Last year’s Thanksgiving argument: No Dad, the Redskins should NOT be allowed to keep their name
This year’s argument: TBD
Ethylbenzene+27
October’s anniversary dinner argument: What I Would Have Said To Your Boss
Thanksgiving argument: good grief who even knows, ugh.
LeastBittern+28
Here is my tip for arguments with Dads: you’re going to have one, make it be about something where you can make a lot of good points and then concede.
Like the Grant presidency. Or the oligarchical weirdness of the Adams/Jefferson friendship.
Unreadaethel+42
This also introduces the important point that ideally, Dad arguments should revolve around people who have been dead for at least 150 years, and therefore have no stake in the outcome.
daisymerolling+34
last year’s Thanksgiving argument: You want to major in WOMENS STUDIES?!?! at WELLESLEY?!?!?! This year’s Thanksgiving argument: You have a GIRLFRIEND?!?! and you didnt get into WELLESLEY!?!?!?!
heyheyemkay+292
I asked my dad what he wanted for Christmas one year with the fullest intent of getting him precisely what he wanted, nothing more, nothing less.
He wound up unwrapping a $5 blue tarp with such silent, unassailable contentment.
Meg+10
This is every man in my mom’s side of the family. My husband and his family are so much harder.
Po Chen+35
WAIT, where are you getting tarps for that kind of money? How big was it?
my partner is a DAD and so the literal best is going tool-shopping with him at harbor freight!
PotterPotterson+17
I LIVE 3 MINS AWAY FROM ONE. YESSSSS I need more tarps. /dad moment
alicia+7
Also IKEA, over by the furniture pick up after you go through the registers.
somethingthatneedsnothing+39
I swear to god I have bought my dad the exact same thing. He also once asked for plain, white under shirts. He was very happy.
urspostrophe+43
My husband just suggested I get him some new socks and boxers for Christmas. We are childfree, but he is definitely A Dad.
Canary+6
My husband wants socks and undershirts. Childfree Dads are everywhere.
atlasblue85+60
my brother and I got our dad white crew neck undershirts for father’s day every year for like 8 years and every year he would say “oh hey I’ve been needing more of these!”
never change, white undershirt dads
popelizbet+10
For my dad it was white and blue Oxford shirts. We eventually rebelled.
Unreadaethel+18
My grandpa always asks for tall socks. He wears leg braces up to his knees, and has trouble finding tall enough socks. That genuinely is the only thing he ever asks for as a present.
tinypaperme+21
I am now hoping you buy him snowboard socks, as a grandpa with fiercely colored tall socks would be the best.
Unreadaethel+10
I’m sure he would be the talk of the nursing home.
dancingcrow+72
For several years we would wrap a pineapple and hand it to my father-in-law. The first time he opened the top and thought it was a plant and got all huffy, but we convinced him to persevere because he’d like it, and he did, and i think he never actually expected to like a present before that.
After we had established what he liked, we started switching it up with bananas and various exotic fruits. Part of the elegance of this answer was the horrified look on my mother-in-law’s face.
annacardea+42
For Christmas one year we got my father-in-law a Brita pitcher, kind of as an “I don’t know what to get you, picky man, so here” gift. He LOVED it. He still has the same one and is so careful about making sure the filter bottom stays covered with water. Best gift we’ve ever gotten him.
tinypaperme+10
My dad gets mustard. Or fancy olives. Pretty much everything my family gives each other can be purchased at the local grocery store.
fatslut+111
TARPS, THOUGH.
(My dad has a careful system of raking leaves onto a tarp in a grid system across the yard, then dumping the leaves in the woods behind the house. DADS!)
Girl Named Jack+82
This is exactly what I do as well. Guess where I learned it. (Hint: my dad, not your dad, that’d be creepy.)
GreenGrasses+54
Yes! There are the yard tarps, the garage tarps, and then the tarps that keep the wood pile dry.
Perhaps Dad Magazine could start an offshoot press that publishes a taxonomy of tarps?
unleavings+30
Don’t forget the camping tarps!
mmcoulston+28
My dad uses giant cut pieces of former billboard plastic to cover the wood pile. The billboard was for Dasani. He was so smug about it when he first got them. DADS. TARPS.
PotterPotterson+18
Billboard plastic story! I did disaster response while serving in AmeriCorps.
My first tornado response, we were tarping roofs (side note, I’m pretty good at tarping roofs now). Because we got weird donations a lot, we had a stash of old billboard plastic that we would use as tarps. We tried to put them on so you couldn’t see the advertisement, buuuuut it didn’t always happen. I distinctly remember a red casino billboard tarped to an equally red house…
Cat Thrace+4
Do you have any good tips for roof tarping? I live in a big spring sub tropical storm area and our roof leaks. Last spring I got a whole heap of tarps and tried to cover the roof but did it at noon when it was about a billion degrees, ended up chucking a major tantrum and throwing them all off the roof in a fit of teary grumpy rage. Boyfriend is too tall and heavy to go up on our crappy roof so it falls to me. I gave up and for the last year we’ve lived with the odd bit of rain coming through. This kind of needs to change.
mbculver+3
We took the leaves to the curb so the leaf truck could pick them up. There was as much need for tarps in the ‘burbs as there was in the country.
aravisthequeen+74
“Yes, but is it a WARM coat? You need to stay warm! Where is your balaclava? Why don’t you wear it to work? How many pairs of gloves do you have?” [Segue into the eternal gloves v. Mittens debate]
Girl Named Jack+39
My dad gets me those little heat pack things and then recommends the best ways to use them. Top options so far: in my pockets for quick warm-ups during snowblowing, and always having some in my glove compartment. Because you NEVER KNOW.
keristars+18
I live in FLORIDA and my dad gave me 6 packs last year for Christmas and i expect another set this year. He asked me a few weeks ago “hey, did you stick the extras in your glove compartment?” and was making noises about how he saved them to stick in his gloves when on his motorcycle, since the mornings get cold before you can find them in the stores, and maybe i need a pair of gloves for my bike so I can do the same thing…
Thujaplicata+16
I made my dad a set of little reusable flax seed filled hand warmers for Christmas last year. I was just home visiting and they are looking very well used and I have been informed that several family friends would also appreciate hand warmers this Christmas.
mbculver+3
My father-in-law gives us 3-4 hand warmer packs apiece as stocking gifts every year. As cold as it gets here in Boston, we never use that many. I think we’re still using the ones from around 2009.
mmcoulston+5
MITTENS FOREVER
Invisible_Kiwi+22
commerative?
jhsaxena+109
Dads don’t have time for spelling, there are hats to organize.
tinypaperme+13
Dad spelled it right. It’s just that he has man-handwriting that’s hard to read.
logicbutton+83
My dad once drunk dialed me to “sheck in.”
SarahDances+91
The best (well, only) drunk dial I ever received from my father was from the top of a mountain in Germany that he and my mother were getting ready to sled down after drinking a lot of schnapps and possibly agreeing to purchase a beagle puppy, although he wasn’t sure because neither of them speaks German.
GreenGrasses+56
The last time my partner spoke to his stepdad, his stepdad had been drinkin’ and footballin’. He told my partner that he would vote for me for president, and that America needs a candidate like me! How many electoral college votes does a suburban San Francisco Dad get?
Brie+6
My parents drunk dial me about once a year, emphasizing how they are the “cool parents”. It’s just, so, so weird.
m98widow+130
I’d like an investigation into why Area Dads insist on taking surface streets instead of the highway to get everywhere, but then go into a rage whenever they hit a red light or a stop sign.
SarahDances+122
It May Not Be Any Faster, but I Just Feel Better in Traffic that’s Moving
One man’s journey, which used to be a lot easier before they put all those lights in. There’s never anybody at that intersection anyway!
m98widow+106
This 71 Year Old Man Refuses To Acknowledge The Eisenhower Highway System, See How He Does It!
pomogalatea+30
Oh dear god, this is my father. It’s like a shark rules, but for an old Midwest man in dockers.
Ethylbenzene+10
I see you have driven with my dad!
PotterPotterson+8
I… do this. I heartily blame my stepdad.
DADS.
kilks401+9
this is word for word my mom’s reasoning on her drives. As someone who has spent a lot of time in her car when in traffic, I always heartily agree.
Es_Petal+31
My mum does this too. If there is a back way she will take it, the smaller the roads the better, and she will drive 10 minutes out of her way to avoid one red light.
evieskye+14
Yes! Both my parents did this. They claimed to know a faster to way to anything. You have to take the “rabbit trails”
Megan+42
My dad insists on taking his own secret dad way everywhere. Often it’s the straightest (and slowest) line. Or the “scenic route”. Or he just wants to drive us by this house to look at their garage door (we installed that one! and that one!).
Bothari+11
Hee. My brother and I call these Dad’s “long cuts.”
meowmeowbeans+100
Okay, I finally signed up for Intense Debate so I could share this story, as told by my dad:
My grandfather has always been a stickler for driving rules (use your signals, no rolling stops, etc). One time, my dad was in the car with him driving, and my elderly grandfather made a turn without using a signal. When my dad pointed this out, Grampy said, “I’ve lived in this town long enough, they should know where I’m going.”
champagneghost+141
jennycieplak+20
I’m so glad someone else did this so I didn’t have to.
champagneghost+13
Yarnybarny+20
Heck ya, Utilitarianism! I love using something that was intended for one purpose for another. It makes all my craft/DIY/pioneer/artist brain parts sing.
beachlass+56
Thanksgiving/Family Supper Argument Guide
5. If family arguments are not your style; consider an edifying discussion (lecture) (a) nuclear physics, CANDU reactors and heavy water (b) bundles of enriched uranium, not rods (c) retrofitting coal plants
(brought to you by our actual family supper discussion on Sunday night)
poppy+6
Do you live with my parents?
beachlass+25
Does going home for a family meal include a car inspection more thorough than the one you pay for at the garage, and questions about where your tire gauge is, anyway?
catoclock+20
My dad deemed my regular old tire gauge inadequate, and bought me a digital one that talks.
beachlass+10
I am NOT admitting that I have misplaced the digital one.
Look! New rims for my snow tires!
/distraction
tinypaperme+3
My dad bought me a giant pair of hedge clippers and a battery tester when my parents visited last May. (I have had the same tire gauge he gave me since 1997.)
zoologica+3
Oh yes, my dad looks over my car when ever I go visit. He’s been very concerned about the scratches on one of the doors.
bighairnoheart+34
Sounds better than mine. That turned into a table divided on the very serious matter of butt wiping. How much toilet paper to use, whether you fold or wrap it nicely or just grab a bunch and wad it, angles of attack, etc. Usually that’s more holiday conversation for us than average Sunday.
beachlass+10
Our TMI conversations usually are about bra sizes.
bighairnoheart+22
My family does not know the meaning of tmi. An enduring holiday memory is being eleven or so at Easter while my grandfather and uncles had an in depth conversation about whether or not Pinot Grigio meant Greasy Penis in Italian. They decided it did.
Bra sizes are too vanilla for them. Instead we once had an hour long conversation about pasties.
Nothing is off limits.
beachlass+8
Pasties!
Sometimes I don’t react well to bandaids, and so I worry about the adhesive on pasties?
bighairnoheart+13
We never got around to actually discussing the pros and cons. I think it all started because my aunt can’t pronounce the word pasty.
I’m pretty sure our entire holiday conversation then degenerated into one uncle trying to hum/whistle/sing burlesque music while the other two made twirling motions with their fingers in front of their blazers. My (all male, all very young) cousins eventually joined in. Grandpa may have too. Grandma was somewhere else, drunk and complaining about Russians.
I’m not positive, but I’m fairly certain this isn’t normal Christmas dinner behavior.
tinypaperme+11
My last big family Christmas involved a heated debate in response to the question, “Would you rather be a horse’s ass or an asshole?” It’s possible you and I are related.
Unreadaethel+15
My dad grew up on a farm, and majored in biology in college. All conversations were horrifying.
Brie+5
So many family dinners turn to poop. Why.
Irene+3
But all food turns to … oh.
swords-and-spindles+23
We never have family arguments at Christmas, it’s usually just me and my brother discussing internet security / privacy / conspiracy theories, then our Mom telling us not to argue with each other, then us explaining to her we’re discussing, not arguing, then our father yelling at us to stop yelling. Then sullen silence for the rest of the meal. Maybe we should actually try nuclear physics this year.
Household_Opera+16
At one family gathering during my childhood, my granddad (who was very much a Dad), several uncles, and one of my aunts got into an extended argument about dodecahedrons. I don’t remember what started it or what exactly was the point, but I do remember it went on for ages and involved lots of napkin sketching.
Claudia+9
We got a half hour lecture about how salt is mined/harvested/processed from my father-in-law last time they visited. Such detail about flavors and sourcing and nutrition. I mean, it was rough.
tinypaperme+8
Last Thanksgiving we had an unexpected guest (unexpected to me, at least; apparently my host knew he was coming) explain to us in excruciating detail – ecks-kruuuu-shi-aaaating detail – how refrigerator coolant works. I finally begged off by claiming I had to go home and check on the cat, who had a stomach bug (she didn’t).
tinfoil hattie
My husband, and Dad to my kids, just said: “It expands through a thermal expansion valve … low pressure valve, high pressure valve … coils … There! That wasn’t excrutiating detail, was it?”
Me: “Oh, no, of course not.”
bighairnoheart+18
Coats though. Maybe it’s because I live in Vermont but neither of my parents will ever stop worrying about coats.
tragicallyludicrous+13
My dad is obsessed with coat weight, and how you need a range of coat weights. It might be because they’ve lived in Denver now for nearly 20 years, which is a place of extremely variable weather and so you need a coat for when it’s very cold and snowing, when it’s less cold, when it’s almost not cold enough for a coat but still is, when it’s 40 degrees but when the sun hits you it still feels warm, etc. This is why I have a down winter jacket in a country where, while winter is bleak, it is a rainy sort of bleak. (But I have appreciated it the 4 weeks I’ve needed it, so.)
Coats.
walrathem+6
For when it’s cold but dry, cold but wet, wet and windy, foggy (variable temps)… And the variety of gloves to go with all of the above situations.
Contessa+11
AND all the various levels of formality! Cold but wet casual/sporty, cold but wet professional, cold but wet dressy…
Unreadaethel+10
When I spent a semester in Yorkshire, with plans to travel in Norway, my parents deliberately got me a hoodie that was 3 sizes too large, so I could wear it over multiple layers of other clothes.
It totally worked.
Hannah Richards+1
I started walking my mom’s dogs twice a week last fall, and ONE TIME I wore an older coat that I still liked – all the buttons had fallen off and it was too small, but it’s wool and it wasn’t that cold, so wearing it open is more comfortable anyway – and then, months later, at Christmas, she and my gramma had pooled their money to buy me a very expensive, warm, extra long coat. Nevermind that I already have a dozen other warm coats that I’d consistently wear dog walking; after I unwrapped it, my mom even went out of her way to point out to everyone else in the family that specific day months earlier when I’d worn an old coat, and how she – and gramma – had been worrying about me ever since. While their concern was really too much, it *was* a nice coat, so. I vote they start a Mom Magazine, that is mostly also about worrying. It might be too similar to Dad Magazine, but the comparison might be fun in itself.
catoclock+73
I’m spending Thanksgiving in Brazil with my family (leaving tomorrow woooooooo!), and my dad has sent me no fewer than SIX emails over the past week reminding me to:
– make a copy of my passport – pack sunscreen – pack comfortable shoes too! – remember to check in to my flight – watch out for pickpockets in the Rio airport – not withdraw money from remote ATMs alone at night (????)
drashizu+3
Strangely, it’s my mom who’s obsessed with keeping me from using ATMs after sundown (even the ones in front of banks with security cameras and whatnot??) but my dad will never, EVER forget to remind me to check in for my flight. Even when I’m traveling without him!
Teka Lynn+1
Last point: so you don’t get mugged. I second this advice.
Frumiosa+73
Can anybody tell me what that dad is doing to that turkey precisely?
Gearing up for an epic fight over Hillary v. Bernie for prez, led respectively by my grandmother and uncle and sponsored by increasing amounts of liquor.
Christy+55
I envy you–my family’s epic political fight is going to be Carson v. Cruz, most likely, with my mother silently fuming until she bursts out in support of Bernie Sanders.
walrathem+19
Go your mom.
rawrbook+53
I think he just finished deep frying the turkey in a homemade contraption!
And at least your relatives will be arguing about Dems, I’m gearing up for some cringeworthy endorsements of GOP candidates/ideas.
walrathem+4
I kind of think I want to see the diagram for that contraption.
rawrbook+4
Yeah, on second thought it looks more like something to smoke the meat in.
Googling “garbage can turkey” did bring up some delightful tutorials on youtube, which I think might be what he’s doing? Idk, he’s definitely trying to cook it somehow. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9N1rCbscnQ
John H.+4
Yep, it’s trash can turkey. See my comment.
keristars+14
He’s putting it into the deep fryer! You really don’t want to get your hands near when the turkey plops in, so you use a shovel or trash bin or something. Probably he was marinating it in the trash bin earlier!
Source: 16 years of my family doing multiple deep-fried turkeys every year on the Suwanee River
ETA: WAIT i just scrolled up to look again and I mis-interpreted the bottom thing because of the words. I think he’s taking it out of the deep-fryer, not putting it in. That looks like a finishing roaster or something.
Absotively+3
I don’t think that’s a deep fryer below the turkey, though? The opening doesn’t look big enough for the turkey, and there’s wood chips or something around it, so I assumed it was some kind of turkey BBQ setup with the trash can for a lid to keep the heat in.
But I’ve never deep fried or BBQ’d a turkey, so I could certainly be wrong.
EDIT: I posted this before I refreshed and saw keristars’ edit. Oops.
dorianneemmerton+11
Thank you for asking, I could not figure out what disgusting thing was happening in that picture. I couldn’t even tell it was a turkey (Maybe because I’m vegetarian?)
Thujaplicata+8
I assumed it was a homemade smoker based on the wood chips at the bottom of the contraption. As a non-dad and a oven roasted turkey maker, I can’t be certain.
John H.+103
That’s me in the photo and I am cooking our Thanksgiving turkey in a trash can! I’ve cooked our bird this way since 2001. It’s the best way to do it. Takes about two hours, comes out golden brown and delicious. Plus, it’s great to sit around the fire outside and have a drink or two and it leaves the real oven open for other dishes to cook (no stuffing inside.) Google “trash can turkey” and read or watch all about it. I’ve customized my rig to include a wireless temperature probe and rotating spit.
popelizbet+26
Truly you deserve the cover of Dad Magazine, sir. (Welcome to the Toast!)
indiamos+15
I regret that I can thumbs-up this comment but once.
JGlows+5
I wish I had that. Mostly I will have to listen to some insanely detailed analysis of the Bills and the Sabres, followed by a discussion of how That Obama is going to take away Their Guns and Trump Tells The Truth.
90% of the time I am glad I moved here from Denver. It’s that 10% of the time when white folk here show their true colors that is frightening.
projectbeks+24
HATS. My dad is a connoisseur/collector of commemorative baseball hats (including those from teams he only likes because of historical value, i.e. the Big Red Machine; 1915 NY Yankees; etc). He would be all OVER that section. He also collects lightweight jackets, since he lives in a warm climate. He probably hasn’t worn half of them in at least 5 years, but he keeps them. Just in case. His contribution to the tarp section would be the best way to secure them (always have bungee cords of varying lengths on hand. ALWAYS. Why don’t you have half a dozen in your trunk in a small tupperware? Why??). In conclusion: DADS
SarcasticFringehead+9
Okay but one of the first things I bought when I moved to my own apartment was a multi-pack of bungee cords in varying lengths, because what if I need to secure a thing to another thing?
projectbeks+4
I did the same thing! Clearly dads are on to something with their sense of future usefulness…
SarcasticFringehead+5
One of the things I picked up from my dad was not being able to leave the hardware store without spending at least $20 more than I meant to.
MilesofMountain+3
HATS >:| We have no children, but I think my boyfriend is channeling his unexpressed Dad-ness into his collection of baseball caps. He has 43, including multiples of a couple so that he has a work version, a “nice” version, and sometimes a back up for when the “nice” version gets worn and downgrades to the work version. There is also one of his favourites: a bucket hat made of hemp with a fishing lure hooked to it.
sunfastrose+38
My dad’s Thanksgiving this year has to be better than last year. For those who might have a weaker constitution (or can’t deal with long stories), skip to the next comment.
So – dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last September; he’s okay now! He made it through surgery/radiation/chemo, and no signs of cancer!
Anyway, last year he had a very complex surgery the first week of October. Google ‘whipple procedure’ for details. He ended up with an 18 inch incision down the middle of his stomach.
He was recovering well, no signs of infection, stitches holding. The day before Thanksgiving he went to do his usual mall walk. He took a bathroom break – and the stitches burst. He was lucky that he was wearing a sweatshirt because everything that was supposed to be inside him suddenly…wasn’t.
He stumbled out into the mall and was begging people to help. No one did, until he laid down in front of the Victoria’s Secret.
So – last year my dad had emergency surgery the day before Thanksgiving, and spent the holiday in the hospital. This year has got to be better.
One of the best parts for me that even after having gone through this trauma – he still would go back to the same mall to mall walk. Love my dad.
Alli525+15
Jesus. I’m so glad he pulled through – something to be thankful for, for sure – and you have hopefully many more holidays with him.
dorianneemmerton+11
I’m so glad you still have your dad! Pancreatic is one of the worser ones. (My dad has a smile shaped scar instead of a belly button now, though it wasn’t cancer.)
anniekate76+27
Holy crap, his guts fell out in the mall!??! And people didn’t call 911 for him!?!?
My dad’s had a whipple, too! Brutal surgery, but he’s fine now. And that was like 9 years ago! It was recurrent kidney cancer in the pancreas, though, not pancreatic cancer per se.
pomogalatea+14
Oh dear lord, that is… horrific. Much love to your pa and I hope he mall-walks his way to a WAY better year.
littlehuntingcreek+136
Recent text from husband, whose transformation from hot water polo BF/economist into Pure Dad is now complete:
“Did you know that tarps come in different colors?”
sparkwoodand21+70
My husband has been really excited all week about gas prices falling below $2. He also said he wants a “really good vacuum” for Christmas. WE DON’T EVEN HAVE KIDS
falcofield+35
My husband ALSO wants a new vacuum, and plans to spend this coming weekend shrink-sealing our windows. I’ve also got “Kleenex dispenser for car” on his Christmas list because he is worse than five old men combined and our car is littered with balled up tissues. He’s only 29…
champagneghost+11
wait, when does the transformation from BF to Dad-mode happen?
… asking for a friend
littlehuntingcreek+24
It can happen anytime, but most often happens after you have children. Children may not strictly be required. Something sets off the Dad Activation reflex: needing to pack the car for a trip, buying a lawn maintenance tool, and suddenly! DAD CONVERSION ENABLED
ArsenioB_Ham+29
Yes, I think I’ve told this story multiple times before, but my very much childless partner went out of his way to purchase hedgeclippers last fall so he could trim the bushes in a neighbor’s yard, which had overgrown enough that they were obstructing a stop sign.
Ellabee+1
The conversion with my husband began when he started with worrying about flashlights. Do we have enough flashlights? Are the batteries charged? Maybe we need a rechargeable flashlight with a charger that plugs into the wall and it should go in the bathroom where we can also use it as a night light? WHAT IF THE POWER GOES OUT?
avidbiologist+14
Does anyone know where Dad cover submissions should go? If they’re still needed I’d love to send in a selection of my dad’s peak Dad photos but I can’t find where it was mentioned before, or if I just made it up.
vmartinipie+4
I have a really good Christmas themed Dad photo and would also like to know this.
helenebean+11
My dad has hinted that appearing on the cover of Dad Magazine is one of his life goals…
champagneghost+37
the closest thing we’ve ever had to a family debate over thanksgiving was also the first time the bf had dinner with my family. my parents spent most of the night happily gossiping with their friends in chinese, and the only thing my dad said to him during dinner that night was, “Global warming, it’s not real is it?” followed by what he thought was a charming, hearty laugh.
it was not as charming as he thought it was.
swords-and-spindles+24
I think my Dad doesn’t know how to Dad properly. He doesn’t own a single hat, and wouldn’t recognize a tarp if it tried to smother him. My Mom is the utilitarian and DIYer in our family, my father only gets in the way and complains.
jennycieplak+7
Totally possible for a female to achieve dadness! Dads come in all shapes and sizes. 🙂
OtherRoooToo+3
Is your Dad a creative? An art or music history professor, a conductor, an author?
Because those are Diva Dads; and they are of a different breed.
(Guess how I know.)
swords-and-spindles+2
Not in the slightest, he’s an IT guy. Maybe there’s a subspecies of Hapless Nerd Dads?
winterbymorning+63
I’m really looking forward to Christmas with my parents. Last year, when Husband and I got back after a day of sightseeing, my dad bounced out of the kitchen and announced with a radiant smile that he was making mulled wine and “I’m going to add vodka to it as an experiment!”
GreenGrasses+15
WELL?? HOW WAS IT????
winterbymorning+47
He decided to put rum in it instead. A+, would get drunk with my dad again.
threeforgirls+64
Oh man, DADS AND COATS. Actual conversation I had with my dad when I told him I wanted a new one for my birthday:
HIM: Don’t you have one already? ME: Yes, but it doesn’t close all the way up to my neck, and… HIM: Say no more, just tell me when you go shopping so I can send you a check.
katmarie13+76
Has Your Child Winterized Their Car Yet? Maybe You Should Ask Again, Just To Be Sure….
beachlass+4
See also: points 8 through 11 of family dinner discussions/arguments (snow tires)
evieskye+60
When I moved to Michigan for college my dad made sure I had an ice scraper. I did not have a car. None of my roommates had cars. But I was ready to scrape ice.
Social+12
This is the best Dad story.
Unreadaethel+17
I think that’s the Dad equivalent of “here’s a Tupperware of cookies to share so the other kids in the dorm will like you.”
rawrbook+28
I read this as “Have You Winterized Your Child” and it filled me with delight
chiaroscuromom+11
Snow tires, though!
Gryph+2
Remind your child to keep a blanket in the car, just in case.
ipomoea+18
For Thanksgiving, I’m hosting two Dads, mine and the Dad in law. I look forward to mutual football-based soapboxing, and I look less forward to the inevitable political discussions. In-law thinks Hillary is going to use HIPAA to take parental rights away from parents, my Dad thinks she’s too corrupt. I plan on drinking a lot.
Actually, now that I think about it, I’m also going to have Mr Ipo, who is a junior Dad, and my brother, who is a childless Dad, so it’s going to be me, my step-MIL, my mom, and my BFF/fiancee-in-law drinking in the kitchen.
dorianneemmerton+19
I’m actually a bit sad that the Dad Magazine book won’t be out in time to get my dad one for Christmas. Next year, next year.
tragicallyludicrous+8
Awww man, Thanksgiving. Since I moved to the Netherlands I can’t really be home at Thanksgiving, and I miss it a lot. Since my family moved away from the East Coast and all the relatives, the celebrations got smaller and cozier until now it’s just whoever in the immediate family is there in their pajamas all day, watching the sports games, with turkey done whenever it’s done. It’s pretty much the best.
Last year I held a Thanksgiving here for my friends which was actually pretty great, but I don’t think I have time to do it this year. Oh well.
twenty4as+26
My Dad doesn’t ask me about my coats. But he does have a very special relationship with layering that often involves multiple coats. My Mom forces him to go on walks every morning through the winter (unless my Dad can get out of it, which, as far as I can gather, he tries desperately every day), and when it’s anything less than 50 degrees, he wears 2-3 coats (and 2-3 hats) and then halfway through the walk gets further and further behind because he has to start stripping off all of the layers.
lemonadefish+12
My sister’s dad has an elaborate system of hoodies, and will zip or unzip, and put up or take down the hoods of each one to achieve perfect insulation in a multitude of temperatures…
falcofield+27
My parents came up this weekend for a business meeting, but popped by for a visit as we were in the midst of finishing our basement AND powder room. My dad and I went through every nut, bolt, or weird bit that I could find from my father-in-law’s old junk and he helpfully sorted out what to keep, what to toss, and what is GOOD METAL TO GET MONEY FOR!
He was also so suspicious of “fast food” (from a place around the corner from us) and instead drove an extra 20 minutes in traffic to get his classic, safe Swiss Chalet quarter chicken meal instead.
Mrs_Peel+8
I didn’t know Swiss Chalet still existed! I have tons of their tiny ceramic sauce containers, which my grandmother stole over the decades.
groovealee+35
Dad Magazine posts always put a smile on my face. They make me reminisce about my Dad, who passed away 14 years ago.
My husband is all about tarps. This past summer he went on a mission to find a thick, quality tarp that would last more than one season. He found one that is so sturdy it’s hard to fold it back up. We’ll see if it lasts!
Perdita McLeod+26
When you live in the Seattle Metropolitan Area and have occasion to take Highway 167 out to Puyallup (or back), you will drive by a huge sign for a magical place called “TARP WORLD.” I have seen this sign a thousand times, yet I have never gone to check out Tarp World because I don’t believe that it could live up to my, by this point, wild expectations.
It sounds like a place your husband would love just as it is, though.
PonyAlong+19
“Dad Magazine posts always put a smile on my face. They make me reminisce about my Dad, who passed away 14 years ago.”
Me, too. ❤️ Miss that snarly so-and-so everyday, he would have really enjoyed DM.
atlasblue85+15
Last year I asked for a new winter coat for my birthday so I went out and bought one and had my dad pay me back. Every single time he saw me wearing it after that: “Are you sure that’s warm enough? It doesn’t seem heavy enough to be warm. You sure you’re not too cold with only that?”
Thujaplicata+15
I went home for a visit this last weekend and soon after getting out of the car was asked if I had seen the old truck going by on the road. My dad had finally broken down and sold it for scrap. The rest of the weekend included many references to how he should have sold it when steel was $60 a ton instead of $10.
wickedtongue+10
I love Dad Magazine. Even though my dad does not fit the usual dad mode (he cooks, he bakes, he antiques and bargain clothes shops with a passion), there will always be one feature that’s right on target. This time:
“Checking in! Just making sure you have a nice coat!”
ipomoea+26
Y’all, on Monday I got a very excited text and picture from my dad, both of which never happen.
He’s in California on a work trip and he was getting In-n-Out for the first time, so he sent me a picture of his tray. I asked him what he thought of it and then he item-by-item compared it to Dick’s in Seattle, which of course won the contest because he doesn’t have to go to goddamn California for Dick’s.
Hotbuttonissue+3
Dicks is the best! Did you know a Deluxe only cost 24 cents in the 60’s?
ipomoea+4
I think the only thing that made me moving into Seattle proper palatable to my rural parents was that to get to my house you have to drive by a Dick’s.
(And my dad will regale me with Dick’s trivia for DAYS.)
vmartinipie+45
“A sweater that doesn’t have a closure? What’s the point?” “A jacket with sleeves that aren’t elasticated at the wrists? That’s just wasting your warmth.” “A hat without earflaps? What are you, just excited for the cold?” –my dad about all my garments
brujaja+5
I love Dad Magazine, reading the comments always makes me smile. I’m looking forward to wine tasting with my dad this weekend!
thezlot+74
I am also envious of those who have Dads (my dad is more like a 70-year-old angry teenager who needs boundaries and discipline), but once you open yourself to the world of Dads, you witness so many great moments vicariously. The other day, I was having a family meal at my boyfriend’s sister’s place, and her father-in-law came in and the first thing he said to his son, before “hi” or anything, was, “Did you notice that one of your rear tires is a little low?”
whizzdumb+10
I am not a dad but am exhibiting many of the dad-like behaviors detailed above. If something comes up in conversation and there is any chance that a tarp could help, I am quick mention that I have a tarp in the back of my car. Also, I take weird surface streets sometimes instead of the highways, but that depends on time of day and where I’m going. There are a lot of back-ways to take in Oakland. Also Also, I want a nice new powerful vacuum and there’s a very full hat rack on the inside of my closet door.
Dan In Kansas
Yeah, but you live in Oakland. What you might lose in time, you’ll gain in life expectancy from not having your blood pressure spike when 580 is going parade speed for no reason and the radio traffic report doesn’t even mention it.
wallpaperori+33
My parents live in a city (in New England, but still) and a few years ago my dad bough a VERY ugly barn coat made out of llama or alpaca or something. And he *loves* it. It is terrible, and we all tease him about it when he puts it on, but it is very warm, and my dad likes the idea of a barn coat. Whenever he puts it on at home, he comes in to show us all, and whenever I’m not there and he puts it on, he texts me about it.
mbculver+9
My dad had an amazing and well-loved collection of bugly overshirts, some lined, some not. (Hey, you had to have something warmish to wear while moving stuff around on a tarp.) After he died my stepmom gave me first pick and now I have 2 incredibly terrible overshirts – one lined, one not. Wear them all the time. 🙂
dorianneemmerton+14
My Dad (and Mom) will also drive 7 hours instead of 5 just to avoid the highways to visit me. They claim it would be 7 hours anyway for the time they’d spend stopped in highway traffic, but I do that drive three times more than they do and it’s just…not true. Yes, you spend some time stopped but not like 2 hours worth. (I’ve also taking to leaving after dinner time, having pretty much no traffic and my kid & partner conk out so I can listen to MY music, muahahaha.)
I’m also trying to quell anxiety about the fact that my kid will never appreciate this as he has no Dad. Anyone in here with two moms (or one mom, or just, like, no Dad) want to tell me they don’t resent it?
ofTrebond+35
Dad-ness is a state of mind! A set of behaviors! People are constantly posting here about how Dad-ish their moms or other people in their lives are. You have just told us all about your trip planning techniques and how long it takes if you do it your way; I am confident your child will appreciate Dad Magazine.
gripyfish+19
Yes, this exactly! As someone who, if I have kids, will be one mom out of a two-mom parenting…team? (couple? whatever, there will be two of us), I know and have basically accepted that I will be the Dad Magazine representative of the family.
My penchant for terrible puns and/or obsessive worry about planning things has to serve some purpose, after all.
dorianneemmerton+18
You guys are right! Thank youso much! I may not know from tarps or tools, but when it comes to very particular attention-to-detail trip planning – and also bad puns! – I AM DAD.
ArsenioB_Ham+29
Even cis-Dads (i.e. Dads who are men who have fathered children) are not 100% Dad-ly all the time. In many ways, Dad is a Platonic ideal that no one person can reach in every aspect of their life.
Unreadaethel+52
Be the Dad you wish to see in the world.
KayJay+8
I grew up without a dad (and with practically no male influence at all, really) and my mom is the one who taught me to change a tire, use power tools, fix a toilet, etc. People used to ask me and my sister if it was hard not having a dad, and we would always say we did have a dad, that our mom was our mom AND our dad.
In fact, the other day she was telling me all about how she needs a new tarp for camping.
popelizbet+7
I have more of a Kafka’s Dad than a Dad, but he once had his moments, so these are bittersweet.
diaryofamadeditor+9
Dad Mag always makes my heart empty feeling, but in a wistful not terribly unpleasant kind of way that compels me to read it every month. My father has never approached Peak Dad and I have no idea what any of you are talking about. And I read all the comments with all the Dadding and it’s like, oh, my dad is so not a Dad. Further, I didn’t know that my dad was not a Dad until Dad Magazine its comments. And I read about all your Dads and think about how nice it must be and I’m happy for all of your shared tarps and safety and silly responsible things. I love my dad but he is not a Dad. My dad gives zero fucks about tarps.
tinypaperme+7
My dad gives zero fucks about tarps, doesn’t watch football, and isn’t interested in military history, but he owns a clean suit (he got it from the discard pile at work and now uses it to rake leaves, change his oil, and anything else that would result in accidentally getting his clothese dirty), always has an assortment of zipties, and eats bologna roll-ups (peel edge off bologna. spread bologna with mustard. roll and eat). All dads have at least a little Dad in them.
RudyRed+12
I just realized that, when it comes to winter coats, I am like the Daddest Dad.
(True story: one of my first gifts to my partner was an old winter coat. HE STILL DOESN’T DRESS WARM ENOUGH.)
Unreadaethel+9
My boss is an A+ dad, so I basically get to live inside of Dad magazine at work every day. It’s pretty magical.
thatwasntme+20
My parents quietly disliked each other for much of my life (they’ve since divorced), so my dad’s Dad Quirks just fanned my mom’s resentment and dislike. I ended up absorbing her feelings, but diluted, so I was merely annoyed. Honestly reading all of these affectionate comments have helped me reframe perceptions I didn’t realize I still had remnants of. Jesus, who cares if my dad always orders water at restaurants because he doesn’t want to pay for soda? It’s way healthier! Or wears socks until they are more hole than sock? It doesn’t matter!
jennycieplak+4
This is so similar to my life. Who cares if dad’s family is a little messy, a little loud? They’re a lot of fun! (Well, most of them, some of them are just angry Republicans…)
solargroovy+6
Almost a perfect score for me in Dad Magazine: 1. Coat..Car pooling my daughter: Where’s your coat, son? 2. MacGyver..Wish I could show you a picture of my DIY sous vide cooker (too small for a turkey) 3. Tarps..Almost, but for me it’s rope so that’s close enough for full credit 4. Hats..Tons of ’em. I could probably use an article about how to take care of ’em. 5. Thanksgiving Argument..Normally not an issue, but this year we have to drive our daughter to Vegas for a soccer tournament over Thanksgiving, so there’s going to be multiple meltdowns
captainstrudels+41
In college one winter I overslept for an 8:00 exam and ended up sprinting to class in my pajamas (pink sweats and a long sleeved t-shirt, slippers on feet). My dad worked in an office building close to my school and had to drive through campus every morning to get to his parking garage. As I’m frantically scrabbling up the hill to my class, my phone rings. It’s my dad. He identified me from a MOVING VEHICLE at at least 60 paces and was calling to express his shock and concern at my coatless state. He wouldn’t hang up until I swore I’d go back to my dorm immediately after my exam for my coat. It’s been 7 years and I’ve yet to live this down.
thetimekeptcity+3
Incredible!
Scarlet Librarian+4
I found out I would be going to Minnesota for school during the Oh, God, Why? Freeze of early 2014, and the coat was only the beginning. For the past two winters, the concern has been “Do you have enough good socks? Okay, but do you have enough liner socks? Are you SURE you don’t want mittens? If you decide you need anything else, just let us know. Mittens are really warmer than gloves.”
Dads.
AblativeAbsolut+10
My boss is not old at all, but I am realizing that he is sort of our Company Dad. He has strong opinions on socks that slide down in your boots, he thinks it’s not only acceptable but positively necessary for our company to “like” its own Facebook posts, and having him around is a bit like having MacGyver around if MacGyver’s “fixes” inevitably fell apart after about a week and he kept insisting that he’d “fixed” whatever was broken permanently. I was not at all surprised to discover that each of his children got a carabiner in their stocking last year.
Unreadaethel+4
In our office stockings last year, we each got a pair of wonderful, thick hiking socks. They’re amazing.
treereenee+21
1) we have a little corner cabinet on the kitchen counter, with a roll-up door. Husband calls this the “coffee garage”
2) inside the coffee garage, he keeps his collection of used paper towels. You know, the ones that are too dirty to wipe your hands on, but not dirty enough to throw away.
He is making nice progress towards peak Dad.
summerestherson+14
I’d like to point out that I love Dad Magazine but it is very biased towards “Cold Climate Dads.”
My dad has some very Dad qualities, but as Floridians, we do not have the coat/hat/glove/winterizing concerns.
However my dad is ALWAYS asking me about my car.
“Have you checked your oil level lately? You should check your dipstick regularly! When was the last time you had your oil changed? Have you checked your tire pressure?”
When I was in college and home for the weekend he would insist on doing a full inspection of my car before I left to go back to school. And he would always do it AS I was trying to leave. Like, my car’s been sitting here all weekend and now, when I’m trying to pull out of the driveway you want to do this?
Oh, and he’d always drag out the hose, “You know you really need to wash all these lovebugs off before they mess up the paint. ” <—–PRIME FLORIDA DAD
Another Florida Dad concern is wiper blades because it rains so much.
catmanscrothers+4
also, FloridaDads make sure your coolant levels are okay. Do you keep coolant in your car? You should really have some in your car, just in case. And did you know that (Company Just Down The Road) is doing A/C checks for $20?? That’s a good deal.
poppy+9
These comments made me smile so hard thinking about my dad and grandfathers. The thing about Dads is that they CARE, frequently too much about the small things, but also about the big things. My dad once drove 700 miles to help me when my car broke down, and helped me move via U-Haul from West Texas to North Carolina (which involved tarps, bungee cords, efficient packing, car repair, and detailed lessons on reversing with a trailer). Every time he admonishes me for not owning enough tools or tries to convince me of an Internet conspiracy theory, I try to remember it is because he really CARES about my well being.
katesonnet
The last time I had a serious boyfriend, it just so happened that his meeting my parents for the first time (I was living with them) coincided with me taking my car in for new tires and a new battery at Pep Boys–and Pep Boys utterly screwing it all up. My dad has a long-standing policy of only going to Pep Boys for like, oil and windshield wiper blades (they are crazy good at putting new blades on!) but for anything service-related, he normally avoids Pep Boys like the plague. But we were intrigued by some special they were running.
Anyway, it's now the end of the day, the car's back home, and then BF is walking up the driveway to ring the doorbell while my dad is AGAIN under the hood of my car, cursing out Pep Boys because he knows something isn't right. *He just knows.*
And yes–they had never actually installed the new battery, despite charging me for it. The old, dying battery was still sitting in my poor little blue Ford Focus, covered in 7 years of grime and oil or whatever.
So then-BF's introduction to my dad went like this:
Dad: Hey, take a look at [katesonnet's] car battery. Does that look new to you?! I think it's the old battery!
BF: …Yes, sir. It looks like the original/old battery. See how it's all covered in gunk and like, old? (I'm paraphrasing b/c I don't know how anything about car batteries but I'm guessing a new, freshly-installed one would…look new and freshly installed?)
Dad: [5-minute tirade about Pep Boys, peppered with numerous profanities].
BF: …Nice to meet you, [katesonnet's dad]! I'm here to pick her up?
Dad: What? Oh yeah, she's inside. Hey, nice to meet you too!
Aurelia+1
A whole “Utilitarian Issue,” and no instructions on how to channel your inner John Stuart Mill?
Soph+2
Headlines for my dad:
“Your house – Is it North facing?!?” (we live in Australia) “Soft jazz – pretty funky!” “Is your daughter wearing enough SUNSCREEN?” “What to do if your wife is being passive aggressive and patting her on the back and giggling isn’t working”
Photo credit: Molly Hansen 
Last year’s Thanksgiving argument: No Dad, the Redskins should NOT be allowed to keep their name
This year’s argument: TBD
October’s anniversary dinner argument: What I Would Have Said To Your Boss
Thanksgiving argument: good grief who even knows, ugh.
Here is my tip for arguments with Dads: you’re going to have one, make it be about something where you can make a lot of good points and then concede.
Like the Grant presidency. Or the oligarchical weirdness of the Adams/Jefferson friendship.
This also introduces the important point that ideally, Dad arguments should revolve around people who have been dead for at least 150 years, and therefore have no stake in the outcome.
last year’s Thanksgiving argument: You want to major in WOMENS STUDIES?!?! at WELLESLEY?!?!?!
This year’s Thanksgiving argument: You have a GIRLFRIEND?!?! and you didnt get into WELLESLEY!?!?!?!
I asked my dad what he wanted for Christmas one year with the fullest intent of getting him precisely what he wanted, nothing more, nothing less.
He wound up unwrapping a $5 blue tarp with such silent, unassailable contentment.
This is every man in my mom’s side of the family. My husband and his family are so much harder.
WAIT, where are you getting tarps for that kind of money? How big was it?
Yeah $5 is a good deal for a tarp and I want in.
Harbor Freight is NOT DICKING AROUND: http://www.harborfreight.com/7-ft-4-inch-x-9-ft-6…
my partner is a DAD and so the literal best is going tool-shopping with him at harbor freight!
I LIVE 3 MINS AWAY FROM ONE. YESSSSS I need more tarps.
/dad moment
Also IKEA, over by the furniture pick up after you go through the registers.
I swear to god I have bought my dad the exact same thing. He also once asked for plain, white under shirts. He was very happy.
My husband just suggested I get him some new socks and boxers for Christmas. We are childfree, but he is definitely A Dad.
My husband wants socks and undershirts. Childfree Dads are everywhere.
my brother and I got our dad white crew neck undershirts for father’s day every year for like 8 years and every year he would say “oh hey I’ve been needing more of these!”
never change, white undershirt dads
For my dad it was white and blue Oxford shirts. We eventually rebelled.
My grandpa always asks for tall socks. He wears leg braces up to his knees, and has trouble finding tall enough socks. That genuinely is the only thing he ever asks for as a present.
I am now hoping you buy him snowboard socks, as a grandpa with fiercely colored tall socks would be the best.
I’m sure he would be the talk of the nursing home.
For several years we would wrap a pineapple and hand it to my father-in-law. The first time he opened the top and thought it was a plant and got all huffy, but we convinced him to persevere because he’d like it, and he did, and i think he never actually expected to like a present before that.
After we had established what he liked, we started switching it up with bananas and various exotic fruits. Part of the elegance of this answer was the horrified look on my mother-in-law’s face.
For Christmas one year we got my father-in-law a Brita pitcher, kind of as an “I don’t know what to get you, picky man, so here” gift. He LOVED it. He still has the same one and is so careful about making sure the filter bottom stays covered with water. Best gift we’ve ever gotten him.
My dad gets mustard. Or fancy olives. Pretty much everything my family gives each other can be purchased at the local grocery store.
TARPS, THOUGH.
(My dad has a careful system of raking leaves onto a tarp in a grid system across the yard, then dumping the leaves in the woods behind the house. DADS!)
This is exactly what I do as well. Guess where I learned it. (Hint: my dad, not your dad, that’d be creepy.)
Yes! There are the yard tarps, the garage tarps, and then the tarps that keep the wood pile dry.
Perhaps Dad Magazine could start an offshoot press that publishes a taxonomy of tarps?
Don’t forget the camping tarps!
My dad uses giant cut pieces of former billboard plastic to cover the wood pile. The billboard was for Dasani. He was so smug about it when he first got them. DADS. TARPS.
Billboard plastic story! I did disaster response while serving in AmeriCorps.
My first tornado response, we were tarping roofs (side note, I’m pretty good at tarping roofs now). Because we got weird donations a lot, we had a stash of old billboard plastic that we would use as tarps. We tried to put them on so you couldn’t see the advertisement, buuuuut it didn’t always happen. I distinctly remember a red casino billboard tarped to an equally red house…
Do you have any good tips for roof tarping? I live in a big spring sub tropical storm area and our roof leaks. Last spring I got a whole heap of tarps and tried to cover the roof but did it at noon when it was about a billion degrees, ended up chucking a major tantrum and throwing them all off the roof in a fit of teary grumpy rage. Boyfriend is too tall and heavy to go up on our crappy roof so it falls to me. I gave up and for the last year we’ve lived with the odd bit of rain coming through. This kind of needs to change.
We took the leaves to the curb so the leaf truck could pick them up. There was as much need for tarps in the ‘burbs as there was in the country.
“Yes, but is it a WARM coat? You need to stay warm! Where is your balaclava? Why don’t you wear it to work? How many pairs of gloves do you have?” [Segue into the eternal gloves v. Mittens debate]
My dad gets me those little heat pack things and then recommends the best ways to use them. Top options so far: in my pockets for quick warm-ups during snowblowing, and always having some in my glove compartment. Because you NEVER KNOW.
I live in FLORIDA and my dad gave me 6 packs last year for Christmas and i expect another set this year. He asked me a few weeks ago “hey, did you stick the extras in your glove compartment?” and was making noises about how he saved them to stick in his gloves when on his motorcycle, since the mornings get cold before you can find them in the stores, and maybe i need a pair of gloves for my bike so I can do the same thing…
I made my dad a set of little reusable flax seed filled hand warmers for Christmas last year. I was just home visiting and they are looking very well used and I have been informed that several family friends would also appreciate hand warmers this Christmas.
My father-in-law gives us 3-4 hand warmer packs apiece as stocking gifts every year. As cold as it gets here in Boston, we never use that many. I think we’re still using the ones from around 2009.
MITTENS FOREVER
commerative?
Dads don’t have time for spelling, there are hats to organize.
Dad spelled it right. It’s just that he has man-handwriting that’s hard to read.
My dad once drunk dialed me to “sheck in.”
The best (well, only) drunk dial I ever received from my father was from the top of a mountain in Germany that he and my mother were getting ready to sled down after drinking a lot of schnapps and possibly agreeing to purchase a beagle puppy, although he wasn’t sure because neither of them speaks German.
The last time my partner spoke to his stepdad, his stepdad had been drinkin’ and footballin’. He told my partner that he would vote for me for president, and that America needs a candidate like me! How many electoral college votes does a suburban San Francisco Dad get?
My parents drunk dial me about once a year, emphasizing how they are the “cool parents”. It’s just, so, so weird.
I’d like an investigation into why Area Dads insist on taking surface streets instead of the highway to get everywhere, but then go into a rage whenever they hit a red light or a stop sign.
It May Not Be Any Faster, but I Just Feel Better in Traffic that’s Moving
One man’s journey, which used to be a lot easier before they put all those lights in. There’s never anybody at that intersection anyway!
This 71 Year Old Man Refuses To Acknowledge The Eisenhower Highway System, See How He Does It!
Oh dear god, this is my father. It’s like a shark rules, but for an old Midwest man in dockers.
I see you have driven with my dad!
I… do this. I heartily blame my stepdad.
DADS.
this is word for word my mom’s reasoning on her drives. As someone who has spent a lot of time in her car when in traffic, I always heartily agree.
My mum does this too. If there is a back way she will take it, the smaller the roads the better, and she will drive 10 minutes out of her way to avoid one red light.
Yes! Both my parents did this. They claimed to know a faster to way to anything. You have to take the “rabbit trails”
My dad insists on taking his own secret dad way everywhere. Often it’s the straightest (and slowest) line. Or the “scenic route”. Or he just wants to drive us by this house to look at their garage door (we installed that one! and that one!).
Hee. My brother and I call these Dad’s “long cuts.”
Okay, I finally signed up for Intense Debate so I could share this story, as told by my dad:
My grandfather has always been a stickler for driving rules (use your signals, no rolling stops, etc). One time, my dad was in the car with him driving, and my elderly grandfather made a turn without using a signal. When my dad pointed this out, Grampy said, “I’ve lived in this town long enough, they should know where I’m going.”
I’m so glad someone else did this so I didn’t have to.
Heck ya, Utilitarianism! I love using something that was intended for one purpose for another. It makes all my craft/DIY/pioneer/artist brain parts sing.
Thanksgiving/Family Supper Argument Guide
5. If family arguments are not your style; consider an edifying discussion (lecture)
(a) nuclear physics, CANDU reactors and heavy water
(b) bundles of enriched uranium, not rods
(c) retrofitting coal plants
(brought to you by our actual family supper discussion on Sunday night)
Do you live with my parents?
Does going home for a family meal include a car inspection more thorough than the one you pay for at the garage, and questions about where your tire gauge is, anyway?
My dad deemed my regular old tire gauge inadequate, and bought me a digital one that talks.
I am NOT admitting that I have misplaced the digital one.
Look! New rims for my snow tires!
/distraction
My dad bought me a giant pair of hedge clippers and a battery tester when my parents visited last May. (I have had the same tire gauge he gave me since 1997.)
Oh yes, my dad looks over my car when ever I go visit. He’s been very concerned about the scratches on one of the doors.
Sounds better than mine. That turned into a table divided on the very serious matter of butt wiping. How much toilet paper to use, whether you fold or wrap it nicely or just grab a bunch and wad it, angles of attack, etc. Usually that’s more holiday conversation for us than average Sunday.
Our TMI conversations usually are about bra sizes.
My family does not know the meaning of tmi. An enduring holiday memory is being eleven or so at Easter while my grandfather and uncles had an in depth conversation about whether or not Pinot Grigio meant Greasy Penis in Italian. They decided it did.
Bra sizes are too vanilla for them. Instead we once had an hour long conversation about pasties.
Nothing is off limits.
Pasties!
Sometimes I don’t react well to bandaids, and so I worry about the adhesive on pasties?
We never got around to actually discussing the pros and cons. I think it all started because my aunt can’t pronounce the word pasty.
I’m pretty sure our entire holiday conversation then degenerated into one uncle trying to hum/whistle/sing burlesque music while the other two made twirling motions with their fingers in front of their blazers. My (all male, all very young) cousins eventually joined in. Grandpa may have too. Grandma was somewhere else, drunk and complaining about Russians.
I’m not positive, but I’m fairly certain this isn’t normal Christmas dinner behavior.
My last big family Christmas involved a heated debate in response to the question, “Would you rather be a horse’s ass or an asshole?” It’s possible you and I are related.
My dad grew up on a farm, and majored in biology in college. All conversations were horrifying.
So many family dinners turn to poop. Why.
But all food turns to … oh.
We never have family arguments at Christmas, it’s usually just me and my brother discussing internet security / privacy / conspiracy theories, then our Mom telling us not to argue with each other, then us explaining to her we’re discussing, not arguing, then our father yelling at us to stop yelling. Then sullen silence for the rest of the meal.
Maybe we should actually try nuclear physics this year.
At one family gathering during my childhood, my granddad (who was very much a Dad), several uncles, and one of my aunts got into an extended argument about dodecahedrons. I don’t remember what started it or what exactly was the point, but I do remember it went on for ages and involved lots of napkin sketching.
We got a half hour lecture about how salt is mined/harvested/processed from my father-in-law last time they visited. Such detail about flavors and sourcing and nutrition. I mean, it was rough.
Last Thanksgiving we had an unexpected guest (unexpected to me, at least; apparently my host knew he was coming) explain to us in excruciating detail – ecks-kruuuu-shi-aaaating detail – how refrigerator coolant works. I finally begged off by claiming I had to go home and check on the cat, who had a stomach bug (she didn’t).
My husband, and Dad to my kids, just said: “It expands through a thermal expansion valve … low pressure valve, high pressure valve …
coils … There! That wasn’t excrutiating detail, was it?”
Me: “Oh, no, of course not.”
Coats though. Maybe it’s because I live in Vermont but neither of my parents will ever stop worrying about coats.
My dad is obsessed with coat weight, and how you need a range of coat weights. It might be because they’ve lived in Denver now for nearly 20 years, which is a place of extremely variable weather and so you need a coat for when it’s very cold and snowing, when it’s less cold, when it’s almost not cold enough for a coat but still is, when it’s 40 degrees but when the sun hits you it still feels warm, etc. This is why I have a down winter jacket in a country where, while winter is bleak, it is a rainy sort of bleak. (But I have appreciated it the 4 weeks I’ve needed it, so.)
Coats.
For when it’s cold but dry, cold but wet, wet and windy, foggy (variable temps)… And the variety of gloves to go with all of the above situations.
AND all the various levels of formality! Cold but wet casual/sporty, cold but wet professional, cold but wet dressy…
When I spent a semester in Yorkshire, with plans to travel in Norway, my parents deliberately got me a hoodie that was 3 sizes too large, so I could wear it over multiple layers of other clothes.
It totally worked.
I started walking my mom’s dogs twice a week last fall, and ONE TIME I wore an older coat that I still liked – all the buttons had fallen off and it was too small, but it’s wool and it wasn’t that cold, so wearing it open is more comfortable anyway – and then, months later, at Christmas, she and my gramma had pooled their money to buy me a very expensive, warm, extra long coat. Nevermind that I already have a dozen other warm coats that I’d consistently wear dog walking; after I unwrapped it, my mom even went out of her way to point out to everyone else in the family that specific day months earlier when I’d worn an old coat, and how she – and gramma – had been worrying about me ever since. While their concern was really too much, it *was* a nice coat, so.
I vote they start a Mom Magazine, that is mostly also about worrying. It might be too similar to Dad Magazine, but the comparison might be fun in itself.
I’m spending Thanksgiving in Brazil with my family (leaving tomorrow woooooooo!), and my dad has sent me no fewer than SIX emails over the past week reminding me to:
– make a copy of my passport
– pack sunscreen
– pack comfortable shoes too!
– remember to check in to my flight
– watch out for pickpockets in the Rio airport
– not withdraw money from remote ATMs alone at night (????)
Strangely, it’s my mom who’s obsessed with keeping me from using ATMs after sundown (even the ones in front of banks with security cameras and whatnot??) but my dad will never, EVER forget to remind me to check in for my flight. Even when I’m traveling without him!
Last point: so you don’t get mugged. I second this advice.
Can anybody tell me what that dad is doing to that turkey precisely?
Gearing up for an epic fight over Hillary v. Bernie for prez, led respectively by my grandmother and uncle and sponsored by increasing amounts of liquor.
I envy you–my family’s epic political fight is going to be Carson v. Cruz, most likely, with my mother silently fuming until she bursts out in support of Bernie Sanders.
Go your mom.
I think he just finished deep frying the turkey in a homemade contraption!
And at least your relatives will be arguing about Dems, I’m gearing up for some cringeworthy endorsements of GOP candidates/ideas.
I kind of think I want to see the diagram for that contraption.
Yeah, on second thought it looks more like something to smoke the meat in.
Googling “garbage can turkey” did bring up some delightful tutorials on youtube, which I think might be what he’s doing? Idk, he’s definitely trying to cook it somehow.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9N1rCbscnQ
Yep, it’s trash can turkey. See my comment.
He’s putting it into the deep fryer! You really don’t want to get your hands near when the turkey plops in, so you use a shovel or trash bin or something. Probably he was marinating it in the trash bin earlier!
Source: 16 years of my family doing multiple deep-fried turkeys every year on the Suwanee River
ETA: WAIT i just scrolled up to look again and I mis-interpreted the bottom thing because of the words. I think he’s taking it out of the deep-fryer, not putting it in. That looks like a finishing roaster or something.
I don’t think that’s a deep fryer below the turkey, though? The opening doesn’t look big enough for the turkey, and there’s wood chips or something around it, so I assumed it was some kind of turkey BBQ setup with the trash can for a lid to keep the heat in.
But I’ve never deep fried or BBQ’d a turkey, so I could certainly be wrong.
EDIT: I posted this before I refreshed and saw keristars’ edit. Oops.
Thank you for asking, I could not figure out what disgusting thing was happening in that picture. I couldn’t even tell it was a turkey (Maybe because I’m vegetarian?)
I assumed it was a homemade smoker based on the wood chips at the bottom of the contraption. As a non-dad and a oven roasted turkey maker, I can’t be certain.
That’s me in the photo and I am cooking our Thanksgiving turkey in a trash can! I’ve cooked our bird this way since 2001. It’s the best way to do it. Takes about two hours, comes out golden brown and delicious. Plus, it’s great to sit around the fire outside and have a drink or two and it leaves the real oven open for other dishes to cook (no stuffing inside.) Google “trash can turkey” and read or watch all about it. I’ve customized my rig to include a wireless temperature probe and rotating spit.
Truly you deserve the cover of Dad Magazine, sir. (Welcome to the Toast!)
I regret that I can thumbs-up this comment but once.
I wish I had that. Mostly I will have to listen to some insanely detailed analysis of the Bills and the Sabres, followed by a discussion of how That Obama is going to take away Their Guns and Trump Tells The Truth.
90% of the time I am glad I moved here from Denver. It’s that 10% of the time when white folk here show their true colors that is frightening.
HATS. My dad is a connoisseur/collector of commemorative baseball hats (including those from teams he only likes because of historical value, i.e. the Big Red Machine; 1915 NY Yankees; etc). He would be all OVER that section. He also collects lightweight jackets, since he lives in a warm climate. He probably hasn’t worn half of them in at least 5 years, but he keeps them. Just in case.
His contribution to the tarp section would be the best way to secure them (always have bungee cords of varying lengths on hand. ALWAYS. Why don’t you have half a dozen in your trunk in a small tupperware? Why??).
In conclusion: DADS
Okay but one of the first things I bought when I moved to my own apartment was a multi-pack of bungee cords in varying lengths, because what if I need to secure a thing to another thing?
I did the same thing! Clearly dads are on to something with their sense of future usefulness…
One of the things I picked up from my dad was not being able to leave the hardware store without spending at least $20 more than I meant to.
HATS >:| We have no children, but I think my boyfriend is channeling his unexpressed Dad-ness into his collection of baseball caps. He has 43, including multiples of a couple so that he has a work version, a “nice” version, and sometimes a back up for when the “nice” version gets worn and downgrades to the work version. There is also one of his favourites: a bucket hat made of hemp with a fishing lure hooked to it.
My dad’s Thanksgiving this year has to be better than last year. For those who might have a weaker constitution (or can’t deal with long stories), skip to the next comment.
So – dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last September; he’s okay now! He made it through surgery/radiation/chemo, and no signs of cancer!
Anyway, last year he had a very complex surgery the first week of October. Google ‘whipple procedure’ for details. He ended up with an 18 inch incision down the middle of his stomach.
He was recovering well, no signs of infection, stitches holding. The day before Thanksgiving he went to do his usual mall walk. He took a bathroom break – and the stitches burst. He was lucky that he was wearing a sweatshirt because everything that was supposed to be inside him suddenly…wasn’t.
He stumbled out into the mall and was begging people to help. No one did, until he laid down in front of the Victoria’s Secret.
So – last year my dad had emergency surgery the day before Thanksgiving, and spent the holiday in the hospital. This year has got to be better.
One of the best parts for me that even after having gone through this trauma – he still would go back to the same mall to mall walk. Love my dad.
Jesus. I’m so glad he pulled through – something to be thankful for, for sure – and you have hopefully many more holidays with him.
I’m so glad you still have your dad! Pancreatic is one of the worser ones. (My dad has a smile shaped scar instead of a belly button now, though it wasn’t cancer.)
Holy crap, his guts fell out in the mall!??! And people didn’t call 911 for him!?!?
My dad’s had a whipple, too! Brutal surgery, but he’s fine now. And that was like 9 years ago! It was recurrent kidney cancer in the pancreas, though, not pancreatic cancer per se.
Oh dear lord, that is… horrific. Much love to your pa and I hope he mall-walks his way to a WAY better year.
Recent text from husband, whose transformation from hot water polo BF/economist into Pure Dad is now complete:
“Did you know that tarps come in different colors?”
My husband has been really excited all week about gas prices falling below $2. He also said he wants a “really good vacuum” for Christmas. WE DON’T EVEN HAVE KIDS
My husband ALSO wants a new vacuum, and plans to spend this coming weekend shrink-sealing our windows. I’ve also got “Kleenex dispenser for car” on his Christmas list because he is worse than five old men combined and our car is littered with balled up tissues. He’s only 29…
wait, when does the transformation from BF to Dad-mode happen?
… asking for a friend
It can happen anytime, but most often happens after you have children. Children may not strictly be required. Something sets off the Dad Activation reflex: needing to pack the car for a trip, buying a lawn maintenance tool, and suddenly! DAD CONVERSION ENABLED
Yes, I think I’ve told this story multiple times before, but my very much childless partner went out of his way to purchase hedgeclippers last fall so he could trim the bushes in a neighbor’s yard, which had overgrown enough that they were obstructing a stop sign.
The conversion with my husband began when he started with worrying about flashlights. Do we have enough flashlights? Are the batteries charged? Maybe we need a rechargeable flashlight with a charger that plugs into the wall and it should go in the bathroom where we can also use it as a night light? WHAT IF THE POWER GOES OUT?
Does anyone know where Dad cover submissions should go? If they’re still needed I’d love to send in a selection of my dad’s peak Dad photos but I can’t find where it was mentioned before, or if I just made it up.
I have a really good Christmas themed Dad photo and would also like to know this.
My dad has hinted that appearing on the cover of Dad Magazine is one of his life goals…
the closest thing we’ve ever had to a family debate over thanksgiving was also the first time the bf had dinner with my family. my parents spent most of the night happily gossiping with their friends in chinese, and the only thing my dad said to him during dinner that night was, “Global warming, it’s not real is it?” followed by what he thought was a charming, hearty laugh.
it was not as charming as he thought it was.
I think my Dad doesn’t know how to Dad properly. He doesn’t own a single hat, and wouldn’t recognize a tarp if it tried to smother him. My Mom is the utilitarian and DIYer in our family, my father only gets in the way and complains.
Totally possible for a female to achieve dadness! Dads come in all shapes and sizes. 🙂
Is your Dad a creative? An art or music history professor, a conductor, an author?
Because those are Diva Dads; and they are of a different breed.
(Guess how I know.)
Not in the slightest, he’s an IT guy. Maybe there’s a subspecies of Hapless Nerd Dads?
I’m really looking forward to Christmas with my parents. Last year, when Husband and I got back after a day of sightseeing, my dad bounced out of the kitchen and announced with a radiant smile that he was making mulled wine and “I’m going to add vodka to it as an experiment!”
WELL?? HOW WAS IT????
He decided to put rum in it instead. A+, would get drunk with my dad again.
Oh man, DADS AND COATS. Actual conversation I had with my dad when I told him I wanted a new one for my birthday:
HIM: Don’t you have one already?
ME: Yes, but it doesn’t close all the way up to my neck, and…
HIM: Say no more, just tell me when you go shopping so I can send you a check.
Has Your Child Winterized Their Car Yet? Maybe You Should Ask Again, Just To Be Sure….
See also: points 8 through 11 of family dinner discussions/arguments (snow tires)
When I moved to Michigan for college my dad made sure I had an ice scraper. I did not have a car. None of my roommates had cars. But I was ready to scrape ice.
This is the best Dad story.
I think that’s the Dad equivalent of “here’s a Tupperware of cookies to share so the other kids in the dorm will like you.”
I read this as “Have You Winterized Your Child” and it filled me with delight
Snow tires, though!
Remind your child to keep a blanket in the car, just in case.
For Thanksgiving, I’m hosting two Dads, mine and the Dad in law. I look forward to mutual football-based soapboxing, and I look less forward to the inevitable political discussions. In-law thinks Hillary is going to use HIPAA to take parental rights away from parents, my Dad thinks she’s too corrupt. I plan on drinking a lot.
Actually, now that I think about it, I’m also going to have Mr Ipo, who is a junior Dad, and my brother, who is a childless Dad, so it’s going to be me, my step-MIL, my mom, and my BFF/fiancee-in-law drinking in the kitchen.
I’m actually a bit sad that the Dad Magazine book won’t be out in time to get my dad one for Christmas. Next year, next year.
Awww man, Thanksgiving. Since I moved to the Netherlands I can’t really be home at Thanksgiving, and I miss it a lot. Since my family moved away from the East Coast and all the relatives, the celebrations got smaller and cozier until now it’s just whoever in the immediate family is there in their pajamas all day, watching the sports games, with turkey done whenever it’s done. It’s pretty much the best.
Last year I held a Thanksgiving here for my friends which was actually pretty great, but I don’t think I have time to do it this year. Oh well.
My Dad doesn’t ask me about my coats. But he does have a very special relationship with layering that often involves multiple coats. My Mom forces him to go on walks every morning through the winter (unless my Dad can get out of it, which, as far as I can gather, he tries desperately every day), and when it’s anything less than 50 degrees, he wears 2-3 coats (and 2-3 hats) and then halfway through the walk gets further and further behind because he has to start stripping off all of the layers.
My sister’s dad has an elaborate system of hoodies, and will zip or unzip, and put up or take down the hoods of each one to achieve perfect insulation in a multitude of temperatures…
My parents came up this weekend for a business meeting, but popped by for a visit as we were in the midst of finishing our basement AND powder room. My dad and I went through every nut, bolt, or weird bit that I could find from my father-in-law’s old junk and he helpfully sorted out what to keep, what to toss, and what is GOOD METAL TO GET MONEY FOR!
He was also so suspicious of “fast food” (from a place around the corner from us) and instead drove an extra 20 minutes in traffic to get his classic, safe Swiss Chalet quarter chicken meal instead.
I didn’t know Swiss Chalet still existed! I have tons of their tiny ceramic sauce containers, which my grandmother stole over the decades.
Dad Magazine posts always put a smile on my face. They make me reminisce about my Dad, who passed away 14 years ago.
My husband is all about tarps. This past summer he went on a mission to find a thick, quality tarp that would last more than one season. He found one that is so sturdy it’s hard to fold it back up. We’ll see if it lasts!
When you live in the Seattle Metropolitan Area and have occasion to take Highway 167 out to Puyallup (or back), you will drive by a huge sign for a magical place called “TARP WORLD.” I have seen this sign a thousand times, yet I have never gone to check out Tarp World because I don’t believe that it could live up to my, by this point, wild expectations.
It sounds like a place your husband would love just as it is, though.
“Dad Magazine posts always put a smile on my face. They make me reminisce about my Dad, who passed away 14 years ago.”
Me, too. ❤️ Miss that snarly so-and-so everyday, he would have really enjoyed DM.
Last year I asked for a new winter coat for my birthday so I went out and bought one and had my dad pay me back. Every single time he saw me wearing it after that: “Are you sure that’s warm enough? It doesn’t seem heavy enough to be warm. You sure you’re not too cold with only that?”
I went home for a visit this last weekend and soon after getting out of the car was asked if I had seen the old truck going by on the road. My dad had finally broken down and sold it for scrap. The rest of the weekend included many references to how he should have sold it when steel was $60 a ton instead of $10.
I love Dad Magazine. Even though my dad does not fit the usual dad mode (he cooks, he bakes, he antiques and bargain clothes shops with a passion), there will always be one feature that’s right on target. This time:
“Checking in! Just making sure you have a nice coat!”
Y’all, on Monday I got a very excited text and picture from my dad, both of which never happen.
He’s in California on a work trip and he was getting In-n-Out for the first time, so he sent me a picture of his tray. I asked him what he thought of it and then he item-by-item compared it to Dick’s in Seattle, which of course won the contest because he doesn’t have to go to goddamn California for Dick’s.
Dicks is the best! Did you know a Deluxe only cost 24 cents in the 60’s?
I think the only thing that made me moving into Seattle proper palatable to my rural parents was that to get to my house you have to drive by a Dick’s.
(And my dad will regale me with Dick’s trivia for DAYS.)
“A sweater that doesn’t have a closure? What’s the point?”
“A jacket with sleeves that aren’t elasticated at the wrists? That’s just wasting your warmth.”
“A hat without earflaps? What are you, just excited for the cold?”
–my dad about all my garments
I love Dad Magazine, reading the comments always makes me smile. I’m looking forward to wine tasting with my dad this weekend!
I am also envious of those who have Dads (my dad is more like a 70-year-old angry teenager who needs boundaries and discipline), but once you open yourself to the world of Dads, you witness so many great moments vicariously. The other day, I was having a family meal at my boyfriend’s sister’s place, and her father-in-law came in and the first thing he said to his son, before “hi” or anything, was, “Did you notice that one of your rear tires is a little low?”
I am not a dad but am exhibiting many of the dad-like behaviors detailed above. If something comes up in conversation and there is any chance that a tarp could help, I am quick mention that I have a tarp in the back of my car. Also, I take weird surface streets sometimes instead of the highways, but that depends on time of day and where I’m going. There are a lot of back-ways to take in Oakland. Also Also, I want a nice new powerful vacuum and there’s a very full hat rack on the inside of my closet door.
Yeah, but you live in Oakland. What you might lose in time, you’ll gain in life expectancy from not having your blood pressure spike when 580 is going parade speed for no reason and the radio traffic report doesn’t even mention it.
My parents live in a city (in New England, but still) and a few years ago my dad bough a VERY ugly barn coat made out of llama or alpaca or something. And he *loves* it. It is terrible, and we all tease him about it when he puts it on, but it is very warm, and my dad likes the idea of a barn coat. Whenever he puts it on at home, he comes in to show us all, and whenever I’m not there and he puts it on, he texts me about it.
My dad had an amazing and well-loved collection of bugly overshirts, some lined, some not. (Hey, you had to have something warmish to wear while moving stuff around on a tarp.) After he died my stepmom gave me first pick and now I have 2 incredibly terrible overshirts – one lined, one not. Wear them all the time. 🙂
My Dad (and Mom) will also drive 7 hours instead of 5 just to avoid the highways to visit me. They claim it would be 7 hours anyway for the time they’d spend stopped in highway traffic, but I do that drive three times more than they do and it’s just…not true. Yes, you spend some time stopped but not like 2 hours worth. (I’ve also taking to leaving after dinner time, having pretty much no traffic and my kid & partner conk out so I can listen to MY music, muahahaha.)
I’m also trying to quell anxiety about the fact that my kid will never appreciate this as he has no Dad. Anyone in here with two moms (or one mom, or just, like, no Dad) want to tell me they don’t resent it?
Dad-ness is a state of mind! A set of behaviors! People are constantly posting here about how Dad-ish their moms or other people in their lives are. You have just told us all about your trip planning techniques and how long it takes if you do it your way; I am confident your child will appreciate Dad Magazine.
Yes, this exactly! As someone who, if I have kids, will be one mom out of a two-mom parenting…team? (couple? whatever, there will be two of us), I know and have basically accepted that I will be the Dad Magazine representative of the family.
My penchant for terrible puns and/or obsessive worry about planning things has to serve some purpose, after all.
You guys are right! Thank youso much! I may not know from tarps or tools, but when it comes to very particular attention-to-detail trip planning – and also bad puns! – I AM DAD.
Even cis-Dads (i.e. Dads who are men who have fathered children) are not 100% Dad-ly all the time. In many ways, Dad is a Platonic ideal that no one person can reach in every aspect of their life.
Be the Dad you wish to see in the world.
I grew up without a dad (and with practically no male influence at all, really) and my mom is the one who taught me to change a tire, use power tools, fix a toilet, etc. People used to ask me and my sister if it was hard not having a dad, and we would always say we did have a dad, that our mom was our mom AND our dad.
In fact, the other day she was telling me all about how she needs a new tarp for camping.
I have more of a Kafka’s Dad than a Dad, but he once had his moments, so these are bittersweet.
Dad Mag always makes my heart empty feeling, but in a wistful not terribly unpleasant kind of way that compels me to read it every month. My father has never approached Peak Dad and I have no idea what any of you are talking about. And I read all the comments with all the Dadding and it’s like, oh, my dad is so not a Dad. Further, I didn’t know that my dad was not a Dad until Dad Magazine its comments. And I read about all your Dads and think about how nice it must be and I’m happy for all of your shared tarps and safety and silly responsible things. I love my dad but he is not a Dad. My dad gives zero fucks about tarps.
My dad gives zero fucks about tarps, doesn’t watch football, and isn’t interested in military history, but he owns a clean suit (he got it from the discard pile at work and now uses it to rake leaves, change his oil, and anything else that would result in accidentally getting his clothese dirty), always has an assortment of zipties, and eats bologna roll-ups (peel edge off bologna. spread bologna with mustard. roll and eat). All dads have at least a little Dad in them.
I just realized that, when it comes to winter coats, I am like the Daddest Dad.
(True story: one of my first gifts to my partner was an old winter coat. HE STILL DOESN’T DRESS WARM ENOUGH.)
My boss is an A+ dad, so I basically get to live inside of Dad magazine at work every day. It’s pretty magical.
My parents quietly disliked each other for much of my life (they’ve since divorced), so my dad’s Dad Quirks just fanned my mom’s resentment and dislike. I ended up absorbing her feelings, but diluted, so I was merely annoyed. Honestly reading all of these affectionate comments have helped me reframe perceptions I didn’t realize I still had remnants of. Jesus, who cares if my dad always orders water at restaurants because he doesn’t want to pay for soda? It’s way healthier! Or wears socks until they are more hole than sock? It doesn’t matter!
This is so similar to my life. Who cares if dad’s family is a little messy, a little loud? They’re a lot of fun! (Well, most of them, some of them are just angry Republicans…)
Almost a perfect score for me in Dad Magazine:
1. Coat..Car pooling my daughter: Where’s your coat, son?
2. MacGyver..Wish I could show you a picture of my DIY sous vide cooker (too small for a turkey)
3. Tarps..Almost, but for me it’s rope so that’s close enough for full credit
4. Hats..Tons of ’em. I could probably use an article about how to take care of ’em.
5. Thanksgiving Argument..Normally not an issue, but this year we have to drive our daughter to Vegas for a soccer tournament over Thanksgiving, so there’s going to be multiple meltdowns
In college one winter I overslept for an 8:00 exam and ended up sprinting to class in my pajamas (pink sweats and a long sleeved t-shirt, slippers on feet). My dad worked in an office building close to my school and had to drive through campus every morning to get to his parking garage. As I’m frantically scrabbling up the hill to my class, my phone rings. It’s my dad. He identified me from a MOVING VEHICLE at at least 60 paces and was calling to express his shock and concern at my coatless state. He wouldn’t hang up until I swore I’d go back to my dorm immediately after my exam for my coat. It’s been 7 years and I’ve yet to live this down.
Incredible!
I found out I would be going to Minnesota for school during the Oh, God, Why? Freeze of early 2014, and the coat was only the beginning. For the past two winters, the concern has been “Do you have enough good socks? Okay, but do you have enough liner socks? Are you SURE you don’t want mittens? If you decide you need anything else, just let us know. Mittens are really warmer than gloves.”
Dads.
My boss is not old at all, but I am realizing that he is sort of our Company Dad. He has strong opinions on socks that slide down in your boots, he thinks it’s not only acceptable but positively necessary for our company to “like” its own Facebook posts, and having him around is a bit like having MacGyver around if MacGyver’s “fixes” inevitably fell apart after about a week and he kept insisting that he’d “fixed” whatever was broken permanently. I was not at all surprised to discover that each of his children got a carabiner in their stocking last year.
In our office stockings last year, we each got a pair of wonderful, thick hiking socks. They’re amazing.
1) we have a little corner cabinet on the kitchen counter, with a roll-up door. Husband calls this the “coffee garage”
2) inside the coffee garage, he keeps his collection of used paper towels. You know, the ones that are too dirty to wipe your hands on, but not dirty enough to throw away.
He is making nice progress towards peak Dad.
I’d like to point out that I love Dad Magazine but it is very biased towards “Cold Climate Dads.”
My dad has some very Dad qualities, but as Floridians, we do not have the coat/hat/glove/winterizing concerns.
However my dad is ALWAYS asking me about my car.
“Have you checked your oil level lately? You should check your dipstick regularly! When was the last time you had your oil changed? Have you checked your tire pressure?”
When I was in college and home for the weekend he would insist on doing a full inspection of my car before I left to go back to school. And he would always do it AS I was trying to leave. Like, my car’s been sitting here all weekend and now, when I’m trying to pull out of the driveway you want to do this?
Oh, and he’d always drag out the hose, “You know you really need to wash all these lovebugs off before they mess up the paint. ” <—–PRIME FLORIDA DAD
Another Florida Dad concern is wiper blades because it rains so much.
also, FloridaDads make sure your coolant levels are okay. Do you keep coolant in your car? You should really have some in your car, just in case. And did you know that (Company Just Down The Road) is doing A/C checks for $20?? That’s a good deal.
These comments made me smile so hard thinking about my dad and grandfathers. The thing about Dads is that they CARE, frequently too much about the small things, but also about the big things. My dad once drove 700 miles to help me when my car broke down, and helped me move via U-Haul from West Texas to North Carolina (which involved tarps, bungee cords, efficient packing, car repair, and detailed lessons on reversing with a trailer). Every time he admonishes me for not owning enough tools or tries to convince me of an Internet conspiracy theory, I try to remember it is because he really CARES about my well being.
The last time I had a serious boyfriend, it just so happened that his meeting my parents for the first time (I was living with them) coincided with me taking my car in for new tires and a new battery at Pep Boys–and Pep Boys utterly screwing it all up. My dad has a long-standing policy of only going to Pep Boys for like, oil and windshield wiper blades (they are crazy good at putting new blades on!) but for anything service-related, he normally avoids Pep Boys like the plague. But we were intrigued by some special they were running.
Anyway, it's now the end of the day, the car's back home, and then BF is walking up the driveway to ring the doorbell while my dad is AGAIN under the hood of my car, cursing out Pep Boys because he knows something isn't right. *He just knows.*
And yes–they had never actually installed the new battery, despite charging me for it. The old, dying battery was still sitting in my poor little blue Ford Focus, covered in 7 years of grime and oil or whatever.
So then-BF's introduction to my dad went like this:
Dad: Hey, take a look at [katesonnet's] car battery. Does that look new to you?! I think it's the old battery!
BF: …Yes, sir. It looks like the original/old battery. See how it's all covered in gunk and like, old? (I'm paraphrasing b/c I don't know how anything about car batteries but I'm guessing a new, freshly-installed one would…look new and freshly installed?)
Dad: [5-minute tirade about Pep Boys, peppered with numerous profanities].
BF: …Nice to meet you, [katesonnet's dad]! I'm here to pick her up?
Dad: What? Oh yeah, she's inside. Hey, nice to meet you too!
A whole “Utilitarian Issue,” and no instructions on how to channel your inner John Stuart Mill?
Headlines for my dad:
“Your house – Is it North facing?!?” (we live in Australia)
“Soft jazz – pretty funky!”
“Is your daughter wearing enough SUNSCREEN?”
“What to do if your wife is being passive aggressive and patting her on the back and giggling isn’t working”