Cocktail Hour: Open Thread

by The Bartender · June 17, 2016

The dish you see was advertised as a salad. Correctly. What joy are you looking forward to this weekend, dear Toasties?!

The Bartender knows toast.

1,461 Comments

  1. JGlows +10

    WNY Toasties! Reminder for the meetup in Rochester next Friday at Butapub at 7:30pm! Hope to see you there!!

    1. viviennestreet +35

      I’d assumed the laws of space and time had broken down. This is reassuring.

  3. sausagedog +49

    Ooh, early open thread! I’m looking forward to sleeping in this weekend, maybe cooking something nice, maybe going out for sake slushies.

    Here’s a couple other positive things for a kinda highly negative week:
    (1) I finished my Toastie mix CD! Testing it out in the car on my commute today. I don’t like to brag, but the person getting this CD is in for a real treat. I’ll try to get it out this weekend, anonymous swap partner!!

    (2) I moved to a sublet for summer, and it’s right around the corner from a real donut shop, none of this sweetened styrofoam Dunkin silliness that covers New England like a weed. So I got a dozen donuts for my work this morning. The shop is incredible, pure Americana. Three police cars were parked there when I arrived, the place was completely packed with people who were obviously regulars, and I was the youngest person there by a couple decades. The donuts, of course, are incredible, although I regret getting swept up in the scene and getting milk and sugar in my coffee.

    (3) Tea tree oil, you guys. I’m not going to claim causation here, but sublet water has been breaking me out and tea tree oil has been calming my face back down. I used to use it on my piercings so I knew that it doesn’t irritate my skin– I just dab some on my face post-shower and it makes things clear up quickly (not instantly). Plus the way it smells is so reminiscent of calm things for me: yoga studios, my brother’s apartment in Tokyo, cleanliness…

    How are you all doing? What’s good with you?

    1. cruelshy +8

      I’ve been astringing my face non stop. I got an alcohol free witch hazel and aloe concoction and it is so soothing, especially since it has been so hot.

      1. sausagedog +5

        I’m considering getting some witch hazel. My SO has started using it after he shaves and his skin has been straight up glowing.

        1. annabel +3

          Witch hazel is the best! I have been using it as an astringent for years and it makes my face feel great. For some reason it has gotten superexpensive though. It used to cost the same as a bottle of rubbing alcohol or peroxide, now it is twice that if not more!!

        2. diaryofamadeditor

          Ditto! I asked a friend with the most stunning skin ever what she does. Honestly, her skin without makeup or anything just looks like it’s dusted with pearl powder the the lipstick marks of angels. And she just said, “Witch Hazel & Kiehl’s” This is good-skin gospel.

    2. ArsenioB_Ham +8

      Proper donut shop donuts are one of my very favorite things in life and I regret every day that you cannot get them (that I can find) in D.C. Are you in MA? I will send you a list of all my favorite donut places there if so.

      1. sausagedog +3

        I am in MA! But, in an ironic twist, I’m moving to DC in two months :S I’d love your list of donuts, though, maybe I can do a pilgrimage before I leave.

        1. ArsenioB_Ham +6

          My favorite is Donna’s Donuts in Tewksbury, MA.

          Other excellent choices:

          Donut Man in Hadley, MA (out near UMass Amherst)
          Kane’s Donuts in Saugus, MA.
          Linda’s Donuts in Belmont, MA.

          A lot of people will tell you to go to Union Square Donuts. They are one of those sort of hipster-y, “why SHOULDN’T a donut have Captain Crunch sprinkled on top?” kind of places. I don’t really take issue with that attitude, but the thing is if you do that, you still gotta have a solid, tasty donut base to pull that stuff off (Blue Star Donuts in Portland, OR manages this perfectly). I don’t think the donuts themselves are that good at Union Sq. Donuts, but YMMV!

          (Yes, I definitely spend too much time thinking about donuts.)

          2. sausagedog +1

            I hear you on Union Square Donuts, I live nearby but rarely go because of lines. I had a really good bourbon donut there, but if I’m bringing donuts into work I don’t want them to be $3 each or so messy that you need a fork and knife to tackle them.

            Maybe I’ll check out Linda’s this weekend, I’ll be in Watertown anyways! Thanks for the recs!

          3. Battle_Swine +2

            Donna’s Donuts is like 10 minutes from my house sooooo I know what I’ll be doing this weekend!

            (I’ve never been much of a donut person, perhaps because I’ve only really had Dunkin-type ones before. Maybe this will fix it?)

          4. ArsenioB_Ham +2

            The donuts are fresh and flavorful at Donna’s, everything Dunkin’s are not.

          5. effableobject +1

            I like Kane’s, but I found Linda’s super disappointing (compared to Ohlin’s, at least, which was my go-to donut shop before it exploded).

            Also, totally agreed about Union Square Donuts.

    3. bundtpan +32

      Ahem. Please do tell me more about this donut shop. (I was planning a donut road trip across the country with my ex before we broke up, and now must take that journey alone. But are we really alone with fried dough in the passenger seat? I think not.)

      1. sausagedog +13

        It’s called Demet’s Donuts, it’s just off I-93 in the Boston area. I also want to throw my support behind you taking a solo donut road trip because that sounds absolutely amazing.

        1. bundtpan +5

          It’s going on the list! Luckily I live in the Boston area and can go THIS WEEKEND if I want to.

          And thank you, I am very excited. Very, very excited. Also, I used to live in DC and can recommend some donut places around town that aren’t Dunkin.

          1. ArsenioB_Ham +2

            I’m listening! So far the only place I’ve found with what I consider normal donuts is Heller’s.

          2. bundtpan +2

            To be fair, some of these places (okay, most of them) are the hipstery ones with cereal on them and the pickins are SLIM down there, but I judge a dough shack by the quality of their classic glazed, and these all hit the mark for me. (But Heller’s is A+ yes good great.)

            Sugar Shack in Alexandria (granted, not in DC proper, but close enough for a journey.)
            202 Donuts & Coffee in Bethesda (also not in DC proper, but basically.)
            I like District Doughnut if you really want the sugar bombs (they have a fluffernutter one that, frankly, I still dream about.)
            Astro is fine, but I only ate them when someone brought them into the office.

            Really, you could just go to Heller’s and be juuuuuust fine.

          3. ArsenioB_Ham +1

            Oh yeah u wasn’t even thinking about Sugar Shack (since they aren’t in DC proper, maybe?) but they are definitely the best around. Worth the 45-minute drive.

      2. LadyBertilak +3

        WELL on the extremely off chance you end up in Lorain OH on your cross country doughnut trip let me recommend Keidrowski’s (Paczkis TOTALLY count as doughnuts)

    4. Tarragoner +10

      A sake slushie sounds devine. I think I should open a food truck that sells these.

      1. sausagedog +3

        Here’s the menu at the place I get mine. The sake jelly is also kind of amazing, although peach isn’t my favorite flavor.

        2. damskdrednwhite +1

          Thank you so much for bringing this so my attention, I have a new destination when I’m back in Boston this fall

          1. sausagedog +1

            I wholeheartedly recommend it! It’s a little hidden, so it’s not crowded the way Harvard Square restaurants are always crowded. The food is great, too– love the Sichuan pepper caramel popcorn and the veggie skewers. Lots of solid drinking snacks.

    5. permanentteal +30

      I dyed my hair for the first time! It’s purple and majestic. Two people have already compared me to a My Little Pony.
      My birthday is tomorrow, and I am doing an Escape the Room with my friends.
      (If my friends read this they know who I am now…)

      1. tppnceberesford +19

        ooh i just dyed my hair purple last week! My best friend called me A SEA WITCH, because she is my best friend and understands me so well.

      2. HelloChel +5

        I’ve always wanted to dye my hair purple! I’ve settled for red for office appropriateness but I bet it looks great. Have fun at Escape the Room and Happy Birthday!

      3. ann_surely +13

        Oh, your hair sounds amazing. I wish I worked in a less-conservative office and could get away with some candy-colored hair.

        Plus my three-year-old is a brony and I would be his hero if I had Rainbow Dash hair.

    6. Theo_Winterwood +12

      I’m working on my CD and am really hoping the person I’m sending it to doesn’t hate my weird quasi-Southern-Gothic-folk mix.

      And those donuts sound amaaazing.

      1. sausagedog +4

        Pretty sure you’re not my swap partner but quasi-Southern Gothic sounds amazing. Good for sweltering summer nights and making biscuits and collards, right?

      3. steampunk sparrow +3

        Now I’m really sad I didn’t sign up for the CD swap, because that sounds AMAZING. I could use some new music–recs?

      4. Thujaplicata +1

        If you happen to be sending it to me I’m super on board with the sound of that mix!

    7. suzynjackson +17

      My husband makes a “skin oil” concoction with E, Tea Tree, Lavender, and a few other oils, and we spray it on everything. I think the tea tree inhibits infections… *someone* (trying to be vague so as not to embarrass anyone) has a spot that had been getting chronically infected, and since we started a bedtime ritual of a spritz of “skin oil” we haven’t needed the anti-biotic cream the doc gave us – yay!

      Ok, so what’s good with me? My kid finished his SECOND BOOK. First was 2100+ words, this one is a whopping 4500+ words. I helped him edit it, and I did the layout, and we printed up a dozen copies to hand out at school. He wants to grow up to be a pilot who writes book like Mark VanHoenacker and I’m so proud I could plutz.

      1. sausagedog +4

        Aw that’s so awesome of your son! With the pace of his word count, maybe in a couple years he could do NaNoWriMo 🙂

          1. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

            Your kid is awesome! They have NNWM for kids, I think? With, like, smaller goals and you still get swag?

    8. Apfelmoose +21

      This week I got over my twin fears of Asking For Help and also Owning Furniture I Cannot Move Myself Singlehandedly and scored an amazing secondhand IKEA kitchen for 50 euro. My friends helped me get it all down, into a van, and into my apartment. It’s in pristine condition and probably cost 2 grand new.

      Because I am a muppet, we forgot two cupboards and by the time we went back to get them, the caretaker had driven them off to the rubbish dump. But I still have enough for a fully fitted kitchen with white high gloss doors, dark wood laminate worktops, overhead cupboards, underhead drawers and cupboards, two wine racks, a shelf with a light in it, another light for the worktop, and those fancy stainless steel legs that let you lose things under the cupboards.

      For comparison, my current kitchen is literally a trash kitchen comprising two wooden shoe shelves I found on the street, a heavy-duty plastic shelf I found on the street, and the shelves that were here when I moved in.

      1. spring chickens +2

        sweet! and I bet IKEA has a way for you to buy replacement cupboards if you want them.

    9. ectocool +1

      Have you ever been to Honey Dew Donuts? Dunkin’s is New England’s pride and all, but Honey Dew is the TRUE local donut chain.

    10. femaelstrom +15

      This week’s been rough mainly because my anxiety is BONKERS for no good reason, but –

      1. A solid 10 days after they said they would make an admissions decision, I was accepted into my dream grad program – it looks like as of this fall, I’ll be on the road to getting my Master’s in Marital and Family Therapy! It’s going to mean a lot more student debt and maybe I’ll regret this in two years, but I’m so psyched that I even got in.

      2. My friend’s stepmom got us two tickets to this fancy fundraiser party on the waterfront. 3 hours of free fancy food and booze outside in the gorgeous weather, 3 hours of pretending to blend in with rich people. Delightful.

      3. I thought I had missed an important deadline (filing my friends’ marriage certificate; I officiated their wedding last month). Well, actually I DID miss an important deadline, but I called the office in a panic and they were like “oh it’s actually no big deal, just send it in whenever.” Wish I hadn’t lost a night’s sleep over it but hey.

      4. I got to see Flight of the Conchords last weekend and they were GREAT.

      5. I saw my psychiatrist this morning and she prescribed me a new anti-anxiety medication that I’m hoping will help out. Fingers crossed.

      1. VioletandIrises +3

        I saw FotC in 2007, right before the tv show was coming out. They were great. And now there’s a big poster I walk by in the subway all the time advertising a show of theirs in a month, and it’s tempting, but I’m wondering whether any of the material will actually be that different.

    11. Thujaplicata +5

      I sent out my Toastie mix CD yesterday! I hope my person likes very eccentric mixes of Eurovision songs, Scandinavian metal, and ridiculous pop. They did ask for good car rocking out tunes…

    12. kitwings +12

      My Best Thing this week is that my black raspberry bush is finally established enough to produce a reasonable quantity of fruit. So far I have 2.5lbs and suspect in the end I may have enough for a Jam Experiment. EXCITE

  4. cruelshy +117

    So this weekend is literally viewings and funerals followed by vigils, and honestly, I don’t want to go to any of them. My friends are dead, and I’ve been having nightmares all week. I am so scared all the time now, and I am just glad my boss gave me sick leave to mentally recuperate from the Pulse shootings.

    And now on top of all of this my mom is trying to guilt trip me hard?? I know it’s a key part of her playbook: “Make any difficult situation all about myself so I feel like I have more control.” BUt like, I am old enough to know all the rules and I definitely can play this game.

    Anyway, post cute memes and cat pictures because I can’t deal with seeing my friends’ faces on facebook, tumblr, the news, CNN etcccc

    1. foxinthe_snow +55

      I’m so sorry and I’m sending you all the love and support to get through this weekend

      1. cruelshy +26

        Last time I tried to talk to her she said that I was on the road to shooting up and bombing churches ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    6. snowqueene +35

      I’m so sorry for what happened to your friends and for your mother’s inability to do love correctly. Sending you all the toast witch love.

    9. iosognodisonno +28

      I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how much harder dealing with grief must be when your pain is part of a larger news story.

      I hope the people around you are supportive and help you get through it all and that you’re able to start feeling safe again soon.

      I’ve never successfully managed to load a picture here, but here’s a link to a pic of my very sweet dog that would be quick to give you love and kisses were you in her presence right now. https://twitter.com/atxcopywriter/status/73410503…

    12. thebellewitch +19

      I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Please take care of yourself and know that so many of us are holding you in our hearts.

    13. OliviaPJones +14

      Oh, I am so very sorry. It is too easy to be thoughtless about those who are grieving the hardest at times like these. I hope you have some space for what you need.

    15. PomoFrannyGlass +41

      I am so sorry. We love and support you. Here is a picture of a guinea pig wearing a too-large hat:

    16. happysadcat +17

      I just can’t imagine how you are feeling. So very many condolences and, if hugs are welcome from a strong little round lady, here they are. I’m told my hugs are mighty and super-charged with love.

    19. whollyword +11

      I’m so sorry for your loss and pain, cruelshy. And I am really crabby with your mom for making it worse.

      Offering you what fortitude I can spare.

    21. PettyVengeanceFetish +4

      I’m so sorry for your loss and that you have to go through everything you’re going through right now. It is totally ok if you don’t want to talk to your mom right now, it’s important that you take care of yourself *internet hugs if you want them*

    22. Impractical_Cat +4

      I am so sorry, it’s heartbreaking that anyone should have to experience so much loss and grief in such awful circumstances. Idk how to post pics but massive hugs for you xxx

    23. lemonadefish +4

      Sending you love. I’m so sorry for the losses of your friends and of your safety.

    24. danceintrees +6

      If it helps, I would like to let you know that I just volunteered at a burlesque show at the biggest gay bar in Seattle (which also survived attempted arson last year) whose purpose is to raise money for various queer charities, and at this show there was a) a successful queer marriage proposal from the stage (I happy cried), b) an unbelievably spectacular and charming drag king boi band (https://www.facebook.com/infinitedirectionskings, if you’d like to see their adorable faces) group performance of “Be True To Your Heart” that absolutely brought the house down (I shrieked like a 13-year-old), and c) the completion of the show consisting of pledges from all of the participants to not let hate and fear and bigotry keep us from living our lives as we choose, and to always choose love (I happy cried again). This was finished by asking the entire audience to join us for at least 49 seconds in holding someone’s hand, hugging someone, kissing them, or dancing with them, as our version of the vigils that have been held. (it went on for a good ten minutes.) (I happy cried again.) I hope it helps to know that your friends’ lives are being celebrated by the queer community, in addition to being mourned.

      I am terrible at doing images on this thing, so here is the instagram account of the world’s most adorable cat: https://www.instagram.com/smoothiethecat

  5. Dexteress +118

    I’m going to use this opportunity to put another plug in for a “Surprise me!” button on The Toast after new content stops publishing (if at all reasonable). I’d love to have a chance to peruse and rediscover random hidden gems I may have missed the first time around, or forgotten!

    1. geekcrackteam +13

      Or! Let someone take over the Toast twitter account and post something random each day/week?

      1. tashjansson +5

        OH YES RANDOM BUTTON PLEASE! I appreciate the “series” organization of certain content (l’ll read “if X were your Y” when I have a meh day), but I feel there’s a lot of sort of unclassifiable stuff that is spectacular and we could re-read till eternity.

    4. annabel +10

      I will also ask again if there will be a way to go back and read the whole site chronologically. I only started reading regularly last fall and would love to go back and start from the beginning.

  6. Es_Petal +37

    I am looking forward to a ‘bawdy stories storytelling evening’ on Saturday, by firelight in a replica Iron Age earthhouse.

  7. foxinthe_snow +80

    Hello Toastlets! I know this isn’t io9 but would anyone like to join me in a gif party?

    I’ll get us started with some gentle misandry:

      2. happysadcat +10

        HOLY CRAP what is that from?! My friend is a victim’s advocate attorney and she will love this.

    6. CleverManka +68

      I am a little sore over my recent breakup with Tom Hiddleston, so have a gif of some dancing men who are dead and cannot (further) disappointment me:

      2. Poppy +8

        Was it on the Toast that someone pointed out the real love story of Singin’ In the Rain was these two? Could watch them forever.

      3. MissBadcrumble +6

        I was wondering how you, Queen of the Hiddlegifs, would recieve that upsetting piece of news!
        An actual H-gif would be equal parts meta and heartbreaking.

          1. MissBadcrumble +1

            Yeah, too sad/weird!
            You’ve found a great replacement there, though <3
            (Broadchurch?)

        2. bignorseblog +2

          …what upsetting news? Assume I’ve been living in a cave in Tierra del Fuego and my Twitter circles are mostle cut-rate comedians (one of these is true).

          1. MissBadcrumble +8

            Tom Hiddleston is Taylor Swift’s new Starbucks lover! Comically staged pictures of them snogging on some photogenic rocks by the sea! Hiddleswift! Tom-Tay! Swiddleston! Taytay Tomtom Swiftelston-Hiddlift! Et cetera!

          2. bignorseblog +6

            Ew. Okay, that is pretty damn weird. Have to admit I’m a bit relieved, though — I thought for a moment he’d done or said something objectively terrible.

            ROFL on the Portmanteaus! I fear the people’s choice will be Swiddleston…but then at least I can pretend it’s with Tilda Swinton.

          3. MissBadcrumble +4

            Considering he is the internet’s boyfriend I have been expecting quite the reaction, like Hiddlestoners rioting in the streets or something. But so far…nothing? I think? I could be wrong. I’m probably wrong, I haven’t checked Twitter.

            For their portmanteau, I would love to not go for the usual combination of first part + last part of their names.
            Combining last part with last part, or first part with first part, results in such beauty as STON-IFT, STONFT, SWIHIDDLES or HID-SWI. HIDFT os also quite ok.

    11. MissBadcrumble +6

      Just Matt Bomer and Stephen Colbert sharing an intimate cupcake-dance moment.

      (I’m so happy that I just learned to add gifs, that I keep commenting 20 hours after the thread was fresh. Yaaaayyyy!!)

  8. Cake_4_All +142

    My cousin asked me to be godmother to his daughter who is due in about a month. I cried THE WHOLE DAY. I’m the youngest in my family so I never get chosen or included in anything important or adultish (I’m almost 30!!) so this means so much to me. The baby is going to have our family name, which is the name I was given too so it’s all just so overwhelming and exciting and I can’t stop telling people. AHHH! Oh, and this is the first baby for my generation of cousins so it’s extra emotional. TOO MANY EMOTIONS!

  9. catweazlol +51

    I got my very first pair of glasses yesterday and I am wearing them now and everything is weird. Is it normal to feel disoriented the first few days? Maybe even a little headachey? I can definitely see better but it is a very new sensation.

    1. mariahnotmaria +27

      Absolutely! I’ve been wearing glasses since first grade and I still always need a few days or maybe a week to adjust to new glasses. Your eyes are retraining themselves. Soon everything will be clear and delightful 🙂

    2. cruelshy +13

      Wait and see. I get those same feelings whenever I get a new prescription. If the headache-y feelings don’t go away, you probably got too strong of a prescription.

    3. annecara +9

      Oh yeah, absolutely. Things will go back to normal soon enough, except even better, because you’ll be able to see!

    4. aitch_ess +15

      My not-a-doctor opinion is that this is normal as long as it goes away in a week or two. Even as a lifelong glasses-wearer I usually have an adjustment period with a new pair, including those with identical prescriptions. I suspect the main culprit is the focal point of the lenses is slightly different from one pair to another. There’s also a chance that your prescription is too strong for you so if you find wearing glasses for an extended period continues to cause issues ask for a follow-up with your optometrist. Over-correction can be as bad for your long-term visual health as not having it corrected.

    5. Dangerfield5 +15

      Absolutely normal. I usually feel a little drunk for the first few days of new glasses.

      1. catweazlol +11

        I did some very drunk-seeming stumbling on my way home from the eye doctor yesterday. I also weirdly feel shorter. Maybe because thing looks a little shrunken through the glasses?

        1. steelyglints +6

          I always feel weirdly taller! I think they just mess with you perception a little at first.

          1. bird_internet +10

            I always feel like the ground is way closer than it should be. Like I look down and my feet are right there.

        2. geekcrackteam +6

          When I got my first prescription sun glasses my feet felt weirdly far away. You get used to it

          Also it just takes away to get used to how a new pair of glasses sit on your face. Some pairs I find insanely annoying and just can’t wear them, and then other pairs I’ll forget I have them on!

    6. emmysuhweeks +1

      Yes! Headaches are common, and when I was a full time glasses wearer (I’m more contacts now), I’d have trouble with maybe depth perception or dizziness for the first day or two as my eyes adjusted. Usually after a day or two, you’re fine.

      Good luck!

    7. HelloChel +12

      Very normal. I have nearly face planted stepping off a curb when wearing new glasses. I will suggest that if your headache seems oddly located behind your ears you may want them to adjust the frames a tad looser. It took an embarrassingly long time for me to figure that out the last time I got new glasses since it had never happened before. I thought they had messed up the lenses.

    8. spring chickens +19

      oh, yes. As everyone has said. Just be careful on stairs! Your depth perception might be temporarily a little whack too.

      My mother taught me to look at the leaves on trees every time I got a new prescription, because suddenly you can see them in perfect definition again, and often (as a child) I had forgotten what that looked like — such a rush of joy! So I recommend doing that too 🙂

    9. brujaja +9

      I just got my first pair of glasses about a month ago and am surprised at how natural wearing them feels now. I had an adjustment period of about a week before I really accepted that seeing through them felt natural.

      It still surprises me to catch a reflection and see my face with glasses! The glasses still feel a bit novel to me- but the only people who have really mentioned how they look are the same people I asked for style advice when selecting the frames! Including former housemates who saw me nearly everyday- they didn’t notice I’d taken up glasses!

      Which I suppose just goes to prove that no one is ever really half as critical/aware of our appearance as we think they might be.

      1. katerkins +4

        I recently got new glasses and hardly anyone mentioned it. I was kind of bummed at first (these people see me everyday!) but I’ve since decided that it’s because they go with my face so well no one noticed

    10. catmanscrothers +2

      most of the time, yes! Especially if they’re your first pair, but even for seasoned glasses-wearers, it takes a few days to adjust. I’d say if it takes more than 3-4 days or if your headaches get worse, go back and make sure nothing’s wrong. Once my lenses got flipped (put the right RX on the left side and vice versa) and it was just h o r r i b l e

    11. bethcorriveau +4

      I got glasses in the second grade and ran into things/fell over a lot for a good solid week because my screwy different-in-each-eye prescription meant I had basically zero depth perception without glasses. It’s never been quite that bad since, but every new pair of glasses means a couple days of weirdness while I adjust.

    12. LadyBertilak +3

      No it defenitly is! I’ve been wearing glasses since I was 9 and I still feel like that when I get a new prescription (sorry for the mispelling intense debate is not letting me spellcheck and I honestly cannot spell that word to save my life)

    13. bookwormV +1

      Yes, definitely normal – whenever I get lenses with a new prescription everythng feels very odd at first. You should adjust (if not, though, go back and talk to the optician).

  10. aitch_ess +21

    Toss your “looking for a new job while at current job” and general resume-building, job-searching advice at me! I’m ready to move on and want to leave my current job in as good of a place as possible and not spend a bunch of time dwelling on all the problems as I look for a good fit elsewhere.
    Possibly pertinent info: this is the only real full-time job I’ve had (three years, I’m 28 with a master’s), I currently work at a non-profit but am open to moving to a corporate position, and I have a special interest in getting a job in one of the larger cities an hour to the north or the south of me that I could primarily do from home with a day at the physical office once a week or so.

    1. annecara +14

      If you haven’t checked out Ask a Manager, do so! The advice there was an invaluable help to me during my last job search.

    2. geekcrackteam +6

      Start calling/emailing recruiters! See if you can find any that are specific to where you want to work or the field your interested in, they do a lot of the heavy lifting for you and generally make it so much easier than spending 1+ hour filling out a stupid online form for each job.

      1. aitch_ess +6

        I have the general impression (maybe from tv?) that recruiters are more for corporate executive type positions. If I’m interested in a company should I contact a recruiter even if I’m not a $200k+ executive officer?

        1. geekcrackteam +5

          At last where I am, once you have some experience recruiters will be interested, even if you’re changing careers.

          They don’t do straight out university/first jobs, but I’m looking for my second job after uni now and they’re all interested.

          I think what you’re thinking of is headhunters, they’re the ones that seek people out for high level executive jobs. Recruiter’s are just middle men between job seekers and companies looking for people, at least in my industry, other industries might have other norms like academia and public sector, but I think that most private sector corporate places use recruiters a lot of the time, so if that’s what your looking for the you should at least try a recruitment agency!

    3. PaigePoo +10

      Seconding Ask a Manager! There’s a wealth of knowledge and advice there, with some crazy horror stories mixed in to help you keep things in perspective.

      I’m currently waiting to hear if I’ve moved to the second round of interviews for a job that I would be a good fit for, and that I would enjoy a LOT more than my current job. The waiting period is awful, and even the least likely prospect of a new job has me hating my current job.

      During this process, keep in mind that you are currently in the best position a job searcher could be in. You’re already decently employed, so apply only to jobs that get you excited and will elevate your career. Do not settle. Don’t apply to jobs that are “meh” just because you want to get out. If you don’t get jobs that you’ve applied for – whatever! You still have a job! And if you do get job offers, even better! You can leave your current job on good terms and you’re on to bigger and better things.

    4. allanaaa +5

      Amending PaigePoo’s advice: you should be super excited that you’re in a great position to be bold and uncompromising about organizational culture, salary and benefits, and etc., but also remember that when you start handing over references you might be in the same position I was in, i.e. not wanting your current employers to know you’re looking and therefore handing out older and less impressive contacts.

      If you have a good relationship with the current workplace and can find someone (even a colleague, if not a supervisor) to be a reference, great. If not, bummer. You’ll still make it work!

      “Dwelling on the problems” makes it sound like maybe not so great a relationship, so you’ll want to tamp down on that during the “Why did you leave / are you leaving your last position?” part of the interview. “More opportunities for promotion / I want more responsibility” are good answers – they’ll buy that for non-profits, because those are generally tiny shops with lifers in the more administrative roles. But flesh out that answer more and be ready with an example or two of where your ambitions (especially in the realm of, say, changing with the times) outstripped their habits – examples that make you sound cool and forward-thinking but don’t make them sound bad.

      My personal experience is that non-profits are better than corporate. Unionized jobs are the best of all. Good luck!

  11. theburnersmydestination +35

    I just read Jeanette Winterson’s “Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit” and I am in love! I just ordered her memoirs (“Why Be Happy When You Can Be Normal”) and I cannot wait for them to come in! The first book of her’s I read was “Written on the Body” for a college class, and even though it was a wonderful book it didn’t quite resonate with us (I think it’s hard for 18 year olds to sympathize with that kind of nostalgia for an old love, cause at 18 you haven’t lived long enough to experience it). I really wish we had read Oranges instead (especially since we read An Experiment in Love, which has some interesting parallels), I think it would have been a better choice for class.

    1. adoptraya +11

      Oooo, I loved Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit. Isn’t Winterson an amazing writer? I love getting caught up in the craft of her novels.

      My favorite Winterson novel is The Passion. It’s about a soldier in the Napoleonic army and the Venetian female gondolier that he meets. It’s SO GOOD.

      1. theburnersmydestination +6

        I’ll have to check that out! I am always a little hesitant to dive into author’s less-known works, because sometimes there is a good reason why it isn’t that popular, but Winterson seems like someone who puts out pretty consistently good stuff. And I love what I have read so far! I am a sucker for books filled with references (hence why Experiment is one of my favorites) and allusions, and she weaves them in so well!

        2. okaysellers +1

          ahhh have you read the stone gods? one of my fav books of all time. i agree with wee_ramekin and pierrepoutine that the passion is super good too.

    2. betsymore +3

      I had a very similar experience – read Written on the Body for an English class in college, liked it but didn’t quite get it, and then loved Oranges. Enjoy the memoir!!

    3. _bartleby +3

      I loved Oranges! I recently read Mary Karr’s Lit, which absolutely gutted me in a similar way.

      1. spring chickens +1

        Yes! I don’t know why Mary Karr isn’t better known! Or maybe she is, but I hadn’t even heard of her until I was, like, 36.

    4. MissBadcrumble +4

      “Lighthousekeeping” is great! It has the most beautiful love scene I have ever read. And also the opening lines are amazing.

    5. sfbeee +2

      oranges!!! the first queer novel that ever ~spoke~ to me. this was heightened because my first True Love [or so it seemed] loaned me their very own copy. swoon.

  12. LacaunaKale +70

    After hitting emotional rock bottom early in the week, I’m taking care of myself. Going to try an go to Pride tomorrow. Definitely getting an ice cream and walking on the beach at some point.

  13. Crivens +22

    My bestie is visiting for the weekend and I an GEEKED! Much wine and all the desserts!

  14. therealadri +22

    NYC toasties, I have a real-talk question: can I live in NYC if I find an okay job or do I need to be a millionaire? I am a theatre person so it seems like the best place for me (though I will be getting a day job because I’m not THAT level of theatre person) but I’m trying to figure out if it’s feasible, or if it’s going to be extremely difficult and I should find another city with a good theatre scene. All opinions very welcome!! It is a tough decision.

    1. Fluffernutter +24

      You can totally live here with an okay job! You’re willingness to have roommates is a big factor in that, but a lot of NY theater community people live together. It’s a great way to cut down costs and get more space.

      The pay scale here is MUCH higher than that of smaller cities to offset the cost of living. My first job here paid literally 2x as much as my job back home. It all evened out for me, and I’ve been here for 6 years now. You can do it! (And the theater scene here is just SO SO GREAT.)

        1. Fluffernutter +9

          Of course! Just to clarify, I have an office job so that’s the perspective I wrote that from. I know service industry workers who earn tips also tend to do quite well, but retail workers get the crap end of the stick most of the time. Living in one of the boroughs outside of Manhattan, or even Jersey, will also make things more affordable. But if you really want to make NY happen, it can be done! Let me know if you have questions!

          1. therealadri +7

            Oh, office work is all I’ve ever done, so I’m planning on that.

            My other question would be where in the city would be the most affordable!

          2. GoatlessSon +7

            I can’t really speak to that, but I have a friend who lives with two roommates (all work in various parts of theater – lighting, acting (with bartending side job), and stage management) and they live in Bed-Stuy in Brooklyn. Their place isn’t bad, they have a nice little living area, an actual kitchen, and their own bedrooms (though they are small, of course!)

            They seem to manage just fine with their theater pay!

          3. therealadri +4

            Oh, that’s cool. I wasn’t sure if all of Brooklyn should be avoided because I’ve heard parts of it are so expensive!

          4. Fluffernutter +13

            Bed-Stuy is affordable but gentrifying, so the rents there have been on the rise. Same for Crown Heights, Sunset Park, etc. Ditmas Park in Brooklyn is still affordable. I think Queens is a good bet (Sunnyside, Astoria, Long Island City) – very family-friendly and quiet. If you want to live in Manhattan, I have friends in Inwood and Washington Heights that swear by them (but I’ve never been to those neighborhoods, so can’t personally vouch). You can find some oddly affordable places on the Upper East Side, especially if you’re willing to live 15-20 minutes walking distance from the subway.

            Web sites I like for apartment hunting are StreetEasy (mix of fee and no-fee apts) and NYBits (all no-fee, by owner rentals). Padmapper can be good, but some of the postings there seem scammy. You can also sign-up for Stephanie’s List and get a weekly email with apartments for rent, people looking for roommates/ subletters, etc. It’s geared towards the creative community. There are also a lot of Facebook groups for specific neighborhoods and theater people that post apartment and job opportunities.

            If there’s any way for you to visit NY before you move here, it’s a great idea to visit the neighborhoods you’re interested in and just walk around. One block to the next here can feel completely different, it’s kind of crazy.

          6. amardine +5

            Fluffernutter gave great advice all around, so I want to second all of it! I’ve found NY highly live-able with okay jobs, but it definitely does balance on how many roommates you’re willing to live with (and a little bit of luck, tbh).

            I highly highly recommend Listings Project (same as Stephanie’s List). There are so many listings for rooms available in Brooklyn, especially around Crown Heights/Clinton Hill/Bed-Stuy (where I am personally looking come this fall!).

            Good luck!

          8. diaryofamadeditor +9

            I’m a native NYer & have lived all over the place. I’ve been in Ditmas Park for 6 years & it’s very affordable–much cheaper than what I paid in various Boston neighborhoods during college. It’s also so beautiful, nice, homey, safe (saving to buy property here, actually). The median household income in NYC is only $50K. So most of us are making it work on that.

            Also: RENT IS NEGOTIABLE. Don’t forget that. Always, always, always negotiate your rent.

          9. sfbeee +1

            i just found an apartment in crown heights using streeteasy, for what it’s [belatedly] worth!

    2. colleentie +13

      it’s v feasible to live here with a “regular” job (like 9-5) and with an hourly job (I’ve done both, many many people do), but it can be v hard if you are making not so much money. Like, unless you actually making upwards of 50-60k, your commute will most likely be it’s v feasible to live here with a “regular” job (like 9-5) and with an hourly job (I’ve done both, many many people do), but it can be v hard if you are making not so much money. Like, unless you actually making upwards of 50-60k, your commute will most likely be 45m-an hour, you will probably live with three other people, your apt will be dark/old/full of bugs/have a terrible landlord/any combo of that. Idk how to really answer this question bc I’ve been here since I was 18, so I have no idea how nice it is to live anywhere else as an adult, but it is an adjustment, and a lot of people don’t like it. And I think that’s fine, I think living here is wonderful in so many way, but in others it’s really really horrible. Basically, do you have a high tolerance for being uncomfortable/dealing with other people? That’s probably the most important thing haha

      Save up at least 3 months in rent, actually just save up as much money as possible, cook at home as much as you can, go out and experience things but realize lots of it is optional (there is so much to do sometimes it feels like sitting inside and watching netflix to recoup is betraying living here, but if you need time to yourself, take it), and that you will be limited by your money (you will also probably be surround by ppl who are also “struggling” but have monetary help from family, so you will not understand how they can like, go out every night for dinner and shop but still be pursuing theater/art/music etc. Just understand that when comparing yourselves to others). There’s tons and tons of free and cheap shit to do almost everyday (websites like theskint and time out always have fun stuff listed). I think it’s a super individual decision, I think its maybe even worth just trying out for a year if that is feasible for you. I know NOTHING about theater but there are so many people here doing theater that if you don’t have a community where you are now, that might be really wonderful to have.

      1. therealadri +5

        I’ve heard before that you’ll know within a year if it’s right for you, which sounds like a good plan.

      2. Mona +3

        I agree with this – I lived in NYC as a grad student in subsidizing housing making 30k a year with about $1000 rent for a room in a shared apartment but didn’t have any additional costs (commute, car, family). Once I was over 30 and had to find housing on the real market it was very difficult, we ended up in a place infested with bedbugs and had to bail. My studio I rented for a year was $1650/month, but that was 5 years ago and in Manhattan so you can find better deals if you move to the outer boroughs. Try to figure out realistic commute times, subways might be closed for Sandy related renovations and going east/west usually takes a lot longer than north/south. Don’t move to the Upper East Side. Look closely at your budget and see how the cost of living compares to where you are now. It is cheaper not to have a car, you will have to pay quite a bit for laundry, etc. Maybe try living on an adjusted to NYC budget for a month or two before you make a decision (may be useful to save up money in advance unless you already live somewhere pricey). The community might be worth all sacrifices but as the previous poster said: a lot of the people going out and drinking a lot either get money from other sources or run up a lot of debt – like my grad school friends did. Good luck!

    3. angrypedestrian +10

      I lived in NYC for a while taking home less than $20k a year working at Whole Foods. I did luck out in getting a room in a probably illegal apartment, which drastically reduced my living expenses, but if you’re savvy about where you live, it’s 1000% doable.

        1. angrypedestrian +18

          I do not advocate illegal apartments, as they are often more likely to collapse and/or catch on fire than even regular shitty apartments, but I didn’t really realize it was illegal until one point where my landlord took out our stove for a couple days and made us hide the gas hookup for an inspection. Because it was illegal!

    4. craneyourneck +7

      If you want to move there, go!

      Being in the city gave me enough adrenaline for the first year to live on a combination of secondhand books, park walks, and bagels. Creative jobs don’t pay a lot, but other things fall into place. You’ll find a way to make it work. There are great happy hours, and plenty of people to hang out with in your field. Plus, if your friends work in theater/dance/performance, they’ll help you get into their shows for free and you can help them get into yours. Stuff you’d never pick on your own that you might love. Good luck! Enjoy it!

    5. City_Dater +7

      It is absolutely feasible. If you are a Facebook-user, join the NYC Gypsy Housing group (before anyone throws a fit about the name: “gypsy” is old-school-theater for dancers/touring performers). People who need roommates or long-term subletters because they are going on the road post their places; it will give you some perspective about rents in affordable neighborhoods. And as a new-to-city-person, you might do well to try to live with other people who work in theater who can introduce you around and etc.

      People who move to New York with unrealistic expectations formed by television shows tend to hate it here and complain constantly. I work in theater and cannot imagine living anyplace else.

    6. wrestlethethistles +6

      Echoing doable! I have both lived in Manhattan with a bunch of roommates and lived in the North Bronx alone; I prefer the latter, but that is 100% a function of my temperament. Some people would rather the company and a shorter commute.

      And keep in mind that depending on your circumstances, you don’t necessarily have to commit to living here 100% forever! I moved here with the mindset of giving it a shot for a year or two and seeing how it went, and it went great and I am still here six years later. But even if I’d only stayed a couple, I saw some great shows and had some great experiences in that time.

    7. theviciouscircle1 +5

      I lived in NYC for four years. Full disclosure, I lived in a dorm room and did not pay rent. However, I still needed food and life things and the subway and to go to the theatre roughly once a week (ok, maybe that last one isn’t really a NEED) and I didn’t feel like it was impossible to get by on relatively little. I know lots of people who pay rent on normal okay jobs, not millionaire jobs. You can do it! Or at least give it a try
      And the theatre scene in NY is amazing, if you ever want to talk about new york theatre let me know.

    8. hummingrose +5

      My experience is a little out of date (I was there almost two decades ago), but chiming in to agree that it’s doable. I was lucky in that my cousin and her best friend needed a roommate right when I was beginning to think about moving, so I never had to search for a place, but I did theater while temping at a series of office jobs all over Manhattan and managed to make it work. I didn’t save anything, but I made ends meet. You can do it!

    9. therealadri +3

      Thank you so much to everyone who’s offered advice! It’s all so super helpful. People keep acting like I’m crazy when I say I’m considering a move to NYC, so it’s nice to hear from people who have done it.

    10. coloredlights +7

      I am a theatre person who lives in NYC. I’m not a performer, but I know many many of them, and it is totally possible to live here while working in low-paid theatre stuff or regular office stuff.

      Seconding the recs for the Gypsy Housing group on Facebook and for Upper Manhattan – particularly Hamilton Heights (where I live), Washington Heights, and Inwood. I lived in Brooklyn before, but I got priced out.

      Let me know if you have any specific questions!

  15. annecara +9

    We’re finally looking into getting a security system for our house – does anyone have any good recommendations or cautionary tales?

    1. mariahnotmaria +4

      I have a SimpliSafe. I have had it for two years and have only had one issue. A few weeks ago our alarm went off, and it seems that it was based on mechanical error, or it was triggered by non-human movement in the house. It was very stressful and the police had to come, but besides that, I think it is great.

      You can decide how extensive of a system you’d like, it connects to your local PD, and I think you can get an app if you’d like.

      1. pugsnbourbon +1

        We have Simplisafe and it effectively stopped a break-in (broke glass in the door, then fled when the alarm went off). We just bought a bunch of upgrades so now the fire, water, and CO detection is all linked together and tied to our phones.

    2. rkfire +2

      We have Livewatch. Setting up the sensors was a little tricky because of the molding around the door meant that the sensors weren’t flush with each other, but I figured out a way around it. The customer service was fairly responsive, and the app (Alarm.com, which I think is what Simplisafe uses) is nice.

    3. cloverleaf +1

      NOT Vector. My stupid ex bought Vector security from a door to door salesman after a break-in. It was overpriced and had a 5 year contract written in that he didn’t notice and we couldn’t get out of it when we moved.

    4. alliana07 +2

      They’re based in CT (but own other companies in other states so try googling?) but DON’T get Safe Home Security (or anyone they own). I used to work for them and they trap people into contracts and are generally shitty.

      Actually my best advice is to check reviews and especially the Better Business Bureau because that will include things like contract issues, which a lot of those companies can be sneaky about.

  16. hellinorthrashwood +35

    I have to admit that the news that LMM is leaving Hamilton soon is distressing to me… I mean, Javier Muñoz will still be fantastic, but it just hammers in how I will never get to see this show with its original cast. I’m just hoping that Philippa Soo, Renee Elise Goldsberry, and Leslie Odom Jr. are still there if I ever get the chance to see it. I mean, it’ll be awesome no matter who’s in it… but still.

    This week’s been… tough. Everything is terrible surrounding the Orlando shooting (I am having difficulty articulating my grief, as I am not fully “out” yet) and all the shitty stuff that’s been happening lately. And a poor little kitty was hit by a car on my street a few days ago. ):

    Last night I went to a food truck party, though, where I got some comforting and delicious donuts. Going to go to the farmer’s market tomorrow to hopefully distract myself some more.

    Hugs to everyone here!

    1. mariahnotmaria +42

      They are taping Hamilton with the full original cast. I know it won’t be the same as seeing it live, but it will be something!

      2. iosognodisonno +12

        Was about to chime in with the same info. I never expected to be able to make it to the show with this cast in NY, so have just been waiting for details on a filmed version. LMM leaving comes coupled with some awesome news, so I’m gonna focus on that part!

      3. Angelan_ +3

        YES! (I will hopefully see it in london, but I think the original cast performance is something that needs to be preserved)

      4. happysadcat +7

        Such good news! I am an introvert and a misanthrope, so going to a Broadway show (unless teleportation happens soon GET WITH IT SCIENCE) is nothing I’m ever going to do. I actually love filmed stage plays and binged on allllll the Sondheim when I discovered Fake TV.

        1. smiavs +2

          What is this “Fake TV?” If it involves filmed shows, I must know. Pretty please?

          1. happysadcat +1

            I found a bunch of obscure stuff on megashare. So great to see Joanna Gleason and Bernadette Peters and a pretty young Mandy Patinkin.

        2. Genevieve

          They are livestreaming a Broadway show for the first time ever on June 30! She Loves Me, which is a revival with a charming story and songs, and fabulous actors/singers. It can be streamed for $10 on BroadwayHD.

    2. Dangerfield5 +14

      Did you see that they were definitely going to film it with the original cast? That was comforting to me. That and knowing it will give LMM a chance to work on whatever he wants to do next.

    3. bread_and_roses +19

      I saw it with Javier in March and it was fantastic. I think he might actually be better than LMM.

      1. rkfire +15

        Completely agree. LMM might be a better rapper, but Javier is a better performer. I think he knows it too! I would’ve loved to have seen LMM perform it nonetheless, but I think his true genius is composing & lyrics. He’s just merely “Broadway quality” on the other things. 😉

    4. ToastiewithCheese +4

      I’m consoling myself with the news that they’ll film it with the original cast. Obviously it doesn’t come close to seeing them IRL, but it’s some comfort.

    5. peelyfootedwizard +6

      I hear you to feeling stuck because you’re not fully out. I’m out as bi to quite a few people but i’m also in a long term hetero-looking relationship and boyfriend’s family is very conservative and also social media friends. I wanted to out myself as a show of support but know it would go very badly for possible future in laws (boyfriend is fully supportive/understanding/not freaked out by my bisexuality) but i feel closeted for future harmony’s sake.

      And with more and more queer friendsmaking beautiful statements about their brothers and sisters in the community it feels like shit being silent. I met my first queer kiss/lover/confirmation of my sexual orientation at a gay club and i often miss being in queer relationships.

      i can’t mourn as openly as i want and it stinks.

      1. dreamingintrees +2

        I feel exactly the same way. Except mine is husband, but otherwise I feel you 100 percent

    6. HotDoom +3

      Anyone know anything about the London cast? Will it be a completely different touring group to those playing in NY?

      1. theviciouscircle1 +4

        It hasn’t been announced yet, but will almost certainly be a totally different cast.

    7. theviciouscircle1 +21

      I’ve seen both Javier and Lin do the role, and Javier is a better singer and a better performer, honestly. The real strength of Hamilton is in its material, and it shines with any performer. I hope that you’ll get to see it soon, because everyone deserves to. It is a wonderful thing.

      (I should probably warn you that Philippa Soo has also already announced that she’s leaving).

  17. radiantsqui3d +22

    Writer’s block. It is Not Nice.
    In this case it’s a potent mixture of “I’m never going to make that deadline anyway” and impostor’s syndrome (“All my ideas are stupid and noone will ever want to publish them so why even try…” + “My academic English is not good enough” = not very productive)

    Any magic tricks? I’ve got a decent, if slightly chaotic argumentative structure in doge-speak (involving subparagraph 5.1. SUCH TURING TEST, VERY ROBOT, MUCH SELF-AWARE; don’t ask, or well, maybe do…), but every time I try to write proper sentences, I panic…

    1. Hey_Cinderella +15

      Honestly, my cure for writers block is similar to your doge-speak. I will write out the paragraph pretending I’m a typical Dave Franco-esque character and then once it’s written, go back and revise. So for example (keeping in mind I work for a yarn-centric magazine) “This baby alpaca yarn is made dope, yo. It’s super soft but also strong–like a Mumford and Sons song. This isn’t put up in a weak ass skein, either, it comes on one pound cones.” Then I translate and edit. (Editing is 1000000x easier than writing for me.)

      If that doesn’t work, try outlining your thoughts as detailed as you can, without worrying about full sentences or good phrasing. Sometimes just outlining a thing gives me enough of a skeleton that I can build something coherent on it. I might edit it to pieces later, but just getting that bit up first helps immensely.

      1. Mona +5

        I would read that yarn magazine unedited! Same applies to doge speak academically publications.

    2. sausagedog +14

      When I was writing my thesis, I found it was easiest if I did not think about transitions AT ALL, but rather just went through my outline and wrote a paragraph for each line regardless of flow. Get it all out onto the page in sentences, then rearrange and add transitions later. (This was an engineering thesis, I’m not sure how appropriate it would be for writing something where the writing was tantamount, but it worked out just fine in the end and helped me surmount that feeling of “oh god this is such a large thing to tackle” by thinking about it piecemeal)

    3. cruelshy +14

      Aggressively separate the writing and the editing process. Don’t backspace until you have finished writing. Get all of the mess on to the page and out of your head. It’s much easier to manage, imo.

      1. bird_internet +7

        This, this, this. You just have to type any goddamn thing that comes into your head and keep going. If you come to a dead end, just hit enter– even if you-re in the middle of a sentence– and barrel onward with a new thought. Making a pile of disjointed nonsense into something halfway coherent will always be easier than putting a finished product onto a blank page.

      2. diaryofamadeditor +13

        Ditto on this. My fav writing advice is “You can’t work with nothing, but you can work with shit.”

        1. truffleuffagus +4

          Hell yeah. Great advice I’ve heard is that your first draft is just shovelling sand into the sand box. Then you can start building a castle.

    4. Eternal teapot +6

      I have been switching to paper and pen lately when I have this problem. It feels lower pressure for me than the computer for some reason, and I can start fixing it up when I go back to type it.

      1. bibliophibian +6

        I used to do the same, but on a big drawing pad with crayons. Fat crayons helped me clarify my ideas a lot!

    5. mkmorrow +11

      I love your doge-speak version 🙂 I had to do something similar when writing my master’s thesis. I would write letters (I chose various audiences) explaining what I was trying to write about, or what I was stuck on. I’d let them be full of swears and sentence fragments and colloquialisms.

      I also made a rule that I would get up and write first thing in the morning for 2 hours. I’d grab coffee and a bowl of cereal or carton of yogurt, plunk my ass at the computer, and start writing before my brain fully turned on. It was plodding and full of dumb-ass obvious statements. I’d do editing later in the day as part of a “I promised myself I’d work for another hour before I watch tv/weed the garden/drink heavily/whatever” process.

      I found that if I nailed my ass to a chair (I even used timers sometimes) and started doing ANYTHING (spell check, formatting, work on transitions, check quotes and citations) I would end up adding to the content.

      It’s also worth remembering that whatever you are writing about seems super obvious and dumb to you because you’ve been thinking about it a long time.

    6. radiantsqui3d +8

      Update: Some elderly mouthbreather just sat down near my space in the library. I think it’s time to stop pretending.
      Thank you for all your advice. I’ve managed to produce at least a bunch of semi-coherent notes detailing my outline. 🙂

  18. foxinthe_snow +58

    Sending you all love and compassion this Open Thread. It’s been a tough week and I hope everyone is able to take care of themselves this weekend.

    <3

    1. Scotch_n_Stata +12

      Yes, I realize that so many of us are having trouble dealing with rage and sadness this week. Can we please have a self-care thread? I actually don’t have any suggestions, but my best friend in the entire world earnestly told me that my rage and misandry were getting out of control, and so I am definitely here to listen and learn.

      1. kaylaelisabethblog +7

        It’s so hard though- you get to the point where you just want to scream or cry or both. The world weighs so heavy right now.

        Sometimes I take care of myself by getting margaritas with my mom and crying with her. Sometimes it’s rereading my favorite books. Sometimes it’s taking a personal day at work just to put LUSH hair masks in my hair to make it smell like chamomile while drinking tea. When it’s especially bad, sometimes it’s just laying in bed crying while cuddling my cat and watching a favorite movie.

        1. Scotch_n_Stata +4

          Such good ideas! I guess I additionally have some ambivalent feelings about self-care that I wondered if you had some perspective on:

          1/ Many times, I am so exhausted by rage, that I feel that the self-care I need is literally the lowest common denominator of existence. I sit in my room, eat and drink unhealthy things, watch movies, and peruse the internet. It feels great at the time, but I think ultimately it is not soul-satisfying self-care. I feel isolated, numbed, and disconnected. I also feel guilt, like I haven’t accomplished anything for myself or others (working on self-goals so I can get move to a less rage-inducing environment, or working with others to change the root causes of rage). Probably my best self-care activities are actually going out with my friends, exploring new things, or dancing, but these activities actually require some activation energy to overcome my isolationist tendencies. Arrgh.

          2/ Sometimes I feel that I don’t want to nourish myself to forget the rage. The rage is an indication that I care about important injustices. Maybe it is unethical in some way to try to shake it. I realize that there is a point where it becomes destructive to your ability to function, but if I am being honest with myself, self-care a less challenging reaction to rage than trying to make a difference or to strategize to stop the source. It feels like popping a Tylenol instead of seeing a doctor.

          1. kaylaelisabethblog +2

            Oh man! I feel this so deeply. When I’m angry/sad/depressed/frustrated/tired- I have this horrible thing where I lose my appetite. And when I remember that I’m not treating my body worse- it worsens my mood and stresses me out further, which makes me sad and makes me want to eat less.

            I feel like sometimes we are too hard on ourselves though about things. Yes- we need to take care of ourselves and laying in bed all day isn’t helping, but sometimes we need to take care of ourselves by staying in bed all day. It’s this fine, fine line and I have so much trouble trying to figure it out. I think we all do.

          2. happysadcat +1

            I have nothing to add, but a cautious and quiet YAY to your username. Data analysis and liquor; what could go wrong?

      2. Eternal teapot +3

        I pretty much feel like rage in a meat suit, at this point. I have been fostering kittens for the human society, which gives me kittens to play with and the feeling that at least I am doing some good, even if it’s just in a small way.

        I also work out when the anger gets to be too much. I can’t run anymore on my knee, but that in particular used to be really cathartic for me.

  19. bighairnoheart +140

    I tried a dating app for the first time a few days ago. Got a date lined up for tonight and tomorrow. My first dates in… oh, let’s just round and call it a decade. (They were sort of fluke dates anyway.) Going through the Dartmouth med school one dude at a time. Wish me luck that they don’t turn out to be duds.

    2. Tarragoner +29

      I wish you luck that they don’t turn out to be duds, that you can be you, and if they are psychos you’ll know it immediately deep in your soul with no regrets.

      1. bighairnoheart +47

        My hair is particularly big and blonde today. I have faith in its ability to maintain integrity and weed out the losers.

    3. teenybuffalo +8

      I’m trying a dating app lately too. I’m very romantically inexperienced so it’s scary and I feel insecure. But since we both have Tina Belcher on our side, I think we are doing the right thing. Good luck! I hope you have a great time on both evenings!

    4. BestLaidPlans +11

      We used to try to go study in the Dartmouth med school library when I went to school nearby so I’m totally down with your selection criteria.

    5. TheasyPeasy +11

      Get it gurrrrlll.

      What’s the restaurant scene like in Hanover? Will it be too small to string them all through the three or four good restaurants in town (I’m just assuming, as all NH towns have about four good restaurants)? Or are you going to get a server to be your accomplice? I would have been your accomplice, if I still lived in NH and was a server.

      1. bighairnoheart +10

        I’m actually having to work out the logistics of that since I’m in Vermont. Meeting one in the middle and one down there. More recon is needed.

        3. TheasyPeasy +4

          I drove through Hanover the last time I was up north, but I’m afraid I cannot help you very much. But I wouldn’t expect you’ll have too much trouble! It’s a fancy town. 

          You’ve just reminded me that I once slept with a doctor who works at Dartmouth. He was a lot of fun.

          Not that I expect you to tell a complete stranger where you are in Vermont, but I like to imagine that this puts you in Lyndonville or St. Jay (which is where my dad is from), even though that’s not that logical.

        4. rangiferina +2

          all my Hanover restaurant knowledge is about 8 years old by now, but my friends and I would always go to Molly’s or Jewel of India when we wanted to go to actual ~sit-down restaurants (or Lou’s for breakfast). Looks like there are a few more options now though!

    7. mosylu +9

      Yay you! I never have any luck with dating apps; I suspect it is user error, plus maybe also user inability to take a pic that doesn’t look like a round pink balloon with hair.

      I hope you find love, or something like it, or heck, at least have a good time on your date(s).

    8. catcet +12

      I’m also trying out a dating app for the first time (part of trying dating for the first time) and it’s a little strange getting used to it. It’s a total blast when I’m hanging out with a friend and we can laugh and joke about it together, but when I’m skimming through profiles on my own it feels weirdly like grocery shopping. Also, I think I get pickier. Has anyone else felt like this?

      1. Poppy +4

        Met my husband through online dating. It is super fun to laugh about it with friends but then you end up tossing out potentially good people for silly reasons:
        Friend: he has a beard! Gross! What is living in that thing? I bet he keeps a pet spider in there.
        You:ha ha! (Thinking, but I like beards…)
        It is easy to look for a perfect person but there aren’t any of those IRL. Better to think about what are true deal breakers for you and what is just fluff (not deal breakers: bow ties, pictures on boats with bros, liking a dumb band. Deal breakers: long term joblessness, obsessed with sex [unless that’s what you are looking for], etc)
        Also, obviously, you cannot tell about people until you meet in person.
        Good luck and have fun!

        1. robotneedslove +4

          Seconded! (I also met my husband online.)

          Also, I liked to think of it as “must haves”: Must be politically liberal and actively non-homophobic and feminist. (did not actually have to call himself a feminist, at least not right off the bat.) Must be somewhat funny and intelligent. Must be physically attractive to me (at least generally speaking). Must be employed or otherwise productive in and connected to society. Must like to go to restaurants and bars, or at least tolerate them somewhat. Must be kind, or at least possibly kind.

          If someone has those things, the rest is really chemistry, which is not possible to pre-determine.

      2. alliana07 +14

        Yes but I’ve decided that it’s not being picky at all, it’s just being an adult and knowing what you want in a partner, but also having gotten to the point where you know the typical signs that indicate someone is going to be the kind of person you don’t want to be with. When you’re younger you’re more likely to date someone either just for the heck of it, or thinking you can change them, or not even knowing what things might cause an issue later.

  20. mariahnotmaria +38

    This has simultaneously been a very stressful and a very exciting week!

    I’m moving tomorrow! Goodbye absentee landlord and lots of ants, helloooo open-concept clean apartment with two full baths!

    I got offered a new position in my department at work! I’m losing benefits and paid vacation (grr grr grr), but I will be using my teaching experience and hopefully learning more about teaching composition by serving as the library’s liaison solely to writing programs. I’m going to be like a junior English librarian, and as my current career paths are either English Prof or English Librarian, this is going to be a good thing. Now to only tell my current supervisor that I am leaving!

    1. allanaaa +1

      Congratulations! I’m very curious about losing benefits and vacation. I’m assuming you are moving from a permanent to a contract job?

      1. mariahnotmaria +1

        Sorry for the late response — it has been a busy week! Yes, I am moving from a permanent job to a temporary job. My position is brand new and the administration is not sure there is definitely a need for it in my organization, so the first year is going to be temporary. If the position gets renewed it will be a 2 year term position, and then hopefully become a permanent position.

  21. StiffyByng +32

    We’re on the brink of my fourth summer in Japan, my second as a working person. Every year my resolve to get through looking reasonably human evaporates after the third day of 80% humidity and perfectly still air. With baby fine hair and oily skin this seems an impossible battle. This year, I want to conquer my reverse SAD* and get through two months of unbearable heat and humidity while looking neat and slightly professional. Is this possible?? Has any human ever achieved this? Especially if born within spitting** distance of the Arctic circle.

    *I guess it’s still seasons affecting, just not with darkness
    ** 7 hours drive but within the scheme of things ie the planet

    1. Peanutcheese +10

      Japanese summers are SOMETHING. As a pale ginger person I empathise completely with your struggles.

      Japanese drugstores have a product called Shirt Cool Spray that I used when I lived there – you spray it on your clothes and they stay a bit cooler for longer and don’t stick to you as much.

      I also bought those cooling pads that I think are used for headaches or something (the boxes usually have a kid with the pad on his forehead on them) and I used to stick them on quick-to-warm places (e.g. my lower back) under my clothes. I don’t think that’s what they’re meant for but I was desperate and they worked! They stayed stuck pretty well.

      Also get a few hankies from the hundred yen store for dabbing, and maybe some blotting papers from the drug store? I find the hankies more useful functionally but the blotting papers helped to make me look more ‘polished’.

      I can’t think of much else – I was a student so I didn’t have office woes – but do you work in a place with aircon? The above things were my tactics for the walk to the underground, and then I would basically be indoors most of the day (freezing from the aircon), but if you work outdoors then I’m not sure what to suggest 🙁

      PS. may I ask what your job is in Japan? It’s ok if you don’t want to say – I just want to move there some day so I like to hear about that kind of stuff!

      1. StiffyByng +4

        My job is kind of strange and incredibly vaguely defined. I work for a small family company (shacho is friend of a friend of a friend) who hired me without a super defined role because they liked me and because they’re in the Scandinavian stuff business and I’m Scandinavian. After I arrived it turned out that I brought a lot of competence in techy stuff, so I built us a webshop and better website, and maintaining them make up the bulk of my job. However, as the company is truly minuscule I help out where I can, e.g. working events at department stores, some design work, occasional answering of phones etc. It’s a pretty casual job, so I don’t have the dress codes most people have(luckily!)

        I had serendipity on my side, but the number one thing that helped me find work here was going back on a tourist visa and actively looking for work. Pretty much no one hires from abroad. (Apparently Rakuten does but I hear they are a terrible work place unless you’re tech/engineering staff)

    2. Scotch_n_Stata +11

      I am here for these replies. I live in India now, but my ancestors are acclimatized to cold places. I have gone down this minor skincare rabbit hole lately, and need Toastie advice.

      In a nutshell, I generally seek to minimize getting ready time, for reasons having to do with misandry, but I would like to prevent wrinkles in the future. I generally do a fair amount of research on the limited palette of skin and make-up products I use, and then essentially “set-it-and-forget-it.” To minimize time thinking about my face, if I like a product, and am reasonably sure it is not accelerating my death, I’ll infinitely re-purchase.

      The problem is that importing American niche brands to India is expensive. So when I needed a refill recently, I looked at some local products – there’s lots of ayurvedic products and Korean beauty here, which is a bit different for me. I started doing my research, and people are incredibly serious about their Korean beauty routines! Like a series of 15 products per day! What a fascinating, yet ultimately stressful look into a world I had never realized existed!

      So, I have baby-stepped my way into a two-step cleansing routine, in deference to the level of dedication, ingredient research, and scientific exposition on some of these blogs. But it seems that most of these products are for intense moisture and “dewy” complexions. My face is already making plenty of it’s own “dew.” I need less moisture. I also don’t have the strength of character (or utility preferences) for a multi-step professional routine.

      In summary, please HAAALP with simple solutions for people living seasonally in Satan’s armpit.

      1. bocadelperro +7

        Can you get shishedo? It’s a japanese brand. I adore their sunscreen and it’s kept my very pale skin safe through multiple Arizona summers. I use the spf 40.

      2. StiffyByng +7

        Also Biore Skin Milk is amazing if you can get it, very high spf and fairly low super sticky feelings.

        Korean skin care seems inteeeeense. I don’t really know it but it has similarities to Japanese routines. I am a very poor skin caretaker, but the lighter weights of Japanese skin stuff has been pretty good to me! My move is to ignore more stuff, use a “lotion”/toner (water with stuff in it, pretty much) and then a “milk” (super light weight moisturizer) on top of that, plus sheet masks when I feel like lazing yet pretending I’m doing something.

        Take with a grain of salt, we’ve only had one day of 30C temperatures, in three weeks these tips will be reduced to “everything is futile, just find a fan and hug it”

      3. adoptraya +7

        So, I am a not-Korean lady who is definitely into Korean skincare, but at the same time, I’m not like, all about that life, if that makes any sense. As you’ve probably noticed, a lot of Asian beauty fans try a bunch of different products, listen to podcasts, do “hauls”, spend ALL THE HOURS on r/asianbeaty, write product reviews, etc. I am not knocking this at all — I have benefited so much from the research that these folks do! — but it is not the way I run my K-beauty life, and I am still able to reap the benefits of K-beauty.

        With that disclaimer, I will say that a Korean beauty routine DOES NOT have to be fifteen steps. It can easily get there, if you want it to, but there is absolutely no need for it to do so. My morning routine is three steps: splash water on face/dry off, apply Korean moisturizer, apply sunscreen. My nighttime routine is much more involved, but that’s only because I am not time-crunched and because I enjoy having a longer routine.

        I think the most important way to avoid wrinkles is to make sure you are vigilant about sunscreen. Since you have oily skin, I’d recommend Biore UV Aqua Rich Smooth Watery Gel SPF 50. It goes on like a dream, is light as a feather, and is almost unscented except for a faint, creamsicle-esque scent. It’s also got a perfect matte finish, which is great if you want to put on makeup after. I loooooooooooove it.

        My advice to you if you do want to get more into Korean/Asian skincare is three-fold:

        1. Identify your skincare concerns. Are you concerned about wrinkles, oily skin, acne, rosacea, etc?

        2. Hop on the r/asianbeauty subreddit, and take a look at threads that address your concerns. This will almost certainly lead you to bloggers who share your skin type, and you will be able to take a look at their blogs and see which products work for them/might work for you.

        3. In my (in no way professional or even super self-educated) opinion, other than sunscreen, you really only need 4 product types: oil cleanser, foaming cleanser, one (or more! this is generally the area where you start to add lots of steps if you want) type of ampoule or essence designed to combat your specific skin issue, and a moisturizer. That’s really not any different than a Western routine. Again, you can add other products if you want to, but you don’t have to!

        3a. Remember that you don’t have to have the same routine for the morning and the evening. If, like me, you want to do as little prep as possible in the morning, do that! Just slap on sunscreen and get out the door! You can use multiple products at night when you have more time. Do whatever works for your life.

        I will say that after using Korean skincare for about a year, my skin looks and feels SO much better than it did when I started. It’s not perfect, but I am happy with the progress I have made, and confident that I can continue that progress. Korean beauty products and the entire philosophy of Asian skincare has worked wonders for me.

        Here is a blog post about building a routine from FiddySnails, one of the most prominent American K-beauty bloggers. I’d recommend taking a look at it, since she’s a lot more educated than I am on this topic and her writing is probably more easily understood than my own.

        1. Scotch_n_Stata +2

          Wow! This is amazing, thanks! I love the opportunity to research a new thing, and I love the sound of the word “ampoule” or “essence,” which I haven’t heard outside of a fantasy novel before.

          One more question, if you have time to answer this. How do you know what “your skin care issue” is? I suppose, having only worn my own skin on my face, I kind of take it as a given? And I don’t conceptualize my skin as having problems outside of combating the environment itself – like the dirt, UV rays, and humidity. But, thinking about it now, I guess I have seen other ladies with beautiful skin, so is the key to believe that my own skin could be more like theirs? Sometimes I get a pimple, sometimes my skin feels dry in the winter, and I treat those events as episodic.

          Reading the blog post you recommended, I kind of got lost at the concept of “solving a skin problem”. And when the author links to a post about tracking your reactions to products, I realized that I definitely don’t need a spreadsheet to keep track of the four products that I put on my face (and have put on my face for years). Maybe I also missed the opportunity to track their effects, as it has been so long. What do you to define your skin’s goals?

          1. RoseCamelia +5

            You have healthy skin. That is why you are unaware of having any “skin issue”. If you had hypersensitive skin, you would have issues. If you had cystic acne, you would have issues. If you had chronic dry skin, or very oily skin, you would have issues.

            You would track effects of products if you had issues. Because not tracking results in wasted money and unnecessary discomfort, if not pain and scars.

            Healthy skin is the goal. Absence of excess oil, excessive dryness, cysts, broken skin, red irritation, or itchiness is the goal.

            ~a Toastperson with sensitive skin and cystic acne

          2. adoptraya +1

            Isn’t “ampoule” a great word?! Every time I use mine, I feel like I’m a healer in a fantasy novel, taking the ampoule down from my shelf of ~~potions and unguents~~. >‿<

            As RoseCamelia said, it sounds like you have some pretty healthy skin! If you had skin issues, you’d know it. In my case, I struggled with hormonal acne*. Some people have skin that is so dry it becomes flaky, or so oily that their face can look slick. Other people, especially those with darker skin tones, struggle with scarring, where previous pimples have left a darker area of skin on their faces (or in lighter skin tones, a red or purpley area. I have some of these). All of us folks with skin issues are working toward the skin that you have: you may have the occasional pimple, or feel dry-ish in the winter, but overall, you don’t really think about your skin because you don’t have any issues with it. You have been blessed! ^_^

            You did mention in your first post that you were looking to combat or prevent wrinkles, so if you are interested in getting into Asian skincare, I’d focus your energies on anti-aging products. Luckily for you, anti-aging is one of the primary skincare focuses for Fiddysnails. Here’s a review of two products she did that has a great overview of anti-aging products in general in the first few paragraphs. Here are all the posts under the ‘Anti-Aging’ tag on her website.

            And actually, I have a recommendation for an ampoule! Scinic makes an ampoule called All-in-One Honey Ampoule**. The product is marketed as an anti-aging ampoule, and also a “whitening” product. [DISCLAIMER: In Korean beauty, “whitening” DOES NOT MEAN skin bleaching. It means that the product evens out your skin tone and helps to overcome some of the acne scarring I was talking about in my previous paragraph.]

            I currently use said ampoule, and I luffffffffffffffffffffff eeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. It makes my skin feel as soft as the tush of an angel-baby. It’s also moisturizing enough that on a very humid day, it could do double-duty for me as an ampoule AND a moisturizer. Additionally, price-wise, it’s a really good investment, because you get A LOT of product, and you need very little for each application. I’m still on my first bottle, and I’ve been using it for probably…6 months now? I’ve been able to give sizable samples to my friends, and I’ve still got probably another 6 months to go. OH AND ALSO IT SMELLS LIKE HEAVEN. If you do decide to get it, you should definitely let me know so that I can rejoice!

            As for skincare spreadsheets….yeah. I guess maybe I probably should have one, but I don’t. This is where my “I like K-beauty but I ain’t all about dat lyfe” attitude comes in. I have absolutely no interest in creating and maintaining a spreadsheet about anything, much less skincare. I can definitely see the value in it, but it’s just not for me. Since you don’t sound like someone who is planning to have a very extensive routine, or like you have the kind of skin that would be very sensitive and might have a reaction to various ingredients, I don’t think you need a spreadsheet. Skincare should be fun, not demoralizing (which is how I feel about spreadsheets).

            Anyway, I know that was a lot of info! I am happy to talk about Asian skincare (well, my novice-level knowledge of it) all day, so thank you for giving me the opportunity to talk about something that I don’t talk about much in my everyday life. I hope that Asian skincare ends up being a fulfilling and fun adventure for you, filled with ampoules of wonder! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

            *Not as much any more, now that I’m taking meds and have an Asian skincare routine! #yay

            **I don’t think that site ships to India, but I am sure you can find this ampoule elsewhere.

      4. rkfire +3

        Other people have posted really helpful tips, including pointing to r/Asianbeauty & Fiddysnails, so I’m chiming in only to say that while it seems like people have really long routines in this thing, you won’t and shouldn’t have a massive routine as you dive in! Because you need to patch test every single fucking thing or risk breakouts, I’ve found that my routine is actually still pretty limited after 2-3 months for that very reason. Just ease in, and you only need to get what you think your skin needs! If you want to keep it short you could wash your face (whatever in the morning, 2 step cleaning at night), use some moisturizing thing with some anti-aging properties (a toner?), and sunblock. that’s it.

        BTW, I don’t know if you’ve seen this yet, but I’ve read a lot of “your face can be oily and dehydrated at the same time” warnings on r/Asianbeauty. You know your face best so I won’t say if that’s the case, but it was surprising to me that it’s even a possibility. That might be something to consider when thinking about your skin’s needs.

        Also, as much as Japanese/Korean skincare routines are into many many layers, there are sitll some “all in one” ampoules out there for the rest of us who don’t want to have 10+ products. I have that many right now but they’re all samples… 😉

    3. JGlows +11

      Last August when my husband and I went to Japan, after the first day I simply resigned myself to the fact that I was going to sweat through my deodorant in the first half hour outside the hotel and in general be large, beastly, and sweaty compared to all the women around me. So I have nothing to offer but my sympathies.

      Re: feeling large and beastly compared to the women around me, see also last week’s trip to Prague.

      1. StiffyByng +12

        after four separate stays in Japan, I’ve managed to settle into the idea that the way most Japanese women look is just a different category to me. I can more or less not be anything like them, they more or less cant be anything like me. It helps when I come across clothes with waist lines the size of one of my thighs.

    4. Peanutcheese +1

      Oh sorry for makeup things, what’s your skin like in terms of sensitivity? Biore UV Perfect Face Milk is very mattifying but contains alcohol and my skin just couldn’t handle it (my skin is extremely sensitive). BUT wow when I was trying their sunscreens I felt hot and gross but I looked in the mirror and my face was perfect. It was so weird. I used it a few years ago so it may have changed its name now or been reformulated (Japanese cosmetics are notorious for this) but if your skin is quite resilient you may want to look into it.

      1. StiffyByng +1

        I used this last year. I absolutely adore it – I guess I must have skin that’s on the resilient side! IIRC, it’s super duper on its own but doesn’t play too well with makeup? No matter, it will be my boon companion this summer as well

    5. K V +4

      Ohhh, also live in Japan (Kobe represent) and I KNOW what you mean. Just did a full day of elementary school earlier, six lessons, no AC. Hellish. And I come from the deep south so I can’t imagine how bad it is for you!!

      My best advice for hair is cut it off. A nice short cut will kill the wispy sweat curls. Fashion wise, fully take that cool biz style on if you can. Short sleeves, Airism from Uniqlo that has the lil sweat collectors under the arms, thin netted cardigans, gauzy undershirts (Uniqlo again is great), airy pants or skirts, and a constant handkerchief in your pocket! You can also buy mini desk fans or portable electric fans to carry with you, and of course the classic folding fan is a valuable ally. And, hey, half the Japanese women carry parasols to keep the sun off, so that’s a viable tactic too!

      Do you HAVE to wear a blazer? In that case Uniqlo again has you covered with super lightweight linen or netted or cardigan style blazers. The cardigan one especially looks like a real blazer but is much lighter.

    6. helicoptersky +3

      Oh man, Japanese summers are such a nightmare.

      Those “shower sheets” (like baby wipes but bigger and with more powerful) were a godsend. I would wipe myself down every hour or so and reapply deodorant to keep from feeling too swampy.

      For hair, baby powder is significantly more powerful than dry shampoo when it comes to soaking up sweat and oil. I’d put it in as a precaution and top up throughout the day.

      If you’re having trouble sleeping in the death heat, you can place ice packs in strategic locations (I like the armpits, back of the knees, and belly) to make things a bit less miserable.

      Good luck!!

    7. inkwashed +3

      I have nooo idea if you can get this in japan or not, but when I lived in very hot and humid climates, my skin would break out like mad from just the ickiness of it all, and I started using dr bronner’s tea tree soap – it was drying enough to keep the breakout/excess oiliness of summer at bay, and the natural antibacterial-ness of the tea tree was A+.

      in terms of everything else: I got nothing, darling, except best wishes and iced tea!

    8. lemonack +2

      I get through summer in Japan by layering a Uniqlo Airism tank under my clothing) and buying the special Coolish Bras from Peach John (super lightweight breathable material, with pads you can refrigerate before wearing). Floaty skirts and sandals are a must. Rady makes super lightweight UV cardigans that scrunch up small enough to shove in a purse when you’re outdoors.

      Carry an aerosol spray deodorant and cooling wipes in your purse (I just get whatever is in the conbini) to touch up in restrooms. Setting spray is a must for makeup, even if you have to import it. I also have oily skin; my ride-or-die makeup is the Chanel Velvet Lumiere foundation and Urban Decay De-Slick Setting Spray.

    9. spring chickens +1

      My trick for hot & humid is to wear linen pants and, honestly, just use a fan. I have a nice wood and cloth fan from Spain but I’m sure there are lovely ones in Japan too. You sort of forget you are fanning yourself after a while — your hand just gets used to it. It’s especially good in public transport.

      For hair, the hair cream known as Moroccan Oil is pretty good and lightweight.

      Also you can put ice on your pulse points — it cools you down very fast because the cool blood is now traveling to other parts of your body. (At least I guess — all I know is it cools you down amazingly fast). Good pulse points: your temples, your wrists, your neck under the ears.

  22. freshwaterpearl +5

    I updated my work computer to Windows 10, and now when I am using Gmail (which is a big part of what I do at work) I keep accidentally hitting keyboard shortcuts that I don’t think I used to have. Last week I accidentally sent two messages before I was done writing them. (I went into the settings and turned on Enable Unsend, so that I can undo this in future if I catch it fast enough, but I still don’t know what I hit that made them send in the first place.) Today I’ve twice hit a combination of keys that made the page’s source code open in a window on the right side of my screen. Why is this happening? Does anyone know if there’s a way to disable shortcuts like these?

    1. Absotively +5

      I haven’t used Windows 10, so I may be totally wrong about this, but the first thing that comes to mind is that maybe your accessibility settings got changed somehow? I’m pretty sure most OSes now have an accessibility setting that lets you hit Ctrl and then something else instead of having to press both keys at the same time. If you had turned that on and didn’t know it, it might cause you to hit shortcuts when you didn’t mean to.

      1. freshwaterpearl +1

        Thanks! I looked at my settings and that wasn’t turned on, but I fiddled with some other settings that miiiight have been making the keyboard respond faster than I can handle.

    2. SarcasticFringehead +2

      My gmail is set up to send when I hit ctrl + enter – could that be it? I think it’s a recent change, although not super-recent. In Chrome, ctrl + shift + c opens up the source code, but that’s definitely not new to Windows 10.

        1. SarcasticFringehead +2

          I mean, at least half the keyboard shortcuts I know I learned because I was trying to do a different shortcut & hit the wrong keys, so maybe? Maybe it did change itself with Windows 10, just to keep you on your toes.

  23. Angelan_ +37

    I’m trying to eat less sugar and it’s super depressing- what’s your favourite savoury snack?

    1. bread_and_roses +26

      Cheese. Though depending on the reasons for cutting sugar, it may not help.

      1. Angelan_ +4

        my dentist told me to 🙁 (I floss! I brush! I still get a filling every six months!). I’m not a person who drinks a lot of fizzy drinks or anything, but I probably eat more than the recommended 30g a day, so I’m trying to keep below that and now I’m really aware that there’s loads of sugar in everything.

        1. Ange

          that’s funny, my daughter had 8 (super expensive!) caps when she was two, her teeth were super soft and crumbly, but the dentist basically said all food has enough sugar to rot your teeth,especially if you have a certain type of saliva, so you need to brush after every meal and not snack! at all! (or brush after every snack;) but also there are recipes online for remineralizing toothpaste that help your teeth to become stronger, you crush up calcium tablets, I think you can buy it too if you’re less into diy…

    2. cruelshy +12

      dried meats!! jerky, etc.
      i also like raw almonds but your mileage may vary on that.

      1. hellinorthrashwood +5

        Literally just about to say this. Try them with spices like chipotle, chili, and garlic powder for optimum yummy-ness.

      1. StiffyByng +16

        I haven’t done it in a while, but stovetop popcorn was a revelation to me. It’s really fun! It’s pretty easy! (Especially with a glass lid for your pan) You can put all the things on it! (Za’atar is good, also Parmesan)

    6. Hey_Cinderella +8

      Cheese and charcuterie, preferably on good bread but I’ll take a nice cracker if I must, with some almonds and olives on the side and/or some nice pickled vegetables (picked green beans are especially nice). I am all about the cheese plates.

      1. wild fruits +7

        I’m living on pickled vegetables right now. Cauliflower, carrots, artichokes, sweet peppers, every damn thing.

    8. Peanutcheese +10

      Do cheese and biscuits count as a snack?

      Otherwise most things cheese related
      Or peanut butter on stuff: celery, carrots, cucumber, apple or banana (if you are ok with fruit sugars)
      Or houmous and carrots
      But most importantly cheese.

    9. Tarragoner +7

      Hummus with carrots and celery. Cheese of all kinds. Contemplating cheese is a life saver.

    10. iosognodisonno +4

      Peanuts. Also, unsweetened peanut butter is tasty and has some sweetness to it if you want to consider that.

    11. HelloChel +9

      I recently started getting baked snap peas, I’m not sure the brand but I’ve seen them at Safeway and Target. The black pepper are my favorite. I also like these little snack pack things that have cheese and nuts and dried berries but I don’t know if you mean just added sugar or fruit sugar as well.

    12. sausagedog +13

      Ramen eggs! Soft- to medium-hard-boil your eggs, shock and peel them, and then marinate them in equal parts soy sauce and mirin overnight. Mirin has some sugar but you’re not imparting that much to the egg, so I think it still counts. You could also try tea eggs.

    14. ann_surely +5

      Olive and pickled things – Trader Joe’s has jars of pickled mixed veg in the refrigerated section. NOM.

      1. Annie +6

        But potato chips are basically the same thing as sugar – they’ve got the same impact on blood sugar and everything. See also: white bread

        I honestly can’t think of a reason to reduce sugar intake that wouldn’t be totally thwarted by increasing potato chip consumption.

    17. OliviaPJones +10

      I love pickles waaay too much so sometimes instead of eating too many of them I slice up cucumbers, sprinkle salt and vinegar on them, swish them around and leave them in the fridge for a couple of hours. Snacktime!

    18. JenfromHouston +5

      Full disclosure- I have weird tastes. But I adore soaking bacon bits (the totally red not food particles) in Italian dressing and dipping cabbage leaves in it.

      I probably won’t get diabetes, but I will die of a heart attack from the salt. so weirdly good though!

    20. Annie +6

      Replacing processed sugar with natural sugars like fructose (i.e. eat more fruit) may be easier. Bonus: Lots more fiber. My faves:

      Cheese + fruit
      Peanut butter + fruit
      Homemade smoothies that are mostly fruit with low/no added sugar. Maybe some Greek yogurt for protein
      Ricotta cheese warmed, spiced and lightly sweetened

      Also, seaweed snacks are great! Trail mix is good, just avoid the stuff with M&Ms in it.

    21. JauntyGhost +3

      Pistachios! Prosciutto and fresh mozzarella, or prosciutto w/watermelon if fruit sugar is ok!

    22. LadyBertilak +9

      MY TIME HAS COME: The vast majority of the time I prefer savory things: Snyders pretzel bits, any flavor, my favorite are the buffalo and the jalapeno but if those are too spicy for you the honey mustard is also amazing. If you live near an Aldi, not only are their chips arguably better than any name brand, but they have guacamole flavored corn chips that are not spicy just have this wonderful avocado flavor. Also from aldi: their sharp white cheddar dipped in their austrian beer mustard, and honestly, anything dipped in the austrian beer mustard, pretzels, crackers, those little summer sausages. Also a weird snack from my childhood: take plain corn chips, put a bunch of shredded cheese on top, and boom, low effort nachos.

        1. LadyBertilak +2

          THEY SO ARE but I have to keep in mind that not everyone loves spicy stuff as much as I do when recommending snacks

    25. Jenny +2

      Stovetop popcorn (Simply Recipes has a great post about it), bell pepper dipped in Sunshine Sauce, which I made during my Whole30 and it’s INSANELY good (basically peanut sauce subbing in sunflower butter & coconut aminos; no sugar!), prosciutto wrapped around melon or mozzarella sticks. Now I’m hungry.

    26. catatatatat +2

      I find having a square of super dark chocolate a satisfying alternative to biscuits and sweets. Other things with strong flavours are also good, like olives, when you just want to eat something but you’re not really hungry

  24. logicbutton +121

    What is the Toastest comment you have ever made on The Toast? Here’s mine:

    2. kaylaelisabethblog +58

      “My ex boyfriend spelled “amidst” “a mist” on his most recent facebook status.

      Not quite as traumatic as an MRA but still a bullet dodged haha.”

      that was mine haha.

    3. OoTheHumanities +58

      Definitely my proudest comm-moment — that big long thread about the evil Asheville coffee shop assholes and Tai Chi Trey, about how there should be a TV show in which buff ponytailed new age dude reams MRAs into the ground —

      <And you could call it To Catch a Redditor!!>

      where else but the Toast?

    4. theburnersmydestination +46

      “Butterflies are like an objectivist nightmare.” from the Passive-Aggressive Hymns thread.

    6. gclouts +39

      Probably this: “AMY HAD NO FLAWS BECAUSE SHE WAS EVEN ABLE TO MARRY FOR MONEY AND FOR LOVE EVEN THOUGH WHY SHE LOVED THAT DINGBAT REMAINS UNCLEAR!
      Would that we could all be Amy.” Just because the group seems to be very torn but also very passionate about the correct opinion about Amy from Little Women.

    8. CleverManka +57

      I don’t know about “Toastiest,” but I’m still proud of this one even though especially because it was at the end of a fairly contentious discussion that nearly got shut down by the mods.

          4. OoTheHumanities +23

            D’awww, it says If Stephen Colbert were your dad, you would have grown up calling Neil DeGrasse Tyson “Uncle Neil”, and on your 12th birthday, he would have named a star after you. A premonition for the Neil & Yo-Yo dads! Sunrise, sunset.

            Toast you are such a beautiful part of the world I am crying that it has to end.

        1. CleverManka +10

          I felt uncomfortable being at the center of all that, but I can’t deny making the comment felt pretty good.

          1. MopRocks +7

            I can understand that. I was really impressed with the grace and moderation of many players in that thread. Despite the contention, I think it is a really great example of how great the general Toastariet are.

          2. exitpursuedbyaclaire +6

            I was really grateful for your comments on that. Commenting on that thread as a Catholic was very fraught for me, because I kept thinking, “but I’m obviously so biased here, how do I know if I’m crossing a line?” It was heartening seeing your comments and knowing my reactions weren’t outrageous. (Back in the days before I used this account)

    10. SmrtCookie +64

      “Why do you think they’re called ottoMANs, not ottoWOMANs??”

      Explaining why Amazons kept men around. I’m still proud of that comment.

    11. bighairnoheart +61

      I’m pretty sure mine may be the one about CSI Lewis? “He’s a Christian Apologist. He’s a Roman Catholic. Together they solve crime.”

      Or maybe my personal war against Dirtbag Ethics Professor. (I will still see him and his straightedge skater dreams perish in flames.) Or coming in to get my major award for the procrastination paper like Eleanor of Aquitaine. idk. Please just remember me like

        1. bighairnoheart +23

          Never forget!

          Eskimos kill babies and sexually oppress their women! Socrates was thirty when he died! Gandhi was a monk! And never accomplished anything of value! And died in an unsuccessful hunger strike! Mother Theresa was a failure of a human being for having doubts! College students who have not yet been arrested for the cause of their choosing are fucking pussies!

          And much, much MORE!

    12. v_d_budenmayer +38

      Not my highest-rated, but I’d have to say the award goes to:

      “Maybe THAT Bush isn’t strong and viable, but MY bush certainly is.”

      EDIT: or perhaps “Ban men from metaphors!”

    13. citizenchristy +18

      For context, this was the comment that started the thread (also mine):

      “I … kind of think Roman is the best person to identify with on Party Down. I suppose Henry is OK if we’re talking about the finale and the finale alone, but Roman seems so much more together than some of the others, like he’s accepted his fate rather than deluded himself into thinking this is a pitstop on the way to stardom.”

      Mallory said something about how Roman was garbage, and I added this, the most Christy- and Toast-like comment I’ve ever made:

      “I identify with the most garbagey parts of EVERY CHARACTER, Mallory!”

    14. JGlows +30

      Posted on a Bargain Bin post…

      “I am wearing a blush cardigan from the Gap from like 7 years ago that looks almost exactly like that grey one. It doesn’t make me look like a ballerina, more like a dumpy Jedi reject.”

      Still makes me laugh. Ok, maybe it’s not the absolute Toastiest thing I have ever posted but I got halfway through my past comments and decided to call it.

      1. SarcasticFringehead +3

        I remember lol-ing at that one when it was posted, much as I am again now.

      2. bookwormV +2

        That was a reply to one of my comments (I think?), and I am proud to have facilitated it in some small way.

    16. zachariahary +49

      Well that sunk me pretty deep into a hole of reading my old comments… half of that experience was trying to remember what the heck I was talking about.

      Out of context, this is my favorite:
      “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, toads are a bunch of gaslighting dickfutons.”

      But my Toastiest comment? Maybe this?

      “I’m beginning to wonder if Mallory is able to meaningfully distinguish between humor and horror, between joyful laughter and the shrill cachinnations of a person scrabbling to light a candle before the darkness descends permanently.
      Either way, she sees that our bodies are shaking and tears are flowing easily down our faces.
      Either way, she has power over us.
      Mirth and terror are just two sides of the same coin.”

      Which was in response to that horrifying Advent Calendar piece from last winter. Toastiest because it’s the peak of my trembling awe and reverent terror at beholding the writing of Mallory Ortberg.

        1. zachariahary +2

          Aw jeez thanks! That is awful nice of you to say.
          Anytime anyone on here says something positive about my comments I feel like the cool kid from a 90s teen movie has unexpectedly high fived me in the hallway.

    18. dakimel +20

      My ego is enjoying this trek through my past comments. (My ego thinks I’m super clever.)

      I’m liking:

      6 weeks ago @ The Toast – Link Roundup! · 5 replies · +65 points
      Dear Sirs (or Madams – ha ha just kidding!),
      Attached please find my resume, which I am confident you will find meets every requirement you have for your opening for Manager of the Hedonist Division.
      I have long been intrigued by your company’s motto: Super Omnia Cupiunt. In bringing my own hedonism from the personal to the professional level, I have found, as I’m sure you have, that the accumulation of diverse desires is as important as the sheer quantities of desires fulfilled at all costs. Note that I am both a tantric expert, a graduate of Le Cordon Bleu, and a rising Parkour YouTube sensation. I can truly bloviate about a vast range of desires, and my skills in this area will help DoucheBros, Inc., reach 2,200,000 on the Scoville scale.
      Yours,
      Randy

      and also I went back to the early days to see if any of it still made sense and this was from Mallory making fun of David Gilmour re: Virginia Woolf which is well worth a reread.

      142 weeks ago @ The Toast – The Life of Virginia W… · 0 replies · +19 points
      Well, sure, once you’ve traversed the plains of allegorical menstrual pads and scaled the hillocks of My God These Mountains Look Like Boobs I Should Write A Book Comparing Nature To Sex And Be Sure Nature Seems Better Than Women In The End, you’re bound to fall in the the abyss of inter-linguistic dumbfuck remarks.

      All the maps say so.

    19. rebeccalibrarian +8

      This is an entertaining question. I haven’t been commenting long – found this place way too late!

      But I am waffling between
      “Quite fittingly I am eating cheese as I read this (though not toasted, alas)”

      or

      “all the yes. Faramir is my one really massive major complaint about the movies #bookFaramirforever”

    22. rkfire +21

      There’s this:
      Image and video hosting by TinyPic

      The others tend to be heartfelt and earnest personal anecdotes ^^;

    23. VioletandIrises +13

      I think if we’re talking about the spirit of the comment, it would be this one:

      13 weeks ago @ The Toast – Link Roundup! · 8 replies · +69 points
      Can there be a default Toast end-of-days plan where we all just meet up in the forest somewhere and live in a giant blanket fort? We can each take on various duties. I’m willing to be the unwitting scout who goes off to gather firewood and narrowly misses being attacked by a bear.

      This was a close second:

      24 weeks ago @ The Toast – Link Roundup! · 2 replies · +50 points
      Cumberbatch fatigue sounds like an illness 18th century “physicians” would have invented.

        1. MissBadcrumble +2

          What post is this from? I’m guessing it’s a “Women being ………….. in western art history”!

          1. MopRocks +5

            It was actually on a particularly delightful Bargain Bin when a commenter revealed that they made such mugs and a second commenter, from the same city, was trying to convince them to leave a few in a meadow somewhere.

    25. Scared_Vagina +16

      “Oh deleted commenter, honey, you’re only lying to yourself.”

      ETA: no wait, in response to someone commenting “#banallmen”:
      “I read this as ‘banal men’ to begin with, which, yeah.”

      NO WAIT this takes the cake: “Oh Donne. So much God, and so much dicks.”

    27. afenbert +6

      “HER HUMAN FATHER MURDERED HER WOLF FATHER.

      Amaroq, may you play with Rontu in literary dog heaven.”

      When Jaya caught up on Julie of the Wolves.

    28. Alluvial_Fan +6

      Toast-est: Your personal style can best be described as “librarian up to no good.” Sounds about right.

      Most popular: I am Cthulu tho.

    29. whollyword +12

      “Hello, Toasties! I’ve been deeply confused that my last couple of Amazon ‘We think you’d like these books’ e-mails have recommended Ayn Rand to me, despite not purchasing or browsing any of Rand’s work from Amazon (or, frankly, any other bookseller or library). And then I realized: this has only happened since I turned off Ad Block and Ghostery for The Toast. To which I have to say:

      She’s constantly confusing, confounding the data analysts
      Everyone give it up for America’s favorite writing mischievist
      MALLORY”

      1. MopRocks +11

        I’M TAKING THESE COMMENTORS ON TRIPS THROUGH THEIR BRAINS, MAKIN’ SURE THAT THEY KNOW I LOVE TRAINS!

    30. bookwormV +5

      This might not be the Toastest one, but is possibly one of the most entertaining out of context:

      “Slytherins have two penises, is what I’m getting from this.”

    32. fenixdawn +4

      Mine was probably when I posted a picture of a raclette maker I bought for my little sister with the comment “And let me tell you . . . having your own personal melted tray of cheese is the way to live your best life.” Cheese + love + living your best life = The Toast.

    33. dreamingintrees +4

      Mine is:

      We’re all too witches for men’s kisses, here

      On Women Enjoying Heterosexual Kisses in Western Art History

  25. bananakarenina +53

    Toast! I have not commented in quite some time due to workplace internet restrictions 🙁 but today is my birthday and I took the day off!!! I am going to lunch and then a private tango lesson (!!!) with someone who is very dear to me, and then getting a late happy hour with friends and Mr. bananakarenin. The sun is shining, the dress I’m wearing is the best shade of ocean blue, and I was able to comment on the OT!! I’d post a fun celebratory gif but I literally *just* learned how to do that in gmail, so.

    Also, just wanted to say thank you to the Toast for being the best corner of the internet, always 🙂

    1. Scotch_n_Stata +4

      A fellow tanguera! How long have you been dancing? I was invited to a semi-private lesson last week, and it was very flattering and informative. But because my work is currently so intense, it is getting a little sad to turn down approximately 4 tango-related invitations per week.

      Tell me your tango journey! How did you get started and what do you like most about it?

      1. bananakarenina +1

        I am very very very new to tango, actually! As in: my first lesson was today, haha. Long story short: the friend who set up the lesson and I did a musical together recently and discovered that we make very good dance partners (he had taken more salsa/ballroom/swing, I had done more swing/musical theater partnering, but we worked together really well) and we both expressed an interest in tango, as neither one of us had real experience and would like to try something new together. So he set up the lesson as a semi-surprise birthday present! I really enjoyed the lesson, especially learning to essentially move as one body, if that makes sense, and communicating with your partner using the movement vocabulary. Very cool. I hope we get the chance to attend a class or group, though i hear you on work (and life in general) being intense.

        I know it’s late in the day, but I would love to hear your journey/what you love about it as well if you have the time 🙂

        1. Scotch_n_Stata +3

          I’d be happy to share my tango story! Buckle in!

          So I intensely studied ballet for 15 years, and basically decided that I did not want to pursue it professionally (as I saw a lot of role models with injuries and eating disorders, and that scared me). So by the time I was going to college, it seemed my ballet options had narrowed to either a) adult classes that were altogether too casual and didn’t culminate in a performance, or b) a string of auditions where I was competing against dancers who were full-time ballerinas.

          So I quit ballet, and decided to try something new. I joined my college’s competitive ballroom dance team, since it provided the elements of dance I was still interested in: performance, intense practice and refinement of technique, and zero hip movement (I competed in the International Standard category). It was fun to learn a new style, although the first year everyone could immediately guess my ballet background, and I worked hard to reset my posture and movement quality.

          Then I graduated college, and I couldn’t find a non-college ballroom dance team. Again, I saw people that competed nationally as an amateur, and taught ballroom dance classes as a career, and others that took an infinite string of classes with no performance goals in mind.

          So I sought another dance style. I tried swing and salsa, and didn’t enjoy them too much. I felt like I was constantly getting hit on at salsa classes, and I didn’t feel a lot of pressure to refine my technique. Swing classes could be fun, but I was annoyed at inexperienced leaders attempting to lift me, and there wasn’t a large enough swing community in my area to have many IRL swing dances.

          So I found tango, and I have never looked back. I love the music, and the movements (that do not in any way involve hips) are lovely, and offer infinite opportunity to refine my technique and learn new steps. I also like the strong performative aspect of the dance – many people have specific “tango clothes” for milongas that they would never dream of wearing outside: corsets, slinky black dresses, etc. It feels wonderful to have a superhero-like secret persona, to explore my sexier side, and to not feel unsafe or objectified (you’ll notice in a milonga that most men are looking at your feet to determine if they want to dance with you, even if you are wearing next to nothing else).

          There are also certain features of tango community that I tend to enjoy. Although the dance is perceived as incredibly sensual, most tangueros are pretty nerdy, obsessive, detail-oriented people. I know almost no one who is able to casually tango. Either you take a few classes and drift out of the game, or you start going multiple times a week, flying to special workshops, stockpiling stilettos, and dreaming of Buenos Aires. This insular passion means that there communities of tango nerds almost everywhere. I have danced tango on five continents, and tend to look up milongas in the places where I vacation. I have also danced in places where I did not understand a word of the local language, which was fine, since the invitation to dance is nonverbal, so no verbal communication is really necessary or at times desired.

          Anyway, I know this is unpardonably long at this point, but essentially, tango fits my obsessive personality and my aesthetic desires perfectly. Take some time to check out a milonga in your area (even if just to watch), and see if it might be something you want to become obsessed with.

      1. bananakarenina +1

        Thank you muchly 😀 😀 It has been absolutely perfect so far and it’s only 7pm!

  26. AliceIsHopeless +87

    Toasts, THIS GIRL got an “exceptional” (quoth my tutor) first for her BA. I celebrated by making a tiny vegetable garden, going to Sweden, and proposing for a conference. I’m also currently making fancy black beans and planning some rye bread that takes a week to make.
    How are you succeeding and feeding?

    1. geekcrackteam +3

      Woop! Congratulations!

      I’m very jealous of you going to Sweden, how long are you going for?

    4. bookwormV +1

      Wow, congratulations! And those celebratory activities all sound great. Tell me more about the black beans, please!

  27. literarysara +16

    Inspired by the Oregon Trail thread this morning, how about a

    VIDEO GAMES OF THE 80S AND 90S thread!

    We had an Apple 2e when I was a kid, and later upgraded to an Apple 2 GS, which blew our minds with its improved graphics. Among the games I remember playing and loving:

    Alice in Wonderland and Below the Root, both by Windham classics, which were like very early platformers but based on children’s books.

    Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves and Return of Heracles, Turn-based RPG with a party of rogues and warriors who also happen to be characters from the stories of legend.

    I was huge into all the various Carmen Sandiego iterations, obvs, but I also got seriously into this weird game called Cross Country USA where you are a truck driver carrying goods all over the United States. It’s edutainment, so I think you’re supposed to learn about the United States that way, but I was OBSESSED because it was one of the more environmentally immersive games of its time: you’re looking out through your windshield, you can see the countryside pass by, you see if it’s raining or snowing, you can turn the radio on and hear music, etc.

    And I also played that text game where you are in a maze of twisty little passages, but I was terrible at it.

    1. StiffyByng +12

      My brothers all pretty much learned English from Sierra games. Stuff like King’s Quest and Hero’s Quest – my parents were forever chill wrt computer games after they witnessed my brothers struggle through typing in “take knife” with the correct spelling (although they pronounced kuh-nee-feh for quite a while)

      My jam (I think at age four) was Mixed Up Morher Goose. I downloaded it again recently and was completely shocked by how slow your little pixel character moves

      1. OliviaPJones +3

        I loved that game! I played it over and over and my favorite thing was just to walk around and explore the world.

      2. katerkins +4

        Mixed Up Mother Goose! I had completely forgotten about it until you mentioned it. That my was my favorite game! (Other than Math Blaster and Reader Rabbit). Whenever I think of nursery rhymes still I picture the Mixed Up Mother Goose scene that went with them

      3. fenixdawn +1

        I distinctly remembering trying to figure out how to spell “Graham” (an h in the middle, what???)

    3. irreverantontheinternet +15

      Obviously Oregon Trail! And then one with a little green dude who did math and the bad guys were troggles?

      and a game called Dinosaur Safari which I’ve been searching for for yeaaars with no luck.

      And these are a little more 90s-00s but Zoombinis and Pharaoh were great games that I still sometimes play.

      1. DoubtfulGuest +6

        Number Munchers! I had forgotten all about that one until you said “troggles”.

    4. LacaunaKale +13

      We had all of the Commander keen games. I was really bad at them, but the older brother of my neighborhood friend was a natural. (Yes, young people, having a home computer use to be enough of a novelty that the neighbors would come over to use it)

      Where in time is Carmen Sandiego was my jam until we got internet. Then there was a weekly updated Carmen Sandeigo game/chat room on Prodigy.

      1. catweazlol +3

        The first time I heard of the Talking Heads was in a clue in a Carmen Sandiego game. That’s really all I remember about it.

      2. Theo_Winterwood +6

        I had the first Commander Keen game! I never managed to finish all the levels and get home to earth, so I guess I’ve left a poor ten-year-old in a football helmet stranded on Mars for the last, oh . . . twenty years or so.

        . . . Wow, I’m old.

        We also had Crystal Caves, which was about a miner collecting crystals on–I assume–some kind of alien planet. It looked like this and this. It was not easy on the eyes.

        2. inkwashed +4

          oh yeah crystal caves! this era in gaming was the only era I ever participated in so I’m so vaguely nostalgic now. was there one about lemmings, too?

          1. katerkins +3

            Yes, it was called Lemmings. They remade it and it was terrible. It’s all about the pixely green hair dance of the original

          2. mydonkeyfeet +2

            Oh goodness, Lemmings. There was a happy song that will always be in my head. I would sing it for you if you were here.

      4. sausagedog +5

        Commander Keen!

        My brother’s… 6th birthday party? was Commander Keen themed. My mom made a pinata shaped like one of the blue baddies.

      5. radiantsqui3d +2

        My Dad used to play Commander Keen when my sister and I were still to small to play. I only remember a teleportation device one had to use somewhere on the level map thingy.

      6. literarysara +3

        Yesss. We got most of our computer games used from somewhere but my mom picked up a few reference books–almanacs, atlases, things that would have flags and state capitals and things in them. It’s so strange to think about those being our primary resources not so long ago!

    5. jlper +12

      Did you ever play Zoombinis? It was one of the games that was allowed on my elementary school’s computers because it was “educational” and I liked it so much I got my mom to buy it for me at home.

      I also remember Zookeeper, and I spent way too much time playing Age of Empires.

      1. StiffyByng +3

        When I had just started dating my boyfriend, he remembered zoombinis from when he was a kid, and I managed to track down a terrible version. We spent way too much time hanging out and going on that logical journey. Holds up

        1. rangiferina +6

          LEMMINGS! I can’t believe I forgot about that one. I loved the music soooo much.

          1. literarysara +4

            Such good music on Lemmings! One of the only places outside of piano lessons I had heard Rondo alla Turca.

      3. catweazlol +3

        OH MY GOD I forgot about Zoombinis. I played that sooooo much. I mainly remember making pizzas.

      4. radiantsqui3d +3

        I played Age of Empires all the time! I also cheated a lot and kept killing my bronze age opponents with laser guns, because I was more interested in building and collecting stuff than in those pesky enemies who for some reason never let me alone. 😀

        1. bookwormV +1

          I loved Age of Empires, although I never really did campaigns, just Random Map. I also loved getting to design my own world. (My boyfriend has bought me Age of Empires I, II and III over the course of our relationship, and it is a great trip down memory lane.)

          I also did quite a lot of cheats. Sports cars are completely acceptable things to have in the Bronze Age!

    6. catweazlol +10

      Storybook Weaver was my jam. My friends and I would write these really dada-esque stories and print them out and bring them to school to show off. I definitely remember showing one of them to our middle school principal and he got really excited because one of the backdrops we used was a cemetery where apparently the names on the graves were characters in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly and after that he would always try to convince us to watch that movie. I’m pretty sure he even mentioned it during the morning announcements over the intercom once? He was a weird dude.

      Also there was a game called American Girls Premiere which was like Storybook Weaver except you got to have American Girls put on a play. So you would use sets and props from the books but write all the dialogue and it would be read back to you in a robot voice. You could choose different accents and pitches and stuff and because we were preteens my friend and I lost our shit when we realized the British robot voice pronounced “party” like “potty” and incorporated that into all of our productions.

    7. sausagedog +7

      Yes oh my gosh. My parents were early adapters to the computer scene (they got a computer instead of going on a real honeymoon) so my brother and I grew up on all sorts of semi-educational computer games. I still kind of love the aesthetic– they were all primary colors and shadows, creepy in a way I can’t quite place. Commander Keen and Jazz Jackrabbit were two “action” games. On the more educational side: Dr. Brain, Freddie Fish and Putt-Putt, the Reader Rabbit games, Math Blasters…I just barley remember so many of these, but they were a big part of childhood!

      Oh, and Zoombinis, which is still great, I bought the iPad reboot. It’s way too easy for adult sausagedog but god what a well-designed game.

      1. Little_Mouse +2

        My dad was the same-he said he subscribed to some sort of educational game service? We did a lot of Jump Start and ClueFinders. I remember getting hopelessly stuck in PuttPutt travels through time … no online walkthroughs at that point; it had to go unfinished.

        1. bonetailor +2

          YAS Jump Start! Considering my mom’s aversion to things that might rot one’s brain (see: video games, cable TV, junk food), those games were a happy compromise. My favorite one was the Jump Start 5th grade because of the art history and archeology puzzles… I also played a lot of math blasters, and yet I was still placed in the remedial 5th grade math class.

          1. Little_Mouse +3

            So, I think I missed Jump Start 5th grade, but I played a ton of Jump Start 4th grade, to the point where I think I finished the game and saved all the kids! But it totally freaked me out and I often had to play with a friend or with the sound off. I looked up the wiki entry just now and turns out they discontinued it because it was too scary and made a new 4th grade one!

    9. Lizardskingirl +7

      My dad used to buy us a lot of shareware CDs, so I played a bits and pieces of a lot of weird games but my favorite was Hocus Pocus. I was always bummed that I couldn’t find the full game anywhere.

    10. dianaalark +8

      I almost obsessively played a game called the Yukon Trail, which is only kinda like the Oregon trail but your goal is to get gold in the Yukon by picking a claim and hiking there from Seattle. There’s rivers and avalanches and two of the four characters were GIRLS, one of which was Native American and just fantastic!

      1. angrypedestrian +4

        I brought this up in Link Roundup this morning! I LOVED Yukon Trail and played it far more than Oregon Trail.

    11. logicbutton +6

      I always liked Number Munchers.

      My mom bought Myst when it got popular, but I was really too young for it. I was finally able to complete it a few years back when I got the 3DS port. I can’t recomment the port – it was clunky and parts of it were broken – but am glad I got to play it.

      1. kitwings +7

        My dad bought us Myst in what must have been approximately 1994 to play on our poor, abused 486 Gateway. We could NOT figure it out and finally gave up…years later I found out it had audio directions, and that computer didn’t have a sound card. This may be why I’ve never been able to interest myself in games to this day.

        1. logicbutton +10

          Oh MAN, no, you can’t get anywhere in Myst without sound. One of the levels is even built entirely around sounds. Actually, playing it in the 2010s got me thinking about how much the culture of video game development seems to have shifted toward increased accessibility. I don’t think I’ve ever played a modern game that required players to interpret sounds to succeed, even rhythm games where sound is the whole point; they all have visual components. But not Myst! Myst also requires you to do a lot of reading, most of which is of text on low-contrast backgrounds or in hard-to-read handwriting fonts – if you have a visual impairment or aren’t so good at reading in English, you’re screwed. I’ve never seen anything like that in games from the last ten, fifteen years.

    12. elsajeni +2

      I played a really great game called Lands of Lore as a kid, and last year sometime I discovered I could download it and its sequel from GoG for like $4! So I did, and it turns out:
      1) This game is REALLY HARD, or else I have somehow gotten worse at video games since I was 11, because I used to be able to get to the room that spins you around every time you take a step and now I can only get to the tower full of fucking unkillable ghosts
      2) Also the sequel is incomprehensible and sucks, but oh well, I would have happily paid $4 just for the first game so it was basically free.

      1. elsajeni +8

        Look at this sad thumbs-up-less comment, I REALLY AM the only person who remembers this game. IT’S REALLY GOOD, YOU GUYS! PATRICK STEWART VOICES THE KING! IT’S LITERALLY $1.50 ON GOG RIGHT NOW YOU SHOULD PLAY IT!

    13. sprinkles6 +6

      It was way too much fun to google the names for all of the educational computer games of the 90s (the only ones I was allowed to play). I loved Supersolvers Treasure Mountain, Kid Pix, Jumpstart Typing, Carmen Sandiego, and Dr. Brain. My absolute favorite was Cluefinders.

      Up until about 5 years ago, my parents had a terrible old computer in the basement that still ran windows 98. My sisters and I could sometimes get Zoombinis or Cluefinders to load and it was excellent.

      1. katerkins +3

        Dr. Brain was my jam! I feel like it’s one of those games that most people have never heard of. Treasure Mountain was amazing (the music!), so I was very jealous of my cousins that had the sequel where the whole mountain was covered in snow.

    14. jlper +2

      Not quite a video game, but this thread reminded me of the existence of Alter Aeon, which it turns out is still around! I kind of miss MUDs.

    15. literarysara +7

      Ah I just remembered another one! As a preteen I used to go over to a friend’s house and play SimAnt on her dad’s computer. Not sure what kind of computer it was–early Apple, but something newer than the GS I had at home at the time.

      I was obsessed with SimAnt for years and finally found a copy for the Super NES I inherited from my brother as a teenager.

      1. sausagedog +10

        Oh my gosh, early Sim games! SimCity, SimTown… Sim…. gosh, what else did they have? There were so many and yet I barely remember them.

    16. LeighTX +2

      I am old and also my dad is a geek, so instead of the Atari gaming system all my friends had we owned an Atari computer on which you could play games from floppy disks. My dad, also being a pirate (LOL), traded floppy disks with his friends so we ended up with games no one else I knew had, like Miner 49er and Jumpman. They were super fun once we figured out how to play them–no instruction manuals!

    17. Annie

      I loved those education games like school solvers and those grade-based ones with the frog. They’re just so fun and cheery! We played a ton of them even years afterward.

      I also really miss Cyberstorm. Best turn-based strategy game I’ve played, even going up against Alpha Centauri, etc. GOG.com needs to hurry up and get the early Windows Sierra games released.

    18. Angelan_ +2

      we had a sega saturn in the 90’s. I think we might have been the only people who bought one!

    19. coaltarepoxy +3

      Cross Country Canada! Same as Cross Country USA, I guess, but Canada. I seem to remember having to make sure the truck’s tires had chains to get up to make a delivery in Churchill.

      1. literarysara +4

        I remember being so annoyed by having to sleep in motels along the route, but if you don’t sleep, the screen would go all hazy and you would crash. Which I sometimes did on purpose because it was very visually striking, but I never forgot how dangerous it is to go without sleep!

        Not sure if that is the lesson they meant to impart but…

    20. shellygrrl +4

      I hearted Carmen Sandiego. And of course Oregon Trail.

      There was another one I played later on in high school, that I cannot remember the name of, that involved having to solve a murder mystery at a beach house. I never finished it.

    21. fiddlergirl +5

      ZORK NEMESIS, anyone else?? I played Zork Grand Inquisitor first, loved it, and jumped into Nemesis thinking it would be more of the silly adventure stuff. WRONG. Grand Inquisitor was good but Nemesis was so creepy and atmospheric and amazing 😀

      My mom would hang out with me while I was playing it and give me hints (I think she was reading a walkthrough?) and well, at one point in the game you have to go into a morgue and decapitate a body and do something with the head, and she advised me to keep the headless body in my inventory for the rest of the game because she thought I’d need it later. I didn’t. I still remind her of how because of her I had to constantly CLICK REAL FAST to cycle past the useless headless corpse anytime I needed something from my inventory.

    22. lemonack +4

      Does anyone remember a game called Math for the Real World? The premise was that you were part of a band on tour, and there were math sections on the road, and little rhythm game sections when you got to a town you had a show in. I adored some of the songs in it and as a result was quite good at fractions for a while.

    23. jimmyjimjimjim +3

      Just to +1 on the Cross Country USA love because that game doesn’t get enough recognition.

    24. hummingrose +3

      Apple IIe and Apple IIGS owner here! The two games I spent hours on were Space Eggs (a Space Invaders-type game) and David’s Midnight Magic, which was pinball. I racked up seriously high scores on both of those.

      I also solved the international Carmen Sandiego, but never really got into the US version.

    25. mydonkeyfeet +5

      We had all the Sierra games, from the first Kings Quest onward – Space Quest, Police Quest, the Laura Bow mysteries (loved those! And female protagonist!) And then we were blown away by The 7th Guest. Did anyone else play that? I think it was the first game we played that had video of actual humans, and you could walk and move and look around in 360 degrees, and it was a mystery with riddles and puzzles. We played Myst shortly after, but I never got as hooked into it as I did with 7th Guest.

      Also Monkey Island! And the Indiana Jones games.

      2. fenixdawn +3

        I absolutely remember 7th guest! And its sequel, 11th Hour. I remember them both being incredibly spooky, and being just slightly too old for my sisters and I. I remember my Dad playing them actually, because he had developed the extraordinarily genius ruse that it was fun to watch him playing computer games (tbh, watching someone else play video games remains incredibly relaxing for me). We would also “map” for him, which was also a pretty genius move (here’s some graph paper kiddo, make a map while I play). Anyway, the protagonist’s name in 11th hour had the same name as my dad, and whenever you did something wrong the game would say “that’s not it Karl,” which we then said to our dad for years.

        1. mydonkeyfeet +2

          Haha, I forgot about the character being named Karl! My brothers had a friend named Carl and they would quote lines at him too. (We played both games, and now I get them kind of mixed up.) I also did more just watching them play than playing myself. My one brother with the least artistic ability in the family was also the one who was most into computers, and he made quite good maps of the games too, with graph paper and colored pencils. It was pretty impressive. It was so fun to play all together because we all had ideas and different amounts of knowledge. I remember I solved this puzzle:
          “A distant, ancient Castle Keep,
          this famous Prince a place to sleep,
          To sleep, perchance to dream,
          of an upset teagarden indochine.”

          Because I was all into Shakespeare and Hamlet. (The answer was a Great Dane picture, which also is what you get if you “upset” the letters of “teagarden.”)

          I also solved the one where they had to cut the cake into equal sized pieces each including a skull and a gravestone and maybe a blank green icing one? because even though I’m the girl of our trio, I have awesome spatial skills. I’m just going to say the best. I have the best spatial skills.

          Oh they were so spooky and fun! But yeah, some of it was NSFKids.

    26. depizan +2

      My favorite was a text-based Swiss Family Robinson game. http://www.myabandonware.com/game/swiss-family-ro… It was so pedantic, if you didn’t type in the command exactly how they wanted it, it rejected it. Also, you had to take that little shit Fritz with you on your quest for food. And he would either get eaten by pythons, or fall into quicksand, or else just stand there while you had to harvest all the food or kill the attacking animals or whatever. In retrospective, I’m not sure why I loved it so much. Maybe because it was so frustrating and took so long that made me determined to beat it.

      Also popular in my house: Klax, Qbert, Jumpman, Frogger, Headline Harry (a little like Carmen Sandiego, in this one you were a reporter trying to solve mysteries), and Archon.

    27. bookwormV +1

      I vaguely remember some games from when I was very young that were all educational – I’m sure there was one that involved frogs hopping between lilypads which required the player to do basic arithmetic probles. At primary school I think we had some sort of adventure game where you had to type things in; there may have been a rocket involved. I loved, for some reason, an animated storybook version of The Lion King we had on CD-ROM (a playthrough has been put up on Youtube, to my nostalgic joy). When I was a bit older we had Tomb Raider, but all I ever did was the training stuff in Lara Croft’s mansion, exploring her house, doing the obstacle course in the garden and, of course, locking the butler into the walk-in freezer.

      1. bookwormV +1

        Oh, and Catz! I played it so much and I loved it; I have really strong, visceral memories of just what it looked and sounded like.

    28. fenixdawn +4

      I CANNOT BELIEVE I MISSED THIS THREAD. For work. Pshaw.

      Belatedly, let me say how excited I am that you mentioned Alice in Wonderland and Below the Root both of which I LOVED SO HARD. I never quite understood Below the Root when I was young, and when I looked it up years later as an adult, I was astonished at just how totally weird it was (and no wonder my child self did not quite get it). Anyway, I found Below the Root magical and haunting in a way that I still think about now and again.

      I also loved the King’s Quest games. My sisters and I were particularly obsessed with King’s Quest 3, but we couldn’t get the game to advance so we just spent all our time dodging the wizard and collecting spell ingredients. Little did we know that there was a giant printed game manual that included a spell book, and without it you didn’t know how to make any spells. We played it for hours even though we were literally missing a huge chunk of the game, and therefore just wandered around like idiots. As adults, we replayed it with the spellbook, and our final defeat of the evil wizard was ENORMOUSLY satisfying.

      The other big game of my youth was a Commodore 64 game called Dragon’s Den. It was very simple, and had an awesome and extremely catchy song during one of the levels that we just called “the dragon song” for many years. Imagine my surprise when I heard a full orchestral version of the song, which, as it turns out, is Marche Militaire, by Schubert. It is still the dragon song to me.

      Oh, and a shout out to Guybrush Threepwood, mighty pirate.

      1. mydonkeyfeet +3

        Was Kings Quest 3 the one where you were a slave to the wizard? (And I think you escape by turning him into a cat by making a cat hair cookie?) I was very proud of myself in that one as well because I was the one who found the magic map behind his clothes in the closet. I thought to look there because my sister had a secret poster of Bon Jovi in her closet behind her clothes.

        I probably didn’t actually contribute all that much to my brothers’ game playing, (which is why those few things I solved stick so strongly in my memory), but that’s also in part because they were older and more obsessed than me and they were the ones who bought the games and they refused to share except for very very tiny moments. That’s also why 7th Guest was exciting, because the puzzles were harder and I was older (maybe 15) and my brain was getting to be a match for theirs.

        But then they gave me the Laura Bow games, and those were MINE, and they were so fun, and my brothers had to watch ME play them. Did you play those? They were Sierra too, The Colonel’s Bequest (murder in an old spooky mansion) and The Dagger of Amon Ra (murder in a museum), both set in the 1920s, so fun!

        1. fenixdawn +3

          Yes, that’s the one! It is indeed the cat hair cookie. You finally turn him into a cat, and it is The Best. I love that obviously the closet is where one keeps both magic maps and also secret Bon Jovi posters. That is wonderful.

          I never played the Laura Bow ones, which is both surprising and disappointing because those sound right up my alley. A lady solving murders in mansions and museums??? I love it already!! I will have to see if I can play it somehow online!

      2. literarysara +2

        Yessss at last, someone else who played Alice and Below the Root! I am not sure what I thought of Below the Root when I first played it, but I liked it enough that I went to the library and borrowed the now out-of-print trilogy by Zilpha Keatley Snyder (whose writing I already loved due to The Egypt Game). So the books and the game have gotten a little blurred in mind, but now that you mention it, I think I can remember a lot of “ohhhh that makes sense now” when replaying the game after reading the books.

        Some time ago I found an emulator and replayed the game on a Windows computer. This thread is definitely making me try that again.

  28. Pacific_Midwest +25

    Trying to plan a vacation with the funds I have been faithfully stashing away, like a go-all-out adventurous trip overseas. But every touring company rate that I’ve found is ‘based on double occupancy’ and I will be traveling alone. Has anyone gone with a tour company that either pairs you up with a roommate or is more geared towards single travellers (while not being a *singles* trip, if you know what I mean)? Would like it to be hiking/outdoorsy focused but I’m not opposed to museums/history/culture. Suggestions appreciated!

    Happy Pride weekend & Happy Juneteenth!

    1. kellrowland +1

      I love Intrepid Travel! They are geared towards solo adventure travelers. I’ve done a bunch of trips with them solo and they were super fun and laid back.

    1. theburnersmydestination +3

      When I grow rich.

      Man I wish one of these was happening near me!

    2. HotDoom +2

      Gaaaah I’m SO SAD I’m missing this AND the last day of The Toast! I’ll be out of the country and without internet with a couple of objectively terrible people (and a few lovely ones) and knowing the Toast is packing up while that’s happening will be such a bummer 🙁

        1. HotDoom +2

          thaaaaaank yoooou Selma! Guzzle the dranks and eat the snacks! <3

          P.s. I need to get my act together and come up from Brighton sometime to visit y’all toasts in Lahdan one of these days.

    3. Peanutcheese +5

      I want to go to this!

      But also I’m terrible in social situations and I don’t want to feel awkward but also it’s Toasties so I mean on some level we’re all probably marginally awkward around new people, right?

      1. geekcrackteam +3

        COME! Trust me when I say, its the most Toast friendly venue you can imagine, Its basically just a flat that you pay to hang out in. There’s tea pots and books and board games!

        The meets ups we’ve had so far have been really fun, I’m hugely socially anxious and I really enjoyed it. We’re all awkward and weird and there will be cake.

        You can’t say no to cake.

      2. bookwormV +2

        That is exactly how I am currently feeling about it. I hope that Toast people will all be awkward and bookish and nice, but the though of going is still scary.

  30. ppyajunebug +182

    ONE WEEK UNTIL I DEFEND MY PHD

    PLEASE TO BE SENDING ALL THE GOOD VIBES AND CHEERFUL GIFS TO GET ME THROUGH

  31. Cannikin_MK3 +13

    I’ve survived another week of the hot/cold routine with my roommate and I’m still in good spirits. Things were pretty awkward in the last day and I didn’t get even a hug on the way out the door this morning, but then we talked about it and it seems cool now. It’s awkward because they touched my junk but they wouldn’t let me touch their junk, so yeah. I’m in it for the long slog, one way or the other.

    1. redheadedwolf +8

      Oh man, that sounds like a majorly awkward roommate situation. Best of luck finding some stability.

  32. chiaroscuromom +10

    Books! Reading!

    I have the last in the Pratchett/Baxter The Long Earth series, and after not having time all week I am so looking forward to reading this weekend.

    I believe this is also the last Pratchett book to be published, and that makes me sad. There are, finally, no more waiting for me to look forward to. 🙁

    1. SmrtCookie +23

      I’m about to start Good Omens at the advice of pretty much everyone. I’ve never read it before, and I’ve never read any Prachett but I’m tentatively optimistic.

      1. chiaroscuromom +5

        I will admit that Good Omens is not my favorite Pratchett, but if you like Gaiman it’s as good a place to start as any.

        I like to start people with The Wee Free Men (if you like YA), Equal Rites, or Mort. You might consider one of these if you’re not completely sold on Good Omens.

    2. annecara +10

      I just finished Sisters in Law: How Sandra Day O’Connor and Ruth Bader Ginsburg Went to the Supreme Court and Changed the World and it was amazing, and I have so much respect for those two awesome ladies. They make me want to change the world.

      1. Heathered +7

        I loved that book! Great reminder that even people who disagree significantly can learn from one another and foster positive change.

    3. colleentie +12

      I’m in the middle of the Inheritance Trilogy by N K Jemison! I just finished the second book, it’s my first fantasy series I’ve read in a while, and I’d love recommendations for more! (esp non like.. dude focused ones).

      1. Annie +6

        Elizabeth Moon’s Deed of Paksenarrion. Best epic fantasy I’ve ever read (come at me bros, I can back this opinion up all day), and I’ve read a ton. Very well thought-out, female hero and a gender-equal society, lots of different kinds of religions and takes on morality and life. Plus, really, really good epic quest. The followup series, Paladin’s Legacy, has some of the best actually-not-human elves and gnomes.

        There’s also really good book set in Carribean mythology that I’m trying to find, but I can’t remember the title. I think it’s something like ‘Study in Indigo’? I’ll comment if I remember it.

        Andre Norton is my go-to for competent, intelligent female heroes + varied female cast (none of this token female crap) + detailed and intricate fantasy world. I particularly like Year of the Unicorn, Scent of Magic and Key of the Keplian. The original Witch World trilogy is also really good – 2/3 a male hero, but a cast full of varied characters that includes a lot of good female characters.

      2. Notreallydorine +5

        V.E. Schwab’s Shades of Magic series is also good, but only 2 of the 3 have been published so far. Also, if you haven’t read Jemisin’s The Fifth Season, I would definitely recommend it, too. The second book in that series comes out in August.

    4. lizzythecat +2

      Lost Stars by Claudia Gray is my current jam. Pretty YA but Star Wars-y YA is good!

    5. rangiferina +4

      I just started The Ballad of Black Tom by Victor LaValle – enjoying it so far, so thanks to the Toastie who recommended it a few weeks ago!

    6. ConcinnityB +4

      I cried a LOT halfway through the Shepherd’s Crown, but the rest of it left me kind of ‘eh’ – as does most of the Long Earth? Like, the IDEAS are really interesting, but the characters are kind of dull and the plot always seems to build to a crescendo that could be super interesting before it’s snatched away again. It always worked best for me as a travellogue of interesting ideas rather then an actual novel.

    7. themegnapkin +5

      I recently finished the Silk and Song trilogy, about Macro Polo’s (fictional) granddaughter travelling the Silk Road by Dana Stabenow. I picked up the first book (Everything Under the Heavens) because it was free on Kindle and loved it, the second two books (By the Shores of the Middle Sea and The Land Beyond) are reasonably priced and really awesome, too. These books hit me squarely in my sweet spot–swashbuckling adventures in a fascinating place/time.

    8. Hadrosaur +6

      I just finished reading the last book of the Inheritance Trilogy by NK Jemisin. I thought the ending was really good, and Dekarta is cool.

      Now I’m reading Angela Davis’ autobiography, which is awesome, and ‘Four’ (the Divergent prequel) by Veronica Roth.

    9. OliviaPJones +8

      We are moving in less than two weeks away from our excellent library system (*sniff*) so I am reading my face off. Currently I am reading a gun book by Lisa Mason about a Chinese feminist from the future that time travels to 1890s San Francisco.

    10. literarysara +7

      Ugh I just re-read The Sun Also Rises. I remember enjoying it the first time! And I did enjoy some of it this time, but dang, once you get used to reading excellent contemporary fiction it is really hard to go back to standard-issue wartime racism and sexism and anti-semitism.

      I’m here to glean suggestions for palate cleansers.

      1. LadyBertilak +1

        One of the only times I ever got in an argument w/ my favorite high school English teacher was about wether Brett was a sympathetic character or not so I feel you there. I’m not sure what your tastes are but my go to book suggestion is Dear Killer by Katherine Ewell. It is YA, I don’t know if that’s a problem for you or not, but it’s about a girl who’s mother trains her to be a serial killer and I picked it up Bc it sounded like the kind of trashy crime stuff I loved but it was /really emotional/ and poignant.

    11. aqueousmedium +5

      Just finished Burglar’s Guide To The City by Geoff Manaugh, which was a really interesting take on the intersectionality of burglary/heists and architecture (though going through US Customs with that title in my bag provoked a little anxiety). It also referenced Marm Mandelbaum, who I read about for the first time last week on Atlas Obscura based on another Toastie’s recommendation, and now more than ever I want to read a full biography of that woman.

    12. PomoFrannyGlass +3

      I’m catching up on stuff I should have read as a youth and missed: Geek Love and The Princess Bride. Enjoying both very much.

    13. theviciouscircle1 +8

      i’m doing a small project where i’m trying to read a book written by a woman everyday so i’ve been reading A LOT, which i haven’t done pretty much since i was a kid. it’s definitely done wonders for my mood
      my recently reads are all up at readwomen365.tumblr.com

    14. breccia +3

      I just finished the Farseer trilogy by Robin Hobb. I enjoyed the first two but was really disappointed with the final installment. It felt like she wrote herself into a corner. And it’s always a gut-punch when an author develops a character you love and then gives them an out-of-character ending…

      1. cait0716 +2

        Man, that last book just went on and on and on. I spent a solid 250 pages thinking “where are the dragons? Do we get dragons yet?” and then they finally showed up for the final, anticlimactic 20 pages. I feel like the cover art lied to me.

        1. breccia +3

          I was actually put off by the dragons!! It felt like a weird fantasy cop-out… but then again I had an ebook so no cover to guide me!

          Yeah it really dragged. I was surprised when there wasn’t another round of Fitz being caught, tortured, and saved by a new group of people he’d eventually leave. Overall though I’m most upset about Burrich and Molly. Totally uncalled for. What a waste of two characters.

      2. Nerterology +2

        I think Robin Hobb is better at writing the first book of a trilogy than actually wrapping anything up. With both the Liveship Traders and Soldier Son trilogies, the first installment knocked my socks off and subsequent books were just kind of like “ehhhhh.” As such, I read Assassin’s Apprentice, loved it, and then never bothered with the rest of Farseer. No regrets.

        1. breccia +1

          Probably wise. I guess there are more book in the same universe/time but with other narrators, and I considered reading some but… the disappointing ending of her most well-known/well-received series doesn’t bode well for them…

        2. happysadcat +1

          I have a Robin Hobb question: did she write a book about a young woman who somehow finds herself in…a forest maybe? And she could do magic and it was crazy weird because in this place only men could do magic. Mostly what I remember was it was first person, she was dryly funny even when freaking out, and the a chapter was titled: “In Which I Do Not Eat a Rat.”
          Perhaps a different Robin author?

    15. cait0716 +1

      I just started Water for Elephants, which is enjoyable so far.

      But after this I only have one unread book on my shelf and I have plans with friends all weekend, so I can’t go buy more. I can’t remember the last time I was in this position.

    16. iosognodisonno +3

      I am finally nearing the end of Infinite Jest with my book group. It has been a long slog with some good discussions and moments, but I’m ready for the space in my life it will open to read things that are not quite so infinite and jesty.

      Also currently reading Birthday of the World (I may have that name slightly wrong) by LeGuin, which is good and in the same universe as Left Hand of Darkness but turns out I like hearing about the worlds/cultures she comes up with more in short story than novel form.

      Also started House of Psychotic Women last weekend, but I think I’m gonna try to watch at least a few of the movies mentioned in each chapter before I read the chapter so it will probably take me a very long time to read. Interesting so far.

      1. bookwormV +2

        I have been rereading/flicking through The Birthday of the World this week! It is lovely. I love experiencing the worlds LeGuin comes up with.

    17. hlmorris85 +4

      I’m finally tackling Winter, the last book of the Lunar Chronicles. It’s YA and fluffy and I just want all the Cress and Thorne kisses already, but it is *suuuuuuper* long, so it might take me a while longer.

      And I’ve had a really hard few weeks, so last night I accidentally started rereading Lynn Flewelling’s Nightrunner series, so there goes the rest of my summer.

    18. daisicles +6

      I’m getting ready to start the 4th Rivers of London book just as soon as the next library copy is available. I’m not sure if I like the books themselves or if I just like the concept and don’t find the writing too offputting, but either way I’ve been churning through them the past few weeks. (While wishing fervently for a little less detail on who the lead is attracted to today.)

      I’m also reading Arcadia by Iain Pears, which is promising so far but still just early days yet.

    19. sigaloenta +1

      I’m really good at starting books these days but not so good at finishing them!
      Anyway, my new start this week is Claire-Louise Bennett’s Pond, which is fiction (I think) with a hyper-aware slightly neurotic and obsessive narrator. So far she has obsessed about arranging fruit, unintentionally started a garden, and avoided a local-history day about her apartment complex. I don’t know what is happening, or if anything is going to happen, and I love it. It’s observations and sentences that are so familiar that they seem like deja vu from my own head.

    20. ectocool +7

      I’m almost done with Crush, an collection of essays about first celebrity crushes. (Roxane Gay’s chapter about Almanzo Wilder was featured in an LR last week.) I love reading/thinking about our consumptions of media as kids and the role that plays in shaping our identities, so this has given me all sorts of feelings about my own obsession with JTT.

      1. chiaroscuromom +2

        I didn’t even notice that piece was by Roxane! I need to pay closer attention.

    21. bookwormV +3

      I am reading An Equal Music by Vikram Seth and finding it massively dull. I really loved A Suitable Boy, so had high hopes, but it is almost nothing like it. The main thrust of the plot so far is the main character (male) pining over a woman he was in a relationship with ten years ago and then abandoned (he left Vienna, where they were both studying music, because the teacher was breaking his spirit, and maintained radio silence with her for months because he was Too Sad, and then was distressed that she never contacted him again). She has now turned up in his life again, he has stalked her a bit and keeps saying how he is still in love with her even though she is married with a child. Oh, and he has just discovered she is deaf, which is apparently horrible beyond belief (they are both musicians, so I can understand it, just) and a dark secret. I am underwhelmed.

      1. hummingrose +1

        I loved A Suitable Boy, and The Golden Gate leaves me in awe, but I never really got into his other books. That said, if A Suitable Girl is ever actually finished and published, I will be on it like a shot.

    22. si1verdrake +3

      I’m reading Empire Ascending, the second book in Kameron Hurley’s fantasy trilogy. It’s really good! And the second book goes way deeper into the awesome gender stuff in the world (the characters are human, but their societies all treat gender differently) and seems to be a faster read, now that I’ve got a handle on the setup. It’s also pretty dark, but less in a “I’m being gritty to be *mature*” sort of way like GRRM, more of a “let’s see how these people deal with only having terrible options at all points”.

    23. LadyBertilak +8

      I’m rereading the Chronicles of Narnia and am struck by /how young/ the Pensieve children were when they got drafted into this magic war in a world not their own and then got shrunk down back to children and retained their adult memories and searching in vain for fanfic that explores /how screwed up/ that is

      1. annecara +4

        I encourage you to check out dirgewithoutmusic’s Susan Pevensie series on Archive of Our Own! There’s also a series called (I think?) “Queen Susan in Tashbaan” that touches on that a lot as well.

    24. chiaroscuromom +1

      I’ve also got the audio of Home going in the car. This is the second in Marilynne Robinson’s Gilead series. I am surprised that I like this series way more than I was expecting to. And the narrator, Maggi-Meg Reed, just knocks everything out of the park. I have a lot of book left to go, but I’m intrigued to see whether we’re going to confront some of the issues we’ve been tiptoeing around so far.

    25. iwouldwalk500giles +3

      Gay Berlin by Robert Beachy, and Look, I made a Hat by Sondheim. Going to listen to Patricia Highsmith’s first Ripley book soon!

    26. nopemobile +2

      I just started reading the first volume of Hellcat by Kate Leth on the recommendation of a friend and so far I am utterly charmed. The art is adorable, there are queers (YES), and the tone is lighthearted without being smarmy.

      I also checked out Ancillary Justice from the library on the recommendation of a link in the article on the linguistics of gendered pronouns here, and I haven’t started it yet but am SUPER looking forward to a book from the point of view of an alien who struggles with the human concept of gender and assigns everyone she/her pronouns by default until forced to guess otherwise. Hopefully it’s as interesting and thoughtful as the excerpt I read made it seem!

    27. arachnidette +1

      I just finished Middlemarch and I’ve been going back and reading through all of the Toast threads on it. It definitely has added to the experience. Up next is a bunch of nonfiction.

  33. bread_and_roses +8

    This is a crazy emotional week for all kinds of reasons, and I expect next week to be more so. I have plans for making many decadent treats, but I’d love recs for escapist reading matter. Very into Captain America fanfic (Steve /Bucky, Steve/Sam, pretty much anything if it involves Steve), fun mysteries, sci fi, entertaining history, you name it. Hit me.

    1. Beakses +3

      When I go escapist, I do romances – Shelly Laurenston/ GA Aiken is my favorite because her books are so gleefully batshit (and she writes such great alpha female characters, of all variety of alpha female). The Gail Carringer Finishing School series is a delight if steampunk teen girls learning to poison people at finishing/ spy school is your sort of thing.

    2. Annie +2

      This You Protect by owlet is a great funny Avengers Steve-and-Bucky series. I’ll comment again with more, have to run now.

      If you like social comedies, Georgette Heyer’s Regency books are a nice cross of fluffy romantic adventure and PG Wodehouse – I especially like Cotillion and The Foundling. She also writes murder mysteries that are quite funny (avoid Cousin Kate and Penhallow, though). Miss Marple murder mysteries are a lot of fun.

      1. spookyholmes +2

        Seconding This You Protect….seriously awesome, funny, and at some point I cried.

  34. Anon4Now +5

    Sooo regular commenter logging in anonymously for what might be my first-ever advice thread.

    1. Anon4Now +2

      I have a good friend who moved across the country about a year ago with her husband. It has been a tough year for her, as they had their first baby and struggled emotionally and financially. I have not been much help–I’m broke as shit myself, and trying to finish my dissertation–and I wish I could be more present and supportive than the occasional phone call or care package, but I can’t.

      So it’s June. I’m working my day job and trying to finish my final revisions on my days off, which is not going well. I want to turn them in before my mom comes to visit at the end of the month, so we have some time to spend together for the couple of days she’s here. We’ve been planning this visit for awhile.

      Then my cross-country friend gets in touch. She and her husband and baby are going to couch surf for a month in the metro area of my city, and she wonders if the three of them can crash with me for a few of those days–that days that happen to coincide with my mom’s visit. I tell her that my mom is visiting and it would be crowded. She says she doesn’t mind! I don’t know why I don’t just say no, but I don’t. I feel guilty for being so unavailable this year, and I also think she probably wouldn’t ask if they had somewhere else for those few days. So I ask my mom if she minds. My mom doesn’t mind, she’s a nice lady. So I say yes, although I already regret it.

      Fast forward a week or so. I get a text from said friend asking if I’m around to hang out this week. I’m not, though; I’m working my day job and trying to finish those revisions so I can turn the thing in. I say I’ll see her during the days we already agreed on.

      Fast forward to earlier this week. She calls, weepy, and says that her husband has to go back across the country for a couple of days, and she doesn’t want to be alone with the baby, could they come hang out while I revise. I say no. I say that is not possible. I say I wish I could help more but I really, really can’t. She’s still crying but says she understands. We hang up and I feel like garbage.

      But I’m also angry! I don’t think it’s bad to reach out and ask for help. I think that’s a good coping skill. But I’m angry because I already set a boundary and this friend disregarded it. I’m still a little mad about the couch-surfing, although that’s on me for using a soft no instead of a real no. I’m mad at myself for not being finished with my revisions yet, and for compromising my limited time with my mom. And then I’m mad at my friend again.

      So I’m looking for: literally anything, to get me out of my own head. Maybe strategies for managing my anger so we can either talk about it productively when she visits or let it go and have a nice civil visit. Maybe sympathy, that’s always nice. I’m open to other perspectives, maybe I feel like a monster because I am a monster. But I’m already giving up a lot to try to meet this deadline and I just don’t know what else to do.

      1. Maggie +7

        I’ve definitely been in similar situations and I understand so much where you’re coming from. I think try your best to consider the “yes” to couch-surfing as spilled milk and go from there, just to avoid feelings of resentment. You have every right to set a boundary while you’re trying to finish your dissertation, so I would NOT feel badly about that part at all. I also think that when she actually comes to visit, it’ll be fine and fun, albeit a bit crowded. Sometimes I get so caught up in worrying about upcoming problems (my sister calls it “future-tripping”) that often the actual events play out just fine.

        Also, sometimes when I am feeling overwhelmed with similar situations, my mom will say, “Of course, it could only go this way!” Meaning, “Oh life – of COURSE when I’m trying to finish my dissertation and submit it, my mom is coming AND my friend-who-can’t-hear-no is couch-surfing with her whole family!” It’ll be a zany time, but you’ll survive it, and you also now have more tools for setting firmer boundaries next time your friend suggests a similar situation. I feel for her (she sounds isolated and overwhelmed herself) but I don’t think you did anything wrong at all.

      2. Jungle_Red +3

        I don’t have the perfect advice, but I hear you. A tough situation all around. You had to reinforce the boundaries you already set, and that was unpleasant. If your friend is a reasonable person (and it sounds like she is), then I think she will come to see that you weren’t choosing to be unhelpful to her. You have to prioritize your dissertation! You’re this close!

        I’ve also struggled with unreasonable anger towards a friend who put me in a tough spot. I did not to talk to her about it, and now all I’m left with is FIMO (forget it, move on). So if you’re comfortable addressing it with her, do — you don’t want it to fester.

      3. thebellewitch +7

        You aren’t a monster! I’m assuming this isn’t a pattern for your friend, since it sounds like you want to keep on good terms. I would say, how old is her baby? Having one of those things for the first time can be seriously, seriously mind-screwing. If she’s traveling and couch-surfing unexpectedly alone with an infant … well, she may just be desperate and not thinking very clearly about others’ needs right now.

        This isn’t okay, by any means — having a baby does not give you an excuse to be a jerk — but if you have reason to believe that she’s in a tough spot and isn’t herself right now, maybe that will help you find a little grace?

        She also may not realize how much her requests are coming across as pressure to you, and keeping that in mind might help you let go of some of the anger around it. It sounds like the only firm boundary she blew by was when she contacted you the second time to hang out, and that goes back to the desperation/isolation infant thing.

        All of this advice is totally moot if disregard for your needs is a common thread in your friendship, of course.

      4. parlato1973 +6

        as a person who has been in similar situations, i think some of this anger comes from having had to struggle with boundary setting in the past when it wasn’t something responsible adults did for you, when it happens now it’s just so enraging. like, the situation may not be all that bad, but it triggers times when you really weren’t able to defend boundaries for yourself, or maybe it’s just such a familiar feeling of frustration that you really don’t expect it from your friends.

        in any case, the fact that you have deadlines could also just be compounding everything. i’m kind of in the same spot right now, and i’ve had to pare down my commitments in every direction [and take self care time for OT] and i have felt what seems like undue anger toward some of the people leaning on me lately. like, they SHOULD know, but they don’t and if i try to lay it all out for them, it will be a veritable can of worms, so i’ve decided to make some changes and FIMO, as jungle_red said.

      5. Anon4Now +1

        Guys, I should respond to you individually so you maybe get email notifications (although that doesn’t always happen for Guest logins) but I would be saying the same thing to each of you.

        Thank you SO much. These responses were so measured, so calm, and so kind, they were exactly what I didn’t know I needed. I feel much gentler toward both my friend and myself, and without that knot of anger I think it’s going to be much easier to welcome her family into my home next week and maybe set aside some time for just the two of us to talk.

        Now to get these revisions turned in before everyone comes to visit. So close. SO close. Thanks again!

  35. catweazlol +24

    Inspired by logicbutton’s “Toastiest Toast Comment” comment, let’s all share our very first Toast comments (if you did an intro comment, share the next one)!

    1. ofTrebond +24

      My first comment, at least with an intensedebate account, was a single word: “Flee.”

      I kind of don’t want to check what the context was.

    3. wallofillusion +12

      Oh hey, your first comment was in response to me! I remember complaining about that game… I never picked it up again D:

      Here’s my first comment:
      A comment on 'Oh, the Places You Went' that reads 'When I graduated elementary school, our principal read Oh the Places You'll Go to us. But not the ''bad'' parts. Just the upbeat ones that are impossibly optimistic if not counterbalanced. I suspect she'd faint clean away if she read this version.'

    4. aitch_ess +13

      On a Toastie asking for work clothes thoughts: “Work goal 4 out of 5 days is to look nice but feel like I’m wearing pajamas. For me this involves a lot of circle skirts and dresses. Maor maxi dresses!”
      I will still go for any opportunity to proselytize secret-pajama dresses.
      I’m kind of surprised my first comment wasn’t about my dogs.

    5. elsajeni +12

      “I once woke up and yelled at my husband for something he’d done in a dream. (Not something mean, just something unwise — he was INSISTING on eating a bunch of raw eggs.)”

    6. evieskye +19

      In response to What The Posters In Your First Apartment Say About You Now:
      “…a giant poster of The Penguin Dorothy Parker which, to self-diagnose myself, which tells the world: “You have a semi-useless but very expensive MFA in poetry. You worry that your love of gin is getting out of hand. You’re most often described as ‘intense’–sometimes (not often) this is meant as a compliment.” “

      1. SarcasticFringehead +7

        Mine was also on that post!
        “The Ministry of Silly Walks: you’re slightly embarrassed by everything you like, no matter how popular or not it actually is. This poster is the most personality you’re comfortable expressing where just anybody could see it, and even then it makes you a little nervous.”

    8. Battle_Swine +14

      Opinion poll: Sending an email to some– not even all– of the bridesmaids in next weekend’s wedding, some of whom are traveling cross-country to attend, asking if they wouldn’t mind getting up early the day after the wedding to clean, dry, and organize all the dishes from a reception with 100+ guests, because you just found out the caterers don’t do it, but it’s not even like this is a budget-conscious wedding where cost-cutting is desperately needed.

      SUPER TACKY y/n?

      (To be clear, I was not the one asking bridesmaids to do this, but was one of the bridesmaids.)

        1. Battle_Swine +12

          It turned out fine! I emailed the event coordinator (who’d made the initial request) and politely said that I would not be able to help with the dishes, and then I got kinda drunk and danced a lot, and I had a good time.

    9. spectra37 +16


      This was on this post. This also might be my toastiest comment.

      (Edited several times for html failures. Now seemed like a good time to brush off my html since I likely won’t use it again before July 1.)

    10. bighairnoheart +9

      “I’m sitting here reading nonchalantly, getting my feels on, see the bit about rp-ing, wonder briefly if I know which one… but nah, couldn’t possibly, the web isn’t that interconnected. But lo and behold, someone from the same game. Truly the internet is a small and magical place at times.”

      Ah, the lj/internet reminiscing post.

        1. smiavs +1

          I somehow missed that one before, so THANK YOU. Also, “Men have to guess” may be my favorite Toast/Mallory sentence ever.

    11. redheadedwolf +9

      To “Official Toast Stances” (116 weeks ago):

      “Can someone explain lesbian separatism to me because it sounds like a thing I would be interested in.” (0 replies)

      What’s super-ironic is my comment in this open thread, directly beneath yours, ends up discussing lesbian separatism (I somehow learned what it is). Well, maybe not ironic, but everything coming full circle. Ah, Toast!

    12. ladyimogen +11

      “Across the border in Kazakhstan, there is also a lone female eagle hunter, also trained since age 13. She’s now 26 and a lawyer, and also amazingly amazing: “Asked how she plans to combine office work with bird handling, she said “I don’t need to give up being a berkutchi. I will do both things at once.”” http://blogs.reuters.com/photographers-blog/2012/…

    13. rkfire +22

      I added the original context because otherwise it’d be extra strange:

      Image and video hosting by TinyPic

      154 weeks ago, everyone. ::sigh:: I’ve been here the entire time!

    15. friendofdaja +4

      I can’t html, but here’s the first one I ever got replies to (of course it was the Monks ^^)

      99 weeks ago @ The Toast – Two Monks Invent Bibli… · 1 reply · +45 points
      I like to think that after Monk #1 drew the picture of the lion and the fox, he and Monk #2 called it a day and went to go drink ale and discuss the mysteries of tiny angels and giant blue guys.

    16. Nerterology +9

      “I slept through the climax of Man of Steel in theaters, and plan to do the same for any other DC movie I am forced to attend.”

    17. bocadelperro +6

      “Grace Jones for president of the world. (She is already the president of my heart).”

    20. daisicles +4

      “And it’s the sort of sentiment that seems to obscure any reflection on the fact that the southern US doesn’t actually have a monopoly on fucked-up issues and that having the region magically secede won’t actually fix those issues elsewhere in the country.”

      In response to Mallory being annoyed by a ‘just let the south secede’ comment on this post. So jumping in with both feet, really.

    21. Thujaplicata +5

      On an open thread over a year ago:

      68 weeks ago @ The Toast – Friday Open Thread · 0 replies · +1 points
      Stuffing is amazing. I have an awesome cornbread sausage stuffing recipe that I always use. I’m suddenly inspired to make myself a small batch of stuffing at some point this weekend.

    22. whollyword +4

      On a post in the kitten-cotching saga, in response to someone asking if there is a way not to be approached by a dog: “Nope– most dogs try their luck with pretty much everyone.

      The best thing you can do, if you don’t want a dog to best-friend at you, is to not smell like a person who pets dogs, which I’d guess is a thing you’re probably already doing. (Or you can send them my way and I’ll distract them.) “

    23. dakimel +3

      mine:

      146 weeks ago @ The Toast – A Cartoon About Perfume · 2 replies · +8 points
      I read a lot of romance, therefore I am aware that the best things to smell like are: cinnamon-dusted cookies, a field of wildflowers, or Eau de Woman.

      You can combine two, but not all three, of these, if you are complex.

    24. MissBadcrumble +1

      I found The Toast only last spring, and it took me a while before I dared to enter the comment section, what with all you wonderfully witty, funny, well-read people!

      I do believe it was in these comments that the piece of male clothing that is the Dick Ribbon got it’s name, this links to a picture of a different kind of dick-wear:
      “41 weeks ago @ The Toast – Dirtbag Medea · 1 reply · +11 points
      Alas, if only I knew how to add pictures!
      Well, hopefully this will lead you right: http://www.litteraturmagazinet.se/content/images/….
      It’s the Swedish 1978 edition of “Egalia’s daughters”. (“Glansholms”, at the bottom of the picture, is the (un)fortunate name of the bookstore)”

      ETA Of course the link didn’t work. Maybe this one does http://www.litteraturmagazinet.se/content/images/…

    26. logicbutton +1

      “Maaaan, I strength train three times a week (I just bench pressed 135 pounds for the first time yesterday!) and I think three sets of all this might kill me dead. That’s not to say I won’t try it, though.”

      At first I thought I had said I’d *squatted* 135 pounds for the first time and was like, geez, what a lightweight. But I haven’t touched the bench press in forever, so who knows what I’m doing there these days.

    27. Impractical_Cat +3

      72 weeks ago @ The Toast – Femslash Friday: Jane … · 0 replies · +3 points
      I have found my people at last

    28. bookwormV +1

      152 weeks ago @ The Toast – This Week in Reading: … · 0 replies · +1 points
      I read this while in Australia! (The B&B I stayed in had a copy in the bathroom, and I flicked through whenever I went to brush my teeth or go to the loo.) It was great, although so very dreadful in parts.

      (Also, argh, should clearly have come to the Toast sooner, because it took me about a dozen tries to find a working username. I can’t believe all the Old English I tried was no good.)

    29. EuterpesDelight +1

      I would like to point out my two first comments, as I think they paint a clear picture:
      105 weeks ago @ The Toast – The Fault In Our S… · 0 replies · +2 points
      My book club is also going to see this soon, and I say if your book club is not on board with getting surly and talking back to the screen then fie upon them and come join mine.
      106 weeks ago @ The Toast – Wolfbian: A Short Story · 0 replies · +3 points
      Yes! And great job with the accompanying art, fellow Edmontonian!

    30. fenixdawn +2

      What a great question! Mine was . . “Yup. Adulting is pretty much varying levels of the imposter syndrome at all times.”

  36. redheadedwolf +39

    In such a horrific week, I have a movie recommendation: Pride (2014). It’s a British comedy-drama based on a true story, set in 1984 during the Welsh miners’ strike, about how LGBT groups stepped up to fundraise for them but ran into major conflict with the very conservative Welsh community. While there is homophobia, a number of characters (including Imelda Staunton, aka Umbridge) are true heroes, and it has a wonderfully uplifting ending (despite the AIDS years you know are coming). Check it out, I think/hope you can stream it on Netflix.

    1. ConcinnityB +10

      I /love/ Pride and how happy it is (even though… well, you know everything is kind of pointless. the miner’s strike will end. the mines will close. most of the main characters will probably die of AIDS, and it’s already starting), but am I the only one who was ‘eh’ about the lesbian separatists being reduced to basically a punchline?

      1. redheadedwolf +9

        Oh, I didn’t find it pointless at all! They provided crucial support and formed lasting relationships with a community that was previously very homophobic. Even in the hard times ahead (AIDS and the mines closing), those relationships will matter.

        And I love how it told us at the end that not all of them died — I think one of the very first AIDS cases lasted much much longer than expected.

        Hmm, I don’t remember the lesbian separatists being treated like a punchline!

        1. ConcinnityB +5

          I think I might have used the wrong word. Can I rephrase that to ‘sense of impending thatcherite doom’? What I didreally love about it was – like you said – how upbeat and positive it was. It sticks out in a field that’s mostly dedicated to tragic gay stories as one that’s ultimately pretty happy.

          I haven’t seen it in about a year, so I can’t quote it off of the top of my head, but I remember Dave Lewis’ review (who was a member of LGSM) being pretty upset about the way LAPC was portrayed. I /think/ I was irritated because I felt it was poking fun at them viewing some of the guys in LGSM as being misogynistic and choosing to split off to somewhere the dudes weren’t all in charge.

          1. redheadedwolf +6

            Ah okay, that makes more sense. And yeah, it’s such a jewel in a pretty depressing genre. I still remember my favorite moment so fondly: at the end, one of the old Welsh ladies tumbling from the van, her arms open and crying, “Where are my lesbians?” as they run to her. 🙂

            I also haven’t seen it in about a year, but my impression is that while the lesbian separatists weren’t treated as a joke exactly, I did think they were creating a distraction when unity was more important for the overall cause, so maybe their motivations were not well represented. (But to be honest, I still think unity is better than separatism, though of course it’s great to have women-only spaces and such.)

      2. bookwormV +5

        I also had a bit of an issue with that plotline. I mean, I realise that in the context of the film and the events it was portraying, unity and solidarity were so important (and still are), and that the point of LGSM was disparate groups coming together and recognising that they were both being screwed over by the same people. But it is still the case that the queer movement is very much dominated by (white, cis) men, and I appreciate that other groups within it may feel, perfectly reasonably, that they want a space of their own where they are not marginalised. I felt the film portrayed them just as comedically wrong rather than acknowleding that they might have had very valid concerns.

        I still wept hugely at it (the ending! I was sitting in the cinema with tears streaming down my face), and I think it is mostly excellent, but I wasn’t completely comfortable with that aspect.

    2. whollyword +2

      Thank you for reminding me that this movie exists! I haven’t seen it yet, and I’ve just suggested it for my house’s movie night.

  37. Peanutcheese +15

    Any blogging toasties out there? I’d love links!
    Also a question: I’m thinking of starting a blog again, just for little things like gardening and stuff, but I’m wondering how much of my actual person self do I show?

    That sounds silly, but basically I ran a beauty blog years ago which of course included lots of face photos to show how makeup looked on my ghosty ghosty face (to help fellow ghostly pale people). Now and then I’ll search for a makeup product and see my face looking at me from google search, which 4 years on is a bit weird!

    I feel like when I read blogs about home decor, gardening etc I like seeing photos now and then of the blog writer, but I also think what if in 3 years I get bored and move on but my face is still all…out there.

    Now that I’ve typed it it seems silly and I guess I tend to overthink things but…do you guys have any thoughts?

    1. Peanutcheese +4

      Replying to myself because I have thoughts ™. I guess I just think a lot about how we project ourselves and for me there’s quite a contradiction because I’m a very private person, for example:

      – I wouldn’t want my friends or family knowing who I was on The Toast
      – I didn’t tell anyone who knew me about my blog
      – I don’t really like expressing my opinions or talking about myself to anyone except my SO

      But then at the same time:
      – I talk about personal stuff to groups of random internet strangers (ahem Toasties)
      – I ran a public beauty blog for 3 years and shared my thoughts about everything as well as some very gratuitous pore shots
      – I’m about to start another blog that is solely based on myself and really has no purpose and I don’t care if no one reads it but I also don’t want to make it private

      It just seems like I’m more honest with strangers than I am with people who know me.

      1. geekcrackteam +5

        YOU ARE ME. I feel so much more like myself here, and as much as I love sending my friends Toast links I’m always wary that they’ll discover me (I’m too lazy to use an alias, one name is hard enough to track.)

        I’ve been meaning to start a blog for years; I finally created one last year but only posted once. I used to have a lot of interesting stuff happening that I could have blogged about but never got around to and now I just feel like I’m boring, but also I have things I want to write about? But I also feel like no one will care what I’m shitting on about (Horses and dogs mostly.)

      2. emmysuhweeks +1

        It took me a long time to become comfortable with real life people reading my blog. I’ve blogged since, hmm, senior year of high school, so about 11 years (OH GOD) and at first, it was very private, and then I connected with friends…now I’m at the point where I feel comfortable sharing links on FB and letting real life people read. I guess it’s the idea that real life people could react in person to you, whereas strangers cannot?

        Anyway, don’t know what kind of blogging you’re interested in but I write at http://emmysuhweeks.com and welcome all readers. It’s mostly been pregnancy related lately, but in a thoughtful, empowering way; not just like that questionnaire everyone does.

        I’d also welcome any blogs worth reading as my list has grown very slim these days!

    3. literarysara +2

      I blog! Mainly about food culture and art, although lately while I’m busy the blog is mostly link roundups about food issues and things. <a href=”http://www.scenesofeating.com” target=”_blank”>www.scenesofeating.com

      I also have a bookish blog that I haven’t updated since last winter but I WILL, I will.

      Re: photos, I don’t know, I don’t take or post many pictures of myself mostly out of selfie self-consciousness but I do love seeing the faces of blogs and Twitters and whatnot that I read, so you’re not wrong about that part but I have no idea what to tell you about our lingering traces on the internet.

    4. CleverManka +6

      Well, I’m about to be a blogging Toastie. I guess.

      I use Clever Manka everwhere on the internet, so I’m not terribly worried about people finding my actual person although someone said last night to the Burgomaster “wait, your partner is Clever Manka?” so…

      There is someone else with my legal name who has an extensive internet/tech presence, so I’ve made it a strict policy to only use Clever Manka anywhere online except Facebook which never the twain shall meet (I’m considering ditching FB anyway).

      Everyone has different limits and feelings about being widely known, though, and if it makes you feel weird or uncomfortable, your concern is entirely legit and reasonable, not silly at all.

    7. Copy Goddess

      I have a blog called Ladies in the Dark, at ladiesinthedark.wordpress.com (I’ve changed the name several times, but I think this one is a keeper). It desperately needs updating, but I’m working on a long entry now and hope to have it posted by midweek.

      it has a little personal info, but no picture of me. No way.

  38. snaxstax +19

    Okay, collective wisdom of the crowd, I have an etiquette question: at what point does it become unacceptable to break things off with someone you’re dating via text? I mean, in a certain light, isn’t it KINDER to do remotely, so you don’t have to sit there and look at each other and finish your coffees or whatever?

    1. PierrePoutine +24

      What if you called them for a phone conversation? That way you don’t have to do it in person and Kelly won’t show up at your doorstep with Margaret Cho and an angry mob.

    2. Dangerfield5 +12

      I think if the relationship is more than casual you should call rather than text, at least.

      1. lemonack +4

        The thing about calling, imo, is that in a text-heavy society it is a red flag for “Impending Bad News.” So if they pick up, they’re already prepared but–what if it goes to voicemail and then they see the missed call and think something terrible’s happened to you but no, you’re just dumping them?

    3. geekcrackteam +9

      How long have you been dating? 1-2 dates I think its fine, anything casual. But if you’ve made any sort of ‘I want to keep seeing you’ commitment then you should do it in person.

      1. snaxstax +7

        Ooof. Definitely more than 1-2 dates, BUT, in my defense, no DTR talk, and it’s skewed pretty hanging-out-and-hooking-up, and also, I am an emotional coward.

        2. SmrtCookie +6

          Text. Just do it by text. I was in a pretty similar boat and broke it off by text and I have zero regrets.

    4. spring chickens +18

      An email might accomplish the same but feel more thoughtful/kind/be less of a surprise showing up at an inopportune time on their phone.

    5. iosognodisonno +10

      I think it somewhat depends on both the person themselves how you do most of your communicating. I broke up with an ex over gchat, but we did almost all of our talking over gchat (which was kind of part of the problem). Doing it in person or over the phone wouldn’t have really made sense.

      Personally, I would find it much less awkward to be broken up with over text than in person, so try to figure out if, based on what you know of them, they might feel that way or if they’re more likely to be wounded by the way the news is delivered as well as the news itself.

      1. snaxstax +6

        That is EXACTLY how I feel (and have in the past demanded that people text break up with me instead of “meeting for coffee to talk”)

        1. iosognodisonno +19

          I wonder if it’s a generational or changing culture thing? Really I would be mortified if someone wanted to meet up just to break up. So much awkwardness.

      2. theneedleandthe +15

        Yeah, I would soooo much rather get dumped via text. Then I can just break open the bottle of wine right there!

    6. hapsatou +9

      I think past two dates (one on one, not group hang out situations) you owe the person at least a phone call. It’s generally quick and painless, less impersonal than a text or e-mail but without the awkwardness of the in person meet up. Over a month I think you have to do it in person

      1. snaxstax +14

        Oh MAN. People’s responses to this question are mostly driving home the point that people have WILDLY varying definitions of casual. Subjectivity! What a nightmare!

        1. hapsatou +18

          Whatever method you pick, I promise you it will be a million times less awkward than you are imagining it. Especially if you weren’t together long. In my experience the person being broken up with just want to end the awkward exchange as quickly as you do. Good luck!

    7. LeighTX

      Reading this I kind of imagined you texting them a breakup text AS you’re sitting across from each other finishing your coffees.

  39. jonesy +29

    I did that unclaimed property search thing and my hella rich grandmother apparently left behind shares in BigMoneyThing and MilitaryContractorThing and dividends from OilThing and they won’t tell us how much it is and she paid for all the grandkids’ college except mine* because my dad didn’t have any plans for kids when she died so I’m $120,000 in the hole and I KNOW this is probably like $0.50 of unclaimed property but also WHAT IF, YOU GUYS.

    *Legally I’m not entitled to any of this money and my dad will probably be like “lol we are more broke than you” BUT ALSO COME ON, THE COUSINS GOT TO STUDY MUSIC PERFORMANCE AND LIVE THE DREAM AND I’M SHACKLED TO A CUBICLE WHILE NOVEL DRAFTS LANGUISH IN A DRAWER, PLS HALP.**

    **I know I am immensely privileged to even consider this nonsense, it is just a little GALLING to miss out on FREE PRETENTIOUS COLLEGE because your dad didn’t accidentally knock up your mom six years earlier.

    1. NicoleCliffe +13

      I did the thing when Wee Ramekins posted about it and just got a check for $152 and cashed it and it was great.

  40. darthita +5

    I desperately need to share this image that a local music festival used in their announcement e-mail which FEELS like it’s been in a “Women in Western Art” post, even if it has not:

    over it

    1. mydonkeyfeet +13

      What are these words on my picture, get them off
      I can’t play when there are words there.
      Hello, excuse me, you need to move them.

  41. lolfunberry +35

    What. a. week. On top of everything else awful happening in the world, on Tuesday my partner’s mother was officially diagnosed with a terrible, incurable, life-ending disease. We have suspected something for the past couple months, but he is understandably devastated and I just don’t know what to do for him. This is the first real and scary life thing that has happened in our relationship and I want him to know that I am committed and we are in this together, but of course in a lot of ways this is his thing. We’re lucky she only lives a few hours away, so he’ll probably be spending several days a week/weekends with her indefinitely (he’s been there all week driving her to appointments, cleaning her house, dealing with her job and insurance, etc)… which is so wonderful and still sucks in a very selfish way (I miss him!) The end of his mother’s life will likely be hard and awful and there is no cure and she is far far too young and everything is just terrible.

    I don’t know if I’m asking for anything, just presuming to share this burden with you lovely, lovely people while I still can.

    2. craneyourneck +5

      So sorry for everything you’re both going through, and sending good thoughts your way.

    6. Jungle_Red +2

      Just teared up. I’m so sorry for you and for your partner. And for his mom. HUGS.

    7. whollyword +2

      Sending gentle thoughts to you, your partner, and your partner’s mom. It’s not fair, and it sucks, and I will sit with you while you feel what you feel, if you would like that.

    8. truffleuffagus +3

      I’m really sorry. That’s terrible news, and my heart hurts for both of you. My mother wass very ill several years ago and my partner supported me by helping feed me and my family. He’d make some big meals that would let us eat without having to worry about the mechanics of cooking, and I’m still so grateful for that kind of quiet support from him.

      I’m sure his mother will be comforted by your love for her son.

  42. jimmyjimjimjim +42

    Well I went to see the counselors yesterday, it was what they called counseling triage so it was just a ten minute meeting then they gave a real appointment for Tuesday.

    I’m a bit annoyed at how blubbery I was during the meeting though. That is very atypical of me and it’s probably not a great idea to get diagnosed for a chronic, usually manageable, condition based on atypical behavior. Hopefully I’ll have a better handle on myself Tuesday.

    1. OoTheHumanities +29

      Be gentle with yourself. Important step, VERY hard, don’t let your jerkbrain be embarrassed for you. I am proud of you and you should be, too.

    2. redheadedwolf +25

      I’m so glad you went! Don’t judge yourself so harshly. It’s very normal to get emotional when you’re addressing issues you normally don’t focus on.

    3. mmsees +15

      Good for you for going! It sounds totally reasonable to be atypically nervous/emotional during that kind of meeting, I’m sure counselors are used to it. You don’t need to perfectly recapitulate or objectively describe everything you’re experiencing for them to make a good assessment, that’s a fundamental part of their job. Good luck on Tuesday!

    4. SarcasticFringehead +24

      I went in for a routine appointment just to get them to renew my prescription for my antidepressants, and ended up totally breaking down because there was all kinds of stuff that I’d been “dealing with” by ignoring it & hoping it would go away – as soon as I started talking about any mental health stuff, it all kind of barfed out. And a good counselor will also likely have had experience with this kind of thing, too – they know that the way people act in a counseling session is not how they act in the rest of their lives, usually, and will know what questions to ask and what to talk about to make sure they’re diagnosing (or not diagnosing) based on everything, not just what they see during appointments.

    5. meat lord +14

      Honestly, weeping during counseling triage is… well, it’s a strategically good decision, and I hope that makes you feel a bit better about being blubbery? Your feelings and problems deserve to be taken seriously, and counselors definitely take notice when people are in visible, tearful distress.

      (During my first counseling experience, I bawled like a small child during intake and subsequently received excellent care, FWIW.)

    6. Prawns +21

      I went in for my intake appointment for my therapist and ended up doing the high-pitched blubbering for 45 minutes unexpectedly. Sometimes just hearing yourself say the things out loud, or having to put the things into words, or knowing that the other person is REALLY listening can be overwhelming in ways that you did not expect.

      1. whollyword +11

        Yep. Intake is *hard*, in my experience. My usual coping strategy is to focus on one piece of one problem at a time. In an intake appointment, the person doing the interview wants an overview of what’s going on. Turns out, when I look at my life from a distance and try to talk about ALL the problems at once, because they are interrelated and interdependent, I feel pretty close to Peak Overwhelmed and Despairing and will cry through the entire appointment.

        Even if that’s not how I feel on a day-to-day basis, it is an accurate representation of my life in some ways, and it is not the worst thing in the world for a mental health professional to have a sense of what Peak Overwhelmed is like for me.

        Support people who are worth their salt are not going to be worse to you because you cried in an intake interview.

    7. RoseCamelia +19

      You did it! Good work, tending your health. Yes, crying is annoying. But not a problem. It’s OK if you cry again on Tuesday.

      You know what else is atypical for you? Getting screened for depression. It’s important to make changes. So atypical is good.

    8. LeighTX +6

      I am so happy for you–that was a big step, and good for you for mustering up the courage to do it. Will be thinking of you Tuesday!

    9. ptrackydactyl +8

      I sobbed all the way through my first counselling session. That was very confusing for me too! Normally I keep my feelings carefully hidden away where nobody can see them. I kept apologising and saying I didn’t know why I was crying. I think it was just so overwhelming to be talking to someone about things at last – probably counsellors see it all the time. Part of the process is learning to explore where all the feelings are coming from, and it’s totally OK to let it out during a counselling session..

    10. bookwormV +5

      Whenever I do anything that involves talking about my feelings and problems, I cry uncontrollably (this is part of why I have strugged with CBT in the past) – don’t feel bad about it. Sometimes, just acknowleding that stuff causes unusual reactions. But well done for gtting an appointment sorted!

  43. Tarragoner +12

    I have some huge projects coming to a close at work, culminating in a big party at a fancy club with live classical music. All that I arranged, so I am going to be relieved and let down tomorrow. Hoping for sun so I can go to the beach tomorrow and swim with the fishies.
    Heading to Baltimore next week for a conference and our big group event is going to be at the aquarium! I am really looking forward to that trip.
    Checked out a bunch of vegan cookbooks from the library (not a vegan, but it’s creative) and plan to pick one thing that’s involved yet inexpensive.

    1. BestLaidPlans +2

      The aquarium in Baltimore is one of my favorite places in the whole world.

  44. kaylaelisabethblog +24

    I know a lot of us are emotionally worn this week.
    I am too. This week has been hard. And emotionally draining.
    I heard some shockingly awful news about an old friend/ex of mine from several years ago and and I am very upset about it.
    All the news I’ve heard this week has really gotten me down.

    I’ve been coping by listening to all the “stuff you missed in history class” archives I can find, and rereading Harry Potter.

    1. theburnersmydestination +10

      I read this as “all the stuff you missed in Harry Potter” and now I am kind of disappointed that it doesn’t exist.

    2. Either_Ada +5

      I just found that podcast and I love it so much! I will be doing a very deep dive into their archives soon.

      1. kaylaelisabethblog +3

        It’s so wonderful! Going way, way back- it’s amazing how much the show has evolved. And I ALWAYS learn something.

    4. Cake_4_All +17

      I started listening to a HP podcast called Witch Please (Slack recommendation) and it’s excellent! It’s hosted by 2 professor ladies, they fully acknowledge that Harry and Ron are useless and Hermione is the reason anyone is even still alive.

      2. Es_Petal +2

        I started that, but they lost me when they decided that Umbridge was taken off by the centaurs. (Which I won’t say on here in case you’ve not got that far yet.) I may have missed a bit where they explained it while making coffee or something but that just really threw me.

        1. Cake_4_All +4

          I’m not sure what you mean. Umbridge WAS taken by the centaurs and the students were really excited about the very strongly suggested rape.

          1. Es_Petal +5

            Did I completely miss a strongly suggested rape? I absolutely didn’t notice it reading them and it seems really bizarre to me that a children’s book would have that even as a subtext.

          2. Cake_4_All +4

            It’s very much there. The books are so problematic, rereading the later books is…difficult.

          3. adoptraya +3

            I don’t think that the rape is as strongly-suggested as you are making it out to be.

            I’m not denying that she might have been raped, but this theory is reader speculation and, in my opinion, doesn’t fit well with the knowledge that we have of Rowling’s in-universe centaurs (different from the Greek model) or Rowling’s views about women and sexual violence.

          4. Cake_4_All +3

            I agree, it’s a fan theory but it’s one I subscribe to. I remember reading it when I was 16 (or whatever) and just thinking WTF. I think the podcast lays pretty good evidence for it being a rape but I definitely can see why others would interpret that chapter differently.

            EDIT: If anyone cares to listen to the episode of the podcast, it’s 9B starts around minute 50.

          5. terb +3

            Ok I listened to it and I still disagree and it bothered the fuck out of me. I am so bothered.

          6. terb +3

            I never even heard of that theory until last year or something, and had absolutely no mental connection between centaurs and rape. I figured she was traumatised by being carried off by ‘half-breeds’ and maybe menaced a bit.

        1. Cake_4_All +3

          Yay! Thanks for the recommendation! GRANGER DANGER(!!!!!!!!!!!) is my favorite thing ever.

    5. inkwashed +6

      oh man yes. there’s been so much! it’s a rollercoaster of exhaustion, spontaneous crying/laughing on the subway, all of it. I left work early today and might have been eating an ungodly number of dark chocolate m&ms and watching a detective show as a form of self-care/turning off my spinning brain/coping.

      <3

    6. LadyBertilak +2

      Upbeat music, eating more ice cream than I have in maybe the past year, and rereading the Chronicles of Narnia

  45. viviennestreet +53

    Earlier this week on Slack, I found out that getting weirdly sweaty while trying on clothes in dressing rooms was a problem other people also have.

    So. What are some small, strange things that happen to you and, you know, probably happen to other people, but you’ve never actually confirmed this with another human being?

    1. viviennestreet +14

      I hate getting water in my eyes. I can’t just wipe the extra water out with my hand, or blink the water out, or whatever it is most people do. I need to wipe my eyes with a dry towel. Only then do they feel ok.

      1. annacardea +2

        Yes! Hate having water on my face at all for too long. I keep a towel over the shower curtain so that I can use the edge to dry my face off.

        1. viviennestreet +1

          YES! It’s so annoying when I’m showering somewhere and there’s no good place within reach to keep my towel.

    2. aitch_ess +34

      Intermittent weird-smelling belly button and subsequent belly button cleaning with a q-tip.

      1. Fluffernutter +7

        I used to get that and now make a habit of washing my button in the shower. Just swirl some suds around in there with your finger and rinse it out. It makes sense it would get smelly, lots of sweat pools up in there in the summer.

      2. geekcrackteam +4

        I was going to say this! It used to just happen occasionally, but since i’ve put on weight I think the fat rolls have made it worse. I’ve never had to consciously wash my belly button before.

      3. mydonkeyfeet +13

        (When I was very very very little, I was in the bath and I poked at my bellybutton until a little piece of dirt or lint came out. Then I went crying to my mom all scared because I thought I had removed a piece of my body organs.)

    3. mydonkeyfeet +20

      Um, passing gas. I understand that it’s a human thing, but I often feel like it’s only me (and a few noisy dudes).

      1. bonetailor +10

        ME TOO. All my friends seem to be capable of farting without the incriminating sound/smell. HOW? Once I did it in front of my closest friend and after I said “excuse me” she said, “I forgive you”. In my head I was like, “Ugh, fuck you.”
        Sometimes I look for advice on the internet and it’s all, “take smaller bites when you eat so you don’t swallow air”, which is IMO the least helpful advice about anything digestive related ever.
        I also HATE how in movies/TV involving plus size characters, passing gas is used as a comedic way to emphasize their size as something gross or shameful.

        ETA that according to science, some of my excess gas may be because I’m vegetarian. Vegetarians apparently are just gassier. Must be all that hummus. Oh well.

        1. arachnidette +3

          That is the worst way to react to a fart. It makes it sound like you did something that was so utterly offensive. I think it has much more to do with your gut bacteria and how they are responding to the things you feed them. They’re the ones making the gas, anyways.

        2. mydonkeyfeet +5

          Yeah, I think certain vegetables (and my period) make it worse for me. But also, are normal people able to totally control it? (Save it until they’re in the bathroom, or do it on command for humor)? I was reading that there’s flatal incontinence, and I thought oh no, what if that’s me? (My search engine shows me that I was also searching for hiccups and stress at the time, so I probably was stressed and eating too fast and swallowing a lot of air. Maybe I do that a lot. I definitely get hiccups a lot when stressed.)

          1. lemonadefish +3

            I have nasty nasty period farts. I’m pretty gassy anyway. It’s certainly a combination of genetics / gut bacteria and diet. (And yeah, hummus will get you going!)
            Also, some people are willing to suffer the pain of holding in a fart for a while, some people run to the bathroom every time they have to fart, and some people just aren’t as gassy. But also also, there are people out there who still think farts are funny 🙂

        3. mydonkeyfeet +4

          Also, I don’t understand why movies would make it plus size characters passing gas, because everyone does it. I don’t THINK there’s any correlation between weight / BMI and gas, is there? Anyway, I first remember being self conscious back when I was a wee little thing fresh out of grad school and wearing size XXS clothes (and some kids’ clothes still).

          PS – I remember a LONG time ago seeing a commercial for McDonalds or some such where teens were suffering embarrassment for various reasons (but then I guess they go and get some fast food and it cheers them up?) One girl in the commercial is sitting in class and suddenly her stomach growls, and she’s so embarrassed that she sinks down lower in her seat hoping that no one will look. I remember thinking “Wait, are stomach noises something we’re supposed to be embarrassed about too?” Ugh, why can’t uncontrollable bodily functions get a free pass? It’s not like you’re sneezing on someone and giving them germs.

    4. radiantsqui3d +30

      I start dreaming before I’m properly asleep and sometimes I have entire conversations in that fuzzy state. I can vaguely remember a conversation with my +1 in which I accused him of being a dwarf in a café, and that he had to carry my bags in an ancient dwarven ritual. He was very conf- and amused.

      1. GreenGrasses +6

        Ahhh I love the weird fuzzy dreaming-but-not-sleeping state! And I usually have some sort of violent body jolt during mine that corresponds with what’s happening in my dream. Apparently this is related to Stone Age people not wanting to fall out of trees or something?

        1. smiavs +11

          That body jolt thing happens to me sometimes when I’m not even sleeping. We were discussing the body jolt thing in psychology class in high school, and I asked what it meant if it happened when one was awake. The teacher’s response was along the lines of “um, a serious neurological disorder,” and I’ve been afraid to mention it to anyone ever since. I’m not sure I want to know what she might have been suggesting….

    5. Fluffernutter +28

      Tonsil stones? I got them a lot as a kid and kept quiet about them, because I figured it was just me and they’re DISGUSTING. But I learned the proper term for them a few years ago and it was a huge relief. Still get them occasionally. They’re vile.

      1. aitch_ess +11

        I recently learned about them and I am fascinated. Do you get to kind of pop them out yourself ever? Is it as satisfying as it looks?
        Ahem, I guess I should add that one of the things I used to think nobody else experienced but that I now know is not the case thanks to the likes of Dr. Pimplepopper is that feeling of intense satisfaction and disgust when a zit is squeezed or a bit of foreign/gross matter otherwise gets pushed out of the skin.

        1. Fluffernutter +11

          My attempts at prying them out have never gone well, so I have to wait until they naturally dislodge themselves. Making some kind of hacking noise will sometimes speed up that process. They smell AWFUL and look like hard little boogers, so it’s way less “satisfying” and way more “revolting” to me :-\

          I do love popping zits, though!

          1. mydonkeyfeet +1

            Do they give you bad breath? I only learned about them recently too. I had my tonsils removed as a child so I’ve never had them. How long do they stay around?

    6. theviciouscircle1 +36

      1) seeing flashing spots in my vision intermittently
      2) my black underwear turning white/pink in the crotch for no apparent reason

      there’s probably more

      1. viviennestreet +15

        1) I might get those, too? Sort of dark but also bright and they kind of waver around?

        2) I don’t own much black underwear, but a while ago the internet told me that it’s normal (due to the vagina’s PH level) for some bleaching to happen. Yey internet!

        1. geekcrackteam +34

          All of my underwear is black, and for awhile I thought I was just washing them wrong. Nope, I just have a super bleachy hoo hoo.

          1. Jungle_Red +52

            My brain just immediately replaced the terrible Muse song “Supermassive Black Hole” with “Super Bleachy Hoo Hoo.”

        2. ballisticjaguar +11

          Huh. I generally own white underwear, but I’ve got a dark navy blue pair that has started turning white in the crotch. Nice to know the reason!

      2. OliviaPJones +11

        Me too with the bleaching! I used to be super ashamed of it but trying to just be ok.

        1. Annie +18

          Bodies do these things! This is why we have underwear, really, it’s not a big deal.

      3. Either_Ada +11

        1) I get them flashy things too–mine are the aura that precedes the migraine.

        2) –sighs with relief–

      5. mmsees +12

        omg the bleaching. yes to this, yes to this being something I never heard anyone talk about despite being normal, yes to it making sense because of pH stuff but still something I still have been vaguely ashamed of.

        1. mydonkeyfeet +18

          Noooo, they’re little tiny spaceships traveling across the universe that is your eyeball!

      7. mydonkeyfeet +2

        I was kind of sad that my Thinx turned bleachy, but I wore them for several days when I was sick with the flu (the cold kind, not stomach kind). I was just so dead sick that I wasn’t changing my clothes or bathing or getting out of bed. But the Thinx were great and I didn’t stink.

        Edit: They’re period panties, if you don’t know, and they are GREAT. I wasn’t on my period, just was wearing them as normal panties.

      8. bookwormV +2

        Almost all of my knickers have much lighter spots in the crotch; thanks, vagina! (Apparently vagainal secretions causing bleaching is pretty normal, but it gets talked about so rarely. I am glad other people are confirming that it happens to them.)

    7. katenepveu +19

      Hah. Ditto. My guess is that dressing rooms aren’t actually properly air-conditioned?

      At a certain point of tired, I start shivering.

      1. aqueousmedium +7

        Circadian rhythms in body temperature! You get colder at certain points of the day, and very late night/early morning is one of them.

    8. geekcrackteam +38

      Does anyone else shed an insane amount of hair? My hair is really long, and every day I loose handfuls of the stuff. Hasn’t made a difference to the thickness of my hair, but when I hoover my room there are piles of bright red hair everywhere.

      I stayed at a boys house awhile ago and then next day he texted me and just said ‘your hair is fucking everywhere.’

      1. OliviaPJones +6

        I do! We groom the cats daily to help with their shedding so I mixed up a bottle of detangler spray, gritted my teeth and paid for the thick and curly tangle teezer, and I am trying to brush my hair almost every day. I think it is helping a little. My hairs end up everywhere: the fridge, the floor, inside the cats.

        1. geekcrackteam +6

          My hair is straight which helps, but yeah I have to brush it at least 2x times a day and both times I have to clean my hair brush after.

          I had short hair for years and even tho I’ve had long hair for about 4years now I feel like I’m still getting used to it. Like what is the point of long hair? I wear it up all the time and if I do take it down 1 I have to straighten it first because of the up all the time and then it’s a tangled mess in 5 seconds and I just put it up again. People compliment it a lot, but ugh I just want a pixie again. (I can’t let go of that sweet validation tho!)

          1. ofTrebond +7

            I also shed a ton. I have thick hair, so I guess it makes sense.

            For me the point of having long hair is that I only get it cut a 2-3 times a year, which is not something I could get away with if I had a pixie cut.

          2. iosognodisonno +4

            That’s the point for me too. I dislike taking the time to go to the hair salon and having to spend money on it. So it just grows until it’s long enough to be uncomfortable and I decide I have to.

          3. geekcrackteam +3

            Ahhh see I just cut my own hair when it was short and then it got too long to do it myself and suddenly I have long hair.

            Although I don’t know if I could get away with the hairstyles I used to have, now that I’m an adult and all.

      2. hapsatou +8

        I shed like a longhair cat in the middle of a DC summer, year round. Luckily my husband finds it charming, mostly.

      3. mmsees +7

        SO MUCH SHEDDING. I don’t know how I still have as much hair as I do. My boyfriend’s gotten used to it by now but the first couple of times I stayed over there he was like “how is your hair everywhere???”

      4. cloverleaf +5

        Same. I lose tons and have gotten the same comments from boyfriends. Years ago my roommate found my hair in her underwear drawer and was like HOW DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN?! I was like
        ¯_(ツ)_/¯

        I also have 2 cats and live in a 600 sq foot apartment. I have to empty my vacuum twice when I use it.

      5. bread_and_roses +5

        Yes.

        Two women with longish hair in our house, and the hairballs one finds around are intense. We’re contemplating a Roomba.

        1. lemonack +6

          As a long-haired Roomba owner, be prepared to take scissors and picks into the brushes to clean that back out.

      6. fiddlergirl +4

        YES! My hair sheds so much. I get kind of embarrassed when a noticeable pile forms under my chair at work (highly visible on the white tile floor).

      7. depizan +1

        I usually shed tons, but my hair’s currently in a pixie cut and the shedding is far far less noticeable (although I suppose it’s possible I’m shedding less).

    9. diaryofamadeditor +4

      I break out in hives from…hot water. This is a new allergy I’ve learned to cope with.

    10. Ahahahano +18

      I can plug toilets by pooping. In fact, the longest I’ve gone without doing that was about 6 months. I’ve never heard of anyone else doing this but I know I can’t be the only one or hardware stores wouldn’t all sell snakes and plungers.

      2. mydonkeyfeet +5

        Ohhh, I thought at first you meant the longest you had gone without pooping was 6 months!

    11. nevergiveaninch +8

      How about the awful cowlick on the back of my head that looks for all the world like a bald spot with my second day hair?? Pleeaase make me not the only one with that problem. I used to bug my hairdresser about it every time I saw her (like, “Are you suuuuure I’m not going bald??”) She’s finally got me convinced that I’m not losing any hair, but that it’s just an unfortunate cowlick. Dry shampoo helps on some days, but other days there is is just nothing I can do short of wash it again or put a bun right on top of the weird spot. Or just go out in the world giving no fucks.

      1. Notreallydorine +4

        You are NOT THE ONLY ONE. I have this, too, only I can sometimes disguise it for a third day if I am careful about how I sleep on it. Mine is also the place where my straight hair starts becoming wavy (hairs in front of head are straight; hairs in back are wavy), so I am constantly trying to decide whether to straighten for the day or try to curl the rest for the day, depending on which I think might best disguise that spot.

      2. nopemobile +1

        Yes I get this!!!! Typically I keep the back & sides of my hair very short (like, buzzed short) but whenever it grows long enough to part the cowlick shows up. Completely impossible to disguise since my hair’s too short to put up, very annoying.

    12. DoubtfulGuest +19

      Doing calf raises makes me have to poop. I can’t figure out any anatomical reason why this should be true, but it definitely is.

      1. leslieellenjones +38

        At least there is potentially an anatomical reason. I have the same reaction from walking into libraries and large bookstores. To the point where, if I’m constipated, it’s like, “Hmm, time to walk over to the university library and peruse the stacks for about 5 minutes.” There is probably some very deep, psychological reason for this that I really don’t need to know, but Freud would have a field day.

        1. theburnersmydestination +14

          I vaguely remember reading something about this! I think they said it had something to do with the chemicals used to make the paper? Or something like that, I will try to find the article. But I believe there is a physiological explanation.

        2. bonetailor +35

          This happens to me and my mom! Her theory is that it’s like when puppies meet new people and get so excited that they pee a little. Being in the presence of that many books is so exciting that it makes us have to poop.

      2. bibliophibian +18

        Balance exercises engage postural muscles in the abdomen (incl. the psoas), raising intra-abdominal pressure, which may be what’s giving you the feeling to go poop. The more you know! /*

    13. LadyBertilak +5

      Getting weirdly thirsty while clothes shopping! It’s a sort of dry mouth that is not comparable to any other?

    14. katerkins +8

      When I pluck my eyebrows, I sneeze. I’ve actually given up on shaping them because it’s so severe. Good thing full brows are in style

    15. bonetailor +15

      My small strange thing is that sometimes when I experience a work of art live, like when I see a museum exhibit, at some point I start to feel faint or dizzy, or like I’m mildly hallucinating. The first time it happened to me I was at the Art Institute of Chicago looking at a painting* and suddenly felt as though room was pulsing and I was kind of being sucked into the center of the painting.
      It has happened to me several times since then, to varying degrees of intensity. Literally only yesterday did I find out this is a documented thing and has a name! Stendhal Syndrome!

      *If you’re curious, it was this painting: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Delaunay#/me…

      1. mydonkeyfeet +2

        That is amazing! Do you like it? Is that a dumb question? (Like, sometimes a great piece of art/literature/music moves me to tears, and even tough tears are usually regarded as a sad thing, I like being moved that deeply. So I can imagine some people might like experiencing Stendhal Syndrome.)

        1. bonetailor +4

          I’m not as easily moved to outward expressions of emotion, so in my head this reaction kind of makes up for it, and I do like that it happens! The first time it happened it was jarring and a little disorienting. I had to go sit down and close my eyes. It wasn’t scary though. Thankfully it doesn’t happen every time- that would be exhausting! During subsequent experiences though I’ve learned to just find a place to sit down if it comes on strongly.

          I can sometimes sense it coming before it happens, kind of like an anxiety attack I guess? If I get too excited and start moving too quickly through a gallery, I try to slow down, breathe and process everything I’m seeing (kind of like one might do to alleviate an anxiety attack, haha). The feeling of disorientation might linger, but it’s gentle and wears off… This also means I’m the slowest museum companion on the planet, OH WELL.

      2. permanentteal +2

        I’m late but I’m pretty sure that happens to me! I always attributed it to the fact that I usually only go to museums when I’m already exhausted from traveling.
        It has also happened when seeing something really cute, and I feel like it cannot exist in my reality.

    16. nopemobile +6

      Weird not-quite-ASMR! None of the regular triggers work on me, but listening to electronic music with a certain scratchy/buzzy quality will give me these tingles that travel down my arms and/or into my torso. Very emotionally charged scenes in movies do it too, sometimes. I’ve never been sure if this is just some version of regular shivers-down-the-spine that everyone gets, but it seems so weirdly specific.

      1. spectra37 +1

        Oh! I was just reading something about something like this. I can’t find whatever it was, but here’s an article about intense musical frisson.

    17. Poppy +7

      Watching Individual sporting events (not teams) make me cry. Almost any sport…boxing, skiing, marathons, swimming. I’m a basket case during the Olympics. I don’t follow or participate in any sports regularly, nor do I cry often. Very weird uncontrollable reaction and sometimes embarrassing in public.

      1. allanaaa +14

        Same! The Olympics are the worst for me. The best I can articulate is something like “aughhghghg they’re so hooooooooopefulllllllllllll.”

      2. whollyword +1

        With you– more strongly with running, though, than with anything else. It was a yet stronger reaction back when I was running on a team in high school and college. Apparently my response to endorphins and shared experiences of adversity is to feel such a level of tenderness and camaraderie toward everyone around me that I actually need to be a little careful about whom I go running with. : /

    18. whollyword +13

      I feel as if I should go WAY MORE ANON for this, but [puts on bravery], barring catastrophically libido-killing events like breakups, my level of sexual desire always ticks up on laundry day. It’s not cyclical– I checked. The only time I’ve ever had ex sex (not with current ex, praise All That Is), then-ex had come over to my place to do laundry with me, and we were folding clothes, and then all of a sudden we were naked.

      As a way of being kind to whatever part of my brain is responsible for this quirk, I stopped doing Bex’s laundry– which I used to do alongside my own– the day we broke up. I do not need to be feeling desperate longing and attachment for someone who isn’t available, and I do not need to be hanging their t-shirts in the closet in ROYGBIV order, either.

      Mostly I’m not upset about it. It’s nice to have a household chore I have positive associations with, and I’ve never had a partner who responded to my saying, “I need to do laundry today; can you clear some space on your schedule for me wanting to jump you?” by being disgusted. But it’s clear I’m a little bit afraid of being judged, since I think this is the first time I’ve told anyone I wasn’t dating about it.

      1. happysadcat +4

        Totally normal! My ex-husband was very very very much the same as you–it’s a pretty freaking charming trait, if you ask me.

  46. jackalopeia +8

    Who remembers craftgrrl on Livejournal? I was just thinking about it the other day, reflecting on just how many different crafty things I used to do. Having one long feed of a bunch of different projects was so inspiring–you’d see something and be like “shit, it never OCCURRED to me to etch my own drinking glasses, but I can totally do that!” Nowadays it seems like everything is more sorted and filtered, like 400 different subreddits for different crafts, or completely devoid of interaction, like pinterest. Sigh.

    1. sausagedog +3

      I don’t remember craftgrrl, but I remember being introduced to a lot of DIY stuff through LJ. There was an online magazine (zine?) called NEED or NEET or something and I loved it. I still have some plastic bangles that I mod-podged with fancy scrapbooking paper (that my mom had bought from a friend’s MLM scrapbook thing, to tie this into another fave toastie topic). They turned out super cute but they got a bit dusty and it turns out I don’t like wearing bangles.

      I feel you on the Pinterest thing. I like Pinterest, but the DIY side of it does nothing for me. Not sure what’s different now– maybe the echo-chamber repetitiveness, maybe that I’ve become more minimalist now that I’m an adult living in a tiny apartment, maybe just the lack of interaction, like you say.

    2. StiffyByng +3

      I remember craftgrrl! It turned me on to decoupage and collage and other such things. I did a few projects very poorly, and doubt I ever shared anything, but just knowing that making stuff according to my own tastes was an option really brightened growing up goth in the countryside.

    3. CleverManka +12

      So is this where I say (again) I miss the old LJ days? I miss the old LJ days.

      1. daisicles +3

        I miss the old lj days so much that I need this gif repeated at least three more times to properly express my longing.

      2. Thujaplicata +5

        Me too. It was so nice to have a little community of commentors and the ability to make some things private/friends/public

      3. mydonkeyfeet +1

        Speaking of (or looking at) Ben Whishaw, did anyone follow OBASC there, Obscure Brit Actor Squee Consortium?

  47. bundtpan +31

    Medicine is wild, y’all. My dad had knee surgery about two weeks ago (relatively minor, torn meniscus) and is already golfing again. Dads! Medicine! Bodies! Wow!

    1. GoatlessSon +26

      Just reminded me of a dad and medicine thing I had to share.

      My dad hurt his ankle a while back, and that night I heard him exclaim “Wow, this is like a miracle medicine – my ankle already feels better!” and I turned around to see him holding up his martini in awe.

      Dads.

    2. OoTheHumanities +8

      I KNOWWWW! I am less than one month post-gall bladder surgery and so close to normal it is mind-blowing. Endoscopy! Laproscopy! All the gall!

      1. bundtpan +8

        I’ve been operated on TWICE by ROBOTS and was basically fine, if a little sore, three weeks post. All the oscopy!

        I had my gall bladder out too. Your return to eating fried food will be glorious.

    3. bighairnoheart +11

      Dads! Medicine!

      Went to see Love & Friendship with Coloneldad. He found any and all comments about gout a little too funny. It is truly the disease of kings and dads.

      1. OoTheHumanities +6

        I wish I could find a gif of Bobby Hill making his gouty toe sing as “madame”

    4. nopemobile +1

      Oh wow, my dad is about to get the same surgery! Glad to hear it’s really as minor a thing as he said it would be 😀

    5. robotneedslove +1

      dude. My dad had a quad bypass a few years ago. Here’s the anecdote: my dad’s angina and heart had got so bad they bought a quad to get to the hike-in cabin, and were planning on hiring someone to build the trial (up a mountain, so it’s rough.)

      Four months after the bypass, my dad is out building the trial himself (and almost cut his thumb off, but that’s another story).

      DADS MEDICINE BODIES WOW

  48. irreverantontheinternet +10

    That salad looks incredible and I’m sad it cannot be my lunch today.

    Replying to myself with a giant unloading about housing, relationships, job hunting, and cats

    1. irreverantontheinternet +6

      So I just finished my master’s and am job searching for library/archive positions. I am not a fan of my current geographic area and want to move further away. Specifically I want to put at least 3 hours between me and my parents, who are currently only an hour away. I see them every other weekend because my side gig is >20 minutes from their house but that’s not enough! I should be seeing them every weekend! I should take days off my main job to see them at their will! I should fake sick so that I can come help them around the house!

      It has now been a decade of bad blood and strained relationships between them. I take umbrage with the fact that they don’t respect my opinions, my beliefs, my autonomy, my interests… They also take care of an do right by my special needs brother, who will never be able to live alone and is non-verbal. So cutting contact with them would also mean cutting contact with him, and although I often think I’m making the wrong choice I’ve forced myself to be civil and stick around so that I can have a relationship with my bro.

      I am in a 6 year relationship that I thought was going to end in marriage and now I think it’s not going anywhere. We have lived together for about 4 years. I supported him while he was getting his master’s and we had a verbal agreement he would do the same when it was my turn. Instead I’ve spent the past two years doing all the emotional and physical labor around the house, plus being the only person paying any of the bills. I have credit card debt from the move, I now have student loan debt from grad school. He also has student loan debt. When I try to talk about our situation in any way, he gets defensive. Sometimes the defensiveness is justified because I am prone to letting pressure build up until I explode into bitchiness. Sometimes I say, “hey, can you get milk from the store this afternoon?” and get a lecture about what an impossible task that will be for him. He plays video games and chats with his friends. If I want his attention I have to stand off to the side and wait for him to acknowledge me because if I say things he either doesn’t hear me or gets snappy. It was not like this before we moved to current city for my current job, before I felt like I did have a partner. Now I feel like the single mom to a teenage son. We’ve had sex less than 5 times in all of 2016 because I stopped trying to initiate. I think he is depressed but he is uninterested in exploring that as a possibility.

      We live in a death trap. The lights crackle, nothing is up to code, and we constantly have bats (“next time I will have someone check the ceiling for bats” says the landlord every time). My commute is great though! However, we don’t want to sign another year long lease at the Hotel Batsylvania and our landlord declined letting us go month to month. We have had no luck finding a sublet or month to month place that is in our price range and will allow us to have our cats, but we’re still looking.

      We were living on the West Coast prior to current location and stayed with my parents briefly when I got my current job but before we’d found housing. From the moment we moved out my mom has been begging us to come back. They moved to a new house that is further from my work than their old house. “The commute isn’t that bad” she begs “even though I am allergic, you can have your cats, but please live with me, I worry about you!” She is a very lonely woman. Even though I think she is horrible, I know she is lonely and I feel bad. My dad is never around and my brother is not a great conversationalist.

      1. irreverantontheinternet +5

        Part 2: We decided it would make it easier to find a place in the future if we could save up some money. We felt like we didn’t have much in the way of options. We said “Ok, we’ll move in for a little bit.”

        “Are you sure?” She asks. “That would be a terrible commute for you!” (it will. It’s going to turn my ten minute commute into a 1.5 hour commute). “You can stay… but please get rid of your cats.” “Ok, your cat can come but the other two must go.” “Ok, all the cats can come.” “No, none of the cats can come.” All this and the decision is less than a week old.

        I thought about ending things with boyfriend when the move came. What easier way to make a break then to both leave and start fresh? But I must confess, and I know this is wrong, I use him as a shield. My parents are 40% less horrible to me when he is around. I get anxiety if I have to see them alone. When we visit I get anxious if he needs to excuse himself to go to the bathroom because in those 5 minutes they are able to dial the awful right back up. When we decided to move in with them, I knew I was too weak to end the relationship then. Because I need him if I have to be around them. I don’t have friends that I can stay with more than a night or two, I don’t have a friend that can move into my parents house with me. I can’t hide in my room because if I’m gone longer than 5 minutes that is another thing they will pick at, because I am horrible and ungrateful and won’t spend time with them.

        I want to put everything in a cover letter and send it off and say “please save me from all this. I am trained to do what you ask and I need to leave.” But of course I won’t because that’s not professional and if I received a letter like that I’d be more concerned than willing to hire. I have started applying for library positions that do not even require an MLIS because I am that desperate to be further away and as long as I’m not taking a pay cut it’s basically a lateral move. I’m afraid places aren’t considering me because I’m not local but I don’t even care if I get relocation or have to put more moving expenses on my credit card I am ready and willing to go anywhere that isn’t here for the right job. Do I have to inch my way west, changing jobs every few years slowly creeping further and further away until I get somewhere I want to be? It’s more likely my cover letters suck, I suppose. I might start applying for term positions even though none of the ones I’ve found in that category have really been local and relocating for a 6 month grant seems foolish.

        I feel trapped. Everywhere I turn I feel trapped by something else. I feel like it’s all my fault I’m trapped. I could have said no to this job and stayed in Oregon until I found an equivalent. I could have not come back to an area I knew I hated for the promise of a job and being close to grandparents who promptly died. I know that keeping my boyfriend around just to shield me from my parents is immature and selfish but it’s not stopping me from doing it. I feel like a little ball of garbage and I think the only thing I can do right now is ride all this out but I don’t like it, not one bit.

        And if you stuck around to the end of this small novel… thanks, if I had any gold stars, I would give you one.

        1. Annie +15

          Ouch. I’m so sorry.

          You probably don’t want to hear this, but dumping the guy will solve a bunch of your problems. You will have SO MUCH MORE energy to deal with your parents when you do not also have to deal with the crap your ‘boyfriend’ is handing you. ALSO: You will have more money when you are not paying for him. He’s clearly not an equal partner. He’s not putting the work in to keep this relationship alive. It hurts, but it sounds like it’s time to let that die, protect yourself financially and emotionally, and move on.

          Supporting a lame guy is a common mistake, you can recover from this!

          It bites when a parent is sad, but your mom’s feelings are not your problem. You’re an adult, and you deserve respect and autonomy. You are her child, but you are no longer her little girl, and if she can’t respect gentle boundaries than it’s time to set some hard ones. Also, I’m not clear – are you living with your parents right now? Or is the move just coming up in the near future?
          https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/ might be really helpful? It’s a support group for people dealing with selfish or demanding parents.

          Good luck! You can do this.

          2. irreverantontheinternet +2

            Moving in by August 1st (unless something else comes up! I haven’t stopped looking for shorter term rentals/sublets and I have a lot of job applications out. If I have to spend two weeks or whatever between giving notice and going to a new job… whatever, even I can handle that.)

            I will check out that subreddit. My mom’s behavior doesn’t match with what I think of as a narcissist (and I may not have the right definition) but there’s definitely something.

          3. Annie

            You have plenty of time to find somewhere else to live then! Seriously, even if you have to move into an apartment with roommates I would do that instead of moving back home (bonus: it’s the perfect break up excuse if you think boyfriend might be weird about the breakup! Plus, if you’re moving into an apartment with someone already paying their share of the rent, you can afford a nicer place!).

            I did move back in with my parents, and it was a special slice of hell even though they are incredibly supportive and kind. I imagine it would be much worse for you with your parents. 🙁

            I did it for financial reasons, and I would not do that again if I literally had any other options, including ‘living in my car’ on the list of other options. There’s nothing so demoralizing and draining as feeling like a teenager. Getting stuffed back into that box is a huge barrier to personal growth and emotional stability. You deserve a place of your own, and I’m sure you can find one.

          4. chiaroscuromom +4

            You probably don’t want to hear this, but dumping the guy will solve a bunch of your problems. You will have SO MUCH MORE energy to deal with your parents when you do not also have to deal with the crap your ‘boyfriend’ is handing you.

            Can confirm, 10/10 would dump asshole and move into shitty basement apartment every time. You got this, girl.

        2. inkwashed +14

          annie below is pretty much on the money. it is time for the delightful and glorious hannahfish to cut the boy loose and leap.

          honestly? if at all possible, don’t move in with your parents. I just don’t see any possibility of this making your relationship better and will probably only make you more miserable and anxious. if you can swing it in any way, find a place of your own – a small pad, maybe with a month-to-month arrangement while you job hunt, and start taking care of yourself more.

          while I have not, of course, been in your exact circumstances, I have been in very similar ones, and you know what? the tiny apartment I rented after I kicked out the deadweight manchild I had been carrying along, after I gently refused to move in with my parents, was probably the most treasured apartment I have ever lived in because it reminds me so much of the INKWASHED OWNING HER OWN SHIT rebirth part of my life – coinciding, like you, with the end of graduate school.

          xoxoxoxooxo hearts for you

        3. caatness +6

          I am so, so, so sorry. What a stressful, depressing, awful situation.

          I know it feels impossible, but you really can escape, and all of this can be changed.

          Your partner may be a potentially awesome person and mate, but he isn’t now and has set a strong historical precedent of not being so. You deserve better and more. It is totally reasonable to renegotiate things, and if he is not amenable to your needs and desires, there are people out there who would love a chance to be.

          I sympathize the situation with your mom. I am an only child because of my brother’s death and feel intense responsibility towards by parents, especially my mom. But they are adults, as am I, and we are all responsible for our own happiness. Your mom has a tough burden of the care of your brother, but she also has resources and options out there that I bet are untapped.

          Good luck. Come to toastslack if you have not already, if you need some ongoing bolstering and cheerleading. There is some great advice and lots of love there.

          1. irreverantontheinternet +4

            I think part of me hopes he will have a “come to jesus” moment and get his shit together and start contributing, but that is probably naive.

          2. Ethylbenzene +8

            Maybe he will but when? When people tell you who they are, believe them. And don’t move in with your parents if you can avoid it. The stress and anxiety will make job hunting soooo much harder. Best of luck to you, this sounds so awful.

          3. Annie

            He won’t get his life together while you are taking care of everything. Why should he? He’s not going to improve until he has reason to, and right now he doesn’t have a reason.

            This relationship may have been great before (I have no data either way) but it’s clearly bringing both of you down now. Fly free and let him learn he needs to spread his wings.

        4. menspraetrepidans +5

          I can’t say what the other posters have said any better, so let me just add that I am currently job hunting in the same field and it is definitely a mind-fuck! This is my second job-hunt post-Masters and it’s mildly better but still exhausting. It’s so hard to feel like you’re just sending things off into the void, but don’t give up–I’ve gotten interview offers up to two and a half months (!!) after I applied. #anecdata, I know, but hopefully comforting.

          *giant librarian hug*

          1. irreverantontheinternet +5

            I went to a regional archivist conference this spring and someone there told the story about how they applied for a job when they were not pregnant and interviewed when they were 9 months pregnant which is an insane span of time! So it does give me some comfort to know that not hearing anything after 2 months is not a death knell it’s also like… come on! If you want me let me know!

        5. RoseCamelia +8

          I’m with Annie. Cut him loose. You deserve better. And he could only benefit from being required to look after himself without you.

          And set boundaries with your parents. Better to rent a room in *any* other house than to live with your folks. Saving money is not as important as your living quarters being a personal sanctuary.

        6. allanaaa +1

          Ohhhhhhh I want to take care of you, cut your ties and come to the east coast and I will take you in and get you a job in my library and everything will be okayyyyyyyyy

  49. barnkat +27

    Hey toasts–new to the open thread/mostly lurker here. Just wanted to pop in to say that I’m having a really tough time right now–decided yesterday in my therapist’s office that it’s time to close my business. I started it a year ago and it’s been my dream for going on a decade, but the level of stress has massively fed my depression and anxiety. I’ve reached critical levels and I don’t see anything changing in the near future. Not getting a lot of understanding or support from those closest to me, and just having a lot of confusing feels about my whole life.

    So just wanted to say that it feels strange to be doing this as the toast is closing, because it’s been a real bright spot for me for the past several years. And it’s encouraging to think that the toast will live on on slack/Reddit/etc., changed but not gone. Hoping for a parallel in my life with that too. Thanks for all the articles, link roundups and comments from all y’all–it’s a special and wonderful community here, and I feel pretty lucky that I got to be a wallflower part of it. <3

    1. iosognodisonno +12

      If you know it’s the right decision, then that’s all you need to know. Anyone around you that doesn’t get it now will get over it.

      Dreams aren’t something that should force us into corners. You’ve tried it, you realized it didn’t make you happy, and now you can move onto the next thing. That’s a much nicer position to be in than not having tried it yet.

    4. ann_surely +4

      Internet hugs – what a difficult decision, I know, but it will be worth it to unload the stress.

    5. parlato1973 +3

      i’m so sorry, this is a very hard decision. i have been in business awhile, and briefly i took a short-term contract that emulated a temporary full-time job and i had no idea that it would hit me like a ton of bricks that i had somehow given up on my business, within which my identity was very much wrapped. i did figure out how to get over it, and mainly looked at the light at the end of the contract, but this is very hard, because striking out on your own is personal, so choosing to end it is personal too.

      is there a way you can part-time it for awhile and get some other sort of part-time gig that will stabilize things while you decide what to do? sometimes there are stop-gap measures that give you some breathing room so you can put off the most drastic decisions.

  50. annacardea +79

    The other day I dreamed about The Toast’s Open Thread. I started off by reading the comments but then I was actually physically in the comments, wandering around and reading the words floating in the space. It was lovely and very cozy and I was kind of sad to wake up.

      1. inkwashed +7

        greatest comment.

        also, just wanted to add that I loved ghostwriter but my mom wouldn’t let us watch it with any regularity because she didn’t approve of the ghost part. I was always delighted when I could sneak-watch it.

      2. annacardea +1

        I haven’t read that post yet! Though it’s on my list. As everyone here, I’m clearly connected with The Toast on a deep level. 😀

        1. Unreadaethel +1

          I genuinely don’t know what I’m going to do after new content stops happening.

    5. Kittygoesroar +6

      That image may become my new happy place. Floating in a sea of toast words.

    6. amardine +4

      Oh my god, I want this. Maybe if I think about it enough before bed, it will happen!

  51. menspraetrepidans +6

    Savannah Georgia toasties! I had an interview in your fair city this week, and at the risk of jinxing myself (*knocks on wood forever*), I think it went well! So now I want to ask, what are your favorite and least favorite things about Savannah? What should I absolutely know if I get the chance to contemplate moving there?

    More broadly, how in the hell do people research new cities? I’ve found lots of sites, but the sheer deluge is overwhelming and I don’t know who to trust a lot of the time…

    1. Linabobeena +1

      I am not a Savannah Toasties, but I did live there for a few years about a decade ago. Very briefly:
      Pros: beautiful, affordable, great food and bars, superficially very friendly, close to the beach and fun islands, liberal compared to a lot of places around there, creative young people have gathered there
      Cons: hard to avoid the old Savannah insularity of the place, racism is rampant, classism is also bad, there are no mountains, the summers are brutal hot and humid.
      Kind of a mixed bag, but I think the good outweighs the bad by sort of a lot.

      1. menspraetrepidans +2

        thank you!! this is about my impression of it, so it’s good to have validation that it’s accurate.

        I’m from NOLA, and I’m currently living in an even more deep south area, so honestly the cons (while they are definitely cons) are at least recognizable and doable and better than where i am now.

  52. ectocool +11

    This week was nothing but one professional blunder after another. I’m going to be putting out fires from my actions for a while yet.

    Tomorrow is our summer reading kickoff at a street ~festival, which invariably means standing in scorching sun (as there are never enough chairs under our tent), yelling at people (as it is too loud and crowded), and not eating (as lines for overpriced food vendors take too long and never give you enough food anyway). We will be ‘helped’ by ‘volunteers’ who are great at taking up space and little else. Can you tell I’m really looking forward to this?

    But I do have OINTB to look forward to tonight, so hooray!

    1. mosylu +2

      Summer reading solidarity hugs

      Edit: and apparently I fail at embedding gifs. Halp?

    2. kitwings +6

      “This week was nothing but one professional blunder after another.”

      my job is a trash fire because I am a trash fire because my job is a trash fire. it seems to be an infinite loop sometimes. may we both escape only slightly singed.

      1. ectocool +3

        ‘trash fire’ is the only way I can describe it, too. May we find fire extinguishers.

  53. WanderingUterus +25

    Toasties, a friend I dearly love had a difficult and premature delivery and baby is in the NICU. Friend is exhausted, overwhelmed, and depressed.

    She and I often send each other care packages when the other is going through a hard time, and I’d like to do the same again, but I feel out of my league here. Usually we send each other things like chocolate, fun socks, Lush bath products, etc., but I don’t see her taking lengthy bubble baths anytime soon and I’m afraid that sending her giant fuzzy socks while her baby is struggling in the NICU would be incredibly tone deaf. Do you have any ideas on what might be appropriate to send her? Or what might actually be useful for her?

    I’m also wondering if maybe I should hold off for a while because I don’t want her to feel like she has to respond to a gift (I wouldn’t expect one, of course, but she might still feel obligated); she isn’t up to the deluge of people currently swamping her with their well wishes and expecting responses, and I don’t want to inadvertently add to her stress. But I also don’t want her to think that I’ve forgotten about her, and I feel like it might be weird if she’s used to getting care packages from me whenever she has the sniffles but radio silence when there is a real problem. Any ideas you have would be much appreciated, thank you!

    1. geekcrackteam +25

      Personally, I think a fun silly care package would really cheer me up in this kind of situation. It means your thinking of her. Along with a nice card/letter, and maybe something small for the baby (A hat? Babies always need hats.)

      If she’s still in hospital, things like socks, ear plugs and sleep masks would probably be quite welcome. Maybe a nice small blanket to make her feel a bit homely?

      Maybe not bath products, but nice face cream or hand cream maybe? If she’s hanging around a hospital a lot, something luxurious to make her feel better (I have a face cream obsession, and especially if I’ve been crying its the first thing I reach for.). Chocolate is never a bad present IMO.

      Your a very good friend, and I hope your friend and her baby are doing better soon!

    2. craneyourneck +21

      There are clothes specifically for babies in the NICU, which might be a nice gift. As long as you include something for the baby, everything else for her seems justified. Fuzzy socks and good-smelling lotions, etc. are great. Gift certificates for restaurants near the hospital might be nice, especially if they deliver.

      When friends of ours had a very early baby, a group chipped in to get a house-cleaning service for them. They’d been at the hospital on and off for weeks and hadn’t had time to think about their own space. That sort of gift certificate might be good down the line? (But only if you think your friend would take that as a gift and not a hint, of course.)

    3. theviciouscircle1 +68

      Some good advice from my mother, who in addition to being a certified Opinionated Person was a nurse for many years:

      When other people are suffering, don’t worry about doing the one right thing that will reduce or remove their suffering. That thing does not exist, and looking for it doesn’t help. Instead, do that thing that you do. Bake muffins, or sit and listen, or make a fun silly care package, or come over to watch a movie. That thing that you do is the right thing.

    4. PaigePoo +19

      A friend of mine had her baby very early, and he was in the NICU for ~8 weeks. She really appreciated help around the house (housecleaning, professional or otherwise) and help getting food/groceries (either physical help or monetary help). In addition to fuzzy socks for the hospital, what about a big blanket or cozy sweater? Hospitals are cold. Anything that could brighten up the baby’s space in the hospital, like drawings, pictures, or cards. What about a new book for her to read, or some music to listen to?

      You’re a great friend! Thoughts go out to your friend and her baby.

    5. ConcinnityB +13

      is there an option for takeaway vouchers or similar? she might not wanting to be cooking right now, and sometimes it’s deeply comforting to have food brought to you without any effort on your part or having to plan for groceries and etc. It’s also something you can do from a distance. You could also potentially have a supermarket deliver some easily microwavable/ovenable meals that can just be thrown in without much thought?

    6. emmysuhweeks +3

      Maybe a heartfelt card, and small things like snacks/candy she can eat in the hospital? Not a huge, over the top sort of care package that requires a lot of attention (unpacking, trash, transporting, etc.) but something smaller that shows you care?

      I hope things start to look up and that she and baby and family are well.

    7. WanderingUterus +20

      These are all such great ideas! Thank you so much! I really appreciate the suggestions both for things that she can have with her in the hospital, and services that can be useful to her at home. And thank you especially for the reassurance that it’s okay to send lighthearted things like we usually do with each other. She is so (understandably) stressed right now, and I don’t want to make her feel worse with my good intentions. Her FB wall is FULL of well-intentioned people trying to cheer her up by telling her that this is God’s plan for their family and he’ll never give them more than they can handle, that she’s actually lucky that she got to skip the last couple months of pregnancy (I mean, I think that person was trying to joke, but wow)… actually there’re a whole bunch of people trying to explain how this is actually a positive thing if she just looks at it the right way, not all of them joking, and I think they really do mean well, but… no, just no. So I REALLY want to make sure that in my attempt to let her know I care and I’m here for her if she wants me, I do not join the ranks of those people.

      3. lemonadefish +24

        The best gift you could give her is to go kick all those “well-wishers” right in the shins.

        But apart from that, I also encourage you to send a light-hearted package. My daughter was in the NICU for four weeks, and while it was very stressful, it was also very boring! I was only allowed to hold her for 30 minutes every three hours, so I really just sat around for most of the day. Small activity books, maybe a little craft kit (nothing too messy or with any smells though), really really pleasant novels – anything small and easy to put down at a moment’s notice.
        Also perhaps a very large cup with a lid and straw if she is breastfeeding / pumping (she will be SO THIRSTY), unscented lotion (NICU soap is harsh), packable, non-messy, nutritious and sustaining snacks (can’t eat in the baby’s room, don’t really want to leave).
        Also any housecleaning, food, or massage gift certificates you might like to include would surely be appreciated.
        A few people sent me things for the baby, but they just seemed kind of weird to me. Like, she can’t play with the stuffed rabbit, there is no point in having it here. But your friend may feel differently! The hospital will provide clothes, and we were happy to just let them, but some of our roommates did bring their own (downside of that is that then you have to wash them yourself, which, no).
        Also I was lucky enough to get more time off of work, so I could in fact be at the hospital all day every day – if your friend has more limited leave, and has to go back to work now so she can take off when the baby comes home (or if her baby is hospitalized in a different city (some babies we knew lived three or four hours away, ug)), then she may need different things (possibly a fairy godmother).

        (I am a little bit glad I did not have to do the last two months of pregnancy. I would MUCH RATHER have not done the NICU, but it was a high spot…)

      4. ladyimogen +11

        When a friend’s father died unexpectedly, the care package I sent her included some silly things (a ridiculous romance novel and some fairy tale retellings in case she needed to escape reality for a bit) and also some things that acknowledged her grief (soothing tea, a teddy bear made out of really soft fabric for crying into). It was definitely intimidating to think about what would be somewhat cheerful without adding to the chorus of people who were trying to make her cheer up when she wasn’t ready. If there are things you can include that send the message of “it’s okay to be freaked out/upset/stressed/etc.” as well, it sounds like she might appreciate that right now.

    8. betsymore +11

      Oh gosh that’s so hard. Sending good wishes to you and her (and the sidest of side-eyes for anyone telling her this is GOD’S PLAN, go fuck yourselves).

      Everyone has made good suggestions, and I will just add that you will not be doing the wrong thing. If you are really worried that she might be expected to respond, just include in your note “I love you. I am here for you if/when you need to talk/cry/scream. Otherwise, do not respond to this – you have more important things on your mind.”

      I had friends say things like that when my baby was born (full term, thankfully, but still a busy and overwhelming time) and it was very sweet.

    9. Linabobeena +5

      My baby was in the NICU for several weeks and it sucked. I would send baby gifts – celebrating the baby is still fun if they aren’t home yet, and lots of people forget to say congrats. Also, especially if she is pumping and/or breastfeeding (which she probably is), send snacks, baked goods, and candy. I had such a sweet tooth and loved getting snacks to eat when I was up at night. You’re a good friend!

  54. CleverManka +169

    Oh beloveds, I broke up with Tom Hiddleston. I can forgive him sexing it up with whomever he chooses (I encourage it, actually) but I can’t with the staged photos, tackiness, and just overall bad taste/choices of the whole beach-kissy thing. Today I unfollowed the Hiddleston blogs, etc. Looking at his face now makes me irritated. It might be a while before I can use gifs of him again. It was a good run, Tom. Too bad you had to fuck it up.

    In other news, It Finally Happened To Me: the Burgomaster was talking about The Toast to his summer short fiction writing workshop, mentioned me, and someone said “wait, your partner is Clever Manka?”

        1. inkwashed +20

          omg this story is the best ever.

          also, my condolences for your loss. RIP, tom.

          xo

          1. CleverManka +56

            I want to make myself a tee shirt that says “I used to be someone on The Toast.”

        1. ballisticjaguar +7

          What movie is it? I am finding that gif mesmerizing and I want to watch the thing it came from.

          2. ballisticjaguar +6

            Huh. I have never had a desire to watch that movie before now. Time to see what I was voluntarily missing!

    3. geekcrackteam +33

      I too have a lot of complicated HiddlesFeels right now. However Sebastian Stan is waiting in the wings for his chance to shine.

    5. caatness +14

      That gif is fantastically you, somehow. I am All About It.

      My condolences on your break-up. Truly, your loss is our loss. (Seriously, wtf with that beach situation? Have some self-respect. I cannot fathom what he is getting out of fulfilling That Person’s break-up diary fantasy.)

    7. whollyword +7

      I have been thinking of you since I saw the photos. I think you are well rid of Mr. Yesterday.

  55. craneyourneck +43

    The year of long distance (also, coincidentally, our first year of marriage) has an end date at last. We found an apartment! We signed the lease! He resigned from his job! We booked a moving truck! There’s still packing and all sorts of nonsense, but it’s happening. If I had champagne, I’d pop it right about now.

    What do you feel like celebrating this week, friends?

    1. emmysuhweeks +2

      Congratulations!! That’s really awesome, I can’t imagine a long distance relationship, it seems to hard to me. I complain so much about my husband and I having opposite work schedules and barely seeing each other — but actual long distance would be so much harder. And end dates in sight are always what seems to make long distance relationships work and not end tragically.

      Hope it all goes smoothly!!

  56. longlostlullaby +11

    Just spent too much at IKEA for the second time this month.

    I’m curious because of a friend’s current situation and a story about a friend of a friend: Do relationship breaks ever work? It seems like it’s always just the death knell, with one or more people just not quite yet at the point of admitting that a relationship’s over.

    1. lemonadefish +5

      I do not know of any breaks that have worked. But it sounds theoretically possible.

    2. gcf +4

      Sometimes. I can think of one set of humans I know in person for whom this worked and one celebrity. There’s a lot of factors. My one “break” was definitely just the we-still-love-each-other-but-one-of-us-doesn’t-have-requisite-penis self-discovery multi-year end. He’s lovely, I still don’t have a penis and we’re both happy; but Current Me would have just ended things and started the many sexing of unimportant men 2 yrs sooner for both of us. We could have compared notes.

    3. inkwashed +7

      I don’t know about relationship “breaks”, but I do know of lots of people who went through phases of off-and-on, breakup/get back together (eg: my parents, who famously split/reunited like 8 times before getting back together, now married for 36 years).

    4. dashitall +2

      I have never known a break to work. But sometimes you can take a step back to get some space, I think. I moved out of a shared living space with my boyfriend (we were young and he was a bad roommate) and we managed to stay together, work it out, and eventually move in together again.

    5. meat lord +4

      Well, this wasn’t exactly a break, but I did stop living with my college BF, and our relationship lasted for about a year afterward. What I credit with that relationship’s ultimate end was A) the prospect of being long-distance indefinitely and B) the damage that my inadequately treated mental illness did to my ability to be a partner and participate fully in our relationship [ayyyyylmao and finger guns]

    6. tppnceberesford +2

      it worked for my best friend and her bf (now husband):
      they’d been together since senior year of high school, and senior year of college took a several-month-long break. It was long distance and he was getting rather smothery with communication requests, and since they were young’uns she wanted some space, now. then they got back together and married a few years after college/during grad school. They just bought a house last year. They’ve always been pretty mature people with clear ideas about what they wanted.

  57. geekcrackteam +12

    Life is still kinda crappy, but I’m back on my meds and the nausea and stoned-ness seems to have passed after two days. I definitely feel a bit more ‘even’ now, I’m not quite falling into the spirals of thoughts and despair like I was.

    Haven’t spoken to my housemate yet since she went off on me about the rent; everyone was really helpful yesterday though, thank you for reassuring me. I’m kind anxious in the house now because I don’t want to just bump in to her, but hopefully we can just move on.

    We had intended to do a garden drinks things tomorrow, but since I haven’t heard from her I don’t know if that’s still happening? Its not like i have other friends to invite. I’ve invited our new housemate anyway, so the worst thing is we just have drinks together.

  58. thebeagee +23

    I realized lately that I’ve been sleeping in later and later. Part of it is a result of my anxiety keeping me awake all night (“hey, let’s think about death and every bad decision I’ve ever made that led me here!”) and part of it is just feeling generally bleak and lying in bed thinking “what’s the point?” every morning.

    I wish I felt like my life was finally going to have a turn for the better, but I just can’t muster the energy anymore. I can’t even feel hopeful when I apply for jobs anymore. I just do it on auto pilot and never expect to hear anything. I swing between feeling the crushing guilt of living with my parents and brother again when I had been moved out once (years ago now) and just a general numbness.

    My mom thinks I should try harder to write and get something published, but it’s hard to keep up the momentum to get something completely written and finished. I spent money I didn’t have to present an in-progress paper at a conference in March and I still haven’t finished the paper, never mind shopped it around anywhere.

    1. LaxMom +7

      I find that the sleeping in, more than anything else, is the 2×4 that tells me, “it’s time to get on some antidepressant meds again”. Especially when it just creeps up into more and more and more sleepiness. I think it would be worth it to see a doctor/therapist and discuss depression symptoms.

      1. thebeagee +1

        I have no money and no health insurance (long-term unemployed). And while I do respect antidepressant meds a lot, I don’t really want to drug myself as a way of coping with being an unemployed 30-yr-old with no job, social circle, or independence.

        1. mydonkeyfeet +10

          being an unemployed 30-yr-old with no job, social circle, or independence.

          Those are not actually terrible things, and they might not be the cause of your depression but possible side effects of it. I know that when I get depressed, my work motivation and socializing degrade quickly, and it’s hard to work on improving them when my mental health is low. There’s no shame in using meds to help yourself get back to healthy and normal.

          You might be able to sign up for Obamacare for not too much money – mine is only like $60 a month, and I do have job income, so yours might be even cheaper. Then a doctor visit copay is $25 for me, and my current meds are about $20 a month. (My previous meds were $9 for a three month supply! Good old days.) I know it’s rough, I’ve been unemployed too, and have lived with my parents, and have lived on my own but gotten lots of help from parents. Parents like to help, generally. To me, I think health is even more important than jobs, social circle and independence right now. They’ll come in good time.

          2. thebeagee +3

            Even that is more money than I can afford. I’m paying off 2 credit cards and a student loan. My parents lost a house, my mom is also long-term unemployed, my dad got downsized outta TWO jobs, my brother had a part-time job and now nothing. I am literally sharing a bedroom in a tiny apartment with my brother right now. My last “job” was a couple years at a museum with no pay while they kept insisting I would get paid at some point when they got the budget, so I actually haven’t had any real income since grad school.

        2. lemonadefish +12

          I don’t really want to drug myself as a way of coping

          I just started drugging myself recently, and it’s been amazing. It’s not that the drugs (setraline and trazadone, for depression and anxiety) *are* the way of coping, but they support me enough that I am actually capable once again of coping with things. Like, I still have to climb the ladder, but I don’t have to carry 100 pounds of old newspapers up with me.

          There may be free clinics in your area that can help you, or therapists with sliding scales who would see you for very very little or nothing at all. Please look for some! You can feel better, and when you feel better, you will interview better, and have more energy to write.

        3. Mrs_Peel +4

          I don’t know if you’ve already looked into this, but (depending on what state you’re in) you might be eligible for Medicaid coverage.

          There may also be organizations in your area that provide care on a sliding scale.

    2. mydonkeyfeet +8

      I’m at exactly the same point. But my doctor and counselor have gotten me on some new antidepressants and rare occasional Ambiens which are helping, and I have phone chats with my counselor every two weeks to check in, and it helps knowing that I’ll sort of be held accountable and I’ll have to tell her how my sleep schedule is going. She has me working on going to bed at a reasonable time every night (midnight) and getting up at a reasonable time every morning (8:00) and resisting naps (agh!). I’m not quite there yet, but it gives me one goal to work toward. Do you want to be my Toast Slack sleep schedule depression buddy? (I’m also new at Toast Slack so I’m still learning. Are you there?)

      1. thebeagee +2

        I still don’t really know what Slack is? I saw people mentioning it when the Toastie-twitter-follow-a-thon happened, but I still don’t even know…where it is in the internet?

        1. mydonkeyfeet +1

          I know, how does anybody know anything? I think you email this magical person and ask for an invite. I hope it’s ok to just post it here.
          ppyajunebug at gmail dot com

          2. thebeagee +3

            Okay, I’m on the Slack as thebeagee! I’ll fumble around until I get the hang of it 🙂

          3. mydonkeyfeet +1

            Yay! I’ve just joined the mental health channel, so maybe I’ll see you around there.

  59. ConcinnityB +8

    I went to see the Warcraft movie the day before yesterday! It was incredibly confusing and I’m still not 100% on what happened or why. Can anyone fill me in on [spoilers, I guess?] what the fell is, why not-Anders was corrupted (?) by it and when, why he opened the gate to let the orcs through, what happened to the orcs left on the other side of the portal (all the kids and families, geeze!), what the deal was with magic school and that kid running away from it? Also I am all for noble sacrifice but the King’s sacrifice was not very smart. DO NOT KILL YOURSELF FOR A FEW DAMN PEASANTS. YOU ARE THEIR LEADER AND ALL YOUR CHILDREN ARE TOO YOUNG TO RULE. THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE THAT YOUR DEATH WILL SPARK A SUCCESSION CRISIS AND THEY WILL DIE because THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS TO CHILD KINGS and also it will FUCK UP YOUR COUNTRY WHEN THEY SHOULD BE FIGHTING ORCS. [/spoilers]

      1. ConcinnityB +2

        Going on a wiki-trawl /does/ answer some questions, though I feel like having to go search through the lore wiki to understand the plot is… not good, really (I was not 100% on what a guardian was, and Sargeras was not mentioned at all. which is probably for the best).

        over-all, I feel like it was made for superfans, not for people like me who are familiar with bits of it (played the mmo up to lich king, and a couple of the rts games) or don’t know it at all. I think they also tried too hard to hammer in all the lore bits that ‘need to happen’, which lead to having too many plot threads, which really made character development suffer – they could definitely have cut about 75% of the orc’s storylines without any significant change to the film or it’s ending (which would be a shame, because they were a lot more interesting then anything the humans were doing). It’s one of those films that’s kind of a beautiful mess, where you can see bits and pieces and storylines that would have been great if they’d had the chance to shine rather then needing to be dragged along quickly so they can get where they need to go? I don’t know if I’d go out of my way to see it again, but I’d definitely watch it if it was on TV.

  60. spring chickens +6

    Does anyone have favorite plant recommendations for zone 6b gardens? For the first time in my life I have a garden of my own (well, rented, but I have permission to plant, and it’s biggish). I know I will put in rosebushes, but what type?
    And then — possibly tomatoes, elderflower bushes, herbs, mullein, butterfly bushes, cornflowers — what (else) do you recommend??

    1. OoTheHumanities +7

      Pretty purple salvia to fill in places — it grows fast and easy, is so cheerful, has a zillion varieties and bees love it!

    2. bird_internet +5

      My parents have elderflower in their yard– it gets HUGE and you have to prune it regularly or it will collapse under the weight of its fruit! But the berries make pretty good jelly. I would also say raspberry or blackberry bushes, rhubarb, mint or catnip, bee balm, black-eyed susan– all very hard to kill!

      Also if you’re really into tomatoes and you want to take a page from Dad Magazine, my dad built his own hydroponic tomato system in a rubbermaid tub and grows crazy, taller-than-a-person plants. I think these are the blueprints he used: http://www.mvud.org/site/uploads/Hydro%20Tomato%2…

      1. spring chickens +4

        thank you both! Salvia sounds great. And raspberry, rhubarb (didn’t even think of that), mint, and bee balm.

        Yay elderflower — I will be delighted to prune it! I love their smell, and I use the flowers as well as the elderberries — maybe your parents have tried that too? Young flowers make a really nice fresh tea, or you can do a cordial/syrup if you soak it with some lemon & orange & sugar overnight.

        Very big on plants that either I, my pet rabbit, or the bees & butterflies would like to consume. 🙂

        1. bird_internet +1

          I haven’t– I visit my parents in late summer every year and part of the deal is that I make jam and jelly from the stuff that’s in their yard at that time, so I only ever see the berries!

    3. lbolesta +1

      I planted parsley a few years ago and it keeps coming back. All herbs do well, though I find that by the time my basil gets to a sustainable size, hail or freeze kills it.

      Look for a fast-maturing tomato. Since our growing season is kind of short, the hotness tomatoes need tends to happen really late in the season.

    4. fenixdawn +2

      My mom swears by Knock Out Roses, and when it comes to gardens she usually knows what she is talking about.

  61. SmrtCookie +18

    How do you know when it’s time to cut your extended family out of your life? I only see my cousins, their families, and my aunts and uncles 2-3 times a year and everyone used to be on their best behavior. The past couple times there have been a few uncomfortable statements but the hatred and bigotry they’re spewing all over the internet just keeps ramping up. (Everyone us unfriended and blocked now.) Plus there are some irresponsible gun owners and some who carry regularly and I’m increasingly uncomfortable with that. The only con to skipping extended family functions is it would cause major damage with my relationship to my parents which is kind of a big con. So yeah, I have until at least Thanksgiving to think about it but ugh, why does my family have to suck?

    1. emmysuhweeks +16

      This is a hard situation. I haven’t cut off officially my extended family, but I’m definitely more careful and aware of how much duty and obligation I feel to them. I think it’s harder, because sometimes, you’re closer or at least FEEL/SEEM closer when you’re younger, and then when you’ve grown up, you realize how much of your adult relationship is just because you’ve known them a long time, and your parents grew up together, etc.

      As with any relationship, my guidelines are always — does this person bring positive things into my life? Do they contribute happiness and/or support? Does this person make me feel bad about myself? Do I feel safe around them? Do I get back the energy I put into the relationship?

      Depending on the answers — it may be time to at least start slackening your effort. I’ve found a lot of times just drawing gentle, almost unnoticeable boundaries is the best way. No official fight or declaration, just don’t put energy into those relationships. Block them or don’t respond. You have no obligation to keep ANY sort of relationship alive that doesn’t actually help and support you.

      1. CleverManka +14

        You have no obligation to keep ANY sort of relationship alive that doesn’t actually help and support you.
        You have no obligation to keep ANY sort of relationship alive that doesn’t actually help and support you.

    2. parlato1973 +1

      is there a chance you can start an open dialog about this with your parents now? it doesn’t have to be about the reasons why you don’t want to be part of the extended family, but maybe about rearranging things so that you see them [parents only] for holidays and can attend to your, uh, “very busy lives” without also having to go to all the family stuff?

      i love my family, but they are very set in their holiday plans. hexmas is always at one person’s house, easter [i am not even religious, so the idea of easter is silly to me] is always at another, thanksgiving is always somewhere else. i always wanted to have my own thanksgiving, or do things with friends who live in town away from family for wintertimes, or something not so predictable. this is mostly my dad’s family, so i talked to my dad about it and asked if he’d be open to some different traditions and see if we could get our extended family to do non-religious/non-holiday hanging out so we could actually see them without it having to be a jesus time. so we are moving that way.

      but i can see where you might not want to see the extended family ever, and i think if the main people you’re worried about are your parents, work on them.

  62. littlehuntingcreek +34

    Looking forward to baking bread this weekend, and finishing a baby quilt . This quilt is for my niece, for whom I distinctly remember making a baby quilt back when I was in college.
    How dare she grow up and get married and have a baby herself, just to make me feel old.

    1. betsymore +14

      How dare she grow up and get married and have a baby herself, just to make me feel old.

      RUDE

    2. adoptraya +6

      It’s the CIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRCLE OF LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE

  63. paisleyLo +24

    Ugh Toasts. I lost my second source of income yesterday. The one that keeps me in food and gas for my car and other life-needed things.

    So now I’m in survival mode for a part-time contract(?) thing because I can’t go back to retail (I CANNOT) and I already have a full time job, which, while great, does not pay anything except the bills. Bare minimum. When I told paisleybro how much I made a month after taxes he laughed incredulously. This is where I’m at.

    It’s so frustrating. I have two Masters degrees. I have years of experience. I didn’t go into the Museum field to make my fortune and go sailing on the Riviera every summer, but I had hoped to be able to live in an apartment and keep myself in foodstuffs other than canned soup.

    So…any suggestions for creative ways to get a little extra cash that doesn’t involve selling my eggs or doing anything illegal?

    1. freshwaterpearl +25

      Tutoring? I used to do test prep tutoring for college admissions exams. There seems to be a pretty steady demand for that, and it’s an evenings and weekends kind of gig.

    2. LaxMom +9

      See if you can get a job with Kaplan, training people for SAT or GRE or LSAT courses? That seemed appealing to me for a while. They do give you some up-front training, and you have a bit of control over when your classes are held, I think.

      1. paisleyLo +3

        Tutoring seems to be a thing! I’m definitely going to check out my local Kaplan/Kaplan equivalent, thanks!

        1. Erica +2

          Or even just doing one on one tutoring (which often pays in cash). My husband did this in the summer time when he was off from teaching. He found the student through a family friend and then got a few more referrals as well.

    3. sausagedog +15

      It is total BS that anyone can work a full time job and not be able to afford apartment/food/gas. I’m so sorry.

      Any artistic leanings? I did part time patent drafting for a while in college, and it paid extremely well for something that didn’t take many hours to do.

      I don’t know how to get into this, but I know there’s a market for language conversation partners on Skype– and since many people who are learning English live in different countries, the time zone difference might make it easy to schedule around your work hours.

      1. paisleyLo +9

        It’s true. I hate to say it’s a Millennial issue, but…I’m not the only highly educated person in my circle who’s having a hard time being even moderately successful. Thank you for empathizing.

        And your suggestions are great, thank you for those as well!

    4. iosognodisonno +4

      Dog walking or sitting. I’ve been on DogVacay and Rover for a while and like them. They offer a few services you can sign up for, so even if hosting dogs in your own home isn’t an option, there may be some options on there that are.

      1. nopemobile +3

        I was just talking to an Uber driver last night who says she can make $50-100 on any given weeknight and work is very steady throughout the year in our small college city. I was surprised to hear it could be so stable, I guess, for the rep the company has.

        1. adoptraya +2

          I am not an Uber/Lyft driver myself, but a friend of mine was supporting himself driving fulltime as a Lyft driver.

          In my area (Austin), he said that driving during the week didn’t really bring in a lot of money, but that the surge pricing on Friday and Saturday nights helped him bring in enough to live on.

          Sadly for him, Austin voted to make sure that Uber/Lyft drivers had to meet the same standards as taxi drivers, and then the two companies threw a huge hissy fit and decided to take their toys and leave Austin. I voted against them, but I feel bad that he is now out of work.

      2. shartbreaker +1

        Yeah, I think I mentioned before my boyfriend makes about $80 on a weeknight, which is like 10pm-2am. It’s not all party people on the weekends–he mostly takes people to airports or hotels at night and during the day it’s people trying to get to work or to lunch. We figured for that shift he chose for himself made him about $2,000 a month. And you can work any shift you want obviously, so… yeah, it’s cool. Give it a try.

    6. Ethylbenzene +2

      It takes a while to get set up and start getting tests, and it’s not super consistent, but I make an extra $10-$30 a week testing websites and apps. It’s pretty easy though, and you can leave the “dashboard” open in a tab to get notifications if you’re working from home or surfing the web or whatever. Just a thought. https://www.usertesting.com

    7. citystillbreath +3

      I’ve plugged online transcription work on here before. It’s certainly not creative or wellpaid, but it’s easy, and you learn a lot, and I’ve been able to earn enough to pay back credit card debt that was seriously killing me every month (the late fees just kept putting me more and more and more in the hole). ETA: I found this work on Craigslist… and not even the Craigslist of my city! I found that a lot of bigger companies only advertise in the biggest cities: NYC, LA. Maybe Chicago. So if you troll around there, you might find some online work that you can do from anywhere. I’ve gotten editing and tutoring work that way. Also even the Craigslist for your town can have one-off gigs that turn into regular paying jobs. Good luck!

    8. paperbgprincess +2

      Do you live in an urban area? I’ve been working for TaskRabbit for the past couple months and I’m making a surprisingly pleasant amount of money. I can set my own hourly rates and schedule and most of the projects I get are interesting and sometimes even fun!

      1. paperbgprincess +1

        Also, if you work a lot of events, like I do, there is a ton of excellent leftover food! I literally bring a Ziploc in my purse & there is very often lots of cheese I can take home.

  64. Rapunzel +12

    UN-STEREOTYPICAL/SURPRISING TASTES.

    The other day I went to see Bruce Springsteen. I’ve loved his music for 22 years already, but finally I got to see him. It was wonderful. When I looked at the audience though, I noticed, apart from the age-range (30-60) and trendiness (not), the overwhelming whiteness (100%). The combination of living in a country in North-western Europe and the cultural stereotype of the average Springsteen fan didn’t make this a shocking find, but it did get me thinking.

    a) Would there be any black/POC Springsteen fans? In the US or the UK or Canada? Last year I saw a YouTube clip where a black dude was belting out ‘Living on a Prayer’ with all his heart & soul, so suddenly it didn’t seem that unlikely anymore…

    b) Do you have any ppl in your life with ‘taste anomalies’? Does your 80yo Grandma love horror movies? Does your Great Uncle love Justin Bieber or Candy Crush? Is your 5yo Nephew crazy about Mozart? Etc etc etc

    Mine: My aunts & uncles gave my grandfather a subscription to Donald Duck magazine (aimed at children 6-12) as a prank. But he renewed it every year until his death at 79.

    1. paddlepickle +18

      A. Springsteen live is AMAZING. I attribute one of his concerts to giving me the first push out of a months-long depression.

      B. I was at said concert with my entertainment lawyer uncle and some of his rich white friends, and one of them said “Do you think it makes him sad to look around and see how old this audience is?” And I was like “dude, all my friends love Bruce Springsteen. These tickets cost $150, though, do you think that might have anything to do with it?” So, I don’t know about POC, but he definitely has fans in the younger demographic that just can’t afford to go to his shows.

    2. Beakses +8

      My stepmom’s mom adored Zoolander and Southpark with great enthusiasm in her 70s and 80s

    4. sabinabemani +8

      A 5-year-old girl anachronism who loves Journey, Bon Jovi, and the Spice Girls… a 15-year-old who was super obsessed with Hall and Oates, and was disappointed when she saw them in concert because they were old… her 16?-year-old brother who asked for a Thelonius Monk CD when he was 6…

      I know some weird kids.

    6. LadyBertilak +4

      My 73 year old grandmother is /obsessed/ with Pink Floyd, to the point of having done through all the lyrics on the Dark Side of the Moon album and picking out lyrics she thinks apply to her life. My dad, who’s usually a pretty stereotypical middle aged dudebro, turned me on to ABBA when I was kid.

    7. bower_bird +15

      I was playing one of my heavier Spotify playlists in the car once when my dad was riding in the passenger seat. And The Faint song “Agenda Suicide” came on and my dad was like “is this an alternate version? It doesn’t sound like the album version.”

      WHAT?!

      That same trip home my mother complained about my constant shedding by singing the Dashboard Confessional line “your hair is everywherrrree” line at me.

      My parents might be secretly scene.

    8. Linabobeena +7

      My lovely but very, hmm, sophisticated (snobby) mom loves early music, gardening, cooking, playing the recorder, literary criticism, art museums, and the NFL.

    9. whollyword +7

      I lived with my (very sweet) grandma for a year, and she instituted a weekly tradition of making popcorn and watching “Touched by an Angel” with me, to which she supplied hilariously snarky running commentary.

    10. PallasPerilous +7

      My grandmother’s favorite movie is “In Bruges” but I can’t say that’s entirely out of character, just…unexpected for her demographic.

    11. spring chickens +4

      My grandma generally likes things that were popular in the 1940s as far as I can tell — historical memoirs by important people, serious novels, Michener, embroidery, quilting, musicals, ballroom dancing, making watermelon pickles (or she would if she were still physically capable)… and women’s basketball.

    12. lbolesta +2

      My grandma (small town white lady) loved the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

      And my dad (68) is addicted to Candy Crush.

    13. annacardea +2

      So glad you got to see Bruce live! His shows are always incredible and feel almost like church to me. But yes, his audience does skew middle age and older, male, and white. I think it’s a relic of him being from New Jersey and gaining a lot of his popularity in the 70s and 80s. Like paddlepickle pointed out, his tickets are really expensive — I think it’s worth it and would go to as many shows as possible, even if that meant sacrificing other things to afford it, but not everyone has that option or agrees it’s worth it.

      And for your other question: My otherwise straight-laced father-in-law LOVES AC/DC. And not because he was a fan when they were first really big. Nope, he’s discovered them in the last 5 years. Cracks me up every time.

    14. Contessa +3

      My 8-year-old stepkid got pretty into PG Wodehouse for a bit. He’d say, “can we read some more Mr. Jeeves?”

  65. Scared_Vagina +19

    I am annoyed with life and with 35 minutes left of the work week will be taking myself for an Angry Workout and retiring to my bed to watch old timey movies and whisper comforting things to myself.
    What is your favourite classic Hollywood, Toasts? I’m on a real jag recently as I find the movies super comforting and I like to pretend I live in a time where men were impeccably suited and could tapdance on a whim.

    1. Scared_Vagina +11

      ADDED BONUS my housemate has been sent on a work mission to another country for an unspecified amount of time which means GLORIOUS SOLITUDE in my witch cave.

    2. BestLaidPlans +15

      I just watched Sunset Boulevard the other evening and I always forget how amazing and beautiful and surprisingly current the movie seems to me.

    3. OoTheHumanities +8

      Lately I have been wanting so badly to rewatch Born Yesterday (Judy Holliday & William Holden). Also, weeping incessantly to Garbo’s Camille or The Red Shoes, or swooning over Gigi.

      I wish Netflix streamed more classics. Every damn day I wish this.

          1. happysadcat +3

            It’s what I call Fake TV. Movies, tv shows, obscure anime; make sure you have a very good virus/spyware blocker, for your peace of mind. I’ve been using it for a bazillion years now and still do a weekly Kaspersky scan, because I find good computer hygiene comforting. I’ve never found any bad stuff inserted from an upload site, unlike Torrent.

            As you might expect from a pirate entity, it switches domains occasionally; right now it’s at .li
            Watchseries.cr is another one, but they’ve gotten weird about pushing people onto vpn.

            Megashare is the only place I’ve found “My Favorite Year” and “A Thousand Clowns” and “The Ernie Kovacs Show.” Not to mention they have movies arranged by decade, which is so completely my jam.

            I’m happysadcat on the tweets and IG and the other Toast haven which is not Slack, hit me up! I think we might love the same stuff. <3

    4. Fluffernutter +2

      The Unsinkable Molly Brown! Debbie Reynolds at her best. It’s so funny and heartbreaking and wonderful.

    6. inkwashed +8

      ummmmm casablanca alllll the timeeeee it’s so amazing/problematic/don’t think too hard ok

    7. happysadcat +13

      Allllll the Thin Man movies, even the kind of dumb last one; North by Northwest (Cary Grant’s mom is very much Lord Peter Wimsey’s mom); Frank Capra if sappy idealism + sneaky humor is good for you; HARVEY; and if you’re me, the Marx Brothers. Since I have learned to dance, I extra super appreciate how freaking graceful those gentlemen were.

      2. Genevieve

        Whoa, Cary Grant’s mother as the Dowager Duchess of Denver!! What a thought, I love it. Am now wondering if Henry Higgins’ mother is related.

    9. CleverManka +10

      The Adventures of Robin Hood. The 1938 one with Errol Flynn and Basil Rathbone. SO GOOD. Hm. I might actually watch it tonight. Thank you for making me think about it!

      1. SarcasticFringehead +6

        I’m pretty sure I could reenact that entire movie from memory (also Captain Blood)

        1. CleverManka +5

          I wish you could come over and we would watch it together!
          Why, you speak treason!
          Fluently!

          1. SarcasticFringehead +6

            And then the whale came and the whale ate Jonah. Amen

            Every time someone asks me why I missed out on some big meme/news story/etc., I want to respond “I’ve been at sea, out of touch with the world.”

    10. leslieellenjones +5

      The Awful Truth with Cary Grant and Irene Dunne. Not only the Thin Man movies but anything with William Powell and Myrna Loy, especially Libeled Lady which also stars Jean Harlow and Spencer Tracy. A Slight Case of Murder and Larceny, Inc. with Edward G. Robinson if you’re feeling Runyonesque.

      1. happysadcat +1

        Irene Dunne! I love her so much with her weird buzzy voice and subversive face.

    12. Jungle_Red +4

      The Harvey Girls, The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer (Cary Grant, Myrna Loy + Shirley Temple!), My Favorite Wife, Stage Door…. 🙂

      1. Mrs_Peel +3

        That was going to be my suggestion! One of my very favorite films.

        Any Lubitsch films, really. “The Smiling Lieutenant” is a lot of fun as well.

    15. malamagistra +2

      Auntie Mame! Rosalind Russell, so many life lessons! I watch it when I want to be comforted and encouraged. My family also loves The Russians are Coming, The Russians are Coming (Alan Arkin, Carl Reiner, Eva Marie Saint, Jonathan Winters, Paul Ford); it is a delight and was a bold movie for the time!

    16. Genevieve

      The Shop Around the Corner! (Now on Broadway as She Loves Me, a revival – which will be streaming live on June 30 on BroadwayHD for $10, 1st time ever of a livestream of a Broadway show!!)
      Most Jean Arthur movies, including Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, and screwball comedies The More the Merrier (wartime housing shortage in DC leaves multiple people sharing an apartment at different times of day,); If You Could Only Cook (she talks a random man into posing as her husband so they can apply for jobs as butler and cook).
      Bringing Up Baby (Hepturn as a dizzy leopard owner, Cary Grant as a paleontologist)
      Desk Set, oh how I love Desk Set (Hepburn as the head of a reference library, Spencer Tracy as the man who’s been hired to automate it).

  66. amardine +19

    I did it! I finally sent my Toast Post! I probably shouldn’t be so proud of myself, as it is two months late, but, better late than never? (Also all of my received Toast Posts have made me unreasonably happy <3)

    Two nights ago my short-lived but beautiful relationship came to an end. There was chemistry in heaps and loads, and we truly would have been happy talking to each other until end times, but logistical incompatibility stacked the odds too strongly against us (damn pet allergies, plus some other things). I am unreasonably sad, but at least glad to have experienced it.

    I realized my past two relationships (5 years and <6 months, quite different!) have given me: 1. comfort (with little chemistry or compatibility) and 2. chemistry and comfort (with little compatibility), respectively. [Earlier relationships gave little to none of any!]

    Toasties, do you think it’s possible to find all three – comfort, chemistry, and compatibility? If you had to choose one, or two, which would they be? I had always written off chemistry as less important, because it fades over time, but now that I’ve experienced it – damn, I want.

    1. aitch_ess +10

      If I had to pick one, only, for the person I will be with forever, I say compatibility for the ability to make good life decisions together as a team. Now, that being said, I say you can and (if you want them) should have all three. Chemistry does fade over time in that most people don’t continue to be totally enthralled and amazed by their SO all day every day for decades, but even once the electric fizzle of chemistry isn’t there constantly, it can continue to come up in surges. Sometimes compatibility carries you through a tough time, sometimes the comfort of companionship and a shared history, and sometimes a reignition of chemistry, whether it’s a comment or a glance that creates that chemical charge, or a week-long trip where you shake up your routine and are reminded of this fantastic person in a new setting. Long-term relationships aren’t for everyone at every point in their lives but don’t think committing for the long haul has to mean giving up that connection.

    2. Amalthea +3

      I also prioritize comfort and compatibility. I had chemistry once, and it was electric and tumultuous. It has been 8 years since that relationship ended, and I still have to talk myself down from contacting him on a weekly basis.

      I am with a SO that I completely trust. I can see our life together, and it follows the general patterns I would like, but I don’t find myself too excited about him. It has been a long-distance relationship for a while, which has been surprisingly easy because I don’t miss him or rely on him for emotional comfort, and am much too risk-averse to pursue other romantic avenues. He just told me that he might have to move somewhere else for a 2 year period, and so we’d effectively be living apart for the next 3 years, and it honestly doesn’t bother me much. I would like the stability of sharing a two-earner household with someone I trust, having a partner to bounce ideas off of and eat in restaurants with, and perhaps being able to plan for a family (I think I would really enjoy being a mother). I don’t particularly relish the idea of having sex with this person for the rest of my life, but luckily that is small fraction of the time ahead of us. This seems to be the best I can hope for at this point.

      1. amardine +6

        YES, I just got it yesterday and it truly made my day after a long day of post-breakup crying. Your response card is in the mail too! I love the toast so much <3

    4. teabeey +8

      Well, this makes me feel a bit better that I haven’t sent my Toast Posts yet at least? THIS WEEKEND. I will get them done. I promise (I’m so sorry to my matches)! I’ve received mine already and they’re so lovely!

      For your relationship thing… ugh I can’t pick one. I think all are important. If you don’t have the right mix with the person, then it just won’t work out. I can only think of a “pillar” analogy for your three Cs. If one of the pillars is missing or too short, well you’ve got a poorly constructed piece of Greek architecture/relationship.

    5. safvn +6

      I have been with my once-boyfriend, now-fiance for almost eight years and I feel that we have all three right now (which is nice because we are about to get married!), but chemistry and compatibility have definitely waxed and waned over the years. Both of us are in good places in our personal lives right now, but when one or both of us has been going through harder times, it has not been so easy. I guess my answer is that I do think it’s possible, and that comfort is the most important for me, but that may be different for others.

    6. lemonadefish +6

      I had… hm… six? I think? year or longer relationships, that were pretty okay, good in most respects, etc. I thought that’s just how things were. But with Mr. LF, we are incredibly compatible, very comfortable together, and after nine years still pretty hot in the sack. It is possible! I don’t know how common it is, but it can happen. Good luck!

      1. amardine +2

        Oh, I love hearing this. Thank you for sharing!
        I guess I wonder how it is that you knew to end the other (if I’m interpreting correctly) good-but-not-great relationships? Maybe this is my own specific brand of anxiety speaking, but I have SUCH a hard time letting go of things that are ‘just good’ unless I truly see the good becoming bad (this has mostly been to my detriment).

        1. lemonadefish +4

          Eh, I am not great at ending things / knowing they need to be ended. Eventually, it all just dissolves, I guess? Though that last one, I did end because I could map out the future and tell that it wasn’t going to work – he needed to move to LA, I didn’t really want to; I needed to own a house, he couldn’t imagine ever doing that; I needed someone who was competent at basic household tasks, he was a petulant man-child… etc. (The sex was really hot, and we had a lot of fun together. I still miss being friends with him (a looooong drawn-out breakup process pretty much made it impossible for us to re-friend later).)
          Perhaps a good part of knowing when to end things is having a good grasp on what you need and want. It’s a lot easier to tell if someone meets your needs if you know what your needs are!

    7. CleverManka +8

      do you think it’s possible to find all three – comfort, chemistry, and compatibility
      Yes. I have them with the Burgomaster! It didn’t start that way, though, and it didn’t come naturally. To be honest, they still come and go (there are times he makes me so angry I can’t even look at him and sometimes his habits drive me up a wall) but with a lot of work and dedication we maintain those three things more often than not.

      1. amardine +1

        Thank you! I’m so happy to hear hopeful stories of getting all three and not settling. Also hearing that it didn’t start that way is helpful! I definitely tend to fall into a trap of thinking about how relationships ‘should’ be, so it’s so good to hear about the evolution of different healthy relationships.

    8. meat lord +3

      Of the two relationships I have had since emerging into young adulthood, both my past and my present one have compatibility, chemistry, and comfort. Unfortunately, I think when you’re in your twenties, compatibility fluctuates even more rapidly than chemistry, and can potentially fade much quicker. But all three can be found, if not always kept. I can make peace with that, since I’m marriagephobic and don’t want a life partner.

      I couldn’t pick two out of three. I want three or nothing–which is one reason why I haven’t been in many relationships.

  67. Toft +5

    My sister and parents and I are going to visit Quebec City next week, and it’s going to rain much of the time we’re there. Canadian Toasties, do you know of cool things to do with one’s parents and sister in Quebec City that rain wouldn’t put a damper on?

    1. cinnamonfern +3

      Oh no I hope the forecast is wrong and it doesn’t rain too much!
      I like the Musée de la Civilisation and the Musée National des Beaux-Arts du Québec but unfortunately this one is closed until the 24th.
      Unless it’s really pouring non stop I would still check out Petit Champlain neighbourhood, it’s so pretty and there are many shops and art galleries and pubs where you could take breaks from the weather.
      Have lunch in a fancy old house/tea room at Panache du Parc? It’s in a nice park so it’s even better if the weather is nice, but I imagine it would still be enjoyable (and delicious) if it rains.
      Other than that I guess you’re gonna have to eat a lot of poutine?
      Are you there on the 23rd-24th? June 24th is our national holiday, there is all sorts of celebrating on the night of the 23rd (huge show on the Plaines d’Abraham) and on the 24th. It’s… something!

      1. Toft +1

        Hey, we just finished our trip, and your suggestions were superb!! You pretty much saved our vacation, because we didn’t really know what we were doing and probably would have wandered the city aimlessly without your input. We did almost everything you listed, plus some more outdoorsy stuff because it didn’t rain as much as anticipated! The Musée de la Civilisation was super interesting and it was my dad’s favorite part of the trip, perhaps unsurprisingly if Dad Magazine is to be believed. Panache du Parc was delicious and beautiful. The panini I had there ranks among my favorite sandwiches of all time. We got a bunch of great pictures in Petit Champlain looking up at the Château Frontenac. We weren’t actually on the Plains of Abraham yesterday since it would have been hard to drive into the Old City with all the crowds of people trying to do the same, but we actually got to hear them practice the show a few days before while they were still setting everything up, and we watched the real show live on tv from our hotel. Everyone was so friendly, and forgiving of our feeble attempts to speak French! It was an excellent, excellent vacation. Thanks again, and Bonne Fête Nationale!

  68. bower_bird +63

    I really like hearing people be kind to themselves, so can we have a self-appreciate thread. Give me a recent victory (personal, professional, ridiculous or otherwise) or the best compliments you’ve ever received.

    I’ll start:
    1. A friend of mine – who once, while doing aid work in a dangerous country, was thrown out by the personal decree of its dictator – told me she thinks I belong in Gryffindor
    2. I wore an uncharacteristically short skirt to my local bar recently and the ID check woman told me I had “nice getaway sticks”
    3. My friends and I were doing a round of “who would play you in your biopic” and they settled on young Angelica Huston. For reference (but mostly for drooling over), this is young Angelica Huston:

    Brag at me, Toast.

    1. geekcrackteam +13

      Normally I can brag about myself all day long but right now I’ve got nothing. The world just keeps giving me evidence that is chipping away at my self belief.

      I’ve got good teeth. That’s about it.

      1. PaigePoo +13

        Good teeth are worth bragging about! When someone has really good teeth, it’s mesmerizing

    2. Either_Ada +65

      I feel conflicted about this, because it was a cat-call, but one of my fave compliments ever was: “What kind of lady are you, some kind of sexy librarian?”

      Sir, you SEE ME.

    3. eternal teapot +20

      Several friends told me that Jessica Jones reminds them of me. I choose to believe this is because she’s fierce, not because she is a heavy drinker and broke as f*ck.

      1. PomoFrannyGlass +1

        Ohhhhh yeah, same, but in my case it’s definitely the drinking and rage (I am not currently drinking or rageful, though).

    4. SmrtCookie +49

      My friend designs cards, invites, anything printable. Last week I found a cute “thinking of you” card by one her designer idols so I sent it to her. She called me immediately to thank me and tell me it made her day. Then she posted a pic to Instagram with a cute caption about how great of a friend I am which made my day. Then the designer liked, commented, and regrammed about how much it made her day. Which of course made my friend’s entire month and seeing how excited she was made my entire month. One little card made so many people so happy.

    5. sprinkles6 +22

      In a similar vein, one of the best compliments I received was from my sister in a “who would play you in your biopic”. She told me that while we didn’t have much else in common, the only person who she thought could accurately capture how very little I care about other people’s opinions of me was Lena Dunham. I have been working on not giving a shit about what other people think of me for years and it was really nice that other people have noticed my progress!

      On a separate occasion, she told me that Christina Hendricks as Joan Harris reminds her of me in terms of dressing to accentuate curves. My sister is fantastic at compliments.

    6. ballisticjaguar +16

      So here’s my list:

      1. I had a friend in university who would give compliments to people when she reached a certain stage of drunk. They were totally sincere but often said at inappropriate times and/or very specific and slightly odd. She once told me that I had very nice thighs, proceeded feel them up, and solicited her boyfriend’s agreement about my thighs (however he was only allowed to do this visually, she told him not to touch my thighs they are THAT nice I guess).

      2. I once got a walk-in trim from this haircut salon in a mall by a middle-aged man whose first language was clearly Spanish or a similar language. He spoke to me three times during the haircut: to ask what I wanted, to tell me I had lovely hair, and to tell me I looked excellent in the cut I’d asked for. Maybe he was lying, but he sounded sincere and it was the best haircut experience ever!

      3. One of my first university essays I handed in came back with GLOWING compliments. My TA was known as the tougher TA as far as grading went, and apparently the general quality of essays was pretty poor, so he was quite effusive in his praise. I believe at one point he wrote that he enjoyed the “sparkling morsels of wisdom sprinkled throughout this essay” or something to that effect. I still have that paper and sometimes reread it when I need a pick-me-up.

    7. FitzEmpress +7

      1) One friend and one cashier complimented me on my hair. As it is currently an unstyled george-harrison-level-grown-out pixie, made worse by sweat and wind, I am baffled. (Please do not worry. I brush my hair regularly.)

      2) Another cashier complimented my (purple frames, pink legs) glasses.

    8. Givemebackmehat +17

      I got offered a raise at work (because I’m awesome), but then I realized that it would put me above the cutoff for overtime pay, and I can make twice as much money if I decline it and just start working 3 hours of overtime a week starting in December. Thanks, new overtime laws! Thanks, Obama!

    9. theneedleandthe +39

      We were discussing who out of our friend group would die first, and in what way, in a horror movie. When we got to me everyone sat there for a long ass time, thinking, until finally one friend goes, “I don’t think she’d die. She’s never shown any kind of weakness.” Fuckin’ right!

    10. PaigePoo +12

      I just recently attended my 5 year college reunion. I saw my old biology professor, who had taught my general biology and genetics. Even though I wasn’t a biology major, and I only had 2 classes with him, he came up to me to chat about what I’m doing now. At the end of our conversation he said that he remembered me because I had “a great talent” in genetics and I was a good student. It was very touching, especially because I’ve been struggling with low self-esteem and self-worth.

    11. diaryofamadeditor +13

      A few months ago, we had a party at our apartment, and many of the guests were really complementary about our decor. But then! I went to a party at one of the guest’s apartment a few weeks ago, and as soon as we walked in, she started taking me around her apartment to show us all the decorating things she did that were inspired by how much she loved our place.

      Also, my favorite restaurant commented on one of my food photos on Instagram & called it “beautiful.”

      I’m feeling little bit like a domestic goddess, which is how I cope with feeling like an exhausted business lady.

    12. inkwashed +11

      I don’t know about the best compliments, but here is a recent one that left me feeling good:

      Last week, I started wearing contacts again after oh, 6 or 7 years of all-glasses-all-the-time and I have now been stopped by at least 3 friends/colleagues so they can tell me that they never noticed how striking my eye color is.

    13. PomoFrannyGlass +19

      Thank you for this perfect photo.

      The greatest compliment I have ever received was years ago when a stranger walked up to me at my local coffee shop and said, “I saw you last winter walking down the street wearing sunglasses and a long white skirt and I said to myself, that woman is going to have a good day. You looked like a force.”

      A close second was recently when I was on a date with a guy and he got up to pee, and a gorgeous woman who was like a glamorous British Jenny Lewis leaned down the bar and said, “I just have to say, you are REALLY beautiful,” and then gave me a very appreciative once-over. Later when that dude ran away into the night instead of making out with me, I was very sorry I had not asked for her number.

      I was also called “a quiet ember” once but thinking about that one hurts a little, so.

    14. Mrs_Peel +12

      Someone told me once that I looked like Gillian Anderson. I positively glowed for ages, until I realized maybe they just meant I looked very serious and non-smiling like Agent Scully.

    15. whollyword +13

      I wrote a long-ass comment on another board about how what I admired about Hillary Clinton overlapped with what I admired about my mom– especially, how she’d handled decades of misogynist bullshit with a strengthened commitment to her own values and goals.

      I sent the link to my mom, who is allergic to compliments, with some trepidation. Mom not only took the compliment gracefully, she BASKED IN It. And she told me that my comment had made her feel pretty good about her career decisions, even the ones that had been pretty difficult and painful.

      Toasties, I am good at appreciating people!

    16. allanaaa +2

      So! There’s this weird rash forming around my lips, at the corners of my mouth and along the edges. This has happened before and I took antibiotics and it went away, so I’m gonna do that again if it gets worse. For now I’m just slathering vitamin E oil on my lips and aloe vera on the rest of my face.
      After using approximately 1/2 lb of aloe yesterday, today I have the most radiant skin in ages.

    17. Annie

      My roommate thinks I am a genius. Also, I finally started the furniture-sticker decoration project I’ve wanted to do for ages and it looks **fabulous** and has generated spontaneously. Also, I may be in line for a promotion at work!

    18. kayjayoh_ +1

      “nice getaway sticks” Is the best. I must remember it forever. (Why yes, I am also still reading last week’s open thread.)

  69. Either_Ada +57

    I moved this week! It’s the nicest place I’ve ever lived in. I’ve been wandering around it, marveling at things like: A doorbell that works! Light switches in logical places! I can sit on this toilet and not reach the tub or sink! This washing machine is INSIDE THE HOUSE!

    I keep waiting for someone official-looking to show up and inform me that we have to leave because the real owners are here.

    1. Kittygoesroar +9

      Isn’t that an amazing feeling! I’m still in awe of things like doors and walls after just having moved out of a basement studio into a real house. If one area is messy, I can just shut the door and go to another area! It’s basically magic.

    2. bird_internet +14

      When I first moved into a place with a dishwasher I felt like I was living in some insane Jetsons-type future where the kitchen cleans itself. Every night after dinner I sat around listening to it wash and thinking “now THIS is the life!” I still don’t have a functioning doorbell though.

      1. dakimel +3

        Solution: wireless doorbell

        I finally installed this a few months ago to replace our broken doorbell (not that the dog isn’t very happy to let us know when anyone is within 20 feet of our house) & it gives me such a ridiculous sense of pride.

    3. spring chickens +9

      rock on!

      In 8 weeks I am moving to a place with a washing machine INSIDE THE HOUSE, and no quarters involved, and I still can’t truly believe it! Let us revel in it.

    4. Annie

      Moving can be awesome!

      I just moved into a place that contains not one member of my family, and I LOVE IT. I mean, I also love my family, but not having to deal with them in my living space is possibly the sweetest gift I’ve ever given myself.

  70. walteredwardgo +63

    I am going on holiday and I won’t be here for the Last Days. So I wanted you all to know that I deadlifted 70kg today and without the support of this community, with its aggressively pro-living-your-own-life I would not have started lifting at all.

    So cheers Toast, you are all excellent and deserve all excellent things going forward.

    1. Ethylbenzene +6

      I am hoping to add deadlifts to my routine in a couple weeks! Go you! I need to work on the basic movements and some flexibility stuff first because two decades of cycling and desk jobs have messed up my hips and back, but I am on the road!

      1. walteredwardgo +5

        They are great and fun and you do totally need to have flexibility and like an iron core. I did a mid-weight set a few weeks ago and relaxed at the wrong point and something in my lower back went “ARGH” and I was on the bench the rest of that week. I whole-heartedly approve of building up slowly, with flexibility and practicing the movements before going heavy. Once you get the movement down there’s a glorious period where you feel so confident about what you’re doing and everything is smooth and exciting; Good Luck!

        1. Ethylbenzene +2

          Yay! I’m incredibly fortunate that a friend of mine is a personal trainer so I’ve got some good guidance. I also got new shoes for weightlifting because wearing running shoes that tip you forward is not so good! So I’m really excited and looking forward to the future but in the meantime hating hating hating planks and monster walks 🙁

    2. ofTrebond +3

      Wow, go you!

      I just started doing some weights stuff a few weeks ago. I’m not sure how many times I’m supposed to do the beginner routine (Stumptuous Workout 1) I’ve been doing until I try something else, so I haven’t gotten to deadlifts yet. Also, the dinky gym that’s free through my office doesn’t really have a straight bar. It has lots of dumbells, and a bar that seems to be built into a bench press machine that’s too big for me to use (too much space between as low as it goes and the bench), and this weird zigzag bar you can add weights to that doesn’t seem right for deadlifts. So I may have to focus on other moves for now, but I just read all about deadlifts last night and now I’m excited for them.

      1. walteredwardgo +4

        If you get a heavy-ish dumbbell you can use it as weight for squats which will help workout your legs and core, if you hold it a little out from your body as you go down + up. Also, you can use dumbbells to do bench presses and Romanian deadlifts. Bench presses, squats and deadlifts are the trio of key body weight exercises, my PT says, and Romanian deadlifts are a good weighted prequel to real deadlifts. (I look at this and am surprised I have all of this new weightlifting knowledge. I hope it is useful.)

        Also, your user name is great.

        1. ofTrebond +2

          Awesome, thanks! I’m going back to school in a couple months, and will have a fancy gym there, so if I do enough Romanian deadlifts in the meantime I will be ready for the real thing in September!

    4. ann_surely +4

      Go you!

      Last week I started a powerlifting/Crossfit hybrid deal with a coworker who’s a trainer in his spare time, and I can’t tell you how excited I am about it.

  71. theviciouscircle1 +13

    Anyone else doing a long-form writing project and want to chat about it? I’m like 80% of the way finished with the Big Revision of my novel (and may actually finish today) and I’d love to talk with anyone who has suggestions about how to know when you’re done, how to stop constantly fretting about the flaws in your work, and even maybe publishing or something????

    1. emmysuhweeks

      Man, OK, I don’t have a ton of suggestions, but would pay attention to others’ advice. The Big Revision is always where I lose complete faith and am unable to move forward and end up quitting and (trying to) start something new.

    2. MuseKray +2

      I can’t give any advice, but I’m slowly (very, very slowly) chipping away at this novel.
      What gets me writing when I’m at a loss for words, is to open a separate document and just free write ideas or scenes until something concrete forms. Other times I just tell myself that revising something is much easier than revising nothing.

    3. Nerterology +1

      How I know when I’m done: hard external deadlines. I’ll never stop wanting to go back and perfect things, so I just pick a date and say: whatever I’ve got then, that’s what it’s going to be. It’s done on that date, by definition.

      …Of course, every time I hit the deadline and finish the thing and submit it, I get a rejection letter a few months later and privately rejoice that I get to spend even more time tinkering, so I’m not exactly a success story.

    4. theviciouscircle1 +3

      So to give a little more background: I’ve been working on this Goddamn Novel for close to ten years in some form or another. I finally finished a draft last fall (during NaNo), revised it into something readable, got feedback from family/friends, and now am revising again. But now I feel like I’m just bogged down in the detail and questioning whether any of it is any good. Because I’m at the point where I am done with writing and trying to work on making the writing better, I feel like there is no end point.

      A hard external deadline could be really good! Maybe I’ll make the end of the month time to start querying.

    5. Theo_Winterwood +1

      I’m still in the first draft phase of my novel, so I hope someday to be in the Big Revision part. 😀

      I don’t have any advice, ’cause I’m having all those frets myself and I’m not even done writing yet, so I just want to say GO YOU! That is awesome!!

      1. theviciouscircle1 +1

        Aw thank you! This is actually really sweet. I have a serious anxiety problem where I can’t just sit back and feel good about what I’ve already done, so it’s always good for me to be reminded that getting it done is a Big Accomplishment.

  72. jessica +7

    after years of lurking, i’m jumping into the comments (while i still can!), to ask if there are any toasties based in Berlin who want to meet up, ever? let me know!

    1. Merripat +1

      I’m sometimes in Berlin to visit friends and family and there’s a 15% chance I’m moving there in October. A meet up would be great! But as it is, I’m currently only there very irregularly 🙁

      There are some other Toasties in Berlin, but they don’t seem to be around at the moment.

    2. sarah

      yes, please! i’m a longtime lurker as well. i was secretly hoping to buy a toast tote bag and one day be recognized by some toast loving people.

  73. Unreadaethel +23

    I remembered to go to my Dr.’s appointment this time! She agrees that ADD is a very likely diagnosis (the first thing on my symptom list is “had trouble focusing long enough to make this list”), and is referring me to a psychiatrist in the same clinic who does all of their ADD diagnoses. The first available with this doctor isn’t until August 1st, though, so my whiteboard and I are going to continue to have some quality time together.

    Tomorrow, the choir’s having a farewell party for our organist and his wife. I’m hoping to avoid bursting into tears, as it would probably make both of them feel really awkward. I’m also wondering if I have the energy and the counter space to make an apple strudel, as well as the bread I already signed up to bring.

    1. CleverManka +2

      Ah! Best wishes with the diagnosis and management stuff! The Burgomaster had a difficult time coming to grips with his ADD diagnosis a few years ago but he is so grateful for Adderall now and I can attest he’s overall happier and more in charge of his life. I hope you have equal success with yours.

      Good luck not crying tomorrow.

      1. Unreadaethel +3

        I felt so bad about myself for my continued inability to focus enough to ~reach my potential~ that I don’t worry at all about my ability to accept an eventual official diagnosis. Like, I just want to be good at my job, you guys. And also remember to pay bills on the day they’re due.

        He’s been our organist for 10 years, and he’s amazing and wonderful and we’re so lucky to have him, and I can’t even be mad he’s leaving, because his wife got a post-doc, and I know how hard those are to get. But I’m going to make an apple strudel, and I’m going to cheat and buy pastry dough at the grocery store, and I’m going to be cool with that.

  74. CheddarBiscuit +12

    Does anybody have success stories about successfully transitioning out of academia into another career?

    My deal is that I’m defending my dissertation in early fall and looking for full-time jobs to start any time before then. I am lucky in that there are some obvious jobs outside academia for people in my field, and I’ve been proactive in gaining several years of experience in said field while a student, so I’ve got some good qualifications and strong recent references. I also think that my resume and cover letter skills are pretty good, and I’ve been getting a good response rate to my applications — like, I’ve been a finalist for slightly under half of the positions I’ve applied for, but still haven’t gotten an offer (I’ve been looking since January and the market in my field isn’t great). So I think that something will work out for me eventually, but my source of income is ending soon and I’m pretty anxious about that. I also am having a lot of feelings about really, really wanting to be a settled adult, making a decent salary and doing work that I feel good about and that doesn’t make me feel like garbage.

    Anyway, any advice or commiseration about how to manage this transition would be appreciated! I am feeling a bit low about it all at the moment.

    1. literarysara +5

      Excellent handle, CheddarBiscuit!

      So I will try to summarize my story, because I am still technically IN academia, but I have definitely pursued other careers with moderate success.
      -I become ABD the same year my university decides to cease stipends for grad students in their fifth or greater year
      -I pick up entry-level work in an art museum
      -I pick up entry-level work in a university press
      -I get promoted to a better job with a good salary! I work there a few years.
      -I get an ultimatum from my university: finish or get out.
      -I quit my stable job and pick up part-time work here and there.
      -I’m trying to defend this summer and get back into full-time work.

      I am finding this last part of the process very challenging–as you say, the market sucks, and my trajectory is a little hard to explain to potential employers–but overall my experience has been reaffirming. It’s good to know that I have many more useful skills than teaching and being undercompensated for it. So, hang in there. I don’t know where you’re at but in my neck of the works, six months of hunting for a decently-salaried full-time job is not unusual; maybe consider casting a wider net (in terms of field, or including some lower-level jobs) if you’re not already doing so.

      1. CheddarBiscuit +4

        Hey, thanks for your response! I totally get that long job searches and tons of rejections are completely normal, but it does help to be reminded of that and to know that other people are having similar experiences. I think I’m just gonna have to be patient and not get discouraged.

        Incidentally, I’m pretty sure we’re in the same city and quite possibly the same field. Best of luck finishing your diss and moving on to new and better things!

        1. literarysara +3

          If we are both in Philly, then you should go ahead and sign up for Phillytoasts if you haven’t already! If not, may the end of June bring a flood of new job openings wherever you are.

    2. fenixdawn +1

      It sounds like you are really doing alot of things that will make the transition easier!

      Fwiw, patience and self-care is really important. It is easy to be frustrated when you don’t feel like you’re meeting your goals or milestones as soon as expected (especially because it can feel like you burnt up alot of time in a field only for it not to work out as expected). I really struggled with alot of failure/identity sorts of things when I left, so my advice would be to let yourself feel good about the transition, and making the choice to do something different. And if that takes a little more time than you want, that is totally ok.

  75. vmartinipie +111

    Toastinies.
    A Male Novelist asked me out. I sent him Male Novelist Jokes. He still wants to go out. If his glass of whiskey lights a cigarette, though, I’m calling it all off.

  76. unleavings +31

    Weekly reminder that many Toasties are migrating over to toastieslack to keep conversations and community going. It’s easy to use and we have a lot of great discussions going on over there.

    If you would like an invitation, please email ppyajunebug [at] gmail [dot] com

    If you requested an invitation but never got one, or if you have tried to sign up from your invitation and it didn’t work, please email with details. I will do my best to get you sorted!

    Also, if you are chloelevil, WE NEED YOU AND CHARLIE POTATO HASHBROWNS.

    2. geekcrackteam +27

      Does anyone else really struggle with Slack? Its like twitter for me, just complete information overload. I feel like if I’m not there all the time I’ll just miss everything. I like the nested comment threads here, I can read through at my own pace, or just pay attention to a few.

      I have Slack for work and I pretty much only use it for direct messages, I find reading up to find the start of the convo too annoying.

      I’m banking on the Toast Reddit taking off after The End so I can keep up with yall.

      1. katenepveu +16

        Yeah, I’m very bad at realtime stuff, so I haven’t even tried Slack, and my formative years were spent on Usenet, so the ToastCrumbs Reddit is for me.

      2. ofTrebond +14

        Yes! I’ve been doing better on toastie twitter, since I can reply to a particular tweet, and see other replies. On Slack, I feel like by the time I’ve formulated a response to something the conversation has moved on. I’ve managed to jump in a few times, but it’s a different experience. I also have hopes for the Reddit, and in general am happy that we have a bunch of different options.

      3. SmrtCookie +8

        I’m mostly hanging out in the smaller channels on Slack. Toast Slack has some bigger channels that are slightly overwhelming and twitter-y to me but also a tooooon of smaller channels where it’s easier for me to keep up.

      4. Ethylbenzene +7

        Oooh is that what Slack is? I’ve never even heard of it until you guys started talking about it here. I can’t follow Twitter because like you said getting back to where the conversation started is hard and there’s no way to sort by oldest first. Sounds like Slack is not my kind of place either. Blah.

        1. chiaroscuromom +2

          I am An Old and I can’t do Twitter, but Slack seems to be going OK for me. You might try it.

      5. Merripat +4

        I don’t know if that would work for you, but it does for me – it’s really helpful to be in a different time zone than most of the people. There are still quite a few people slacking during European day time, but it’s not too overwhelming. By the time it gets really crowded, I’m usually asleep already. Sometimes I read up a bit in the morning, but mostly I ignore everything that happened during the night and go on with my day.

      6. CleverManka +25

        Does anyone else really struggle with Slack?

        Sorry, y’all. I’m thrilled to see people are using my gifs there, though!

      7. mmsees +4

        I like slack a lot, but it’s definitely taken some getting used to, especially as my other slack experience is with my work slack which I actually have to pay attention to.

        The things I’ve found useful are just completely accepting that I am not going to keep up on the big channels and not try to read back or catch up. If you, like me, are really attuned to unread signals, you can also modify how slack alerts you pretty well – for example I use the desktop slack client for work & toast slack and normally it shows up with a little red circle if there are unread messages, and I had to completely turn that off for toast slack (that probably matters less if you’re only using slack for toast stuff, but it made a HUGE difference for me). Also if you mute a channel you can still follow it & it shows up in your sidebar but isn’t bolded when there are new messages.

        I’m really enjoying getting more active on toastie twitter (I’m at mmsees there too if anyone wants to say hi), but also experiencing similar FOMO there a bit. I have had a twitter for a while but I primarily just followed newsy people (like not personal accounts) and I’m still getting used to having much higher traffic and also paying more attention to what individual people say, if that makes sense.

      8. LadyPoopjokes +7

        I <3 Slack, but I a) use it for work so I’m already comfortable with it and b) stick to smallish channels so I don’t get overwhelmed.

        Also my computer freaks out when I spend too long reading intensedebate comments so toastieslack has been a major improvement on that front.

        Also if anyone needs extra motivation to migrate to toastieslack, I talk about the Viking there constantly and in much greater detail than I felt comfortable doing here 😀 😀 😀 😀

          1. LadyPoopjokes +2

            I mostly live in #dirtbags but sometimes it bleeds over into #sexytoasts and other areas!

    3. parlato1973 +3

      i very much endorse the joining of toastieslack, we are having a great time over there!

      there’s no reason to feel like you have to actually keep up with it. i mean, unless you want to get the subtleties of ang_midevalist’s daily musings. you can jump in or out, sometimes just scroll up to see what the latest string of posts is about, or just throw up a koolaid man and start your own convo. i feel like i’m really starting to get to know the regulars there, it’s great.

  77. breccia +12

    My boyfriend’s band is having a CD release concert tonight!! I’m so excited. BUT. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do! Like literally, WHAT DO I DO?

    Where do I stand? Should I casually be in the back by the bar? Would it be corny if I was in front cheering? Or is it worse if I’m NOT in front cheering? Am I in charge of getting him beer/water throughout his set?? What do I wear?! How do I act?!?!?

    1. emmysuhweeks +1

      Do whatever feels good! Several of my closest friends are married to musicians and one is more outgoing and one is more shy — so they both just do what works for them! It’s totally appropriate to cheer up front and totally appropriate to sit back and enjoy the scene!!

      I don’t THINK you have to be the one to get him drinks unless you just want to, or the staff isn’t. But it could be fun!

      Have a blast!

    2. mydonkeyfeet +12

      Wear a comfy fun outfit and cheer from the front or wherever you want. You’re not in charge of anything. Bring a friend and just relax and have fun!

      1. breccia +10

        how dare you give me good & practical & anxiety-relieving advice!!!

        (thanks. it’s the first time he’ll be playing live with this band and the first time i’ve seen him perform. he is the most down-to-earth, chill, soft-spoken guy you will ever meet who moonlights as a headbanging double-bass-pedal-shattering metal drummer. i’m really excited to see him play!)

        1. mydonkeyfeet +3

          Ha! Well I’m kind of like Mel from Flight of the Conchords, the biggest fan for my own favorite band (though I only rarely get to see them because they’re far away, so I end up seeing them on tour where people don’t know them except for me and I’m the one up front screaming and dancing badly. They tolerate me very sweetly.)

          So have fun! Sounds exciting! Take pictures if you don’t know what else to do, including pictures of the crowd. They’ll probably have lots of other friends and family in the crowd too.

          1. mydonkeyfeet +2

            (That is to say, with the Mel thing, I can only give you advice on being kind of a dorky fan. I only know how to be a dorky embarrassing fan or an extremly shy starstruck fan, and you’re less likely to be the latter since it’s your own boyfriend.)

          2. breccia +4

            Does the band know you?? That actually sounds quite adorable.

            I just need to chill for fear of being Too Mom at him. like SWEETIE YOU WERE SO GOOD LOOK AT THESE PICTURES I TOOK AW MY GOSH EVERYONE LOOK AT HIM GO! ISN’T HE THE BEST??

            Although I do that sometimes when he’s just standing around, so maybe he’s used to it.

          3. mydonkeyfeet +2

            Hee, well he obviously loves you, and you’re already being yourself (and possibly Mom) around him, so he’s used to it and you’re the one he loves, so just keep being yourself. That’s so sweet! And come on, he IS the best and we DO need to look at him go.

            Yes the band definitely knows me. We’re not friends (as I keep reminding myself, poor guys – I know everything about them and they know almost nothing about me except my taste in music), but they’re very sweet to me. Currently two of the three of them have pictures I took as their FB background pictures, which is kind of staggering. And one of those two is a picture I took of little wooden dolls I made of them several years ago (I MADE DOLLS OF THEM, what kind of crazy Mel fan am I? But they liked them and they knew it was silly fun, and now all their other [actual real] friends are making funny comments about them and that pleases me.)

            [edit: We’re facebook friends, but I know we’re not actual real friends. But they’re very nice guys.]

          5. mydonkeyfeet +1

            Sorry, talking on and on about myself and my favorite band. I’m not very knowledgeable about going to concerts really. I hear that booze helps.

  78. iosognodisonno +6

    I watched The Boy last night and quite enjoyed it. Thanks to the Toastie who recommended it on a recent horror open thread convo. I do suggest watching it with some ample wine on hand because I think my tipsiness made it better.

    Anyone else see any good horror lately? I’m looking forward to Conjuring 2 but might wait until it’s on video cause I tend to get more effectively creeped out by haunted house movies when I’m in my own home, ideally alone, and a few glasses in.

    1. jj_dowe +1

      I also want to see the Conjuring but I’m not sure if I want to see it in theater or wait. I have a partner who thinks all horror is Dumb, so he can be kind of a wet blanket when I try to watch at home. I don’t think I’ve seen any really great horror recently, though I did watch The Purge 2: Anarchy the other day – would recommend watching and reading the accompanying edition of Movie Yelling.

      If you’re on ToastieSlack, we have an all-things horror channel going that is full of good recommendations. 🙂

      1. iosognodisonno +2

        I really liked The Purge 2: Anarchy! Better than the first one. Michael K. Williams as revolutionary + dude who plays Matt Saracen + just a lot of solid characters in general, it just really worked for me. I somehow missed the movie yelling on that one. I’ll have to dig it up. 

        Ok, now I will definitely have to join the slack. Was putting it off cause I’d never used Slack before, but a Toastie horror channel is impossible to deny 🙂

        1. jj_dowe +2

          Michael K Williams is always a treat when he shows up in things. We he appeared I was like “ok lets do this!” – it was fun but in the end I wish that some of the characters had a little more agency, and the married couple seemed like they weren’t even from the same universe (like why are you wondering around 45 minutes from sunset on Purge night?!) – ever since I saw You’re Next (which I wont say more about cause I don’t want to spoil it,) the revenge mayhem movies end up being so frustrating b/c the characters never fight back.

    2. LadyBertilak +2

      It’s on netflix but We Are Still Here was /really good/ in my opinion. It is extremely tropey and doesn’t exactly break new ground, & my partner had issues w/ the world building, but I throughly enjoyed it & also think there should be more horror movies set during the winter anyhow, but that’s a rant for another time. Let Us Prey is also on netflix, & best described by “an and then there were none type scenario with supernatural elements in a spooky small town police station”, also you’ve probably already seen Oculus but it’s worth reccing anyhow

      1. jj_dowe +1

        OH ha. I think i watched this recently but I have a bad habit of watching stuff while cleaning or doing other stuff so I didn’t remember it. I liked Let Us Prey, thought it was fun. There’s one that just popped up on Netflix called They Look Like People, it looks interesting…

        I didn’t watch it recently but I thought The Haunting of Deborah Logan was genuinely creepy.

        1. LadyBertilak +1

          I keep meaning to watch We Look Like People but I always forget, I LOVE the Haunting of Deborah Logan, found footage usually doesn’t work for me but I /loved/ that. If you want another good found footage Mr. Jones is /really good/, weird as hell but that was part of the appeal for me

        2. iosognodisonno +2

          Yes. Alzheimer’s is my greatest fear so it’s like that movie was made for me. Way scary even before the supernatural shit creeps in.

          1. LadyBertilak +1

            I’m hesitant reccing this bc it didn’t seem like a straight up horror movie to me but if you like possession movies Ava’s Possession was /really good/

          2. iosognodisonno +1

            It’s on my list. I keep eyeing it when trying to decide what to watch next. Good to know it’s worthwhile.

      2. iosognodisonno +1

        I liked We Are Still Here alright. I have not seen Let Us Prey yet, I’ll move it up the Netflix list.

        1. LadyBertilak +1

          OH also Altar, couple moves into a spooky house on the moors of england and shit gets /weird/, I’m honestly not easily unsettled but this one did the trick and I love it a lot

  79. emmysuhweeks +8

    Pregnancy thread? I know there are a few of us, and at this point, it’s hard for me to think about much else until she gets here.

    I’m 33 weeks, which seems INSANE, with baby number one. (A PRECIOUS GIRL). I’ve managed to avoid not one but two new-mama pregnancy worry meltdowns this week, please be proud of me. One day, I was too worried about my increasing Braxton Hicks and worried it meant pre-term labor (it’s fine, they are more frequent but not too many or constant or painful at all). The next day, she’d shifted so her kicking felt a bit different, softer, and I was worried maybe she wasn’t moving as much, even though I DID feel motion all day, just not in the same way. (The next day, she had shifted again and was SUPER active including many well-meaning kicks to the bladder, as per usual.) (And she is currently practicing tae kwon do or tap dancing as I type.)

    I managed not to cry or freak out and demand an office visit, and stayed rational and talked to my doula, so I’m proud of myself for not giving into my anxiety. It’s so hard — I want to be a chill mama and not worry unnecessarily, but my anxiety can be so loud and convince me I’m being foolish and ignoring something bad.)

    In good news, I get my first prenatal massage tomorrow, and have another one next week, and one more to schedule! Thank god for friends who give massages as gifts!!

    How’s everyone else feeling?

    1. Beakses +2

      Pretty good! 24 weeks, kiddo is quickly approaching rabid ferret with the moving around already, which is entertaining now but makes me worried for the future (of my ribs, mostly). One week back from vacation in lovely, cool Maine weather is making me whine about the heat, but my body is coping just fine even if mentally I’m over Texas summer already…

      Congrats on managing your meltdowns! That’s tough stuff!

      1. emmysuhweeks +1

        The heat is intense!! Be careful, take it easy! We’re plenty hot here and I’m having a hard time slowing down myself. My brain wants to do ALL THE THINGS and my body reminds me WE CANNOT RIGHT NOW.

    2. caatness +3

      They do sometimes take a break and chill out and kick less. I had a couple of those “omg is she okay in there?!?!?!?!” meltdowns when her movement changed dramatically.

    3. effableobject +3

      I’m 35 weeks and haven’t noticed any Braxton Hicks yet! I did anxiously tell my nurse at my last appointment ALL about that Jezebel interview with the woman who had the abortion at 32 weeks, not that I think there is anything wrong with my fetus, but. Like. I told my husband he has to make sure it has all its limbs or whatever as soon as it comes out. The nurse basically told me not to be ridiculous, but in a tactful, reassuring way, which was nice.

      I’m going to my cousin’s wedding next weekend and I am hoping that at least one of my dresses will look decent for the occasion. I’ve been wearing the same maternity jorts every day and they are definitely not wedding-appropriate.

      Prenatal massage sounds lovely. I am jealous. I’ve been swimming, which is pretty great, although hauling myself out of the pool afterward is always, uh. Less great?

      1. emmysuhweeks

        I purposefully didn’t read that Jezebel interview. I just can’t, right now.

        I feel you on the exiting the pool! I’ll bob and paddle around, and feel GREAT, and then I climb the ladder or stairs and suddenly WOOF, there’s gravity on the belly again!!!

  80. v_d_budenmayer +70

    USian Toasties, can we talk just a little bit about politics? Specifically, how I yearn to go back to the days when although I wasn’t a 100% supporter, I really admired Bernie Sanders? And now I’m just REALLY MAD at him and his stubborn insistence on destroying everything just out of what appears to be stubborn hubris?

    1. mmsees +18

      I may try to have a longer comment in a bit, but just swinging by to say yes, I agree with this 100%.

    2. erinkwed +57

      He has officially gone from curmudgeon who has a lot of great points to old man obsessed with one topic who refuses to get out of a woman’s way.

      2. v_d_budenmayer +15

        It is so fucking frustrating and infuriating. I’ve had to sequester myself from social media for a bit because of it.

    3. daisicles +20

      I absolutely agree. I voted for him in my state’s primary because at the time, I didn’t have really strong feelings either way, but I’ve regretted that decision for a couple months now.

      I understand that he’s disappointed and all, which is only human, but come ON. Politics is a game whether we like it or not and his approach to losing doesn’t fill me with confidence in his ability to work with people and get things done.

      1. v_d_budenmayer +9

        SHE was disappointed back in 2008, and look how graciously and gracefully she handled it! Ugh.

    4. themegnapkin +13

      I feel like he’s fading, though? Only 2 of my facebook friends are sitll diehard supporters, everybody else seems to have accepted that he lost. On the political podcasts I listen to, nobody is even talking about him anymore except maybe one comment on his irrelevance. I share your anger–IMO, making political promises you know are impossible, the way he had done throughout his campaign, is the opposite of integrity–but I think Sanders has squandered any actual power he may have had.

      1. mmsees +12

        I think the frustrating thing for me is that he is fading, but Bernie himself hasn’t accepted that he lost. Like, it’s over, and it’s time for him to gracefully concede rather than continuing to talk about taking it to the convention. In the end, the “Bernie or bust” people are probably a small number of votes, but it’s still harmful, especially since the alternative to party unity is Trump.

        1. Ethylbenzene +14

          And I’m personally concerned that some of his supporters seem to be advocating violence at the convention, which Sanders is stoking by not conceding. I’m a member of several secret Hillary Facebook groups, and people have been posting some scary stuff from some “Bernie or Bust” groups and websites.

          1. mmsees +17

            YES, this. I think there’s a lot of vitriol coming from Bernie supporters that I know isn’t coming from Bernie himself but I think he increasingly has a responsibility to speak to. Like for fuck’s sake, his supporters turned on Elizabeth Warren when she endorsed Hillary and her social media was just flooded with horrible, violent, misogynistic and condescending comments. I know this is only a small number of supporters, but it’s very prevalent and loud, especially in the online space, and Bernie/the campaign has to know hat. I wish he would just come out and say he doesn’t condone that behavior.

          2. Ethylbenzene +10

            Yeah absolutely please just come out and say “stop that.” The longer he doesn’t and the longer he talks about “taking this to the convention,” the more people hear “Bernie wants us to raise hell a the convention, he basically said so!” I mean, I’m serious here — people posting on Bernie or Bust forums are saying things like “he’s sending us coded messages” and sharing lists of things to bring that include helmets and respirator masks (i.e., they are prepping for riots).

          3. depizan +19

            Turning on Warren was particularly gross and also incredibly unsurprising, the entire election, I’ve seen a lot of that segment of Sanders supporters say they would totally be cool with Warren as president and use that as “proof” they somehow weren’t being misogynistic against Clinton….and then when Warren also did something they disagreed with, surprise surprise, she gets hit with the same sexism as Clinton.

      2. v_d_budenmayer +6

        I feel like he’s fading in terms of reporting on him (because Vast Media Conspiracy, dontcha know), but my friends on Facebook have yet to shut up… if not about how he has had the election stolen from him, then about how awful Hillary is in various other ways and how they’ll never vote for her no matter what.

    5. goonerkate +18

      Oh I am so angry at him. I feel swindled out of my primary vote. I agreed so much with him at the time. Now he’s just dragging out the ugly fight THAT IS ALREADY OVER. SHE WON. STOP. He’s pulling away valuable votes against Trump. He says the real fight is to stop Trump? Yes. So stop dividing the party. You already lost.

    6. barnkat +10

      uuuuuugggghhhhhh seeeeriouslyyyyyyy whyyyyyyyy

      ^totally on board with the “get out of the lady’s way, dude, you lost” train.

      1. depizan +4

        I wasn’t registered with a party for a while, so his campaign really tried to hit me up. When I unsubscribed (not that I had actually EVER subscribed) to his emails, I think my exact words were “because they fucking emailed me every single fucking hour.” And I don’t even think that was true, I think it honestly was more like at least 2-3 emails an hour. Also, one of his canvassers knocked on my door at 9am on a Saturday morning. If I had been a supporter, that right there would have lost my vote.

    8. Annie

      Yes, yes!

      Even though he was clearly a delusional idealist I really admired his ability to stick to his principles, and honestly having a delusional idealist in the White House didn’t sound like a bad idea. Now I recognize that having a larger intersection between principles and reality would be just the thing.

  81. Merripat +17

    This week in physical therapy:

    On Tuesday, I told my PT about this Japanese spa where cats are massaging people, and he said that “only women and A CERTAIN KIND of men” like cats. He tried to make me admit that I’m of the same opinion, but I obviously wasn’t having any of that. He then said “well, maybe it’s just a prejudice” and I said something along the lines of “I’m pretty sure it is.”

    On Thursday, we were talking about how I have more problems with the right side of my body, and he told me about his former professor who said the right side of the body relates to the masculine and the left side to the feminine, and if you have problems on one side of your body, you may have problems with that gender.
    My PT has a bad left side and has problems with women.*
    And you know, maybe I have problems with men? I for sure have, but I didn’t say that. And then he said a lot of his female patients are saying they don’t get along with other women (??) (basically because apparently all women are Mean Girls) and asked how it is for me.
    And I said that it’s not like that; that I don’t get along with someone just because they are a man or a woman; that there is not just one way to be a woman or a man; that it depends on the individual.

    I don’t remember what exactly I said because he then sprayed some ice spray on my shoulder and I inhaled too much of it and almost passed out (could see nothing but stars) (I’m fine now), but I think he was impressed? I think he really doesn’t know a lot of things but is willing to learn. (He even said that he basically sees the world in black and white and that what I was saying started making things more complicated. I mean, who knows, but I really hope some things stick with him!)

    (And, uh, I still have a crush on him, despite everything he said.)

    *It’s not as terrible as it sounds, he apparently has problems with his mother and that was all he said (thank God).

    1. irreverantontheinternet +8

      I have been trying to train my cats to knead my back for years! It has gone about as well as you would expect it to, of course.

    2. CleverManka +19

      Oh my god this reminds me so hard of the Toastie (I’m sorry I don’t remember who) that had the doctor talk about how they didn’t want to give her an IUD because it would de-virginize her.

    3. Jungle_Red +9

      “his former professor who said the right side of the body relates to the masculine and the left side to the feminine, and if you have problems on one side of your body, you may have problems with that gender. ”

      WHAT. This man is a trained medical professional?! I have a weak left shoulder and I can confirm that I have problems with men, not women. There are so many PTs who are former wrestling bros or college athletes and ugh, need a bigger worldview.

      1. Merripat +2

        I don’t think he actually believes that. (And by think, I mean hope.)

        Don’t know about the professor though…

    4. Ethylbenzene +3

      I totally sympathize with crushes on terrible people. Mine continues apace needless to say. Ugh.

      1. Merripat +1

        It’s so hard to un-like people!

        But that being said, I’m still not convinced he’s a terrible person per se – just not very well informed. Or maybe I’m just being naive. Anyway, his being ~10 years my senior, my leaving the town in a couple of months (and my being his patient, duh) will in all probability make sure nothing’s going to happen, and it’s probably better this way.

  82. bighairnoheart +22

    I may have an extra ticket to Antiques Roadshow! (Both grandma and I applied thinking we’d take the other as our plus one. We each won tickets. Oops.) Anybody in driving distance to VA Beach on the 25th who might be interested?

    2. mydonkeyfeet +1

      That is so delightful! I would be tempted to take you up on the offer but it’s a bit of a long drive and I have volunteer stuff that day. Have fun! Are you going to take stuff for appraisal?

      1. bighairnoheart +3

        The problem for me is narrowing down my list of items to take. I’ve got a bit of an antiquing/flea market habit.

  83. middlemarch +49

    I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT MY GREEK-POETRY READING, GOTHIC PSYCHO-SEXUAL ROMANCE STARRING BOYFRIEND IS DATING TAYLOR SWIFT.

    I ALSO REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS SITE IS SHUTTING DOWN.

    THAT IS ALL.

      1. middlemarch +16

        I MEAN THIS DUDE HAD A WEIRDLY SEXY INCEST THING WITH JESSICA CHASTAIN IN A GUILLERMO DEL TORO MOVIE, I LOVE TAYLOR BUT _TRULY_ THEY ARE NOT EACH OTHER’S TYPE AND TOM SHOULD LOVE ME AND ME ALONE.

        1. mydonkeyfeet +15

          This is why it’s better not to know anything about your celebrity crush’s personal life. It’s dangerous territory. (Unless he has an adorable baby or pet, that’s acceptable to know.) Ugh, my actor crush several years ago left his wife and kids for an actress, and I lost my love for him and his acting. I wish I hadn’t known about his personal life so I could have still been a fan of his acting.

          1. middlemarch +11

            I also hate this situation because it’s made me somehow sympathetic to Calvin Harris, and I literally hate everything he’s done to pop music in the last five years.

          2. adoptraya +8

            Why are you sympathetic to Calvin Harris though?

            From what I know of the issue, the break-up was “mutual”, but a lot of what was being said made it seem like he dumped her.

            So now she has moved on to a dude many of us want to date, but you feel sorry for Calvin?

          3. middlemarch +8

            I mean, from the garbage I enjoy reading, it looks like Tay and Tom may have been interested in each other dating back to the Met Ball and the public coming out seems… Suspiciously fast. 

            I mean, who knows! Maybe everything is above board! But considering that Harris deleted all evidence of Swift from his Instagram and removed a nice and conciliatory post-breakup tweet, I think there’s a decent chance twiddleswift might have gotten started pre-breakup.

            This is, of course, all trashy speculation.

          4. CleverManka +5

            UGH UGH UGH yes this is a thought that’s been rolling around in my head too and I’m just. so. disappointed.

          5. CleverManka +24

            This is why it’s better not to know anything about your celebrity crush’s personal life.
            THIS. I actually have people on my LJ sort of calling me out for dumping him. Like “well our faves are always problematic” and that sort of thing. Seriously? THAT IS NOT THE POINT. The point is he was, like 99% successful at staying out of tabloids until now and I think that is not coincidence people.

            I am 100% with you, middlemarch.

          6. middlemarch +23

            I feel personally miffed, too, because I feel like Tom is that thoughtful, well-read guy in class who chooses to date a nice enough but kind of shallow girl instead of ME, THE WEIRD ANGSTY GIRL WHO READS THE THINGS HE LOVES TO READ AND HAS LOTS OF THOUGHTS AND THINGS.

            Literally I am singing “You Belong to Me” in my head except Taylor is the one in short skirts and heels.

          8. middlemarch +6

            OH MY GOD SORRY BUT I JUST REALIZED YOU WROTE “THE PITCH MEETING FOR WISHBONE” AND YOU ARE MY ACTUAL HERO IN LIFE.

            (But seriously, I have pretty much shared that piece with everyone I know and I judge people by whether they get it.)

  84. girlinterupte +23

    I quit my job this past week. It was my first proper job (I wouldn’t call it my first adult job because I am not an adult but it was a job at an office designed for an adult that I somehow stumbled into). I cleaned out my desk and picked one of the flowers that grow everywhere in the field outside of my office but I’ve never seen anywhere else in the world. I’m moving to another country in a week so it makes sense but again it was my first proper job and I’ll miss it.

    1. mydonkeyfeet +2

      Wow, that’s a big change! Good luck to you on your new adventure, and congratulations!

  85. renjender +14

    Just a reminder that if you live in the Boston area we will be having a Toast Wake (I know!) on Thursday June 30 at The Friendly Toast in Kendall Square Cambridge. Even if you have never come to a Boston Toast event, you are welcome. Afraid no one will talk to you? *I’ll* talk to you, as long as you aren’t a homophobe or a Republican.

    I haven’t made the Facebook event yet, because it’s been both a sad week (generally) and busy one (personally), but I am thinking of making the meet up time 6:30. If you want to come that night but can’t make that time, speak up!

    1. mmsees +2

      Aaaaaah, that sound amazing! I went to MIT and moved away from Cambridge 3 years ago and miss the friendly toast so much, what a great location for a toast wake. (I am too lazy to take a photo and upload it somewhere, but I have a friendly toast postcard a friend sent me on my wall in SF).

    3. friendofdaja +4

      Can confirm that renjender is friendly, she was the first person to talk to me at the only other Boston toast event I’ve been to! (thank you) (also see you there!)

    4. bundtpan +1

      I’d love to join but can’t do Mon-Thurs evenings. 🙁 I hope you all have fun and please eat many pancakes for me.

  86. LaxMom +11

    Hi. Please be aware that the following is coming from a place of drove-7-hours-straight-and-got-home-at-3-am, with a side of then-slept-till-10:30-and-didn’t-take-antidepressants-on-time.

    I need to pay my bills. That is ok, it will happen, but my rent just went up in about the same amount of buffer that I’d finally managed to eke out by dint of selling my soul to this government job where they treat me like I’m an intern. it’s Friday and I feel like I’m lazy by allowing myself to sleep in after the drive back from NYC and not going in to do busy work at the govt job. it’s gorgeous out but I have a headache from weird sleep and med schedule and the stupid pill has literally had me bleeding for a full 3 weeks and shows no sign of stopping. I have my kids for ten more days (well, the 2 younger ones).
    College boy didn’t pay $50 in parking tickets to his university and I’m getting collection calls from the state attorney general’s office. I have sat here drinking coffee and forcing myself to eat some toast and stay upright until the caffiene/meds kick in, but really just want to cry and I know it’s random. And my brain has the nerve to say that I am lazy because I *should* have gone in to work for 3 hours this morning, despite having gotten home at 3 am, and that I’m “letting them down” by not finishing the project I’ve been working on already (said project could have been done in say, 2 weeks of daily full time work, if office would pay for licensing upgrade, but because they wont’, will be forever a kludge project that no matter how much work I put into it will in no way reflect my skills or abilities, and will barely function).

    I drove to NYC to see my brother and his wife and kids. I spent one day with them at Hershey park (was fun!), and took the train in to NYC with my brother on his way to work yesterday, spent the afternoon with my kids walking around the high line, and took the train back, said goodbyes, and drove home. That is the extent of the time off I will take with my kids ALL SUMMER. Yet I am still feeling guilty over not showing up to the shit office. Please tell me that’s whacked and I need to shut those voices down.

    I love my brother and his wife but I’m having post-‘vacation’ letdown, plus “all my siblings are successful professionals and younger than me and I’m trapped and will never have any home or savings again and my kids are leaving while theirs are just starting school, so I’m behind in the “providing for my family” ledger.
    Also, SIL is a broadway and movie actress, and it’s pretty impossible to feel like I’ll ever be attractive to any human being again after spending two days looking at my body in the same room as hers. Totally irrational but this happens every time I visit them.
    TL:DR–I need to stop being jealous of my pretty SIL and thinking my body is ruined, I need to stop wishing I had the typical measures of “successful” like home and income security because I won’t for a while, and I need to stop wanting to escape because I can’t leave this damn ex-urb where i’ve lived my whole life for another 5 years yet. Also I need to NOT feel guilty about taking THREE DAYS OFF from a shit job, because I still try to treat it like the real career job it was supposed to be when they sold it to me, and they don’t deserve it.

    2. walrathem +13

      LaxMom – you are literally doing the most amazing and difficult thing a you can do right now. You are saving your children (and yourself) from their toxic father and the cruel happenstance of some of the less-desirable genes they ended up with. You are climbing Everest every damn day. And you are doing it with love and humor. If that shouldn’t count as success I don’t know what should.

      (course *feeling* successful is a whole different can o’beans, yes? So many hugs to you!)

    3. Ethylbenzene +4

      You’re amazing, and I am so sorry you are feeling so trapped and shitty right now. I really wish there was something I could do to help. Your job sounds so crappy, ugh. I totally know what you mean about having to kludge together things that only kinda sorta work! My job with the Catholics was kind of like that, due to my boss’s insistence that we use Macs (which do not carry a fully functional version of Excel and NO database program) and his insistence that we use the cheapest/free options available while still trying to collect data and keep track of things like payments and permission slips in a professional and organized manner. Ugh.

      I personally think you are amazing and awesome and hope that helps a little bit. You took three well-deserved days off to spend time with your kids. You won’t be looking back later going “gee I wish I spent three more days at that shitty job,” I’m pretty sure 🙂

    4. happysadcat +3

      I think you are an amazing and strong person, and it’s also ok to feel your feelings. My friend with terrible pressure and instability in her life has a new technique; she has a time on her phone to remind her to align her body, relax her shoulders, and breathe deeply with eyes closed for five breaths. It has done great things for her.

    5. LaxMom +5

      All those responses are reasonable and helpful and thank you!
      I am not glad, but reassured that other people have survived job stupidity like this.
      I used to be able to use breathing/gardening/knitting/yoga to center myself. I’ve really had a hard time finding my center since my graduation–I’m not sure why. I am going to tai chi every week and we really try to make that a calming centering time. Sometimes we just meditate for half an hour and talk the rest of the time.
      I will go tomorrow. I used to have a meditation/white noise app on my iphone, I’ll have to look into one for my S5.

      1. Ethylbenzene +2

        I would like to recommend the app Pacifica. It has a couple of quickish guided meditations, a mood tracker, and I think calmin noise options, but it also has a built in and free CBT exercise and health tracking. I have found it kind of nice to take a couple minutes at the end of the day and check in with myself — did I eat today, did I go outside, did I check in with friends who make me feel good, did I drink water, that kind of thing. Plus I like having shorter meditations for when I’m too sleepy or busy to be able to do a full 10-20 minutes.

      2. Ethylbenzene +2

        I should add, too, that by “health tracker,” I emphatically do not mean weight, calories, fat, carbs, anything like that that would be triggering to folks with ED issues. It lists stuff like minutes spent outside, did you take your meds, did you shower, how much water did you drink, that kind of thing.

  87. Apfelmoose +6

    Activist, volunteer, or nonprofit Toasties – does anyone have experience of starting an initiative from scratch?

    I’d especially like to hear from anyone involved in animal rescue or working with women affected by domestic violence, so please consider this a content warning and I’ll put everything else behind the cut.

    1. Apfelmoose +7

      Essentially none of the women’s refuges in my city accept pets. Research from other countries suggests that women often stay longer in abusive situations because they don’t want to leave their pet behind and don’t want to give them up for adoption. Or if they do leave the pet behind, then bad things can happen to the animal.

      In the USA and the UK, there are organisations that offer long-term fostering of pets for as long as their owners are in a women’s refuge or in sheltered accommodation. Nothing exists like that in my city, so for the past few months, I’ve been thinking about starting one. Today I spoke to a few women’s refuges who confirmed that, yes, this is a big issue for them and they would be very interested in working with a group that organised long-term fostering for the pets of refuge residents.

      I’m pretty sure it’s a feasible initiative, but I’ve only ever joined existing projects and initiatives before. Right now, it’s just me and possibly one other friend, so the first step is finding other people. Somewhere on the To Do list will be talking to organisations doing a similar thing in the UK and the US, especially with regard to establishing guidelines and best practices around security, legal issues and so on.

      But are there any resources with more general information about good guidelines for starting a group volunteer project like this? Or was there anything you wish you’d known when you were starting something similar?

  88. HGK +4

    California People of the Toast! I will be visiting your fair state in late July, and I am so excited! I am going to San Francisco and will be spending a little time in the north with friends, before renting a car and driving down the PCH. I plan to overnight in a little town somewhere between SF and LA – any suggestions? I’m mostly interested in optimal beach scenery.

    Next is LA. What should I do? What must I see? I will likely be there on weekdays, if that makes a difference. I like art, live music, farmers & flea markets, good food, coffee, good wine…

    Thank you thank you!!!

    1. annecara +1

      So I am not an LA native, but I was just visiting there last last week! LACMA is awesome. The LA Natural History Museum was fun, plus there is a massive rose garden right next to it – I could have spent hours just wandering through it like some romantic heroine. (Honestly, I think I liked the rose garden better than the museum.)

    2. bower_bird +1

      Everyone always suggests staying at the Madonna Inn on the PCH. I’ve never done it myself, but it looks awesome (and is the backdrop for the “Flesh Without Blood” Grimes video: https://youtu.be/Tv9YoYCKNoE). There are also some fun-looking hostels along the coast where you can stay in converted lighthouses and whatnot.

    3. parlato1973 +2

      if you are driving SF => LA, while the madonna inn is interesting, it is kinda the destination itself. you can stop & eat there and walk the public spaces and probably get the gist of it without staying there if you prefer. the thing is, too, while madonna inn is on PCH, it’s at a part where the highway goes inland, so if you want to stay on the beach, this is a bit different than that.

      if you want just like a small hotel right off the highway with a small town a tiny drive away, i’d suggest cambria. hotels on one side of the highway, pebble beaches on the other, and a quick drive inland takes you to cambria proper, a small beach town with great dining options.

      i would also suggest a wine tasting stop around this area if you are up for it. paso robles and san luis obispo [edna valley] are great places that are right off the highway. tangent right outside SLO is great, and all of it can be done if you stay in cambria as well.

      you might want to tour hearst castle, it’s very pretty, but can take some time. and see the sea lions at san simeon, just pull off the road and look over the railing when you see the signs.

      i’m a huge fan of central coast wine from santa maria on down to santa barbara, but it would really depend where in LA your destination is to see if going through that way makes sense.

      but when you get to LA, there is … me! and my little google group of LA toasties! tell us when you’re coming, we’ll set up a happy hour! and tell me whereabouts you’ll be in town, i can help with suggestions. i’m a native, and it’s my lifelong responsibility to be an ambassador here [ha].

    4. Linabobeena +2

      Stop in Big Sur! Maybe a yurt at Treepeople?
      LA things really depend on where you are staying. If east side of things, maybe Hollywood Farmers Market, concert at Hollywood Bowl, Rose Bowl flea market, Silver Lake Junction for coffee/cheese. Grab a glass of wine in Cliff’s Edge’s garden while you are there. If you like lines and hipsters, brunch at Sqirl. If not, Millie’s for people watching. There are too many restaurants to recommend one for dinner. (Depending where you are from and what you can get there, you may wanna hit up Koreatown or San Gabriel, for Chinese.) If you are on the West side, I dunno except I love taking visitors for a hike in Malibu and then lunch at Malibu Seafood. You will, of course, eat tacos. Also, people never talk about Downtown LA, but a stroll around the Bank District, a stop at Grand Central Market, and a gallery hop in the Arts District wouldn’t be a bad thing. Plus there are a few great museums downtown. I could go on and on, I guess. One tip is don’t plan too much! Especially things that are far apart. You can’t underestimate the traffic and how exhausting it is!

    5. laurensherm +2

      I just stayed in this yurt a few nights ago and loved it! https://www.airbnb.com/rooms/503885
      I highly recommend staying near Big Sur and checking out some of the hikes. And don’t miss Pfieffer Beach – it’s an incredible, violent, witchy beach with purple sand — one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen.

      LA is my home and I will copy and paste a list I wrote once before for another toastie and saved it to share again:
      LA is the greatest, I adore it. You will have a pretty different experience if you stay on the westside (beachier, suburb-ier, more stereotypically “LA”) or the eastside (more city-like, more hipsters, grungier but also cooler). Both are great in their own way, and if you can spend time in both I recommend it. My favorite things to do are (get ready this is super long because I am procrastinating and also love it here):

      -Eat ramen (on Sawtelle Blvd on the westside or Little Tokyo on the eastside)
      -Go to either of the Getty art museums (the Getty Villa is a drive up the coast to Malibu, which is definitely worth it. It’s built to look like an actual Roman villa and has great art and gardens)
      -Hike– I’m partially to Will Rogers state park, which is also home to the hilarious ranch home of old-timey movie star Will Rogers. The hike to the Griffith Observatory is good if you want an easy and semi-touristy hike
      – Go to a Bootie LA mashup dance party (they are every Saturday night at the Echoplex or the Regent). Seriously can’t recommend these enough, they might be my favorite thing to do right now in LA
      -have a drink and maybe take a swim at a hotel rooftop bar. The Ace Hotel downtown is good and pretty chill, especially on weekdays, and you don’t need to be staying there to visit and swim.
      -go to one of the Houston Brother’s bars. They are all themed speakeasy bars. My favorites are Breakroom 86 and No Vacancy. Make sure you look up how to find the hidden entrance on yelp first, though!
      -Eat the office burger at Father’s Office, then eat the umami burger at Umami Burger, and tell me which one you like best
      -if you like dive bars and burlesque, go to Jumbo’s Clown Room. Yes, it’s a “strip club,” but it transcends that label for sure. Bring dollar bills to tip the incredibly talented dancers and try not to fall in love with them!
      – Visit the southern beach cities for a chiller beach experience, or go to Venice or Santa Monica for a more tourist-y but more iconic experience
      -If you decide to do a theme park, I recommend Universal. You can see it all in one day if you go on a weekday, and I think it’s totally worth it. It’s not terribly busy even with the new Harry Potter world
      -If you want an HP fix without theme park prices, definitely check this out: http://www.yelp.com/biz/whimsic-alley-los-angeles Go see it on the day you do LACMA, The Grove, or the Petersen Automobile Museum
      – Museum of Jurassic Technology is a fun weird “museum” that is basically the art gallery of a mad scientist/historian/artist. If you love it, go visit The Gold Bug in Pasadena

      (Also would add for you based on your interests: The Broad, shopping on Melrose, dinner at Cafe Stella in Silverlake, and live music at Harvelle’s in Santa Monica)

  89. PaigePoo +24

    A List Of Things:
    1) A paper I submitted as first author to an important medical journal got a “revise and resubmit” determination today! I feel very vindicated, as this is a paper I wrote at my last job and I had to push very hard against some of my important co-authors whose edits I disagreed with. There’s still no guarantee it will be published, but the reviewer’s comments are all reasonable.

    2) I took a mental health work-from-home day today, with the stipulation that I would call my doctor and demand either an appointment with a mental health professional OR a prescription for an anti-depressant. I’ve been off my anti-depressants since September due to an annoying insurance thing. I was referred to a counselor 10 weeks ago, and I’m still being told “Yep, you’re on the wait list! Someone will call you!”. I feel like I’m barely keeping it together, but I’m hoping that a day off work will help me build the resolve I need to demand some kind of action.

    3) I’m waiting to hear if I’ve moved to the second round of interviews for a job I desperately want. I wish I didn’t desperately want this job, but here we are.

    1. mydonkeyfeet +5

      Aaaagh, waiting list for a counselor, that’s awful! Call again and demand a quicker response. Do it. Or I’ll do it for you and give them a piece of my mind.

  90. katenepveu +7

    Hey Fallen London Toasties:

    New free content suitable for everyone, a Mayoral Election!

    And the return of very expensive (non-real-money) content suitable for almost no-one, Seeking Mr Eaten’s Name.

    Because there’s something wrong with me, I’m more excited about the latter than the former, though the news that the fifth candle requires you to give up the ability to have an Ambition is pretty daunting and may make it a good place to pause, not that I’ll be there any time soon.

    (oops, Seeking was mentioned last week, where is my brain, sorry!)

    1. ConcinnityB +2

      It’s daunting and it would suck to miss out on the content, but I feel like the more they push YOU MIGHT REGRET THIS, the more I feel ‘no, but, I really want to do this?’

      1. katenepveu +1

        I would say it’s best thought of as end-game content, not the least because it won’t let you have an Ambition (or many other things) any more! But it requires so many high-level resources — yes, you can go the slow route with Peckish cards each week, if you can manage the menaces that come with hitting the caps, but you still have to sacrifice something major for Cerise’s, and if you can’t find people (or socks) to betray for Arthur’s you’ll have to buy Midnight Matriarchs, and if last time is any guide you’ll need a ton of Moon-pearls for Beau’s. Also, did I mention, no Ambition again ever?

        (Currently on Seeking 17, thinking I might get candles A-C (I already have D from last time) and then pause until the ambitions are done.)

  91. goonerkate +17

    Solo vacation advice please! Iceland Air is having a huge sale this week, so I’m planning my first ever alone trip for the fall. Any general tips for traveling alone? Or specific tips for traveling in Iceland?

    1. mydonkeyfeet +6

      No general tips, just enjoy it and take as many cafe breaks as you like, because there’s nobody else to say no. Traveling alone is great! And I’m envious that you’re going to Iceland. I want to go too. It looks so beautiful.

      1. goonerkate +1

        I’m pretty excited about being able to make my own itinerary completely, without making sure everyone else is getting to do what they want to.

    2. Es_Petal +4

      Iceland is lovely and delightful and I cannot imagine a more solo-traveller friendly place. Have an amazing time!

    3. dampestsquid +4

      Traveling in Iceland is great! I did it with a pal last year and when we would split up to do different things I always felt safe plus it’s super easy getting around.

      There are soooo many tours and tour groups that you can join (if that’s your jam) that seeing the country isn’t that difficult. I’ve heard that getting a car and driving isn’t too hard in the summer either. We did the usual tourist stuff but the best part was going into the interior by a Landmannalaugar tour then hiking around the mountains.

      Look out for the weather though! We went to late June and it SNOWED.

    4. ladyimogen +3

      So great!!! Blue Car Rental in Iceland rents older model cars for a lot cheaper than most companies, and having your own transportation is realllllly helpful if that’s an option for you. The Ring Road is an amazing way to go, with detours for the Snaesfellsness Penninsula. A day on the island of Heimaey was the very, very, very best part. Lodging in the shoulder season is also not terrible cost-wise! How much time do you have? Do you have room for some splurges? I would be happy to talk/email at length! faye . c . willard at gmail.com

    5. lemonadefish +2

      I don’t really have any alone tips, but Iceland is wonderful! Everyone speaks English, and lots of people were very friendly. You’ll have a blast!

    6. GreenGrasses +2

      Iceland is the best! Was just there in March. Try to get a car if you can, because that will make you free as a bird to do whatever you like! The Ring Road takes a long time to drive (like seven to ten days) so if you don’t have that kinda time, I can highly recommend doing something like: a few days in Reykjavik, see the golden circle sights, a day or two in Stykkisholmur on the Snaefellsness Peninsula.

  92. deleted7410012 +6

    I have a question!

    So since getting off the pill (OTC-lo) and onto an IUD (Skyla), I feel like…my acne has definitely gotten a little worse, and I think my body hair + facial hair might be growing faster too. I was on the pill for over a decade (15-27) so I have no idea what my hormones are doing on their own, you know?

    I’ve done a little research and it sounds like Spironolactone might be the way to go. Does anyone have any experience with it?

    1. Dangbattleship +1

      I found that spironalactone didn’t help and, word of warning, made my blood pressure so low that it was hard to go for runs. I have very treatment-resistant acne so ymmv on the effectiveness of course. The blood pressure thing is real and they don’t make as big a deal of it as a side effect as I think it warrants – when I brought it up the doc said “oh yes that can happen” like it was no thing.

    2. shombalor +1

      For me, spiro is a miracle. my terrible hormonal cystic acne is completely gone, and I haven’t really experienced any side effects, although I try to keep extra hydrated now. Running is pretty much antithetical to my nature so I can’t speak to that issue, though.

      1. deleted7410012 +1

        thanks for the info! i’m definitely not a runner myself, but sometimes i already experience low blood pressure, so…good to know i should bring it up with my doctor if i ask her about spiro!

        1. shombalor +1

          I actually have relatively low blood pressure too, but it’s been fine. I think spiro works for me because my acne was truly hormonal, but it sounds like yours might be too (especially if it’s around the chin area). good luck!

          1. deleted7410012 +1

            yep, definitely the chin. and weirdly, right between the brows as well.

            but a biggie for me has been the hair growth. i got laser hair removal as a teen on my upper lip and only had blonde fuzz left over. over the past few years, i’ve only had to bleach the few dark stragglers…once every few months? lately i’ve noticed that every few WEEKS it seems like there are more dark hairs among the blonde. and the hair on my stomach too, seems darker and thicker. i don’t want any of it! go away, hair!

    3. adoptraya +4

      I am on spironolactone, and it has been wonderful. It does take a couple months to really start working, so just be aware of that.

      I have PCOS (do you have it too? Your symptoms sound familiar to mine) and I am on the Pill for hormonal regulation as well as birth control reasons. I still ended up needing to take spironolactone about 4 months ago because I was dealing with vicious cystic acne that hurt SO MUCH.

      The spiro has treated the acne, and I haven’t had any blood pressure problems. I do make sure to keep hydrated, but I was doing that before starting on spiro.

      Anecdotally, my sister has PCOS as well, and when she switched from the Pill to a hormonal IUD, her PCOS symptoms came back with a vengeance. I think that a hormonal IUD probably isn’t great for regulating hormonal disorders, because I don’t think the hormone levels are as high as the levels in the Pill.

    4. loren_smith +1

      I’ve been on it for about two years, and it has been a life saver! I think it made my boobs grow, which was a big bummer. I’m on a really low dose now, 25mg/day.

      When I was on a stronger dose I got a little dizzy, and tasted saltiness in my mouth a lot, but that has all resolved. It has made an amazing difference to my skin though.

      1. deleted7410012 +1

        fffff i do not want my boobs to grow anymore. these 30f suckers are already too much for me. 

        but thank you for your info!

    3. inkwashed +15

      that face just makes me want to displease her even more by snuggling it. <3 *heart-eyes-emoji*

    4. Heathered +13

      It looks like the force of her fury eroded everything but her face and front paws! And I’ll bet she’d still drag herself across a crowded room to bite someone’s ankles. Kitty. Face.

    6. aintnothingtoit +3

      YES hatred cat returns! what a good beastie, I want her to be internet famous.

  94. currerbell789 +1

    This question is specifically for Boston-area Toasties, and might be a bit of a longshot, but people have been so great and helpful in the past, I might as well.

    For the past year, I’ve been living in a place that is a bit of a mixed bag, so I’ve been really on the fence about renewing the lease. The main thing is the landlord is HORRIBLE–won’t fix things, sends super hostile emails, freaks out about extremely minor stuff or is MIA….anyways despite all that I was considering renewing the lease because it’s an amazing location for where I need to be, and moving is horrible.

    I sent in a rental app a couple weeks ago and then crickets. Today, I’m getting ready and there is a knock on the door and real estate agents are standing there, saying that the house is going on the market and they need to take pics. I wasn’t informed of this at all, and haven’t heard anything, but long story short, I guess I’m going to need a new place to live. I sent the landlord a panicked email about an hour ago, but now the more I think about it, the more I don’t even want to put up this.

    Basically, I need a new place to live. I’ve been going through Craigslist and I REALLY don’t want to do that again, but I feel like with short notice, this is what you have to do. I’ve had some bad experiences with Craigslist in the past, plus living with random people when you have anxiety is not fun. Anyways, I want to hyperventilate at the thought of this, and the thought of housing in Boston, and everything associated with moving, but does anyone know of either reasonably priced (for a grad student) studio housing in the area, or of availability in housing with kind, decent, friends of Toast type people?

    Again, I know this might be a stretch, but I’d appreciate any leads or advice. This was super unexpected and upsetting and I am just so tired of dealing with housing in this city.

    1. renjender +10

      First, just because the place is going on the market doesn’t mean you need to move immediately. Don’t move someplace shitty (or shittier) just because some real estate agents stopped by without calling first (BTW they need to do this and you are within your rights to say that they can’t come in, “Call next time,” if they show up at your door without notice).

      Second, what’s your budget? I’m not an agent, but my mother’s a nice, responsive landlord. I have an under-market, lovely 2nd floor 1 BR that I was going to put on Craig’s List this afternoon for her: it will be refurbished and ready for move-in on 8/15. It is also in A Very Desirable Area. No dogs but a cat is fine. If you’d rather email: njender at gmail dot com.

    2. steelyglints +2

      It is so super shitty around here! Try going to Apartment Rental Experts – they are def not the best but they represent most of the apartments in the area anyway. So instead of weeding though CL you can go straight to the source!

      This is probably too far off to be helpful but I’ll have a small room in my place available in January (or possibly September but it’s starting to look unlikely) It’s a 4 bedroom near Davis square, $695. My email is laney950 at msn dot com – if your at all interested, maybe as a back up, send me a message!

      1. currerbell789 +2

        Thanks for the solidarity! We need a support group for shitty Boston housing.

        I will definitely send you an email! I used to live around Davis (in JP now) and love the area. I am looking to move around September, but that’s good as a backup! Thanks again!

    3. spring chickens +5

      Yikes, be careful about the photos — if you have anything valuable (electronics!) don’t let those show in the pictures. You have the right not to have your personal possessions in the pictures in general for privacy reasons, but furthermore it is a really really good idea not to let them photograph anything valuable you’ve got for security reasons (at the very least, put a bedsheet over it or something). People 100% case apartments for burglary this way — and it’s not your landlord’s stuff, so he probably doesn’t care.

      I had a problem with a landlord over this – and it can feel very violating! They do have a right to photograph the apartment, and you have to help make that possible, but you have a legal right not to have your private belongings photographed and they also need to reasonably accommodate that.

    4. bundtpan +2

      We have a room coming available in my house either August or September. Pricing might be a bit higher than others you can find, but there is me, my dog, and two other roommates who are good people. Landlord is a bit of a dope, but is responsive and not a dick.

      Let me know if you want more info!

      1. currerbell789 +1

        I would definitely love more info! That’s around when I want to move. I’m CurrerBell789 on Twitter if you want to find me there, or you can email me at [email protected]

  95. OliviaPJones +18

    Toasts, I have not been around lately because of terrible things happening in the world and being sad about the last days of the Toast and also work stress and moving stress but you guys are the best. <3 I will try to figure out this Slack thing soon, promise.

    Oh and also my husband and I are moving back to Philly from the Bay Area in less than two weeks!!! We are driving with two cats. It will be hell. I am terrified and excited all at once, mostly because we are still trying to find jobs. But heyyyy Philly toasts!

    3. bread_and_roses +5

      [waves] we’ve got humidity, bad attitudes, and hoagies waiting for you!

    4. sneepsnake +1

      Oh hey, my husband and I will be doing a similar drive (PNW to State College) with 2 dogs and a cat in about two weeks. (When we moved out here from the south, it was with one dog and 4 cats. We drove that straight, trading off on sleeping, and it was hell.) The move is a good thing, but the getting there is not going to be very fun.

  96. sulagna0 +23

    I tweeted about this, but I’m trying to do more creative stuff (especially with my art) and the Toast was always a great place to experiment with that stuff, but with the Toast ending, I’m not sure where it’ll go. So with the Toast ending, I’m working on publishing illustrated zines of the weird, fun stuff I loved writing for the Toast. So my “If Oscar Isaac Were Your Boyfriend” piece will be a forthcoming illustrated zine!!! Will keep you updated via Twitter & Tumblr.

    So! Do y’all have thoughts on zines? What are your favorites? I loooove Yumi Sakugawa’s stuff but Gemma Correll always has funny stuff.

    1. CleverManka +1

      I would love to see what you do! What are your Tumblr and Twitter names, please?

    3. tuochadoucha +1

      Um, hello! I actually work for the zine archive and publishing project in my spare time so I read a lot of zines (zappseattle.org).

      I really like (this series) [https://microcosmpublishing.com/catalog/zines/6200]. Also, we recently received a bundle of zines after partnering with a zine cafe called Cagibi in Montreal that are simultaneously amazing and also full of the kind of grossup closeup art that I see a lot of in zines. Basically, I post from ZAPP’s social media with neat zines that I find a lot, so if you follow us and @zinenation it’s a good way to get recommendations. 🙂

        1. tuochadoucha +1

          Nope! I do not know how to use Twitter! the ZAPP twitter is perpetuated by a tool called “If This Then That.” I post to Instagram/Tumblr and our twitter is automatically updated. I am such a luddite that I use technology to avoid technology. HOWEVER, I LOVE Instagram. My username is @battlestar_gasmacktica and I would love if you followed me so I could follow you too and see your zine when it’s done!

  97. amardine +4

    This might be too far down for many to see, BUT:

    NYC TOASTS! I just learned of a *book swap* in Prospect Park happening this Sunday! This seems highly relevant to Toast interests, so I wanted to pass along the information: https://www.facebook.com/events/1611719269145768/

    Now the real dilemma is: what book do I love, but am still willing to part with?!

    Hope to see some of you there 🙂

  98. dakimel +14

    What am I looking forward to? Hmm.

    Moving Truck #1, arriving within the hour to take the furniture being sold away
    Kitchen #1, at least 4 boxes to go in my packing marathon
    Kitchen #2, an hour or so to unpack #1 boxes, then several hours tonight to repack with #2 dishes
    Moving Truck #2, arriving in 20 hours to take away House #2’s furniture, packed dishes, etc, then
    Moving Truck #2, going from House #2 to House #1 to pick up the furniture going into storage with all of House #2’s stuff (House #2 is my parents’ house we’re renting, but must empty it first)
    Housecleaning #1, to get the spiders and dust and things I won’t want to know about much less deal with out of House #2 before stuff from House #1 arrives
    Garage #1, because I’ve managed to declutter the rest of House #1 LIKE A DAMN HERO ALL ON MY OWN, thanks Mr Daki’s mom for breaking a hip and having a greater claim on his time than I do right now, but Garage #1 is a nest of leaves and junk and dirt, held together with spider webs, and I may not emerge alive on Sunday
    Transferring still-recovering-from-yesterday’s-wisdom-tooth-extraction Kid 2, plus the dog, to House #2 on Sunday night, so they can together await the cable guys Monday morning, while I await
    Moving Truck #3 on Monday morning, to take the rest of the furniture from House #1 to House #2, and finally
    Housecleaning #2, wherein I decide my renters can just suck it and I set fire to the place, rather than cleaning one more inch of space so they can move in on Wednesday.

    Gonna be so chill, y’all.

    2. PaigePoo +2

      YOU GOT THIS!! Sending positive Toast vibes that everything goes off without a hitch.

    3. KatPruska +3

      Oh my god, I feel my limbs curling into fetal position just reading that. I’ve handled all the packing and discarding for all four of our moves, and the idea of coordinating two separate houses and three moving trucks is giving me major secondhand stress. Please, drink all of the wine!

    4. themegnapkin +2

      I admire your ability to continue posting a series of handsome men to your instagram feed in the midst of all this moving craziness.

      1. dakimel +3

        Oh, the dudes are scheduled at the end of the previous month, and my smartest moving-destressor move was that I’ve already picked out all of the July men (going through the Days of the Year calendar and finding each day’s pic takes hours I should spend writing.) (Snarky autocorrect just suggested “writhing” instead of “writing”)

        So all I have to do now is get to the new house and spend a couple of hours scheduling them into Hootsuite.

  99. Tanabeth +7

    Toasties! Before we no longer have the open thread, can I ask for some advice?

    I am a grad student in art history slowly stumbling towards the finish line on my PhD. Like many others, I am starting to have some very serious doubts about pursuing the tenure track, for a whole host of reasons. But if I can’t do the tenure track, what can I do?? I’ve started to think about looking into university administration. I’ve done some admin type work (student advising) as part of my funding package and I liked it.

    Has anyone else pursued this option and do you have any advice for me? Unfortunately, this is my last year and I need to finish my dissertation in it, so little time is available for getting a part time job (and I’m lucky enough to have a fellowship, which doesn’t allow me to work) – but is there anything I can do to prepare for possibly getting a job in the field? Maybe informational interviews?

    I appreciate any and all comments, even just commiseration over the godawful job market!

    1. CleverManka +4

      Does your university have a career center? Or does your department have a job placement advisor or graduate director who could point you to some resources?

    2. CheddarBiscuit +3

      Uh, are you me? Probably not, but I am also getting a PhD in art history, am 99% certain that I won’t even pursue a traditional academic job after I defend, and I posted upthread about trying to transition to non-academic things.

      Anyway, it sounds like I am slightly closer to being done than you — I’m defending in Sept. I realized pretty soon after I became ABD that academia was losing its appeal for me (though, to be honest, it really took me several years to be totally honest with myself about that). The way I responded to that was by deciding to use my dissertation writing years to also get as much experience doing alternative things that I might be interested in; for me, this meant a year doing a museum education internship, slightly more than a year working for a student life-related office on campus, and a year in a curatorial fellowship. I’m now looking for full-time jobs, and though I haven’t gotten an offer yet, I’ve had a bunch of interviews and have gotten close, so I think the experience I’ve gotten has made me marketable. In addition, exploring other things just made me feel a lot less anxious and reminded me that I have a lot more to offer than my academic work. Like you, I also had funding during this time. I know you say that your university doesn’t allow you to work, but is that absolute? In my case, there was a cap to how much I could earn doing outside work each year, so I just had to watch for that and make sure that these other things didn’t slow down my progress too much. It might be worth double-checking the fine print on your fellowship, if you haven’t already. If you can’t earn money, though, having funding might also give you the freedom to take on an unpaid internship or volunteer position for a few hours each week to explore fields you’re curious about and gain experience, if that’s of interest.

      I’ll add that when I first started thinking about alternatives to academia, I found the versatile PhD website very useful. Your institution will probably have a subscription, and they have forums, as well as success stories of former academics that can be very encouraging.

      Best of luck!

    3. fenixdawn +2

      Oh heyyyyyy. Art history PhD here, who bailed on the job market and is now doing something entirely un-academic. Here’s my story, if it helps. At some point, I realized that the academic job market was a joke, and that I didn’t have anything close to the passion/insanity/commitment to even try to make it work. I started volunteering at various places, found something that stuck, and then kinda stumbled into managing a small local retail shop.

      First of all, Clever Manka’s advice on talking to a career counselor is spot on. While you are still connected to the university, it is worth checking it out to see if they have any resources for you (they may have things available for alumni too, but it is hard to say). So that is a great place to start.

      I did a bunch of informational interviewing which was . . .semi-helpful. It can give you an idea of other jobs, and can be helpful to talk to other people who have either transitioned out of academia and/or are doing work that you think might help. It is tricky to do without seeming like you are trying to get a back door into the organization. Definitely check out the Ask A Manager website, which has some great advice on this sort of thing.

      In terms of advising, it is good if you have some experience but be aware that those are competitive jobs these days (especially with so many ex-academics looking for other work). The other issue is that those jobs are more and more wanting a masters in something like Student Affairs. So, it is definitely not a bad idea, but be aware that it could be really hard to be competitive, especially if you are competing against people with experience and a relevant masters (which I hate to say, you probably are).

      I emphatically second CheddarBiscuit’s advice about getting some other experience in whatever way you can. Paid or unpaid, having something other than academia on your resume is really useful. And too, it helps to give you an idea of what you may want to do and also can help you feel more confident in terms of worth/value/experience outside of academia.

      Keep us posted! As someone who really struggled with this process, I feel alot of solidarity with you and CheddarBiscuit, so I’ll be thinking of you both!

  100. shartbreaker +29

    I just wanted to drop a work story here for all to enjoy…
    I work at a clinic that provides abortions, among other things. We have two regular white male protestors. The most senior coworkers will talk over any patient saying they were annoyed or saddened by their protests because “that’s just Bill and Gary, they’ve been coming here for years, they’re teddy bears, we exchange christmas cards” and kind of act like maintaining the status quo is the most important, mature thing to do.
    Gary came to protest wearing a homemade Army of God shirt, which is a terrorist organization that promotes killing abortion providers.
    One of my coworkers quit over this.
    The other (older, in positions of power) coworkers are defending the protestor.
    I am leaving at the end of July if I don’t get murdered first!! Send me flight attendant job vibes!! Thanks America and southern women culture!!!!! <3

    1. CleverManka +55

      “that’s just Bill and Gary, they’ve been coming here for years, they’re teddy bears, we exchange christmas cards”

    4. gentlehangovers +13

      They EXCHANGE XMAS CARDS? No. No no no. (I’m so late to this, but feel strongly that this is disgusting)

  101. ClickityCat +29

    Toasties, the powers that be at my office are installing an anti-homeless person drip system. There is a roof overhang by the backdoor that is sheltered from the rain and mostly hidden from the street, where a homeless person sleeps at night. Our office has told him it’s okay as long as he is gone in the morning and he has mostly kept to the agreement. But the landlord hired someone to attach a thin plastic pipe to the underside of of the overhang that will slowly drip water onto the formerly sheltered spot. As much as the lack of empathy, the sheer passive-agressiveness is getting to me. I hate this place.

    1. theviciouscircle1 +27

      G-d, why would you intentionally spend money to keep someone who is already having to sleep outdoors from being able to keep themselves safe and dry.

    2. beaucoup1314 +14

      Gah! As ClickityCat wrote, what a damn passive-aggressive hostile thing to do. Is there any way to sabotage this set up?

    4. lemonadefish +22

      Apart from the terrible hostility of this, as a building professional, I would like to point out that when it is cold, this is going to make for some nasty ice right at the back door! Serves them right I guess? What assholes.

      1. ClickityCat +7

        I hadn’t even thought of that! More motivation to find a new job by winter.

    5. happysadcat +28

      That’s horrifying, I’m so sorry. I would very much like to find this person’s house and break their water main every six months or so. Also, drill very small holes in the roof of their car, as well as hide shrimp in the headliner.

  102. FitzEmpress +7

    I found out today that a job I applied for YESTERDAY (a student assistant job that was practically written with me in mind, although I’m sure the library did not mean me specifically since I’m not that much of a narcissist) just closed today, abruptly, via form letter.

    The only thing keeping me calm is that at least nobody was chosen–probably budget–because I was SO EXCITED to have $10.50 an hour for doing MARC21 records coming my day. SO EXCITED. (Also, I’m broke!)

    Aside from that lovely doozy of an email, I started therapy yesterday and will be doing crew camp over the weekend.

    Toasties who row, the last time I have actually rowed on the water was in 2007. I made sure this time to plan clingy, short-sleeves or no-sleeves outfits, and got SPF60 to help avoid getting 3-hours-in-the-sun-with-Irish-skin sunburns. I have a waterproof case for my ID and house key–my phone will…god, idk what we will all do with our phones. Aside from “sit up straight, goddamit,” what should I keep in mind?

    1. PaigePoo +3

      Not a rower, but had a roommate and good friend who was one. This is probably an obvious suggestion, but make sure to have LOTS of food available for post-rowing. My friend would make banquet-sized portions of food (cut fruit, fruit salads, pasta salads with chicken, etc) so that when she got home from practice she could just pour it in her mouth without having to think. Also, Ziploc baggies for your phones!!

      1. FitzEmpress +1

        I just found a Ziploc bag large enough for my phone in my desk drawer! Yay, I don’t have to run out and do any more shopping!

        And I was thinking I would come back and shower, then crawl to the dining hall and EAT ALL THE THINGS. (Except on Sunday, where I go back, shower, then go to the SOLIS social and EAT ALL THE SANDWICH RINGS.)

  103. betsymore +15

    Toasties, I had a second interview for the job that I thought I hadn’t gotten it for last week. I will find out sometime next week. (Which, if last round was any indication, means 4pm on Friday.) I think the interview went fair-to-middling. Not terrible, not amazing. So it could go either way.

    I reeeeeeeaaaaaalllly want this job. I would be ever so grateful if you could send good wishes in my general direction. <3

    In other news, I am so, so sad at our beloved website’s impending termination. I never thought I could be so sad about something like that.

    2. PaigePoo +2

      Oh, hello me! I’m currently waiting to hear if I have a second interview. I…just about want to die while waiting. I think my first interview was also fair-to-middling. UGH. Good wishes and vibes to you!!!

  104. Werkwerk +17

    For realsies I need to spend today writing job applications and not reading all of the Toast, but I just wanted to say again I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH and that you bring immeasurable joy and comfort and laughter and happiness to my life.

    So I guess – if anyone is reading this far down – transitions thread? Transitions of losing the toast and finding a new professional home?

    2. CleverManka +6

      I was inspired to start clevermanka.net because of The Toast’s closing and then decided to use it as a way to document me changing my life to be a better and happier person and someday no longer be chained to this computer/desk, soooooo….Yes.

  105. Claudia +24

    Hey all, I just survived a week-long visit from my mom at my house! I survived it! And by God, was it a doozy. But not the worst ever, so there’s that.

    I think I might’ve matured slightly recently because I just got saturated with the negativity and judgement and criticism and really archaic views very early on and after that my cup just ranneth overed, meaning that I let it slide away from me and not keep building. I was saturated, but not supersaturated and didn’t crystallize. Or something. You get it.

    Anyway, I think some of my recent maturity has come from the Toast and their commenters who are always there to say, “Nope. That’s bullshit.” And you don’t have to actually say it about something specific. I just know that there are women out there who I think would agree with me about all the various insane things she went on about and who would call it out. I did call it out, too. Not every single time, because it was that exhausting, but I did my best and spoke my mind a lot and net result was a better visit. Still very trying, but better.

    After I dropped her off at the airport, I drove straight to a local French bakery and got a mixed berry tart and a pain au chocolat. Self-care, y’all. I love the Toast and you all and will miss this and I guess I should download Slack? I should download Slack.

    Nikki, thinking of your family now and hoping for the best for him. Internet hugs.

    2. Fluffernutter +6

      My father and his girlfriend just visited me for 5 days and I did NOT fare so well as you, so KUDOS on doing the impossible task of staying calm whilst being bombarded by crazy family members!

  106. betsymore +5

    Also, a question for the wise patrons of this establishment:

    What to get as a wedding present for a couple who don’t live together and can’t for the foreseeable future? Homey-type stuff seems inapt. It was a small wedding and I wasn’t invited, so cash seems weird. But I like them and want to get them something! Ideally less than $75.

    1. Ethylbenzene +7

      What about a gift card to a local restaurant (if you know) or a spa for a couple’s massage?

    2. lemonadefish +3

      Do they have a registry? You can’t go wrong shopping from the registry! Otherwise cash seems fine to me, or a gift certificate (do they have to travel to see each other? Airplane gift card maybe?)

      1. Ethylbenzene +6

        Yeah cash is totally appropriate as a wedding gift, tbh. I was totally shocked at how many people gave us cash. Like, cousins my own age, former coworkers, friends. Weird but apparently the Done Thing.

    3. ladyimogen +3

      How about a gift certificate for something really fun? An evening sail, or beer tour, or something? I’m thinking a bit cheesy and touristy but prime memory-making fodder.

  107. ballisticjaguar +12

    So Toast, I just found out about Mother may I sleep with Danger? A lesbian vampire movie by Lifetime. I think I need to see this movie.

    1. Jungle_Red +4

      Linda Holmes wrote a hilarious review: “I adore a silly, campy TV movie. Seriously: If you ever get a chance to watch Deadly Spa with friends or strangers, you should. It’s funny and dopey and gleefully stupid. This is just dull, self-satisfied exploitation that thinks having a girl play Macbeth (get it?) and having the witches in the play make the “toil and trouble” scene into a writhing sex video (which Franco, as the play’s director, leers at appreciatively) means you have ideas. That’s not an idea. That’s a photo shoot for a men’s magazine with a “10 WOMEN WE WANT RIGHT NOW” headline on the cover. ”
      http://www.npr.org/sections/monkeysee/2016/06/17/…

    2. bookwormV +1

      I am sure that in one of the early Princess Diaries books the main character talks about a Lifetime film by this name, but I definitely don’t remember vampires being mentioned (or lesbians).

  108. aqueousmedium +5

    Toasties who have lived and been married in other countries then returned home to visit and have informal receptions, what wedding gifts did you appreciate as thoughtful yet not taking up much space in luggage – aside from cash, that is?

    1. ladyimogen +2

      Not quite another country, but opposite ends of the continent; we got gift cards, which were so helpful, and Rosetta Stone, which was awesome, and a lamp made of local granite (not easily transportable, but completely beloved). Also some really nice stationery and books.

      1. aqueousmedium +1

        Gift card may be the way to go, though a local granite lamp sounds awesome!

  109. hlmorris85 +16

    Random question time!

    What is the most disgustingly hipster-ish thing you’ve ever done?

    Mine would have to be going to see Vampire Weekend play at the Boston Museum of Fine Arts in like 2007 (they were this totally underground group, you’ve probably never heard of them). It did disappoint me that they played in like a conference room instead of amongst the art, because I was an insufferable twentysomething.

    1. Ethylbenzene +18

      Made my own tofu while drinking my own homemade kombucha? Is that hipster or something else?

      1. dashitall +8

        I’d wager that’s “crunchy,” but you still get a gold star. That sounds awesome.

        1. Ethylbenzene +6

          Fair enough hahah! Homemade tofu is kind of a process but it’s not actually *difficult,* just a little time consuming and you NEED a really good blender.

    2. mmsees +11

      It’s less hipster and more bougie but my Sunday morning routine since I moved to SF is getting a fancy latte, going to the farmer’s market, and getting a scone from the collectively owned bakery in my neighborhood and I’m a little ashamed every time.

      1. PaigePoo +13

        Haha! This is my current Saturday Life in Chicago. Walk to the farmer’s market, get a cold brew with sweetened condensed milk from the women-owned coffee shop’s stall, and a spinach-and-egg hand pie from the bakery stall. I don’t hate it and I won’t apologize.

      2. Fluffernutter +7

        I am also shame-filled when I patronize hipster restaurants and yet… the food is SO. GOOD.

    3. dashitall +11

      The entire summer I lived in Allston was just one dirty, hipster blur. Rats, cheap Thai, drinking in public, wearing your boyfriend’s too-big clothes.

      A couple weekends ago I went to a bike/beer/bike art event called ArtCrank. That was so “””hip””” my head almost exploded.

      1. S. Pebbletush +2

        The three years I lived in Allston were a dirty, hipster blur. Yes to rats, cheap thai, drinking in Allston (“public” and “private” spheres do not exist in Allston), and wearing girlfriends’ too-big clothes. Also, frequenting the Dunkin Donuts near the Staples every time I needed to run errands, the very depressing grayness of that neighborhood, and the fact that my apartment was way fucking cuter than most in the neighborhood. And my car didn’t get lit on fire!!!

        Oh, Allston. Never change.

    4. lemonadefish +13

      One time, my hippest co-worker tried to tell me about this awesome new band he’d just heard about, and I was all, oh yeah, my dad’s girlfriend’s cousin plays bass in that band!

      Also I randomly went to an Upright Citizen’s Brigade show before there was a TV show, and was able to breezily drop that info on a NYC friend who was trying to impress lil ol midwestern me.

    5. paddlepickle +30

      Well, I’ve always been sort of a terrible hipster. But, I recently realized that I was always doomed to be one, and the evidence is that I was over Hanson before they were cool.

      My uncle is an entertainment lawyer so was always giving me CDs before they came out. I was obsessed with Hanson for like a year before that album came out and they got huge, but by the time they did I was like ‘ugh, everyone’s into them now. They totally sold out. I’m more into their old stuff’. I was 8.

      1. dashitall +9

        You win! There was a punk collective house in my old neighborhood and I was. So. Fascinated. By their lives.

        1. bread_and_roses +3

          It was a great place to spend time (it no longer exists – the couple who owned it broke up and sold the house.) I went to weekly potlucks there for a long time, and loved hanging out with the rotating cast of housemates.

          But. I would never have been able to live there. I’m not a neat freak by any means, but there was a level of dirt that was unsettling to me. And I need much more privacy than would be possible there.

    7. ayelltee +9

      I keep ending up at horribly hipster restaurants, thanks to good friends who love checking out the Latest Greatest. Last month was this…place….that ticked all the boxes: mismatched water glasses; uncomfortable picnic-bench seats; male waitstaff wearing the mandatory jeans, lumberjack shirts and facial hair; bizarre drinks menu (one cocktail had olive oil; another had molasses, lambrusco and absinthe GAG GAG GAG); tiny portions with inflated prices; savory desserts (no, I don’t want mixed-herb ice cream).

    8. bower_bird +10

      I flew out to Minneapolis, rented a car and drove two hours into Wisconsin to go to Bon Iver’s music festival. While there, I took an unrepentant mirror selfie (in which I was wearing a flower crown, obvs.) in the UofW dorm that inspired the song “Towers.” I cheered louder when The National brought their Icelandic performance artist friend on stage than when Sufjan Stevens came out, because of course I’m familiar with Ragnar Kjartansson’s work “A Whole Lot of Sorrow.” I proved my mettle in the crowd by having the correct opinions about other bands in the Twin Cities music scene. That’s my peak hipster moment.

    9. irreverantontheinternet +8

      Lived in Eugene, OR

      (mostly kidding, I loved that little city. but it was pretty hipster)

    10. bird_internet +19

      I used to wear a spandex unitard out in public pretty regularly. I happened to be wearing it during a community art show/gathering in college when I got pulled on stage to participate in a performance piece where I had to slowly pour ketchup on a guy while he read poetry.

    11. Mrs_Peel +24

      I regularly pay $8 for a quart of yogurt that has the cows’ names on the jar.

        1. Mrs_Peel +25

          *clears throat dramatically*

          Cleo
          Maple
          Sugar
          Lina
          Bam-Bam
          Gordie
          Demeter
          Lucy
          Dot
          Wanda

          2. citystillbreath +6

            I wish I could upvote this comment a thousand names. Bless those cows’ hearts.

  110. rebeccalibrarian +11

    I’ve been wondering and am now also inspired by the “toastest” comments thread –

    What is your favorite Toast Quote – you know, the one that pops into your head or that you’ve worked into conversation or that you wish you had on a throw pillow or that just makes you crack up or think or whatever

    Bonus points if you also know which post it is from so I can explore the depths of toastdom that I have missed

    1. bucklemeswash +14

      Ooh, this is fun! And so doable now that all the Toast Looks Back posts are running to remind us of happier times!

      I give you this, from Dirtbag Jason and the Argonauts:

      JASON: a of all “and lover” is implied when you say squire
      you don’t need to add it on
      obviously we are all having sex with our squires
      that is just a given
      and second of b
      if they’re BOTH missing
      it cancels each other out

      I now use “a of all and second of b” regularly, and the only reason I am not having sex with my squire is that I do not have one. (If anyone wants to submit Reasons Why I Would Make An Excellent Squire and You Should Consider Me For The Position, I would be happy to consider it).

      1. rebeccalibrarian +9

        YES I have been using “second of b” at least to myself. I forgot where that came from! All of the Looks Back posts are partly what inspired me to ask this question 🙂

    2. bucklemeswash +12

      Oh oh oh also SOMETHING IN THE KEY OF GOURDS

      (from Hey Ladies: Autumnal Shower. I fear Ali, but also really want to be her, because I am a terrible person and feel that my current lifestyle does not fully celebrate my terribleness).

      1. OoTheHumanities +10

        In the middle school cafeteria that is life, you bet your bippy I would be sitting at the queer librarians’ table. THAT WAS MEEEEEEE <3

    4. happysadcat +19

      Surprise, Fucko! (dirtbag Athena)

      Whatever this whole situation is (Dogs Western Art History)

      Sorry sorry sorry dog problems (Women trying to leave (?) in Western History)

      This is the real class struggle. (dirtbag Karl Marx)

      Edited to add: No, that’s bears (Women Having a Terrible Time in Western Art History) makes me laugh at the oddest moments.

    6. rangiferina +13

      it’s always gonna be this:

      “Help me,” came a frightened whisper from behind him. “I’m Ron.”

      “What?”

      “I said…” Dumbledore hesitated. “I said…” A single tear rolled down his cheek. “I said, ‘I love Tron.’ I love the movie Tron.”

      “Right, then,” Harry said, and left the room.

      “I’m Ron,” Dumbledore whispered after he’d gone.

    7. hlmorris85 +8

      Ever since you returned from the North, you take enormous pride in being both unmarried and ugly. (How to Tell If You’re In a Flannery O’Conner Story)

      1. bucklemeswash +2

        Oh man, so many great quote from that post! I love the lil bird-owl too! and also “N/A”, and “FINE”, but it’s harder to tell that they are quotes from this post.

  111. PotterPotterson +14

    My birthday is next week and I’m taking the ENTIRE WEEK off. I’m off work in 90 minutes. So excited.

    I have some plans (1 day float bc I live in Missouri & that’s how we do, Pride parties, maybe a tattoo), but otherwise… nothing. I considered flying to a few places with friends and family, but decided I didn’t want to spend the money. So in that vein, I’d love to hear your staycation ideas, plans, etc. Lay them on me!

    1. lemonadefish +5

      I would probably sew a quilt or build that window seat I’ve been meaning to get to, and possibly make a really elaborate cake! If you like leaving the house, maybe some touristy destinations you wouldn’t usually go to? museum, state park, place where they paint tiny pictures of dogs on your fingernails?

      1. PotterPotterson +4

        I do plan on working on some crafty stuff! I recently learned how to make bookcloth out of random fabric and I want to do some sewing and small book binding.

        And the cake, yes! My thoughts this year are rhubarb cake. I love it. Maybe I’ll make a fancy version…

    2. happysadcat +3

      I’m also taking time off with a birthday soon, apparently ’tis the season.
      Ima work on my house (living room fit for humans, paint my stairs, scrub the living life out of my kitchen), sew some cute tops for work, sleeeeeeeeep, maybe take a day trip up to the Big City and lay in witch supplies. Knit, read, repeat.

      1. PotterPotterson +3

        Sleeeeeeep yes! I won’t be working on the house, but I definitely want to clean like whoa and reorganize some stuff. I also have to do some adulting, like my oil change.

        Sewing and big city visit for witch supplies sounds amazing. I’mma spend a bit more time with my tarot cards.

    3. bird_internet +3

      I have none but I just want to take a moment and express my appreciation for the Missouri float trip. My family does the Current River every year with a large group and we always have several cases of Busch Light and whoever is new to the trip has to jump into the really cold water in that cave and we all get crazy sunburnt. It’s my favorite thing but this year I’m missing it due to work :'(

  112. larocquen +32

    You guys, this is so buried in Open Thread but I need to get this out so here goes:

    What other websites are even remotely like The Toast? I know that NO PLACE is like this, and that is why I am so profoundly depressed today. Here’s what I’m looking for and why:

    -A site that accepts writing from all kinds of people
    -A place populated by wonderful women
    -A place that respects and encourages writing about women’s issues/lives.

    I’ve wanted to write about miscarriage for a while now and I never got around to writing about it here. But as of this week, this is my second and I just… can’t I need to write and talk and be listened to/spoken to in a forum different from a personal blog or open thread.

    But.

    Huge props to Toastie Twitter on Wednesday. @elyseexplosion was there to prop me up with terribly wonderful Dad Jokes when I sent out a desperate plea for funny. Thank you, @elyseexplosion. You are wonderful.

    Added Bonus: Toast Post.
    I was matched with a Postie but they don’t answer (no judgement, man!) I’m wondering if anyone else missed the Post boat and would love to receive random rays of sunshine in their life. DM me on Twitter: @larocque_n

    Thanks guys.

    1. bread_and_roses +5

      I’m so, so sorry about your loss.

      I don’t know of any sites like the Toast, alas. But there is a Toastie TTC google group where several of us have gone through miscarriage, and you’d be welcome there.

    2. inkwashed +1

      I don’t know the answer but am replying so maybe I’ll be able to learn from the wisdom of our peers!

    3. caatness +1

      I am so sorry about your loss. *gentle hug*

      I am also heading over to DM you because I never got around to signing up and I would love to send people wonderfulness in the mail.

    4. CleverManka +4

      Oh, honey, what a heartbreak. I am so sorry.

      I am hoping that clevermanka.net can provide some of those things, although obviously not to the extent that The Toast did. I don’t think it’s the sort of place you’re looking for, though, since the focus is going to be on changing one’s life for the better and that…is probably not the place you’re in right now. I hope you find the place you need for your piece.

      1. larocquen +4

        Thanks.

        Not the place for that *but* I’ve been following your commentary about clevermanka.net and am all ready to read the sh*t out of it! Go you!

    5. shombalor +9

      Do you know about the Hairpin? It’s basically the precursor to the Toast, where Nicole and Mallory got their start. It’s been kind of dormant for awhile but it just started up again, and I really hope it absorbs a lot of the kinds of articles that are here. If I recall correctly they’ve had a few very good articles about miscarriages, I would encourage you to submit there.

      1. larocquen +2

        I do know about the Hairpin. But haven’t been over there in some time since it has been, as you say, dormant. Guess I need to take another look.

    6. amoderngirl +6

      I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. You might want to check out the website The Establishment. I’ve been following them for a while and I think they’re doing an excellent job.

    7. meat lord +2

      Aw, man. I’m sorry for your loss.

      The Establishment is a recently … established… feminist internet magazine that might be a suitable place to submit to. They don’t have a comments section, which is part very very good and part maybe-not-what-you’re-looking for?

  113. ru_ri +15

    Toasts! It has been a long time since I posted on an Open Thread. I have been traveling for a couple of months in the U.S., mainly the West Coast. In upcoming months I have this crazy trip planned that, gods willing and the visas go through, might actually happen. It includes about a month going through China, Mongolia, and Siberia, stopping for three or four days in different places along the way. So this is exciting but also terrifying! And certain of my male friends have made unhelpful comments about how I am likely to be assaulted etc. in these remote places. Seeking reassurance and/or advice from anyone who has traveled on the Trans-Siberian Railway that this will be a worthwhile, if challenging, trip!
    On other fronts, I am still trying to come to terms with the Imminent Demise of the Toast. My future online life looks bleak! Just want to express how much I value and enjoy everyone who contributes to this website. Y’all are fabulous and I will miss you.

    1. ladyimogen +6

      YES! I did the Trans-Siberian from Moscow to Baikal, then down through Mongolia, and then two months in China. It was all 100000% worth it. I also spent a summer working in Mongolia, and experienced exactly 0 harassment. In the two months in China, I got weird looks but was never once harassed (I was traveling with a man, but I didn’t feel unsafe while walking alone). What are the different places you are stopping? What season will you be there?
      One of the absolute best things we did in the entire trip was go out to Olkhon Island on Lake Baikal for a few days, and stayed at Nikita’s Guesthouse. We got the tip from some Frenchmen in our hostel in Irkutsk and it was just the most incredibly amazing thing.
      We also had a bit of “trouble” at the station in Moscow when waiting for the train- a drunk was trying to be helpful and take us to different ticket windows to find someone to tell us where to go, when two cops showed up. They shooed him away and escorted us to a waiting room where some missionaries translated, urged us to stay put, and assigned two 19 year olds to shepherd us to the train. We spent the hour waiting watching vaguely pornographic karaoke videos with our guides while they drank wine, and then were led specifically to our berths and sent safely on our way.
      I would be happy to answer any specific questions or to talk more! If you want to take it offline, my email is faye . c . willard at gmail.com (no spaces).

      1. ru_ri +3

        AAAAH Thank you!!!! This is so reassuring to hear.
        I’ll be going from Osaka to Shanghai by ferry at the end of July, then Beijing, then Datong to see the famous caves (tip of the hat to Mallory) then to Ulan Bator in early August. Then Ulan-Ude, Irkutsk, Krasnoyarsk, Novosibirsk, Moscow and points eastward.
        I was considering going to Nikita’s on Olkhon Island, so hearing your recommendation is great! I am only in Irkutsk for 3 nights but I figured I could go to Olkhon Island and spend a night.
        I am traveling alone, mainly third-class train, staying in hostels. I have much more time than money–but I figure the chance to do something like this comes once in a lifetime, so I’m just going to grab it with both hands.
        I really appreciate your reply–I have been really excited about my trip, but got kind of bummed out after talking to these guys. Thanks so much!

        1. ladyimogen +3

          Yessssssssss it will be so amazing! We did it in winter (spring by the time we made it to China) and I spent most of our train time in a camisole because it was SO HOT in there. Olkhon can be time consuming /tricky to get to but if you’re able to it is still my favorite place in Russia. We just went back to St. Petersburg, Moscow, and some of the Golden Ring towns this winter so I have more up to date info there!

    2. CleverManka +10

      A friend of mine spent nearly 6 months backpacking through all of SE Asia and made it through a particularly treacherous Himalayan mountain pass all by her woman self. She spoke frequently of the kindness of the people and the only people who ever gave her trouble were the other (white, male) backpackers she’s occasionally encounter.

      1. ru_ri +3

        Wow, your friend sounds like a BAMF! This makes me feel much better, thanks. My hope is to meet all situations with an open mind and an open heart, but do my best to hold my own if fucked with.

    3. Rillquiet +6

      Plan ahead for your vaccines, because some of the more esoteric ones that you definitely want if you’re going to be spending time in rural areas take several goes; you may need to look for a travel-focused clinic in your area, since most GPs don’t have enough call for typhoid and rabies vaccines to keep serum on hand. The CDC keeps a handy list of vaccines to get per country, though travel clinics usually have their own copy as well.

      I did a too-short trip to Beijing and Mongolia several years ago and loved them both. Thumbs up for Beijing Sideways, where the intrepid traveler can hop in a sidecar attached to a vintage Chinese copy of a Russian knockoff of a WWII German motorcycle and be rumbleroared about the city, learning many fine historical and architectural facts while praying intently in the face of six lanes of traffic. Likewise, huge ups for Stepperiders, who will arrange any sort of horseback jaunt in Mongolia you might want, from guided two-hour pony trek to purchase of own steed and maintenance of same. Have a fabulous time!

      1. ru_ri +3

        Great advice, thank you! I will book an appointment for a vaccine as soon as possible. And I will especially look into Stepperiders–just the kind of thing I was hoping to do in Mongolia.
        Cheers!

    4. rosemarybush +1

      I’ve done the train from Beijing to Ulanbataar, spent a couple weeks Mongolia and on a separate trip took the train from Novosibirsk to Irkutsk after a couple weeks in the Russian Altai mountains. I’ve also spent time in Moscow and St. Petersburg. I experienced some harrasment in Beijing, but none at all in Mongolia. And none at all on the trains. I loved Irkutsk, too. In Russia, I never had any personal problems, but have run into anti-American/xenophobic stuff. Just take basic, common sense precautions (be aware of surroundings and listen to your gut), and you should be fine.

      In the Russian parts of Siberia, women would come out and sell food to the people on the train whenever it stopped during the day, so be prepared with small bills, and you can eat like a queen: sausages, dumplings, fresh bread, pickles, pine nuts, and fresh veggies and fruits. In northern China and Mongolia, it was much more limited–only a couple stops had women selling diced fat and meat dumplings–so stocking up on food before leaving Beijing is what I’d recommend, especially of you want anything fresh like fruits. With the samovars on the train, you can bring cup-of-soup type things too, or tea or instant coffee. Of course, you can buy most of that on the train, but the prices can be steep and the selection slim.

      What a great trip you have! So exciting!!

      1. ru_ri +1

        Saw this late–sorry–but thank you for the heartening words and excellent advice! Indeed it will be a great trip and I am getting more and more excited as it gets closer.
        Off to get my visa for China tomorrow–once that goes through, I just need a transit visa through Belarus and I will be good to go.
        Thanks again and I’ll try to keep the Toast updated somehow!

    5. faintlymacabre

      Late, so I don’t know if you will see this, bit I lived in Irkutsk for a while, and did the Irkutsk to Moscow by train and loved it. Speaking Russian helped, but people tend to be kindly protective of women traveling alone (one train stewardess made a petulant army dude carry my bag for me!) and the one time traveling alone that I felt threatened (guy very much seemed to be following me) I took the advice given to me: I found an older lady and sat by her until the dude gave up and left. Older women tend to be respected in Russia. Enjoy! I loved traveling in Russia and Mongolia. Pick up some cashmere in Mongolia, if that’s something you would like!

  114. Battle_Swine +18

    Y’all, I’m in a Facebook commenting fight right now about the little boy who was killed by an alligator in Orlando. It’s my first FB fight because normally I get quietly upset/flabbergasted about things people say but choose not to engage, but I just COULD NOT with this rant about blaming the parents.

    1. FitzEmpress +9

      Alligators are VERY GOOD about hiding. If you’re not paying attention–and I’ve been on that beach a few times–you could just think it’s a patch of grass or a log. It’s very tragic.

      1. Battle_Swine +15

        I’m from Florida. I’ve gone swimming in lakes that have alligators, walked on prairie trails by alligators, lived/worked close to alligators. It is common. I could easily have been attacked by an alligator at some point in my life, and if I had, I would hope that people’s reaction would be something kinder than “Oh, well. She was stupid enough to swim in there. She deserved it.” I guess it’s been a long week and this was just the thing that set me OFF.

        1. FitzEmpress +12

          It’s, like, they’re from Nebraska! They don’t know any better, and even if they did, you don’t get a big flashing alert that a gator is coming! It’s so pointless to blame the people.

          1. Battle_Swine +12

            I AM STILL FIGHTING WITH HER AND THIS IS SUPER UNCHARACTERISTIC OF ME AND I CAN’T

            She’s probably going to unfriend me, and I almost hope she does.

    2. beaucoup1314 +14

      Yes, alligators are quite able to look like a wet log until a prey is noticed. Then they are incredibly fast. Any blame should be directed to the Disney people. I’d think they had a gator patrol in that part of the world.

      1. ann_surely +19

        That was something I hadn’t thought about until I saw a FB post saying it’s just like Disney to pretend their magic monument to consumerism is completely devoid of any dangers.

        A “no swimming” sign is hardly equivalent to an “alligators may be lurking” sign.

    3. caatness +13

      Alligators are incredibly fast, incredibly effective predators in their ideal environment. This is fully on Disney. I am livid. Those poor parents.

      And poor you!

      FB is a plague.

  115. inkwashed +8

    TOASTIES, it has been A Week.

    and I haven’t had a friday that was open-threadable so I have been commenting like a crazy person and have no regrets.

    I need energy-vibes; my apartment is a wreck filled with cat hair at the moment and I have 10000x things to do that are not housework. at least it’s iced tea season.

    also, does anyone have experience setting up an LLC in NY?

    ok, really, just posting to say: I love you all.

  116. caatness +12

    Hi Toast. Three things.

    1) Can LJ people put their info here (or somewhere)? I’ve joined Twitter and slack, but not sure how long I will honestly be able to maintain either. LJ feels like an outside option, but I like the static posting style and ability to form communities, etc.

    2) I am finding since the news of the Toast closing I find it hard to come here, but I know I will regret that if I do not make the most of the time that remains. Anyone else feeling this?

    3) The world has gone mad. Just so not okay with so much. I have been a fountain of tears. I am surprised our house is not Alice in Wonderland cartoon levels of filled with tears. In a weird complication, one of my bestest and dearest and Toastiest friends of just shy of two decades and I have had a major falling out specifically over the Orlando massacre. Details in reply because I feel weird and private about it but also need some Toast love and Toast wisdom.

    1. daisicles +3

      The Toast Connections spreadsheet has a column for Toasties’ lj names – I don’t have the link right at hand, but it’s floating around.

      I’m jessenigma26 at lj, jessenigma at Dreamwidth. I don’t use either super often, but I would be all for a comm there.

    2. caatness +2

      This friend is in Florida (not Orlando), so I was concerned for extended family or traveling friends, etc, in addition to just wanting to reach out and connect in a moment of horror and grief and disbelief. Her response took my really aback. It was front-loaded with anger and nothing else. She feels Islam is primarily responsible for Pulse, is angry at the Muslim lack of acceptable response to the tragedy (she was furious that some Muslims expressed fear over retaliation, when they should universally be taking responsibility and apologizing), and that gun control is a terrible solution and only feels safe when her wife carries her gun with them in public. I was kind of shocked and horrified because that doesn’t even sound like her. It sounds like Fox News propaganda from her wife who is, despite how much self-loathing nastiness it entails, a staunch Republican.

      I made a *very* poor choice and engaged with that, albeit as gently as possible. I acknowledged her anger and fear and shared my own perspective on how we could get out of the mess that makes tragedies like this not just possible but common.

      She responded with telling me she thought I was “so busy being a wife and mother” that I had no idea what was going on in the outside world or politically or socially, with some unflattering commentary about what I didn’t know or hadn’t researched about the situation. I was pretty floored. It hurt a lot, and I was pretty insulted given that my designation somewhere between mother and long-term partner is social justice warrior. She’s known me for nearly twenty years, so she was either being insulting on purpose or she really just has no fucks to give and isn’t paying attention. She also knows as a card-carrying queer who has been a bisexual leaning towards women and a member of the leather community since I was all of 19, that being reduced to that is ugly as it gets. She also knows I have been struggling with my identity as a stay at home mom, who happens to have partnered with a bio male, and the health issues that have sidelined my career and creative pursuits. She knows exactly how deep that would cut.

      I’m pretty sure, based on past circumstances, that there is a lot of unconscious resentment and anger over me choosing a monogamous partner, and a male partner at that, over just sailing through the queer community with bells on and being primarily emotionally available to her even though she is in a committed long-term closed relationship. She also is unable to have children and when I became pregnant the relationship with her took a huge hit in time and energy, and she really backed off. I have groveled and apologized and sucked up and bent over backwards to try and rebuild, because our relationship really is worth that to me and i had hope of regaining balance eventually. We’d settled into a place that wasn’t satisfying but was livable. I am thinking her insulting summary of my ignorance has everything to do with her resentment/jealousy, but i feel powerless to change that because I have made myself available and done everything possible to devote time to her and she is cagey and too busy and just forgets to get in touch about things and is nonchalant and noncommittal about making plans. But she remembered to text daily when a mutual friend of ours was staying with me a few weeks ago. She hasn’t acknowledged that her feelings about my life changes impact our relationship at all.

      And I have no idea how much this comes into play regarding discussing the actual issues themselves, but after her mic drop statement about my ignorance it’s hard to ignore that there’s some deep-seated stuff.

      Meanwhile, my ideal of a deep friendship includes being honest about stuff like, say, bigotry and insanity like arming people instead of making it harder to get guns. Friends educate each other, and inform each other, and call each other on their shit, and listen to each other to broaden their world. I would rather have a friend tell me I need to revisit some perspectives than anyone else. In the right time and place, and with love and humility and respect, but they do it.

      I should have just nodded and sent love and walked away and discussed it later, but I let my grief override my good sense. I messed up. Right idea, wrong timing? Right timing, wrong relationship? Wrong medium, right everything else?

      Now, I have no idea what to do. I honestly don’t feel like contacting her to make nice, because I am so angry and hurt at what she said about me and in terms of the tragedy. But do I wash my hands of it? That seems destructive in and of itself. Or is that just stupid of me, to believe in the core friendship being worth saving and possible to save when I don’t even know if she wants to do so? We have supported one another through major life shit, and celebrating some incredible stuff, and have a deep relationship that lasted longer than the distance, but I am having a hard time fighting my self-protective burn-it-down reaction.

      1. RoseCamelia +7

        What might a time apart, a time of silence between you, do for the situation? Would it help? Would it hurt?

        I’m sorry you’re struggling. I wish your friend had not hurt you. I think your instincts are correct in that your friend’s harsh judgment says more about her and nothing about you. You are good and kind.

        How can I help?

        1. caatness +6

          I think silence is the only option at the moment. I don’t know that I am ready to deal with a conversation that doesn’t begin with a sincere apology from her and a comprehensive acknowledgement of how things have been, which is unreasonable and ridiculous on my part. If she could even do the latter, I feel she already would have so we could fix it.

          Plus, I am having to face whether I want to maintain a friendship if, after time and cool-headedness prevails, she still maintains those opinions. I had planned to bring my daughter to her house in October for a trip I have already paid for, absolutely not knowing that she owned firearms or that her wife was carrying them in public. That’s not happening.

          I am deeply touched that you think I am good and kind. That’s a balm. You can help by continuing to be wonderful, and being such a thoughtful friend, who is so patient for my current state of Ridiculous Flailing. Thank you for asking.

          1. Ethylbenzene +4

            I don’t think a sincere apology and a desire to be honest is unreasonable. I don’t want to come across all therapist-y, but why do you think it’s unreasonable to expect someone who is close to you and cares about to apologize for hurting you?

          2. caatness +2

            I feel it’s unreasonable to feel unwilling or unable to enter into a conversation if those two items are not met. If i could come to the table simply ready to listen and understand and account for my own actions, I would feel differently, but I am too upset to be willing to do those things until I have received the apology/acknowledgement. Which feels very selfish and pushy and difficult, not to mention counterproductive.

            I *do* think an apology is reasonable and necessary to heal the breach, but until I am equally willing to truly listen and apologize for whatever ways in which I have created this, it feels disingenuous to wait around or insist on it. Does that make any sense or am I doing the girls-are-supposed-to-be-nice-and-not-need-stuff thing? Sometimes I cannot tell.

          3. Ethylbenzene +2

            I wonder if you’d feel more reasonable if you told her your expectations around this? I absolutely think that what she said was way, way out of line, first of all, and that she owes you a real apology for it, especially because it was designed to be as hurtful as possible. I think you might be feeling at a loss because you haven’t let her know a) how hurt you are about that incident, b) how sad you are that you’ve drifted apart, and c) let her know you need time and space and an apology.

            I recently wound up ending a friendship, and while I know that a lot of advice for cutting people off is about cutting your losses and quitting the things you were doing that caused so much pain, I found I couldn’t be at peace with the situation until I sent a last email stating (again) clearly what the issues were and what conditions would have to be met for us to get back in touch. It sounds a little like you’re in the same place I was — long term hurt, short term fight/crisis point, silence with no closure. I needed the closure that that email gave me, even though my friend never replied and may not even have read it. It felt like I could proceed with the cutoff, telling myself I had said my piece (peace?).

            I don’t know if that helps you or not but for sure I’ve been there and it is really hard breaking up with a friend. Take good care of yourself, whatever that means to you.

            I totally understand the “girls have to be nice” thing, too, which yeah was an aspect of my friend breakup, but wasn’t the key reason I kept trying to work on things.

      2. meat lord +1

        I’m so sorry. That’s really difficult and upsetting.

        “I’m pretty sure, based on past circumstances, that there is a lot of unconscious resentment and anger over me choosing a monogamous partner, and a male partner at that, over just sailing through the queer community with bells on and being primarily emotionally available to her even though she is in a committed long-term closed relationship.”

        I just had a friendship explode under similar circumstances. My friend (probably ex-friend, unless she decides to say otherwise) also resented me for shifting my primary emotional attention away from her, while not wanting to give me any of her limited time and attention.

        I have a great deal of sympathy for your situation and your dilemma. As the one that bent over backwards, it’s a hard place to be when the other person hurts you and shows no sign of bending in turn. You deserve to be treated well by your friends. My two cents, and I admit that I’m biased, is that you should follow your instincts, protect yourself, and burn it down.

    3. CleverManka +9

      I’m clevermanka on LJ but am going to be locking it up to friends-only after clevermanka.net goes live. So if you want to be friendsies there, you might wanna do that soon (tbh not much is gonna happen on LJ after July 5 except health tracking minutia and maybe the occasional rant).

      Anyone else feeling this?

    4. nopemobile +8

      2) THIS SO MUCH. I am leaning so hard on my coping strategy of Be The First To Disengage So It Doesn’t Hurt As Much but I won’t want to disengage, I want to make the most of this tiny slice of Alive Toast we have left 🙁 🙁 🙁

    5. shartbreaker +3

      I just wanted to say I’m really sorry about your friendship ending… I think others have been more eloquent than me, but I did want to say you are super nice and reasonable and if you were on tumblr, we should be friends!

  117. gcf +7

    Where am i?
    Pondering the legal penalties for pulling the fire alarm at my office.
    Wondering how much I’d be willing to pay neighboring brogrammer to pull it.
    In other news, need to update my LinkedIn to state that I’m a Lady Engineer.

  119. kitteninacoma +26

    Hi Toasties. I am new here. I am a refugee from another forum/discussion site which shall not be named! But which is so sexist, racism, and ableist, even with carefully curated subscriptions, that I couldn’t abide it any longer. I am a 30s bisexual vegan artist living in San Francisco Bay Area. Right now I am reading “Dialectic of Enlightenment” and I am really interested in learning about Enlightenment and Romantic thought. In my spare time I like to paint and fuck around on the internet. And I guess that serves as my introduction. = )

  120. perianwen +6

    I am going back to Ikea for more small storage boxes, in an effort to wrangle my stuff into something resembling order.

    Also I need a haircut, stat.

    But I could also use some reassurance that I wasn’t being totally stupid this week, more details in reply.

  121. LadyBertilak +1

    This is a bit late but is anybody else having a huge amount of trouble w/ the comments? Like, typing a line & having to wait for it to show up on the screen?

    1. LaxMom +2

      Every couple of weeks or so this happens to me. I have been unable to diagnose why, but sometimes logging out and logging back in helps.

      1. LadyBertilak +1

        Thank you so much! It seems to have fixed itself but I’ll remember that if it happens again

  122. LadyBertilak +8

    Sorry to post another thread but I’m curious: is dipping french fries in your frosty at Wendy’s a weird regional thing? Bc I’m from Ohio, & I a few of my friends from out of state have never even heard of it, while most of the people I know, if not liking it, at least /know/ about it. Thoughts?

      1. LadyBertilak +2

        I’m wondering if it isn’t on the East Coast then? Bc now that I think about it that’s where most the people who didn’t know about it were from

        1. therelativelyshittycook +3

          I’ve done it! I’m from Long Island. Yum. (To french fries and frosties, not Long Island.)

    2. hlmorris85 +3

      We do it in NC! I’d never heard about it until I got to college though, and I grew up in FL

      1. LadyBertilak +5

        Can I just say how much I love how you phrased it here” “Known activity” it feels like we’re in a crime procedreal tracking subtle patterns of supernatural shit or something I love it

      1. LadyBertilak +3

        That’s interesting too bc a conversation w/ my partner who is from California spurred this question, bc they mentioned they had never heard of it before having friends in the midwest & had assumed it was a weird midwestern thing like those drive through beer stores and combo pretzels

    7. irreverantontheinternet +3

      BF from upstate NY does it, I had never heard of it before and I’m from New England and mostly ate Wendy’s through Central and Eastern PA

      1. LadyBertilak +2

        /Interesting/ bc at least 2 of the people I’m thinking of were from New England specifically, so maybe that’s a least one component? Who knows tho

    8. lemonadefish +3

      It was a thing in Missouri (though we didn’t have a Wendy’s, so it was only when traveling).

      1. LadyBertilak +1

        My experience is kinda similar? Not bc we didn’t have a wendy’s but bc we only got frosties on “special occasions” as kids but I didn’t know if that was everybody or just a weird family specific thing

    9. sausagedog +4

      I do this at McDonald’s with fries and soft serve, or at any of the local custard joints. (I’m from WI.) It is the 100% best thing to do at a fast food place if you’re vegetarian, and people who don’t do it are missing out.

      1. LadyBertilak +2

        Not a vegetarian so it’s mostly just a self indulgent snack for me, but I can /definitely/ see that being true

    12. larocquen +2

      Totally a thing. Do it in Central Illinois and it has been confirmed by peers in Southeastern Wisconsin.

  123. leslieellenjones +39

    This is what is making me happy:

    I have loved this type of lamp for years but it was waaaay too expensive, and I finally found a decent knock-off and also was able to afford it (it’s still on the steep side for me). But it arrived yesterday and I am so, so, so happy.

      1. leslieellenjones +4

        I found myself just gazing at it in awe and wonder for about 5 minutes before I left for work this morning.

    5. leslieellenjones +3

      For those who need to spend $400 on the Lamp Of Their Dreams, I got it from SoftSurroundings.com. (The really fancy version from Restoration Hardware is like $1700. My computer didn’t cost that much.)

      1. catmanscrothers +1

        omg, that’s beautiful!

        Once I’m obnoxiously rich, I want to buy this lamp. It’s just so absolutely ridiculous and I love it so much

  124. tidepool +9

    I just found out Lois Duncan died! Sad news. Her books always felt vaguely scandalous to me, even though there wasn’t really anything adult in them. Except for murder.

    1. Aunty_M

      I was so sad about Lois Duncan too, especially since I didn’t know that sad story about her daughter until I read her obituary. I used to hide her books for fear my fundamentalist mother would decide they were satanic and take them away. Good times!

  125. kayjayoh_ +11

    Aw man. One of my favorite people to follow on Twitter made a tweet that, while definitely in bad taste and something that made me scowl when I read it, was super mild in the category of actual horrible tweets. Since then, she’s been dragged all over the internet (thanks, Wired), doxxed, fired from her job, and has had to take her account to private.

    Meanwhile, dudes are free to keep making rape and death threats without consequence.

    1. PierrePoutine +7

      Is it the one about the alligator and white entitlement? I’m not a fan of doxxing etc but that tweet was genuinely horrible.

      1. kayjayoh_ +5

        It was that tweet and it was pretty awful. It wasn’t death threats awful. It wasn’t lose your job over it awful.

        1. PierrePoutine +6

          NOTHING is death threat awful. Ever.
          I also think that tweet is a reminder that otherwise probably lovely people have the potential to make deeply cruel comments on the internet and we need to hold ourselves accountable to a higher standard. Mocking the grieving parents of a child killed in a horrible accident doesn’t subvert white entitlement.

    2. ofTrebond +4

      Yeah. She wasn’t someone I followed, but that whole thing makes me uncomfortable. A bunch of people who I do follow were really going on over the course of days about how terrible it was/she is. I definitely thought it was a indefensibly terrible take, intended as ironic or not, but there are so many people on twitter who say at least as violent and horrible things directly to the people involved. Which, like, I don’t want to tell anyone that they can never deal with something if there is something worse out there, but when everyone has to have their say, it adds up to a lot of commentary on my feed.

      And it makes me even more nervous about posting things online that haven’t been long-considered, edited, contextualized, etc. There have certainly been things I’ve written in texts or whatever that have been taken really differently from how I meant them in my head, and maybe just not having my real name attached to my toastie twitter account and never posting pictures of myself isn’t enough to be safe.

      1. kayjayoh_ +3

        It really in particularly makes me uncomfortable about the way some have been using it as an excuse to shut up an annoying bitch.

    3. mike_b

      She definitely shouldn’t have been fired.

      I don’t understand why she kept insisting that she was right though.

    4. iosognodisonno +5

      Yeah, I’ve always appreciated her tweets (other than those that caused the problems yesterday). She has a lot of knowledge I don’t and smart opinions I appreciate hearing.

      I wasn’t a fan of the convo yesterday, but just clicked away and moved onto other things and was disappointed to learn that it had turned into this huge shaming, threatening thing that drove her off Twitter and had big life consequences.

  126. robotneedslove +13

    So Toasticles, my husband and I were having a minor domestic disagreement recently, and in the process he told me that sometimes I do things like talk over him, or wear headphones when he wants to talk to me, or interrupt or correct him in public.

    First, there are horrifying things to be told about yourself, and obviously I am interested in correcting them.

    Second, he was like “it’s not a big deal, and it’s subtle, and it doesn’t usually bother me. But sometimes, yes, you are a bit rude and dismissive. It’s like how some men act: entitled to space and being listened to, etc, to the exclusion of others” And a little part of me was like SWAG yes that is what I have been working for. (but I should not be a jerk to my husband, for sure)

    1. iiiiimnotsorryy +11

      “wear headphones when he wants to talk to me”

      uh maybe I’ve been living alone too long but I would be livid if someone genuinely thought I was supposed to take off my headphones every time they felt like talking to me. That’s like half the reason to wear headphones! I don’t want to talk to you!

    2. Bent_fork +5

      It’s so hard to get a read on what’s actually happening since men’s perception is so distorted:
      https://twitter.com/marcyjcook/status/73643189218…

      I mean, you could be doing it and it could be something he doesn’t do to you. Which, yes, then try to be aware of it. But it could also be something you both do, and something he does to other men and other men do to him, but he only notices and interprets as rude or dismissive when you do it. Kinda like when a man and a woman both say or do the exact same thing, and he’s confident and assertive, she’s abrasive and aggressive.

    3. Annie

      Uh, that’s all completely normal stuff that people do to each other when they live together because humans are not psychic. Does he expect you to magically know when he wants to talk to you and take your headphones off before he lets you know he wants to talk? Does he honestly think he should go through life not being interrupted (I promise this is not true and has never been true for anyone throughout history)? Does he think that he has never interrupted you, ignored you when you wanted to talk, been dismissive of your concerns? LOL

      This is not you being a jerk. This is him trying to guilt trip you for doing totally normal human things. It seems really, really entitled on his part. Yes, it’s annoying when people aren’t immediately available when you want them, or when you get interrupted, etc. So? Adults get over this kind of stuff. It’s not even worth talking about unless it happens really, really often.

      Also, it sounds like he was using this ‘complaint’ to derail an argument – that’s a really, really crappy thing to do. It turns the subject from whatever you were disagreeing about into ‘but what about my feelings’ and is something kids do when they aren’t getting their way.

      TL;DR I would pay not one whit of attention to this because 1) You are not required to be a perfectly attentive wife-bot, and 2) This is him whining to avoid whatever issue you were talking about.

  127. Catterific +5

    Ugh. I am having feelings about the profile of Sarah Gertrude Shapiro (the UnReal showrunner) in the New Yorker. I couldn’t even read the whole thing. I love UnReal, and find Rachel (the main character) hugely likable and sympathetic.

    But of course the showrunner–who comes off as unbearable, and boundaryless and impulsive and sexually assaulting and self-absorbed and terrible–has to be bisexual. And/or of course the story has to emphasize her bisexuality, in a way that seems to paint it as of a piece with this larger set of unpleasant traits. Ugh. Like there isn’t enough biphobia in the world, along those same lines, to begin with. I don’t know if she’s actually like that and is Making The Rest of Us Look Bad. Or if its just that the story felt the need to portray her as some kind of Manic Pixie Nightmare Girl.

    But I’m not happy about it.

  128. Catterific +1

    Ugh. I am having feelings about the profile of Sarah Gertrude Shapiro (the UnReal showrunner) in the New Yorker. I couldn’t even read the whole thing. I love UnReal, and find Rachel (the main character) hugely likable and sympathetic.

  129. blueathena623 +12

    Are we going to get one last “hey ladies?” How much money would be needed to make that happen?

  130. PettyVengeanceFetish +8

    It has been a long week but it’s nearly over which I am grateful for. My grandmother on my mums side passed away on monday, she had dementia and she was not in a very good way at all. I’m sad, but it’s the kind of sad I know I’ll be ok at the end of.

    But my dad, who has been divorced from my mum for 14 years, is adamant he should go to the funeral. He’s only going to see my mum because he’s adamant that divorce means nothing because they’re both catholic so marriage is forever. He’s also massively insensitive and shit and it’s always my job to reign him in and be his minder. He bought me a suit this week which was nice but he wouldn’t stop being petty about the fact I weigh less than he does for the first time since I was 15. I just want to go to the funeral and then go home and not deal with my mums side of the family and not be stuck there because my dad refuses to accept his marriage is over and that he’s gross.

    Does anyone have any advice for getting through these kinds of situations?

    1. sneepsnake +9

      First of all, you are grieving for your grandmother and you need to make sure to take care of yourself. I can tell you from very recent experience (my 94-year-old grandfather with dementia just died in February) that even though we all knew it was coming, even though he was a shell of my beloved grandfather by that point, even though we had effectively said goodbye to him years earlier, it still hurt. Whatever you are feeling at this moment is 100% legitimate and you have the right to look after yourself without apologizing to anyone.

      Second of all, you are not responsible for your father’s behavior. He’s a grown-ass adult who makes his own decisions. If you feel up to dealing with his shit in order to spare your mum some headaches that’s commendable BUT NOT REQUIRED.

      Third of all, depending on where you are/where the funeral is being held, you/your mum may be able to bar your father from attending. If it’s on private property (like a funeral home), a discreet word to the owner (or whoever you’re working with there) will do the trick. And then let your father know he’s not welcome and that he will be thrown out/arrested for trespassing if he tries to attend.

      If there’s no way to bar your dad, are there any people who will be there who could take over the minder duties? Like older friends in your mum’s generation who might know your dad but are sympathetic to your mum and could be trusted to keep him in check? That might be the easiest route.

      Maybe I’m reading too much into your brief summary, but it sounds to me like your dad is not a very nice human being, and maybe you should consider going low/no contact with him? The shit about marriage being forever, and criticizing/commenting on your weight, are not things anyone needs in their life on a regular basis.

      1. PettyVengeanceFetish +2

        You’re not reading too much into it, he is not a very nice human being at all. The funerals being held in a church and my mum and older sisters policy has always been ‘why bother trying to stop him?’ which i get and i understand but at the same time someone has to do something before he harasses or hurts someone.

        Literally no one on that side likes him and it’s family only, so it’s just my aunts/uncles/cousins who will be mourning their mother/grandmother so it doesn’t seem fair to foist it onto them.

        Thank you for taking your time to write everything out, I’ll do my best to look after myself

        1. lbolesta +3

          Even though it’s family-only, can you recruit a friend to help you? Even if they’re not able to keep him out of the event or from bothering your mom, they could at least keep him from bothering you.

          1. Genevieve

            Agree with that! As someone who has an insensitive and self-involved father, it is very difficult to deal with that in the midst of dealing with loss. If a friend or two could try to keep him in conversation, and be buffers, it would be a great to you. If you have any friends who’ve asked “is there something I can do to help?” who would be good at this, they’re the ones to ask. If not, but there are friends who would do it if asked, it’d be really helpful to you.

      1. Es_Petal +1

        Yes, someone on the slack channel posted to say they were getting ‘this comment has been deleted by a moderator’ so I was checking to see if it was a glitch for everyone!

  132. gloriana232 +2

    Friends! I am late as I have been in Halifax and had ADVENTURES, including with a fellow Toastie, and dipping into and falling into the Atlantic Ocean (from a beach shore, don’t worry). It is very cold, I am reluctant to report.

    I will be in Montreal as well over Canada Day so I don’t know how I’ll get into the OT on time, but I’ll try my darndest, and I am Determined to share my contact info before the end. Please follow me on Twitter (@gyip) or if you ever come to Toronto, email me gyip (at) hotmail (dot) com and we should hang out! There’s also a Toronto Toastie Facebook group that I try to check.

  133. KimicalBurn +1

    Hi everyone! It’s my first time posting, and I’m sorry to be posting this so late.

    I’m a relative newcomer to the Toast, and have been loving it for the past couple of weeks. I was dismayed to learn that it will be shutting down soon. Just as I got hooked on everything too!

    I keep hearing mention of a Toastie Slack thread, and I would like to join. However, it looks like I need an invite. Would someone affiliated with the channel please invite me? My email is bykimthompson (at) gmail (dot) com.

    1. philifox +1

      Hi! You need to email ppyajunebug [at] gmail [dot] com and you’ll receive an invite to the channel 🙂

  134. Trixr

    I think if pretty much all of your non-fucking communication is via text, then calling it off via text is fine too. Then there's the time factor – how frequent are the (fucking or non-) get-togethers and how long has this been going on for, and do you actually live near each other. Email can give a touch of formality – I'd probably do this if it's been going on for lots of weeks/months, but we don't get together between times.

    If you hang out on a regular basis in person between fucking times, then a phone call at least is nice. More than that – i.e. a "relationship" – means at least dropping by and dropping the news. One of my exes asked me if she could come by after work one day – so I kind of knew it was coming, but it wasn't like making a "date to dump". We'd been together a few years, but only actually seeing each other on a weekly basis for one-on-one time, and a few times a month for general hang-outs.

  135. Trixr

    Not a dad and not a golfer, but I had that surgery after increasing agony due to walking around with an (undiagnosed) torn meniscus for over 5 years. I walked out of the goddamned hospital that afternoon, spent the weekend popping a few paracetamol/codeine, and it's been mostly great ever since. It was getting to the point where I couldn't even walk a few hundred metres with a couple of shopping bags. I love technology.