by safety pins, and I keep stabbing myself on them. The situation must be resolved!
So, what do you all use? Does anyone know of a bag that looks exactly like this, but with like, booknerd-approved reinforcements in the strap?
OMG. I literally JUST BOUGHT THIS BAG. Which means I am incredibly unhelpful in finding another one with different straps. I hope mine hangs in there though, because I already love it so much!
It’s such a great company! And basically a perfect bag, except for this issue. A few years ago, when the second bag started to rip apart, I told them what was happening and they said it was a flaw in that one bag and they replaced it at no charge, which was so, so good of them.
Unfortunately I think their stuff is just not sturdy enough for me, for everyday/commuting use. I was thinking of contacting the company again, but it seems like really I need something different.
Huh, really? I have been using my Moop bag for … at least 5 years? And I stuff it all the way full including iPad and books and like everything I own. Maybe you could try a different model of Moop bag? I know they’re expensive though, which makes it hard to experiment with. :/
I have the Messenger #2 http://www.moopshop.com/collections/all/products/…
Like I said farther downthread, this has happened to every Moop bag I’ve had. I have the 2 now, and I think I’ve had 2 #3s although they’ve changed the styling slightly here and there so it’s hard to say. There may even be another one that I’m forgetting.
I think it’s all the walking/commuting on public transit in addition to the heavy load? I don’t know! I am super sad about the bag because it is so perfect in all other ways.
Yeah sorry for bagsplaining, I posted before reading the whole thread. I have a stupid public transit commute too but I don’t go in every day, and maybe that has extended my bag’s life. Good luck! If you find something else please let us know, because I am going to need to replace mine eventually (holes are appearing where it rubs on my belt) and it sounds like you and I have pretty much the exact same criteria.
Oh no problem!
Maybe I am a little defensive about my amazing ability to destroy expensive bags…
My spouse has had a Timbuk2 for a million years and it is going strong. They are expensive but really high-quality, and customizable designs.
I suspect I will have to choose between aesthetics and functionality, but I’m really hoping that I don’t have to compromise too much!
I don’t like timbuk2 because I don’t like sporty style bags, and I don’t like colors. I don’t like leather. I KNOW I AM IMPOSSIBLE.
I am beginning to think we have the same aesthetic tastes. Those were EXACTLY my requirements for a messenger bag that eventually led me to that Moop bag.
Well if nothing else I won’t feel as bad when I inevitably just buy the same bag again.
Maybe something like this? http://www.freitag.ch/Reference/Business-Bags/CAR… It’s expensive, but they tend to be strong and resilient as hell.
*whispers* it’s too shiny
I DID say I was impossible.
I have a Manhattan Portage bag that has held up well for several years now. It is not really that style though, more plain. It does look like they have sort of similar styles on their website though.
I have a texture aversion to that woven nylon they use for the straps in that style of bag.
You know, the material that apparently holds bags together in a sturdy, long-lasting, hard-wearing fashion. Dammit.
Fair enough! I have a texture aversion to velvet so I know how those go.
I have a friend who cannot touch peach fuzz. The struggle is real!
*shudders* Velvet is the worst.
Thank you! I am not alone! It feels like that sensation when your limbs start to fall asleep and go numb.
Wait, what is that bag you just wore out? I wants it!
Incidentally I just bought one! You can find the messenger bags in various sizes here:
http://www.moopshop.com/collections/messenger-bag…
It is a small, woman-owned business doing all handmade bags too, which is awesome.
Yay, thanks!
It’s messenger #1 from moopshop dot com! I actually think I have #2 now.
I have Thinkgeek’s Bag of Holding (in “dragonscale”) and their Handbag of Holding (in leather). I have not had them more than a year so I cannot comment on long-term life, but they do hold A LOT of things and are fairly durable. The Bag of Holding comes in an “executive” leather version: http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/16ad/
My bag of holding got holes in it after a year of carrying a laptop and books 🙁 But I may just be hard on bags?
I have one by Crumpler that I’ve had for a decade. It is made of a ballistic weave, and is basically indestructible. That said, it is sorta bulky.
Could you get it reinforced at a luggage repair place? They might be able to add structural support with leather or extra strapping. It might change the look a bit, but make it work better?
That is a really good idea! The one I have now may be too far gone but it sounds like the right thing to do with a new one. Thank you!
Yes–I would advise having them reinforce the upper side edge and insert a strong grommet, so that you could attach a luggage strap with metal snap hooks.
I have this bag, too! Years of use, and I never had the straps pull out, but never fully filled it. I wonder if you could do a special request, and ask for a thicker strap, and reinforcement? For laptop bags (which would take more weight), Tom Bihn and Timbuk2 are my favorites.
I thought it was a fluke at first, but it is definitely not. Daily use commuting on public transit (lots of stress on the straps), 3+ books at all times. 3/3 (and frankly, it might be 4/4, I don’t remember) of these bags have fallen apart the same way.
But yeah, talking to the company is a good idea!
I am evangelical about Roots bags because they are pretty much indestructable. I have one I’ve mistreated for years that still looks great, and my mother has a 15 year old one that is still going strong. They are pricey, though. They have a couple of similar bags, this one might be the closest to your picture although this one is more similar if you’re all right with brown instead of black. Just to warn you though, they are a little on the heavy side since the leather is really thick.
Ach god I’m the pickiest person in the world.
I would like to stay away from leather anyway, but the heaviness would be a deal breaker anyway.
And the brownness.
I’m the worst.
I love Sword and Plough bags! http://www.swordandplough.com/collections/frontpa…
Also woman-owned, and while there is some leather, it’s not a lot. They use old military fabric that would otherwise go to waste, so the bags are really durable, in my experience. My mom and I both have the signature tote (mine still looks like new after 2 years of near-daily use), and I got my Dad the dopp kit for his birthday last year.
I’m in the middle of apartment search mania and it’s all I can think about. I went to see a couple of places in my price range (“price range” is relative, this is the amount that I’ve decided to grit my teeth and accept because I’m living in DC without a car) and all of those places were either total dumps or would require an absurd commute. So now I’ve made peace with raising that price range, and I am pretty excited about a couple of places but super nervous that I won’t get them.
Also, I think my face is stuck like this >:( forever because of all the time I’ve spent looking through utter bullshit craigslist postings. Twelve pictures of the hallway but no good view of the kitchen! “Non-refundable deposits”! “Junior one bedrooms”!
Ugh. DC housing is the woooorst. Seriously, I despair of one day being able to buy a thing (likely a “junior one bedroom”) and there’s a house for sale in my neighborhood that’s just wee and adorable so I casually look it up and that bastard is basically half a mil. It’s 1400 square feet and right by the train tracks (elevated but still)!
Anyhow, have you tried padmapper to look at things? I like it because it’s a map aggregator that pulls in listings from CL and beyond.
I know right? I see adorable little houses all over the place and they all either cost a million dollars or have nine interns living in them. I feel like I’m going to be stuck in Soviet-style apartment complexes until i either hit the lottery or move to a different city.
I have apartment-hunted in DC before, so you have my utmost sympathy. But I found a great place eventually, even with the time limitations of having to move in time for a new job, and I know you will too! Good luck!
This but on the other coast. Every time I think I’m fed up with my current living situation and psych myself up for paying a lot more to improve it I find that moving would mean both paying more and not really improving anything. Boo hiss.
I am apartment-hunting in another city and the posts and accompanying photos flabbergast me. Like, it is NOT hard to take a half-decent photo of the bathroom, the bedroom, the living area, and any other main spaces. WHY DO YOU ONLY HAVE AN UPSIDE DOWN CLOSE-UP OF THE KITCHEN WINDOW and another of the hallway?!?!
Yes, who are the people who put these up? “Let’s see, I think the photo that best captures the feel of the place is this sideways one of the pantry. I especially like how it’s blurry and taken at night. Ok, that covers it, no more pictures.”
Also I’ve seen a surprising number that do not give any indication of where the place is, which I take to mean that the apartment is located under a bridge, next to a fireworks factory, 50 miles from here. What, do they expect me to call up the agent like “Hello, I am willing to live literally anywhere, and I was especially taken with the way that the lighting in this apartment obscures whether or not it’s in a basement.”
Depending on your work schedule, maybe you could consider Baltimore? There is a MARC train running every half hour from Penn station, which is decent area to stay in. And rents are much cheaper here.
The photos that appear on some adverts are amazing. How did anyone think they would help to sell a property? http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com/
Hi I just found a place in DC and it is the worse <3
Yes, this is utterly mind-consuming and makes me prey to Apartment-Therapy fantasies. What frightens me is that when my husband and I go look at places, we spend hours deciding how we could “make it work”. We actually spent a week deciding how we could “make it work” in a (cute) apartment with a bedroom too small to hold our bed. I am terrified one day I will wake up and find myself in possession of the deed to a place with “not technically a second bedroom” or “clever use of space” or to which I need to “bring an architect.”
If you aren’t already a member, you might join the DC Hairpinners Facebook group—I’ve seen a number of apartment/room listings pop up there recently. Good luck!
So, Toast, there has been a lot going on in my life. Sorry I haven’t been around as much.
.. I don’t have too much going on this weekend though. I think I’m going to try kayaking on a local lake though! Just to do something different. This past weekend, an epiphany came to me (based on spending a lot of time at a nursing home visiting relatives) that I’m not LIVING LIFE enough.
Most of my social life is online– but I’m going to change that soon. Although my best friend is planning to move to my current city, maybe, that’s still up in the air and I’ve been quite isolated for the past year or so. Honestly if it were not for the internet I’d be FRIENDLESS and ALONE. And obviously if I never get off the internet, things will stay that way. So, less internet. More outside time. More Meetup events.
Please let me know if you’ve attempted a shift into LIVING YOUR BEST LIFE recently and let me know how it went.
That’s pretty much what I’ve been trying to do. Less time for Toasting though, so hard to say whether this is my BEST LIFE, but it’s been going surprisingly well after several years of misery. I’ve got faith that you can make that shift, and don’t be hard on yourself if sometimes it feels overwhelming and you need to step back for a bit. This morning I had a big moment of ‘what have I got myself into?’ and feeling like I’ve bitten off more than I can chew while simultaneously feeling like I wasn’t doing well enough and should be doing more. It felt like my brain was doing somersaults trying to fuck things up. So yeah, it’s not always easy, but worth the effort I think.
Good luck with your kayaking!
Thanks fox! That’s a good point about taking it slow– I’ve been all “I must change my life immediately!” before and that rarely works. It’s good to hear other people are going through this too, and glad to hear you’re feeling better overall, despite those anxious moments.
I am also trying to step up my game to make some friends in the place I live. I have friendly acquaintances here but no one I would (yet) describe as a good friend. I’m following Captain Awkward’s advice in this post: http://captainawkward.com/2011/12/19/question-153…. I hope you are able to find some awesome people and events in your city!
(What city do you live in? Long shot, but worth a try.)
Thanks for the link- CA is the best. Best of luck to you, in your new city!
I live in Santa Barbara, and I’ve actually been here for a few years! Still working on the whole making friends post-college thing.
Hey, just wanted to say way to go!
Thank you friend! Needed a lil encouragement today.
Toast! I started a little blog to practice research/writing and explore my interests in fantasy lit, particularly its intersections with environmental history, postmodernism, and entomology. If that sounds fun and interesting to you, I’d love to hear your thoughts on content/presentation and just some people who appreciate reading it. I wanted to have more posts done before I shared it here, and while I want to blame that not happening on grad school, really it was just bad time management :/
http://erlkinggodswood.blogspot.com/
I’ve read partway through the first post and so far I’m fascinated! However, the color scheme bothers my eyes, so I’m having trouble focusing on the words.
That is a great point — I am definitely not pleased with the way it looks now but I don’t really have the design sensibilities to know what I want to do instead. In the meantime, I’ve switched to a neutral template in the interests of readability. Thanks for the feedback!
I really like the switch. I thought about offering design thoughts earlier, but…it seemed too form rather than function focused. (Or content focused.)
Hey everyone–I’ve been training for the 2015 Charlotte Bohn Charm City Strongwoman Memorial Contest. The Charm City Strongwoman contest was started by my lifting coach four years ago to raise money for colon cancer research and it’s the only annual Baltimore area Strongwo/man contest around. Her sister’s diagnosis of colon cancer is what precipitated the creation of the event, and unfortunately she passed away this past February.
I’ve set up a page to raise money for this cause, and I’d really appreciate it if you could donate (if you have the financial means to do so.) Many, many thanks to Nikki and GruntledDave, two Toasties who have already donated! The page can be found here.
Here’s a sweetass photo collage of me training with a 60lb keg. (The competition weight is 70lbs, so I’m still working my way up!)
GreenGrasses, thank you so much for your donation!!
In order to properly train for a Baltimore contest, that had better be a keg of NattyBoh.
It’s a keg of water… -_-;
You are so badass. Also damn that looks horrible and fun.
Thank you! Also it is both fun and horrible, my personal cues for this lift are:
-keep it close to your body
-don’t be afraid to smush your face!
D: D: D:
As a brewer who is trying to work up to this level of strength to hoist kegs and sacks of grain, I must say, you are my hero!
You can do it! We can do it!
[Once I get a 70lb keg down, I need to tackle lifting a 70lb sandbag from the ground to overhead at least once. I just need to do it once..]
I am pretty sure most of the ladies I lift with would kill you and steal those tights. Or maybe just ask you where you got them (depends on the lady). Where’d you get them?
I got them from the UnderArmour factory outlet! I don’t know if they’re available online, but they may want to try and look.
True! The whole outfit has inspired me to try and put together a lifting outfit reminiscent of The Phantom. (Step 1: steal husband’s purple singlet.)
If you punch me out with a skull ring, I quit
I promise not to punch anyone with a skull ring if y’all promise to refer to me as Ghost-Who-Lifts.
This is a done deal. For reals.
Maybe it’s the color scheme of the outfit, but you just became my Kate Bishop-Hawkeye headcanon. Good luck at your contest!
Wow, I’m so flattered to hear that. 😀 Thanks so much for the well wishes and the Hawkeye comparison!
Thanks so much to Emily Chapman for donating! <3 <3
Give me your advice for buying a mattress! I’ve never bought one. I don’t know where to go or what to look for but my poor old back says it’s time to suck it up and go shopping.
I was just at our State Fair, and they were selling mattresses there (?!?!?!). It seems like a weird way to mattress shop, but now that I’m thinking about it, if you can eat fried dough while laying down, then WHY NOT. So, ummm, yeah, that is undoubtedly the optimal mattress buying experience,
Pretty much the best thing to do is to go to stores and feel them. Go to several different stores too, since they all seem to have a different selection.
We ended up getting a super stiff spring / hybrid mattress thing as it was best for both our backs, so don’t feel like you are obligated to get the fanciest foam (expensive) whatever (even though they will want you to).
If you and/or a partner run hot, you may want to avoid memory foam type mattresse, they retain heat more than traditional spring mattresses.
Lie on all the mattresses in the shop in whatever position(s) you normally sleep in and don’t worry, the salespeople have seen it all. Try different kinds – I was surprised when the mattress that was The One turned out to be much softer than I thought I wanted, but your body will tell you.
Check the return policy before you buy – ideally there will be a period (anywhere from a month to a year) where you can exchange it for a new one as long as you’ve used a mattress pad to protect it.
Go firmer than you might like and then get a really nice memory foam or feather mattress topper. Soft beds get crappier and dentier much quicker. No pillow tops, it’s just asking for sag.
Seconding the no pillow top recommendation. Ugh. THE WORST.
Agreed! Also, I got a firmer mattress because I like to fall asleep on my stomach, forgetting that I don’t stay on my stomach through the whole night. I ended up buying a topper from IKEA, and now my bed’s perfect for all the positions I end up in. So, I guess what I’m saying is, err on the side of firmness. It’s easier to fix.
I’m curious about this too, because my mother bought me a nice mattress (at least, to all appearances???) in 2011 but as of 2013 it was already painful garbage. It was atop a platform bed, not a boxspring, but that’s pretty standard now. How do you pick a good ‘un that won’t go bad within three years?
platform beds are frequently not supportive enough, especially not for softer mattresses. A lot of the time you have to add extra slats or a board.
but I don’t waaaaant to haul it up the staaaaaairs
Are IKEA slats any better? I got the next step up from the cheapest because I’m worth it.
It’s mostly that a lot of platform beds don’t have a vertical center pole so the slats themselves sag. Or, there just aren’t enough slats so the mattress bends a little between them. My husband has this bullshit ikea platform bed that has like 5-6 slats. It’s not enough (I actually just hate it because the corners are too damn sharp). To be clear, I do not have a sexy bedframe. I have a cheap metal one that came free with my mattress and an ugly boxspring.
Or just blame your mother, that works often for me.
There’s a bunch of startups selling one-firmness-suits-most foam mattresses through the internet, which I’m kind of considering for my next mattress. They’re cheaper than the fancy mattresses in the mattress stores, and you can read reviews of specific models online, which you can’t really do for mattress store mattresses.
My current mattress is from IKEA. Theirs are even cheaper than the startup foam mattresses, I think, and you can can go to the store and try them out, but I’ve never been 100% in love with mine, so I’m not sure how strongly I can recommend that route.
I bought my current mattress (memory foam) for about $200 on Amazon. It isn’t the best mattress in the world, but it’s tons better than my previous $700 mattress from Sleepy’s.
I would avoid Sleepy’s at all costs. I would sleep on the bare floor–rusty nails, even!!–rather than get another mattress from Sleepy’s. I knew within a few weeks that that mattress was shit (banana bed), but they made it incredibly difficult to return it. The sales dude I bought it from (and who got a commission, I think?) told me it wasn’t his problem and I would have to speak to the Sleepy’s . . . overlords, or whatever, but when you try to reach them they make you listen to 1/2 an hour of the Sleepy’s jingle before letting you talk to a person. It took maybe 5 calls and 4 hours to get someone to agree to send me a replacement mattress, which also turned out to be shit–so I think it was just a shit mattress design, rather than the particular mattress they gave me being defective–and they refused to do anything about the second shit mattress. So I slept on it for 7 years before getting my current mattress, which isn’t the best but at least it doesn’t make my blood pressure go up thinking about it.
The place I’m looking at has a pretty good return policy, and lots of people have said nice things online about how they handle returns, so that’s one of the things I like about it. The same goes for the place that makes the mattress that sounds like it might suit me better, but that doesn’t ship to Canada.
I was recently at a Sleepy’s and the saleswoman was THE WORST, like making dire predictions about how the mattress I wanted would leave me mangled or something. Maybe my body/pain issues are weird, but I know what kind of mattress I need!
I’ve had really good luck with ikea mattresses. Mostly because I’ve moved 5 times in 5 years and being able to roll those things up is a lifesaver. Especially when you are moving 4 people’s beds. My ex always bought “firm” mattresses, but right before the divorce we bought a new mattress (foam core) from ikea and when I kicked him out a month later I went right out and bought their squishiest foam topper and I am a happy woman. My ikea beds have about a gazillion slats, though.
I bought a mattress off the internet without trying it out, and it’s been fine. I would not necessarily give this strategy a blanket (hahaha) recommendation but it can work if (a) you know basically what you want: springs/foam, soft/hard, whatever and (b) don’t have any health or mobility issues that would cause you to need something very specific.
Mostly I’m telling you this not because I think you should absolutely buy a mattress off the internet without trying it, but rather to reassure you that it’s all gonna be okay and this is nowhere near as fraught as it sometimes seems.
I bought a mattress this last president’s day weekend for the first time as an adult! I think the best thing I learned was that mattresses are like cars and they sell them like cars. They will TOTALLY go lower than the listed price because they just want to move stuff. Also- identical mattresses are sold at different stores/chains under different names! They do this so it’s harder to price-match versus other stores but also so you can be completely baffled, I assume.
I went to two places and ended up getting a very nice mattress for a very nice price. I’m sleeping like an angel over here.
I highly recommend the Original Mattress Factory, if you have one of those near you. They’re a lot less expensive and less high-pressure than most other places. The comfy mattress I got there is still my most treasured possession, lo these many years later.
Last time around I set a firm budget, found a place with good free delivery & removal (which in my case happened to be Sears) and went in and told the salesperson, I need a [size] mattress set and I do not want to spend more than $x. And then I spent the afternoon napping. At the end of it I gave them my credit card and spent a *lot* of money (but no more than my budget) and three days later a couple of guys carried in my new mattress and carried away my old one. Like some other commenters mentioned, comparison shopping is almost impossible, so I figured this was the way that would stress me out the least.
Yo Toasts! I got my British citizenship yesterday! Here I am, yukkin’ it up with my old friend, Bess. It’s been quite a journey (and an expensive one, I might add!), but it’s exciting and fun and weird to feel a new sense of civic duty for a place other than the US.
My birthday was on Sunday too, so this was an eventful week. In commemoration, I am just finishing up brewing a Black IPA, with American hops and English yeast. I hope it’s good!
omg Great Britain is lucky to have you!
Also you look amazing. Those are KILLER shoes.
Yes, my very first thought was “Wow, that dress is smokin!” My second thought was about how tasty that beer combo sounds.
The shoes are everything!
Ah, you’re so sweet, thanks! Ha yeah, I am pretty sure these heels could literally kill if I tried! They don’t get me very far, but they get me all het up with shoe excitement 🙂
P.S. plug for the dress, it’s from a cool little shop in Brighton, called Pretty Eccentric. The dress is the shop’s own brand, and lemme tell you, their stuff is pretty AF and they have an online shop, in case anyone is wondering. I have no affiliations with them, but they’re just great!
The shoes look good for kicking up one foot, just as you’ve done. They have fulfilled their greatest purpose.
Welcome to the club! Bottoms up, old chum!
Cheers! And a Toast, if you will!
Congratulations! Also, you seem to be channeling Peggy Carter in that pic, which seems appropriate!
I had to look her up and I will 100% accept that as an awesome compliment! Thanks!
Congrats – you look lovely and happy! Even QE2 looks happy you’ve joined her fair isle 🙂
Congratulations! I have been toying with the idea of going through with it myself – feels like it could be good insurance to have dual nationality, especially if the worst case scenario happens with all the anti-foreigner-sentiment flying around right now.
Also, your look is ON POINT.
Woo! Welcome to the exciting world of Being a UK Citizen. Sorry about the Conservatives.
Dee Dee Thread!
On today’s episode: BIG DRAMA
Long story short: last month I had a horse-savvy, young mother of three very interested in Dee Dee but when it came close to possession time, she suddenly had a change of heart and backed out. I was crushed but was pre-warned by a mutual acquaintance that she was “flaky” and c’est la vie.
SO…last week I noticed she was cruising various horsey FB sites looking for a horse and I was LIVID. Naturally, when she FB’d me yesterday wanting to know if Dee Dee was still available, I replied that I was aware of her horse trolling and to keep moving, sister (in the nicest possible way). She instantly shot back with “she was looking for her mother, her hay supply was questionable, blah blah blah” and has since ignored my apology, my single request for another convo re: Dee Dee AND has involved our mutual friend.
My first instinct? Eff her, I don’t quite trust her and frankly, I like Dee Dee and can see us together riding off into the sunset. Second instinct, and a far more realistic one: sell her to the best home I can find ASAP.
Sigh……horsey people are the best of times and the worst of times.
Horse people are mental. Horses attracted the serious crazies. Good luck!
No, I think your first instinct is right. Dee Dee has already had a slightly chaotic life, she deserves stability and non flakiness. Good luck!
Ride Dee Dee at a gallop away from this lady.
Ethy, Selma and Essy, THANK YOU for confirming my gut instincts! Sometimes my emotions can get carried away, especially when small children and animals are involved, and it’s good knowing that I’m capable of rational thought.
I promise to post a pic of plus size DD one day, I swear!
Sent from my iPad
A couple of my friends bought me tickets to Medieval Times as a belated birthday gift (because it’s always been my birthday dream), and it is WAY more fun that it should be. Also, the food was…kind of shockingly delicious.
What’s the best birthday present you’ve gotten?
!!!! I still can’t believe I haven’t been to Medieval Times. So my bag.
My best birthday present was from my ex … he took me to a wonderful multi-course dinner at a local French bistro. It was a gorgeous meal and every course was delicious, ending with a beautiful chocolate souffle. The sommelier was this incredibly knowledgeable woman, who when she heard we weren’t really wine drinkers but wanted to try something, knew the red wine to bring us. I loved her!
Yessss! Did you have a turkey leg? Did you condescend to some peasants? Or scoff at some nobles? That looks like so much fun! I’m kind of dying to go here: https://www.warwick-castle.com/ Maybe I can put it on my future birthday wishes list. They have “mediaeval glamping”.
OMG that sounds amazing! I’ve already said to my friends that my 40th birthday (I just turned 30) will definitely be a murder mystery weekend.
No turkey legs, but they did have half a roasted chicken that was delicious. And, of course, you had to eat with your hands.
My husband got me a burro’s tail plant, which I saw in a store and basically lost my mind over, because they have these crazy long draping succulent tendrils. I named her Cersei Lannister, because of course.
It is one of my life dreams to go to Medieval Times!! Did you get a pointy princess hat?!
Have you heard the TAL episode where Ira et al take a Medival history professor to dinner at Medieval Times? It is, my opinion, the best episode of the whole thing.
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/ep…
Medieval Times!! I went for the very first time earlier this summer, and it was SO MUCH FUN! Like a slightly nerdier professional wrestling match. I agree that the food was really good. I got to pet the falcon they have fly around the space. It was cool.
This made me smile so hard. I went once, as a surprise for my best long-distance friend’s birthday. It was so, so fun.
I think my best birthday present was the TARDIS garden shed my dad made for me. Sadly, after a few upstate New York winters, it is no more. And when I turned 30, you know, a thousand years ago, I took a trip to London. My mom got me a gift certificate to St. John and I ate roasted bone marrow and all sorts of other meaty goodness and it was spectacular.
New car tires.
…….. I’m not very imaginative anymore.
I LOVE MEDIEVAL TIMES. If anyone wants to go to the one in NJ, I will make the trek from Queens. It is such a good time and the food is tasty and it’s mandatory to eat with your hands. And usually at least one knight is Cute, which is clearly how I decide which one of them to support.
Ha, we actually made the trek to NJ from Queens! But my friend has a car so it was quite convenient.
The Green Knight was by far the CUTEST.
PAY ME ATTENTION I AM UPSIDE DOWN SINGING IN A BOX
An one of my flickr friends wanted to test out shipping costs and weights for their new etsy shop from the US, so sent me horror-movie cat quilts! Captain was not sharing.
It was a little cooler this weekend, so the kitties got to go outside on leashes while I pulled weeds in the yard. Oliver spent the whole time exploring and getting his leash wrapped around things:
Asa found a nice shady spot and just chilled.
HELLO IS THIS CAT THREAD?
Oh gosh those eyes!
that’s no cat that’s a bat-owl. a wingless, furry bat-owl.
Funny you should say so:
There was a bug in the apartment this morning. Now we are tired.
Poor worn-out mighty hunters.
this is NOT my cat but one I saw in a window while I was walking around yesterday
So casual
it was SO TINY I wanted to break in and steal it (although I don’t think Klaas-Jan would want a tiny interloper), eventually I had to move away from the window but man did I not want to
I am finally able to post my new kitties on the OT!
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Meet Sebastian & Triton: orphaned at 4 weeks old
This is Triton, who fell sleep in this position 2 minutes later
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And this is Seb, wondering why you’re not petting him
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I love them!!!
Oh GOD those are cute kittens.
So tiny! Those eyes!
I’m late to the thread but I finally learned how to embed photos and now I can introduce y’all to Saffron:
What a great name (for a beautiful cat)! Do you ever shorten it to Saffy?
Thanks 🙂
Sometimes, but more often I call her Ronnie and my husband will say her name with emphasis on the last syllable, so it sounds like Patrón. Other monikers include ickle Ronniekins, Sweetface, Princess and Stinky.
Lovely lovely. /living vicariously
Lovely girl! My Saffron mostly gets called Pudding.
Convoluted question, but I would love your thoughts. I recently reviewed a book about a woman who was a famous male athlete in her earlier life, then transitioned at around 60 after a surfing accident with head trauma at 52 seemed to jog loose new ideas about gender ID. She still talks about her life as Peter, uses his name, and not only acknowledges him as a separate part of her but brags about his accomplishments and womanizing. So I drafted the review to acknowledge that as meticulously as I could. My editor changed almost all the pronouns to “they” and added some qualifying/clarifying language which unfortunately makes the piece not just very clunky to read, but also IMO contrary to how the subject is represented in the book. I told him this and he did another round of edits, which actually added more vague language and further changed the impression of the book. In both cases I said “I stand by the draft I submitted for reasons x, y,z” but that it was OK with me to use this version because it may be that their style guide or a fear of knee-jerk accusations of “deadnaming” were making him squeamish…but it wouldn’t be true in this case, for this person. It seems like we’re in an in-between place where this kind of language use is concerned, with publications needing a set standard for the sake of clarity running up against what used to be a relatively simple binary but is now a cosmos full of planets, each of which has its own language and a desire to wage war on those who misuse it. Do any of you wise ones see a trend forming that will merge accuracy, fairness and kindness? That’s where I want to be working, but it’s very hard to get all three at once with multiple hands on a project. Oh, and <bit.ly/1lQQYJx> should take you there if you want to see it. I don’t know how to embed it.
I am an editor (though not of anything seen by the public) and what I would do is probably insert a note either at the beginning or the end of the review just saying Note: Pronouns and names used to refer to the subject of this review have been chosen in accordance with the subject’s own practices and expressed preferences. and then you don’t need to disclaim every time you do it and you also don’t need to resort to stylebook guidelines at the expense of accuracy.
I got similar advice while I was still trying for a working compromise on the review (which went live while I was still asking questions). In a previous review I was able to do something like that with full confidence because the author stated hir pronoun preferences in the press release, which *angels singing* made my end of things an absolute breeze. In this case the story is so shifty and nuanced, and Westerly thrives on the attention she gets for suggesting the whole thing may well be a giant publicity stunt, so an approach like that wouldn’t quite fly. I know it’s going to get easier over time, but phew.
Got home just in time for the Open Thread, yay!
And I’m here to talk about Far From the Madding Crowd. I finally finished the book on Monday, saw the movie on Tuesday (it only opened last month in my country) and now I have some ~thoughts~ on it. Somewhat incoherent thoughts and spoilers below.
There’s only so much you can show in two hours, but why would Boldwood’s background be among the things to cut out? His motivation for certain actions is barely visible. And an important part of the ending is, to me, that Gabriel *isn’t* leaving her because she doesn’t want him to, but in this adaptation, he just goes away – this doesn’t make any sense at all…
Not to mention the fact that throughout reading, I wanted Gabriel to just leave and find someone sensible and worthy of his love – which obviously says something about the way Bathsheba is written.
Hi Toasties! I’m a longtime lurker who finally decided to post a comment (it’s my last day in a summer lab [which I’m eager to leave for various reasons], so I’m not doing much today).
For those of you familiar with the Chicago area, does anyone know of relatively cheap places to stay for a day or two? I’d like to make a weekend trip over there (I’m a West Coast transplant to the Midwest for school have yet to do more in Chicago than fly through O’Hare), but am at a loss as to where to stay without breaking my budget. Also, things to do???
I have stayed at the Chicago Getaway Hostel in Lincoln Park several times and it’s great! Quiet, in a really nice area, good breakfast, close to public transport. And you can get a private room (with a half bath, so you only have to use the communal bathroom to shower) for much less than a hotel room anywhere nearby. Highly recommended.
Thanks! I’ll definitely look into it.
I will second this! I’ve stayed there twice and it’s very clean and cute and (in my experience) hostel-stayers are quite friendly. If you wanna hit up the Chicago Toasties FB group you could probably round up some awesome ladies for drinks or somesuch.
I was recently in Chicago for a wedding and stayed here: https://www.airbnb.com/rooms/5489787
I don’t know if that’s relatively cheap enough? It was v. functional in terms of having a tiny kitchen and a washer/dryer. Also there is a coffee shop in the lobby and a bakery a couple doors down. Quick walk to the train as well. Plus it’s near where the neofuturists perform: http://neofuturists.org/ (I saw Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind a few years ago in my city and it’s really good!)
I think the Viking exhibit is still on at the Field Museum and I liked that (lots of reading so if reading museum panels is not your thing, be warned). I think the Museum of Surgical Science is underrated, but then I am a huge fan of medical history museums.
Oooh, thanks for the museum recs! I love medical history, so I will definitely try to visit the Museum of Surgical Science.
Museum of Surgical Science FTW! Field is the obvious choice but the Surgical Science museum is VERY unique!
HOLY COW I DID NOT KNOW THAT WAS A THING. I may skip work this afternoon and go because OMG.
It warms my heart that there are people here who share my love of medical history. I mean, of course if y’all were anywhere you’d be here, but STILL. <3
The China exhibit is up at the Field! Plus there is a truly darling lichen exhibit tucked away in a corner that is self-conscious of the fact that not many people are into lichen and I love it so much. I’m an enormous fan of the Oriental Institute as well. So good.
I only found out about the Museum of Surgical Science after I moved away from Chicago, and I’ve been kicking myself ever since that I never went! Definitely want to go there and the Field Museum again.
There was a big “things to do in Chicago” in the open thread last week!
Whew. So everyone has decided to need me at once. The college boy goes back tomorrow morning, and still hasn’t unpacked from June. Dad has work doing on his car that requires lots of rides to the mechanic and it’s 20 miles away (did I mention we were rural?) and I have to do it because mom’s knee replacement means she can’t drive. Mom needs rides to PT all the time.
School starts Saturday for the High school soph boy and the 7th grade girl. Girl is really loving being on a team, and is already excited about her first race. Boy is exhausted from band camp but marching at Cedar Point even as we speak–well, type, anyway. They have been at their dad’s all week, which has saved me from doing those drives as well as everything else.
However.
The almost15 year old is the one who tried to commit suicide at age 9 when my ex left. He’s tried once since, threatened one other time, and has been in counseling since. We’ve got a good counselor and a good fit, but he went on vacation last week. Also, all of the attempts/threats have been at dad’s house or in response to dad things. And dad usually responds very badly (like, taking a kid who ran away and left a suicide note to him mom’s (mine) house, leaving him in the driveway with no communication to me, and not answering his phone for a week, even when the doctor tried to reach him).
You can see where I’m going with this. Boy had another crisis at dad’s. I only found out when he didn’t meet me in the band parking lot at 8 am. Dad told me nothing. Dad did at least take him to emergency mental health clinic at the kids’ insistence. Clinic lady finally updated me two days later. He was mentioning his previous suicide attempt. All I know (because kid is still at dad’s) is that it was girlfriend-related. I love all my precious boys (and girl). I do not want them to hurt. Both boys are, pretty badly. Living with manipulative dad makes it worse. Abuse dynamics suck.
I want this to be the semester that the college boy gets his act together, gets depression help, and finds his stride in college. I want my high schooler and his best friend to somehow make it out of their extreme life experiences and be out of danger. (his best friend from 3 years old has also attempted suicide, as recently as last spring, and they are like brother and sister).
I am just me, and I want to be not fighting this damn depression so that I can swoop in and save my kids and protect them from everything. I know, that doesn’t work. But I hate this being powerless to help thing.
Completely shallow and unrelated, except that it’s really making the house stink when I open the windows, we were put on a coyote band’s “yummy food here” spraying circuit. They sprayed everywhere around my whole house. It really smells–walls, trees, grass, patio. I have so far gone around outside sprinkling dry laundry soap (arm and hammer) to just out-smell the smell, but it’s nasty, and even with thunderstorms all week, it still stinks outthere, and then wafts in here. Ideas?
🙁 You are working so hard for those kids and I just wish for things to go smoothly for you all!
And GROSS re: the coyotes. Maybe baking soda? Or gallons of the stuff you use for cleaning up indoor pet accidents? Supposedly there’s some kind of enzymatic neutralizer something something.
That sounds really, really tough. One of the worst things about adulthood, in my experience anyway, is coming to terms with how little we really control. The situation sucks and you are doing the best you can, and that is really really not nothing.
Wishing you and yours a break, from badnesses big and small.
Oof, that is rough. Sending good thoughts your way!
I have moved!!! Hooray! I am now a resident of Salem, MA, so please consider this an open invitation of all Toasties to come and hang out with me in the Halloween capital of the world!!! (That may be a bit of an overstatement, but I am excited so just go with it). Fall is right around the corner and I am PSYCHED to get my sweater weather on!
Things that I love about my new apartment: DOGS ALLOWED, near the beach, old historic house, triple the square footage of my old place. Things I don’t love: loud neighbors, ugly bathroom, on the first floor (so no more walking around naked, I think). I think it all evens out to being a good decision!
I’m super jealous! Halloween Capital of the World! (actually, the official Halloween Capital of the World is Anoka, Minnesota, which I learned from my Haunted History of Halloween DVD, which I watch like twice a week from October 1 through let’s be honest early November).
(sorry I “actually”d you, I am just really excited about Halloween)
Not sure if it’s in Salem proper, but please go to Salem WIllows and smell the ghost-filled arcade air for me. One of my favorite places ever, but it’s been ages since I’ve seen it.
I can’t wait to check out Salem Willows! The website is wonderfully terrible so I have been meaning to go. I’ll say hi to the ghosts in the arcade for you!
Congratulations on your move! I live in Somerville and have been thinking mighty hard about driving up to Salem for one of the weekend Halloween open markets in October…
If you’ve gone to any Boston Toast events we may have already met! But feel free to drop a line when you want to come up – I love the Halloween open market! This year I’m determined to buy a bespoke witch hat.
Sounds amazing! Ah, it’s so exciting to settle into a new place!
i live on the first floor and i still walk around naked. i’ve got heavy curtains and drapes so no one’s seeing me do it. DO NOT BE A PRISONER OF THE PANTS!
Yeah! I live just over the border in NH and have never been down there.
Hi Toasties! This morning I went to the OB-GYN, and now I have two follow-up appointments. One is with a different OB-GYN, who will hopefully have better advice than “live with it,” which is what I got this morning. The other is (once I work up the nerve to call them) with a radiologist.
I’ve never had a mammogram before! Please share with me your stories, be they funny, horrific, normal, or otherwise! This is a new area of adulting for me.
As a gal on the smaller side (34/36Bish) I find mammograms distinctly uncomfortable, just to the verge of painful. By contrast my ex (38/40Dish) said it didn’t hurt that much. But it’s fairly fast, once you get the hang of positioning where you need to be in order for the film to be correct, and it’s just two angles per side. I try to look at it as 4 painful moments once a year that help me avoid even worse pain.
It’s not that bad!!! I had my first at age 35 due to a family history, so I was definitely the youngest person in the waiting room, which was kind of funny. I have somewhat ample bosoms, and the process was fine. A little uncomfortable, so if you can schedule when your breasts aren’t tender due to hormones, do that. But it was quick, I didn’t have to take out my piercings, and they were able to give me a preliminary reading that same day.
I’ve had two. It was definitely really painful for me (disclaimer is that I do have chronic pain conditions where even light touch can hurt, so it may not be quite as bad for someone else), I mean, they try to basically pour your entire chest cavity onto the machine and then smash it as flat as it can. I refuse to belief there isn’t a less painful way they could go about it in the year 2015. But it’s over fairly quickly. And my results were normal, although if you have “dense breast tissue” it may be harder for them to get clear results.
Vintage ad post! This week’s is from the November 1930 issue of Vogue.
wow that looks uncomfortable! I am so, so glad I live in the age of sports bras.
Dog thread!
Here is Tuva, demonstrating her favorite mullet-sitting technique, and cheerfully preparing to destroy her little sister’s favorite toy:
Jinx! Such a pretty dog!
Toasties, how do you interact with your friends when you’re feeling depressed? For me, I know that withdrawing and isolating myself will make me feel worse, but I also worry about burdening people/bringing them down/making myself vulnerable when I’m already extra-sensitive. Do you keep things light and breezy as much as possible? Do you have a script for how to talk about gloomy feelings in a non-overshare way? Tell me your ways.
Do you have friends who also struggle with mental health issues? It’s so helpful and important to have someone who knows at least something parallel to what you’re going through. Those are the friends that I go to to talk about My Brain Problems.
I personally don’t like to talk much about depression with my friends who don’t have personal experience with mental health issues. I talk about it in practical terms (“I can’t do that,” “I’m having a bad week”) but not about the experience/feelings/etc. Of course this depends on your specific friends.
This is helpful, thank you! I do have a couple friends who deal with depression and/or anxiety and it makes sense that they would be good to talk to.
And even not necessarily to Talk To About Feelings, but to be like, “hey, I’m having a rough brain day right now, can we just do something dumb and low-impact for a while?” since they’ll also understand what that’s like.
It’s funny, but it took me a long time to realize this – both with friends who have dealt with similar experiences and those who haven’t. I have maybe was afraid of being abandoned but guess what! no one abandoned me when I said “hey, I need to take it easy today.”
I’m actually mad stressed right this very second because a friend who moved across the country is back in town briefly and having a party, and she throws great parties, but my new roommate is moving in tomorrow and this has been a really draining week and I really just want to be a hermit for the last night of living by myself, but I don’t want…to hurt her feelings? for her to think I don’t want to go? And then I was trying to come up with excuses, and I realized that she’s probably also had bad brain days, and that there will be other people there for her to have fun with, and even if other people don’t show it’s not my responsibility. So I’m probably not going, but it should not be this hard to make a decision, for fuck’s sake.
This is such good advice; these are my go-to friends on a day when I just need to walk around the block a couple of times, or watch a few hours of Extreme Couponing. These are the friends who will even fold laundry if called upon; they are Good People.
I like things where you can be together and alone at the same time, and there isn’t a lot of pressure to make small talk. Museums are great for that (or botanical gardens, planetariums). Hikes are good too. (Places like bars, clubs, odeons sometimes even going out to dinner/ grabbing a cup of coffee- anything with a lot of interacting with new people or conversation are way too stressful sometimes.)
As far as talking about how I’m feeling, I’m a big internalizer and don’t like sharing too much with people. If my depression gets bad I’ll just take a few weeks off from socializing.
Ooh these are solid activity recs (thank you.)
Dog thread (my dogs threads my be + kitten now since he likes hanging out with them):
Buddies!
Do you have any advice on how to make cats and dogs be friends? I’ve had a small dog and a small cat in the same house for a week now and they just stare at each other across the room.
Unfortunately I think a lot of it is luck :-/. We have two other cats who do not particularly like the dogs, and since they run from them the dogs like to chase them (which they hate obviously) and I don’t think there is any breaking that cycle. But a week also isn’t too long, sometimes animals can take a long time to warm up to each other!
This little guy we just got is fearless and super friendly (basically starts purring the second you pet / hold him). So I think it’s just a temperament thing, plus him being a kitten and not having any bad formative experiences that allowed them to start hanging out so soon.
Next meetup is at your house so we can pet this kitten
Deal!
Pregnancy thread! How is everyone feeling?
I’m 31 weeks today and mostly feeling good, minus some of the more undignified discomforts of pregnancy that crop up in the third trimester. I am happy to be done with the infuriating hypnobirthing class that was approximately 15% useful information and techniques (which I wish we’d spent more time practicing), 25% scientifically-baseless ideology, 40% annoying tangents and anecdotes from the teacher, and 20% unnecessary commentary/questions/mansplaining from That One Guy.
I’m also moving Monday. It is supposed to be in the mid-90s from Sat-Tuesday and neither my old nor my new apt. has air conditioning. This will be delightful at 7 months pregnant, I’m sure.
I am 7 weeks and just had my first ultrasound. It’s a blob! Otherwise feeling pretty good and enjoying having boobs for the first time ever. Trying to be optimistic even though it’s still so early. Good to know about hypnobirthing, I was not inclined to do it for the reasons you just listed, but was worried I was just being a curmudgeon.
31 weeks is so exciting! Moving is not! You’re going to nest your brains out in the new space I bet. Make sure not to overdo it and be good to yourself!
Mazel tov!!! That is exciting. Glad to hear you’re feeling good; may you continue to do so.
To be honest, I feel like if it had been a different teacher, I would have liked the class a lot more. Self-hypnosis has been shown to be a pretty effective pain management tool during birth, and if the class had just focused on that (and other info/techniques) I would have been happy with it, and wouldn’t have minded just ignoring some of the Woo that is built into the curriculum by the founders. But the combo of the Woo, a really flaky teacher, and That One Guy just made me want to murder.
That One Guy inspires most of us to murder. Or Misandry.
Congratulations! It’s great that you’re still feeling good, you’re already making progress through the first trimester so hopefully it will stay easy!
I also had a frustratingly woo birth class – not specifically hypnobirthing, but it sounds pretty similar to Betsaroo’s. It wasn’t all bad, but I definitely could have done with a more practical approach and fewer personal feelings presented as scientific fact. I don’t think a hippie birth class is always a bad idea, but I definitely didn’t find an ideal one.
38 weeks and 4 days here (not that I’m obsessively counting down time or anything)! When will this baby get the fuck out of me? No one knows! Random strangers have started giving me advice on how to get labor started, ie what other pregnant women happened to be doing the day they went into labor. I know none of it really works but I’m starting to get desperate, and I can see how once you’re past your due date you would give up and start trying them. I still wouldn’t need to hear it from random 50 year old women in the bathroom at work, though.
Moving in 90 degree weather sounds brutal even without being in your third trimester! I hope everything goes well and it isn’t too tough on you!
Thank you!! We did, at least, hire movers, so I won’t be doing the actual heavy lifting. But I am kind of dreading packing up my apartment in the heat. We haven’t moved in 10 years, which means we have acquired and squirreled away a metric ton of crap.
Wow, 38 and 4! Good luck! I hope that mini-manulpika makes his or her grand debut ASAP! I know my mom was a week late with me, and I’m told that lateness/earliness of birth is fairly strongly genetically linked, so I’m afraid I, too, will go to 41 weeks or (god forbid) more. I am hoping that is not how this plays out, though.
Dearest Toast, talk to me about trigger warnings.
There’s yet another article going around my facebook feed about the damaging effects of the demand for trigger warnings in college and university courses, and I’m yet again wondering, is this actually a thing?
I don’t work in higher education, but I am a high school teacher, and typically by now, if this were such a major trend on college campuses, it would have trickled down to us. The only context in which I’ve ever seen high school students suggest the use of trigger warnings was in a feminist after-school club, in which the students were deliberately trying to create a safe space.
So is all this hysteria just that, hysteria? Have those of you who work in higher education actually had any personal experiences with students requesting trigger warnings in syllabi, lectures, etc? Have students been requesting censorship of materials in the way these articles and think-pieces are insisting they are, or are they gently requesting that they be personally alerted to triggering topics?
In my experience, teachers will give the class a heads-up if there’s going to be something really graphic/disturbing/sad in the material so everybody could psych themselves up for it (and if an individual student felt they would be triggered, they’d be able to talk to the instructor in private). These heads-ups are not usually called trigger warnings, but they’re very similar to much of what trigger warning supporters request. No censorship is involved, but it’s helpful to prepare mentally for disturbing content, and students with trauma/anxiety/PTSD are usually capable of having a discussion about if and how they will handle it. To me, all this brouhaha about a “culture of offense” is hyperbolic BS; while some students’ trigger warning requests may be deemed unreasonable, an adult (the teacher) giving other adults (the students) a heads-up seems like basic human politeness.
Yeah, that’s how we do it at the high school level, and it seems… like what’s always been done?
I think a little more sensitivity about recognizing which topics may be triggering is expected now, but for the most part…yeah.
If it’s on the internet, it’s mostly just hysteria.
BOOM 🙂
For real, I think this is one of those things that has maybe happened once or twice at a handful of schools, but it’s an appealing topic for thinkpieces so people have been writing a lot of them.
I had a friend in college who was not made aware of some very painful topic matter (movie with babies being murdered, etc). The professor was a dick about her concerns and barely let her do an alternative assignment where she didn’t have to watch the movie (and she had to disclose all the trauma she’d gone through to “deserve” to do that) and the dean of students was very little help. She had to take the class or take an F since she didn’t find out about the triggering content until after the add/drop deadline. So, pretty much, fuck everyone who is anti trigger warnings in classes. She didn’t learn shit in that class and it messed up her ability to learn in her other classes that semester.
I had a couple gender studies classes in college do this for specific material. It was pretty informal, like, “We’re studying and watching ‘Boys Don’t Cry’ next week, there are explicit rape scenes so be prepared and feel free to leave if you need to,” which I think is very reasonable.
Yeah, a guy I haven’t talked to since high school shared that article or a similar one with a comment about how trying to avoid dealing with trauma in his life had actually made it much worse, and I was like, first of all, duh, and second of all, I’m not sure how avoiding triggering stuff is not dealing with trauma, since you have to know your trauma to know your triggers, and third of all, I’m not going to tell you how to deal with your shit, so maybe don’t tell me how to deal with mine?
Also, confronting your triggers and learning to cope with them is something that should only be done with the help of your mental health care person in specific circumstances where you have help to deal with the aftermath. College professors, classmates, and random assholes on the Internet are not my mental health practitioner and should not be making that decision for anyone. Christ on a cracker.
I have been teaching at the university level for 20 years (yikes!) and this is more of a media sensationalist-thing-of-the-week than it is a reality.
I have always given my students a heads-up when we are going to be dealing with material that might be difficult (emotionally) for some (like a novel that deals with sexual abuse, or a film that includes a rape scene), and I know most of my colleagues do the same.
I have never, ever, in all those 20 something years, had any students who have requested a trigger warning. And they shouldn’t have to. Faculty should be sensitive enough to realize that some materials require some advance preparation. That’s just plain common sense.
http://www.newrepublic.com/article/122543/trigger…
I just read this short piece (“The Trigger Warning Myth” by Aaron Hanlon), and I think it is spot-on.
Toasts, I am running my first tabletop RPG tonight and I am NERVOUS. I’ve been playing D&D for years with this group of friends, but this is a whole new system. I picked it up on a whim at GenCon two weeks ago and while I’m super excited about the game itself (historical! feminist! queer!), I do not know what I’m doing!
Tips? Advice for a new GM? Has anyone played Night Witches before?
I’ve never been a GM, only a player, but from the player’s perspective, be willing to make the rules work with the players, not make it harder for them to be part of the story (but you probably already knew that). I’d like to hear updates on this system, I’ve been playing Shadowrun for about a year and it’s fun, but I’d be willing to branch out!
Reporting back as requested! It went pretty well! I was definitely making a ton of stuff up on the fly, but I think that’s actually how it’s supposed to go. And the character creation was really fun. The game has very loose structure, really just “daytime when people can do whatever they want” and “nighttime when everyone flies,” so everyone has to drive their own story.
The only thing I think I’d change next time is to have more NPCs created ahead of time so I can throw them in when necessary. We’re playing again this Wednesday, starting an actual campaign instead of a one-shot, so I should probably get on that.
Ooh! My I had a friend who was thinking of running a Night Witches game! I read through a lot of the booklet and it looked pretty great. (The friend moved to another city before we ever got a chance to play, sadly.) I’ve neverr GMed, though, so I don’t have any advice to offer
I’d love to hear back about how it goes too, since I bought the book for Night Witches, but haven’t gotten together a group to play yet. It’s such a neat concept, so I do want to get around to it someday, unless it’s clunky.
Reporting back! It went pretty well! I was definitely making a ton of stuff up on the fly, but I think that’s actually how it’s supposed to go. And the character creation was really fun. The game has very loose structure, really just “daytime when people can do whatever they want” and “nighttime when everyone flies,” so everyone has to drive their own story.
The only thing I think I’d change next time is to have more NPCs created ahead of time so I can throw them in when necessary. We’re playing again this Wednesday, starting an actual campaign instead of a one-shot, so I should probably get on that.
That sounds perfect! Do you think it would play well over Skype or similar? I’m usually a D&D player, but I am moving far away from my usual group and am looking for something more paper-less.
I actually do think it would work well over Skype; it seems much more suited to that than regular D&D. More talking, less rolling/calculating/reading. My group was going to add a Skype player this week to start the new campaign, but then he was a jerk and got himself kicked out, so I can’t test it out for you.
More talking sounds like just the ticket for long distances. And I’m sorry to hear that y’all had a Skype jerk, but am pleased to hear that he was quickly booted!
My advice is to not plan ahead too much, lol.
I like to get the big points, the broad arc, the major characters, etc. written down – but I don’t do much more other than brainstorm in my head for stuff like individual encounters, minor NPCs, etc. It’s much easier to improvise on-the-spot and react to what the players bring to the table. That way I don’t waste a bunch of energy on an NPC that the players never visit, or a dungeon that they decide to skip, etc. I can focus my time and creative energy on the stuff they actually care about.
john darnielle of the mountain goats is listed as a playtester, and he answers questions from the public on his tumblr, you should ask him.
more seriously, if you’re used to running D&D, the biggest difference is going to be handling future events. like, the game really won’t work if you plan a plot (even a branching one). it takes a much more reactive GM technique than you are likely used to, where you basically let the players do what they want, but step in (hard!) when the rules say you can/must.
(otoh who knows how your particular group has been playing d&d, maybe you’ve been playing it like this the whole time 😀 )
I actually found a Google+ group (who knew such things still existed?) where people were reporting on their Night Witches games and asking questions, and the author and editor were both responding. It was super helpful and I feel a bit better about tonight.
I’m really glad the system seems so player-driven, because I’ve only been a player in my D&D group and thus am used to running nothing. And the group I have for tonight is a bunch of super-creative RPers, so I’m hoping they will basically create the story for me. I’m sure we’ll fumble, because we’re all new to the system, but I think it will work out.
Holy cow, I *LOVE* the Night Witches and had no idea there was a game about them! Imma have to get this!!
GM wise, rule with an iron thumb, as Steven Chenault says. You are the rules arbiter, not the book, and not the players. 🙂
ETA: Good luck! I’m sure you will do (are doing? It is late) well!
This is a week of crazy highs-and-lows, Toasties! High: I GOT A JOB OFFER, UNEMPLOYMENT ENDS MONDAY!! It’s an exciting job that is a great step on my career path with a lot of opportunities for professional growth.
Low: After celebrating the news with me on Monday night, my bestie moved away from NYC on Wednesday. She’s going to be in Chicago, and it’s going to be good – she and her boyfriend finally get to live in the same place! – but I already miss not being able to text her and suggest we meet at our favorite wine bar. She’s still in my life, that’s not an issue, but damn: change is hard.
What were your highs-and-lows this week?
Highs — getting a promising chance at an adjunct gig that would help me put some savings in the bank (head of search e-mailed me specifically to give me a heads-up about the application deadline because they wanted the “best candidates”). Adviser telling me my chapter is in good shape, which is not what I expected.
Lows — Got a cold and sat around during the day like a lump, realized that I miss the town I just moved from and all of my grad school friends. I’m not sure any of them are really the “keep in touch” type and I’m worried I’m going to be super lonely once the shine of being newly-cohabitated with the BF wears off. So yeah, I’m right there with you–change is hard. I’ve been doing great so far but I know there will be shitty times ahead.
High: I’m going snowboarding on sunday 😀 (fauxboarding? idk it’s an indoor real snow thingie)
Low: I made watercress and celeriac soup and it may be the the worst thing I have ever put in my mouth. I don’t understand how it can taste so bad, but it does. If I’m ever poisoned and need to be sick, I will think of the flavour of this terrible, terrible soup.
Highs – starting a new shift at work… instead of working until 9PM I’ll only work until 4:30 PM and have all weekends off! I get so excited thinking of all ways I could spend my evenings. Endless possibilities! I can also walk to work instead of driving.
Lows – shift change comes with a pay cut of about $3000 USD/year. As a single, childless person, however, I think having the time in the evening to have fun/socialize/relax will be totally worth it.
High–after 4 years of my employment looking iffy and/or utterly dead-end, it appears that my job will continue and should even offer room for advancement–in a way that I had been suggesting for the said 4 years but everyone ignored. (I am going to generously overlook the fact that the new director of our Center is taking credit for my idea, as long as it fucking happens.)
Lows–my mother had to have her 14-year-old black Lab put to sleep very unexpectedly, and my aunt has lymphoma.
High: Spending two hours in a tea shop chatting with a good friend and generally enjoying life
Low: picking up a skirt off the bedroom floor and starting to put it on, only to have a rather large spider fall out of it and then disappear. My house now has 4 nice sticky spider traps. I have caught 3 spiders so far and squished one that the cat found. I fear that they are hobo spiders.
A job offer! That is SUCH A BIG HONKING DEAL AND CONGRATULATIONS!
My high – wrestling with a personal inner challenge with behaviour change, I wobbled badly mid-week but ended up feeling fairly proud with my progress. /vague and boring
Low – New guy at work; thinks he’s super hilarious and charming, is misguided.
Congrats, lady!!
Highs: my first week in my new supervisor-ish role (I’m supervising all the admins at my firm, but only in one specific area) included creating a very detailed, technical PowerPoint presentation that a C-level person reviewing it gave me lots of compliments on… we had our annual work summer outing and it was super fun… flirted with a cute boy I like…
Lows: When I feel out of my depth or intimidated by new people, I have an unfortunate tendency to poke fun at someone else that I’m close to in order to “level the playing field,” I guess. This week I was handling a video shoot, coordinating it with an outside company, and the woman in charge of the outside-company people was just so successful and cool that I reverted back to this ugly habit and was teasing my boss in front of her, and I said something that was untrue and somewhat demeaning. My boss is like a father figure to me, and he laughed it off in public, but pulled me aside later and was like “yo, you know that wasn’t true.” I’ve been beating myself up over it all week and actually had a sobfest in my bathroom later (while I was shaving my legs, so that was weird). I’ve realized that I’m not doing enough to resolve my issues with my parents – where these insecurities stem from – and it’s affecting the people I love the most. I have the name of a therapist I think can help me, but taking that next step is TOUGH.
Low: Feared for my job most of the week. I’m either being treated badly through incompetence or malice. Spent a lot of time strategizing and thinking about how unfair life is.
High: Determined, more or less, that I’m *not* in as dire straits and I *do* still have some perceived value. Also all my anxiety got sublimated into a shitload of extracurricular productivity. I managed to get some shit done that’s been sitting around for months.
Good week, all in all, and I feel mentally stronger for having worked through all that stuff.
Is anyone else out there who watches and loves the show Pretty Little Liars (mostly due to Heather Hogan’s insightful recaps) feeling troubled about the direction they decided to go in the recent big finale reveal?
Happy Friday, ya’ll!
I just want to say thanks for the funny links and uplifting words last week. The update is that after stomach flu and much scheduling conflict I had my very first infusion treatment for my weird arthritis. I was easily the youngest person there by 25 years. So… hooray? Here’s hoping it does the trick and makes me feel better soon!
I hope you are all having a great Friday. Love you, Toasties!
oh! I nearly forgot. Chicago Toasties Violet Hour meetup! Literal toasting, with cocktails! I didn’t get much response on a date preference on the facebook page, so I will ask here and then maybe executive decision it: Tuesday August 25 or Wednesday August 26?
Tuesday!
as the sole person to express a preference so far, you might have made the decision! 🙂
Yessssssss
I’m intrigued and I’m going to try to make it!
Tuesday is slightly better for me, but Wednesday is also doable.
yay, many Chicago Toasties! I will post here/on FB next week to say yes we are for sure going to do this. Prepare your livers accordingly.
I will try to make it!
I will also try to be there! I will wear my Toast shirt! Yay!
I will try to come! I think Tuesday is better by an inch, maybe.
I will feature it on the FB page if you give me a specific time. Tuesday is official!
Sounds good! How about 6:30?
What a week. Our car is totaled. (No accident, phew, just a rusted-out frame.) My new computer, which I scrimped & saved for and finally bought this month, is defective and has to go back. Someone I respect did something childishly unkind. The Fella’s day job shuts its doors tomorrow.
Everything will be okay. I know this. We’ve planned for everything we can, we’re making the most of our opportunities, and we’ll improvise for the surprises. And we’ll do it together; knowing someone has your back can make a huge difference. But it’s hard not to take life’s slings and arrows personally sometimes.
That’s…a lot going on.
Blerg, that’s a lot of things. 🙁
We’ve been preparing for the vanishing day job for months, and we’ve known the exact date for weeks. It’s going to be fine and he has a plan and [insert other encouraging platitudes I do actually believe in this case], but it’s still a bad time for the car to die.
On the other hand, it’s a great time for the car to die! He’ll be working from home! He won’t be making five or six round-trips to work a week! Maybe we can spend a winter not worrying about parking bans and shoveling out spaces! [Insert silver linings here! I am trying really, really hard!]
And I’m already getting the computer problem resolved, and in the meantime I have my creaky ol’ laptop for backup, and honestly “My shiny new laptop isn’t perfect, so they’re replacing it at some inconvenience to me” is a pretty high-grade problem to have. But it’s hard to agonize over a decision for so long, finally pull the trigger and splurge on important work equipment, get it all loaded up with my passwords and bookmarks, then have to start over a week later.
So it will all be okay, but right now, yeah, it’s a lot. I knew you’d get that.
You are so good at silver linings! I may need to borrow you sometime for that.
Well, I also laid face-down and cried, so it all balances out. The terrible things are terrible and the great things are great, and right now I’m able to keep my head above the pull of the emotional tide, more or less.
I am furious with myself for postponing our planned trip to Ikea to buy a sofa, though. We’ve been talking about this for LITERALLY YEARS, and we finally had it planned out, then I suggested we wait until after his day job ended so we’d have more time. It kinda feels like a poke in the eye from the universe.
I rented a Uhaul van for about $20 for my last Ikea furniture purchase that didn’t fit in my Corolla.
I appreciate the thought, but we’ll need to make it an overnight trip, so borrowing or renting anything is going to be a bigger venture than you’d think. I’ve thought around all the angles of this, believe me.
Inspired by the contents of Nicole’s fridge (and a sale at the market) I bought some Siggi’s filmjölk and ended up drinking 32 oz. in less than 24 hours. I feel great.
Relatively quiet weekend, but big week coming up after that, as I take my older daughter off to college on the other side of the country. Of course we’ve all known this is coming, and have accustomed ourselves to it, more or less. The money will be an issue, mostly because I completely fucked up the FAFSA process, so the financial aid is not coming through, but we’ll get through it.
What’s weird, though, is the feeling that I should be more broken up about this–it was the same thing when I went back to work four months after she was born, and was happy as hell to be back among grownups, not crying in the bathroom and fearing her soul would be stolen by evil daycare workers. Am I wrong (or just deluded) to be happy about this change?
I’m actually feeling excited about it, for both her sake and for mine and younger daughter’s; I think they’ll both have room to grow and become themselves away from the constant family microscope, and I think I’ll be able to breathe a little more freely with just one kid at home. Will it hit me like a train next month? Has anyone else felt positive about shipping a kid off to college for the first time (and then felt guilty about that)?
I don’t think you are wrong, you sound like a pretty great, well-adjusted parent to me, though I’m not a parent myself. It sounds similar to how my mom handled it, and I think it was good for me to not feel responsible for my mom’s emotions. It sounds like you acknowledge that your kids are their own people, and you want what is best for them, and that you value your identity outside of “parent,” all of which sound great to me! You might feel sad in the coming weeks as change is often bittersweet, but I think you have a great handle on everything!
Same. I’m not a parent, but my parents (my mom in particular) did very little to hide their…enthusiasm that I was leaving for college. They then promptly sold their house and moved out of state. None of us have any regrets. I think you’re fine.
As a parent who just did this last year, and takes the college boy back later today, I’ll have to say, your attitude is right on the money.
My younger son just blossomed his freshman year without an older brother to overshadow him. Having that older brother “history” made it easier for him to find friends in upperclasses who he knew from his brother’s marching band days, but with the brother not actually being there, it gave him his own spotlight.
The hardest thing for the one in college was letting on that he was homesick…he didn’t and that second semester in February was really tough for him, because he wanted to be a grown up and not admit that he needed some help. In general, though, everybody gets a little room to breathe, after you stop calling the younger one by the older one’s name your relationship with the younger one really changes, and it’s good for all after the usual sticking points work themselves out. Enjoy the idea of a little more “you” time in the parenting schedule! Pat yourself on the back for making it this far!
Any UNC alums have more nuanced thoughts on the recent elimination of low-demand degree programs?
“They think you’re eliminating a lot of the cost, but we’re really only eliminating a little bit of the cost,” Long said. “We’re really not discontinuing the whole program; we’re just scaling it back.” Long said he didn’t think the programs addressed by the report necessarily needed more scrutiny. “We’re capitalists, and we have to look at what the demand is, and we have to respond to the demand.”
http://www.dailytarheel.com/article/2015/05/board…
It sucks, but the thing is that it’s not just this year–programs are cut and new ones are added every year, it’s just that before the recession, they used to add more than they cut. There was a net increase of 147 programs between 2001-02 and 2007-08 (250 added, 103 cut), and a net *decrease* of 133 between 2008-09 and 2014-15 (114 added, 247 cut). At this point, you’d think they would have run out of stuff to get rid of, but apparently not. Capitalism!!
Toasties! A (million) question(s):
I am looking to get my very first smart phone. I have survived with a dumb phone for lo these many years, but I recently landed my very first important job and I think I will need to upgrade for work purposes. Also, I want to take pictures of my food and my dog! Like everyone else!
So what do I do? I first decided I would just stick with AT&T, get a free iPhone 5c and call it a day. But then I made the mistake of looking at the internet, and apparently that’s all wrong? Like the wrong time to get a phone (new iPhones come out soon?!) and the wrong way to get a phone (boo, contracts!) and perhaps the wrong phone to get (boo Apple?). Also complicating things is that it would probably be cheaper to get on a family plan with my partner, but he wants to stick with Sprint. Which is fine. But if I get a new phone/contract with Sprint, I assume that will make it harder to end the family plan if (heaven forbid) we decide to end the family? But if I brought my own phone to the partnership, I think I could peace out pretty easy? But who can afford a new phone? And how do you know a used phone’s gonna work?
I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS. Can someone please just tell me what to do?
Call Sprint, ask them about how splitting up a family plan with a phone you bought on contract under the plan would work. You can’t possibly be the first person worrying about it, and it mostly depends on Sprint’s policies, and you could probably find out online but the nice customer service people might be able to explain it to you more clearly without you having to search through fine print.
Also ask about getting out of a contract and getting the phone unlocked, if you decided to leave Sprint. Contracts aren’t always the worst, but knowing exactly what you’re getting into in terms of commitment is good.
As for Apple: do you have an Apple computer? iTunes? Other Apple devices? The main benefit of Apple is that all its stuff plays nicely together. The main benefit of Android is that it plays nicely with all Google’s other stuff. Pick the one that will play well with the stuff you already have.
Addendum: I suppose probably Windows phones play well with Windows, but there are a lot of great apps that aren’t available for them, and also there would be fewer people who could give you advice if you needed help, and I don’t trust Microsoft to provide reasonable updates for a reasonable length of time, so my advice about phones that play well with your current stuff does not extend to Windows phones. Do not get a Windows phone. Probably you already knew that, but just in case.
Go with your first plan. It’s done, it’s easy, end of story. There are always a million options and sometimes some of them are a bit less optimal, but realistically they will all get you a phone and will all work OK. Unless you massively need the cheapest possible option, just go with what’s easy. There will always be more iphones coming out, whatever you get will be upgraded at some point, it will be fine.
Man, it’s been 4 years since I bought a phone, so I can’t offer you much more than my condolences. However: the refurbished iPhone I bought 4 years ago is still going strong to this day. If you buy through official channels (I think I got mine from AT&T directly) I think you’re pretty safe even with used.
Also, family plans are great–if your partner doesn’t want to go in, do you have parents or grandparents who might join you? I added my mom and my grandma to my plan, which saves me some money, but they’re both super light data users so we never even get close to our monthly allotment.
Final advice: ask around your physical vicinity– your office/school, your apartment building, etc.– whether people get good signal with their provider.
“Final advice: ask around your physical vicinity– your office/school, your apartment building, etc.– whether people get good signal with their provider. ”
This ^^ is why I quit Sprint, but I move a lot and have needed coverage in some weird places. Went with Verizon for that and don’t regret it. They also let me change numbers with zero hassle when I was getting harassed, which I greatly appreciated.
Recently went from an LG dumb phone to an iPhone 6 and there was much raillery at the store. I have an Apple computer and older iPod and did not find the phone a problem to work with–OS was pretty standard. I did throw a bunch of the in-built apps into a wtf folder to get them out of my way. I looked into Android since I know several people who swear by it, and I’m sure that would have been fine. I mostly stuck with the horse I knew. We bought the phones themselves on the edge plan, since we tend to keep them until we absolutely can’t use them anymore. :/
I think this is where one of my mom’s best pieces of advice applies: You are allowed to make sub-optimal decisions on things you do not care about! This has seen me through a lot of stupid technology things.
This is excellent advice. I am going to keep this in mind.
I like iPhones fine, I’ve sort of invested now with apps since I started with an iPhone way back when and don’t really feel like switching. Also it’s a little less complicated since iPhones will all be pretty similar vs researching what Android phones are good. But either way I think you’d be ok.
New phones releasing can be a good thing if you want to save money too, since Apple tends to then sell the older models dirt cheap when a new one comes out. You could probably get a 5s pretty cheap since the 6 is out, that is what I have and it still working fine. They’ll announce new phones in September it looks like, so if you wanted to wait a bit you could maybe get a 6 cheaper too. I wouldn’t really recommend the 5c, my wife has one for similar reasons as you (she had to be dragged into the smartphone world too) and the camera and some other stuff isn’t great. Still works generally ok though.
Being on a family plan would be harder to separate, since you’d have to cancel lines, there maybe fees (like $180 is pretty standard for cancelling a line while in contract). But you will save some money on such a plan.
I have heard they’ve started changing things around regarding contracts / no contracts, I’m not sure, I’ve had my phone a couple of years now so haven’t had to renew recently.
[clears throat, walks up to mic] Same question, but also pretend you are instructing a traveler from 1980 who has never heard of a smart phone.
I took my Samsung Galaxy 5 canoeing this summer. We capsized. It survived the swim to shore. (It is officially water resistant.)
Good luck with your quest.
A used smartphone is a good idea, as long as it is compatible with your existing and/or desired provider.
One good place to obtain a used smartphone is from friends or acquaintances who wish to upgrade; possibly you or your partner know someone who really, really wants the bran’new shiny iPhone when it arrives, and a friend is going to give the real goods on what, if any, drawbacks there are to the phone, plus it’s probably not gonna be stolen goods. They’ll happily accept some ducats toward their new shiny toy in exchange for a slightly used, not-at-all obsolete toy.
If you locate a good used phone, then ask your existing provider if they support bringing in an existing used phone. If not, that gives you a good point of comparison for shopping around for a new provider.
Check with your work as well, to see if they will be giving you an allowance toward the use of your phone. That might also inform your choices. Perhaps there’s a corporate plan that will give you a discount if you switch to a new provider; talk to your manager or HR.
Finally, I would say that the chief advantage of Apple over Android phones are that Apple makes it easier to talk over wifi (FaceTime is an included Skype-like application that lets you have vid chats).
I got my first smartphone a couple of years ago! I went with the apple option at the time that was a “free upgrade” with 2-year contract, which was the iphone 4. I loved it- I think any smartphone upgrade is exciting no matter what kind you get, really, as it just expands your options like crazy (you mean I can look up the restaurant on my PHONE???) so I think you’ll be excited about any phone you get because it is shiny and new and can do new things!
The only wish that I had of my first iphone was that I wished I had gotten more memory in GB, as that controls how much music/apps you can download and I was OK with 8GB but could only have a few songs on the phone at once plus I always had to rearrange apps toward the end (download one, delete another one).
Otherwise it was great. As for the plan- I have done fine without a family plan, and recently I actually managed to make my phone plan less expensive. I’m with Verizon and they have a pay as you go plan that I wanted to change to when my contract came up as it would have been about $50 a month for about the same amt of data that I used (1GB, which was not an option in their regular plans- they start at 2GB, which is what I was paying for in my “locked in” plan). When I called to change over to the pay as you go, the Verizon person was like WHOA WHOA WHOA WAIT before you switch to pay as you go, tell me about what you WANT…and that’s how I ended up with another 2 year contract but for less than I’d been paying before and the option to upgrade to a new phone.
tl;dr- you will probably be happy with ANY smartphone, I think iphones are good for new smartphone users who don’t want to do too much customization, consider the amount of data you would like on the phone for apps/music/etc, and if you can and you have an idea what you want, talk to representatives because they can be fairly helpful and might be able to tell you about stuff that isn’t offered on the website.
The other day my 6-year-old told me that a boy in her class is calling her names and making fun of her. I asked her what he calls her and she looked up at me, tears in her eyes, and said,
“He calls me … Jellybean.”
and I had to take a few seconds so that I didn’t laugh. It’s so cute! But also now I want to beat up a first grade boy.
That is so precious. I would have definitely laughed.
That is adorbs. But it also reminds me that my family nicknamed me ‘jumping bean’ as a sprog and it upset me no end, for no good reason. Tone is everything I guess.
My four-year-old niece was being bugged by a boy in her class and she and two of her girl friends “made him stop” by responding to him only by meowing, which apparently freaked him the heck out.
A++ advice, will pass this on to her immediately after I pick her up today
Toasts, what are your best strategies for dealing with imposter syndrome? It is eating me alive lately, because I LOVE my job but it’s also very high pressure right now, because my boss is on paternity leave and the assistant in my department left and we haven’t hired a replacement yet, and I’ve only been here two months so I’m still learning the ropes. I’ve only made one mistake that could be considered a real mistake and it wasn’t even a high consequence one but it sent me into a death spiral of insecurity. How do I. . .not do that?
I struggle with this too (sounds like your job is a lot more high-stakes than mine, but…). It might not be a *good* strategy, but my tactic is pretty much “Fake it til you make it.” The way I look at it, I’m in this position, being expected to do this stuff I’m not confident about, but there’s no one else able or willing to step up to do the stuff, so I just pretend that I’m a person who *can* do it and brazen it out. I do make mistakes, but somehow when I’m pretending to be someone I’m not, the mistakes are less devastating. I don’t know if this is healthy or sane, but it gets me through.
FWIW, to me it sounds like you are doing a kick-ass job in a difficult situation, and you shouldn’t question yourself (easier said than done, I know!). Go forth and kick all the asses, and make no apologies!
Aw, thanks, that’s nice of you to say. I think “fake it till you make it” is a fine strategy, but damn I just want this nagging suspicion that I will always be faking it to go away. I’m trying to remind myself that it was a competitive process to even get this job and I’m here because they thought I would be the best at it, but man, it’s hard. My therapist said “nobody’s perfect!” to me this week and I responded, “Ok fine, but I would like specific information about exactly how imperfect it is OK to be”. I was almost crying when I told my boss about this mistake last week and he was incredibly nice and supportive about it, and that’s a big part of why I love my job right now, but I also just want to. . .not cry every time I make a mistake of any kind. Sigh. Thanks for your insight!
what are your best strategies for dealing with imposter syndrome?
i mean
mostly i just dance around singing “Grown Woman” to myself
And they listen to me when I talk
‘Cause I ain’t pretending
but i feel like that’s not the answer you’re looking for?
That actually might be way more effective than anything else I’ve tried! I’m always open to dance-based solutions to my problems.
I’m not usually much for affirmations, but the first one of these is just about realistic enough to work for me.
Bahaha, awesome. As someone who recently ditched NY the second one is pretty great as well.
Hey, you know, sometimes I tell people at my job that if you don’t make mistakes, you aren’t working hard enough. We all make mistakes, because we’re busy and shit, and it’s impossible not to. You made a mistake, you caught it (this is so important! this is like the most important!), and you told your boss about it (great! That is hard to do and also really key)
You said you’ve only been at the job for two months, so I will say one other thing. It sounds like you are doing the jobs of three people very conscientiously. Other people at your job make mistakes too! I’ve never really thought about it this way before, but I actually think my feelings of impostor syndrome have lessened with increasing exposure to coworkers.
If the people you work with are really really universally competent, that is pretty awesome, and I can only assume that their vocation also calls them to be kind and patient teachers to mere mortals such as ourselves.
Thanks! That is very kind and encouraging of you to say. I actually have an elaborate internal justification for why it’s OK that my coworkers make mistakes, but NOT ok for me (I’m the money/admin person at a social justice nonprofit, so in my head it’s OK for all the community organizer types to make mistakes because they’re supposed to be inspiring visionaries, but I’m supposed to be the flawless logical person who keeps everything together). I do realize that’s mostly insane. I guess it’s just a process of getting from “logically I know that’s insane” to “I actually don’t believe that anymore”.
Going anon for this one…!
I have barely any sex drive these days. And by “these days,” I mean the last two years or so. For context, I’ve been married about 10 months, with the same guy for 3 years, and if I feel like boning once a week that’s a good week. Mostly I don’t care about it or think about it. Husband has been super understanding and considerate, but it’s frustrating for both of us. I WANT to want it, but I don’t want it.
Otherwise we have a pretty great relationship and it’s not like I find him repulsive or anything. I just feel like sex is so much effort.
Any advice or head pats would be appreciated.
Head pat, nopenope!
I’m partway through reading “Come as you are” by Emily Nagoski and it’s been really interesting and mentally useful for me. It’s all science based, very good at pointing out that wherever you are is normal and okay, and then working with that.
I love her blog so much!!
Ooh! I didn’t realize she had a blog. I’ll be bookmarking that for at home reading.
Ooooh thank you for the rec!
Lol and this still shows my profile pic so not as anon as I had hoped, oh well, I’m gonna lean into it.
I dunno if this helps, but in our lives, once a week is what we usually aim for, between my spouse working full time (or more), going to school, me working and traveling, etc. I mean, different strokes for different folks (hahah I’m HILARIOUS NOBODY HAS EVER MADE THAT JOKE BEFORE), but if you’re fixating on a certain number of times per day or per week, that may not be the most useful metric. Instead, I’d look at stuff like, if you do do it, are you enjoying it, are you feeling close afterwards or more distant, that kind of thing. Our sex life has been in the toilet lately as we work through some massive issues, so I may not be the right person to ask 🙂
Without going into too much detail, I’ve been in a similar situation for a bit. Am trying to be really communicative with my partner and also not beat myself up too much about it. Like, it is a natural thing that people’s sex drives fluctuate from time to time, and just because it’s low now doesn’t mean it’ll be that way forever, and regardless, it is not my fault so I refuse to feel shitty about it.
Can you think of anything new or different you might want to try sexually? Doesn’t have to be anything super complicated or kinky, just anything that might add novelty. This has helped a little for me, even if it’s something as simple as a different position or a new setting. I find that sometimes going into a sexual encounter, my brain will either shut off or go on autopilot, but if something slightly out of the norm is happening, I have to pay more attention and I find myself being more present and getting into it more.
I think this is pretty normal? Definitely a thing I’ve encountered. My philosophy is sex (esp. piv) isn’t the be all and end all. If you feel like sex once a month that’s great! Have sex once a month! If sex feels like too much work I switch to things that seem like less work. (very much NOT suggesting guilt bjs, unless giving bjs is your total fave, in which case go crazy) Old school make out session, shower together, mutual masturbation, whatever sounds fun and/or easy.
Has something changed – lifestyle, job. medication, anything else? Is the relationship OK otherwise? I think if it’s a dramatic change then perhaps worth getting a medical opinion in case theres a physical reason? if you’re at one with it then fairy nuff, these things happen, but if you want it to change then it’s worth finding out if there might be a reason you can get rid of.
This is the stuff I wonder about. I’ve noticed that if I’m generally relaxed and not stressed out, I can be more into sexytimes, but low-level anxiety is kind of my normal so that’s probably where I need to focus on getting better.
Are you on hormonal birth control? That can have a big effect on sex drive.
Other than that, my advice would be 1) it’s totally ok to be the way you are. First, once a week is quite a lot for a lot of people, and second, wanting even less sex than that is ok too. Hopefully you can be kind with yourself about this, just like your husband is.
And 2) (and I want to be super careful about this because I definitely DON’T mean you should have sex you don’t want) I think desiring sex, for me, is not like hunger, in that it doesn’t always occur spontaneously in response to a lack. Often I really *want* sex itself only after I’m in a somewhat sexual situation. Because I know that, and because I intellectually know that I really like sex and usually am happier and less anxious afterwards) and because I know that my partner is kind and will stop if I want to stop, and because I do crave closeness and intimacy, I very often initiate or otherwise get into sexual situations to kind of see if I will (mentally, more than anything) “get it up”. And usually I do, and am glad for it.
My partner has a lower libido than I do, and one of the things we have agreed on is that we “play” more often without it necessarily progressing through all the activities we associate with sex, or without anyone necessarily orgasming. So we make out and sexually cuddle more, which keeps the energy higher generally. Also, I think it makes him feel a bit less pressure to have SEX whenever I kiss him, and seriously, pressure is the biggest boner killer, lady and gentleman varieties both.
We also plan a lot of our sex, and take a lot of time for lead up. Like, two hours of wine-drinking and chatting and listening to music and being together and shutting out the outside world.
You mentioned above being anxious a lot, which of course makes you less sexually inclined. Hopefully you can feel less anxious, or know that when you have less anxious periods, your sex life might pick up. My partner is WAY more sexual on vacation and on the weekends.
Thoughts:
First- this is so annoying, so frustrating, and so normal. It’s unlikely that any two people will have the exact same sex drive for the entire of their relationship with each other, so most coupled people deal with something like this for at least part of their relationship. That doesn’t make it EASY, or anything, but it does mean that there are a lot more people dealing with it than maybe we all assume.
If you think that this is not your normal, and not where you want to be, start with a health check. Most common is either hormonal birth control or brain meds lowering libido, but other medications can have this as a side effect, or if you’ve got other health stuff draining your available energy/etc, that may result in you just not having enough left at the end of the day to really want sex. Chronic pain, chronic fatigue, and brain weasels are all especially bad. Of course, that puts a lot of people between a rock and a hard place- lots of antidepressants destroy sex drive, but uncontrolled depression also often kills sex drive. In any case, switching a med or working on your health MAY help you get to a place where you just sort of want sex more often.
In the meantime/if that doesn’t work: What parts of sex are the ones he finds most important? What parts of sex are the ones you find to be lots of effort you’re not thrilled about, and which parts are things you don’t mind or enjoy? Because you might be able to find some common ground- like, you snuggle him while he masturbates, or he gets himself most of the way, and you finish via hands/mouth. Adding toys to make things go faster. Have specific times where you touch each other- snuggling, massaging, teasing, kissing, where sex is NOT on the table (which may help you both feel sexy/desirable, and may be the sort of thing where you both have been avoiding them, but he may not want to pressure you into more, and you may not want to ‘lead him on’, but you’d both enjoy more making out even if there wasn’t always more sex tied to it).
There is an NYT Magazine article from 2009 called “Women Who Want to Want”… honestly I can’t remember if there was anything that could be considered useful here, but given that you used nearly identical phrasing I thought I’d mention it just in case? As others have mentioned, this is an extremely common issue and I wish you good luck in navigating it. <3
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/29/magazine/29sex-…
Does anyone have any favourite dress patterns they would like to recommend? Any companies that draft for bigger than a b-cup? I’ve made a couple of sewaholic cambies, and they’re nice, but I need to move on and have zero inspiration. I can do a full bust adjustment but….eiighhhnnngh…
All of the big name sewing pattern companies have a limited line of patterns that have separate cutting pieces for cup sizes. The selection is limited, but not horrible. Here’s links to the sections that list only those patterns:
Simplicity
Butterick
McCalls
Vogue
ETA: I had good luck combining a size 12D top with size 14 skirt bottom, too! Did that with a few different patterns before I switched over to wearing all knits and I was very happy. The first one came out so well I didn’t even bother with muslins/mock-ups after that.
I did not know that – thanks 🙂
I’ve had pretty good luck with the SImplicity multi-cup size patterns. Their “Amazing Fit” patterns usually have different cup sizes AND extra seam allowance on the sides (so be sure and read the instructions! learn from my stupid!) and sometimes different cuts for things like curviness of skirts.
(I have big boobs and no shoulders, so I’ve had to resign myself to using and 18 or 20 pattern size (upper bust measurement) and doing a full bust adjustment).
I’ve been sewing lots of knit things and lots of kimono sleeves 🙂
You are a goddess!!!!! THANK YOU!!!
I like Made By Rae’s Washi Dress pattern. It’s not drafted for bigger boobs but has a high waist and it’s gathered with elastic thread shirring so it ends up being super forgiving. Plus there are a ton of variations so if you do suck it up and do a fba you can use that pattern piece to make a bunch of different dresses that don’t all look the same.
I like to go the opposite route when I’m low on inspiration – rather than start with a pattern, I find an outfit or garment I like in a catalog or blog somewhere and browse for a pattern that would make a good knock-off. And I save them on Pinterest so I don’t have to start from scratch when I’m in the mood for a project.
Also I find some versions of an FBA to be less of a burden than others. All the pattern adjustments in the Colette book made the most visual sense to me for some reason. That’s assuming you can’t find a multi-cup-size pattern which is even better! Good luck!!
I think all Colette patterns are cut to a C-cup. The designs are simplistic, but there’s some real winners there. https://www.colettepatterns.com/
I love Colette! I made the laurel in a woven with an FBA, but then converted it for a knit & I love it! No adjustment necessary- and I just used my machine’s zig zag & a double needle, no need for a serger. It looks great, if I do say so myself.
My mom is visiting for the week. It is alternately “yay, catching up with mom! Good conversations!” and “oh my god there she goes judging me and assuming my incompetence again, and if I try to tell her to stop she will get offended and make it about how I am being terrible by thinking she could possibly be a bad person in any way”. Ugh.
ugh I hear that. Sending you strong thoughts of a fun week.
I practice a lot (A LOT) of redirection with my mom, and also I try to remember that she literally taught me how to walk and use a spoon, so seeing me be a wildly competent adult is still a real mindblower for her.
Are you my sister? Because yeah, that’s exactly how hanging out with my mom goes. Good luck.
“Mom, you did such a good job raising me, I’m actually more than competent in this area. Thanks, Mom.”
Then redirect. Bonus points for repeating verbatim for subsequent judgmental comments.
And Jedi hugs because this is rough stuff. Good luck.
GYM/EXERCISE/ACTIVE-NESS THREAD!
Tell us about the ways you were awesome this week. New program? New PR? Changed gyms? Whatever, tell us. We wants to know, precioussss
I’ve been so bad about exercise for about a year, so I’m trying to make myself do it again. I did some treadmill + stuff last weekend and will again this weekend (also doyogawithme.com is great for free yoga video instruction).
I would love to go back to jujitsu, but the place I’d like to go is pretty hardcore and I don’t want to die immediately upon returning.
I held a plank for thirty-five seconds this week. (My jerk friend — we had friends join us for our walk and kettlebell workout this week — then said “Oh no, planks are the very worst, I haven’t done this in like three years and will definitely suck at it!” and then held one for a full minute. Dick.)
Also, I finally actually canceled the money-sucking gym membership that I do not use! Good job, me.
I started doing a youtube series–30 days of Yoga from Yoga with Adriene. I’m only on day 7 but I’ve been sticking with it and it feels good to actually get up early for the sake of moving around.
I got down to the second-skinniest band for strict pull ups! Did 5 sets of 3. Now will try 5 sets of 5, and then go down to THE skinniest band! Perhaps a full unassisted strict pull up by the end of summer?
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh JELIS! GO YOU!
Congrats!
I had my first appointment with my personal trainer. It went well, she spent lots of time reminding me to tighten my core, and today I am sore in all sorts of new places!
That’s the best feeling – DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness). Good work 🙂
I was feeling pretty down early this week when my recently-resumed yoga practice made the sciatic nerve issue on the right flare up, but my PT guy says that since we’ve made such progress on the torn left labrum, we’re spending the next month focusing on getting that nerve and the disc that’s irritating it calmed down. FUCK YEAH PROGRESS!
I hiked Arthur’s Seat the hard way, not realizing that there was a paved path almost all the way to the top, so instead I took the vertiginous stairs up through the Salisbury Crags. Many “oh just gonna stop and admire the scenery” gasping-for-breath stops were involved, then I was shamed by the sight of a gentleman who took the same route while carrying a toddler on his shoulders. But since my week had also involved long days in the saddle AND a bout with noro, the climb felt like a proper victory.
I’ve only climbed Arthur’s Seat once (on a visit to Edinburgh about five years ago), but I loved it. Didn’t take the stairs, though. That’s hardcore!
I tried using kettlebells for the first time this week! Am still a little unsure of my form, but I like it so far and I’ve been trying to find good videos to watch for instruction/inspiration.
Other than that, I’ve been hitting the gym two or three times a week for the past two months, which is WAY more than usual for me, and I’m trying to make this a Thing That I Just Do Now.
I biked 30 miles yesterday! Not all at once (it was to+from work, and then to+from a friend’s house), but it was still a hefty workout.
That’s like 50km! WOWOWOW!! Nice work!
After years of lifting haphazardly on my own, I’m starting at the Crossfit gym by my office next week!
Congrats! Have fun and enjoy getting stronk like bull!
Oh I can’t wait to hear how it goes! I’ve had a really great experience with Crossfit!
For the first time since……traumatizing grade-school experience with ballet?…..I took a group fitness class at the dance center where I do Pilates sessions with a trainer. I always assume I’ll be the worst, least fit, slowest to learn, clumsiest, blah blah blah in the class and somehow got over my self-consciousness this week and (gulp) did a 90-minute stretch/yoga and core-conditioning class. The class was very small (one benefit of trying something in August when half the city is out of town), the instructor was encouraging and clear and very nice, and I DID IT and it was FUN and I could DO THIS EVERY WEDNESDAY IF I WANT TO, yay me!
Hey GruntledDave, how do you find a personal trainer. I’ve been having troubles with OTHER THINGS, so I haven’t been lifting, but also, I was straining my knees when I was lifting earlier this year. I’ve look up “personal trainers” on Google, for my area, but there’s only one or two that showed up. What’s another method of finding them? Gyms, YMCA, The Bat Signal, what? Help!
So, um… I don’t know. 🙁
I mean, I just decided to go to the gym and lift, and after flailing around for a bit, I bought Starting Strength and did a linear progression for about 5 months, and then I moved to the Texas Method for like a year, and then I jacked around with 5/3/1 for a long while, and then I finally contacted a my current coach (Jacob Cloud), who I knew was a coach in my general area based on some of his writing for a website I used to frequent. So, now I coach a bunch of people, and I have my own coach (which is a good idea, just as a lawyer shouldn’t represent themselves).
But.. finding someone without all that malarkey… hm. I’m not much help there.
Luckily, the always-excellent Krista Scott-Dixon wrote an article about this that might help.
Thanks! I have places to start. I may just contact a physical therapist first, and in the meantime, do the elliptical machine to build muscle. Krista Scott-Dixon’s article was great, I’ve never heard of the Texas Method but now I know … so all in all, thank you, very much!
I have noticed that I am always the sweatiest person at the gym by the time I’m done. Mainly due to generally being a sweaty person, not effort, but still it makes me happy!
My new apartment is a few blocks away from a park. This morning I got myself out the door in time for an 8:30 a.m. exercise class in the park. Nothing really strenuous, just alternating walking with stretching and leg lifts and balancing exercises and things. But I was very proud of myself for doing that early on a Saturday morning, and I may make a habit of it in the future. Plus, tree-lined paths next to the Hudson are a much nicer setting than a gym.
Hello Toasties! I have several items of news!
I am finally divorced! 😀 It went through last week, and I’m still sort of processing things a bit. Like, when she emails me, do I have to email back? Nope! I can just completely ignore her now and my life will get so much better as a result.
The transition process is still ongoing. I’m excited that I can actually get my name and stuff changed now that I am divorced. I have yet to work up the spoons to go through the courts again so soon after the divorce, but it is nice that I am back in control of things.
Lastly, my wonderful personfriend ginkgotree just had her tonsils out. I’ve been making sure she has a constant supply of tea and soft foods, and hopefully she will be mended soon.
– Congratulations!
– Congratulations!
– You are a wonderful personfriend for helping her. Mouth/throat surgeries are the worst.
Divorce is the BEST. Congratulations!
Make sure our ginkgotree gets some protein and lots of calories in there, not just sugar. I had mine out a couple of years ago and after about 4 days there was some hangry DRAMA because my mother just kept feeding me pureed sweet potatoes and and pudding and my blood sugar was all over the place. Try chicken broth with a couple of eggs stirred in (like egg drop soup). then you can slurp it down without chewing.
The egg drop soup idea is exactly what I’ve been doing the past couple days! I also added some spinach on ginkgotree’s request, though I typically wouldn’t. She’s also been eating scrambled eggs occasionally, though tea and water and rice pudding are frequently on the menu. 🙂
You are amazing and good.
Thank you!
ocwut! Happy to see you here, and ecstatic that you have achieved personal goals. Damn, you’re amazing! And so wise to wait for spoons to accumulate. Courage and congratulations.
Please tell ginkgotree I am thinking of her, wishing her soothing, nourishment, and healing. Please hug each other for me.
I passed your message along. 🙂 Thank you for your kind words!
Aw congrats to you! I am getting divorced next week and – though i missed this one – will happily commiserate w/you in next week’s open thread! Did you do collaborative divorce or mediation or something more “traditional”?
Congratulations to you too! We did a no-fault divorce without attorneys because we had no kids and literally no assets. It was cheaper to do it that way, but it took longer because of my ex’s lack of time and attention.
Pelmeni!!! I am eating vareniki with sour cream and am glad to have stumbled into the zeitgeist. (Also, I just moved to Tartu, in Estonia. Is anyone anywhere nearby?)
I just moved out of Tartu two weeks ago. 🙂 How do you like it? It’s a small town but I really enjoyed the two years I spent there. Also, do you happen to speak Estonian?
Oh rats, I forgot to say thank you to winterbymorning for the postcard! I LOVE IT.
Toasts, this may be buried but I need some serious help here. If anyone has any advice, it would be greatly appreciated.
My very close friend of many years has slowly been cutting me out of her life, for what seems to be the Very Worst Reason in the World: a man. She had been single for a long time before she met said man, and we were very happy for her when it seemed like she had finally met the right one. However, after many years of closeness, she became MIA much more often and dismissed suggestions for meeting him, double dates, etc. So far I can say that in the nigh year and a half they’ve been together, I’ve physically seen and talked to him only a handful of times. I have no idea who this guy is, really, besides the fact that he is a cisgendered white man with children from a previous marriage. They just got married two weeks ago and neither I nor several of her closest friends were invited. She told all of us that her wedding was “strictly family only” but ended up being fairly good sized with a few old friends sprinkled in for good measure. She would complain about how she didn’t even want a wedding to us, but the complaining felt disingenuous and for our benefit anyway, as in “Oh, it’s going to be such a pain, I don’t even want to do this, I just want to be married!” Which, sure, I’m all for doing what you want. But being removed from someone’s life for so long and then getting excluded from an important day that we had talked about in the past feels like too much. I thought I was ok with it until after that weekend; I feel like I’ve completely lost her and I don’t know what to do.
It should be said that she is very very sensitive and extremely self-conscious, to the point of breakdown if she senses that people are talking about her or are angry with her. I’ve avoided talking to her about this because she’s been a ball of nerves and anxiety since she got engaged. We’re talking Xanax and whiskey every night kind of anxiety. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to contribute to her issues, but I also am at the point where it’s wrecked anyway, why not get it off my chest?
Sorry this is long. Tl;dr – My friend is excluding me from her life and her anxiety issues are keeping me from having a serious talk with her.
Oooof. So, I dunno, but a lot of these details might point to abuse. It’s one thing to kind of disappear when you meet someone new who’s really great, but to even keep you and several of your other friends out of the wedding seems like a big warning for abusive issues on the part of the husband. I may be totally off base here! But if I’m not…my advice is not to push for having a serious talk right now. Let her know you’re around and would love to get together when she can. Obviously set your own boundaries as far as how invested in her you want to be, but she might need to know that she can come to you, even if she’s going to keep away for who knows how long.
I had a friend in a similar situation recently and I know it totally blows. Take care.
MTE.
Best wishes, paisleyLo. This sounds all around like a bad situation.
This is my advice exactly. All of this is pinging my abuse radar hardcore. If she’s being abused it would be really really crappy to sit her down and have a Serious Talk. If this is a friendship you want to save if/when it’s save-able make yourself available to her. Keep inviting her to things you know she won’t come to and don’t give her a hard time when she doesn’t come. If this isn’t a relationship you want to save I think it might be kindest to ghost.
Thanks everyone. This totally breaks my heart, but you’re right. Ugh, this kind of thing is never easy, is it.
It SUCKS, it really, really does. Hugs.
Oh man, that sounds really really tough. I know she has anxiety issues, but it sounds like it’s long past time to use your words with her. I think you can bring up what’s going on with her without making it about her as a person, which may help keep the brain snakes down (e.g., I would like to spend more time together vs. you never make time for me anymore). You can also check out Captain Awkward for some advice and scripts on how to repair friendships. I don’t blame you for feeling hurt and upset about all of this. I hope things in her world are…..safe, and that this isolation is just some new relationship stuff and not symptomatic of a Bad Situation.
You know, it’s funny (terrifying?) that you and Urspostrophe would both mention abuse, because in talking to my mother about this, she said the same thing – didn’t even hesitate. Which, yes, this kind of thing obviously does happen and is certainly possible in this case, but my brain kind of doesn’t want to go there, you know? Not that I would ever mention it to her, but I don’t want to blow this out of proportion in my own mind.
I don’t think you’re blowing it out of proportion. This is throwing up so many red flags I feel like you should also be keeping an eye out for wildfires in your area.
Not to mention that she is so stressed–I think one of the warning signs for being in a darth vader relationship is if the victim is really anxious and tense all the time?
I was only about 20% through your post when I was like “uhhhh it sounds like she’s being isolated and it’s heading in a potentially abusive direction.” Pink flags sometimes turn into red flags, which means she may really need you at some point. I’m sending you good vibes – she’s lucky to have a friend who cares.
I don’t think you’re blowing it out of proportion. Those little persistent voices in our heads that tell us that something is amiss are there for a reason, and often notice things that our thinking brains don’t notice. The best thing you can do is reassure her you still like her and want to spend time with her, and keep the lines open. This has the benefit of being the right move in either situation 🙂
Ouch, that sounds painful. The way you feel is completely understandable– excluding someone from your wedding after talking about inviting them? Yeah, anyone would be a little peeved/upset.
You should talk to her. As a person with a lot of pretty severe anxiety issues myself, I really appreciate directness! There are any number of reasons she could be doing this, and it’s possible she didn’t even realize it was happening herself until it was too late, and now she’s worried you’re mad at her! Or… not. But you won’t know either way until you talk to her. Like you said, you’ve got nothing to lose, and you deserve an explanation. Good luck.
I’m sorry. I don’t have much advice, but you have my sympathies. I had a close friend who became engaged to a very controlling dude and who progressively cut us out of her life. We tried talking to her (shut down), we tried staging a group intervention (couldn’t get her to come to us alone or at all), and on and on. Beyond letting her know that I was there for her and was worried about particular changes in her behavior, there wasn’t a lot I could do. The hardest part for me was learning to be okay with that distance and to resist the urge to sacrifice my own well-being to her problems (my friends are few by close). She left him eventually, and we’re closer now than at the time, for which I’m very grateful, but that ultimately had very little to do with what I did or didn’t do.
As a very anxious person myself (whiskey and I are oh so well-acquainted), I can only reiterate that those worries and coping mechanisms are not something you can fix for her. If you are staying in touch with her, reminding her that she can rely on you, reminding her that there are people outside this relationship who love her, and that there are ways of coping with her struggles that are healthier, you are giving her as much as you can right now and possibly more than she is ready to hear. That’s a pretty shitty place to be, I know. I wish you both all the best, and I’m sure I speak for our fellow Toasties when I say that I’m here for you.
Thank you, it’s no small comfort to know that others have gone through this too.
<3
I actually have been texting her as a result of this thread, and we’re having the first really frank discussion about it we’ve ever had. awkward but cathartic.
you’re not alone. 🙂
It’s the last weekday before my book releases on Monday and aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
My nerves, people. MY NERVES. I am essentially a startled rabbit in human form right now.
Tell me tales of anticipation and fear that ended well? Help remind me that, in fact, my anxiety isn’t going to kill me over the weekend?
YAY! Congrats!! I have no help for the anxiety thing, it is my constant struggle, and the reason I have given up caffeine.
Do not die from nerves. Think of all the celebratory champagne you’d miss!
Is there no reading thread yet or have I missed it? If not, what is everyone reading now? I’ve been on an Agatha Christie kick for the past week or so. But I may have to finish up soon because with reading so many books in a row, it’s glaringly obvious that in basically every book at some point she makes it a point to say that someone looks Jewish or has a Jewish nose or whatever in a way that’s very “not to be anti-semitic or anything JUST SAYIN’ IS ALL”.
I’m starting a Josephine Tey re-read and am facing a similar problem. “The murderer is probably a LEVANTINE type, if you know what I mean”, sigh.
The first Peter Wimsey book (the only one that I’ve read so far) does a similar thing, but when describing the dead body. There’s definitely something to be said for those things jumping out more (and getting more annoying) once you’ve read a few in a row though.
I’m working my way through that at the moment, and there’s also a weird strain of “Well, I know we’re not supposed to be biased against Jewish people, so I’ll throw a few nice things in too but only grudgingly” running alongside it.
The Tey book that really got to me was The Franchise Affair. There’s just so much. . .glee about a teenage girl getting beat up.
Oof that’s on the pile and I didn’t remember reading it in the past. Maybe it will move to the bottom of the pile.
In general I don’t think it’s one of the stronger ones, fwiw. . .it’s based on a real case from the 1700s (Elizabeth Canning, iirc) and except maybe for the “old lady” character, I didn’t find the cast as much fun as most of the other books. (I have a soft spot for Brat Farrar besides The Daughter of Time, and Miss Pym Disposes gets to me in an interesting way, not an eye-rolling one, usually.)
And it’s so enthusiastic about face-reading. People with that colour eyes are always up to no good.
I’m about halfway through A Thousand Acres by Jane Smiley and am really enjoying it. It’s kind of slow, but really engaging, I think the slowness can be attributed to the heavy subject matter.
I finished the audiobook for Travels with Charley on Wednesday, and it was good despite it being very much a “man has midlife crisis and goes on a roadtrip to find himself”. It was kind of sad to see that so many of the negative observations Steinbeck was making about the United States are still relevant today, more than 50 years later. I’ve just started listening to the audiobook for Shadow and Bone by Leigh Bardugo this morning which is very different from A Thousand Acres, and which I’m still unsure about.
(also, sidenote, I changed my intensedebate profile name from galaxiesglitter to this to match my twitter and most of my other social media accounts. Just to make it easier for me to remember myself!)
My parents and I read “Travels with Charley” out loud when we were on a long roadtrip. It was a great setting for it.
I listened to the audiobook while commuting to and from work, and reading it in the car was definitely the right setting! It would have been perfect if I were listening to it while on a roadtrip though!
Yay reading thread I can actually post in! I just read Alif the Unseen which was GREAT. The protagonist was just meh, but DINA. DINA. The fiercest! Also, Vikram 🙁
Now I’m reading the Circle of Magic series by Tamora Pierce. It’s fun, and I’m excited to know that Textual Gays Are Coming (apparently so many people came up to her to thank her for the obvious subtext gay characters that she was like “dang, better put some in for REAL for real”, which is an awesome reaction, I think) but it does move a bit slow, especially in comparison to the Defender of the Small series, which is the only other stuff of hers I’ve read.
Circle of Magic is the only series by her that I haven’t read! (It first came out while I was in my “I’m 16 and oh so adult so of course I’m not going to read a fantasy YA book” phase, which I am thankfully now fully over, but I haven’t gotten back to read it yet). I loved all her other stuff though, so I’m sure I’ll eventually pick up that series too.
I loved Dina! And VIKRAM, oh Vikram 🙁 also had an enormous soft spot for NewQuarter, lovable little shit that he was.
YAAAAS Dina! And Vikram. And Sheikh Bilal! I really loved that book.
I just started rereading Lorrie Moore’s Self Help because it’s my favorite and everything she writes turns to gold.
I’m still working away at Bleak House. Page 700/900! It’s my Summer of Long Reads. I have time for one more- any recommendations? Those long ones that you just never get around to reading unless you formally declare a Summer of Long Reads? Before this I read Anna Karenina.
I know the USA trilogy by Dos Passos is like 1000 pages and I remember really liking it when I read it, though I couldn’t actually tell you what it was about anymore. And A Suitable Boy by Vikram Seth is also 1000+ but I remember it didn’t feel like that. It felt like a shorter read than it actually is.
I did my undergrad thesis on Bleak House. If you want to geek out about dickensian details, count me in! That’s one of my “old friend” books.
I love Dickens but Wilkie Collins has the correct antidote to his female characters. No Name, preferably, or Man and Wife.
I just finished The Fifth Season by N.K. Jemisin and it is so so so so good. Amazing epic fantasy with three separate storylines from woman at different stages of life, in a world wracked by natural disasters. Just so good.
Ooh, I want to read it, but I also kind of feel like I should wait because it’s part of a series. What was your impression? I feel like with her first series (the Hundred Thousand Kingdoms) , it didn’t really matter if there was a gap between reading each book, but it would have totally lost me if I’d tried that with her Dreamblood series.
It’s not as self-contained as the Hundred Thousand Kingdom series and I’m very used to fantasy series that leave me wanting more. It definitely has a strong ending that left me wanting more, but enough of a pay off for me to be happy I read it even though I have to wait a while for the next book in the series. I did not mind waiting for her Dreamblood series, however.
Oooh this one is going on my list.
Yesssssss so amazing. I spent the whole last third of the book yelling silently at my computer screen (I read it as an ebook at work, look, do not judge me, that is not the kind of book you put down).
I had sort of guessed the major plot twists and when it turned out I was mostly right, I was so excited I was jumping up and down in my apartment and scaring my cats. So well done.
Shadowshaper. I am reading it s l o w l y because I’m afraid that I’ll blink and it’ll be over. It’s really good!
this is what I’m currently reading! Agree, it is good.
Oh yay! I just bought it but have yet to start in on it. Glad to hear it’s a good read.
Reading the new Robin Hobb fantasy novel–already cannot wait for the next book. I should only start series after they are complete. *side-eye for GRRM*
If you like Christie you might consider checking out Mignon Eberhart who, at one point, shared almost the same degree of popularity but has more or less fallen into obscurity these days. I chanced upon a copy of The Dark Garden when I was staying in this old, converted barn in West Virginia and liked the title enough to take it home with me. The plot was fairly ludicrous, but I thought the characters were well-drawn. Kirkus Reviews has it down: “Blackmail by astrology; drugs, murders that appear to be accidents.” The main character had been a businesswoman who lost her money in the Depression and I found the ruminations on financial trouble particularly applicable to, you know, the current era.
Right now I am reading Michelle Moran’s Nefertiti because I love ancient Egyptian fiction: palace intrigue and heresy are a good, late summer combo.
I’ve just started Kraken by China Mieville and am loving it. I liked Un Lun Dun, started Perdido Street Station but never got going on it and stopped, but Kraken is blowing me away.
Kraken is my favorite of his! I love the whole concept of triangulating divinations.
I haven’t read Kraken, but I also gave up on Perdido Street. Have you read City and City? That’s the book I love! Also, any recommendations for book/books to read on 24 hour plane journeys?
Cryptonomicon still. I am loving the portions dealing with WWII & Turing. The things that I’m rushing through as fast as possible and not really digging is the modern day portion about the Internet/ data haven in the Philipines.
I liked the book, but as an academic who likes romantic novels, I disliked the sneering tone toward the ex.
I have twenty library books checked out and a huge shelf of books of my own to read and I am re-reading Shadow Unit, which I haven’t actually done since it started coming out in 2007. It’s serial fiction (styled as a tv show, so “episodes”) about a specialized FBI unit that deals with Gammas, who are basically people who have some kind of superpower that they happen to be using for murder. I spent all of 2007 and 2008 basically obsessed with these fictional people (several of them had Livejournals) and it’s like hanging out with old friends again.
Because my books are all packed, I am reading on my Kindle, and as an adult I am adoring the high school/adult Betsy Tacy books I have never read since my whole library system only had 1, 2, and 4. They are absolutely delightful.
Making my way through the NEW shelf in the library. Finished Go Set a Watchman and am grateful that Harper Lee’s editor steered her towards writing about Scout’s childhood instead of her immature, whiny, judgmental adulthood (no, I didn’t particularly like the book). Am six pages away from the end of Joyce Carol Oates’ latest The Sacrifice, a fictionalization of the Tawana Brawley case in the 1980s. I have some issues with JCO’s depiction of African-Americans, as I usually do.
I just finished Jeanette Winterson’s “The Daylight Gate”; a relatively quick read by an A-MAZING author. Good if anyone has a passing interest in, say, witches, magic, light erotica or the Jacobean years.
I LOVE Gone-Away World. You are in for a wild ride 😀 (I also agree that The Three-Body Problem is weirdly terrifying.)
I recommend Inda (and the rest of the series) by Sherwood Smith. It can be a bit to get into at the start–there’s a ton of characters. But it’s set in a world that humans colonized a long, long time ago, long enough that no one remembers (honestly, I think I got this information from the author’s website) and it was a group of women who first learned how to use magic.
This is a world of people whose values and attitudes were shaped by women. They made a few radical changes–women are infertile by default; if they want to get pregnant, they have to eat this one super-common herb. But! Pregnancy doesn’t even need to enter into maintaining the family line; there’s a spell people (any people, it doesn’t have to be a man and a woman) can recite, and if it works a baby will just pop into their arms. I know this sounds goofy, but it changes everything. Women have just as much sexual freedom as men. No one has to have sex with someone they don’t want to for the sake of having children (because political marriages are very much a thing). There’s even one book, set in the same universe but 400 years after the Inda series, where the protagonist is asexual and it’s no big deal.
These books have all the adventure and excitement and worldbuilding complexity of, oh, say, Game of Thrones, with none of the rape and faux medieval Europe crap. I cannot say enough good things about this series.
Super-stressful morning in the library where I’ve got 17 different things going on at once. Angry at myself for not making my needs known to people who could help me with some of that and then resenting them for not helping. But why wouldn’t you see my stress, comment on it and not say, “what can I do?” when you are My Fucking Employee?? ugh. I hate running around, being pulled in 20 directions at once, and most of all I hate being resentful (trying to watch myself so I don’t passive aggressively say something I will regret). Also just generally angry at situation stuff–lack of room, lack of resources, this whole thing falling on me when it’s not really my department (on a normal day it’s fine, I don’t mind doing my part but I just. can’t. today)
Anger does that; it breeds like freaking Gremlins given food after midnight (or whatever pop culture reference fits). I’m a very angry person in general, and the best thing I can do is acknowledge it and work out why – which you have done! – and then remind myself what I’d say to someone else in the same situation. Which I can do now! It’s a sucky difficult and draining position to be in, called to deal with other people’s shit and other people’s lack of responsibility/empathy/pro-activity. Give yourself a bonus point for everyone you’ve not set on fire yet.
I have a new work schedule, so I now work 8 hours W-S, instead of 7 hours T-S. I only have to survive today and tomorrow, and then I have three entire days off!
Also, I’m eating food for which I was actually hungry, which is a first this week. I’ve been eating my feelings, and eating because I require food to live, but I haven’t actually felt hungry (except for chocolate, salt, and fat). It’s been a long, shitty week, is what I’m saying.
On a related note, men who catcall are terrible. Men who catcall while you’re pushing a non-working moped up a hill should be set on fire.
Oh, my friend, I’m sorry about your pretty blue moped. Will she accept a simple/quick/cheap solution and agree to behave herself again soon? And yes, men who catcall are terrible. It calls for a look that can kill. But don’t kill them too quickly. Make sure they suffer a while first. I am happy for your improved schedule and appetite.
I’m pretty sure it’s the fuel filter. I’ve taken it out, and am going to bring it to various auto repair places before work tomorrow, in hopes that somebody can provide me with one that isn’t terrible. And then I’m going to put that in, and hope that everything works again. I’m told fuel filters are under $10, so if that’s the problem, I should be able to have her going again fairly soon, and once again be able to go uphill.
And I couldn’t summon a look that could kill, since at this point I’d pushed it probably 1/2 a mile all told, and it was really hot out, and I actually thought I was dying. I had to abandon it around the corner from my house and come back for it later, since I just couldn’t face the last hill. Fortunately, letting it sit for an hour gave it time to relax, so I managed to get enough power to get up the hill, into my neighborhood, and down the hill to my house.
I will also say that most of the people I encountered on my long trip home were very nice, and it was only a couple of student-age guys who were deserving of fire and pain. There are plenty of good Samaritans left, especially in August when you’re pushing a vehicle up a hill.
Update: the guy at Rent-A-Center (where they sell scooters, apparently) gave me a fuel filter for free, because it’s larger than the old one, and he had a ton on hand. I’ve put that in the scooter, and it’s running fine at the moment. I’m going to take it for a slightly longer ride tomorrow, with slightly more hills. So I’m calling it a tentative win so far.
The RAC guy almost makes up for the catcalling dimwits. Go little blue scooter! I’m happy for you, Unreadaethel.
I am never, ever, ever again making a purchase of this magnitude over the internet again. This is what I’ve learned from this whole bullshit experience.
Also that privileged 20-something white guys are the worst, but I already knew that.
Super late to this, but thanks to everyone who replied to my thread about hobbies and things last week! All your responses were wonderfully inspiring, and led to me crocheting a tiny octopus (pic below, unless I’ve managed to screw up the embedding) and making an experimental batch of sauerkraut and starting a re-read of the Aubrey/Maturin series by Patrick O’Brian and generally feeling better about myself as a person who does stuff. 🙂
Mental health GOOD NEWS thread? in a comment.
I am delighted to report finally that my spouse seems to have finally come across a medication that is effective for his poor jumbled brain. I am sure I’ve said this before, but I think it’s really true this time, because here are some things HE has never said before, but is saying now: “I just realized I don’t deserve to be depressed” and “I like music again! Wow!”
At the risk of being super sappy, y’all have been so important to me in getting through this process of trying to figure out how to support him and still not lose myself. I love you all. <3
Yaaaay! I’m so happy for both of you!
Excellent news! Phew and yay!
“I just realized I don’t deserve to be depressed” and “I like music again! Wow!
💗
my grinchy ol’ heart just grew three sizes
That is fantastic news!!! Being the partner to a person with depression can be so hard (said as someone who has been on both sides of that line, sometimes simultaneously). Especially when said person either resists seeking care or the care they find isn’t adequate. SO HARD. Congrats to you on the likely light at the end of the tunnel!
So very happy for you and your mister!
Hey, Toasties! I feel like I’m never around for this anymore, but I wanted to pop in to say all is well and I miss you nerds.
I’ve been attending a running club put on by the recently-opened local distillery, and it has been fantastic and has led to making new friends, which is such a sadly rare thing for adult-me, and I’m so happy about it! I’ve also been really leaning in to the volunteer work I do, and finding it very fulfilling in a way that it hadn’t been for quite some time, so that’s lovely.
Anyway, this is just to say hello and I hope you’re all doing fabulously.
Distillery running club?? That sounds fantastic!
It IS fantastic! A shot, a two-to-three mile run, and then a nice, tasty, cold cocktail afterward. Can’t beat it!
A woman and her tattoos: http://themuse.jezebel.com/a-life-story-in-tattoo…
Now I’m mostly settled in my new place, I’ve been making the America Test Kitchen’s gluten free sandwich bread, and it’s soft and wonderful and tastes like real bread, and is so perfect with avocado and fresh garden tomatoes and a bit of salt and pepper. My partner man is going out of town for a while and I genuinely think this might be all I eat. I got a nice Sauvignon Blanc to go with it, and I’m going to pick up N.K. Jemisin’s new book on the way home, and probably will take some cool mineral baths and what more could a person want? Not hardly a thing.
So I was trying Couch to 5K again because I can’t shake the feeling that running is a thing I’m supposed to do even though I do other gym things. I was trying to take it slow because I am really NOT a runner (seriously: short legs, long torso, stupid knees, no wonder I was a swimmer way back when) and the last time I ran on a treadmill I ended up with plantar fasciitis and went through podiatrist visits and a course of PT.
Despite my caution I think I’ve hurt my foot again. It’s the other foot this time, so yay?
Is there any way I can get out of doing the whole treatment rigamarole again? Rest my foot for a bit and then do my old PT exercises maybe? Going to the podiatrist for me is kind of like what going to the dentist is for others: every one I’ve ever been to has been weirdly critical.
Larger question: should I just give up on trying to run? I like it as an efficient workout but it also seems I’m not physically suited for it.
I have bad knees and in the past my PT doc always just recommended the elliptical machine as a much gentler but effective machine. The trouble being, I own a treadmill (friend’s cast off from a big move) but I do not own an elliptical. I occasionally hobble along on it.
Yeah, that is what I’m thinking. The bonus on the elliptical is that I can read.
The first time I went to my orthopedist (because I’d fallen off my shoes and sprained my knee while somehow being stone cold sober) he thought I was there about the little crackle noises my knees make and he was all “welcome to your 30s.” Little did he know that those crackles and I have been acquainted for at least 20 years.
I also seem to have way more wear and tear when I get into running than other sports. Have you tried an indoor rower? It’s a GREAT workout!
StrengthRunning dot com has a very good set of resources on injury prevention. Discovered them when I was coming through PT after rolling my ankle and tearing something in it during a run.
Hopefully your foot gets better soon! I have no PT advice.
But I hate running – I’m not the most fit person ever, but I do like to work out, and I would do basically anything other than run. Bike, swim, hike, lift heavy, dance, etc. Plus running can be tough on your joints.
Why do it? If you’re not physically suited for it, I would say just do something else. There are so many ways to work out.
I was a distance runner all of my 20s. Toward the end of that decade, I complained to my doc that I was spending more time recovering from injury than the time I was able to run between injuries. My doc led me through the obvious reasons my body was never meant for running. Would have been great at rugby, if girls had been allowed to learn/play when I was a kid, but running? Not this strong but slow body.
Then. Then … he paused long enough to get my attention and said, “But mostly it’s because you’re past 30 now. Older bodies heal slower. And are more prone to re-injury.” Fakely, this doc was younger than me and I wanted to hate him for this. But it was true, for me.
Best to listen to your body. Mine was telling me very clearly I was done running. It was a good decade, but it’s in the past. Low impact for me now. Run a bit and ask your body to help you listen to it. Accept what your body tells you about running or any other activity.
I just need to do a quick run-by thank you for the book rec last week, katenepveu! It’s really good so far!
Happy Friday, Toasties!
We have an unprecedented glut of zucchini in our garden. It’s the first time we’ve had any success with them at all, so I am determined to enjoy them as thoroughly as possible, which means making All the Zucchini Dishes.
So far I have had two completely failed efforts at making zucchini bread. Both times it came out like a wet brick–really disgusting. Does anyone have a tried-and-true Excellent Zucchini Bread Recipe to share?
Actually, any other Excellent Zucchini Recipes would be welcome as well. Thank you!
EAT DIS http://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1013578-yotam-…
My Grandma makes the BEST zucchini bread. Sadly I don’t have the recipe and she’s not great with email. Ask again on the Open Thread sometime around Hanukah and I might be able to get it from her? I guess your zucchini problem will be gone by then. Sorry.
Oh man I guess I just gotta get Plenty because people keep saying the recipes are amazing–I will give this one a try, thank you!
I may be the lone voice in the wilderness on this one, but my advice (having cooked out of all of his books) would be to get it from the library and give it a test drive first.
Don’t get me wrong, there are some completely delicious things in all of his books (the eggplant with za’atar and bulgur from “Jerusalem,” for instance) , but I’ve found that there are also recipes that just…don’t work or are too fiddly or the payoff isn’t worth the prep time.
This is wise advice. Especially since I will be moving in the next few months and the last thing I need is another cookbook!
Absolutely agree. I’ve said this before, but another problem I have with Plenty and Plenty More is that the recipes tend to be awfully fiddly and yet don’t really make a whole meal. If you cook meat, they would probably make really great side dishes to a simple roast or sautee, but by themselves they just aren’t quite enough.
I’m a big big fan of this turkey and zucchini meatball recipe, from Ottolenghi’s “Jerusalem”: http://acozykitchen.com/turkey-zucchini-meatballs… I think technically they are described as burgers in the actual cookbook, but I usually have them as meatballs.
Also, my mom recently made this (noodleless) zucchini lasagna – very tasty (and RICH, ow my stomach): http://www.chow.com/recipes/30280-noodleless-zucc…
Ottolenghi again! OK, these look fantastic. I will give the meatballs a try–thank you!
I dunno if my parents would go for noodleless lasagna–they are pretty much lasagna purists (down to the homemade noodles) but if I can catch them in a moment of vulnerability, I will sneak it in there!
When I had it, I didn’t even think of it as lasagna – it’s more like a cheesy, saucy zucchini casserole 😉 But yes, definitely try the meatballs! one of my old standbys.
Zucchini pancakes! http://markbittman.com/recipe/vegetable-pancakes/
You have to plan ahead a bit so you can salt/drain as much water from your zucchini as possible. And mine generally end up closer to patties than a batter but I like them better like that anyways!
Yes, these are one of my successes! Love this recipe. Especially that it’s adaptable to all kinds of vegetables.
Thank you!
Turkish zucchini “pie”/crustless quiche (I love this sooooooo much, but the recipe makes a LOT–you might want to halve it. Aleppo pepper is wonderful stuff–available from Pennzy’s–but you can substitute smoked paprika in a pinch)
2 lbs unpeeled zucchini, ends cut off
1 bunch flat-leaf parsley
1 bunch dill
5 scallions, roots and coarse leaves cut off
1C crumbled feta
1C grated mild cheddar or similar mild white cheese
6 large eggs, beaten
1/2C olive oil
1-1/2C flour
1t baking powder
Aleppo pepper (or hot paprika)
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Spray a 9×13″ baking dish.
Grate zucchini in food processor. Put the zucchini in a very large bowl. Change to regular food processor blade and finely chop parsley, dill, and scallions all together. Add to bowl, along with cheeses. Mix well.
Add eggs, oil, flour, baking powder to vegetables. Mix well.
Pour mixture into the prepared pan. Spread evenly and sprinkle with Aleppo pepper. Bake 30-40 minutes till set. Remove from oven and cool. Serve at room temperature.
Wow, this sounds wonderful. Thank you! Printing it out now.
I like to make wide zucchini “noodles” with a nice, fresh tomato sauce. Mostly I just wing it, but there are instructions here: http://www.williams-sonoma.com/recipe/zucchini-pa…
I always up the garlic content in my fresh sauce though, as you do.
Ditto zucchini noodles. I realize they’re irritatingly popular right now, but they’re popular for a reason.
Nice! Interesting that the zucchini is salted but not cooked, that makes sense (I was wondering how to keep it from falling apart, and roasting it, as @rangiferina suggested, was the only thing I could think of).
I do the cooking for my parents, and unfortunately my mom can’t eat nightshades (my dad and I have tomato sauce and curry when she’s away) but perhaps a cream sauce, or just garlic and parmesan? Right now we have fresh garlic and I am all about it! Something about just-harvested garlic, when it’s crisp and juicy, makes me want to put all of it in everything.
I think that would be great. Even something with a good olive oil, lemon juice & zest, and herbs would be good. Light tasting and bright, but won’t overpower the zucchini. I’d add some microplaned parm and a handful of chopped olives as well.
This is my grandma’s zucchini bread recipe. I often use half whole wheat and half brown sugar and bake them for about an hour.
1 C oil
2 C sugar
3 eggs
1 tbsp vanilla
2 C shredded raw zucchini
3 C flour
1 tsp soda
1 tsp salt
1 tbsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp baking powder
1/2 C chopped nuts (optional)
1 Preheat oven to 350°
2.Whisk together oil, sugar, eggs, and vanilla. Stir in zucchini. Sift together dry ingredients. Gradually stir into zucchini mixture until well mixed. Add nuts.
3. Pour batter into 2 greased loaf pans. Bake 1 hour.
or this Chocolate Zucchini cake is fab, I like it with either cream cheese or a cocoa/sour cream icing
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/choc…
Awesome, thank you! Hooray Grandma! I’ll try it out and report back. (Honestly, I am usually good at baking, so my failures at zucchini bread are frustrating and mystifying.)
I made Joy the Baker’s gluten-free zucchini bread last weekend and it renewed my faith in gluten-free baking. And it freezes really well, so you could make a bunch and keep it!
Tomato zucchini curry is amazing. This is my favorite recipe (although I tend to put far less chili powder in it, because I am a pansy when it comes to spicy foods).
1 ½ lb zucchini
2 TBS oil
½ tsp cumin seeds
½ tsp mustard seeds
1 onion, thinly sliced
2 garlic cloves, crushed
¼ tsp ground turmeric
¼ tsp chili powder
1 tsp ground coriander
1 tsp ground cumin
½ tsp salt
1 TBS tomato puree/ tomato paste
14 oz can chopped tomatoes
2/3 cup water
1 TBS chopped fresh coriander/cilantro
1 tsp garam masala
Chop zucchini and onion. Heat oil in pan. Fry cumin seeds and mustard seeds for 2 minutes, until they splutter. Add sliced onion and crushed garlic, fry for 5-6 minutes. Add turmeric, ground coriander, cumin, and salt. Fry for 2-3 minutes. Add zucchini, stir and cook for 5 minutes.
Mix tomato paste and chopped tomatoes, add to curry with water. Cover and simmer for 10 minutes. Stir in fresh coriander and garam masala. Cook for 5 minutes, until zucchini is tender.
Oh, my. Now this is all I want to eat! Seriously, my mouth is watering.
I’ve made these 5 or 6 times. Once I forgot baking soda. All other times were a complete success: http://allrecipes.com/recipe/zucchini-chocolate-c…
Interesting–I am wondering if my failure came from trying to make large loaves instead of small ones (or muffins). Because this recipe is very similar to the first one I tried. I’ll give it a go–thank you!
I’ve really liked the recipe for zucchini bread from Whole Foods: http://www.wholefoodsmarket.com/recipe/zucchini-b…. I think I normally cut the sugar down to 1/2 cup and it’s still very tasty.
Zucchini carpaccio makes for a nice summer salad: http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/zucc…
I also like the combination of zucchini and bacon. I’ll slice both fairly small, cook them together on the stovetop, and then add to a small pasta like ditalini and eat with copious olive oil and parmesan. Mmmmm.
I do something similar, Pasta with crumbled bulk Italian sausage, sliced sauteed zucchini, and pesto
This is very helpful, thank you!
One of my faves is a version of what I call Default Pasta (the dish I make by default if I can’t think of anything else). Basically, it’s pasta + veg + flavorful meat + garlic + cream. Here’s my favorite zuke version:
1 lb pasta
Some zucchini (like, 3 or 4 small-medium?) cut into half moon or quarter slices, about 1/2″ thick
Crushed garlic (about 3 cloves)
smoked salmon, about 4 oz (OR MORE BECAUSE IT’S DELICIOUS) chopped or just crumbled into bite size bits
1/2 cup-ish dry white wine
1/2 cup-ish heavy cream
Salt and pepper
Olive oil
1. Put a big ol’ pot of water (salted) on to boil, and, in the fullness of time, add the pasta and cook to al dente (maybe a smidge less cooked than you usually would)
2. Meanwhile, heat olive oil in a really big pan (12″ saute or dutch oven) over about medium-high and saute zucchini until sweet, tender, and delicious. I like to add salt when they start to soften up some.
3. When the zuke is nearly done, toss in the garlic and stir around so it doesn’t burn.
4. When you can smell the garlic, dump in the white wine, crank up the heat, and reduce by about 1/2. Turn the heat down to low.
5. In a perfect world, your pasta is done at exactly this point. Drain and dump in the pan with the zukes and garlic. Add the smoked salmon and cream. Grind on a whole bunch of pepper and add salt to taste. Let it sit/simmer briefly until the pasta soaks up the delicious cream and wine sauce.
(Spicy sausage is also good instead of smoked salmon, but I love the sweetness of the salmon and garlic.)
OH YEAH. This will be a hit. Thank you!
Ratatouille! I admit I have not made it but it’s an Idea.
BAY AREA TOASTIES! I will be heading to your fair corner of the world in almost exactly one month!!!
I’ll be staying with my brother in Bernal Heights. I have absolutely no plans so far, except avoiding Fisherman’s Wharf. What I’d really like to do is rent a car for a day or two and visit a state park in the area (I really want to see some redwoods and mountains, y’all.) Are there any nearby you’d recommend? By ‘nearby’, I mean that I’m okay with driving a couple of hours outside the city for a day trip.
And, of course, general recs on neighborhoods/restaurants/scenic vistas are encouraged! I’m off to search previous open threads for more of the same.
There are so many great places!
Outside of San Francisco: Samuel P. Taylor State Park is lovely. There’s also a great short hike called the Tennessee Valley trail in Mill Valley that has lovely fields and hills which dumps you out on the coast. Anything in Marin county is going to be gorgeous and likely close to delicious treats!
Do you want to e-mail? I could probably be much more thorough that way. dbhobart AT gmail
I loved Muir Woods on my San Fran trip! It was an easy drive with some amazing views, and then the park itself was GORGEOUS. A+ redwooding, if you ask me.
Woot!
Go north and make a day around Sauselito? I like walking around checking out the tourist and boutique shops. Also the far edge of SF, like the Presidio and Lands End, are way less crowded and are craggy and cool.
PS I refuse to drive in the city. I just don’t. And I had a car accident there when I broke my rule. It is harder to get around w public transportation on the west side than the tourist areas but still doable.
Muir Woods is the best, concur x 1000. Since you’re staying in Bernal Heights, bernal hill is nice for a little morning walk with great views of the city. In that neighborhood Emmy’s Spaghetti Shack is cute and hip. Definitely go over to the Mission to walk around (bernal heights is a little staid & you can walk to the mission in 10-15 minutes to check out the parts that haven’t been gentrified into oblivion yet ), el farolito has THE BEST burritos & you should probably go there 2-3 times a day. If you head over to Oakland, on Sunday’s there is a Thai temple where monks sell delicious Thai food in exchange for coins (which you exchange for money, I have no idea why but it’s great) hope this helps!
I have a question! How do you find a real estate agent when there’s nobody you trust locally to recommend someone? (I don’t know that many people with houses and the ones that I do know don’t have overwhelming praise for their realtor.) Is there a yelp for realtors? Do I start going to open houses for houses I’ll never buy just to see if I find anybody I like? (I really hope the answer is there’s a website for that, since I’ve already been to a bunch of open houses and not found anyone I particularly liked.) I’m a young single woman so I want someone who will take me seriously.
If you live in or near a large enough metropolitan area, Yelp should actually have real estate agent reviews! Beyond that, I would mosey around town and try to notice which realty offices look clean, well-kept and -branded, and then google the hell outta the ones that seem promising.
When Mr Thuja and I were buying our house, we actually set up appointments with several real estate agents, made a list of questions and then picked based on how we felt about the agent and how they answered our questions/treated us.
I would go to houses in your price range. It’s totally 100% fine that you aren’t going to buy those particular houses but it will let you see both what your budget will buy you and whether the realtor takes you seriously. The number of realtors I could write off right away because they asked me where my husband was or admonished me for being a lookieloo is truly astonishing.
Eta- I totally didn’t see where you said you went to a bunch of open houses. Ummmm…. That’s all I got! Check around agent’s websites and see who mentions enjoying working with first time homebuyers?
Where do you live? There are probably Toasties who can help you with a referral!
I’m probably too late for anyone to see this, but there’s a Pittsburgh meetup tonight at Arsenal Cider House at 6/630pm! (either one really bc I’m awesome at planning things but I will be there at 6)
I have problems with anxiety. I always have–kindergarten stressed me out so much that my mom eventually homeschooled me. But I feel like the anxiety isn’t caused by anything. When I tell people I’m feeling stressed, they ask me what I’m stressed about, but there isn’t really an answer. It’s like it’s always there. Sometimes I can lose myself in a book or the internet and ignore it, sometimes the general level is higher or lower, but it’s always there. Does anyone else feel this way?
Yeah, that’s … anxiety. It can be treated! You don’t have to feel that way all the time.
yeeeeeeaaaah. all of this. i just HAVE anxiety. there’s no cause or reason. i can’t totally talk or therapy myself better. i needed meds. i’m not saying you need meds but if you’ve got anxiety for “no good reason” you may wanna consider it.
What laurenipsum said!! Have you considered checking in with a mental health person about this? It can be scary, but lots of us would be happy to describe the process and our experiences with it if that’s what you would like.
I have been going to a…licensed councilor? I think that’s what she is. But she mostly seems at a loss–when I tell her I’m anxious she asks me what I think is making me anxious, but that feels like the wrong way to go about things. It’s not one thing making me anxious, it’s anxiety hanging around to pounce on anything it’s possible to feel anxious about. And she asks me if I’m getting stuff done–paying bills, doing laundry, going to work, buying food…and I am! She says it seems like I’m handling it well. So I…I don’t know what to do, or what there is even to hope for, treatment-wise.
I think maybe you need to see someone with a stronger medical background. Anxiety doesn’t necessarily have a specific cause, and it’s reasonable to treat it if it’s causing you distress (regardless of whether you’re able to manage things like bill-paying, etc.) I would highly recommend seeking out a good psychiatrist who can prescribe medication.
I would say find a new counselor. It’s great that you can do stuff, but that doesn’t mean you need to feel miserable all the time!
(In the meantime, I’ve found that giving my anxiety a name helped a lot. I literally call it the Nameless Anxiety, and having a name for it helps me recognize when it’s kicking in and get a little distance from it. But that is no substitute for good counseling and possibly drugs.)
I have found Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction groups to be really useful for this stuff*. The texts they suggest are Jon Kabat Zin’s Full Catastrophe Living and Mindfulness for Beginners. In my experience, groups are more effective than just the books–there is something about practicing with other people that clarifies everything for me.
*I take a bunch of drugs and have a team of health care providers for various brain misbehavior. So mindfulness is in no way the only tool I use.
Thank you! The councilor I’m seeing did recommend going to a meditation group, but…doing the research to find one, figure out how to get there, and then do it is a bit more anxiety-producing than I can deal with at the moment. Books, now–books, I can handle.
For a start for meditation, you can download the Headspace app. The initial two week intro is free, and I’ve been working through it for a while. You can listen to each module as many times as you want so it’s not like it’s ust two weeks and then you’re done. I like the meditations a lot, since they are free of all that “imagine a meadow” or whatever crap that always distracts me.
You might also want to look into MoodGym, an online CBT workbook type of thing. Also free, and self-guided.
It’s entirely possible to have a chemical/other issue in your brain that causes anxiety, which will then search around for something to focus on. I know because I have it! Yay! In my case, a low dose of medication really helped – my level of anxiety is still a bit above average, I think, but it’s not constant stress all the damn time, and it’s more likely to be in response to things that are actually happening in my life, rather than just out of the blue. And as jenavira said, it really helps me just to be able to say “sometimes I have good brain days, and sometimes I have bad brain days, and that’s just how it is,” so when it’s a bad brain day it feels manageable, and I know what to do to help.
I think you’re right that her method isn’t working for you, because really she’s essentially asking you to look for things to be anxious about and that’s not a super great technique when the anxiety itself is the actual problem. But there’s hope! You could try to see a therapist with more training in therapy, like a licenced therapist or psychologist. If you have a problem with general anxiety, you may benefit from changing your thinking patterns, and maybe behaviour patterns too. Many anxious people have a lot of negative automatic thoughts or a tendency to ruminate, and both can be treated with cognitive behavioural therapy. You can practice new behaviours for dealing with the anxiety. You can practice mindfulness meditation and learn how to attend to your thoughts and emotions without being overwhelmed by them. There’s also medication that could help. If I recall correctly, SSRI:s are evidence based treatment options for longterm anxiety (fast-acting stuff like xanax is for panic attacks, not for longterm anxiety). I’m a psych student and this is the internet, so this isn’t official Advice, just a few things you could ask a pro about to see if they could be helpful for you.
Thank you! Specifics are really helpful. I’ve been spinning my wheels because I know what I’m doing isn’t really working, but I couldn’t see any way out because I didn’t know what was on the table, or what direction to look into.
What everyone else said. There is hope, you need a different counselor. Try someone who specializes in cognitive-behavioral therapy, which has helped me a ton 🙂
Oh my god, I completely forgot it was Open Thread day.
Yesterday before work I had my first appointment with my new therapist, who turns out to have ADD and be just kind of wonderful and reassuring. I knew this was a good idea when she called me out on minimizing the effects my depression has had on me. (She also suggested I get my thyroid checked again; appointment for that is next week.)
Of course, since talking about it I’ve gotten to realize just how bad my depression has gotten again, so work yesterday and today was fun. On the other hand, I feel less guilty about blowing off my regular tarot journal and a potential weekend trip this weekend to hunker down with the healthiest snack food I scrape together and two seasons of Homicide: Life on the Streets.
I’m hoping you folks can help me remember something…
I’m trying to remember the name of a woman– a real person and (I think) journalist/ author, who was an early feminist in the US in the 20’s and ’30s. I had a book about her at one time, which sadly got lost after a move, and I can’t remember her name! But she was a really interesting person.
The main thing I remember is that some old geezer told her that women didn’t have the brains to study mining engineering, so she got an undergraduate degree in mining engineering just to prove him wrong. (Though she didn’t end up working in that field afterwards). I believe she became very involved in left-wing politics, and wrote about living in the Soviet Union in the ’30s.
Any help would be much appreciated, if this rings a bell!
You might have some luck here: http://womeninmining.net/library-3/wims-in-the-ne…
THAT’S HER, thank you!!!! Emily Hahn. Yay! 😀
(I had tried Googling various “mining engineering” searches before, but never managed to come up with her).
Spite mining! Now that’s awesome.
Podcast Thread!
New Dead Author’s Podcast with Lauren Lapkus as Beatrix Potter. Lapkus’s podcast may be hit and miss, but she is an incredible guest.
http://thedeadauthorspodcast.libsyn.com/addendum-…
U Talking U2 To Me? Still reeling from that episode. Adam Scott was so hilariously nervous. “That’s great!” “IT DOESN’T EXIST!!”
What have you been listening to recently?
Haha, I just finished listening to that Dead Authors episode over lunch. (it was excellent!) Otherwise, I mostly listen to Extra Hot Great, International Waters, Answer Me This, I Don’t Even Own a Television, and the Flop House (although I’m skipping their episode on Jupiter Ascending unless someone can reassure me they get that that movie is a glorious batshit ridiculous amazing mess, because I’m guessing they just think it’s a bad movie and I’m not trying to hear that)
No, the Flop House guys pretty much get that Jupiter Ascending is a fun mess (good-bad movie). Give it a listen!
The RuPaul podcast What’s the Tee? and Denzel Washington is the Greatest Actor of All Time Period, which did one of my all-time Denzel favourites, Out of Time, this week. I also listen to Mike Pesca’s The Gist from Slate nearly every day; anyone else? I love the Maria Konnikova bits and the pop chart flash backs. He also has an ongoing series on storytelling with Matthew Dicks that’s fascinating. Now and then I love a bit of You Are Not So Smart.
The X-Files Files is finally back after about three months off and I’m very happy about that.
I went to the HDTGM live episodes in San Diego and I am SO SAD that they missed half the recording for Top Dog. Seriously, that conversation about the slur was INCREDIBLE. Also, you missed Jason pushing himself around the stage in the roller chairs they provided yelling about how they seriously fucked up by giving them rolling chairs.
ALSO I ASKED A QUESTION AND IT’S ON THERE AND I ONLY SLIGHTLY SOUND LIKE A LOON.
But most of this week I’ve been re-listening to You Must Remember This and catching up on The Truth, which is pretty great.
That is awesome! So jealous. The HDTGM gang came to Seattle for Bumbershoot a few years ago and recorded three live shows, but haven’t set foot in the state since and that was before I started listening to them.
I just booked my flights to New Zealand next February! Best advance 30th birthday present ever 😀
Exciting!! Where in New Zealand are you going?
ERRYWHERE! Flying into Auckland, driving down through the North Island, flying from Wellington to Queenstown, then driving down through the South Island. I’ve got 12 full days and I still don’t have enough time to do everything!
Ahh! That sounds so great and I’m so jealous!
ahhhh, you’re gonna have a blast! I’ve only been to the North Island, but Auckland’s a really nice city and if you’re into hiking, the Tongariro Alpine Crossing is amaaazing.
I MOVE INTO COLLEGE IN A WEEK AND IM FREAKING OUT
please, older and wiser toasties, give me some advice.
Put frozen veggies into your Ramen to make it 92% more healthy. Beans and rice are also your friends. Here’s a great budget cooking blog: http://agirlcalledjack.com/
Also, sleep! And stay hydrated.
thanks! my old dorm at agnes scott has one microwave for the whole floor and I think it and I are going to be REALLY close over the year.
You can add an egg to your ramen too and then there’s protein!
It’s amazing how much fresh spinach I can fit into a big bowl of ramen.
College is SO GOOD. I went in only knowing a couple people, and not well, but I met so many cool people in my first semester and it was so easy. It will never be easier to make friends and I bet you will have an amazing time!
Many schools have a “fall fest” or similar event either before classes start or shortly after, where all the student groups have displays and you can sign up for email lists where you’ll hear about meetings you can go to, if you like. You’ll make a LOT of friends in those extracurricular groups.
I also had a work-study job where I met a lot of students whose parents were also not-rich, which was nice at a pretty preppy school.
I think the key is just to be as open and friendly as your particular level of intro/extroversion can handle – it really is worth it even if it’s a little awkward and uncomfortable at first. Basically everyone else is in the exact same boat as you.
Trust your judgment and instincts… if a party sounds really sketchy, it probably is. If you sit down next to someone in class and someone has a sticker on their laptop of something you love, say something to them! (Maybe not when the professor is talking.)
Do you have any specific questions? I AM HERE FOR YOU! (I was a tour guide for my school and heard all kinds of questions and concerns.) You can drop me an email too, if you like: allicooke5 at gmail dot com.
Thanks! my tiny all girls school makes me feel better, especially since I already have a bunch of friends I met when I interviewed for my full ride. Im very introverted, but there have been select moments (cons, the Wash Post Hunt, my first visit to my school) when I would just go up to people and strike up a conversation, which is totally unlike me, but I hope the next year is one of those moments.
Basically, No boys makes the awkward less awkward.
You’ll be great! Remember everyone is in the boat as you. There can be a toooooonnnn of stuff going on the first couple of weeks, do it! Meet your neighbors! Go to breakfast in the dining hall with your roommates in your pjs! Don’t be afraid to take some quiet alone time when you need it. If you’re a drinker maybe wait a few weeks until you know they lay of the land.
Thanks so much! In regards to drinking, Agnes Scott is the 12th most sober school in the country, a fact we are very proud of, so Im not worried about parties or peer pressure. I also met both of my neighbors already and they are both dolls (and huge drama geeks like me).
Yay! That sounds like a great start! More things I’ve though of: go to office hours, get to know your professors and TAs. Make some friends who are upperclassmen. Extracurricular groups are great for this. They’ll be happy to help you get your bearings- from what professors to avoid to what restaurants off campus are good to how to register for classes or whatever.
Seconding this, especially the office hours. Not sure whether you’re on the right track for an assignment? GO TO OFFICE HOURS. Want to ask a question a little too far off-topic to eat up classroom time? GO TO OFFICE HOURS. Not sure why your essay wasn’t up to snuff? GO TO OFFICE HOURS (and in this case, make it clear you’re not arguing with a grade, just trying to learn how to do better next time).
Going to office hours makes your face known to your professors; this is especially useful in giant lecture classes, but it’s valuable in smaller seminars, too. When you inevitably need to reschedule a deadline or make up an exam, it’s good to have established yourself as An Actual Human engaged with the subject and the schedule.
You’ll be fine! University is a fun adventure!
Don’t take too much stuff, you don’t need everything with you and your stuff will be fine at your parents’ house and you can buy cheap new stuff if you have to.
The big issue I had with university is that I kind of found high school not that challenging (which is my largely my high school’s fault) and then I got to university and I had never really developed good study habits? Which is hopefully not a problem you have! But if you think it might be, I took this online course recently and I think it may have given me the tools to finally fix this problem, so if you need something to distract you from the upcoming move I would recommend it. But probably you are a better student than I was, and don’t need this particular bit of advice.
Go to orientation, join student groups, get involved in that kind of student life stuff. Unless you try it and it doesn’t suit you or the student groups that sound interesting turn out to suck, in which case don’t feel bad about quitting them.
If you think some of the services the school provides might help you, use them. I was always pretty hesitant to do this, but I shouldn’t have been. I mean services like career counselling and mental health services and resources for people with lousy study habits and accommodations for problems you’re having and so on. And if you’re a first generation college/university student, the Nicoles talked about that a while back and linked to some stuff which it would probably be good to read.
Thanks so much. I think Im in the same boat as you, study-habit wise, in which I kinda coasted through, and now I have to keep a 3.5 for my scholarship and it’s daunting.
Im not taking that difficult of classes (Acting, Intro to Queer Studies, The Craft of Writing, Dramatic Leadership, and Global Learning) so hopefully I can use them to figure out how I learn and study.
Im so excited for Intro to Queer because YASSSSS.
also my textbooks for Writing were Fun Home and Persepolis so DOUBLE YASSSSS.
Ok, if you have time this week I would definitely recommend you check out the online course I linked above. I really think it would have been helpful to me if I had learned that stuff before university. And the classes you’ve listed could easily be a lot more difficult than you might expect. Or not. It’s hard to predict! If your school’s student government publishes an anti-calendar, definitely look up your courses in it.
Don’t freak out if you don’t make friends during the first week.
Seriously, I was so sad my first week there because I spent all my time with the girls on my hall and I didn’t like them very much, and they weren’t big fans of me. I was convinced I wouldn’t make any friends at all.
By the third week, I had made a ton of my friends in my dorm (only one of whom was on my actual hall), and had met and started hanging out with my three best friends. I’ve been the maid of honor for all three of them. So give yourself time, sign up for clubs that might interest you and GO TO CLASS. All things that made college so much better for me.
Ive surprised everyone, especially myself, and already made a whole bunch of friends- the girls at agnes are always so super sweet and so super feminist and much more tolerant than my Catholic High School friends. Im very pumped about that.
White holiday lights make a nice, soothing glow for your room – maybe not quite bright enough to study by, but so nice for quiet evenings in. (plus when I put them up in my room sophomore year, the freshmen on my floor were super-impressed by them, if that’s an appealing prospect to you).
Thanks for the tip! I just ordered some purple and white wire lights. Theyre more delicate than string lights and a bit cheaper.
Remember to sleep. It’s really important to your physical and mental health.
(I didn’t sleep much at all my first year of college because I was afraid I’d miss something. I kind of cracked up by the end of the year. I don’t recommend that. Take good care of yourself.)
Pace yourself! Sleeping is important (apparently we have to do it every single night, so expect to be tired the day after the day after an all-nighter, which was a constant surprise to me in college). Eating is important too, even if you don’t have a social crew at mealtimes. Explore all the libraries to find your ideal study spot.
I didn’t go to an all-girls college, but I did for high school, and I hope you just enjoy the hell out of these years! It’s something special.
Best of luck! All of the Toasties have given you some amazing advice, but just to throw in something from my personal experience – don’t freak out if it’s not perfect and amazing and magical right away! I had kind of an awkward transition to college, and I was super far away from home so I was pretty homesick, and the first few months were generally not awesome for me. Once I got over that initial hump, though, I made amazing friends who are still the most important people in my life and had a fantastic experience and I absolutely loved my school. The iinitial homesickness was hard, but it was really good for me in the long run to get out on my own, and it made later transitions (studying abroad, doing an internship in NY, moving out to DC after college) so much easier.
All of this is not to make you worry about the beginning of college – it might be fantastic. Just know that if it’s not perfect right away, that doesn’t mean it won’t get better before long.
Waaaaaaaaahooo! New beginnings. So exciting! SO TERRIFYING too.
On the way out of university, a good school-friend remarked, “I wish that I’d let myself risk failing a lot more often, because this was a relatively safe space to do so and I’m not sure if I’ll ever have that option again.” I still think it a remarkably sage observation.
Seconding the advice to remember to sleep! And eat vegetables and go to office hours and take advantage of student services. And find a fun thing to do; it’ll help your brain recharge. My freshman year, I signed up on a whim to be a projectionist for a film society and saw a lot of old movies for free from the projection booth. (I also joined the fencing club, and had fun even though I was kind of terrible at it.)
Also — as an academic librarian who sees a lot of intimidated-looking freshmen at the reference desk — don’t be afraid to use your library and ask the people there for help with research. That’s what we’re there for, and we won’t judge you for what you do or don’t already know. There really are no stupid questions; the fact that you’re asking the question at all is the opposite of stupid.
this makes me so happy <3 my lifetime goal is to get my Master’s in Library Science.
Dying art, I know, which is why Im getting my bachelors in English and Womens Studies. sooo many job opportunities there *eyeroll*.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE.
I have an etiquette/old friend-wrangling advice quandary, please throw on your best Aunt Acid kaftan and help me sort through these feelings.
We became friends in high school out of necessity as much as anything, she was an earnest hippy who loved Dances With Wolves (dreamcatcher; check), sweet and open-hearted, had the strength of her beliefs and didn’t eat meat or shave her legs and rose above the mockery thrown her way. I was a cynic rife with self-hatred and obsessed with popular culture. Through the years we stayed in touch, and it being the mid-90s onwards, we wrote lots of notes and letters. I kept up with writing letters, and still do 2-3 a month even now. When she moved countries in the early 2000s I wrote her often – I was lonely and socially awkward, and we were both trying to make friends and feel like part of communities in the new places we lived. Over time this faded a bit. We met up a few years back and were still clearly very different. I was annoyed, out of all proportion, by her expectation that she could waltz back to our hometown and just “run into people” without having bothered to keep up with them, as I had painfully attempted to do.
Time goes on; she gets married and has two kids. This week her FB account, which she set up then abandoned because she found it confusing/distrusts technology, popped up to tell me it was her birthday, so I send her a quick email saying “Hi, saw it was your birthday, hope it was great, kids doing well etc”. She replies that this is the problem with technology these days, no one ‘remembers’ without it, and she wishes I sent her letters. This is almost exactly how our last exchange went – I hadn’t heard from her in a while (but, with two kids, I don’t expect endless contact) so sent her what I thought was a nice message, only to be reprimanded for using email and nagged for a letter. Not that she ‘remembers’ to contact me organically; not that she bothered to include her postal address; not that she shows any interest in me or my life; not that she’s happy to hear from me. It just infuriates me, and I know it’s an over reaction, but – I dislike being told off for using one medium over another, like I’m a goddamn letter-writing machine and that’s my only value. I dislike her feeling of entitlement, that she wants the world to behave one way (‘naturally’, without ‘technology’ getting in the way), I dislike having my gesture blown off like that, as if old friends getting in touch to say happy birthday isn’t a precious thing you might be a bit bloody grateful for, and I dislike that my own neediness and insecurity shows through so much in that. I dunno if I should just ignore it, like I did with her last message, or write something sweet back, or find her address and send a sodding letter, or try and tell her how I feel (though i honestly can’t imagine how I could put it so she’d get what I was trying to say). And I can’t quite bring myself to write her off. I don’t have many old friends, and I feel as I get older that it’s important to hang on to some of the traces of who I was back when I was young, even (especially) though I didn’t like that person much. See, she was kind to that person, and I found that impossible.
TL;DR do I ignore a rude email or do I ride it out?
You could reply light-heartedly (“yeah, I’m all about email now, my letter-writing days are done!”), offer a brief update on your own life, and re-iterate your good wishes. Her response reads to me like it could be an unhappy person who’s going to lash out no matter what, but it could also be a painfully awkward joke / expression of a wish for more connection. Her reply to that will probably clarify things, anyway, without sabotaging the relationship.
Reading that made the back of my brain burn like a bee sting. I am irrationally angry on your behalf, that you reached out in affection and got that slap back.
… which is why, if it were me, I’d wait before I decided whether to respond at all. Maybe you have a more temperate response, or maybe you cool down faster than I would in your shoes, in which case that advice is unnecessary.
One thing I would absolutely not do is send her a sweet note in the post. Doing that shows her that her ungrateful, ungraceful reply worked: it reinforces unpleasant behavior by giving her what she wants.
After all, if she’s so passionate about sending paper mail, she can start. She’s as likely to have your address as you are to have hers, right?
In your shoes, I would either:
– wait ’til I’d cooled down, then send a cheery response as gorebooth suggests, breezing past it with a quick “I’m all about email!” and moving on to sharing news, or
-ignore this entirely and let her take on the burden of establishing future contact. This is a loss, but maybe not much of one, since it sounds like it’s not very rewarding to keep up correspondence with her unless it’s done to her specifications.
[updated to add: My reaction would be different if this were an unexpected outburst, but it sounds like this is a pattern of behavior from her, not a change. She’s used your friendly gesture as a chance to berate you before, and there’s no reason to think that’s unusual.]
“Reading that made the back of my brain burn like a bee sting. I am irrationally angry on your behalf, that you reached out in affection and got that slap back. ”
GOD I know. Although — I don’t know that it’s all that irrational. This person sounds like a terrible garbage nightmare person and I feel like what I would do in this situation is not say anything, and remove this person as much as possible from my life. Set her to acquaintances on FB if not outright unfriend, block her emails or set them to bypass the inbox and go into a separate folder, block her number from your phone or give it a silent ringtone, etc. Get on with your life with people who don’t totally suck.
Oh gosh. That’s a toughie. Perhaps I’m feeling too kindly disposed today, but I do know that having children can be a surprisingly socially isolating experience for lots of people. Maybe she’s lost the knack.I’d be tempted to send a letter out of sheer cussedness. I’d probably make it a postcard, short but sweet, and end it with a “Tag! You’re it!” and a return address. If I didn’t get a letter back, that’d be free reign to close it out, satisfied in my efforts.
It sounds like you reached out in good faith, and it’s not overreaction to notice that it was a weird response to get back. Consider sending a nice gesture into the void, and if it’s not returned then direct that energy into something else.
I feel like you have two options. One is to be kind and honest:
“I had no idea that the letters meant so much to you. I’m reluctant to write you because the last couple of times I’ve contacted you you’ve been short and cruel, so I assumed you wanted to hear less from me.”
The other is to be mean and honest.
“I don’t have your address. Send me a letter. Include your address in it. I will be more likely to contact you in the manner that you desire if you make it possible for me to do so.”
This is so late, but in case you come back… Cut her loose, never look back.
I have done this with essentially everyone I knew right up until undergrad days. Necessity a great friendship starter, but past necessity makes for the _worst_ glue. You don’t owe her squat; she probably needed a high school friend as much as you did, and her lack of effort to keep in touch speaks volumes about your present value to her as a friend. If you need a reminder of the person you were, get a kitschy 90s tattoo. All the regret, none of the ungrateful entitlement.
This may sound cavalier, but it isn’t. Cutting an old friend lose is difficult, but think of it as spring cleaning. The emotional space that she currently takes up will by much better used on new friends with whom you have actual things in common.
A few weeks back someone mentioned a forthcoming (?) video game about space only it was all about exploration, I think (not a conquest/war game)? If any of you are around and know the title, I’d be super-grateful as I meant to write it down but forgot.
Perhaps you are thinking of No Man’s Sky?
That sounds right!
thank you thank you!
I fell asleep just as Achilles was at the Trojan walls going after Hector! Im so annoyed at mysekd because I was so into it! I hope they leave the whole thing up so I can rewatch 🙁
Did you catch Ben Wishaw? I got surprised by him and actually squeed. He's so bloody cute, even when he mesed up, although I couldn't figure out if he was doing an accent or not
This is probably way too late, but are there any Toasties in C’ville?
Thank you! Specifics are really helpful. I've been spinning my wheels because I know what I'm doing isn't really working, but I couldn't see any way out because I didn't know what was on the table, or what direction to look into.
Thank you! The councilor I'm seeing did recommend going to a meditation group, but…doing the research to find one, figure out how to get there, and then do it is a bit more anxiety-producing than I can deal with at the moment. Books, now–books, I can handle.
Thank you. I've met his partner and we all hung out for one evening before, but that's pretty much it.
The support/validation really helps!
I have been teaching at the university level for 20 years (yikes!) and this is more of a media sensationalist-thing-of-the-week than it is a reality.
I have always given my students a heads-up when we are going to be dealing with material that might be difficult (emotionally) for some (like a novel that deals with sexual abuse, or a film that includes a rape scene), and I know most of my colleagues do the same.
I have never, ever, in all those 20 something years, had any students who have requested a trigger warning. And they shouldn't have to. Faculty should be sensitive enough to realize that some materials require some advance preparation. That's just plain common sense.
I will feature it on the FB page if you give me a specific time. Tuesday is official!
Oh I can't wait to hear how it goes! I've had a really great experience with Crossfit!
Yay for triple digits!!
http://www.newrepublic.com/article/122543/trigger…
I just read this short piece ("The Trigger Warning Myth" by Aaron Hanlon), and I think it is spot-on.
Thanks for this. Can you clarify what you mean by the equal opportunity approach rather than equal spending?
The thing I'm having trouble getting over is that he is much more of a spender than me, and I feel like if we completely share money, that I'll resent that he's spending "my" money in ways that I don't value (I'm a major saver and prefer saving to nearly everything except a once-a-year vacation)
Some posts by her make it very obvious that she gets paid by the post. They could do with a few fewer posts a day and have better quality content
Lovely lovely. /living vicariously