Previously by Abbey Fenbert: The Pitch Meeting for Wishbone
EXEC: It’s a quiz show.
QUIZMASTER: What is Jeopardy!
EXEC: Um. Danger. Peril. Risk of harm or failure. Did you think I didn’t know what it meant?
[…]
EXEC: I know what words mean. I went to college. I’m a junior vice president at NBC.
QUIZMASTER: Who is Brian!
EXEC: I am.
[…]
EXEC: I’m Brian.
[the silence is long, and it is painful, though the Quizmaster feels no pain]
EXEC: Let’s just…focus on the show, shall we.
[as the Executive scours his notes, the Assistant points him to a relevant clause]
EXEC: Ah. Right. I see what — aha. So it’s a quiz show, the clues have cash value, winner-take-all, but the hitch is the answers are all questions.
QUIZMASTER: What is a brilliant paradox the likes of which have never been witnessed in the televerse!
EXEC: Ha. I get it, I get it.
QUIZMASTER: What is an epiphany!
EXEC: Right, nice demo, let’s keep going. Onward.
QUIZMASTER: Where is the infinite horizon?
EXEC: We’re just going in circles.
QUIZMASTER: What is an idiom! What is the repetitive monotony of existence!
EXEC: Please stop.
[it never stops, Brian]
ASSISTANT: I think what we’re experiencing right now is the central conceit of the show, in all its precarious mischief…which is to say, jeopardy.
[the tease of a smile on the Quizmaster’s face]
EXEC: Okay.
ASSISTANT: See, on a straightforward “quiz show,” the host would ask questions and the contestants would answer, but here, the players must navigate more treacherous waters — not losing sight of the beacon that shines in the careful wording of each answer, staying afloat by phrasing each response in the form of a question.
QUIZMASTER: [a whisper] What is…poetry.
EXEC: Well, that’s a new angle I guess. And the questions?
[two steel gazes fix him]
EXEC: Sorry. The “answers.” They’re divided into these categories…and the content is…
QUIZMASTER: What is limitless. What is a pantheon of all knowledge. What is music, art, history, potent potables.
EXEC: You say it’s a question but your voice doesn’t actually go up at the end. Like a question should.
[…]
QUIZMASTER: Is this better?
EXEC: And I think it will sound less like people are providing questions to match the answers and more like they’re asking if the answer they’re giving is correct.
ASSISTANT: You know, I think what we’re realizing is that in this, every so-called answer contains its own question.
QUIZMASTER: [rueful shake of the head] What is life itself.
EXEC: I definitely wasn’t realizing that.
[a moment passes, in which Brian realizes nothing about life]
EXEC: We’ll find a comedian to play the host, of course.
QUIZMASTER: What is a grave misstep.
ASSISTANT: I don’t think we want to lose sight of the intellectual gravitas of the show. Its gimmick will be the lack of gimmicks. Everyone will feel smarter watching it.
EXEC: Hm.
ASSISTANT: The lower-value clues will be easier.
EXEC: Well…
ASSISTANT: We’ll have tournaments with celebrities sometimes.
EXEC: Ah! That’s great. Way better gimmick than the “no gimmicks” gimmick.
[nonverbal utterance from the Quizmaster]
EXEC: I’m sorry, was that in the form of a question?
[general seething]
ASSISTANT: Who’d like some water?
[the sound of swallowed resentments]
EXEC: Okay. So explain the Daily Double. I mean, I get it from the name — there’s one a day and it doubles the score —
QUIZMASTER: What is a willful misreading.
EXEC: That is what the words mean!
ASSISTANT: [gently] There’s three per day. And the value of the clue doesn’t double automatically; instead the contestant is invited to make a wager of his or her choice.
EXEC: What if they wager a million dollars? What if they get it right? What are we supposed to do then? Where do we find a million dollars?
ASSISTANT: Well —
EXEC: I know, I know! What are… [points to line in notes] …wager limits!
[Quizmaster beams radiantly]
ASSISTANT: Correct! Though, it should be noted, rounds of Jeopardy! are never open book.
EXEC: Let me have this, Stacy. All right, now, what does the winner get?
[…]
EXEC: Sorry… “This is what the winner receives.”
QUIZMASTER: What is another chance!
EXEC: They just keep playing until they lose?
[nodding]
EXEC: That’s kind of depressing.
QUIZMASTER: What is the human condition.
ASSISTANT: Like in life, the thrill of success and ever-present threat of loss heightens the drama.
EXEC: They win money though, right.
ASSISTANT: Yeah, lots of money.
EXEC: I’m wondering if “Final Jeopardy” could be jazzed up a bit. “Double Jeopardy” has the neato callback to constitutional law, which I’m all for, but I think we can do a little better than just one final question and they write the answer on an electric slate. Research strongly discourages an excess of writing in gameshows.
ASSISTANT: The song is extremely tense.
EXEC: We could have some girls dance and sing the song…?
ASSISTANT: Sadly no.
EXEC: Just the slate then.
ASSISTANT: It’s more than that. Final Jeopardy is…
EXEC: Unnecessary math?
ASSISTANT: A wager. A risk. The threshold of ecstasy — at least for another moment, another day — or the endless hollow of all that is lost, could have been, will never be.
[Quizmaster weeps]
QUIZMASTER: What is love. What is — love.
[Assistant and Quizmaster embrace. The Executive pretends to read the rest of the notes. The network picks up the show. Stacy surpasses Brian in a few short promotions. Her reign over NBC is long, as is her reign over the Quizmaster’s heart. But nothing is eternal; only Jeopardy! endures.]
“What is genius?”
No post about Jeopardy! on this site should go without mentioning Mallory’s appearance on the show.
please let there be a video on the internet of this episode
please
WHAT
My reaction exactly.
Wait… what is this website? Is every jeopardy episode really catalogued in this degree of detail?? There’s a chart of ‘game dynamics’! Who is using this?
Why is this preserved for posterity? Who are we to receive such a gift?
Category: Farm Aid, $1,600
Tomatoes sometimes come in this “old” variety, meaning they’re open-pollinated & not grown widely
(Mallory: What is antique?)
(Alex: No.)
(Mallory: Or heir–what is heirloom?)
(Alex: Shhhhh–Tom?)
…
(Alex: I ruled on you after your first response, Mallory, and our judges tell me that that’s what I have to accept. So Tom benefited by your second-guessing yourself.)
[Mallory’s first response of “antique” was later awarded credit at the end of Double Jeopardy! when the researchers found a reference that equated “antique” tomatoes with heirloom tomatoes. The concomitant score adjustment took Mallory out of the red and allowed her to stick around for Final Jeopardy!]
QUIZMASTER: [a whisper] What is…poetry.
And then she was the only person who got Final Jeopardy right! (Who is Grace Kelly?)
Sadly j-archive doesn’t preserve the exact tone of scorn with which Alex is able to infuse his voice. I can imagine though based on this “Shhh.”
Hoo boy I probably shouldn’t say anything about the game show “fandom” so to speak but hi, yeah, we do this kinda stuff. I know that somewhere out there is a detailed transcript of my Millionaire appearance too…it’s weird, but I personally love it.
Probably mostly contestants-to-be when they’re studying.
Murphy’s law is “Anything that can go wrong, will”; this is a dish of thinly sliced cabbage
Ryan: What is Murphy slaw?
YOU FOOL.
WAIT WHAT
WHAT
I LOST SO SO SO SO BADLY THAT DAY
BUT YOU WERE ON IT! THAT’S A BIG THING!
It is Jeopardy! who lost, and it repents. To this day, it repents.
This is… masterful. Shivers. Tears. Just the full range of human emotions being felt here.
“Have the host interview the contestants mid-show in a manner that is personable, yet condescending, and justifies the sliver of hate we subconsciously feel toward them for thinking they are smarter than us.”
But prep them to tell a story that they think is wonderful, but is in all actuality boring and also kind of sad in a pathetic sort of way.
I always love the stories from teachers, though, whose students are all totally stoked for them. (At least, I choose to believe this is the truth and that the contestants are not just deluding themselves. I mean, if one of my teachers had gotten on Jeopardy! while I was their student, I would have been totally stoked for them.)
Teachers are the best, the absolute best!
I had to correct Alex during my condescenterview. He was condescending about it.
Growing up, we always changed the channel or muted it during the interview, which was all I could think of when it was my turn.
I always skip that part- I’ll watch commercials on a different channel instead of cringing through that. (this is supposed to be a response to deitybox. sorry!)
Best Jeopardy-related twitter account: @CoolJepStories , which posts the main points from each contestant interview every day.
Example:
8/6/15:
“I helped the bone marrow registry”
“I bought a betta fish”
“I proposed on a cruise after losing”
The bone marrow registry one was my sister.
I was on Jeopardy! nine years ago and was so embittered by the experience that the theme can still send me into a fit of rage. This article is everything to me. EVERYTHING. I am going to print it out on little cards to hand out to people who make the mistake of asking me why I don’t like to talk about having been on the show.
I…am now just saying hello instead of asking you to talk about being on the show. HELLO.
HI NICE TO MEET YOU
(it’s really not that bad, I’m happy to talk about it, I just hate it when people are all OMG THAT IS SO COOL WHY DON’T YOU OPEN WITH THAT and then are confused when it’s not The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me.)
That is certainly a feeling I can understand and respect!
Okay but… what is potent potables?
Alcoholic beverages
Murphy's law is "Anything that can go wrong, will"; this is a dish of thinly sliced cabbage
Ryan: What is Murphy slaw?
YOU FOOL.
HI NICE TO MEET YOU
(it's really not that bad, I'm happy to talk about it, I just hate it when people are all OMG THAT IS SO COOL WHY DON'T YOU OPEN WITH THAT and then are confused when it's not The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me.)