A Perfectly Ordinary Home Inspection from Which the Inspector Returned Safe and Sound -The Toast

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Home: The Toast

Illustration: Matt Lubchansky

Property: 177 Graystone Avenue, Eugene, OR
Inspector: James Vandermeer
Date: December 10, 2015
In attendance: Seller only
Weather: Foggy, around 50 degrees
Rain the last three days?: No
Radon test: Yes
Cursed burial ground test: No


Wall Cladding, Flashing, Gutters and Trim

– Some hairline cracks in areas around home. These appear typical.

– Wall cladding is Hard-Coated Stucco and has no other signs of deterioration.

– Nest of one of the moss folk is blocking gutter over front door. Recommend removal in order to continue proper drainage.


– Rear entrance shows evidence of dry rot in bottom left corner.

Vegetation, Grading, Drainage:

– French drain should be added near front entrance.

– Brownie or hobgoblin home in oak tree should be investigated further. A brownie could be offered food in exchange for lawn mowing and other odd jobs, but hobgoblins should be asked to leave, as they only get nastier in periods of change and transition.

– Thorny bushes obstructing access should be removed or relocated.


Ceilings – Old slime trails around air vents suggest recent slug monster infestation. Recommend further expert investigation to determine if infestation is ongoing.

Walls – Inspected

Doors – Master bedroom door will not close easily, needs adjustment. Interior door of guest bedroom closet has several long, vertical scratches. This is indicative of boggart activity, but when a glass of milk was placed next to closet, it did not curdle. Perhaps boggart has moved elsewhere in the house, or was passing through when house was vacant? Recommend monitoring this and other closets and calling specialist if needed.


– Attic area inspected. Approximately three small, rough holes in drywall near floor, indicative of either rodent or imp behavior. Rodents more likely in this climate.

Structural Components:

Plumbing System – Plumbing drain systems inspected. Plumbing distribution system mostly sound, with a couple of leaks. Water drips from control knob on tub in master bathroom. Water also leaks from beneath guest bathroom sink and consistently pools in the shape of the gytrash.

Main water shut-off is the green lever located in the basement at the pressure tank. This is for your information.

house_spot Illustration by Matt Lubchansky

Heating/Central Air Conditioning:

– Distribution system is a brand that often has problems with spiritual possession. While there is no way to tell whether this particular unit will experience that issue, it is an expensive unit to replace and should come into the buyer’s consideration.

– Woodstove and chimney appear in good condition, with the exception of one stain in ceiling next to chimney.

Electrical System:

– Service and grounding equipment, main overcurrent device, main and distribution panels inspected

– Main panel is located on the back exterior wall of the house; one distribution panel is inside the garage.

– Strangely feisty electrical field present in the rear left corner of the living room. As no wiring appears to run behind that area, implacable spirits are more likely than electrical malfunction.

Foundations, Basement, and Crawlspace:

– Damage to right, rear corner of basement walls highly suggestive of the presence of a Basement Wyrm. While Wyrm’s temperament is unknown, age of home and condition of basement walls suggest that ritual appeasement should be done in another 2-3 years.

– Foundation is masonry block.

– Crawlspace is filled with the haunting whispers of a thousand agonized spirits as they seek revenge for an ancient wrong done, a misery so terrible that it soaks the air, a woe so painful that it tightens in your chest and winds its way around your heart.


No clear category for this, but the cat door and series of cat tunnels leading out from the living room, through the garage, and opening into the backyard is definitely not to code either.


This report is provided to highlight those findings that the inspector believes are significant in nature, health and safety concerns. Some of these issues, such as the electrical anomaly and the heating distribution unit, should be investigated immediately as they pose the greatest concern. Other issues are mentioned merely to make the buyer aware.

Katja Jylkka and her cold New England heart are currently living in California. She is a PhD student who writes about food, animals, and trolls, much to the dismay of her professors. You can read more of her writing here or here.

Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. You can find his weekly comics here, or on twitter here.

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