A piece of toast. A piece of cheese. Half an avocado. Lox. And an egg cooked in a teeny tiny egg pan. These are the things of joy and wonder. Hope you’re well dear Toasties. Open-thread!
Cocktail Hour: Open Thread
A piece of toast. A piece of cheese. Half an avocado. Lox. And an egg cooked in a teeny tiny egg pan. These are the things of joy and wonder. Hope you’re well dear Toasties. Open-thread!
Hey! My daughter is graduating from her rehab program and I was wondering what to get her for a graduation present. She has been sober for a year now, and is doing well in her recovery — dealing with her cravings by using coping skills she learned in treatment. She has been struggling with addiction for 17 years now, so this sobriety is quite a Thing. It’s a major life event. I’m so proud of her I’m bursting. I wanted to get her a present that represented her strength in the on-going recovery, but I have no idea what that should be. Any ideas?
Maybe something like a spa treatment, if that is something she is comfortable with. Her having a day where she is pampered and soothed might be restorative, and also, I’m sure rehab has taken its toll on her body.
This is a really good idea, and one I hadn’t even thought of. It’d be soothing to her mind as well, I think, as her body.
I fourth this! I had a friend who was recently supporting a big sobriety anniversary and I got her a gift certificate for her favorite salon. Just something pampering and indulgent (indulgent that has nothing to do with alcohol or drugs).
What a great milestone, and your well-placed pride is evident. I think whatever you give her (spa card is a great idea!) also include a pretty notecard where you write about how impressed you are with her strength, and about your pride and love.
Congratulations to your daughter!!!!! What an amazing achievement.
Thanks, Nicole, I’ll pass along your felicitations to her!
She was also chosen as a mentor for her rehab program, (so she has to make a speech at the graduation ceremony) (AND) so, she’ll have an ongoing relationship with women who are struggling with addiction and sobriety — she’ll be a big sister to them and pass along her hard-won wisdom. She was really honored to be chosen.
She still has some on-going struggles; for instance, the other day I saw her shake her head, as if to ward off a bad memory: she said that sometimes she wonders where she’ll sleep that night or where she’ll get her next meal, before remembering that she has an apartment, she has a job now and she’s not sleeping underneath a bridge in a -40 windchill Minnesota winter … (and you can imagine how I feel, not having to worry about her living conditions. Best Mother’s Day present EVER!) … She has come such a long way in the past year. She also has some shame and regrets, but then reminds herself that she’s a different person now; and that it was a struggle to get there, but she did it. She’s also adjusting to being able to make plans for the future, and wow, what a wonderful thing.
Welp, that got a little long, but thank you, Nicole.
Maybe make it a recurring thing, something she can look forward to every year? This is such an achievement for your daughter! I assume that staying in recovery from addiction takes a permanent effort on her part, so maybe honor that – if it is in anyway doable financially?
A recurring thing is also something I hadn’t thought about. Maybe it could be a family celebration type thing, since, you know, we’re all really happy that she’s on the right path.
Maybe just plan something that you COULD repeat? I mean, a year of sobriety is no small accomplishment and she absolutely deserves your pride and joy, as well as her own.
But there is a lot of addiction in my family as well, and I feel like something like that could feel… pressuring? Or be a source of sadness and disappointment if she has future struggles. I’m sure that you will love her and want the best for her no matter how many consecutive days of sobriety she has, so I think it’s important that whatever you get her be something that celebrates her _as is_. Spa time, if she likes it, or an amusement park pass, if that’s what she likes. You can always go next year, and the year after, and the year after. Don’t link your support for her efforts or your desire to celebrate her current success with her future actions. A year of sobriety is no small thing, but there are many years ahead, and she will need your support regardless of if she stumbles or not. (I’m sure she has it, you sound so happy and proud and loving.)
We’re trying to make new traditions, so it’s definitely something she would have to feel comfortable with. She might want to have a get-together with women that she graduates with — but it’s her anniversary and she should be able to celebrate however she sees fit, and I will of course keep that in mind! Thank you for reminding me of that.
Congratulations!
I second the spa idea, will also add — maybe check Etsy for some sort of handmaid jewelry or accessory? Something she can look at and remember this proud moment and your pride in her — a visual reminder of how hard she’s worked that she can look at in hard times. I suggest Etsy because it’s less mass-produced and I know friends who have found sentimental and meaningful presents there.
I like the Etsy idea! We’ll probably end up looking for something together, too, because she has particular tastes. Maybe it’s something she can add to year after year as well. (Like a Pandora thing?)
For my mother’s first birthday after rehab, I gave her a piece of amethyst jewelry. Amethyst is the stone of sobriety (that’s what the name means) so she says it is her new birthstone along with the old one.
But mainly I would like to say congratulations to your daughter and to you. Recovery is hard for the addict and the family. Best wishes to you both as you move forward.
great ideas here! i might also suggest that if she has an interest in museums or botanical gardens or anywhere where they have memberships that come with benefits, getting her a membership where she can enjoy something she likes with friends is great too.
So few open threads left, I want to make them count! Tell me about some of your June Favorites, lovelies. What are the best things you’ve been cooking, clothes you’ve been wearing, songs you’ve been jamming to, walks you’ve been taking? We’ve had 10 days of June so far so this is pretty low pressure, you can change your definitive rankings between now and the end of the month.
Some of mine:
1) Tiny cans of coke with a splash of Jim Beam and a generous shake of bitters
2) Dyno practice at the climbing gym
3) “Work From Home” by Fifth Harmony
4) Cooler nights
I had several gift cards from Christmas to a fancy overpriced clothing store, and I combined them with a sale to get this gorgeous blue-and-white dress for about $40, and I love wearing it. It makes me feel extremely summery.
Getting a good deal is one of the best feelings ever. Sounds like a lovely dress!
June is the month that the Burgomaster spends teaching his SF writing workshops, so I only see him for a few minutes every morning and maybe a couple hours on the weekends. I love the Burgomaster don’t get me wrong but I also really love being basically single for the month of June. I can’t wait to get home tonight, make some scrambled eggs for dinner, get smashed, and make my Toast Mix CD for mailing tomorrow.
Scrambled eggs for dinner sound great, and I 100% get you on the appeal of temporary singledom. Enjoy! (And thanks for reminding me, I need to get on my mix CD for the exchange!)
Temporary singledom is the perfect world, IMO. I wouldn’t mind having a month like this every winter, either. I am not a person who enjoys cohabitation so it’s honestly a very helpful situation for us. Gives me a chance to miss him (which won’t kick in for another couple weeks, tbh).
My partner (of 9 years, and we have a kid) and I have applied in our respective co-ops for a unit to move into together and while it will make a lot of things better logistically (and I can’t wait to live full-time with a dishwashing machine), I’m also concerned. I REALLY like being alone in my home.
Also working on my Toastie mix CD this weekend!
Temporary singledom sounds fantastic. Enjoy your eggs and music!
I’ve been listening to Gabriel Kahane’s “The Fiction Issue” a lot this month and it’s very lovely and pensive. The style is kind of new-classical with some folk elements, which is interesting and really appealing to me.
Summer produce coming in at the farmer’s market! I made this strawberry cake from Smitten Kitchen this week and it was just perfect – a simple cake showcasing perfect summer berries.
Ooo that looks delicious, must make it…
It is SO good and SO easy and since the berries are totally the star of the show, it turns out amazing if you use good fruit. People are always super impressed by it when it’s really one of the simplest things I make.
Oh my gosh, put this cake in my face. Bookmarking for the next time I see a good price on berries!
It’s sooo good. I’m shit at baking, but this cake always turns out perfect.
I may make and eat that, and only that, this weekend.
I love all the Smitten Kitchen summer cakes! The strawberry cake, the blueberry boy bait, the rhubarb snacking cake … I think the raspberry buttermilk cake is my favorite, though. I make at least one of these every year as a birthday cake for myself.
I love this thread! Mine are in no particular order:
1) Yoga followed by a dance party in the living room when my roommates are gone.
2) This song if I’m walking somewhere and need to get revved up: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hS1DUsMVJdE
3) Gin gimlets!
4) Spaghetti with garlic infused olive oil, parmesan, fresh parsley, and red pepper flakes. It’s so light!
5) Ocean ocean ocean ocean! Getting pumped for day trips soon, especially since I finally got two bathing suits I am confident in. (For reference: http://www.romwe.com/Tribal-Print-Racerback-Bikin… is one of them.)
6) Weekly drinks with my dogwalker friends at the outdoor Beer Garden.
I have this gaudy golden ladybug watch necklace (it’s wings open up to reveal a clock face) on a long gold chain. It belonged to my grandmother, and I love busting it out in the summertime. It feels like I carry a bit of her with me. It’s been my favorite thing about June so far.
This sounds incredibly rad!
Oh that went right to my heart! How beautiful.
Yoga followed by a dance party in the living room when my roommates are gone.
WHERE IS MY TRANSPORTER I WANT TO JOIN YOU FOR THIS
YES PLEASE I WOULD BE DELIGHTED
This sounds like the best summer.
That Clem Snide song is amazing, I must dust off my electric and learn it immediately
1) Podcasts about comic books
2) Podcasts that are only occasionally about comic books
3) Virtual Villagers 3 (for like five days before I abruptly got bored with it)
4) “The Mother We Share” by CHVRCHES
Oh oh oh can you please recommend podcast names? I am always looking for good ones to listen to at work!
Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men: a married couple try and explain the deeply convuloted world of X-Men (and associated books). They recently finished talking about the Inferno event.
Teen Titans Wasteland: two brothers recap issues of the Silver Age Teen Titans. Unlike the above, which generally covers story arcs, TTW goes issue-by-issue.
Traveling Through the Bronze Age: co-hosted by one of TTW’s hosts, this features recaps of issues from, well, any series from the Bronze Age. Rom Spaceknight, Prez, Lady Cop- that sort of thing. It hasn’t updated since February, which had a Black History Month special that covered the first appearances of 29 black superheroes.
Journey into Misery: a guy explains runs of various superhero comics to his girlfriend. She is an active participant and commentator, so it’s far from as sexist as it could be.
Worst Bestsellers: a librarian and a publisher review terrible bestsellers with a rotating panel of guests. Some aren’t necessarily bestsellers, but the books are pretty consistently terrible (or mediocre, or surprisingly okay).
1) Blueberries
2) cucumbers in everything – water, sandwiches, salad, my face. EVERYTHING
3) Still getting 60 degree days and gorgeous clouds in between heatwaves
4) “White Flag” by Joseph – it’s the prettiest “to hell with everybody” song ever
5: Strawberry gin lemonades – made with strawberry syrup I made myself from the sad strawberries I tried to make last too long
Oooh I needed that song this week, thank you!
I’m so glad you like it! I’m obsessed with this group (…I think I may be kind of a groupie?) and I want everyone wonderful to have their music in their life.
Cucumber in water is magic. I swear it makes it ONE THOUSAND PERCENT colder! Magic I tell you
I went to a bar recently where there were a couple of cocktails with cucumber ice cubes. The bartender said the kitchen grates tons of cucumbers every day for one of their salads, and they kept winding up with all this water from the cucumbers. So they started freezing it to put in some of their cocktails! It was SO GOOD you guys. I vowed to start doing this at home, then realized I don’t have an ice tray, then also realized I don’t usually have the forethought required for this sort of thing. Still, it remains a life goal.
1) wearing nothing but yoga pants and tanks, and going to a whole lot of yoga
2) eating many bunches of grapes
3) drinking infused water with mint from our garden
4) listening to a lot of Florence in order to prep for:
5) seeing Florence in Ann Arbor tomorrow!
6) which means our semi-regular trip to Ann Arbor where we stay in a lovely Bed and Breakfast, eat at delicious restaurants, and take as many baths as possible in an enormous soaking tub
Florence + Ann Arbor = living your best life
1) This can of Pimms I am supping right now in my last 30 mins at work
2) My new jeans
3) Prospect of drinking all the negronis on the terrace of my fave cocktail bar tomorrow
4) Walking home from work over the bridge and all the sunlight hitting the landmarks on the Thames and making me remember that I am okay, this is okay.
you can get pimm’s in a can?? oh man, I just googled it and I want. stupid atlantic.
You are definitely ok.
1) Thai coconut curry braised chicken thighs won my heart by being delicious, made primarily of things I already had in my kitchen, and SO EASY. I will revisit in the future with quorn pieces, I think, for the ultimate pantry staple meal with no defrosting necessary.
2) Similarly: my teeny tiny balcony herb garden makes it so much easier to cover everything in cilantro.
3) Ginger wine, either mixed with lemonade or seltzer.
4) I wisely stocked up on silk Allsaints tank tops on ebay over the last few months, and now it’s time to wear them all exclusively until it gets too hot and sticky for it. Yay!
the recipe looks delicious!!
It’s SO GOOD, even with my store brand red curry paste. I’d file it under “impossible to screw up.”
1) The smell of magnolia flowers
2) Fat, towering white clouds in a sky that has never looked so blue
3) Water so cold you can feel the ache of it when you come out of the heat and chug it down
4) Co-workers turning a blind eye when you sneak out of work early on a gorgeous Friday, because you’re ignoring when they too are sneaking out of work early on a gorgeous Friday.
5) This is perhaps because of Pride this weekend, but everyone on the streets looks a little queerer
Yes to number 4!! Haha, my group is so bad about this.
I am truly looking at the world through queer colored lenses this weekend and I like it.
In my small-ish city Pride is in April(?!?) so I tend to miss it, to my utmost regret. Enjoy your glorious +queerer weekend!
1. Rowing. I recently joined a local recreational rowing programme and it is so relaxing to be out on the water, but also a full-body workout. I am in love.
2. Taking the kidlets for ice cream at the ice cream place one block over, apropos of nothing
3. Wearing extremely comfy sandals
4. On hot evenings, when I climb the two sets of stairs to my bedroom, feeling the temperature increase step by step and then open my bedroom door to a whoosh of cold air from the AC unit.
Summer 4ever
1) this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUQgXaoZ8yI but also this song? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roHgklg03h0
2) Park beers
1. This amazing Mediterranean salad from Budget Bytes, especially the DRESSING
2. Grapefruit shandies
3. Any shandy, really; I’m going to make it my signature booze
4. Discovering Raw Vegan Youtube and watching in semi-horror at people eating 10 oranges as a meal
5. I found my favorite waistband-free sundress in another color on eBay, so I’m excited to have another housedress to wear when it’s hot out.
Awwwwww yeah cooler nights! That should be on my list! But other than that, mine are:
1) Reconsidering a dress I’d put in the “donate” pile because I thought it was too loud for my plus-size self. It’s blue with a pattern of giant roses in neon pinks, yellows, and greens. But I’ve worn it twice this month, and multiple ladies have stopped me on the street to compliment me. I can’t lie: it feels VERY good.
2) Copious amounts of very chilled white wine.
3) Getting a real menagerie of flowers blooming in my office window, including a hydrangea I rescued from the brink of death.
4) Reading Maggie Nelson’s Bluets and getting rulllllllll excited about it.
Bluets is all I care about. Did you also discover it from May’s Galactic Rabbit?
No! Honestly, Amazon suggested it to me. It’s only very recently figured out what I actually want. It only took three years of ordering arty farty books exclusively by women.
That dress sounds awesome.
I made a really beautiful strawberry rhubarb pie that was delightfully tart from the farmers market. And I made banana oat bread. Oh, and a beautiful duck breast with creme de cassis reduction. And a rack of lamb that was perfect.
I’ve gotten to transition from crepes to cottons on the dress front. Night having to worry about tights/shoes with this bare leg weather is splendid (daily shaving aside)!
Oh hot damn yes it’s finally rhubarb season! I made this frangipane tart in April but used strawberries, since rhubarb was nowhere to be found that early. Still totally delicious. But look how gorgeous the rhubarb weave is!
Banana oat bread also sounds absolutely incredible.
1) Toastie Slack, which has been cheering us on to go get a new suprt-short haircut & investigate the world of lipstick
2) We splurged on fancy flavoured coffee from a roaster in SF… that turns out not to be a splurge because the cost works out about the same. So french vanilla coffee or dark chocolate truffle coffee in the mornings, super yum.
3) The Josie & the Pussycats Soundtrack is getting played again, after some years out of rotation. Punk rock prom queen!
Toastie Slack?!
If you email me at brynpluplus at gmail I will point you towards the inviter!
1) Picnics at the beach
2) New jean shorts
3) Doomtree concert
4) Backyard veggie garden
1) My sunburn
2) high-waisted jeans from Reitmans that totally don’t suck
3) attendance at a conference paid for by my employer
4) heartburn medication
1) mint juleps
2) being California Moms with my roommate and plunking down in front of the TV with ice cubes in our wine
3) re-listening to the entire Fall Out Boy discography
4) I got into the Pokemon Go beta and consequently am exploring parts of my city that I had never even known existed before. AR really does help me see a world with new wonder.
mint juleps are very likely going to be in my mouth in like….2 hours. YES.
Anything swimming! I’ve had a few summers in the past where I didn’t feel like I took advantage of swimming season — no more! It’s SUCH a pleasure of mine and the amount of the year I can do it is limited. I’m in a pool as often as I get the opportunity!
Also, Wendy’s strawberry lemonade is the perfect amount of tart and sweet.
Loved reading through this thread 🙂
Mine:
1) The Note to Self podcast from WNYC, on living with technology and remaining human, funny female host
2) Gordon Downie’s solo album, Coke Machine Glow, soulful (“Black Flies” is a good summer song)
3) Wearing bright colors again, wore a fuchsia top today and it kept my energy up & I got two compliments on it
4) Chopping up fresh summer fruits (strawberries, peaches) and eating in a bowl for breakfast
My two June favorites are:
-“Destroyed by Hippie Powers” by Car Seat Headrest
-Biking around DC via Capital Bikeshare and generally being a nerd. I just started city biking and I bike to work and then adventure out on the city on my lunch break and its the GREATEST.
– Song: Regina Spektor’s “Firewood”. So hopeful and encouraging.
– Took a walk in the river valley in my city with Mr ZNF a few evenings ago and we found a) the layer of ash from the Mount Mazama eruption 7000 years ago and b) several lovely specimins of petrified wood and basalt! I love having taken a geology course because I can identify rocks with some degree of accuracy!
– Discovered the Stuff You Missed in History podcast and have been learning so many weird and wonderful things listening to it at work!
Favorite things! I feel like there are so many lately and I don’t want to get too selfish with my favorite things so I boiled it down to this jam:
1) The 2 Dope Queens podcast from WNYC.
2) Elderflower gin&tonics, paired with the black pepper flavored snapea crisps.
3) Leaving my ice-cold office at 5 and relishing the warmth of the late afternoon sunshine as I walk to my car.
4) Feeling more motivated to write lately! I found out about a local writers group through a friend and I’m excited (and scared!) about going to their next meeting.
5) “Save it for Later” preferably as performed by Pete Townsend
6) I have a new crush on someone!
The other day I took all the farmers market veggies on the brink of slime (zucchini, yellow squash, kale, garlic scapes) and some frozen peas and cooked them with a bag of cheese tortellini from the dollar store. Very nice the first night as a hot meal, but the cold leftovers were delicious with a little vinaigrette drizzled over. It was a fridge clean-out meal but now I want to start doing it regularly, because cheap + delicious.
So this came into my life recently. Because Live Alone and Like It wasn’t enough.
It’s worth it just for the illustrations alone.
(True fact: that is totally how my solo meals look. Solitary splendor.)
“an occasional sketchy meal”!!!
That style of illustration is one of my faves.
EATING AROUND
perhaps a winter of eating around won’t be fatal … but beware the autumnal eating around, for it sketchily sneaks upon your soul, and your complexion withers like the desiccating brownness of a maple tree’s lost leaf, and you fall, slowly, crackling and dry, to your death.
Wait, is middle-aged indigestion worse than indigestion in young people?
Yes.
Mine certainly has been.
Absolutely.
*adds immediately to Want list*
That is fantastic, I love Marjorie Hillis although I don’t think this one is in my library system — I’ll have to look again though. Along with all the advice/self-help books she wrote a novel in verse called _Work Ends at Nightfall_ about working women in the 30s. It wasn’t great but it was fascinating.
Vintage and antique lifestyle guides are one of my favorite things in the world. Thanks for this!
Why, I am eating in solitary splendor this very moment. Although not lounging quite as luxuriously as the woman in the illustration, I am reading the toast, so very happy.
I know this is super late but I thought nevertheless I should share my solitary meal recipe of choice. Super cheap and super indulgent. Buy a pot of lumpfish caviar. It’s usually around £2.50 ($4) in UK, probably around same in US and it tastes very similar to proper caviar. Make capellini pasta (or spaghetti is fine too but I find it goes better with thinner pasta). Add some salted butter while it’s hot. Then spoon generous amounts of lumpfish caviar. One pot usually makes around 4 or 5 portions. I’ve been eating that a lot recently, esp since money is a bit tight before I start my job. I mentioned this to a friend and…
“So what you’re telling me is that you eat butter and caviar to save money?”
But like seriously it’s about a fiver for five portions.
I have to go to work right after I post this, and eight hours cashiering does not inspire joy and wonder, but reading thread! What are the comfort books you always come back to?
Persuasion by Jane Austen. Tamora Pierce’s books set in Tortall, particularly Alanna and Kel’s stories. When I was a bit younger, Ella Enchanted, which now I want to read again as I type that.
YES the Tamora Pierce, especially Kel. I read the entire series right before my qualifying exam last year and it was exactly what I needed.
I also return to Megan McCafferty’s Jessica Darling books and Sarah Dessen’s books when I just want the easy comfort of a story I know well.
Oh, I forgot about Jessica Darling – those are excellent comfort rereads!
I just love Kel because she gets what she gets because she’s a good person and because she works very very hard, and I come back to them when that’s something I need.
Yeah, that’s what made them particularly great for pre quals reading.
Exactly! She has such incredible discipline and an incredible work ethic. I also love that she is written as a much more relatable heroine. I love Alanna, but she is this magic, goddess-touched kind of superhuman. Not that she didn’t work damn hard, but Kel was just tough and stubborn in a way that felt achievable.
Also, I loved the demonstration of her having crushes and then growing out of them. It felt so natural.
I think Alanna falls (or fell, at least – in the later books where she’s less of a protagonist you see more of… what it’s cost her? especially her relationship with her children, which is a little strained because she’s almost never there) more into high fantasy, while Kel is low fantasy? And I still think the opponent she finally ends up facing is the most terrifying nemesis Pierce has come up with, if only because he’s so… believably banal and mundane? ugh. ugh ugh ugh. he makes my skin crawl just to think about him.
Yes! I liked that. I like the way Pierce handles romance, as a whole, although I am still not over That Thing With Farmer, which I am sure has its defenders somewhere but honestly I do not get.
That Thing With Farmer totally did not happen. I refuse to believe George Cooper is descended from him.
Sometime I will get around to fix-fic where she gets with Rosto eventually because it would be painful and difficult and impossible but they had approx 1000000000x more chemistry and it makes sensewith George learning both sides of his heritage.
In the book I read, Farmer was the traitor who framed Beka’s mentor.
…What, that didn’t happen on the page? Yes it did.
I think that was one of my favorite things about Ali’s story — the very real depiction that you cannot have it all, but it’s depicted with kindness and understanding, rather than judgment. It nicely contrasted that there is no way that Ali could have been that effective as a spymaster. Re-reading that earlier this year I was not able to quite get over my disbelief in her ability to do all things spy with nothing other than no stakes training with her dad.
I’ve only read Mastiff once, and it was a long time ago so I had totally forgotten about that romance! I don’t even know what my feelings about it are at all.
Oh man, I’m in the middle of a pretty awesome Kel centered fanfic right now that has made me angry and also cry at least 3 times.
Alanna was my Tamora Pierce introduction, and while I know it’s a bit dated and problematic now, I still love it wholeheartedly.
Alanna is still my girl. I love her. I’m sure if I thought about it more, I’d find the problematic but I refuse to because I want to continue to love her forever.
I just reread Kel and she’s such a great character. Alanna was my introduction and will always be very near and dear to my heart, but I always admired that Kel’s success was entirely due to how hard she worked.
Duuuude. Sarah Dessen. Have you read This Lullaby? I was so in love with Dexter as a teen.
I was also SO in love with Dexter as a teen. That wasn’t the first book of hers I read, but it was definitely the first that I LOVED.
I really loved This Lullaby.
I was the sort of (insufferable) teenager who took pride in my distaste for “chick lit”, but This Lullaby was my guilty pleasure and I would check it out of the library at least two or three times a year to swoon secretly.
Yesss. I was going to say that Jane Austen’s books are such good comfort reading! And Ella Enchanted was definitely that for me when I was younger too. I don’t know how many times I read it over the years. The ending (well, all of it) is just so goddamn satisfying.
I love Ella Enchanted so much
Soooo satisfying. It’s such a great book! I always think about how that type of curse would have an impact on a person in today’s world of coercive marketing strategies. A bit of an odd habit, but fun.
A zillionth on the Austen. Last year, when I was struggling with a lot of work stuff, the only thing I could stand to read was Jane. I typically reread one a year, and I started with Persuasion. But then I just had to read another. And another. And as things at work got worse, I read another. I read all 6, plus Lady Susan. Then I took off from work on December 16th and celebrated Jane’s 240th birthday. And by the end of the year, everything got so much better.
Also, Mr. Editor read Emma (my favorite) for the first time this year, and he LOVED it. He’s kind of lukewarm on P&P, but he was so so so impressed with how sophisticated, dynamic, and revolutionary the writing is.
Ellaaaaa, she’s such a great character!!! And Char and his freckles! The ogres! Her friend at the manners school! Goddamn fucking Lucinda.
I need to find my copy.
Yes, Tortall.
God, they screwed up the movie for Ella so bad, I wanted to cry. The book is amazing.
I like to think the movie doesn’t exist. Or if it exists, it’s not even vaguely connected to the book and is simply a Cinderella adaptation.
Good plan.
The Eyre Affair. The Diary of Mattie Spencer. A Wrinkle In Time. Outlander. Flavia.
Harriet the Spy forever and ever
“Tam Lin,” by Pamela Dean. I found it at exactly the right time in my life and it’s never left me.
YES to Tam Lin. Also Robin McKinley’s Sunshine.
SUNSHINE. I’m still mad that they didn’t do it in that one scene.
I can’t read Sunshine without getting a wicked craving for cinnamon rolls, though.
YES to Tam Lin! That is definitely comfort reading for me. So are her Liavek short stories — Tam Lin was a beautiful image for me in high school but the Liavek stories I really identified with.
Yes! They finally put it on Kindle, too, so now I can always have it.
Yes to Tam Lin. And also, somewhat oddly “The Lady’s Not for Burning” which I read directly and only because of Tam Lin.
YES we love that play. It has been some time now but we used to read it every year.
The Menolly-centred books in the Dragonriders of Pern universe. Wonderful protagonist, self-contained without some of the weirder elements of Pern, and with the exact coming-of-age and found-family and slotting into a new community where you belong tropes that are balm to my soul.
I just read that series for the first time, and the first book BROKE MY HEART, her family is so awful, but I loved the series.
I know, they are the worst. But it does make the conclusion of the second book all the more satisfying, with her finding a place at last.
Dragonsong and Dragonsinger are the first that I discovered, and the only I still care about after all these years.
Mary Stewart romances.
Yes to Mary Stewart!
I’d forgotten about those! I need to go see if the library has any, they are so comforting (although I always end up wanting to be able to head off to a seaside villa on vacation after reading one)
I just finished my umpteenth reread of The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, can vouch for the high comfort level.
I’ve only read this once so far but it seems like an ideal comfort book!
Vonnegut’s The Sirens of Titan – especially the chapter with the harmoniums <3
Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury. His prose is so…wickedly electric, and that soothes me.
My favorite is Dandelion Wine, which is a different effect, but still has the electric, soothing prose.
Dandelion Wine is also great. I guess our preferences mean you’re a Will Halloway, while I’m more of a Jim Nightshade
You are so right. Will Halloway and Douglas Spaudling are two of the characters I identify with most.
Something Wicked is on my list of books to reread this summer.
Mine too, and no one has ever heard of it. I try to make everyone I know read it every August/September. (I maintain it’s a book that can only be read at the end of the summer.)
No one I have lent it to has read it! Possibly I am lending it at the wrong time of the year.
Beware the Autumn People
In the October Country.
oh man, Dandelion Wine has been on my shelves untouched since… high school? which is a sin, because i effing love Bradbury. I must change that this year.
Another thing about Ray Bradbury is that everyone has read Fahrenheit 451, which is really not his best work. I think that makes people less eager to try other things by him.
I’d never thought of that. Fahrenheit 451 was actually the first book I really loved- I reread it so many times, but always seemed to discover some new little passage or trick of language that changed the book and kept it new for me.
But yeah, if people only know Bradbury as an apocalypse writer, they’re going to miss the beauty of the rest of his work. And that’s a shame, because it is beautiful and very moving. He has a way of writing at the heart of things without the pretension that usually entails
I have gotten into fights defending that book over 1984, so I come from a place of love.
I think some people resent the “TV is bad” message, no idea why…
I reread this book every year without fail.
I will confess to currently being on a nostalgic Hardy Boys binge…no regrets.
It’s been the same three since I was about 14:
The Blue Castle, by LM Montgomery
Evelina, by Fanny Burney
Strong Poison, by Dorothy Sayers
I don’t know if I will ever grow tired of these.
Seconding The Blue Castle! I did not discover this book until I was an adult but I read it at least once a year.
Thirding Blue Castle/
THE BLUE CASTLE
Also Strong Poison!
Based on our compatibility with these I’m thinking I need to go find Evelina
SAME HERE
Me three!
Evelina, yaaaaay!
Peter and Harriet, yaaaay!
The Casson family books by Hilary Mckay and Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life by Wendy Mass.
The Exiles series by Hilary McKay is also lovely.
Elizabeth Peters’ Crocodile on the Sandbank because my hardcore fave heroine of all time is Amelia Peabody, who is an Egyptologist and feminist who solves mysteries and absolutely will hit you with her parasol if you get in her way.
The Sherwood Ring by Elizabeth Marie Pope, which you might think is about Robin Hood but no, it’s about Colonial America and ghosts and women outsmarting dudes, even though the ending is old fashioned I love it.
To Say Nothing of the Dog by Connie Willis, time travel and dry humour and all the jokes about Victorian England.
The Warrior’s Apprentice by Lois McMaster Bujold, a teenage genius with physical disabilities accidentally forms his own fleet of space mercenaries.
Amelia washes the camels. I love her so very much. I also love just how many secret Amelia references there are in books written after that one came out. I should also mention that my feelings about Emerson are just too complicated for words.
And she cleans out that little girl’s cut! And puts clean blankets on the donkeys! She’s the best.
Would you mind naming some references for me? I was really intrigued because I love Peters’ (or Michaels’) work and was always bummed that nobody much talked about her influence, when (for example) Gail Carriger’s Parasol Protectorate series wouldn’t exist without Amelia Peabody.
I’ve never properly articulated it to anyone but Emerson is my top choice for best fictional love interest. From his description, physical prowess, and his way of speaking you’d think he’s this alpha male jerkface, but no! He’s competent but doesn’t mind looking ridiculous and he has no problem with intelligent women. He just wants everyone to classify their potsherds. Not only is he aware of his emotions, he secretly has a gooey centre made entirely of treacle. I love that Amelia had to make the first move to talk to him but he was first to say he loved her, I love that he argued himself into kissing her because he thought he was going to get shot, I love that he played matchmaker for Walter and Evelyn in the most annoying way possible, I love how socially awkward he is when he’s not on a dig. I have so very many feelings about Amelia and Emerson.
Yes! I love the series, and I love Amelia and Emerson. I love how their love for each other is the central relationship in each other’s lives, and how she obviously loves her kids but for her, it’s Emerson all the way. Amelia Peabody will always have a very special place in my heart, my mom used to listen to the books on tape (Barbra Rosenblat’s rendition adds SO MUCH to the experience) when she would cart 5-year old me around in the car, so I can’t think of a time period when Amelia wasn’t in my life.
ARE YOU ME?! Amelia Peabody, Connie Willis, and the Vorkosigan Saga?!?!?! Those are literally three of my five favorite book-things in the universe
I dunno, if you’re also drinking white wine because your feet hurt, we could be brain twins!
What are your other two faves? Be warned, if you say Diana Wynne-Jones and Georgette Heyer I might look into whether I was secretly adopted.
DWJ is AMAZING, I tout her greatness to anyone that will listen. Excluding her plays and a couple of her picture books, I’ve read EVERYTHING by her, except for the first and last books she ever wrote. Since the first one was the first, and not really the same as any of the other books she wrote, I kind of want to read it *before* the last book she wrote, so that the last new book of hers I read isn’t a letdown in any way, but it stays at like $300 on amazon and ebay, and I don’t make nearly enough money to be willing to spend that on a book I’m reading for the sake of being a completionist.
Vorkosigan books are my most frequent comfort reads, although I’ll drop in at various points in the series — mostly Warrior’s Apprentice, Vor Game, Cetaganda, Memory, and A Civil Campaign. So good, every time.
harry potter, obviously.
and john green’s looking for alaska, which i feel certain i would hate had i not read it at the perfect moment of middle school, by flashlight sneakily in the bathroom. it is so angsty and sad and hopeful and funny and excellent.
That’s exactly how I feel about John Green. I read him exactly when I need to.
I feel all his subsequent books (yes, even Fault) are just pale imitations of Looking for Alaska, which I also found at the exact right teenaged moment.
Meg Cabot’s The Boy Next Door. A fun mistaken-identity romance told through emails, from like 2000, and I tend to read it when I’m sick because it takes no brain power but has high amusement and distraction value.
Helene Hanff’s 84, Charing Cross Road. A true story about the kindness of strangers and booklovers heartens me so very much, and Helene is hilarious.
I also have a bookmark permanently placed for a particular passage in Georgette Heyer’s Friday’s Child, because it never fails to crack me up, so when I only have time for a paragraph of comfort, I read that. (It’s the paragraph describing Gil Ringwood delivering Hero to her wedding, and how proud he is to manage that without acquiring any livestock along the way.)
Oh I love the Boy Next Door! I wonder if it translates well onto a Kindle with the different fonts.
Good question! I just peeked at the preview of the Kindle edition, and the format looked smashed together and a bit difficult to read. 🙁
re: Boy Next Door, have you read Rainbow Rowell’s Attachments? It has a very similar feel, to me: also a cute romance set among newspaper staff in 1999/2000 (the management freaking out about Y2K is recurring joke), but in the Midwest and with dorkier protagonists.
I haven’t! It looks adorable. I’ll have to check it out.
Attachments is probably my favorite of Rowell’s books. It’s just so weird and crazy and lovely.
I love re-reading Cabot’s princess diaries and queen of babble series when I need sweet comfort reads.
I still think that the first three or four Princess Diaries books are really good (the quality definitely declines later on, but the earliest books are great).
I have been meaning to read that Hanff book for like 15 years and seeing it here I have gone to the library and was about to download the ebook but it is only available in Spanish? Tragic! So I put a request in for the paper book to be sent to me, but I am sad at the lack of instant gratification.
84 Charing Cross Road sent me and a friend into a tailspin of buying books off the Good Shelves at used bookstores, which was bad for my budget but excellent for my sense of pleasure in handling books. What a wonderful little book that was.
Hanff wrote several other delightful books and I recommend them ALL.
Goodness, do I love 84, Charing Cross Road. I used to read it out loud with a friend, which is truly a delightful way to read it.
That sounds like an awesome method of enjoying it.
I love 84 Charing Cross Road and The Boy Next Door. Have you read the others written in the same series, Boy Meets Girl and Every Boy’s Got One?
I have! I liked the second one, but I didn’t like the last one as much, though now I can’t remember why.
I didn’t either, for some reason, but the first two were quite good.
Anything by Jane Austen, I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith, and Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbons. Flora Poste feels the same way about parties as I do:
“Mary, you know I hate parties. My idea of hell is a very large party in a cold room where everybody has to play hockey properly.”
Gibbons is so fantastic!
That is one of my favorite quotes ever.
Sunshine by Robin McKinley. The Abhorsen trilogy. Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and the late, lamented Terry Pratchett. An absolutely trashy S&M tinged trilogy that I’m embarrassed to name here.
Abhorsen trilogy yes yes. Feeling a bit down? Time to read about kicking zombie ass, doin’ spells and rescuing hot naked men from magical imprisonment. And the other two are great too, but it’s Sabriel that always brings me back.
I love and adore Sabriel, but somehow come back to Lirael more often — a library full of magic, a girl isolated by systems that don’t account for her presence (I guess I’m mostly there for the Clayr stuff)…
YES. Lirael is my jam.
I still sometimes have dreams where I’m wandering through the Library of the Clayr with the Disreputable Dog. It’s like a hug from my brain.
I FORGOT ABOUT SUNSHINE. Oooh, my copy is so very very battered.
The baked goods descriptions always make me so hungry.
LM Montgomery’s Emily books. (Anne is okay, Emily is my heart.)
Also, pretty much anything by Diane Wynn Jones, and most of the mid-late Terry Pratchett.
“Emily is my heart” wait. Are you me?
Well, are you eating tacos right now?
Does it count if I wish I was eating tacos?
Hmm, perhaps?
woo! fellow Emilys!
I love nearly everything written by Walter Moers.
He’s a german fantasy writer and the world building and animals in his book are insanely clever and soothing!
Has anyone else ever read any of his stuff?
My favorite is probably Rumo, my paperback copy is all bent out of shape from return readings.
Lord of the Rings, which I have read cover to cover a few times, and often kind of dip in to it when I need some heart warming (because its too long to commit to a full reading when you dont have a bunch of time, and the Ents, man, the Ents.)
A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson, which I guess is weird because its not only non fiction but 10 years out of date non fiction, but I read it when I need reminding that the world is big and strange and beautiful.
Also Robin Hobb’s oeuvre but that’s not so much for comfort as for times when I need to put myself through eons of emotional torture.
I have only read them once, but I am 100% certain that Jaclyn Moriarty’s _The Colours of Madeline_ trilogy will be these sorts of books for me, they were just so perfect in all ways.
Otherwise are standard comfort books: _The Sword of Winter_ by Marta Randall, _A Different Light_ by Elizabeth Lynn, most of Angela Thirkell’s pre-1945 books (although a few of them are harrowing instead of comforting), all 3 Ivory books by Doris Egan… most of these we haven’t actually read in quite a while.
And hmn, Steven Brust’s Vlad Taltos books — I wouldn’t have thought of them as comfort, but they are the books we have read most often in our life.
The Night Circus, Howl’s Moving Castle, Tam Lin by Pamela Dean, The Goblin Emperor, Sarah Caudwell’s Hilary Tamar mysteries
Ahhhg, I love Sarah Caudwell! I picked one up only because I collect books that have Edward Gorey covers, but then when I actually read it… sheer hilarity and brilliance!
L. M. Montgomery’s Jane of Lantern Hill & Emily trilogy
Mary Anne Shaffer & Annie Barrows’ Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
Jane Eyre
Shirley Jackson. I comfort oddly.
Also objectively awful YA series of my (late eighties/early nineties) youth, in particular the obscure Secret of the Unicorn Queen, which my best friend and I still reference heavily in text message.
I just got my copy of Let Me Tell You yesterday and I am sooooo excited.
Mostly I just pick up new books cause there are so many I want to read, but I do re-read The Sandman series every so often and have re-read The Princess Bride a number of times (if not lately). I think Lathe of Heaven is a book I read semi-recently that will go into the comfort read list as well.
I love Anthony Burgess’s “Enderby” novels (about a minor poet who spends a lot of time ensconced in a tiny lavatory, writing), and re-read them every couple of years.
He’s my Problematic Fave, to be sure, and I don’t really know exactly why I relate to them so strongly or find them comforting. It’s something about his use of language.
Also, he’s notable for using the word “onions” three times in a row, in a perfectly grammatically correct sentence. It’s a thing of beauty.
Sunshine!!!! Second only to my deep, unending love of The Blue Sword. Why are we not all gallopng across the desert?! Also second the love for Howl’s Moving Castle, Sabriel, Elizabeth Peters (although Vicky Bliss is my fave over Amelia), and Dorothy Sayers. Haven’t seen a shoutout for my all-time fave, though: Dorothy Dunnett! Any other Lymond fans on the Toast?
Dorothy Dunnett fan here!! I have tried recommending Lymond to others, but Game of Kings is so rich and dense that I can understand why people have a hard time getting into it if they’re not willing to take on the language, and I can’t really tell people to start with book two. I started with Nicholas myself, but Lymond is my favorite even though he’s infuriating.
The Call of the Wild. It was in a boxed set of Puffin Children’s Classics my mum bought me when I was 5, and as an undiagnosed autistic kid relating more to dogs than people I worked my way through it not understanding what half the words meant and have loved it ever since. There’s nothing like the feeling of returning to a well-loved book, is there? I love being welcomed by the first line and feeling myself settle in.
This comment got really long, so I’m putting the second half of it in a reply.
First: Can anyone clarify if there will be an Open Thread on July 1? I know The Announcement said The Toast would be closing July 1 (ugh I don’t even like to type that), but I’m not sure if that means it will be closed on July 1 or if July 1 is the last day. If June 24 will be our last OT (it seems so terrible getting through that last week of June knowing there will be no OT at the end), I will do my damnedest to get clevermanka.net up and running at least to offer a place for weeping and gnashing of teeth on that Friday. If there will be an OT on the 1st, I’ll breathe a great sigh of relief and launch the site on July 5.
Obviously there is no way I can or will attempt to mimic The Toast with my little blog. After taking much too long to ponder The Goals of The Website (much easier to ponder nebulous ideas than deal with the details of horrible WordPress templates or, you know, actually write something), I decided the best approach would be a personal one on living my best life. It’s embarassingly cheesy, but although I’m monumentally distressed at The Toast closing, I can’t deny the loss spurred me to action on taking a chance at major positive changes in my life. The Toast and its commentariat have helped me learn to live as my best self and I don’t want to stop that momentum.
Thanks to Toasties, I’m not doing this completely alone, either! Burningupasun offered to write a This Week in Feminist History post which will post every Monday morning and Sausagedog will provide a fashion help/tips post monthly or every-other-month (she’ll be taking questions, too, and I’ll include details about that in the first post of that feature). I also have gracious friends who offered to write guest spots for me (they’re all doing it for free, bless them).
I can’t lie and say I’m not terrified at doing this, but the support I’ve recieved from all the Toasties here (not just about my own website, but in general, everywhere, all the time) has bolstered me through several crises of confidence. Thank you all, and I hope some of you will mosey over to my new place and find it interesting enough to stick around for a while.
this makes me so happy I actually teared up. I’m glad that this community will continue on in some form.
I truly love this place and I’m glad that Feminist History posts will live on in particular.
<3
Thank you!! I’m excited to keep writing those.
I’m not super active in the comments here, but I just wanted to let you know that I’m super glad you’re doing this, and I’ll definitely be a regular reader, and maybe an occasional commenter, and MAYBE even an eventual contributor (??!?!?) if I can ever come up with a good idea.
Yay for you! Good luck!
*blushes, runs away*
Me too, me too!
Please let me know if I can help in any way! I look forward to reading!
I’m so excited!!
Looking forward to it!
This is so wonderful and I’m happy to help if there’s anything I can do. If so, feel free to shoot me a line at fenixdawntoast at gmail
Yay! I’m so excited for this project, and your plans sound great. If you’re looking for contributors, I would be happy to contribute some book- or spirituality-related content.
Thank you, bb! Drop me a line if you like: [email protected] and we can talk details.
I have a piece I’ve been thinking about, on being a fat girl at a mainstream gym, that’s kind of half-funny, half-serious?
That would be great! Please email me so I have the info somewhere other than here on OT!
Just want to say I would be absolutely interested in reading such a piece.
Great! (And is your name Dorine. Because that’s close to my name.)
It isn’t. . . Dorine was the first alias I used on message boards back in the dark ages of the internet (for some reason, even though I was an idiot in so many ways, I knew not to use my real name for some of that nonsense). I stole it from Tartuffe. 🙂
nothing to add, just: ugh, you’re the best. We’re so lucky to have you
Aw, bb, I’m so lucky to have all of you! It’s no exaggeration to say I wouldn’t have even thought about doing all of this if it wasn’t for my beloved Toasties.
(that gif. every. time. all. the. pantsfeels.)
Is she kissing Tommy Wiseau?!
It’s Tom Hiddleston, in Only Lovers Left Alive.
Love that film.
I love you and wish I had the balls to write for you.
Who knows, maybe you will someday! Like I mentioned to jwhittz above, I never would have considered doing this without the community and support I’ve experienced here.
Yay! I am also trying to start my best life randomness website inspired by so many people here and it is scary but exciting and I hope I can come bug you a lot.
Congratulations! And yes, please do bug me! I think having a list of Toastie blogs listed somewhere on the site would be A Very Good Thing to do…thank you for that thought!
Oh gosh, how exciting! I love reading & following your tumblr, so I already know that the blog/site will be awesome.
Also, iiiiiif you ever want tarot post thingies, I’m your person!
I am definitely taking pitches for one-off pieces! If you want to email me ([email protected]), I’ll be sure to put you on the list to receive the email about submission policies (I need to research and write that this week). I’ll post it on OT, too, but don’t want you to miss it so please do email me so I have your contact info.
Manka, you are extremely witches. Just so, so very witches.
This is so wonderful! Thank you for working on this…I’m looking forward to reading (and maybe even writing for?!?!?! if I can get up the nerve) it!
<3 obamilton <3
Oh thank god I couldn’t do without Manka gifs.
I’ve been wondering about that as well! Maybe repost the question in the Link Roundup on Monday or later in the Toast Points where the Nicoles might see it.
And I’m so excited for clevermanka.net!! Also I’ve been thinking about buying one of your bloomers, but I’m not sure about the sizing because American measurements. “40” at the hip and fits up to 36″ hips.” means neither my hips nor thighs should be more than 40”, right?
Oh, good call on asking that during a Link Roundup. I’ll do that on Monday, thank you!
The difference in the size of the garment vs. the size of your hips is to allow for ease since the bloomers don’t stretch and are designed to be roomy/baggy. If you have 40″ hips (or at the top of your thighs if you’re wider there), you definitely don’t want a non-stretch garment that only measures 40″. Does that make sense? If it would help, find a pair of non-stretch fabric pajama pants that feel comfortable and measure them at the hip. That’ll be your target number for size.
CleverManka’s bloomers are so great! Cannot recommend highly enough.
Yay and thank you!
I’m excited for this too! I look forward to being a part of this community.
Yay!!!
I will go ahead and say that if you’re interested in some guest posts on science and environment, I would be so happy to contribute!! I could also just gush for days about how amazing the Toast has been for me and how much I love your gifs.
Yay!!!!!
That would be fantastic! Please drop me a line: [email protected].
SUPER enthusiastic about this.
Hi beloveds! Happy Friday! I’m starting the detailed planning and ticket-purchasing phase of my September travels soon, and would love your input.
First stop is Chicago, for about a week. Then, Montana, likely Helena. I’ll be working on a farm – it’s yet to be confirmed but I think it will be with this older couple who have ALPACAS and lots of experience hosting volunteers and who say they usually take their guests to Yellowstone for a day. (This is my main reason for picking them, as I cannot drive and have no way to get to Yellowstone alone. They also are Very Christian, have a BAJILLION grown children, and request that I go with them to church, which I actually think will be very interesting. My plan is to be cheerful about their attempts to convert me but avoid political discussions like the plague.)
Anyway, next is Seattle for less than a week. Then, if I save enough, a lovely coastal train ride down to San Francisco for a few days. (If I can’t afford it, either bus or plane.) Debating on adding Colorado before I return home to NYC. So! Anyone have any advice on traveling alone, tips on planning/packing, or specific city recommendations? Legit, Chicago-Montana-Seattle-SanFran Toasties, I trust your judgment more than almost anyone and if anyone wants to meet up I’d be very interested.
I live in MT, so if you want specific recs for the southwestern MT area, hit me up at thujaplicatamt at gmail dot come
Oh my goodness, YES. I will be in touch! Thank you very much.
suspect you know this already, but san francisco is consistently colder than you expect it to be! you can spot the tourists because they have to buy overpriced sf sweatshirts and fleeces to stave off the fog-cold.
I haaate having to buy overpriced oops-I’m-too-cold clothing. Thank you for the reminder!
Traveling alone is the best way to travel. Make sure you bring plenty of things to listen to (I think I binged half of Radiolab on my drive across the country) and lots of snacks. My other piece of advice is don’t be afraid to cancel if you pull up to your hotel/Airbnb and it doesn’t feel as safe as you wanted. (This happened to me – I thought I had booked a hotel room, and it turned out it was a motel, and it was super sketchy so I just ditched it and found a nearby cheap hotel to stay in instead.) Have fun!!
This was important to hear. I will trust my gut and give myself permission to change plans if they’re giving me a wonky feeling. Thank you for that, really!!
As someone who grew up in Colorado I gotta give it a big ol THUMBS UP as a place to visit! It’s beautiful there, and Boulder is close enough to Denver to make it easy to get to, but also close enough to the mountains that you have great hiking trails! It’s also very dry, so even when it gets hot, it’s not overbearing since there’s no humidity.
So yeah, hometown plug for Boulder, CO. If you need convincing, just google “boulder flatirons” to check out the mountains the city is right at the foot of.
I live near NYC now, and just miss it terribly sometimes.
Ahhh I really hope I can extend the trip to get there! I’ve been to CO as a wee child and remember loving it! Mountains and hiking, mmm so lovely. I’m from NYC, living here now, and I can see why you’d miss it…
I second the AirBnB in a non-downtown neighborhood. Lincoln Square (where I live) is really nice and quiet but can be a little bit of a pain to get downtown/elsewhere in the city (about 45-60 mins to downtown). My favorite restaurant in the whole city is Big Jones in Andersonville for “classy Southern”(?) food. I also very strongly recommend the Chicago History Museum as an not-in-museum-campus-but-still-awesome museum. Of the main museums in museum campus, Shedd is probably my favorite and most worth the gobs of money it costs (though they are all fantastic, obviously. Shedd is just my favorite and I would be more than happy to give you a tour of all my favorite Shedd things. My biggest regret is letting my membership lapse). If you think you want to hit all the museums, the CityPASS is expensive but overall a pretty good deal.
Otherwise, the architecture river tour is definitely worth going on and you can usually get a Groupon to it, and there’s this free Chicago Greeter walking tour program (http://chicagogreeter.com/) that I’ve never used but have heard good things. For deep dish, I recommend Lou Malnati’s over Giordano’s.
Uhhh, what else? I love Chicago. Ask me anything.
AHHH my reply through gmail never worked!!! I’m so glad I was looking at this thread again. Thank you so much for the recommendations, I will definitely be taking them to heart. Any favorite Chicago book stores?
I tend to rent books more than I buy them (thanks, moving every single year for the first 3/4 of my 20s) so I’d recommend a visit to Harold Washington Library downtown. They have an indoor garden on their 9th floor and an extensive art collection that they do tours of. But if it’s a bookstore you want, I did a quick search and I guess the Book Cellar near me in Lincoln Square is the #1 indie bookstore in Chicago according to Travel and Leisure… I’m embarrassed to say I haven’t been in 🙁
I recommend you drive through / stop in Missoula, MT on your way to Seattle! It’s my hometown and just the hippest and most beautiful city in Montana as far as I’m concerned.
Missoula looks amazing, there’s a farm there that’s my back up plan if the one in Helena falls through! I hope to see it 🙂
Ooo, I love train trips! As a heads up, the section from Seattle to SF Bay Area (the Coast Starlight) does not take a literal coastal route. The only sightings of the Pacific are all south of the stop in San Luis Obispo, CA. But it is still a lovely train ride! Alternatively, the Empire Builder can get you from Montana to Seattle by way of gorgeous Glacier National Park. This train also has volunteer Trail and Rail guides in the observation car (until mid-Sept anyway) and usually they are very friendly and knowledgeable
Happy planning!
WOW. Thank you so much for this! IIIIII had no idea the Coast Starlight’s coastal sections were limited to south of San Luis Obispo. I will certainly be checking out this Empire Builder you speak of, sounds pretty lovely.
I second the Empire Builder! My grandparents live in Helena, MT and I live in Seattle, and that’s the train they take when they come to visit me & my parents. I would also suggest checking out the cathedral and the capitol building. As for restaurants, try MacKenzie River Pizza Co. They have a few locations around the state and I’ve liked everyone I’ve been to. My sister went to college in Helena and suggests Taco del Sol or Cafe Zydeco.
As for Seattle, look for an AirBnB in the University District. Rentals tend to be cheaper there and you are close to the light rail and several major bus lines. Fremont & Ballard are great neighborhoods to explore and Fremont especially has some great, cheap food. Email me at corenas at comcast dot net if you’d like more Seattle & Helena info 🙂
Thank you so much!
I need Toastie help navigating the world of corporate leadership. (God I’m going to miss this when it’s gone, I love you people.)
I’m at a start-up, and it’s very chill – pop into the CEO’s office, kind of thing. But a) we’re growing rapidly this year – we’ve gone from 30 employees to over 100 – and b) I’m being groomed for a leadership role, and it’s clear they’re kind of wondering if I can create the necessary boundaries that delineate one level of the company from the next.
Problem is, those levels don’t currently exist. They’re forming right now, and I imagine most people are figuring out what the general rules for management are and then adjusting them to fit our company culture. I know the company culture, but I don’t know the general rules of management. I worked for myself for 10 years. The last time I observed a large office at work, I was 20, and not really paying attention.
So here’s my question for Toasties: can you give me some books to read that you’ve found helpful in navigating the rules of corporate politics? I’d love it if they were more on the hippie woo-woo side, since that’s likely to be where my company comes down on this, but I need some sort of general foundation. I need to know what the rules are so I can break them judiciously.
I will also gladly take general anecdotal advice from Toasties who had to learn how to take a leadership role. Here’s the kind of thing I’m struggling with: I like my boss very much. We have a friendly rapport, and I feel comfortable taking my problems to him and joking around with him. But I would never, say, ask him to grab a drink after work, because despite the friendly rapport, he is not my friend.
How did he do that? How did he make that boundary exist so firmly that I abide by it without even really noticing it was there? And how did he do it while simultaneously being friendly and encouraging and treating me as a presumptive peer?
The corporate world is very mysterious to me, Toasties. Help me out.
I found the book mentioned in this link helpful. http://www.lindseypollak.com/3-steps-to-becoming-…
Oh, this looks great, I’ve just downloaded it from my library. Thank you!
Do you read Ask a Manager? If not, start now! Good luck!
Hullo! I love work! I’m going to put my email address in a comment so we can talk via that format as I need to dash soon.
Good books on leadership:
Managing Humans by Michael Lopp – tech focussed but relevant for all areas
The No Asshole Rule by Bob Sutton – Bob Sutton is my favourite management thinker. This is also good on setting boundaries, even if that is not the main topic.
I’ve not read it yet, but I hear that Siblings Without Rivalry is very good as a guide for managing more than one person! Maybe I’ll read that soon and get back to you on what I think.
Please do come back and give me your email address! I would love to chat.
So let me start by saying that this approach might not work for you. It sounds to me, though, like your boss’ approach to leadership and boundary-setting is something that you really admire and would like to emulate. Can you just ask him directly about those things? It sounds like he has some wisdom to share, and based on your good working relationship, it wouldn’t surprise me at all if he was very willing to share his approach with you. Not that you can (or should!) do everything that he does, but if you admire his approach, getting a chance to pick his brain directly could be really valuable. Depending on your relationship with him and your overall company culture, that might not be something you can do easily, of course, and you certainly know way better than I do if asking for that kind of direct contact is feasible for you.
Books, training, and experience are all incredibly important parts of professional development, to be sure. But I’d say that having a good mentor is just as valuable as each of the above, and perhaps more so.
I can indeed pick his brain directly. He’s made it clear he wants to be a resource for me and that he’s cultivating me for the position I’m working toward. What I’m trying to do is give myself more of a foundation for understanding how a larger corporation works, because I don’t have experience in that area. I’m fine with asking him questions like “I’m struggling in this area and could use some advice” but at the moment, I don’t know what areas I’m even attempting to tackle.
I’d rather get a bit of an idea of what I ought to be doing and ask his advice on how to go about it, rather than asking him what I should be doing. The former seems like advice my boss should be giving me; the latter feels like I’m asking him to hold my hand, and I neither need that nor think it’s a good way to present myself.
Example: I know I need to set boundaries. I’m totally comfortable asking him how he goes about setting boundaries. I would not be comfortable asking him something as broad as “so how does one go about managing a department?” That’s asking him to do my job for me, and if I can’t come up with a reasonable set of parameters on my own, I’m probably not suited to a leadership position. I don’t mind asking advice; I do mind asking for him to present me with a step-by-step guide to my own career. What I’m doing right now is asking for resources on self-education, so he doesn’t have to explain the nuts and bolts to me and he and I can then collaborate on fine-tuning my specific approach.
That’s totally fair, and what you’re saying makes a whole lot of sense. I was thinking more about those specific items like setting boundaries, rather than the “How do I do this job?” sorts of questions – as you say, you definitely want to be mindful of what message you’re sending when you ask those questions!
In any case, it’s awesome that you have the opportunity to ask a colleague who you respect quite a bit to serve as a mentor as you prepare for the new role. Congrats on that well-deserved next step, and good luck!
Not a manager, but when my office was in the midst of frustrating and stressful upheaval that resulted in a lot of management change, I bought Multipliers by Liz Wiseman. I found it helpful in guiding my own behaviour toward my co-workers.
Later I discovered that my sister, who is a respected company VP, has the same book so I consider that a very good endorsement!
This is tricky, yo. I’ve always worked in management, but at my last job I was very suddenly thrust into much closer contact with the people I manage (traveling together, etc), and drawing those boundaries was hard. I didn’t do great at it because I didn’t realize what was happening, and my employees ended up creating a lot of the boundaries for me. So good for you for thinking about this at all!
I might suggest Creativity Inc as a good read – it’s by the president of Pixar and has a lot of insight into how they balance a very creative environment with actually behaving like a business.
i have liked tom peters a lot, he is a management writer who talks a lot about listening and enabling employees rather than imposing yourself as a leader. plus he values design as part of every process. i don’t have a book in mind but maybe one of his titles will stand out to you.
I know there is a great crop of archivists and librarians here: Anyone planning to attend SAA in Atlanta? It’ll be my first one and I’m excited/nervous!
Yes!! I’ll be there – and will also be taking the Certified Archivist exam (EEEEEEK). Perhaps we need a toast meetup at SAA?? Somewhere air-conditioned, so we can continue to wear our sensible cardigans?
I wish I were taking the Certified Archivist Exam but I missed the registration deadline!
I would love a Toast meetup! Let’s organize something for us cardigan-wearers!
Neither an archivist nor a librarian, but an ATL-ien and cardigan wearer, so I’m happy to provide suggestions and would love to tag along to a meet up.
I mentioned this in one of the makeshift open threads last week, but signal boosting in the official spot: My lawyer friend and I (a rom-com fan) have teamed up to do an Ally McBeal recap blog: https://theunisexbathroom.wordpress.com/. Since there have been Toast discussions about the joy of obsessive recaps, I figured I’d link it here. We’re updating Wednesdays and Sundays, so we have a pretty good pace going.
Thank you! I have been bummed about how Ally just does not stand up at all so this will be cathartic.
Today is my last day at a fine-but-boring job I’ve had for almost five years. Next week, I start a new job with much better pay, a much shorter commute, and a mission I actually have some personal interest in. ****sunglasses emoji****
Yay yay yay congrats!!
I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU <3
Yaassss!!! All the sunglasses emojis for you!!!
Congratulations!
Good day, friends, this week I took my cat to get a lion cut and she lasted five minutes before becoming too stressed for the groomer to continue.
Poor kitty!
I saw these photos on twitter and even having seen them before they are still so amazing.
Oh my….I don’t mean to laugh at your poor stressed kitty, but that second picture is comedy GOLD.
You realize she’s plotting a devious feline revenge, don’t you? Be wary this weekend….
Oh, poor thing! Glad the groomer was sensitive to her distress and stopped, but oh oh oh poor half-trimmed kitty!
#NotHavingIt #InverseMohawk
OH NO I AM CRYING FROM HOW SAD/HILARIOUS THE POOR SMOOCHEMS IS!
Beautiful, absurd kitty. We are getting our Maine Coon a lion cut and I suspect it will go about as well as this.
(Also: When we found her under her porch she was scrawny and mostly bald. From the moment we decided to keep her I’ve been looking forward to doing a before/after photo of her all fluffy and majestic. But if I get her a lion cut it won’t be the same! I mean, she no longer has sad eyes and you can tell she isn’t emaciated, and her majestic tail will still be there but alas).
Oh she has the silhouette of a furry feline tortoise!
I am laughing out loud at work. I’m so sorry, my ragged and majestic little friend, I should not laugh at your misfortune.
Aww, poor buddy! This happened to the family dog when I was a kid (actually, my mom just decided to do the haircut herself– how hard can it be to groom a collie, right?) and I guess he noticed us laughing at him afterwards because he kept moping around and trying to hide. We had to put a shirt on him to make him feel better.
I’m laughing so hard that there are tears. My coworker is concerned.
Poor baby but that is so funny!
I want to get my persian that cut because all he does in the summers is lay around on his back looking hilarious/adorable, but he’s probably just overheating.
She has the haircut of a beautiful schnauzer!
Oh noez! That did not go as planned.
Potato got super stressed out about grooming as well- we had to really work to get his feet and tummy done, so now it’s just his head and chest that are ridiculous floof while the rest of him is a french fry. People keep asking me when I’m going to get it finished and I’m like ‘… maybe not ever?’
Poor baby! But I love when their skin has the same markings as their fur. That’s so fascinating. Why were you going to get her a lion cut? Because of hot summer? I have a medium haired cat who hates to be brushed and gets all matted, and I’ve decided it’s better for our relationship just to get the vets to trim her mats, only now it’s a LOT of mats and I’m wondering if the vet will tell me to take her to a groomer instead, which would be my first time. I hope I don’t have to get her shaved all over.
Hello Toasts! What are we reading this week? I am finally freeeeeeeee from law school, so load me up with book recs?
(My favourite book ever is the Time-Traveler’s Wife, followed closely by Free Food for Millionaires and Gaudy Night, anyone who can find anything close to any of them would have my undying love and affection.)
I recently finished Helen Simonson’s The Summer Before the War, and it was lovely. Some of the pleasures of DLS.
I am in the middle of Sean Howe’s Marvel Comics: The Untold Story and it is a trip. Stan Lee is also a dick. Everyone was on drugs. It’s great.
I love Marvel everything, but I am so glad that my completely unfounded sense that Stan Lee is a dick is accurate. Definitely TBR.
I just finished My Brilliant Friend. It was as good as everyone said it would be, but different from what I expected, and I can’t wait to pick up the next one.
And now I’m reading Where’d You Go Bernadette, and it’s really funny and light and just what I wanted after a fairly serious book!
Still working my way through The Goldfinch– a couple quick plane trips made for some quality reading time, only to obliterate my reading time playing catch up the following week. I’m camping this weekend and hope to finish it by the lake.
I’m still enjoying it but I am maybe beginning to see how it might transform into something people don’t like. We’ll see! So far I’m still totally intrigued and love the characters and characterization.
Baudolino by Umberto Eco, which is fantastic and less work than The Name of the Rose.
Oh man, Baudolino’s a trip!
I heart Baudolino. (Both the book and the character.)
Hello! I don’t think I’ve talked to anyone else who read Free Food for Millionaires! It’s been awhile since I read it, but I really enjoyed it. Casey’s job woes were a little to Real Life but I was invested in her story and fascinated by her glimpse into the financial world.
Along those lines–realistic contemporary fiction that borders on Too Real–you might like The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P. which is Too Real about douchy white male writers, or Everything I Never Told You which is Too Real about families hurting each other while trying to love each other.
Going off your Time Traveler’s Wife selection (love story with a fantasy element), you might like A Tale for Time Being (Too Real about modern life with a fantasy element) or Unbecoming (love story with an implausible crime element).
Eeeeeeeeeee, I have also never talked to anyone who has read FFfM! I love it so much, I am a big rereader just like Casey, so have read it >6 times. I love her thing about how smart women can love clothing and beauty and that it doesn’t detract from her smartness, and also ELLA, who is so much more interesting than she has any right to be. (I could talk about this book for DAYS, will now shut up.)
I loved A Tale for the Time Being, also My Year of Meats by the same author, but everything else I will pick up, thank you!
No need to stop going on about it! I have been thinking about picking it up again actually, and you’re making a good case in favor of that. I also was pretty struck by the bits about fashion! I think about the “dress like a column” advice all the time, even though it is not possible for a woman of my figure, but it is a really striking image.
I am also not at all column-shaped, which I like, but it is such fascinating advice. I dress a bit like Ella; when Casey called her “a beautiful preppy nun”, that stuck in my head.
I also love Casey’s point that she dresses so well and carefully because it stops people from seeing her race and making assumptions about her, even assumptions which happen to be accurate in her case; it is so thoughtful about the impact clothing has on women’s lives and the way we’re perceived.
I’m not familiar with those books, but if you’ve never read about Flavia, I can confidently recommend The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradley. It (and its sequels) is a fun, easy read, and Flavia as the main character is a delight in every way.
yes yes yes
I just finished Mishell Baker’s Borderline, and it was great. It’s about the Arcadia Project in Los Angeles, which controls travel between our world and fairyland; every single character is deeply messed up and it’s painful but also amazing.
I’m reading Hilary Mantel’s An Experiment in Love, which lacks confusing “he, Cromwell” pronouns but includes such savagely accurate descriptions that I’m a bit terrified of ever being in the room with the author.
A friend recommended Serve the People, by Jen Lin-Liu, which is great but will make you very hungry for good xiao long bao.
And recent Nobel winner Svetlana Alexievich’s Voices from Chernobyl is…I hesitate to say “good,” because it’s a weak and paltry word against what the book is. The book makes a weight in the world; it is awful; it is necessary; it should never have been needed; it is horrible; it is human; it is beyond human imagination. It’s one of those rare books that every adult in the world ought to read and that is so painful that you can’t exactly say you recommend it.
An Experiment in Love is hands down my favorite book ever! It’s not often I find a person in literature who also constantly has bits of poetry and literature running through her head AND a focus on hot feminist issues (and is working class to boot!). Her description of every woman knowing the cost of an abortion during their reproductive years is chilling in it’s accuracy.
Svetlana Alexievich’s work it all outstanding, and Voices from Chernobyl and Zinky Boys hit home the hardest for me. Anyone who knows anything about our current issues in Afghanistan will find Zinky Boys uncanny, because it is literally a text book case of history repeating itself.
Also, why hasn’t all her work been re-issued? She won the Nobel Prize and I still can’t find a copy of War’s Unwomanly Face for sale at a reasonable (less than $1,000) price! It is a travesty.
Hear hear on War’s Unwomanly Face; surely with publishing being in such a perilous financial state it would be a no-brainer? But I dunno. (I’d read the Strugatskys’ Roadside Picnic a few weeks before Voices, and it’s freakishly prescient and unsettling. It’s not an enjoyable book, but it’s important too.)
Mantel’s _An Experiment in Love_ is fantastic, isn’t it? We loved _Wolf Hall_ and thought it was phenomenal but AEIL is phenomenal in a totally different way and really solidified my belief I should read absolutely all her books.
I’m reading The Queen of the Night by Alexander Chee – objectively I know it’s good but unfortunately it’s turned into a bit of a slog for me 🙁 I have 100 pages more and I just want it to end already, sigh. Maybe I’m not in the right reading headspace for it right now.
I finally started The Raven Boys by Maggie Stiefvater and am chomping through at a brisk speed. It’s a good summer read.
I just started In the Time of the Butterflies by Julia Alvarez and am listening to Smoke Gets in Your Eyes by Caitlin Doughty
Oh, I’ve been wanting to read Smoke Gets In Your Eyes. I just listened to Caitlin Doughty on the new podcast version of Adam Ruins Everything, and it’s a really good interview.
I highly recommend the audiobook! She narrates it really fantastically, and it’s only about 8 hours.
I started reading How to be a Tudor by Ruth Goodman this week. It is lovely and delightful and I just wish it had some line drawing diagrams of some of the clothing and hair stuff she’s talking about.
I’m still reading A Place of Greater Safety — I had about four hours of trains and waiting rooms today and now the Terror is in full swing!
I’m also reading Lyndsey Fay’s Jane Steele, which is sort of a retelling/homage to Jane Eyre(/at this point, Nicholas Nickleby) but with (so far) 300% more deliberate murder and bisexuality on the part of the heroine (and Jane hasn’t even gotten to Thornfield yet!) It doesn’t completely succeed at evoking 19th century style (and it tries) and I am generally opposed novels that take an existing novel and “improve” it by adding the author’s idea of badassery, but I am having a lot of fun reading it.
I started reading A Place of Greater Safety and I was genuinely enjoying it, if slowly, but I left it in NZ by mistake. How’s the Terror going?
When I’m reading it, I can’t put it down and I love it, but when I’m not reading it, It’s very easy to go long stretches without reading any more. But the plots and paranoia are making it pretty psychologically and ethically intense for our intensely self-aware characters!
I started Outlander (I knowproblems)
Anyway a fortune teller already said she was gonna lead a horny life
Which I think is great?
I’ve been reading Witches by Stacy Shiff forever now. It’s good…but I may need to switch over to fluff for a bit. I don’t have the brainpower for non-fiction right now.
I am re-reading Game of Thrones for the first time since all the tv show happened (I read them all around the same time as the first season), and it is increasingly hard not to throw my ipad at the wall every time someone makes a bad decision, which is every three pages or so. STARKS WHAT ARE YOU DOING???!!? WHY IS YOUR JUDGEMENT SO COLLECTIVELY POOR??
I’m currently reading Blood Sisters: The Women Behind the Wars of the Roses by Sarah Gristwood, if you like some medieval history to go with your fiction. And for something that involves time traveling and references Dorothy Sayers a lot, I highly recommend To Say Nothing of the Dog by Connie Willis – time traveling historians from Oxford in 2060, very funny.
This week we are finishing up rereading _Wigs on The Green_ by Nancy Mitford which is even funnier this time around, and more slowly rereading _Rebecca_ (Daphne DuMaurier) for the first time in 25 years. Oh, also rereading Cynthia Heimel’s _Sex Tips For Girls_ because we couldn’t decide whether or not to keep it (yes, keeping it).
I’m reading Born with Teeth by Kate Mulgrew, [to warm up for the new season of OitNB. Surprisingly heavy shit!] Notorious RBG, Gay Berlin by Robert Beachy, [research] and Look, I Made a Hat by Sondheim [both to aide with songwriting and as a tribute to my uncle; the anniversary of his death is approaching, and he was a longtime fan and sort of friend of Sondheim].
I’m reading too many books! I need to pick a couple out of these to focus on.
I LOVE the Time Traveler’s Wife. Always a pleasure. In a similar vein (well written with deep-seated emotion, a little romance, a little worldiness, down to earth yet dramatic enough to entertain) some of my other favourites that gave me similar Feels even though they weren’t the same plot: White Oleander (Fitch), Paint it Black (Fitch), The Red Tent (Anita Diamant), The Lovely Bones (Sebold), and We Were the Mulvaneys (Oates.)
Trigger warnings for pretty much ALL those for emotional turmoil — but if you made it through Time Traveler’s Wife, you’re probably well-seasoned.
Ooh, yeah, that is some pretty good genre grouping there: White Oleander and The Lovely Bones are two other books that, like The Time-Traveler’s Wife, I had alllll the feeeeels about when I read them, and that I still think about even though I have not and probably will not re-read anytime soon, because it is sufficient for me to think back on all those feels rather than refeel them.
I’m about halfway through The House at the Edge of Night, by Catherine Banner (full disclosure, she’s my bf’s cousin, but she is an actual real professional author). 3 generations of a family on a remote Italian island, enduring world wars, love, loss, all that. Gorgeous writing.
I’m finally reading Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng, which I’ve had on my to-read list since Nikki’s Toast interview. It’s very good and very sad.
Last Saturday evening, I picked up The Fifth Season and then accidentally read the whole thing? It was so good, you guys, although in retrospect I probably could have benefited from spacing it out over at least a couple days (hello seismic event anxiety! I did not miss you!)
I did this with Kindred a couple of weekends back. It’s a good finish-entirely-in-one-weekend read.
Congratulations on being free from law school!! It’s the best feeling (apart from being free from the bar exam).
You’re doing much better than me– I was a big reader for most of my life, but I hardly read for pleasure at all for several years after law school. I think reading all those tiny footnotes ruined my eyes…
I’ve been reading a lot of Michel Faber recently. I just re-read his book “The Crimson Petal and the White” (which is a favorite of mine), and also just finished a book of three novellas by him (“The Courage Consort”). I’d highly recommend them both. I’m moving on to some of his short story collections next.
congrats on being done with law school!
oh man Stiletto (sequel to Daniel O’Malley’s Rook) just came out and I cannot WAIT to get off work and ignore the outside world for the rest of the day.
Spacewitch Retreat (formerly called Toastie Con) update! Planning is well underway & watch for a location/date announcements soon! (somewhere in the US, sometime in Summer 2017)
Now for the fun stuff: we’ll have three days packed with activities, from a media room to a craft room to a possible 24-hr tea room.
We’ll also have a main programming stream, with panel discussions, talks, live readings of your favourite Toast pieces, or anything else Spacewitches want to present. A CFP will be coming soon, so start thinking of your ideas.
What are some activities and programs that you’d love to see or do at the retreat?
I’M SO EXCITED OH MY GOD
Everyone on Twitter: follow @SpaceWitchCon (formerly @Toast_Con) for important updates, announcements, and occasional polls. Everyone not on Twitter: keep an eye on that account regardless! A registration site will be up soon (no promises, but I’m shooting for within a week) – registration won’t be open just yet, but I’m hoping it can serve as another hub for information.
#NotMemorialDayWeekendPrettyPleaseBecauseThatIsWisCon
Yep, I can say pretty confidently that it won’t be Memorial Day weekend.
surely a trip to an art museum is in order?
yessss
if we can swing it!
WHERE and WHEN is this going to happen???? I have obviously not been paying a hell of a lot of attention, as this is the first I have heard of this marvelous gathering.
What about hooking up with GFY? there has been a running joke there for years about the retreat/conference/cruise we will do some day.
thissoundsawesomethissoundsawesomethissoundsawesomethissoundsawesome
I’m just happy it’s going to be next summer by which time I’ll have some PTO accrued again!
Crossing my fingers it doesn’t coincide with the 1 weekend a summer I have non-negotiable plans. I’m super excited that y’all are giving us plenty of lead time to figure time off and money and all that crap!
For those who are wondering what kind of thing we’re hoping to see presented: you know that thing people are always asking your advice on? That thing you talk about that always seems to get a chorus of “omg ilu”s in response? That thing you’re always saying you should write a thesis on, only half-jokingly? That thing you actually did write a thesis on and somehow still love? We want you to present that thing.
YES THIS EXACTLY
The subject that your friends can’t get you to shut up about? The topic that you always thought, “I should pitch that!”?
Come to the retreat and share surrounded by the most supportive internet community around <3
PRESENT A THING? YOU MEAN LIKE I ALWAYS WANTED TO PITCH TO THE-TOAST WHEN I WAS READY? You mean I can meet other toasties and see them present? Where is this happening because I want to go to there. Please please provide registration info before the end of the month (gulp)!
ps will there be napping parties
YES! Exactly! We’re working as fast as we can!
I don’t know if the venue will have an appropriate space for dedicated napping parties, but the accommodations (or most of them) will almost certainly be dorm-style, so there’s certainly that.
YES YES YES
The piece that you always wanted to pitch but never got the chance? PRESENT IT HERE
And like @logicbutton said — we are working as fast as we can to get registration ready by the end of June.
(cracks knuckles) Get ready for a three-hour dissertation on Beverly Crusher’s TNG hairdos.
*asks Rosemary to set aside an entire meeting space for you*
the TNG Hairdo track
We’re going to need a bigger room.
That sounds soooo amazing. I’m rooting for an outdoorsey location, because I want adult summer camp so bad. Lanyards, ghost stories, smores, the whole deal.
LANYARDS! Yes, um, I want that too.
Pending budget review, lanyards are absolutely on the table!
24 hr tea room sounds good to me!
DOESN’T IT??
Sounds like a plan for my Saturday too.
Round tables! I love round tables! Also some of the sf cons I have gone to do coffee-with-author (or drinks-with-author) events, and I would love some of those with presenting toasties — like, not just sit in a room and someone presents, but 10-12 people have coffee/whatever with someone and get to Converse about their thing, whatever their thing might be.
Ooh, that’s definitely a good way to structure it!! And will suit the informal atmosphere of the event
to all Toasties: would anyone like to do a basic strongwoman movements (not even full fledged events) workshop? uh, this is just something I’m kicking around in my head.
Right now I’m thinking farmer’s carries and something to simulate a truck pull. My big concern is liability and the fact that I just do this stuff, I don’t teach it and am nervous about teaching because of the range of body mechanics involved.
I could just demo stuff but I think it would be more fun if people got to try things!
p.s. no atlas stones, no logs, no husselfeldt stones or anything where people can be crushed. I don’t want anyone worrying about being crushed!
Also if there are any Toasties out there who do compete in official Strongwoman meets and want to join in or co-lead, please let me know! I do not do those; frankly, I don’t have the physical strength to do over half of the events. ^^;
I would participate in this!
I think there would definitely be interest in attending a workshop session like that! (I know I would want to come). As you said, safety and liability is a concern, so we’d have to sort that out before including it.
We’re going to be doing a formal request for session ideas soon (to open it up to everyone) — I’ll message you when we do, as this would be a really cool thing to happen.
Oh my god, Hieu, I would be THRILLED if you could lead something like this, and I would absolutely participate.
OOH, IDEA: fine art caption contest. Printouts of caption-worthy fine arts taped up with space underneath for people to write their suggestions at their leisure.
Are dogs allowed?
It’s unlikely but it would be lovely if they could!
Send out a “hey ladies” email to plan it! SoPu! Can we go to a cute bar?
I want this sandwich so very much.
You guys, I’ve NEVER made it to the open thread this early before, and now I don’t have anything of significance to say. How about this:
-I am moving to North Carolina really soon and am silently freaking out about it and would love to hear about any major life changes you guys are going through and how you are coping!
-I had grits for the first time like 2 weeks ago and my life will never be the same. How did I go this long without grits?
Try shrimp and grits next!
Hi, I live in North Carolina! I am not very good at major life changes, but I am good at talking about this state – depending on which part you’re headed toward – so if you need any reassurance that you’re moving to good place: I think you’re moving to a very good place.
And we have LOTS of grits 🙂
In NC, no one will bat an eye if you eat shrimp and grits with cheese & bacon for dinner.
I am moving to DC soon! Not super soon, but soon enough. I am coping… barely! Fortunately my support structures have been lovely. Good luck in NC, I travel to Greensboro for work sometimes and dang that place is lush.
would love to hear about any major life changes you guys are going through and how you are coping!
I decided to start the slow process of disentangling myself from my current employment, enroll in yoga teacher training, figure out how to better live the life I want, and start a website documenting all of it. I alternate between exhilarated and anxious as fuck and am coping by being sober as little as possible.
Now make yourself some Quinoa Grits! http://adashofsoul.com/2014/11/02/garlic-quinoa-g…
Welcome to North Carolina! It is lovely here, though our politicians are currently bad.
As for life changes, I am currently unemployed due to carpal tunnel and am supposed to find out tomorrow what my options are for fixing it. I thought I was eligible for surgery, but it looks like no. I am mostly coping by distracting myself with little projects because I hate not knowing when I can get on with my life again!
I live in NC! We’re having a nasty bout of dumbfuck laws right now, but overall we’re not a bad place to live! Just be prepared for the humidity. Basically the atmosphere is tomato soup for 5 months of the year. A short haircut and loose-fitting clothing will help a lot.
Oh, and this is important: there are two different kinds of North Carolina barbecue. Western NC is tomato-based, Eastern NC is vinegar-based, and you have to pick a side in this fight. (oh, it’s a fight, did I mention that? NC exists in a permanent state of barbecue-fight.) Good luck!
NC just needs to come to Jesus and embrace mustard barbecue.
Treason and outrage. Stop it. (Eastern BBQ for life.)
Amen!
I’m four months in to a move from New Zealand to England. Its good trying to live on my own I guess but I’m really missing the network I had at home. Try make new friends is my advice, though it is sucky, difficult advice.
I also miss tui and beaches and the bush and decent pale ale that isnt like 6%abv. I mean come on England, its summer, its actually hot for some reason, you cant drink bitters and stouts in this weather and I hate lager, so I get an IPA at the pub and then I’m woozy after a pint, its not good enough what am I supposed to drink at BBQs.
Hey wait sorry if this is presumptuous but if you are in London and you want to meet an English girl with Kiwi parents (thus understanding both your pain and accent but also knowing the terrain) who can also introduce you to 4.5% ales then I am HERE.
Not presumptuous at all, thanks for the offer!
Alas I am in Manchester (which is part of the problem, this is not a fun city (apologies to any Manc toasties))
I am jealous of your move. NC is great! Lived there years ago and want to go back.
I’m moving *away from* North Carolina in a few weeks and am…. mostly in denial about how much packing and stuff I have to do. I packed six boxes of books last week and was like “welp, that was terrible.”
It was A Week, Toast. But let’s not talk about that. Let’s talk about the good things.
For example, I have a crush on my physiotherapist. I won’t do anything about it because a) I don’t think he treats me any different, b) I don’t even know if he’s single or not, c) I don’t think it’s particularly appropriate to ask someone out at their work place, d) I’m far too shy for that.
But still. It’s nice to feel these feelings, and be happy, and at the same time know that nothing will come of it.
Who are you crushing on at the moment, Toasties?
Oof, I was SO proud of myself for getting over my work crush while I was out of the office and recuperating for two weeks, appreciating the committed man in my life even more than ever, and… uh… this is the end of the second week I’ve been back and I am a goofy schoolgirl again, oops
I went to a show this past weekend. There was a market in the lobby for people to buy things, plus the remnants of a class on wire crown-making they’d hosted earlier. I was wandering around with a beer, waiting for my friends to turn up, when a terribly handsome, charming Englishman began chatting with me. He had a lanyard around his neck with a badge for the theater, but he mentioned that he had only come to the theater that night for the free food they give the cast and crew between shows. I assumed he was some sort of intern, since the show was starting in about 30 minutes and he wasn’t backstage. We flirted away happily until he pointed to a discarded program, which had his face on it. So that’s how I went to a show and got chatted up by the lead actor, out of costume that night due to a back injury. (Afterward, I did some searching, and it turns out that he’s a middling-famous television star, which is neat!)
After some gloriously unsubtle wingman-ing by my friends, I did get his number, but I’m secretly hoping he doesn’t text me back. It was a lovely bit of fun, and I’d be happy to see him again, but I realistically have no time for even the most casual new partner. But it was a lot of fun and a wonderful boost to my ego!
Eeek! How exciting!
I know you say you don’t have time for even the most casual of lovers, but I would really, really appreciate it if you could make time for him and then tell us all about it.
My romantic life is going pretty well right now, but I still want to live through you. Please consider my polite request that you get it, gurl.
I would really, really appreciate it if you could make time for him and then tell us all about it.
RIGHT? Like, you don’t have to stay for breakfast or anything. Surely there’s one night you could take one for the Toastie team?
Right? I mean, we’re all in pretty deep mourning and we need this. We need her to bone a hot British guy. I respect her right to do as she fits, but maybe if she could see my pleading eyes she’d reconsider.
Ha! Well, if it’s for the good of the Toast collective, I’m sure I can find space in my bed for a ludicrously attractive Englishman. I’ll let you know if anything happens!
You’re a wonderful person and I wish you the best of luck in the knocking boots business.
We appreciate your sacrifice.
I’m in a long-distance relationship and I adore my partner, but I am, frustratingly, crushing on one of my coworkers at my side hustle (working at a bakery). My friend described him as looking like a “poor man’s Ryan Gosling.” I wouldn’t act on it, but I find myself dressing up a bit and maybe being a bit flirtatious when we work together. I’m not sure what I’d do if he showed any interest in return! This long-distance thing was easier when I wasn’t facing any kind of temptation. Oops.
Work crush, I have a work crush! I think he likes me back too. He’s due to rotate out of our division soon, so I have a little time to plot and scheme. He makes me feel like I’m levitating about 3 inches off the ground, I think that’s a good sign.
Huurrrgh OK I’m glad you brought it up, bc I’m very happily attached but still crushing on this dude who works in one of the other labs I visit at work. He looks like a hotter Ranbir Kapoor, has gotta be five years younger than me, and I’d probably break him in half, but gosh he looks good in his lab coat.
I had to google Ranbir Kapoor and I fully understand your crushing on this lab dude now.
Imagine https://goo.gl/images/DFTAKy
but with bigger (melting, intelligent) eyes and one of those trendy undercut-type hairstyles, and you will understand why my face develops severe sunburn whenever I go over there
!!!!!!!!!!
I HAVE AN EPIC CRUSH. I literally cannot stop thinking about him and everything in my head has got to slow down because I think he likes me too and this might actually have a chance and I don’t want him to run away because I’ve already decided on our future house, kids and all the animals (he has 3 dogs! He rides horses! He’s currently restoring the woods at his parents house! Such crush.)
That sounds great! I hope everything stays as good as it is now!!
And I know this feeling of imagination running wild so well…
Straight girl that I’m friends with!! I thought she was gay when I first met her. But luckily I’ve known her long enough that the intensity has died down, and I just feel very lucky to be able to hang out with such a cool, intelligent person 🙂
(seriously, though, that “all the good ones are straight or taken” thing goes both ways)
I definitely have a teensy crush on a regular library patron. Nothing will come of this, as he has a very lovely wife, but I still blush madly and play with my hair a lot whenever I see him like the 12-year-old I am???
Arrrgh,I’m in the depths of a crush on another teacher at the school I work at. I clocked her in passing when I came for interview and then when I came for my induction day I found out she was the head of the year group that I’m a tutor in. I managed to get over the flushed and inarticulate stage a little (still not out of the ‘trying too hard to be amusing’ woods yet) and got through the ‘subtly confirm we are both gay’ bit, but I overheard a conversation that, while ambiguous, hinted that she might have a girlfriend, so I’m not sure whether I should let this one fizzle out.
It’s not active crushing, just “Oh, hey, there are people who are nice to look at / nice to listen to / nice to interact with,” which– given that I am still in breakup hell– it is nice to know that my brain can do that.
Dude is in the choir I’m in, is married to someone who sounds awesome, and likes to nerd out about literature and film and linguistics. (My recovery crushes are usually on linguistics or comp lit people, with an occasional classicist or typographer, so this is my brain returning to familiar territory.)
Nothing will happen. Even if he weren’t married, he’s a tenor, and I am somewhat wary of tenors except for the ones who are queer, female, or both, due to knowing too many straight dude tenors in college who thought that they were deities. (I know, #notalltenors.)
Tenors, man. Just…tenors.
I knew someone here would understand!
Sounds like me with drummers. Sheesh.
A guy in my RPG cum general gaming group. But I’m informed that he just got out of a very long relationship, and is not in a great emotional place right now, so I’m just going to put that aside as Not a Thing.
Oh man so glad there’s a crush thread.
So I’m STILL crushing on Friendcrush McBadidea, a charming and extremely hot serial cheater and possible alcoholic with massive family dysfunction and personal issues. Friendcrush and I have been discussing the election, and his lengthy text rant about how excited he is for a woman president and how important it is and calling out the sexism of the backlash against Hillary practically made my pants fly off. I’m poly and in a committed relationship and my partner is like “well, probably not a great idea but I’m not going to tell you what to do” and like…..
You guys, he is EIGHT YEARS younger than me, his family situation is a mess (I have Cut Off his brother and mom for being batshit insane), he is a terrible person to date (see above re: cheating), and I cannot stop thinking about doing sexytimes with him. Please send buckets of ice and sanity!
It is so frustrating to have FEELS for someone whom you can tell would make you unhappy.
Does he remind you of anyone from your past who definitely turned out to be a bad idea? Sometimes it works for me to say to myself, repeatedly, “Nope, been in this situation before, and I know how it goes.” By “works,” I mean the feelings fade, eventually and with some degree of disappointment and yearning. But I would guess you’re probably already doing some version of this.
*sends ice packs and empathy*
Oh yeah he definitely reminds me of my ex. These feels have gone on sooooooo long. Longer than I’ve even admitted to anyone. I just can’t seem to shake it. We have so much fun together and we just seem to click but I know his Issues would make a romantic entanglement miserable. Plus he cannot respond to texts for love nor money and that makes me insane with rage.
LONDON TOASTIES!
I am visiting your fair city in two short weeks! I am looking for recommendations of places to go and things to do that are somewhat off the beaten path. And ESPECIALLY recommendations of places to eat. I’m staying in Shoreditch, and I’m there for five days.
Everybody else, please give me your favorite books that you’ve read recently as I’m going mad with the power of library ebook holds.
I think you’ll be there a week before me! no first-hand recs, but Toasties gave me a ton of great tips here (just search for my username if it doesn’t bring you to the thread I guess)
THANKS. Yoinking a ton of those recs!
I’m freshly-ish minted here, but I’m happy to pitch in with my favorite places in the order that they pop into my head:
1. Hampstead Heath – It’s big, it’s heathy. You get a good view from Parliament Hill and there’s Kenwood House there too, which has quite an bit of interesting history stuff. http://www.english-heritage.org.uk/visit/places/k…
2. Regent’s Canal – Depending on the weather, it can be really beautiful to walk along the canal. If you’re around Shoreditch, you can drop in around the Kingsland Road Bridge and then walk towards the Islington Tunnel: https://canalrivertrust.org.uk/enjoy-the-waterway… You’d have to pop out around the tunnel with is huge and long and people used to “leg it” through which meant pushing their boats with their feet (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Islington_Tunnel). There’s a canal museum if you fall really head over heals for canal history.
3. Geffrye Museum – it’s not a very large museum, but it’ll be more or less right by you, and they have a really pretty garden if it’s open at the moment. http://www.geffrye-museum.org.uk/ (swept under the carpet looks like an interesting exhibit actually! I may have to go soon to check that out)
Okay, those are all the things that popped into mind, but I’ll check back in if I think of anything else. 🙂
GARDENS! Thank you!
I am going to put in a rec for Chin Chin Labs in Camden, because OH MY GOD their icecream is amazing. They freeze it with nitrogen /right in front of you/ and it’s so delicious and unf. If you can get a ticket for the Globe it is well worth it, the standing ‘seats’ go fairly cheaply. The Cabinet War Rooms are great, and London in general is full of teeny tiny weird museums – I’d recommend the Museum Of Jewish Life (I think it’s called?), the museum of childhood, and plunging into the depths of the V&A, because everyone needs to see Tipu’s Tiger (it’s an organ! that’s shaped like a tiger eating a british soldier! …it was also looted by East India Company troops, but there’s our uneasy relationship with empire right there).
NITROGEN ICE CREAM, YOU SAY. And the Museum of Jewish Life sounds right up my alley! I definitely got a ticket for the Globe as soon as I nailed down my dates, I’m very excited to see their current production of Midsummer.
(Weird apropos-of-nothing side note: did you use to write Inception fic? If not you have a very similar username to someone whose writing I loved.)
Camden is full of weird weird stuff, and well worth going to if only for the food. I would also recommend climbing St Paul’s – it’s pretty expensive to get in, and there’s no way to get right up to the top without going up huuuge number of steps (the last time I went up, I made the mistake of doing it with a cold, and I had a coughing fit all the way through the crypts, including a mortifying fit on Millais’ stone because I was so excited about it/him) – but the view is really, really amazing. Way better then going up the London Eye and with a lot more interesting stuffinside.
I’d also do All Hallows-by-the-Tower Crypt Museum, which is one of the oldest churches in London and has been gutted multiple timesby the blitz, carelessly stored gunpowder, etc. and is also where Pepys viewed the fire of london from! There’s also the cartoon museum in Bloomsbury, the City of London Police Museum, Hampton Court Palace, the Clink Prison Museum, the Horniman (seriously, the Horniman is amazing), Kew Palace, the Langdon Down Museum of Learning Disability (I haven’t been there personally, but I’ve heard it’s p. good and quite sensitive?), annnnd *deep breath* the Wiliam Morris Gallery and ~10,000 other museums.
(I did noooot. the only fanfic I have written that has actually made it’s way out of the word doc and onto the internet is Steven Universe, unless you want to count the very elaborate neopets fanfic I wrote as a thirteen year old)
+1 for Regent’s Canal. Don’t do the Camden section, though. It might just be me but Camden is disgusting and overrated.
What do you like to eat? I have Tooooooo Many recommendations.
I will try basically anything. I eat meat and don’t have any allergies that I know of, so really, anything you love is fair game!
*tries to marshal thoughts into semblance of sense*
Erm so my favourite burger place is Patty & Bun. Pizza, probably Homeslice which is in Shoredz.
For fancy brunch, I would hit up Berner’s Tavern or Dean St Townhouse.
Maison Bertaux is a weird old French cake shop and a Soho institution.
Battersea Park is lovely and has a pagoda and a boating lake and you can sit on benches along the river and read and look at the Thames and then walk over the river into Chelsea (one of my fave things to do on a weekend)
The British Museum is totally fascinating a white privilege kind of way, ditto V&A.
Kensington Wine Rooms is a cool place to taste nice wines, ermmmm I will think about it and give you more!
More food recs:
There’s a veggie Indian we love called Diwana Belpoori House on Drummond St, near Euston. They have a fantastic lunchtime buffet and do great thalis and dosas in the evening and it’s a superb cheap place to get non-greasy authentic Indian food.
My brain has collapsed this morning but I wanted to get that in amongst all the other great stuff Toasties have posted!
What dates are you here? The London Toast wake is in shoreditch on the 2nd of July!
I’m seconding Chin Chin Labs in Camden. It’s a schlep from Shoreditch, but if you’re in the area, do go for it!
If you’re looking for a splurge meal, try Hawksmoor. They have several locations in beautiful buildings, and the steaks and cocktails are amazing. The original, I believe is in Spitalfields, near Shoreditch, but can personally vouch for the Knightsbridge, Air St and Covent Garden locations. Also if you tell them it’s a special occasion or visit, they usually do something on the house. Love love love them. Another splurge is Dinner, at the Mandarin Oriental hotel. They do fancy meals based on historical British food, and is more formal than Hawksmoor, but absolutely superb in quality of food and hospitality. I can’t go any further without recommending their Tipsy Cake 🙂
For drinks and antipasti, check out Gordon’s Wine Bar by Embankment station. It’s a rad little bar underground with sort of a stone grotto-y dungeon feel. Lovely in the summer.
Finally, try taking a water taxi around the Thames. I went from Embankment to Greenwich, which is a lovely trip and destination, and you see the sights like the Eye and Parliament from the water. Easy too, because you can just pay with your Oyster card.
The Arts & Crafts era tea room at the V&A museum is wonderful.
Have a wonderful trip!
Hey I’m super late but as a born and bred Londoner who lives in Camden — don’t waste time going to Camden. DO make time to go to Columbia road flower market if you’re here on a Sunday. Also go to the Southbank, esp if you find there is an event on you like but even if you just go for a drink and to hang out by the Thames and watch the skateboarders. Also definitely go to the Sir John Soane museum — full of weird shit feat. sarcophagus
I hope you have a lovely time! There are lots of cool things to see and do. I like the Bank of England Museum and the Cartoon Museum for small, less touristy places to visit. Although it is always busy, go to St James’s Park if it’s convenient; there are pelicans! (Plus ducks, geese, swans, coots …) I am very fond of the Gay’s the Word bookshop in Bloomsbury, as well as the flagship branches of Waterstones (Piccadilly) and Foyles (Charing Cross).
Holy crap, Toasts, it got hot over the last couple weeks.
Workout thread? Let’s do it.
I ran my third half-marathon on May 28 and have my fourth on June 18. It’s hot as blazes and I’m learning about pre-loading electrolytes. What kind of awesome accomplishments are in your cards of late?
A lady in the locker room complimented me on my push-ups a little while ago, so that was pretty cool.
Ughhh I’m off lifting this week because I have a really really grody disgusting infected cut on my thumb and I can’t really do anything with my left hand without it hurting like CRAZY. Seriously, I can’t believe how much this stupid thing hurts. I’m on antibiotics now so hopefully after the weekend I’ll be back to it. Have to go up in weight for bench press, and at some point someone needs to teach me to deadlift properly (in person, am v. v. worried of hurting myself and my garbage knees!). Tea and sympathy for the gross thumb of oozing doom would be appreciated. Pro tip — use gloves when working in the garden so you don’t rub actual poop in your cuts.
Much tea and sympathy proffered.
Thanks 🙂 I figure if I can’t talk about gross body stuff on the Toast, where can I!
It’s been too long since there were workout threads! I have a new trainer who has taken seriously my goals of getting toward unassisted pull-ups and improving my squat form. He’s introduced me to the wonders of the hex bar and I am in love: It’s huge! It’s heavy! It makes me feel metal as fuck! Most of the lifterbros don’t use it, so I don’t have to wait! Mwah, deadlifts, you are so much fun.
Running anything in July is crazy/impressive. Don’t stay thirsty!
Oh no. The event on 5/28 was bad. The organizers said they had the most distress/med calls they’ve ever had, in 30+ years of the event–usually they have a couple of people need ambulance, this year it was almost 20, the med tent was full for hours. We got snow two weeks before the race, and when I finished it was 85 with 90% humidity. People were literally dropping left and right.
I know I must have asked you this before–are you in ohio? Or is there somewhere else where it goes from snow to 90 in two weeks?
::nods:: Upstate NY.
Northern Michigan.
My PT thinks I’ll be ready for release next week and I emailed my former weightlifting coach to get in contact with his girlfriend who teaches one-on-one Pilates sessions! It’s not squats and deadlifts, but it’s a step in the right direction!
Mm, Pilates.
Well. That was…inspiring.
I… I think I need to start taking Pilates.
I meant to start Couch to 5k this week but instead I was the laziest fish in the sea. I really need to get on that though…
Doing yoga everyday, but also not beating myself up if I want to take a day or two off for reasons. Balance and self love in all things.
I’d also like to start adding in more workoutey workouts that can still be done at home. We’ll see.
I have been lazy AF since getting back from Tennessee last week and have been skipping leg/stomach days which I partially justify by telling myself that at 10-20 miles a day of walking my legs are never going to actually be given a chance to build anything anyway.
I’ve starting running on the regular, in preparation for a half marathon I’m doing in December. I accidentally acquired a running buddy and he’s awesome and makes me run faster. I’m working on going farther for longer and getting faster but I’m amazed at how much better I feel! I’ve been doing yoga a lot more too. Healthy decisions abound!
Finally getting back to lifting after a long hiatus (baby was born last year, then various life stuff), and I squatted 205 yesterday and felt like I could have gone for more if I had a spotter! It is short of my pre-pregnancy max, but I feel really good about getting so close and having it feel good.
I’m going to a all-women bjj seminar next weekend! There aren’t many women in my regular class so it will be cool to be surrounded by a bunch of female black belts!
Life has been crazy and my partner and I are *trying* to transition where they are living with me. Besides me trying to get rid of LITERAL GARBAGE BAGS OF CLOTHING (which should have made me feel good and refreshed and 1000lbs lighter, but it just made me nostalgic and feel like I have no clothing left.) , we’ve been trying to start getting the pets used to living with one another. I have a cat, and he has a dog- and they are very used to being only children. The dog seems to be doing really well with the transition, but my cat is not handling it well. I can see how on edge the cat is the entire time that the dog is in the house. I don’t know how to soothe her best. I definitely make sure that we limit the dog to certain areas of my house- but I feel really guilty that I am making her feel on edge in her own home.
has anyone dealt with this? Did your pets adapt?
Transitions are hard, ya’ll. I’ve lived alone for going on three years, and this entire process is wigging me out.
I got a second cat after my first one had been the Only Cat in the World for 5 years and she is still not over it. Definitely have up high spaces (cat tower, top of bookshelf, etc.) where your cat can escape and feel safe. Also feliway can be helpful. I have no advice about moving in with a partner because I probably did it all wrong, but we’ve made it work for a few years. Make sure you still have space for yourself even if you are living together!
First give the new partner some of your old shirts to get him used to your smell. Then confine him to a small, quiet space- bathrooms are often very good for this…
I think it’s time to watch My Cat From Hell. Not that your cat is from hell, but that Jackson Galaxy cat-whisperer weirdo has a solid approach to acclimating pets to new dogs, people, environments–much of it having to do with giving the cat places high up in the room to hang out and feel in control, plenty of play time with the animals, separately and together (when they are ready), and getting them used to being around each other by feeding them side-by-side, often divided by barrier gates at first.
That’s exactly what I was going to say! (I watched a lot of My Cat From Hell after my divorce when my usual trash reality wedding dress shopping shows were off-limits, so now I’m totally an expert.) But generally, I try to think of cats as kind of socially-awkward introverts, who need space to recharge where they know the dog/baby/etc. won’t bother them.
i definitely second this, there is so much cat behavior info on that show.
one thing you notice after a few episodes is that most problems are solved with extra playtime for the cat. it helps calm her down in the same way exercising helps people with stress. it’s good to keep them separated, and trade bedding for scent familiarity, and have places they can jump up to escape to, but then it’s just time.
i’ve only blended cats. i kept them in separate rooms a while with only supervised short interactions after a week, where each animal was supported and petted. it helps that we have an ambassador cat who likes new cats, she kind of paved the way with negotiations. but we kept them apart when we weren’t home, and eventually let them all be in open space together and they were alright.
We combined two tabbies with a French bulldog. We kept the kitties in a separate room for a couple days so everybody could smell each other through the door but without any actual contact.
Every day we would take the dog out or shut HER up in a different room and let the cats roam the house for awhile to get the feel of the place and smell out the spots that were dog-smell-free.
Then we opened the door and put up baby gates so there were areas of the house that the dog couldn’t access.
Then when the cats were consistently tolerating the dog’s presence instead of bolting to safety, we took the gates away. The dog was crate-trained, so they weren’t in each others’ space when we were out of the house. (If she hadn’t been, we would’ve given the cats a closed room instead.)
They never became Best Buddies or anything – couch space was always a contentious issue – but they co-existed without major incident, and once they all piled onto my lap and fell asleep on top of each other.
Toast! A couple days ago a friend who is getting married this summer informed me that her cake baker had to drop out suddenly and asked if I would be willing to bake the cake (actually cupcakes) for her wedding. I thought about it for a day and said yes because ever since watching that Gilmore Girls episode where Sookie made her own wedding cake I have been DYING to do something similar. Like, I’ve never thought about myself as a person who dreams about her wedding day but I have been dreaming about baking wedding desserts for like a decade now.
Which brings me to my main issue: I have never baked on this scale before! I love baking and my favourite thing to do is take on massive baking challenges to see if I can do it. But! This is a wedding so there is little room for error. For those of you that have baked on this scale, I have a couple questions:
1. As mentioned, they want cupcakes for approximately 80 people. I’m thinking one per person is definitely not enough, but two per person seems excessive. Is something like 100 cupcakes reasonable?
2. Said friend is planning to pay me and has asked me to figure out a price. Obviously I will ask for compensation covering the cost of ingredients, but I’m not really sure I want to ask for more. This is something I really want to do and I just don’t see the need to charge for labour. Should I anyway or is it cool to just ask for enough money to cover the ingredients cost?
3. Any other tips you may have/wished you knew before embarking on such an endeavor.
This is so exciting! I have only ever baked bread on that scale, not cakes, but the idea of it is thrilling.
I would certainly think that 100 is reasonable, but given that you’re probably going to be baking in pans of 12 (and if your oven is the same as mine, two pans at a time), I would round up to 108 or 120. That gives you quite a bit of headway to mess up a pan or two.
For the cost, I think if the friend is close enough and you don’t plan on doing this kind of thing again, I think it’s reasonable to only ask for enough to cover ingredients. BUT I would ask for enough to cover really, really nice ingredients – you get to bake with the good stuff, and she gets best-quality cupcakes! I’d also probably tack on $20 or $30 on top of what you think you’ll need in case you run out/mess up/forget something/etc. But I am a person who has fucked up two separate batches of buttercream, each involving 1.25 pounds of butter, so if you are better than me at that, you may not need to take such precautions.
Deb from Smitten Kitchen baked a wedding cake for a friend once and documented the whole process pretty thoroughly (not just from a recipe stand point). I’m not sure she goes into pricing at all, but the first post in the series is here.
1. I like to overestimate rather than underestimate, especially if this is the only dessert available, so I’d say 1.5 per person, or about 120. Worst that happens is you send people home with an edible favor.
2. It depends on whether you intend for this to be something along the lines of a present or not. If you want this to be a gift to the couple, then it’s fine to just get compensated for materials. On the other hand, your time is important, and you could absolutely charge minimum wage for your work. She was planning to hire a baker anyway, and your estimate of your own time would probably still be less than what they would have charged her. If she insists on compensating you for your time, you can lowball your estimate, too.
3. Do work ahead of time if you can. Most cupcake recipes freeze well unfrosted (though you’d want to experiment with whatever liners you are using to make sure they thaw nicely). Then you just need to give them time to thaw and frost them on the day; again, do a trial run to see how long they need to thaw completely. Some frostings also take well to being made the day before as long as you can re-whip them the day of. That way you can use all of your energy that day on making them look beautiful, and if something goes wrong with baking them or making the frosting, you have a time buffer for re-doing things.
Good luck!
My dad made my parents’ wedding cake! He was in law school and decided that baking a wedding cake was something that could totally be tackled while studying. It turned out beautifully, though. He said he basically (a) read every cake baking cookbook he could find at the library and (b) practiced. Good luck! And even if you don’t charge for labor, remember to charge for the practice cakes as well as for the final cake, ingredients-wise. I think that’s fair and it still won’t break their bank.
Remember to figure out transportation and set up! Build the cost for cupcake boxes into your budget, think about whether bits will break or melt in transit, ask who is responsible for setting up/decorating the cake table.
Such an excellent point!
I think 100-120 is good, if you can figure out transportation issues. Do budget for whatever you need in terms of boxes / inserts / racks as needed for the transportation to the venue, and maybe some cash for a helper to drive the car while you hover fretfully over the product.
Fancy cupcake places charge up to $6 or $8 per cupcake, right? She probably had a decent sized budget for this, so don’t shaft yourself – are you going to procure a fancy cupcake stand? flowers to decorate? individual to-go boxes for people to take away leftovers? Make sure you have all the ingredients plus the infrastructure covered before you give her the price.
It sounds like a lot of fun!
I highly recommend check out Smitten Kitchen’s wedding cake project, since she walks through everything from start to finish, and gives a really good overview of all the considerations involved. Good luck!
I have not and never will be in this position, but I can take a stab at the business-y parts.
I think you should do some calculations re: costs, then present your friend with some options. As in, “if I use standard quality ingredients, the cost per cupcake would come out to $_____. If I use higher quality ingredients, the cost per cupcake would come out to $_____. You said you want cupcakes for approximately 80 people. I was thinking 100 cupcakes sounds about right, do you agree?”
And you could just make a quick table, i.e.:
80 cupcakes at cost A = $______
80 cupcakes at cost B=$______
100 cupcakes at cost A=$______
100 cupcakes at cost B=$______
120 cupcakes at cost A=$______
120 cupcakes at cost B=$______
That way your friend can say “well, we were budgeting $______ for the cake, so _____ number sounds about right.” Then you’ll be sure you’re on the same page.
The site’s blocked at my work, but google “your cup of cake” and “wedding”! So many practical suggestions
I would recommend taking the amount of time you think it will take, and doubling it. My mother is an amateur cake decorator who volunteered to do a wedding cake for a close friend, and there were some tense all-nighters the few days before the wedding getting that thing done; anything that can be done ahead of time, I recommend doing it! It turned out lovely though…
If it’s not too much effort and your friend likes the idea, you could do ~ 80 regular-sized cupcakes (or less, depending on the predicted tastes of your crowd) and a bunch of mini cupcakes. That’s what my fiancee and I wound up doing for our wedding that’s coming up. Unfortunately I don’t know how well it’s going to work yet, but I figure that people like my future mother-in-law will just want one mini-cupcake, while people who are really into them can have a big one and a little one, or 3 little cupcakes that would equal about 1.5 cupcakes…whatever works for them.
Seconding everyone saying to charge for materials/test cupcakes. One of my fondest memories of my last job is when a coworker baking for a friend’s wedding brought in 6 different flavors of cupcakes for us to sample. She was an amazing baker and all of them were good, but there were some clear winners. Your friend may have already nailed down the flavor she wants, but it can’t hurt to figure out what the BEST salted caramel recipe is (if only for your peace of mind). 🙂
Good luck!!
I rarely bake at this scale anymore without charging actual money, because it’s hard, time-intensive labor, BUT I’ve sometimes offered my labor in lieu of a gift.
My other advice will be: TIIIIIMMMMMME. Plan for so much more time than you think you need. Don’t be doing this all at the last minute, because something will almost definitely go wrong or you will end up not sleeping to get it all done. The freezer is your friend. The cupcakes can usually be made up to a week or two ahead of time and put in the freezer, and you can do the same with the frosting, but often I’m fine just making same day or having the icing spend the night in the fridge. Defrost everything in time to work a day or two ahead of the wedding to ice them, depending on how complicated your decorating scheme is. If you haven’t worked on this scale before, keep the decorating as simple as you can.
P.S. Don’t try any new recipes or whatever. Thar be dragons.
Echoing the other wise Toasties suggesting that you bake more than 100. We served 120 cupcakes at my 75-guest wedding (1.5x per guest rounded up to the nearest dozen), which was just the right amount to make sure we had plenty for everyone plus a few leftovers for ourselves!
Re: payment — definitely ingredients. If this is something you’re dreamed of doing and might want to do more in the future — I think there’s definitely merit in charging a little personal time money. Because your skills and value have merit!! I’ve had a similar situation a couple of times where, for example, our wedding photographer was amateur prior to our wedding, but she wanted to break into weddings/professionalism. We paid her a very small fee (especially in the realm of wedding photography!) to give her exposure and the chance to do a wedding with laid back people who weren’t going to care if it wasn’t magazine perfect. She charged us very little and we got great pictures for cheap — it was mutually beneficial to both of us.
So for you — if you think you might wanna do it more — don’t charge your friend an arm and a leg, but it’s a good starting place if you want to work towards future professional jobs. Just a thought! Good luck!
Ask your friend how many cupcakes/servings their original baker was doing.
I think 1.5 cupcakes per guest is a good formula. If there will be a serving staff at the reception, add them to the headcount.
HAMILTON IS COMING TO LONDON!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean, I know you know, but I can’t get over it!
I could watch this for hours.
The world will never be the same.
But tickets are not on sale yet, right? Right?? *panics*
NOT AS FAR AS I KNOW.
and I have set up google alerts on that.
(they’re expected to be available in the autumn, afaik)
October 2016, don’t panic! But do set allllllll the calendar reminders.
I’m desperately trying to introduce it to as many people as possible so I’ll have someone to go with. (Why do so many people ‘not like musicals’???)
I swear somebody down the line decided musicals were ‘uncool’ and I’m sure that 90% of people who say that secretly like them and just won’t admit it!
And if you don’t know, now you know, Mr. President.
BOY friends it has been a week! I had a wonderful time at my conference last week and felt really reassured that going back to school in Fall 2017 is the right path for me. All those good feels, though, have been overwhelmed by work.
I’m in a crap admin position and I am very interested in a new position opening up in my department that would leverage my MA skillz, be more interactive, get me working with students again, etc. I’m in the process of interviewing (though the job has not been posted). I WANT IT really badly, but as it is a new position, it is coded as “temporary” and doesn’t include subsidized benefits or vacation time. My current position includes the full benefits package. Would I be dumb to leave a permanent depressing job for a more exciting temporary job?
I don’t think I can last without vacation time, and luckily being young, I think I can hop back on my parents’ insurance for a while. I am just crying all the time over this and really regretting not applying to go back to school for this fall.
What do you babes think? Following my passion and kiss vacation days goodbye, or stay in my current situation with the reassurance that if my teeth fall out because I am clenching my teeth whenever I am at work, at least I have dental insurance?
Would you keep working when you go back to school? If not, the temporary job seems really worth it. If yes, it gets more complicated.
How is the department generally looking? Has there been decent growth? Is the new position something that really feels a need for them? Do they generally treat employees well? Is there good retention?
If all signs point towards it being semi-likely to become permanent with some benefits, go for it! It’s always a risk, but so is staying where you are at. If you have enough of a safety net, I’d rather take a small risk of permanency and benefits that could have a great payoff than risk the mental strain of staying at a safe job that eats you up and has a certain opportunity cost of career advancement.
I don’t plan on working — if/when I get into my desired program, there will be an assistant-ship attached. Although the assistant-ship will pay crap compared to if I keep working, I will be teaching/getting necessary experience to be marketable. There is probably a 5% chance of this not happening.
The department is looking to grow, but in the office that I am currently in and hope to leave. There is good retention (I think, I’ve only been around here 8 months), and employees seem to pretty satisfied.
It is possible that after the first temporary year, the position will turn “term” for 2 years and then permanent. In that sense, it is a crapshoot. But, I also plan on moving out of state for school, and if all goes well with my applications, then the timeline of the position isn’t a turn-off for me.
I am definitely lucky to have a safety net both in $$ and in terms of a support network. I think a lot of my anxiety is stemming from trying very hard to be financially independent this year and the thought that I will need my parents’ help with insurance again.
Thank you for responding!! I really appreciate your perspective.
If you love doing what you’re doing, maybe you won’t need the vacation that much? How long is the temporary thing supposed to last? More than a year, ehhhhhhh everybody needs a vacation after that long. Six months? Totally doable.
The position is exactly a year, which seems to be just a little too long to survive! I’ve saved up most of my vacation time from my current position, so I guess I could hold onto those days for a while, but I have summer vacations planned…wah!
Some places let you have time off w/o pay if you’ve already made vacation reservations that take place after your start date. It couldn’t hurt to ask!
Good idea — thanks!
Is anyone else round these parts still playing Fallen London? Is anyone else MASSIVELY EXCITED THAT SEEKING’S BACK?
YES! I wasn’t playing when it was initially active, but have been super intrigued. My main character is the kind of person who needs to Know All The Things so she’s going to take the plunge, despite all the dire warnings about Terrible Things Happening.
I’m playing! Just started so I don’t know what seeking is but if it can lead to terrible results I’ll probably do it, my character is always on the verge of literally going insane anyway.
I TOTALLY MET THE FALLEN LONDON TEAM THE WEEKEND BEFORE LAST. they were at mcm and they were lovely in person! I got a multitude of badges from them!
Jealous!! Why am I in the States!! I saw their twitter contest to win leftover goodies, but alas, I didn’t win…
usually it’s the other way around, but, sometimes we get the stuff! But yeah, they were really nice people, I think I remember them complimenting my costume, they were sad they had run out of t-shirts to give away (it was like 4pm on the sunday), annnnd apparently the mobile app is going to be much better and more stable Soon.
I’m kinda stuck and bored at the moment because I need to up all my skills and abilites, and it takes so long… Maybe seeking will make things better.
Also: Does anyone have a leftover venom-ruby? I just need one more to accept the Keen-Eyed Lapidary’s offer.
Seeking will do the opposite of help your skills and abilities, alas. :c
But! I do have an extra venom-ruby. Are you Merripat over there, too?
Ah, crap. But good to know it beforehand.
I’m Snaedis over there! Thank you!!
Seeking’s back????? Time to fire up the website!!!!!
WHAT
Yes, extremely, though not to the point of blowing through resources as fast as this person . . . (Currently at Seeking 12, but I still have scars etc.–I was a Seeker under the old system and then mis-clicked and lost the first two Candles.) Dunno how far I’m willing to go with Appalling Secrets, but we’ll see . . .
I am! I dont have any friends on it though which limits things. So if anyone wants to add a buddy 😀
Are you terb over there as well?
No, I am podocarps
I am not very good at names
podocarps is an excellent name!
I added you! Lucy Honeychurch on FL.
Yes! And terrified. The non-discardable cards! I want to know what happens to them if I fill up my hand with non-discardable Mr. Eaten content, and go to Zee or some such.
So, I haven’t done this with Seeking cards in my hand yet, but they’ve recently made it such that going to Zee does not empty your hand. Your hand is still waiting for you when you come back. :c
Aw, boo.
So, using a fake username because I have an STD (herpes) question. I’m freaking outt!!! Description in reply. I’m hoping fellow toasties can comfort me in my time of distress.
Oh no. My roommate in my previous apartment went through getting herpes, so while I am no expert, I know a little about how scary that is. Here if you need to talk! It’s going to be okay.
So there’s a spot on my labia that’s kinda sore and red, been there for two days. It’s only one spot but all googling points to herpes. The thing is, I’ve literally only had sex once. I know it only takes one time, but I keep obsessing over this and thinking how terrible my luck is. I’m going to get tested in an hour.
Any toasties with herpes or other std who can off words of wisdom or support? You’re always wonderful and offer such caring words.
It may not be herpes! I had a similar suspect spot (after having sex with a new partner) and Freaked Out Completely and felt Unclean, and it turned out to just be a cyst. Gross, but totally not an STD. But if it is herpes the nice folks will help you get it sorted.
Hugs.
Getting tested is A++ adulting. Go you!!! Fingers crossed for a less stressful result. Try to be kind to yourself.
Thank you everyone! Upon visual inspection the doctor was not suspicious, and didn’t even think it was necessary to do the blood test. I still asked for the blood test for peace of mind. So yep, more adulting to come in the next 10 days as I wait for results and try not to google too much. Onward to cute animal gifs!
p.s. Toasties rock.
As others have said, this could be other things, like a cyst. Very common. And if it is, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You were just unlucky.
But, regardless of the outcome, you have got to use condoms (and probably another form of birth control, as well, if you weren’t already). Please go to your local Planned Parenthood, they can give you all the information you need in a non-judgmental environment.
A pal recently also had a “herpes?” freakout and it turned out to be mollescum, which is common (partly because really easy to transmit) but nbd and easily treatable. (not just an STI, babies get it too!)
as always, bodies are an unfolding nightmare
good luck!
I have never had herpes or any other STD/I but I have done a lot of sexual health education stuff.
The first thing is to get tested, and it looks like you’re already taking that step.
The second thing is that herpes is really, really common–lots and lots of people have it (according to the CDC, about 1 out of every 6 people in the 14-49 age group–that’s everyone in that age group whether they’ve ever had sex, the numbers among people who have had sex are even higher).
The third thing is to get it under control if it is herpes. There are medications that can help control outbreaks, etc. It’s been a while since I’ve done the education thing so I’m not up on the most current medications. Listen to your doctor.
The fourth thing, if it does turn out to be herpes, is to practice safer sex that will help minimize the risk of infecting your partner(s). Obviously that includes letting potential partner(s) know you have herpes (in a completely non-sexy situation) so that they have the opportunity to decline becoming sexually involved without any undue pressure if that’s what they want. It also includes using condoms/protection every single time, for everything (oral, vaginal, and anal), and not having sex when you have an active outbreak.
Lots and lots of people have herpes, manage their herpes, and have active and fulfilling sex lives. Even if you got dealt a crappy hand and contracted herpes from a single sexual encounter, you’ll be fine.
It’s also entirely possible that it’s something else. The nurse practitioner I go to for my pap smears etc. always says that genitals are weird and sometimes they just develop weird sores for no apparent reason (like you’re using a new laundry detergent or dryer sheet and the sensitive skin on your labia decides to freak the fuck out about it). But the only way to know is to get tested.
Regardless of the results of your test, you’ll be fine. Hugs if you want them.
Also: it is super common. 1 in 4 adults in the US have it, last time I looked at the stats.
Yesterday I think I made my best omelette ever. Nothing fancy, just spinach and muenster cheese, but it just came out perfect and I was really proud of myself. I should also say I like eggs pretty overcooked, so it probably was not as difficult as it could have been.
mmmmmmmm that sounds so good.
I posit that the secret to the perfect omelette is cream cheese. Personally I think asparagus green chile and occasionally ham as well but the important thing is cream cheese
drat, of course i read this comment the moment i finish the last of my cream cheese! it was in a nutella and cream cheese sandwich, though, so it was not wasted.
Dog thread!
How are all the Toastie dogs doing this week?
Here is Minie this morning, showing off her impeccable breakfast picnic manners AND her beautiful two-toned beard-moustache-do:
THE TEETH. Minie is a stunner.
I have to leave for a dog walking shift but when I come back I’m gonna spam the shit outta this thread with pictures of happy, sundry dogs
Shelter pups of the week!
Scruffy dog, tuxedo dog, and Cone of Shame dog! Those are all very good dogs indeed.
My beagle has been spending his days rolling around on the long grass and it is GLORIOUS
Aw… within a species noted for their unbridled enthusiasm for life, beagles always seem EXTRA enthusiastic.
This is late and maybe nobody will see but my dog is having a sad week. He is old, and two nights ago he became no longer able to make the jump into the bed. He has slept with us for thirteen years and he was very distressed. We’ve moved the comfy living room dog bed into the bedroom but it isn’t the same.
We tried the bed-steps thing and he couldn’t work it out.
Note of advice to owners of bed-sleeping young dogs: get the steps NOW and train your dog to use them, so when he’s old and feeble, he can still get into bed.
Aw, I’m sorry for you and your pup. That is very stressful. Hugs to you all.
Oh, that’s very tough, I’m so sorry. I hope that he figures it out in the coming days.
Gemma is staying cool by swimming as much as possible!
A very sensible move!
To my Toast Post Matches, I apologize again for forgetting to put my address on the original postcard, and have just mailed another one to you that *does* have the address, so… *apologetic grin*
Songs for my Spotify misandry playlist? I’ve run out if things to add
Have you peeped the misandry playlist on Youtube? Has some good stuff on there. (Full disclosure: I contributed to it so this is shameless self-promotion.)
if it’s not there already: Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole by Martha Wainwright!
“White Flag” by Joseph https://play.spotify.com/album/5pPZhU84gz6gkB6yMt…
Do you have Sidewalk Safari by Chairlift? I can’t remember if I’ve suggested it before.
discover spotify has tapped into my misandrist needs and keeps providing me GEMS.
the best is a song called “i don’t really need him” which includes the line “he a lame motherfucker.” it’s amazing, recommend highly.
Will you share your playlist? I would love to have more misandrist music in my life.
And I would also suggest adding “Eternal Flame” by Joan as Policewoman (or anything by her because she is magnificent).
Why’d Ya Do It by Marianne Faithfull?
“Used” by Wyvern is delightfully pissed off in a folky way. “That’s Not My Name” by The Ting Tings is fun.
Is your misandry playlist shared?
Woman’s World by Shystie is my misandry jam. It was released 10 years ago and I can’t find it on YouTube but maybe it’s on Spotify.
These are all such amazing suggestions! I will definitely share it when it’s finished
“Oh Bondage Up Yours” by X-Ray Spex
“Drone” by Chastity Belt
“Hey Girl” by Tacocat
(But for real, basically anything by Tacocat. Also “Men Explain Things To Me” off their newer album.)
This is delightful, and also, how have I gone this long without knowing about Tacocat? Now I know how I’m going to get in the mood for visiting my parents in Seattle in a week: “Oooh beautiful Seattle/fall in to the sea/earthquake/tsunami/there’s still no place I’d rather be.”
So glad to have introduced you to them!! They’re the best. If you like that, you may also like Childbirth, which is a supergroup with members of Tacocat and Chastity Belt featuring songs like “I Only Fucked You As A Joke.”
(Also hope you have a great time in Seattle! In case you didn’t already know, there is a Seattle Toast meetup group on Facebook!)
No Man’s Mama by Carolina Chocolate Drops
“Hey Ricky” by NERVO. Full of A+ misandry.
Dearest Toast Friends, I don’t normally have time on Fridays to post on the OT but I read this news yesterday and it is the first good news I have ever seen about MS: A POSSIBLE CURE
http://www.bbc.com/news/health-36490315
Keep your fingers crossed for me, please.
Oh man, that’s… amazing but also terrifying. I hope it turns out to be a viable thing, though!
This brings such hopeful joy to my heart, for you & for my other MS friends. Fingers firmly crossed!
I’m asking my neurologist about it at my appointment on Jun 27.
Thank you !
Omg what if that’s what the insurance companies who keep asking if you still have MS were talking about?
Who knows what is going on with insurance companies? Let’s hope there’s a place on the East Coast that does this
I am so sick of people telling me that I am not allowed to celebrate HRC’s presumptive nomination. SO SICK.
Someone on my facebook shared a Matt Walsh article saying that she was a poor role model for women.
I immediately defriended them. Which- I usually do anyway if a Matt Walsh article is shared- but I was especially peeved at this one.
Matt Walsh is a poor role model for multi-celled organisms so you did the right thing.
Yeah, I unfriended a cousin of mine who literally posted “A vote for Hillary is a vote for Trump.” No, ma’am. Not today.
she’s literally running against Trump that doesnt make sense
Someone I’m facebook friends with posted about how Hillary supporters better not be too smug about this and someone I don’t know linked to this amazing piece about emotional labor and this election: https://hecatedemeter.wordpress.com/2016/06/06/ma…
That is such a wonderful piece!
I love this piece, and MOST of the shit I’m getting is from white dudebros, but a lot of it is actually from very young women, too. And to them I don’t know what to say, except for god’s sake, don’t drop out of the process because of THIS.
Yeah, one of the only unpleasant interactions I’ve had in person with a Bernie supporter was a female friend of mine (we’re both in our twenties) ranting about how “only people who are over the age of 65 and make more than $200,000 would ever support Hillary.” And I was like “…I support Hillary” and then it was tense and we basically haven’t talked about politics since then (it was pretty minimal as far as these things go, but tense and uncomfortable enough that I didn’t really tell any of my friends I’ve been volunteering for HRC even though I’ve been putting in ~4 hours a week). I do not want to know what she’s thinking now (she wore her “Feel the Bern” shirt Tuesday, but haven’t heard since).
Yes, there’s so much of that, and it’s really hurtful, especially to be told that you’re voting against progress, that your candidate is a liar and a criminal, etc. She has policies and history that I don’t agree with, but I have also never been in the position where I’ve had to make the choices she has, and I think her track record overall is pretty impressive.
There’s a lot of vitriol from other women in the comments to that article, too. Women accusing other women of voting with their ladyparts. I just loathe it so much.
Yeah, I feel like the few times I have talked to people about supporting HRC I immediately begin at a disadvantage and feel like I have to defend my position. Like we can’t just disagree, I must be missing some key info. It’s a watered down version of the Bernie Bros now yelling about how HRC’s supporters better be nice to them and expect people to come out and convince them to vote for him.
(luckily my boyfriend is a huge politics nerd and also a big Hillary supporter so I have had an outlet for all my Hillary feelings.)
It’s brought out the latent feminist in my partner, too. He’s started using the term “mansplaining,” which I never thought I’d hear him do. So one good thing has come out of this, I guess!
There’s a female friend of mine who’s “horrified”, “shocked”, “heartbroken”, etc. about Hillary’s presumptive victory. Granted, this friend is heartbroken over a ton of stuff, but it’s incredibly annoying.
Ditto, I’ve been fairly confident that the democratic party was going to pull together and eat Donald Trump for breakfast. I mean, it’s a dream team year: Obama, Warren, Biden. We’ve got some luminaries that are going to be out on the trail with her.
But the sheer number of “ugh, I guess, but she’s just in it for ‘power’ and is in the pocket of wall street and it’s lesser of two evils time” gave me John Kerry election flash backs. I was in my teens for that election and had tons of friends who didn’t vote for him because of the Skull and Bones thing. Plus his run to the center and general hawkishness to show he could beat Bush at his own game. We aren’t about to do that again are we? Like someone please tell me that isn’t happening again.
Sometimes “lesser of two evils” rhetoric makes it sound like we are either all Calvinists who believe choosing between two people is always a choice between evils because humanity is so hopelessly depraved, or utopians who believe there are some perfect people out there we could vote for if only they would run for office.
Yes, exactly! For me it’s “I’m voting for the person that believes I have a fundamental right to bodily autonomy”, and if that person happens to be someone else’s lesser of two evils, that’s fine with me. We don’t have to all feel the same feelings about the candidates on offer. But I’d really like some pragmatism and tactical voting from my theoretical allies. And ‘lesser of two evil’ talk often seems to slides towards ‘both parties are basically the same anyway’ which is a hop skip and a jump from ‘why even bother to vote?’ and that worries me greatly.
*nods*
For me, it’s “I’m voting for the person who I think is least likely to accidentally get us into another war by shooting off their mouth about something.” Eight years of President Obama have taught me that there is some value to the person in the Oval Office being calm and diplomatic.
Man, can I quote you on this?
Who, me? Sure! Feel free to say it in a clearer way than I did. If I were going to write that comment again I wouldn’t make it one enormous sentence.
Disclaimer: Internet yelling to follow.
Okay, so yesterday I saw someone WHO LITERALLY ARGUED that without Bernie, it was better to VOTE FOR TRUMP OR JILL STEIN because WHITE ECONOMICALLY SECURE MEN HAD THE MOST TO LOSE UNDER WALL STREET GREED. He went on about how bad marginalized groups already have it, so clearly, four years of Trump can’t make it that much worse because, actual quote, “THEY DON’T HAVE THAT FAR TO FALL.” He also said that this might be harsh to hear, but it’s just LOGIC.
Fuck that fuckity fucker. I’m super jazzed about HRC.
OH MY GOD
NOPE NOPE NOPE
But, for a less worrywart and more jubilant response, did everyone see the video before her speach: https://twitter.com/HillaryClinton/status/7403149…
There’s a scene from the protest at the TX capitol against the anti-choice bill (http://fightbacktx.com/) and I was there!!!! That video already had me in tears from about second one, but then I was weeping and also hooting and hollering. It felt pretty amazing to see, especially knowing that was being watched worldwide. Plus all the other amazing causes being represented and given a voice.
I am still hopeful we can all pull together and win this, really.
that video has made me cry every time i watch it. it’s so intersectional! so intentional! so many different kinds of feminists! when they include that quote from her in college… tearing up at my desk just thinking about it.
This video made me cry and I am Canadian.
Of course, this will be dismissed as mere pandering, unlike anything Mr. Sanders has ever said or done.
I AM HAPPY ABOUT IT, LET’S BE HAPPY TOGETHER
i mentioned this in a link roundup a couple days ago, but underground hillary clubs exist on fb! it has been a [very funny, over the top] godsend in the past months.
Yes! I’m in one too, and it’s been amazing. Although I spend more time now coveting Hillary swag, like these 100% Shattered Glass Ceiling Pint glasses: https://shop.hillaryclinton.com/products/progress…
OMG I didn’t read the print on those! I am really tempted for the coozies and the rainbow pantsuit bumper sticker.
i bought those coozies and it was the best decision I ever made.
The warmer this summer gets, the more tempted I am.
Oh man! Those coozies. I wish I had an American credit card! Why can’t I donate to you HRC?!?!
I am in one as well! It was started by one of the smartest interweb friends I have. Who can’t even vote because she is not a citizen. She is just super interested in politics and a huge Hillary fan. It’s wonderful.
Until recently I was in three! Now down to two because I don’t tolerate tone policing even from “my” own side. But it’s been a real sanity-saver.
My secret outlet has been my FB messages with my sister, who, being A Teen, is one of the only Hillary supporters among her friends. She sends me the terrible memes her friends share and we judge them together. 😀
Seconded, I have had it with a specific sub-set of the Berners. As expected, all the misogynists are on Warren’s page post-endorsement calling her names and un-doing the fiction that they don’t hate women, just Clinton.
One of my FB friends who is deeply anti-Hillary posted some bs meme about how Hillary “laughed about getting a pedophile declared innocent of child abuse charges.” I looked it up on snopes, turned out it was wrong, so I got to correct her.
She still hasn’t responded about it, but it does make up for the fact that every status of hers includes the term “Shillary.”
It’s handy when someone writes out Shillary, or better $hillary, because then I know what follows isn’t going to be remotely even-handed and I can just scroll past that much quicker!
Good for correcting her on that though. I’m not one bit surprised she hasn’t gotten back to you with a response.
Do you have a link to the Snopes finding? I’d like to have that in my pocket for next time someone brings it up…
Found it:
http://www.snopes.com/hillary-clinton-freed-child…
Also potentially useful for future arguments:
http://www.snopes.com/hillary-clinton-blackface-p…
Yes! I felt cheated out of celebrating this major MAJOR milestone. I’ve never felt represented by the Democratic Party (registered Green since voting age), have been aware of the corporate influence & warmongering of the whole damn system, etc., but it is still so exciting and moving to see this smart, brave and resilient woman, who has always been vocal about children’s rights and women’s rights, achieve the candidacy to one of the most influential offices in the world. A lady leading land-of-the-cowboy USA with its less than 25% female representation in Congress! It’s incredible! It’s been hard not to be allowed to be unequivocally thrilled about this simple fact.
I had a legit, 100% real conversation with a Bernie-fan yesterday who said that she wouldn’t vote for Hillary “because my friend, who’s psychic, read her aura, and she’s evil.”
And I decided to be quiet and not point out that even if HRC is evil, which I highly doubt, I’d rather have an evil president who doesn’t try to replicate Mussolini’s Italy than one who does. And then I fantasized about taking to the sea, or perhaps the depths of the Rocky Mountains, and never coming back.
FWIW, I’ve had multiple psychics tell me that they are certain Trump is possessed. I…believe them?
my husband RTd this the other day and i was proud of him for doing so:
https://twitter.com/jocastlemiller/status/7405750…
So I voted for Bernie in my state’s primary (I disagree with HRC’s positions on a couple of issues that are extremely important to me) and I’m still just beyond thrilled that HRC is the presumptive nominee! She’s so qualified! She’ll make great president! She’s had to overcome such a lot of sexist bullshit to get to where she is, and she continues to exhibit such grace and steely determination in the face of all these asshole men who are trying to drag her down.
I’m tired of explaining over and over and over to (mostly white) men that, while they will probably be fine no matter who is ultimately elected president because white men are always fine, electing anyone else to be president (or voting for a third party candidate and contributing to a republican victory) will have real, tangible, hugely negative consequences for women and POC.
I’m seeing my advisor tomorrow. (Yes, she’s coming in on a Saturday. Apparently her summer hours are Saturdays and Wednesdays. This means I need to actually get up tomorrow, eek!)
Although the main purpose is advising and checking out the beginnings of my graduation portfolio, I want to figure out the best time to ask for a timeline on assistantship decisions since she’s been ignoring my emails.
I am also expecting a guilt trip for not planning on going to the ALA conference. I’m not sure if I count as a student ALA member (I joined SOLIS but have not yet filled out the ALA membership paperwork, mostly due to lazies and funds issues), and the price for attendance is…steep. I could afford the exhibit-only stuff (which is reasonable), but there’s a part of my brain that is yelling at me and saying obviously I don’t care about my career since I’m not forking over lots of money to go to the full conference. I mean, it’s like a month of bills to pay and laundry to do. I have a cell phone I need to keep in service, clothes and bedding that need to be clean if I don’t want to be cast down in the department/cohort for being “that smelly person,” and hearing aids that I would rather not have repossessed. My transport options are also limited, since I do not have a car and my dad’s house is like 45 minutes away from the convention center BUT his car is on its last legs and also I would have nowhere to sleep. I feel awkward asking any of the other students if they are going since I am sure they have already solidified their plans.
Boy, this is a fucking downer, isn’t it. Um, advice for any and all of these issues would be appreciated. A more neutral discussion topic is “tips for growing out a pixie cut without wanting to shave my head.”
I’ve attempted to grow out short hair many times and always end up coming back to short after I realize I’m too lazy to style long hair, but I have approximately 2 million small scarves that I use to tie up my awkward growing-out parts. Scarves and bobby pins tbh
tips for growing out a pixie cut without wanting to shave my head
Scarves. Lots of them. More than that. Yes.
At least I have four or five of them that I can use as scarf headbands. One of which is a really nice pashmina my dad brought from Guayaquil the last time he went. I could hide a whole shampoo model’s worth of hair with it! (And finally have a chance to show off Ita’s hummingbird brooch properly with it.)
I’m not going to lie… i am a fully Mastered ILS who has been employed full-time in libraries for almost 8? years and *tiny voice* I’ve never been to a professional conference. I feel like a jerk some days, but most days it’s like “my job can’t afford to pay any of the expenses for me and the money I make certainly isn’t enough to cover it plus regular old living. I feel like I should have looked into Student rates and scholarship things while I was still a student.
Anyway all this to say: you’ll never be any *less* of a librarian for not going to professional conferences.
Also growing out a pixie but and I feel like I look like George Harrison most days. I would gladly shave my head at this point.
GOOD LUCK!
Then we’re hair twins! And thank you.
Do not feel guilty for not going to ALA. It can be fun, but it can also be stressful and exhausting. If you’re not prepared to network 24/7 it’s probably not worth the money, and even if you do that’s no guarantee of anything. Sign up for Webjunction, go through the archives of Big Talk from Smal Libraries, and polish your resume; it’ll be more worth it in the long run.
Thank you! I’m looking into the archives right now!
In this situation (discussing conferences I wanted to skip with my advisor) I would usually try to frame it like “My conference budget is pretty tight right now. It seemed to make more sense to skip this year and plan on attending [something else in the future] because [at that time I’ll be on the job market/will be able to discuss a to-be-completed aspect of my research/will be able to take advantage of the conference’s location in city X with an important collection that I need to access].” My advisor would usually either agree that I should skip whatever the current thing was or, if she thought it was really important, suggest carpooling together, try to find some department funds to defray the cost, etc. Is there a chance that she might move forward with assistantship decisions faster if knowing you had one would let you go to the conference?
Another idea (not sure on logistics from your comment) — would it be an option to stay with your dad and rent a car to get the convention center? Cheaper than a hotel at least?
Also, have you investigated whether they verify registration for the other parts of the conference? At a lot of the (academic, but not the ALA) conferences I go to, you’re supposed to register for everything, but they only check badges at a small number of events.
I don’t know if having the assistantship would enable me to attend. The stipend, which I am super excited about, is only for Fall and Spring semesters. I *might* be able to see if the other students have touched the conference funds from SGA or our own treasury (as the new treasurer, I ought to see anyways…as soon as the paperwork allowing me to poke at the bank account comes in).
Staying with Dad would be cheaper, in that I don’t have to add the cost of a hotel room to my conference budget. The car aspect is a bit daunting–I can’t drive, and Dad’s car has some messed up problems with the battery and tires. So although Dad would probably be okay with driving me around (since I would be being the Good Daughter Who Listens and is Finally Attending A Professional Conference), I’m concerned that the car would give out and then we’d be in trouble. I could, however, take an Uber. (There goes the hotel room money!)
I…have not investigated that. Mostly because I am a terminal goody two shoes and worry that if I am caught sneaking into a panel, I would be kicked out.
Don’t feel bad about ALA! You’re not alone — I just cancelled my ALA plans because it’s so expensive. Conferences are the worst when you’re a student!
Another librarian chiming in to say I really don’t think you should worry about ALA! And if you want an argument about caring about your career, I think I’ve always had a better experience in terms of learning & networking at small conferences, either targeted to my area of interest or a particular location (like a local/state library conference). I don’t think I’m too weird in this assesment, so maybe your advisor will already have this opinion? Or be receptive to it?
Aaaand I should find out about the assistamtSHIPS by the end of the month!!! If my department doesn’t want me, my advisor is putting me in for the library assistantships!!!!!!!
Re growing out a pixie cut. I did that a few years ago and I fucking love my hair now but it was a pretty painful process.
Getting regular trims helped a lot – if your stylist knows you’re growing out the layers they can help you look ok during the process.
I’m not a scarf person so I used headbands and barrettes and styling mousse. And cute hats.
Mostly I just tried to avoid mirrors and photos.
Stay strong. It’s a difficult phase but it will be over soon.
That egg-toast-lox-avocado thing!! I used to think that lunch foods were the best, but now I understand that breakfast food is clearly superior. Today I went out for breakfast with my sister and got a raspberry and custard crepe.
What is your ideal breakfast? Mine would be a croissant with strawberries and coffee… or maybe a bagel and lox.
Also, I finally told my parents about my depression (thank you Toasts for your advice a few weeks ago!), and they were very understanding. It’s a big weight off my shoulders, and I’m so relieved things turned out this way. Though I did break down very publicly at work, which was not fun. But people I’m close to at work were supportive, and a couple people even privately told me that they have dealt with depression themselves. Huh, I guess being open about these things actually… helps? Who knew.
Biscuits and Gravy are my fave! I will have them for breakfast, lunch and dinner with geotta or sausage… with coffee or tea. 🙂
I am fickle about breakfast, some mornings I am all about sweet and others I need savory. However, it is hard to beat a steaming-hot cup of miso soup on winter mornings.
I like salt bagels with cream cheese, though they can also be a lunch food.
Lots of eggs with running yolks and firm whites.
Cookies!
I’m proud of you for telling your parents about your depression! And while breaking down at work isn’t fun, I’m glad that you had good support there as well. I recently told one of my best friends that I was struggling with depression, and she opened up to me about her experiences with depression as well. It feels so good to know you aren’t alone.
Ideal breakfast: strong black coffee and a beautiful fresh fruit plate, followed by French toast and more coffee. Earlier this year, Spouse and I took a totally indulgent mini-vacation in the British Virgin Islands and this was my breakfast every morning (coconut French toast, doncha know) and I was in heaven.
Coffee. Savory salmon hash with avocado, poached egg and so many pickled veggies. An amazing waffle with fresh strawberries and rich thick cream.
OR
French toast with cinnamon swirl bread and all the bacon in the world. Plus blueberries and strawberries on the side. Oodles of whipped cream on all.
Good for you on being open and getting support with your depression. You deserve all the breakfast foods.
I have an interview for a job that I really, really want next week. I think I have a decent chance of getting the position, but of course anything could happen. But I am SO FIXATED on the position that I’m having trouble concentrating on…basically anything else in my life (including my current job. Ooops). The feeling is so hard to explain – it’s a little bit manic, a little bit anxious, a little bit excited, and a little bit – flighty? I feel like a helium balloon floating up into the sky.
Toasties, what do you do to ground yourself?
Good luck!!! I have been in your position several times over the past few years. Exercise and journaling seem to help me get some of that crazy, excited energy out. So does just accepting and enjoying the feeling. Especially when it comes to job searches, I hear over and over again “don’t let yourself get excited, don’t expect to get the job, let it be a pleasant surprise if you get an offer,” but…whatever. Life is short and pure anticipation and excitement is fleeting. Savor it!
Going outside helps me, walking, running, or cycling. I’m not a sports person, but it helps to move and just concentrate on the movement and getting forward, step by step.
ETA: Good luck, obviously!!
Get out those crayons and color. Seriously. If you’re not a meditator it will get you to a neighborhood very close by, and when you’re done you will (hopefully) feel refreshed. I’m always surprised by that.
Are you sleeping well? If not, definitely try to get more rest. Seconding the exercise and meditative suggestions too!
I also find it helpful to make social plans so I will have to be present in the moment with my friends. I’m really bad at enforcing it, but when I’m not grounded and am bordering on manic, the Internet is Dangerous for me.
I think I’ve seen a few Toasties mention that they have worked with career counselors/coaches – what has your experience been like? What do they actually do and how did you go about finding one? I worked with a my college career office several years ago, but all they really offered was taking some aptitude tests, which wasn’t very helpful.
My current position is that over the past 6 or 7 years I’ve accidentally specialized in a field that I’m completely uninterested in and am growing to resent. I’ve been doing some thinking about the type of work environment I’d like to be in (e.g., collaborative, no longer being in a manager role), but would like someone to help me finish fleshing that out and to then figure out what to do with that knowledge and how to go about it without knowing what you’d like to be doing. Is that the sort of thing they can help with?
I would also love this information. I’m trying to transition to an adjacent field from the one I trained for, and my current job ends in a few weeks. I’m terrified of being unemployed and at sea, professionally, and I think I could really use some guidance as I try to make this leap.
Hello! I went to a career counselor for awhile. At the time I worked for a small department within a huge university, and the huge university provided an opportunity to meet periodically with another university employee who moonlighted as a career counselor on the side. We met several times over a couple of months, and she provided the following services:
-looked over my resume and sample cover letters, and provided suggestions which I found helpful. (For example, including a profile or summary at the top, which is also something AAM recommends.)
-provided me with an extensive report of my Strong Interest and Meyers Briggs tests. I’d taken these before, but I actually did find it super helpful to have these done professionally and in detail. It helped me see some strengths in what I had considered weaknesses, such as being the practical person in a group of more abstract thinkers.
-talked to me like a therapist about what I wanted and didn’t want in a job.
Overall the (free) experience helped me to articulate my skills, strengths, and workplace preferences, and I’ve leaned on these in constructing cover letters and preparing for interviews ever since. On the other hand, it’s been about two years since those meetings and although I no longer work at the job that was troubling me, I have not successfully transitioned into a job that meets my financial needs or desires for professional growth. It’s a tough market, and even being an ultra-prepared and researched job candidate is no guarantee.
Get multiple recommendations. I tried this when desperately seeking a job that used my MA. A woman was recommended to me by a friend’s brother and basically I paid her a lot of money to tell me to make a hope chest about what my future job would be. All the cussin’ over that.
So I spent a few minutes yesterday looking at the handful of comments I’ve left on this website–I tend to read a lot of comments and give them little thumbs-ups, but not talk a lot.
One of my comments was about owning up to not being straight, and coming out to some of my friends and it has been WONDERFUL and funny. I have so many moments of “Oh, wow, that… was because I’m attracted to girls” and it makes me laugh every time something new occurs to me. A couple of my friends have either said “Oh, I didn’t know but that makes sense” or “Oh, I just assumed you were bi.” I also got to connect on a deeper level with another friend as we talked about similarities in our stories, and that was so great I can hardly stand it.
I just wanted to say that it’s going well and I’m considering telling my very conservative Christian family this summer. But if it wasn’t for the-toast, I’m not sure I would be thinking that now. There have been articles that challenged me, supported me, made me laugh, and commenters who were always so thoughtful and so nice that when I started to think that I wanted to tell someone I knew that this was the place to do it–and I was right. I know no one here actually knows me, but from this almost-lurker: thank you.
(SORRY FOR GETTING SO SAPPY.)
Hooray for you! i am so glad it’s going well for you; best of luck with your family. I had a very similar experience: first admitted, in the semi-anonymous environment of the Toast, that maybe I was attracted to women as well as men, and have had many moments since coming out as bisexual along the lines of “OH, so that was a being-bisexual thing and not a perfectly normal straight thing. That makes a lot of sense”. (My boyfriend has patiently explained that, no, he does not get confused with other men about whether he wants to be like them, be friends with them or kiss them; I have realised that watching the same episode of Friends twice in a row on E4 and E4+1 because an attractive actress has a very minor role in it is not the action of a woman who is completely heterosexual.)
Oh, man. So much of my life makes more sense now. Like… I remember my first college roommate teasing me about not noticing which guys were cute. (I did HAVE crushes on guys, but very rarely.) And I totally had crushes on girls that I recognize in retrospect but dismissed at the time as “she’s just so nice I want to be her friend and I hope she likes me and wants to be my best friend and spend all our time together” and “aesthetic appreciation.”
I had some confusion in that area, and I think it’s because there’s such a strong cultural narrative of what it means to be attracted to a woman. And my experiences didn’t match that, so they must not have been attraction, right?
Hah! Yes. And also girls are just naturally more affectionate with each other, right? And most girls experience some same-sex attraction as they grow up, but it doesn’t mean you’re gay, no worries! *facepalm*
That always drove me mad. How do you know if you’re just being a typical straight teenager and experiencing fleeting same-sex attraction, or actually gay/bi? (I suppose the amount of time I spend pondering that question might have provided the answer.) Hearing “Same-sex attraction is normal and doesn’t necessarily mean you’re gay!” just left me so confused.
I’m glad your experience has gone so well!
I commented on one of your earlier posts about coming out, and it made me feel less alone, so thank you for that.
I’m also not sure I would have been able to admit being attracted to girls without the-toast, but it’s been going well for me and making a lot of things make sense.
Everyone who commented made me feel less alone, to be sure, so thank you!
I’m glad things are working well for you, too, and isn’t it nice to have things click into place?
Oh YAY! Congratulations!
This weekend marks the Queen’s offical birthday celebrations (she has her real one and an unofficial one, the date of which varies by country. It’s weird), and I am grumpy about it. There hasn’t been too much fawning over her in the news that I’ve seen, thanks to the coverage of the EU referendum and the US election stuff and so on, but I am still grumpy that it has to happen at all. I was ranting about this to a colleague who made the remark, “Better Queen Elizabeth than President Boris” – and, sure, when taken as individuals she is a less objectionable person than Boris Johnson (a low bar). But I don’t really see why this argument works as a general one for keeping the monarchy; sure, we are lucky enough to currently have an okay person in the role, but it’s all down to luck of the draw. At least with elected heads of state you vote them in and you vote them out, and nobody is acting like they’re somehow better than everyone else by virtue of their birth (to hell with the divine right of kings; it is nonsense), or making you bow to them. The affection for the Royal Family some people have baffles me; it is one of the things most likely to trigger the oft-used Zoolander quote “I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!” from me. THEY LITERALLY RULE US BY VIRTUE OF THEIR BIRTH, WHY ARE YOU BOWING AND SCRAPING AND NOT RISING UP IN BLOODY REBELLION?
This is entirely great. A+ rant, would join you in objecting to monarchy again.
/right?/
I mean, I have no personal objection to the Queen as a person that much, probably because she has carefully managed her persona to be as absolutely unobjectionable as possible, but AS AN INSTITUTION why the fuck are we giving these people SO MUCH MONEY for NO GOOD REASON? I would be 100% behind maintaining the historic houses, the paintings, etc. etc. etc. but I think that I would get much more enjoyment out of a small chocolate bar with the 56pish that I pay in taxes towards the royal family’s maintenance then with them ever.
Exactly! And yes, all of the “well, the Queen’s such a lovely person” stuff – as you say, she has a very carefully managed and curated public persona. Being unobjectionable is the whole point. But the institution is the issue, not the people.
Yesss, and there’s something alarming about how much power they might wield behind the scenes? I don’t think they’d ever press the nuclear button of refusing to swear in a Parliament, but they probably do have some undue influence (see: the spider letters).
Yeah, I feel like the tacit agreement with things like all bills needing to receive Royal Assent is “you can have this power as long as you never actually use it to veto anything”, but the fact that it exists at all is a bit alarming.
How about that they are raising those adorable babies to a lifetime of pampered work as a living mascot? What if they want to be doctors or painters or librarians? Nope, sorry, you’re supposed to stand around and wave to people for the rest of your life. Your father was a Royal so you’ve got to be one too.
They’re all pretty thick though so I don’t think that’s super likely to happen
This is, ah, probably true. Yes. Maybe it is best? It just seems so wrong.
As an American, I have always eagerly awaited the day when Britons would kick the bums out, and vote their own bums in as we do. Being a republic means always having to say I”m sorry” to yourself… but it still beats paying for a bunch of do-nothings to have private bagpipers and swan-counters, IMO. Anyway, if you need moral support for dumping your own tea into your own harbor, I’m here for ya
I’m fairly sure that in America our incredibly well-compensated do-nothings just avoid the public eye and collect their tithes in the form of never paying taxes
unless one decides they want to be president or a pop star or something
Somewhat related: why do we encourage little girls to want to be a princess/ queen?! The only argument I ever see about this is on the “girlie v. non-girlie” side of things. No one seems to find it weird that we encourage girls to look up to PEOPLE WHO NOT ONLY RULE BECAUSE OF VIRTUE OF THEIR BIRTH but also backed it up by saying GOD WANTED IT THAT WAY! How is that a thing that we should aspire to? And it isn’t even specific Queens or Princesses (some of whom were pretty BA on their own) but just the general concept of “people who rule over the peasants, who have no rights, but do all the work.” There are plenty of “girlie” things we can encourage girls (who are into that kind of thing!) to aim for without the weird political implications “princess” has.
Ugh, yes. I got very worked up about this when that guy decided to claim some disputed territory so his daughter could be a princess – horrifying colonialism issues aside (white people claiming land in the Middle East does not have a good history!), why not talk to your daughter about why “being a princess” might not be the best goal, because the concepts of royalty and equality do not exactly go well together? But no, he decided to just go all out with it.
Interesting question! I was never big into princesses or dressing up or a lot of super girly things, but now that I think of it, a lot of the fairy tale heroines aren’t born in privilege: Snow White, Cinderella, Belle, Rapunzel, and men too like King Arthur, who start as commoners but achieve greatness because of their own virtues and merits (or just plain old beauty). Everyone loves a rags to riches story, especially if it involves romance and magic too. I’m more on the side of “why are we encouraging little girls to want to catch a man so early?” but that’s another thing. I think girls just enjoy feeling beautiful and special. They probably have no idea what a princess’s JOB is, if anything. (It’s just a wife’s job, right, but fancy? To be a mommy to more princes and princesses, and bake pretty cakes, and have parties for fairies occasionally.)
They do bring in a fair amount of tourist money, and they don’t actually rule any more, so I’m sort of ok with figurehead monarchs in their own countries, but that could be because I’m not really British.
The Commonwealth, on the other hand, has got to go. It is the last vestige of the British Empire, the games suck and Australia wins everything, the Queen never sees it anyway, and we have to just stop that now
You know what would bring in more tourism money? Shetland ponies in cardigans wearing crowns. I mean Yes granted the UK isn’t the easiest vacation to sell but none of the countries that beat the UK in tourism receipts have monarchs.
idk I’m not quite sold yet, can these ponies do tricks
ok if I’m really honest I’m just kinda fond of the queen. Charles and co can shove it.
And Shetland ponies are troublemakers
Ponies gettin rowdy!
Sounds like an even better tourist draw.
I am 100% behind Shetland ponies in cardigans and crowns (if the ponies are happy with it). Would spend so much more of my money on them than on the monarchy.
I know that they are basically figureheads, but the fact that the Queen is still technically the Head of State and has to sign off on all bills before they can pass into law still makes me deeply uncomfortable. Plus all the ritual and ceremony which seems designed to reinforce the idea that These Are Your Betters (the bowing, the curtseying, the fact that you mustn’t speak to the Queen until she addresses you and must only call her “Your Majesty” or “Ma’am”, the GIANT PALACE …). It’s not pleasant.
The thing I hate the most is the soggy small-c conservatism that they inspire, obviously their mere existence functions as a legitimisation of the principle that power and privilege could and should be heritable rather than earned, but they also totally serve as a symbol of how great the status quo is. I also have major historian resentment that we are seen as this happy monarchist nation in comparison to France and the US when we were wayyyy ahead of he curve when it came to putting our monarchs on trial and executing them.
Yeah, we beheaded our king decades before it was cool. Where’s our recognition for that?
Hey, as a medievalist, I totally recognize the birth of violent European revolution in Medieval British politics (and also in Iceland).
well, you kept bringing the monarchs back in afterwards, and you’ve got some Germanic monarchs now, so it is hard to get up much enthusiasm for British regicidal tendencies.
Feel your rage, search #Scottishstreetparty if you want to feel better (its tons of scottish people sarcastically posting pics of empty streets to indicate their feelings towards the royals)
Hey, is anyone here familiar with Louisville, KY? (I know someone in link roundup mentioned they were there.) My boyfriend is a finalist for a job there, and if he gets it I would look for jobs with the hope of following him a few months later. But I am have never been there and am not familiar with the region at all. What are my chances of finding work in the nonprofit field? Which neighborhoods should we look at? I have spent most of my life in the midwest and here in DC, should I be prepared for big cultural differences?
I don’t have a ton of helpful information, but just wanted to say that a close friend of my fiance’s lives in Louisville and absolutely loves it; she grew up in California and Nashville. I grew up in North Carolina, and also loved Louisville on my one brief visit there. So…nothing useful, but generally positive vibes from me! Best of luck!
My best friend lives in Louisville and I visit her often- it’s a pretty great city as far as I’m concerned. People who live there say “keep Louisville weird” all the time. They are very obsessed with college basketball. I do not care about basketball- but it’s a thing. also horses. So. Many. Horses.
As far as nonprofits go- there are tons of opportunity in the city. I had a couple friends go through UofL’s MSW program (which is EXCELLENT.) I’m not sure what kind of nonprofit you are looking to partner with, but I do know there are tons of opportunities there.
When I was in AmeriCorps, I lived in Louisville for about a month working with the United Way there, and it is far and away my favorite place I’ve ever lived. I want to move back so badly. And while I was just working with United Way, there did seem to be a pretty big network of non-profits in the area. Since the university is there, it can be very college town-y, but it’s very easy to escape that too. But also because of that, the culture differences aren’t as stark as it would be with smaller cities and towns in the area. I live in DC now, and I much prefer Louisville to here.
This is really heartening to hear. Also I just opened up a page of apartment listings in Louisville and you know that feeling when you’re so jealous/desirous of something that you feel a little lightheaded? Because I’m seeing a lot of big, gorgeous, historic apartments that cost less than half of what I’m paying in DC.
Damn, I shouldn’t have done that, I probably jinxed the job prospects by getting my hopes up
I do that sometimes too. And some beautiful day my partner and I will finally be in a place to move to Louisville and everything will be wonderful and nothing will hurt ever again.
And you will get all the jobs and do great!
I have nothing to contribute but to say that Kentucky is at least a very pretty state and Mammoth Cave (while no Carlsbad) is still pretty brain-inflaming.
KY gal here! I don’t live in Louisville but visit frequently. I can’t comment on job availability (although looks like other commenters say yes!) — but it’s a great city. Has the small town feel in specific neighborhoods, but bigger city fun and entertainment. Lots of arts and culture. I always love my visits and would live there if I could!
I learnt from the Babysitters Club books that it is pronounced “Lou-uh-ville”, not “Lou-ee-ville”. That is about it, I am afraid.
I understand it’s closer to “lewel” or “lul” in practice these days.
TOAST. Today I went to my GP and got a referral for counselling for anxiety and etc. It has been a crummy and difficult year or so (two deaths in the family, parental divorce, dealing with alcoholic/mentally ill relative, moved house, moved jobs, minor surgery), and I am 100% okay with not being okay because of that, but, it was getting to the point where Something Needed To Be Done, and I am so proud of myself for doing it rather then putting it off until I reach another crisis.
Preventive health care is so important! Well done for taking care of yourself!
Woo! Go you! *High Five*
That first step in getting help always feels like the most daunting when you’re in a not-great place, and even though it’s a small step, it’s an accomplishment.
Well done indeed!
amazing!!!
Every time this gif comes up I want this outfit for myself more.
Yes! Good job recognizing the need and taking some action! I hope you get compassionate and skilled help.
Yay you!!! I post something similar. Yay for taking the steps necessary to look after ourselves.
Yayyy ConcinnityB! You rock.
Good for you! I hope you find it helpful.
Hey friends! I recently returned from a trip to several cities where there were a LOT of flowers, and it convinced me that I would really like to have more flowers in my yard/life. But I have absolutely no experience gardening, every site I go to seems to assume a level of knowledge I definitely don’t have, and our current yard is fairly overgrown with weeds and long grass. I don’t mind that and actually like the wildness of it, and I would be happy with just about any colorful flower, I’m not seeking anything particular. Does anyone who knows about growing things have any advice about incorporating flowers into a space? (For reference, I live in central North Carolina.)
I would look first to your growing region, then to your specific microclimate. For instance, if you’re region 7 (just guessing here), but you have a really sunny south-eastern exposure where you want to plant, you could probably go one region south of where you are.
Look for plants that address your biggest problems. Hot summers? Deer? Drought? Lots of rain? Buy for your climatic situation.
Don’t flip out too hard if your soil sucks. I live in North Texas, where clay soil is the norm. This year I dug 400 lbs of manure and compost into two 9×13 beds, just to lighten the soil up, and things are doing *great*. You can always change your soil, but you can’t change your prevailing weather patterns.
Perennials. I cannot recommend perennials enough–except for things in the mint family, which (while they will grow anywhere) will take over your yard, your house, your life, and eventually the world. There are bloom guides for every perennial flower that tell when it’ll bloom, how long the blooms will last, and whether you have to do finicky stuff like deadheading.
Also, look at plants grown specifically for foliage. It’s amazing how many gorgeously-leafed plants there are out there, and how many of them will work in tricky spots.
If all else fails, Knock-Out roses are popular for a reason. They will bloom like crazy in the Texas heat, they don’t get mildew, they aren’t bothered by our sub-freezing temperatures, bugs don’t seem to like ’em, and you don’t have to deadhead them or treat them well. I planted one seven years ago, cut it back to the ground and hacked at the stump for a while last year before giving up, and it’s now four feet high and covered with blooms.
Thank you so much! This is incredible, and I will absolutely do these things.
My Apricot Drift rose has a beautiful scent!
If you like the wildness and want pretty flowers, I’d suggest looking for flowers that are local to central North Carolina. (The North Carolina Native Plant Society is a good place to start.) Most plants do well in their native climate without too much help on your part, which is a good idea for your first garden.
Thank you! I had seen that website briefly when I started research, and I shall return to it.
Niche Gardens near Chapel Hill NC is almost all perennial native plants and the people are so knowledgeable and nice, and it’s beautiful and the plants are healthy and I love it.
One of the easiest things you might be able to do is plant local wildflowers, perhaps in a few different beds around the yard? One of your local gardening centres may be able to help wrt seeds – or maybe there is a website you could buy some from, that would be suited to your gardening zone? They’d be a mixture of annuals and perennials.
Excellent advice, thank you!
I think the easiest way to get some flowers going when you don’t know anything is to get a couple packets of mixed wildflower seeds. You can order regionally-specific mixes online. That way you don’t have to worry too much about planting the wrong thing in the wrong place- no matter where you plant there’s probably something in the mix that will grow there!
Cool, I will give that a shot. Thank you!
Book recommendation: The Bee-Friendly Garden by Kate Frey. She’s beyond Master gardener to some kind of Space Witch Plant Whisperer Jedi level, but her advice is unpretentious and “citizen scientist” oriented, as in: Try something, keep a notebook handy, see how it goes and go from there. She’s based in Northern California but the book covers the whole US.
Lovely, thank you, I will see if our library has it!
Your county extension office or a local community college might have classes on gardening with native plants, which would be a way to meet others who have gardening interests. Many gardeners are like any other hobbyists and want to encourage newcomers to their hobby with their favorite tips and tricks – also look for free community classes at your library or other places in your community where these things pop up.
Thank you! I also have a few older friends in the area who have been gardening for years and I hadn’t thought of asking them, but maybe I will talk to them.
If there’s an agricultural college near you, they likely have publications specific to your region that should be helpful, and they tend to start with the basics. A local Master Gardener is another option- sometimes found at farmers markets or local botanical gardens.
Thank you so much! I will check that out.
One thing that I think is an overall big picture note is that you don’t actually have to have a lot of plants in your garden sometimes to make a huge impact. In particular if you look up xeriscaping or dry gardens or water friendly gardens, you can see such a big contrast in gardens that use areas of rock or gravel, where all the plants pop out. Raised beds, big rocks, working with height, mixing up areas of ground cover can give you a lot of visual impact with very little work. When you compare that to a grassy lawn where the flowers compete against all this other green space..I think it’s one way for the lazy gardener to really get a lot of bang for buck. I’m sort of imagining something like this: http://www.thegardenerseden.com/wp-content/upload…
or this: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xYkuhDIYKWM/UYxYSnDgpoI…
It’s more upfront work certainly- you have to do the layout, but then at the end, you help the earth and get a stunning low-impact garden.
ooh also I’m in love with this company: http://www.gardeners.com/home?SC=XNET9291&gcl…
If had a big space I’d definitely do something with lots of pavers mixed with a trellis and planter set up: http://www.gardeners.com/buy/flower-gardening/tre…
Lavender has a pretty good ROI: It’s heat- and drought-resistant, bees love it, deer don’t, and it does fine either in pots or plopped into the ground. It’s not as colorful as roses, but the scent is lovely, and you can harvest it several times a season, particularly after its first year.
Our soil in central NC is often too acidic for lavender so it takes some work. But I have a big ol’ pot of it. There’s a lavender harvest Saturday and Sunday in fact at the lavender farm in Efland NC I think.
YES! i just took an ambien but I am not comprehensible right now sorry. (makes me act drunk) Are you in the triangle toasties? I haven’t met up with y’all yet but I can get over my shyness and do it and give you free plants, yarrow and butter daisies even tomatoes. I love toasts. I want to write more but sleep calls me, sleeeeeep. Like the poppy’s gentle spread upon my drifting pillow leaves a scent of withering night night…………i love you ambien.
If you’re in triangle toasties, I’m the “hey ladies” one in emails. Hey ladies, we shoudl start a gardening club, amirite? Scuse me I just drank a whole magnu o champagne at Richard’s party because this bouncer would not leave me ALONE untiil I had drinks with him and his friends, they were hot! But Cleome my gardener utterly rules, and I think she should teach us all how to do little things like clean our own garden pots, maybe stencil our names in moss like I saw Kim K do on barnwood, or was it Nigella? Can someone pick me up at the bank? I’m not sure why but I’m at the bank and it’s closed and Richard just dropped me off and left.
*You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you find you get what you need* -Beyonce
i love gardening and interneting on ambien too, so maybe we can start both clubs.
assuming that these posts were all ambien fiction and not an actual real description of a state of peril where you were [are?] combining hallucinogenic sleeping aids with champers, Richard, and his nebbish friends.
please update when awoke.
Hope you are okay, mydonkeyfeet
Video game thread!
Plus a question. I’ve bookmarked the Toastie Steam community in case I get into PC gaming, but does anyToastie still play Xbox360 and want to swap gamer tags? Let’s be friends.
The question of Xbox 360 friends arose because I recently got into the Multiplayer option on Dragon Age Inquisition. I usually avoid multiplayer options because my internet is not always reliable enough to support online play, but I dipped a toe in anyway. I like cooperative play and sometimes that repetitive formula (kill some demons, then rescue a guy, then skill some demons, then rescue some loot) is just what I need to quiet my mind.
Weirdly though, the first time I played I had no trouble hopping into a lobby and storming an elven ruin with a few other internet strangers. Occasionally I’d start a new match on my own, and then a few other players would drop in on my mission as I went along. But every since then, whenever I’ve logged in I have been unable to join up with another other players. Whether I select quick match or create a match, the lobbies stay empty and no one joins up partway through. And it’s pretty challenging to get past the 5th level swarms on your own.
Not sure what’s going on there–bad internet maybe? or did I somehow get a bad reputation that doesn’t show up on my gamer profile? Did everyone quit and get Xbox Ones this week or…?–but it seemed like a good occasion to find out if any other Toastfolk haven’t gone next gen yet. And then if we have the same games, perhaps we can play.
Dang, there’s a Toast Steam group?!? I NEED EET
I still have a 360 and play it sometimes but I’ve always avoided multiplayer games because I’m really more into sandbox/strategy gaming and also I have this weird aversion to swearing 14-year-olds. I don’t own DA:I either. But I’m still happy to swap gamer tags if you want to have a kinda useless pal hanging around. 🙂 If I could be guaranteed to play with only Toast friends online I’d probably be a lot more into multiplayer games.
Here is the Steam!
I am Tanglethis, holla at me! I don’t mind if you don’t have the same games I have, it’s sometimes just fun to see who else is online. My only other Xbox friends at the moment are my brother and a few boys I went to college with, but it’s still nice to see their silly avatar faces.
I support your aversion, but I will say this too: I have a headset but I do not use it, and some games (including DA:I) have an option to mute the other players, so I don’t usually run into the problem of unwanted human noise.
I just got fire emblem fates and I LOVE IT. It’s just like shining force iii, which me and like two other people played. SO GOOD.
Hi hello yes, I have a 360 (and PS4). Mostly play offline coop with Mr Knowsey or single player adventurey games, but if anyone wants to play Left for Dead or Borderlands (1 or 2 of both), I am here for that. Haven’t gotten into Steam yet but perhaps someday soon.
Toasts, it is 11:30 in the morning and already 85 degrees, and on my way to work there was a garbage truck parked in the drive-through lane of Dunkin Donuts. I gesticulated angrily at the driver. He looked at me, opened his cab door, took out a broom, and vanished around the other side of the truck. I am having A Day.
Are you in the Boston area? Because if you are I’m pretty sure “obstructing the dunks” is an offense punishable by vigilante death-justice.
Chicagoland! But I admit, if my car had not been 1/10th the size of the garbage truck, I might have gone Mad Max on him.
I just got back from a conference in Europe, which made my brain feel like bursting but was also super exciting!
It was a little disheartening, though, because it really felt like there was a distinct circle of people who all hung out together and picked each other for talks (and each other’s students for talks) and while I thought I was pretty good at networking, when I actually got there, breaking into that group seemed impossible. I don’t even know if I want to (not sure if I’ll stay in this specific sub field) but I left feeling very strange.
People who live with partners but don’t have merged finances: I need your brilliant systems for doing money!
Boyfriend and I moved in a little over a month ago, so we’re still figuring out how to handle shared expenses. We tried a thing where he would pay for all of our dinners out, movies etc on his credit card and we’d settle up once a month, but that didn’t work great because it was hard to keep track of everything, and I was stressed knowing that I owed him a bunch of money but not how much. We’re going to try going back to settling things up after each time, but that might feel annoying too considering how often it happens.
The other issue is splitting groceries. We like to cook together and share groceries, but in general I spend way more money on groceries than him. I make almost all my meals at home, whereas he does takeout way more often, and also I’m more inclined to buy pricier organic produce and fancy cheese and stuff. So we want to share groceries, but it doesn’t feel fair for his food expenses to go way up to subsidize my lunches and Kerrygold butter. We’ve thought of a few systems but none that feel really easy.
HALP.
We basically just sat down with our budgets/Mint. We outlined which expenses/goals are “us” and which are individual, and then divided the expenses proportionate to income (ymmv, but I made quite a bit less and didn’t want my savings to suffer in the name of equality). We just each track in Mint and try to be communicative(i.e., “I’m getting close on my grocery budget, what can we do about this?”).
That sounds smart, thanks!
Two things that my partner and I have tried have seemed to work well. One is alternating things, so I buy groceries one week and he buys the next week, but that can get stressful because it’s not always the same. The other is to just split everything. Carry cash and hand him your half of the bill, or just split it down the middle. We sort of do a bit of both, but he has moved into a more lucrative job and has been picking up the check for me because eventually, after school, I’ll have a higher earning potential and will be expected to pick up the bill for the rest of my life (kidding, but sort of not). At this point we just assume it all has worked out, and we are pretty open with each other about expenses.
I did the alternating groceries thing with my ex, and it worked out pretty well. We generally did one big grocery trip each week, and planned out the meals for that week in advance, so neither of us was running to the store to “just grab something,” which can definitely add up. The expenses for each individual trip varied quite a bit, but we both felt like they evened up overall. Otherwise, we divided the bills so we were each paying a roughly equal amount, and alternated paying for dinner/drinks/etc.
Thanks, I like those! We have thought about splitting groceries equally, except I’ll pay separately for the stuff that’s pricier that he definitely does not plan to ever consume (y u so expensive, kombucha?).
I don’t even know if this is a good system, but I took the idea from a few friends who did/do this as roommates. My boyfriend and I each have a jar and we each put receipts in the jar for what we’ve spent on shared household goods (groceries we both use, cleaning supplies, decor), as well as the utility we each pay (i have internet, he has electric). At the end of the month we take the receipts out of the jars, settle up the tabs, and figure out who paid more. For the past few months, one of us has only owed about $10 to the other, which is nice. We don’t put beer runs or dinners ordered/eaten out in the jars. We try to alternate who pays for dinners/beer. Usually if one of us picks up beer from the store the other will cover our pizza hut order (adulthood?). If we are out at a restaurant then we usually split the check.
Since I went on a $70 Trader Joe’s run recently, and only $10 of that was spent on communal goods and the other $60 was spent on stuff he won’t eat/drink, I’m just gonna write $10 on a post it and put it in my jar. It’s not perfect, but it’s working so far.
I like that, thanks!
Best thing my fiancee and I ever did before we were at the sharing $$ stage was get a “grocery wallet.”
We each put in cash proportional to our income (after I figured out that fair isn’t always equal), but you might want a slightly different split if you try it. We actually still have a grocery wallet despite finally getting a joint account because it’s really helpful to stay on budget that way. Even when we have money left over, we put in the same amount every week — it’s just the following week we might get a little splurge or eat out together with the “grocery money.” When we were still trying to split grocery expenses without the joint account, any independent eating out went on our personal cards. I figured that since we weren’t sharing it at all, we shouldn’t account for it in the “grocery wallet.” My fiancee ate out a lot more than me, and it was her choice to — she could pack a lunch whenever she wanted — though honestly that did subsidize me. We probably would have had to up our tiny budget in the wallet if she’d eaten out a little less. Edited to add: this is a LITERAL WALLET, in case that wasn’t clear. Logistically, it’s sometimes annoying, but we keep in a drawer so whoever is heading out the door can grab it. ETA2: Actually, we still use our own cards for eating out alone or with friends, but when we’re together we nearly always use the joint account. (probably unneccessary edit, but I want to be clear that we aren’t 100% merged finance-wise, and honestly don’t plan to ever be.)
I actually really love this idea, mostly because the literal shared wallet is cute. Thanks!
There is an app for this! It is called Fairshare, and I think it’s primarily geared towards housekeeping tasks, but it also has a bills section. You just punch in how much you spent on a shared expense and it settles everything (so if boyfriend spends $50 on groceries and you spend $30 on a movie it just says you owe boyfriend $10).
It seems a lot like the credit card solution, but maybe it would help the “I owe an unknown mass of money” feels if you could pull it up and look at it whenever?
Oooh thanks!
I’m interested in what folks have to say about this, too! My partner and I have been living together for almost eight years and I still don’t like our system (although it has gotten easier). We do a big settle-up once a month, the day I get paid. My partner pays the mortgage (we own a house together) and I pay the other bills, including our health insurance (which comes out of my paycheck). We put all of our joint purchases like dinners out and groceries on a credit card that is solely designated for joint purchases. It works the best we’ve found so far, but it is a bit stressful to have no idea how much money I’m going to have left for the entire month after I pay my partner back.
I do like the joint-purchase credit card idea, but I agree that settling up once a month can be stressful! Geez, you think there’d be easier ways to do this. Maybe I should just declare I’m going to stop working and be a housewife, to make money sharing less complicated.
My bf and I take turns with anything food related because we do almost all of that spending over the weekend. one person gets a dinner at a restaurant, next person gets drinks, first person gets produce/farmers market stuff, other person gets grocery store/dry goods. Then there’s an opportunity at the end of the weekend to say, “okay how much did you spend?” And make sure we are both feeling it’s fair.
I’ve done separate accounts (checking and savings) that our paychecks are deposited into, and then a joint checking account into which we would put (or do an automatic transfer) a pre-determined amount of money for joint expenses such as rent, food, ect. Any leftover at the end of the month would be moved to a joint savings, which had a specific purpose (i.e. a vacation we both wanted to go on). It worked out really well and was pretty simple after we figured out how much we needed to put in each month (we based it off a couple months of bills/receipts).
Yeah, my bf and I are moving in together soon and this is our plan. We’ll keep our current bank accounts and open a new one for rent, groceries, bills, cat stuff, and other shared expenses, adjusting how much we each put into it proportionally depending on our incomes. I like the idea of moving the leftovers into a joint savings account! Hadn’t thought of that, def gonna suggest to him.
We do this too with the amounts going toward expenses being proportional* to our incomes
*proportional sharing of the expenses is key. 50-50 doesn’t work when one person makes significantly more than the other.
My husband and I are kinda disorganized and not “systems” people. Keeping receipts and spreadsheets would induce anxiety attacks. We just chose what we pay for and monitor our separate budgets. He pays rent and childcare and entertainment, I pay for groceries and car insurance and other bills. If something is really disproportionate (like a major car repair) then we discuss it. Not recommending this but just putting it out there for other finance-phobes. Imperfect but works okay for us
When I lived with my ex, we both had our own accounts and also a joint account, which we both paid into in accordance with wages. Mortgage, bills and groceries came out of that, then our own accounts were for us to play with.
I’m married, and we have separate accounts. Granted, we have a lot of trust in between us and that’s clearly important for any sort of relationship issue but — we take turns. That’s how it started when we were dating, and that’s how it’s continued into our marriage.
I DO keep a Savings account where our joint savings stays — my bonuses, our tax return, etc. I keep him informed of any major movements I make out of it (we’re splurging in this electronic, or more recently, I’m using some of it to pay for baby/nursery stuff).
But for average expenses — he has certain bills he pays, and I have others. Those are our responsibilities. For day to day experiences like gas, groceries, meals out, we more or less alternate, or every few turns alternate. We also keep in mind that I make a big more than he does, so sometimes I pick up more than he does just because I make a bit more to spend. I’m not sure what your situation is regarding your incomes — maybe they’re equal. But I don’t mind to pick up more lunches because I know I make a bit more.
Also, re: groceries — sometimes, we legit do seperate shopping trips. Not practical for everyone, but I do my weekly stock up on my breakfast/lunches/needs and will definitely get Household needs if necessary — but he’s more responsible for dinners, so he gets those grocery trips and any necessities at that time.
Good luck! Communication is key, I think.
We do “these are my bills, those are your bills” & we split rent equally. When we go out to eat, we split checks between two cards/cash, or one of us treats but we don’t worry about paying each other back. So Mr. Editor takes care of internet, electricity, laundry, netflix. I take care of gas, dry cleaning, groceries (I also buy high-quality produce, fancy cheeses, good wine, but it’s all mine to manage for the two of us), hulu, software subscriptions. Plus our individual student loans. He doesn’t have to “subsidize your lunches & Kerrygold” if you’re okay paying for it for the two of you & you know he’s making up expenses to be “fair” in other areas of household expenses.
I’m a fan of the shared acct w debit card approach and was introduced to it while flatting so no reason it can’t also work for partners.
We split utilities and rent 33/66 because the dude has kids who live w us 50% of the time so he takes the bulk of that and is now increasing his share of the food costs as they are turning into pre-teen eating monsters.
Our system is using Toshl app w an agreed budget and use that to identify when the other person needs to step up or fling $$$$ at the other.
We used splitwise to track our expenses for awhile and that worked reasonably well. If I recall correctly you can fairly easily weigh certain expenses so can choose to pay more less of a portion of certain things if you want to do it that way. And you can download the app so it’s easy to do as you go and then you know where you both stand in terms of who might owe the other money. Neither of us particularly cared for having to actually transfer money to each other so we’d just keep alternating who paid for stuff until we ended up even. It worked out reasonably well for us. We eventually stopped actually tracking. I think around the time we got married. We kind of intended to actually join finances, but haven’t gotten around to it yet. Over the years we kind of developed a reasonable routine of what we each pay for that leaves us with spending money and stuff. One day we will eventually get around to joining finances. Probably if we ever decide to move…
Ex and I got a shared credit card account. Kept our other expenses separate, but used the AmEx for anything that was for both of us.
Worked pretty well and make it easier to sever ties when the time came (not that you expressed any concern about that). Ex was TERRIBLE with money, so even if we’d talked marriage I would have aimed to keep up this system.
I’m very late to the party but I’m catching up on the Open Thread while I eat my lunch :).
I wanted to add an alternative option: setting up an account just in your name (or his name) but using it as if it is joint. I’m not sure how it works in the US but joint accounts in the UK are seen as a financial link to someone and are shown on credit report etc. (and their credit score can affect yours). That can be quite a big step especially if you’re early on in your relationship (I’m 10 years into mine and we still haven’t joined finances…although mostly because laziness).
So my suggestion would be to open up a new account in just your name or his name, but use it solely for couple things. Both of you put in money at the beginning of the month for what you think you’ll spend on groceries/toiletries/rent/netflix etc.; it can also be for stuff like going out to dinner, or putting money towards a holiday together as well. Maybe also add a little float just in case, and then share the card for couple purchases. Then at the end of the month you can have a quick check to see if what you both put in was fair (say you bought some extra expensive groceries that month, or he bought a really expensive moisturiser or something). And if you have any left over in the account, that could go towards couple entertainment or could be split between you.
This could all be done with a joint account (and could be better because that way you’d have two cards) but if you’re not ready to take that step, this has similar benefits. The only problem would be if the account balance got very high (say if you use it to save for a couple’s holiday) and you split up on bad terms; then the person who ‘owns’ the account could just keep that money and it would be up to their generosity to split it. To prevent that you could just split up money once it reaches a certain threshold (e.g., if there’s more than $50 at the end of the month, the rest is split between you), or just at the end of every month.
Sorry for the long post! I think about financial stuff a lot so thought I’d add in an extra idea. Also my knowledge is UK-based so disregard if it’s not the same in the US.
To me personally this idea is more appealing than checking everything at the end of the month – I get anxious knowing that money is owed, or knowing that the money in my account is actually already gone. But as I said, it’s just my personal preference.
HAHAHA, here’s our system:
We moved in together in october. I was unemployed until April. He basically paid for most things requring cash but I ended up with a small pile of CC debt too. Once I got some income I said, lets talk finances, we talked about them for a little bit until he got wierd googly eyes and got stressed, and was like, I need a minute, this is complicated and we should get it right.
A few days later he said he was ready to talk joint accounts again, but then i was like, ugh it’s so dull, lets go out to lunch instead…and thus our system is….NO SYSTEM AT ALL.
Thanks for the reminder, we need to do this soon. The end.
Edited to add: there’s a basic assumption amongst us that unless one of us reveals a horrible hidden monster underbelly of evil in the next few months we’re probably going to do the whole committment thing, so I think it will all wash out in the end. Plus we take home about the same paycheck each month.
I have a new foster cat. She hates.
(she doesn’t hate anything in particular, mind you, just everything and everyone.)
That cat is definitely too witches. A+ would have as familiar.
Crookshanks, is that you?
I want this picture on a big piece of posterboard so I can wear it around my neck forever.
More glowering:
Her name is Illy and she’s Hungarian (from Pecs)!
This is clearly a cat destined for her own YouTube channel of Hatery.
I would subscribe- yes
The contrast with that pillow could not be more exquisite.
This is the perfect picture to use as a reply when some troll posts incoherent nonsense on social media.
I adore her.
EDIT: holy ginormous picture, Batman.
It’s hard to tell, but Triggvy is about to reach out and whop the hell out of my brother in this picture. He defends chairs fiercely, and objects to being touched, approached, or addressed. Except when he doesn’t.
Please tell her I love her.
Awww. She’s such an adorable little fuzzy spite bundle. Give her all the cuddles (that she hates).
i love her
On the plus side, I bet she will be awesome at helping you cast spells and/or create potions, and will enjoy broomstick rides at night.
what a gorgeous floof!
it this kitty really is hatey, you can try some play therapy. some kitties have lots of pent-up energy they no longer have an outlet for, and play time can really make them feel better.
She also hates playing.
Nah, she’s not really hatey, she just growls at everything. She’s only been at my place for 24 hours, she’ll get better.
She even growls when eating tuna! Graaow-nom-nom-grom
Poor sweetie! Growling while eating sounds like she has been surrounded by bullies who want to steal her food. Hopefully there are fewer bullies in your house and she’ll come out of her hate shell soon. <3
IT MEEEEEEEE
I procrastinated in writing my student assessments, which led to me doing 33 of them today. My eyes hurt.
I’ve been staying with my boyfriend for the last week and a half while in between apartments. I’ll be here for another week. We’ve been dating since February but only official boyfriend/girlfriend for a couple of weeks. I’m amazed at how nice it feels and how it easy it is to go “Let’s just stay at home all day, I like you best anyway”. I don’t think I would be quite so complacent if I had more close friends in the city, but so far all of the friends I have here are really more casual friends that I happen to see a lot. Expat life, I guess. I do want to figure out how to meet more people I genuinely want to be close friends with, but I suppose for now having a nice boyfriend and casual friends who give me something to do most weekends is pretty nice too.
Kitty Fantastic somehow escaped from our new house, and I’m now going to be nervous forever. It worked out fine – she stayed close to the house and I was able to get her back in, eventually. But…. it so easily could not have. She’s a found kitty, and can still be so skittish and scared. It took forever to let me pet her, let alone transition her into being a happy indoor cat. I ultimately had to rip open a screen in the basement near where she was hiding outside, because she was too scared to come to me or go in the front door.
Now she’s just being the cuddliest little creature, and enjoying all of my guilt driven attention. Cats.
I have a skittish kitty too- and when she got out, I cried for HOURS as I looked for her. Eventually- she was found. And now she wears a neon colored harness so I can find her in the dark if she gets out again. It was SO SCARY.
Kitty Fantastic is a cutie pie.
I’m so glad your kitty was safe! It really is so scary.
I think I’ll have to try the harness thing. I tried once a few years ago, and she freaked out and got out of it post haste, but she’s much more chill now.
I once thought my cats had escaped and was hysterical because I didn’t believe I would ever be able to find them. It turns out the hellbeasts had climbed through a loose grating in my utility closet, climbed up the pipes of the hot water heater, and nestled in a little hole in the wall that was completely hidden when you looked into the closet unless you squeezed in besides the hot water heater and looked up above the door frame. Goddamn cats.
Who’s the sweetest little escapee?!
When my jerkwad cat was a wee babe, he snuck out the front door and ran straight into a busy road while I chased after, sobbing and hyperventilating. While I was cotching him my sweet cat, who ordinarily is too delicate and important for going outside, got out too! And I didn’t even notice she was missing until the next morning, when I heard her crying from under the porch where she’d spent the night!
Oh cats, you are such darling garbage monsters…
Oh nos! I feel 100% better knowing that things like this happen toother people too, and 1000% better that both your escape artists (and you!) made it through ok.
Your cats are the darlingest little monsters. I hope they and Kitty Fantastic all forget that going outside is even a possibility, forever and ever.
Scary! But she’s a beautiful scaremonger. I like her ears.
I’ve seen collars especially for indoor cats in orange or some bright color that’s supposed to help people identify them as sneaky indoorsies and catch them instead of ignoring them. No idea if they work. My understanding is that most indoor cats immediately go into hiding (nearby) when they enter the unknown outside world.
She has the perfect tiny bobcat face.
Things, especially sex and relationship things, are going really well right now; almost….. suspiciously well. A girl I had a thing for but who ghosted me nearly a year ago got back in touch, apologized, and now we are sex friends. On the online dating front, people are viewing my profile and messaging me. My day job is going smoothly. I have ideas for new pieces and have started sketching them out, instead of being tired all the time and ignoring them. I’m having great conversations with friends and going to parties What sorcery is all this? Did I accidentally summon a Dark Force by dropping toothpaste into the sink in an occult pattern?
How are things going suspiciously well for you, toast folks?
If you figure out how you did it, please share. I could use some of that luck.
Hmmm, how would you even go about summoning Dark Forces non-accidentally? I’m pretty good at drawing, so I could draw a circle and arcane symbols, but I don’t know what I’d put in the center. Kale? I have kale? Kale for a healthy relationship and also the Dark Forces are looking a little anemic?
i started seeing someone who is really into me but also leaves me alone for days at a time because we’re both so introverted that once a week is enough. oh and they also text back right away but don’t pester me.
i think they might be a hallucination.
That sounds like a really great hallucination. 10/10 would hallucinate again.
Right? The dude I’m seeing was like, “I’m sorry, I need an Introvert Weekend this weekend, but we could hang out on Monday?” and I was like, are you kidding, don’t be sorry, that may be the greatest thing anyone has ever said to me. I get a whole weekend to myself! You know how being an introvert works! When you’re feeling introverted, you tell me with grownup words instead of hanging out anyway and being a pissy baby!
(Also he’s a total sweetheart and the sex is fantastic! What is happening?!?!?!)
romantically, things continue to go non-suspiciously terribly– but life-wise, i’m graduating with two degrees on sunday and i have an APARTMENT that will be waiting for me when i arrive in new york in a few months and i have lots of lovely travel with lovely heartfriends planned between now and then and surely something terrible is going to happen, won’t it?
left a terrible job last year for a less stressful one, and then got moved this year to a different, related, but better job in my field of choice, and now they’re sending me abroad on a paid work trip to an amazing place for the next three weeks. [2 of those weeks are with my boss but it’s still ok.] i am having suspiciously good work luck, miss alicevaguely. suspicious.
So my family trip to Spain and Portugal went fine, the xanax was a blessing, nobody missed any flights, and once we were en route my anxiety did indeed transition into basic annoyance with air travel. However, traveling overseas with SEVEN people, and trying to coordinate with NINE people once we got there (two met us from England), is not something I wish to do again anytime soon. In fact, my spouse and I reflected on it and realized we haven’t been on a vacation alone aside from long weekends basically ever, so that’s next year’s plan.
We were fortunate to get off the waiting list at the literal best restaurant in the world, El Celler de Can Roca. It was such an adventure! We perhaps unwisely decided to do the longer tasting menu (something like 18 courses?), and it took hours and hours, which was fun but by the end we were really dragging, plus we had an hour drive back to our rental house after. Plus two of us had the nastiest vacation cold in the WORLD, which did not increase our stamina!
The food was, needless to say, amazing. Each course was only a couple mouthfuls, with really neat presentations (a branched stand for oyster spoons that looked like coral, a bonsai olive tree with little ice cream olives hanging off it, a cardboard “pop up” thing with buildings and stands for amuse bouches, that kind of thing) (ps olive ice cream is a thing you only need to try once). I was amazed at how intense the flavors were, in such small packages, and the pork belly was maybe one of the best things I’ve ever, ever put in my mouth in my entire life. Some of the dishes didn’t land for me — the green olive ice cream, the nearly raw langoustine (I have A Thing about raw shrimp) — but mostly they were delicious. The service and wine pairings were excellent, of course. My sister and brother in law, who work in food, got a couple of cookbooks, and when we were on our way out, Joan was there and was gracious enough to sign them for them.
Overall, it was an incredible experience, and I’m so glad we stuck it out for the longer menu, but man we all slept until noon the next day 😀
Ahhh! This sounds amazing! What an adventure. Congratulations on surviving a vacation with that many people. For real. That’s an accomplishment.
Oh, I’m so glad you survived and had a decent time! And that the pre-travel terror transmuted into the usual “ugh air travel is gross” irritation. PHEW.
Oh I’m glad it went well (-ish at least)! And that meal!!! What an experience.
YAYYYY!!!
I’m so glad you had A Meal To Remember, and glad you had some excellent sleep afterwards. I definitely would like to try green olive ice cream. I am meh about vegetables in cake or pie, but find savory ice creams and sorbets strangely compelling (so long as they do not have meat in them). Maybe this is because they’re a technical challenge I’ve futzed with a little bit– getting a smooth, non-icy texture without a moderate sugar content is HARD.
Yeah usually I’m game for anything and actually really enjoyed the white asparagus and truffle ice cream that was part of my spouse’s vegetarian menu. But man it was so olivey and cold and intense and weird! But fun too!
I posted this on twitter, but it’s too perfect not to share everywhere. When shopping for postcards for more toast post I found this, the perfect specimen:
(also if you sent me toast post I will send something back soon!)
that is MADNESS — beautiful, perfect MADNESS. 10/10
Well, this week I suddenly remembered a time when I was 14/15 and tried my hand at writing song lyrics and they were really bad and I’m pretty sure I deleted them because I couldn’t find the Word document I had them on, but I’m not completely sure. I’ve been thinking about asking my folks about visiting a hypnotist because I’ve heard of people finding things they lost through hypnotism, but IDK if I’ll ever actually do it.
On a more cheerful note, my sister is an ensemble member in Into the Woods and I’m going to see her tonight and I’m SO PROUD OF HER (at least partially because I was also in theater in high school).
Is anyone around from the NYC-based Facebook group The Coterie? I deactivated my account for the moment but I MISS YOU GUYS SO MUCH (even though you won’t know who I am bc Toast anonymity). How did the tea party go? How is everyone who has been processing break up feels this spring? How are the job searchers? Here’s a fun picture for the Friday OT: https://twitter.com/go_animals/status/74127074308…
I am! Break up feels came up again today because the guy didn’t answer my check-in text, but fortunately my antidepressants have made it easier for me to realize that he is probably sad and distracted by what is going on with his mom and not because he hates me or is annoyed by me checking in on him. So overall positive! I am also digging this weather.
OH HEY buddy! I am sorry that he didn’t reply, but your logic is sound. I am REALLY glad to hear the meds are working, and yeah, this weather is a magical balm for those of us with downer brain programming. I’ve been to the beach a lot recently and can’t wait for the ocean to be warm enough for me to swim in it.
Hugs hugs hugs, thanks for the update.
Hey so is membership permanently closed on that group? I’ve sent a few emails (as instructed) but never heard anything!
Aw, sorry to hear that, I think the email address circulating just doesn’t get checked that often? It’s a pretty welcoming crowd of witches. If I was still on FB I’d figure out who to connect you with — hopefully someone who can help will pop up in this thread (and if I get back on FB before July 1, I’ll come back here and reply!).
No worries, just curious!
Yep, same. I’ve never heard anything either.
See comment below – I asked the group admin and she said there’s a big backlog of people to approve but everyone will get added.
Dang, I think I first emailed like a year ago? And then a few times since. Fortunately there have been some meetups organized here in the comments instead of via Facebook.
Hey, I just checked in with the group admin – there is a really huge backlog of users (esp. with the toast closing announcement) to approve so it’s taking a while. Someone is adding new users, it’s just slow right now.
Okay, thanks. That must be some backlog, my first email was sent in Feb!
Ah well, I found some NYC toast-friends a different way.
Any bullet journaling Toasties? I want to start one and really think this style of tracking will help me. I’ll take any and all advice!
My good wishes to all of you <3
I’m planning on starting one! I have no advice but will be checking in on this thread.
I love my (modified) bullet journal. Things I’ve found useful that aren’t standard:
1. Create a “future planning” two-page spread. Half of each page for each of the next three months, plus the last half page for future events. Each half page has the calendar drawn in the left hand corner. I list events and due dates in the boxes. About a week before the next month, I draw out my…
2. Monthly 2-page spread. I really like the general format of Boho Berry’s monthly spread, though I don’t use her color-coding. Having one column for all day, one for day time, and one for the evening is super helpful! Having the horizontal lines delimiting weeks makes it much easier to interpret visually.
3. Page threading, in all its forms, is super useful for being able to find things efficiently.
4. Finally, be willing to change things around for a while. Don’t worry if you start collections you don’t need or if you initially choose layouts you don’t like. Do as much ornamentation as you feel like on a given day; don’t worry about making them Instagram perfect unless you want to. Flexibility is bullet journaling’s greatest strength, and being useful is more important than being consistent.
I just started. I’m not doing great at using all the symbols and indices, but it’s definitely helped me to keep all my lists in one place and actually look at them.
I use the system on and off! I like the idea of keeping a journal but I’m not always about *~*writing in a journal*~* you know? So it’s nice to have a system to log events and happenings of note, for me it takes the pressure off.
I don’t get into elaborate layouts or a lot of the future-planning stuff, but I do have a weekly page for work goals and to-dos I’ve just started using, and that’s been helping keep me on track during a slow period.
I started last year and really love it. Best advice is don’t top-load the experience with a ton of washi tape and multicolored pens. If you’re just trying to get the hang of it actual scratch paper is a great way to test-drive and see if it works for you. I started mine in the notebook I was using as a disorganized catch-all by putting a Post-It note on the first page and going from there. WHen that’s full I’d love to find something smaller. Still trying to cram it all into a pocket Moleskine with no success.
Do you want to see a Canada Goose vs Eagle battle? Of course you do!
I just finished reading Snow Crash last night. Has anyone else read it? I enjoyed parts of it, but I also had issues with parts of it.
Me! I felt similarly, but overall I liked it – not enough to reread, but enough to be glad I read it. I did read it as part of a college class, though, and I think that made it easier to enjoy, because looking at it critically was part of the point of reading it and part of what I enjoyed.
I read it! I remember liking the teenage skater girl character, and being annoyed with everyone else.
Y.T. was awesome, but I kind of have issues with the bit with her and Raven.
That was, even at the time I read it, an extremely off-putting part of the novel for me.
I just.
One, he is not your boyfriend, Y.T. Just because he called you his girlfriend does not mean you have to think of him as your boyfriend. You need a better definition of “boyfriend.”
Two… ok, you know what, let’s just say her reactions are Stockholm syndrome and go with it.
Three, how could you possibly forget that???
Three A, also I am very unclear on how that would actually work. And how does removal/insertion work? What are the safety features?
Four, fuck you, Hiro, for being entertained by Y.T.’s explanation of what happened.
That might be the only part of the book I remember well enough to discuss, because:
1) ABSOLUTELY
2) Uh… yeah. What? What? And also, what?
3) I… don’t know.
3A) Very carefully, I presume!
4) Cosigned.
2) I suppose it might be meant as satire? If it is, it’s still entirely terrible.
3A) I most want some kind of detail about what protects the user from the mechanism when it’s just being worn. Y.T. is a very active young woman, and I’m worried that it might make her lose consciousness in 100 km/h traffic if she twitches her hips the wrong way.
I read it a long time ago and absolutely had some major issues with parts of it but enjoyed lots of it, too.
I read it when I was like 13 and loved it, later I was told it was broadly satirical–which I can see–but at the time it’s saturday morning cartoon-ness was basically the coolest thing to me.
I haven’t gone back since though.
I mean, I can’t take a book too seriously when the main character is named Hiro Protagonist.
I think maybe some of the satire went over my head – I haven’t read much older cyberpunk stuff, and also I was all of nine years old when it was published so if it referenced then-current events then I probably mostly missed that.
Yeah I mean I’ve read four or five of Gibson’s novels and none of Sterlings, so I couldn’t swear that it’s satire so much as sort of taking the piss but I sit here and think back and large parts of it have a fairly strong cyberpunk-Tracer Bullet vibe now that I’m older and have read enough (in general and Stephenson particularly) to spot when some one is trying on a bit of hyperbolic pastiche.
I read it a while ago. I’m glad I did, because it’s such a big influence on the cyberpunk genre and it had some really cool ideas (like the word virus thing?? it’s been a while) but yeah. Issues.
It’s 24 years old and It Shows. But it’s still a great book.
I read it so long ago all I can remember is the name Y.T.! But at the time I liked it a lot, mostly because I’d never read anything like it before.
I remember liking that book, but I remember liking The Diamond Age (by the same author) more. It’s a bit more up-to-date, a bit less goofy, and has better female characters.
I will have to add that to my to-read list!
I keep meaning to re-read that but afraid that it wouldn’t be as kind to the female characters as I remembered.
from what I remember, it’s p. good on the female character front, but made me pretty uncomfortable about the racial/social politics (not super qualified to talk about the sliiiightly weird Chinese stuff except that it made me feel uncomfortable, but the whole Victorian underclass had a distinct smack of “benefits culture”, as beloved by our Conservative government).
Yes! Love the Diamond Age. Also, there’s a possibility the books are set in the same universe, and YT is the headmistress Nell interacts with who talks about her days as a skater/whatever it’s called
I read it and went, “why does that seem so familiar”, and then remembered that a poetry professor of mine had suggested we read the book, “The origins of conciousness in the breakdown of the bicameral mind”, which was, as he said, rich fodder for poetical thought. I think I wrote an undergrad essay on the links between the two books.
Oh, look, it’s June 10. That means I have 14 days to complete my move, assuming the renters whose contract I was reviewing at midnight last night come through with the checks today.
Nope, not overwhelmed at all, why’d you ask? Sure, it would help if Mr Daki wasn’t going to be 5000 miles away throughout, and also if my sister would get her butt in gear to clear her possessions out of the house we’re moving into, but hey. I can take a little challenge, right?
If my kid doesn’t like this new school we’re moving to get him closer to, I’m going to destroy him. One of these days, he had better be a famous composer so y’all can clamor about how you remember when he was just beginning his intensive musical education and how his mom made sacrifices* to help him on his journey.
*throwing all the elementary school paperwork into the recycling bin without taking a few hours to sniffle over it, because who has that kind of time? TWO WEEKS TO MOVE!
They will look at you and roll their eyes when you present grown-daki-children with sentimental mom-mementoes. If they are anything like my family. Do not feel one bit guilty!
Good luck on your move, I have moved with kids too many times and it’s really hard work. I hope your move goes smoothly.
Toastie help please! I need new cardigans! I have a feeling you all know something about cardigan availability. Where oh where can a lady get a fitted cardigan suitable for a pretty classic hourglass figure that is both affordable and able to withstand a bunch of wear and tear because I can’t live if livin’ is without my cardigans.
I have no advice, being in a similar predicament myself, but I too can’t live if livin’ is without my cardigans. CARDIGANS FIST BUMP!
Have to wear a sleeveless shirt to the office because of laundry day? Cardigan. Bizarro HVAC that might broil you Tuesday then freeze you Wednesday? Cardigan. Unsure of weather? Want a pop of color? Need people to feel you’re somewhat librarianish without having to do anything? Cardigan, cardigan, cardigan!
What up, I have an hourglass figure and I have acquired most of my favorite cardigans of late from Marshall’s. I do not require my cardigans to close all the way (they rarely do) but I do require them to be a little structured (no handkerchief hems or asymmetrical whatnots) yet stretchy and forgiving, and Marshall’s has a bunch like that in unexciting but serviceable white, navy, and black.
I have found terrific stuff at Marshall’s but I just can’t get out there every weekend to keep an eye out.
My favorite cardigan that I found at Marshall’s was a plain August Silk one. As it turns out, it’s super easy to find them at places like Macy’s too! I don’t button them up either.
While Marshall’s hasn’t expanded online yet, TJ Maxx has (and you can return stuff to stores in person). This was exciting for my cardigan collection, but not fantastic for my budget.
I have a similar figure and I really like the Charter School cardigans from Modcloth.
I like the colors! And it seems they aren’t as long on as they are on the dressform maybe?
For the summer, I like J Crew Factory cotton cardigans. I have them in multiple colours and they wear better than anything else and are very stretchy to accommodate my hourglass figure. They’re very basic (except for the colours, if you’re into that) so won’t ever look dated. PLUS they’re 40% off right now
Yes, mine, now All Mine! Thank you!
Not super-cheap but I have a closet full of J.Crew Jackie’s that have stood up to years of everyday wear. They are worth it!
A second vote for J. Crew! The last time I went cardigan hunting I literally stood in the middle of J. Crew wailing (well, quietly wailing) “But it’s J. Crew? How can they not have any black cardigans?!”
Me too! When I got out my summer clothes from storage I wondered if I needed to move away from my work wardrobe of dress-and-Jackie cardigan and immediately decided, no, still good!
I have found some amazingly great ones at anthropologie! You have to be good about finding the ones you love and then stalking them until they go on sale (I always add them to my online shopping cart and then check in every few days)!
I am short and curvy and I like they they always seem to have a bunch of cardigans cut for you to wear with a skirt or dress (so, a bit shorter, not cardigans that hang down around your bum). I’ve also found quite a few cute ones with sweetheart neckline or other interesting details.
Also, J.Crew sale on sale section (recently they had 40% off sale prices?), surprisingly good deals on merino and cashmere (cotton as well, of course). I would not pay full price for their blends of those fibers anymore, but on sale I think they’re a good deal!
I always forget that anthropologie isn’t actually the total worst and is in fact sometimes a place to get great things. And also A Third Vote for J. Crew! Thank you!
Haha I have a total love-hate relationship with them, but I have to grudgingly admit I’ve found some of my favorite sweaters there.
Why did they have to make so much crap for no reason at all? I don’t get it. They had a thing that worked for them and they decided to mess it up because? No idea.
LOFT has amazing cardigans! Pretty much every color and print, and they have nice lightweight ones for the summer! Plus they have good sales all the time.
I love LOFT. I really do.
Somewhat hit or miss, but my FAVORITE cardigan and I will literally die if it falls apart on me or I lose it is from Banana Republic. Nice stretch, good lines, buttons well & looks nice open, not too long, not too short. I’ve had it for years with, frankly, near-daily wear. Not every cardigan from there is created equal, but this one is the best I’ve ever had. I feel about as strongly about cardigans as you seem to. I was definitely the girl in high school who wore high-waisted shorts, cardigans and wedges, which was um…not a “cool kid” look in the early aughts. But I look back and am pretty proud. I keep trying on blazers, think it’s going to work, but cardigans all the way.
So I’m kind of living a bad sitcom plot right now. I had someone that I kind of knew move into the spare bedroom in my apartment. They seemed cool enough that I figured that we could get along without too many issues. Now a month later, we spend almost all our free time together and we’re up until 2 or 3 AM just talking and sometimes making out. I’m totally on board but they’re a bit hesitant so I am being patient and not pushing too hard.
Wow this is a wild ride of a comment! Congrats! (?) May you both continue to enjoy whatever level of closeness is comfortable for you both.
You scared me there for a minute, because I really thought you were going to say that this person is a nightmare. But it’s the opposite! I hope you two continue to have a good time!
Hello, Toasties! This is my first time commenting/posting on an OT here, and I’m sad it took me this long (and this soon before The Toast closes) to do so. But I wanted to share that, after several years of denial and false starts, I’ve finally decided to pursue a career in the library science field.
I’m looking into the process of applying for different library science programs but am still figuring out the nuances of each of the different sectors of library science work (academic, public, special, etc.) and wanted to get some advice from any librarian/librarian-adjacent Toasties. Do you have any advice about applying to schools/experience in a certain sector of librarianship? Or just life advice in general? I am eagerly accepting any tidbits from you knowledgeable folks. Thanks in advance!
Yay librarians! When I started my degree I knew I wanted to be an academic teaching librarian, but one of the first classes I took (I went to Drexel; did all the coursework online so I could keep adjuncting and working part-time while going to school) basically walked through many of the different career paths available – and there were so many things I’d never even considered that were really interesting to learn about, even though I didn’t change my mind.
But because it comes at the beginning of the program, it would be easy to use that as a way to sort of figure out what was really interesting and then take future classes accordingly.
Also, looking through course catalogs at schools you’re interested in could be a good way of figuring out what floats your boat AND of seeing who offers what kinds of classes, which could guide your school choice too.
Drexel was pricey, but I don’t regret it at all. The coursework was challenging, but I learned so much. And I have an MLIS, which looked more attractive than an MLS for a lot of the jobs I was applying for (nothing against MLS, but I do have some friends who had a harder time finding a job with an MLS rather than an MLIS, but that could have just been them, too *shrugs*)
This is great, thank you! I was mostly looking at Univeristy of Illinois for its in-state tuition, but I’ll look into Drexel’s as well. And that’s good to know re: MLIS vs. MLS.
Hi! I am going to recycle some of the advice I have given others on this exact topic on this exact website. Hope this helps:
Get a job in a library or library-ish department first. Get the degree later.
You might also want to look into the library-technician diplomas at the trade-college level: they will be much more useful practical skills that will get you hired right away (at less investment).
The MLIS is more of an administrative/managerial degree that will be a lot more useful to you after you have experience, and can tailor it towards the workplace you’re in. And there are *lots* of people out there with the degree but no experience who are sitting around unemployed with huge student debt.
If your workplace suggests that an MLIS is a good idea, get them to support you, pay for part of it, give you an accommodating work schedule, and/or bring you back to full-time after you graduate / give you an immediate promotion.
Get to know some other librarians first (try Twitter, Tumblr, etc). Drop a line to the local Library Association and ask if you can be introduced to some librarians who will take you out for coffee and/or let you sit in on their meetings and events. It’s important to get exposure to the breadth of information work and get some concrete goals and skill-lists down before you pay any money for any education or professional development. Go in knowing exactly what you want to get out of it.
There are also lots of free webinars and online chats you can attend!
I appreciate this, thanks–and thanks for rehashing it for me! I’ve set up meetings with a few different librarians in my area (via connections with friends and coworkers), and I’m planning on getting in touch with some folks at the American Library Association as well (I’m based in Chicago.) I’ll definitely mine Twitter and Tumblr for information as well.
Long time lurker, reaching out to OT in need of advice.
Does anyone have tips about how to deal with someone they have to see a lot, but really dislike? Usual story of a new person being brought into a friend group that everyone else seems to really enjoy, but I am just not feeling it. I’ve tried positive thinking, just rolling with things, but none of it is working. I don’t want to bring up that I find this person boring and draining because I don’t want drama (I also feel horrible because everyone else seems fine with them), so I thought I’d reach out to all of you for more advice. Anything at all is appreciated.
I am not a fan of just rolling with things because, as you’ve noticed, it doesn’t really work all that well. Have you talked with the older friends about this person? It could be others are feeling uncomfortable but don’t want to say anything, either. If, after you confirm that everyone else thinks this person is a delight, it might be necessary for you to just limit your time with that group of friends. Good luck.
I have tried, on occasion, imagining that I was an anthropologist working on an ethnographer of a culture that I did not understand, and that Person Whom I Didn’t Like was my chief contact with that culture.
For me, that works when it’s just one person. It didn’t lead to becoming friends, but it helped me quantify precisely what I found difficult about them, dramatically decreased my degree of annoyance, gave me some emotional distance, and helped me feel that I was working on a project (Understand Mystifying Person).
That technique doesn’t work for me when there is a whole cluster of people I find trying. In *that* situation, I haven’t come up with anything better than avoiding / withdrawing from them, partly because when I feel like the odd one out, it’s hard for me to remember that there’s nothing wrong with my own preferences.
I hope you find a solution that works for you!
So, my living situation from last week has been sorted! We are making lemonade out lemons of our eviction & are moving out of the city to a completely gorgeous place 45 minutes away.
Am writing this from IKEA where we are buying shiny new wardrobes and bathroom storage 😀
I’m glad you found a gorgeous place! I hope your move goes as smoothly as possible.
This is by far my favorite eviction story *ever*. You enjoy the hell out of that lemonade.
Better grab my last shot at shameless promotion! I’m the artist who immortalized Nicole’s Sansa and just wanted to give a shout out to my RedBubble page (RedBubble.com/people/West50East) and [email protected].
Please come check them out; beginning today, a portion of any sale, no matter how small, goes to a rotating set of legit animal rescue organizations, ie. BCSPCA, Circle F Horse Rescue, etc.
That’s it, gotta run ’cause I have a hot date with a manure fork!
Oh I really really like your art style! Thanks for posting this!
I ordered some stickers. The cowgirl with flaming head is delightful.
Thank you!
I just got my first Toast Post from RoseCamelia (which, if she’s here, was overwhelmingly lovely and I can’t wait to write back) and I believe it was one of your cards! Your work is gorgeous, awesome style!
Awesome! Toasties are the best!
@Rose_Camelia used one of your art cards to send me Toast Post, and I loooooove it. You’re so talented.
SQUEE!
Cool!! I love your stuff!! Your horses are fantastic.
Thank you! Horses are my inspiration in putting pencil to paper, that’s for sure.
Hello, Toasties! This is my first time commenting/posting on an OT here, and I’m sad it took me this long (and this soon before The Toast closes) to do so. But I wanted to share that, after several years of denial and false starts, I’ve finally decided to pursue a career in the library science field.
YAY, ANOTHER ONE OF US JOINS THE FOLD.
So, the-toast tote bag… Real or a figment of my broken heart?
Asking for a friend. Who NEEDS one like oxygen. No pressure. <3
Hello everyone! I’m mostly an eternal lurker, but I read the Toast every day during my free period (I’m a high school teacher) and it basically got me through an incredibly difficult year. Today is the last instructional day of school and I feel…weird. Light and floaty and also very emotional.
Recently I decided I wanted to start posting my writing more regularly, so I made a website, which is inspired by the Toast in some ways, though mostly on the more serious side. I write about teaching, books, and faith, at outoftheatlas.com, and I have a link-roundup type thing as well. If you are looking for more places to go on the internet, you can go there, if you want to.
Thank you all, for everything! I hope you all have a lovely Friday 🙂
Hurray for Toasties making our own spaces! Best wishes!
Thanks! I’m really excited to read yours as well!
I added you to my RSS feed, which is a good reminder that I need to make sure to turn on that option for mine…
Your website looks so nice! I love reading teacher blogs. Do you have a twitter as well?
I do, but I *just* made it, @outoftheatlas. I haven’t even posted anything yet; I’m still lurking and trying to figure out how twitter works…
*bookmarks*
I’m a high school teacher, too, and have the same Toast reading pattern. It’s not exactly what we’re paid to do during our free periods, but we aren’t really getting paid that much, so it works out, don’t you think?
I’ll start reading your website and I hope we can be internet friends! I love connecting with other teachers out there in the ether.
Yay! Yeah, I do so much work after school and on weekends that I don’t feel the slightest bit guilty about reading the Toast at work sometimes, excellent use of time in my opinion
Hi toasties, I am in need of your suggestions! At the end of the month, there will be a period of two weeks where I have literally no things to do other than wait for news that will either be okay or life-changing and terrible. I need activities that will distract me from constant worrying/anxiety, preferably activities so engaging that they do not leave my brain any freedom to think (bonus if they make me exhausted enough that I could actually sleep).
My usual favorite time-consuming activities are out: reading is too thought-provoking and hiking allows way too much time for my brain to obsess over the outcome. Any ideas? So far, all I have planned is marathoning Game of Thrones, organizing iTunes, attempting some intense workout videos, baking something super complicated (suggestions welcome), and finding a way to blast music in the shower (too much thinking happens in the shower). I need two full weeks though…
i STRONGLY believe in the tv marathon as escapism — key is things that feel intellectually stimulating without being stressful, for me at least. the west wing has a bajillion seasons and often fell into that camp for me.
cooking elaborate things that require concentration? yoga/meditation if your brain is one that allows for that?
best of luck!
Deep cleaning/intense cooking while watching/listening to Betany Hughes (or other) documentaries on the ancient world is a wonderful way to shut out all excess thoughts while getting to feel doubly productive. Dice everything and make ratatouille while learning about the bad ass women of Sparta. Scrub your baseboards and discover the divine feminine.
Are you crafty at all? Because those are some excellent time-consuming activities. You can adjust the brain-engaging by choosing something more difficult or with a new technique.
I’m crocheting an afghan right now and it is an EXCELLENT way to eat up a couple of weeks. Especially if you mix and match colors and motifs.
Volunteer to walk shelter dogs? That seems like a nice way of being active and outside with creatures who demand the best kind of attention.
Gaming! Games are great for escapism because they consume your time and attention and really draw you in, but you don’t actually have to think for real and they’re not important or emotional. I like big sandboxes, such as Morrowind, Skyrim and The Sims. They are awesome to lose yourself in while waiting for something terrible that you can’t do anything about (speaking from experience).
Seconding the video gaming, if that’s something you’re into. Honest to god, during stressful, emotionally-complicated times, I find few things more soothing than booting up a nice game of Civilization or Skyrim and living a life that’s not mine for a couple hours.
I got a cheap waterproof bluetooth speaker that I use to play music in the shower and it’s the best! It’s not helping my water use though, and my neighbors might hate me because I always play the 4 same songs on repeat, but still, would recommend.
I like to knit/crochet while watching sports, and listen to podcasts when I’m hiking and don’t want to think.
I would combine a light tv series with jigsaw puzzles? Keeps your hands busy, and it’s a light sustained mental load that might keep you from getting pulled into ruminating on anything. TV series I’m thinking of, something with low stakes drama like White Collar (or anything else on USA network probably) or maybe Jane the Virgin?
Craftsy is having a big sale on its classes right now, if you are crafty/would like to be crafty.
If you haven’t tried it and are even vaguely interested, this might be the time to Kondo your house.
These are all fantastic! Thank you!
Toasties I have a nemesis and I haven’t had one in ages. I am a little disappointed in myself for hating someone for (almost) no reason but GOD I cannot stand this woman.
Tell me stories of your nemeses and how much you hate them so I feel normal.
I have a lot of opinions and like to talk about them loudly, so you bet I have nemeses. It’s a bad habit though, one I’m trying to break. But the rush of PURE DISLIKE feels so good, it’s almost like the early stages of a relationship.
… I have no advice for how to deal with this.
Wow, spot on re. the physical thrill of getting so worked up about someone. It’s like getting angry at stupid commenters on the Fox News webpage or somesuch and then being like, what the f- am I doing here?! The thrill of feeling alive, I guess.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZQVSxXTCjg&a…
My nemesis is a girl whose first words to me were “How’s that possible?”, referring to the fact that we were the same age but I was already in the second year of university whereas she had just started. And she didn’t say it in a nice, curious way, she demanded to know.
She’s one of those people who do everything and are “perfect” at everything and are nice to important people, but if you happen to be a person that can’t help them on their way up, they treat you like rubbish. But of course only those who are being treated badly know this, because they are so popular with everyone else.
“nice to important people, but if you happen to be a person that can’t help them on their way up, they treat you like rubbish.” >> This is my least favorite quality in people! Many times in my adult life, there have been people who’ve dismissed me for whatever reason, usually that I don’t have the cultural-capital they’re looking for in that moment. But I can think of at least 3 if not more instances of those people asking me for favors & sucking up to me later on, not realizing that they had subbed me in the past. It makes me feel grudgy and petty but also kind of great. Which is i guess what it feels like to have a nemeses in general.
Freaking nemeses. There is someone I hate so much that when I see them, I want to hiss like a possum and my fingers curl into claws. I get angry that she likes the things I like, and that the things that bring me happiness might bring her happiness. But, uh, I try to be cool about it?
” There is someone I hate so much that when I see them, I want to hiss like a possum and my fingers curl into claws.”
THIS IS THE PERFECT DESCRIPTION.
My nemesis is a girl who swanned in and stole one of my former best friends from me, and every time I see her posting things about Hamilton or Star Wars, I have this reaction. I also have a fandom nemesis that basically sucked all the joy away from our tiny little fandom, and if I ever saw her irl, I’d be tempted to greet her by hissing.
This was basically my sister, when I was young, so I’ve got a handle on this now. A complex, deep-seated, high-energy handle.
Ooh, my most recent nemesis is my boss at the job I left this year. She was part of an organized coup to get my original boss (the one who hired + trained me) unceremoniously fired, and then she plotted to get her job (WITHOUT the necessary qualifications and NO RELEVANT EXPERIENCE). Then she proceeded to make my life hell for six months until I quit. She has no idea she’s my nemesis but she IS.
Best example I have of her awfulness: I was making a display (I worked in an educational environment) and moved a book that had a huge swastika on the cover out of the prominent display area. She insisted that it needed to remain there, “in case people need books about Nazis.” So the first thing you saw upon entering our department for weeks was…a giant swastika. I was filled with so much righteous rage.
Yeah, books about Nazis are SOOO hard to find. Srsly I worked at a B&N for years and the WWII history section is bigger than all the other subheads put together. Did you dream up ways to retaliate?
I started hiding the swastika book in weird places and pretending like I had no idea who could’ve misplaced it.
This is one instance where I feel gaslighting is a-ok
I’m not proud of it, but I also don’t regret it.
My heart applauds for you, BRAVA
I’ve only had one: In university I had a class with an assigned lab group for a lab that was worth 20% of our final grade. The other girl in the group kept setting up meetings when I had an elective. I told her I had a conflict but they met without me anyway. Then, she got me kicked me out of the group because I never went to the group meetings. I ended up taking it up the extremely sympathetic TA to whom I will be forever grateful for letting me turn in 1/5 of a lab report (ie only the part I would have been responsible for). Luckily, I didn’t have many other classes with her during my time at school because it was very distracting for me having to shoot daggers at her during lectures.
When my husband changed jobs about three years ago, GUESS WHO WORKED AT HIS NEW (v small) COMPANY. Apparently no one liked her there and she was not very skilled at her job.
Were you aware that you are living a chick lit book before this? Because that’s what it sounds like.
No I was not aware! Thank you for bringing this important matter to my attention
I’m thinking it’s the sequel to the bestseller so watch out for amusing misunderstandings with your husband and health scares for one of your close family members, but other than that you should be fine!
My most recent nemesis was this dude from one of my grad classes who I called Andre. That was not his name, but in one of those fun get to know each other things at orientation he answered the question “if you were a food, what would you be?” with “champagne, because it’s elite.” And then I called him Andre so often in stories about how terrible and condescending he was that eventually a friend asked another guy in my class if he hated Andre too. And that wonderful dude just assumed she was talking about my nemesis and said yes.
Whaaaaaaaaaat that’s amazing. AMAZING.
My nemesis is the receptionist at my doctor’s office where I am treated for my chronic illness. She looks like a sweet harmless old lady but her heart is filled with unwashed socks, her soul is full of gunk, she is a bad banana with a greasy black peel. She constantly has this tone that you needing to schedule an appointment is a great imposition and offensive to her sensibilities, and she makes horribly obnoxious comments about my appearance when I am in the waiting room. I don’t CARE what you think about my hair length, I will NOT grow it longer because you think it would make me look younger. I KNOW I look tired, I ALWAYS look tired, that is one of the symptoms of the disease I am HERE FOR.
Her crowning achievement was the time I called the office from across the country, having lost my medication bag on a trip and needing an emergency refill for them to avoid going into withdrawal. She cut me off while I was explaining the situation and transferred me to the ordinary prescription refill answering machine which takes 48 hours to respond. I had to call back and immediately tell her “Don’t transfer me, I am having an emergency,” and she acted like I was toenail fungus for the rest of the conversation.
I wish I could send her to a deserted island and make an entirely new nation with just her and some bad-tempered komodo dragons as citizens and Donald Trump as president. Their national currency would be those giant stone wheels and the only things you could buy with them would be rotten coconuts with YOU ARE A HEARTLESS WENCH carved into the surface. Their national anthem would be the sad trombone.
I simply don’t understand how people like this manage to keep their jobs.
***her heart is filled with unwashed socks***
Poetry!
It IS poetry… by Theodore Geisel! 😉 http://www.metrolyrics.com/youre-a-mean-one-mr-gr…
Ah cool… thank you!
Not a nemesis story, and it pales in comparison to yours, but my doctor had a receptionist for a mercifully brief period that was so mean. One day, I took one of my kids in for an appointment. The waiting room was almost empty (appointment was just after lunch break) and we sat in the first seats, directly in front of her desk. There were no other kids there, so I didn’t bother going up to her to check in and say we were here, because it was, like, obvious. After waiting quite a while, and seeing other people that came after us get called in, I went to her desk to ask why she hadn’t called us. She smirked at me and said, “You didn’t check in. I didn’t know you were here.”
I didn’t say anything else at the time, and normally I wouldn’t do anything after either, but I was so upset that when I got home, I called her back and told her she was nasty and petty for doing that.
You win the the nemesis thread not only for the excellent description of the nemesis but also the punishment they should receive.
I’m not listing anyone I had well-founded, justified reasons for disliking, because I’m more at peace with disliking someone if I can point to a behavior and say, “THAT is why I don’t like them.” In college I had an intense negative reaction to a classmate for what I then classified as No Reason. Like, I’d see him, or hear his voice, and my shoulder blades would draw together involuntarily.
What I see, looking back, was that
– he was intensely insecure but covered that up by being blustery and abrasive, which I have little patience for
– he had no indoor voice
– he took basic politeness as a sign that someone was his buddy (or romantically interested in him).
That’s it. I don’t think any of those is de facto a sign that someone is an awful person. They are just things I find trying.
Anyway, Classmate was very fond of my then-favorite, very obscure band. He suggested that we road-trip 18 hours each way to go hear said band. I couldn’t come up with a kind way to say, “Spending 36 hours in a vehicle with you, plus sharing a hotel room, is the least pleasant thing I can think of right now, and I would frankly rather miss seeing Favorite Band.” I identified as a Kind Person. So I just changed the subject and didn’t respond.
I eventually gave up on being basically polite to him, but I was crabby that my choices seemed to be “behave rudely” or “spend time around person whose mode of engagement with the world I find intensely off-putting.”
I had thought (/naively hoped?) that when I finished grad school I’d bounce back into someone who has interests and doesn’t feel exhausted and overwhelmed all the time, and maybe it’s because I just have no time to myself until mid-July but I am feeling just as terrible as I did last week when I thought I might not be graduating on time so I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Take your time! You just graduated. Everything’s new and different, you have to get used to the fact that it’s over. And like you said, you don’t have time for yourself, don’t underestimate that!
It will get better, I promise.
I agree, graduating is hard! I thought it would be easier when I finished grad school than when I finished college, and it was in that I didn’t have to move and say goodbye to all my best friends, but it was still a huge transition with a weird feeling of letdown. Your feelings are valid!
Oh gosh, nothing is wrong with you! A) It can take time to process the enormity of finishing, especially if you were in grad school for a long time (e.g. doing a PhD). B) If you haven’t yet gotten any breathing room, time to rest and recover, then it makes perfect sense that you would still feel exhausted and overwhelmed! C) Ditto if you don’t know what you’re doing or don’t have a job you’re excited about lined up (or have a job you’re excited about but also that requires a lot of work to get ready for).
I hope that come mid-July you get some excellent self care time! And CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Nthing that it will get better, but it takes time, maybe a lot of time, and nothing is wrong with you. It took my husband a YEAR to start letting go of dissertation stress and allow himself to have fun and make time for himself. It took less time for me (i.e. you are not condemned to languish for a whole year) but that was partly because I watched and learned from his recovery process. It’s a huge transition. Be kind to yourself! And congrats on graduating!
My Dad is dying/moving, and I’m dealing by withdrawing. To be fair, the dying thing is not new. He was diagnosed with ALS over a year ago, and it’s been a pretty steady decline. physical therapy helps, and he can still occasionally stand and he can still speak. But, he has to move to a desert climate, because the moist Oregon air is too hard for him to breathe.
I know I won’t see him much at all after he moves next week. I know he will be dead in a few years. I should try and savor every moment….but I’m just not. I hate seeing him fade away. I hate mourning again and again. It just hurts to be around him. It’s so much easier to sort of already write him off a bit. He’s still here, even though he’s going to be going, and I don’t know how to process accepting that he is dying with him still being here.
Also, we just naturally aren’t as close as we used to be. We used to be the closest. I was completely Daddy’s little girl, I was the only kid who moved in with him after my parents divorced, we talked about everything, etc. But the older I got, the more I realized some less than flattering things about him and some of the ways he treats people, and I just don’t like him as much as a person. I still love him, there are still good times, but I don’t want to be as close as we were. Plus, we’re both just busy. We both work a lot, we both have spouses and other family stuff.
In short, I feel guilty about not seeing him more, not talking to him more and knowing that I feel distant emotionally from him. I want to make the best of our time, but also I don’t know how to deal with how hard that is.
That’s rough. Best wishes.
Might it help if you had a framework for interacting with him? Like, interviewing him, first in person and then later over the phone, about his childhood or another interesting period in his life, for family history purposes.
That way the forced focus on “THIS TIME MUST BE APPRECIATED” is lessened in favor of a mutual goal, and if more important conversations happen, they will do so organically over the course of the interview.
Are there family photographs that need to have names written on the backs? That could be something good to do together if that’s possible.
I am so sorry. I have no suggestions, only sympathy.
Thank you. Sometimes it is good to be reminded that there are no easy answers, and that’s ok.
I am so sorry to hear this. I hope you will be kind to yourself, and that you’ll remember that taking distance from someone can be healthy, necessary, and kind, even when that person is dying. There is no perfect way to deal with dying parents, all we can do is be gentle with them and respect our own feelings as they emerge.
Thank you, that’s good to remember.
I’m so, so sorry to hear this. My best friend’s daddy who was also a father to me passed last year of ALS and it is such a horrible situation to be in. I can’t say I blame you for withdrawing some, because ALS is such a horrible disease that’s so hard to watch.
I think in times of trauma, the best you can do is do what feels right for you. There’s no right or wrong way to handle it, only what works for you and helps you survive.
Sending hugs.
Oh, I’m so sorry for you and your friend. Thank you for validating that it is hard, and there is no right answer.
I’m sorry. I have no words of wisdom, but I can send hugs through the ether if you’d like them.
I would. Thank you.
Letting go of someone who is difficult for you is SO HARD, and there are a lot fewer resources than there are for grieving a person you have non-ambivalent feelings about.
I’m sorry you’re in this position. I’m sorry he’s in this position.
Sending hugs and supportive thoughts your way, if you would like them.
Yes please.
Remember when Nicole got obsessed with that Dealing With In-Laws messageboard and posted about it a lot and we discovered the magical world of in-laws forums? Well Reddit has one of those too (as I discovered after the VERY SAME NICOLE tricked us/me into reading r/relationships) and YOU GUYS
THIS.
WOMAN.
(second link contains background but I actually recommend starting with the first bc it’s funnier that way)
I feel like I need to triggerwarn you but I don’t know for what. Batshit insanity to be sure. And heavy, crazypants incest vibes…
The TL;DR on the top of the first link is mind-boggling enough….covering my eyes to scroll down the rest of the post
READ THE POST. It’s like a MIL ghost story! I was all “noooo don’t go upstairsssss”, like watching a horror movie where people insist on going down into the basement.
Oh, I read it. My jaw may need to be surgically reattached
Sweet unholy raccoons that is some next level shit.
Not into reddit, but clicked over and found out there’s a subreddit for sociopaths to talk about all the ways they mess with people and it… It… I don’t have words…it’s validating, yet horrifying and now I need to go for a walk and see some puppies and plant a tree.
…what’s it called?
/r/sociopath
My hands are shaking from reading a few posts.
Ooh, I bet it’s populated by my ex-boyfriends.
Not sure mine was that self aware.
Wow what a lot of fat-shaming to ruin an otherwise delightful trip to the land of HOLYFUCKNOAREYOUSHITTINGME
Yeah, that part was distinctly un-delightful.
Well, yes. But to be fair, I could be having the most body-positive day in my life, and put me in satin and it’s like when you make a picture metallic in photoshop—it hideously magnifies the slightest flaw, and after 3 kids, my abdomen is not…slightly flawed. It’s more like run over by a snowcat. Satin is banished from my life!
By the next OT, I will be living in my very first home of my own. I am in full Jessie Spano mode (further inflamed by having only consumed cake and coffee today).
CONGRATULATIONS. Good for you, and yes, that gif is 100% accurate to what this feels like.
Me too me too! I bought my first home last week, and everytime someone says, “you must be so happy/excited/proud,” I want to reply I’M SO SCARED. In addition to the traditional first home pictures (porch, front door, keys), I took a selfie where I looked terrified. Like, “what have I done?”
We can do it. We worked damn hard to get here. We are smart, strong women who will be kickass homeowners. We own our own homes. We own property. How lucky we are to be alive right now.
I’m moving to Birmingham, England (assuming nothing goes wrong with the visa process) in the fall. Any UK Toastfolks with advice for me? I’ll be there with my partner, and we’d like to live somewhere close to a) the university b) transit c) nice walks. We like hill walking and queer feminist spaces and book shops and good things to eat and drink so any thoughts in those directions are also welcome.
Cool! I grew up in Bham, but have never lived as an adult. There are good train lines out from Birmingham New St, Birmingham Snow Hill, and Birmingham Moor St, but buses are pain, so near a local train station is better. New St is the biggest central station for links to just about everywhere. Five Ways and University (the stops closest to the universities) are on that train line.
I had a friend live in a rented flat in the jewellery quarter, which seemed like it should be completely unaffordable but she was a first year teacher-in-training, so it can’t have been. Very central and it was a great flat!
For nice walks, I recommend Sutton Park which is flipping massive (I grew up in walking distance from several gates which was great). https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sutton_Park You can totally get lost there, you can cycle, you can take kids, you can see ponies and cows and have picnics and fish and run and have long intense conversations. I love it.
For hill walking, head into Shropshire and Wales! The countryside there is so beautiful, and there’s some really easy walks as well as more challenging ones (Snowdonia is probably doable for a daytrip if you’ve got a car and don’t mind an early start 🙂 )
A little late to the party, but because I have gone on at SUCH length about my housing woes I wanted you all to know that on Wednesday I finally got a Section 8 voucher. While this has provoked an avalanche of shame-feels and overall emo weirdness, it’s also a highly welcome change from the usual Code Orange-level financial freakout that is my baseline. Thanks so much to every one of you who commiserated and offered ideas and help and shelter. I can guarantee you my Facebook feed was not a productive or helpful place during that time (with one or two notable exceptions) and it’s yet another reason this closure is such a sad one.
Fuck yeah! Are you going to stay put for a while or start looking around?
Since I moved four times in the last five years I’m going to stay in this little studio for a while, keep whittling and KonMari-ing my life down to its smallest and most portable form, then try to figure out where to go.
So happy for you! You deserve every good thing. Section 8 is from tax dollars you and your parents (and I and my parents) have paid. So those shame-feels can go fuck themselves. i get it, though. You feel what you feel. Just showing my support the way that comes naturally to me: telling someone/something to fuck off.
As a tax payer, I am happy to support programs that help people, partly because they might help me in the future and partly because I have this crazy idea that helping each other out is good for society. (I know I don’t speak for all tax payers, unfortunately)
Yeah, it’s funny because as a self-employed person I pay double taxes (employer and employee portions), though they’re low because my income is crapola. And the library used to take federal, state, and CITY taxes, which shocked me, but I really like having sidewalks! And parks! But it’s a very Strappy McBootstraps community here, so of course they get into my head like crazy.
Thank you! It’s a loony system and the people who administer it are pretty mean until you get approved and then suddenly they are almost disturbingly nice. I came home with orientation materials vaguely worried that I had also been signed up to sell Mary Kay Cosmetics. Like, that level of nice. I will keep trying to flip off my brain, or maybe invest in emotional chain mail.
Congratulations. I hope you find peace and stability in whatever home you end up in!
Thank you! It has been and continues to be a journey.
Echoing RoseCamelia: fuck off, shame. You be proud of advocating for yourself, it’s a magnificent skill and you are entitled to revel at moving up from Code Orange. Here’s to some restful nights under your new, secure roof.
Thank you and good luck with your move! They are such A Thing, no matter the hows and whys and even wheres. You just find yourself looking at a fork that needs to be put in a box and wondering, “Have all my life choices been the wrong ones?” OK maybe that’s just me, but still I hope you git ‘er done smoothly.
Whatever happened to the plan of a European Toast Holiday?
Potato pictures, because I haven’t posted here in a whiiiiiiiiiiiile.
Charlie Taters and his platypus friend, Dr. Gregory House.
CP requesting that I give him another treat plz mom he has been so good.
Charlie with his lawfully won prize that was cruelly taken away from him only seconds after this picture was taken because that’s mommy’s sock, not his, jesus Charles.
POTATO!
But how are you, ChloeKEvil?
I have been going pretty much non-stop since last Thursday (my birthday!) and I am ready to fall over. And I still can’t move in with Charlie and I miss my tater tot and now it’s looking like it might be August before I get him again. My mom is encouraging me to find another place to live, but I need a job and a place that takes pets first! And I haven’t gotten any bites on my job applications that I’ve sent out, so that’s cheerful.
So basically, I’m a little frazzled and I might have to cancel tonight’s obligations so I can stay in and stare at the ceiling.
Happy belated birthday!! But everything else sounds tough. I hope you have a nice self-care evening and that you find a job very soon!
Who’s a good little spud? CHARLIE IS.
He IS.
TATERS, you balm to my soul.
He’s either balmy or barmy, depending on his mood. 😀
POTATO FACE OMG
Oh, TATER!
Pleeeeeease say that you’ll come over to toastieslack so we can continue to see our buddy when the_toast folds (sob).
SQUEE. What a (non-orange) sweet potato he is.
Sending what fortitude I can spare your way. I find job searching so exhausting and soul-sucking.
TATER!!!
I’ve been thinking about you lately, and hoping that you were doing ok, because we hadn’t seen any CP Hashbrowns pictures for awhile. You doing ok?
I did something I’ve always wanted to do…I went to a Tibetan bowl healing meditation thingy…90 minutes of glorious tones and a guided meditation. Then I went to a vegan feast with a bunch of people I don’t know, and met several cool people. Trying to live a different life. Still healing from the damage of my time with a sociopath.
Today, no work, so I get to lie/lay luxuriously in the arms of this toast here. I’m living just for this day, so no plans for the weekend. Thinking too far ahead gets me in a panic. Going to breathe and practice my new mantra, “I am worthy of dignity, respect, love and honor.” Because I need to drown that asshole’s words out of my head for good.
Good things are here, good things coming. Have a great weekend dear ones.
That is A+!
You’re doing great. I think of you often and wonder how you’re doing. Many toasthugs for you and your continued healing!
Oh thank you! That is so kind! I needed to hear that.
Have you tried myNoise.net’s Tibetan bowl white noise generator?
Ohhhh, did not know that was a thing!
That sounds awesome, thanks!
Hello, Toasties. Breakup update in the reply.
I can see my therapist’s point that Bex didn’t owe me anything. The fact that I moved to where he lives at his request, or that I loved him, or that I sacrificed my sense of well-being and safety in order to do things he wanted– none of that meant that he owed me anything. He certainly didn’t *feel* that he owed me anything, and when I pointed out that the things he’d asked of me (stay with him while he dated other people, even though I wasn’t going to be dating other people; support his friendships with people who are not nice to me) were hard for me, and that I’d done them at a cost, and that it would be really nice to feel that in return he wasn’t going to walk out on me, he was horrified and angry. He told me that he was really disturbed by my wanting there to be something in it (where “it” = the sacrifices I was making) for me.
Is it grossly manipulative that I
– did things for him that I wouldn’t do for anyone else, because he seemed to be an exception to all my internal rules
– and then at some point asked him for a thing in return, because I was feeling overwhelmed and upset and taken for granted, as if I were the person doing ALL the giving
– and when he was reluctant, pointed out that I had done things that one never would have done for anyone else, that were hard, and that I was starting to feel as if I were less important?
I can see now that I treated myself as if I were less important than Bex. But I’m happiest in settings where I can put someone else first most of the time, and that other person won’t use my tendency to defer to them in order to hurt me. Looking after myself first is something I associate with being in settings where I anticipate that someone is going to hurt me. (Like, being bullied at school. Or being around my abusive father.) For me, at this moment, treating my own well-being as the first concern feels incompatible with trusting other people. It’s accompanied by vigilance, anxiety, and a host of other things I don’t want.
I *want* to be able to be vulnerable with other people. I took back, as a “fuck you” to my abuser, the ability to be real and tender and generous with people, and not numb all the time. And I’m glad I did.
But it gets me into trouble. Because sometimes it’s at odds with self-advocacy and self-care.
And also, when I started feeling again, I lost a lot of the pain tolerance I used to have.
I’ve been reading Elaine Aron’s writing about people who are easily overwhelmed by sensory stimuli, and about how they tend to be less resilient in abusive settings than their less stimulus-sensitive peers. (I’m starting to understand why, the times that I’ve asked my brother, “How did you come out relatively unscathed, despite having it worse than I did?,” he has looked confused. Hurtful things seem to bounce off him, instead of sinking in, and I find it mystifying.)
I think the vulnerability I have as an adult is a lot closer to who I actually am / want to be / am supposed to be than the numbness was. And I don’t yet know any ways to be self-protective that don’t feel like regression.
I hope this makes sense, because I’m not feeling super-articulate right now, but:
Here’s how I feel about these kinds of sacrifices – they’re like giving a gift, where the receiver’s acceptance of the gift doesn’t entitle the giver to then turn around and demand something in return. It was a choice the giver made. (this is different from agreeing in advance that it will be an exchange, like if you treated someone to dinner and explicitly agreed that they would treat next time).
That said, if you point out that you feel you’ve been giving a lot more to the relationship, even if it was in the context of a gift, and you’re feeling like your partner takes you for granted and doesn’t value your contributions because of it, a good partner will work with you to make the situation more equitable – whether that’s helping you break the cycle of gifting things, or not asking for things they’ll know you’ll give even if you shouldn’t, or etc. A good partner will not be “horrified and angry” that you want to feel like they’re as invested in the relationship as you are. They might be upset, sure, because the terms weren’t clear at the outset, but they’d work with you to fix a mutual communication issue, not pile it all on you.
I certainly have a tendency to invest a LOT in relationships up front (time, feelings, money), and what’s really helped me is to think about how I would feel about that investment if the relationship didn’t work out – am I getting enough out of the relationship (not necessarily directly “in return,” but balanced out) that I’ll still consider those investments worth it, or am I assuming that eventually, as I continue to invest, the other person will too?
TL;DR: possibly somewhat manipulative, certainly not grossly so, and your ex-partner’s reaction to you pointing out the disparity is still much worse than what you may or may not have done.
I know first-hand how easy it can be for a giver-type person to lose herself in service and not take enough time to ask *why* she’s performing those services and if they bring anything of value back to her.
There is so much in this world that you can sacrifice for / give to and be filled up in return. I know you’ll find those spaces in your life, and people who know that being with a giver does not mean they can or should take indiscriminately.
Meanwhile, as you’re feeling vulnerable and easily used right now, I think your impulse to look for a space where you know your service can be of good to yourself and others can help to fulfill the need to be of use (perhaps to an established organization rather than to a person) and also let you have a ‘safe space’ where you’re protected instead of vulnerable.
If the monastery is too big a leap for now, look for places around you – churches, food banks, shelters – where you can care for yourself by caring for others. As a bonus, working with an established community of giving people puts you around others with a similar mindset of putting others first, which means they won’t be draining your energy.
Mainly, though, I’m impressed and proud of the work you are doing in therapy and contemplation to figure out yourself, your patterns, your needs. It’s not by any means easy, and you’re already so wise about your soul – it will serve you well forever.
So, I’ve been thinking about this for a couple of hours. I really believe that we do owe the people we care about a few things. Honesty, respect and acknowledging their needs and perspectives. It doesn’t sound like your ex was willing to extend even those basics to you.
Toast hugs for you, if wanted. You deserve much better than that.
The other big thing is, I have been looking longingly at monastery websites. Last week I started crying when I discovered a volunteer program that lasts between a month and a year, covering the cost of living: “It would be an ideal opportunity for someone who looking for time out or some sabbath time within a Christian community, who wants space to move on spiritually or re-assess life goals and priorities.”
I want that so much. I’ve also promised my own pastor I won’t make any big decisions this year. And moving, even temporarily, to another country would qualify as a big decision.
But I have learned: I’m not averse to making sacrifices. I just want those sacrifices to be in the service of something that is deeply meaningful to me. I think I could cope with taking a vow of chastity (which would be a sacrifice for me– I’m not asexual or aromantic) in keeping with the rules of a community that was dear to me. And I think there are a few reasons I’d find that sacrifice easier to accept:
– The Benedictine Rule long precedes me. It would be an accommodation I was making as a part of the cost of entering into a relationship, rather than a difficult change I was being asked to balance against the love I felt for a person or institution to which I was already committed.
– Mutual commitment between postulant / oblate / sister and community is a given. There is a process for dissolving that commitment, but everyone agrees that there *is* a commitment.
– I can understand the reasoning behind the vows. Relatedly, the requirements are the same for everybody, though that doesn’t mean that they’re the same level of difficult for everyone.
– I can see a particular monastic community as at least adjacent to a number of things that I care about: shared endeavor, spiritual yearning and devotion, quiet without isolation, an approach to work that I vastly prefer to late capitalism’s. (Conversely, the sacrifices I was making within my relationship with Bex were, I felt, in service of a community that I didn’t feel kinship with and had little common ground with, and it might be related that those sacrifices eventually came to feel as if they were at odds with my own integrity.)
None of those things are manipulative, my friend. It is not unreasonable to want and expect people you are in a relationship with to take you into account and not harm you. They don’t *owe* you, I guess, but I think it’s fair that a commitment means having certain obligations to the other person. It just does.
When I worked for the Catholic Church I met many nuns, many of whom were terrific people and all of whom seems full of joy and peace. I’m an atheist but I can totally see the appeal of living that way in service to something you feel so deeply committed to. I’d be happy to answer questions about the sisters I met and the orders they belonged to, to the best of my ability, if you have any 🙂
Hello, Toasts! I’m a long-time lurker, but now I’d like to see if you wonderful people have recommendations for Toronto!
My mom, possibly mom’s friend, sister, and I are thinking of going to Toronto for the Rogers Cup at the end of July.
Toronto would be new for us, so any tips or recommendations would be most appreciated – neighborhoods or areas to look for lodgings (especially ones where getting to the Rogers Cup would be easy), things other than tennis to do (Royal Ontario Museum?), places to eat (we like delicious food), etc.
Thanks in advance for any suggestions!
Head over to Roncesvalles/High Park on the west end of the city! High Park is gorgeous and huge and Roncy is filled with adorable boutiques and awesome food. My recommendation (if you’re meat-eaters) would be Barque Smokehouse for the best bbq ever, and then heading to Ed’s Real Scoop for Burnt Marshmallow ice cream.
Also super accessible by TTC! The streetcar goes along Roncesvalles and High Park has it’s own subway stop.
THAT ICE CREAM. I live in KW and there was a place that stocked it for one glorious summer but it hasn’t come back 🙁
Toronto is the best! (I’m from there, currently living in self-imposed exile in the suburbs). Off the top of my head:
– Toronto is basically embodied by Kensington market. Go wander around. It’s near the Art Gallery of Toronto if you want to do both.
– Toronto Island is what I imagine mid-century pastoral paradise to be like. Also, you get take a ferry there
-As a Toastie, I feel you will appreciate the Aga Khan museum. It’s a beautiful museum all about the history of Islam. The architecture tour is amazing! If you go, make sure to get a tour of the Ismaili centre next door
Hey! @speakingofcake asked for Toronto trip tips last week so check there for some of the replies!
Here’s what I added (I live close-ish to Toronto, I hope you have a great trip!)
Do you like Ethiopian? Because then you should go to Nazareth (it will be very busy but is cheap and tasty)
Seconding Toronto Island – great in the summer, especially in the eve as it’s a great place to see the Skyline. I prefer Hanlan’s Point which is the nude beach (you can be clothed! I’m always clothed), and there is less policing on on-beach beverages. If it turns out nude beaches are you thing there’s also Wreck Beach at UBC in Vancouver. It’s very beautiful, there will be naked people.
I’ve never been to the Bata Shoe Museum in Toronto but I hear it’s incredible (just down the street from the Royal Ontario Museum).
When my brother lived in the High Park/Junction area of Toronto we went to the The Hole in the Wall a lot which sounds like it might be up your street.
Other handy resources: Just Shows , blogTO
We might also be in Toronto at the end of July!
Salad King (Thai food restaurant)! It’s just north of the Eaton Center and it’s my fav place to go when I visit Toronto.
I’m hitting TO in the middle of July and will be going to a baseball game and the Aquarium. Maybe one of those options would be fun for you too?
I’m naturally a museum person, and the two I enjoyed the most in Toronto were the ROM and the Art Gallery of Ontario.
Thanks, all! I will start investigating these suggestions (and I totally missed the previous discussion, so thanks for pointing that out)!
Some restaurant recommendations:
-Rose & Sons on Dupont (it’s near Casa Loma, which is fun to see even if you don’t go inside it—a castle randomly inside our city! how strange! Also, amazing views from the top of the Spadina Steps that lead to it.)
-Playa Cabana (same area as R&S; best Mexican food I’ve had)
-Mother’s Dumplings in Chinatown (Dumpling House is also very good)
-Buk Chang Dong Soon Tofu in Koreatown (NOT good for atmosphere, but really yummy for food
-The Black Hoof (if you like/love meat, it’s one of those trendy ‘snout to tail’ places; Dundas, the street its on, is super cool, and it’s right on the edge of Trinity Bellwoods, which is a very popular park. West Queen West is right on the other side of that park and it’s also a great area to wander around. I recommend Type Books in particular! Great indie bookstore.)
-The Lakeview is a fun 24/7 diner in the same area, lots of quirky Toronto character. But note that it does NOT have a view of the lake. (Part of its quirky charm, I guess?)
-BURGER’S PRIEST. Love it so much. Great character. (They have a fantastic vegetarian option, literally called “The Option”, if you don’t want meat. I personally like to get the Priest, which has both the meat patty and the veggie option on top.) There are a number of locations and I believe they’re all equally good. They have an amusing secret menu on their website. (Not very secret.)
-Kinton Ramen. I’ve tried other ‘best’ ramen places in other cities and none of them have come close to Kinton for me. This is probably the place I crave the most.
-If you enjoy brunch, we have lots of good places. I particularly like Insomnia and Grapefruit Moon.
-The weather will probably be nice. Find yourself a bar with a patio and enjoy a pitcher of beer or sangria. We have a lot of craft brews now.
-Although they don’t have patios, my favourite bars are WVRST (German beer hall with an amazing selection of sausages like kangaroo and bison, but also veggie/vegan options. Get the duck fat fries if you eat meat!) and the Get Well (full of vintage arcade games that are free to play, like Dolly Parton pinball!).
Random things that are fun to see depending on what you like: High Park Zoo, Riverdale Farm, the Toronto Reference Library, TIFF Bell Lightbox (and a score of other theatres in the city; the Royal on College, Revue Cinema in Roncesvalle, the Fox Theatre in the Beaches area)
Hi all, I posted this in yesterday’s link roundup, but I didn’t get much about if other people experience issues with the author pages here?
More specifically, if I want to view a specific author’s work here, viewing older stuff doesn’t work, and only shows the newer stuff.
Example: http://the-toast.net/author/mallory-ortberg/page/… shows only the articles on page one. It’s the same for any number /page/x; it still only shows the most recent few articles.
This happens when I try to access these pages on my mobile, and other browsers too. Does this happen to anyone else? Is it something I have on my browsers that I can fix? Or does anyone have a workaround so I can more easily find older author-specific articles? The end is nigh and I need to reread everything!
Thanks!
just checked and yes, it happens to me on Firefox too! weird.
Thank you to everyone who was so supportive re: high school boy. In counseling he mentioned he was self harming as well, and that he wanted to go back on his medication.
I consider this a good plan.
Counselor thinks he needs visible consequences. I turned to kid to discuss what those would be. Counselor thought I was not unilaterally declaring a punishment out of fear.
Um, no. 1. My kids are stubborn enough that unilaterally declaring anything would backfire and escalate–i learned that when they were 2! 2. I have always talked to my children (since school age, anyway) about natural consequences, saying things like “what do you feel is an appropriate consequence for the behaviour you just showed?”–only after the lecture and explanation of why that isn’t acceptable behavior.
Counselor reacted like I’m some nutso “never makes kids have cconsequences” parent.
Imho, giving kids input on how to make amends for their behavior is an important tool in learning to be good people. Also–does he think that a power struggle over punishment with a 6 foot tall, anger-prone boy is a good idea? Wtf? No, unilaterally declaring a punishment won’t work.
He didn’t seem convinced that I wasn’t reacting out of fear of making the kid angry. Well, yes, but there are better ways than jumping right into totalitarianism!
Kid and I discussed unpleasant options and he’s going to clean carpets.
I just don’t understand people who think grounding driving-age kids, especially ones with a history of running away and suicidal behavior, would ever work. Am I realistic or a pushover?
It’s far more important to me that my kid find out what he needs to fix himself, not that he performs some punishment display.
I don’t have kids and honestly know nothing about raising kids, but the way you describe your son reminds me of friends I had when I was a teenager, and I think he’s really lucky that you’re so thoughtful about his emotional well-being and genuinely trying to help his mental state instead of wallpapering over his problems.
I do not have kids but it sounds to me like you are doing everything exactly right. You know your son very well and are tailoring your reactions to fit his needs and personality. I’m sending you internet hugs (if you want them!)
Despite being a good teenager (very good grades and generally good behavior, but some questionable friends) I had high-strung parents who simply didn’t know what to do with me and tried various attempts of taking things away/grounding, threatening to send me to a therapist (probably would have been nice), and being laughably controlling to the point of absurdity, to the point that I never would have brought anything even mildly controversial up with them in conversation. Would have been nice to have someone ask me what I thought was fair or what the future should bring. Kudos to you.
You are realistic rather than punitive, and we disagree with counsellor 100%. You know your family best!
My parents grounded me and removed anything music-related from my room (CDs and posters). This resulted in me sneaking out to concerts and attempting suicide. I think you are being realistic and a much better mom than my parents were. It gets better once the kid is a little more grown up, for the kid at least – I don’t talk to my parents anymore.
Whew. It just seemed so out of left field, I’ve really liked how this counselor has helped my son and facilitated a lot of conversations between the two of us. It felt like I was back in “If you don’t spank him he’ll never learn” land.
I was the more-or-less good kid with shoplifting/abused/alcoholic/theatrical/depressed friends. My parents really overreacted to things like my piercing my ear a second time, or sneaking out of the house to go to the library! So I told them nothing. We are on much better terms now but–teens have extra sensitive hypocrite detectors. I certainly don’t want the kid to shut down. He needs to know I am here and listening.
I’m frankly surprised at your counselor, because natural consequences and engaging the children in discussion of the ramifications for their actions has been such a mainstay of my parenting for 20 years. Unilateral dictates are fairly useless, IME, not to mention the fun trick of asking them for a consequence suggestion and having them come up with something more punitive than I would have on my own.
I think Mogel’s Blessings of a Skinned Knee is the first place I came across natural consequences as a concept, and it’s still one of the best parenting books I’ve ever read. Her B+ one for teenagers is good, too. But that aside, you are NOT a pushover, you’ve been realistic and very supportive and communicative with the boy, and I’m glad he feels the counselor is opening him up some no matter how silly the counselor is on the issue of punishment.
Toasties! I am in the US! It is so good. Catching up with old friends, eating all the food, exploring the northeast and being in the same time zone as the Toast!
Have a great weekend!
Toasties, what are your favorite White Dudebro Literary Canon alternatives? Like, if a wide-eyed young person comes to you all GOSH, Brave New World, man, it really ~makes u think~, or starts writing poetry about Holden Caulfield or whatever, what would you point them towards next that isn’t by a straight white dude, but hits those similar emotional notes that would resonate with them?
Hmm, dystopian speculative fiction classics..? The Handmaid’s Tale. The Parable of the Sower fits in there well too. Could you convince a brave new world kinda dude to read those though? Probably not.
Haha, in my experience, The Handmaid’s Tale is usually the only book by a woman that Brave New World dudes have ever read. Then they like to start conversations on OKCupid with “You’re a feminist? I love Margaret Atwood.”
This line of thought was prompted by a conversation I had recently about all the dudebro canon books I read as a teenager, usually because some guy in a band I liked had namedropped them. What would have been different if I’d had more literary-minded women to take recommendations from instead?
“The Dispossessed” by Ursula Le Guin as a Brave New World alternative.
“Wild” by Cheryl Strayed or “Door Wide Open” the Johnson/Kerouac letters as an alternative to On The Road.
“The Invisible Man” by Ralph Ellison as a Catcher In The Rye alternative, maybe?
‘Giovanni’s Room’ by James Baldwin as a Tropic of Cancer alternative.
‘Just Kids’ by Patti Smith as a Tropic of Capricorn alternative.
This is fun!
I LOVE The Invisible Man as a Catcher in the Rye alternative. Brilliant.
I like Invisible Man as a way of noting the amorphous general feelings of malaise that underpin Modernism TM and saying, “Dear White Modernists, you may not have noticed, because you only pay attention to white people, but I have some of the feelings you have. Also, your model of where cultural dislocation comes from is missing some important things. RACIST AGGRESSION, for one.”
Or even “The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas” as a Brave New World alternative.
Echo those saying Invisible Man : Catcher alternative is brills. Maybe also Baldwin’s Notes of a Native Son?
Rita Mae Brown as another Kerouac alternative.
Poetry after 1950? Hard hitters like Gwendolyn Brooks, Anne Sexton, Langston Hughes, & & &…
Lucille Clifton!
While it is Straight White Male territory, I really recommend the collected essays of George Orwell. He had no patience for the wanky self-importance of many of his contemporaries. A young person will feel cool for reading beyond “1984” and there is plenty of fodder for I Am A Seeker of Truth inclinations, but will also get a hefty dose of “get over yourself, pal.”
I love George Orwell, but also, ‘Living My Life’ by Emma Goldman as an alternative to ‘Homage To Catalonia’?
Maybe Death’s Other Kingdom by Gamel Woolsey? It’s her 1939 book about the Spanish Civil War, but I haven’t read it so I don’t know if it is as awesome as I think it is going to be.
I haven’t read it either, but I’m definitely going to now!
Seconding Margaret Atwood, but maybe Oryx and Crake might be a bit more accessible to a boy of that age.
Also:
Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe
The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao
Native Son (if he can handle that)
Purple Hibiscus (if he can handle a female protagonist/narrator)
I see your tiny pan egg and raise you poached eggs. Absolute bliss on Toasts.
Life is kinda shitty for me right now; but I finally went to the doctor to get back on my add meds after 5 weeks off them. I’m looking forward to being functional again, but not looking forward to the initial nausea that comes with stratterra.
And in better news I have a date tomorrow with a lovely boy that I think I’m a bit mad about. We’re going to the beach with his dogs (I AM SO EXITED FOR BEACH WITH DOGS.) And then I’m educating him on the joy of spinal tap, and also pizza. This was all his idea and it is quite literally my idea of a perfect date. Nnnnngggghh. Hopefully he’ll show me his woods 😉
😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻
Toasties, talk to me about print magazines! Do you subscribe to or read anything you really like? I get Nat Geo but would like to find some other cool reads to greet me at my physical mailbox.
Lucky Peach! Bon Appetit! Saveur! I only have food-based recs!
I too subscribe to Lucky Peach! They’ve started putting a lot of their content online but the subscription is pretty reasonable and the print issues are so beautiful that I don’t mind.
If you dig food magazines you may want to check out Render, which is food with a feminist spin. I wrote for a few of their first season issues and it’s one of the few magazines I’ve enjoyed reading cover to cover; they are trying to get funding for their second season, though.
I used to subscribe to Gastronomica too, but I think it got kind of weird and boring when the new editor took over.
I LOVE MAGAZINES. At the moment I subscribe to Wired, Vogue, Real Simple, and Esquire, and I sometimes buy Martha Stewart Living or Travel + Leisure if I see them in stores and they have good headlines. I work on a computer all day like most other people, so I love having something colorful and physical to hang out and read at the end of a long day!
Wired, Consumer Reports!
I love love love magazines but they’re kind of a storage-luxury for me in my apartment-based life. I only subscribe to Harper’s Bazaar– it’s not the most progressive fashion magazine, but I have A Problem with Elle and I like the fashion coverage in HB. When I visit my parents, I love catching up on Martha Stewart Living, and when I’m at the airport, I like to buy a copy of Modern Farmer or Saveur.
Depends on your interests but Bitch and Bust are good, feminist fun. Harper’s (not Harper’s Bazaar) is intellectually heavy-duty, not exactly visually fun or breezy in the way magazines can be, but I love their various sections, especially the front which has extracts of random topical texts (transcripts of court proceedings, pamphlets, etc.). Rebecca Solnit writes for them regularly & she’s an amazing writer and activist. On the literary side, The Believer is really great to keep up with current fiction – excellent editors and it’s always nice to look at & hold (the design & paper).
Pricey, but Lapham’s Quarterly. Each issue has a theme and presents a collection of well edited and globally/temporally diverse selections of fiction, nonfiction, art, and photography on the theme plus fun infographics and original essays.
I currently subscribe to Bitch (already described in this thread) and to Believer Magazine, which focuses on literature and other arts. My undergrad advisor recommended Believer to me in 2004, and I’ve been a fan since then. I love that they do longer interviews and profiles. Also, they were where I first came across Rachel Kaadzi Ghansah’s writing.
I love the Old House Journal. (If you’re into that sort of thing).
Also, my boyfriend got me a subscription to a magazine called Modern Drunkard as a joke, but they actually have really interesting and funny articles about cocktails, etc. (They publish it somewhat sporadically, though. I guess too busy drinking…)
We get Fine Cooking (like Bon Appetite but for people who cook) and the New Yorker. In niche publications, I buy Culture for my stepmom, which is a quarterly cheese magazine and completely delightful.
SOCIAL ETIQUETTE QUESTION?
So I recently moved to NJ and like hanging in NYC. An old friend lives in Brooklyn and offered his place to stay on nights I don’t catch the last train back to NJ, and I ended up sleeping with his roommate (twice). Friend is working elsewhere for the summer, and I haven’t talked or texted with roommate in a couple weeks, and I’m pretty sure the ball is in his court, texting-wise. Roommate said before that I’m fine staying there even without my friend being there, but is it weird to ask that of him now? Even if he’s ghosted, is it too much for me to ask to still use the couch (which was my friend’s original intent anyway?)
Desperate for a couch, not to sleep with him again, though I wouldn’t necessarily complain, haha
I don’t think it would be weird to ask about crashing. Just copy both of them on the same text asking about the day and confirming all’s good.
I think texting the roommate something like, “Hey, haven’t talked to you in a couple weeks, just wanted to check to see if it’s still cool if I crash on the couch on [day] after [event]” would work. If he doesn’t reply, I’d leave it at that, though.
Does your friend know that you slept with the roommate? If so, do you have the kind of relationship with the friend where you could ask him if he thinks the roommate’s cool with you crashing there, and he could check with the roommate?
THERE IS A MOUSE IN MY OFFICE!! It is teeny tiny and cute, and it has ZERO business being my my office.
I saw it last night when I was working late, but it also had the nerve to show up mid day today! Oh, tiny mousy, go away! Go back to the lower floors, where there is actual food for you! Two whole restaurants, just two floors down.
(And dear office mates, don’t leave anything out. Nothing outside of sealed containers. I’m telling you…)
How do YOU know the mouse doesn’t have business there? Maybe she’s taking her baby boomer dad’s advice and just showing up every day until you hire her.
I’m feeling bummed because I had a phone interview last week for a job I REALLY wanted. They said they’d get back to me sometime this week. Radio silence.
At least this time I think that if they don’t ask me back, it won’t be because I bombed the interview (as I often do; I suck enormously at interviewing). I actually think the interview went well for once! But they might be looking for someone with some specific skills I don’t have. So that’s some consolation. But still. I’d desperately hoped this might be my get-out-of-looming-unemployment-free card. 🙁
On the bright side, it’s summer and my baby is super cute and cuddly and I adore her to absolute bits, so all of that helps.
Thank you, CleverManka, for blessing me with your gif(t)!
Ugh, just recently had this experience… but it is comforting to know that they might have had some specific experience, etc. in mind (my interview went really well but they kept circling back to find out what I knew about Medicaid – it was a health policy job – and since I know not very much at all, I’m pretty sure this was why I didn’t get the job).
You will find the right thing and it will be spectacular!!
Thank you – wishing you very much the same!!!
Hang in there, friend! It’s only been a week, and in my experience many employers drastically underestimate the amount of time they need to get back to job candidates. But you did speak to them by phone, so it would be totally legit to reach out and reiterate that you are still interested, let me know if there is any further information you can provide to facilitate the process, etc.
If I’m wrong and it doesn’t work out, I also sympathize greatly with that feeling. Mostly I can be pretty chill about the jobhunt process–I’ve interviewed for jobs that didn’t work out for all kinds of reasons, from “not qualified in one specific area that was not listed in the job post yet is crucial to the job” to “this employer is clearly hiring an internal candidate but has to show their boss a good faith effort to consider outside candidates,” and I know it’s not personal. But sometimes you just get your heart set on one job that looks like a life-changer or a life-preserver, and then you have to grieve the lost opportunity.
Just here to brag that I get to research Nazi war crimes for my summer job (for reparations purposes) and obviously it’s depressing but SO INTERESTING and also I feel like a badass.
Oh man I’d love to do something like that! What lead you to it?
Friends, I have been reading the toast dot net since the get-go and I am so bummed that it’s closing, for myriad reasons, but also because what other group of internet strangers would appreciate that I finally talked to a doctor about my off-the-charts anxiety and am making plans to find a therapist to work on some painful thought patterns?
Mental health is something my friends and family don’t ever really talk about, but I’ve always admired and appreciated the support and warmth of the Toast’s commentariat, so this seemed like a good place to share.
Thank you!!!
well done!!
Thank you! It was weird saying those things aloud but the doctor couldn’t have been kinder, and I felt so supported just talking to him.
Brock Turner has been banned from competitive swimming! It’s not more jail time, but it’s a start.
http://abcnews.go.com/US/usa-swimming-bans-stanfo…
I’ll take the small victories where I find them. Thank you for sharing this.
I saw that, too! My first thought was “GOOD.”
The outpourings of anger and condemnation for that asshole and his asshole dad have been remarkably cathartic. The video by the cast of Girls. The letter from Joe Biden. The student response at Stanford. The petitions to dump the judge. Over a million signatures! One million. This travesty of a case has made an impact on a million people. It’s got to mean something.
So I want to talk about this a little bit, as a former competitive swimmer. While it is true that USA Swimming will not allow Brock Turner to renew his membership, they’re also being a little wishy-washy here.
Background: USA Swimming, like lots of other sports that involve intense youth participation, has had problems with abuse, both sexual and otherwise (abuse of swimmers by coaches, abuse of swimmers by other swimmers, abuse of non-swimmers by swimmers). While they’ve gotten a lot better, it’s still a problem.
So the reason I’m a little less-than-thrilled with this (although it’s better than nothing!) is that USA Swimming has not actually banned Brock Turner–they’re saying they won’t renew his membership (this may sound like a semantic difference, I know). Instead, they are claiming they don’t have jurisdiction over him because he was not a member at the time of the assault. However, USA Swimming, at the urging of a whole bunch of people, specifically amended its rules a few years ago (I can’t remember exactly when) so that it could officially sanction former members. In this case, the press releases I’ve seen are claiming that they have no jurisdiction over Brock Turner because he was not a member at the time of the assault, and that’s simply not true. He was a former member, and is therefore subject to USA Swimming’s Code of Conduct.
USA Swimming maintains a public list of people who are banned for life, and Brock Turner does not appear on it, and if they maintain their current position he will never appear on it. To me and to other people who have been involved in swimming, this is a little worrying given the sport’s history with (not) dealing with sexual abuse.
Hi toasties! Awful doctors appointment stories thread/advice for said visits?
Just got insurance and had my annual physical with a new doctor yesterday. It went mostly well but I had two wtf moments.
Moment #1: I told the doctor that I wanted to get and I’d but that I knew it was hard to get because some docs won’t give them to women who haven’t given birth. She said “Oh no there are new ones that are easier to insert and that shouldn’t be a problem.” I was so relieved until about a minute later. She asked me if I was sexually active, I said no, and if I wanted a test for stds. I told her probably not because I’m a virgin. (I now realize this was my mistake, I should’ve just taken the free test and kept my mouth shut.) She then replied “You can’t get a iud if you’re a virgin.” Me “Why, is it to painful or something?” Her “No because you’ll lose her virginity.” Me “I don’t care.” Her ” I don’t think you’ll want to lose it that way.” So I have a couple of questions for you toasties. Obviously I don’t know everything being that I’m a virgin but what exactly did she mean? Did she mean my hymen? I’m 27, she can’t honestly believe I’ve never masturbated before. Or did she mean like symbolically, in which case that wouldn’t happen when I was actually with a partner? In any case I’ve made a separate appointment with a obgyn at the same clinic (the doctor was a family practicianer.) When she asks, should I lie and say I’m not sexually active but have had sex before, so that she will give me the iud? Would she be able to tell I was lying either by examining me or looking at my records? Would the other doctor have put it in my records?
Moment #2: the nurse who drew my blood was a berniebro and without any provocation went on a lengthy rant (I counted at least 7 mins) about the election, Trump and Hillary. He must have been reading the news and freaked out about Bernie basically conceding. He wouldn’t stop and if I said anything, usually a given fact, he’d counter with something subjective and change the topic (still about the election but from one facet to another for example polling fraud to the emails or delegates to likeability rates.) Guy just wanted to talk it didn’t matter who was in front of him or what they had to say so I shut down and started playing with my phone. I’d learned in retail if you’re ever about to lose it on a rude customer that there’s nothing wrong with just walking away mid-sentence. But at this point he still hadn’t even tied off my arm and I have difficult to find veins, I didn’t want to anger someone who was about to go digging in my arm with a needle. Now my father’s a republican and we argue all the time but I’d always been raised to think that talking about politics at work or really anywhere in public is inappropriate unless you are speaking to someone you know well. And (especially in the US) it’s considered rude to ask someone who they voted/are going to vote for. Should I have told him or his boss so (after the blood test) or just said nothing like I did? At the time I thought I wouldn’t want to make someone in charge of my blood and urine tests angry but also that I didn’t want to make it a big deal and possibly get him in trouble at work.
What. In. The. Fuck. Is. Up. With. The. People. In. That. Office.
Seriously this is a fucking parade of inaccurate and inappropriate shenanigans. I would be terrified to receive medical treatment from this office. Do you have any other options for other doctor offices?
Yes but they would be farther away. Not terribly far but probably an 1/2 hr train ride compared to a 10 min bus ride. I guess I should start using those Dr review sites
To me, a half-hour train ride would be worth seeing a doctor who doesn’t think virginity works like that (or is that important). But you’re the only one who can determine if you’re receiving quality care from them. Good luck!
Whoa, both of those things are SO INAPPROPRIATE. Um. I would bring both of these up to someone at the clinic. Maybe there’s patient services or an ombudsperson or something? These are both very weird things.
The IUD/virginity thing seems like a one-off and I would not expect the obgyn to have a similar reaction. However, if they DO, you should flee from this clinic.
Moment #1: uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. You can’t tell through visual examination if a person has had sex, even penetrative sex. You’re 27 years old, so odds are so, so high that your hymen has already torn anyway. Virginity is a social construct, not a scientific one (see: all of the people who have oral sex or anal sex who consider themselves virgins because they haven’t had PIV sex). But all of that is actually irrelevant here: having an IUD inserted is no more a sexual act than putting in a tampon. Choosing to have a medical device inserted into you is not a sexual act; it cannot take away your virginity. When the OB-GYN asks, you should not have to lie; you can absolutely get an IUD without ever having had penetrative sex. I’d only consider lying if this is the only place you can get the IUD inserted.
Moment #2: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. Tell this jerk’s boss. You’re right that it’s incredibly rude. If he gets in trouble, that’s fine. It was his decision to act unprofessionally; he should bear the consequences of that decision.
Thanks. What you said at the top, I knew all that thanks to a very good health teacher in hs and yet when this happened I just blanked. I think I was just in shock that anyone would think that, that I couldn’t think of anything to say.
I always ignore the follow-up patient satisfaction surveys I get emailed from my doc, but if they send you one, you should fill it out and expose that nurse for the terrible nurse he is. You should not feel that uncomfortable with anyone who is drawing your blood.
Also, that virginity thing, geez. I am also a 27-year-old virgin and I would be annoyed if my doc made such a big deal out of it. As it is, she asks “are you sexually active?” I say no, and she moves on. Actually, I think she forgot to even ask at my last appointment. But really, does she think you haven’t given this any thought? If you’re asking for an IUD then one would assume you know where it goes, how it works, etc.
I only do those feedback things if I had an unusually positive experience but because this is a health profession I think I might fill out a negative feedback card.
Nobody can look at a vagina and tell whether it’s had a penis inside it, just like you can’t look at a mouth and tell whether it’s ever eaten (or given a blowjob, I guess). So if you do lie, no one can tell.
Also, these people were TOTALLY inappropriate with you! They shouldn’t drag their weird virginity hangups or political opinions into YOUR MEDICAL APPOINTMENT.
I can’t even parse that family practitioner’s statement, but it seems to be connected to the idea that the moment you have something pass your hymen, you’re not a virgin? Which like… how do you even do vaginal exams on virgins, then? Do they think that using a tampon makes you not a virgin? Whaaaaaat.
I got an IUD as a virgin, because I wanted to be protected the first time I had sex! If you do go through with meeting the other practitioner and they give you the same line, tell them that it’s your decision to make, that you are being proactive about your sexual health by getting an IUD before having vaginal intercourse. Or say ‘Oh, I see.” and go find another OBGYN office, which might be easier.
I honestly don’t know what was going through her mind when she said that. She didn’t seem very old so I was surprised she would have such archaic views.
Yeah the whole point was that I want the birth control before I have sex, not after. I just was so stuned I couldn’t communicate that to her.
The ONLY reason previous sexual experience MIGHT have a bearing on your IUD is that some doctors won’t insert it if you’ve never been pregnant because the uterus is “too small.” (I’ve never been pregnant, and my IUD went in just fine). Otherwise, as others have said, it’s no more sexual than putting in a tampon.
(Also you’re right, it’s unprofessional to bring up political stuff in the office – even if you’d started the conversation, he should have politely declined to participate and stayed focused on, you know, doing his job)
Yeah I was speaking to my mother about it, she grew up in a developing nation and she said that over there iuds are regularly given to adolescent girls so I think the whole “small uterus” thing is just an excuse.
Based on both of these instances, I think it’s really important to get a different doctor. These are so massively inappropriate! If you can’t get another doctor for some reason having to do with money, family, insurance or whatever, find out if there’s a Planned Parenthood near you. You’ll have confidentiality and you can talk to them about how to pay for it.
If you can’t: Research IUDs from reliable sources (e.g. the Planned Parenthood or Scarleteen websites) before you go, if you haven’t already, and then tell your obgyn what the GP told you and see how she responds. If she also goes on about this virginity bullshit (and it is some real deal bullshit) and/or does not tell you information that matches what you know about IUDs, then you can consider how you’d like to proceed. She won’t be able to tell if you’ve had penis-in-vagina sex or not. I don’t think it’s generally a good idea to lie to your doctor, but sometimes you are stuck between a rock and a hard place and you need to be able to take care of yourself. Lie if you have to, get what you need to be healthy.
Thank for all the info. This is making me wish I had pulled the trigger when I accompanied my friend to planned parenthood in hs, but I was so shy and reserved back then.
Wow, a clinic I actually kind of want to protest out in front of solely on the basis of the people inside being so exceptionally inappropriate! So sorry this happened to you, that is all, all of it, way over the line.
Oh lord, I’m horrified, but I can’t honestly say I’m surprised. Sorry you went through all this.
I have had several lousy office experiences. The two that stick out most were
A. I have semi-regular visits to neurologists for migraines, and this was my first visit with a new one after a move. I threw on old clothes for the appointment, and the woman at the check-in desk took one look at me, assumed I had walked in with no appointment and no way to pay, and tried to talk me right back out the door.
B. I saw a psychiatrist in college for mental health reasons, and I really didn’t like him. He was one of those people who was extremely condescending and made the necessary step of requiring another visit for a refill feel like being taken hostage every time. One time I tried to ask for a longer period between visits (I wanted one refill) and he flipped back through his notes and read out a bunch of diagnoses at me, two of which we had never discussed and which had never come up at all with my therapist as reasons why he knew best. A second asshole psychiatrist, when we were first trying a new medication *did not believe me* when I called him after a week or so to say I had i. blown up at a guy in a bar (out with people but not drinking) and gotten kicked out for physically fighting, ii. cried for three days (literally only with breaks for sleeping) and iii. was sure this was not a typical sign of my depression, having been living with it for years. I wanted to be weaned off ASAP and discuss alternatives, but he refused to even move up my next appointment. I get that some side effects wear off in the first few weeks but really. I wound up weaning myself off and staying out of treatment for months (also a terrible idea, I know).
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Psychiatrists are supposed to make you feel safe and comfortable enough to open up to them and trust them with your issues. I read a story that said for some reason doctors believe women less when they say they are in pain leading to women getting sicker or just keeping it to themselves when they are in pain so to not seem as being dramatic.
God it is so infuriating when any medical professional is an asshole but why are mental health professionals so often the worst? My current consultant psychiatrist has: diagnosed me with a PD I don’t have, without telling me (I found out by reading his notes upside down across the desk); tried to prescribe me drugs that could have killed me because he had the wrong file in front of him; refused to consider referral for autism assesment because I can make eye contact in some situations; laughed in my face when I told him I was having difficulties with the side effects of one of my medications.
If I want to move to a different psych I’d need to start the referral process all over again and the waiting list is up to 2 years so I’m stuck with him.
Supporting everyone else who has already said WTF to both, but especially the IUD/virginity comment. There’s no reason you shouldn’t get one. The idea behind not giving them to women who haven’t have babies is that your cervix might have trouble dilating. I hadn’t had a baby when I got my IUD and had a small moment where they had to be patient with my cervix to get it to dilate — but it was FINE. After a minute, it was in, I was fine, all was fine. Your actual VAGINA should have nothing to do with this, it’s all for your uterus/womb.
I only got to part where your doctor told you implanting an IUD would mean you’d lose your virginity before I was shouting “WHAT? WHAT??? THAT IS NOT HOW VIRGINITY WORKS, AND THAT DOCTOR IS AN ASSHAT.”
I had to take a breath and THEN read Moment #2. WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE AND WHAT KIND OF AWFUL DOCTOR’S OFFICE IS THAT? That is some seriously incompetent bullshit right there. All of it. I’m sorry you had to go through that!! You would have been totally within your rights to complain, but I understand being reluctant to in the moment! You can still call and make a complaint now, if you want to, and definitely don’t go back there!
Since you asked for doctor’s appointment horror stories, I’ll share mine. A few years ago, I went to a dermatologist because I had a little open wound that hadn’t healed for months (it was right on top of my head, so it was really easy to ignore). He was super condescending, told me it was just a pimple I couldn’t stop scratching even though I said I didn’t, and then tried to change the topic to how I could “look so much prettier if we got rid of that acne on your face”.
I replied “thanks, but I already have self-esteem”, to which he said “you’re a tough sell.” And I take that as a compliment. But I left without having pushed more about what the original problem actually was, and I’m still mad at myself for that. I’m mad that I let him bully me into believing, even for a moment, that something I *knew* was wrong and serious maybe wasn’t. I waited another month or so, and then I made an appointment with a different doctor, one who was competent and respectful and immediately diagnosed it as cancer. I had it removed within a couple days after that, and everything’s good now, but I am so glad that I trusted my instinct that said “I don’t like what that guy had to say. I’m going to see someone else.”
The lessons I learned: 1) A doctor needs to earn my trust; they don’t deserve it automatically any more than anyone else just because they have MD after their names. And 2) no one will ever be a better advocate for you than you.
Oh wow. Jeez good thing you followed your instincts, who knows how bad it would’ve gotten if you’d have ignored it like he had. Yeah I’ll definitely be shopping around for a new doctor, especially with my personality I’m too nice to argue with people.
what is is with doctors and pimples?
I had a doctor diagnose a great big inflamed rash on my chest as a pimple. And it turned out that in reality it was a major case of LYME’S DISEASE. Which I found out because I felt so awful I had to go to the ER a couple of days later. (Got immediately put on antibiotics, all better now, but no thanks to doctor #1!).
Glad you also got fixed up by a new doc.
AAAaaa work email AND Slack (both work and toast) are down and I’m working from home and suddenly questioning whether the rest of the world even exists if I can’t talk to it
We’re here for you! (Also, I recently made more delicious jam – rhubarb-cherry plus strawberry w/ a splash of cognac. We should try to see each other IRL!)
Oh I owe you a strawberries email, sorry. Yes let’s do something soon. Are you on toastie slack? I’m going to try to pull together a Tacoma meetup sometime in the next couple weeks.
Also I had a really good cherry jam recipe that had a bit of amaretto in it. I should try to dig that up. AND I have a cherry pitting manual machine thing that you can borrow if you need it. It’s way better than the squeezy thingy.
The rhubarb cherry jam didn’t involve pitting the cherries – just boiling and mashing through a strainer. Lazy ftw! I have an invite for Toastie Slack, but I can’t do it at work and I keep forgetting when I’m at home. I will endeavor to actually, you know, join this weekend.
TOTALLY UNRELATED TO YOUR THING but since slack is down I should tell you – you’re my match for the toast care package exchange! hooray!
Oh yay I wasn’t sure if it was exactly reciprocal — I think the toastpost is a secret santa model but apparently this is not! You said to check your tumblr so now I’m trying to figure out how to send you pretty girls and horses 🙂
I didn’t know it was reciprocal either!! That’s awesome, and evinces some excellent planning. Can’t wait to receive my pretty girl and her accompanying horse in the mail!
Does anyone else have secret/obscure hobbies? Or maybe not secret, but things you really like to do or subjects you’re super fascinated by that aren’t very popular and you don’t talk a lot about??
I’ve been getting pretty into letterboxing- it’s sort of like geocaching but with clues instead of coordinates and stamps instead of trinkets. It’s so fun to go treasure hunting! But it’s also weird to go look for boxes other people have hidden.
I tat! Well, I should say I used to, but it was really hard to find shuttles/materials IRL (I’m not keen on online shopping, especially because shipping to Canada is the worst). Also, there are only so many lace pieces one can use.
Letterboxing sounds really fun, though. Maybe I should start
Tatting sounds interesting! I feel the same way about cross stitch, it’s fun but there’s only so many things I can cross stitch.
Yeah, I love cross stitch but I can’t imagine committing to it as a regular hobby
Toasties!
I’ve been a lurker here since the beginning, but with the end so close I have to share something amazing that happened to me this week.
I saw Hamilton on Tuesday after waiting in the cancellation line for 24 hours! I don’t live in New York, but I’m a teacher so I had time this week to fly in for what I knew would be a long wait. With the Tonys this weekend and Lin-Manuel Miranda’s imminent departure, i knew it would only get crazier. Resale tickets are prohibitively exprndive right now, but cancellation tickets are face value. I knew this was my only chance and I couldn’t throw away my shot!
The whole experience was so incredible and everyone else on the cancellation line was so kind and the show more than lived up to my expectations.
Oh my god!!! I also got to see it in October through waiting in the cancellation line–though I give you so many points for waiting 24 hours. But YES. My best friend and I had the most incredible experience waiting for it in the line. We refer to the people we waited with as our “Hamilton family” still, and everyone was just so kind and gracious to each other. We would all clap when someone got in, and overall, it was just so amazing. I’m so happy you got to see it!
Everyone cheered for me when i got my ticket as well. I was the first person to buy a ticket since I only needed a single and everyone in front of me needed pairs. But everyone else who got a ticket got there before me and some of the people who were behind me in line ended up staying a second night.
That is magnificent! I’m going IN TWENTY DAYS BUT WHO’S COUNTING? and I can’t stop glomming up stories from people who go to great lengths and/or expense and are still so satisfied afterward.
What did you decide to do about the seating arrangement?
Still not decided. THOUGH – when Kid2 was whining about his Spanish & Chem exams (he was *thisclose* to As for the semester in both, and a solid final exam would bring him there) I told him that if he didn’t do well enough on the exams to make 90 or better for the semester in those classes, he would lose the chance to sit in row A during any part of the show.
I have never seen him more motivated. He got his As. And then he passed his driving exam. I’m trying to think of more things I can make him reluctantly do in the next 20 days with this very excellent carrot. 😀
Dear Toasties, I am posting this here because I know someone in this community posted in the past couple of weeks about the Avalanches’ impending return. WELL, I saw their new video linked somewhere yesterday – with no description, just “new Avalanches song, yay!” and somehow the video was so disturbing it made me dizzy and I ALMOST THREW UP. Somehow it just contained the exact mix of horrifying elements that make something very, very Nope for me (scary drug trip imagery leading to scary people on drugs getting very violent, all shot in a very disorienting way). I felt like those people who read that Palaniuk story that I’ve always avoided since hearing about it. Anyway, I wanted to share that experience in a community that likes cool music but also will not scoff at me for saying I wished there’d been SOME kind of trigger warning on that!
Oh geez, that sounds awful. Sorry.
Was it the video for Frank Sinatra? I had the same reaction 🙁 🙁
YES! I’m so sorry you also had this experience, but thank you for saying so because I’ve been feeling crazy googling this and not even seeing anyone describing it as “disturbing.” It was just insta-revulsion for me.
I have been *waiting and waiting* to hear some critical commentary about the aesthetic of this video vs. the aesthetic of Lemonade. I feel like the different treatments of Louisiana culture would be pretty obvious to do, even if the Avalanches *hadn’t* used some neon yellow liquid as the thematic centrepoint of their videlo.
Oh, interesting. I did not pick up on that since, you know, it gave me physical nausea. But some site I read said it was set in Florida? Again, can’t confirm, did not watch enough.
Toasties
It is my birthday.
And I’m not feeling it.
It is one of those weird in-between ages. Life stuff is stressful. I am home for the summer which is not where I wanted to be–All my friends are elsewhere. I am not where I wanted to be at this point in my life. And I have a super itchy rash from an allergy to who knows what.
Consoling GIFs, animal pics, and advice on how to maybe cheer up/be a bit more celebratory appreciated? What low key ways do you like to celebrate your awesomeness?
Do you have some money? I’m not sure how old you are or what your life obligations are, but my 44-year-old-suburbanite-mom-of-teens self loves me a weekend stay at a Hilton Express or similar hotel. There are no chores, no expectations, the room is clean and comfortable, and I find it very refreshing to laze about in the bed all morning, go out to brunch, come back to the room and read/watch movies all afternoon, go out to dinner, and be lazy some more.
If that’s out, can you do a weekend marathon of your favorite books or movies?
Hang in there, friend! I love celebrating birthdays usually, but there have been a few years when I felt blah about it. A couple of those were when I had no friends nearby, but I have always been big on taking myself out on dates, so I’d put on a nice skirt and go have dinner and a glass of wine at a place with tablecloths, or take myself to a concert or to a museum.
Now that I have lived where I lived for longer, I do things with the friends I’ve made even if I don’t feel like celebrating–they cheer me up!–but I still look back on those solitary birthdays with fondness.
korean spa scrub!
I’ve been horrible about keeping up with OT lately (started a new job, and the joys of grad school, and life in general), but rant time–
I am so fed up with living with roommates. Housing prices in Boston as a grad student make in necessary, but oh my god. The main thing is that one of the people I’m living with is extremely passive aggressive, hot and cold in friendlies, and an extreme slob. Mainly, our bathroom is disgusting. I was having a decent day, then went to take a shower (motivated by thinking I could use the fancy shampoo samples Sephora sent me), and the tub was coated with a combination of thick black hair and SEEDS from the soap she uses. The tub is normally varying levels of gross, but this was a new level, and now I am so disgusted that I’m just considering buying dry shampoo and trying not to cry. I’m not a neat freak by any means, but clean common spaces are like basic human decency and I’m just really sick of all this.
Sorry for ranting, but Toasties are good for sharing rage and commiseration. Share advice and roommate horror stores to satiate me! I cannot wait for September, and hopefully getting a new situation of some kind. (also sucks because she has the best cat ever, who I ADORE, so going to be sad about the cat leaving, but not at all sad about her).
In my last room mate situation, I am pretty sure was the only one ever to clean the bathroom. I tried discussions and chore wheels and passive-aggressively just not cleaning, but nothing ever happened and I always broke down and did it. I am still friends with them, because they are beautiful, amazing, genius slobs. But I think a year passed after I moved out before anyone scrubbed the toilet. That bathroom is now covered in hair and mold and… other things… and I have to will myself not to cry if I have to pee when I go over there. And I have to admit, it is much easier to appreciate all their excellent qualities when I’m not awash in their mess on a daily basis. I wanted to murder their faces sometimes. All my internet hugs to you.
Ohhhh god. Yeah this sounds very similar to my situation. It’s good to know I’m not alone. I sent her a text asking her to clean, and she just replied back saying it’s not as dirty as it looks, and that it’s just seeds from her soap that “hang out” in the tub because it doesn’t drain properly?? I am just…this is not helpful. Oh people.
“It’s not as dirty as it looks” is an unacceptable response to a roommate’s request to clean the bathroom. WTF.
Seeds, damn. If you’re using weird bath products you clean the damn bath after you use it that is basic courtesy.
A month or so ago I lived in an unrated airbnb for 2 weeks which turned out to be a room in a mens university dorm and it was HORRIFIC. I had to mop out the bathroom with bleach before I could use the toilet, I showered maybe once every three days because there was mould and hair and unspeakable mess in there and it smelled like a drain. One morning I went to clean my teeth after having scrubbed the bathroom with bleach the day before and there was phlegm on the outside of the sink. Couldn’t even use the kitchen I dont think it had ever been cleaned. The first week I was there there was a pot of stew just sitting open on the counter. I bought an electric kettle and ate boil in the bag meals the whole time.
In retrospect I should have just cut my losses and gone somewhere else but I’d paid up front and I didnt want to argue about a refund. I gave them a really bad review though.
…that sounds HORRIFIC and I am so sorry you had to deal with that. Internet hugs and a medal of badassery for you.
According to her, the tub doesn’t drain properly, and that’s why the seeds just chill out there, but she could mop them up or something.
It probably doesn’t drain properly BECAUSE it’s clogged with seeds and hair.
They might start to germinate. That happens apparently.
That is… horrifying but also fascinating? Plants growing in your shower drain?
Phlegm? UGH.
….like, actual or euphemistical phlegm?
ACTUAL
Is it completely out of the question to hire a housecleaner? That is really the best way to overcome differing levels of cleaning expectations — outsource it.
I could at least look into it? Even if it’s just a one time, deep clean thing, I’d be willing to pay for it. Our bathroom is so disgusting that it could benefit from a professional deep clean.
I have a recommendation for an excellent cleaner in the Boston area. Two of my coworkers have gone with her, and she will leave your place spotless. I’m going to call her when I get settled in my new place. If you have Twitter, DM me if you’re interested and I’ll give you her number. I’m @EitherAda.
Just followed you on Twitter! (same name as here, and I need to use Twitter more often lol) We should also discuss Boston things if you’re moving to the area. And I love your picture on there. Ada Lovelace ftw.
I’m just moving from one Boston-ish neighborhood to another. Was going to say I’ve been here a few years, but I just now realized I have been here for more than a decade.
WTF, time? How do you pass so quickly?
I’ve generally had decent roommates, but I’ve always just cleaned shared bathrooms when I want them clean, because it turns out always being the one to clean the bathroom bothers me substantially less than using an icky bathroom. This is true even now that I’m married- we split chores by type based on personal priorities/ preferences. But I was lucky enough to have roommates who may have been blind to soap scum, but had other positive qualities like “likes vacuuming” and “takes the trash out regularly” so the overall cleanliness of our living spaces was relatively pleasant.
Zip-its, drain volcanos, and drain cleaner may resolve the tub drainage situation to the point where the mystery bath products will drain properly. There’s nothing like a slow drain to make a tub super gross. The Unfuck Your Habitat mop trick for shower/ bath cleaning also works well and significantly reduces the labor of cleaning. She has a bunch of good advice about cleaning and shared housing generally, which may be worth a read.
I recommend installing a new showerhead with a hose – cheap, easy to install and you can rinse off the entire shower and tub area before using it. (If you apart it with a vinegar/dishwashing detergent mix regularly you only need to rinse it off.) I’ve used
this method in at least 5 apartments over the years.
That is so terrible and I’m so sorry. My roommate is my best friend in the world, we have been living together for 7 years, but for the last 4 we have had our own bathrooms and I think that has saved my sanity. I love her but she is not just messy, it’s worse.
I usually cook for the both of us, and we have talked about how I expect her to wash the dishes if I do the work of cooking the food for us (I even put the food away and put everything in the sink!). But she doesn’t. I’ve given up on talking to her about it, because I’ve tried that, and I think my only next option is telling her if she won’t help me by cleaning then she doesn’t get to eat my food- and I know I can’t stick to that.
Seriously, though, she will leave food sitting in the sink for more than a week. Once I cooked and left the dishes in the sink and left on vacation for a week. I get back, and the food in the sink is ROTTING. IT SMELLS LIKE ROT. AND SHE HAS IGNORED IT THE WHOLE TIME. I was pissed off but also flummoxed. How does a person not notice that smell????
I have so many roommate horror stories! One of mine was basically like yours — the shared spaces were incredibly filthy and various things started breaking. It got to the point where I made sure to spend as much time away as possible so I’d only have to use the bathroom in the mornings and evenings, and that I was living on supermarket salad and breakfast cereal because I didn’t have the heart to try to sort out the kitchen. It wasn’t just the grossness but one of the toilets being broken and the other one being full of encrusted urine on the seat.
The worst part is that I assumed it was a new roommate and talked to old one about this (they were from the same country and there was a language barrier, so I asked if he could discuss this with the new roommate). I even resorted to leaving post-it notes like “please keep the sink clean” because we were never home at the same time and I was at a loss for what else to do.
When I finally broke down and moved out, I found out that the new roommate was moving out too for exactly the same reasons. I even overheard him breaking out crying to the landlord, even. It was basically the old roommate all along.
(He’d been mildly gross and annoying from the start but I never expected that he’d be THIS gross and terrible.)
I’m living with 4 boys and it’s the worst. We have a cleaner who comes every 2 weeks and they somehow think that means they can get away without lifting a single goddamn finger around the kitchen and bathroom. And I am boycotting doing the interim cleaning because I’m the only female flatmate and I refuse to clean up after these idiots!!!!! Once my boyfriend and I had to bag up the literal landfill the others had decided to make in the kitchen by piling up their trash in a cardboard box??
Only 3 more months of this and then we move out, thank fucking god otherwise I would stab everyone (with the expensive knife I bought and one of them used AS A CAN OPENER. AFTER BREAKING MY ACTUAL CAN OPENER. On second thought I might end up setting fire to the whole place before our tenancy is up).
I am sad about Gordie Howe (he wrote back when I sent him a letter and was extremely kind).
Psyched for the Tony’s on Sunday because the Tony’s are my Superbowl (I yell at the tv, I cheer, occasionally face paint is involved). I’ve really been digging the Waitress soundtrack.
I will be making coconut “bacon” this weekend and I am excited about that.
My OT contribution is that I went to NYC this weekend, and it was lovely. I discovered the Strand (I could definitely live there forever, but I had to satisfy myself with a stack of books and a tote bag with a book trolley on it), ate awesome hand-pulled Chinese noodles, went to a tiki bar with my artist cousin and her artist friends, saw a feminist protest art display, and met one of the editors of TheMarySue! It turns out she’s my cousin’s roommate!
Toasties! I would like to request some therapy advice! Long story short, I’ve had GAD and persistant depressive for most of my life. I just started meds last year and finally found a therapist that helps me (though I only got to see him for a few months before I moved) I’m a college student in rural northern Wisconsin, and after advice from my new doctor found a new therapist a few months ago. This therapist was specifically working with me on trauma using EMDR, and it seemed to be working okay, but I never really left the meetings feeling any better (nor did it seem to make a difference in my life) I love the idea of EMDR and use visualization in my daily life for religious, creative, and personal reasons, so I thought it would be good. However, after a particularly hard week where I decided it would benefit me more not to go to therapy than to go, I haven’t been for more than a month. One reason behind this is that I do all my medical things at the clinic in a nearby reservation (I’m an enrolled tribal member so it’s more convenient and cheaper, and they have great healthcare for the area) The place is a half hour away by rural bus (I don’t drive.. working on that) and due to the bus schedule, requires a 3-4 hour block of time to both take the bus both ways and attend the appointment. Also, my therapist is only there on Wednesdays, so it was not convenient during the semester. It was possible to do, but a huge stress when I did it. Now I have a full-time office assistant job for the summer and live two towns over from the reservation, making it impossible to attend therapy at all. There isn’t much of anything I can do right now (but be grateful that the stress of travelling short distances every week is gone) but I’m not sure whether I stopped going to therapy in the first place because I thought it would benefit me to stay away, or because I didn’t want the hassle of the commute. Any advice? <3
Only you can tell what works best for you, but if the stress of getting there was so high I can see why you’d do a cost-benefit analysis and figure it wasn’t worth it. I had terrible PPD with my first kid and (now I know) my ex was ramping up the gaslighting, and I was seeing someone who just treated my panic attacks like bipolar attacks and kept putting me on stronger and stronger meds. I would have to get a babysitter for my 2 year old, drive downtown and pay for parking, wait an hour, see her for 20 minutes just for a Rx, and then drive home. I finally just went in and said that, as a depressed mom of a 2 year old, giving me meds that slow me down/make me sleepy was the wrong way to do things. And that I’d rather spend the $70 a visit on an hour of maid service, because that would give me some time to rest and one less thing to worry about. She was spitting mad–I don’t know that anybody’d ever told her they didn’t think her time was worth it right to her face before.
But I felt that if she was going to be treating postpartum moms she really had to figure out that she wasn’t seeing their needs, so I spoke up rather than ghosting.
I eventually improved by taking a job at a daycare that I could take my son to. It was low-pressure and social effort.
TL;DR it was the right thing for me to quit therapy at that time. If it adds more stress than it helps then taking a break is a good idea.
Our cat Liza died 4 months ago, and I think I’m almost ready to get another cat.
When my childhood dog died, my parents (mainly my dad) were adamant that they weren’t ready for another dog anytime soon. A couple months later, they saw a woman walking down their street with a dog, started talking to her, found out that the dog was a foster and looking for a home, and adopted her basically immediately. They (and I) still miss our old dog something fierce, but the new one has been such a wonderful addition.
I bet there’s a cat ready for you too.
if you feel like you’re ready, there are a lot of options. i foster with a non-profit and lots of people come and ask what to do if they think they’re ready, but aren’t sure. i know you didn’t actually ask this, but i’ll just throw some of the options out there.
visit a lot of cats. look up adoption events, ask pet stores if they have them, and look up non-profits who do adoptions and see if they have a location, or a few fosters who have lots of cats at anyone time. you can really get a feeling for all the personalities and see if you click with any.
also, our non-profit has a sanctuary, where hard-to-adopt cats live. if you foster one of these permanently, the non-profit pays the vet bills and you create a new space at the sanctuary. additionally, when you foster with a non-profit [depending on your state], your out-of-pocket expenses become tax deductible. kind of a nice option if you want to help a cat that doesn’t have great odds at adoption with a subsidy.
finally, fostering is a nice way to meet lots of cats in your own home. of course, there is the work of actually getting them adopted involved, but you learn a lot about cat behavior and find some great homes for them, and don’t upset permanent pet cats in the process. lots of foster people i have met say they wish they hadn’t adopted before also fostering, just because it might be easier on the resident cats.
just a few options.
When the home is ready, a cat will appear
My beloved 15-year old First!cat died in February. I had always been convinced I would bring home a new cat almost immediately, but I wasn’t able to do that for a variety of reasons, and I suspect I needed some time to grieve. I did get two new kittens last month, and though they are the joy of my life now, I still found myself crying over First!cat a couple of days ago.
I got about 100 of the summer care package exchange matches sent. ..170 to go.
I’ve been walking on my foot again for a few weeks now (I broke it on March 31st), but I’m having weird pain at the spot where the bone broke, like a little twinge. It’s worrying me; I really hope it doesn’t become a chronic pain issue.
I’m much less stressed and depressed since I quit my job, but now I’m facing the bills from my hospitalization for my panic attack and moving at the end of the summer and the prospect of finding a new job in the area where I’m moving (Detroit-area, I have both a customer service and IT (specifically SQL and business softwares JD Edwards and DSI) background, if anyone has any leads) and scheduling any new job around a conference I’m working at in late September/early October in San Diego (it’s a once a year gig, I assist with the registration desk and do tech support). Also, I signed up to be a volunteer with the SPCA over the summer, but I need to do a training session first and they don’t have any open slots until July 10th. So, not much to do until then but wait. And send out summer care package matches.
Thank you for all your hard work! I got my match today and it’s someone I already follow on tumblr so yay 🙂
Yay! I’m glad that worked out. Doing the matching feels tricky – some people seem like natural matches, whereas others feel more random.
I just got my match, thank you so much!
I didn’t quite remember whether I’d actually managed to send in the email signing up for it, so it was like an extra good surprise, too. So excited!
holy cats, there were that many?! Thank you so much for organizing this, it sounds like a huge undertaking, and you’ve got so much else on your plate! I got my match email today, thank you, I’m really excited!
Yeah, there were a lot of interested people, many who self-described as lurkers. 🙂
You’re a super star – thanks for taking on such a giant project.
Do baby your foot – they can be finicky when healing, though most likely you’re just experiencing that it’s a little weak there now. can you Ace bandage or sports tape it for a little extra daytime support of the bone? (not a doctor, just phobic about foot pain.)
Are there any eastern Nebraska Toast persons? Monday was the tenth anniversary of moving here, and I still have no friends that aren’t coworkers. well-meaning vegetarian anxiety princess seeks similar for non-drunken conversation about not-sports.
A bit late but: I’m unpacking as I’ve just moved, and I never unpacked everything from the last time we moved 3 years ago bc there wasn’t a lot of space, and I was going through a box of things of sentimental value and at the bottom there was a mess of fur and a mouse skeleton. So what’s the worse thing you’ve ever found while moving?
I once found a nest of mummified baby mice in a sofa.
You win.
This isn’t a particularly bad thing, depending on how you feel about artificial xmas trees. When I moved I brought my tree from my apartment. My parents came to help me move and they brought some stuff they had been storing for me. They also brought a tree. When I was putting those trees in the attic I found another tree already there. So this xmas I’m planning on turning my house into a forest.
I live with my mother in the summers bc of college/disability reasons & she owns /four christmas trees/ by /choice/, so that’s totally doable
Dead cats in the bushes (friend moved into a crazy cat lady house).
All i can say is /yikes/
Dirty diapers. When the movers said they’d pack everything, they used no discretion.
Oh my /God/,it’s bad enough my mom did that as a passive agressive “there’s too much trash under your bed” jibe but people who get /paid/ to move stuff? That’s terrible
My understanding is that when you hire people to pack, they ALWAYS (horrifyingly) pack every single thing in the space. They’re not responsible for determining what goes and what doesn’t, so they’ll, like, empty a trash can into a box and tape it up and put it on the moving truck.
HUH we’ve never hired movers so I had no idea, I’ll keep that in mind if I ever do thank you!
Yes, we are paying (or rather my husband’s new work is paying) to have people pack and load our things, and the moving consultant who is our liaison for this process told me to make sure that all the trash cans are empty or they will literally pack it.
I’m sitting up in bed with twenty pound tabby, writing out to the world.
A couple nights ago I got to meet one of my favorite authors, Mary Roach and talk about sharks with her!
I’ve been not feeling great otherwise (An increasingly less than ideal living situation, and both mentally and physically my health has gone very downhill. A diagnosis of one physical illness (scoliosis) has allowed me to focus on the part of the wiki page that says causes maybe include tumors, however much that may actually be true for me!) so I’m enjoying my own company a lot right now, obviously.
I have six episodes of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend left. I’m loving every single second of it. I found out Tamra Davis, director of Crossroads directed the third episode, and I’m delighted this connection exists. Any other fans of the show around these parts?
Philly Toasts, I will have an update on our #toastwake meet-up next week!
I think that’s everything I meant to say, so I will gracefully exeunt, pursued by a bear.
Here for Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, season finale resulted in actual gasping!
Were you by any chance at the reading in Harvard?
Philadelphia, sorry!
that’s a pretty hilarious signature
PAUL F TOMPKINS NEWS – There’s going to be 2 Thrilling Adventure Hour shows at the Bell House in Brooklyn on July 23, seriously considering flying down from Ontario to catch one. Any Toastie TAH fans? ETA: Tickets go on sale June 13
i love TAH! Especially Beyond Belief of course. I met Hal Lublin a few months ago and he did one of his voices for me (the room was too loud for me to hear what he was saying, but the sentiment was appreciated).
That’s amazing! Beyond Belief *is* the best of all of them. Frank and Sadie forever.
I watched Murder by Death last night, and the whole time, I was thinking “I wish I was watching Frank and Sadie right now”
better than allll the rest
This is the greatest gif(t) of all.
Oh, that is thrilling! Frank and Sadie <3
new Garbage album out today, and Tegan and Sara last week! I’ve yet to listen to the former but I’m happy it exists. I’m also teaching myself Joanna Newsom’s Cosmia and some of the music to In the Heights. What music are y’all into right now?
oooh Garbage!
Like two days ago my supervisor asked what music we wanted to listen too and one of my coworkers said oh any ol garbage will do. Whether my boss knew at time or not he replied that he’d put on garbage radio then so we got iHeart Radio’s Garbage station all day. It was great!
Also it’s the closest thing to “lady bands the radio station” I’ve heard so far.
Oh, I’m a bit late to this but hopefully people are still hanging around.
Pregnancy post/thread with some specific remarks/questions I have and need advice on!
1. Just, first of all, I had a pretty epic pregnancy meltdown today. I’m 32 weeks and so far have been doing really well with hormones but this past week has me on a hair trigger and it’s so exhausting. Today was one of those Perfect Storm type days, where the combination of my exhaustion and pregnancy symptoms and preexisting issues/frustrations ended up with me bawling in the bathroom at work while simultaneously having a hot flash. I’ve recovered a bit now, but it was miserable and now I’m even more exhausted. (ALSO IT IS SO HOT OUTSIDE.)
2. Question for Mamas! I need advice on how to handle a couple work/pregnancy related things. These are really almost more Ask a Manager or Dear Prudence type questions but I trust y’all’s opinions. Both are related to basically keeping work people in the loop in the final weeks of pregnancy, and whether not this is appropriate or maybe me just being TOO OCD/prepared. (Like I always like to communicate openly so there’s no chance for misunderstanding — not everyone operated like that.)
My inclination is to email my key team members in my department in the last 3-4 weeks before my due date. I work in a department of all men, and they’re not always the most supportive/sensitive to a pregnant woman’s needs. (They mean well, but they’re very much DUDES.) I want to remind them that while I’m due in early August, I could technically go into labor at any time in July. Mainly because we have some early morning/weekend shift rotations that would not get covered if I went into labor spontaneously or early. I kind of just want to make sure they’re aware that I’ll do my best to communicate but there’s a chance I’ll need to last minute cancel or get a shift covered or even not be able to communicate if I go quickly. Similarly — and this is where I’m more concerned — I want to kind of remind them that I will be on VERGE OF LABOR and might need a little…not leniency but consideration? We’re all pretty “family” here, and I don’t THINK this would be inappropriate but then I also expected they’d have a bit more sympathy up until this point and they haven’t been very thoughtful. (Not mean, just…again, DUDES.) I don’t want to be seen as not pulling my weight or weaseling out of responsibilities, but I’m also just EXHAUSTED beyond belief and every day at work gets harder.
The second easier question is about breastfeeding when I get back. I know I’m legally allowed my pump breaks, and luckily, my work already has a nice, private room prepared for nursing moms to do so. But again, my department is all men, pretty manly men — I want to make them aware that I will need to take breaks to pump probably at least twice a day, just so if I wander off for 20 minutes, they don’t think I’m goofing off. I don’t think anyone will have a problem with this, obviously, but I also think they’re the type of guys for whom the mention of breastfeeding is awkward and embarrassing. (Like, after mentioning I’d be getting up with her all night every night, my co-worker obliquely asked, “Oh, are you using a…feeding method that, uh, your husband can’t assist with?” Instead of just saying BREASTFEEDING.) So — is it better to bite the bullet and say screw their delicate man sensibilities and just calmly and succintly say, I’ll be taking two pumping breastfeeding breaks twice a day, thanks! ??
THANKS, sorry this was so long!!!
I’m in favor of screwing their delicate man sensibilities.
I have a friend that laminated a picture of a calf suckling from her cow and would just tape it to her office door when she went to pump, which disconcerted all the engineer dudes who worked with her, but it got the message across without anyone having to say the dread word ‘breast.’
Personally, I’m in favor of bluntness. But it can be quite, non-confrontational bluntness – a storage bin in the fridge labeled ‘breast milk – do not touch unless you’re emmy,’ a do not disturb sign on the pumping room door, etc. (Also, be aware that especially at first, 20 minutes may not be enough time to let down while pumping, and don’t force yourself to a timetable because you’re worried the men are all fretting about where you are.)
As for considerate behavior from the dudes – again, it depends on how blunt you want to be. I don’t think a matter-of-fact ‘heads up, the pregnancy is making it hard to move around as much as normal, so feel free to ask if you can refill my water bottle as you pass my desk. Also, fyi, if I text that I can’t cover a shift, it’s due to pregnancy or labor, and y’all might need to fill in. Reminder: due date window is July 20 – August 10, and I will be out of the office for 4 months after the birth.’
My oldest is 20 & I’m still mad at him for being 8 days late – during hurricane season – and due in September, so I was heavily pregnant during the long-ass summer. It sucks to have a third trimester in summer, and I hope your meltdown helped release some of the tension. ((toastiehugs))
Dealing with women who need to pump is part of being in a workplace. Women work, many women breastfeed their babies, hence men in the workplace have to learn to be comfortable with it. I say be blunt and, most of all, unapologetic.
Second everything everyone else said, also depending on your shift you might need more than two breaks. I think it’s better to be up front so you don’t get a situation where someone thinks you are just unavailable
Yes, tell them everything, and you’ll probably have to do it several times.
On the other hand, you’re well prepared for dealing with babies!
A Man at my work: “oh, I got in trouble for pulling Angelan’s hair last time!” He said, as he reached out and pulled my hair again.
Why????
I did not laugh awkwardly this time, I just said “yes you did.”, which is an improvement. Next time, he loses the hand. >:|
BAN MEN
WTF do you work with kindergarteners???
Scientists. Sigh. :/
BURN DOWN THE LAB
OFF WITH HIS HANDS
Dear Toasts. I have not been in my home country in six years. My friend is coming to visit me in New Country in two weeks. I’ve asked her to bring me a mini suitcase packed with things, which I have stored in another friend’s basement. Friend said no, because she “doesn’t know what it’s in the suitcase and they might ask her about it at the airport.” I am disappointed and upset and really mad at my friend, although I told her it was fine and I didn’t want to create a hassle for her. But inside I am raging. Am I being unreasonable here? I have been just dreaming about certain scarves, an autographed book, special things that are in that suitcase and I really don’t understand why my friend won’t bring it to me when she is coming here anyway. Does she think I hid drugs in it or something??
Is there a reason she can’t open it up and look through the contents to put her mind at ease? I’d be uncomfortable carrying a package that I didn’t know the contents of by having personally looked at them, but I’d be happy to otherwise.
If it’s private to you and you don’t want her looking at the contents, is there someone who would be willing to ship the package to you without opening it? Depending on carry on rules, weights, etc. that can be as cheap as or cheaper. ETA: Depending on where you’re shipping to/from. I know someone who mails himself suitcases home when he goes to visit because it lets him book the zero bags ticket cheaply.
Thank you! If shipping costs were more reasonable I wouldn’t have gone six years without these items, unfortunately (I’ve been pretty broke for all this time as well). She says she won’t have time to open it, which….? it would take only a few minutes? Thank you for replying, in any case!
I wouldn’t take it too personally– I get irrationally nervous going through security and customs with my own luggage, I can’t imagine being comfortable taking through anyone else’s, even family, unless I knew exactly what was in it. Seconding secondursula’s idea to ask her to ship the luggage– I did that in college a fair amount.
Thank you for sharing! That must be my friend’s perspective. She is pretty anxious/neurotic in general. I think it might also be a cultural thing, as New Country is veeeerrrryyy laidback, and I can’t quite fathom any more how uptight Old Country truly is.
For what it is worth, I think your friend is being crazy and selfish.
Thank you very much! Validation is worth quite a lot. Now I just have to let go my inner rage in time to welcome her into my home for a week. I was so excited about her visit before this!
Yeah… I really do sympathize, but I can be a really anxious traveller. Just last week I flew from Europe to the USA, and I had a customs officer ask me if I was carrying my own luggage, it was packed by me and to confirm that my luggage had never been outside of my own possession. I’m already anxious about my own luggage, if I was carrying someone else’s I probably would really freaked out. Maybe she has had similar things happen before?
Toasties! I’m doing a solo weekend in New Orleans later this month (had a flight voucher that was about to expire). I’ve never been before. Give me ideas for things to do! (Preferably cheap things!)
Beignets at Cafe du Monde! There’s a little park near by where you can eat them while overlooking the Mississippi River.
Hello from California! Man, open threads go up early in this time zone. I am in non-coastal SoCal for work this week and it is great. This is such a hippie town with a bunch of rich weirdos in it for a music festival, which makes for fantastic people-watching. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many shoes clearly purchased from REI in one place before.
Also I have spent the past two mornings listening to improvisational meditation music on top of a mountain and ENJOYING it, who even am I. Clearly I need to get back to NYC ASAP.
you are don drapering!
Question for Lord Peter Wimsey fans–
Say that someone had, despite their best efforts, failed to get through “Whose Body?” and wanted to skip over it.
Which of the series should they read next? And in what order would you suggest reading the rest of them?
I think you can go straight to Strong Poison, the first book with Harriet Vane. I personally disliked the second book, Clouds of Witness, and don’t really remember the next one, Unnatural Death, but Strong Poison is good and of course has Harriet!
After that there’s Five Red Herrings, which I enjoyed but apparently isn’t widely appreciated, and then Have His Carcase is the next one with Harriet. After that there’s The Nine Tailors and Murder Must Advertise, which I thought were both good even without Harriet, and then Gaudy Night, which is great and considered one of the best (and has Harriet, which you had probably already figured out given the general tenor of my recommendations so far!). I actually have not read Busman’s Honeymoon, the final full book – been saving it for a special occasion!
Thank you!! This is extremely helpful.
Everybody I know who’s read them raves about them, and I have a whole set that my mother gave me years ago. I want to finally read them all over this summer.
The books get better as she continued writing. There is some geat stuff in there about the art of writing mysteries and critical self-reflection on her earlier works which I enjoyed.
I’ll put in a vote for The Unpleasantness at the Bellona Club and second the recommendation of Murder Must Advertise. Only the Harriet Vane books really need to be read in order (Strong Poison, Have His Carcase, Gaudy Night, Busman’s Honeymoon) though so if one of the others intrigues you I’d say just go for it.
Also, you might consider (if you haven’t already) reading some Agatha Christie, which will set some of the context for Sayers and (if you’re like me) be both a) enjoyable in their own right and b) conducive to enjoying Sayers’s virtues all the more. Murder on the Orient Express, Roger Ackroyd, and Then There Were None are good bets.
Make sure you read the Harriet books in order, but aside from that, it doesn’t matter too much. I personally started with Strong Poison and followed it up with The Nine Tailors, both of which were excellent introductions.
I would suggest Strong Poison (the first of the books with Harriet Vane in, who is great) or Unnatural Death (another early one). In general the order shouldn’t matter too much, but make sure you read Strong Poison, Have His Carcase, Gaudy Night and Busman’s Honeymoon in that order, as they are part of one story arc (although can stand alone). I would also recommend giving Murder Must Advertise a go, as it’s very funny.
I have an odd “does this happen to anyone else” question! Sometimes, when my husband is touching me (like… petting my arm, scratching my back etc), and usually only when I’m kinda tired, my brain presents me with random, extremely vivid, detailed images. They are not memories, and the content doesn’t seem to be related to anything on my mind at the time, it is pure free-association. Examples include: a grocery store shelf filled with ceramic blue cat clocks, a grassy field with a rabbit sitting next to two red flowers, a turtle swimming in the sea. Hmm, it seems like animals are frequently involved.
I’m asking because I only recently mentioned it, and thereby learned that this doesn’t happen to him – I thought this was just the way brains worked, but apparently not. Am I weird? Is he weird? Does your brain also do this? Is it related to synesthesia (as the arbitrary images are always triggered by touch)?
I used to see bizarre, mundane slideshows when making out. Like, I’d kiss and see a series of storefronts. Or I’d kiss and see a series of envelopes.
Oh the randomness! Glad to hear other people’s brains do this!
This happens to me while transcribing. I’ll be typing out the contents of some long boring interview and I will see intense, vivid images: the sidewalk outside my childhood home, my cat sleeping in my bed, my office cubicle from ten years ago.
I’ve never had it happen but it sounds like a synesthesia thing to me. Is it bothering you? Like, is it unpleasant, or just different?
I actually rather enjoy it, it’s entertaining! But it was jarring to learn that something that has always happened to me automatically and with such VIVIDNESS isn’t a universal experience. I guess brains are a rich tapestry!
Oh good! Rich tapestry indeed! I dream really vividly, but that’s definitely happening when I’m asleep. Brains are so interesting!
Yes, our brain does that, and we do have some other forms of synesthesia. Sometimes for us it is witchy, sometimes it is just random.
This happens to me!!!! * quietly * during sex mostly. It doesn’t happen a lot but enough to notice it and find it strange, particularly because it is extremely vivid and never sexual. But it provides an interesting and random glimpse into my memory archive!
I don’t have that, but I have a thing where my brain plays traffic intersections and sometimes streets/turns in the background most of the time. The particular intersection/turn is repetitive for a while and then, maybe after a month or so, a new one comes into rotation. It is so in the background that I never articulated that it was happening until my late 20s, at which point people said, no, their brains do not do that. Related, maybe, is that I have a really stupendous sense of direction.
Whoa, that’s so interesting! I bet it is related to your sense of direction. Fascinating!
So kind of like getting a song stuck in your head, but visuals of intersections?
Yes, when I’m sleepy and trying to carry on something else (conversation, cuddling- don’t have to be touching someone though) I’ll get intrusive blinking-up-when-I-close-my-eyes images. A lot of the time it’s like, fabric prints or textures, but recently it was a pleasant mountain road.
I get sounds, not images. Usually classical music (like the Hallelujah chorus as performed by a 120-person choir and full orchestra, or a Mozart piano sonata), but sometimes popular music. It’s always something I’ve heard at some point in my life, but not always in a version that I’ve heard, if that makes sense. The other day, for example, I got James Taylor’s Sweet Baby James performed in the style of Pitbull which was…interesting. Brains are weird.
Theater Toasties!
Project Y Theater Company is launching a women in theater festival in New York this week and they asked me to write an essay for them and if you need to start your weekend off with some arts-related misandry, here it is:
http://www.projectytheatre.org/category/wit-women…
After the Toast closes can all the theater Toasties band together to form a theater company…just checking…
Here, here!
I’m directing in the WIT Festival! It’s going to be fun, NYC Toasties, check it out!
My sweet Toasties! I am very fortunate that I have had you all in my life lately, since life itself has been very challenging and you all are so uplifting and hilarious. I’ve dealt with a breakup, house sale, move by myself and of course, the job has been HECTIC. All these things are behind me though and I am on vacation next week. I have just a small handful of plans, no “to-do” lists and am going to practice the high art of doing nothing. The world is my lazy oyster. As July 1st gets closer I get sadder that our time together is getting shorter <3! But that is for another day! I hope you all have great weekends!!!
Hello, I am the weirdo who went on a knitting cruise. It was fun! Not thinking of myself as a *cruise person* or an extrovert, I was worried, but it was plenty of free time. I didn’t take all the optional fiber related land tours, but the ones I went on were nice. Plus, Norway and Scotland are super awesome.
This here is the hat i made in class, and my first fair isle project.
Ooh, I think I saw the description of that knitting cruise, and it sounded awesome! Glad you enjoyed it!
That’s beautiful!!
How cool! And your hat is beautiful!
Gorgeous hat! Great work!
Report from my mom, visiting brother and nieces: Eilis [almost 5] is just wild very stubborn and very opinionated. She is into picking herb, grass and flowers to make poisonous soup “that will make you fall down dead.”
too witches, too witches
yessssssss.
I did something similar when I was around that age. Who amongst us does not want to control the power of Life and Death?
Hi Toasties,
Once again I’m so late to OT. I’ve given up posting on OT recently because I never make it in time, but I want to at least try to get some advice before this place closes! (Sob)
I am hoping for some advice from this venn diagram of Toasties if you will:
Toasties who identify as kinky
Toasties who have positive dating stories
More in the reply just to keep things as PG13 as possible.
I’ve just moved from NYC to the Bay Area and I have to say I finally feel more positive about dating prospects (or at least, hopeful enough that I have started putting myself out there again).
The problem is, I’m a feminist who wants to find a kinky guy (why are so many guys on kink sites so offensive?!) And I don’t move very quickly because I need to know someone’s mind to be attracted to them.
I am sick of meeting guys off dating apps who don’t understand what I want, and guys off BDSM sites who think I will sleep with them immediately BC kinky means “I have sex with anything that moves” (it will come as a surprise to no one here that I state all over my profile and in messages that it takes me time to feel comfortable with someone. And that almost every first date a guy ignores that and tried to convince me to sleep with him).
My friends tell me to stop meeting guys on BDSM sites because “normal guys can be into that too” which I completely agree with, but it’s hard enough for me to find ONE person I like, let alone have that shared interest (also, I don’t think they realize how varied kink can be. Just BC someone is into a more varied expression of their sexuality doesn’t mean it’s the same as another persons). I also want to find someone like me who, this is what they want 100%. Not something they are willing to try out because it sounds fun. In my (admittedly limited) experience I am much happier with guys who have a history and experience with these dynamics. Also, I do have at least friends on kink sites and they would appear “normal”!
Is there a better way for me to go about this? Do you have any advice? I’m on bumble and tinder and just not meeting anyone I’m excited about. But the guys I do get excited about on BDSM sites drop me when I assert my boundaries (for the record, I don’t need months of dating, but I would be happy with like 4 dates or so before I start really getting into it with someone). It took me many years to accept this part of myself along with my feminist side, and I’ve been looking specifically for this dynamic since 5 years ago when I first learned it was a real thing and not just my own “weird” needs that would never be met.
Were you maybe in my boat at one time? Did it work out for you?
Did you ever want to punch the next person in the face who said “I don’t know why you’re single but… I know so many amazing women just like you”?
Ps I hope I explained this well. I don’t want to be super revealing about my interests but I also don’t want to downplay what I’m looking for. Also I’ve worked overtime every day this week so I’m probably not at my best, brain-wise :/
Speaking from more than 15 years of experience using kink and nonkink websites to find dates, I have had the most success on OKCupid and would not use a kink website to date again.
You can use the OKC questions system to filter for people receptive to kink, including those who are turned off by BDSM culture (like me!) and those who are not out about being into kink, whether due to external factors (job, family etc.) or internal factors (still struggling to accept this part of themselves). This widens the dating pool considerably.
There are definitely lovely people on kink sites, no question. But these sites do attract more than their fair share of predators seeking to gaslight their way past consent. It’s little consolation that these scumbags are so easy to spot because they do dumb shit like ignore your clearly stated hard limit about ‘no sex on the first date’. But if you *can* reframe it as you spotting immediately that they are dangerous and YOU dropping THEM, it might help. And I really do recommend that you drop anyone who disrespects your boundaries… always really, but especially within the context of kink dating.
Also, just from my own experience, OKC seems to have more dudes not open about kink because they fear their desires make them misogynistic monsters, while kink sites seem to have more dudes not open about kink because they have wholeheartedly embraced their madonna/whore complexes. There’s not much you can do about the latter, but it’s amazing how quickly the enthusiastic encouragement of a feminist lady can help a conflicted kinky dude accept that his desires do not make him a monster.
So I stay off kink sites and don’t do munches or clubs any more. That’s partly because I no longer identify with BDSM/kink culture at all. But it’s also because dating is a numbers game and the odds seem better for me on nonkink sites.
As a caveat, I have only done kink dating in Europe… it might be different in the US.
It is hard. Decent men into kink are out there. Good luck!
Thank you!!! This was a very helpful and lovely reply. Even just affirming that it’s hard and it’s not just me!
I am not into BDSM culture (at least, not at all compared to those who are regulars on these sites) but I started searching on there after having such poor luck with more “normal” pools of dating. But I am glad to hear that you don’t go to clubs or munches and have still managed to find partners in other ways. I’ve never wanted to go to a munch, and the clubs around me are ones I would not frequent without already having a partner to attend with me. I was starting to worry that if I didn’t start forcing myself to attend events in local scene, I would be cutting myself off from ever finding someone.
I drop the predators immediately, but I’ve found I have a happy/sad view of it- on the one hand, like you say, it’s a relatively quick way to find out that someone is a garbage person and feel 100% ok cutting them off. On the other hand, the amount of times I’ve had to do it just makes me more anxious about ever finding someone (in my time zone and similar stage of life) who will respect my boundaries and want all the things and I want and have chemistry with.
The OKC advice is good! I’ve had mixed experiences there in the past but I might give it a try again and answer those questions/ filter my matches for kink!
Thank you again <3
Worst comes to worst, I’ll just have to move back to Europe ^_^
I feel v. awkward about making announcements about me, but I am pretty freakin’ psyched I got accepted into an 8 person master class with Karen Joy Fowler in a goddamned Tuscan villa.
that is AMAZING. When do you go?
Congratulations!
It's worth a try, and I'm open to pretending it's magic for my own peace of mind. I also imagine it would be easier for other people to identify that she is a cat with a home if she houdinis out again. Thanks.
In other news: I work at Target, dress code: pants, solid color, preferably khaki, no blue jeans.
I’ve been rolling my pants up anywhere from mid calf to above my knees for the entire 4 years I’ve been working there as a sort of token assertion of autonomy.
After about 10 months (I transfered to a different store 14 months ago) of silence on the topic my supervisors tried to tell me I *had* to unroll them. It’s going to be another week or so before I count myself in the clear but so far I have successfully stared them down.
Uhp, may spoke to soon. Maybe quitting Target in the coming months. May have to switch to a skirt at least.
I hope you find a way of feeling at peace in yourself at work (and if that’s not possible, finding work that allows you a sense of at-peace-ness).
In other news: I work at Target, dress code: pants, solid color, preferably khaki, no blue jeans.
I've been rolling my pants up anywhere from mid calf to above my knees for the entire 4 years I've been working there as a sort of token assertion of autonomy.
After about 10 months (I transfered to a different store 14 months ago) of silence on the topic my supervisors tried to tell me I *had* to unroll them. It's going to be another week or so before I count myself in the clear but so far I have successfully stared them down.
Always late to OT because it goes up at 3am or so in Oz time BUT yesterday I went to a silent disco w a friend and I loved it and it reminded how much I love dancing and how long it has been and I wanted to share that with you all and suggest that maybe it would be a good time to reconnect to something that brings you joy.
Aaaaand it’s 10 days till I hop on a plane and head to the Catskills for the very first time. I am very excited but also a little anxious because I still don’t have a job to come back to. I was called by a recruiter 3 days ago but the start conflicted with this trip : (
Please tell me I will not be unemployed forever.
The Catskills are very lovely! I sincerely doubt you will be u employed forever. Enjoy your trip!
Update on the “neighbor’s teenager is a wayward and troubled youth” situation. Their car is all messed up, because he grabbed the wheel at one point while his mom was driving, jerking the car into a guard rail (thank god it was just a guard rail, because it was a very steep hill next to that). Because of his stepdad’s safety concerns (the family also has two kids aged 9 and 6), 16-year old is living at a friend’s house for awhile.
I have no idea why I’m posting about this, or whether I’m looking for advice on supporting friends with troubled kids or not. But it’s been on my mind all day. I really don’t want to think that this formerly-sweet 16-year old boy just tried to kill his mother, but…he forced the car out of its lane and into a guard rail. This freaks me out, you guys.
I think your being freaked out and preoccupied is understandable. 🙁
That sounds really awful for everyone involved. And I’m grateful for the existence of the guard rail. And I hope that there is a way for him to make it to adulthood and equanimity without harm to himself or anyone else.
I have no idea how she’s doing with it (she saw me yesterday, but didn’t talk to me at all (?), and just hurried the kids inside), but Mr. Neighbor says she’s in denial. I have no idea if this is true, because they’re both somewhat unreliable narrators when it comes to each other. And the poor 9- and 6-year old are just trying to deal with the fact that their older brother doesn’t seem to care about them anymore, and their parents are fighting about it all the time. AAAAAAAAAUGH.
I’ve offered to take the kids for an occasional day of gardening if it’ll help, now that school’s out for the summer.
You are such a good and thoughtful and caring neighbor. I don’t have any advice right now but I thought you should get props.
Thank you, friend. I just wish caring about people hard enough could solve their problems.
Oh, wow. My thoughts and prayers to you and neighbors. That’s tough.
It is terrifying to know that you do not have control over a 16 year old with rage issues and lack of impulse control. That mom could have been me. I only have faith in the support system I have and pharmaceuticals and time to grow out of it.
We have had boy in counseling off and on for 7 years. Sometimes brain chemicals are just assholes. Acknowledging that is scary.
16 sucks. FYI my kid is 1000% more asshole when he’s forgotten to eat. Playing video games makes you forget to eat. Hence, 16 year old boys either eat for a large block of time continuously, or sleep 14 hours, forget to eat, and crash spectacularly 5 hours after that. Just the other day after a particularly stressful driving outing we instituted a “no driving if boy is hungry” rule. (he was ok, until we nearly got hit head on by a pick up truck, so adrenaline factored into that too).
Be there for the boy if you think you he needs an adult who will listen to him.
If they aren’t getting the kid in counseling, and even if they are, I think a call to social services/child protection services is in order. To keep the other two safe, to keep the kid himself safe. They can intervene and maybe mom will face things then. But it is a good idea to call someone to check on this whole family.
They’re at the “police intervening” stage, which is kind of terrifying. They had him in counseling, but it apparently didn’t work. What especially sucks is that the parents are in no way united on this, with mom being (according to stepdad) in denial and far too indulgent, and stepdad being (according to mom) too harsh and judgmental. It’s incredibly hard to be supportive to one member of the family without alienating the rest, and I’m really worried this will end badly (especially for the little kids, who have no way to contextualize any of this).
I’ve been thinking of you a lot as well, throughout this entire thing. I hope things work out for your family. *toasthugs*
I think your idea of helping take the kids every now and then is a great one- and you don’t need to take sides for that, you just like spending time with them and you know the family’s going through a tough time right now (regardless of whose version you believe). Having a stable friendly adult in their lives is hugely important when things get a bit iffy at home.
Whoa, what’s the situation here? Is he getting some kind of help? Is he on drugs or meds or something?
I like the idea of offering to take the younger kids out for gardening and activities they might like to give the parents some space to rest and to give the kids a break from all the stress.
Does anyone wish that they could fast forward their life by a few years?
A year, specifically. I’m about to start a year off between Grad School and More Grad School, and this year is just going to be working and stressful applying to things and saving money so that I can close the difference with my partner. We’re in an LDR and I am just very tired of this living situation and very ready to be with them.
I’m counting the freakin’ DAYS until I”m done with ex. Girl turned 13 = 5 years and then I’m done.
No. I always wanted my future self to talk to me and tell me what I’m doing wrong. It seems like I’m doing it wrong.
I’m just heartbroken at the news in Orlando. I have nothing good to say but if anyone wants to discuss or commiserate or just get hugs here’s a place.
*hugs also* I just feel so so angry and so so tired. Why is America willing to trample over all sorts of civil rights in the name of ‘preventing terrorism’ but completely unwilling to entertain the notion that there might need to be a balance between people’s right to unlimited access to firearms and people’s right to not be murdered?
Thank you. I’m with you. I haven’t been dancing in a long, long time, because introvert, but when I was a Baby Bi Person, piling into someone’s car and trundling off to Nearest Actual City to go dancing was what I did with friends in order to find a place that was designed with gender and sexual minorities in mind.
My heart hurts for everyone who has a beloved human who isn’t coming home again.
Thanks for posting. I’m surprised there isn’t more written here, actually, because the first place I wanted to be to make sense of this was among Toasties (I know there’s also Twitter and slack and Reddit tho, so fair enough). I’m so sad, yet sort of jaded. Watching Obama’s address made me cry, but when I saw the initial body count this morning, I thought 20-something. Hm. How horrible. And sort of emotionally moved on because I just could not dwell on it. How garbage is that?? And then when it came out that there were many, many more people, it sunk in. I hate that mentally, I’ve gotten to this point of flirting with being unimpressed at mass murders based on numbers. Intellectually, I’m beyond disgusted, beyond even being able to put the feeling of revulsion into words at the NRA, at lawmakers, at lobbyists, at voters and ignorant people fighting to keep guns in hands. But at this point, I also feel like shutting down emotionally, which isn’t productive, but I still feel like that if 20 dead babies in Sandy hook didn’t do it, what will? I’m a member of anti-gun groups, and I make calls to senators to attend vigils and support gun control but it feels futile. I don’t want to quit, but it sure feels useless. As a bisexual woman who still isn’t out to her family (I’m sure they know), it feels even sadder that these innocent people who were enjoying their time out, literally and figuratively, together were mown down, and I feel like if I cry any more while thinking about this, I won’t stop.
Blarg. I’m grateful the toast is still here for so many reasons and if you made it through that word soup, you’re a star. Thanks for providing love and comfort, Toasties.
Update on my dad in the reply.
Thank you to everyone who had advice earlier in the week when my dad fell down the stairs.
He is out of the hospital and has a back brace to wear for 3-4 months (!) while the cracked vertebra heals. His broken arm (the dominant one, of course) is in a cast that will probably come off in 6-8 weeks. Even though he left a divot the size of Iceland (my Mom’s words) in the wall at the bottom of the stairs, he did not end up having a concussion.
The doctors are pretty sure that his passing out is not directly related to his kidney thing. It turns out that he and my mom had both been sick with the latest bug that my niece/nephew had brought home from school, and that as a result Dad hadn’t been eating, so he was dehydrated and weak from that, leading to the passing out episode. It would have been no big deal if he hadn’t had the bad luck to be standing at the top of a flight of stairs when he blacked out. So that’s a relief.
My siblings and I still need to talk to him about the will/advance directive/medical power of attorney stuff, but I’m feeling not nearly as panicked as I was earlier in the week.
(I’m going to miss this place.)
Glad it’s not as bad as it could be, and I hope he heals quickly.
Better news than you’d feared, which is a good thing. I hope the subsequent conversations go well.
I'm so late to this Open Thread! But I had a similar experience when I was in my early 20s after being a pretty devoted Catholic prior to that. Similarly to you, I was exploring, came across a description of Paganism and it just seemed to click.
Drawing Down the Moon is an excellent starting point. I also very much liked Scott Cunningham's Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner when I was starting out. Even if your first experiences are with public groups that aren't specifically Wiccan, many Pagan groups follow the basic ritual framework he talks about. For a non-Wiccan perspective, Starhawk's "The Spiral Dance" is a classic. Get the 30th anniversary edition, though. There's some strict male/female binary stuff in the main body of the text and she goes into detail in the later editions about how her thoughts have changed on that, along with other things. And I also very much like T. Thorn Coyle's work.
Most decent-sized cities have more than one active group. And most of those groups do public rituals at least sometimes. It's a good way to go and see if you click with the philosophy and beliefs of that branch of Paganism and with the people in that particular group. Many of the books recommended in the replies have exercises you can do on your own if you have trouble finding a group to do ritual with — or even if you do, it can be nice to have a mix of solitary and group practice. The Witches' Voice (http://www.witchvox.com/ I don't know how to HTML!) can be a good place to find groups and shops and public rituals and events. Enjoy your explorations!
I've only been to Yellowstone once, but it's one of my favorite places in the world and if I didn't live on the other side of the country, I'd want to go there all the time. The guide book we used was "Yellowstone Treasures," by Janet Chapple. She grew up in Montana and her parents were musicians at one of the Yellowstone inns when she was a child so she knows the park intimately. Her best advice was to walk the trails. We were continuously amazed that we could be at a busy tourist attraction and walk 5-10 minutes on a trail and be completely by ourselves. It was amazing.
Also! Ranger talks are almost always worth it. The park rangers are usually experts in something (wildlife, geology, history, etc) and they regularly give talks around the part on all kinds of things. I always find that they enhance my enjoyment and understanding of the park I'm visiting.
And finally, you're gonna see more buffalo than you ever thought possible. The first time you see one, you'll stop in your tracks and be amazed. And then you'll turn another corner and see them again, and again … and again! So don't feel like you have to stop for every buffalo you see, especially if you're on your way somewhere else, because you're definitely gonna see more! Have fun!!
This was great, thank you!
Thanks! For the welcome & the info! I'm looking forward to learning more, and I've been lurking on the toowitches channel on the the Toastie Slack.