It Has Come To My Attention I Was Misinformed About How Bees Reproduce

by Mallory Ortberg · January 21, 2016

Friends, I am not often wrong, but when I am, I do not try to run from my mistakes. I square up to them and make what is wrong right. This week, I believed I had discovered a video showing a bumblebee giving live birth. I showed it to you in good faith.

I was wrong.

That bumblebee was not birthing another, smaller bumblebee. That bumblebee was having sex with presumably another adult bumblebee. I will not compound my error by pretending mistakes were not made. I failed to perform due diligence, and we are all the poorer for it.

Here is how bumblebees actually propagate further bumblebees:

When she has chosen her nest, the queen will begin to collect pollen from flowers, to bring back to the nest. She forms a mound of pollen and wax (which she secretes from her body) and lays her first brood of eggs. She also collects nectar which she stores in a pot-shaped structure made of wax which is positioned in front of her mound. The queen keeps the eggs warm by sitting on her wax ‘nest’ and shivering her muscles to keep warm. Sipping from the nectar-pot gives her enough energy to incubate the eggs for several days until little white grub-like larvae emerge. These larvae are fed on pollen and nectar which the queen goes back-and-forth to collect from nearby flowers. Once they have eaten enough, after around two weeks, they spin a cocoon, inside which they develop into adult bees.

Just because a video is labeled “Bumble bee giving birth” does not mean it is, in fact, a video depicting a bumblebee giving birth. Caveat emptor, bee-video-wise, my friends. Cav-bee-at emptor.

I am truly sorry.

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


85 Comments

          2. OoTheHumanities +25

            I do hope you saw To Catch a Redditor, it was a moment of true inspiration and I cannot wait to hear of the millions Alli525 and champagnewastoblame will be making from the series.

          3. dakimel +12

            It was the work of a true, inspired genius, the likes of which gives worth to every minute I might otherwise accuse myself of “wasting time” on this site / comments.

      4. heyheyemkay +28

        Can’t we just get… Bee-yond Thunder Dome, Because That’s Totally What I’m Now Calling the Place Where the Queen Bee is Incubating or Whatever?

  2. +165

    We can just rename it Honey Bee Getting Balled In A Parking Lot I guess.

    (I don’t know about bee genitalia, though.)

    1. +138

      Thanks to google I now know more than I ever thought I would want to about bee genitalia. There are a LOT of close up pictures of this around.

      Drone are paralyzed while they ejaculate, which they do with enough force to be audible to humans. Their penis explodes off and stays in the queen while they die, leaving a trail of corpses.

      1. aquamarinaveen +133

        when i was on okcupid i briefly had my profile written from the point of a female anglerfish (“you should message me if: you want to be gradually absorbed into my body when we reproduce”) but now i am thinking it would have been good from the point of a queen bee too.

      4. Apollonia +14

        I upvoted you, but I felt really dirty and horrified while doing it. Which is probably how bees feel mid-thrust, I imagine.

  3. ughanothername +64

    Honestly, I didn’t think this rift between us could ever be healed but how could I ever stay mad after “[c]av-bee-at emptor”?

  4. Molly +76

    So, are you saying we can’t believe everything we see on the internet, or just not everything we see on youtube?

  10. brookshelley +27

    I will never stop believing that bees are formed whole in the pits of hell, ever since i was stung as a child.

  11. Sara +58

    I just went out and asked the bees in my two hives, and it turns out they don’t care. You’re off the hook.

  13. kisswithafist +41

    All this talk of bee reproduction has me hankering for another ‘If ____ were your girlfriend / boyfriend’ article. I feel like it’s been a while since we had one and there are some big crushes that are criminally missing from the list.

    1. Unreadaethel +23

      Bees don’t lie (nor do these hips). Their human videographers, however, are filled with perfidy and deceit.

  16. phlippin +75

    Mallory, this gives me hope that you will yet face up to your other grave error and write this article:

    It Has Come to My Attention That Hummus Is Freaking Delicious and Should Be Eaten Every Day: An Apology

    1. dakimel +18

      I mean, I love hummus as much as the next rational person, but the only other apology I need from Mallory is about Hamilton.

      1. anniekate76 +9

        While I love Hamilton, and just now spent about 2 hours watching ham4ham videos on YouTube… is anybody else a tiny bit disgruntled that Fun Home never got this level of wall to wall toast coverage?

        1. Jill T +2

          As someone who had the honor and privilege of seeing Hamilton and Fun Home in the same day (October 14, 2015), I can say with some authority that Fun Home is great, but it’s not Hamilton great.

  17. editorialeyes +51

    May I heartily recommend Laline Paull’s book The Bees? Reads like Atwoodian speculative fiction set in a beehive, told from a bee’s POV. She has this really interesting way of vaguely anthropomorphizing her characters while also leaving them strangely alien. (This is how I learned about bee birth and that my hatred of wasps is justified.)

  18. crawlkill +25

    I went through the day thinking “oh, I guess there are nonsocial bees. are there nonsocial bees? I guess there are.” you LIED to me Mallory I can’t beelieve it

  19. Es_Petal +58

    I’ve seen the word BEE too often now.

    BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE

  23. damanoid +56

    I’m sharing a video of the birth of a baby bumblebee,
    Won’t my mommy be so proud of me,
    I’m sharing a video of the birth of a baby bumblebee,
    Ouch! I’ve been misinformed!

    I’m apologizing for the mistake about the baby bumblebee,
    Won’t my mommy be so proud of me,
    I’m apologizing for the mistake about the baby bumblebee,
    It was really bee pornography!

    I’m relating the accurate natural history of a baby bumblebee,
    Won’t my mommy be so proud of me,
    I’m describing how the larva spins a cocoon and becomes a pupa,
    Now my bee knowledge is really supa!

  24. shaqattaq32 +14

    Just like Rick Snyder’s apology for poisoning flint’s water supply doesn’t suffice, this falls short for the pain and suffering you have caused thousands. Time to tender your resignation, ortberg. #heyheyhohoortbergsgottogo

  25. ActionGeologist +13

    As a child, I was addicted to TLC. Mind you, this was long before The Learning Channel became a bastion of horrendous reality television and still showed educational programming. One afternoon, there was a program all about bee sex. And how they couple in flight, after which the male dies from exploded genitals. I still remember it to this day and don’t know why. I can also recall most episodes of the series they showed about European castles.

  26. anyabanana +12

    How no one has referenced or posted a GIF or screenshot of Nicolas Cage from “The Wicker Man” is inconceivable to me, and quite frankly, I’m disappointed in you Toasties for this egregious oversight. I must rectify this dire situation immediately.
    https://cdn2.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/OXIAoJelSrylpLPA…

    (Unfortunately, I was unable to successfully copy the GIF into the comment, so the link will have to do!)

  28. surprisingatiger +4

    so while i thought i was watching the miracle of life, i was actually watching bee porn?
    i am sad.
    my life had so much meaning that day and now it has all been snatched away from me.

  29. ananyaaravi

    so while i thought i was watching the miracle of life, i was actually watching bee porn?
    i am sad.
    my life had so much meaning that day and now it has all been snatched away from me.

  33. aliaspiral +1

    I kind of want to post the clip from Jupiter Ascending where bees recognize royalty, but I can’t figure out how to tie it into bee sex or bees giving birth.

  34. alianora

    I kind of want to post the clip from Jupiter Ascending where bees recognize royalty, but I can't figure out how to tie it into bee sex or bees giving birth.

  35. naidu

    I’m relating the accurate natural history of a baby bumblebee,
    Won’t my mommy be so proud of me,