PROMISE ME you’ll remember to read “How To Tell If You Are In A Maeve Binchy Novel” at one!
Now, tell Eliza all about it.
Monday Open Thread!
PROMISE ME you’ll remember to read “How To Tell If You Are In A Maeve Binchy Novel” at one!
Now, tell Eliza all about it.
Dear Eliza, the Burgomaster and I finally (FINALLY) got a chance to watch MMXL this weekend. Seeing it before I got my uterus removed was a priority and huzzah I can now mark that pre-surgery to-do item off my list. It was glorious. Even better than I expected. Just…astoundingly good. Some of the best, realest dialogue I think I’ve ever seen in a movie, along with good portrayals of healthy male friendships, appreciation of all sizes, shapes, and colors of women, and just…oh, so good. You really need to see it, Eliza, if you haven’t already.
My pre-ordered dvd comes in 2 weeks!
YAY finally!!!
I hope your surgery goes well, and they do not discover you have become accidentally pregnant by watching MMXXL without protection 😀
That was an even better gif than I could have hoped for.
It’s an incredible movie and I will never tire of it.
Yeah I might need to own this one.
Oh my gosh, I watched it Saturday night and it was flawless. Dudes being honestly supportive and caring about each other! Women being catered to! The female gaze! Mr Ipo was rather put off by it but that’s because he came to it halfway through and the Spare was up from 10pm until 3am so we watched it with a toddler.
So happy you enjoyed it, too!
Heh, the dialogue. I think I’m pretty good at English (jinx! This guarantees that I will make a very obvious grammar mistake in this post) but the dudely jargon of the stripper boys was almost undecipherable at times. I mean, I’ve moved way beyond the stiff Queen’s English I was taught in school because my teachers were old dinosaurs and what even is American cultural hegemony do you mean to suggest that America has culture, but my ever deepening knowledge of modern leftish internet slang did NOT save me here.
the dudely jargon of the stripper boys was almost undecipherable at times
Sorry you had a bad time of it, but that’s why I found the dialogue so believable. That’s how a lot of people I know (including me!) talk among our nearest and dearest.
Hey guys. The plays over, but I’m not too sad. Auditions are tomorrow and I’m going to try to actually act. If not, I’m going to make the most kickass costumes ever. My girlfriend had her dance showcase at the same time as the play so I missed that. Trying not to feel like a bad girlfriend. Her parents came all the way from South Carolina to see her. They are not a fan of us being together, so I stayed in my room with my electric blanket.
Saturday night some friends and I went to Wendy’s at midnight and came back to see a gorgeous wedding ending outside our dining hall. I love the fact that my school is so beautiful that we have weddings where I eat lunch every day. Even if it means eating in the student center on the weekends.
I’ve dealt with the news with the Chernow Hamilton, Sarah Vowell’s Lafayette book, and an adult coloring book. I’ve been so stressed recently with finals creeping up, I’ve been trying to take more me time.
Saturday I went on a excursion to a Jewish Temple service for our Summit program. It was wonderful, a lot less formal than the Catholic services I’m so used to. The other people on the trip seemed to sensationalize and romanticize it. There’s a difference between learning about a culture and taking panoramas of a service. It makes me so upset, but I’m too afraid of being rude to say anything.
This is a major problem. Somebody brought an open bottle of peach vodka into the common room where my friends and I spend the majority of our time. I was too afraid of anyone not liking me to tell anyone.
Any tips on how an INFJ can attain a “devil may care” attitude?
I’ll leave you with a quote from my friend nicolette:
“There are some works that make you feel bad you could never write anything as good. Then there’s Hamilton. Hamilton makes you feel glad you can’t write it because the world couldn’t handle another one.”
Hey, I think I might be an INFJ. I’ve found a certain amount of balance, but I don’t know much about you! What is it you are trying to say with the peach vodka story?
I’m TERRIFIED of being rude to anyone. I can’t deal with anyone not liking me. Even if I know it’s the right thing to do, I won’t do if it means angering others.
I think that is more about getting older and more confident and cantankerous than about your lettery personality type. As you grow into yourself, you generally become more at one with who you are and stop censoring or altering yourself for other people’s benefit.
The first time you’re really eliberately rude to someone and the sky doesn’t fall in is massively liberating.
Something that helped me chill out as a raised-Catholic college student: realizing what should actually freak me out when it comes to rules. Is anyone being hurt? Am I being hurt? No? Then I’m not going to worry about it.
Once you realize nothing is concrete and everything is subjective, you’re freer.
But some objective advice? You do you. Do what makes you comfortable and what you think is right.
Same, although I wasn’t Catholic, just highly strung!
It’s also important to remember (and I needed to, too, when I first arrived in college, although there alcohol suddenly WAS legal) that having booze when you’re under 21 is illegal in the US, but that doesn’t make it morally wrong, especially if you are, say, drinking fairly responsibly in your dorm and not in public/when you might have to get yourself somewhere/when you’re wrecking anything. Drunkenness is not immoral either, although it can make the person a bit dull (or fighty or mean, but that’s another thing altogether).
I know this is a debatable opinion for a lot of people, but I really don’t think you need to worry about the morality of it, even if it takes some time getting used to. Plus! Unless I am vastly wrong in my idea of the US college program, you’re not supposed to have alcohol, but you are also not expected to report anyway– you’re not an RA and you have no official responsibility, and I absolutely advise not saying anything.
Sidenote: You are 100% allowed to ban it from your own room, but all you have to say is “hey, sorry, we’re pretty worried about getting into trouble– would you mind leaving your vodka in your room?” and people will be fine with that unless they’re AWFUL. But a common room is a common room.
That’s a very good point – it not being what you want to do to have fun doesn’t mean it’s terrible if your friends do want to. I get a lot of stick for not drinking (I realised I prefer being sober in my second year of university) from people who assume I am judgemental because they want to or that I violently disapprove, and I do know some very smug teetotallers.
My best advice on attaining a devil-may-care attitude is pretty much just drink/smoke until life seems easier, but…well, that’s not helpful in your particular case. Apologies. Good luck, bb. I’ll be here to offer recommendations when you’re 21.
I am 18 now, but smoking is not my jam. Or my school’s jam.
But thanks for the advice anyway. You guys are the best and the Toast is #squadgoals.
On the thing where people acted more like tourists than visitors at a religious thing– yeah, it might be appropriate to say something. Or, if there’s an opportunity– a class, a club, someone who meets y’all as you show up, ask instead. “I just wanted to clarify, what’s considered appropriate here?” etc. Because it’s potentially disrespectful/hurtful.
On the vodka thing? I’m not entirely sure why you would tell someone. There are some situations in which I would have called official attention to alcohol use– if someone was doing something that threatened their own safety (ie- once you got to the point where you were throwing up in the bathroom, someone generally got told), or if it was something that threatened the group as a whole (ie- if someone brought alcohol to a dry party, the dorm as a whole could get in trouble– it would affect our ability to have other gatherings). Otherwise? I just sort of assumed it was their business.
Now, part of this was that for 3.5 out of the 4 years, I was lucky enough to not live with assholes. Like, whenever people had alcohol in common areas around me, it was always done in a way that didn’t put me in a bad place– those people never got drunk, they never behaved poorly, they always put the alcohol in a nalgene or whatever. So it was always a situation where if someone had walked in, no one would have EXPECTED me to report it.
*shrug*
It’s the first time I’ve ever encountered any drunkenness, and they weren’t rowdy or anything, it just tripped my Catholic guilt.
It could be worse. My school is still the best in the world.
If you aren’t comfortable with common-room booze, it’s totally fine to ask them to get drunk someplace else. Bringing booze in public like that means everybody in the room could get blamed, and if nothing else, you shouldn’t be held responsible for drinks you aren’t drinking. If they can find vodka while underage, they can find a less incriminating place to get wasted.
As far as a devil-may-care attitude, my mantra is this: Not my problem. I can’t control the weather. I can’t make her decisions for her. Etc.
Oh my dear one, as an INFJ at 31, I can tell you that a devil may care attitude has never been attainable for me. You will learn with time that some things are less important than you think. Thus far, that’s been about as good as it gets.
And I wish people got to be less assholish with time. Some do, others don’t, and some who were never jerks become assholes and you wonder how the fuck that happened.
for a devil may care attitude, I try and look at things that are bothering me thusly:
1. Is it bugging me enough to say something? (the answer is usually no).
2. If yes, then I have to say something.
3. If no because saying something is terrifying, then I am not allowed to be upset about it. If I am not willing to do anything to change the situation, I am not allowed to be upset.
3a. But actually it’s kind of-WOULD YOU RATHER GO SAY SOMETHING? NO? THEN IT’S FINE
3b. UGH.
3c. Ok fine I can deal with this and I am going to focus on something else instead.
Other alternatives include getting the people who are less terrified of speaking up around me to speak up IF they are bothered by the same thing, or just doing a full scale retreat and regroup.
Fellow INFJ here. Annnnd, you can’t. It’s not in us. It’s… look, I’m an Old, but I am stilllll in the process of growing into my own intensity and idealism. You’ll never be an SP or an NP, however much simpler or more fun that looks. They have their shit as well.
The reality is, not everyone is ever going to agree with you or like you, so you might as well stick up for your ideals and personal rules. However, sometimes, and I know this is hard to believe, sometimes you’re wrong. Sometimes what seems absolutely correct on paper or for you is anathema to someone else. You can only know your story, and yourself, and your particular journey. It’s easy to judge without realizing a) you don’t have all the facts and b) even if you do, it’s none of your business and not everyone needs to be helped/rescued/corrected. Not everyone has the same ideals, and that’s totally fine.
Bottom line, embrace being you. You will get more out of being liked for being your authentic self when you are clear enough about who that is to also be disliked for the same thing. In the long run, stuff passes people by and they don’t care about things nearly as much as you think they will or as much as you do. Care about what you care about, and measure acting on it and speaking out based on how important it is to you and how relevant it feels to your ability to have your best life. People will push back, and sometimes you’ll get outvoted, and you’ll still be just fine. Learning when to roll with it and when to point out the line is individual, and comes with practice and self-knowledge.
Cat thread? Cat thread. I tried to post this on Friday, but it had an error, and then everything hit the fan at work before I could fix it. This is my cat hiding under the bed from the cat sitter. Her hiding skills leave something to be desired:
Where’s kitty? What happened to her? Where’d she go??
I’m always up for cat thread. Here is Julie(Pie) Andrews The Cat with her freshly brushed belly. Excuse the blurry aspect, I have shaky hands today.
New favorite cat
She looks so blissed out. And I love the upper paw–it’s very “ladies who lunch spa day.”
This is her on a better day, in the woods during our annual 2-week vacation at my family’s cottage in the woods. Her first deer stalking! She is an elderly city cat, so this was big stuff!
ETA: No deer were harmed in the making of this photograph. My cat is a giant wimp, and this is as close as she got.
This is why I am typing one-handed. For 45 minutes now.
I weeded a bunch of my personal books in anticipation of moving in a few of weeks, and fat kitten thought the discards made a great bed.
And then yesterday boyfriend and I took my tiny cousins (5 and 3 years old) to the Santa Claus Parade here in Toronto and guys, it was so tiring that we had to have naps when we got home. Here is boyfriend napping with handsome cat.
If your cat wants hiding lessons, my cat could give her some! Sometimes she hides so well and for so long that I think she has somehow escaped and end up scouring the apartment until I find her. (She charges one can of tuna per day, which I figure is pretty reasonable.)
Speaking of talented hiders, last night, this was my facebook status. “Just thought I’d lost the cat. She (the white and orange one) was sitting in plain sight next to a clear glass door, in front of a black bag, on a blue carpet. I walked past her three times and looked inside the black bag without seeing her. I swear she phases into the world without shrimp and back again.”
Maybe she is in fact going to the world of nothing but shrimp, it seems more catlike of her.
I am not sure she’d ever come back if that’s where she were going. I am hoping she is going to the world without and being disappointed so coming home.
So so soft and fluffy…
so the cat and cucumber gifs finally appeared in our networks this weekend leading to demands for an experiment with our cat. our cat is cool like a cucumber* and was completely unfazed by it
* i was so proud of myself when i first made this joke, and grew increasingly proud with each retelling until i realised the entire internet beat me to it
I had a couple of people over on Saturday. 2 of them have cat sat before, and one had never met furball. As soon as the guy who had never met cat came in, she ran over to him. The next 15 minutes were over the top cat flirting. Head butting, purring, rolling on her back. Miss Adele is many things,standoffish is clearly not one.
Kit being tiny and fluffy and majestic in the window.
Ella (tuxedo) and Pepper (big giant tabby) being lazy and nappy and squishing my furniture/pillows.
Pye was sitting on my chest yesterday.
Janie catloafing while watching me bake some bread.
Pye really likes the water from my glass.
Here is Miss Elinor Gesundheit (and, hidden in her mouth, her Tongue of Doom), who I brought home from the shelter 5 years ago today:
A most elegant fluffball!
Happy cativersary!
It’s raining and it’s Monday and the whole world is terrible but IT’S MY BIRTHDAY and I’m gonna have a great one, so there.
A Very Happy Birthday.
Isn’t it always raining in the north bits on your birthday though, because you chose to be born in November?
Not always! Often it’s very nice out. Occasionally there’s been snow, but mostly when I was younger. It usually is pretty chilly, though; I went to college in Atlanta and felt very odd the first time I wore a tank top outdoors on my birthday.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FAVORITE LOGIC PANTS
Hooray!!!! Happy birthday to youuuuuu!
Happy birthday! Mine was last week an it always rains then as well.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM ONE SCOTTIE TO ANOTHER!!!
wishing you lots of love and patriarchy smashing.
Happy birthdaaayyy!
Happy birthday!!!
Today’s mine, too! And RuPaul’s. And also John Boehner’s. Mixed bag. Happy birthday!
**pinky promises**
Anyone else used walking-away-from-the-internet-except-to-watch-the-new-John-Mulaney-Netflix-special as their coping mechanism this weekend?
Yes, me! And I was one of the people who last week was like “meh, what do you guys see in John Mulaney, I don’t get it,” but now I get it. I got it enough to watch twice yesterday.
I watched the new special while waiting for boyfriend to get home, and then we watched the old one together, and then we watched the new one again. It was… the perfect way to spend 3 hours.
I’m glad to hear this, because so far with what I’ve seen I have totally not gotten John Mulaney (aside from the one bit about What’s New Pussycat, obvs.) but I’m ready to be impressed with the new special.
I watched it twice, and it did help! I postponed my review because it felt weird to write about goofy-ass jokes today, but what I loved about it is that he took SUCH hoary topics, a la buying the cow, kids-today, etc., and brought warmth and sweetness and hilarity to them. The whole buying the cow part, I was laughing and enjoying it and waiting to feel like UGH WOMEN WANNA GET MARRRRRIED and I never did! And I think it is because a of all he is FUNNY and b of all it was him and not THE WORLD and I loved it.
I LOOOOOVED the buy-the-cow thing. I’d been to one of his stand-up shows this year so most of the material was familiar to me, and I feel like I remember snatches of that segment, but I was thoroughly delighted again.
I watched both his specials. And related hard to his blackout drunk stories from the first one.
I am a sucker for storytelling comedy.
Yup AND Master Of None. I was barely on the internet this weekend and I feel great about it.
This past weekend fellow Toastie elsajeni and her husband both lifted in the 2015 Longhorn Open in Austin, TX. They did extremely well, setting personal records on all three lifts (in fact, they set them with their opening attempts, and then just kept improving upon them with each subsequent lift). They placed and went home with some nice beer glasses (the meet gave those intead of medals). Good job, y’all!
I should add: this was a powerlifting meet, so they did 3 each of squat, bench press, and deadlift. It was great!!
Hooray to Elsajeni and her husband, and hooray to you too for sharing. Were you their meet coach or were you a competitor or..??
I was their meet coach, but they required very little coaching – they just showed up and executed on the plan like a pair of bosses!
I’ve been rehabbing the same shoulder injury that kept me out of raw nationals so I have a while yet before I compete again. Maybe in the spring.
Aw, thanks Dave! I DID do awesome and I am not above posting the smug flexing photo I made my husband take:
(In the matching photos I took of him he is visibly half-asleep. It was a LONG DAY.)
Congratulations to you both!
Super amazing – good job, you guys!
Dump Trump, or Tronald Dump, is coming to Knoxville where I live and will be at the convention center nearby my house and there is a latin@protest scheduled! What kind of sign should I bring and should I bring food?
Down With This Sort Of Thing is always good.
Careful Now!
I love this show so unreasonably much.
IDK what the local etiquette for protest food is, but I suspect bringing a pack of bottled water would always be welcome.
He’s coming to Knoxville? Ugh. I mean, I don’t know why I was at all surprised, seeing as how I live in east Tennessee and am well aware of how many supporters he has in these parts, but I still was a bit.
No suggestions but my endless sympathies and good wishes for the protest.
Guys. GUYS.
I saw a bear yesterday. My first bear.
At first I thought it was a very large black dog. (Spoiler.) It was not a dog.
My initial reaction was ‘Darn I wish it hadn’t lolloped away so quickly. I want to get a closer look.’ I do not react to things as I should.
We saw a bear a few weeks ago in the Adirondacks! It was not very big but I was scared because we were driving along a dark road and it suddenly APPEARED on the shoulder like a PHANTOM. What I’m trying to say is, use your high-beams.
The only bear I have ever seen appeared in just such a manner! But it was in the CENTER OF THE ROAD. My friend and I did at first think it was a large dog.
Are you regretting the lolloping away so quickly? I usually avoid “shoulds” in my life, but lollopping away from a bear does seem like a reasonable “should.”
And then the big brown bear went LOLLOPING over the mountain. Is lolloping an exclusively ursine activity?
Also, WHY ARE THEY EVEN HERE ITS THE MIDDLE OF NOVEMBER THEY SHOULD BE ASLEEP.
I think dogs are allowed to lollop too, provided they are big dogs.
I have no more thumbs up to give this comment and that makes me sad. Any time that the subject of bears comes up in my family someone in the background is guaranteed to start saying “And then the big brown bear went LOLLOPING over the mountain.”
Every. Damn. Time.
Hello family member that I did not know I lost.
*winks*
I’m the cool younger cousin who is always relegated to the kids table, in case you were wondering.
I see a bear every day when I look in the mirror. Different kind of bear though.
Congrats on spotting your first bear! Where I live we have bears pretty much on the regular but encounters (for me) never get old. A little bit of wildness is good for the soul. ❤️
I was massively overexcited when I saw my first wild bear (in Yosemite).
No, no, that is a perfectly good reaction. It is more fun and enlightening to watch bears as they amble about doing bear things than it is to watch bears running away.
When I was a kid we were taking a cable car to the top of some mountain in New Hampshire (at first I typed Hampshit, TOO ACCURATE) and we saw two baby bears playing together on a log and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever seen.
Bears are great! A few years ago one of my colleagues was studying bears and he needed a hand in the field. He had trapped a cub so he had to tranquilize the mom and the cub and I got to help with the tagging and a cursory exam of both. And then I got to watch the cub come out of tranquilization which was like watching it get drunk in reverse. That was a great day.
There was once a bear in my backyard and it started playing with one of my dog’s toys and the dog was PISSED. She just kept on barking and trying to get us to let her out so she could fight the bear. She was a mid sized black dog so also probably thought the bear was a very large black dog, and she wanted her soccer ball back from that other mean giant dog.
My personal feeling is that you reacted to this EXACTLY as you should. Do not mess with bears. This is something my grandmother told me once, and I have found it to be excellent advice. I mean, you might NOT get mauled by a black bear, but then again, you might.
I was out walking the neighborhood with Mr Blue a couple of years ago, and saw a MASSIVE black bear chilling at the neighbor’s front stoop. Seriously, right in front of the door, as if waiting to give them a copy of “The Watchtower.”
“Good day Ma’am, do you have time to hear about the gospel of Salmon?”
Always!!
Neither does my extended family. When we heard there was a bear in the vicinity at one of our family reunions, about 20 of us trooped out to go look at it (not the most brilliant idea). While we were searching, bear had gotten between us and the cabin. We came back and watched the bear wander around near one of the cabin doors, and my grandma, in her 80s with somewhat poor eyesight and hearing, came out of that particular cabin. We all started yelling at grandma to go back inside as there was a bear, and she gets excited and says “oh, a bear, where?” and starts walking towards it. It appears we got our misguided curiosity from grandma. Luckily, youngish bear was in no mood to mess with grandma and wandered away to another camp. Some of our people started to follow again–turns out the other camp had a dog. Bear freaks out and does a full sprint back past our group. You should have seen the people scatter out of the way like dominoes. In the end, everyone, including bear, survived the encounter unscathed.
MY PEOPLE
If it was a dog-sized bear, does this mean it was a baby???? *dies*
See, this is why I don’t understand people who are afraid of Australia. Yeah, yeah, go swimming, there miiiiiiiiiight be a shark YOU GUYS HAVE BEARS AND THEY COME INTO YOUR YARD AND EAT YOU IN YOUR TENTS WHAT THE FUCK.
We saw a SHARK the other day! It was so exciting! We followed it up and down the coast for a bit (we were not in the water, too cold still) – we think it was trapped in the reef as the tide went out. On further research I narrowed it down to either a gummy or port jackson shark, because of the double dorsal fins – they are both harmless bottom feeders, and very important to the ecosystem.
And then last night we went for a beach walk and saw an adolescent one, dead, I think it got caught as the tide went out, too because there were no marks on it (sometimes we find little baby ones with chunks out of them, which is… disconcerting). It was maybe 1m long and BEAUTIFUL and it was a Port Jackson shark because it had these cool mouth grinder things instead of teeth. http://2011.underwaterfestival.org/content/upload…
SO COOL.
Also the other day we saw a pod of dolphins, including a baby dolphin leaping against the sunset but I don’t care about that as much because dolphins are jerks.
I started running my experiment today. So far, only 1 person (out of 3) has not shown up and not notified me! I expect the ratio of no-shows to increase dramatically, though. Monday morning signer-uppers are more dedicated than the average undergraduate population, I think.
So hopefully I will get enough participants in the next two weeks to have some real stuff to say in my paper, and then that will hopefully be good enough for pilot data, and then hopefully I will write all the grants and get all the money and be able to go to Argentina in two years.
BUT ANYWAY – as I said on twitter, I am now officially doing science. (I’m a scientist, wheeeeeeee!)
Science high-five!
Been waiting for a chance to use this extremely creepy gif:
I keep wanting to do things that will make me Amazing, Interesting, and Indispensable (Classes! Skill-learning! Professional Development! Try tap-dance for the first time in 18 years!) but every time I attempt such things, I resent myself for taking away my downtime, of which I apparently need a great deal. But if all I want to do is have downtime, how do I become Amazing, Interesting, and Indispensable? I have no answers.
And somebody in my office area is wearing terrible cologne.
I, too, would like to know how to do Amazing and Interesting things while also leaving plenty of time for lolling, puttering, and otherwise relaxing. I suspect time-turners may be our only hope.
You can do Amazing Things that also absolutely require that you be alone and not moving. Knitting, singing, that sort of thing.
I have this same issue. I feel like I must need tons more downtime than most people.
I’m sure you are already amazing and interesting. Truly it is more about who you are than what you do.
You could possibly become more amazing by doing one thing really well, rather than many things without enthusiasm. Maybe there is something you already do in your downtime that you could devote yourself to doing more intently, like cooking or cycling or writing or having a garden.
how do I become Amazing, Interesting, and Indispensable?
BB, you already are.
Idris Elba eeeeeee! Does make me feel a bit better.
I know this feeling! I wanted to learn new skills, but I was too completely exhausted after actual work to make new work. Now I’m taking tons of Coursera classes and reading textbooks and teaching myself new things and having the best time ever.
Unfortunately, what finally worked for me was, uh, quitting my job.
But also, as part of that, I made a very pre-defined goal of what I wanted to get out of those things (“get a job in this new field!”), so that when I completed something, it felt like Progress. So find something where you can concretely see how it will Improve You As A Human (whether work or hobby-related). And then make a plan.
Given your taste in websites, I’m pretty sure you’re already Amazing and Interesting? That said, my plan is to become Interesting about movies/tv/music, most of which I can enjoy without leaving my bed. (much like a good relationship, a good hobby will recharge you most of the time, rather than draining you).
Oh I definitely feel you on the downtime-stealing front. I am covetous with my M-F after work free time. But I’ve found that I really enjoy taking intensives– classes that last a single weekend for a big chunk of time, rather than every Monday night for x weeks or whatever. Might be more your speed as well?
I actually decided… ten minutes ago… to drop this long-term class and find a boot camp! Preferably one that meets in a month or so, so that I can breathe first.
I resemble this. *shameface*
So I shall give us both the same advice: desiring Amazingness and Interestism probably indicate that they are present? And perhaps feeling like one does not have enough down time speaks to a necessity for higher quality down time. I’ve been wrestling with tat one for a while. What do you do in your downtime? Is it sufficiently recharging to allow for non-downtime Awesome Development?
Why do people do that with cologne? Don’t they know we do not like it? So rude. We should feed them to bighairnoheart’s bear friend.
I spent most of the morning doing a Phase 1 investigation at a marina, so I got to be around water and boats for three hours and that was pretty great!
Toasties, what’s for lunch? I’m going to Wendy’s because I would probably drop-kick an infant for a Baconator right now.
Leftover roast honey-thyme pork loin with coleslaw and a baked potato, total comfort food.
I went down to my local bakery/sandwich shop and they had just started making pasties for the season. So I had a caramelized onion and cheese pasty, no gravy.
I had a sad little empanada from the campus cafeteria. Trying to come up with something easy and healthy to make for dinner later to compensate for it.
Just finished my last leftover bowl of this butternut chicken one-pot dish.
Enjoy your Baconator!
*stares at recipe*
Apparently I need to invest in some coconut milk. And make up some shredded chicken. But I would do that for this dish.
It’s one of my favorites right now. It’s good comfort food for those of us who cannot eat mac’n’cheese.
today lunch is Trader Joe’s Bachelor Chow: Bibimbap Bowl
Damn it feels good to be a bachelor.
I roasted a large number of cubed sweet potatoes this weekend, and had some of them with black beans for lunch. It was… fine. Am very open to suggestions as to how else to turn roasted sweet potatoes into lunch.
I sometimes like to do a bowl of some sort of grains (quinoa, rice, etc.), plus sweet potatoes, your greens of choice, and then a dressing (miso- and/or tahini-based ones go well with sweet potatoes, I’ve found).
http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2013/10/miso-sweet…
Sweet potato tacos! Sweet potato curry!
I had roasted veggies on farro with a vietnamese style peanut sauce for lunch – I bet peanut sauce would be good on your sweet pos! I just follow a general google recipe. I bet they would be great in tortillas with some sharp cheddar, too!
Chicken soup, into the mirepoix for which I dumped a whole bag of shredded carrots from Trader Joe’s, so it’s really more like carrot soup with some chicken and herbs in. There was also supposed to be brown rice in it but Agents of SHIELD was more riveting than I anticipated so I didn’t get cooking until late last night.
I had leftover beef stew that I made on Saturday! I tragically forgot to buy mushrooms, but I made it with teeny potatoes, carrots, onions, and parsnips. At 65 and sunny we’re not exactly having stew weather, so I’ll have to make it again soon once it gets colder.
Left over drop biscuit potpie. I’m sad because it was the last of it. But happy because it tastes so. damn. good.
Cooking is fab, y’all. Especially when you have the time and energy to do it.
Risotto with kale, peas and salami. And goats cheese. Lots of lemon and black pepper. No wine so I used verjuice. Yuuuuuuuuuum.
I’m lunchboxing it to the library tomorrow so hopefully the salami will help me reserve a seat…
Lucky. I always got warehouses and factories.
Thank you SO much to all the Toasties who supported Let’s Get Ready last week. It was absolutely amazing to watch support pouring in from people I’ve never met, and left me with a warmfuzzy afterglow that helped me through a horrible week. Love to all 🙂
And so begins my last week at the job I loved until I learned 7 weeks ago that it was going to stop existing. I have hit a wall as far as caring about the multiple urgent issues that would normally be my problems to solve, which is unfortunate because the people affected by those issues are mostly not responsible for my personal job situation. I just think it’s unfair to still be expected to deal with urgent things that someone else is going to have to shoulder starting at 6pm on Friday, but on the other hand it’s not fair for me to slack off and cause other people more problems. So I’m frustrated and irritated and commenting on this OT instead of replying to my emails.
Any thoughts on how to get through the next 5 days while doing my job at least halfway-responsibly?
No thoughts, but lots of internet hugs.
It sounds like maybe there isn’t a transition plan in place for handing over your current responsibilities, so maybe use the week to gently hand these urgent issues to the person(s) that will need to take them up next week? Sort of a “Hey, next week I won’t be here, so why don’t you handle this, and I’ll provide oversight and answer questions” kind of deal.
Good luck in your next gig!
Yes, I’ve been trying to do that, but the person who will be handling everything I’m currently doing is basically my supervisor? So I have been met with a lot of “oh I think you should still be across that.” And she has plenty of her own things to do, so I don’t really know who will be doing all of this next week! AND I DON’T CARE, which is bad of me, but it’s just true. (I remain bemused by the decision that my position is unnecessary, when I am still this busy the week of my departure.)
I wouldn’t care in your situation. I mean, being conscientious and trying to help your co workers is a good thing, but they are the ones who eliminated the position, not you.
Well if they are actively resisting the transition I would say do as good a job as you can live with personally, and not a lick more, you know?
Hey, the fact that you’re not deleting all your files at this point is a huge point in your favor.
I am tempted. But then there are those 25 people I manage, who will be more damaged than anyone else by my slacking off, and they certainly didn’t make the decision to eliminate my position… SIGH.
The only thing I would do, if I had *time*, is document how to do your tasks, as I suspect they will be passed around the office if your supervisor is currently working at 90% efficiency. (Also, it makes the case that the org needs your position, in the event the trend towards extreme corporate leanness ever reverses.)
Have to say, I’m hoping to hear some horror stories from my coworkers about what happens next week and beyond. That’s kind of mean-spirited maybe, but we are already a company of only seven-ish people on the management side (vs production) and I truly don’t understand how they expect things to run when I’m gone.
Yes I think this might be more important than putting out fires now, even. Because there will be new fires next week, anyway. And someone will need to know how to put them out.
Start rehearsing your polite but firm refusal to do work for free after Friday, because it looks a lot like situations I’ve been in where they expect me to run logistics even though I no longer work there.
“Sorry, that’s not possible” is a good phrase. So is “let me tell you my hourly rate.” (Your hourly rate as a contractor is twice your hourly rate as a full-time employee.)
This advice is the best advice.
Oh hahaha yeah no way. I am great at saying no to things I don’t want to do, which will definitely include any further work for this company after 6pm on Friday.
I been in your shoes. They gave me my pink slip and then expected me to do work for the next 30 days. I took my laptop and watched movies and caught up on my tv shows. I mean what were they going to do -lay me off? Send me to Iraq? Give me a pile of paper work and then left me know 24 hours later they needed it by COB or the best -see me and turn around and walk away……being laid off is Contagious! Been there, done that and got the tshirts that go with it. Sit at your desk and hand out advice and make sure your soon to be your former employees have a contact info for you once you leave. They may want to follow you to your next job.
I’ve got a comment about going to see Hamilton in late June, (surprisingly) with some of my family. I hate to go on about it knowing there are people here who want to see it and can’t. And I do go on a bit. So it’s in the reply.
You guys you guys, I’m so excited. Last week my mom decided our “girls’ weekend” trip this year (her, me, and my sister, which we haven’t actually managed in a couple years) will be to NEW YORK CITY TO SEE HAMILTON. Wtf! Can’t believe actually that my dad agreed with the expense, just out of the blue… And she hasn’t even listened to the soundtrack! (Except what she overheard from my phone speakers last visit while puttering around–Washington sang “I led my men straight into a massacre,” and she said “Oh, that must have been the French & Indian War.”)
She saw the CBS Sunday Morning segment, and then the Fallon and 60 Minutes spots the other weekend, and that was it. Actually first thing she said after that was she wants to read the book. She is bringing it on their upcoming trip to Hawaii. My worlds are colliding. My mom is awesome. Of course I’ve sent her this picture in about three different permutations:
history has it’s eeeeeeyes oooooon you-r holiday reading based musical…
I had a very hepped up and stressful few hours until we actually bought the third seat for the night in June for which I already had 2 tickets. And, we got it. And this will cut down on my accommodation costs at least, splitting a room 3 ways instead of alone or 2.
This is so weird, too, because enjoying the whole phenomenon and seeing the show in person is all about participatory creative transcendence and inspiration and reinforcement for me (lord I sound pretentious), and that is not a part of my life that I have ever shared with my family? I am the only one into writing and making music and talking about it incessantly. So I’m working on my feelings about that. It will be a great opportunity to deepen our relationships, though. I’m anxious and excited and still adjusting to the idea that I’m not going to be seeing it on my own or with a confirmed like-minded person. (I enjoy traveling on my own.)
Aaaaaaa! I’m going in late June too!!! I’m hoping and praying that most of the main class is still going to be there, but I’ll be happy to see it regardless! (although I… I really want to see Daveed Diggs. And Leslie. and Anthony. And… ok, I just really hope most of them are there.)
SAME
I’m so excited for you! I’m seeing it in March! I hope you have a wonderful experience, sharing this aspect of yourself with your family.
Glad you’re getting to see it! And thank you! I may yet get my boyfriend person to come… screw girls’ weekend, kind of, because this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I would really love to have him sitting beside me during it.
But it might be great to have my sister beside me, too… if he can’t… it’s a bit awkward for me! Right now we have two seats in one place and two seats in the same general area but in the next balcony up, so there would be separation there. (If he can’t come we’ll sell the 4th ticket–they were being sold in 2’s.) …ANYway. It’s fine, it’s fine. GROWTH EXPERIENCE.
today is a historic day on the toast because it is the first day I was published upon it. you all better read have my piece, it is only a billion pages long, what else are you doing with your time, COME ON.
yesterday a delivery man shamed my cat by asking if she was pregnant. the other delivery man had the grace to be scandalized by this remark and diverted the conversation by telling me all about his own cat and how much he likes cats. he showed me a picture of her wearing a ruby necklace he had bought her. I have never bought jewels for my cat so I guess I was shamed as well.
*I* read it (though I didn’t know that you were, well, you) and it is perfect, and I already sent it to someone for whom it is especially perfect!
I am saving it for my lunchtime read!
ETA: LOVED IT!
I’ve always enjoyed your posts, happy “PUBLISHED AUTHOUR, Y’ALL anniversary!
My old white man neighbor is constantly shaming my dogs. One is too skinny and one is too fat. I mean, seriously, dude, they’re dogs. I don’t need to hear your every opinion. Spoiler alert: your opinions are usually wrong.
A ruby necklace, though? Now I feel shamed too. No jewelry for any of my pets.
I have a similar problem! The fat one steals the skinny one’s food, which is part of why they have their respective problems. I hate that people comment on this all the damn time. I also hate taking the fat one to the vet because they absolutely do not believe that we aren’t feeding her food she isn’t supposed to have. We are not! I just don’t always have time to referee the dogs’ eating and the skinny one is neurotic and won’t eat if you try to separate them. Also, apparently the feeding guides on bags of dog food are intended to sell you more dog food and not necessarily indicative of how much food a dog needs to eat. According to my vet, at least. He was not helpful in providing an answer to the question of how much they actually do need to eat though.
During my cat’s last appointment, the vet started calling her “Mrs. Fatty-Fat” after weighing her. >:C
Hm. I feel that this expresses a secret desire on behalf of the vet to be mocked by a similar nickname. With interest.
That story about cats and delivery people is the best story I have ever read. I don’t want to read any more stories for the rest of my life. Unless that delivery man writes a story about his cat and why he bought a ruby necklace for her. I would read that story.
The one was clearly uncomfortable with the other’s cat enthusiasm and kept looking like he wanted to get going once they had screwed the legs onto my new sideboard, but the other was so involved in getting my cat to let him touch her nose and then delighted when she did. & I know what the first one was getting at because he called her, in the way of one casting about for a euphemism, “solida” before enquiring about her childbearing status. but I chose to believe he was accusing her of being unchaste rather than commenting on her figure and took offense on those grounds. the way the second guy was all OH NATURALLY NOT led me to suppose he thought the same.
I mean no disrespect to the noble profession of furniture delivery when I say that the two of them reminded me a lot of Mallory’s Monk 1 and Monk 2.
(- “what do cats wear when they’re at home
– oh you know, just like
rubies and diamonds festooned all over
just the usual
– right, right
haha! That is most excellent.
My next door neighbor asked me if my cat was pregnant the other day. She most assuredly is not. She just has that slightly saggy belly that a lot of female cats get post-spaying. I am still slightly miffed on her behalf, though.
That was one of the best things I have ever read. Damn.
BLARG y’all I have been trying to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist forever to discuss some options for my as of now not officially diagnosed ADHD but I just feel stressed about it and worried that I’m going to come off a drug seeking? Or something? OR I’m worried that even if I do try meds I’ll still be unable to get any work done because I’m actually just not that smart? Ughhh I have to call. I know this.
ALSO I am in a very weird flirt zone right now with a friend of mine and it’s confusing and fine but also confusing.
Ugh, sorry for all the whining I just needed to VENT.
If the psychiatrist dismisses you as just drug seeking, look for a better psychiatrist (stressful I know, but so good in the long run). A good psychiatrist will recognize a person who is seeking help oh help and be able to counsel if and how medication should be part of that help. And a good psychiatrist should be able to do that without making you feel bad about coming to seek help.
Look at this good, sound, logical advice. This is helpful. I think I might be able to call on my lunch break.
Saying out loud makes it a little less scary.
Yeah I’ve been officially diagnosed and on meds since childhood and I have still encountered some docs who act like anyone who claims to have ADD is just looking for drugs, which is a huge red flag that the person does not understand or give a shit about their patients. It’s a signal that you need to find a different provider asap.
Bird Internet! I am posting this spammily under your reply so you will get an email notification. Sorry if you already saw this, but we’ve formed a group for discussing this stuff when there is no open thread going, it’s at http://Justaddtoast.slack.com — if you’re interested please email justaddtoast(at)gmail.com so I can add you. If you are one of the people I already added, check your spam box to see if the invite landed in there.
Small Pistachio — I am posting this spammily under your reply so you will get an email notification. Sorry if you already saw this, but we’ve formed a group for discussing this stuff when there is no open thread going, it’s at http://Justaddtoast.slack.com — if you’re interested please email justaddtoast(at)gmail.com so I can add you. If you are one of the people I already added, check your spam box to see if the invite landed in there.
Oh, hi, me from last week! You finally called and went in and they did not think that!
Wow that is…more of a kick in the pants than I initially thought it would be!
Hey, so, if you went in, and got diagnosed, and they gave you some sort of solution that wasn’t a stimulant drug like ritalin or adderall, but made a significant and serious difference in making your life easier, would you be:
a) happy?
b) pissed you weren’t getting stimulant drugs?
I think we both know the answer. Good psych professionals are pretty good about figuring out who’s drug seeking in a “i would like to sell these” kind of way, and who’s drug seeking in a “i need help” kind of way. If you’re right, and it’s ADHD, stimulants should be on the list of options, but they’re not always the best first option for everyone. So even if the person you end up meeting with doesn’t want to give you stimulants, you may still end up getting something that helps you out.
Whew y’all really know how to speak logic to my anxiety, I will say that.
I think the crux of it is that if I’m scared of getting officially diagnosed and (possibly) medicated and still not really..doing anything? Or, I guess I mean still feeling like I’m not particularly good at anything slash kinda stuck in life. It’s easier to..not confront that. Though I logically know it isn’t the only thing holding me back, it’s this Big Bad I can pin stuff on and say I’ll deal with it later.
I know that feel.
I feel you.
But I’ve good some good news/bad news you already know but maybe hearing someone else say it will help:
It’s always more complicated. An ADHD diagnosis is like going to the optometrist and being told, for certain, that your eyes make things fuzzy. Medication (and/or effective talk therapy) is like being handed glasses, and there are other suggestions that are somewhere around “sit in the front of the room” in our extended metaphor.
You’re right, it’s always more than one thing, and just because you know what’s wrong, just because a doctor tells you some things you can do to make it better, you still have to put on your glasses, or take the medication, or use your to-do list, or go for a jog. It can be terrible to struggle with untreated ADHD, the terror or sadness associated with not being able to get shit done is frustrating and horrid but at least you can blame it. At least you can say that the reason you’re not a nobel prize winner yet is because of the ADHD. Taking it off the list of excuses/explanations/etc is scary.
BUT. Honestly? It’s always going to be there. You cannot be on stimulant medication 24/7. You will not always be on your A game in terms of your non-medication interventions (…. many of which you already have in place, because you’ve gotten this far without accidentally forgetting to feed yourself for a few weeks, for example). ADHD (or whatever’s going on) is a thing you learn to cope with, and you figure out what works best for you, and you figure out what’s good and what’s bad, how to maximize both Getting Shit Done and also Being Happy and everything else going on, but even if it doesn’t exactly “hold you back” or whatever even more insulting way of phrasing it my mother would probably use, it does change what you do, when you do it, and how you do it.
Uh, basically, you get to keep it as your Big Bad. (she says, having typed all of this rather than getting other stuff done right now, and will end up doing it later after everyone else has gone home and it’s easier to think).
Wow that was really lovely! And yes, I have heard this and know it, but it is always so strangely helpful to have someone say the things? Even in a mostly anonymous internet? Yay The Toast. The best place on the internet.
Thank you for this. I got diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago and learning about it was like suddenly discovering that the reason everyone else on earth can drive without hitting trees is because they have their eyes open when they do it. I would sit in front of my computer being like MAME! DO THIS THING! DO IT NOW! OPEN UP THE EMAILS AND….oooh, new email! Oh hey, that reminds me, last week I was thinking I need new oven mitts! Amazon time!! OMG THAT NEW BOOK BY AUTHOR XYZ…wait, did I read the last one? Where’s my Kindle? OH NO the phone it’s ringing and it’s the person who wants the thing RIGHT NOW that I said I’d do…and so on and so on. I thought for so long that it was just because I was sort of worthless and lazy and unmotivated.
Anyway, at the advice of my therapist, I’m asking my doc for meds on Thursday. Terrified. But…good?
Ohhh heyyy this sounds exactly like me. With a good heap of irritation that like.. I am twenty six why did nobody mention this sooner in my life?? Good luck on Thursday!
And me! We should form some sort of group, so we can talk in between open threads.
I would love that! As helpful as it is to talk to my friends, I tend to befriend a certain type of compulsive, classic type A who look at me like I have six heads when I talk about my inability to accomplish a single task on my “to do” list. A group would be AMAZING.
Hahaha I know let’s start a group on Slack.
I amuse me…
http://Justaddtoast.slack.com
Of course now I see that I can’t just throw it out there, I’d have to send invitations to people. If you want in, please email justaddtoast(at)gmail.com
I think you have to invite my email- BobOfSeals@gmail!
invitation sent!
Can I come too? saffiedarling at gmail
cosetthetable (at) gmail.com
I added you! If you did not see the invite, check your spam!
29, and I only ever considered it from reading a Captain Awkward letter that sounded like it came from my own brain. Who knew it had an UNDERactive form, and was way underdiagnosed in women?
First off, good luck Thursday!
Second, sorry if you already saw this, but we’ve formed a group for discussing this stuff when there is no open thread going, it’s at http://Justaddtoast.slack.com — if you’re interested please email justaddtoast(at)gmail.com so I can add you. If you are one of the people I already added, check your spam box to see if the invite landed in there. 🙂
I was diagnosed and medicated about 6 months ago. Untreated, I get overwhelmed at all the things that need to be done, and the order in which to do them, and what tools do I need and oh my lord I’m paralysed, better go play candy crush and feel like a failure instead.
Medication helps me look at a pile of things that need to be done and find a place to start.
Overall treatment helps me forgive myself for being someone who gets overwhelmed. It helps me accept that it’s okay to just do something to put a dent in the pile, and that I am not a useless garbage human who doesn’t deserve friends or jobs or apartments because I’m terrible at estimating how long something will take me.
It’s still going to be a journey. Diagnosis won’t eagle carry you out of the woods and the shadow will still be living there. But medication will help you fight off encroaching spiders and spot the path among the trees, and broader treatment will help you understand that just getting on the path is a start worth celebrating.
All the hugs.
I KNOW THIS FEEL. EXACTLY. TRULY.
Your ADHD will still suck. That is just a fact. The medications help, oh my god do they help, but you will still have ADHD, and it’s still going to be hard.
Like, I know I over-use the glasses analogy, but honestly, it’s a pretty good one.
When you are nearsighted, you go to the doctor and get glasses or contacts. And WOOHOO YOU CAN SEE. But it doesn’t cure your vision. You still fumble around in the morning before you put them on or in. If it’s glasses your peripheral vision can still be crap and then you get fingerprints on them. If it’s contacts you sometimes get a speck of dirt under them or they get dry. And you still have to go to the eye doctor sometimes to get new ones. In other words, your bad vision is still a goddamn hassle–but you can function somewhat like a normal person with your vision correction.
My Adderall is my brain glasses. It doesn’t cure anything, but by god does it help me function like a normal person.
This is good advice, and I think it’s worthwhile to remember that stimulant medication a) isn’t going to make your life completely different, although it may give you the capacity to begin making changes, and b) may very well make you feel anxious or sleepless or jittery, in which case you need to either adjust the dose or look into different treatments. I take Ritalin every day but it’s been a very long process to find the right balance and I still have those days when I’m completely in a fog–they just don’t happen as much any more. I think it’s worthwhile to at least try medication because it can give you a something to compare your baseline mental state to. But it wouldn’t be unusual if you find that some other form of therapy works better for you.
I’ve been seeing a therapist for little under a year now- we’ve got a lot of other practices in place to keep my focus…focused, for lack of a better word. I’m not necessarily convinced about getting on medication, but it seems worthwhile to at least know what my options are. I’m so pleased there are so many Toasties to discuss this with!
I am of the opinion that unless you have a major medical reason to avoid stimulants, it’s always worth a try. There are several kinds that come in many formulations and dosages, and one or another will work for about 90% or more of people with ADHD. They do not feel the same as coffee, either.
My first time on the right kind of Adderall was a truly startling experience. Like, HOLY SHIT, is this what other people feel like all the time? This is what I’ve been missing?
They will have to take my adderall from my cold, dead hands.
The hilarious thing about me looking for a new psych person (I am not, currently, but when I was) is that technically I AM a drug seeker.
I have ADHD, I’ve been on about the same dose of Adderall for ten years now, I just need someone to write my scrips for that and sometimes Wellbutrin. That is specifically what I am looking for.
Like, nobody shames people who go to the eye doctor because they need glasses. You GLASSES-SEEKER.
GASP I AM BOTH A DRUG SEEKER AND A GLASSES SEEKER.
Something that helped me deal with anxiety about appearing like a drug seeker was writing down my ‘path’ to considering ADHD. I was terrified that as soon as I got in front of a psychiatrist, he’d challenge me on why I thought I was sick, instead of just a lazy garbage human, and I’d forget every discussion I had with my therapist and GP and every example and be tongue-tied and shamed out of the office in disgrace.
So I wrote down how I came to consider ADHD. I wrote down examples from my life. I read ‘Women With ADHD’ by Sari Solden, and copy/pasted every sentence that resonated with me. It was a long document.
I didn’t really need it. I had a conversation, got a prescription, and information, and links to support groups. But just having them there, having that evidence written down in black and white, made it so much easier to trust my perception and be ready to advocate for access to treatment. Because you’re not seeking drugs, you’re seeking treatment.
I always miss the ADHD threads!
Welcome to the club and I hope you find a plan that works for you!
And if your at all worried about medication or taking stimulants, I just wanted to let you know that there are non-stimulant ADHD medications out there, so don’t be afraid to ask! I’ve been on atomoxatine/Straterra for about 6 years now (started at a teenager) and it completely changed my life. I don’t know why my doctors decided on this one, they never told me anything and I had to beg them for medication because I just couldn’t get my shit together, but the eventual rational they gave me was that its non-stimulant, so it keeps you level all the time rather than the energy-crash cycle you go through with Ritalin (I also think the thought I was drug seeking and would just sell ritilan if they gave it to me. I never gave any indication of this, but I’m always assumed to be a drug seeker.)
Selma– I am posting this spammily under your reply so you will get an email notification. Sorry if you already saw this, but we’ve formed a group for discussing this stuff when there is no open thread going, it’s at http://Justaddtoast.slack.com — if you’re interested please email justaddtoast(at)gmail.com so I can add you. If you are one of the people I already added, check your spam box to see if the invite landed in there.
Toast! I have exciting plans for the next few months- I’m responsible for bringing in a big work project and I’m also applying to grad school. Nothing’s certain, but all indications point to me doing well with both these things. So I am excited! But I also find myself pretty anxious about these things and sometimes that’s spilling over into other stuff. I’ve got a therapist I talk to as needed, and I might go see her to chat, but I’d also like to hear ways other Toasties deal with this kind of scary oncoming anxiety. What do you do to keep your chill around Big Events?
I talk it out with friends! P.S. you are great and smart and responsible and passionate and you will be great.
Thank you, lovely person. <3
Toast, I appreciate you. The last few days have been pretty terrible for the world, and I don’t think things are going to lighten up soon. But we have places like this, and people like those found here, to remind us of the good, and of the things that those interested in terrorizing us would prefer that we forget.
………….. i had forgotten about that natalie portman thing. …. thank you.
“we love you natalie”
“i wanna FUCK YOU TOO”
(it’s my favorite)
Someone said this in the Link Roundup, but I too am so glad that The Toast Dot Net is my safe haven. All of you are my safe haven. <3
Anyone feel like talking about food instead of real world events? I am in the mood for pie, preferably something creamy with a graham cracker crust. Alternately, pie fillings that will go well with a tart/press-in type of crust. I am just not in the mood right now for fiddling with the types of crust recipes that tell you to add a variable amount of ice water depending on how it feels/looks, but hey don’t fiddle with it too much or your pie crust will be ruined. Share your pie recipes with me please!
I have made the smitten kitchen key lime pie (I use regular limes) with great success!
This is one of two things my mother cooks and is foolproof and delicious. It has never ever turned out badly, and is my go to “seducing with food” dish as well as an excelletn “coworkers please love me” dish.
-defrost a sheet of frozen puff pastry or plain old pastry and pop it in a pie tin, maybe put some butter down underneath?
-sprinkle ground almonds, sugar, and cinamon. And by sprinkle I mean coat the bottom of the pie with
-peel and sixth a bunch of apples, laying them in the pie tin in circles or whatever shape you like
-stick in the oven at 350 until the apples are browned
-mix up what is basically french toast batter: an egg, heavy cream (can also use milk), more cinnamon and sugar to taste
-pour that mixture over top of the tart until the apples are pretty well submerged
-stick it back in the oven until the egg mixture has cooked and the edges are beginning to look brown.
Ooh this sounds lovely. Only one egg? Approximately how many is a bunch of apples? Is it primarily apples with only a big of custard to keep the apple bits together?
That sounds very much like this recipe, which is great with whatever apples you like to bake with, and would probably be great with the addition of nuts
http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/appletartmamanb…
Yes it does, good find. I support their addition of booze and reject the idea of using only 1/2 tbsp of it. Thank you!
I would say 50 50. the bottom of the tart pan is essentially covered with apples, but because of the slice shape you get a fair but of custard. It looks a bit like this https://anchoritdown.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/…
One egg and 8ish medium apples usually does it.
The illustration is very helpful, thank you! I am definitely making this.
I have a similar-ish recipe except with rhubarb or canned peach slices instead of apples. I’m going to post it when I get home, it might help with the ratios for anyone looking at this later, though I suspect it’ll be much too late for you. Sorry.
Pumpkin pie with a graham cracker crust is truly a queen among pies.
½ can or 398 ml pumpkin (but not that ‘pumpkin pie filling’ nonsense)
2 eggs
¾ cup evaporated milk
1 cup sugar
1 ¼ tsp cinnamon
½ tsp nutmeg
1 tsp ginger
Mix all together and add more spice to taste.
Bake at 425 for 15 minutes, then 350 for 35 minutes
I love pumpkin pie, I love graham cracker crust, why have I never combined them before?
My go to recipe for sharing:
Chocolate Black Bean Pie
1 1/2 cups black beans rinsed (or one can drained)
1 cup brown sugar
2 eggs
1 stick butter
1 teaspoon vanilla (or more)
1 teaspoon cinnamon (or more)
a round 1/2 cup chocolate chips melted (or ~4 oz)
pinch salt
cream butter/sugar/eggs
blend in beans with stick blender
stir in melted chocolate/salt/vanilla/cinnamon
pour into unbaked 9 inch pie crust
bake at 350 for an hour
I like it with a dollop of whipped cream and seeing as it’s basically chocolate pie I’m sure it would be brilliant with a graham cracker crust.
I STRONGLY believe that making pie crust from scratch is for suckers and chumps. You can buy a package of frozen pie crust and it will turn out flaky and perfect every time and you don’t need to spend an hour weeping tears of frustration over a crumbly sticky mess of dough that you made yourself.
I love making crust. Loooooove. I blame my last job, which was prep baking.
…I learned a lot about fixing crust mistakes, let me tell you.
Tart crust is often more forgiving than pie crust.
I used to buy the frozen crust from Trader Joe’s, but it isn’t all butter crust anymore, and all butter is the only way to go.
I have a press-in short crust recipe that goes well with almost every pie that doesn’t need a top.
1.5 cups all purpose flour
1/2 cup of neutral oil
1/4 cup of ice water
pinch of salt
Mix into a bowl until a dough forms, press into pie plate, proceed as normal.
If you are feeling savory, you can make half of that flour whole wheat, or add herbs (or both!) and use this for a fantastic quiche crust.
I am making a pecan pie tomorrow, using this recipe, but subbing in 1/4 c of mesquite bean flour to give it a lovely desert-y flavor.
That looks like a fab pie crust. I’ll have to try it out!
it tastes lovely, and it makes pie/quiche making so much easier. Quiche is now a winter weeknight staple in our house.
I know this sounds crazy basic, but for some reason I put off making my own salad dressing for forever even though I’d heard others recommend it cause I thought “meh, it’s not like it’s that expensive.” But on whim I tried a simple vinaigrette recipe from a cookbook I recently received as a gift and it’s so much more delicious than any dressing I’ve ever bought! And cheap to make! And easy! And I look forward to my lunch salads rather than being like “I guess I should eat salad for lunch even though something else sounds better so the greens won’t go bad.” So, it’s not pie, but it’s my exciting food news of the moment.
If you like salads of the mexican sort, Rick Bayless’s Mexican Everyday has some seriously killer salad dressings in it. Really, really good.
See also: lemon + garlic + olive oil + oregano = +/- greek salad dressing. Add feta, olives & thinly sliced red onion for extra deliciousness.
My husband and I are quite passionate about our lunch salads, which are at this point pretty kickass, so I support you in your lunch salad pursuits. Lunch salads should be delicious! I make people jealous with mine, it’s great!
It’s all about Rose Levy Berenbaum’s Pie and Pastry Bible!! Her cream cheese pastry is food processor friendly and delicious, I’ll try and get a photo up for you (the whole book is excellent too)
Ahh this thread blew up while I had to go back to work, and now everyone is probably gone baking their delicious pies and other pie-like desserts, but please come back with this amazing sounding cream cheese pastry. Cream cheese in everything, always.
Continuing the late reply, but – I found it online! It’s pretty foolproof flaky crust – you don’t have to mess around with water because of the cream cheese, so it’s consistent. I had a major experimental pie phase and would make vast batches of this and freeze it in portions to use whenever. Also, because you freeze the ingredients it’s great for people with naturally warm hands and regardless of weather. I especially love it for baked blueberry tarts. Happy baking!
http://www.realbakingwithrose.com/recipes/RLB…
I am not a great baker, but I will say that this key lime pie ice cream* is the easiest thing in the world and also delicious.
* I use key lime juice instead of regular lime juice, but you can buy the juice in a big old bottle so you don’t have to squeeze two million key limes
The one I have been thinking about lately is ultra simple. My mom used to make it. Graham cracker crust, then mix cool whip and strawberry jello with banana disks. Mix well, chill and serve.
my go to “justneedsomedamnpie” pie, is very similar.
1. buy (or always have on hand!) a graham cracker or butter cookie or oreo crust. These are premade and include handy lids.
2. Set 8 oz of cream cheese out on the counter.
3. Mix one small box of jello with 1 cup boiling water. Leave on counter to cool.
4. Take 1 container of cool whip out of the freezer and leave it on the counter. Size of container is your choice. (Can be same or different counter. Your choice!)
3. watch half hour of netflix or hulu.
4. mix the jello with the cream cheese. Once it is blended, fold in the cool whip gently. Streaks are fine. This is not the State Fair.
5. Cover and chill. Refrigerator if you’re patient. Freezer if you are not.
I like Black Cherry jello and oreo crust, Lime jello and graham crust, and peach jello and butter crust.
This might be the kinda pie you’re looking for: http://www.npr.org/2013/04/11/176279512/a-north-c…
I haven’t made it yet myself, but I need to, because I ate a slice of it at Crook’s Corner a couple years back when I was in Durham, NC for the 25th Anniversary of Bull Durham.
omg I have everything for this. this is even better!
I’m kind of mesmerized by this pie concept: http://www.charlesphoenix.com/thanksgiving-cherpu…
Banoffee pie! http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/how_to_make_ban…
Never have I missed my kitchen more.
Baking > real world.
I used to be a baking snob. Then I had a kid and a chronic illness and now I am all, screw those standards. If I do not have time/interest in from-scratch, I get the HEB/Safeway frozen crust and do this filling from (maybe) Southern Living (I think):
1 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups corn syrup
4 eggs
1/4 cup butter
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
1 1/2 cups pecans, coarsely broken
1 unbaked deep dish pie shell
Boil sugar and corn syrup together for 2 to 3 minutes; set aside to cool slightly.
Separate bowl, beat eggs lightly and very slowly pour the syrup mixture into the eggs, stirring constantly.
Some people strain the mixture and some of us just go for broke.
Stir in butter, vanilla, and pecans and pour into crust.
Bake in a 350°F oven for about 45 to 60 minutes or until set.
Alternatively, this is the best pumpkin pie in the universe.
http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2008/11/silky-smoo…
I am nowhere near my cookbook, but if you ping me, I will get you my grandmother’s lemon meringue pie recipe, which is glorious even with out of season lemons.
Am I too late to request that lemon meringue recipe…?
(1) prepared pie crust- prebaked. (1) can coconut milk, full fat. (1) 3 oz bar of dark chocolate. A splash of vanilla & a pinch of salt. Warm the coconut milk and chocolate together until chocolate is fully combined. Stir in vanilla & salt & pour into pie crust. Chill until set. Lovely, easy, rich chocolate cream pie which I’ll probably make this weekend.
I am having such a stressful week (well, this past week, bleeding over into this week). And it’s one of those things where with everything going on, I feel… I dunno, selfish (?) complaining about it on twitter. Like, there are so many awful things going on, who am I to complain about apartment/landlord issues? So I’ve been limiting my complaints on twitter, but I don’t think that’s helping me. Sigh.
I’m gonna put this in a secondary comment for length so hold on…
Basically I’ve been going through this mess where there is a leak in my apartment. The leak was first noticed on last Saturday night (the 7th, so over a week ago). It’s coming down through my bathroom doorframe, from the apt above mine (presumably). The time since has been a constant struggle to just get someone to come and see it and fix it. I don’t wanna ramble on, but to summarize:
1) Landlord is called Sunday morning and told the leak is coming from the (empty, unoccupied) apt above me.
2) Plumber shows up 6 hours later on Sunday evening. Looks at my ceiling. Says “huh it’s coming from upstairs, I don’t have access to that. Plumber says he’s gonna call landlord, and leaves.
3) I am left sitting in my apt going ???? because I very clearly told the landlord it was coming from above me so… why would he send a plumber without access??
4) Monday apt is still leaking. I take day off work assuming landlord/plumber will come by. I have figured out that the leaking (it is minor drips) happens only when the radiators in the building turn on (every couple hours for about a half hour at a time.) I tell my landlord this. I hear brief footsteps upstairs and then whoever it is leaves.
5) Two days go by. Apartment is still leaking on Monday. My ceiling has drip marks and stains and so do my walls. I have created an altar of trays and bowls underneath the leak, to catch the watery offerings from Overlord Leak and hopefully appease him.
6) I finally combat my extreme phone anxiety and call the Landlord from work (which somehow makes it easier, idk, anxiety is weird.) Landlord says to me (and I quote): “Ohhh… the plumber hasn’t come yet?)
(6b. No ofc he hasn’t come why the heck do you think I’m calling you because the leak is fixed and I want to know when the plumber is coming so I can bake him a damn cake???)
7) Landlord tells me he came Monday and put a box on the door (with the key) and that he should have access. He promises to call plumber and gives me his number so I can make sure to be there when he gets home.
8) I wait a half hour and text the plumber, assuming the landlord would have called him by now (HAH!). Plumber texts back “don’t have key to apt”. I throw my phone at the wall and it smashes. Haha, kidding. I text plumber back, stating that the landlord informed me he placed a box there. Said box probably has key. Maaaybe he should call the landlord?
9) No one comes Wednesday night. Thursday, I text plumber again. “HELLO? HOW ARE YOU? I’ve been wondering if after all these years you’d like to FIX MY LEAKY CEILING???” He tells me “I will come late”. There is no clarification as to what “late” means. I wait for two hours after work and hear nothing, but the leak appears to have stopped. I am hesitantly optimistic?
10) When the leak is still “gone” on Friday morning, I stupidly decide to get some wine to celebrate that evening. I get home and drink my wine. While walking back to the kitchen for a second glass, I see that my doorframe is leaking. Still. There is shouting. I text the plumber asking wtf is happening. He does not answer. I drink the entire bottle of wine as a libation to Overload Leak.
11) Saturday I hear lots of banging around upstairs. The kind of sounds that people might make if they’re repairing things! I am excited!! I don’t even mind all the noise!!!
12) The noises go away. My apartment is still leaking. I am leaking too but they’re tears because I’m so damn frustrated and my apartment, which is my one safe space (a very important thing for me w/my anxiety and depression) feels like it is actively fighting against me.
13) Sunday I think I hear noises and knocking and banging, but it’s 7/8am and I’m asleep and it’s possible I’m imagining these things because I do that a lot.
14) Overload Leak does not appear all day Sunday. He also did not appear this morning. I do not know what to feel. It’s “possible” the leak got fixed, but no one has said a single word to me. It’s also possible the water is still just dripping through my walls somewhere, and I can’t see it.
Aaaand that’s pretty much present day. I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid to be optimistic that it’s been fixed because last time that happened, the reality hit me harder. I know I should call my landlord again, but I dread that doing so will start off another round of back and forth with nothing happening and also phone calls make me anxious.
I’m considering just giving in, accepting Overlord Leak as my new reality and preparing to give him offerings for eternity even if my apartment falls to pieces around me.
(But in all seriousness, this is really stressing me out. I’m so anxious and depressed, and the fact that my usual safe space feels hostile is not at all helping. What are you supposed to do when the place that calms your anxiety is the place making you anxious?)
Ngl this is pretty much literally what I did yesterday. I wrapped myself up in a blanket and spent most of the day watching a Lifetime Marilyn Monroe two-part movie thingie, and then starting Masters of None. And comfort eating. And ignoring most texts/emails/etc because I was all numb and stressed and tired.
GOOD FOR YOU
If you haven’t write all this down somewhere where it’s easy to access at a later date. At least some of that contact with the landlord was in writing, right? If not, make your next contact to him in writing.
I had a nightmare property manager try to charge me and an ex for the damage caused from leaks we had complained about. We didn’t get the amount of the deposit back we should have, but at least she didn’t push too hard to get us to pay for the expenses she tried to push off on us, which I suspect was helped by the emails we had making it clear we’d noted the leaks.
Some of it was via text, some of it over the phone. I haven’t sent him any emails because I don’t know if he even checks it (he’s very old), but I might do that with pictures to document the water damage. He’s not malicious in anyway, it’s just frustrating because he (and the plumber) are incredibly uncommunicative– with me, with each other, etc– and it’s making it so much worse. Like if someone would just message me and say “it was fixed on this day” or “it will be fixed on this day” that’d be great, but I get nothing. So now I have no idea if it’s fixed or not, or what’s happening.
My landlord wasn’t malicious either, but she hired this property manager a couple of months before we moved out who seemed to see her job as saving owners money by getting tenants to cover more costs, regardless of what was in the lease and the history of contact. So, cover yourself just to be safe!
I am so sorry. There are like 12 different levels of WTF here. I guess if I were in your situation, I would just call my landlord every 6 hours until he actually fucking does something. Or, like, get both of them on a conference call with you and line up a very easy “YOU WILL BOTH MEET ME AT MY APARTMENT AT 6PM TOMORROW AND FUCKING FIX THIS” sort of scenario.
If you live in the NYC area, you are more than welcome to crash a night or two on my pullout couch while this all gets sorted. It is warm and non-leaky here and I have several cozy blankets. <333
I would probably call him more if I didn’t have such bad phone anxiety. Like just thinking about calling him makes me anxious, but I live alone so I have no one to do it for me. And they’re so uncommunicative, I have no idea if anything is being done or not. Is it fixed? It is not? Is something pending? WHO KNOWS, NOT ME.
Thanks for the offer! I’m in CT though, so it’s not feasible haha. Plus I’m (mostly) okay staying in my place, it’s just stressful if/when the leak starts. Hoping it’ll still be dry when I get home.
I know this pain. Calling makes me anxious. So when I’m on the phone I don’t push as hard as I should because I’m anxious. And then I hang up and think ‘shoot. I just signed myself up for another phone call because I didn’t set a way for them to follow up and now I’ll have ot chase them”
It’s AWFUL and I always feel like such a baby (just CALL them why is it HARD idk it just IS HARD OK?) but you know what? I’m not a baby. It’s hard! But you did it anyway look at all that phone calling you do! You get a big huge gold star because you have been a champ about this.
OMG, you moved into my old apartment. 🙁
My ex-landlord/super and I did this SO MANY TIMES (including the ten days of no heat in January 2013–I live in Chicago), and SO MANY TIMES I put up with things being kind of crappy rather than deal with them:
.
I have massive phone anxiety, too, coupled by the super being REALLY hard to understand on the phone. I wish I had figured out any useful advice to share!
Oh my gosh! I think yours might have been worse than mine but it’s hard to tell. I have all sorts of drip marks and water damage on my walls and ceiling. I’m waiting to see tonight if the leak comes back (it hasn’t yet, knock on wood), but either way I’m gonna email my landlord tomorrow (either about said leak, or getting the rest of it fixed) and then call him. SIGH. Ugh I hate phone calls SO MUCH. My usual method is to write out what I’m gonna say but that only helps for an opening line when your landlord is a mess.
Do you have a friend or family member that can call for you? I have dental anxiety and still (in my 30s!) rely on my mom to call and make appointments for me (I call her, she calls them then calls me back with a time)
Today begins the Weeks From Hell where I have 10 hours of behavioral experiments running every day,at least 6 of which I have to do myself. On top of the other stuff I do in lab and in class. It’s gonna be interesting, to say the least.
Thankfully, I can look forward to being home next Tuesday, where I will be fed massive amounts of food on the couch where I will be lying down with two puppies in my lap. Toasties, what are you looking forward to as a way to get through the week?
Nothing new, there.
Oh man good luck to you, that sounds rough. Are your behavior experiments in the dark? If so, sending you so much strength (I mean, sending you strength regardless, but dark-shifted is an extra layer of insanity). I just scheduled my last round of experiments through the end of the year and I’m basically doing a schedule similar to yours for the last week I’m here in December and then probably going straight from lab to the airport to go home. At least flying will be a relief.
Good luck to you. May your experiments go smoothly, and may Tuesday arrive with its couch and its puppies post-haste.
I am in that gray pre exam area where I’m about to be buried in work but nothing I can do right now except worry about it. Advice?
When I was in school (oh so long ago!), my attitude towards exams and the mountain of work was “the deadlines will come no matter what and after x date, it will all be over.” So — I don’ t know if it’s a healthy coping mechanism. But the exams and the due dates will come no matter what. And then they’ll be over. And the fretting won’t stop that. I try not to worry too much about the things that my worrying has zero effect on. I’m not always successful.
I always tried to do as much anticipatory self-care as manageable beforehand – stock up on food, do laundry, schedule a hangout with a friend – so that when the exams hit you don’t have to worry about anything else. You will triumph, in the end!
I’m with aqueousmedium – batch cook/buy lots of food and freeze it. I always lose track of my diet when I’m busy and end up eating badly. Fill your cupboards with lovely snacks (My favourites are roasted almonds and these weird dried fruit snack balls I make by chucking stuff in a blender), slice and freeze some good bread (or your carb of choice) and make or buy some soups or stews. Stewed/poached fruit is also good! It keeps well in an airtight container in the fridge or freezer, and then you can put it on everything and call it breakfast or eat it straight up.
I find cooking relaxing when I’m in that state but I don’t know how you feel about kitchens so I’m happy to share recipes but am also non judgemental if you aren’t into cooking. Good luck, you can do it!
I am deeply, passionately in love with kitchens, but I’m at the point in our narrative arc where I spend four years pining for them, trapped in the cold embrace of dining hall food.
(We have no student kitchens. It’s a travesty.)
WHAT IS THIS. That is a bit mean of them… I am very fond of my kitchen and shall no longer take it for granted
Three weeks into freshman year, I texted my mom to bitch about how nobody includes kitchen availability in recruitment info.
I was only partially joking.
This may sound silly, but get yourself a little kitchen timer and time your study. I’m EXTREMELY easily distracted and I find if I put my little chicken timer on for 5 minutes and tell myself “You will study for 5 minutes without a break, then you can grab a snack” I do, I study with complete concentration for 5 minutes. And your brain is like “5 minutes is NOTHING! I did that so easy!” so you make the next lot of study 10 minutes, then you quickly check your email. Then you do 15 minutes, or maybe you go back to 5 minutes. But the point is, you have dedicated, unbroken and focused concentration for small periods which can seem a lot more achievable than saying “Right, I’m going to study this subject for 3 hours today”.
I never get to join in open threads! They’re always at the wrong time of day for me! Wooo!
Applied for my dream job over the weekend. I’d be working for the same organisation but in the arts section dealing with literature stuff and it would be SO GOOD. Don’t think I have enough experience to get it, but a girl can dream… and this girl is also very good at bullshitting in interviews, so let’s just wait and see.
Also halfway through NaNoWriMo and I am so shocked at how easy it’s been for me! I actually wrote enough yesterday that I’m a day ahead – though I need to keep going as I have a friend visiting this weekend, so I’ll need those extra words stored up. I’ve never written anything longer than 4000-5000 words, and never been able to make myself write every day, but having that target – it’s amazing. I’m pretty confident I will get to 50,000 by the end of this month, then I’m having December off and will start revising it in January. Any other Toasties doing NaNo?
I AM DOING A NANO. I am actually several days behind, since my SAD flared up last week like whoa and my daily word count dropped to the triple digits. Whatcha workin’ on? Wanna be NaNo frenz?
I have only just seen this so you probably won’t but well up for some Toastie Nano frenz. I’m working on a romantic comedy of sorts, but as it’s based on the idea of like ‘what if people actually did all that crazy shit? They’d be dicks.’ it’s turning out to be quite sad. Hopefully still funny. If you want to add me actually on the site as a buddy, my username is persistent_exchanges.
Congratulations!! I too am doing NaNo, and yesterday I finally caught back up to the target word count after a week behind. I had a great weekend in terms of finally having something to write for a few days straight. I’ve mostly been struggling to figure out “what happens next,” so it’s been a lot of fun actually knowing where I’m going, if only temporarily.
I’m not technically doing NaNo, but in a stroke of weird timing, I started seriously working on a first draft of my novel in the last week of October, so I’ve been making an effort to work on at least a small bit every day and have written about 22k words since I started a couple days from the end of October. So that’s kind of satisfying.
The realization that I need to cut out about 40% of what I’ve written for pacing reasons whenever I start the editing phase is admittedly a little less satisfying, but I kinda saw that one coming.
That’s great! I’m not doing legit NaNo, but NaNo was my inspiration to begin and complete a draft of a full-length script project this month. It’s kinda-maybe-sorta saving my life. Deadlines are beautiful things.
Enjoy noveling!
Ooooh, congrats. I wanted to and got dreadfully sick just in time to miss the first entire week of anything in November. I’ve been considering throwing myself in well behind the starting gun and just doing it to do it. We should all friends each other up and have a Toast/NaNoWriMo thing happening.
I worked 10-3 on Saturday so I am phoning it in this afternoon which means time to actually comment on an open thread (hooray!). My work bestie is leaving at the end of this week and my work crush is away on holiday (boo!), so I’m focussing on fun things like researching Christmas gifts for my loved ones. What do you all buy your dads for Christmas? WHY ARE DADS SO HARD TO BUY FOR. I cannot possibly buy him ANOTHER book about maps.
I buy my dad Beauty Brands gift certificates for pedicures. My father is supremely confident in his masculinity. Fuck yeah, dad.
Ooh, if your dad is into maps, how about one of these? http://www.belowtheboat.com/ I have not taken the plunge and bought one myself, but I look at the website every several months and think maybe… 🙂
If there is a new Abraham Lincoln or baseball-related thing, my Dad is very easy to buy for. Other years, I have gotten him snack foods that he likes. This year I’m getting him the Hamilton biography, but I need some additional present to go with that, and I still haven’t figured out what that will be.
Ooh actually my Dad is a total history nerd and loves biographies and I feel would appreciate learning some American history perhaps? His general interests are science,history and classical music so he normally gets books about something to do with those.
For gifts, my dad reliably likes a) coffee and related accessories, b) Michael Connolly’s mystery novels, and c) the Beatles. This does not make for a vast plethora of options. For his birthday a few months ago, I resorted to a Beatles-themed coffee mug, so I have effectively run out of ideas. On my gift list, my entry for him just reads “??? gloves?”
Baked goods
If he has a favorite city, these map watercolor prints are beautiful
https://www.etsy.com/shop/turnofthecenturies
I try to get my dad experiences over things, at this point. Though he is relentlessly sentimental about his granddaughter, what with her being amazing, so well-framed pictures are usually among his gifts. I haaaaaaate giving people gift cards, but sometimes a contribution toward something I know he covets feels right.
Oh, and if he is an animal person, Defenders of Wildlife makes a great gift. Every year I adopt an animal family of some sort for my parents on behalf of my brother.
I have recently lost my Dad – he was very old (88) and very ill so I am sad but feel the inevitability. Anyway, he became IMPOSSIBLE to buy for in old age and I started getting him really beautiful bunches of flowers from the posh florist’s for Christmas. He has always loved flowers (so some Dads might not be so keen) and it made him happy.
Before that he was a shocker to buy for. I remember once buying him one of those “banana trees”, you know, a thing for hanging your bananas on. He liked bananas a lot, but only used it for a while.
Also, have been meaning to ask for a while, I know there’s a London Toastie group – any Manchester Toasties knocking around?
I’m currently a Liverpool Toastie – not sure how many of us there are in the NW?
NW might make more sense. Anyway, let’s seek them out.
I think you guys would love this short piece on women in Shakespeare from the New Yorker. I loved the part where they discussed training themselves to get rid of submissive body language in order to play male roles. Now I really want to see their play!
http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/11/16/wome…
Happiness sharing thread?
Between Paris and impending coursework deadlines, I’m a little ball of anxiety today. I barely made it to work (public transport between the two busiest stations in London) and I was useless all day. I’m on my way home now and I’d appreciate some love in whatever form available – gifs, stories, music, films.
My donation is a recipe for roast quinces! http://www.abc.net.au/tv/cookandchef/txt/s2264618…
Love you all
My contribution is this wonderful video of drunk girls getting surprised with puppies: https://youtu.be/0JboM-STb4E
My little brother has also been using google translate to text me ridiculous things in French all morning for no reason at all, which is one of my only bright spots today. little brothers, man.
Mine is not a recipe, but a concept for a dish that I’m going to try to share with the word: it was a parsnip/white chocolate mixture, kind of like a lightly beaten heavy cream texture, with a grapefruit syrup drizzle. Sooo freaking good. And christmas-y!
Ohhhhhh wow. That sounds incredible!!
I love this gif and never get to use it because it doesn’t really have a use for anything other than (I hope) generating a smile, so this seems like a good occasion to break it out.
I hope you feel better soon.
You and your gifs. Always here for us. So lovely x
Went through my goodie gumdrops folder for you. Have this thank you letter about a matchbox, it’s the loveliest thing. http://www.lettersofnote.com/2013/11/the-matchbox…
This is wonderful… Thank you so much for sharing, it’s exactly what I needed
Toasties, thank you all for your lovely wedding dress store suggestions last week!
This weekend, I went to many places to try on dresses and look with increasing dismay at the price tags (WOW is trying on giant heavy dresses exhausting!) and then on my way home I found a thrift store selling some cute sweaters, so I of course walked inside. What did I find in the very back of the store stuck in between several XXL men’s jumpsuits? LO AND BEHOLD, an adorable lacy, white, off-shoulder, short dress with a flouncy skirt that happens to be EXACTLY my size? It cost TEN DOLLARS. TEN. DOLLARS.
This bizarre luck never happens to me so maybe I should go buy a lottery ticket while I’m at it.
That’s amazing! Some of the best and fanciest dresses I own (or have owned) were thrift store finds.
I love thrift stores but I wasn’t having much luck trying to find a wedding dress that wasn’t horrendously ugly or clearly being sold as a costume at any of them. (Seems like all the places in my area that do secondhand wedding dresses have annual wedding dress sales and store them in warehouses the rest of the year, which is annoying.) So, I had sort of given up on finding anything decent in them until this happened!
Oh my gosh!!!!!! That’s amazing!
omg you are a wedding SORCERESS, how amazing!
adding that to my resume immediately! “freelance wedding sorceress available for all last-minute vendor snafus and snagged dresses.”
STOP that is amazing!!! Congrats – I bet you appreciate it even more after spending a day being pushed and pulled into froofery.
I am ashamed to admit I enjoyed being pushed and pulled into froofery more than I thought I would. I had a super nice saleswoman and an excellent friend with me, which made the experience great.
I am so not a girly girl but I loved wedding dress shopping, and took an absolute entourage with me. We all had lunch after and it was a lovely time. I am so envious of your thrift store find, though! Well done!
That sounds great! One of the other women who was there at the same time as me had a huge entourage with her and we ended up combining forces, it was a blast!
I’m not remotely girly either… I doubt I could tell you which end of the tube lipstick is supposed to come out of! I went into the David’s Bridal saying “I want a short contemporary dress with no lace and no beads and nothing girly and I ended up really enjoying the giant floofy princess dresses… I don’t even know who I am anymore! I also left the store thinking maaaaaybe I’d buy a long dress until I found the cute short one at the thrift store. I think the moral of this story is I am more indecisive than I realized and dresses are fun.
As my fiance wisely advised, since this dress was cheaper than going to a movie theater, I am totally within budget to change my mind and buy a floofy princess dress if I decide I need one.
Post a picture of you in it!!
Here’s it is! I’ve got to take in the shoulders slightly and iron the inside to get some of the wrinkles out of the bottom layer, but it’s a perfect fit otherwise! (Also will not be wearing jeans or a black tank top at the wedding, but you know)
SCALLOPED ON THE TOP??? SETTING THE TRENDS!!!!
Oh, isn’t that stunning! What a terrific look for you!
SO CUTE
Toasties, I am having A Day. I apparently failed to notice while getting dressed this morning that my dress is full of holes (I assume from moths, which is grossing me out) including one RIGHT ON THE BOOB. I’m wearing a cardigan so it isn’t too bad but I still feel like a dumbass.
I also forced myself to admit that the pain I’ve been having in my foot isn’t going away and that I probably need to see a doctor, which is really not good for my hypochondria/medical anxiety, and I just switched health plans so I don’t technically have a doctor right now? Hurray. And I got my period this morning and have crazy cramps AND I think I might have upset my best friend and she isn’t responding to my texts, which is also stressing me out.
BLERGH. Thanks for letting me vent, I will go throw myself into the sea now.
I’ve totally done the unnoticed boob-hole in the work clothing thing. Most awkward meeting ever.
Ugh I have moths, foot pain, and boob issues. Join hands as we leap to the sea?
Of course, let us meet on top of a Dramatic Cliff on a Dark and Stormy Day.
<3<3<3
Foot pain is the pits. I have plantar fasciitis, exacerbated in my right foot by the surgery done as an infant to correct my club foot. My doc (she’s awesome and is a DO, which I appreciate) gave me some stretches and shoe advice and told me to ice them down at the end of the day, and my life has been much improved. Hope you get some relief soon!
Thank you <3
I’ve been trying not to google but I suspect this is bunion-related which is slightly embarrassing because I just turned 23 but that’s what you get for wearing stupid impractical shoes and walking to work every day, I guess.
I’ve had bunions since my early teens, which have prevented me from ever wearing impractical shoes! Some of us are just LUCKY : )
Last week I arrived at work and only then noticed that I had put on a bright orange bra under a white shirt. And a few years ago I was at my desk before I realized I was wearing very fluffy white house shoes instead of work shoes. We all do it occasionally.
Sorry about the other issues. I hope your day gets much better.
We’ve totally all been there with the unnoticed wardrobe disasters. Today I was at a tour of a place I would really like to work at and then guess what? Bra strap showing. Nooo 🙁
a) Well, getting one layer closer to your boob is kind of a gift to the world. Right? So, yay for us, you benevolent goddess, you.
b) That sounds way stressful. But you aren’t dead yet. Chances are good that your best friend loves and will get over it and/or let you fix it or maybe is just off being stressed out on her own. Minimize your stress by at least looking up what doctors you are covered to see and looking them up on yelp and write down three names/numbers so you are prepared to get an appt when you are mentally up for it.
c) If you do throw yourself in the sea, make sure your mermaid bra doesn’t also have a hole or you will be super bummed.
I’m just going to spit it out. Please try not to judge me too harshly. It’s all in the comment below:
AGH, won’t let me do one comment:
Over the past 3 1/2 years I’ve had a predominantly-digital affair with a married man, something that I rationalized to myself as being important to my sexual self-discovery and attested it to an irresistible chemistry between us that still exists. I have had no ideas about him leaving his wife for me or anything of the sort, but Christ if this man can turn my crank like no other. We’ve taken breaks from it, and I’ve vowed to myself plenty of times to stop, but I just can’t seem to resist talking to him. This was a sensitive enough problem to deal with even though I’ve been single for the entire time we’ve been talking…
….. up until now. Six months ago, I met a guy who is wonderful. He truly understands me as a person, makes me feel almost instantly better when I’m in a mood, is incredibly kind and funny. I really like being around him. I really hate to admit it, but… I deal with some sexual dysfunction, which the elevated attraction to Married Man seemed to help with. I honestly do not know if I’ll be able to resist talking to Married Man while in this relationship. Am I the worst? Should I be alone forever because I clearly can’t figure my shit out?
LORD SHOW ME HOW TO SAY NO TO THIS
So is the sexual dysfunction related to Nonmarried Man…? Sounds like there might be two problems here, sexual dysfunction and Stuck on Married Man.
Also, of course an affair with no Serious Future is gonna be a lot different than a Relationship with Maybe a Future. Does the former sound more appealing and is that what’s giving you the hesitation?
I don’t want to do anything to hurt the BF, and I know if I did it behind his back, I’d feel terrible. And I don’t know why, but I don’t feel the same level of arousal with anyone else, including the BF, and that happens realllly rarely. Basically, I know that the Married Man and I have zero long-term relationship chances, but for me to even get close to coming, he’s the one in my head.
Maybe you need to really explore why you can only feel free to Fully experience sexual feelings a) mostly digitally, ie, not physically being touched by someone else, and b) with someone who is ‘safe’, in that cyber sex cant get you pregnant and in the sense that, being married, he is no threat to the independence of your future self.
This came out judgy, and I dont mean it that way, it just seems to me that there are symbolic/archetypal things going on with your sex drive that you might not see.
I think a lot of it has to do with sexual anxiety and not being able to fully relax with IRL people, and therefore not being able to achieve orgasm, but in the affair it’s all left to my imagination. I know there’s a lot of fucked up things going on in this situation. I just don’t know how to wean myself off.
hello, I have no direct practical advice, but I would like to recommend you read Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski, and also her blog, The Dirty Normal. Finding her blog was quite literally life-changing for me.
This may be super off but is there a chance you’ve conditioned yourself to Married Man= All The Arousal and Everyone Else = Not A Damn Thing? The reason I ask is when you say you have to think about him to get even close to coming I automatically think about when someone is used to getting off one way of course it’s going to be way harder for someone else to get them off a different way.
There can be something extraordinarily exciting about pushing right up against the boundary of what’s “allowed” and then transgressing it. Thrill of the forbidden, of transgressing, of wantingwantingwantingwantingwanting.
I am totally unqualified to give advice regarding sexual dysfunction beyond suggesting the possibility of talking to someone who can help you sort it out and maybe figure out the source and learn what to do about it, and I don’t want to make any comments about the married man because that’s between you, him, and maybe his wife (as far as I know she’s cool with it as long as it’s mostly digital or wouldn’t necessarily consider it cheating or whatever) but as for doing stuff behind the BFs back…any chance he would be interested in an open relationship? Also, I would recommend you have some idea of how against he is before even bringing it up – if he seems like he might be the type of person to consider it or if you already know he is totally against it or whatever. That might give you the time you need to deal with the other stuff and not hurt the BF or feel guilty about lying to him.
I’ve had one of those “unstoppable chemistry with an unavailable dude” situations, and it has definitely helped put the kibosh on one relationship (that ended for other reasons but Unavailable Dude didn’t help matters) and has probably hindered many others just because I was so invested in U.D. that I didn’t even try to meet other people. The one relationship I tried while I was still involved with U.D. – the one I mentioned above – gave me a fair amount of anxiety because my internal thought process went something like “Well, I really like this guy a lot… but I don’t want to have the exclusivity talk with him, even though I want to be exclusive with him, because I know without a doubt that when/if U.D. came to town I will sleep with him.” Which was fair to no one.
I finally moved on from U.D. after I leveled with him about the depth of my feelings and he (unfortunately) got kinda weird about it, so I took a break from talking to him and started investing in friendships without any sort of sexual flavoring. I agree with the Toasters above me, that maybe there’s a link in your brain (between the low-stakes affair and how it helps lessen your sexual dysfunction) that is not an unbreakable link, and you could work with a CBT therapist to rewire it?
Seriously, what a tough situation. I really hope it all works out in a way that makes you better and happier.
Thank you for this. It’s hard to reason with myself that it actually is a predicament when I’m not yelling at myself to stop being an idiot, he’s the worst, you’re morally reprehensible, etc. etc. I don’t want to depend on the thought of this man for sexual satisfaction. I want to not feel like I’m failing my boyfriend by not being able to move past this. I don’t want this to ruin what I have with my boyfriend, and I’m just not sure how to do it.
You are definitely none of those things!! And I bet you will have an orgasm again, even if you break things off with Married Man today. If stability and a solid relationship are things that you want, you know that you can’t have it with Married Man, and you probably have a decent shot at it with Boyfriend. I have a fair amount of neurosis around sex (thanks, Parents and Religion!), although I wouldn’t necessarily qualify it as a dysfunction?, but being in a stable, loving relationship dramatically helps things for me. Not saying that’s the magic solution, and trust me, way too many of the men I have that powerful animal attraction to are completely unavailable (as in married, or a priest, or gay, or…) so I’m no role model, but I think that the only – or at least the most obvious – way for you to ruin things with Boyfriend would be to sleep with Married Man without his knowledge/consent.
You’re not the worst. I think most of us have situations where we do things that would normally be against our own moral codes because those things are just *so compelling* and more tempting than they’ve ever been before. It’s not a nice thing, but it’s very very human.
It sounds like you already have a handle on some of the things that draw you to Married Man and the relationship you have with him, which is good. If you want advice on how to not let it interfere with your new relationship I would suggest this:
You send MM an email that says “I am in a relationship with a man I like a lot, please do not contact me.” Then you block him on your phone, in your email, on your facebook, wherever. Delete his number, delete all the old emails and texts, everything that has his contact information on it. Every other time you’ve taken breaks, you’ve still kept him in your back pocket for later. Maybe it’s time to remove that option?
You are doing something wrong, and the best thing to do when experiencing guilt and pain over doing a wrong thing is to stop doing the wrong thing. Self-flagellating isn’t going to help you feel better – behaving in the way you want to (not sneaking around, building real connections) will. I definitely agree with other posted advice to request he stop contacting you immediately and permanently, and to remove the option you have to contact him by deleting and blocking away. Especially if your current partner considers you exclusive.
You will feel better when you’re no longer hurting yourself or other people emotionally. You can condition yourself to not want the thrill of the “bad” thing. I honestly think a good therapist would be a great help in getting yourself on track to live and love how you want to, not in the way you’re used to. If you really don’t want to engage in this relationship, and truly view it as something that’s morally wrong, there’s likely some stuff you need to unpack as you quit it – it almost sounds like it’s become self-destructive behaviour. Good luck!
Seconding the suggestion of a therapist or counselor to help you through the disengaging process. Having a relatively unbiased listener who should be nonjudgemental (for me, people who practice a sort of Carl Rogers-y person-centered unconditional positive regard are a really good fit when I’m doing something harmful that I’m having trouble walking away from, because I usually find that I know it’s destructive … but I need help to create enough confidence and healthy boundaries and whatnot to disengage) can be a really really helpful thing. I’ve also had friends have very good luck with making positive changes in their lives by keeping a journal. Because I think the brain is very good at nudging us to do the thing we want in the moment, but less good at holding on to the big picture, and journals can help you articulate better the big picture, which makes it easier to resist some of the short term gratification things that can end up pushing you towards being the kind of person you don’t want to be overall.
Use the block feature? Delete him from your phone? In some ways, technology makes it easier to cut someone off than it used to be. I was with a guy that was really bad for me for a long time (and 100% the best sex of my life, could turn me on like no other) and part of what kept me stuck on him was the routine of chatting throughout the day. I think finding a trick to stopping the chit chat is probably important as anything else to getting past him.
I’ve been too busy/not ready to pursue other sexual relationships since cutting this guy out, but many people have assured me there will be good sex again, so I trust there’s a way to figure out how to get the sex stuff working for you without the married guy as catalyst. And it’s probably better to figure it out that way, so you have the problem solved in the long-term rather than feeling stuck like you’re dependent on this one unavailable man as the only possible solution to your sexual pleasure forevermore. It can seem like we work that way when we haven’t had other good experiences before, but I’m certain we don’t and there will be other good solutions too, you just gotta find them/figure them out.
That sounds very painful.
You’re not the worst, but you sound like you know you are transgressing in ways you personally find unacceptable, that are hurting you, and have the potential to hurt others. It also sounds like you’re doing some serious justification to avoid calling a spade a spade. That’s a recipe for heartache and disaster. There’s no way this ends well if you don’t change something. For my own ideology, you deserve to have free, full access to your own sexuality, and that means not being dependent on any sexual partner, available or not.
I very much recommend finding a therapist you click with to work on disengaging from behavior that while seemingly gives you access to something valuable in reality is also your excuse for not seeking that good outcome in a viable, sustainable, healthy way. It seems like you are spending a lot of time beating yourself up while still carrying on with the activity. That doesn’t help anyone. You *can* change this, and you can be happy and fulfilled without this situation.
You can resist Married Man, but you have to want to. It has to matter. It also has to stop being a way to sabotage whatever scarier thing this is permitting you to not deal with head-on. If just wanting to stop or knowing you “should” stop isn’t enough, take away access. Give someone else your phone. Block his number and email. Stop going places you might see him. Tell someone else about this so that you are held accountable outside of your own head, where it will be easy to keep justifying immediate gratification.
You don’t need him. You need to be free, to heal whatever dysfunction you’re experience and to create a sexual life that doesn’t violate your well-being or anyone else’s.
Good luck to you.
Commenting under a different name than usual to tell you, I am familiar with what you are going through. I had an affair with a married friend off an on for over a year, and every goddamn time I said I would stop I didn’t. The thing that ended it was him moving thousands of miles away. And I didn’t have a computer. And it was before smartphones.
My biggest turn-on is breaking certain kinds of rules. These days I use angsty fanfiction as a release valve for that.
So no judging or advice. Just empathy and a hug.
Hi, all. I posted this down deep in Friday’s OT, so am reposting! If anyone would like to follow along on honeymoon adventures, MrChouffe’s Flickr is a good way to do so. Whales, etc.
Will it be stalkery if I follow him on there so I don’t have to keep remembering where the page is? Always up for whale pictures! Am happy to unfollow when you’re home if it is weird!
Go for it!!
Beautiful! I love some of the things he chooses to photograph–trees, pavement texture, and oh my gosh, that gorgeous water. Thank you for sharing!
<3
I live where you are honeymooning. Hope you’re enjoying yourself! It looks like you are, from the pictures. (I’ve done that hike and I’ve been to that brewery!) I confess, I’ve been wondering recently if any of the adorable hand-holding couples around town are you guys. I keep squinting to see if the Toastiness will reveal itself.
Governor Baker of Massachusetts just said that MA won’t be allowing any Syrian refugees in, as of now.
http://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/2015/11/16/baker…
I’m angry and sad, Eliza. I understand the need for security, but is it so hard to understand that these refugees are victims, not terrorists? Why is it so easy to just lump all foreigners together and close ourselves off? Why does fear always trump compassion?
ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh why does MA continue to elect these god awful Republican governors. He’s the worst.
Ugh I just saw this. WTF Massachusetts? Walsh is on board, so it’s also not just the Republicans. MA has such long, strong history of taking in refugees, and this just sucks so much.
Governor Mike Pence of Indiana (the state in which I currently live) made the same announcement. 🙁
ugh, our governor (IL) just said the same thing. It’s so ignorant of history and politics, and I don’t know whether it’s worse if the governors genuinely believe those people are threats or if they’re just jumping on a bandwagon.
I heard my mom tell her “how my family came to the US” story a couple times last week, and it sounds so familiar, it’s just the 1930s/Germany version. It’s so easy to picture governors 50 years from now, celebrating Syrian-American culture and railing against the next wave of refugees.
I live in NC and our governor has said the same thing and it is so upsetting. I am very much with you on feeling angry and sad about it.
I keeping hearing murmurs about a toast book club. Is this a thing? Where can I find out info?
If there is, please let me know too! I love to read and would love to read toasty recommendations
It was arranged a couple weeks back (I think) in a Link Roundup (I think, again). We’ve been communicating by email since (choosing the book mostly), and our first meeting (by chat, about our first book, Girl Waits With Gun) is going to be this Saturday. Not sure if that would give you time to read the first book/attend the first meeting, but this round has been managed by the Toastie who first suggested it (and whose name here I have forgotten because I fail, though it might be similar to their email??), that you can reach via email at hawthorncrataegus(at)gmx.com. Hope that helps!
Hopefully you saw the replies to this thread – definitely email me if you’re interested!
I will, thank you!
I hope Hawthorn_Tree doesn’t mind me pasting her call to action from last week’s thread: “ALSO, anyone interested in an online toastie book club should email me (hawthorncrataegus (at) gmx (dot) com), if you haven’t already! We’re going to be talking about Girl Waits With Gun on November 21st, over Google Hangouts unless someone suggests something better. “
It was arranged a couple weeks back (I think) in a Link Roundup (I think, again). We’ve been communicating by email since (choosing the book mostly), and our first meeting (by chat, about our first book, Girl Waits With Gun) is going to be this Saturday. Not sure if that would give you time to read the first book/attend the first meeting, but this round has been managed by the Toastie who first suggested it (and whose name here I have forgotten because I fail, though it might be similar to their email??), that you can reach via email at hawthorncrataegus(at)gmx.com. Hope that helps!
My boss is such an asshole. Our administrator’s father passed away Friday (very ill, expected) and the funeral was today. She called in to say she would probably be back Wednesday depending, and because my boss is away all week I emailed him to let him know. His response? “Did she say there was anything urgent to get done?”
She’s burying her father today so I’m thinking not. Also you couldn’t be bothered to send flowers, so the rest of us are doing it and expensing it. Fuck off.
In addition to the rest of this week’s horror, I spent last weekend at a funeral for an aunt who died of cancer recently. I wouldn’t mention this here, but reading the comfortingly sane comments here today, I realized that she truly embodied the Spirit of the Toast. (As much as there can be one.) In a family of feminists, she was the most outspoken feminist I knew. She did not back down from a good argument, and routinely called out my father (love him otherwise) when he tried to play Devil’s Advocate or bring up conservative talking points. She spent the last years of her life getting more active rather than less, raising her (awesome) daughter, helping other family members with cancer, teaching at her church, and learning pottery and getting a tattoo. Also, most Toastly, she was a goddamn Librarian. I’ll miss ignoring football with her. Goodbye and may you Take to the Great Sea in the Sky.
She sounds like a delightful woman, and if anyone could be designated a Guardian Angel of the Toast, it’s her
Thank you for your kind words, and she was!
I’m so sorry for you. She sounds amazing.
Thank you for your kind words!
Goddamn she sounds like a great lady.
She was, and thank you.
I bet she will be very much missed. I am sorry you will miss her, though, and am glad that you had the time with her that you did.
She will be – thank you very much.
What is a deep Mood yesterday–couldn’t read, couldn’t think, restless watching TV, too tired to go for a walk, too jittery to take a nap, full of self-loathing. So I got into the bathtub and set up Netflix on my IPad and gave Miss Fishers’ Murder Mysteries a try. THANKS TOASTIES. Bad Mood cured!
I prescribe a regimen of at least two Miiss Fisher’s for any somewhat bad mood
Autocorrect got me again: WAS IN a deep Mood…
I was in a similar boat yesterday & wanted to lounge on my couch doing nothing, but also really wanted to watch Pushing Daisies (my go-to pick-me-up of a show). Netflix is sans Pushing Daisies though, so I finally took the advice of Toasties & started Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries & I AM IN LOVE. How have I avoided it for so long?!?!?!? I want a silk robe like hers so I can wake up & saunter around my apartment feeling FABULOUS.
I have lost my Pushing Daisies DVDs, which is a tragedy. It is definitely a Happy Place show.
I flew from LA to London on Thursday and Sutan Amrull, aka Raja, aka WINNER OF RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE was on my plane, sitting a few rows away from me. After the flight, I approached him, like a massive creep (because honestly, who wants to talk to anyone with 10 hrs worth of plane stink on you?) to say a belated congratulations on winning and that I thought he was amazing, and he was lovely and cordial and very attractive and it made me feel significantly less homesick for LA for about 3 hours.
What! Raja is my all-time favorite Drag Race contestant. Cool to hear that he’s nice in person.
OMG Raja! That sounds like a fantastic encounter. The only thing that would make that better is if he asked you to stomp down the center aisle with him like the Queen he is and forever will be.
(I love Ru Paul’s Drag Race, can you tell?)
WHAT omg you win.
SUTAN! I’ve loved him since he was on America’s Next Top Model and I was so excited when he showed up on Drag Race. I would have fangirled all over him if I were you.
After doing my best impression of a hungover Bertie Wooster for most of last week, I have finally recovered from the awful flu-like virus thing I contracted from my nephew. Get rid of your toddlers, Ladies, they are disgusting.
Despite being super-behind, and now having to do two weeks of work in three days, all I really want to do is talk to you all. November has sapped my work ethic.
ugh kids are such germ factories. My happy hour friend date was scuttled last week due to head lice, even. Poor friend, the whole thing is a grody nightmare that really gets into your head. No pun intended. Anyway, the kiddos are now love-free and happy hour is rescheduled. Still though. I’m itchy.
Ugh, headlice. All the posh private grade schools around here have endemic head lice, and as a result there are pricey head lice consultants who will take lots of your money to rid your life of lice. The public schools don’t seem to have the same problem, though.
Not having children myself (but having had to use lice-ridding shampoo in the third grade, which took care of the problem) I find it all highly amusing.
Children are disgusting, and our future. Our disgusting future.
(writes down “hungover Bertie Wooster” on list of potential Halloween 2016 costumes)
You’ll need:
1: a rumpled tuxedo
2: a policeman’s helmet
3: someone to play jeeves
I work in public ed, and we’re waiting on a Major Data Release. Right now everyone in my department is wandering around muttering “WHERE’S THE DATA???? WHERE’S THE DATA????” under their breaths. How they manage to make it so urgent and yet still keep the mutterings under their breaths is beyond me.
In completely mundane news, I made this rice and chickpeas thing for lunch to day, but it is actually too spicy, I can’t eat more than a few bites at a time. It’s delicious, but it’s going to take me forever to eat it.
If you can eat yogurt, yogurt is the answer.
Foolishly, I ate my yogurt BEFORE lunch.
YOGURT! This is what yogurt was invented FOR.
If you were in Austin, I would gladly take it off your hands. “Too spicy” is not a state I have encountered much in my life (see also: too much garlic).
Wheee! Had been thinking about posting in a future open thread, but now that I’ve seen this I’ll take the plunge.
Sex talk! What’s the best way to uh, communicate what you like/don’t like/doesn’t really work for you sexwise?
Context: I’m reasonably late to this whole doing-it-with-other-people thing, so while I know how to get myself off very efficiently, there’s some things which are still in the trial and error phase. But well, for the things I do know – I struggle to figure out how to tell the other party that ‘No actually, use your fingers like that.’ I guess I just worry that I’m being too pedantic? Like, it still feels good for the most part – just not amazing?
Toasties, how would you approach this?
you use your words! also, “ouch” if it’s actually uncomfortable works pretty well. or a gentle gliding hand. and if it feels pedantic in the moment, say something after or during a nonsexy time. “hey, that thing…it’s kind of better if it’s like this.” while first dating, my partner really liked one thing, and i hated it. and i tried to maneuver my way out, and he would maneuver his way back. a conversation later, we talked about what about it felt good to him, what about it i didn’t like, and now we have a thing that works. sex is a conversation.
Kinda depends on how you like to communicate. If you’re big on words, maybe before you have sex, say something like “Hey, it turns me on to give directions to my partner during sex. Is that cool with you?” or, if you’re not a talker, “I’d love to guide your hands and fingers to show you exactly how I like it–would that turn you on?” Try to make the communication part of the sex itself.
I’m just straight forward with it, and frame it as fun too. I mean, your partner should want to make you feel good, and trying new things in bed is fun. So when something is happening that’s not what you want, just say it straightforwardly–Will you move your fingers like this? You can also have the other person watch you masturbate or masturbate with you, so your partner can see how you please yourself.
Also, I know not everyone likes Dan Savage, but he talks about how women have been conditioned to not speak up during sex, and that if a man wasn’t getting what he wanted, you know! So don’t be afraid to speak up! There’s nothing wrong with getting what you want.
I’ve been in a similar situation, trying to figure out how to go about sex instructions while being immensely afraid of hurting anyone’s feelings. Turns out your partner actually wants to get your feedback so that they can be nicer to you. Pretty nice logic, right.
Don’t be afraid of sounding too blunt (overly polite and winding discussions are not your friend in the heat of the moment). Say what’s not quite working for you and mention what you would like in the form of “but I love when you…”. The person who’s in bed with you really wants to please you and will only appreciate getting to do so.
P.S. miscommunication can lead to fun things when solved, though. My shyness led my partner to think that I didn’t like him going down on me for six months. That got sorted out at some point, but he still believes that he showed me the light in that department and feels like it’s a special treat for him. (Sometimes, the cartoon feminist in me believes that to be my greatest achievement in life)
Generally, I just say “no, actually, use your fingers like that”, but I have been having sex with the same person for 15 years, so that might just be a result of being comfortable enough not to worry about it too much. Also experience has taught me that in general people like to be given instructions and aren’t that messed up about presentation – if you are telling them what you like it takes the pressure off of them to try to guess.
Also helpful to me was thinking about how I would like it presented to me. I prefer straightforward direction, so that’s what I go with. I mean straightforward with no judgments attached. If someone said, “God, that is so weird stop doing that there is something wrong with you, do this instead” it would probably bother me. But just “do this” is totally fine.
In retrospect, sex partners who refused to listen to me in other respects generally did not respect or listen to me in general. And it can be hard to talk about sex while you are doin it! I have a great partner now but it still took me a couple of years before I could really articulate to him what does and does not work for me. The easiest thing I have found is to, as someone else suggests, talk about sex at non sexy times. Also to make it an open ongoing conversation with room for both partners.
Edited to remove some TMI but also to recommend something (VEERRRRRRY NSFW):
Oh Joy Oh Sex Toy is a sex-positive comic which talks about all kinds of things like consent, gender-queerness, and of course sex toys. Looking at it with a partner can be education AND arousing! Also can help some with the conversation starters.
I am pedantic in bed. I cannot help with that. But maybe you will find partners into that?
I am almost kidding. There is some great advice here. My favorite tactic is to make talking about turn-ons and playing show and tell as a form of foreplay. Phone sex is also a good way to throw out some suggestions/requests. And, you know, if you ask for something outright and it goes badly, it’s a springboard to figuring out how you and your partner do want to talk about sex.
If you were to nudge ‘no actually, use your fingers like that,’ into ‘let me show you something I love/gets me off’ then I think you already have a winning strategy.
Toasties, I have been taking the University of Iowa writing MOOC, and writing stories for the very first time! and they are not bad!
But now the course is almost over, & I am sad, because this is been such a great experience and I wish it could continue.
Does anyone know of any similar writing groups or courses?
and, where might a very fledgling story writer try to send things?
Wondering myself, actually…
It helps to find literary magazines publishing the kind of work you’re interested in. And to read them, because there’s really great work being published in lit mags. I have decided it’s impossible both to submit widely enough to have a good chance of publication, and to give an attentive reading to all the venues where you might submit, BUT I try to pick up new magazines regularly and learn what I can. Normal School is a personal favorite of mine. Also One Story, and The Sun, and Blackbird which is all online. A lot of universities are running interesting magazines. A lot of these places don’t pay, unfortunately. But you can ferret out the ones that do if that’s a priority for you. Duotrope is a good resource, though a lot of their info is only available to paying subscribers; The Review Review regularly publishes reviews of lit mags. Looking through a Pushcart or Best American anthology with an eye to the publication credits can give you an idea of what venues are publishing the work you find exciting.
(As I give this advice I am reminding myself to follow it; I haven’t been taking much time to submit my own work lately…)
thank you! I have not really been a literary magazine reader, but starting there is a good idea.
What sorts of things are you writing? If it’s speculative/sci fi/fantasy in any way I can definitely recommend places.
Don’t have any specific classes, but one thing I will recommend is that if you have a bit of free time and find a publication you enjoy, try to get on their slush reading staff. A lot of times those positions are volunteer (generally, you read a few stories per week and decide on what to pass on to the editors.) I was a slush reader for a few months and it honestly taught me more than any writing course I ever took about *why* certain things work or fail, and it helped me get a feel for what my peers were submitting. It was only after that that I started to get a few acceptances sprinkled in my rejections, and I definitely think it is the biggest reason.
that is a very cool idea, which would never have occurred to me on my own, thanks!
Oh, and I enjoy reading speculative/sci fi/fantasy immensely, but none of the work I’ve ended up doing so far has been speculative work.
Poets and Writers has a database of literary magazines, and you can filter it by acceptance rate, circulation, whether they pay, etc. It’s very literary-fiction based, though, so it doesn’t include magazines that focus on speculative fiction. Duotrope has a more comprehensive database, but you have to pay to use it.
Also, you can submit to the Toast!
eh, strangely I’m more nervous about submitting fiction to the Toast than a random magazine, because you guys all live here!
The Publishing Lab from Columbia College usually puts together very nice up-to-date lists, and the descriptions/info about the different markets/journals is usually a lot more detailed than a typical list.
http://students.colum.edu/publishing-lab/index.ph…
Thank you, I’ll check through 🙂
Fallout 4 thread? I am enjoying it so much! This weekend I walked the Freedom Trail (in game), fought crime as a old timey radio show character, and palled about with the greatest decrepit robot detective in all of Boston.
I did have a moment of hilarious WTFness when I gave said robot detective companion a missile launcher to hold because I was over the weight limit and I just needed him to hang onto it while we fast travelled back to sanctuary. As soon as I closed the inventory menu, a baby mirelurk (like, the least threatening enemy ever) hatched near us and he wildly overreacted by pulling out the missile launcher and SHOOTING ME DIRECTLY IN THE BACK WITH IT. Thanks, buddy!
Enjoying it here too! Though I’m not as far along as I’d like, due to continually getting distracted by crafting and building (I’ve got my Adhesive situation under control, but I’m constantly eyeing Codsworth and wondering how much Copper and Screws he’ll produce when scrapped). I’ve been surprised at least twice by Surprise Deathclaws. I’m leveling up my science skills to make the Best Laser Sniper Rifle Ever. Also, I think this is the first time I’ve ever played a game set in a place I’ve lived, and the geography of Boston over in the Cambridge and Brookline areas is continually confusing me, though I’ll sometimes run into places I know like Harvard Square or the Chestnut Hill Reservoir, but everything in between is gone. Anywho, I’m gonna romance everyone, and here’s my (pre-Wasteland) character, who ended up being a weird combo of Archie Panjabi and Mindy Kaling:
So pretty! I am also semi-local (I work in the Financial District). My building isn’t in the game, as I am guessing there never was a Brutalist architecture period. It’s definitely a compressed scale – Rowe’s Wharf (ish) and the Paul Revere statue aren’t quite in touching distance of the airport in real life, but at least they are all pretty much correct in terms of their respective orientation on the map.
Since the main character is voiced by the same voice actor as Jack from Mass Effect, I feel like part of her secretly pleased that she’s now free to wreck shop and be a total badass in the post-apocalypse.
I actually considered just making Jack from Mass Effect as my character, but chickened out (not enough tattoos, and I’m terrible at replicating faces using character creators). Now, however, I wish I’d made Cassandra from DA:I, because holy shit: http://kerfufflecat.tumblr.com/post/133007947214/…
Adhesive! Always the limiting reagent. So painful when you just modified your gun as good as it will go with your current supplies, then immediately find something better as loot.
I’m enjoying it except that it refuses to run in fullscreen on my PC. Whhhhyy? Anyway, I am so far trying to stick to the main plot for REVENGE, so have hot footed it to diamond city where I will charm everyone into submission without firing a single shot (well, that’s the plan).
Have you tried windowed mode, no borders? I switched to that to see if the mouse would respond better (still a little sludgy in game).
Mr. Blazes plays and I alternate watching and playing something else on the laptop. I have absolutely no console-game skills (what even is a controller?) but I enjoy the story lines and he mostly doesn’t mind when I’m being a backseat driver.
I heard the PC version was ultra buggy (Mr is playing on XBox One) and has had some instability but not terrible.
My wife was out of town this weekend so I spent the time playing this and the new Starcraft campaign. I like that your companions seem to have a lot more personality than other Beth games like Skyrim (though I’ve only used Piper so far, before that I was wandering around with Dogmeat).
It is way too easy to sink a bunch of time in caring for your settlements. I just wish there was an easy way to transfer items between them (maybe a building at a higher level?). I’m really glad there is a good use for junk in this game, the crafting and building is very fun.
My girlfriend is playing it for me. We’re dating Piper, who is OBVIOUSLY gay, and its AMAZING. Also the rest of the game is great, too, I guess, but PIPER.
I made everyone in my immediate family take that which founding father are you quiz from last open thread. Two Washingtons and three Jeffersons with me still as the lone Hamilton mixing things up. Then I had to read the descriptions out loud to everyone. When it came to the Hamilton one my father may or may not have fistbumped and said ‘YES!’ at an obnoxiously loud volume. He then went on to ask me if I had any idea how difficult that was to parent. Oh well. At least I kept things interesting for them.
Always look on the bright side.
(I just took it – got James Madison, which I 100% knew going in that I was going to get) (It’s accurate)
Also! Received news this week that my husband is almost certainly going to be posted to an even smaller town a few hours away next spring, meaning that another move is in the offing (and all the other bonuses like finding a new job and buying a new house and making some friends and stuff)! I’m excited because it’ll be a new start, but I really really love our little house. (I hate my job, though.) Ups and downs. And I can always begin to try to up my game, writing wise, and put even more time into my blog and articles!
Good luck with the job hunt and house selling!
Any Milwaukee Toasties out there? I realized over the weekend that I’ll be moving there two months sooner than originally anticipated, so I am still adjusting to that reality, but I am excited about moving to a smaller city (from Chicago).
I did the opposite of that move last year! I feel like, and I’ve heard from other folks too, that Milwaukee really is like a small-town version of Chicago. I never knew as many neighbors or ended up running into the same people over and over again in any other place I’ve lived.
I can’t wait! One thing I loved about growing up in a smaller town was the familiarity with the people around me. I haven’t had that in Chicago, so I’m excited to experience it again.
Milwaukee >>>>>> Chicago
(I lived just outside of MKE for a year, and have friends & relatives there. You’ll love it! Hang at the Public Market, check out the breweries, eat at Beans & Barley.)
Ex-Milwaukee Toast here, seconding the Public Market and Beans & Barley. The former I used to walk to on summer Fridays from my job and get massive scoops of coconut ice cream for lunch dessert. The latter is still where I pick to go when I’m home visiting my parents. So good, both of them!
Thanks! Ice cream is my favorite food, so I will remember this! My friends live around the block from Beans & Barley, so I have a feeling it will become a staple in my life in the not so distant future!
You should make a trip to Gilles’ in Wauwatosa, the frozen custard stand of my people. My dad grew up a few blocks from there.
Literally the first thing my friends did when I visited them a few months ago was take me to Beans and Barley. Mmmmmm! And then the next time, we went to the Public Market and ordered a huge number of desserts from one of the bakeries. :):)
I’m actually looking at living outside of the city proper- may I ask whereabouts you lived?
Waukesha. Don’t live there. (It’s boring and super conservative. Cheap, though.) I’m not that familiar with the other suburbs, but friends of mine live in Wauwatosa and seem to really like it.
I am! Well, I live about 30 min. west of the city, but for all intents and purposes I’m MKE located.
Milwaukee is a fun little Big City. Pretty much anything in the Third Ward is great. Winters are a bitch, but since you’re coming from Chicago, you should be well-prepared on that front!
I watched Broadchurch season 1 this weekend instead of finishing my homework and I have no regrets about it. I loved it even though it was dark and the killing turned out to be for a reason I had really hoped would NOT be the reason. And for the first time I understood why people think David Tennant is sexy.
Same, re: Tennant.
I really like this show a lot. I know the second season wasn’t reviewed all that well, but I enjoyed it!
What a great, dark, beautiful series. I showed it to my boyfriend recently and every time an episode ended he would grab my leg and yell, “BABE this SHOW!”
That is the side-eye to end all side-eyes. I am duly chastened.
To each their own, friend! No chastening was intended, but when else shall I have the opportunity to use this sublimely unsexy Tennant “whut” pic, I ask you!
This has been on my way too long to-get-to-at-some-point list. Should I move it up?
YES!!!
Yeah I had a similar reaction. :/ good show, though.
My first OT post–your commenting ferocity is overwhelming. But! I know The Toast Librarian Legion* is mighty:
I’ve completed some major assignment kinds of things in the past week and am now four weeks from graduating with my MLIS–and I’m pretty amped! Add to this that my poster proposal was accepted for a national conference! All the amped-ness to the point that I’m distracted from the current and impending job search doom. I’m searching for art lib or VR-related jobs. Give me your tales of woe, tales of success, advice for searching/interviewing/job getting, and good wishes.
*watching the Odyssey read through last week may have impacted my vocabulary. meh. IT WAS AMAZING.
I am more of a Hairpinner than a Toastie and was just scrolling through the comments to see if people know what’s going on over there, but then I saw your post and was compelled to comment! I work in VR at a museum, and it’s such a niche thing that I had to say hello! You probably already know these things, but I would suggest looking at the Visual Resources Association website for jobs, and the American Association of Museums (assuming you’re in the states). If you can figure out who the correct contact person is for any local VR collections at universities, libraries, or museums, they’re probably longing for a well-qualified volunteer if you’re looking to get some experience while you apply for jobs. I know I would love to receive an email from someone like you! 🙂 Sending good wishes your way!
Hey Toasties.
Got a job offer on Friday. Thought about it all weekend. Still no idea what I want.
I used to be so good at knowing what I wanted with my gut. This one is leaving me totally confused.
ARGH.
Are you familiar with the coin toss trick?
I ammmm…. It still wasn’t working (although I just tossed mental coins, not real ones. Maybe cold hard cash would have helped hahaaaa). I think I really just needed more time and a bit more information. The clouds were not parting, even in the face of a coin toss.
But actually I’ve had some breakthroughs in the last… hour, I guess. I think I’m staying? Probably?
I actually talked to my boss about it. One half for his wise counsel (while he has a vested interest, he also does care about me). One half for manipulative “don’t fuck around with my bonus and my increase, pals, I am WANTED and MARKETABLE” purposes.
Could I solicit a few success stories?
I am in the process of moving to a city I’ve been dying to live in for nearly a decade. A decade ago it wasn’t this expensive monstrosity and I hear of locals hating new comers and all that lovely stuff.
But I am trying to do the smart things like looking up apartments/roommates, applying to jobs, signing up for temp agencies and so on. However I’ve been in this friendless limbo for the last five years due to friends moving away, me moving from town to town due to family obligations, and the economy just sucking.
Some days I just despair that it’s always going to be this way.
I’m from a city where people complain, but really honestly I think people just complain as a sort of humble-brag about how cool said city is and how special it must be because so many people want to move there. And in my experience, the people who tended to be most obnoxious about new comers, were people who had moved about 2 or 3 years earlier. I don’t think most locals hated new comers at all.
But moving to a new city is really really tough, but making friends is totally possible. Maybe there are some other folks who also recently moved? Or a toast meet-up group for the area?
I moved to a new city nigh unto 8 years ago. My first move as an adult (not for school) and with no job lined up on the other end. The only people I knew was my brother, sis in law & 2 baby nieces. 10 days after arriving my brother receives notice his job is transferring him to a bitterly cold northern hinterland state and since I’ve just moved, I refuse to move again so I’m left behind. I had found a job (luckily) but worked in an extremely small business (like 3 people total) so have no social outlet. I joined meet up groups. I joined a sports ball and social club (play kickball, drink beer after!). Somewhere along the way I met a few very close friends and my future husband. Switched jobs a couple of times. Got very very comfortable being by myself.
Like your area, the place I moved to got very expensive and dislikes outsiders but there’s enough outsiders that it doesn’t really matter where you are from anymore . You can do it!
It’s Austin, right? Sounds like Austin. It really was different a decade ago 🙁 But! If I am right and you are coming to my fair city, maybe we can grab a drink and I’ll see if I can help you out with the friendless limbo thing?
People who say they hate newcomers are jerks, but I think what they really hate isn’t the actually people that move so much as the traffic that gets worse every day and the parking that gets harder and how the grocery stores get more crowded and rent goes up, etc. etc. Just the typical bitching about change. All that stuff is real and a pain, but there’s still a lot that’s cool here.
And now you’re gonna saw “nope, it’s Seattle” or something and I’m gonna feel silly.
Haha! I was talking about Austin above. I think the traffic is really a legitimate complaint, because there is just such a terrible infrastructure and the highways are a mess. But the sighing over the glory days, which according to my parents where the 1980s, when there was the Armadillo World Headquarters and Townes Van Zandt, etc. etc. etc. is ridiculous. Not that they’re serious about it, but I do think that most people tend to peg the Austin heyday to the decade they arrived. It’s kind of a hipster city that way, but don’t let that get you down! I think folks are really really friendly under all that posturing.
But ditto, re egg on my face if it’s Seattle. Or Portland. That would be kind of classic actually.
Heh. I am in Austin currently. I lived here previously, left for school and then work for a long stretch, and came back, and it cracks me up when people malign newcomers or go on about the halcyon days of yore. Everything was always better back when… except it wasn’t. People think a place did all the changing when they changed, too, and if we’re talking more than ten years, those are pretty dramatic personal changes.
Ha, that was my EXACT thought. It’s got to be Austin. I moved to Austin in the 90’s had a hell of a time and left four years ago when I got laid off from the daily paper. A lot of what I loved about the city is gone, both geographically and culturally, but cities have to grow and change to survive. I don’t particularly like the growth and change Austin’s undergoing since so many people who made Austin interesting and cool to me can’t afford to live there anymore or decided they didn’t want to battle the traffic and the California money, but you don’t get anywhere fetishizing the past. If that’s where your heart is calling you, go. Be a good, responsible citizen and have a good time.
I was at a get-together (dinner party? Oh shit am I old enough for dinner parties?) yesterday and there was a fellow who had just moved to Portland from NYC.
I was only able to speak with him briefly, but he seemed to find the complete absence of Yankee work ethic refreshing, even if the rent is too damn high.
I will say I moved to another town (pre-Portland) cold turkey, knowing literally no one there, and ended up with the best community of people. I miss them every day. Portland is good too, but there’s nothing like a small town for making it easy to pick out friends.
One of the moves will be the best move of your life. Keep the faith!
I just moved, and am feeling despairingly friendless and weirdly unmotivated to do things to get new friends because they won’t immediately be like my bestie bestest friends whom I have known for over ten years. Yeah, my logic is amazing.
That said, screw the locals who want to be superior about having gotten there first or having been born there. That is a tiny percentage of people versus the rest of the locals who do not give a rat’s ass and would be happy to make new friends.
However, re: friendless limbo of despair, it will end. If it is what you want, you can make it happen. Just do things to facilitate it and then be patient.
Relationship drama below – please advise!
So, I’ve been dating a dude for a few months now, and things have been going well! He’s smart and fun, etc. However – there’s always however – he met my friends for the first time at a party recently and it did not. go. well. Basically, he was kind of nervous, so he drank waaaaay too much early in the evening. (Normally when we’re out he drinks in moderation.) He proceeded to act like an ass the rest of the night, telling some really inappropriate jokes. It wasn’t great.
At home I told him that he hadn’t exactly put his best foot forward, and he was immediately mortified and hugely apologetic.
Here’s the thing – I really like this person, and I do think that this is a pretty singular incident of alcohol getting the best of him. But at the same time, this was not great, and I’m not sure what to say to my friends. What do I do?
Watchful waiting. Go out with him some more to see if this is a pattern, or if it was just a one-time catastrophe. And maybe this is a sign you should move slowly with this guy, just in case. Sometimes people with addiction problems can hold things together for a long, long time.
I mean, I don’t think(?) this is an addiction thing. I’ve been around him in social settings with his friends and family, and mostly he’s a no more than 4 beers at a party type. I’m thinking of giving things another go with my other friend group to make sure that this is an isolated incident, rather than a pattern.
Unless it looks like this is turning into a regular pattern, I would give him the benefit of the doubt, accept his apology. You say it really does seem like a one-time thing, and more importantly, that he has acknowledged his actions. If he had tried to write it off as no big deal, that might be a red flag, but it seems as if he knows he’s made an ass of himself and feels bad about it. (And speaking as someone who has been there, it is entirely possible that he is replaying the evening in his head and cringing.)
In terms of your friends, I would tell them what you told us here: that the behavior they witnessed was not typical, and that although you’d love for them to give him another chance, you understand that they’re under no obligation to do so. If they’re open to the idea, maybe suggest trying again in a non-drinking social setting and see how it goes.
Maybe introduce friends, especially close friends, one at a time in low key environments which would give everyone a low stress, low stakes time to get to know each other better.
Definitely agreed. I tend to drink more heavily than I should when I’m in large, unfamiliar, or uncomfortable social situations (instead of, like, making friends with the cat or just leaving early) and have always appreciated the passes and apology-accepted’s that my friends have given me. Maybe in these one-at-a-time, low-key meet-ups, your boyf can acknowledge to your friends that he showed his ass a little and he’s sorry. If I were your friend in that scenario, that would go a long way.
I’d add to the above excellent advice to be wary of people who are asses when they are drunk. Like, more ass-full than is typical of your average drunk person, especially if it involves nastiness or maliciousness or disrespect (this may not be the case with this dude you’re dating but I feel strongly enough to comment about it in case it is).
In this case it’s not so much maliciousness or disrespect than a gregarious personality getting waaaaaay too gregarious. Just, like, too many awkward jokes and karaoke. But still, it was really not ok considering it was the first time meeting my friends.
Oh, yes, benefit of the doubt, I think. If it’s a one-off, it’s a forgiveable one. But watch him! If it’s a pattern, then you need to do some harder thinking, probably.
Story time: first time my intended met my mother, he drank too much red wine after a busy week and busy Friday, and fell asleep at the dinner table before dessert. (To be fair to him, he was nervous and then my mom was weird and rude – a sure way to make him drink too much.) Humiliating for both of us, a little, but now my mom loves him. But he still falls asleep at her house pretty regularly. He has quite the rep for falling asleep places.
Is your boyfriend me and my brothers? Cause we definitely have a rep for falling asleep places.
So I posted on Friday about how I’d had two job interviews last week, and asked for positive vibes. Well, it turns out that Toastie positive vibes are the best positive vibes, because I was offered not one but BOTH jobs this weekend!!! I accepted the better one, and I’m getting ready to move back to Chicago this week! I’ve been unemployed since graduating law school in May, and it’s been driving me slowly insane, so this is incredibly exciting.
The world has been so upsetting this weekend, but it made me remember my favorite (long) quote from one of my favorite movies, Stranger Than Fiction:
“Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies. And, fortunately, when there aren’t any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort. Not to mention hospital gurneys and nose plugs, an uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction. And we must remember that all these things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause. They are here to save our lives.”
Slightly premature Welcome Back Here! I hope the job is everything you want it to be.
One of the sweetest movies ever. Thanks for reminding me!
Congrats!
A very small contribution to the open thread: I really like the font that’s now used for headlines on the Toast. I don’t know why it took me so long to notice it.
We are putting on Urinetown (!! A musical from THIS CENTURY!! with a horrible title!)
Tell me all your pee jokes. Or puns.
Sorry, wee can’t help you.
Aw, I was in Urinetown in high school and it was so much fun. The songs are catchy as hell, too.
I’m all flushed with excitement for you! I hate to bladder on and waste time, so I’ll keep my puns to a trickle of pith.
Mallory is Prudie right now on the live chat, and she is charming, intelligent, and wise!
Prudie is way better now with Mallory at the helm!
I actually read all the answers instead of skimming slash cringing this time! She is the best.
hey toasts, I’ve missed talking with y’all. My dad passed away last week, so I spent the last couple weeks dealing with that & keeping Mom company & catching up with all the local family.
I feel pretty ok, for now anyway, like I got the really sad part over with a long time ago & now I’m just relieved he’s not sick anymore. But it’s very weird coming back to work & daily routine & especially the big firehose of information that is the internet. Thankful that the Toast has thoughtful people and cute animals and of course lots of dad appreciation <3
I’m so sorry for your loss, I’m glad you’re holding up okay. Let us know if there are any particular distractions we can provide, animal or otherwise!
I’m so sorry. Sympathies
Oh, I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you can find the space to keep being gentle with yourself.
thanks for the internet hugs, toastfriends! <3
Sorry for your loss. The return to day to day “normal” life is a very weird transition after losing someone. Hope it goes gently for you.
I felt the same way about my dad. He had an illness that progressed little by little and by the end was miserable all the time, so the sickness was ultimately much harder on me than the death. I’m so sorry you went through something similar 🙁 Sending internet hugs and sympathy your way.
Definitely hard getting back to the normal routine after something like that though! Good luck with the transition and I hope your time with your family was comforting.
yeah, I’m grateful I had so much time to prepare and say goodbye, but also, I hope the time comes soon that I remember earlier-dad better than sick old man dad. [[[internet hugs]]]
Many condolences, Emily. I’m sorry about your dad, and hope you & Mom & the rest of your family find moments of peace as your routines come back to a new normal place.
I am so sorry. It’s just not easy. Be kind to yourself. And meanwhile, this:
[gently pets extremely soft earses]
I just remembered I have a question for which Toasts may have answers. Tomorrow I have my first in-person job interview in 2.5 years. What on earth do I wear??
I work in a very casual industry, where I regularly wear jeans, sneakers, and sweaters/button-downs/nice t-shirts to the office, so I have to hit the fine line between “I clearly tried to look nice” and “overdressed for the industry and therefore out of touch.”
I would go a step up from normal–probably like, a nice pair of pants that aren’t jeans but aren’t like Formal Suit Trousers, coupled with a nice blouse or sweater. I don’t think you’ll come across as too dressy or stuffy as long as you’re not wearing a full suit or like, a bunch of fancy jewelry.
Dark wash jeans, sweater/blouse, blazer, flats? Or an interesting dress.
It is better to be overdressed for an interview than underdressed. Everyone understands what you’re doing if you put on a blazer.
+1, I work at a pretty casual company but we actually specify to candidates that they should wear suits/equivalent to their interviews. It’s just a way to show enthusiasm and effort. If the company didn’t specify, I’d say the blazer is still a good bet.
ETA: good luck on your interview!
I’m all about skinny black dress pants and black blazer, but that’s because I am a short person who has to wear a blazer to avoid blending in with middle-school-aged children.
(And I’d opt for nice flats over heels, fwiw, given the description of your industry)
This is a good idea, as I also have to make an effort in order to look 30 instead of 17. I hope I can find my skinny black pants…
(lol I don’t even own heels. But flats with pants! Interesting idea, says the person who only ever wears sneakers and boots.)
Mixy-machy skirt with nice sweater plus jewelry? Put together but not like a law firm? Nice pants with a sweater plus rad accessories? DEF don’t wear jeans. Here’s a horror story for you. I work in a casual-ish industry (look nice for clients & bosses, but even bosses wear jeans when there are no clients). A girl I worked with at a former company, who knew the casual-level of a company, left and returned to interview for a different job. She showed up in an outfit that was appropriate for a day-to-day, NOT appropriate for an interview. I know for a fact that she didn’t get the job because she “Didn’t show discretion about how to represent the company at a conference.” Always overdress for an interview.
My office is not as casual as your current office, but the recruiter who sent me off to interview for my current job told me to dress business casual for the interview. So I wore light-brown linen pants and a fitted navy blue sweater and (fake) pearl earrings and I felt totally comfortable. Blazer over a simple top and a skirt or what I call “business pants” are great options, plus you can take the blazer off when commuting into the interview so at least you won’t get all nerves-sweaty until DURING the interview 😉
Simple clothes that fit well are usually a good bet. I’d probably wear* slacks and a button-down with a blazer. Iron everything. I’d also give my shoes a quick polish and choose some minimal jewelry. You should, as much as possible, wear something that is comfortable and that you think looks good on you. Good luck!
*That is a lie. I’m super femme and would probably wear a flouncy dress in a silly pattern, industry conventions be damned.
I work at a fairly casual law firm (like with attys wearing jeans and chucks to work) and my interview outfit/US atty is coming to visit outfit is nice pants (not jeans) with a cardigan, maybe with a sleeveless collared shirt under, and flats.
I work in the tech industry on the west coast, so I feel you on this. They’re not the majority, but there are definitely companies in my city that will take a conservative suit at a job interview as a big red flag, because it makes you seem like a bad culture fit. But you still have to dress up enough to make it clear you understand you’re at a job interview and take it seriously!
My go-to interview outfit is a pencil skirt, button-down shirt, and a fitted cardigan, with dress shoes and non-statement jewelry. If I glean something about the company culture before the interview I can go a little more or less conservative on the details (brighter color combos, funkier shoes, a printed skirt – but I never wear a printed shirt because I overthink everything and worry it will be distracting).
If you are more about dress pants than skirts, you can sub in a nice pair of trousers or ankle pants. On the subject of flats with pants, in Seattle at least, flats with skinny ankle pants is definitely a common look, and would not be out of place at a job interview.
I am a grad student who just got a fellowship in an area of history I am not very familiar with and I think it was partly how I presented myself. Hair up, nice top and blazer, black work pants from target or something, earrings or a necklace, no nailpolish or no chipped nailpolish, very little makeup but more than I usually wear. That is my usual interview dress code.
Gross things thread?
I had a pimple in my nose (like just inside, on the middle bit) that lasted for about FIVE DAYS. Five days of hurting, and gargantuan-loads of whiteness coming out every time I squeezed. But I woke up this morning, and it’s gone!
My partner was boring and didn’t want to hear the hourly reports on the grossness, and I didn’t want to creep anyone else out, so this is my chance to share.
The inside of my nose is sooooo dry and owie and like, covered in scabby dried boogers. Coconut oil is helping, but I need a humidifier I think.
Edited because of autocorrect issues. Fried boogers is even worse than dried boogers!
Just think how fried boogers would smell…
Isn’t it particularly annoying when the inside of your nose is sore? You can’t do anything about it in public ’cause people think you’re playing with your snot, but then you can’t explain it ’cause it’s also gross.
every now and then I get like, a little cut or irritated spot or something in my nose right where it sounds like your zit is (just inside on the septum) and I CANNOT STOP MYSELF from poking at it alllll the time. “does it still hurt? does it still hurt?” yes of course it still hurts you’ve been prodding it nonstop for two days there has been no opportunity for healing to happen.
I rub at the tip of my nose rather than stick my finger inside, but I’m sure I look completely absurd in public.
humidifiers are so great for winter. I have a little travel sized one, and when it gets super dry I will cart it from home to the office and back. Stupid dry eyes and everything else
I think that I have an ingrown hair (like, it is completely underneath my skin) in the same place your pimple was. Either that or it is a weird vein that I hadn’t noticed before. Do I dig it out with a pin, which will hurt like hell, but be satisfying if its a hair, or ignore it, which is the best idea if it’s a vein? I DON’T KNOW
ALL THE UNCERTAINTY
Dig it out! It’s the best feeling! #homesurgery4eva
but what if it’s a vein??????
Hi! Not much here to report, but I am under a HUGE time crunch due to GIS day being in 2 days and I’ve been so sick I’m very behind on my mapmaking for it, and high school boy leaves Friday for Disney with the marching band. That would be ok, but he has to pack up by Wednesday night, leave the luggage at the school thursday a.m., and then he goes to dad’s house….which means I won’t get to give him a goodbye hug or make sure he packs sunscreen or check to make sure he brought his wallet, because dad will be in charge, and dad sucks at that. So I’m a bit stressed.
Also, the kidney infection is trying to come back, and I need it to be gone, gone, gone, I can’t afford to be any sicker. Wednesday (GIS day) I need to be on my A game for networking skills, which won’t happen if I keep getting fevers.
Please send me mapping mojo, get well mojo, and “remember your wallet and instrument” vibes for the teen. Thanks in advance!
I send you what little mapping mojo I have. I also send assurances that your son will be fine. I went on tons of high school band trips and they are always extremely well organized and there are a ton of helpful parents. Band parents are great. They will make sure he has his instrument. They will take care of him if he forgets his wallet. They will offer him sunscreen but unfortunately they can’t make him wear it.
Well, son #1 got sick on the D.C. trip and had a fever with no meds for 3 days, and same kid got pickpocketed at downtown disney 4 years ago. THIS son got sick AND left his glasses on a park bench somewhere in virginia, and the last time he was at disney he got sun poisoning. So, I am a worry wart. But you are right, even if all those things happen, he will be fine.
I have some mapping mojo, so I am sending it your way. Kidney infection sounds like it’s a huge asshole, so I am NOT sending the infection any mojo! What’s your mapping on?
Well, the theme for GIS day is how GIS helps research, and since I have nothing exciting to map at work I figured I’d compile a list of the past ten years of my university’s presentations at the AAG and map it. So I will definitely be making (have made, have not made online or pretty yet) a flow map of all the places in the world our geography dept. has studied *just for one annual conference*. And I might break it down into US vs. world, or Large Regions (US, Central Europe) vs. school districts or cultural hotspots. Any other ways you can think to make a list of places interesting?
The plan is to build an online app that links to all the abstracts. Maybe also to the prof bios. The time suck is downloading individual country shapefiles and building one polygon file that includes things like cities and continents in the same table. If I get a time crunch I’ll just use an ESRI basemap, but I wanted to be able to highlight polygons as people click on their centroids, so……
Eee! I just read most of that out loud to my cat modeler husband. I love it when I get to share things on here with him. He says he hopes you get to do your full map in time and don’t have to use ESRI.
Good luck to your marching band son. I hope he has a lot of fun and you don’t have to stress too much on his behalf.
Fuck that kidney infection though.
That sounds pretty interesting and useful! I don’t have any ideas about how to make it more interesting, unfortunately….
This weekend I watched Jupiter Ascending, and while it was ridiculous, I found it very fun, and kinda hot when Mila & Channing FINALLY kissed.
Also, I am looking for a good coconut flour based (gluten free) pumpkin cinnamon roll recipe. Any ideas?
I’m on day 1 of a 3-day juice cleanse! I’ve been eating terribly and drinking too much, and generally feel gross and not like myself. So I made a ton of juice yesterday and this morning and am drinking 6 juices/day to remind myself that there are delicious things out there that I like to eat/drink and that are not processed and covered in cheese and/or chocolate.
I’m just going to marathon all three seasons of Burning Love, cuddle my dogs, maybe finish painting the guest room, and eat stupid gross yogurt to deal with the intestinal sideaffects of antibiotics. I think my potential infected skull bone is going away though! (The infection, not the bone. Not literally wasting away, yet.)
I had a brilliant me moment at the grocery store this morning, when one moment my credit card was in my hand and the next it had disappeared. Searched everything, looked all over the floor, and was on the phone to cancel it when my new hero, a middle aged dude, leaned over and Houdini-ed it out from underneath the candy display. Whew. I may have offered to kiss him like a dope.
And I think MrKat bought me a new laptop. A suspiciously-sized box from a tech company just arrived, and he’s not responding to my texts about it. J’accuse! (In a good way!)
Here, we need this again today:
every year before valentine’s day i send this to the bf as a not very subtle reminder that although we do not do valentine’s day, i still would really like this bear
I still can’t believe I didn’t buy it when I saw it. Doofus!
Have any of you been to a genuine seance? I’m doing research for a novel and I’d like to pick your brain so I can write about it in the most accurate and respectful way possible. Contact me at: pocketrockette50(at)gmail.com
Gosh, I want to go to a genuine seance. How does one go about this?
There’s a Spiritualist church in my city, but I’m weirdly shy about going and asking questions.
I am moving to Palo Alto in a month! Is there a Bay Area Toasties group? Any recommendations for fun things and friend-making opportunities?
Huuuuurgh Bay Area rents!!!! You are moving to the Super Expensive side of the bay. I don’t know if we have a local Toast group but there are far more meetup groups around than you could know what to do with. Do you like hiking? That’s pretty much free. Also free/reduced days for museums — I don’t have the details on my iPad but there are monthly free days — inc. the art museum over at Stanford I think.
Stanford’s art museums are both free all the time, which is pretty cool (but parking is not free).
Yay bay area! I’m in SF – there are definitely a number of bay area toasties but I’m not aware of any official group (if there is I would like to be in on it)! I know nothing useful about Palo Alto, unfortunately.
My favorite place in the world http://stanfordtheatre.org/
Bells Books is indeed amazing, and there is an awesome thai restaurant right across the street.
A bunch of my coworkers are leaving, which is good in that I don’t actually like most of them (if you’ve been reading my occasional Friday Open Thread posts about them, I’m sure you understand). But it’s making me feel increasingly bitter and jealous that I’m still here myself. This was supposed to be a temporary gig, but the person I was hired to replace while they were on assignment is showing no signs of returning from said assignment. I’d rather keep renewing my contract here than be unemployed, but it just makes me feel like a big failure for not being able to find another job of my own. And every petty office annoyance is blown out of proportion because “I shouldn’t even be here anymore.”
Toasties, I ran a 15k yesterday, and my legs are *killing* me. And I made the stupid decision to wear heels to work this morning. Somewhere in my sleep-addled brain I thought, “Booties would look super cute with those jeans today,” totally forgetting that I ran nine-and-a-half freaking miles yesterday. Good thing I do a lot of sitting for my job.
Anyone got any good yoga poses/stretches for sore muscles? I was so tired yesterday that I forgot to roll out before going to bed. Does foam rolling work the day after?
Congrats on your race! Was it the Hot Chocolate one? I did that a couple of years ago!
Yes, definitely do the foam roller–no harm in it, I’d say. Otherwise, stretch whatever way feels good to you. I’m betting that stretching your torso over your legs to stretch the hamstrings will feel nice, and doing a runner’s lunge to get the front of your hip.
Yeah, it *was* the Hot Chocolate one! Isn’t it fun? I was pretty pleased with the mug of fondue at the end. Made the last two miles worth it. Though I was a bit disappointed the mug itself wasn’t made of chocolate. Missed opportunity there.
So foam rolling is definitely a go. And a runner’s lunge/forward fold. I should probably get up on all of this—I’m running a half marathon in Disney World this spring! The only person more excited than me is my father. He’s running it with me, and we’re dressing up as R2D2 and C3PO.
Yesss, forward fold, that’s what it’s called. I like stretching while watching TV, that way I kind of force myself to do it for a while. Good luck with your half!
Foam rolling always works.
Now I can’t wait to go home to roll out! It’s gonna hurt so bad—but in a good way.
And how about a happy borgi having a roll?
That FACE! That BELLEH!
This dog. I want this dog to be my best friend.
BORGI
HELLO FRIEND!
IS THAT A BORDER CORGI?!! Oh god the cute.
She is indeed. The world MUST be herded.
I volunteer!
My dog is a border collie-Bernese mix and he’s like your dog but with comically long legs instead of comically short ones! How I wish they could meet and star in a buddy comedy together!
My husband and I are making up titles/plot lines for this movie right now. “Dog Twins” is in the lead. Like “Twins” but with dogs.
LOL
A buddy cop movie with a double entendre title: Border Guards, about a dog Canadian Mountie and a dog American cop, and their adventures in Niagara Falls. Think of the costume possibilities!
Haha I would watch that movie in the theater! Seriously.
Not a happy thread–concerning this weekend’s events, so I’ll post the content in a comment below.
I live in Paris and I was about five minutes away from one of the attacks. Everyone I know is okay, but the English guy who was selling the band’s merchandise at Bataclan–and his friend who watched as he was killed (she’s being treated for bullet wounds to the legs, but she’s going to be fine, thankfully) were/are friends of one of my dearest friends. And most of the events went down in my quartier, so this all feels really close to home. Also, the assholes at the restaurant we were in (one street over from the Italian restaurant that was hit) kicked us out (WHILE guns were still being fired) because they wanted to close, so there were a few scary minutes where we were outside trying to quickly and inconspicuously find shelter elsewhere during the attacks. Then we spent a few tense hours on lockdown inside the bar we ended up in before making our way back home.
It was an awful evening, and I just wanted to make sure all Parisian (and Toasties in Beirut, for that matter, I just don’t think I’ve spoken to any of you like I have with Parisians) Toasties are alright? I’m going to ask in the French Toast group on Facebook, too….
Ohmygod! Sending hugs and sympathy. Just feeling sadness and heartbreak about the whole situation and having nothing really to say.
They kicked you out? I’m just going to lay here on the floor hyperventilating for a bit. All the Toast hugs for you and your lovely city.
Seconding the WTF!!!
Yeah….If you’re planning a trip to Paris and don’t wish to dine at an establishment that might throw you out at the first sign of potential danger, I suggest avoiding Café Tomate. I was one of the lucky ones, as my former roommate (who is a musician and was playing a gig there) also manages a bar just down the road from there. She herded up as many of us as she could and brought us there. The metro was closed and taxis weren’t running during the lockdown. We ended up walking home later, but I was glad to have somewhere to go in the interim. No idea how everyone else managed….
Trains were delayed going home this evening due to an abandoned package in one of the stations. That sort of thing happens all the time, but the Parisian response today was one of fear rather than annoyance. Every car backfiring makes people jump, and all heads swivel at the first sound of sirens. There was a similar reaction back in January after the Charlie Hebdo shooting, but the fear’s a lot more palpable this time. They keep hitting the same neighborhood, too, so the chances are good at that at least some of the people affected this weekend also lost people in January. It’s one of the more progressive neighborhoods in Paris; I imagine that’s intentional on their part, but it makes me wonder/worry about the possibility of there being some sort of operating office in the area.
I can’t really wrap my mind around it. How easily they could have chosen the street we were on rather than the one next to it. How my roommate (who’s played at the Carillon before) could have been performing there. How easily it could have been me or someone I loved. Above all, I’m so SO grateful that I live in a place where those sorts of feelings are uncommon, rather than a daily fear. I’m continuously flabbergasted as to how anyone could feel anything other than empathy for those trying to escape that sort of daily terror after getting a taste of what it must be like….
I’m so sorry you were in the midst of it, although I am glad to hear you’re alright. As my friend said during those first six hours, any good news feels good right now.
I’ve formerly/recently lived in France and Paris and mot of my timeline and many of my dear friends were caught up in this over the weekend. My best friend of all time with whom I speak constantly was at Le Petit Cambodge (which he and friends frequent) only hours before, and I was selfishly so relieved to know he left in time after the initial crippling panic when he didn’t reply to my texts. I was seeing Facebook statuses coming from the hostage situation on my very timeline, which was surreal. Despite being geographically removed from the situation, I felt drunk during the first twelve hours and now like the whole thing was a dream, which is — not super helpful due to the all the political discourse the part of the world I’m currently in has been keen on discussing since — before I even knew all my friends were safe, actually.
How might one access the French Toast Facebook group, also?
Um, I’m not sure about the group. It’s listed as private and I was invited by someone on here who responded to one of my comments. I’ll ask and get back to you.
Glad all your friends are safe, though. Paris still feels really strange, although I’m not noticing the police presence I expected. I feel like there were more around after Charlie Hebdo than there are now, but that could be because I’m living in a different area now and am not constantly in the tenth….
How horrible, I am so sorry. I was one tube stop on and about 10 minutes ahead of the London bombings, and that feeling of ‘holy shit this is real and immediate’ is so frightening. Big sympathy.
Thank you for reporting in and checking on our Toastie family inasmuch as you can, as well. I’m aghast at your being kicked out, and glad your friend was able to give so many people shelter for those crucial hours.
I quit my job I had for over 7 years today and emailed off a signed copy of an employment offer letter for the new position. So it’s official. I’m changing jobs and this is a pretty big deal for me. Also, I dry heaved this morning so my nervousness presents itself in a very physical form and makes me feel like a wuss.
Nervous physicality is the WORST. Mine tends to crop up even when my conscious mind isn’t aware of the nervousness; I’ll just notice that I’m really short of breath or have started sweating profusely, and be like “huh…I guess I’m really anxious.”
Anyway, congratulations! This is a big step, but I bet you’ll be amazing in your new position and your boss will love you and you will experience a whole bunch of exciting new things.
Thank you so much, I’m smiling. Paraphrasing Mallory: I deserve this good thing to happen to me simply because I want it.
I also threw up my coffee last week before the interview. So maybe that gives hope to anyone who thinks their nerves or anxiety are a hindrance. Let those nerves boil over before the thing that’s causing anxiety and then power through the thing and get it over with. I also suggest the mantra “only say what needs to be said” because that prevented me from bumbling and fumbling through words too much.
Anxiety Stomach is something I developed as an adult, and it is the worst. Nervous pukers in solidarity.
Congratulations on your new job! It will be spectacular! (I bet you’ve done enough pre-worrying to ensure success, that is how that works, I am confident.)
Nervous puking would be a step up from what I get- no need to be indelicate here. BUT what I really want to say is to congratulate you for going out and doing what was right for you through the nerves.
Oh I got the more indelicate version before the money-negotiations phone conversation. But let’s not start a club or anything. And thanks.
You should not have to have both. That is deeply unfair, totally uncalled for.
I was moody and stuck in my head for basically all of last week, and then Friday I was Bitch Queen when I got home from work, and then I kept it up on Saturday until one of my sweeties finally told me off.
Now I have that feeling where my behavior is better but it’s just going to build up again.
In other words, time to go back to the meditation room on campus.
Meditators of the Toast, how’s it going, do you like guided meditations, which ones, other tips for being super chill mediator and like floating over my mat, etc?
One of my favorite guided meditations is imagining yourself to be your favorite mountain. Visualize it in as much detail as you can. Watch as various weather systems pass by: bright beautiful days and then as dark and stormy as you can stand it. Sit with these images and then come back to the mountain. Despite all that passed by, the mountain is unchanged. I try to hold onto this when the world/my anxiety is trying to get me.
I don’t care for visual or guided meditations, but I love chanting (either actually out loud or just in my head) to recorded kirtans. One of my favorite chant groups is Prema Hara and I highly recommend any of their albums.
If I can gripe for a moment: it is cold and wet, SAD is basically pounding down my door ever since the time change, and I am back to work after a glorious weekend with my best friend in another city.
However. Coffee is helping a lot, as is avoiding the news. Hope this Monday is treating you well.
Hi Toasties! I am in need of advice about a friend who is not taking particularly good care of herself and would appreciate any input. Basically she is a few months into a very stressful teaching job and I think it is killing her. She has twice been hospitalized for stress and still won’t admit that anything is wrong. She has always been a bit of a workaholic and prone to ignoring things like getting a reasonable amount of sleep or eating regular meals. She is also one of the kindest people I know, and ends up unable to say no to anything that is asked of her because she feels too guilty about turning people down. Is there anything else I can say/do to try to get her to pull back a bit for her own sake?
That’s tough. Could you maybe tell her “I’m concerned about you. You’re important to me and I’m worried that you’re endangering your health with stress and too many commitments. Do you want to talk about this stuff with me?” And then if she says no, well…
And how about another happy borgi pic? Her name, btw, is Gertie.
Gertie, come play with me! You are so happy, you spreader-of-joy you.
That’s all she wants! To play and spread joy and make sure she has the couch all to herself, because having the other dog’s butt anywhere near hers is just, like, offensive.
SHE IS SO HAPPY
Tongue!
Any UFC fans want to talk about the weekend fights? I had to move the coffee table out of harm’s way during the first round of the Holm/Rousey fight. Partner is still gleeful about the result.
I think we watched the fight three times in a row Sunday morning.
Librarians/Teachers/Other Awesome People Who Work With Kids/Teens brainstorming here.
How are you talking with your students about everything? And by everything, I mean Baghdad/Beirut/Paris, but also the Mizzou and related protests, Black Lives Matter, violence in our own cities and neighborhoods, general world awfulness?
At my library, we have an awesome teen book group themed around social justice this year, and I’m working with our teen librarian and after-school staff to put together a big interactive bulletin board display around the question “How do we make the world a _____ place?” We’re going to do programming where the kids and teens can decide what words they feel are needed in the blank (just, kind, safe, etc), and where they can anonymously contribute their ideas that we can put up around it. I’m hoping we’ll get enough good discussions off of this to expand it into our other programming.
So what’s worked for you? How are your kids and teens doing? Internet hugs and soothing beverages to you all.
Toasties, it’s winter, it’s raining, and my feet will not be warm again til May.
Massive sweaters, wool socks, and never stray more than 20 feet from an electric kettle. If necessary, carry one on your commute. None of this will warm your feet though. Feet are how we know it’s winter.
Find a bar with a fireplace.
Do you have access to a microwave? BUY THESE. I got some for myself and OMG they are the best things ever.
http://www.firebox.com/product/4539/Hot-Boots
Hi Toasties! I’m delurking for the first time in a while, in the middle of a very unengaging lecture (yay kidneys). Feeling down because a) school is hard and it never ends, and b) I am not going home for Thanksgiving break (this is what happens when you go to med school far away from home), though I do get to cat-sit a very sweet kitten next week. For some reason, a few of my friends have been very adamant about giving me makeovers/taking me shopping/etc even though I have been very clear about not being interested in a makeover. Any tips for turning them down once and for all?
If you would enjoy spending time with these people but just aren’t feeling the makeover, you could say, “I’m not really a makeover person, but I want to hang out! How about [activity you think might be mutually fun]?” If they get really serious about demanding reasons, they’re being rude…you don’t have to defend your preferences. In that case, you might say something like, “Hey, some people like sushi, some don’t. Some people like getting makeovers, for some people it’s not their bag. But I’d really love to find something we’re both excited about.” And then get back to feeling them out on other activities: TV to watch together, concerts to see, dance classes to take, etc.
If they really really push you on the makeovers, you might turn it around on them and ask, “Why is it so important to you that I get a makeover? Really, I’m curious.” And then wait for their answer. If it involves creepy stuff like trying to force a certain gender performance on you, then you’ve got some new information about what kind of friends they are.
That sounds annoying! It may be helpful to make them acknowledge that they’re disregarding your clear refusal: “You guys keep asking even after I’ve said no, why?” And then if they say “Because it would be so fun come on!” you could say “I really don’t want to have this conversation again, so for the final time, I’m saying: no. Please don’t ask me again.”
Then if they DO ask again, they are not being very good friends!
Enjoy your kitten and may your break be enjoyable even if not traditional.
Daveeeeeeed
“‘We’ is a big and powerful word”
http://thisisindexed.com/2015/11/we-is-a-big-and-…
Random thought of the day: whenever a random douche says that women with short hair (whether me specifically or women in general) are unattractive, I think, yes exactly, that’s the point. Short hair is my douchebag early screening system. It doesn’t weed them all out of my life, but it’s a great way to easily get rid of the more obvious ones.
As they say, it’s a feature, not a bug!
I’very been debating cutting my hair short again, mostly because I miss the days when I could just step out of the shower and let it air-dry. But there’s also an urge to give another big fuck-you to all the assholes out there who think it’s somehow acceptable or interesting to go around yelling to everyone about who they do or do not find attractive.
Between biking instead of taking public transit and wearing short hair/androgynous clothing, I’ve reduced the number of catcalls I receive per month to nearly zero. That wasn’t my goal – it’s an unexpected (if welcome) side effect. But it’s fucking bullshit that a femme gal who can’t afford a bike or who just doesn’t want to bike everywhere should have to endure harassment at a level way beyond what I experience.
Heh, I found that I got yelled at more when my appearance was more androgynous, but it was usually less catcalls and more random slurs? But then, at the time I was living in an area where yelling at pedestrians from the window of your souped-up pickup was a prevailing youth pastime, so I’m not sure there’s any haircut that could have spared me from it.
An ex told me he didn’t find me attractive anymore after I cut my hair “too short.” Mind you, “too short” was collarbone length. He was a good dude in other ways, but he had some really absurd ideas about how women should look.
Hey the Toasts, I will hopefully have a bit of good news to share by the end of the week. Please keep your fingers crossed for me.
In other news, I spent the weekend mostly alone– the first weekend I’ve had to myself for months. It was lovely, I spent Saturday walking slowly from one end of my city to the other, going into every shop that caught my eye, and not buying anything (but taking notes for upcoming holiday gift giving). It was relaxing. I still feel weird and off today, but I’m going to yoga tonight even though my favorite teacher has left my gym. Hopefully that will start the week off right!
What are your favorite things to do alone, Toasts?
I like to go for nature walks by myself. Because then I can stop to look at weird bugs/fungi/flowers every three steps if I want, and no one can get huffy at me for taking too long.
I love my solitary nature walks. I do a lot of novel planning (or just general thinking) as I walk. And if there’s a sort-of-trail of packed dirt leading off from the main trail, and I think, “I wonder if that’s really a trail? I wonder where it goes?” I can follow it without consulting anyone or without anyone telling me “That might not be a good idea.”
I love taking photos of fungi on walks. My instagram is mostly photos of weird toadstools and slimes these days, punctuated by the very occasional dog photo or selfie. I wish there were more “nature” near my apartment, though!
Cooking and listening to podcasts or doing my nails. I just got the Harry Potter coloring book and I’m VERY excited to get some coloring done in that this week!
I have been looking into getting a meditative coloring book for myself, it sounds like such a great idea. What podcasts do you like?
Coloring is so fun! I highly recommend it, it’s very relaxing and wonderful.
The first podcast I got into was NPR’s Pop Culture Happy Hour, it’s like listening to your smartest friends talk about your favorite pop culture.
In the pop culture vein, The Read is wonderful- two best friends talking about celebrity nonsense and giving some pretty nail on the head advice. Oh! Also Buzzfeed’s Another Round- the episode where they interviewed Hillary Clinton was amazing and so distinctly 2015.
This American Life is classic, and The Moth is great for some really beautiful storytelling. If you like TV the Vulture TV podcast is smart and fun, and Reply All is really interesting stories about the internet.
Going to concerts! I get pretty anxious in social situations, so being able to go out and do something I enjoy while also being able to disappear into a crowd is great!
Mornings alone are my favorite. I’m naturally a pretty early riser so mornings alone I run all my errands right as the stores are opening. Not only does everything get done much faster it’s just really nice to have a whole grocery store to yourself.
I love being alone as well, but I’m much lazier about it. My go tos are reading, tv, and horror movies. But really I can go an abnormally long time without seeing people without it getting to me (like, 2 weeks? And then I realize I need some social interaction)
My husband has been doing a class Monday nights, and I have realllly been valuing a quiet glass of wine and an episode of the West Wing
Hey guys. Still looking at and loving the poetry thread from this morning’s Links Roundup, and wanted to share one more with anyone else still in the mood:
A Brief For the Defense, by Jack Gilbert
Sorrow everywhere. Slaughter everywhere. If babies
are not starving someplace, they are starving
somewhere else. With flies in their nostrils.
But we enjoy our lives because that’s what God wants.
Otherwise the mornings before summer dawn would not
be made so fine. The Bengal tiger would not
be fashioned so miraculously well. The poor women
at the fountain are laughing together between
the suffering they have known and the awfulness
in their future, smiling and laughing while somebody
in the village is very sick. There is laughter
every day in the terrible streets of Calcutta,
and the women laugh in the cages of Bombay.
If we deny our happiness, resist our satisfaction,
we lessen the importance of their deprivation.
We must risk delight. We can do without pleasure,
but not delight. Not enjoyment. We must have
the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless
furnace of this world. To make injustice the only
measure of our attention is to praise the Devil.
If the locomotive of the Lord runs us down,
we should give thanks that the end had magnitude.
We must admit there will be music despite everything.
We stand at the prow again of a small ship
anchored late at night in the tiny port
looking over to the sleeping island: the waterfront
is three shuttered cafés and one naked light burning.
To hear the faint sound of oars in the silence as a rowboat
comes slowly out and then goes back is truly worth
all the years of sorrow that are to come.
I saw that Christopher Kimball is leaving ATK does this mean he’s coming to work for The Toast?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Judging by the article in the Boston newspaper it was not amicable. Well it may be amicable for CK as there were no reports of supernatural devastation.
I always felt like he was an asshole so that doesn’t surprise me.
He’d just clog up the Toast with his ego
I’m pretty sure he’ll just subside gradually into the arcane New England wilderness from whence he came, and we will hear no more from him save a whisper on the wind when the air is calm, imploring us to let our dough rest properly.
Any Nashville Toasties around?
I’ve been considering a move there for a while to be closer to my parents, who recently retired to Tennessee. (I currently live in Eastern NC). But I still haven’t done much about it, because the idea of such a big move (particularly job searching) absolutely paralyzes me. I’m planning a visit in Feb (if I can manage to enjoy a city during the middle of fucking winter I feel like I can at least envision living there, but really I’m going to see Jenny Lewis) but in the meantime I’m curious. What do you like/hate/love about the area? Any general advice?
Toasts, I need advice!
My workplace is in a phase of major upheaval that will continue in one form and another for at least several months and perhaps upwards of a year. Our Women’s network would like to showcase a BOOK that fits one or more of these categories:
– Helps the reader cope with change/deal with uncertainty
– Is light/light-hearted
– Intended for a business/professional audience
– Authored by a woman a plus
– Published in last 5 years a plus
– Maybe not something everyone’s familiar with, such as Who Moved My Cheese.
My first thought was “maybe Brene Brown?” but I am not familiar with her recent books.
Any and all recommendations welcome, thank you!
Daring Greatly is amazing and published in 2012. Brene Brown has a warm, funny voice and she’s not shy about her imperfections, which makes it super accessible. It’s one of the few nonfiction books I’d say is a guide for my life.
Thank you!
I am not 100% certain what would qualify for a “business/professional” audience, specifically.
One of the go-to books I have leaned on professionally is Don Greene’s Fight Your Fear and Win, which was written a billion years ago. But, it’s fantastic. Twyla Tharp has written a couple of books on creativity/productivity which I really like and HIGHLY recommend, which brings in a female author and also more recent (The Creative Habit, 2003 and The Collaborative Habit, 2009).
I am not sure if this meets professional criteria, but check out Emily Gordon: http://www.amazon.com/Super-You-Release-Inner-Sup…
Thank you!
I am tremendously late to this, but am in the process of relocating to Boston and am having a horrible time finding an apartment that is dog-friendly. Any Toast friends have advice/leads/reassuring thoughts that I won’t be homeless in three weeks?
I dealt with the same thing! Ended up moving to Salem; I’ve found that places outside the city (AKA on the commuter rail) are more likely to allow pets. I found absolutely NOTHING in Somerville/Cambridge/Brookline.
I’m not sure if this is useful in your situation, but I have two cats and I had much better luck with apartments once I stopped asking, “Is this apartment cat-friendly?” and instead asked, “Do you accept a pet deposit?” It’s annoying to have to pay a pet deposit, but at least in my experience it made some landlords who specifically listed “no pets” willing to work with us.
Good luck and I hope you find something soon!
My friend’s neighborhood in Jamaica Plain seems pretty renter-and-dog-heavy? I’m sorry I can’t help more than that, but good luck!
Many of the new “luxury” apartments (Archstone, Avalon) accept dogs.
I’d say don’t bring up the dogs at first. If a listing specifically says no pets, I guess don’t go for those, but if it’s not mentioned I’d see the place first, meet the landlord, make a good impression, and then say that you have a dog only after they ask. I actually watched two future tenants DO this on my old landlord while I was still in the unit – he was SO adamant about not having dogs – and then they just very politely asked and he said ok right there on the spot.
Toasts! Someone recently told my sister that I kind of remind them of a manic pixie dream girl. They didn’t mean it in a negative way – they were just contrasting the differences in our personalities. But still. I kind of want to barf!
Like, I KNOW that I have a lot of arcane interests, a (seemingly) bubbly personality, and have a kind of like, a gamine look. But I am a woman of substance! Going into a traditionally masculine career field! I want to be taken seriously, but also I want to ~be me~ and I really, really don’t like that I give off a little bit of that impression.
Hmmm. You know, I kind of think the thing that is most annoying about the Manic Pixie Dream Girl stereotype is that, it takes women who are actually pretty interesting and reframes them so that their interestingness is only filtered through the male gaze. Most of the characters who fit into that archetype are woman of substance and multiple interests, and they just become boring because the only part of their story we get to see is how they Saved A Man. Like, someone could take you and write a story about a boring, depressed man who is in the field you’re going into, and you would come along and he’d fall in love with your bubbly personality and your arcane interests. That would be a boring story that reduced you to a stereotype, but you would still be a pretty awesome person. Garden State would be a pretty cool movie without Zach Braff.
What I’m getting at is, someone might think you have a lot in common with a Manic Pixie Dream Girl but that doesn’t mean anything bad about you at all. But I totally feel you because an ex boyfriend once told me I remind him of Hannah from Girls and I was way more angry about that than when I found out he cheated on me.
As someone who gets manic pixie’d a lot, trust me: it’s all about them and not about you. People look at a woman they see has interests they think of as quirky, cute, artistic, whatever (due to their connotations and stereotypes usually) and then think it’s great fun to think of her in the same way. They carry around their assumptions about certain personality types and then slap those assumptions onto others. Etc. It’s unavoidable, because it’s really just a projection of their own silliness, in my experience.
I find out-talking people who do this both scares them off and lets me feel a little smug. (Men tend to think it’s fascinating and inspiring I’m so into weird theatre and books and such until I get dismissive about their terrible Shakespeare opinions, because I do actually know what I’m talking about.)
We just finished binge-watching Parks & Rec this weekend, and it was like finishing a really wonderful book. I think I cried for the entirety of the last episode because everything was so sweet and perfect and I was so happy for everyone but so sad it was over! Amy Poehler is a treasure, and I have *even more* respect for her now than I did before.
I’m coming up on the end of my binge-rewatch (I’m on the fifth episode of the last season) and my god, what a great show. And now that Chris Pratt is extremely famous and buff, I enjoy Andy even more for his lack of embarrassment and his total devotion to his friends and to April. Sigh.
I also cried the whole last ep, I am a sap!!!
I’m getting a raise! I already said on twitter, but it’s almost 50%, so a whopping $12/hr. It will be good to have a little more wiggle room, but I don’t think it will be enough to save for a house, like I really want to. Apparently my boss didn’t even know what my salary was, and was embarrassed I was being paid so little, and now that I’m taking a load of work from our former office manager, I’m going to get more money!
Also in work news, turns out former office manager didn’t file/prep any taxes since he started law school, 3 YEARS AGO!?!? and we just found out. So that’s my big new project: figuring out all the accounting for 3 years, including a chunk of time that has no digital record due to a server crash/insufficient backups.
What’s the biggest work mess you’ve had to clean up, because between this, the mail fiasco, and last year’s phone problems, I’m afraid of what might be next
Holy crap, that sounds like the kind of mess someone should get more than $12/hr to deal with! Like that definitely sounds like at least a 50k/year salaried mess. Godspeed.
Oh wow, that tax situation sounds like a disaster. That’s some pretty intense accounting.
My biggest work mess to clean up was a $3.5-million project for which no one was bothering to track expenses until I was hired halfway through it. And all the financing was coming from another company, so all backup had to be tracked down and provided to them… It was just ridiculously complicated.
Deep cleaning and de-caulking of the tub has been accomplished, and the essential oil diffuser is going in the bathroom with tea tree oil in it. Hopefully once we re-caulk and continue to tea tree the hell out of it, we can halt the mildew grodyness going on. I don’t know if it’s psychosomatic or what, but just having the diffuser going last night I already felt like I could breathe better (im super allergic to mold, mildew, dust, trees, flowers, grasses, animals, and basically everything). Thoughts on essential oil diffusers? Mildewey showers? Caulk?
Thoughts on essential oil diffusers?
Mildewey showers and caulking less so.
I hope this gives you some relief! Mold allergies are horrible.
If nothing else, it smells great, so I figure I’m winning.
I’ve seen essential oil diffusers/lamps at Muji and I’m super tempted. I bet lavender would be a good bedtime scent.
Honestly, the one I got was a super cheap plug in job from Amazon for like $9, and it definitely puts out enough scent to fill up the house.
Rock out with your caulk out.
(I’m sorry)
I have an air purifier (I think a honeywell?) and we have it on alllll the time on low and it doesn’t use much electricity but it has Changed My Life.
Toast! I’m on my local library board and confirmed this morning: I am in charge of a fundraiser. It’s a COSTUMED dinner party with a DOWNTON ABBEY THEME at a local fancy restaurant, with said fancy restaurant donating quite a lot of the costs. Am ridiculously excited. Costumes. Fanciness. Prime rib. Library benefits.
Toasts!
So…Sometimes the way I deal with the world happening is by becoming obsessed with the need to write, say, an 1,800-word essay on storytelling and segregated compassion? And I stay up til 3 am messing around with it and not feeling able to say what I’m really trying to say, then I put in on my blog and don’t really encourage people to read it? So. Because I trust the people of the Toast and because this is way downthread, I’ll share it here: http://abbeyfenbert.weebly.com/blog/the-possibili…
Does this happen to you? On a semi-related note if anyone has thoughts on Impostor Syndrome as it pertains to being a writer do please holla.
Ha, I came back to post a link to something of mine that was published over the weekend, then decided against it because everything is just too full of words right now, but also because ‘impostor syndrome as it pertains to being a writer’ is so much on my mind today! People are reaching out to me about this essay and sharing their stories of housing insecurity in private while maintaining a buttoned-up facade in public, and I think that feeling of not wanting to be found out is a huge part of it, made even worse because there’s an actual secret to keep. But if we all came clean about things like this, it’s possible we could find one another and make more meaningful change. Maybe. I think impostor syndrome is a defense against letting the world step on us by preemptively stepping on ourselves, negating our value or pegging it to clicks or dollars. But it has value on its own, just as we do.
tl;dr I liked your essay! It has been a Week, and will likely be one again soon.
Are there any other DC toasties? I hear about a mysterious google group but have not managed to find/join it
There’s a link on the ‘online groups’ tab of this sheet:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1_26MiL9WN…
I tried to email them but the email just bounced?
Hopefully one of them will see this and fix it!
I also tried emailing them once about a month or two ago, but didn’t have any luck. So I’m afraid I can’t be of much help, but I remember at that time, there were a few folks looking for the group, so you’re definitely not the only one of us 🙂
I am beyond frustrated with my job situation. I feel I have a ton to offer some organization but cant get hire. I was laid off in 2010 and have been looking ever sense. My husband makes good money, but I am tired of being a part time employee when I am a veteran, I have a master’s degree and I have almost 800 rejection letters since being laid off. I know its where we live -but DAMN -come on -there has to be something out there-right?
I’m right there with you, down to the well-employed husband, which is lovely for our family, but which sometimes can be a teeny tiny bit like salt in the wound. Plenty of people have bumpy career starts and stops and then go on to do interesting engaging work. At least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself to stay cheerful enough to keep sending out those applications…
But anyway! Best of luck! I hope the right job is just around the corner for you.
Toasties! Have I left it too late for the Monday thread? I’m not entirely sure I’ve figured out this commenting lark, but I’ve spent many unproductive hours today reading the sound advice of various readers and I want in (and I rationalised wasting away these hours because I COULD at SOME point in the FUTURE really use such-and-such advice pertaining to Obscure Problem #4).
It’s a terribly dull and domestic one, I’m afraid. My best friend (with benefits) is visiting me in a few weeks time, and Christmas, his birthday, and our general Fête d’Être are all occurring at once, and I really want to treat him to All The Things (material as well as… other…). But what do you buy the boy who has everything (a Netflix account)?
But seriously, I’m kind of at a loss. Our main common interests are books, television, and food (which I’m struggling with at the moment, so I don’t really want to splurge on a nice dinner date that will leave me stressed, although this is a last option atm). The first two things he can easily access for free, so I’m not sure they’re very exciting. He likes football but has season tickets. Oh, also, this is a transatlantic booty call so there’s the additional logistic issue of his needing to take gifts back on the plane. I’m at a total loss, and I really don’t want to be, because I’m very easy to buy for and I know he’ll do something great, as always!
Sigh, the gift is just going to have to be my company, isn’t it? (For real though, I won’t actually settle on this.)
test
It worked.
No one was supposed to notice! *blush*
It did help! I don't know if it will be a thing I do but I feel more like I'm 'allowed' to consider it. (Dumb jerkbrains)
How about this way. Most 'careers' these days sprawl over several industries. That's just the way it is now, that's the way things work. It's unusual to stay in one place long. It's hard to do that, even! Even if you want to, short term contracts, restructuring, etc, make it really hard.
Having a variety of experience, but all clearly focussed within a specific field, sounds like the A+ way to build an employable resume, to me. It shows you're dedicated to that field, and it shows you're not just a lump who will do the bare minimum and scrape by (not that there's anything wrong with that necessarily, as long as you're doing the job you're paid for).
For me, moving around is as much about making sure I KEEP liking the job as anything else. It's why I've been trying so hard to get into the Uni – because this way, there are lots of places I can move around sideways and up and down within the same organisation. I can do different jobs, or the same job in different contexts, and stay interested. But I'm also not flitting about, I have some sense of security for myself and my superannuation etc, all of that. It's a good compromise for me because it's really hard for my risk-averse self to deal with an economy and general work culture that doesn't really allow the 'pick a job and stay there' model – and, if I'm honest, I wouldn't do well with that anyway. If i get bored I start dragging my heels and feeling low, so it's important for me, as a worker, to feel like I'm challenging myself, even in an entry level data entry job (it's possible! Just not for very long…)
TL;DR I think your dad's option is fine but it's vanishingly rare that it's even possible, these days. And even when it's possible, it seems to me that 'having a diverse and active career history' is actually more secure long term, because it makes it more likely that you'll be competitive enough to find something new when you need it, compared to someone with a more limited work history. I doubt any of us will be in the same job or even company for 10 years, let alone our whole lives. And I think people who expect that will be less prepared for what their careers look like in another decade, unfortunately.
Anyway. You're doing fine, and doing what's important to you, SO THERE DAD.