Toasts! Happy Halloween weekend! What are your plans? The Bartender went to Vancouver for work last weekend and found no poutine. But the nachos you see before you made up for it. Yep, all that just for The Bartender. Yep, with a mug of tea. Yep they were THAT AMAZINGLY HUGE. Joy is found in the most unlikely of places. Open thread!
TOASTIES I COME BEARING HAMILTON NEWS
So my lovely lovely roomie got us pumpkins to paint. She turned around for a second and boom I made a Hamilton pumpkin http://imgur.com/NheahXv Carving is easy, young man, painting is harder.
Turns out most of the first-years at agnes scott are obsessed with hamilton and I keep getting knocks on my door asking about my pumpkin.
My friend who is friends with LMM sent it to him!!!! EEEEE!!!!!
Toasties I went to the ER yesterday because life is awful and I have a UTI. Of course, I was too much a good catholic school girl to actually say “vagina” so I just told the wellness center nurse “my lady garden is on fire”. My girlfriend and two of my friends took me to the ER and made sure I was constantly listening to Hamilton. And when that didn’t work, they read all the Dirtbag articles. With funny voices. I love having theater friends. So I’m not allowed out of bed until the 1st, so for halloween I will be “Charlies grandmother who is too sick to go to the factory”.
That’s some pretty serious UTI, jeez. Take care of yourself! (And excellent pumpkin!)
Hope the UTI is better and perhaps LMM will mention your wonderful pumpkin!
Perfect pumpkin!
Glad you have friends who know how to treat you well during a sucky lady garden time.
Boo for UTI, but hooray for Hamilton pumpkin! Also, “Carving is easy, young man, painting is harder. ” A++, would comment again.
My friend who sent it to LMM added “how does a bastard, orange, son of a gourd..”
and then someone else added “Pardon me, are you autumn fir, sir?”
SO now FallHamMemes are a thing.
sucks about the UTI! But what a good pumpkin idea. I can’t believe I didn’t think about that. I’m over here drawing Hamilton stars like I did Smashing Pumpkins hearts when I was in middle school…
Toasties, help meeeeeee!!!!
After being oh so sure for years that I was not interested in parenting, suddenly I’m interested in parenting. I’m having a hell of a time trying to unpack all these feelings, and my therapist had to cancel my appointment yesterday (because she had to go pick up her puking son, how timely), and I’m not in a place yet to really get into the nitty-gritty of this with MrKat, and if I bring this up with my mom it’ll get complicated, so can I ask you all for help with this? Putting the rest in a reply, for it is lengthy and emotional.
I’m starting to wonder if my feelings of not wanting to have kids (or kid, really, because at this point it’s so abstract we’re just going to assume one) were just part of my low self esteem problem, like I’m not good enough at adulting and the real world, so I have no business trying to teach someone else how to be a grown-up. I haven’t been able to get my life on a “normal” path because of my non-neurotypicalness, and I think I figured that the universe was saying Nope! to being a mom. So even if I figure out that yes, this is actually something I really want to do, I’m not entirely certain I’ll allow myself, because it seems irresponsible.
And then I start to get resentful, because I’ve basically lived my whole life trying to be responsible and better at just, living, and I have given up on a lot of stuff and opportunities because of fear, some weird-ass Puritan strain of self-denial (I don’t deserve anything), and a genuine inability to see my way forward, not being able to understand the first steps to take to accomplish any goals (and frankly, never having any goals apart from staying alive). Lots of painful underachievement, the hallmark of the not-diagnosed-until-adulthood ADHD individual (hey, fellow former “Most Likely To Succeed” failures! I know you’re out there!) Part of my initial decision was my lifelong depression and not wanting to visit that on an unsuspecting and innnocent kid, but then I found out I had ADHD, and my depression and anxiety essentially go away when that is effectively managed (qualm: I don’t think I can take my meds while pregnant and that would not be awesome, although it would be temporary), and knowing what I know about these things would help us be on the look-out and prepare for getting our kid any early interventions and aid they would need (and is sort of the field I’m looking at for my potential future).
And terrible people have babies all the time, people who aren’t thoughtful about what they’re getting into, people who focus only on the idea of the cute baby and not on the majority of that child’s life, the adulthood part. Why do they get to do it and I don’t? I’m pretty sick of feeling stuck on the sidelines of life, which brings me to: what if I’m only feeling like this because it gives me validation in the world? People side-eye the hell out of the non-working spouse, but if there was a kid it wouldn’t feel so crappy. Or maybe my recent plans to finally get back to school (hi, previous five undergrad institutions and various majors, sorry about wasting all that time!) and figure out what I’m good at are too scary, so my subconscious is presenting parenthood as an alternative. Or do I want an ironclad reason for MrKat to have to come home from work at a more reasonable time? Derp.
But then I think about trying to get pregnant, and the medical hurdles necessary for that (I’m 33, and have no idea whether or not my fertility is ok, and MrKat would have to reverse a vasectomy and all the diminished chances that can come with that, yes I’ve been researching it), and I actually feel more motivated to get back to school and get healthier and then revisit this in like, six months or something. I started crying yesterday because I can’t stop turning over all this stuff in my mind and I had a moment where I definitely wanted to try for this, and that entirely freaked me out. It feels like I suddenly started believing in a deity after a lifetime of atheism and fuck, that is hard to figure out.
MrKat has concerns about me being pregnant, with the health issues I have (nothing that is reproductive system-related, but could make pregnancy even more uncomfortable than it presumably already is), and I have major ethical qualms with infant adoption, and I don’t trust my ability to handle the challenges of adopting an older child with special needs (I know there’s no guarantee that a child I give birth to WOULDN’T have any special needs, but still). I think in this case I would really want to be selfish, and that’s part of my personality I need to get comfy with.
Anyone else have stuff to say about this? I’m very interested in other’s experiences!
This is a lot! I’m sorry it’s hard and stressful.
It sounds like you have questions about (a) taking your meds during pregnancy, and what going off them might do and (b) other health concerns about pregnancy. That sounds like useful information to gather.
In addition: would going back to school now put you in a better overall position as a person, spouse, and potential parent? How much would that potentially delay having a child?
You don’t have to make any decisions right this minute! All will be well.
I definitely need to go back to school, like, yesterday. I would ideally like to at least be on a solid track to something before making a giant life change like parenthood. It’s just so confusing, and when I was solidly on the no-babies side of things it was so easy to put things off, because I didn’t have to think about fertility issues or how old I wanted to be when I had a baby, and now suddenly I’m totally kicking myself for that. Ah well. Thank you for replying!
Whether or not to become a parent is an intensely personal decision, but if only perfect people reproduced, humanity would never perpetuate itself. My husband and I both have depression, but with careful management and keeping an eye on each other, parenting has gone well so far. (Our kid is 8)
See, now I’m crying again. Thank you. I think my husband would be such a kick-ass dad, he’s so smart, and such a warm-hearted, gruffly-cuddly sort. He would be and is such a grounding influence. Ugh, I don’t know. I’m glad your experience has gone so well!
My husband and I are still very ambivalent about the whole parenting thing. I’ve gotten a lot more interested in the idea of having a baby since my nephew was born, but I’m hella unsure. I feel like we would enjoy parenthood and be good at it… but we also really enjoy our lives as they are now. I love having very few real responsibilities and having a big chunk of my income be 100% disposable and being able to stay in bed all weekend if I want and the possibility of international travel once a year and living downtown in an apartment with absolutely no pressure to buy a house with a yard.
people who focus only on the idea of the cute baby and not on the majority of that child’s life
That’s largely what is tripping me up too. I like babies; I could totally handle a baby. But what do you do with an older kid? For some reason I can’t stretch my imagination to further aspects of parenthood, like dealing with temper tantrums at the grocery store, having to live in the right neighbourhood so my kid gets into the right school district, maybe having to learn how to drive and buy a car, all sorts of plastic kid crap all over my house, crusty socks everywhere later on if I have a son, not being able to travel for who knows how long or having to go to child-focused places like Disneyland, etc.
Another thing is I have anxiety issues. I jump to the worst possible conclusion. If my husband takes longer than I expect coming home from the grocery store I immediately start worrying that he got mugged and knifed and is bleeding in an alley somewhere (we live in a safe neighbourhood in a safe city). When my dad has to travel on business a part of me is on edge until I hear that he got to his destination safely, even though by this point he must have been on a thousand flights. I’m one of those “this pounding headache won’t go away, I must have a brain tumour” people. I feel like if I had a kid I would just be constantly consumed with worry for them, and I don’t want to live that way.
We’d have to reverse a vasectomy too, so that would make the whole thing extremely costly.
YES to the anxiety! My biggest biggest thing is if I have a baby, and that baby dies, that’s it. My life is over. I do not have the emotional resilience to survive that. That alone is enough to tip me right back over to the nope side of things.
I said to my mom the other day that I would probably never ever sleep again if I had a kid, and my mom, who normally talks me down from that sort of stuff and reassures me that things would be fine, agreed. She agreed with me! Man, that sort of shook me. Mom doesn’t think it’s a good idea? Damn.
I think about the older kid stuff, too, because I’m pretty awkward around kids, but I think that’s actually more that I’m awkward with strangers. And kids I don’t know are strangers, you know? And it will be a cold day in hell before I set foot in a Disney theme park, but I think my kid would survive a Disneyland-free childhood ;).
I was just so firmly in the childfree camp, but these days? It’s just so strange to have that start to change. I like our free time and extra money, definitely, but I think the fact that we don’t really do much with those two things, just hoard them both like a pair of greedy dragons, makes me think that it wouldn’t be the worst thing to have less of both in exchange for child stuff. Ugh, so complicated.
Same here. A classmate of mine died when I was in high school, and whenever I think about having kids, I remember the sound of her mother keening at her funeral, and I don’t know how I could live with the possibility of that happening to me for the rest of my life. But then, I also read things written by parents of dead children, and nearly all of them say they’d do it all over again, they’d rather have had their child and lost them than never have had them at all. I sort of understand that intellectually but it’s hard to fully wrap my mind around it.
” I love having very few real responsibilities and having a big chunk of my income be 100% disposable and being able to stay in bed all weekend if I want and the possibility of international travel once a year and living downtown in an apartment with absolutely no pressure to buy a house with a yard. ”
These are all the reasons I don’t want to be a parent, except for living downtown just substitute living in the woods without running water. The thought of giving up all that for a baby makes me cringe so hard (for me, I mean! no judgement for people who would rather parent!)
Hello! Fellow anxious person here, and one who’s currently pregnant, to boot. A LOT of those “am I good enough, will I be okay at this, what if I fuck this kid up?” feelings have surfaced, but surprisingly, this experience is basically the definition of “one day at a time,” and I suspect that parenting will be similar.
Also, I suspect that maybe you’ve invested in being a Person Who Doesn’t Want Kids, and to consider the part of yourself that is unsure or questioning or, you know, does want kids, can be frighteningly out of character. It’s okay to change your mind about this. It’s okay to worry and wonder. It’s okay to feel panicky and then beatific and go get a burger and forget about the whole thing for a day or two. I never actually do this, but: I’m here if you want to chat more.
“I suspect that maybe you’ve invested in being a Person Who Doesn’t Want Kids, and to consider the part of yourself that is unsure or questioning or, you know, does want kids, can be frighteningly out of character.”
Yes indeedy, this is very very true. I’ve had to be pretty vocal about it with my mother-in-law, and there is a small part of me that absolutely dreads her thinking she was right all along and the ways she will communicate this (and the inevitable boundary fights we will wind up having, although a decent geographical distance and MrKat being firm with her will aid that). Thank you for sharing, and congrats on your pregnancy!
Just adding on as another pregnant person formerly known as A Person Who Didn’t Want Kids, and Then Inexplicably Did. It took a long time for me to acknowledge that I might not really be the person I’d been presenting myself as for years (primarily to myself). It’s a bit of an identity crisis, and that’s ok. I ultimately decided that I didn’t really want to analyze it (which was paralyzing — there is never really a right time or place), and we are just going to wing it.
That’s a lot to unpack– I’m guessing that talking it over with your therapist would be extremely useful.
I will say that I have a non-neurotypical mom (with Aspergers and occasional periods of depression in the past) who’s absolutely wonderful and whom I adore. So that definitely doesn’t have to rule you out as a great parent.
There are a lot of people who deal with pregnancy and medication issues, and (although I wouldn’t say it’s always easy) it does seem to be manageable these days for most people, as long as you’re under medical supervision.
Also, I have a few friends whose doctors advised adding or continuing medications (e.g., anti-depressants) during or immediately after pregnancy- for instance, if they had post-partum depression with previous pregnancies. Depending on the medication, it may not be medically contraindicated to take them, and sometimes doctors feel like the benefits of taking them outweigh the risks.
When I was pregnant with my eldest, and when she was a newborn, I could hardly imagine parenting a toddler, nevermind a school aged child, or a teenager.
And now she’s 22. And she has survived my depression; and problems with her birth and step fathers and everything else. And she’s lovely.
The thing is: we fall in love, somehow with the babies. (or some of us do; anyway… some parents survive infancy, and thrive when they’re older)… and its’ not just baby-ness per se that we love (although I do, I do love babies. And also kittens)… it is THIS BABY. With these eyes and fingernails and toes and soft skin. And then THIS BABY keeps growing, and we keep loving them. And lots of us remain not entirely fond of Other People’s Children, while still madly loving our own.
(Also, Disney is completely optional. I raised my kids on Miyazaki movies instead)
yes this! I was dubious about children and we finally started when i was 34 (because I had counted backward and 40 was too old for me to have a kid, and 39 was too, which meant 38 for the last possible moment and if we wanted four years between then NOW! yikes!) and when it was MY kid is was a whole different story. Except I had little old ladies for neighbors who LURVED babies and kept telling me “this is the BEST part” and I would go home and weep because I hurt and nursing hurt and I hadn’t slept in months… For me, the whole parenting gig improved as they get older. Now I have a 17 and a 21 year old, and they could not be more amazing and wonderful and I am so glad I did it. I am even the woman who asked her pediatrician in her very first, while still pregnant, interview “what if I don’t like having a baby?” because no one had reasonable answers to that, and she just rolled her eyes.
Also Miyazaki All The Way BaBeee!!!
I think we have very similar emotional and mental makeups. I’ve done pretty much precisely nothing with my life, despite having a law degree, because I’ve kept backing away from opportunities and never putting myself out there, basically because I feel I don’t deserve things/would be bad at them anyway. It’s a hard way to live, and I sympathize.
I also have a kid! And he magnifies all that stuff ONE THOUSAND PERCENT, on the one hand — constant mental refrain of what a terrible job I’m doing and he deserves a better mom etc etc — but on the other hand he forces me to get over all that on a very basic level because you can’t shirk the actual parenting work. I probably lose my temper more than other parents (usually when I’m feeling bad about myself) but I’ve also discovered reserves of patience I didn’t know I had, and when it comes down to it you do the stuff that needs to be done. Being a parent means you never ever ever again get a break from being an adult, but it also makes you grow up.
I wanted kids because I didn’t want to live my whole life and only have done stuff for me, basically, and I wanted to have my own family when I got older, not be added to someone else’s. The first 2 years have been HARD and the timing was also probably a mistake (but I was 32 and getting worried about fertility), but it’s the life I have now and all I can do is a) appreciate the good things and b) look forward to the future because things change constantly and our lives will be very different in just a few years (which is part of the fun).
DING DING DING you WIN as the person who (apparently) asked the right question to get a WALL OF TEXT from me this week!
You are not alone with any of these questions. Of course your situation is singular to you, and your particular decision is going to depend on the exact mix of your concerns and hopes and dreams and values. But being unsure? Considering changing your mind? Wanting to do this thing right if you choose to do it, and having concerns about doing it right? ALL of those things aren’t unusual.
You get to be a parent if you want to be (this is not ALWAYS true, but it’s damn close). Exactly how that looks may not be exactly how you (or anyone else) imagined it. But if you, at some point, decide that being a parent is the most important thing, you CAN do it. And if you really weren’t interested at all, this thread wouldn’t be happening. So edge cases are sorted, from a logic-and-pro-and-con-lists sort of way. From an emotional standpoint— that’s a big thing to adjust to. You MAYBE want kids under the right circumstances. You ARE ‘allowed’. You don’t need to be flawless or pass some sort of test.
So now it’s just figuring out how important it is to you, and what you’d have to do to make it happen, and if those things mean it’s worth it. That simple, that hard.
You know that.
No, there isn’t some sort of PERFECT solution you’ve overlooked. You’re going to have to have a lot of long talks, you’re going to have to think, and read, and watch, and think think think, and talk some more.
So look into your options. Figure out if there are drugs you can take during pregnancy (even if they’re not AS effective as what you take now, there might be something that’s pregnancy safe that at least helps). Figure out if there are things you can do to care for yourself really well so that if you decide to get pregnant, that you’ll be in a good place to do that.
Especially short term, look at other ways you can get more involved with kids. Babysitting, volunteering, mentoring. Things like that might convince you that, yes, you want kids. Or that you have more capacity for Kids With Issues than you thought. Or you might find a level of involvement with kids that makes you comfortable NOT having kids of your own. Or maybe it’ll tide you over right now, and then you’ll decide not to have kids.
You don’t lose anything by looking at your options. You don’t lose anything by getting involved with kids in non-permanent ways. The conversations can be difficult. If you’re dreading them, you could choose to brush up on effective communication skills first, by talking with your therapist about that, or reading books (I like Crucial Conversations, but there are LOTS of great books about things like non-violent communication and the like). You don’t lose anything by working on communication skills. There are a LOT of choices you can make that are permanent or close to permanent in this topic. And that’s big, and difficult, and scary. But NONE of those things need to come first. There are a huge number of much smaller things you can do now that aren’t permanent, don’t mean you lose out, aren’t very risky. Start with the easy stuff!!!!
Also— It is okay to WANT kids, and decide not to have them anyway. It may be heartbreaking, but it’s not a wrong choice. You don’t have to HAVE kids just because you WANT them. As long as YOU are the one making the choice, and feeling comfortable (if sad) about that choice. Don’t let “society” force you into it. Don’t let a parent or spouse or sibling or someone else make that choice for you. But it’s okay to say “I really WANT to have kids, but I would only do it if XYZ” —- and eventually decide not to, because you couldn’t make XYZ work.
Personally– I’ve decided that me getting pregnant is not an option I’m willing to consider. I don’t THINK I want kids, I think that my ideal scenario is being “the cool aunt” for the kid or kids of some of my college friends, when they get there. I’m willing to consider everything else, I know there are a couple things that could happen that would make me re-evaluate things. But so far, I’m good with my choices.
Thank you for the wall o’ text! I am honored to be the recipient. Many many good points to consider. I really really didn’t think my brain would do this 180 on me and it is throwing me off in a major way.
I’m late to this thread but I think a thing you might want to do while you’re figuring this out is get involved with volunteering.
This isn’t a precise analogy and can never be, because I got my tubes tied earlier this year, but basically, I’m working out if I want to commit to be an academic as my Forever Career. And I know I’m good at research and I love research, but how I do feel about teaching? So I’m taking training and doing mentoring and tutoring in low-time-commitment, lower-involvement ways to test the waters and ease into it.
So see about volunteering at daycares, schools, etc. Babysit for friends who have children. Put yourself in the presence of children, essentially. Maybe you will find that you are ALL ABOUT HAVING A BABY/ADOPTING A CHILD/ETC. Maybe you will find (as I did, hence the tubal) that you don’t want the full-time commitment of a child but are cool with interacting with other people’s children that you can return to them later, or you’re really good at dealing with older kids but you can’t handle dealing with anything under 10 years old, or something. I have some anxiety issues that frequently result in me hermiting away and requiring some isolation, which means that I don’t feel comfortable parenting, but I’m okay as the Cool Aunt to older kids who don’t need constant access to me at all times.
I think really the first thing you need to do before you start weighing “how to have one” options is to figure out how much involvement you want and how much involvement you can tolerate (because those aren’t always going to be equal!), what needs having a child would fulfill for you, and how capable you are of fulfilling that child’s needs. But throughout all this, please go easy on yourself. Start small and build up instead of overcommitting. Best of luck!
and then I went through the thread in more detail instead of skimming and yeah pretty much what cosetthetable said!
So many <3s to you. I don’t know if this will be helpful, but this is my current thinking on decisions about parenthood:
We are brave people navigating a completely new era in human history, in which becoming a parent is governed more by individual choice than ever before – both in the sense that we can control our fertility to prevent unwanted pregnancy, and in the sense that being childless is now recognized as a valid way of being an adult member of society, even for married people. This is great, but also so, so scary. Creating a new human is an enormous decision – and for me, and maybe for you, and many others, something that’s impossible to really “decide” in a rational way – because a human life is such a big thing in itself and because, given how society is structured, it has enormous impact on our trajectories as adults (especially for women). That doesn’t mean we can’t analyze whether it’s a good idea or not, but it does mean that when we feel overwhelmed by that analysis and paralyzed by anxiety, we can remind ourselves that that’s normal, because we’re asking ourselves to decide on something very, very big, that our ancestors (and probably even many of our moms) didn’t have to decide in the same way.
Anyway. If you do have a kid, it sounds like they will have a great mom who will be watching out for their well-being and compassionate about their struggles, whatever they might turn out to be, and that’s certainly not nothing. And whether you ultimately parent or not, you sound very ready to take next steps in your life, and you have a lot to offer the world.
This is utterly profound, thank you. So much to mull over.
I really want to Wall of Text you too, but it’s too much on my phone and my ancient office browser lets me log in too intense debate, but not actually post. Briefly, I am a person who never wanted children, but feel in love with a cis woman, so she has her own uterus, and she wanted kids so basically I agreed to try it out (but not move in) and now I’m totally a parent (but hate being called a mother) but not legally, which we have to fix. I’m also anxious! And last winter was so bad I couldn’t sleep! I often still can’t sleep! And I went to see a shrink and something so bad happened that someday I will write a personal essay for a place like the toast. But it’s all ok, and I do not regret my son in my life, he brings me such joy. On the other hand, I don’t doubt that I would be equally happy if I had ended up partnered with someone who also didn’t want kids and instead we’d have time and money and pets.
It’s soooo late but maybe you get email notifications and will see this:
People have given you such good and thoughtful answers, and I just want to add something short and sweet I saw a dad once say on Internet that has helped me immensely with my own parenting and feelings of inadequacy: I am the standard.
Meaning, you don’t have to be perfect to be a parent. You don’t have to fit any mold. Whatever, whoever you are, is “mom” to your kid. Obviously this does not mean you get carte blanche to be abusive or horrible, but a human being with flaws? Yes, you can be that.
I have some anxiety issues, particularly post-partum anxiety; I visualize worst-case scenarios for my kids probably too much. It’s not a fun personality trait, but it’s a treatable one. I know I do it, I work hard to make sure it doesn’t affect my daughters’ lives, and I reach out for mental health help when I have to. So far, so good. So I guess I’d say there are a lot of good reasons to not have kids, but if you think you want to, don’t let fear control your choice.
Thank you very much. It helps so much to hear from fellow anxiety-sufferers. I think my next steps are to get my educational goals lined up (finally feeling good about this!), and then gently see about getting MrKat on board for future conversations. This is absolutely not something I see myself doing without him (I don’t think I want to just have A kid, I want to have OUR kid), and he is absolutely correct to have the various reservations he has.
(And I need to get the idea of how thrilled my parents would be out of my head. *parent pleaser*)
KatPruska, I feel for you on this, like, on all counts. I am in a similar situation–pondering having a *second* child in the midst of mental-health struggles.
One false hope I had was that some of my mental-health struggles would simply melt away because of my pure magical unicorn angel love for my newborn baby. Alas, that did not happen. I continue to struggle (but also survive!). I don’t regret having a kid when I did, but I do wish I had more realistic expectations about the challenges. Your mention at some point in the thread about waiting six months to prepare and think about it more sounds like a good plan, and could help you feel more confident in your choice whatever it is.
My reality as a parent with mental-health struggles: Every day I deal with feelings of doubt about my worth as a person and a parent. These feelings come to even the ultra-normal-est of parents, but they are particularly potent when you’re dealing with depression, anxiety, etc. I wish I could offer advice on how to resolve this but I’m still working through it myself. I try not to compare myself to the uber-moms in my life who homeschool five kids or whatever, and also not to compare myself to the legit terrible moms in the world, and just try my best day by day (or on harder days, minute by minute). Alongside the self-doubt (which I would probably be dealing with in some other form anyway), I am filled with gratitude for having my sweet little son in my life and to grow, love, and experience joy in all the cheesiest and grandest and simplest ways.
Also, the fear about your kid dying and you falling apart? I have similar thoughts as well. I recently read Brene Brown’s _Daring Greatly_ and she calls this idea “foreboding joy”–the way we fantasize all the ways our joyful things could go terribly wrong. I don’t remember Brene Brown’s advice about this other than “don’t you do it” so yeah, still working on that.
But that’s all my experience. For a broader perspective on the Kid Question, there are two takes I like. One is from a Dear Sugar column: http://therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpu…
The other is from Leslie Knope (OF COURSE) when April was freaking out about whether to have a kid:
April: I don’t know what to do. Please tell me what to do.
Leslie: It’s not about trying to make your life perfect. Nobody’s lives are perfect. You have kids because you and Andy are a team, and you wanna bring in some new team members.
April: So you think we should?
Leslie: I don’t know if you should have kids, I really don’t. But I do like your team.
I don’t know you beyond your comments here, but I get the sense that you have a good team. Best wishes with whatever you choose to do with your team!
those nachos, bartender! yummmm.
happy halloweenie, toasties! tell me your plans! post photos of your costumes! what kind of candy do you like best?
i am dressed up as a bat!
i glued the ears crooked onto the headband, but i’m running with it.
i’m just going to the bar with some friends and then probably watching non-spooky movies, because i’m a weenie. and i love any and all gummi candy.
your living space is actual goals.
Also your shoes.
and your hair.
You are goals.
thank you so much!! this is such a sweet compliment!
UM NO KIDDING I ACTUALLY THOUGHT THAT WAS AUDREY HEPBURN
taking this photo to my stylist next time I need a pixie trim.
haha oh my god, i am blushing in the office. thank youuu
Yeah you look AMAZING!
I’m going to try to dress up as Daria Morgandorffer tomorrow (my current hair is PERFECTION for this, and also my entire personality, my college radio show was called Sick Sad World), but whether or not I will actually be able to make that happen depends on how much energy I have to try to shop on Halloween in Manhattan (blurgh). I have to put something together, though, because I’m going to be party hopping with 2 sassy blondes and we all need to be distracted from romantic complications and I think it’s going to be pretty excellent.
thank you!
looove daria costumes, every time i see one, it makes me happy. hope you have a good time! halloween should be a pretty good distraction 🙂
Awesome! I actually just posted a Throwback Thursday thing to IG yesterday of my Daria costume from 2000.
What a cute bat! Look at your jaunty ears! I hope your loved ones feed you all the grapes you can eat like this sweet baby.
aw, thank you! i am going to call them “jaunty” instead of “crooked,” now. also ahhhh so cute!
I will be dressing as Wonder Woman this year! MrChouffe is not exactly going as a superhero: he will be Darth Vader from the waist up and Dr Frank-N-Furter from the waist down. It should be interesting.
OF COURSE MrChouffe would do that. Have fun smashing gender roles together!
woo, wonder woman! i just did an office-laughter-snort at the thought of darth frank-n-furter. personally i think it will be a hit, haha.
I’m doing Black Canary! (~*canary cry*~) But JLA Black Canary, not new Arrow Canary (who I actually like!). My stupid horoscope this week said to go as half of a pair, but I think the person I’d designate as Ollie Queen is being a total weirdo right now, which is about PAR FOR THE COURSE for those two.
Anyway, I make a terrible blonde. Don’t care.
nice! haha i know noooothing about comics but it sounds like that would be a turbulent paired costume, haha.
I wasn’t going to have a costume, but I’ll be passing out candy at a friend’s house (their first Halloween in a real house!) and was convinced to dress up. So, I’m going as Squall from FFVIII–I already have the hair and most of the outfit, and bought this incredible thing to supplement. (#fakegeekgirl alert– I’ve never played FFVIII, but whatever, I look and dress like him and I played Kingdom Hearts, which he was sort of in 😛 )
ahh that jacket! i’d get a helluva lot of wear out of that after halloween was over!
I’m fully planning on wearing it all the time. I never again want to be seen in public without copious cleavage fur.
My one complaint–it’s not great, fit-wise, for muscular arms. I ordered a size up from what I thought I needed, and it fits everywhere but the biceps. I can get it on, but am a little limited as far as arm mobility.
I was figuring on throwing something together out of my closet, but now I think I’m going as ‘sick person, staying on the couch wrapped in a blanket and watching movies, send tea.’
oh nooo. feel better!
Do I have a costume for you!!
None of my full-body pics really came out, but these more or less capture it:
(That was last weekend; for this weekend I will probably skip the hand makeup, because it started to bug me after a while, and do a larger area on my face.)
ahhh but it looks so good! it’s so intricate!
I’m lazy, so I’m probably going to show up to the party in my casual!Kate Bishop cosplay (read: Hawkeye shirt, purple headband/Chucks/sunglasses/possibly my quiver with purple arrows). No one will get it because neuroscientists are surprisingly comic illiterate, but it’ll amuse me.
i am pretty comics-illiterate, but i still know what kate bishop looks like! that’s a badass costume!
I don’t have a photo of the costume yet, but I’m going to dress as Glen (aka Johnny Depp) from A Nightmare on Elm Street. After I decided that was the costume I was meant for, my fiancé went, “. . . You do remember that I already have a Freddy Krueger costume, right?”
So basically it’s the best couples costume ever, I think. (Also the first time in the six years of our relationship that we’ve actually had a chance to dress up for Halloween together, so it’s not that weird that I had forgotten what costumes he already had.)
Anyway, this is the outfit I’m putting together: http://theo-winterwood.tumblr.com/post/1318147099…
The shirt turned out really well and my hair kind of looks like that on its own if I don’t aggressively tame it. I just have to finish painting a pair of headphones silver and I’ll be done.
As of right now, the only plans we have, though, are an invite to a party where two of the three hosts are . . . not my favorite people. So I’m trying very much to think of a Plan B for tomorrow night.
such a good couples costume!
I had elaborate plans to do an Imperator Furiosa costume (I made a Pinterest board and everything), but I don’t have anywhere to go for Halloween, so maybe next year. Instead, I’ll be watching the Arsenal game (I’ll wear my jersey, so I guess I’ll be dressed up as Mesut Ozil?) and then marathoning all of the Harry Potter movies. Very thrilling.
I am going to make some cute food, though. I’m taking strawberries and Nutter Butters and dipping them in white chocolate, then drawing ghost faces on them with frosting (thanks Pinterest!).
those halloween snacks sound adorable! and personally, i’m all for a nice relaxing halloween night in, haha.
I actually went as Megan Rapinoe one year for Halloween (we are the same age, height, weight, and haircut), so I fully endorse soccer jerseys as costumes. Kinda want to repeat mine, in fact!
That’s super cool! I love her.
One year I was Tomas Rosicky because I had his jersey & Arsenal shorts and socks (they were cheap) and had hair about his length.
My friend suggested that next year I go as a late 80s/early 90s footballer, in the Rudi Völler/Ruud Gullit vein- short shorts and weird little mustache. I actually think that’s brilliant and wish he’d thought of it before I got everything together for a different costume this year.
Nice!!! I love Rosicky. The 80s footballer plan is super fantastic. Maybe next year. I have a 1989 Arsenal jersey (from the year they won the league the day I was born), so I may have to steal your idea, too.
I kind of wanted to dress up as Keeper of the Seeds from Fury Road, but I don’t have the spoons to go out. So instead I’m going to carve pumpkins and watch Nightbreed.
going out does indeed take a lot of spoons. a halloween in is pretty nice!
I am having friends over for a low-key hangout/party (basically, just snacks and beer and sitting on the porch passing out candy to small children) tomorrow, and I am excited! We also plan to run an informal contest for best trick-or-treater costume, and while I’m not sure anything can ever be better than the Tiniest Ben Franklin from a few years ago, it’s always fun to see what kids come up with.
In keeping with the low-key Halloweening, I’ll be going as a Comfy Vampire (basically, jeans and a sweater and the snap-in vampire fangs I bought years ago in college), which is a lazy costume, but also makes sense; if you’d been around for centuries, you might want to relax a little, you know?
As for Halloween candy, I am one of those monsters that honestly likes candy corn and those little mellowcreme pumpkins.
i love the idea of “comfy vampire” so much! and oh my god, tiniest ben franklin sounds incredibleeee
He was so adorable! And polite, possibly politer than the actual Ben Franklin, even.
I was going as Kate Bishop. I bought a Hawkeye bow at the Disney store outlet and already had black pants and a purple jacket. When I mentioned it to my mom last spring she bought me a pair of purple Doc Marten’s for my birthday. Then in July I bought Book of Mormon tickets and the best seats available in my price range were for Halloween. So I am going as a fancy theater-attending person. I plan to incorporate the boots into my everyday life now that it is cooling off because they are awesome and will probably give the bow to my sister’s kids.
have fun at the theater!
My costume brainstorming this year went something like “A League of the Their Own! No, Tank Girl! No, Orange is the New Black!” And then realizing that I hadn’t even considered anything that didn’t involve Lori Petty.
Anyhow, went with Tank Girl! (Sorry for the blurriness, Mr. Ksek hasn’t mastered “focusing using a touch screen” just yet!)
Went to one party last weekend, doing another one this weekend.
tank girl! you look so good!
I am ‘dressed up” as Adele today at work. I’m a chubby blonde, so just blew out my hair, matte cut-crease and winged/wedge liner, contour (which I NEVER do) and peachy nude matte lip. I’m wearing a black boat-neck top. My pup looks like this today:
yesss, adele! that costume sounds perfect, especially since everyone i know can’t stop playing “hello,” haha. also your dog is adorable.
I’m going as Amelia Earhart to my friends’ Housewarmeen party tonight (mostly because I have all the components on hand already), and tomorrow for our annual Tomb of Horrors game I’m dressing as Ronda Rousey! I’ll also be rolling up Rousey as a character in the Tomb of Horrors game, which should be fun.
Last week I dressed up as Marty McFly for a BTTF Day party, and I won $125 in a costume contest. So that was cool! Here’s the award-winning costume:
those are all great costumes! your marty mcfly one is spotttttt on.
I’m going to be ~Sexy Pestilence~ for a sexy Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse group thing
I don’t have a picture of me all done up yet, but check out my fake plague boils, which turned out DISGUSTING —
I’m going as Helena from Orphan Black. I found the perfect wig, now it’s all about the eye makeup.
yesss the red eye makeup! what a good costume!
I’m going to a party in Amsterdam with the theme of “huishoudbeurs” (http://www.huishoudbeurs.nl) so I’m going for 60s-style robot maid. Lots of silver, random cleaning implements. It’ll be fun.
ooh, nice theme! that sounds like a lot of fun!
There is a con this weekend and I will be going as a Rule 63’d Balem Abraxas from Jupiter Ascending and I’m so excited.
I had an excuse to make a cape and I went for it
Everyone’s costumes look great! As a former theatre kid/burlesque dancer, I used to put a fair effort into Halloween but these days everything is already to time-consuming and tiring, so I’m just going as a Spider Witch. I have a top that has long trails of webby fabric from a kids theatre company sale that I’m attaching dollar store spiders too, and I found a witch hat at value village that cane with spiders on it. I also got my kid a leopard costume at VV boutique. I’m taking him to a pre party at his birthday twins house and then we’re all going out trick or treating in a richy rich neighborhood.
THOSE NACHOS. HOLY SHIT.
It’s not weird that I’m thinking about getting “Just you wait, just you wait” tattooed on my inner upper arm, is it?
Only if you’re not prepared for it to hurt like a bitch. That’s where my 4th tattoo is and it hurt WAY more than the others. (That said, I love text tattoos in that location.)
Oh, I know it will. That part is fine. I have tattoos on both ankles and on the back of my neck, among others, so.
Huh! I have a tattoo on my inner upper arm and I barely felt it! My other tattoos at the time were on my ribs (the most painful thing in the whole world) and on my calf (was told it wouldn’t be painful but it really really was). Bodies are WEIRD, I’m saying.
Weird indeed! I also have a tattoo on my ribs and it was fine! The one on my back kind of hurt but mostly because it was larger and took longer, and I’ve had cat scratches more painful than the one on my inner wrist.
I only have two tattoos, but the rib one hurt SO much more than the one on my hip. Anyone have experience with thigh (front) tattoos? That’s where I’m considering putting my next one.
Mine is side of thigh. Its my only one so I can’t compare, but it wasn’t horrible.
If by “weird” you mean “awesome,” then yeah, totally.
No, it’s not. And I’m actually thinking about getting “How lucky we are to be alive right now” 🙂
Oh shit, that’s amazing. 😀
My friends. Look at this photo. He knocks me out; I fall apart.
omg he needs to STAAAHHHHP
Hairdogmusclesmilefaceheeeellllpppp
HIS ARM MUSCLE IS BIGGER THAN THAT ENTIRE DOG *starts spontaneously nose-bleeding like an anime character*
THOSE ARMS, THOUGH. *dead*
I’m typing this from beyond the grave.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Is it legal for my heart rate to accelerate this quickly all at once?
my body’s sayin hell yes
I saw someone on tumblr having the tags “#I have a Daveed Diggs situation” and “#the situation is I’m in love with him”. I’d say this applies here
h e l p.
this picture has killed me, i am dead.
Help! Hamiltonians!!! I finally pulled the trigger and bought my tickets for a late February Sunday matinee. Then I read in Leslie Odom Jr’s Grub Street Diet (thanks for the link, Nicole!) that Sundays are their days off. SUNDAYS OFF!!??!! SUNDAYS OFF??!!?? I’m such a Broadway newbie-are Sunday matinees for understudies??!! I already know LMM will not be performing but will I not see Daveed? No Groff?!? No Soo?!? No Goldsberry? Savvier Broadway fans please help me out. (Sorry for all the punctuation. I feel a might strongly about this.)
I believe what he meant is at that time, they weren’t performing on Sundays, but they were on Mondays. That has switched now- they have Mondays off and there’s a matinee on Sundays.
You’ll definitely be seeing Javilton, but unless someone is ill or something else comes up, everyone else should be there. BTW, there was no Phillipa Soo when I saw it in March, and her understudy was amazing beyond belief. Just absolutely incredible.
Thank you very much! I think I can exhale now. I would’ve been bummed to not see at least some of the original cast, especially as the tickets were, oh wow, just so, so much money.
I have so much joy in my heart right now.
Crafty thread!
I made a pair of cut-out leather gloves:
Ended up looking kind of Mad Max-ish, which I wasn’t expecting.
Those are amazing! Did you use a laser cutter?
That’s so cool! Did you do all that cutting by hand?
I made most of a grey jersey dress last night! Still needs hemming at the hem and sleeve cuffs, but I’m pretty into it. I think my fall/winter goal is to sew a bunch of super comfy dresses.
Yes, I drew the pattern freehand and went at it with a scalpel (and nail scissors for any stubborn bits).
So impressive!
Nifty! I love the irregular pattern.
Those are gorgeous!
Holy crap those are amazing.
Those are gorgeous! I’ve been working on knitting blanket squares lately. I plan to spend a good chunk of the winter on my couch under a pile of throw blankets, so when I finally put everything together it should be a nice addition to the nest.
THOSE ARE SO COOL.
Those gloves are incredible!!! They would be perfect with a Mad Max costume.
I’ve been cross stitching a lot in my recent unemployment. I finished my Nightmare Before Christmas cross stitch,
and I started a Werewolves, Not Swearwolves one (from What We Do in the Shadows, which is the best and everyone should watch it right now).
I’m starting on a PacMan Christmas one next.
Oh my god that Nightmare stitch is fantastic! Well done!
Thanks! I’m pretty proud of it. And I can keep it up for Halloween and Christmas, so double the decorating!
Ahhhhh I really need to watch What We Do In the Shadows, like, stat. Also your cross-stitching is on point (what a pun).
You really do, it’s so fantastic. I watched it today, it’s a perfect Halloween movie!
AGAIN THIS IS SO COOL
has your cat tried to get tangled in it yet
Thank you!
I’ve been keeping them somewhere she can’t reach, so they’re safe so far. And since she *ate* the leather scraps, I think she’d quite like a taste of the gloves as well.
I made this shirt after not having access to a sewing machine for a while and I am SO pleased. It is the first thing I’ve made that I want to wear on a regular basis and feel like it doesn’t look totally homemade (so far I’ve made a skirt that I have worn a couple times but turned out shorter and in a louder color than I planned, so it’s not really everyday wear and a dress that has some weird bunching and just generally doesn’t look quite right). Yay sewing!
I also am just about finished with an embroidery sampler/practice piece that I’ve been working on for a while and am planning on starting one that says “these are the days of miracle and wonder” for my dude for Christmas and/or our anniversary (which is just after the new year, and also vaguely terrifying that we have a one year anniversary happening). Also still chugging along on Cordova from Brooklyn Tweed, which is a fun knit but very slow going.
That is a cool shirt! I think the person who made that pattern used to babysit me when I was a child? She used to bring cool crafts so it checks out. the internet is amazing.
Craft thread!! I recently moved and have been going a little overboard with the crafts. Such that that last night I found myself grooming a DIY macrame curtain with a paddle brush and blowdryer. (It wasn’t hanging straight! And it needed a haircut. It totally worked.)
grooming a DIY macrame curtain with a paddle brush and blowdryer
I love the mental image I’m getting.
I’ve come to the realization that I need to either start making the yo-yos (from leftover bloomer fabric) for the damn yo-yo quilt or admit defeat and free up that real estate in the craft room. I’ve made nearly a hundred, but I need like, five thousand for a queen-size quilt.
Oh my god. The thought of making all them yoyos is making me twitchy.
The finished quilts are awesome, though. CONNUNDRUM
I’ve only been semi-productive lately (see a comment on page 2 about interviewing for a new job) but the stuff I have done I’ve been proud of!
Sailboats for my cousin, on the occasion of her newest baby’s birth!
A floral sampler!
And touchscreen capable gloves!
The makerspace at my work is going start offering workshops on sewing and knitting! We’re also going to stock some basic supplies, like needles and fabric, and create collaborative casual projects like a practice scarf and a test embroidery. Our first basic sewing workshop is going to use this as the project – so, so simple.
Shameless plug: you can see more of my work on the ol’ Instagram and if you followed me there I would be happy!
I follow you on Instagram, and I love it!
Yay thanks! Can I return the favour and follow you back? Let me know your username!
Oh sure! Odonata7! But it’s 99% pictures of my dog.
Dog pics are the beeeeest
Those flowers are incredible! I took an embroidery workshop a few weeks ago and still need to finish the improv-abstract-triangles thing I started there. (And I now follow you on insta and discovered that we are in the same city!)
Yeeaahhhhhhh Toronto FTW! Where did you take the embroidery workshop?
Trade secret: those flowers are *the easiest* – it’s actually only 6 stitches! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w174PpfqROE
Oh gosh I’m in love with that flower sampler.
Does anyone want to chat about American Horror Story? I am LOVING Hotel; it’s the best season since Asylum.
I was so crushingly disappointed by the last episode of the first season, I haven’t watched any of it since. Do they pull it together in other seasons? It was going SO WELL and I thought that first season was some of the best TV I’d ever seen and then it all fell apart in that last episode and honestly I still haven’t recovered.
Toasties! I married my favorite person on Sunday! This is the first of the photographer’s pictures. It was an amazing day! We had a rainbow color theme, and there was an actual rainbow. It was all just the best!
*SQUEES FOREVER* MARRIAGE AND WEDDINGS AND RAINBOWS AND RINGS
Congratulations!!!
So beautiful!! Congratulations!
MAZEL TOV!!!!!!!!
omg those RINGS!
Thanks! I would love to take the opportunity to give props to our jewelry people, because they are awesome both as artists and people. The claddaghs are from R. E. Piland, who is a Virginia-based goldsmith specializing in Celtic designs, and the remaining rings/bands are from McFarland Designs, who is awesome because she only uses fair trade and lab-created stones, as well as recycled metals. So if anyone’s in the market for some neat jewelry they can also feel good about….
Noted! Thank you!
Spectacular photos!
Congratulations and best wishes for a long and happy marriage!
Mazel tov!
Loving the yellow suspenders/tie & orange shoes/tie gents, but mostly loving how glorious & happy you & your spouse look.
Mazel tov! So beautiful!!
Gorgeous! Congrats!
And double congrats on hiring a photographer that’s taking care of business! (It took us nearly 3 months to even get a handful of preview images out of ours, and I’m still a bit bitter about it… even though the photos ended up being amazing.)
Congratulations! Your pictures are beautiful.
congratulations!!!!! 💕
Rainbow theme? Sparkly shoes? Are you the one who crafted those amazing rainbow crystal covered shoes?!? I still dream about them.
Yes! That is me! I swore to share some wedding photos once I had them, so here they are! I am hoping there will be additional photos of the shoes in their full glory, but we won’t know really until we get the full set of photos in about a month. They actually held up really well, and I only lost a few stones, which I replaced before tucking them away until their next special event.
One of my parents’ cats — the one who used to be mine but who I traded because he hates where I live and they had a cat who is obsessed with me — just had what is probably a mini-stroke and I am awfully worried about him. They took blood and urine and now he is hiding in the basement.
I’m sorry. I hope your kitty cat is feeling better soon. I admire his honest response to medical intervention; I, too, desire to hide in the basement when forced to give blood.
Poor kitty, hope he’ll be ok.
I’m sorry, I hope your cat will be okay!
Thread below if anyone wants to talk (pro or con) about the recent spate of churchy content on the Toast.
I kind of love it? I am Jewish, more culturally than religiously, but I find it super fascinating to hear about other peoples’ experiences with faith discussed in such a reasonable, gentle, funny, Toast-like manner. I like that a space exists for talking about faith or the lack thereof that is as open and mutually respectful as everything else here. I have to kind of smile and vaguely nod at the ones that are funny for the people with a really intense Christian upbringing, because I’m not in on the joke, but I haven’t seen either Hamilton or Mad Max either, so.
I am fine with it, if only because it is Halloween and death and ancestors and religion are terribly, wonderfully mixed up in my family so this time of the year always gets me in a more religious-ish mood.
my feelings are kind of confused and messy, but overall, i’m just rolling with it.
1. there has always been some “churchy” content, as you called it, due to mallory’s background.
2. we’ve always seen content that’s personal to mallory and nicole, like nicole’s “feel the burn” series, for instance.
3. they seem to be doing a pretty good job at trying to balance it by introducing the “convert” series, which doesn’t focus just on christianity.
4. overall, the content sees to skew non-“churchy”
5. i haven’t sensed even the slightest whiff of sanctimony.
that being said, i’m not really interested in it, sometimes feel a little uncomfortable thinking about it, and so i just ignore those posts. i think it would be interesting to have a counterpart to the “convert” series about loss of faith, or never having faith and feeling bad about it, or never having faith and feeling totally okay about it, whatever! they’re already doing a pretty good job but i think there’s always more of the spectrum to explore.
I find it interesting, but also a bit weird about it too. I’m practically third generation atheist so really have zero connection to religion in my life.
i think i just don’t get it. i’m an atheist who was raised culturally jewish but with no pressure to actually have faith, so pretty much all of it goes right over my head. so does a bunch of other stuff on the toast: exercise talk and hamilton talk, for instance, so it shouldn’t be a problem. but i guess i just feel weird, personally, about faith talk!
It’s also hard too as I do think there is a place for some amount of pushback on religion from an athiest viewpoint (without veering into total asshole athiest mode). But that’s a hard line to find.
(I’m with you on the Hamilton stuff too. I meant to listen to the soundtrack but I’m a more visual person and also just haven’t yet).
Yes! It’s hard not to respond like a dirtbag atheist. I strive to keep my “ughs” to myself.
Also a third generation atheist!
I don’t really mind the religious articles, but it’s also not a topic that interests me personally.
(Although I do love the “Bible Verses Where X Has Been Replaced by Y”).
Yeah, they don’t bother me so much as I just can’t relate at all. I’ll read through them out of curiosity often (and because I read almost everything that gets posted here).
That’s such an “it takes all kinds” thing to me, because the “Bible Verses” series is the only religion content I find totally inaccessible and boring. The rest of it is pretty much fine, speaking as an agnostic Jew.
I am another third generation atheist, though my grandfather always said he was an agnostic just in case.
I can’t vouch 100% for the actual beliefs of any of my grandparents (especially since they are no longer living), but they were never religious or went to church in the time I knew them, so I consider that close enough.
I think #5 (no sanctimony) is the key to it all. Mostly I skip the churchy articles, but I have been loving Nicole’s conversion posts. Kind of like her post about having sex after giving birth… she’s so descriptive and real that I just gawk thinking, “I have never thought about how it would feel to be in that situation!”
It has been pretty uncomfortable. I don’t mind the Protestant Reformation jokes so much because those read as more relating to history than to religion, but actual real-life Christianity kind of terrifies me. I’m really trying not to be a dick about it, but the Christian content doesn’t have to be preachy/sanctimonious for me to have fairly deep moral objections to Christianity.
^^ everything you said, grace_adieu.
i am an atheist. i was raised Baptist and Catholic, then spent 15 years as a practicing pagan. let’s just say i am a much better and happier person without any of it and i have no love lost for religion, organized or otherwise.
i have always considered the toast a safe space. the recent addition of so much overtly Chiristin content (as somone said downthread, “two monks is one thing. ‘my personal experience with god’ stories are another”.) made me realize that one of the things i had been safe from here is religion.
(and i’d give up two monks if that meant never reading about religion here ever again, honestly.)
Yes, thank you! I feel like it’s a little odd, but then it’s not my website and I don’t have to read any articles I don’t want to read. I can’t say it makes me feel unwelcome (atheist here), or anything, just a little…..put off.
I seriously considered going anon for this, but in the spirit of honesty, here I am.
On Tuesday morning I opened the Toast to find four headlines on my tiny mobile screen: Prayer, Meditation, Being Christian on Twitter, Church Puns. (I realize that it’s partially about the tagging and related content functions of the redesign, but the fact remains that it’s all recent content.)
Our fearless editors’ experiences notwithstanding, spirituality/religion/The Church are very painful topics for a lot of people. It’s hard seeing a run of posts with such a limited scope of viewpoints: from overtly pro-spirituality to—at worst!—gentle ribbing.
Having atheism characterized in Wednesday’s conversion piece as just a phase on the way to having a mature worldview hurt more than I expected. I don’t think of myself as an Angry Atheist, but the treatment of atheism in the piece did make me a little angry. (Not to mention today’s deleted comment and that ridiculous “punching down” tag on the Twitter piece.)
Look, I get that a site like this is going to reflect the interests and worldview of its editors. (If I ran the site you guys would be reading a lot about baby zoo animals and My Very Important Opinions about Age of Empires.) BUT, after Nicole explicitly saying the site wasn’t going to become churchy in light of her conversion… it’s feeling pretty churchy to me.
You know, I like the religion content, but I agree that having that much content on ANY TOPIC in a single day is too much! And that’s something that our editors can hopefully take into consideration.
You’ve articulated my feelings about it really well here. Thank you!
Just saying, I would totally read your important opinions about Age of Empires.
Well put! I’m with you!
Thanks so much for starting this thread. My thoughts on all the church-y stuff haven’t crystallized to the point where I can add anything to the conversation, but reading the responses from other Toasties (and Mallory’s super gracious and understanding reply) have loosened the knot in my stomach a bit.
I am here for the “I love you more than I can articulate, but your recent god-stuff is making me vaguely uncomfortable” train.
I grew up evangelical and I get the jokes, but there are things about Christianity in my life that have and do cause me pain, and when I see the articles I get, like, little heavy-heart jabs. This isn’t always a bad result! I get them when I read articles about sad things or frustrating things or whatever too, but when I get them because of articles that are clearly intended to be fun and funny it’s…weird. It doesn’t happen with the historical Christianity stuff, or the academic theology stuff, but with the personal and the in-crowd and the ever-so-slight ‘atheism is a phase’ stuff.
Anyway, as everyone else has also said: this is y’all’s site, and I am still so here for all the rest of the content and also to help you move your couch and stuff.
My only response, and this isn’t a good or bad thing, it just is, is that I remember YEARS ago when Nicole was writing for the Hairpin and I was still considering myself a Christian, she dropped a line in one post that was gently but firmly atheist (I couldn’t tell you the context or exact words, but something along the lines of “But god is imaginary, we all know this, right?”), and for some reason it hit me in the gut and really offended me! I think I may have even avoided her posts for a while, because I felt like I’d been mocked, or something like that.
BUT, little did I know that over the next few months, my carefully-taped-together liberal Christianity would start wobbling, then cracking, then crash down spectacularly, leaving an agnostic maybe-atheist who suddenly felt at peace with her life and ethics and morals, and it was quite lovely. And honestly, I think Nicole’s comment, even though it offended me at the time, was one of those little things that contributed to the wobbling of my faith, that a writer who I thought was wonderful and kind and respectable could get by without religion and be honest about it.
So basically, it’s intriguing to me on several levels how things have panned out!
I would read this story in the conversion series! That’s an amazing coincidence.
I was thinking about that post the other day, and how funny the world is!
I definitely feel like if someone is flat-out rude about my conversion, it behooves me to just accept it and consider it penance for what a dick I was to people of faith for my whole life.
Like Paul!
The thing is, firmly but gently atheist isn’t being a jerk? But maybe you were a jerk other times, as we all often are.
Oh, I was not actually gentle in that thread, as I recall. Firmly and gently is not something I would have regrets about!
YOU GUYS SWITCHED PLACES THAT IS AMAZING
(If I ran the site you guys would be reading a lot about baby zoo animals and My Very Important Opinions about Age of Empires.
WOULD READ.
Having atheism characterized in Wednesday’s conversion piece as just a phase on the way to having a mature worldview hurt more than I expected. I don’t think of myself as an Angry Atheist, but the treatment of atheism in the piece did make me a little angry.
I was uncomfortable with that, too. My atheism is not just a rebellious phase in between religions; it is what I have always believed, and is me being true to myself. I’m not reacting against a bad experience of religion and will grow out of it when I get more mature; it just is.
My parents are religious in approximately the same super-gentle, non-judgmental way, so it doesn’t bother me. I’ve been sending Nicole’s churchy pieces to my mom and I think she really enjoys them!
Same here! My encounters with Christianity growing up were largely positive, I just moved away from it for my own reasons over time. Because my family’s version of it is so gentle and giving, it’s a little surprising to encounter the viewpoints of people who have a negative reaction to (what I personally see as) well-meaning mentions of it. But I’m learning from you guys (and other friends with similar views) that the more toxic experiences many people deal with really manage to color everything related to the religion and that makes sensitivity key.
But I tend not to click on those posts anyway, cause only so many hours in the day and they’re not the ones I end up prioritizing.
I’m kinda over it? Like, I find some religion discussions interesting, but I just can’t get on board with all the “here are some in-jokes about church/religion” because I don’t get the humor and don’t really care to.
For me, the Old Testament stuff and the Mallory-type jokes (can’t think of any good examples right now, boo) are more like the “x in art history,” not really in-jokes — I get them because History. The Twitter bio one felt like an in-joke. Which is fine, I just didn’t read it. But I certainly don’t want ONLY that.
I enjoyed the “devil-worshipping twitter bio” tangent in the comments. But that was it.
Yes, I relate to Christian mythology and say, Greek mythology in pretty much the same way since I was introduced to both when I went through a period of being really interested in mythology and folklore as a kid/preteen so I’m totally into the Dirt Bag Athena and religious history stuff but way less into the more personal modern “my relationship with God” type things. Not that The Toast has to cater to what I’m interested in at all, I’m just sayin’.
That was exactly my experience! My dad was brought up Catholic and is an atheist, with a classics/ancient history degree. So we went to museums, galleries, churches and temple sites and got the same storytelling approach in all of them. I know my saints in the same way I know my myths, I know the Bible like I know Homer and Virgil…
I feel the same way. Some of it I like and some of it I close the tab part way through. But the in-joke ones bother me. I get the humor because I grew up in the Church but its feels like I friend is saying ‘hey, remember that incredibly shitty and abusive relationship you were in? That guy sure was funny. We should hang out with him.’
Oh that hits the nail on the head.
Oh, man, yeah. Yeah. THAT is what this feeling is, exactly. Shit.
Surprised at how much I love it. It reminds me of how I felt when I realised there would be a lot of exercise-based content; at first taken aback, because it’s so hard to talk about online in Lady Spaces, and because I have a difficult history with body-related-stuff. And then I found myself a huge fan of it, because it *is* a hard subject to write about, and here our generous, brave writers were, because it’s a part of their lives. I feel like religion is similarly “hard” to talk about, so it tends to get circled around, and instead it’s being taken head-on. And I’m about as spiritual as a turnip, but I dig it.
I guess I don’t feel “I am reasonably normal weight and I work out a lot with my expensive personal trainer” is really that hard to write about, and I don’t miss the pictures of the workouts. (I had no issue with Feel the Burns.)
Interesting, I would find it damn near impossible to write about – that combo of weight/”normality”/the class signifiers of having a personal trainer (I have had them, in the past) just intimidates the heck out of me, so seeing it done well took me through several Circles of Feels, whereas writing about my personal relationship with spirituality would be a doddle (though, it’d be boooooring).
I was joking with a friend offline that I could never be part of the conversion series if they pay by the word. 🙂 It’s a very short and boring story!
Right? Mine is practically a Haiku: Sunday school until puberty, gave up on God after reading too many novels. Still like a good church organ recital.
Haha, nailed it!
Maybe not, but it is incredibly difficult to find quality, substantive content about women and fitness that isn’t a flaming train wreck of body shaming and judgmental nonsense. I’ve always appreciated Nicole’s ability to write about fitness stuff in a way that’s sensitive to the vast range of life circumstances and physical ability while still being practical and useful.
And I mean… I can’t afford an expensive personal trainer and I’m super envious of people who can, but that’s not Nicole’s fault?
That’s why I liked the Feel The Burn stuff, because I thought it was interesting and sensitive and well done, and not the “here’s the picture of the workout I did today with my trainer” as part of the daily roundups.
Ah, I see what you’re saying. I’d completely forgotten about those, honestly. I guess I’d mentally filed them under “pictures you have to scroll past to get to the links” rather than “actual content.”
They also have had lots of content from Hieu about lifting heavy. There’s lots of people in the comments who lift heavy as well (including me). For women, that’s kind of alt, and I like having us all together here to chat in OTs
Oh, yep! I don’t lift but I love love love Hieu’s writing about it.
Yep. I’ve been lifitng heavy for years and as a woman, it’s hard to find non-weird* content.
(Weird meaning body-shaming, judgey, “girls can’t lift lolz,” CROSSFIT IS LIFE YOUR FORM IS THE WORST, etc.)
But sometimes the weird content is the best. Like that one golden time where two lifters in a forum got into an argument about how many days in the week there are. Gale force laughter for days.
That conversation was one of my very favorite things of all time.
Treating myself to a re-read:
“MONDAY is 1 DAY
TUESDAY is 2 DAYS
WEDNESDAY is 3 DAYS
THURSDAY is 4 DAYS
FRIDAY is 5 DAYS
SATURDAY is 6 DAYS
SUNDAY is 7 DAYS
Today is SATURDAY, so how many days til SUNDAY? 2 days? NO! It’s only 1 day. “
That thread is a thing of beauty and a joy forever.
I also like how honest Nicole has been about just how much WORK it is. It’s hard, it’s expensive, it takes up a lot of her free time…to me that was freeing. Like, I will not have those results because I haven’t the time or energy or money to do so, but it gives us a space to talk about the fitnessy stuff we can do or like to do in a way that doesn’t devolve to weight talk or shaming.
As an in-betweenie-to-fat lady who had some disordered eating issues in the past, yeah, that.
Edited to add — also broker than broke, too.
Parts of it I enjoy- having been raised Jewish, I find myself interested in Christianity and its accompanying culture in an academic sense. I’m the kind of person who reads non-fiction books about extreme religious sects for fun, so I find it fascinating to hear about how other people were raised.
That said, about 90% of the time, I don’t read the articles with Bible based humor because they’re very New Testament-y, and I haven’t read the New Testament, and it’s just not my kind of humor.
I read that as ‘The New Testament is just not my kind of humour’ and was like ‘sure, checks out’.
I’m an atheist who was raised atheist with little exposure to American-style Christianity so I mostly just don’t get it. I don’t get the humour and am mostly uninterested in a lot of the pieces. It doesn’t bug me, I also haven’t watched and don’t intend to watch Hamilton so I have just been skipping over everything to do with that, too.
That’s more or less the tack I have been taking too. Basically, voting with my lack of clicks. The part that is hard for me is that the Toast is my community (I don’t have much community IRL), so the less content there is that I can relate too, the less human interaction I’m getting. I understand that is MY problem and not the Toast’s problem, but it’s still a bummer.
I am a gaytheist who still does stuff on St Francis Day and feels guilty about eating meat during Friday’s in March. It’s kind of interesting seeing all the church stuff, and a little weird, but it’s probably because Nicole only just converted, you know? Like, everyone who changes religions has that 3-month period where they Cannot STFU About Religion, and then it dies down
I’m a mostly non-church-going Christian, and I like the reminder that some of the “cool kids” are Christian, too!
I can see it being self-reinforcing, for better or for worse: when people see other people’s Christian jokes or faith journeys or whatever on the Toast, they’re probably more likely to submit their own for publication.
I’m basically fine with it, but I have had definite moments where it has felt overly much for me as of late. I enjoy the convert series! I appreciate that this is a website where its creators and community feel comfortable sharing things about their whole selves! I don’t want that to change.
But, sometimes, my whole self comes into conflict with the selves here. I find the unthinking pervasiveness of Christianity in American culture draining and now until January is basically the absolute worst time of year for it. It’s alienating and overwhelming.
Yup! I agree so hard with your second paragraph. I don’t mind Christianity, but it does bug me how it takes over December, which has winter solstice and some lovely, beautiful things, and just sort of talks over them.
Oh your second paragraph. Do Christians in America realize how suffocating December is? And even my atheist friends are culturally Christian, so they Don’t Get It — they don’t have Christmas as being something fundamentally alien and alienating, even when they don’t have the manger in their yard.
I have considered writing a piece about how terrible December is to submit, but that requires dwelling in those December – alienation feelings pre-December.
To be fair, it’s not just Christianity that drives December awfulness, but capitalism. But they sure help each other along! There was a Best Buy Christmas shopping commercial on during the Great Pumpkin last night. I mean, really.
Oh, yes, capitalism is terrible and makes it worse, and is probably why Christmas is so much worse than Easter, when Jewish-history wise, Christmas is far more benign than Easter.
I’m sure plenty of Christians feel alienated by the constant “Christmas is the time you see your whole family and everyone is happy!” message, which…is it true for ANYONE’s family? I know most “Christmas is about Christ!” people have an agenda I totally disagree with but I can sympathize with folks who want to celebrate THEIR holiday, not “The Holidays” as American culture defines them, in the same way I want to not feel obligated to celebrate anything.
That’s not quite it, because when you’re rejecting Christmas as family-togetherness-happytime, you’re still accepting the concept of Christmas as a thing to be reckoned with. Whereas for me, the entire concept of Christmas isn’t just something I’m personally uncomfortable with and wish I could deal with on my own terms, it’s something that religiously is anathema — can’t celebrate the birth of a Savior that hasn’t arrived yet! — but I am constantly subjected to, and need to have responses to, and even secular places and communities have “holiday” parties that are self-consciously catering to me, but are really for Christmas.
I like volunteering on Christmas so that people who celebrate have the day off, I like people being free to have their own meaningful experiences, I look forward to reading what Nicole has to say about her first Christmas as a believer — but the month of December is tough because everyone always does non-stop “holiday” content, and it’s all very grating, even when it’s catering to me.
yes – I know it’s not quite as bad for me as a secular person, Christmas annoys me but I rarely feel actually marginalized or offended by it – but the fact that it’s become essentially a secular American holiday that non-Christians are expected to participate in is so crummy. Like Christmas is not just a welcoming big tent but also a “come in whether you want to or not” big tent. I also have several non-christian friends, atheist and religious, who enjoy celebrating it, so…I wish we could strike a better balance between allowing and compelling non-Christians to embrace it!
“Christmas is the time you see your whole family and everyone is happy!”
I mean, that IS true in my family, but we’re also all raging atheists who just like pretty trees, presents, and snacks. For us, it’s basically just “generic winter solstice happy fun holiday times” under a different name.
My general feeling is that all the fun parts of Christmas (the feasting, gift-giving, etc.) pre-dated Christianity and later had a thin veneer of organized religion applied to them, so they’re really “ours” in a heathen/ pagan sense.
(Also, I celebrate Christmanukkah with my dad’s side of the family).
Same! My mom is big into Christmas (they have 2 trees now for all the ornaments). But it has always been of a secular nature, good food, and my family all gets along.
Though I can definitely see how it can be quite irritating for those with other experiences, and dialing back on the public promotion and commercial nature of things would be a good thing.
My brother and I call it Saturnalia! Just get back to the roots, man.
Is me!
My mum just refers to it as “midwinter festival” now, as she likes having the opportunity to all get together and exchange presents, but is fairly hostile towards Christianity.
No. Or at least for my n=1 I didn’t until I married into the Tribe. Now I find myself getting offended and annoyed on my daughter’s behalf over the supermarket decorations that have already started going up that include soda cases stacked into Santa, the lack of blue sprinkles when we wanted to make Hanukkah cookies last year, the Cat in the Hat Christmas Special on PBS, and on and on. We’re looking at Jewish day school for her and part of the reason is just for strength in numbers. (Although they are openly anti-Halloween which is kind of a problem for me, but a minor one relatively.) and let’s not even mention the woman who asked me, the year of Thanksnukkah, whether there was a special Jewish Black Friday since Hanukkah was so early :/
People complain about how early Christmas “starts” but it’s compounded exponentially when it’s not your holiday.
As a former Jewish day school kid I have lots of opinions (!), but I can tell you that unless your family is frum, Halloween is probably going to be a thing with students if not with teachers, most kids still trick-or-treat, and my parents always made sure I could double my Halloween costume as a Purim costume.
Edit: also, thanks for the support and reassurance that it’s not me being over sensitive, it’s everywhere!
hahaha, extremely not frum. I’m not a convert so our little family is only 2/3 Jewish, although we’re kosher-lite and light candles every Friday and go to services for High Holy Days. The school is Conservative and we’re Reform, so Mr Yarn is still debating whether he’s ok with the theology. I like the idea of 6 years of Hebrew. We’ll see what happens.
My stance is that I really don’t need to read it, and actually I don’t require anything more religious than “two monks discover/invent things”
That said though, I did grow up super evangelical, so I sometimes get a kick out of the DC Talk and other amusing anecdotes just because it’s nice to see the humorous approach rather than the seriousness of “recovering from” Christianity, which is also a thing that is happening to me.
I get that religion is awesome and beautiful to some people and I don’t want to deny them that (not that anyone is asking my permission but I think you know what I mean). But it damaged a lot of people I know and so that’s tough to face, too.
I don;t get any of the jokes and that bums me out. Or any of the serious stuff (even about atheism) cause I’m not even a little bit spiritual, and that bums me out too!
But there are also a lot of books I haven’t read and other subcultures I’m not in that have vast swaths of Toast devoted to them, so I can file the religion content in that same not-for-me-that’s-ok-stupid-brain-stop-being-bummed-out-not-everything-is-for-you file. I understand though if others can’t do that because church things stir up specifically bad memories, vs. a fandom or book you’ve never heard of.
ETA: I do love that this is a space where we can ask dumb Church 101 questions and know we’re talking to thoughtful, feminist people who know not to talk down to one another or assume we all have the same background or politics or whatever. I may not click on a lot of the church-y things but I feel like I have learned stuff about my toastie friends from them & the comments on them. This thread included!
It makes me feel much less alone that there is a space where I can exist as a feminist, queerish, progressive Christian. The uptick is part of the ebb and flow of spaces like this, no?
Okay, so that makes me feel a bit better about things. Thanks for saying it.
I am in a similar place (although I don’t really call myself a Christian anymore, but I don’t NOT call myself one. Basically, I am trying to figure out if I believe in god anymore) and feel the same way as you do about this content. I do see how the uptick could perhaps have been upsetting for some people, but I hope it’s always here in small doses.
Agreed. One of the things I love about the Toast is that I can be openly progressive, queer, feminist and Christian here. And I’m not alone.
I also think it’s worth living in the discomfort of diversity: we aren’t all Christian (or not! Christian); we aren’t all librarians, we aren’t all into Hamilton; we don’t all have graduate degrees in literary theory….
Yeah. I’m an atheist (though most of my experiences with Christianity have been positive) and I’m far, far more alienated by the posts that assume I’ve read obscure-to-me literary writers, or have graduated college.
I am decidedly indifferent to it. Speaking as someone who grew up religious (confirmed and everything) in a happy, low key way, and then slowly transitioned to atheism for similarly non-dramatic reasons, most of my thoughts about mainstream religion can be summarized as “I don’t care.” I just don’t spend much time thinking about religion or my lack thereof, and it’s not a part of my life anymore. So I mostly just ignore the articles and go about my business. The volume of content has been the only issue I’ve had so far, but that just means less Toast articles that I’ve been distracted by.
That said, the non-stop Hamilton evangelizing? THAT gets my goshdarn dander up! I AM OFFENDED BY THIS WEBSITE’S PRO-MUSICAL-THEATER AGENDA. (I am not being serious.) (Okay, I am, a little.) (*Goes into therapy for childhood summer drama camp related trauma.*)
At least there’s a possibility of escaping the occasional Christian content by just not reading those posts. With the Hamilton evangelizing, it’s NON-STOP and EVERYWHERE on the Toast. (In my case I do love musical theater, it’s that the constant Hamilton love-train has just gotten kind of tedious.)
I don’t have deep thoughts on religion stuff (I like most of it, as an atheist, but I am privileged that Christianity growing up was a sometime annoyance, not something that hurt me deeply so my thoughts aren’t that relevant) but this is a good reminder to keep the Hamilton stuff down a bit and to specific threads/ posts.
As much fun as I had trolling Mallory the other day.
ETA: I actually really value the religious stuff (when spaced out) because any hope of the US becoming a more just place (and this applies worldwide too) requires non-religious folk and like-minded religious folk to make common cause. Whether we talk about ending war or ending mass incarceration, none of us can do it alone and a lot of the Toast posts are good reminders that there are like minded religious folks.
I’m finding it fascinating but top 5 things I would read a book about are nuns, Mormons, FLDS, ballet and cults, so. Also I am Presbyterian-becoming-Episcopalian married to a Jewish man and raising a Jewish child so I really enjoy hearing other people’s stories of how they figured things out. My growing up was just this side of a lot of the wackier evangelical stuff (signed a true love waits card, twice, but never got a ring) so I can relate to most of the humor stuff.
But I do see where it can be offputting for people who have suffered from an unhealthy religious environment – I definitely do still have some weird ideas floating around my head, which is part of the reason I’m ditching the Presbys – even PCUSA still has Calvin back there. Plus the Episcopalians have better coffee hour 🙂
Big ol atheist here, tempered with a new agey childhood and a religious studies minor! My thirst for knowledge of things I Just Don’t Understand is unquenchable and I am a huge fan of the churchy content because it’s a subject I happen to find super fascinating.
That said, I imagine a great deal of my enthusiasm would be lost if I had any painful personal experiences with religion in my past. That said, I think the Toast is doing a great job of shedding light on the more joyful aspects of religion that we nonreligious types often don’t see.
Exactly–let me drink deep of that which I do not understand!
I like the convert series, generally. I had issues with the atheist one (a lot of issues, and I say this as an atheist who doesn’t like Dawkins etc — but it isn’t having faith), but that was just the typical disagreement with any personal essay.
Anything with art feels different — more part of art history than religion — but I wouldn’t mind seeing religion spread out more, and a lot more non-Christianity, and maybe even more facts about the religions and less personal feelings.
I won’t stop reading, I can always skip articles I don’t like, but it’s sometimes slightly disappointing to see yet another article about religion.
It’s interesting to me, but not more interesting than, say, queer roundtables or sex worker memoirs or interviews with writers or fake Monks inventing stuff or advice columns or fem-slash Fridays or basically anything else, and it makes me wonder what content is getting bumped so that folks can write in-jokes that I don’t get (and therefore don’t read) about Twitter bios.
(Also, um, still haven’t seen or heard Hamilton, so the crowd’s fervor on that topic is also not pressing any buttons for me. But this too shall pass, right?)
hahaha this made me wonder what the Toast would look like if we got a browser extension that swapped the names of Biblical figures with Hamilton characters & vice versa? Because I feel like the comment sections are already full of zealous conversion stories, just to the Church of Rapping Founding Fathers 😉
If you need to talk to someone about how Hamilton isn’t good, I am here for you. Call me, anytime, day or night.
I WILL LITERALLY TURN THE TOAST INTO A PRACTICING SATANIST PUBLICATION ABOUT KALE RECIPES WITH GOOD CHEER BEFORE I WILL EVEN SLIGHTLY CUT BACK ON HAMILTON CONTENT
Okay, but cut back a little.
it is MY link roundup why don’t YOU cut back on paintings of dogs
I love you so much, you terrible fuck
I am confused. Do you just dislike Hamilton (totally your right! it’s not everyone’s thing!) or do you….genuinely think it’s not good? Which is also totally subjective, but….I’m curious about your reasoning.
I’m not thrilled. If it’s art/history humour that happens to have a bit of religion thrown in that’s fine – I study art history, the history I’ve studied has been weirdly focused on church history. But I am an atheist. It’s not so much that I feel threatened or uncomfortable as that I’m a little sad that of all the things we could be talking about, we’re talking about Christianity? For many personal reasons I respect but cannot condone those beliefs. Sorry. I still love The Toast, but I hope this stops.
You did a better job articulating in this one paragraph than I could in whatever amount of word vomit I expended above. Thank you for chiming in. 🙂
I grew up in a nonreligious household in a fairly religious (not evangelical) area. I remain nonreligious to this day. Personally, I really like the thoughtful essays and interviews that fall under the general heading of “people figuring out how to exist in the world.” It is almost therapeutic in a way to read about people who aren’t using Jesus as a weapon.
In contrast, I find the in-jokey content really offputting… similar to relatives/peers who would latch on to the fact that I didn’t go to church and make An Issue of it. That being said, this is at least partially a Me And My Personal History issue. But I would be lying if I said it didn’t bother me, even as I realize that not every joke is for me.
I got a weird feeling about it — and I want to make extra-clear that I think of myself as basically a guest here, rather than sort of an “official” reader, so I wouldn’t expect that my position on this would be of a high degree of relevance — BUT I think that, for personal reasons, I have an instinctive aversion to the sort of creeping presence of Christianity in everything. I grew up feeling like it was a kind of constant, suffocating presence, and while I definitely know that talking about difficult and personal things is a huge part of the Toast and is something that is very important to everyone here…I don’t know, it just doesn’t always feel like…
Hm. This is probably mostly my imagination, but I guess i feel like in the US, I see Jesus stuff everywhere, all the time, and I have a gut reaction that leads me to push back against it.
(edit: I deleted this comment from elsewhere in the thread because I couldn’t figure out who I wrote it too. Sorry if I caused confusion!)
Ah, dude, you’re one of my favorite people here! I highly doubt anybody thinks of you as “basically a guest.”
I appreciate that!
Nevertheless, I’m trying to remain real cognizant of the space that I take up and the ways in which I can appropriately do that. Thinking of myself as a guest in someone else’s house goes a long way towards helping me do that.
Oh, totally, that makes complete sense. Really, it’s that kind of attitude that makes me feel so comfortable saying that for me, personally, you’re One of Us (whatever kind of weird paradox that might be).
Well, very good, I am glad to know that it’s working!
Yes, this, me too.
I am with you on pretty much all sentiments (including feeling like a guest here).
an instinctive aversion to the sort of creeping presence of Christianity in everything
Oh man, this is so extremely well-stated. Thanks.
This is sort of how I feel, too. I think it comes in part because as a Jewish person, I grew up similarly aware of the “creeping presence of Christianity in everything”. Especially as a child where it seemed like Christianity was everywhere in school (see: Christmas decorations, never getting the Jewish holidays off and being penalized in attendance for having to miss school for them, literally explaining to the same classmates every year in a row what Hanukkah was without any of them ever remembering, etc etc). I don’t think it helps now that Christianity does seem to be even more present (in the U.S. at least) these days, with the way it’s become even more noticeably entwined in politics.
So yeah idk I guess it just feels a bit like, seeing more of it here, too, makes it feel even more “present” and adds to the overall suffocating feeling.
(And all of this is probably in part why I was SO HAPPY to see that Jewish conversion post the other day.)
I think related to this, and one of the reasons that the “punching down” tag on the Christian twitter profile article was so weird, is that there is a certain kind of Christian (not our editors or, frankly, anyone at the Toast at all — so, painting some people with the wrong brush or what have you) that sometimes talks like Christians are all, fifteen hundred years of hegemonic control over western culture notwithstanding, still just one bad emperor from getting thrown to the lions?
In any case, I’m not trying to cast aspersions or make anyone feel bad, I am just trying to articulate what seems like a little bit of a weird feeling on my part that I’ve been having trouble putting my finger on.
Yes. The punching down joke is the only thing that has really made me feel uncomfortable as an atheist in this whole spate of Jesustoast. (But I’m in the non dramatic atheist camp, I don’t have any huge Christian trauma in my background, I just don’t think it is true, and I am very interested in why some people would think it is.) It is starting to feel like a bit of Jesus overload but that just made me think, ha, zeal of the convert. I’m assuming it will calm down.
I’m really sorry about that tag, and sorry it upset you! It was all my fault. I was just clipping along wordpressing as usual and was trying to think of a cleverer way to say “these are Christians mocking THEMSELVES not other people mocking Christians” than just, you know, saying that outright (I think Christians can take the mocking, personally, but also probably wouldn’t bother to publish just PURE MOCKERY of any religious faith, even a majority one, by people outside of it). I remembered a similar tag we’d had on, of all things, the Ozten posts about how it was Australian writers and thus not punching down, either, and just used the same line. It was dumb of me. I am sorry. I could go back and delete the tag if it would help, but would prefer to just leave it there so we can all remember the mistake I made.
Nikki, I think I speak for many of us. We love you. Thank you for being you. And for giving yourself here.
This deserves to be really underscored. I’m so grateful for the amount of thought and care that goes into the editing here.
I love you all too!! 💙 It’s truly a privilege to be here and a lot of fun for me and I don’t ever want to let you guys down.
“Punching sideways”?
that tag was my fault, I’m very sorry about it. I thought about deleting it but then figured it might be better to just leave it so as not to try and pretend I never wrote it. I definitely don’t think American Christians are a persecuted group, or that being a Christian is in any way comparable to being part of an actual underrepresented/oppressed community, and I’m sorry for not thinking hard enough before throwing that term out there!
Totally, although it might be worth removing the tag or amending considering that most people will probably come across that post as a stand-alone thing and not have the context of this discussion to frame it in. I really appreciate your openness about the process of choosing it, and I don’t think it has to stand as a monument to making mistakes. We all do! It would be impossible, I think, to get to the nitty gritty of really complicated stuff without doing so now and again.
That makes sense! I’ll go remove it now, then, and later will add a mea culpa note to the comments on that post.
Aw man and I definitely don’t want you to feel bad about it, it is definitely not the case that I got my dander up about it or anything, like I said I don’t mean to cast aspersions. You do such a great job with all of this stuff, the idea that you might feel even slightly bad for a trivial misstep makes me feel bad and I don’t know how to cope with that.
Ditto. One mistake over the course of bazillions of tags is a very strong track record!
Noooo don’t feel bad then I’LL ALSO FEEL BAD THAT YOU FEEL BAD and it will be a NEVERENDING CYCLE OF BADNESS.
I’m grateful to trusted readers and community members who called my attention to that tag! I really am sorry about the screwup. I didn’t think hard enough and I will next time.
This is really well-put! The feeling of Christianity creeping in more and more in one of my safe, non-religious spaces is bumming me out. Before, in the Days of Old, I felt like religion was one of the less-trod topics, and so it was really easy for me to kinda forget about that whole aspect of the site. But these days, not so much!
I keep trying to write this comment and it’s not coming out right but. I was raised Christian, became Pagan in high school, and have been struggling with depression and a religion of praxis pretty much ever since. I’m starting a dedication in an actual religious organization for the first time ever, and it’s both overwhelming and exhilarating, and that’s before even having any actual religious experiences. And I can’t talk about it because I live in a terribly conservative area and also because – well, outside of explicitly religious communities, talking about having religious experiences tends to get you the side-eye. (I backpedaled so hard when I mentioned something to my therapist about how I was disappointed I hadn’t had one in a while.)
I tend to have a knee-jerk negative reaction to heavily Christian content because I hate that religion gets conflated with Christianity, but I’ve really been enjoying the more thinky religious pieces, and it hasn’t hit my buttons in the way it usually does, I think because I already trust Mallory and Nicole and the Toast in general. Because it’s nice to see it talked about in a not-entirely-religious space, to acknowledge that this is a big thing in some people’s lives and tremendously important, and when you’re surrounded by a culture (like the progressive/feminist/queer-friendly culture, frex) that thinks it isn’t, that can feel very isolating.
Oh, yeah, that feeling of not being able to talk about your faith or your spiritual experiences because your friends DON’T believe and will think you are a nutter is not a comfortable one!
I am a Jewish woman who studies Christianity and Islam, so I am a big fan of talking religion. I generally find the content to be interesting/funny/moving/whatever the purpose of the particular post is. I have been feeling somewhat overwhelmed by the amount of religious and particularly Christian posts in the last few weeks.
1. Spacing out religiously oriented posts more would do wonders. I love the content and the fact that the editors share things they are passionate about and that are so close to their hearts and want to see the content. But sometimes it is too much in one period, even for me. For people who are uncomfortable with the content and choose to skip it, the amount of articles on religion recently means that there are days where they might just be reading the link round-up and one other post. Which can be alienating. Obviously the editors can do what they want with their website and people can and should skip content that doesn’t interest them, but having some more spacing would be helpful.
2. I would love to see more balance in the religious type articles with non-Christian ones. Give me Jews/Buddhists/Muslims/etc. talking about their faith, cultures, tradition, questions, tensions, etc. I know that content is based on submissions, but the editors could try to solicit articles about faith/religion from a wider variety of faiths through Twitter, the site, etc. That would help the site seem less “churchy” while also providing a voice to members of religious minorities (in the US at least) and allowing non-Christians to feel less left out of the conversation here on the Toast. The Toast does not have to be all things for all people, and having Christian editors influences the direction of the content to an extent, so I can understand why that might not be something we will see here.
3. In reply to everyone talking about the conversion series as showing variety in the religious content- it does, and in some ways it doesn’t. The conversion series is talking about important issues to people of faith and is doing so in a moving and thoughtful way. Obviously the interviews are talking about different religions and faiths. But at the same time, it is providing a limited scope to the discussion of different religions. Conversion can be a very narrow lens to view religion through. Also, the interviews are to at least some extent driven by Mallory. Her questions reflect her worldview, her interests, and her knowledge base. Obviously that is how interviews work and she is very conscious about letting the interviewee lead the discussion, but her Christian upbringing is always in the background of the discussions, at least when I read them. This is usually not offputting and cannot be avoided and is obviously not done on purpose or with malice of any sort, but it can at times bring pieces nominally about different faiths into the realm of Christianity again. This makes me love the series no less- just to be clear. It’s just that pieces driven entirely by non-Christians would help with the balance I think.
Yeah, so those are my thoughts. Content could improve in some ways, but I am enjoying it and respect the editor’s rights to run their own site the way that they think is best and to post the content they want to.
I think you hit the nail on the head here. It is very difficult, here in the US, to get away from the feeling that Christianity is the “base” religion that everything else is measured against. On the one hand, in a time when Crazed Christianity seems to be the flavor of the decade, it’s good to see material from Christians who do see that their faith can encompass feminism, queerness of all varieties, progressive politics, etc., and can be a positive force in their lives. But I really would like to hear from people who come from a viewpoint completely outside of, not just Christianity, but monotheism altogether. And yes, the content does need to be spaced out more.
I would love to see more interfaith content on The Toast!
Intense Debate tells me you replied to one of my comments, but I can’t seem to find the reply, so I’m responding here. I’m glad you found my ranting useful and didn’t (it doesn’t sound like it, anyway) read it as a personal attack against people of faith, as that was definitely not my intention. I was raised surrounded by people of faith, but also people for whom big RELIGION overshadowed any personal spiritual belief. My mother worked at the Tennessee Baptist Convention–a job which she hated, for the record, and which ultimately screwed her over. For years I had to completely avoid the topic of my sexuality in email exchanges with her (since it was her only email address and she didn’t have a working computer at home) for fear that one of her coworkers or superiors would see a mention of it and fire her for being accepting of me. Because it was a religious organization, if she had lost her job, the laws protecting religion in the U.S. would have made it difficult–if not impossible–for her to do anything about it, legally speaking.
My grandfather was a deacon at our church. I had a purity ring and went to youth group and on mission trips, and would have been one of the actors in Judgement House (one of those hell houses discussed in the media) if my high school marching band schedule hadn’t conflicted with the rehearsals. Seriously, I had a friend who played a girl who went to hell because she had an abortion. I don’t remember, but I don’t think they touched on homosexuality in our church’s version. It was a subject that was considered too sinful to even mention. Around the time I was figuring that out for myself, my mother was diagnosed with cancer for the first time, and I honestly wondered if God was punishing her because of me. There’s a lot of pain at the intersection of faith, religion and morality for me.
It took me YEARS to recover (somewhat–it’s an ongoing process) from the damage that particular version of Christianity caused me, and I have a right to be angry with the organization itself, but it is NEVER my intention to question the personal spiritual beliefs of an individual or deny their validity. It’s the alignment with the organized religion that I question. If my ranting caused you to spend even a minute in reflection over that, it was worth it.
To be honest, I’m not really sure what I believe any more. I guess I’m sort of agnostic? None of the labels fit well. Even when I was all gung-ho Jesus freak in my beliefs, I never cared for the whole “my beliefs are superior to yours and you’re clearly wrong” aspect that most religions seem to have. Why would my vision of God be superior or inferior to a Buddhist or Muslim or Jewish person’s vision? I can’t get behind the concepts of hell and damnation at all, and the accepted vision of heaven (angels and harp music and one big happy God-worshiping family where you get to see all your lost loved ones again) seems both improbable (what happens if you were married more than once?) and rather dull. If there is an afterlife, I’m hoping that it involves reincarnation or reabsorption into the universe or something. I believe in science and evolution and that dinosaurs didn’t walk the earth alongside humans. I think that human life begins when a fetus is viable outside the womb, and that even at that point, there are valid, moral reasons to choose the mother’s life (whether it’s at risk of being ended or at risk of being ruined) over that of the fetus. But I also believe in the soul and I still pray. (Although it drives me NUTS when people accredit a person’s recovery to prayer or God rather than the medical professionals who made it happen.)
It’s all very personal, and I may never reconcile all my conflicting views, and that’s okay. I’m amazed by anyone whose faith is such that they can look at the world and listen to scripture and say “yes, that’s how it is.” Even as a child, surrounded by religion (I can’t overstate it–I actually owned a shirt in high school that said “Darwin Lied: Genesis 1:1”) I had my doubts, and was mostly baptized to fit in, not because I felt secure in my beliefs at seven.
Anyway, if you got something positive out of my long-winded comments, I’m glad. And now that I’ve gone back in the thread to find one of your posts to reply to you, I guess you could say it’s mutual stalking? 😉
I deleted my comment after reading over it, because I thought that what you wrote looked better without me chiming in at the end. I don’t really want to mess with this one, either, but since you addressed it to me, I’ll reply!
It looks like your beliefs are the same as mine re: the non-superiority of any major religion over another, rejecting the idea of hell and damnation, hoping for reincarnation or something like that in lieu of being transported to an unlikely-seeming zone of eternal bliss, accepting scientific consensus, and being pro-choice. And I believe in the soul and I pray!
What is different between us, and what is making me look real hard at my United Methodist Church membership card now, is the degree to which we’ve personally been burned by Christianity.
I’ve had all of the roses and none of the thorns. I’ve personally benefited a lot from reading Christian books that have been in my family for a long time, and from the friendship and support and conversation of a wonderful, tiny student congregation of Lutherans during my short and awful time in applied math grad school. I appreciate how individual and personal an experience faith is, but I’ve always needed the community and tradition too – without organized religion, my faith and spirituality would not have survived. I would be very sad to give it up, even if that’s the right thing to do.
The closest I’ve ever come to being on the receiving end of any kind of mess-you-up crap was when I was four years old, after my baby brother died, and my parents came back crying and angry from a grieving parents support seminar thing. I asked them what happened, and they didn’t hold back from telling me the truth. The person running the meeting had told my parents (and presumably all the other grieving parents) that their children’s death was God’s punishment for their sin. Of course my parents did not believe this, and they made sure that I also knew it was not true. It wasn’t a Methodist thing either; I’m not sure what it was. (Pretty screwed up is what it was.) But that’s as close as it’s ever come to hurting me.
I’ve known, ever since I looked it up a couple years ago, that the United Methodist Church leadership holds that “the practice of homosexuality is incompatible with Christian teaching.” I know this is bullshit. But it’s not the kind of bullshit that is going to make my parents cry, or strike at me directly. So it’s easy for me to ignore. But I am sure plenty of Methodist kids and adults right now are going through horrible crap similar to what you went through, as a direct result of official church policy.
I know there are Methodists fighting tooth and nail in the General Conference to change it – our very own JGlows among them. They may win. But what have I done to reform the church I grew up in? Nothing. I have been slowly converting to Lutheranism, but even the ELCA’s official position on anything LGBT is a wishy-washy dodge (it says that its membership is too conflicted at present for there to be an official position yet). And even the Episcopalians still leave their individual ministers the option to refuse to perform same-sex marriages.
The only reason to stay Christian is if (1) I have a reasonable expectation that all this will change, and Christianity will be fixed, and (2) if I am willing to try my best to bring about that change. So far I’ve been optimistic about (1) and done nothing about (2). I will, I promise you, internet stranger, find a way to change that.
Thank you so much for writing back to me. I don’t know if I’m willing to say I won’t be a Christian, but I am willing to say I won’t be a Christian bystander.
Takes a deep breath…exhales probably a damn novel- Watch out for me having feelings
Usually I just watch the open thread but I want to be here to say that I love the churchy content on the Toast – I am now going to do my best to explain why: I love it because I grew up immersed in 90’s christian culture, (Forest Home anyone? anybody?) and sometimes jokes about that make me feel less weird about having a childhood in an alternate decade. Really though it’s almost like a parallel universe or something and people will be like
“So when did you see Hocus Pocus?”
Me: “Last week, it was so fun!”
What do you mean LAST WEEK, like last week for the first time?”
Me: Well it had witches so….and also the Lion King had a shaman… and also my grandparents STILL don’t approve of Harry Potter
I mean I had little pink osh-kosh overalls and terrible sweaters – but this stuff makes me feel included
And more importantly- I don’t know It might be my recent move to a place in the bible belt but I feel like I go into a church and worry about looking too gay. Like there’s a big neon sign above my head which floats and says QUEER and I’m in the women’s bathroom worried about how I don’t fit here. This is even a church with like young people and jeans but still. I do not fit into Christianity in this physical place and I DO fit into Christianity in this internet place and I am so thankful for that and it means a lot to me and and now I’m going to be done because feelings.
I can understand that it is totally sucky not to feel included and I am totally down with spacing it out more or something – and I want you to be included obviously, I just wanted to try and explain that it is the only place I have to be Christian and me and not have to worry about it. PS and also I love Mallory and Nicole’s explanation pieces about theological things because theology is fun.
This is a great comment, and something I want to try hard not to minimize. To me, this site should be welcoming to everyone, and especially understanding of people whose lives don’t follow the majority narrative. I don’t want The Toast to become an explicitly atheist site any more than I want it to become an explicitly Christian site (or any other religion).
Not every piece of content is for everyone (something lots of folks have said here and something I have been saying to myself as well), but I hope we can find a balance where we can all continue to feel like this is “our” site.
I guess that’s the danger of how great The Toast is—we’re all depending on it to feel less alone.
No, bb, I LOVE how you brought this up and I want to tell you I have been reading every comment in this thread with like, a little bit of tears in my eyes. Because i LOVE you guys. And you people matter to me more than any religious discussion? And I sure as FUCK know what it’s like to go through being religious and being atheist and being queer and being resentful and being angry and being defensive and being a million other feelings at the same time. So I’m so glad you are sharing this stuff with us, so we can internalize that feedback and respond accordingly.
I really didn’t expect this thread to blow up quite so much, but I am also reading every single post with just *complete* fascination. So many kind, thoughtful people here.
Well, we really do love you guys and we want to make you happy and feel comfortable here, and I never want to not-listen to you when you have pushback, ESPECIALLY when I know it feels weird to give pushback on a very LALALALA WE LOVE EACH OTHER site like this one. I genuinely appreciate it when it happens.
No I
No I now am so WORRIED I said something wrong – I love you I’m glad you’re talking about this and way yes to the everyone feeling included part. I just wanted to put my two cents in and possibly this was not the wisest time for that sorry
That was the blather-iest I don’t know how to fix it.
No you are perfect. 🙂
ETA: And to elaborate, I know what you’re talking about because I grew up in a place where the “alternate decade” you mention was the majority of my small town (and I felt like the only person who was secretly failing to believe the super obvious truth of Christianity). I’m GLAD the toast is a place you can feel less alone, too!
Yes! Totally! And I think one of the things that the Toast does really well is address how religion ends up in the unexpected nooks and crannies of our lives—like you seeing Hocus Pocus for the first time recently, or there was two great posts about Mormon and Jewish alternate-universe Babysitters’ Club-style books for girls. I LOVE that kind of religious writing, because it’s less about church and god, and more about how church and god interact with/disrupt/change daily life.
I’m also interested in theology stuff! I remember having an apologetics bible class in high school, coincidentally the same year I was losing my faith, and having lots of conversations with this older academic-type family friend who was teaching the class that I really valued. There’s a lot of stuff in the general realm of religion I find interesting and wouldn’t mind revisiting (or visiting anew), but the more more personal essay stuff in this regard, I’ll probably keep skipping.
I so relate to the parallel universe experience! I spent early college catching up on a lot of pop culture, and I still have huge gaps in my ‘musical education’.
Especially the no magic thing. I mean, I wasn’t even allowed to read Narnia!
Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Wow, Narnia? That’s funny considering I have a friend who wasn’t allowed to read them because her family is Atheist and those books are SO Christian. (Then again, with the magic and all, I imagine my Southern Baptist family wouldn’t have approved either. I read and saw it all anyway, even if I had to sneak it at the library or a friend’s house, though, because I was totally the person those “Sorry I missed church, I was busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian” bumper stickers were made for. Well, not actually practicing, but fascinated with any occult topics.)
I have a friend who wasn’t allowed to watch Sesame Street because it “promotes short attention spans.” Isn’t it extraordinary how much our upbringing plays into our worldview, even if we ultimately reject said upbringing–and perhaps even more so when we do? Blaming all one’s problems on one’s parents has become sort of a joke excuse for things, but how we’re raised really does have an enormously far-reaching impact on who we become.
Forest Home! Holy shit. Me, me, me, I was there too.
Weirdest memory was definitely the time at the high school camp (went through all three–Indian Village (offensive, in hindsight!), whatever the middle school one was, and Lake Whatever) when they had an after-dark game where the campers were the early persecuted Christians and the counselors were the Romans.
If a Roman suspected you of Christianity at any moment while people wandered through the camp, you had to choose if you would rather publicly denounce your faith or go to the jail to be “executed.”
Whaaat??
Wow I do remember some guilting and life re-committing to jesus and a particular councilor that hated us- but that is the craziest
Just commenting to agree with you here. There are very few spaces irl or on the internet where you can be both progressive, feminist, and… completely open about that time you got baptized in a river at bible camp and it was actually a super meaningful thing in your life even though you now have complicated feelings about your childhood faith. Basically, it’s one of the few spaces I can think of where you don’t have to hide some fundamental aspects of yourself, and I’m grateful for it.
(Totally down for spacing it out/opening it up to a broader range of religious and nonreligious experiences, though.)
Honestly, I’m kind of bummed about how Christian it’s gotten. And, CONTROVERSIAL HOT TAKE COMING, I don’t think it’s about being sensitive to individual people’s negative experiences, because they aren’t individual experiences. Sexism, purity culture, and anti- gayness are baked into Christianity and Christian culture, and you have to squint and turn your head sideways and do a little dance while shouting historical context to get away from that. The actual message of Jesus may not include those things, but the rest of the New Testament, looking at you Paul, is covered in it. And the Church has ran with it for the last 2000 years. So it’s not like it’s a few bad apple church’s that are giving Christianity a bad rep. Obviously, Christianity also brings people a lot of joy and comfort and community and the Church will never change unless people force it to. But having so much of the Christiany stuff it in a website that is so aimed at women and has such a strong LBGT readership seems really off to me. Obvously it’s their website and I still love it to death. But the last weeks have probably been the least I’ve enjoyed the Toast since I started reading it.
I really like how you put this. It captures how I’ve been feeling as well. Additionally, for me it’s not like there was ever a specific time where I had a negative incident or confrontation with anyone in church, but maybe that is because I was really good at pretending to be someone else.
The main sticking point I always come up against with Christianity is the idea of hell. I know that some people here have mentioned their acquaintances practice gentle and non-judgmental Christianity, but I honestly don’t see how that is possible (ETA based on people I know IRL, which is why I’m interested in learning from people on The Toast!). I would be interested to hear more about that and how it works.
Hm, this is so interesting to me! I’m one of the people who mentioned knowing non-judgmental Christians — my parents — and I have never heard them or anyone affiliated with their church talk about hell. All that “if you do this thing or don’t do that thing, you’re gonna burn for eternity” stuff just… isn’t a part of their belief system.
This has been my experience too, more or less. Some loud Christian contingents frame salvation/damnation as the central topic of the faith, but that’s not a universal truth. My Christian upbringing never involved learning about or believing in hell. I went through Sunday School, middle school youth fellowship, and a year and a half of confirmation classes, and honestly the afterlife was treated like an awkward topic nobody wanted to deal with. It was clear to me relatively early that hell was not an idea I could get on board with, so I didn’t. That was in a mainstream Protestant church in a small Midwestern town, not some bastion of progressivism, and from what I observed in class a lot of my peers seemed to break the same way I did.
My Christian friends generally figure that it’s God’s problem whether or not I am going to Heaven and not theirs and they will let Him sort it out. Occasionally we will make jokes about how I expect them to put in a good word for me so I can get in.
There is a really fascinating This American Life (or possibly Snap Judgement?) podcast episode which focuses on an evangelical preacher in I think Oklahoma who comes to believe that Hell can’t exist and basically totally changes his personal teachings and it was sooo interesting to me as the can’t be bothered agnostic that I am. It seems like maybe you would enjoy it?
Edit: It was This American Life: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/ep…
My dad’s been an atheist for decades (arguably all his life – he was raised Catholic, but never felt that he could believe that God actually existed, which did not make for a plesant upbringing), and the fear of hell is still there. It’s one of the big problems I have with Christianity too; eternal damnation is a terrifying concept.
I am SO LATE to this party and I’ve been lurking here waiting to make my point, BUT you just made it for me. My personal experience with christianity is super warm and cuddly (Lutherans! We like coffee! LOL) so for a long time I was like, eh, whatever, it’s harmless.
It took moving to a community with a very entrenched christian presence, and seeing how much that fucked with people who I grew to love so much, for me to realize that no, it’s not harmless.
Parts of it still are! I love my christian family and my old church friends and partaking in the rituals when I go home for the holidays. (Lutherans! Pot lucks! LOL.) But I can’t think of it as harmless anymore.
I agree with so much here. Potlucks! The perfect solution to gathering people and food in the same spot.
But also the damage. I know so many people who have been really, really hurt. I try not to think about it a lot, but when I do, it’s just so very sad to me.
ok i created an intensedebate/wordpress presence so i can join the Toast community more officially (though that up there is me, laurel is me). my tender atheist heart has lived here for a long while, so now here i am, photo and all.
So, this exact question is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately because I have become increasingly faith-ey (not necessarily Christian, it’s complicated), and my best friend is gay and raised Catholic and has a lot of negative reactions to me talking about God and such, very understandably.
To me, the thing is, you are correct that the problems with church and organized religion are definitely way more than “a few bad apples”. But when you’re a person of faith, that can’t be a reason to toss out the entire endeavor because you believe that there is a fundamental, incredibly important truth that is being stamped out by the lies and homophobia and sexism that is so entwined by mainstream religion. I get why, if you don’t believe in God (and to me, God is not a singular, conscious entity and certainly not a Bearded White Man), all the problems with the church would make you want to just say ‘eff all of this’. But when you do believe in God, and you see that the world is full of people with a messed up dogmatic version of what God is, it becomes incredibly important to you to fight those messages about God rather than give up on God. That’s why there’s activist nuns who believe in abortion– they see a fundamental truth in their religious tradition that they want to dedicate their lives to, but they also happen to think it’s bullshit that God is anti-abortion.
The way I see it is, religion exists because humans do not understand even the tiniest bit of what is contained in the universe, and some of us have a sense that we are all connected in some awesome and meaningful way, and some of call that sense of awe and connectedness God. Where it goes off the rails is when, instead of forming loving communities that acknowledge our uncertainty about the nature of the universe and God, we form communities that decide WE KNOW THE ANSWERS AND IT’S A BIG ANGRY WHITE MAN IN THE SKY. But that first part, that feeling that we’re all connected in incomprehensible ways and there’s no other word I can use for it but God? That’s kind of key to my whole worldview and ability to feel OK in my life. So I can’t toss it out. I have a friend who came out as trans last year and she’s part of three churches, and all of them are coming together to hold a Baptism ceremony for her with her new name. I know that’s still not the way 99% of religious institutions treat trans people, but I’m very interested in creating a world where they do.
So where my best friend and I have landed is that, it’s important I be allowed to have my faith and not feel like I have to hide it or temper it. But I also have to acknowledge that people have real trauma from religious experiences, and so I don’t just throw the word God around willy-nilly without explaining what I mean.
Jesus, that was long. Apparently I have a lot of feelings about this.
That was beautifully put, thank you!
Thank you!
I think the difference between you and I is faith. You believe in Jesus, therefore Christianity is something that’s worth fighting to change. I don’t, so to me it’s an organization that has caused more harm than good in the world – and still causes more harm than good, especially looking at all the problems in Africa because of Catholic and Evangelical missionaries re: gay people and birth control – and it would be pretty nice if it just faded away. Which is probably the main difference between most of the people in this thread, whether Christianity is ultimately a force for good or a force for harm, and whether you believe in Jesus or not is probably going to decide where you fall on that opinion.
This articulates things very well, I think. Not believing in God makes it hard to see Christianity in a positive light.
Alright, I’m not going to spend much more time on this because you don’t seem to have read my post very closely, considering that I DON’T believe in Jesus and never said that I did.
But, yes, the difference is that I have faith and you don’t. But my point is, that shouldn’t actually matter as long as we are aligned on the issues that matter. I don’t tolerate homophobia and sexism in any form, and neither do you. For you, that belief manifests in “I don’t believe your patriarchal homophobic God exists” and for me it manifests in “I don’t believe your patriarchal homophobic God exists but I believe there is a God that is completely unlike that”. There’s no reason we shouldn’t be able to be on the same side and fully respect each other’s beliefs. . .as long as neither of us says it would be nice if the other person’s beliefs “just faded away”, because that’s disrespectful.
Exactly. It’s how I’ve been feeling about all the pro-Francis Facebook posts I’ve seen from otherwise liberal friends. Intellectually I understand that people respond better to praise than to criticism, but I’ve never been a fan of the whole “let’s praise someone for not being awful” mentality. Like when straight actors receive praise for accepting a queer role because apparently pretending to be gay or trans or whatever takes more out of a professional pretender than it does to pretend to be a serial killer? It wasn’t a big deal when they played a murderer, but playing someone on the LGBTQ+ spectrum requires soul-searching and courage? Or congratulating a screenwriter or author for including queer characters in their story? “Hey, thanks for portraying the world as it really is rather than erasing us like most of you do.”
GLAAD and HRC Awards never sat well with me. The whole Francis is awesome train has felt a bit like that. Everyone’s all “he’s so wonderful,” and I’m over here like, “no, he’s just not as awful as every person who proceeded him.” And while I was sickened to hear about his supposed meeting with Kim Davis, part of me was like “um. yeah. TOLD YOU SO.”
It’s hard for me to see someone embracing even some parts of that culture, (regardless of how liberal they may be or who they voted for) when said culture thrives and dominates exactly BECAUSE it excludes certain people. My childhood experiences involved two basic types of people. Those who, like my grandfather, 100% truly believed and lived their faith, and those who, like my grandmother, used their religion as permission to judge everyone around them and a way to feel superior. The problem is that the former group tends not to object loudly enough–if at all–when the latter group speaks for all of them. The number of times that I’ve said (or seen someone say) something negative about religion–Christianity in particular–only to have someone go “hey, I’m a ___________ and I don’t think/act that way” is astounding. However, I don’t see many of those people standing up when it counts.
When WBC or Focus on the Family is at some event protesting, members of LGBTQ+ community show up in droves for a counter-protest, but all these straight liberal Christians who “aren’t like that” are nowhere to be seen. Sorry guys, but if you–as a group–aren’t actually willing to speak out on our behalf when it counts, you aren’t really of any help. If you “think it’s awful” when yet another trans person is murdered for walking down the street, but are unwilling to post outraged rants on Facebook the way you did when you found out that (gasp!) bacon was unhealthy, you aren’t making a difference.
And you know, it would be one thing if that sort of behavior was just something that we saw from random acquaintances from high school, but it isn’t. Media tends to paint this all-or-nothing picture when portraying queer experiences. Either you see a family that totally disowns their kid and leads them to depression or attempted suicide or worse, or you see a loving accepting family that totally supports their offspring. (Kurt’s dad on “Glee” struggled for, what, a couple episodes before becoming a super-advocate?) The reality for a lot of us is a lot grayer.
For me it hasn’t been some big, dramatic “I never want to see your face again you awful sinner” OR a big, happy “we love you and support you and just want you to be happy” moment. It’s more like a slow burn, where people tell you they love you and still call you family, but your aunt’s “unsure about how she feels in regard to gay marriage” or your grandfather slips you a “how not to end up in hell” pamphlet when dropping you off at the airport, or your grandmother talks about how “Obama’s ruining America,” and you know that one of the things unsaid in that statement is that he’s helped make life for people like you a bit easier. It’s wondering “If I ever get married, do I risk offending my family by not inviting them? Or do I risk inviting them and having them show up and make faces or snide comments whenever something else they don’t approve of happens. And do I want that kind of negativity on a day that’s supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life?” It’s wondering if it would be safe to leave future kids around family members or if they’ll attempt to “reach” or “save” your kids when you aren’t looking. It’s watching them support politicians and evangelicals who you KNOW have helped fund anti-gay movements abroad, (seriously, look up the connection between the anti-gay movement in Uganda and American evangelicals and politicians) that they’re indirectly supporting having people like you exterminated in other parts of the world.
It’s watching even the most open-minded Christian sects with “come-as-you-are” policies use examples like Jesus spending time with lepers and prostitutes as reasons why their own congregations should be accepting of LGBTQ+ members. (I have no problem with people who are sick or sex workers, but queerness is NOT comparable to disease or prostitution. It’s constantly being othered by people who keep saying “look, we accept you,” but then insisting upon clear distinctions between “us” and “them.” Like that straight ally who wears a “straight but not narrow” t-shirt at Pride, but only at Pride when they’re preaching to the choir and not to school or church or work or the gym. “Hey guys, I support you, and think we’re equal, but I want to make it absolutely clear, even at Pride, that I’m not one of you, so don’t try to hit on me or anything.” Seriously, I think 75% of the ally comments on the internet are prefaced by “I’m not gay, but….” If you’re really so pro-LGBTQ+, why do you care if someone thinks you’re gay or not? If being gay is fine, why do you need to state that you aren’t?
It’s not the faith itself that rankles, it’s the identification with an established sect with established doctrine that pretty clearly condemns anyone who isn’t a white, male, cisgender, heterosexual Christian, that’s the problem. Attending a church or practicing Christianity as a liberal feminist is a lot like saying “I’m pro-choice, but I *love* Dominos breadsticks, so I’m going to ignore that they’re very anti-choice.” Or the Chick-Fil-A founder’s stance is awful, and I totally support gay people, but not enough to give up their chicken nuggets.” At the end of the day, those places are still getting your time and money, aren’t they? You’re still showing up. What difference does it make if you’re silently against certain aspects if you’re still supporting them?
Religion and faith are two VERY separate things. I’m not an Atheist, and realistically, my vision of spirituality (or what’s left of it–seriously struggling with any belief at all since losing my mom) certainly draws from the Christian tradition in which I was raised. That being said, I will never ever EVER identify as a Christian, ever again, even if I wake up one day and decide that the Bible is right, because I will never be comfortable considering myself part of an organization that’s been responsible for so much pain and guilt and shame in the lives of innocent people. I take no issue with Christians and no issue with Christ, (if he existed, it sounds like he was a pretty decent guy) but I have SERIOUS problems with Christianity.
That, I think, is why I don’t like the religious turn the content’s taken recently. Because it feels RELIGIOUS, not spiritual. It’s like saying “hello, I now count myself as being part of this group that openly condemns you, but don’t worry, I’m not like a lot of them.” I mean, technically it’s true. None of the writers ARE like those people, but even identifying as one of them gives them more power and strength in numbers and marginalizes the rest of us further.
With their long and complicated histories, it isn’t possible to separate practitioners from the sects and doctrines they follow, any more than it’s possible for me to introduce myself as an American in Paris without evoking negative things like capitalistic greed, warmongering, capital punishment, and sorry excuses for gun laws. I don’t stand for any of those things, but the association’s still there, whether I like it or not. I could take a job making calls for SallieMae. I might not agree with their (truly awful) tactics when it comes to student loans, but if my being part of their organization allows them to continue to exist, aren’t I in some way culpable? Now we’re ALL culpable in different areas in our lives. I travel. Often. That’s pretty unquestionably bad for the environment, but I still do it. I don’t know what that says about me, but it’s probably not good.
I think I might be in the minority here, but I think one piece I might actually LIKE to see on the subject is Nicole’s come-to-Jesus moment. That’s what REALLY fascinates me, and what I think might lead to peaceful acceptance of whatever future religious content appears on The Toast.
I’d be interested in hearing about how an open-minded feminist who’s fully aware of (and who was previously cynical of) the Christian church’s past and present ultimately decided she wanted to be a part of it. Because as someone who went in the opposite direction, the attraction of organized religion is a lot more baffling than personal faith.
Again, as I said earlier in the thread, the content isn’t enough to drive me away, but it’s definitely true that religious content has the potential to hurt members of the readership in a way that other discussions about things some of us aren’t a part of (American culture, Harry Potter, Hamilton, whatever) don’t. The content could at least use a bit more balance, at present. I wonder if that might have something to do with the redesign? Like, maybe there’s been less content overall, so the influx of religious pieces has been more noticeable? Maybe.
Anyway, sorry for the novel. Clearly I have FEELINGS on the subject.
i also was very underwhelmed and disappointed to see my friends (all of whom are smart and progressive of course) getting all excited about the pope for being “cool,” aka, just not blatantly fucking terrible. the bar should be higher. especially for rich and powerful institutions that have spent a thousand or so years being terrrrrible.
Hi Team! Just wanted to let you know that the other editors and I have talked about this, and much of it is left-hand not knowing what right-hand is scheduling, but we also want to be more conscious of it, and we very much hear you! I personally do not have any future plans to write about God stuff, and I can assure you that you will not face a December of church jokes!
BUT HAMILTON STAYS.
I am Hamilton agnostic, but this gif response made me cackle.
I’m a Hamilton mega-fan and this gif made me cackle.
(In all seriousness, this thread is everything good and right about the Toast, both its editors and commenters. What a damn great website. Despite its unfortunate Hamiltonian obsession. *Is banned*)
I LISTENED TO THIRTY SEVEN OUT OF *FIFTY SIX* GODDAMN SONGS AND THEY WERE SO DAMN CHEESY
IT HAS FIFTY SIX GODDAMN SONGS?
(whispers) forty-six, but they’re mostly short? And also it’s a Broadway musical with an intermission where pretty much the whole thing is songs.
What I really love about this thread is how gently and respectfully we can disagree with one another here. You are all wonderful, never change <3
I really appreciate each and every comment in this thread, and am reading and listening and nodding along, so thank you for launching the conversation!
For what it’s worth, looking ahead on the freelance schedule, we haven’t got any upcoming religion-themed freelance essays, just because I haven’t gotten any great ones lately. We’re definitely still reading and considering every single submission we receive, of course, but at the moment we’ve got nothing religious — let alone explicitly Christian — on the slate, except to the extent it might come up in the Convert Series.
For me it’s been incredibly engaging and has prompted me to actually think about the experience of religion probably more than I ever have, as a very *SHRUG*-y agnostic. But it has been quite heavily concentrated. It would be cool if it were spread a bit thinner. Edited to add: I’ve appreciated the multifaceted representations of Christianity specifically, because I feel like a lot of agnostic or atheist progressive types, myself included, have been alienated from Christianity for so long, and feel so many negative connotations w/r/t social justice reasons. It’s been eye opening to re-ground myself in the fact that Christians are diverse as a group, and that me shying away from devoted Christians *just because they’re Christians* is pretty narrow-minded of me. That said, I do agree that more diversity in the future would be excellent!
I have been enjoying it, because I grew up evangelical and now am decidedly agnostic/atheist, but still miss (some of) what that part of my life offered me. I like reading and thinking and especially joking about religion. But I do think that it would be good to see some more negative view of religion in general represented. Not that I want The Toast to become a negative space–I SO appreciate that it isn’t, and I am just loving how civil and thoughtful this entire discussion is. But religion has hurt a lot of people, and it would be good to hear some of those voices and stories, too.
There are always a few pieces a week that I don’t read, or that I give up on. I don’t click every link in the link round-up.
I grew up with no real faith tradition (my father is DEFINITELY an atheist, despite [or because of?] his altar-boy past) and did definitely feel weird as a kid when everyone else was bringing their First Communion gifts to show and tell and I didn’t even know what communion WAS. But we celebrated Easter and Christmas (in a very secular way). But I have also always been fascinated by religion and faith and other people’s experiences thereof, possibly as a result of it being outside of my home experience. One of my dearest friends is a devout Catholic, another is a Secular Humanist Jew; one of my best friends growing up was Muslim, etc
So the religion content doesn’t bother me. I like Mallory’s church history jokes (even if I don’t get them all) and the “Gabbing About God” because I think the nuances of theology are really interesting (and actually, I think it would be really cool if there were pieces like that for other religious traditions).
BUT I am also aware that despite a few personal “WTF” moments (like being told in the Sistine Chapel that I was going to Hell), I have not really been made to feel personally victimized by religious folk. No one has ever disowned me, or threatened me physically, or tried endlessly to convert me, so I don’t have any trauma around it, and I am white with a very Anglo name and know a lot about Christianity (and some about Jewish theology/traditions) so if I really have to I can fake it, and also I fly under the radar (people just ASSUME I am a Christian) and I live/work in DC, where it’s not something that people really talk about at work (IME).
Which is a TL;DR way of saying: I like some of it, some of it I skip, but I acknowledge that for some people it might be upsetting because of personal history.
Seriously. Thank you for starting this conversation. I feel so much less alienated now, and so many people articulated so many feelings I’ve been having and not wanting to admit to!
One thing I am interested in reading, religious content wise, is a deeper interrogation into religion and race. I say this as someone whose race is deeply defined by my religious heritage which is something I cannot part from even if I am not religious. [Maybe there have been discussions like this that I’ve passed over?] So I guess what I’m saying, is yes, I would like to see less Christian content, but also, I would like to see more diverse religious content? Like how do religious people reconcile racism in religion?
I would definitely be interested in reading that as well.
Likely you saw this, but in case not, this piece includes much of what you’re looking for and I hope to see more like it as you say, http://the-toast.net/2015/08/17/the-convert-serie…
I know that there were some links, after the bombing of Mother Emmanuel, to discussions of Black Christianity and the Civil Rights movement. Which isn’t, I think, exactly what you’re talking about, but It’s fascinating to look at the history of religion through that lens.
Thank you so much for starting this thread – I had been silently cranky and then feeling bad about it and this conversation has been wonderful and reassuring.
Long-time reader, I made an account for this thread….
The thing is, it is SUCH a relief to have a place to be able to discuss Christianity/religion/etc from an unapologetically spiritual AND feminist/progressive view. Like I didn’t realize how much I was CLAMORING for such a space until the Toast started dabbling in it on occasion!
I’m a life-long believer (I guess?) in a tiny, feminist/intellectual Christian sect, and I never get to talk about it with my friends…I’ve tried; it just doesn’t work. But prayer has had such power in my life. Like, I believe prayer has power. It’s like, I know spirituality can be crazy, but it helps me. I doubt ALL THE TIME, but at the end of the day, prayer is what keeps me going. It always has; and has allowed for some incredible things. Nicole’s piece on prayer was…revelatory, even though she prays completely differently from how I do. It was very brave.
And so then I feel like I have to be two different people–super-liberal academic shooting-the-shit-with-friends MissFishersApprentice and secretly very religious MissFishersApprentice. I learned very early not to talk to other people about my religion/spirituality/Christianity…and this was in the suburbs! It’s not all accepted.
So, anyway, just to add in… I would be interested in MORE personal essays/etc types of things approaching religion, including Christianity, especially lesser-known types of Christianity… I basically do not practice Christianity with a church or a community; they all end up being too conservative/oppressive in the end. But the spiritual beliefs can, I usually think, do good. (And as many people have brought up here, those beliefs can differ dramatically from “traditional Christianity”…I don’t believe in hell, or sin, and really pick/choose my way through the Bible…and I don’t think my spiritual self is any less firm for it! )
I just…Christianity has had a horrible past, but so has America. So has academia, so, sometimes, has feminism! It’s not that all of those are the same, it’s just that… If we can’t talk about the multitude of ways we find positive/progressive aspects within the problematic systems in our lives, we can’t talk about anything.
Anyway, at least I feel like that takeaway is just that too many posts about anything similar in a row probably can rouse even the chillest of Toasties.
Except Hamilton. 🙂
And from this first-time commenter to the eds: Yay the Toast! Yay! Yayy! …I’ve never gotten a chance to say thank you for this wonderful thing you’ve created. Thank you.
Okay, you don’t have to publish this comment, but in case it helps
I just commented, and then I went back to see the previous Christian-y content all-at-once and I couldn’t find it? Like, maybe that’s just because I don’t mind it in general (even I also don’t get a lot of the references)…but I was just taking other commenter’s words for it that there was a lot of content all together, and I could not find that.
At least to me, it does not seem like there’s been a lot of Christian-y content in a row. Okay. Just wanted to add that; you can publish or not publish this as you see fit. Thank you again for an incredible website!
Alright, I’m going to put my (late) 2 cents in here. I am of the camp “vaguely uncomfortable but love The Toast so rolling with it, but still can’t help but be vaguely uncomfortable.”
Here is my history. My mom very purposefully left the church, and decided she wanted to see if she could raise her children morally without religion. My sisters and I therefore grew up with very conservative values, without any of the God. As a result, I often gravitated towards religious friends, who were lovely people but from their depth of their hearts, believed that they needed to save me from my damnation. And really, growing up veering between agnostic and atheist in a generally Christian culture meant that a large fraction of my friends and acquaintances consistently tried to sell me on Jesus (should be mentioned my childhood was split between Texas and Ohio, both of which have their own special brand of evangelism).
So, on one hand, I absolutely love and value the diversity here at the Toast, and have no problem reading about Christian experiences or even the occasional Christian in-joke. But on the other hand, stumbling across the “churchy” posts vaguely reminds me of sitting at a lunch table where you have been talking like friends, and then suddenly you are reminded that everyone else believes you are going to hell. Now, I am not AT ALL suggesting that anyone at the Toast feels like this (and indeed, part of what I do like about the Christian posts is what feels like a more liberal and open alternative to the preachy evangelism of my youth), but as a secular person growing up in this environment, I am generally always a little suspicious and defensive about potential evangelism.
That is all to (lengthily) say that much of my discomfort comes from growing up in an environment where people talking about Christianity to you meant that eventually a preacher was going to show up at your door in order to save you (true story). But I keep reading the Toast, because I have a lot of trust in the people here, and do not believe that’s in the cards. And I’m so thankful for this discussion today, and that Nicole, Mallory, and Nikki replied so thoughtfully, because it has done much to soothe the little nagging feeling I’ve had for the past few weeks.
RoseCamelia, thank you so much for your suggestion a couple weeks ago about ways to keep distress and despair at bay – the “One. Thing. At. A. Time.” mantra has been a lifesaver repeatedly whenever the mental hamster wheel starts churning. Things are still up in the air but I’m able to approximate calm. You are a wise and kind person.
Very pleased to hear of your approximate calm, aqueousmedium. I am not so much wise as experienced and struggling. It’s damn near impossible to struggle with anxiety for decades without learning a couple of strategies. But thank you for your compliments.
RoseCamelia, you also helped me about a year ago when I was struggling through some anxiety/depression issues, and this forum was the only space I felt able to talk about it. Things are really looking up now, but it’s been a struggle and am still working hard. Thanks for being like our mother hen!
aqueousmedium- things get better, stay strong. Personally speaking, exercise helps plus taking medication, but also vegging in front of the TV and mainlining dark chocolate. Hope you find what works for you.
Happy Hallowmas to all in Fallen London!
I apologize if you sent me a confession invitation and I can’t return it; my non-POSI invites got gobbled up really quickly and I am working on getting the 500 spirit reward so I won’t be returning most POSI invites for a couple of days. But rest assured that I cherish your nosy intrusion into my personal failings, which are legion.
I’m Cordelia Blackburne in Fallen London, and I approve this message.
Happy Hallowmas! Theoretta Rizing is available for any POSI confession invites my fellow Fallen Londoners might wish to send, and Insufficiency Jones is likewise available for non-POSI discussion of shocking behaviour.
Inpiun is available and has many sins of pride to confess. It might take a while, though (say, after November 2nd).
Artura here and happy to accept all confessions. Also taking on challengers in the Tournament of Lillies.
Octopoda here, and can also take requests (though I’m knee deep in the latest exceptional storyline at the moment).
Happy Hallowmass! Fayezer, Theodora Thundersmith, Elodia, and Miss Andrea Butteredtoast are all happily confessing their deepest secrets to anyone who pops by in a mask.
Briarwoods: still chuggin’ along. An overgoat is still distant as always.
I’m social, I swear!
How do you deal with inescapable exes? One of mine is internet-famous-ish and his most recent interview is all over my feeds. It’s been two years, there are no hard feelings?, but I still get little icicles in the chest when I accidentally see pictures. Already abstaining from social media, but I’d love to hear your suggestions and methods of self-soothing/distraction/confidence-building.
I mean, my advice is “run away to California” but I recognize that’s probably only applicable to my own situation, ymmv
I’m running from California 😉
Take to the sea then, maybe?? That is my favorite coping strategy :/
Social media detox and lucking into solid sex butlers are the best ways I’ve found… good luck!
Working on the butler situation!
I feel you–I have an ex from forever ago who is an author of moderate geek repute and there was no escaping, even I had employed completely responsible post-breakup social media practices. At the time of breakup, every time I saw something it was a punch in the gut, but there was nothing to do but sit and wait the feels out. And maybe wish that he would be banished to an alternate Earth of equal or better value (no hard feelings, bro, really). And maybe avoid the geek websites where I knew he had friends/connections. And maybe cultivate some new feeds/internet haunts.
Also, these days I believe there are some find-and-replace browser plug-ins which would have been highly gratifying to me back then. I would have far preferred to see an occasional headline about “Four Rollerskating Orangutans” rather than about “Ex McExerton,” or whatever.
Yes, tumblr blacklisting has been huuuugely helpful. Thank you!
This is really something I do when I have anxiety in general, but I think it could apply if you want distractions/ways of self-soothing after these probably unavoidable little reminders. What I do is I play simple little online games. Some of my favorites for distracting/soothing me when I’m anxious:
– Touch Pianist (THE BEST)
– Orisinal (A ton of easy, relaxing games)
– Silk (For drawing pretty patterned things)
– Line 3D (Surprisingly distracting).
I hope those help!
Thank you!
A touchstone can be a good thing. Whenever my ex popped into my peripheral vision, so to speak, I remember my bestie yelling, via text “HE TOLD YOU HE WOULD PATERNITY TEST YOUR CHILDREN.” That’s the touchstone for me. I made the right decision by leaving, and I am well now.
Love the concept of a “touchstone.” Would be helpful in LOTS of situations.
No advice but a great deal of sympathy. Is it possible to install blockers on his name in your social feeds? A lot of third-party social clients allow for that.
I am looking into it! xx
Snicker nonstop, thinking “Oh, if only they knew….”
I only very briefly dated someone kinda-nerd-famous and I found that acquiring a locked Twitter account and mocking him mercilessly to the toastie twitter group was quite satisfying.
Little tech assist here? My face was needed over at another WordPress-based publication, to accompany something I wrote for them. But in reactivating said face it also reappeared here, which I did not anticipate. How do I get my face out of here? It’s not a bad face–I’d look worse without it on, to be sure–but it doesn’t need to follow me everywhere.
Click on your name, then click on Account at IntenseDebate, then click Picture, then you can change it.
Hmm, thanks. It looks like if I do that, the results will also appear over on that other site. May have to get my face its own separate email account so this is easier to resolve.
If you use Gmail, you can use an “address alias” as a fake separate account.
Maybe this is what I need to do, because I’m happy to be a donkey now, but Other Website may not be as happy about it. Oy! Technology. Thanks for the tip.
This is what I had to do. It was annoying to set up but worth it so that I could have a persona for the toast and a persona for the craft blogs I comment on.
Make sure you remember what email address you set the other one up as, though. Otherwise there’ll be panic any time you clear cookies, etc.
Woaaaahhhhhh. I just hovered over your face, and it instantly turned into a horse. ARE YOU A WITCH
This pulled me from the slough of despond where I was floating on my back, so yes, definitely a witch. But I turned into a donkey!
Fallen London thread?
Delicious toasties: it’s Hallowmas in Fallen London. If you don’t want to do social actions, there’s still new content: every day a new notable figure will offer to confess their sins to you–most of these have come and gone, but there’s still a few left–and if you don’t have a Destiny yet, you can get one now. (Later you’ll be able to decide whether to keep the confessions a secret or trade them to the Masters, which will get you Spirit of Hallowmas, which will get you rewards. Also they’re nice little snippets.)
In the social realm, if you have menaces (wounds, nightmares, scandal, suspicion) other players can ask to hear your confession, which will drop your menaces. As with the NPC confessions, the people receiving player confessions can keep them secret or betray them to the Masters. Likewise, you can ask other players with menaces if they will give you their confession. Honestly this is all kind of stupidly complicated, so if this doesn’t sound appealing to you just skip it and go with the NPC stuff above. Some references: forum announcement, how to raise menaces, more details plus a million people willing to confess to you.
Also there’s the first part of a two-month Exceptional Story, which I’ve only gotten a little way into because Hallowmas, but if you can’t subscribe this month you can get both parts next month as part of a single month’s subscription. Plus the Myself tab now lets you set predefined outfits and swap them out easily, which is pretty awesome.
What have you all been doing?
What are the benefits of keeping the confessions secret, beyond maintaining good relationships with your connections?
I’m really enjoying the Exceptional Story so far!
You get more Spirit of Hallowmas; conversely, betraying increases your Connected: Masters, which is hard to do. Spirit converts into both one-time rewards and a new option on the One’s public card, which gives Making Waves and some other stuff depending on your Spirit level.
If you’re a practical gal like me then you will have a lot more use for the notability and $$rewards$$ you can get from high Spirit than you will for the essentially useless Connected: Masters quality. But then again, if I was really practical, I wouldn’t be sending invitations to hear the darkest secrets of a hundred internet strangers, so don’t listen to me.
Yeah, the Masters suck, but some people disagree or want to do difficult things or have other reasons, and that’s cool!
Dearest Toast. The last three days have been full of weird dudes hitting on me and it’s making me sad and stressed.
Wednesday: ran into someone I’ve worked with, who’s nice in that kind of pushy “I’m really caring and likeable you should like me” (Xander) way and flirts HARD every time we meet. I think he’s mistaken my reluctance to spend time with him for coyness? Anyway. He makes jokes about marrying me for a passport, and in the space of a ten minute conversation I walk about 5 metres backwards as he continues to encroach on my personal space.
Thursday: I made too-long eye contact with a cute-ish stranger, who then chased after me and introduced himself. Which is brave I suppose? So he gets points for that I guess. But then he keeeeeeeeps taaaaaaalking and insists that we need to go for coffee… I said a polite no but he wouldn’t drop it and it was getting awkward so I let him have my number, maybe I should have lied but I panicked.
Today: a DIFFERENT guy I worked with, who had me on Facebook for work reasons but kept sending me creepy messages about how he was so into me (we worked together for one four day event, spoke maybe twice) until I deleted him, somehow messages me AGAIN asking me to go to a thing tonight. I have been solidly ignoring him for about six months now but the hint has not been taken.
What is happening? Are the boy brains being frazzled by some kind of extra-terrestrial activity? Is it me? WHICH SPIRITS DO I NEED TO HONOUR TO MAKE IT END? Or should I just play Joanna Newsom wherever I go?
ETA: I realise this makes me sound vain and kind of awful but I’m honestly so confused and hopeless. Should I be flattered? Because I’m actually just sad and disappointed in myself that I can’t do better. It’s pathetic and fucked up. I’m lonely, but I’m not that lonely.
…Is this still a thing? http://thehairpin.com/2014/06/the-bell-hooks-hotl…
Bunburying I love you forever, for both your username and your advice.
aw shucks ma’am
It WAS a full moon this week, so maybe there’s something in that, LOL.
In all serious though, I feel your frustration. I mean my go-to methods are the kind where I always get frustrated at even having to do them at all, but basically you know, head down, focus on something else, don’t make eye contact. SIGH. (Although re: the Facebook guy, I would just block him TBH.)
Yeah we’ve definitely reached blocking stage – only thing that stopped me before was that we could end up working together again…
Thanks for the solidarity, it means so much!
A) This is weird and annoying. B) THIS IS NOT VAIN HOLY FUCK.
Listen. I hardly ever get hit on in the way that you describe, and still I do not look at this and think wistfully, “Gee, I wish someone would aggressively ignore my boundaries like that.” Because what you’re talking about is not just “guys hitting on me,” it’s “guys hitting on me and not taking no for an answer.” You don’t need to be flattered by attention that makes you uncomfortable; anyone who tells you that is trying to get you to ignore you own feelings about safety, and that’s manipulative and dumb.
IDK how to make it stop (though maybe Joanna Newsom is a good start) but you do not need to pretend to be into this behaviour LIKE AT ALL. I mean, if Thursday stranger guy is that pushy and insistent about just getting coffee, what else is he going to be pushy and insistent about?
You keep doing you, playa. Big internet hugs.
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU. This has honestly been stressing me out so much and your reply is so sweet it made me cry. I started liking my appearance a lot more, and then stuff like this started happening and it really messed with me….
Hugs right back at you xx
OH GIRL I SO FEEL YOU and I have been there. It’s so complicated. I got into this mindset young where I was like, “no guys ever hit on me or show interest because I’m fat and ugly.” When I realized I was a) hot AF and b) getting hit on frequently without my noticing it, I was briefly thrilled! Until I realized that, oh hey, getting reduced to my body parts and sexual appeal is actually very uncomfortable? So I’m super skeptical of being approached or asked out by strangers or vague acquaintances, because like yes I’m pretty, but do you even know how smart and funny I am? YOU DO NOT SO GET OUT OF MY FACE.
So, basically, you have your feelings, maybe they are complicated like mine, but don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re weird for feeling weird about the attention. You get to decide how you want to interact with people, and only you. High fives.
EXACTLY THIS. “You do you and other people will want to do you too” is great and all but when it becomes “I’m doing me but it makes other people think I want them to do me”, that’s wrong.
They have not been exposed to my dazzling wit and so think they are worthy of approaching me, THEY ARE NOT.
NOT EVEN CLOSE TO WORTHY, FRIEND.
Everything chnellociraptor said. YES.
What a great reply!
Hey, not liking a sudden increase in weird dudes hitting on you is pretty understandable! All the Joanna Newsom and misandry sounds like the way to go for now.
You sound neither vain nor awful. Men are socialized to be persistent and entitled in their interactions with women and when it all piles up at once it can feel very yucky indeed. You have done nothing wrong.
I think feeling sad and disappointed is totally rational – you were polite, and they were not. Politeness should work! But at some point, maybe, you have to stop being polite and start setting people on fire. All of these men were solidly in the wrong after the initial turn-down, you were solidly in the right to assert your boundaries, and you are a Pawnee Goddess of a human who will go on to earn many merit badges (or whatever your personal standard of achievement is).
I think some boy-planet is in retrograde because I have been PLAGUED with men this week. Not hitting on me, mostly just accosting me in uncomfortable ways while I’m walking my dog (highlight: in the dark in the early morning an old creep behaves erratically, frightening the dog, then stands on his front stoop glaring at said dog as dog repeatedly turns around to look at him worriedly as we walk quickly away. So old creep *runs down the street after us* to ask me if my dog has a problem with him. Hi, you are literally chasing me right now. I was terrified. And THEN my dad and several Other Men gave me helpful jokey comments about glib answers I should have given. I love you dad but stfu, you don’t even know). Anyway yes I am sorry the men are extra garbage this week, I hope it passes soon for both of our sakes. And that the matriarchy comes to pass so we can all stop worrying that we are vain and/or that we should be flattered by garbage.
I have to update my earlier comment because I just took my dog out and a man hit on me and now I really want to burn things to the ground.
I went for a beach walk by myself last night (usually I go with my dude) and three separate men flirted with me using their dogs? Is that a thing?? I was like ‘look your dog is cute so I am tolerating this as I walk quickly in the other direction’ but if it had been any darker I would have been creeped the fuck out.
I am sorry that dude did that, it is an awful thing to do and I wish the other dudes in your life weren’t being dumb about it.
No, complaining about harassment isn’t vain or terrible or a humblebrag or any of that other BS. That’s a patriarchal tool meant to keep women from comparing notes and joining forces to light men on fire.
My cat is alive, my car is back, but I am poor. There are massive flashing signs on the highway that just say WINTER IS COMING. My pants don’t fit anymore, but I’m afraid to buy more and have them not fit in a month. And now I’m relatively sure I caught a chill in the rain a few days ago while at the local old gravel pit (don’t ask) in the pouring rain sans appropriate coat or umbrella. Or hat. Doubtless I shall now expire in a suitably lingering and melodramatic manner. I’ll keep you posted.
(Today is also the day I plan on introducing the child I mentor to Hocus Pocus. This at least oughta be fun.)
With you on the pants thing.
It is a totally unexpected downside to dieting. I didn’t like the extra pounds, but I do like my clothes and am in no hurry to replace them. Also money. Always money.
May I join in? I am on a long work trip and accidentally walked through a college campus yesterday. Thus, I ended my day feeling fat, old, AND lonely. The trifecta!
I had to go to the university library to get some info for work and being around all the young people just exhausted me. I put another coin in the meter and just sat in my car for a few minutes when I was done.
Ugh. I know how you feel. Here I am near thirty and finishing my degree almost a decade late. It is rough and annoying and most of the time I just want to smack them. And people ask why I’m not on campus more. Or why I live almost half an hour away. Ha.
Happy Halloween, Toasts! Hope you are all having some holiday fun, however you see fit.
A question for you: how do you manage to fit in self-care when you have social obligations? I’ve got a full weekend of plans with people I love, but unrelated to that, I’ve been majorly majorly stressed out this week. Even though all my plans will be fun, it’s going to leave me with 0 time to recharge before Monday. What’s a ghoul to do?
I would cancel at least one of the plans. My friends are pretty used to me putting me first, tho. Good luck navigating this. I hope you are able to find a way to get some time for yourself.
Speed self-care! Unless you are at a convention or something where you have literally no time to yourself (in which case, headphones and comfy clothes), take whatever time you have (Friday afternoon, Sunday evening), and have a really relaxing hour. Do your equivalent of what I do: Make a cup of tea, put on my favorite bizarre perfume, dance around my room for 5 minutes to a good song, and then breathe deeply while listening to an episode of Welcome to Night Vale or The Vicar of Dibley.
That is a great suggestion! I’m spending the weekend at friends’, so while I won’t have any alone time, they all usually sleep later than I do. Maybe I can use the morning to walk their dog, drink some of whatever fancy tea or coffee they have on hand, and stretch or do a little yoga or something.
Knowing me, I might attempt to use mornings to get some work done… maybe I just won’t pack my laptop?
I think this is a great idea. When I’m staying with friends I’ll often offer to pop out for some coffee/baked goods/whatever for everyone, refuse all offers of company, and enjoy a walk and a moment to myself. Walking their dog sounds great for this.
Don’t take your laptop! Do take your walking shoes and offer to take the Dog for the morning walk because a) then you are being a Good Guest and helping your hosts and b) you will get some alone time and fresh air.
You can also go “to bed” early (assuming you are staying somewhere that is not the couch) and use that time to read or meditate or whatever before you go to sleep!
Worst-case scenario, download a meditation app to your phone, duck into the bathroom and bust out the app to recenter.
I, personally, don’t love anyone enough to spend a whole weekend with them (or multiple thems). I’d leave early or show up real late to a few things, and maybe not go to anything on Sunday afternoon.
Ugh, kind of the same here. I’m really focusing on the time I do have. The hour it will take me to get to an event I’m excited to go to, but which already feels exhausting? A hour I can spend with a book or a podcast or whatever and Not Interacting.
That’s rough. I have a really hard time with non-stop social interaction, even with people I love to pieces. I did have to flat out skip one of a weekend full of events this past week. (my friends are very accepting of my having to bail sometimes when I’m overwhelmed). It’s always a trade-off, but I’ve at least gotten better at figuring out where the tipping point is for me. And you are totally justified in taking whatever time or space you need for your mental and physical well-being.
For stuff where I really have to be present and somewhat “on,” my current strategy is sneak off to a quiet corner at some point (toilet, outside, anywhere) and do a short meditation, since I need the calm more than anything. I’m always sort of afraid it looks weird or anti-social, but it’s still 1000x better than the cranky horrible mess that I will become if I don’t do it. I hope you find something that works for you. :/
Is it possible to convert any of the plans to chilling with the friend at home watching a movie or something? That always feels loads less draining to me than any out-going.
As a captain of needing quiet time else I become a frightening Krampus (year round) at social events (or to avoid having me hide in the bathroom all night), I usually end up just letting friends know I’ll be an hour late to an activity or two so I can recharge between events and actually be fun at the party. They’ll understand and will probably thank you for it later. Same with being a guest: I just let them know I need an hour or two of coffee shop time to BROOD.
Book thread! What are you reading?
I’ll finish up The Name of the Wind on my commute home tonight, and then my next audio book is The Secret Chord by Geraldine Brooks. I am so excited for a new GB novel that it’s been hard to wait!!
I just started The Living by Annie Dillard – has anyone else read it? I’m only a few pages in but it feels like it… might take a while for me to finish it. idk. (I really only picked it because it was lying around the house and none of the books I ordered from the library have come in. so I’m going in blind!)
I am 66 pages off of finished with Clarissa. I have loved it but it has been a physically and emotionally wearing experience and can. not. wait. to read to the end of page 1499.
Yeesh–I can’t even get 100 pages into Clarissa without wanting to walk out into the street and kill the first random stranger I come across. I don’t know what it is about that book that arouses such irrational rage in me, but after about 3 tries, I finally decided that it would be best for the world at large if I just gave up.
It hits its stride much better about 600 pages in, around the time she runs away. And then it is honestly tremendous from about 800 pages in, when the power lines start to shift in such interesting ways.
These are a big upfront commitments, though, especially if your tendency to murder is approaching 1.
I will cheerfully take your word for it and breathe a huge sigh of relief that it’s reputation is well-deserved, along with a hint of sadness that this book is probably the one reason I didn’t continue on to get a doctorate in a field where I might have had a slim chance of employment, rather than none at all. Because I seriously considered doing 18th century Brit Lit until I hit the huge pothole of Clarissa.
Oh! Name of the Wind. I’m listening to it, too (about 5 hours left) and feel so mixed. I love a good fantasy story and my requirements are not very high, but I think I’d have liked it better if I were reading it and could read fast enough not to be bothered by his prose. Has the man never met a cliche he won’t use? If there’s a sky, it’s “slate gray”; if a woman is graceful, she “bends like a willow”.
Also he way overuses adverbs (people are also doing things “idly”) and adjectives (they are always “irritated”).
That said I’m feeling pretty engrossed. But I can’t decide if I’m going to listen to the next installment?
I’ve noticed some of the cliche and flowery language, but I guess I just get swept up in the flow of “epic story” and don’t mind so much. I’ll listen to part 2 because I’m a completest and will almost always investigate the next installment in a story, but I’ll take a little break first. I hadn’t realized the cycle wasn’t finished before I started in though – I hate it when I make that mistake.
God the story is so fun though. I think I loved it though because I am VERY good at skim reading. So lots of the things that would annoy me in audio form just aren’t a problem as I move over them. I would say that if he’s irritating you now with cliché then avoiding the second one might be wise…
Everything you just said. Exactly true.
I just finished Greg Van Eekhout’s Dragon Coast (third after California Bones and Pacific Fire) – I don’t remember the name of the Toastie who was looking for fantasy heist novel recommendations last week, but this series might be up your alley? It does involve rather a lot of cannibalistic osteomancy but also, you know, dragons and capers.
Next: I have SO MANY awesome new books out from the library (Fifth Kingdom, House of Shattered Wings, The Traitor Baru Cormorant), but you guys, there is a new serialized Swordspoint novel that’s just started coming out and it’s free!
More Swordspoint?! Must have that.
I just started The Mirror Empire – I’m finding it fascinating so far!
I’d love to discuss it once you finish! I ended up not liking it very much, but not being able to put my finger on quite what it was. And I love the author on twitter, so I really wanted to be into it!
Same! I really enjoy her twitter and her essays, but her fiction just doesn’t seem to work for me.
I’m soooo excited to finally read the new Lisa Kleypas this weekend. All I have to do is get through the Aeneid first….
Oh man I do love a Greek or Roman epic poem but they can get tedious (especially when you have a brain candy book waiting). Dido is one of my favorite tragic heroines and Aeneus is such an insufferable jerk. The Toast desperately needs a dirtbag Aeneus!
The only way I’m getting through it is picking out the most fan fiction-y moments and making sarcastic notes to myself in the margins. I also need to come up with something about it for the class to debate, but unfortunately I don’t think “Has Juno read too many romance novels” is a legitimate topic for discussion.
Virgil deserves alllll of the sarcastic comments! Reading too many romance novels is the perfect explanation for much of the gods behavior.
I remember my class having a lively discussion about Aeneus’s farewell speech to Dido because it was so pathetic. “Well yeah I slept with you, and yeah I let everyone treat me like the new king, but I never actually SAID any promises to you! I don’t understand why you are so upset. Women yo”
Also almost all of the female characters are examples of “bad” women and there is a lot of fodder for commentary on Roman’s “ideals.” I was a classics major at all women’s college so I clearly have feelings about this.
“I was a classics major at all women’s college”
hey! me too!!! although I also wholeheartedly love the Aeneid, because… reasons.
Just finished The Secret Chord last night, it was fantastic. I also listened the Lafayette in the Somewhat United States this week and it was also excellent.
I just wrapped up A Tale for the Time Being, which was a pretty fast read and a good, thoughtful story. I also just read Life After Life and I am COMPLETELY at a loss about the final scene in the pub. Just… why.
I love The Name of the Wind. One of my favorite books. And I’m in the small minority that liked the sequel even more.
I’m nearing the end of A Series of Unfortunate Events. Just started the 12th book, and I’m seriously impressed by how well the story has built up to where it is now and how complicated it’s all become.
I’m also on the penultimate book in Wheel of Time. Love those epic series. This one took a sharp turn for the better when Sanderson took over. Things are happening and it’s so exciting and hopeful that I’m actually trying to figure out how to make a 1200+ page book last even longer because I’m not ready for this series to end. (Which I really was 2 books ago). At least I have The Stormlight Archive waiting for me when I finally finish.
I loved The End and a lot of people I know didn’t so I would love to talk about it when you get there! I just finished “All the Wrong Questions” since the fourth book just came out (that’s the noir-pastiche preschool of young teen Lemony Snicket) and it gave me a lot of feels like The End* (and a few other parts of SOUE, where it swerved into an emotional groove I wasn’t quite expecting.) And if you read those, you can read them all at once so you won’t have to reread the first ones every time to keep track of the details.
I also adore The Basic Eight, which I think is Handler’s first novel? The most recent pirate one didn’t quite live up to what I hoped for, but The Basic Eight is brilliant dark pastiche of a bunch of high school/YA tropes.
*I had more feels for The End than Deadly Hollows.
I definitely liked the sequel more too! I’m very excited that he’s getting a GOOD movie-and-game deal out of the books, except that I really need him to finish the third book before he starts getting involved with script-writing and whatnot.
I just found and devoured a 1939 copy of The Sword in the Stone, prompted in large part by the recent Once and Future King. I read O&FK when I was twelve or so, so it’s fuzzy at best, but I definitely didn’t remember half the things in SitS. Which I guess makes sense since White apparently rewrote it for O&FK. But why cut out Mim? Why? Or the lovely bit with the snake? Or the fascist dictator giant? Someone talk with me about the fascist Hitler/Stalin giant please.
Now to reread The Perilous Gard. My very first gothic.
OMG The Perilous Gard.
(That is all.)
I’m finally reading Life After Life which I feel like I avoided because I thought it would be too book-cluby, but I am really loving it!
Life After Life! So good!
If you are a fan, you will absolutely love “The First Fifteen Lives of Harry August” by Claire North.
I didn’t read it because I didn’t like the hardcover cover! And now I want to read it because I do like the paperback cover! How embarrassing for me!
I love and trust Kate Atkinson in all things.
Wow, I am so glad other people avoid reading stuff that looks “too book-clubby”
I think of them as Librarian Books. Despite being, y’know, a librarian who doesn’t particularly care for those books.
Sorcerer to the Crown by Zen Cho. The idea is rather similar to Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell in that it’s set during the Regency, there are English “magicians” but magic mostly isn’t a thing anymore, there’s faeries, and it’s series and hilarious all at once. However, it also has everything I wanted from JS&MR but never got–women with agency! POC with agency! A world of magic-users who are not European! It’s a bit slow in the beginning, but I cannot recommend it enough.
I devoured that book. I’m not always on board magiky things but this worked wonders for me.
Also I just finished The Watchmaker of Filigree Street which pushed a lot of the same buttons – it’s way less magic, more magic-feeling?, but historical, gentle mystery, Japan, trains/gears/all that steampunky stuff w/o being actual steampunk, clockwork octopus FTW.
This is the fifth recommendation for The Watchmaker of Filigree Street that makes it sound like everything I’ve ever wanted; I’m giving in and checking it out from the library.
I did get mad at one tiny stupid thing, wherein Our Hero looks at a little Ferris wheel in a display, because it was 1884, and I recently read Devil in the White City so I know damn good & well that Ferris invented his eponymous wheel for the Columbian Exposition in 1893. /pedantry
Otherwise, it’s a lot of fun.
…That is a wonderful nitpick.
And the library copy is checked out! Boo. *waits impatiently*
I’ve been shoving that book at so many people IRL, it’s just a perfect little gem of a story (dakimel’s well-spotted nitpick notwithstanding).
Sorcerer To The Crown is on my e-reader and so far every person who’s read it raved it about it, so I’ve decided to save it as the first book to read during a long trip in December.
“gentle” is absolutely the word I’d use to describe that book 🙂 such a nice read.
I just read that book and could NOT make up my mind about it. Sometimes its version of Victorian London felt thin and under-researched (says me, a person whose whole idea of Victorian London is based on novels) but sometimes it felt so textured and personal and real. I think the little things were the best–right off the bat, all the details of Thaniel’s job at the home office really pulled me in, including the simple image of him nuzzling his face into his scarf while waiting for the kettle to boil. And the metaphysical stuff was so fascinating and perplexing! I couldn’t tell if it made internal sense or not, and I was really disappointed with the one significant female character. But the central relationship was really compelling. I’m still trying to make up my mind.
INTO IT. That’s going on my list.
So I’m about two-thirds of the way into Sorcerer to the Crown and I’m just… not really feeling it? I feel bad because I really wanted to like it! I picked it up for all the reasons that you mentioned, but it’s not grabbing me nearly as much as JS&MR did. Despite being a lot more flashy than JS&MR, it feels slow and a lot of the characters are coming across as kind of half-heartedly realized. Maybe I’m just not getting the humor? Anyone else have this response?
I just read that and I LOVED it – have you read Zen Cho’s other stuff, she has a lot on her website zencho.org and I reread them waaay too much.
So, I’ve talked about this before on the Toast. Here’s my ongoing saga:
I’ve been reading Possession by A.S. Byatt for about three years now. I pick it up, read a bit, lose interest, don’t pick it up again until I’ve exhausted all other options. Repeat.
Anyways, I’m finally interested in the narrative! I’m about 50% of the way through the book, and it’s grabbed me at last! Maybe this time I’ll finish it, or maybe it will get boring again. Expect an update in 6-12 months.
Oh, well done! I’ve finished Possession but similarly never worked up any interest in the narrative (and I love melodrama so it should have been perfect for me). Good luck with the rest of the pages.
I have a LOT of feelings about _Possession_ because I read it at an impressionable age, but nevertheless you should feel 100% free to skip any poem that gets its own chapter, which will help the flow of things a lot, I suspect.
That happened to me! It was confusing because it was in theory so much what I like, and I’d liked Byatt’s short stories. So yeah, there was definitely a point where I finally clicked in. I didn’t love and adore it completely, but I was glad I’d read it.
I’m reading A Brief History of Seven Killings, and while it’s really good and energetic and interesting and full of great characters, it also gives you a kick in the stomach every once in a while with the violence, sexual and otherwise. Due to that I’m progressing pretty slowly, because there’s only so much I can take. I might just start reading a light romance novel alongside it.
I listened to that, and the audio is astounding. Also extra-intense on the ‘making all of your brain rhythms think in James’s cadences’ so beware, those who don’t want to say bombocloth (sp? audiobooks!) 80 times a day.
I went to a reading by Marlon James on Monday and it was SO GOOD. He was very interesting and funny and it was just a good time overall. I’ve been meaning to start reading it for a while (well, I meant to read it before the reading, whoops) and it has moved to the top of the list (though frankly I am stalling a little bit because it does seem like it’s an intense and dense read).
I’ve been listening to the audiobook of Fangirl this week! It’s my first Rainbow Rowell, and I’m enjoying it more than I expected to!
(I’m also still working my way through The Secret History, it’s so good, but it’s not a quick read for me)
Oh man, the Secret History…maybe have another Rowell book on hand for when you finish TSH. You’ll need it.
A Servered Head by Iris Murdoch; my first Murdoch, though – entirely coincidentally – the third book I’ve read recently set in London in the early 60s, which was not a theme I picked to explore in literature but, living in London in the now, is fascinating. Fog! Constant drinking! Doner kebabs as exotic cuisine! ASH has a lead character who is an utter shit, and most of the other characters are fairly ghastly, but they’re all suffering so that’s somewhat satisfying for my lizard brain, while my frontal lobes are picking up on the offhand elegance of the prose.
Aaaaaaah welcome to Iris Murdoch they are all more or less exactly like this (except some, e.g. The Black Prince, The Bell are much better)
Heh, that makes sense. I meant to read The Italian Girl a few years back, after picking it up and reading the first couple of pages. ASH is perfect for the current Autumnal gloom.
Yes, she does write beautifully autumnal novels in general. If you want to keep with the London novels, any Patrick Hamilton is excellent for this too. I read another exceptional London novel this year, but have completely forgotten what it was – I’ll check in “the nutty book” tonight and get back to you if yr interested.
It’s all, mostly, constant drinking.
EDIT: I’m sorry, “the nutty book” is what my ex called the notebook in which I write the name and author of every book I read. I realise that’s not at all clear if you’re not me.
THE LINE OF BEAUTY! The Line Of Beauty is the exceptional London novel that I read this year. Another summer to autumn novel as well, and one of the best books I’ve read this year.
Hollinghurst is one of my all-time favourites, how stunning is that book? Have you read any others of his?
I looked forward to getting out of bed so I could commute, because that meant I could read more of The Line Of Beauty. That was my first of his, what would you recommend next?
With the proviso that I wouldn’t go directly from one of his books to another – I’d give it a few in between – it’s hard to go wrong with any of them. Try The Stranger’s Child or The Swimming Pool Library; both full of horrible people and breathtakingly stunning prose.
A gentleman gave me The Bell and wrote a very sweet note in the front (during a time where we were seeing each other) and I haven’t read it yet, but the gentleman and I no longer see each other at all. And his note at the front is preventing me from reading it! Should I rip the front page out? Should I donate that copy and get one from the library? Should I just be okay about it already?
The Bell is a wonderful book to keep forever so my recommendation would be, donate your current copy (even without the note you might still think about the note!) and spend $5 on a new-to-you copy from abebooks or similar.
seconding this, only Murdoch I’ve read but it really got into my head and resurfaces at odd moments
I finished MaddAddam. Not anywhere near as good as the previous 2, but, still a great book. Just disappointing relative to two amazing books.
Started A Natural History of Dragons, which is charming!
I loved A Natural History of Dragons. I recommend the sequels as well.
there are sequels?! excellent!
I love (so far) that it’s refreshingly light after Maddaddam, but it’s definitely not fluffy.
I’ve given up about 3/4 of the way through Oryx and Crake. I just could not any more.
The New Moon With the Old by Dodie Smith. Because I loved I Capture the Castle so much. This is good, if rather different obviously! Though I decidedly loved the section with the character who ended up happily becoming someone’s mistress. Like literally her one life goal was to be a King’s mistress, haha. And there was no judgement or anything, despite this having been written in 1963.
(Plus also I got this copy from the library and it’s old and has that delicious old library book smell!)
I think that might have been my favorite of the non-I Capture the Castle Dodie Smith books I found. I felt very odd about It Ends With Revelations–I think the central “problem” and its “solution” has just aged badly in that way particular to books which were arguably sympathetic and forward thinking for their time.
Smoke Gets in Your Eyes by Caitlin Doughty.
I’m really enjoying this so far, a really necessary (and kinda funny?) look at the modern death/funeral industry and how fucked up it can be.
I read that one earlier this year and liked it more than I had expected to! It made me think of death and the funeral industry in ways that I hadn’t before! And I enjoyed her little side-chats about death around the world. I would have liked more of those.
I got maybe halfway through this before I had to put it down – it was incredibly interesting, but I kept getting queasy!
I just bought Brooklyn by Colm Toibin, because I’m really excited for the movie (I love Domhnall Gleeson and Saoirse Ronan, so it should be excellent). I’ve also been on kind of a Neil Gaiman kick, I just finished The Graveyard Book. Glad to have this thread, though, I need some other recommendations, as I have a short attention span and am usually reading several books at once.
Oh, Brooklyn is lovely. There’s a line towards the end talking about homesickness and coming home again that had so much resonance for me. A friend and I both read it at the same time so we could discuss it – we met when we were both living abroad but have since both moved back home and it just really rang true for us.
I’m mostly reading true crime and fanfic lately. I just started Ann Rule’s Small Sacrifices and am not sold yet, but I’ll read another chapter or two to see where she’s going with it. I checked out Belle Gunness: The Female Bluebeard from the library. I only know a little bit about her from Women Who Kill, but I think it’ll be interesting!
Ann Rule is SO MUCH FUN.
Just finished Horrorstor by Grady Hendrix and am on to Affinity by Sarah Waters. Also- y’all were right about The Nightingale- so so good and I cried all the tears
I bought The Notorious RBG this week and plan to curl up with it over the weekend! I also got it signed, in lieu of watching the Republican debate on Wednesday. Good life choices.
Jealous! I sent a copy to a friend for her birthday, but neglected to pick up a copy for myself. Must remedy!
I am actually looking for book advice! Kate Elliott fans, all of Elliott’s books sound really cool to me, but I tried the first book of the Crossroads series and just…couldn’t get into it. I finished it, but it really dragged for me. Should I still give other books of hers a try? They all sound extremely cool from the descriptions.
I LOVED the Crossroads books, but just… enjoyed the Spiritwalker Trilogy, if that helps? Which is to say that I think her books are sufficiently different that I might be worth trying a different series to see if it suits you better.
I responded to this already, but the comment seems to have disappeared! So if it returns and this is a duplicate, I’m sorry.
Anyway, what I said was that I have had similar feelings about all Kate Elliot books I have tried except Jaran. I really liked the first and have plans to read the rest in the series when I get the chance.
Edit: this did end up being a duplicate! I deleted the other one because I like the phrasing of this comment better.
I finally read Uprooted! It was amazing, as I was certain it would be!
I really tried to read this book, but I couldn’t get past the first 40 or so pages. The man character was just so annoying to me? Like “woe is me I’m SO BOOKISH and can’t cook because only dumb girls are good at traditionally feminine housekeeping type stuff, also I’m sooo smart, feel bad for me” and I was just like NO, you are repulsive. /rant sorry
I feel like a few years down the road I might give it another shot though, because before I started it I really WANTED to like it.
I liked the book in part because it is full of annoying tropes (including the one you mention, and obviously the “my best friend is so much prettier & perfect-er, but he chose awkward ol’ ME!” one) but it takes them to great places! Not exactly subverting them, but….making them feel less trope-y and more true to the characters and happening for a reason. I’d say it’s worth another try, but of course there are zillions of other books in the world.
hm, I’m not sure she’s really bookish? She’s outdoorsy- her main trait at first is that she always ruins her clothes by going traipsing through the woods, and can’t avoid stains at all even when she’s trying to sit neatly. Based on that, I was a little bit worried that she would end up being “just” charmingly-clumsy in the manner of Bella Swan, but I can say that’s definitely not the case!
So much of those first pages are about setting up the tropes that are going to get knocked down- The Dragon taking a sacrifice of [the most beautiful] young maiden, etc.- and I can say that any “I’m better than other girls bc I read and/or run around outside” or “pretty girls who do girly things like cook are weird/bad” vibes you may have gotten from it are PRETTY THOROUGHLY obliterated by the end, and the female friendships/relationships in the book are strong and vibrant and deeply explored.
Obvs if the narration was annoying to you, that might not change! And you don’t have to like it! But imo it definitely improves upon the first 40 pages you read.
damn it, this was one of my ideas for your Christmas gift, but yes, it is very very good.
hahaa well I don’t own it yet, a friend let me borrow her copy! But also I am sure you can think of another book to gift me 🙂
Besides blog books I’m reading The Fortune Hunter by Daisy Goodwin, and it’s just frothy and dramatic and fun. After I finish that I’m going to do a blog book and then The American Heiress for more escapist froth.
I just started listening to Lafayette in the Somewhat United States but I have to keep pausing & waiting until I’m near my Hamilton-obsessed US-History taking son, so he can listen to it with me.
I’ve got deadlines coming up, so I suspended my hold on The Secret Chord – if it comes in, I will lose all productivity. I have yet to open a Brooks novel I don’t immediately dive into and refuse to leave.
This morning I finished reading A Head Full of Ghosts by Paul Tremblay, and it was AMAZING. It’s a horror novel that’s either about a possession or about a teenage girl being tortured by her family and a reality TV show crew. The narrator is the girl’s younger sister, who was eight at the time, who is now both writing a pseudonymous blog deconstructing the TV show they made about her sister as a work of horror fiction and also doing interviews with a writer who’s going to write a book about what really happened. It’s creepy, ambiguous, and fascinating.
Next up…I’m not sure, but I’m thinking Sherman Alexie’s Indian Killer.
That sounds amazing, must read.
I liked The Secret Chord, it’s a very nice bible fanfic that doesn’t have a weird Christian understanding behind it.
Armada, the new Ernest Cline book (Ready Player One, his other book, was terrific and I highly recommend it)
Are you liking Armada? I liked Ready Player One and have yet to read his second.
Haven’t actually started yet hah, but finished my previous book over tea this morning (Vonnegut’s Breakfast of Champions which is a solid 5/5 from me)
Hmm… the Slate review was so brutal, but you like it, I am now tempted to give it a try. Interesting.
I’m reading Speak by Louisa Hall. It’s really interesting! It’s basically about AI and it’s told from a lot of different perspectives and times and in a bunch of different formats. It’s hard to describe, but I’m liking it a lot so far.
I just started I Capture the Castle last night (after seeing it mentioned a bunch in Toast comments ). I’m only a few pages in, but I can already tell it is going to be a lovely way to spend a rainy weekend.
I’m in the middle of The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova–it started out kind of slow (I think partially due to the jumps between narrators/time periods, which got a little distracting), but now I am locked in and doing my usual thing with suspenseful books, where I mutter warnings at the characters and/or try to figure out small plot points ahead of time.
The Historian is amazing, I’m kinda jealous of you that you’re reading it for the first time. I’ve reread it a couple times but the first is the best!
I really liked The Historian. It’s slow, yes, but such a fantastic take on Dracula. It does a good job of modernizing the style while maintaining the flavor. I remember just sort of sinking into that book and hanging out for a good long while.
I just started Among Others based on a Toast recommendation, I believe. I also have a stack of holds ready to pick up at the library, which is always an exciting email to get.
I was looking for this thread! I just finished Carry On a few days ago and I have the book sads now. I have so many other books to read, that I want to read, but none of them are Carry On and so I cannot read them. Does anyone have suggestions for books that are similar?
I read Carry On this week and I really was not impressed–which was sad, because I adored Fangirl. Part of it was structural/technical: a) it seemed like the first third of the book was info dump about what happened in “books” that don’t exist, and even thereafter, there was an awful lot of “I’m doing X because of Y and Z that already happened but you don’t know about until right now, when I’m recapping for you”; b) the constant shift among first-person narrations often made it difficult to remember who the hell was talking, because; c) the voices of the characters were not differentiated enough to make it clear who was talking. And on top of all that, I figured out all the big reveals almost immediately, so it quickly became a case of thinking, oh, come on, get on with it.
I mostly agree with your criticisms so I guess these things just did not bother me as much as they did you. The one point on which I disagree is that the narrators were not differentiated enough to tell them apart; I thought Baz differed quite a lot from the rest and had no trouble knowing when I was reading his parts (he was also my favourite narrator) but the others were quite similar.
Regarding your last bit, I’ve often found that I rarely predict (even fairly obvious) reveals when reading or watching TV. I used to feel bad about this like it meant I wasn’t *smart* but I’ve come to realize the positives: predictable plots don’t bother me because I don’t see all the twists coming. Of course, this does not mean that this is not a failing of the book, it just didn’t affect my enjoyment.
I agree that Baz was the most distinctive narrator, but I think it was because of what he said/thought, rather than how he said it, if you know what I mean. He had the most distinct point of view. And yeah, he was the character I most enjoyed. (I also liked Ebb a lot.)
<p dir=”ltr”>Predicting the plot doesn’t usually bother me–I mean, hell, I’m a folklorist, I’m all about knowing how the story turns out, in 156 thousand variations from around the globe–but for some reason it irritated me here. Along those lines, I don’t know if this would fill the Carry On void you are now feeling, but I’m reading the second serial in Seanan McGuire’s Indexing series, which I am loving. The Arne-Thompson Tale Type Index/Grimm’s Fairy Tales meets The X Files/every FBI procedural ever.
I’m about halfway through Ancillary Mercy and really enjoying it. The beginning is very similar to the last book, but now things are really picking up action-wise.
I finally finished it last week, and it was so, so good. I didn’t devour it the same way I did Ancillary Sword, but it was wonderful and funny and immensely satisfying, and if you want to talk about it next week in the OT, I am 101.11% here for it.
I just started Divided Allegiance by Elizabeth Moon, which is book two in the Deed of Paksenarrion trilogy. I read the first book when I was in high school and loved it, but I was never able to find the other two books. So I’m excited to finally finish the series. The pacing of the story is a little weird sometimes, and I feel like Moon skimps too much on the physical descriptions of the characters so I sometimes have a hard time keeping them straight. But I love her depiction of a high fantasy/DnD world and the experience of a woman knight.
I love the Paks books! And there are more, if you’re interested. Moon recently came back to that universe and wrote another series that focuses more on Keri and his kingdom, but Paks is twined in too.
Oh cool! I got the impression that Moon had figured out way more about the world and its politics than she was showing from Paks’s perspective.
I just finished reading Mockingjay. I thought the ending was really well-written and completely devastating, and now I can’t wait for the film.
(What happened to Johanna and Annie Cresta though?!)
Not quite an answer, but… : http://www.buzzfeed.com/skarlan/katniss-everdeen-…
They could have run off into the woods together!
In my book, they totally did. I pretend the epilogue doesn’t exist. Much better ending!
I am working on the Night Vale novel–reading, having abandoned the audiobook because I am super-persnickety about what texts I consider suitable for audio–and having complex feelings so far, about halfway through. We’ll see.
While visiting a friend in Montana two weeks ago, I wandered into a bookstore run by two women who were most likely good witches, and tucked away upstairs were all kinds of books about long distance walking adventures in the British Isles, which is my non-fiction catnip, and I bought all of them and am so happy.
I also found the Merrily Watkins series (female minister/exorcist dealing with mysteries, so good and so spooky!)
My friend loaned me like 5 Neil Gaiman books b/c I have never really read him before. I started with The Ocean at the End of the Lane and finished it two nights ago SOBBING. I’m not not entirely sure why I cried! But I did. A lot.
Took a break from River of Smoke (Ghosh) to read a new Gail Carriger – Prudence. It was really jarring to read fluffy steampunk that overlapped with Ghosh’s setting. #colonialism
I’m listening to the welcome to night vale book and the parts about Diane and Josh are really hitting me in the feels.
Reading furiously happy. It’s hilarious and also about depression and I never want to stop reading it.
Good ideas everyone!
I’m finally getting around to reading Bleak House. I was reluctant since it is technically about a never-ending lawsuit. But when I finally read the opening paragraph, I was like, “Damn, this is going to be good.” By the way, the lawsuit is really very peripheral: the book is about Dickens’s wonderful characters.
“LONDON. Michaelmas Term lately over, and the Lord Chancellor sitting in Lincoln’s Inn Hall. Implacable November weather. As much mud in the streets as if the waters had but newly retired from the face of the earth, and it would not be wonderful to meet a Megalosaurus, forty feet long or so, waddling like an elephantine lizard up Holborn Hill. Smoke lowering down from chimney-pots, making a soft black drizzle, with flakes of soot in it as big as full-grown snow-flakes — gone into mourning, one might imagine, for the death of the sun.”
Because I am a big old nerd, my dad got me a copy of the Oxford Handbook of Modern Scottish History for my birthday and I’ve been reading that.
I also discovered that my local library has some of the Babysitters Club books in their e-book collection and I am *all* for reliving my favorite book series from my youth. I honestly may have to go buy them all in e-book format for comfort reading.
Just started Gilead a few days ago and I adore it. Such great storytelling and the writing is beautiful.
Because I’m still on a Crimson Peak high, how about a gothic literature thread? My contribution: recently started rereading Angela Carter’s “the bloody chamber” and it is still SO, SO GOOD. Sexy and messed up in all the best ways. Anyone know if del Toro has referenced her work? Alternately, what’s some good gothic to read this time of year?
<3 The Bloody Chamber. So good.
I finally finished reading The Turn of the Screw due to Crimson Peak (I started it in like January when I had to review the Criterion edition of The Innocents but never finished). Next I want to read The Tenant of Wildfell Hall. But my favorite will always be Jane Eyre, closely followed by Rebecca.
I adore gothic literature. I love Northanger Abbey, which takes the piss out of it. The Mysteries of Udolpho wasn’t really my jam, but I remember liking The Monk and Melmoth the Wanderer. I don’t remember much about the Castle of Otranto, except it’s one of the first of the genre and I wish politicians these days would write gothic literature.
Northanger is my FAVORITE. I wasn’t that into Udolpho, but I tried. The Monk is bats, much more messed up than I thought it would be. Otranto…..I get that its Important as an early example, but in comparison to later works I feel it’s amateurish. If you’re super into gothic lit then read it for the reference points (it’s short), but I don’t get that much out of it alone.
More: Rebecca obviously, Tanith Lee for weird fantasy horror with plenty of gothic elements, Le Fanu’s Carmilla (early lesbian vampirism?) and I LOVE Wilkie Collins’ The Woman in White, I found it crazy and hilarious. Carlos Ruiz Zafón’s Cemetery of Forgotten Books series are also excellent and weird, I think they came up in the Crimson Peak discussion(s) but I reiterate the recommendation.
The Woman in White is MORE THAN PERFECT I require you all to read it immediately. There is a gay lady detective AND an enormous terrifying bird-keeping villain (on whom in the deepest recesses of my heart I have a shameful crush)
THE WOMAN IN WHITE IS THE BEST BOOK AND I WILL STAB ANYONE WHO IMPLIES OTHERWISE.
Ahem. Sorry about that.
Udolpho was something I got through by sheer force of will. I appreciate it and Otranto for their historical significance but yes. Not my favorites.
There are a great deal of short story collections and so many of them are so good! One is about an EVIL HAND, like thing gone AWOL.
God I am going to just go home and reread the Lady in White. I don’t even mind the heterosexual romance there! That’s the greatest review I can give!
“The Woman in White” is truly the greatest.
Also, it has a special place in my heart because it’s the first book my now-boyfriend ever gave me (at the beginning of our 20+ year friendship).
Wilkie Collins was a great guy and very progressive for his time in terms of women’s rights, etc., which is cool!
I just mentioned The Law and the Lady, which according to my Penguin edition is the first novel featuring a woman as an amateur detective. Man and Wife is also fascinating for its swivel between being really intense and insightful about how horrible it is for women to be trapped in marriages with abusive men (and marriage loopholes–be very careful you don’t accidentally get married in Scotland!) and these wild and hilarious bits about how sports, especially running, is RUINING the next generation of British men.
I totally agree about the running part.
Count Fosco is eminently crush-able.
In my head, he looks and sounds just like George Sanders (who I think did actually play him in a film version, but I haven’t seen it yet).
So I guess I know what I’m pulling off my TBR list next.
YES The Woman in White so much! Set me on a long Wilkie Collins binge. (The Law and the Lady is great fun, especially if you tell yourself that every time she says something like “oh, you must forgive me for being so BOLD and UNLADYLIKE it was all for the love of my husband” you assume either she or Collins is taking the piss.
Aaah! I purchased it this summer but didn’t get around to reading it. It’s being pulled off the bookshelf now, to be read along with Rebecca.
The Little Stranger is Victorian gothic set in post-WWII England, so there’s a whole creamy layer of class anxiety spread over everything, and it’s also genuinely terrifying like almost no other book I’ve read.
I have not read the Little Stranger yet. But it is on my list!
O Calendonia! by Elspeth Barker – short, dark as ditchwater, funny in a “Good GOD” kind of way, both a parody and a love-letter to the teenage girl’s love of the Gothic, and it will make you want to immediately go to Scotland and get a pet crow.
Harriet by Elizabeth Jenkins has all the elaborate Edwardian costume details you want and bone-chilling horror you crave.
O Caledonia! Sounds really good!
Oooooh! Looked up O Caledonia on Amazon and I am impressed — “unrelenting chill of Calvinism and the Scottish climate” are literally two of my FAVORITE things in the world.
And that cover art, right??
I really like Barbara Michaels’ stuff! The Master of Blacktower leans hard on the romance part.
Yes!! Northanger Abbey is one of my favorite books (the first chapter is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read), and with that and Crimson Peak, I feel like I need to get more into Gothic Romance. Where is a good place to start with Ann Radcliffe? Is Mysteries of Udolpho the best, or does she have other ones I should read instead? I read The Castle of Otranto for a class a few years ago, and it was fantastically ridiculous.
Start with The Italian. Udolpho is sooooo loooong (this from someone who’s favourite book is Middlemarch).
“Sexy and messed up in all the best ways.”
PERFECT way to describe it!
But I love this discussion of Gothic lit! Found this infographic: How to tell you’re reading a gothic novel. It even has a swoon count. lol
http://www.theguardian.com/books/interactive/2014…
Also I would like magic hand moisturizing tips, and by magic I mean “doesn’t smell, doesn’t mess up my electronic devices’ screens or stain my stitching or taste bad if I eat with my hands despite having washed and washed, and heals literal cracked skin on the tips of my fingers.”
I know I don’t ask for much, but seriously, it’s not even November yet and I’m bleeding all the time. Anyone have suggestions?
Aquaphor. It’s the only thing that has ever worked for me.
Seconding aquaphor. I mean, it’s greasy, so it’s not going to play nice with your electronics, but I’ve never had an issue with the smell or taste lingering.
Get a pair of cheap cotton gloves and apply it right before you go to bed, then you don’t have to worry about touching stuff?
Aquaphor is a miracle for eczema, as we’ve discovered with the kids, but I’d prefer to avoid it if I can since the overnight-gloves thing doesn’t really work for me because reasons. Thanks, though!
Vaseline Intensive Care with cocoa butter? It’s a good balance between deep moisturizing and gross stains and smells.
(My credentials: I live in the middle of the Canadian Prairies where it is cold as hell and dry as a bone).
I like Cetaphil Moisturizing Lotion.
“For all skin types. Lightweight hydration for everyday use. Fragrance free.”
I have a pump bottle on my desk at the office, and another in the bathroom at home.
This is the only thing I have tried that doesn’t break me out. Seriously I had to ask like ten salespeople. No, ‘no fragrance’ does not mean ‘fragrance, as long as it’s natural’. It means NO FRAGRANCE. Otherwise I will get itchy from the lotion.
Anyway, I also like it because i find that although it’s greasy, it soaks in quick. I can put it on my hands in the morning, then I do my legs, and by the time I need to do anything else, my hands have absorbed it.
I started using these ridic overpriced ‘hypoallergenic’ washing-up gloves in the kitchen and that made a huge difference to my hands. Nivea Soft is great, too, and cheap as chips.
Ooh, interesting, thanks. I haven’t tracked for a correlation on dishes nights, but it’s worth a try.
I second all the suggestions to slather whatever lotion you choose on before bed and sleep with gloves (or cotton socks!) on your hands. When I used to do this my choices were aveno or the super neutrogena kind that someone else mentioned.
But also, is this something that happens to you every year? I don’t want to freak you out, but cracked skin on your fingertips sounds like it might be something more serious than just dry skin. If it’s not part of your normal fall routine you might want to ask a doctor about it…
Thank you for your concern, but yes, this happens every year. I see I wasn’t clear about that in the initial post.
haha okay, that’s good… also I was thinking you might want to try adding a little hydrocortisone cream in with your lotion if you do the sleeping with gloves on thing. It might help with any inflammation or itching you’re having 🙂
My family from the Freezing North use udder cream.
Aquaphor?
I’ve started using the Aveeno Eczema stuff on my hands, it’s definitely keeping the backs from cracking so far.
I love CeraVe. Spendy, but my skin is persnickety. It’s thin, so I can slather it on several times a day.
I like their sunscreen, so that’s definitely a point in favor, thanks!
I used Eucerin Intensive Repair hand creme when I lived in a lime scale-rich zone, and my hands looked like I’d been handling a briar patch for six months of the year. It’s strong stuff, and while I can’t speak to its taste (though there’s no smell, I think?), it damn well worked and it wasn’t greasy.
Nowadays I use Aveeno Daily Moisturizing Lotion pretty much every time after I wash my hands. It’s not as powerful, but there’s no smell or taste, and when used in small amounts it absorbs well and isn’t greasy.
Neutrogena makes two fab hand lotions, the original Norwegian I like for night, and the fast absorbing I like for day. Also a balm of some kind at night for deep healing.
In my bag I have Aveeno’s Daily Moisturizing lotion– quick absorbing, actually moisturizing, low on the grease-factor so I can check Twitter right after applying it.
Besides moisturizers, the thing that made the biggest change in my skin was changing to SLS free hand wash. I even have a travel bottle in my desk to use at work. It dries my hands out less than traditional or foaming cleansers so I need to add less moisture back after washing.
The liquid hand soap at work is definitely not skin-friendly for me. It looks like SLS-free stuff tends toward smelly but I’ll look around and maybe bring my own stuff into work regardless. Thanks!
I like the Caldrea hand soap, which is the cheapest SLS free I’ve found, and comes in a variety of herby/fruity scents. I get mine at Target. I’ve tried a couple of Trader Joe’s versions, but the scents were icky.
Seconding/thirding the cotton glove suggestion. I work in a lab and wash my hands approximately eleventy billion times a day, and so moisturizing during the day doesn’t really do much for me. Find something you like (I like Burt’s Bees Farmer’s Friend hand salve, but it smells quite strongly of eucalyptus and menthol) and slather it on your hands before bed.
If you can convince/trick your lab manager into it get the aloe-infused nitrile gloves. I don’t know quite how they work but my hands don’t turn into mummy hands in the winter for the first time since I started sciencing.
It’s been years since I tried aloe gloves so maybe it’s worth a shot again! Do you have a brand rec? I am ridiculously picky about gloves (and… everything else…) and so many nitrile gloves are inadequately stretchy.
After applying your choice of moisturizer, but before donning the cotton gloves at bedtime: petroleum jelly. It’s a great moisture barrier. Keeps your moisturizer from evaporating into the air, requires it to stay on your skin. And it rubs off onto the cotton gloves, but that’s good because it’s not your moisturizer escaping onto the gloves.
Wash those cotton gloves in hot water, inside out.
I’ve got this problem too. For a daily hand lotion I use Aveda Hand Saver, and I’ve also liked the L’Occitane hand lotion with shea butter.
I also get dry skin pretty easily, but since I started taking a daily vitamin D and vitamin B it’s helped. I think vitamin A is also supposed to be good for skin.
Curel! Curel Curel Curel! Used it since I was a baby and strangers who shake my hand tend to remark, “Oh my god your hands are so soft.” No residue and no smell — I have very sensitive skin!
ShiKai’s Borage Therapy unscented — no scent, not greasy, and it’s the only thing that keeps my fingers from cracking in fall & winter. I’ve also been slathering on unrefined shea butter at bed time as a preemptive strike against winter.
I do a coconut oil/Shea butter combo & it’s the only thing that keeps my hands & feet from falling of off come winter.
I keep a pump bottle of aloe vera gel next to my sink, and during the winter, I apply it after every hand-washing. It does, unfortunately, taste somewhat bitter, but it meets all other criteria.
TOASTIES, long-time (2+years) lurker, first time poster here.
I’m starting a new job in an academic library next week, and I am SO excited. I got my Master’s in English in May and have been having all these squeamy feelings about whether or not to pursue a PhD. I feel like I may really be a good fit for librarianship, and I’m happy I get to test this theory out before making any big career decisions.
So, Toastie librarians (or anyone really!), can you tell me your favorite things about working in a library? How did you know librarianship was a good fit for you?
I don’t know that this will help, but I can’t think of anything else that fits what I want to do. I went and go through other jobs, and at no point could figure out how another job would be better for me at this moment.
But part of it is always a leap of faith, cause you don’t know until you’re actually at a place for a few months.
Congratulations mariahnotmaria!
I’m an academic librarian and I love it. I’m an instruction librarian, which I never would have expected because I was not into the idea of teaching for a long time. But it turns out I’m actually pretty good at and enjoy teaching. Working with students is awesome, and I have lots of opportunities to influence site design and how the libraries as a whole present information.
One of the things that made me realized it was a good fit was that teaching — formerly a source of stress, anxiety, and sometimes sheer terror when I was a grad student — turned out to be one of my favorite parts of the job when I switched over into librarianship. (I feel so much more confident that I know what the hell I’m doing when I teach students to do research than I did when I was trying to teach them how to write.) The regularly recurring anxiety dreams about teaching that I used to have went away pretty much the moment I made the career change.
I’m an academic librarian.
I like librarians- there seems to be a lower proportion of assholes than in many jobs, and a lot of us are pleasantly eccentric. Having colleagues you get on with makes a big difference.
I like book selection (it helps that some of my the subjects I look after are interesting to me, which isn’t a given!); spending someone else’s money on books, what’s not to like?
I like teaching, but I also like that I’m not *a teacher*- no marking to do, and I have plenty of time to decompress by looking at journal spreadsheets or something. Actually, in general, there’s quite a nice mix of fiddly but brainless, creative/intellectual, and customer-facing work.
The thing that is really “librarianly” that I like, though, is reference work/one-to-one coaching of students for their projects. Making information theory and search strategies user-friendly- getting them to define their question and brainstorm keywords, and showing them a database that’s a good match, and giving them tools like Boolean logic, and they go away with both useful results and better skills for the future. It’s really satisfying.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN. I’m so happy I actually planned properly this year! I got a proper shirt and bow tie for my Eleventh Doctor costume, and hopefully I am going to a party at a beer garden tonight and a party at a friend’s house on Saturday night!
Saturday during the day, I fully intend to throw a tiny birthday party for my cat, who is turning 2. I’m just so excited that I know his actual birth date and that it’s HALLOWEEN. My spooky baby! I’ll probably just stick a candle in a can of cat food, honestly, and hope he’s smart enough to fear fire.
Here is the spooky baby in question. He is the light of my life and also an utter terror who destroys all of my possessions and eats garbage.
EDIT: UGH ARE YOU SERIOUS IMGUR let me try again.
I’M A MESS, SORRY, imgur no longer is showing me the code I need to embed an image…can anyone remind me how to format that? In the meantime, http://imgur.com/GwG9WiK
I LOVE HIS FACE
He was stuck in a trash can so we carried him around and laughed at him for a while and his POOR PRECIOUS FACE WAS SO CONFUSED. Ugh I love him so much.
I think the trouble is you’re linking to the page with the image, not the image itself. The link you want to put in your image tag is http://i.imgur.com/GwG9WiK.jpg?1 so your HTML should look like this, minus the asterisks:
<*img src*=”http://i.imgur.com/GwG9WiK.jpg?1″>
ETA: You get the URL for the image itself by going to the page you linked (http://imgur.com/GwG9WiK) and then right-clicking on the image and choosing “view image.”
What a little RAT. I love him!
So, my horrible co-workers have been playing “ignore the temp” all week. At the beginning of the week, I scoffed and was fine: “I can handle these twits.” But a week of being invisible really messes with your head, and it’s been unpleasant. (I’ve been temping here a year and a half, I HAVE GOTTEN THE MESSAGE that I am not part of the team, get over it already.) But the slightly-less-awful co-worker just emailed me and asked if we were okay and if I was ignoring her. So…is it better or worse that she hasn’t even noticed she’s been pretending I don’t exist all week? I want to set everything on fire. And go home.
Ugh that SUCKS. I have one coworker who ignores me and it’s just one person and everyone else likes me and mostly it’s fine and then sometimes it is NOT FINE because humans are social beings, etc.
I am so confused by what their deal is. I hope things get better for you soon, somehow? <3
Ugh, I’m sorry. Yes, I totally agree – mostly it’s fine – I don’t really like them either – but some days it just wears on me. I keep telling myself it’s temporary and I can stomp off in a huff whenever I want, but so far the paycheck keeps me there. I hope yours gets better too!
My weekend plans are 1) stay warm and dry 2) go to the pop-up flea market to see if I can find the thing I wanted to buy last time but didn’t because I was trying to be reasonable and not buy ALL THE THINGS 3) get an ottoman.
I feel kind of stuck in place these days. I want to move to a bigger apartment, but we can’t until the spring (at the earliest – then there’s however long it will take to find a suitable new apartment because I’m picky). I hate my job but I can’t quit until I find a new one. Stasis is nice in a way because it’s better than instability but… it gets boring and constraining.
To add insult to injury: all week I’ve been applying my foundation with my usual level of care, and it looks great when I leave the house, and then I get to work and it’s all patchy and streaky like I didn’t blend it. I don’t know if I’m actually doing something wrong or if the formula just doesn’t work for my winter-dry skin. Ugh.
What foundation is it?
And do you change your skincare/prep with the seasons?
It’s the Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer. It’s only a little sample pot I got from Sephora, so at least I didn’t spend any money on something that doesn’t work for me? It’s disappointing because the shade is a perfect match for my skin and I really wanted it to work.
I slap on more and heavier/more occlusive moisturizers in the winter, and I cut back on the chemical exfoliants so I don’t become a flaking extravaganza.
Oh no! (But yeah, at least it’s a sample pot.) It does sound like it doesn’t work for you with your other, heavier moisturizers, on your winter skin. :((((
Hrm…
I went to see the Cumberbatch Hamlet in the cinema yesterday and I’m a little sad it wasn’t live because evidently I missed him saying “Fuck the politicians”.
Still, it was very worth it. I understand why reviews have called the set overwhelming, but it worked really well when filmed. I also didn’t expect to laugh as much as I did! They were really good at presenting out the jokes so that they’d translate to a modern audience. And poor Ophelia broke my heart. (As to Hamlet. Well. But Cumberbatch certainly acted the shit out of it).
I’ve now decided I need to go see plays more.
Any of you have memorable theatre experiences?
Probably not what you meant, but I once saw a play that had to be paused because a man in the audience had puked.
Totally counts.
I love Hamlet, even if he is a giant dork. Although I think Whithnail and I has my favorite version of the piece of work is man soliloquy. Good old Richard E. Grant.
If you can catch (or find an illegal version) of Hiddleston’s Coriolanus, it’s amazing. Plays are so much fun to see, but small community theater can be painful. I’ve learned to go in with no expectations. =D
It’s going to be in the Netherlands, but not in my city, unfortunately. I might just try to convince my mom or sister to go with me in Amsterdam and stay over at either of their places, though.
Hiddleston’s Coriolanus is going to be in theaters in January, I think? Such excite very wow, will defs go see it. And I’m seeing Cumberbatch’s Hamlet Sunday, very much looking forward to that.
Do yall ever have the problem where you see an actor’s previous roles while they’re doing something else? Whenever I watch The Hobbit, I can’t keep from thinking “Next Bilbo and Smaug will move in together and solve crimes in the Dale!” Anyway, I fully expect to be thinking about Smaug, prince of Denmark who solves crimes.
I’m fortunate that I can completely divorce an actor’s previous work, as well as their personal life, from my enjoyment of whatever they’re doing in front of me at the moment, which is why I can still enjoy the Mission Impossible movies.
When I was in high school, my family went to London on vacation and we got tickets to see Hamlet in the Globe. Which was cool enough. But then during the final act a thunderstorm rolled though, which basically never happens in London. But all the lightning and thunder made for some excellent effects during the climax of the play. It was amazing.
Live! Theater!
I just got tickets to see that in a week-ish. I (maybe naively) didn’t realize demand was so high – it’s showing at a bunch of theaters around here and the majority of showings are sold out. I saw a really good production of King Lear a couple weeks ago and so I’ve also decided I should go see plays more.
There was a combined show of Iphigenia at Aulia/Iphigenia in Taurus years and years ago at the Court Theater in Chicago that has stuck with me (especially Iphigenia’s costume change from Victorian-ish virginal white to punk rock goddess)–I happened to look it up a few months ago and realized the excellent Iphigenia was being played by a very young but already excellent Anne Dudek.
My parents are heavy into theater, so I got taken to a lot of plays (especially Shakespeare–about four years ago my parents accomplished their goal of seeing every Shakespeare play together, although they had to count a condensed Henry VI.) And for some reason, it’s marginally easy for me to bear going to the theater alone than movies or concerts.)
I’ve been more or less obsessed with Tom Stoppard since I was in high school, so a lot of those. . .I’ve seen a few productions with Official Famous People at Steppenwolf. I think the play that most recently completely knocked me out without my expecting it was called Failure: A Love Story which I’m finding super hard to describe:
http://chicagotheaterbeat.com/2012/12/01/review-f…
Um, point? Oh yeah, yea plays!
I also live in Chicago and want to see more plays? Are you on the FB group? Would you like a theatregoing companion?
Oh my gosh yes! And I am on the Facebook group. (Marie)
about four years ago my parents accomplished their goal of seeing every Shakespeare play together
HOLY CRAP. LIFE GOAL.
haha it’s super cute. They have a set of the Yale Shakespeare editions in these wee, pocket-sized blue books where they write down the date and theater whenever they see something, and a poster of the First Folio with little colored dots indicating who (counting me) has seen what how many times.
Ahhhhh! I have that same Yale Shakespeare set! It was my grandmother’s from when she attended finishing school.
I’m so glad you posted this, because we’re going to see it in November and I had a feeling a Toastie or two could give me some insight!
I think the most memorable theatre experience for me was when I saw Twelfth Night at the local college earlier this year. It was all college kids so most of the cast was OK to good, but the guy who played Duke Orsino was AMAZING. He was in complete control of the dialogue and he was spellbinding in a way I hadn’t seen before in the few live professional productions I’ve been able to attend. Seeing that much talent in that sort of a venue was amazing–the college here isn’t really known for it’s theatre program, either. I found out later he won some sort of prestigious Kennedy Center acting award and I was not one bit surprised.
My most memorable theatre experience was Hamlet, also. A production at the State Theatre here, they did the totally bare stage thing but had all these cool platforms and stuff built in so that they could do levels. It was really effective. Also they updated the costumes, but not *too* much. And they played Hamlet as 100% depressed emo dude – when the play opened everyone was sitting around on the dias in their lush clothes and Hamlet was standing to one side, staring into the blackened theatre, wearing a puffer jacket with the hood up, sulking. It worked really well.
Also I went to this production with my sister, who was a teen at the time. At intermission she turned to me and goes ‘everything works out in the end, right?’ Oh, honey.
Good memorable: seeing Brian Dennehy in Death of a Salesman on Broadway. It was shattering.
Bad: I’ve walked out of more Chekhov plays than I can count. Literary, edumacated friends keep trying to convince me, “but THIS play is realllly good!’ Maybe, but it ain’t watchable
Toastie friends, tell me of homemade or otherwise inexpensive holiday gifts that you’ve given or received with great acclaim. Times are lean at the BHam household, with Mr. BHam still un/deremployed, so I feel I cannot just throw money at winter holidays this year but I still want to give people presents they like.
Baked goods. Homemade jam. Homemade chex mix, muddy buddies, and other snacky foods. Basically, anything delicious I can stuff into my face. For reals.
MUDDY. BUDDIES.
om nom nom
I would eat the crap out of some homemade pickles (pickled anything)
People love getting homemade moisturizing balms; they’re really easy to make and customize with various scents and oils. Also, I’ve framed photos I’ve taken and given them out to much acclaim! And one year I made my mom a photo book of a trip we took together. Pretty cheap, and very personal/meaningful!
Yes! I got a bath salt mix one year that was epsom salt in a mason jar plus some cinnamon sticks and anise. Loved it! Could also put in some dried lavender or some camomile tea leaves. I think it probably came out under five bucks per (if you imagine getting a big bag of epsom salts and then dividing it between several jars); it was nice because I love pretty scented things, but rarely treat myself to bath bombs or anything like that.
Yes, I’ve definitely gone the framed photo route in the past, so I can attest to its success!
IKEA has a pretty good assortment of inexpensive picture frames, should you wish to go this route and have the blue and yellow giant near you.
Homemade cocoa mix! You can make other homemade mixes for people to like add X and get cake but cocoa mixes are the best.
I do love cocoa, plus I can foresee buying lots of little nips and including the recipient’s alcohol of choice with the jar of mix. Delightful!
Good thinking. My coworker did the cocoa mixes in little plastic baggies with a ribbon if that saves a little $.
Homemade chai tea mix is also very successful.
Mason jar of homemake cocoa mix FTW. Just beware – you give it one year, and all the sudden you have to give it every damn year, so keep track of that extra-large mixing bowl.
I’m a big fan of hand-made consumables. Baked treats, jars of cocoa mix or spice rubs, etc. I shoulda read the other comments first apparently? Great Toasties Think Alike!
Well, one time I sold my hair to buy a watch chain, but I would call the results “mixed.”
My favorite homemade holiday gift is a delicious cranberry-orange bread. It smells festive and is good for just about anyone who eats grains and sugar. Everyone needs to eat, and making baked goods from scratch is pretty cheap.
I totally got that reference.
Cranberry orange bread sounds magnificent, and I love baking, so that is definitely something I’ll look into. Thanks!
So on the diy front: Homemade food (granola, jam, cookies, those mix in a jar things, etc) are often well received. If you knit or crochet (even just a little), there are scarves and hats and the like that you can make with just a ball of yarn or so and basic stitches (try Ravelry for ideas) I’ve made necklaces too (if you get the beads on sale it’s not too $$, and it’s just stringing). I think the thing that makes all of that seem extra special is labeling and packaging–like, make up your own “brand name” and logo and even something simple can look fancy.
One year I gave mix CDs of holiday music, and I’m pretty sure the reception was mixed, but one person LOVED IT. I know it’s old-fashioned, but it’s exactly the kind of homemade gift that takes time but not much money.
One of my friends does this every year. It’s become A Thing.
I also do this every year, except instead of holiday music my boyfriend and I put together a CD of our 20 or so favorite songs that came out that year. You just have to know your audience — some of our friends are super into it but some definitely don’t care, so we just don’t send one to those people.
I had a friend include a mix CD in a gift swap package for me about 7 years ago. To this day it’s one of my fave music experiences. Would recommend.
I’ve wanted to make it A Thing! But then I run out of time. And now my family picks names. With any luck, this year I’ll get the person who loves my previous ones, because I do have a playlist about half-made.
Or just a CD of music you know the person will like! Super personal, if you know the recipient well enough to know their taste.
Food stuff! Anything dipped in chocolate goes over well with my friends – chocolate-dipped pretzels, chocolate-dipped peanut butter balls, etc.
My aunt’s boyfriend candied grapefruit and orange peel and dipped it in chocolate and Jesus wept. On his birthday! That’s how good it was.
Turn a large bottle of cheap vodka into many smaller bottles of home-made amaretto and/or limoncello! Assuming you have boozy friends.
Oooh, I have made vanilla extract in such a manner but never tried amaretto (might just make a big bottle for myself, tbh, Ham loves her amaretto).
I made lavender extract this way once, it was really good. Definitely recommend.
We did this one year, and flavoured vinegars as well.
I always recommend tiny letters and packages from LeafCutter Designs.
They have a $50 emotional impact for $12, because there are all these stages to opening them – “What is this?” “Oh my God there’s a little magnifying glass, let me unfold it!” “OK, reading the letter – awwwwww” and with the packages the gift is wrapped in a minuscule newspaper which can be read afterwards.
During graduation season, I knit a lot of 2-color block stripe scarves (k2 p2 so they don’t curl up) where the colors were related to the recipient’s next endeavor– grad school colors for a few– or some personality aspect (Hogwarts house?) and they went over extremely well. It helps that all my friends hang out in cold climates.
Last year I started a tradition by making a mix CD of my “2014 HOT JAMZ” and sharing it with all my friends, along with some homemade fudge, and it went over really well! So I’m doing the same this year.
PS fudge = the easiest, if you do it the cheater way. Mix chocolate (any kind) with a can of condensed milk, melt over a pot of boiling water. Spoon into wax-lined baking tin, refrigerate for several hours, then cut into squares. You can use different chocolate (white, dark, those butterscotch/peanut butter/raspberry/orange flavoured chips you can sometimes find) and mix in other things if you want (candy canes, Nerds, Oreos, pretzesl, what have you). One batch takes maybe 10 minutes to prep but longer to set, so I always make a bunch at once.
Jamz and fudge! You’re brilliant.
I’ve given a few very personal, custom cross stitch pieces to friends and family that they’ve really enjoyed – either nicely framed in a garage sale/thrift store frame, or finished in a wooden embroidery hoop.
We’ve also had good luck with giving homemade jams/pickles/etc., and my wife once made sugar scrubs in a variety of scents (whatever the person’s favorite was), which were extremely well received. Something along these lines, I think.
I think people appreciate gifts that are obviously tailored to them. My mom has multiple food restrictions and loves it when people make goodies she can actually eat. One year I did some internet research and printed out Congress’s official plan for the space program as a stocking stuffer for a family member who is really into NASA. When I was pregnant, my dad make me a very elaborate booklet about how to tell a pregnant belly from a watermelon, which was silly and hilarious. My dad (who has a weird sense of humor) has also had great success with making booger collections for selected recipients (chocolate box, balls of rubber cement, descriptions of which animal the booger came from). One year a friend of mine somehow got me a box of my favorite Australian cookies which are not sold in the US. I still don’t know how she did that, but I was beyond thrilled. For my cousins’ 20th birthday, I wrote them a feminist primer and illustrated it with magazine pictures and put in sample-sized beauty products and relevant goodies, each individually wrapped. For some friends who love Indian food but live in a tiny rural town, I went to the Indian grocery store and bought them a bunch of spices and printed off simple recipes. I threw in a cheap Indian tablecloth from Etsy and some incense and wrapped it all up in red paper, and it was a big hit. Obviously no one has time to do this for everybody every year, but I long ago decided that someone is going to get the most personal gift, and the other people won’t, and I just take turns.
In terms of food, I had good reception with spiced pecans. For some reason, people just don’t think about making spiced nuts themselves. Granola is also easy to make and delicious, and you can make it much more indulgent than the store-bought kind; I like to make chocolate hazelnut coconut granola. Biscotti is also good because it very inexpensive to make and keeps for a long time. You could put it with a little package of vacuum sealed coffee.
I am 100% on board for the booger collection. Your dad sounds great.
(My dad also has a weird sense of humor. When he was working two different jobs, a lady in Office A had an upcoming birthday, so he bought a card and had everyone from Office B sign it with really personal sentiments and made-up rememberances as if they actually knew her. Dad humor all day, every day.)
Rosemary-curry-brown sugar spiced nuts were my most successful homemade gift to date!
I second biscotti. One batch makes a TON of cookies, and the homemade ones taste far better than those in coffee shops, which are usually stale. Also, on the topic of silly joke gifts, my mom and her best friend had a running joke about the ridiculous cost of bonsai, so my mom made her friend a “bonsai kit” which consisted of a pair of craft scissors, a toy rake, and a spray bottle of Lysol onto which she pasted a hilarious fake label that said it was “bonsai spray” and warned “do not apply to children or pets.” It was quite a hit.
Homemade photo book and baked goods have been big hits for me
I love to cross stitch, and things have been tight for me the past couple of years, so I gave most of my friends and family a cross stitch relating somehow to their interests (I did several Star Wars ones, a Game of Thrones one, a Harry Potter one, things like that). They said they liked them, but with something handmade like that, I can never tell if they’re being honest or just being nice. Hopefully it’s the former! But I tended to notice that people were, at least on the surface, actually more excited about handmade gifts than about things I’d bought for them anyway.
Your friends aren’t lying, those sound like awesome presents.
I bought a case of plain mason jars from some wholesaler in PA (sorry, I have no idea of their name, but I literally just googled them to find them originally) and have been decorating them with puffy paint. They look really cool if you light a candle in them and you can just google image search decorated mason jars for pattern ideas.
Alcoholic fudge! It’s super easy and delicious and people feel like it’s a special treat. My favorite ones to make and give are white-chocolate-whisky-walnut, and chocolate-coconut-rum. All you do is melt chocolate (or white chocolate) chips and mix in powdered sugar and the booze of your choice, pack into a lined pan, and press in some toppings. It sets really fast and then can be cut and packaged! I follow this recipe for the ratios, and just sub the chocolate/alcohol/nuts for different varieties: http://www.food.com/recipe/jack-daniels-fudge-119…
Once my best friend read a book and made notes in the margins about her thoughts, our inside jokes, etc, and gave it to me for Christmas. It was the BEST.
I also received the BEST homemade gift for my birthday this year, from a crafty friend who found a photo of my dogs, traced it onto fabric, and embroidered it. It looks amazing and feels SO special! Photo here: https://instagram.com/p/3sRXN8JOpj/
I made dark chocolate dipped honeycomb candy one year that was a huge hit. Also, if you live in an area where you can get food specialties they can’t, that can also be good- I’ve given a lot of dried chiles and chile powders to my family over the years- a few cute jars from world market and you’re good to go.
Last year I made everyone in my family a scarf using a rectangular knitting loom. If you buy your yarn from Joann or Michael’s or Hobby Lobby with coupons, you can definitely cut your costs significantly. I gave everyone a scarf in a color they’d like, and for some of the women in my family I made infinity scarves instead of the traditional. My mom was the only person for whom I actually bought a gift, and she was actually UPSET that she didn’t get a scarf! I ended up making her one later.
One year I figured out how many relatives would be at christmas eve, and bought that many presents, wrapped them, and put little hints on them. ie “this present smells delightful” (for nice soap or whatever). And then everyone got to pick one, and trade if they both wanted to. I picked things I thought *someone* would like, but I didn’t have the stress of making it perfect for each person, and so I was able to do most of my shopping at a local dollar-store-like-place, so the total budget was pretty low. And also I regifted a few things that were nice but just Not For Me.
I make cookies for my family every year, and put them in cute bags (sometimes I buy gift bags, sometimes I just have plain paper bags I decorate myself).
If you do the baked goods thing, a few words of advice: plastic wrap (once the items are cool) keeps things nice and neat in the bag, and stick to things you’ve made before that people have liked. I’ve had too many disasters of shit I haven’t made before that either didn’t turn out right, or just weren’t very good.
A few years ago, I made popcorn kits. Each family/person got a few red-and-white striped popcorn bucket, one unfolded with the others tucked inside. Each kit also contained:
– popcorn kernels. I bought a biiiig bag and repackaged into ~2 c. bags sealed & tied w/colorful ribbon; you could class this up by ordering specialty corn, but I went w/regular white & yellow kernels.
– a bag of popcorn salt, bagged & labelled. This is just regular salt ground fine in the blender, so it clings to each piece; I priced out tiny shakers at the dollar store, but forgot to buy ’em.
– a selection of seasonings, also bagged up & labelled. I don’t remember all of these, but I know I bagged up nutritional yeast and made gomashio, something with chili peppers and dried lime zest, furikake, herbs des Provence, and a few sweet flavors including cinnamon-nutmeg-ginger spice, cocoa with mini-chocolate chips, and toasted coconut. I googled for ideas, then tested some recipes. I wanted these to be shelf-stable; if you don’t, you have lots more options!
– a small bag of coconut oil pucks, which I portioned out by the tablespoon in a silicone ice cube tray. This is a frill, totally unnecessary, and probably inadvisable if you’re shipping the gifts or you live in a warm climate.
– printed instructions for making stovetop popcorn, adapted from here and printed (like all the labels) in bright red in a big bubbly font, to match the carnival feel of the popcorn buckets.
It sounds like a lot, but the total cost was groceries (popcorn, spices, which I bought in bulk.; coconut oil was the biggest single expense) + $2 worth of tiny bags for packaging up the seasoning mixes + popcorn buckets (which I found pretty cheap in a package of a dozen, but I also see them at my grocery store in the snack aisle).
I returned safe from the Florida Odyssey! The ‘rents are safely installed in their new home, the rented van was spacious, powerful, and had seats that stowed themselves under the floor (!), and I met with no mishaps along the way. But I am tired. Turns out driving 2500 miles in 5 days turns your brain into TV static. And there is so much to clean up in the wake of the move! And all my missed deadlines! So weekend plans involve mostly work, stretching, cleaning, and more work–with the carrot of a neighborhood bonfire on Saturday.
YOU GUYS I STARTED WATCHING MISS FISHER’S MURDER MYSTERIES LAST FRIDAY AND NOW I ONLY HAVE THREE EPISODES LEFT.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WHEN I FINISH
PROBABLY BURST INTO FLAMES FROM THE UST BETWEEN JACK AND PHRYNE
WATCH THEM AGAIN AND AGAIN.
Dress up as a flapper for Halloween?
I’VE STARTED MY FIRST REWATCH
APPROVED.
READ THE BOOKS
Also, infinite rewatches.
(This is how I have dealt with my own no-more-new-episodes angst)
but the books…were a bit of a let down? at least for me, personally.
i have (re)watched the heck out of the series, though,
Huh. Well of course, your mileage may vary. I found them different and in many ways even better.
They defo won’t hit your Jack-Phryne sweet spot, though.
I’ve read the first eight or so books so far, and I’m enjoying them! The first book is a bit rough, but they get better. I really enjoy the extra time the books can devote to all the characters.
It took me a couple of books before I grew to love them on their own merits. They’re a delight, but it’s better to keep them totally separate from the show in your mind.
I AM IN THIS EXACT SAME POSITION AND IT IS KILLING ME.
Mostly I’ve coped by writing fanfiction, which seems to be helping, but only a little. IT’S NOT THE SAME.
Toast-fession: I dislike Halloween and resent having to go to eleventy-million events for it. I feel like such a Halloween grinch bc so many people love it and I just can’t. Any other haters?
I don’t hate Halloween but I hate Thanksgiving, can I still join?
Come and be welcome! I don’t hate Thanksgiving, but I fully support your right to.
Same! Thanksgiving is the worst. The quote from Brooklyn Nine-Nine sums it up as well as anything: “I am thankful that Thanksgiving only comes once a year. People stuff themselves, and then at midnight, they run to appliance stores and trample each other to death. It’s a garbage holiday.”
I like Halloween, even though I don’t really do anything for it. My husband, however, is not American and ABHORS Halloween. So much that he wants us to go see a movie tomorrow night so we miss all possible Trick or Treating at our house. And that movie can’t be spooky (no Crimson Peak). Goddess damn it, I love him, but this is the most our marriage has ever been tested!!
Yes! Me too! Although my grinchiness is due more to lack of understanding than irritation at having to do things. (Because I’m single and sans kids, I blessedly get to be totally selfish in how I spend my time!)
Maybe I’m just a grumpy old fart, but the whole “dressing up thing” never caught my attention. I get that it’s a ton of fun for people, but it’s just one of those (many) things I can’t seem to relate to.
Oh man, this is the most curmudgeonly post ever. I’m here in solidarity with you! I’ll be stay-cationing at my apartment and steadfastly refusing to answer the door. Scrooge out!
So curmudgeonly! I’ve never really liked Halloween (dressing not my thing either), but I really started to resent it a few years ago when we lived in a Halloween hotspot. We’d get literally hundreds of trick or treaters. For hours it went like this: storm door slammed; doorbell rang; dog barked; baby woke. It was awful.
(I would have turned off the light sooner, but then I would have had to eat all the candy myself.)
Aww, I love Halloween, but I have no events to attend. Let’s switch!
Ha, all of my events are for the 5-and-under crowd. Still interested?
I’m not a fan of Halloween socializing either. Pumpkin carving can be fun but really my favorite part is discount candy on November 1st.
Every year I contemplate buying the discount candy and saving it for next year.
I love spooky things, but I HATE dressing up. Last year on Halloween I stayed in and watched The Haunting and it was the best Halloween ever.
Dressing up is expensive and uncomfortable. Hard pass.
I am Skipping Halloween this year. Entirely. Last year, my colleagues were all going to dress up for work so I felt obligated and pulled together a Rosie the Riveter costume for work. This year, it’s a) not on a weekday and b) in the middle of a MAJOR WORK PROJECT at new job. So I am doing NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL. And it is GLORIOUS and I support you in your Halloween hating.
I’m not a big fan of Halloween and I’m starting to hate it because everyone in my office is super into it, to a degree that I really can’t relate to. Someone asked me why I wasn’t in costume and I wanted to say “Because I am an adult and this is my workplace?…”
I just don’t get why it’s such a big deal. For kids? Sure, enjoy your candy. For adults? It’s not even a day off work.
I’m neutral on Halloween, however, I usually have a video game I can hop into and do their Halloween events. This weekend will probably feature me, at some point, playing “Simon Says” with a deity who kills you if you get it wrong, then maybe running around killing monsters entirely made of candy corn.
I am far too cynical to go along with current (US) Halloween traditions. Kids in my neighborhood have more than enough candy year-round. Plus, we can’t safely have candy in our house, even for a few hours. I am fat and my sweet tooth has very weak brakes. And Mr Rose is diabetic. Our tradition is to leave the house around 3 pm or meet at a restaurant after work. We have a leisurely dinner, then go to a couple of movies. We don’t go home until 11 or 12 at night.
Me! I guess I don’t really dislike Halloween, I just don’t care about it. I have a friend whose birthday happens to fall on Halloween, so I will be going to her birthday dinner and then heading home to enjoy my curmudgeonly peace and quiet.
Don’t care a ton about dressing up, would be happy to stay at home, but REALLY INTO the candy!! which, I get that I am nominally an adult and therefore I can buy giant bags of candy whenever I want them, but Halloween Candy still feels special to me.
My mom still gives us Halloween goody bags, with candy (often See’s!) and holiday hand towels/candles/hot pads and window clings. Now that she lives close again, she delivered mine to my office, but she mails them to the siblings far away.
I love Halloween – but always hated dealing with costumes and events. So I decided a couple of years ago that from now on Halloween weekend is for staying home to cook Fall-themed foodstuffs, drink pumpkin beer, and watch horror movies all day long.
If you hate the events, why not abstain? If you feel like you need an excuse, be like “I’ve got special plans to <insert whatever thing you plan to do at home> on that day, sorry!”
Oops, forgot the part where other people have kids and abstaining from things is sometimes harder to pull off 🙁
I don’t hate Halloween, but I do hate Halloween parties/events. I like decorating the house with glittery bats/ghosts/pumpkins, but I’d rather stay home and not dress up.
After a grueling interview process a company I really wanted to work for just extended a job offer… for less than what I am making now. I tried to negotiate up but they could only give me an additional $3k (which is still less than what I’m making). I’m just really annoyed that I went through more than five interviews for them to not be competitive AT ALL. Aggggggggggggghhhhhhh
In other news I finished my log for the Twin Peaks Log Lady costume this weekend so that’s nice I guess.
Oh, that is my dream costume! Hooray!
Ugh! Sorry to hear about that job interview. Is there anything about the job that might balance out the dip in pay—being able to bike there so as to save on car/transit costs? Or a chance to get more skills training on their dime? Or telecommuting? Something? Anything? Bueller?
Also, definitely no props to them for not being transparent about the pay scale.
I’m just really annoyed that I went through more than five interviews for them to not be competitive AT ALL
Log lady is such a good costume! I saw someone dressed as log lady on public transit last year and I was SO excited but that is when I found out none of my friends have seen Twin Peaks, because I kept on telling everyone about log lady and just getting blank stares. I finally texted my dad to get the excited response I had been waiting for.
ETA: Just remembered that my dad’s response to “I saw someone on the subway dressed as the log lady from Twin Peaks!” was “Did she have a log?” No dad, I figured out that she was dressed as log lady, but she was missing the main characteristic of the costume.
ARGH, so sorry about the job offer. That’s so frustrating.
Sorry about the job offer disappointment. Declining after they understand that their salary is too low is helpful to the applicants who come after you. HR needs to be able to go to management with “5 excellent candidates have turned us down because of money. We need to pay more to get good employees.” You’re on the side of good, is what I’m saying.
I am having a Halloween party tonight, as I do pretty much every year, but this year I went big on the invite list and now I’m panicking about it. Anyone have reassuring stories of parties going well despite being full of people who don’t know each other and hosted by someone who is desperately pretending to be an adult but maybe not succeeding?
On a happier (?) note, I am planning a trip to New Orleans in December to watch Abby Wambach play her last game with the USWNT. It’s my getting-laid-off present to myself. Now if only other people (my dad) would stop trying to come with me…
I have no party advice, unfortunately, but WOW am I jealous you get to see Abby off! That’s going to be so amazing.
Parties are great full of people who don’t know each other. Give fresh conversation fodder. Be ready to introduce a few talkative people with amusing facts about one another, and then it will all be fine.
Big parties are the best. I’ve thrown and attended a lot of parties and IMO it’s Go Big Or Go Home (sometimes literally). I realize big parties are not everyone’s thing, but they are definitely mine because when I get tired or anxious talking with one group, I can go refill my drink or get a snack or whatever and recharge for a few minutes before barging in on another group’s conversation. I have perfected the art of flitting from conversation to conversation, and it’s easy to practice this as a hostess because you have the excuse of asking people if they need drink refills, or to make sure they’re having a good time, or whatever. If you have several groups of friends who don’t know each other, you’ll have to take it upon yourself to introduce them, but with enough alcohol and encouragement, they can take it from there. It’s also an opportunity for you to be loud and drunk (if you drink). People love a drunk host who suddenly decides it’s a dance party for the next thirty minutes. I am not kidding about that.
Have fun! It’ll be great.
THIS. I’ve realized I’m actually really awkward when one-on-one with some of my local friends, and genuinely prefer little snippets of conversations at big parties!
But now I work nights every weekend (like right now–it’s 4:41 am over here), and so many friends are having babies. Sigh.
The best parties I’ve thrown, tons of people came, and we panicked that it was too many, and then it was great. GREAT. Halloween is good already because people’s costumes give them something to talk about right off the bat, and lots of people means that even if two people don’t like each other, they can avoid each other. Really, it will go well.
With big parties, I feel like a lot of expectation is off the host to make things go smoothly — people will sort of naturally introduce themselves to one another after you get the ball rolling with the first few guests. In grad school I lived with 3 roommates who all had very different friend groups, but we threw many large parties uniting art students with townies, stuffy academics with the crowd from the local bike shop — and that’s how my roommate ended up introducing our OTHER roommate to her now-husband!
I am late to this but… one of my favorite things is hosting board game parties (with alcohol), and inviting everyone I know. A different mix of people shows up each time, and it’s always fun. I agree with the other posters that larger groups can take some pressure off the host. I’m generally quite introverted, so this is my time to break out and be more social. Only advice: have an extra bag of chips (or candy or whatever), so you can magically fill the bowl when it gets low halfway through the party.
My library hold on the Hamilton biography came in.
It gets worse. Oh my god it gets worse.
Oh yeah 🙁
I haven’t read past the prologue yet, though; and I’m not sure I will actually finish this 800 pages book because I’m so not a non-fiction person. On the other hand, I do want to read it, if only to point out the differences between real life and musical.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=PLb1ayNIj3f8pKtf…
Lin reading the first 5 paragraphs of the book–including the above
It’s gonna make me cry, right?
Yup.
*puts it off until after work*
You are wise. I was not that wise.
Oh my God, is he himself holding back his tears??
Yes!
He also cried at this:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=PLb1ayNIj3f8p68z…
https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=PLb1ayNIj3f8pDTH…
And this:
A plus… everything.
I just bought my copy and I’m so excited to read it/nervous because I know it will make me FEEL THINGS.
I was reading the beginning on Amazon and I got worked up at the author’s dedication. (It’s dedicated to his wife and he refers to her as “best of wives and best of women”.)
*weeps uncontrollably*
yesterday my job bought me a pumpkin to paint during work hours
and then they let me paint the Evil Eye all over the pumpkin
and then they let me paint blood streaming down from all the eyes
and then they let me write the name of our faulty remote desktop system on the front of the bleeding-eye pumpkin
and then they took a picture of the pumpkin and sent it to our IT department
I love my job.
I think I love your job too.
A+ dramatic presentation
I’ve never actually participated in the comments here, but I have a super earthshaking question – so what kind of mascara really is gentle enough for day long wear on sensitive eyes? I’ve been considering wearing more makeup and I just cannot with mascara (although I have very long but pale lashes, so it does make a big difference on my face.) I’ve tried Almay, and it’s a little better, but still bothers me after a few hours. I almost splurged on the Besame cake mascara just because omg their stuff is so amazing, but if it still bothers my eyes there’s not much point.
Suggestions?
Have you tried Maybelline? I’m a mascara junkie and have tried all sorts of fancy $$$ mascaras and always come back to Maybelline. I used to wear contacts, have pretty sensitive eyes and I never had an issue with them – I would start by trying their original one in the pink and green packaging. Good luck!
Yeah, that’s what I was wearing before I tried the Almay. I mean, it’s fine and all, but it starts to bug me after an hour or two. The Almay is more like four hours and then it just gets, ugh. Definitely not something I’d want to do regularly.
My eyes personally aren’t bothered by mascara, but my mom’s are. Her optometrist told her she had to stop wearing regular mascara because of it, and suggested Blinc mascara instead. If you haven’t heard of it, it’s structurally different than regular mascara, and forms little tubes around the lashes so it doesn’t flake or get into your eyes. At the end of the day you get it wet and the little tubes slide off. It’s expensive, and it doesn’t seem like it adds a lot of volume versus just dyeing them black, but it might be worth a shot if you can get a little tester bottle to try.
I used to use Blinc due to super sensitive eyes and it was eating into my Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer budget, which it turns out I care about more. I now use L’Oreal Double Extend in the red and white tube. It costs $10ish and is for some reason not really advertised as being a tube mascara even though that’s what it is. It works just like Blinc in application and removal, and I frankly don’t see much difference in quality. YMMV. etc. I usually only use the red part of the tube, which is the actual black mascara and find that perfect for day to day use. If you prime with the white side first it will add volume but you then have to work carefully and somewhat quickly to get all the white primer covered up by the black. It is worth it in that using the white first definitely pumps your lashes up extra. Good luck!
I have wanted to try tubing mascaras but didn’t know there was a more budget-friendly option – I don’t really feel I need volumizing per se, just darkening. May save my discretionary pennies and try that one (we’re trying so hard to be on a budget and knock out our debt, and this is our very first month cash budgeting, and I just… I mean, makeup?)
Happy mascara hunting!
It’s hard reorienting where those priorities are with a new budget, I’d love to hear your thoughts on cash budgeting and what does and doesn’t work as you figure things out, if you’d be willing to share. I’m always interested in hearing what works for others and I’ve seen some great conversations around it on The Toast!
Seconding this one! I love Double Extend.
I don’t have sensitive eyes, but I have always hated having to do any extra washing to remove eye makeup. I got a free gift from Lancome once that included Definicils mascara and have loved it ever since. It does the job of mascara, washes off very easily, doesn’t smear all over your face if your eyes tear or if you cry [provided you don’t purposely rub your eyes in circles]. It just sorta flakes off if it does get wet, but doesn’t mess up your face and doesn’t bother anything. The only thing is, it ain’t no drugstore mascara, but it lasts and it’s worth it.
A tubing mascara wouldn’t flake into your eyes, and comes off easily with warm water. Clinique do a good one.
I am also pretty sensitive to mascara, but I’ve found that if I wear smudge proof at a minimum (or waterproof) of any drugstore mascara I typically don’t have trouble. (I do not wear mascara often enough to spend more than drugstore $s on mascara). I think I buy Maybelline a lot?
There’s a “natural” brand sold by isabella catalog which I have found marginally more tolerable–but for me that means OK to wear for a special occasion; I’ve pretty much given up on everyday mascara myself. It’s pretty pricey, though–I got mine because I had a coupon from ordering some other stuff, and I’m not sure if you can find it on sale someplace else. It’s just called “long eyelashes mascara,” I think–not super convenient to Google.
Hamiltoasts! I finally got my best friend to listen to the soundtrack and she loves it as much as I do. I’m so excited to have another person to obsess with!!
My 15 year old son sings it in the shower.
I have just started listening to Hamilton, and I love it, but… Angelica should have been more selfish and just gone for it, because I bet they would have been unstoppable.
Also, I am going to someone’s house for dinner, and am bringing dessert. I have already my fallback, banana & bread pudding, so this time I need another one. Suggestions?
I totally agree about Angelica!!!
And if you can get all the ingredients together this persimmon bread is fabulous and boozy and delicious! I bet it would go great with ice cream too if you wanted to fancy it up a bit: http://www.davidlebovitz.com/2005/11/persimmon-br…
Some kind of fruit crumble? It’s easier than pie.
Agreed, tho Irl she was already married when they met. (They do seem to have had an affair tho, maybe, iirc.)
I’m not at the point where I can deal with them as real people yet, because I don’t love American history, which is why I avoided listening for so long. Right now I’m trying to trick myself still.
Ignore my remark then, & apologies!
Then you definitely don’t want to look at this. http://publius-esquire.tumblr.com
Or this.
http://john-laurens.tumblr.com
So I think I will go ahead and do the exploratory endometriosis laproscopic surgery thing, but I’m a little nervous. It won’t be for a couple of months, at least. The last time I had any surgery of any sort was in second grade when I had my tonsils out, so I’m feeling really nervous and unsure about what will happen. Also — I have some piercings that I’m worried about (2 nipple and a VCH), that I’ve never taken out and don’t know if I could get back in on my own and what if they close up? Tell me it’ll be ok!
I had one a few years ago. It’ll be ok. The worst part is actually the gas they pump in you so you have these annoying gas bubbles. Walk around as much as possible and buy yourself comfy pants like drawstring lounge pants. I was pretty much back in the world after 2 weeks. My advice is to give yourself time to relax and have comfy pants and slip on shoes. Maybe ask a nurse about the piercings? They are nurses, they’ve seen it all.
I’m right there with you, except Im going to wait until I’m well over 18 just so it’s easier. The Toasties helped me so much when I was dealing with all the pains and grossness about a month back, you’re in the best place. IT’LL BE OKAY!!
I think nipples close faster than noses, but when I had to take out my nose ring and couldn’t get it back in, I went to the piercing place and just asked them to help me. Is that an option? could you book it to a reputable piercer after the surgery and ask them to help out? Good luck! You’ll be ok <3
I had that surgery about 4 years ago, and it will most definitely be okay! I don’t have piercings like that so can’t speak to that issue, but the surgery itself was the easiest thing in the world – they knocked me out and next thing I know I wake up with a tiny lil scar in/over my bellybutton (which has long since faded) and absolutely no pain or side effects of any kind. Plus I got to look at photos of my intestines which was cool. You will be fine!
Did you have a good outcome? I mean, was the pain reduced?
It’ll be okay! It’ll be okay. I’m having uterine issues, too, at the mo’ . We will get through this together.
Is that Freddie Prinze Jr? I love him and I hope so.
It’s Hiddleston and Chris Evans.
They don’t look dissimilar really. I will take one of each, please!
Thank you all so much! I just called my piercing place and got the following infor in case anyone else needs it:
*Nipple piercings close up wicked fast, so she suggested coming in a week before the surgery and getting a glass retainer for them. These are non-conductive so they are ok to have in during surgery. She said to wait till the last minute though because they tend to fall out easily.
*VCH should stay open just fine but if I can’t get it back in on my own we can do that when I come in to have my nipple rings replaced and the retainers taken out.
It will be ok, you got this!
My dumb knee is all jacked up and my indoor soccer season starts on Sunday BOOOO
Board and card games thread!
Last weekend was the local science fiction festival I help out with, and I managed to demo Netrunner to three people, one of whom wasn’t someone I know and could have taught Netrunner to at any time. So I will count that as a success! I ended up using the officially recommended demo decks, because I realized I’d only need a handful of proxies to put them together. They are super weird, but I think I’m starting to understand the method behind the madness.
Also, since I wasn’t on the open thread last week due to the same festival: the weekend before last I played in a tournament at the local store that hosts weekly Netrunner nights. I came in seventh out of thirteen. It was five rounds of Swiss, and I got the bye in the third round, which I think helped my standings a fair bit. Also some of the more experienced local players weren’t able to make it. Even with all that, I do think seventh place is pretty good for my first tournament. I got a deck box, though I’m not entirely sure why, and an alt-art Swordsman, which was basically a participation prize. It was a lot of fun!
What have you been playing this week?
Nothing yet, but I’m on the look out for a D&D game to join. Just moved to a new city though, so it feels like a monumental task to find a group that I connect with. Not impossible though.
I’m also working on figuring out how to do play-by-post or something similar, so I can keep the threads going with my old gaming buddies. Not sure where to start on that though, so I’m just sort of pondering the issue.
I saw a thing lately about a tool for playing tabletop RPGs through Google Hangouts. Unfortunately I didn’t hang on to the link, but it might be something to look for.
I’ll have to search around! That would be perfect, although I imagine there’s a lot of coordinating needed to get everyone on the same page schedule-wise for a Hangout.
Yeah, this sounds like a great idea! I’ve always wanted to try a D&D or similar RPG game, but don’t really have anyone in person to play with.
We are doing a board game day for Halloween tomorrow! I bought Mysterium, Zombie dice, and an expansion for Eldritch Horror for the occaision (I also have Betrayl at House on the Hill).
I’m glad to hear that your Hallowe’en board game day is ready to go! I look forward to hearing how it went next week.
MYSTERIUM. My friends and I have been on the hunt for that since it was released at GenCon this summer, and we finally played it last week! It was great – we finished one game and immediately turned around and played it again. Hope you enjoy it as much as we did!
Really looking forward to it! It is the type of cooperative game our group enjoys, and it seems like individual rounds shouldn’t last super long (I love Eldritch Horror but the gaming fatigue is real).
Maybe too late for this Halloween, but if you like card games, Get Lucky is great. (It’s the card version of Kill Dr. Lucky — basically Clue in reverse.)
I prefer the card version, which is saying something because I hate Munchkin and Fluxx, which are practically sacred texts in my friend circle.
It’s a little silly and different for us but we’ve been enjoying The Wikipedia Game – it’s really simple to pick up and is a good game to dip in and out of or have everyone kind of unite on, rather than be really competitive about winning. It’s officially in the party game rotation with Cards Against Humanity and Balderdash.
Toasts and ghosts!!! I just watched The Addams Family movie for the first time last night and I am feeling so many (sexy) things about Gomez and Morticia!! No one told me the movie was so heavy on love/sex/BDSM/kink stuff and it’s wonderful to behold.
Man, I love those movies. I tend to re-watch Addams Family Values more often because the Wednesday storyline is the actual best thing ever, but they’re both childhood favorites.
“I’ll be the victim!”
“…all your life.”
Is this the place to quote every line from that movie?
“My parents, Sharon and Dave. Generous. Doting. Or were they? All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie. In her pretty pink tutu. My birthday. I was 10, and do you know what they got me? Malibu Bar-bie. That’s not what I wanted! That’s not who I was. I was a ballerina! Graceful! Delicate! They had to go.”
“I have seen the unholy maggots which feast in the dark recesses of the human soul!”
“They’re at camp.”
“And let’s not forget our cheery little Chippewas! Mordecai….Yang…Esther…Consuela…Erwin…and…I’m not sure how to pronouce this one yet…Jay-mul?”
“Jam-ul?”
“Jamal?”
“Whatever.”
Gomez and Morticia are the perfect couple that all relationships should aspire to, troofax.
YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES.
Even on the TV show!
*pours one out for Raul Julia*
Him & Anjelica Huston, man. So hot.
I’ve decided to stop lurking and actually introduce myself.
Hi! (Librarian/Digital Content Manager, Chicagoland, 1 cat 0 kids, HAVE SEEN HAMILTON IT WAS AMAZING, ALSO SAW FUN HOME IT WAS ALSO AMAZING)
OK, that’s all for now. I hope you all have a lovely weekend full of contentment.
OH MY GOD, I’M A LIBRARIAN/ARCHIVIST/DIGITALCOMMUNICATION MANAGER IN THE OUTSKIRTS CHICAGOLAND
we need to be besties.
Hello, new bestie! I’m in the… inskirts? Underskirts? Yeah, Underskirts sounds good. I’m in the underskirts of Chicagoland, pretty close to the city.
Digital content management 4 life or until technology marches on!
YESSS MOAR CHICAGOLAND TOASTS.
Are there enough of us to have a meetup someplace that isn’t in the city? Because I love going to the city, but it’s a long way, and parking.
I am ALSO a Librarian with an emphasis on Digital Content in Chicagoland! I second the idea to have a non-city meetup. (1 dog, 0 kids, 1 very cute nephew)
I’m going to NYC this weekend!! We’re going to do the Hamilton lottery tomorrow evening, more to see a potential #Ham4Ham than to actually try and win tickets (my expectations are subterranean), and we’ll probably end up seeing something else (I’m rooting for Matilda! It seems like good Halloween fare). Otherwise our plans are SUPER up in the air – Sunday is the New York Marathon, and I think my uncle is running it but I haven’t actually talked to him about it, oops? I should probably do that…
Have fun, safe travels, and good luck!
Matilda is a super fun show! If you don’t win #Ham4Ham, it is an excellent backup plan. Plus, you can get discounted tickets at TKTS!
Fun Home has kind of been eclipsed by Hamilton, but it’s really great. No idea what the last minute ticket situation is, though.
I definitely need to see Fun Home eventually! I did look at tickets the other day, and they were still pretty $$ – it is the reigning Best Musical, still. But their lottery is app-based and low-stress, so we might do that too.
Fun Home also has same-day Standing Room tickets for the same price as the lottery. The show is 1 hour 45 minutes with no intermission, so if you are able/willing to stand for that long, it may be an option!
I have been rewatching Posh Nosh, and remains the absolute best. Have you all watched it? If not, you should! They are on youtube, and not that long, and sometimes they include a SURPRISE DAVID TENNANT!
It is the BEST. The BEST. All the little class things, and the asides, and GOD I love it.
“If you don’t have an AGA…” (face falls)
<3
General scary movies thread?
I’m shockingly on schedule for actually finishing 31 horror movies in October, given my usual inability to follow through on things like that (I’m lucky if I ever finish a full season of a TV show). But I’ve seen twenty-nine as of last night, so my odds look good to finish two more by midnight tomorrow.
What have other people been watching? What kind of scary movies do you enjoy?
I’ve been doing the same thing! I’m a few behind on my 31 movies list, so I have to watch a lot today and tomorrow. Of course, I don’t love legitimately scary movies, so I’ve mostly been watching either classic/silent horror movies (Nosferatu, The Phantom of the Opera), kids Halloween movies (Corpse Bride, Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit, Nightmare Before Christmas), Gothic romances (Wuthering Heights, Crimson Peak), or funny monster movies (Shaun of the Dead, What We Do in the Shadows). I saved A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night for tonight, it’s one of my very favorites.
If you like old horror movies, I have to recommend “Vampyr”. 1932, early sound film by Carl Dreyer. It’s weird as hell, super dreamlike and eerie.
Ooh, that sounds awesome! I’ll have to find it. Thanks!
Ghosts!!!!! No torture, please and thank you. Slashers only if they’re from the 80s. But mostly, ghosts.
Best scary move I’ve seen in years: It Follows. Almost TOO scary.
It Follows has been on my list all month (or, really, since it came out), but I haven’t seen it yet! I need to get on that.
I am all about ghost-based movies, too. Of the twenty-nine movies I’ve watched, the only one I lost any sleep over was when I rewatched A Tale of Two Sisters for the first time since I saw it probably eight years ago. Which may have partly been a case of me watching it right before bed, but . . . But it still has a couple of my favorite ghost moments in cinema.
For great ghost movies, I’m a big fan of the Japanese film Pulse (Kairo) from 2001. It has one or two of the absolute most teeth-grindingly tense sequences I’ve ever seen. On the other hand, when I’ve shown it to other people, I’ve either gotten “I could not sleep at all after that” or “that was the least scary movie ever.” Apparently, there’s no middle ground.
Oh, and how about The Others? Straight-up gothic ghost story, and it’s excellent. As if it needs to be said : don’t look up the plot, just rent and loooove.
Ohh the Others is so fun! I did not know anything about it going in, which was perfect.
I haven’t seen Pulse, but I am always here for Japanese ghost horror. I HAVE seen A Tale of Two Sisters and that is some fucked up shit.
Oh, and I almost forgot : Shutter (the 2004 Thai original) is a pretty great ghost-revenge film, with loads of creepy J-horror style ghost action. Recommended!
I saw The Others at an outdoor screening on a warm summer night, years ago, and every single person in the audience jumped about a foot out of their seat at the one jump-scare sequence. (I, for one, may have shrieked.) Good times!
I can recommend The Babadook, The Pact, and Housebound. Also Watcher in the Woods, although I haven’t seen it since I was an adolescent. I’ve been too scared to watch it again this year!
UGH Watcher in the Woods. On the Disney VHS tapes I would rent as a child, it was always part of the pre-movie compilation of clips from other Disney movies and even the five seconds of footage freaked little me right the heck out whenever I just wanted to watch Flight of the Navigator or what have you.
I will always watch John Carpenter’s “The Thing.” To me, it’s the perfect horror movie. Implacable, unknowable adversary, goopy 80s special effects, and characters who act pretty much rationally and make good, well-reasoned decisions … and it doesn’t help.
The Thing is great. I think it’s become one of my obligatory snow-day movies. You know, when it’s cold and miserable and blizzarding out in mid-January or so and you can’t leave the house because the weather’s too bad–Then you watch The Thing and The Shining.
Also the practical effects in The Thing are so amazing and tactile and slimy. I love them for how effectively gross they feel to look at.
I liked House of the Devil and The Innkeepers (both were on Netflix last year). I didn’t find either of the final “reveals” that scary but both had very creepy moments that got under my skin.
House of the Devil was one of the ones I watched this month too. I didn’t find the final reveal to be super scary, but it sort of harked to those 1980s B-movie horror films that played off the whole Satanism/cult panic and I found it entertaining. And I loved loved the first two thirds where it was basically just her and that empty house and the slowly mounting tension and dread . . .
We Are Still Here was another I watched with a similar throwback look and feel and it also sort of did a similar thing, where it slowly and quiet built tension and then basically pulled out all the stops in the final reel in a way that was definitely entertaining but not exactly terrifying. (I think both movies were actually distributed by the same company/studio, if I remember correctly.)
I really liked House of the Devil (the atmosphere is so good!) and thought the Innkeepers was pretty boring, though the surprise Lena Dunham cameo cracked me up.
Oh, hey! I just looked up the distributor (Dark Sky Films) to check and make sure I wasn’t misremembering that, and noticed that they distributed The Innkeepers too, which led me to see that it was also directed by Ti West (of House of the Devil) so now I want to see that too, because I loved House of the Devil‘s visual style.
So I will definitely be watching that at some point.
I just watched “A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night” and while it’s not major scary it’s a gorgeous, creepy, suspenseful film.
I LOVE that movie!!! It’s up next on my Halloween movie list, actually. It’s so unique and fantastic. And the girl is a total badass, I love her.
I watched Unfriended last night, and while definitely not the BEST movie (in general the basic plot was pretty predictable), it was really made up for by the WAY they did it. The whole thing is done through the view of one of the character’s computers. The other characters are all on Skype convos, and there’s clicking to browsers and FB and email, etc etc. It was so well done that for awhile I just kept trying to click things on the screen only to remember it was a movie. Plus it did get pretty creepy.
I was just really happy to find a movie with REALISTIC computer usage, lol. Not ones where people are using BING, or like madeup search engines and email and such, etc.
Plus, idgaf, I love found footage movies. They creep me out so much. In that vein, highly recommend Paranormal Activity I, Grave Encounters (the first, the second was meh), Trollhunter (you have to watch with subtitles but worth it), The Bay (not ghosts but a parasitic outbreak, SO good!), Cloverfield (whatever I loved it), Europa Report (creepy space movie). I’m sure there’s more.
Man now I’m hankering for more, haha.
Gosh, I watch so many and there are so many I like. Resolution is a good recent one. The Omen is a great classic if you haven’t seen it (I assume all the big ones like Halloween and Nightmare are too obvious to mention, right?) I aim to re-watch Stepford Wives this weekend and remember really liking it when I saw it forever ago.
A bunch of the Italian ones are great – Suspiria, Deep Red, Blood and Black Lace, to name a few.
I like scary movies that are heavy on atmosphere and low on gore. The Devil’s Backbone and The Shining are two that come to mind. I guess “gore” isn’t the right word, but… low kill counts? Things are scarier if no one dies.
Evil Dead is maybe on the list for this weekend– I’ve never seen it before, but the new series with Bruce Campbell and Lucy Lawless looks fun and I’d like to get caught up.
Yes! I am so excited about the Evil Dead series. You can skip the first Evil Dead, though, as Evil Dead II is pretty much a remake of the first, but with the horror / comedy dialed in (the first is more of a straight horror flick).
Though, uh, fair warning : the Evil Dead movies are super gory. Like, buckets.
That’s good information! I had heard Evil Dead was good for the camp, and if Evil Dead II is more along those lines, that’s the one I’d want to watch.
And thanks for the heads up on the gore 🙂
I recently saw a Venezuelan scary movie that was very good, La casa del fin de los tiempos. I don’t like scary movies with violence or gore, just ghosts or paranormal stuff and good jump scares. The Orphanage (also in Spanish) is great too.
Halloween gifs? Halloween gifs.
I DON’T KNOW WHY BUT THIS GODDAMN DANCING PUMPKIN MAN GETS ME EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Pumpkin Man is truly the best. (Also, I think he and Drake went to the same dance school!)
I don’t honestly have any funny ones on hand for this, but be careful with who’s following you this Halloween.
I’m one of the many of us who is enjoying Hamilton but not to the point where it’s worth the money/time it would take to actually see the show on Broadway.
And last night it occurred to me that within my lifetime, Hamilton will become a high school musical and I will go see THAT and it will be AMAZING.
I am encouraging my 5-yo’s interest in musical theater for EXACTLY this reason.
I saw In The Heights (LMM’s first show) at a high school earlier this month & it was pretty fabulous, actually. It was all-district, so it was the best actors from several schools, and they rented a boss touring set.
Surely Broadway Across America will start a tour of Hamilton soon? Because I am strongly in favor of seeing it live, but less strongly in favor of flying my family of 4 from Texas to NYC and paying for tickets and hotel and everything.
*whispers* Why do they have to come?
Well, mostly I just want to take my 15 year old, which would cut most of the expenses in half.
15 years old, y’all. He’s taking theatre and US History this year & talks Hamilton w/ teachers & classmates, and every day he picks out a few more bars of Hamilton on his piano (he’s obsessive about his piano), and he makes up alternative lyrics to Hamilton tunes to narrate road conditions as he practices driving, and quoting lines to each other has become our secret code language.
Seeing Hamilton on Broadway with him is about the only thing that would be better than just seeing Hamilton on Broadway would be.
So if I could get away with it, the two of us would go. The other two have, like, feelings about being excluded from our Hamilton Clubhouse and stuff, so I don’t want to deliberately alienate them, cause I love them and all.
Feelings ruin everything.
Oh my god, what a perfect time to be him and 15 and in US History right now! This makes me so happy to hear about.
It’s going to be SOOOO BAD but so good. I’m sure they’ll trim it down very heavily. It will be a train wreck. I can’t wait.
Haha yeah they’ll have to cut out the swears, and MAYBE “lock up your horses” (but I hope not).
Yes! I feel very weird every time I realize there will be people who have never lived in a world before Hamilton, but on the plus side I will definitely get to see it at all the little theaters around where I live.
On the note of Hamilton being a high school musical, I just loved this quote from LMM in a piece from the New York Times:
“That’ll be the note that goes with the school productions: If this show ends up looking like the actual founding fathers, you messed up.”
(Source)
My nightmare is my high school (named after a founding father!) putting on Hamilton. It is so white. SO white. When I was a senior they did A Chorus Line with an all white cast. It was so absurd.
I unfortunately lived through my (mostly white) high school doing a production of The Wiz. I’m not sure I could stomach seeing Hamilton similarly ruined.
While desperately searching for show footage of Hamilton, I came across this, and it’s exactly as painful as I’m sure it would be if done by my high school.
I wonder if an all-white school can fix it by casting women as the founding fathers.
The only part in this show I would want to play is that of George Washington, so this checks out.
Right?! In 15 years, your local high school production will be put on, and you’re going to be all grumpy that it’s not a majority-minority cast.
I live in Chicago, so that probably (hopefully!) won’t be the case. Part of why I’m excited about the high school musical thought was that my high school was majority-minority but theater was not…sure, there were plenty of kids of color playing canonically white (or, yknow, race not specified but the show is from the 40s or whatever) characters, but the kids who were awesome at rapping were not the same kids trying out for shows. so I’m optimistic that at schools with a nonzero number of kids of color, this show would be a big push in the right direction, for kids who might not have felt welcome on stage and for directors who might have defaulted to white kid leads without really thinking about it.
Yeah… but what if they start casting it with white high schoolers? I feel like that’s not the point
Oh but just imagine the schools with massive minority populations. BEAUTIFUL.
#ParksandHam thread!
@Lin_Manuel
@communistbabe
“Here’s an itemized list of 30 years of disagreements.”
“Sweet Jesus.” My Leslie-Ron love letter in Hamilton. @KenTremendous
11:47am – 8 Oct 15 https://mobile.twitter.com/lin_manuel/status/6521…
I actually don’t know Parks and Rec, but perfect caption is perfect.
http://nerdgurl27.tumblr.com/post/132157045310/su…
It’s almost Halloween and I haven’t seen nearly enough spooky content on the internet to satisfy my desires! what’s the creepiest thing you guys can link me to? Here’s mine to start: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manuel_Blanco_Romas…
Oh, and on that note, yesterday I was thinking about haunted houses, and I remembered that there was a house just a few blocks from my grandma’s house that was purportedly haunted. It was certainly spooky, and I remember riding my bike around it trying to get a glimpse of what was inside, but I didn’t know anything about it. Figured it was just a big house in disrepair. Here’s a photo (not mine): https://www.flickr.com/photos/johnandjeanne_photo…
Anyway, I did some googling, and the house is a million times spookier than previously thought. It was built by a local mining magnate in the 1890s. He was murdered during a labor dispute after he tried to break a strike at the mine.
Later, the actor who went on to play Eddie Munster (!) lived there, and he swears it was haunted, and apparently tried to make some kind of paranormal investigation TV program about the house?
Then, about 15 years ago (so around/ slightly after the time I was still riding my bike around there), the county prosecutor moved in, and sometime later was found murdered, his body dumped on the side of a highway.
That’s a whole lot of creepy business. Weird when your childhood fears turn out to have some grounding in reality.
This is from last year, but Jezebel just re-ran it: http://jezebel.com/11-more-of-the-scariest-storie…
The one called “Look at Me” is so scary I almost threw up at my desk.
Ooh, I remember that! Are they doing another on this year?
It doesn’t look like it, which is a bummer.
http://jezebel.com/prepare-your-nightmares-our-an… looks like it!
WAIT I LIED, there should be a new one going up soon: http://jezebel.com/prepare-your-nightmares-our-an…
“She Never Left Our House” is SO SAD.
The one called “Look at Me” is so scary I almost threw up at my desk.
This sort of thing is why I will always lock my doors, even if I wind up living miles away from anybody, in the middle of nowhere. Heck, especially if I wind up living miles away from anybody, in the middle of nowhere.
I can’t believe it looking back, but there were a few years when I never locked my door (small town, can’t ever remember my keys anyway) and luckily* the scariest thing that ever happened was my next-door neighbor drunkenly stumbling into the wrong house. *I do kind of wish I had a good scary story to share around Halloween, though.
I don’t have anything incredibly cool to contribute, but someone once put together this post of creepy Wikipedia articles that I’ve kept on hand for whenever I feel the need to learn something unsettling:
http://theo-winterwood.tumblr.com/post/9082752643…
This is awesome. I’ve been reading a lot of wiki pages about female serial killers lately (because of feminism, obviously). For some reason a lot of the best/worst ones are in Mexico? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Female_ser…
Well, now I’m going to get caught down this rabbit hole and come up knowing more about female serial killers than would be appropriate to bring up at a dinner party. 🙂
I remember there was a book about female murderers in my high school library that I probably read cover-to-cover in bits and pieces by the time I graduated, but it wasn’t specific to serial killers, because it had a long section on the Parker/Hulme murder. And a really long section on Elizabeth Bathory that got pretty . . . descriptive.
I share a first and last name with a (semi kinda a little?) famous female serial killer (this makes self-Googling insteresting), and if I can finish the GODDAMN FUCKING NOVEL* I deeply want to write something meta/surreal about that if only to have it say at the end “[alula] lives in Chicago with two cats and makes excellent soups and cookies, none of which contain any poison whatsoever. Promise.”
*sorry. . .a lot of feels about the GFN right now.
spookiest podcasts I have found:
Lore: Unboxed http://www.lorepodcast.com/episodes/15
Absolute scariest telling of the Robert the Doll story that I know of. (Proceed with caution.)
Lore: In the Woods http://www.lorepodcast.com/episodes/episode-7-in-…
This is craaaaaazy
Love + Radio: Ghost Stories http://loveandradio.org/2005/10/ghost-stories/
This is AWESOME. I legit got scared at work listening to this.
Ooh! Thanks for the recs. I’ve been wanting more spooky podcasts since I got through the Black Tapes.
Some of the stories in this creeped me out yesterday: https://www.quora.com/What-are-some-horror-storie…
I was wondering what to read once I finished those stories on Jezebel.
I reserved a del Toro movie from the library for this weekend, so will pick that up today. Managed to get my candy/treat bags prepped last night, so am all ready for the littles to come by. Last year we only had about a dozen, and it’s going to be raining this year, so I have no idea if we’ll even get any.
This morning I am also supposed to call back the people I interviewed with on Monday. So I will reply with what happens…
Ooh, which GdT movie? I’m a big fan. (Haven’t had time to see Crimson Peak yet, though)
Good luck with your job stuff!
The Devil’s Backbone. Looking forward to it!
That’s a great one! I should watch it again, it’s been a few years.
Well, they’ve offered it to me, and now I don’t know what to do. I said to her that I had been thinking about messaging this week to pull myself out of the running, because I was really feeling not-very-confident in my ability to do the job right. So I have another 3 hours to give it some more thought and then I have to call back to say one way or the other. Halp…
Please don’t let lack of confidence be the reason to decline the job. Think back to the times you turned out to be so much more capable than you anticipated. Our society teaches women to constantly doubt ourselves. Please don’t decline for this reason.
However, if you just don’t like the work, the people, the commute, OK. Keep the current job if it’s truly better, not just more familiar.
tl;dr: I believe in you.
It’s also a big pay drop. And I’ve never vacillated this much about a job offer before, which has got to mean something.
Declined. I have to trust myself (not being able to decide is a big red flag). Much as I hate this job, I didn’t want to leap into something I didn’t feel at least 80% about.
I am relieved. Been wanting to post that a pay drop is almost always a deal breaker for me. But didn’t want to rain on your parade if you accepted the job. You made the best decision. And A+ trusting yourself. Very good self-awareness. I want to be more like you.
My friend called me to see if I was awake for the gym this morning, and I answered by rapping “Guns and horses giddy up, I decide to divvy up my for-ces, they’re skittish as the British cut the city up.”
Oh and my ringtone is this. http://tyndalecode.tumblr.com/post/131962390612/i…
(You can get it easily by installing Tumbloader.)
#hamiltrash
This is the first time I have ever been tempted to download a ringtone.
Me too!
I sort of had a crappy week – nothing actually happened, but that’s basically the problem. I’m thisclose to graduating, won’t start grad school until next autumn, and don’t have an idea on what to do in the meantime – or rather, I have ideas, but no money.
And then I’m going to my parents’ tomorrow for my uncle’s birthday – I’m pretty sure even without costumes it’s going to be scary.
I guess what I’m trying to say is this: Please send funny gifs my way.
“Gentlemen, I just don’t belong here.” This is what a badass sounds like.
<a href=”http://mcnallykids.tumblr.com/post/130813144591/ursula-k-le-guin-refuses-to-blurb-a-story” target=”_blank”>http://mcnallykids.tumblr.com/post/130813144591/ursula-k-le-guin-refuses-to-blurb-a-story
Love her!
That letter is a thing of beauty and a joy forever.
Signed,
Her Royal Majesty
Ursula Kroeber Le Guin,
Queen of the Eloquent BURN
Sealed With a Deadly Glare
She is one of my namesakes. #PROUD
<a href=”http://undeceased.tumblr.com/post/99874189102/german-shepherd-dog-painted-in-time-for-halloween” target=”_blank”>http://undeceased.tumblr.com/post/99874189102/german-shepherd-dog-painted-in-time-for-halloween
As if my dog isn’t already terrified by the plastic dog skeletons all over our neighborhood.
is it safe to paint dogs? I hope so
Probably depends on the paint?
That is so dang cool!!!!
brilliant!
I’ve talked a few times on Open Thread now about a job opportunity I wasn’t sure about, because of the long hours and the change of industry. I had my final interview yesterday, which involved just spending some time with the team and getting to know them. By the time I left, I’d decided that if the job was offered to me I would take it. And lo and behold, I had an offer by the end of the day! I gave my notice at my current job this morning. New job has been nice enough to let me finish out my current projects, which end December 4, so I won’t be starting there until December 7.
I’m really stoked about the new job now (mostly because it will pay me an actual livable wage and I can buy socks without holes in them now) but it’s a little bittersweet. I’ve been at my current job for three years. It was my first job out of university, my first professional gig in my field, and I was really close with all my co-workers. Most of them have already left for greener pastures, so the separation won’t be that hard, but it will be weird to finish up this season knowing it’s my last. Anyone else deal with this when they transition out of a somewhat toxic workplace?
So, I am terrible with change. Change of jobs, moves, change of toothpaste – all of it. My method, which works for me but I also sometimes neglect to implement, is to really talk myself through it. Or maybe write. Here are the things I will not miss about X. Here are the things I will miss about X. Here are the people I would like to keep in touch with, and how I intend to do so. Here are the hopes I have about X. Here are the worries I have about X. And so on, and so on. Congratulations, and good luck!
Oh, I like this idea a lot! Kind of like a pro-con list. I have recently started journaling so I think I will integrate this into it. Thank you!
it will pay me an actual livable wage and I can buy socks without holes in them now
my standards, they are so low
Hey! I went through this last year – I left a somewhat toxic job, was unemployed for a month, and then got a lovely new job at a new place. It was really scary! Leaving a place that was comfortable and familiar was terrifying, even if I was getting fucked over a bit. Out of fear of the unknown, I’d completely convinced myself that I could and should have to deal with the shitty parts of my old job.
HOWEVER, once I realized that was what I’d done, I knew that I deserved something better. And lo and behold, my new job is SO MUCH NICER. Like, this is how people should feel at their jobs. They should not dread going to them. They should feel like they are being fairly compensated for their labour. They should be unafraid to speak up if things are shitty.
So I have faith, chnellociraptor, that you will also have that epiphany moment. Good luck!!!
Thank you! I’m so glad I’m not the only one who’s experienced this. You’re a gem.
I had a really tough couple of weeks at work and started, out of sheer self-preservation (b/c I feared I was about to say something unforgivable to my boss) starting the day listing the top 5 things I’m grateful for. It bloody worked – I made it through and have even rolled with a client calling my copy “bland, boring, and lacking creativity” (yeah well at least it’s not tautologous, bitch) (okay, when I say ‘rolled with’ I mean ‘didn’t set anyone on fire’ which is a win, right?). If anyone wants to join me, my list for today is: Getting a compliment in my email this morning; three pairs of new socks; my Ma healthy and happy; finding a really nice cardigan I’d forgotten about; being invited to a queer riot girl band night by one of the funky millennials who work at my local cafe.
I could really use this today, so thank you!
1. Our tickets to Hamilton arrived yesterday
2. I get to see my two BFFs marry each other on Sunday
3. Friends and strangers were willing to talk to me about their hysterectomies this week
4. Honeycrisp apples
5. It’s Friday and I have nothing planned for tonight
Is the new format absolutely not even close to working with the “Go To Comment” link in email notifications? It just shoots me to the top of the article’s page.
That’s always happened for me. Also when I click through from my IntenseDebate profile.
Yup.
yeah, it hasn’t been working for me either. with the old layout it would work maybe 50% of the time (when it didn’t, it was mostly when the comments went over to multiple pages, like in open threads) but now it doesn’t work at all 🙁
It hasn’t been working for me, either. Additionally, I used to be able to click straight through to the comment section from the front page rather than having to scroll through the article to get to the comments. It’s not a huge deal, but on the art posts etc it was nice.
you can still do that (or at least I can)! click on the orange comment icon/numbers and it should take you right to the comments.
Hasn’t worked since the change for me.
Well, at least I’m not alone…
https://mobile.twitter.com/Lin_Manuel/status/6591…
TOASTS: I’m going to see The Ortberg in actual real life at a talk tonight. I’m totally not going to be weird and too excited about it.
HAVE FUN AT MY ALMA MATER!
IT IS MY (GRAD SCHOOL) ALMA MATER, TOO!!
I was so so SO SO SO SO so so stoked to go, but my friend is in town, and alas, I cannot, and also alas, Brandeis is so far away.
You should go in costume, for I cannot.
I had to ask permission to leave work early so I could catch the one train out to the ‘Tham that arrives in time, so no costumes for me, except for what I am already wearing. Maybe I could go as “Library Patron” or “Decemberists Enthusiast”? Or maybe “sparky BFF in a rom-com”?
“Someone Who Would Be Played by Judy Greer In The Adaptation Of A Biopic About Her Friend” is my aesthetic as well
My plan is to be a witch and just wear my own clothes. If anyone’s like “um, you aren’t dressed like a witch” I’ll just be like “why would you think we all dress the same?”
This gif made me laugh out loud (for real) earlier today. Every time I come back to it, it continues to make me laugh out loud.
Thank you Either_Ada for enriching my life.
Urgh. I have one new housemate who’s moved in this week, and have to find another new housemate in the next few weeks, so my social anxiety is ridiculously bad at the moment.
I’m struggling with the fact that, when interviewing potential housemates, I let them know that I’m currently unemployed while I work on my anxiety, because if they think mental health problems aren’t real or hate disability benefit claimants then I’d rather know that before they move in. But also this isn’t something I usually tell people who aren’t close friends, so I hate doing it, especially to someone I barely know and don’t trust at all.
I feel like it means I then have to be at least somewhat open to other questions about my anxiety. If someone asks something really invasive I’ll tell them I’m not comfortable talking about it. But really I don’t want to talk about it at all.
I keep bracing myself for someone to say something ableist, but it’s probably just PMS and my jerkbrain.
I can tell it’s hard on you, but I think you’re doing a smart thing by letting them know about it up front–if they’re going to say dumb stuff, you want to know, and you also want to give them the opportunity to quietly go away and never share their dumb opinions with you instead of you finding out about them when you already share a legal document and a bathroom.
I wish you many relaxing kittens.
Thank you, that is an extremely cute kitten 🙂
Whereabouts are you? Probably too far for me to interview, but I need a place circa two months ago, so now would be awesome, too.
This has been a frustrating work week. For context, I work FOR a nonprofit, but I work AT a hospital, so I technically have supervisors in both places. Yesterday, my nonprofit supervisor called me and said that my hospital supervisor had contacted him with “concerns” about my work. Hospital supervisor is very busy and doesn’t do all that much communicating with me, and he literally has not said anything to me about being dissatisfied with my work. Instead of speaking directly with me, he went over my head – which makes it seem like he’d been trying to correct these issues for a long time, and I wasn’t being receptive so he had no choice but to go over my head.
FORTUNATELY, I have an excellent relationship with my nonprofit supervisor, and worked directly with him for a year before moving into this job. So instead of taking hospital supervisor’s word at face value, he called and was like “this is the feedback I’m getting; I know you and I don’t think you would intentionally under-perform or not correct mistakes. This doesn’t sound like you. What’s your perspective?”
I went to my hospital supervisor today because I can talk directly to people about things, like an adult, and don’t feel the need to play a game of telephone. I feel like we got some issues cleared up and I have a better understanding of what’s expected of me, but i’m still SO incredibly peeved that he wouldn’t just communicate directly with me. This isn’t middle school; don’t tattle on me, just TALK to me.
Ugh, that sounds super frustrating. Good on you for talking to your hospital supervisor directly. I know that residual anger feeling though, and it’s the worst. I hope you are looking forward to a relaxing weekend with lots of wine (if that’s your jam).
Uuuugh I’m in a similar situation. Lots of supervisors/middle managers talking to the big boss without commenting directly to me, then telling me the big boss is upset. Ughh why can’t adults just communicate directly??? Definitely you are lucky with your nonprofit supervisor.
Happy Friday, my beloveds. I don’t know how I survived 31 years without the Cocktail Hour, but I am so, so glad I don’t have to anymore. You’re all aces.
This is my first totally-free, completely unscheduled weekend in months, and I’m celebrating with a two day staycation! I have some fall cleaning/purging to do, which I am actually quite excited about! I recently became friends with an avowed minimalist – as in, she hasn’t had fixed roots in several years, and is instead following her curiosity wherever it leads her on the globe! It’s inspired me to take a hard look at the things I’ve accumulated over the years, and I’ve realized a lot of it isn’t necessary. I still have the memories; the artifacts, with a few exceptions, aren’t quite as relevant or vibrant as those memories.
Maybe I’ll watch a flick or two as well. Throw me your favorite ladyqueer movies, won’t you? And why can’t Carol be out yet???
I’m also having the strongest urge to do some kind of crafty/decorating project, or something with my hands. Any ideas?*
*Bonus points if it will help a hapless soul get over a crush on a straight friend (who’s overjoyed at her new relationship…as she should be, of course. this is a bit of clusterf&*k of a situation I’ve gotten myself in.)
Mallory has an article in the Guardian! I haven’t even read it yet, but I saw it and got ridiculously excited.
Also, do not look at the comments, because I have never been so ready to fight people in my life.
I ignored your advice and it was a bad idea. We’ll have to fight those commenters together.
“Since when has Harry Potter become a classic?
Can you imagine Harry Potter being studied in English lit classes 50 or a 100 years from now? No.
In fact the only place it might be studied is a business class on how to market a paint by numbers kiddies book for hundreds of millions of dollars.”
lol x infinity
I don’t know if it has made it to the US, but a British comedian called Dave Gorman does a bit on his show called a “Found Poem” made up of outraged comments from online news sources.
http://preview.tinyurl.com/oorknd6
Its a nice antidote to just reading those comments, I find.
I just moved over a few weeks ago, and I am so proud at this moment of my assimilation level because as soon as the words Horse Meat appeared, I thought to myself, “I bet this is about the Iceland Scandal”.
I watched the Big Fat Quiz of the Naughties and then every year that also had Richard Ayoade and Noel Fielding as a team; I could basically ace my Life in the UK test!
[If these comments are not about the Iceland Scandal, please nobody correct me: I need some small victories.]
Yes, yes they are about the Iceland Scandal! (I’m from the US/Ireland and I get so excited when I “get” stuff about the UK)
Oh god, and so many who clearly didn’t read the article or texts at all, as they are all like “text speak isn’t even a thing anymore”. Yeah, none of the texts were in text-speak.
This is important.
Before I go to bed tonight, I want you all to know that I spoke to Barbara Howard (founder of the Women on 20’s movement) earlier and she told me that the Treasury is apparently super embarrassed that they launched a campaign to change the $10 right when ‘Hamilton’ became popular
They called it “that play in New York” and their PR department is reeling so badly that Secretary Lew has had to backtrack and say that “a woman will be on the currency” rather than “a woman will be on the ten” whenever people ask about it
She also said that they’ve been flooded with emails from Hamiltonians, fans of the musical, and Andrew Jackson’s actual descendants supporting Hamilton and condemning Jackson (his own family!! wild!!)
Anyway isn’t that just the best thing
#and y’know what they deserve it
#BUT SHHH YOU DIDN’T HEAR IT FROM ME ALRIGHT
#hamilton
http://littlerebellionthatcould.tumblr.com/post/1…
We can all agree that Jackson’s the worst!
I’ve wondered how they’ve reacted to the $10 Founder without a Father Phenomenon.
Okay, but does this make anyone else uncomfortable? Like they might reconsider putting a woman on the currency just because the man on that currency has suddenly become really popular because another man wrote a very popular but fictionalized play about him? What if they propose to put a woman on a different denomination of currency and they get a similar backlash– are they just going to keep backtracking?
I know we all love Hamilton here, but what we love is Hamilton: The Musical, not Hamilton: The Actual Person.
Hear, hear.
Then again, I was always more in favor of taking Jackson off the $20, so.
Yeah for real. How come no one seems to care how terrible Jackson was?? Why wasn’t the 20 the first choice for a change???
I think I remember reading somewhere that the reason it was ‘putting a woman on the $10’ is because in the cycle of revamping the currency, the $10 just happened to be the next one in line for a redesign. I agree, Jackson needs to be off the money (boo Jackson), but I guess like all government things, there’s a byzantine bureaucratic process involved.
I read this as them being embarrassed because they were planning on taking Hamilton off while leaving Jackson on, and suddenly EVERYONE knows that Hamilton established the national bank and Jackson is the douchenozzle who killed it.
Yeah, I think it would be a different situation entirely with any other founding father. After a successful popular media phenomenon, people still might be campaigning against this hypothetical founding father getting removed from currency, but there wouldn’t be the heavy layer of irony involved with the original campaign trying to remove the man who founded the national bank.
I think it’s about reconsidering which guy to replace with a woman. Like how about the guy who committed genocide, instead of the guy who advocated following treaties in settlement (but still assimilating Native Americans). Plus some other reasons, if any other are needed.
I’d like to share this short story, “Children Of Dagon” by Adrian Tchaikovsky, just because I like the opening. Also, I should learn the site’s markup:  ;http://www.lightspeedmagazine.com/fiction/children-of-dagon/
“The south of the city is ours. London Bridge has fallen down, and Waterloo has gone under. Borough, Lambeth, Fulham, these are our places, and east all the way to the sea. Your little island enclaves are almost all gone now. Chelsea and Westminster Hospital’s bleached bones are emptied of you. We starved you out of the Passport Office on Belgrave Road, and when we came in force to the Victoria Palace Theatre you left of your own accord, paddling frantically on rafts made of doors and tables. Even the Natural History Museum is ours, and we crawl up from the shallows to step into its vaulted fastnesses and stare at the collapsed wreckage of its model whale. We will take better care of its relics than you.”
I went on a date and we were talking about how I got to know some of my friends in our city (hi @[sic] the only username I remember) and I think I described The Toast as “…It’s a website… Where you make fun of books that you also love..?”
I also tried to describe The Toast while I was on a date this week! I said it was full of smart, feminist, often witchy, librarian and librarian-adjacent women, gently (and not so gently) mocking the things they love.
Then I tried to explain the combination of ‘kill all men, take to the sea, MISANDRY, male tears’ and the Toast’s Official Stance on Dads and Male Identified Partners that Aren’t Garbage and he laughed and was like ‘dude, I get it, misandry is not a thing and has never been a thing’.
(He may not have actually called me dude. The contrarian part of me may have also taken ‘misandry has never been a thing’ as a challenge jfc.)
MARRY HIM
I might be considering it a bit? I was really worried because I met him on tinder and I haven’t been on a date in my life but then I got there and he was hot and had a steady job but moonlights volunteering with a YOUTH CIRCUS where his specialty is AERIAL SILKS and his friend has roped him into standing as Treasurer of the ACT GREENS PARTY and he is a nerdy nerd, but like with SOCIAL SKILLS and cares about SOCIAL JUSTICE without being mansplainy and what was supposed to be just a drink turned into dinner and 3.5 hours of non-stop laughing later the place kicked us out and he wheeled his bike for 20 minutes so he could walk with me along our shared route home and then said what an amazing time he’d had and then messaged me with a joke the next morning and now we’re going to see Crimson Peak next week and WHAT THE HELL I WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO BE SEEING WHAT THIS WHOLE ‘DATING’ THING WAS AFTER A SHITTY 12 YEAR RELATIONSHIP I’M NOT READY TO FIND SOMEONE SO LOVELY FIRST TIME OUT.
*breathes*
Very exciting! Who knows what the future holds, but my husband is the third person I ever dated (via ok cupid back when it was marginally less terrible) as a fully fledged grownup, and he’s still pretty damn awesome, so, you know, these things happen. (we had a similarly epically long first date- squee!)
Videogame open thread! What are you playing this week?
I’ve been playing a tiny bit of Skyrim, mostly to sate my (insatiable) desire for Fallout 4 the week after next. Since I’ve long been tired of actually PLAYING Skyrim, I’ve been beefing up the game with a fancy ENB and tons of ridiculously specific FPS-killing mods (2K HD Parallax-Enabled Tree Bark, yo!). Here are some of the fruits of my labor with the flycam:
I’m a little scared of what Fallout is going to do for my drawing habits I’m trying to build (where I’m spending all my free time currently).
I might also check out that Star Wars Battlefront game? I like the Battlefield series but generally don’t like games that are from movie / tv properties (except the original X-Wing and Tie Fighter games, those were awesome).
Holy CRAP those mods look amazing. I have been feeling the vague stirrings of a Skyrim playthrough coming on. It’s almost winter. It’s time.
Thankee! :3 Yeah, about this time every year I start hearing those drums from the start up screen in the back of my brain…
*googly eyes at the prettiness*
I have also been playing Skyrim, as my Nordic shieldmaiden Roswitha. She and Vorstag have been clearing Foresworn out of the Reach and are currently laden down with loot. I need to sell some of my swag, and the nearest city is Solitude, but I’m wary of going there due to my Stormcloak affiliation. What’s a poor revolutionary to do?
Clearly it’s time to go undercover!
I’m not sure how long my new character will last (the dark elf lady in the first shot), given approaching apocalypse times (and Fallout 4 too! *rimshot!*). But if she lasts, she’ll be specializing in Illusion with lots of Destruction. Illusion is great – you can basically make everyone kill each other, without being seen once. I figure she’s a wandering hedge mage and scholar, tracking down forbidden magicks and making her way back to Solstheim (I *finally* need to do Dragonborn one of these days…).
Nice! I have a Dunmer character named Llaalsa whom I want to make a mage/assassin, since that’s a playstyle I haven’t really explored. I’m struggling to move beyond the Destruction domain in magic – it’s just so much more straightforward to throw fire at people, yanno?
You should definitely do Dragonborn! Especially if you’re a fan of Lovecraftian style horror/fantasy, since that was very clearly the inspiration for Hermaeus Mora’s domain/followers. I’m currently doing it as my Khajiit character, and I look forward to visiting as my Dunmer.
I have been playing Dragon Age Origins! I think I have finally accepted that if I’m ever going to finish it, I need to quit going on every side quest that’s offered, especially since I bought the deluxe edition and it has a bazillion sidequests.
I got to play a demo of Baldur’s Gate: Siege of Dragonspear last weekend. It looks like it’s going to be very cool, but I’ve never played the other Baldur’s Gate games or D&D, so it’s not likely to land very high on my personal “to play” list. But the similarities between the interface for it & DAO are what made me start playing that again, so I do very much appreciate the push.
Sweet! Both to Origins and Dragonspear! Yeah, Origins can get rather looooong if you do everything. Do stuff that sounds interesting, character quests especially, and ignore the rest. There’s too. much. stuff, particularly in the Ultimate edition with all the DLC…
Your comment also reminds me that I really need to finishing Baldur’s Gate 2 one of these days. But again, it’s so frikkin long! *Fake Geek Giiiiiiirl*
Ultimate Edition, that’s the thing I have!
I also ran into a bug at one point where DAO stopped saving my game, but didn’t give an error. And I had several instances of thinking “didn’t I do this? I must have forgotten to save” before I actually figured it out. And then the only way I could find to fix it was to move my save files and start the game over, so the end result was to make the game seem even longer. At this point it just feels like the longest game ever. My save file says I’ve played 50 hours already (which I assume doesn’t include the abandoned game), and the other thing says I’ve played 18% of the game. I really hope that’s 18% of everything including all the DLC, and that skipping side quests will speed up the rest of it substantially.
I am playing Splatoon. Still. But I also picked up Yoshi’s Woolly World at the recommendation of some toasties and have been enjoying that as well. It’s so cute! And I may finally learn crochet so I can make a Yoshi (who am I kidding I’ll probably just buy one of the amiibos).
Used to be a bunch of stuff here that was my comment above phrased in a slightly different way. It turns out my computer at my new workplace is weird about displaying intensedebate comments.
I have somehow stopped being so fucking terrible at Ori and the Blind Forest! Or maybe I’ve just developed some patience, as I can now die repeatedly in the same place for an hour without throwing the controller. That game is SO HARD, y’all.
I also finished Life is Strange last week and it was…fine. I have mixed feelings.
Inquisition continues apace. Bought the various in-game DLCs that are out now, but haven’t happened upon them yet. Am about to go meet the mages in Redcliffe, since I accidentally messed around too long and hit level 10 when I know full well that quest is meant for levels 4-7.
That’s Morthal the dragon is ’bout to burninate, isn’t it? Most useless collection of huts in the land. No-smith-or-general-store-having abomination. Just let the big fella burn it down.
Yeah, it’s that shithole of a town. I ran in, took a few flycam selfies, and then ran out to let nature take its course.
Awww, but it’s one of the only towns with a female Jarl! I’ve always had a soft spot for it because of that.
mystical visions don’t buy my heavy loot *folds arms*
I played through Tales of the Borderlands and it was so great! Thanks for the recommendation.
Oh hooray! 😀 I’m so happy you enjoyed it!
So, Toastrons, I’m planning a wedding and at first I was all side-eyed about it but now I have just become ridiculously excited and very Into It. And I’ve just decided to be not sorry! Now THAT’S choice politics. Or something.
It does make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to be marrying a dudely-dude who has said/done the following wonderful things recently:
1. Gotten into a joyous mutually self-congratulatory conversation with me about how I am not changing my name so engrossing and so long that we went 8 stops in the wrong direction on the train.
2. Said to my mom, who was outraged about when at work some man sneered “then we need a space for white men” when my mom advocated creating a safe space for women. “but the whole WORLD is a safe space for white men! What an idiot.”. My feminist mom was quite melty.
3. Is quite into the idea of creating a hybrid last name for our eventual children.
4. This morning said as part of some joke “God in his wisdom” and then quickly said “or her wisdom”.
Ugh barf looooove.
approved
dawwwwwww!
I love hybrid names and I love that when I jokingly said to my fiance “we are legally changing it to [hybrid], right?” he took me seriously and was like “Oh, yeah, if you want.” If there were kids in the picture it would have to be a real conversation, but I enjoy it as an informal last name that requires no paperwork to use.
On changing married names, I listened to this – http://storycollider.org/podcast/2013-02-10 – where biologist Kelly Smith was not rushing to give her maiden name, but did have an urge to take on an unusual name to rise out of the the vast sea of Smiths, and have her research noticed more easily, though her boyfriend (maker of the Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal webcomic) has the name “Weiner”.
She says she checked how distinctive it was “if I was going to take that hit”, but there’s lots of Weiners in science, so they became the Weinersmiths and have been childishly amused by it ever since.
That does indeed sound like a hilarious euphemism.
“He’s quite the weinersmith, if you know what I mean.”
Since Christianity has been a topic of conversation today and it’s the day before Halloween, here’s some info on the Devil’s Bible for anyone not yet familiar it: http://www.ancient-origins.net/myths-legends-euro…
Cool story and totally on theme!
If anyone can share stories about breaking up with people for seemingly small reasons (“something’s not there,” etc) even when the partner has so many obvious, straight-forward good qualities, I’d love to hear them. I’m feeling very doubtful and uncertain if I did the right thing.
I’m definitely plagiarizing from unremembered source, but wanting to leave is sufficient. There will be no audit. Plus, everyone has SOME good qualities. If you didn’t feel it, you didn’t feel it, and if you didn’t know it with your conscious brain, maybe you knew it with your subconscious brain.
From Dear Sugar! <3
Not to the degree of break-ups, but with the last few people I’ve gone out with (like a handful of dates each) I’ve let things fizzle out because though each one was great on paper I felt ambivalent and not quite interested enough to pursue it further. I’d say if you lean more towards the “meh” in your feelings towards someone then they probably are not your One True Love (right?) so why not cut your losses and see what else is out there.
That being said, this is the first time in my life I’ve really dated around and I feel like I can’t trust myself to know whether I’m romantically attracted to someone or not. You think you’d just know that, but since it’s someone brand new rather than slowly realizing you’re into your friend (which is how it’s been in the past), how long before you know whether you like them or not?
Thanks for the advice!
Dating around is hard, so I feel you on the “handful of dates” phenomenon. I think figuring out romantic attraction to new people, as opposed to friends, takes at least the first three dates.
As Dear Sugar of the Rumpus said, wanting to leave is enough. Hugs if you want them.
Thank you.
Ahhh, a boyfriend of mine was this. He was smart and ambitious and worshipped me, cute and funny and shared a decent amount of my interests. But the spark wasn’t there. I didn’t get excited talking about him. I didn’t enjoy hearing from him. I realized that I was never going to get over that and get that sparkling feeling with him even though it worked on paper.
I broke up with him, it hurt, I felt bad for a while. But it was 100% the right decision. Wanting to leave is enough. You will be fine. Love is not a matter of chalking up good qualities and weighing them against bad. It’s fine.
Echoing the other Dear Sugar comments in this thread: http://therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpu…
Thanks for sharing this!
A million people are good on paper.
Good for them.
What that does not necessarily make them?
Good for you.
Don’t stick with them because you don’t have a compelling reason to break up. Stick with them because you are compelled to stay together.
I dated a really great guy for a couple months a few years back. I mean he was successful, handsome, funny – all the things on my bucket list. But the passion just wasn’t there… we made out all over the place and had 36-hour dates and were very emotionally close, but we both started realizing around the same time that something was missing. He ended up being the one to break it off, and sometimes I still feel sad because he WAS a great guy, and will be the PERFECT guy for a very lucky woman someday… but ultimately I think we’d all rather not have doubts about the person we’re dating.
I do regret that I met him at a time where I hated my job because it was full of terrible people and BARELY paid the rent (forget about food) and I wish I could meet him today, because maybe things would be different. But love is about compatibility and TIMING and we weren’t “turtles all the way down” on either of those marks.
Yes, this is exactly it. My ex really was a very nice guy, and some woman will be lucky to be with him someday, but that woman is not me. I’m grateful every day I’m not still with him.
Lo these many years ago I dated someone for a year because they were very nice and ambitious, but duller than a sack of potatoes. I think if you are dating someone and something seems off for a while, it’s smart to end it. Those good qualities are reasons to start something and see if it works, but aren’t always enough to stay with it.
My sister just broke up with her boyfriend of three years because enh. So far it’s been marvelous – she’s fine, he’s fine, she has some space to work on some stuff for herself, the biggest awkwardness is that they had a couple’s costume for Halloween and now they need to pick new ones.
I dressed up for Halloween and everyone thought I was just wearing my regular clothing with a jaunty hat.
I win hard at life but fail at Halloween.
I am in that exact situation at work right now. Sigh. At least my hat is SUPER jaunty.
Today i am wearing a shirt with colors on it, and everyone thought I was in a costume.
Same, but I am dressed as the Log Lady from Twin Peaks….
Same, which is weird because twitter thought it was a fine rendition. At least it wasn’t a repeat of last year’s Margot Tenenbaum/”Goth Barbie” incident.
Late to the party, but I am in serious need of some ass-kicking, motivational music to get me to a major deadline on Monday. What do you listen to when you need to put your nose to the grindstone and really don’t want to?
Anamanaguchi and Dragonette!!
Nicki Minaj. Dance music. Rap.
I can’t access my Spotify at work, but I think I still have my “WRITE UR THESIS, GIRL” playlist saved. It was a lot of lady-pop: “Work Bitch” by Britney and “Salute” by Little Mix showed up.
Also, these two 8Tracks: http://8tracks.com/gingerslam/don-t-wait-up http://8tracks.com/sashayed/get-it-girl
Thanks–That is my life right now…if I have to revise this chapter one more time I will set it alight.
I find the score to Terminator 2 weirdly motivating. Makes me feel like I’m being chased. So it’s not a restful motivation, but I get stuff done!
The theme to Rocky, Eye of the Tiger, Back in Black, and other associated 80’s rock.
Many thanks for all these excellent suggestions. Boldly forth!
MAD MAX SOUNDTRACK.
MIA, Santigold, Janelle Monae, and Lindsey Sterling all help me to get my butt in gear! If you like very loud music, Nico Vega is also a good bet.
A good song to start with is Bullpen by Dessa, especially if you’re in a field with a gender imbalance.
Leslie Knope’s campaign song from Parks & Rec is very inspiring! Also seconding the suggestion of the Mad Max soundtrack.
Cats? Cats.
I have exceptionally high standards for cat photos, and this is an excellent cat photo. Maybe I should start a tumblr – critiquemycatphoto. But the furry tummy, the perspective on the tiny, contrasty nose, the curled paws…. A+
sunny day, strange-shaped cat
Bed, books, and fleece TARDIS: Calliope is winning this week.
And she knows it.
This is an excellent cat
This is not a picture of a cat. However, for those of you who remember Moxie’s moose drama from last winter before we moved:
YOU GUYS SHE FOUND US
I just gasped in joy.
MOOSE + MOXIE = TRU LUV 4EVA
*dances around office high-fiving the air*
*throws confetti, blows on kazoo*
Hurray for Moxie and Moose and True Love!
*plays Romeo&Juliet Suite*
I was away and offline most of the weekend but I am SO GLAD I finally got round to reading the open thread!
ME TOOOOO!!! my heart has grown three sizes today <3
Musichetta waited all day yesterday for us to come home and celebrate her and/or National Cat Day (but mostly her):
Of course, when we did not arrive promptly (as we were having an enjoyable dinner out), she took the celebration into her own paws–or teeth, as it were:
yay cats. here is charlie wearing the pumpkin shirt my mom bought her. she was not impressed.
I love this picture! She looks very unimpressed, indeed.
Cat. Face.
Toast friends! I haven’t commented in ages because all my mobile devices hated the site, but now I can ask for SHOE SHOPPING HELP.
Basically I need to replace my flat mid-calf boots. It’s tricky. I can do a riding style but I already have knee-high riding boots, and what I want is something a little more funky-styled. I found my ideal boots…but only in ankle boots. Has anyone seen anything like these boots but taller??
Not sure what your budget is, but are these: https://www.fluevog.com/shop/4486-kanawa-burgundy…
maybe what you’re looking for?
Thanks! Sadly all the Fluevogs I looked at had heels higher than I want for toddler wrangling.
Hmm…have a look at Blowfish boots. They have some similarly ruched-buttoned styles that are knee-high and mid-calf. I used to own a pair, and they were very comfortable. However, mine weren’t real leather, and I’m not sure that any of their boots are.
I’ll look at them! I don’t mind buying more disposable boots, for lack of a better word, as long as I can find a good price.
These Merrells are pretty cute, but don’t come in red. These Miz Mooz do! Finding a taller boot with those folds is gonna be tricky, though.
Oh those are cute, thanks! I actually need black, much as I long for red.
Try Fly London! They have styles similar to those.
TOASTS I AM HAVING A GROWN-UP SITUATION.
I was sick last week for nearly four days, and while I wasn’t in the office a *lot* of my work either got handled under great effort by my coworkers or dropped completely for me to pick it up at the last minute. So this week, I’ve spent literally the whole week coming back to a lot of people I’ve caused a lot of last-minute frenzy and panic, desperately attempting to put it all back together. It’s mostly working, but it got to the point on Wednesday that my boss – who’s currently on vacation – sent me an email from her phone that basically said, “hey why don’t we meet up once a week to make sure you’re doing alright”.
Now, I’ve already taken steps to better organize how I manage my job, and I am CERTAIN that most of this trouble came from the fact that I was sick, but here’s the thing. My first post-college job was such an absolute nightmare, I am abjectly terrified of either A) causing other people trouble, or B) having to talk to my supervisor about literally anything. I don’t actually think this will endanger my job, but I sort of don’t know what do do with myself.
This is essentially a long way to say, how do you recover after you Seriously Screw Up? I’m doing my best to acknowledge that this stuff shouldn’t have happened and prevent it from happening again, but I’m still worried in the back of my head that this is somehow the Beginning of the End, and I managed to ruin my shot at having this great job in Portland less than six months in.
Popping in because I also have these concerns, although I can’t even blame my screwups on illness lately. I had a big meltdown at my therapist’s office last week and she insisted to me that even though nobody likes to talk about it, LOTS of people have trouble keeping their shit together at work. I guess it makes me feel better to think I’m not the only one who lives in an ongoing state of chaos and panic, but I don’t want to be one of those people anymore!
Have you been able to identify specific things that went wrong and put in place new systems to avoid those failures in the future? If you have at least one, email back to your boss with “this is what I’ve already identified as a gap and solutions implemented” before you leave today.
if you haven’t done that yet, figure out AT LEAST ONE (or one more) before your meeting, and lead with that. Identify other modes of failure and brainstorm solutions. Bring some of those to your meeting. Anything else fall apart that you can’t figure out WHY it failed? Ask for help. At end of meeting, recap with fixes in place, action items to implement and timeline for implementation.
As you get each item implemented, give your boss a casual update as a drive-by her desk if you think that will work, or in an email if the tone of the meeting seems to warrant it. After you get all the fixes implemented and things running smoothly for several weeks, ask the boss to move the meetings to biweekly, then monthly as you continue to be awesome.
A monthly (or even biweekly) dedicated meeting with the boss can be a good thing – gives you an opportunity to blow your horn and share your successes, you just have to take the lead on doing that. Good luck!
WOW. I’m in a really similar situation – I just did my first Serious Screw Up at the job I’ve had for about eight months. I immediately panicked and felt horrible (and still kind of do), and my boss very kindly explained why it was a mistake and helped me understand how to avoid it in the future. The thing is, at my last job, I worked closely with the CEO who was micromanagey and cruel. Everyone was scared of him, including me. And when something went wrong, our immediate reaction was to panic, drop everything else, and throw money at the problem, because he’d be shouting and throwing a tantrum until it went away. We never took time to diagnose the issue – we weren’t able to. So when I did my SSU at this job, I lapsed right back into this bad habit and started making all these panic-stricken decisions without understanding the root cause of the mistake.
All that to say, it sounds like your last job was pretty bad, and it’s totally understandable that you’d feel this terror about rocking the boat. But maybe it would help to think about some habits or self-defense mechanisms that you learned at that old job, and consciously let go of them? You might feel better equipped to handle whatever comes up at this new place (which sounds awesome, and I”m so happy for you!)
Do you know how your coworkers’ work is handled when they get sick?
Everyone gets sick, and (most people) take vacation, and their work does not get done at those times. I can be intensely hard on myself, so this is super hypocritical to say, but … it seems like you’re being too hard on yourself!
Okay, so, I don’t know if I’m doing this stuff right, or even if there is a right, but I have gotten through some major screw-ups by accepting and acknowledging them. Like, “yes, you’re right, that was totally my mistake and I apologize! Here’s how I want to fix it.” And yeah, it’s still scary as hell and I feel really bad about the mistake, but people seem to react well to my efforts to be upfront and honest about what happened. I think it also goes a long way towards establishing trust if you demonstrate willingness to acknowledge mistakes, so next time when you’re like “no that wasn’t my fault, it was this other thing!” it doesn’t just sound like excuses.
Also, I think there’s nothing wrong with apologizing if you messed up, but I also think it’s best not to dwell on the emotional aspect of it, at least not outwardly to the people who are involved. I’ll go home and have a sobfest about how stupid my mistake was, but to my coworker (or whomever), it’s just “gosh, sorry about that, I sort of blew it on that one – okay, next step.” It helps me get past it faster because the people around me aren’t dwelling on it, and it becomes less of a big deal to them because I’m not dwelling on it.
Everyone makes mistakes. The coworkers I want are the ones who respond well to their own mistakes. Coworkers like you.
Honestly…I get kind of pissed off if I have to be off work unexpectedly and everything’s a disaster when I get back. I understand that it’s my responsibility to make sure my stuff is handled in such a way that other people can step in, but it’s also the company’s responsibility to have systems & backups in place in case one of their employees is, you know, a human being who might have unpredictable things happen and have to take time off. That said, I think that the other commenters here are spot-on: identify specifically what went wrong, and what concrete actions you can take to keep them from going wrong again, and what concrete actions others at the company can also take to keep them from going wrong again. (I find this actually makes me feel a lot better, along with being reassuring to my boss – instead of a giant brain hurricane of “everything is terrible oh god what have I done,” it’s some sort of much more orderly disaster metaphor, where I look at the actual list of things I did wrong & realize it’s not as all-encompassing as it felt at first).
I’ve read this twice, and it sounds like you were sick, not that you screwed up. When a person is sick and has to miss work, it’s on the workplace to have things organized so that missing one person doesn’t result in a standstill. I didn’t quite get this until I worked at a job where everything was organized on a public server, and my co-workers and I could jump on & off jobs interchangeably, so it was never an issue if one specific person wasn’t in. And that’s not the only way it can work, but there is a distinct approach that promotes agility and overlap to prevent from people feeling like they HAVE to be in the office or that everything depends on one person, because it shouldn’t. This is a management approach, and my opinion is, when people are overworked or made to feel crappy for having missed due to illness, it’s a management problem or a company culture problem.
So, that aside, I totally get having workplace ptsd and not wanting to talk to your boss, but here’s what I would do [theoretically, since I’m not in your shoes, and this is kind of an easy decision for an outsider to make]. You go in when your boss gets back and set up a time to talk. You lay out the situation, that you know you had a, b & c to do, and unfortunately you were out sick, and things fell behind. But the idea that nothing gets done when a person is sick, or that you would have to overwork to compensate in a short time for your own illness doesn’t seem like a realistic solution. Tell her that you’d like to collaborate on ways that work can be shared or publicly accessible so that people with similar skill sets can cover for each other. When a workplace supports this approach it’s so much less pressure on an individual, and so much more productive.
Okay, getting sick is not a screw up. My co-worker was in an accident earlier this year and was out of the office for two months recuperating. We were glad when she came back, because covering her work was challenging, but nobody was mad at her for needing to heal her body.
If your supervisor wants to meet with you once a week, that’s awesome! Look at it like you have a mentor now. Think of things you want to learn from this person and go into every meeting like it’s an opportunity to learn and grow into the confident professional badass you are destined to become.
Your boss’s email is almost certainly just as much about her realizing “wow, I didn’t have a good idea of everything Eris was working on! This is something that I, as a manager, need to do better.”
Talking to one’s supervisor is a thing one has to do, for sure. But the onus SHOULDN’T always be on you to walk into her office (or send her an email or whatever). The fact that she’s initiating a weekly check-in with you means that she recognizes that.
Being sick is not a screwup! If anything, this was a sign to your boss that you — collectively — need to upgrade your systems so that everything doesn’t explode when someone is ill, which happens all the time!
I know this is a hard shift to make, but think about being more proactive when talking with your manager. It’s not like she’s a teacher who’s grading your assignments; part of her job is making sure that you have all the tools and skills you need to do yours well. And if she doesn’t help you do your job better, she will look bad to HER manager.
A good manager would much rather hear “I’m overwhelmed with this backlog of work, can you help me reprioritize a few things?” than “I’ve been secretly overwhelmed for weeks and work has been piling up and I haven’t said anything because I’m scared of you, here’s all the stuff that hasn’t gotten done.” I might fire that second person but I would definitely not fire the first.
Good luck!
bb keep us updated?
Oh, bless you. I absolutely will. c:
I assume you are not in a high level or supervisory position yourself?
If not: when you’re out sick it’s your boss’s job to make sure your work gets done. Period.
Do not make apologies to ANYONE for work not getting done because you were out sick.
When you meet with your boss, simply bring them up to date on open items and discuss with them how remaining work from your time out sick will be handled.
Please do read Nice Girls Don’t Get The Corner Office. Honest talk about avoiding crap emotional labor at work a decade before the phrase was coined.
Who wants to complain about being a woman at work today? Here are some small things that are bugging me.
1. I got an email addressed to Mrs. Lastname despite being unmarried. This email was from a woman, who you think would be aware that sometimes women aren’t married.
2. We design and build widgets, and the widget assembly department is all women. Dudes in widget engineering (my department) often refer to the people in the widget assembly department as “the girls”, as in “give those boxes to the girls”. Everyone in that department is a fully grown adult woman, with the average age probably being around 40 or 50. Every time I hear “girls” it just sets my teeth on edge.
3. I’m so tired of being the only woman in my 14 person department. We hired a new person a few months ago and they picked another dude instead of the lady I was rooting for, and to make matters worse I don’t really like this new guy.
I was seething at work yesterday – for the 5 minutes a salesman was in my office, he casually seated himself witheout invite after handing me the objects I had on the chair, rearranged objects on my desk and MANSPLAINED the order I had our business cards displayed in and changed them around!
I could not get rid of him fast enough.
UGH I always want to be like “girls? I don’t see any girls around here. Did you mean the women in this department? I believe they’re all over 18, which is why I’m confused, you see” but it never occurs to me in the moment. (Also when I was working in an all-female department that was also the least senior department in the firm, I was too nervous to actually make a stink, and now that I’m a Toast-hardened misandrist with a quickly deteriorating brain-to-mouth filter, the issue never comes up)
An IT guy tried to convince me that my Windows phone runs on Android. Yeah, no.
I used to work in an all-woman department. Every time someone would refer to us as “girls,” I would smile and say (as gently as I could), “I think you meant ‘adult women.’ It’s okay, you’ll get it next time!” That worked just fine.
“It’s okay, you’ll get it next time!”
Perfection. Adding this to my repertoire. Thank you.
Joining in to support you in telling off the people calling you “girls!” I had a coworker who was calling women (including OUR BOARD MEMBERS) “girl” and I told him to stop and he did! He then moved on to “gal” which I figured was slightly better, but he was here for two years and eventually my overuse of “lady” or “woman” wore off on him. All the luck to you!
Depends on geography/culture. In US Southern culture, “gal” is deeply condescending. It’s what my racist family calls horses and African-American women. White women get “girl”, never never “gal”.
‘Girls’ is one of my biggest pet peeves. I always call people out on it. Now I need to figure out how to stop referring to mixed groups as “you guys.” I think “folks’ sometimes works, but I’m not committed to it yet. Any suggestions?
Literally why I started saying “y’all.”
I hate it when emails sent to the generic library email address, rather than a specific person, begin “Dear Sirs”. Half of us are women. (Mentioned this to a coworker and he said that he would always address emails to unknown respondents that way “because that’s what I was taught in the 1970s”. Grr.)
Also, one of our library users, who was perhaps in his 60s or 70s, kept putting his hands on my shoulders when thanking me for helping him, and while I know he was just tying to be friendly, it made me really uncomfortable.
I hope he’s not still doing all the things he was taught to do in the 1970s.
After months of applying to jobs with no luck, there’s finally a prospective job on the horizon that would be amazing. It’s not mine yet but there’s a good chance I’ll get it. Suddenly I’m overwhelmed with self-doubt. It’s an editorial position and it requires a lot of independence and self-direction, and though I’m great at taking orders I worry I won’t be able to generate good pitches and ideas all the time. I can’t help thinking, what if I’m just not qualified or talented enough?
How do you get over the fear of failure before starting a new job?
First, dress like Cookie. http://www.cosmopolitan.com/entertainment/tv/a480…
Second, if they hired you, you’re qualified. Full stop.
No idea, cause I’m in the same boat. Waiting to hear back from the prospective job is the worst part, I wish they would just let me know what they are thinking.
Here is a dog nose, for your viewing pleasure:
That is a great dog nose.
Here are some shelter pups showing off their mismatched ears.
Such great personalities there!
I don’t think I really appreciated the rich tapestry of dog personalities until I started interacting with multiple new dogs every week. They are a hilarious bunch.
Bonus personality-filled shots from Mars, whose main goal in life appears to be getting belly rubs, and Mignon, who has a hilarious amount of puppy energy (tragically I didn’t get any good pictures/videos of her trying to catch tennis balls, which is where great enthusiasm and poor coordination perfectly intersected).
AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
One ear up is my favorite kind of dog.
Awww, those are some great pups and some great ears. May they all find homes that appreciate their magnificence.
Did you grow up playing Zoombinis, and do you miss it everyday? Someone redeveloped it and it’s on Steam and for $8 you could be playing it now!!!
God bless you for this! I played Zoombinis wayyyy into my teens, and some of the upper level games are just BEYOND. The one where you have to arrange the Fleens on the branch by deducing which of their features corresponds to the Zoombinis’ features? BRUTAL
OH MY GOD, yes! My boyfriend and I were visiting his parents last weekend and his dad was casually like “oh hey, that Zoombinis game you and your sister used to play is available for the iPad now” and then we played Zoombinis for like two hours and it was great.
I downloaded Zoombinis on my ipad and I am so happy about it.
THE ORIGINAL DEVELOPERS REDEVELOPED IT. I supported the Kickstarter and have had the iPad version since August 🙂
Question for you– did they use the original audio tracks? I loved the voice acting and music so much in the original…
Yes! Or very close to the original. It sounds GREAT. And they updated the art to take advantage of what new systems can do. More info on their Kickstarter page.
It’s out?? Oh my god now I can make my boyfriend play it, and he’ll finally understand why I say things like “Ohh, sit wherever you want, I don’t really…. care” and “hip! hip! ZOOMBINI!”
Ah, what a great game.
“Diiiiiis GUSTING”
“Some of these toppings I do not like”
*SCREAMING*
I’m really excited to read the whole open thread but tbh i’m more excited to play Zoombinis.
Ugh, I have a ridiculously obnoxious and cringe-worthy question.
Has anyone here ever “quit sugar”? (That phrase is absolutely the Worst).
I’ve realized for a while that my sweet tooth is out of control, but I’m trying to lose some weight and I’ve been tracking what I eat…holy hell, I eat A LOT OF SUGAR. Like, multiple donuts a week from the amazing donut shop next door to my office. I’m definitely an emotional eater, and can find infinite reasons to “treat” myself to sweets. However, I’m starting to realize it’s going to take more than just willpower to curb my sugar intake. Does anyone have helpful resources or advice for slowly weaning myself?
I’ve been ‘watching’ my sugar intake since the summer. (helpful nutrition conscious boyfriend is helpful)… And I would say that reducing sugar is as hard as quitting smoking. Maybe harder.
So. It’s hard, is what I’m saying (and I haven’t ‘quit’ sugar, but I’m actively trying to be aware of how much I’m consuming, and reduce my sugar intake). So because it’s hard, be gentle with yourself and generous with the gold stars for effort.
We watched That Sugar Film http://thatsugarfilm.com/ this summer, which was pretty damn motivating. And I started reading the little nutrition boxes on my food more carefully.
So I’m choosier about what sugar I’m consuming – 6 mini donuts? Yes please. 33 grams of sugar in a small glass of lemonade? No. 60+ grams of sugar in a pumpkin spice latte? Nope.
I also look for higher fat foods to substitute for where I might have had sugar. Eggs and cheese and butter and mayo on toast for breakfast. Full fat yogurt without sugar rather than low fat fruit yogurt.
Good luck!!!
Planned, scheduled sweets. Begin by ranking sweets. I decided I could decline all other sweets if I could promise myself weekly high-quality dark chocolate or high-quality ice cream. Good luck.
Before I abandoned Christianity for atheism, there were several years where I “gave up junk food” for Lent, and my definition of junk food included anything heavily sweetened or deep fried, so that was kind of like quitting sugar. But my tools were having a limited time period for giving stuff up, and feeling like I would be letting down God if I wavered. The second one is obviously not helpful here, but I think possibly the first one might be?
A lot of people seem to find the Whole 30 thing helpful, so I’ve been contemplating a half-assed version of it where I don’t restrict my diet nearly as much as the Whole 30 people recommend but do have a deadline for when I will end the restrictions, because giving up “junk food” for a limited time did make me feel better and did lead to slightly healthier eating for a fair while after I finished, and if I could recapture the benefits of it that would be nice.
So I guess my advice is to maybe try “quitting sugar” for a fairly short set period of time, and then give yourself a while to get used to being “allowed” it again, and then see where you are with it after that.
Also, I don’t know that this is something you were considering, but maybe don’t quit any more than you have to? There are lots of things with smallish amounts of added sugar, and some of the anti-sugar people on the internet claim that you must completely quit all of them, but I kind of doubt that the amount of sugar in the ketchup on a burger is seriously going to cause anyone harm.
A few years back some medical wonkiness led me to quit sugar cold turkey, which I found eliminated any cravings within a week. They were just gone. And last month I ate an unprocessed vegan diet for a week as an experiment (vegan + no food w/more than 3 ingredients) and the same thing happened! I actually cheated when I found 4 ingredient vegan chocolate chips, but they tasted obnoxiously sweet and I didn’t like them! So there’s something to be said for a clean break, or maybe stepping down with dates and raisins.
I quit refined sugar cold turkey, too, and haven’t looked back. Every once in a while (maybe three or four times a year), I eat something like one of these and it’s amazing and I enjoy it and I’m not tempted to buy (and eat) more right away. I know I have issues with sugar (psychological and also physical/inflammatory), so cutting it pretty much completely was by far the best choice for me.
I had to quit entirely too. The rules were: no added sugar, no dried fruit, no fruit juice. I could have a couple servings per day of fresh, whole fruit; and that was it.
It was HELL ON EARTH for a few days. And then….I was fine? I can eat sweets in much better moderation now.
Working on it right now – I’ve made an adjustment by allowing myself some allowances (alcoholic drinks occasionally, some soda occasionally, ice cream for dessert like once a week), and by changing to fruit sugars for some stuff (but only in solid form, like actual oranges and apples, etc.), and drinking bubbly water (I have a SodaStream) because the bubbles make the water somehow taste sweeter to me.
Yes! I’ve now done it three times, in time spans ranging from a month to a year. For me, none is a million times easier than some. I highly recommend it.
I bury this on purpose: had a big realization in counseling this week when my counselor asked me how much my dad drank–and when I said every day, and I didn’t know if that was normal, she gently said that it was not normal and most kids growing up did not see their father drunk every night.
So, because I can only process things by reading, can anyone recommend me books about growing up in an alcoholic household that wasn’t abusive but probably not healthy?
I don’t have any reading recommendations; but oh yeah, this is a big one. Been there. Realized that.
Big hugs.
I did a quick google on YA books about alcoholism, and got some returns. http://www.drinkingdiaries.com/2010/07/26/books-f…
From this list I’ve read
– The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie
– Because of Winn Dixie by Kate DiCamillo
and I hear A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith lauded all the time.
Good luck.
Probably from me! ATGIB is my favourite novel of all time (well, tied for first) and I reread it all the time. But I think it’s time for a reread. Thank you!
Oh sorry I had to cut that short to run to a meeting, but I cut it too short. Anyway, I was just going to say that based on the strength of the 2.5 recommendations that I’m familiar with, probably any of the others would be worth a go, if they appeal to you. The Glass Castle: A Memoir by Jeannette Walls is about a “dreamer” type of alcoholic, if that suits your interests.
[[big internet hugs]]
I want to rec Mary Karr, but with the caveat that I haven’t read her memoir specifically about alcohol, and The Liars Club does deal with some things that would fall under abusive. She’s a fantastic writer but might not be what you need, so some research first is probably a good idea.
I also recently read a novel called Shifting Through Neutral, about a dad/daughter relationship where the dad is often laid up with headaches and the effects of too many pills – he is otherwise a very loving and competent parent and we see him via a devoted daughter who’s not quite old enough to identify addiction. Lots of dad feels.
Claudia Black wrote THE book (well, a lot of books, but THE one especially) on growing up with an alcoholic parent – https://www.claudiablack.com/ and http://www.amazon.com/Will-Never-Happen-Children-…
UnDrunk was a very interesting look into an alcoholic’s brain. Are you on twitter? I don’t want to link my handle here but I’ll find you or we’ll figure something out if you’d like to talk.
I am on Twitter, or you can email me at s d q s d q at gmail!
I feel like I can relate to this a bit. My dad was a functional alcoholic. Not an angry drunk, not a mean drunk, not a make-scary-decisions drunk. Just the kind of benign drunk that falls asleep on the couch by 7pm every night.
I remember the majority of my childhood as pretty awesome, divorced parents and [big dark caveat] included, but I’ve noticed recently that it’s really hard to talk about my childhood without qualifying everything with ‘but not like, a bad drunk’. Growing up in a small country town, where everyone went camping and had weekend long parties and worked on the ‘it takes a village’ approach to the kids was a lot of fun, but I feel like there might be some darker things under the surface I haven’t quite teased out yet.
I don’t have any book recommendations, but I’ll be keeping an eye on what comes up in this thread.
Yeah, it’s very difficult, because every time I say “alcoholic” I need to quantify it with “not, like, angry, or mean, or abusive, or anything like that.” So it feels not real, in a sense, or like I have nothing to complain about, but….there IS something to complain about when your parent is falling asleep drunk at 8 or 9pm, or to this day feeling like I can’t bother calling home after about 7 or 8pm local time because there’s no point in talking to my dad after that, you know? I have a lot of feelings that I need to work on about this and haven’t really scratched the surface yet.
After stressing about thesis writing/grad school all week (aka since last year), I had an incredible meeting with my advisor today. Basically she told me I can do it, I should aim high because I am worth it, and that she will be there to help every step of the way. I feel so lucky to have such a supportive professor, especially a female one, when I feel like my future is a twisty path that I can’t see. She is helping me to see it.
I also love that my independent study with her is on the history of women in Christianity from the early church through the middle ages in preparation for writing my thesis on the relationship between the witch hunts in Europe and Christianity’s understanding of women, women’s bodies, and the nature of power. I am just so pumped about every reading and every discussion!
Your thesis sounds AWESOME.
So I went to see Crimson Peak last weekend with my Grandma. I thought she might like it since someone called it Jane Eyre with ghosts and she loves Jane Eyre. It wasn’t as scary as I feared (I can’t do horror most of the time, even if I am fine during I get freaked out later at night and I was totally ok).
Somehow I thought that Jessica Chastain played Edith and everything she was on screen I kept thinking ‘Wow, Jessica Chastain looks so different for this, its really weird.’ And every time Lucille was on screen I was thinking ‘Who is that woman, she looks so familiar!’
So I get home and Goggle Crimson Peak cast because not knowing who played Lucille is driving my nuts. The pictures load and when I see Jessica Chastain’s name under Lucille’s picture my first thought is ‘Oh no, Goggle mixed up the names and pictures!’ My second thought was ‘Oh, that’s why Edith didn’t look like Jessica Chastain.’
After perusing their IMDB pages I realized I have seen Mia Cushing in several things (including Jane Eyre) and really should have recognized her. I have apparently only seen Jessica Chastain in one other movie and may have thought Felicia Day was Jessica Chastain. I knew I wasn’t good with names and faces but this is a bit absurd.
Toasts, healthcare in the states sucks so bad. I have to have my gallbladder removed and I went to the surgeon about it today. My insurance plan is changing on the first – to a marketplace plan that’s closing at the end of the year, hoorah – and getting everything straight was awful. Also, I went to get bloodwork done and the hospital lab doesn’t take my current insurance. The insurance lady at the hospital acting like my changing insurance was a personal affront, too. But I managed not to cry, so there’s that.
I’ve been working on my Mom’s birthday present, which is a thumb drive containing a video of some of our favorite scenes from different comedies. Editing that helped.
Agreed. The ACA at least made it possible for people like me to have health insurance at all, but we still have a long way to go in making the system not a dysfunctional nightmare sprung on people who are in the worst possible place to deal with it.
Also, I hope a bird craps in that pissy insurance lady’s hair.
You guys, I love Halloween. Yesterday afternoon at work, everyone with kids brought them in for trick-or-treating in the office. There were SO MANY BABBIES. Babby mouse, babby lion, babby dinosaur, babby twin gnomes. I am still high from the Xtreme 2theMax Cuteness.
Oh yeah, I forgot about the babby piggie, babby puppy, babby pumpkin, and more.
My all time favorite toddler costume was a gnome. He wore oshkosh b’gosh type overalls and a red shirt and a little red construction paper hat. His big cheeks had little rouge circles on them. It was so cute that I gave out an entire handful of candy.
I’m pretty meh on babby in general but babby in Halloween costume is the exception. To wear a onesie shaped like a goddamn dinosaur is what they were put on earth to do.
Especially if also given toy cars and things to pretend to smash like an angry goddamn dinosaur.
Ditto on babby feelings. Wearing normal clothes? Ehh. Dressed as a wee beastie? HEART EYES EMOJI!
I have a coworker who I occasionally send Toast posts to, because she Gets It but is also too busy to fill her days with iNtErNeT cOnTeNt, and last night she emailed me a link to Dirtbag Athena with a message announcing her intention to make a Google alert “for this Mallory Ortberg. She sticks the landing, every goddamn time.” Welcome to the fanclub, colleague, it’s warm and fuzzy and delightful in here.
Starting today I have a week off work! I celebrated last night by seeing Garbage in DC for their 20th anniversary tour. I’m doing Halloween stuff tonight and tomorrow (as a sparkly witch) and on Sunday morning I leave for Chicago to play tourist while my friend is at a conference and at night we will eat A LOT of deep dish pizza and visit many breweries.
Anyone have any sparkly, witchy makeup tutorials?
Black your eyelids and forehead. My favorite makeup tutorial is by Furiosa.
Hamilinks? This tumblr post about everyone’s favorite fighting french bread had me laughing until I gasped for breath.
Holy crap! 😀 😀 😀
I am going to the Night Vale live show tonight. Is anyone else going to see them this tour?
I couldn’t find my felt soft-meats crown this morning, so I’m a bit sad about that. I’m sure the friend who made the crowns for the last Night Vale live show will understand, though.
I saw them last go-round, but was super sad Dessa wasn’t at our showing, as I love Dessa too.
The one that came here before was The Librarian, which I think was the last tour? We had Eliza Rickman for the weather, I believe, which was lovely, and it looks like she’ll be the weather at tonight’s show too. It would be great to see Dessa, but I do enjoy Eliza Rickman too, so I’ll be fine. I’m sorry you were disappointed, though!
Is anyone doing Nanowrimo this year? It’s going to be such a busy month that I’m leery, but I’ve at least made an attempt every year, so we’ll see!
Yes! I haven’t done well at NaNo the last several years, but I’ve decided to blame that on helping with the local science fiction festival in November. Said festival was in October this year, so I have no excuses and will have to do better.
I’m going to try! I also signed up for the MOOC the Toast was advertising, though, and it runs through the end of November, so I’m like…. this is gonna be a loooot of writing. Uh oh. (Not to mention personal essays for [redacted grad school] aaaahaha)
I’m sorta kinda doing it? I have a novel that exists in a some random rough drafts of scenes and a lot of outlining, so I’m trying to find a good way to measure progress/set a goal for something that technically already has some parts already sort of written. (Although mostly everything I’ve written so far needs to be drastically rewritten from the ground up.)
Anyway, I’m going to make a valiant effort. 🙂
Yes! I think I have picked out which story I’m going to be attempting to write (finally), and I discovered this week that my region has write-ins practically every day, which is exciting. I’m sad that I no longer get to take public transportation to work, though–last year, I always managed to get ~1,000 words written on the metro every day.
I think so! I haven’t done it for a few years, maybe this is a good time to jump back in. Is there a toastie group on the site?
Doing it too! Good luck all!
I usually don’t post to talk about anxieties or problems buuuuut… I’m applying to the Bitch Media Emerging Writers’ Fellowship and I’m really really nervous about it! I know the competition will be really fierce, but I also really want it and think I have a decent shot, so my emotions are really running wild. On the one hand, I’m trying not to get my hopes up because disappointment has the effect of launching Disproportionately Bad Feels. But on the OTHER hand, I’ve been feeling lately like I need to allow myself to be a little more vulnerable to build up my resiliency and get better at brooking disappointment/frustration more healthily.
:-/ plus ??? x infinity
Good luck! I submitting a letter of intent for a grant next week and I’m super nervous – a solid combination of imposter syndrome and thinking I’m a good candidate, but then worrying that I won’t even be invited to apply. It’s such a lovely rollercoaster.
Aaaaah that’s a really good opportunity. The tab is open right now but I haven’t been able to get a good pitch-wording together.
The fact that you are getting it all together and submitting it means you are doing an awesome thing and should be proud. The competition *will* be fierce which is why you shouldn’t be disappointed at all, for any reason, ever!
(I do this thing where I pretend every job application/interview is “practice” and is honing my skills for the next attempt. If you start with that mindset, it helps you be less “ugh I never want to see that application again” when it’s really good for you to go back and revisit stuff later and improve upon it.)
ALL OF THAT SAID, I BET YOU WILL TOTALLY ROCK IT.
Aw, thank you so much. All of this is exactly what I needed to hear!! <3 <3
This might be a good day to share these–excerpts of Hamilton onstage.
‘Hamilton’ Clips: Hip-Hop Musical About Making of America https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=PLb1ayNIj3f8oKW8…
“Hamilton”: A founding father takes to the stage https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=PLb1ayNIj3f8oKW8…
Hamilton: “The Room Where It Happens” https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=PLb1ayNIj3f8oKW8…
Show Clips: HAMILTON, Starring Lin-Manuel Miranda, Leslie Odom Jr., Jonathan Groff & More https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=PLb1ayNIj3f8oKW8…
Video of HAMILTON, the new musical about Alexander Hamilton by Lin-Manuel Miranda at Public Theater https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=deApjIhhhC4
HAMILTON Ham4Ham 9/11/15 “Love for the Techies Day” with the entire company https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=PLb1ayNIj3f8pKtf…
All of “Ten Duel Commandments” performed at Ham4Ham with the stage manager doing all the stage directions over the microphone.
Hamilton cast singing What I Did For Love from A Chorus Line
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86mukiciQ6E
(Apparently their theater is the same theater where A Chorus Line was first staged)
The Techies Day one was really cool!
I know there are Toasties who never read Grantland after they so badly fucked up the story on the trans woman and the golf club. But for me, the Toast is the only site that I read more than Grantland and ESPN just abruptly shut down the site. Most of the writers are not apparently being laid off, but it still sucks.
The worst for me is that I can’t even give ESPN what money I can afford in an entirely futile endeavor considering how big ESPN and Disney are, to keep it from being shut down. So I donated to the Toast. In an effort to support directly media I care about. I know not everyone can afford to donate, but it felt good. Not because I’m some good person, I am selfishly supporting what I read every single day.
WHAT? I don’t read grantland widely, but their hockey coverage is some of my favorite on the internet (Katie Baker <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3). I wonder what will happen to it – a lot of what I liked about Grantland is their feature stories (obviously that went awry sometimes, but I mostly stick to hockey land) and even if they don’t lay people off I worried that that kind of reporting will disappear. I’m really disappointed 🙁
ETA: Also what will happen to the NYTimes wedding power rankings?????
it will disappear from ESPN at least. They claim they will continue caring about writing, but who knows. They have been consistently claiming to care about Grantland for months and just abruptly ended it without even telling the staff. (Freelancers at least found out about it on twitter).
Effective immediately! Weird!
whaaaat this is the first I’m hearing about this!
I know(/hope) most of my favorite writers will land on their feet, but damn. That’s really frustrating.
I just had a second interview for a job that I really do quite want and I feel like I’m going to die ATM, just going to leave this out in the universe because it makes me feel better to type it out and click send.
YAY! Don’t die.
BUT THE ANXIETY, SHE IS CRUSHING ME
Is there a kitty or a puppy nearby that could use a hug? Maybe a warm (caffeine-free) drink? A favorite childhood snack? Those are things I use to keep my anxiety at bay (also drugs)
Trees are also worth giving hugs to! Not as cuddly as fuzzy friends, mind.
Hey NYC Toasties: Mallory is at Joe’s Pub on Wednesday. I’m going to buy a ticket. Anyone want to join me? Let me know so we can coordinate buying at the same table, hopefully!
Y’all – long time lurker, never commenter, but fear is driving me to type a thing. Is there a slasher on the loose, picking off all the indie news sites? Should we be scared for The Toast?
I don’t know how serious you are being, but Nicole just gave some really good #realtalk on what it’s like in Indie Media on twitter. https://twitter.com/Nicole_Cliffe/status/66016781… So, don’t be worried, but yeah what a day
I’m doing the first stage of KonMari. The clothing purge. Have you done it? Tell me your stories! My husband (a country boy hoarder) is deeply skeptical.
You will probably be skeptical at first, then a little scared, then get this huge burst of energy and “ALL MUST GO” enthusiasm which will feel great at the time.
All I’m saying is, don’t actually take those bags to the thrift store until you’ve done a full inventory on the clothes you actually left in your closet. I definitely ended up sheepishly digging through the bags a couple of times when I realized I’d ended up with ZERO pairs of tights, or a single tank top, etc.
I’ve done the clothing purge and using joy as a criteria helped me get rid of things that had been hanging around because they were ‘fine’.
Also – omg, never going back to roling my socks in balls and throwing my panties in the drawer all scrunched up. My socks and undies drawer is now a thing of beauty and makes me happy every damn day.
I’ve been thinking about a clothes purge and your post reminded me that I have her book. So I started reading it. Let me know how it goes!
I was bad and did it out of order, starting last month with my kitchen. It was GREAT and I cannot wait to get to my clothes.
Ughhh let’s talk about crushes. My two main crushes will be in town over the next two months for the various upcoming holidays and it’s going to be that combination of suck and awesome that seeing your totally unattainable crushes is going to be. Sighhhhh. Pine with me.
Man, I have basically had zero IRL crushes since I broke up with my girlfriend and then got accused of sleeping with a married man because WOW apparently crushes go badly for me.
But I know the feeling! Seeing crushes and knowing it’s that piney-awful-good-ouchy feeling the whole time is sooo hard!
My college crush is in town this weekend, but I’m committed to not leaving the house, so def not gonna see him.
I keep forgetting to ask this! I have a question for Toasties who choose not to remove underarm hair.
So, in my never-ending quest to live by the motto: Screw it, I Do What I Want, I stopped shaving under my arms a while back. And while I admit the lack of razor burn and ingrown hairs has been a relief, I now have a different problem. God, I don’t even know how to describe this. The hair, like, gets kind of caught? In clothes/bras and such? And it is uncomfortable? Like nagging discomfort. To the point I am considering shaving again.
So, um. Does it go away? Is there a transition period I hadn’t anticipated? Should I just power through? Will I ever have a question so disgusting that I’m not willing to ask strangers on the internet to weigh in? I MUST KNOW.
Hm, this doesn’t happen to me. Maybe you could try trimming, with a bikini trimmer or whatnot.
I assume this is why some men wear undershirts. Which doesn’t help you with your bra catching at hairs. Perhaps a weekly trim, just a quick grab and snip to keep the length under control?
I am 100% supportive of Screw it, I Do What I Want as a motto. Rock on.
Unless you wear an undershirt beneath the bra, which sounds weirder than it feels. Undershirts are so much softer than bras, and my skin is pretty sensitive
I have a sneaking suspicion that might solve it, actually. Which presents a conundrum, because undershirts aren’t really viable in terms of my wardrobe, either under or over a bra. Hmm.
This is a weird question, hopefully not too gross, but how long is it? I haven’t shaved mine in probably over a year, and it’s considerably long (maybe like, 1.5 inches when pulled straight?) but it also tends to just kinda stick out sideways and doesn’t interact with my bras, so I haven’t had that problem.
It’s not that long – less than an inch. I think part of the problem isn’t so much the bras or clothes as the fact of skin-on-skin friction, because of having arms that Ruben would love to paint.
Hmm, okay. Perhaps, if you don’t have any sensitivities to mild scent, another thing you could try is applying like a soft, friction-smoothing powder to the affected area? In the summertime I sometimes use this “silky underwear” powder on my thighs to combat chub rub, I wonder if that might provide some relief for you in the arm area as well.
This doesn’t happen to me, either. (Also, this isn’t disgusting!) Maybe try trimming as described? Maybe mine is just softer (as I am pretty fair-skinned) but I don’t have chafing either.
Bleaching softens it, right? You could bleach it and then dye it a fun color …
This may not be a popular opinion here but I wax ’em. I utterly hated shaving (THE ITCHING etc.) but I started waxing and never looked back. I let somebody else do it for a while until I felt like I could handle it myself, and now I get a microwaveable kit at the store that lasts quite a while. Hair grows in soft, not bristly, and I barely feel it at all.
But definitely Do What You Want.
Same. It’s good stuff, home-waxing. And I like that I get to have it both ways – the 6mm-long DGAF look *and then* the smooth look.
Phew! The redesign has really done a weird thing for me, which is: roused me from my Toast slumber and made me want to participate a lot more again. I *whisper* worked on the logo/art/site and I think it got very half-consciously weird and difficult for me to engage with the site because I was too close to it…or something! IDK! It’s hard to explain! But it looks fresh and lovely and familiar like a tidied-up house, and I don’t have to fret about it, and I just want to be here all the time. It’s wonderful. Hi. Love you all. Let’s be friends.
I’ve been reading The Toast regularly for about a year now, but only just decided to sign up for IntenseDebate (I have a weird OCD thing where I don’t like to have too many subscriptions to stuff, just to keep my life, online and real, as simple as possible–I need to get over that probably). So … hi! 🙂 Glad to be part of the community.
HUGE thank you to Toastie neuromaticism, who recommended Visby to me! I LOVED it. I stayed at the Hotel St. Clemens, inside the wall, I ate at the creperie, the Black Sheep Arms, and Torgkrogen (Surfers was packed when I tried to get in), I got hot chocolate and saffron pancake at Hedbergs bok & musikkafe, I learned about the civil war and Danish invasion in the museum (in the US, we learn virtually nothing about Scandinavia in school), I made friends with a stray cat down by the Baltic (she curled up in my lap and snoozed for half an hour), I got myself lost and walked more than 25 miles in 2 1/2 days, including several trips around the wall. I loved it and want to go back when it’s warmer. Thanks!
Awesome! I love Visby so much, I’m really glad you enjoyed it! I’ve been trying to remember to ask about your trip in the open thread, but I’ve missed the last few open threads 🙂
Definitely go back in the summer if you can! Many historical buildings and restaurants are only open in the summer. There are concerts and plays and circus acts (with fire) in the old ruins, the gardens and parks are so pretty (roses EVERYWHERE), and the sun barely sets at all because Scandinavia. This place is magical.
Hey guys! I had a cool experience with ~leftovers~ and wanted to share.
So I had a shrimp boil and it was great, but I wound up with a lot of leftovers–way too much than I cared to eat. I posted on Craigslist to see if anyone in the neighborhood was interested in leftover food. I got a TON of responses in less than 4 hours, including a few people who identified as in “needy families, anything helps” situations. So I ended up distributing shrimp boil and dry goods to people around me. I highly recommend this next time you make a dinner too big!
This is an amazing idea.
Last Friday I complained that my neighbors were playing guitar. This Friday my neighbors are playing guitar. Is this my life now?
It could be poor saxophone? My neighbor is learning and not past the “sounds like a duck” phase. It scares the dog
There is definitely some effort at singing along, so if it’s saxophone, I’m changing my assessment to super impressed. It’s actually kinda sweet, although I’ve turned on Ted Leo covering “Since U Been Gone” just to show who’s boss in this here complex.
this is my favorite post of the day.
I started am on second listen of Hamilton on Amazon Prime Streaming, and it’s amazing, and encouraging me to look up the history, which is cool.
I’m supposed to be putting up Halloween decorations and/or doing homework, but I’m procrastinating on both because I went through a nice anxiety spiral this week that settled me nicely into depression, which is totally what I needed. Ugh.
*ears perk up* Hamilton history? I’m going to plug these tumblrs again. http://publius-esquire.tumblr.com http://john-laurens.tumblr.com
I was not interested in this history at all before.
Anyway, hope you feel better! I know how that goes.
Thank you!
Toasts! My job ends today and yesterday I found out I got a different job in a different city and I’m moving in a week! I couldn’t be happier–this job has rescued me from the very real possibility of having to stay with my parents.
That’s all I want to say–this week is lovely and against the odds, everything worked out!
Huzzah!
TOASTIES OMG I HAVE BEEN DESCRIBED AS CRYPTIC MULTIPLE TIMES. Being a cryptic spinster is all I hoped to be!
http://www.artistrunwebsite.com/blog/1220/Cryptic…
Toasts, I’m not dressing up or going to any parties for Halloween, but either tonight (if I don’t collapse from exhaustion and if I can get a ticket) or tomorrow night, I’m going to finally go see Crimson Peak. Because what better time of year for Gothic Guillermo del Toro scariness?
Also I don’t know if kids trick-or-treat in my new building, or if I’ll be there to open my apartment door if they do — but I might just have to buy a big bag of candy, just in case.
Survived first week on the new job. Here’s to life as an office drone, huzzah.
So the kids came home from dad’s house on Monday with the stomach flu, so that was three bad days. Then I had to miss work for a roofer. My daughter finally made up her mind on a costume–a weeping angel. I had two days!! Teenage boy made his own costume–he is a spoon. So yesterday I left work with a migraine, sat in the dark for an hour, then worked on the angel. I think I might have some fingerprints left that I didn’t hot glue and burn. I burned my arm on the oven door cooking a potato. More or less finished the costume by 10:30 last night. Was going to stay up one more hour for the paint to dry. At 11 pm my landlord texts,”there is an appraiser coming tomorrow!!!!!” My house is trashed. So then I panic until I delude myself into believing it will be a drive-by. Then at midnight the sherrif’s office called looking for a fugitive!!! I got two hours of sleep, came home and cleaned like mad, and barely got the dirty undies picked up in time. Grrr. Took extra kids places, got kid ready for band, took a nap. Was going to wake up and do knitting or something just for me. Well, I am shaking with fever. This week really needs to end, already!!!
I hope you feel better. Take care of yourself!
Thanks! The only plus is that I have just enough brain to fantasy yarn shop without guilt. Napping and dreaming of yarn is pretty ok.
I have been pregnant four times. I carried my daughter to term, had two miscarriages, and terminated the last one. In both my miscarriages, the slow trickle of medical bills following the loss were salt in the wound.
This time, every new bill is an indictment. We are up to $2,000 for this baby that I chose not to have. I’m grateful that we can afford it, but it compounds my grief.
Counseling continues. Depression descends.
Thinking of you. And to Hell with our screwed-up healthcare system.
grumble grumble health care is a human right grumble grumble patriarchy grumble grumble.
grumble.
That is awful. I’m so sorry.
It is the shittiest thing. I’m so sorry you’re having to experience that.
Remember that it is an indictment against the system, not against you.
You have the right to choose what’s best for your body, your health, your family. You have the right to being left in peace about those choices. Fuck the medical system. You deserve so much better. Toasthugs.
Open thread I know it’s late and no one will ever see this but I’d like to nominate these women from 1875 (hand colored, restored image) as official proto-Toasties. Happy Halloween/Toussaint/Day of the Dead /weekend everybody
I love this picture and I thank you for it!
I’m so glad people are seeing it. It’s truly delightful! My one regret is that I came across it so late last night.
I am sick as a dog with allergies, or a cold, or some combination of the two and have been all week. All I want to do tonight is snuggle up on the couch with a hot toddy and Netflix and my boyfriend. But. Not only does he not want me cuddling with him because he doesn’t want to get sick, he downloaded my very favorite movie, Home, but declined to tell me this when we were deciding what to watch, because he didn’t want to watch it tonight. Instead he put on Young Frankenstein, because somehow he always ends up picking the movie. Am I overreacting, or is he being a dick? So I’m in the bedroom watching The Flash on my dying laptop, because I feel like shit and I think I deserve to watch what I want to watch.
Total dick move. The sick person should get to pick what to watch, period. I hope you feel better soon!!
One day late to Open Thread! Oh well.
Going to Salem this morning for a banjo lesson. I think I am going to park in Beverly and walk over the bridge. There is a FUNK DANCE, that’s right, a FUNK DANCE here in Cape Ann tonight. So either that or stay in and listen to Christopher Lee read Fireside Tales on Youtube.
Look what’s in the Guardian today! http://www.theguardian.com/media/2015/oct/30/heat…
Late to this, but someone recommended The Innkeepers to me on another site (while discussing the wonderful ghost movie Lake Mungo) and I really liked the atmosphere of House of the Devil, so I'm going to see if I can find both The Innkeepers and We Are Still Here and watch them soon.
Also, re: a comment upthread, The Shining is a wonderful winter movie – whenever I think of it I just think of them driving along those windy roads toward the hotel. It's such a weirdly calming movie for me. Stephen King is a winter author for me in general (my pop culture has seasons, even aside from any holiday-related specifics).
A few years ago, I made popcorn kits. Each family/person got a few red-and-white striped popcorn bucket, one unfolded with the others tucked inside. Each kit also contained:
– popcorn kernels. I bought a biiiig bag and repackaged into ~2 c. bags sealed & tied w/colorful ribbon; you could class this up by ordering specialty corn, but I went w/regular white & yellow kernels.
– a bag of popcorn salt, bagged & labelled. This is just regular salt ground fine in the blender, so it clings to each piece; I priced out tiny shakers at the dollar store, but forgot to buy 'em.
– a selection of seasonings, also bagged up & labelled. I don't remember all of these, but I know I bagged up nutritional yeast and made gomashio, something with chili peppers and dried lime zest, furikake, herbs des Provence, and a few sweet flavors including cinnamon-nutmeg-ginger spice, cocoa with mini-chocolate chips, and toasted coconut. I googled for ideas, then tested some recipes. I wanted these to be shelf-stable; if you don't, you have lots more options!
– a small bag of coconut oil pucks, which I portioned out by the tablespoon in a silicone ice cube tray. This is a frill, totally unnecessary, and probably inadvisable if you're shipping the gifts or you live in a warm climate.
– printed instructions for making stovetop popcorn, adapted from here and printed (like all the labels) in bright red in a big bubbly font, to match the carnival feel of the popcorn buckets.
It sounds like a lot, but the total cost was groceries (popcorn, spices, which I bought in bulk.; coconut oil was the biggest single expense) + $2 worth of tiny bags for packaging up the seasoning mixes + popcorn buckets (which I found pretty cheap in a package of a dozen, but I also see them at my grocery store in the snack aisle).
Hollinghurst is one of my all-time favourites, how stunning is that book? Have you read any others of his?
With the proviso that I wouldn't go directly from one of his books to another – I'd give it a few in between – it's hard to go wrong with any of them. Try The Stranger's Child or The Swimming Pool Library; both full of horrible people and breathtakingly stunning prose.
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I know this is a really old post, but I just had to reply because I really feel for you. I'm Australian where at least half of us are not religious and even most of the people who put religion down on the census forms don't go to church or participate in religion in any way. Atheism isn't a phase, it's the default state of humanity absent a religious upbringing. I honestly can't even imagine living somewhere where people freely talked about their religion. It's is considered extremely bad manners and wildly inappropriate to talk publicly about your faith here. It'd be on par with talking about having sex with your spouse. So I get the sense of discomfort reading all the Christian stories. Luckily for me though, I can just read them as being wild tales from another culture and don't really have to live that reality like you do.
It's only because you're immersed in a culture that tells you Christian is the default setting that you're questioning it. But it's not like that everywhere and you're not wrong to feel as you do.