I gave The Bartender the week off so I could share with you how PUMPED UP I am by my new workout top. What do YOU wear when you want to feel fierce as shit?
LATE BREAKING SWEETNESS:
One of you beautiful, lovely nerds is going through a living kidney donation for another reader, just because. The recipient said I could tell you (no names, of course.) I cried. Mallory cried. Nikki cried. So many tears. Thank you. What wonderful hearts you have.
Oh my God. The Toast really is the best place on the Internet.
This pretty much says it all. I love this place.
Samesies x forever.
No kidding! Best wishes for a speedy and healthy recovery from THE best internet site EVER!
What an absolutely tremendous testament to the community here.
“like” a googleplex of times. All the likes. I am getting teary eyed.
I sometimes can’t believe what a positive, supportive community this is. It’s like nowhere else on the Internet.
That’s amazing!
I am absolutely blown away by how amazing that is. And impressed. And full of love!!
I don’t know how the donation came about, but I am kinda wondering if I missed a really intense conversation somewhere on an Open Thread or link roundup??
SO many of the best people, all hanging out leisurely in one Internet place. <3
It is among the better places on Earth.
Toasts! What have you been reading this week?
Just Mercy on audio is my commute listen. It is shocking to listen, each morning and evening, to the ways in which we have contrived to send poor, mostly black people to prison for relatively trivial crimes, and even for crimes that they clearly did not commit. It’s heartbreaking and absolutely recommended.
The new T. Kingfisher story yaaaaaaaaaaay! Now I am reading the Leigh Bardugo Grisha trilogy. Next maybe the second Elana Ferrante book or the new Vorkosigan or The Queen of the Night, I feel like I have a lot of books to read.
There’s a new T. Kingfisher? Hurray!
I’m reading Kate Elliott’s new book Black Wolves – the first couple of chapters were a bit slow but now I’m completely sucked in by all the badass ladies getting business done. Intrigue! Demons! Giant eagles!
Bad Behavior by Mary Gaitskill. Not sure what I expected but it is very, very dark.
I finished Deborah Harkness’s Discovery of Witches series, finally. I know a lot of people didn’t care for Tree of Life, but I thought that the parts taking place in the DNA lab were 10000% more interesting than most of the rest of the books put together.
Now I’m re-reading Lock-In, which became a personal favorite from the first moment I read it.
Does it get better in the second book? I couldn’t deal with all of the people in the past constantly putting her down and her just rolling with it. I don’t remember the protagonist’s name; I read the first one a long time ago.
I also want to know this. I read the first one on audio, and I loved the beginning, but then spent most of the book mentally screaming at the protag to run away, so many red flags, but also couldn’t put it down.
Their relationship does not get much better; it sort of does insofar as she has to rescue him after 2.75 books of the reverse, but I definitely had the sense that his creepy overbearingness would come back pretty quickly. By the end I was reading mostly for the plot and wishing the main characters would get out of the way of the supporting cast.
There is barely any character development, if any at all. The main character (Diana) gets more ~powerful~ but doesn’t actually become a stronger character. If not for the plot and the end-of-book cliffhangers, I would have stopped reading.
Oh ALSO, the cover of the third book needs to be slapped with a massive rape TW, holy shit. Definitely features one of the most fucked up evil villains I’ve seen in fiction.
Just finished The STar Side of Bird Hill, which was lovely even though I didn’t get super into it. I have Dietland and Jennifer Weiner’s Who Do You Love out from the library and I can’t wait to burrow into blankets with one of them after work today.
I’m reading Pretty Is by Maggie Mitchell. It’s kind of suspense/thriller metafiction and kind of vicious and I’m kind of loving it.
I’m reading my way through the tournament of books, so I’m reading The Sympathizer.
Most of the ToB books are way outside my usual reading list (which is mostly fantasy and sci-fi), so I’ve appreciated reading books I wouldn’t otherwise have sought out, even if many of them haven’t been my cup of tea.
Fellow TOBer, lurking Toastie also on The Sympathizer.
I thought about doing the TOB but I already have SO many books out of the library I’m not going to get to in time… if only I remembered these things ahead of time!
Anything good coming out of the ToB? I usually only read the final bracket.
I listened to the audiobook of Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe this week.
I’m reading Dodger by Terry Pratchett as well.
Dodger is a lot of fun.
It definitely is so far! I picked it up randomly at the library last week and I’m glad that I did!
Hm. Maybe I ought to give it another shot. It’s the only Terry Pratchett book I couldn’t finish – am a huge Discworld fan (Sam Vimes 4EVA!!!), and enjoyed the Truckers series & his book with Neil Gaiman, but this book… Couldn’t do it. I loved the concept, but the book itself just seemed… stilted? I only got about 30 pages in – does it get better, or is the problem with me? (Because it couldn’t be with Sir Terry, thank you very much.)
I think it’s got a very different feel than anything else he wrote. It’s definitely taking me a lot longer to get through it than any of the Discworld books took me. I don’t think it’s a problem with you, I think it’s not really his strongest book to begin with. That being said, I’m still enjoying it, but I wouldn’t worry too much about it if it’s not for you! Someone else who’s actually finished the book already might be able to give you a better idea if it gets better, I’m only about 100 pages in at this point.
I got a little overzealous and requested 9 books from the library. I didn’t realize how quickly they’d come in!! I now have 7 books to read in 3 weeks. xD The good news is 4 of them are comics, so those are quick reads at least.
So far I’ve read the first 3 volumes of Ms. Marvel (which I loved!!!) and half of volume 1 of LumberJanes.
Next on my list is a bit of a 180 – going to read Life After Life by Kate Atkinson.
That overzealous library book requesting is pretty much the pattern of my life!
Walking out of the library with a stack of books that reaches from my waist to my chin is one of my favorite small pleasures. I am forever grateful to the librarians that fill my absurd hold request lists several times a month.
Yes!
My previous local library had a 15-book limit for the awesome free interlibrary loan, but you had to pick up within a week, so this inevitably led to us going to the library once a week and coming out with 15 books. 🙂 Where we live now it’s only 5 books at a time which in some ways is sad but it is much more managable.
We might also have an, um, spreadsheet… so we don’t lose track of anything and forget to get it back to the library in time.
oooo smart idea!
It’s colour coded by date and everything. Because there is nothing like spending 15 minutes reorganising one’s library spreadsheet instead of folding laundry!
Speaking as a librarian who has to manage a limited interlibrary-loan request system…I love you and your spreadsheet. <3
My library system charges a buck per hold, so I never do it. Where I lived growing up they were free, with no limit on how many you could have. Aside from the weather, it’s the most disappointing thing about my city.
Oh, that would be disappointing! 🙁 I didn’t know public libraries sometimes charged for ILL.
Life After Life is so good! Also I hear you on the overzealous thing.
I LOVED Life After Life, still singing its praises to anyone who will listen.
I am currently reading Jenny and the Jaws of life on my phone and Six of Crows in physical book form.
The short stories are kind of hit or miss for me overall so far in Jenny and the Jaws of Life, but I am loving the writing, and I could end up loving the rest of the stories! Who knows! I’m still only like a third of the way through the book. Lots of short stories left to potentially love.
I’m only caring about half of the characters right now in Six of Crows, but I’m into the plot, so we’ll see how I feel by the end.
Just finished up Green Girl, which I enjoyed quite a bit. I may go out and buy Molly Crabapple’s Drawing Blood later today. And I also I have to read Betty White’s memoir so I can return that to a friend.
I just finished the sweetest most adorable book called Adventures with Waffles by Maria Parr and I was so happy when I finished it that I literally just sat hugging it and grinning for like 5 minutes.
I also just finished, only moments ago on my lunch break, rereading Anne of Green Gables and as someone who cries regularly at books, reading that ending on my lunch break was an epically bad idea.
Next up is my friend Sarah Ahier’s book Assassin’s Heart and JoJo Moyes’ Me Before You because my cousins have all insisted I read it.
I’m becoming more and more convinced that Patrick O’Brien would admit it’s canon that Stephen Maturin has slept with literally every male that appears in the Aubrey Maturin books.
Also Simon Vance the narrator is indeed an amazing Book-Reader-Alouder
MaturinxEveryone forever
I just got done with The Mauritius Command. Lord Clonfort was clearly trying to get in his pants and you do not have one man describing another man as “warmly domestic” and “deeply sensitive to [Stephen’s] needs” in 1810 and not mean that there was at the very least some extreme cuddling.
I’ve heard great things about Simon Vance’s narration of the Aubrey Maturin books, and I’m so sad that they’re no longer available (or not available in the UK?) for me to try 🙁
I am reading The Museum of Extraordinary Things by Alice Hoffman. It’s a nice break from some heavy things (looking at you, Code Name Verity) and from the epic fantasy audiobooks I’ve been listening to.
Code Name Verity *sobs forever*
A book about Jews, Coney Island, AND magical realism? HELLO all of my interests in one!
Thanks for this recommendation! I am going to start reading it this week 😀
I finished the Anne Tyler book I was reading 2 weeks ago (Dinner at the Homesick Cafe) and it was just way too emotionally manipulative for me. I also finished rereading The Magicians and now I am on to my first read of The Magician King. I know many people HATE these books and I am deeply curious to find out if my love for the first one is transformed into white-hot rage as with so many readers before me!
Also a book on literary theory because maybe someday we are going to apply to grad school?
I started the Chernow Hamilton bio this week, and I have been reading it non-stop (sorry). I love it very much and am thoroughly enjoying it.
Before this I read all of the Elena Ferrante’s Neopolitan novels in a span of three weeks and felt exhausted in a pleasant way after them.
THE CODE BOOK by Simon Singh, about the history of cryptography – it’s just challenging enough for my math-illiterate self. He’s really good at explaining abstract concepts in an easy-to-grasp way, plus there’s cool historical spy stuff.
Oh, I liked that.
I’m trying to read ToB books as I hadn’t read any of the shortlist. I finished The Story of my Teeth (kinda weird, but very short) and The Tsar of Love and Techno which I liked a lot.
I am breezing through Reckless by Cornelia Funke (really delightful YA fantasy, set in the world where fairy tales come from, it is a bleak and horrible place of course but very fun to read about), and then I’m going to tackle all of my oldest ARCs. They go back to 2010. I am not proud.
I just finished Salt to the Sea by Ruta Sepetys last night (for tumblr’s Reblog Book Club). I wouldn’t have picked this one up otherwise, and I’m so glad I did. It’s a YA historical fiction novel that deals with the Wilhelm Gustloff disaster. There are four POV characters and the book moves very swifty between them, which was frustrating at first but really served the story well in the end.
Also (finally) reading the first of the Neopolitan novels with a high school friend who lives far away.
I am reading Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe and A is for Arsenic (non fic about poison and Agatha Christie!)
I’m reading the Cormoran Strike series and last night stumbled upon a take-down of an Emotional Poet that I think Toasties will appreciate: “Brush your teeth, you little bastard. You’re not fucking Byron.”
I know nothing at all about these books and yet this makes me want to read them.
They’re really great! A mystery series by JK Rowling writing as Robert Galbraith.
Okay, sign me up! I’ll see if my libraries have them. 🙂 (And THIS is why I end up with 50 library books out at a time despite my best intentions!)
ahahaha awesome
I am sad that I don’t remember that line, because it’s excellent.
Lafayette in the Somewhat United States. And Vanity Fair.
I just finished Under A Cruel Star by Heda Margolius Kovaly. Fantastic book but incredibly harrowing/upsetting. Right now I’m working on The Way of Herodotus which is half history, half travelogue, and I should also start reading Aziz Ansari’s book soon because I won’t be able to renew it due to the number of holds on it.
The new Vorkosigan book showed up on my doorstep as a wonderful surprise that my stepmom pre ordered for me for Christmas, and I finished it far too quickly and loved every last bit of it. Now I’m going back and rereading some earlier ones as well.
Oh man, for the entire first chapter I was like, oh, he’s monogamous, now, is he? Cordelia, you spoke too soon!
I just got a printer copy of Anna Moschovakis’ new collection of poetry (out March 11th!) from Coffee House: “They And We Will Get Into Trouble For This”
Oh me oh my.
The middle poem is interspersed with online self-diagnostic tests, revealing our collective “condition” and it is…genius. It’s absolutely engrossing. It’s dense AF, but the best stuff is. SO GOOD YOU GUYS.
I just read Ghettoside by Jill Leovy, which is a fascinating look at how the US doesn’t and basically has never tried to solve murders very hard committed against black people, which contributes to high murder rates in certain communities. I also have Just Mercy out of the library and plan on reading it as a companion.
I’m reading a book called The Fortune Hunter by Daisy Goodwin, which I bought for $6 at Barnes and Noble because Empress Elisabeth, my historical girlfriend, is in it. It’s pretty enjoyable, but I’m trying to power through it so I can get on to The Queen of the Night.
Just started reading All the Birds in the Sky yesterday! I’m not even that far into it yet, but I found the opening 70 pages to be whimsically charming & struck an unusual emotional chord with me. It’s definitely a unique book.
Queen of the Night! Queen of the Night! Alexander Chee!
I just got it from the library on Sunday and I’m not that far through, but ugh I love it. So much.
SPQR by Mary Beard.
I finished Lair of Dreams, the second Diviners book (by Libba Bray), and was underwhelmed. Which is unfortunate, as I love Libba Bray. It was very sprawling, which I usually like in a fantasy, but this time just made me go, “Why are none of the main characters actively addressing the problem of the Evil Dream Monster?” They all have their own plotlines, some of which overlap and some don’t, and I didn’t remember much about the first book either, which probably hurt my enjoyment.
STILL grinding through CITY ON FIRE. At about page 630 of 800+, all the disparate people and stories start linking together, finally, and characters who should have met up many, many pages ago are connecting. It’s about goddamn time.
After this marathon, I’m treating myself to AMERICAN HOUSEWIFE, a short-story collection.
The Last Love Song. I have many feelings about Joan Didion.
I’m also following the ToB, so…The Invaders is up this week. Liking it ok, so far.
I just finished reading Pioneer Girl AKA the original Laura Ingalls Wilder autobiography. It was really interesting! Although it was so highly annotated that I hard a hard time getting into a good reading groove.
Any other Toast Little House fans here who have read it?
Me! I had the same issue with reading the annotations vs. the text in terms of really being able to get into it.
I’m reading Moby Dick because it seemed like a good thing to start on my first trip to New England. I like it a lot so far but I’ll probably avoid anything by white men for a while afterwards. Or about whales. This is enough whale for a lifetime.
Moby Dick: Enough Whale for a Lifetime
I think you’ve got a career ahead in writing book blurbs — succinct, to the point, and an excellent warning for anyone who wants to use their lifetime supply of whale on some *other* whale novel. Or on actual whales!
I haven’t read it, but I have heard that it often goes “Never mind the story, time for whale lore!”
Notably there is no other whale related great literature. Moby Dick was apparently All The Whale the literary canon can handle.
True that. Moby Dick is The One Whale. Anytime there is a whale in any other story, it’s always a Moby Dick reference.
May I recommend Nightbirds on Nantucket as a palette cleanser? From Joan Wolves of Willoughby Chase Aiken it centers on Dido Twite and shenanigans. Also it is remarkably correct as far as geography goes, and completely absurd as far as every other thing, plus and also, the whale is PINK. I love it so hard.
I’ve been listening to Tremontaine, a prequel to Ellen Kushner’s Riverside series from SerialBox. It’s episodic and written under the TV writer’s room model, which I think is an interesting experiment and I’m really enjoying it. I haven’t noticed style changes between the different authors, but I’ve been listening quite sporadically.
I’m also listening to Karen Lord’s Best of All Possible Worlds, which I’m enjoying but finding a bit slow. Started it after getting 1/4 of the way through The Galaxy Game before realizing it’s a sequel – no wonder I was so confused!
I am working my way through “The House of Shattered Wings.” It needs much less knowledge about the Bible than I initially feared it would, so I’m liking it!
Re-reading Margaret Atwood’s “The Robber Bride” for the third or fourth time. I love this dang book more every time.
I’m in the middle of Martin Short’s memoir, I Must Say. He is the sweetest and the best.
I’m reading Vagina, by Naomi Wolf.
I’m reading Negroland by Margo Jefferson. I recently finished The Story of My Teeth and American Housewife.
YAY KIDNEYS, YAY NICOLE!
Hello my dear friends!!
College has been exciting and fun and yay
It’s Ash Wednesday week so I went to mass at 8 am which is unheard of to me. My brother back in South Carolina distributed ashes at our Catholic school, and he accidentally gave one kid an upside down cross. The kid tagged him in an instagram post later that day. Kids these days.
The biggest news this week is that on wednesday I will be performing a written piece of mine for Bleux Stockings Society, an all women and non binary performance and reading group. It’s so nerve-wracking but I’m practiced and I love the story I’m telling, the saga of my brother and 75 cutouts of Vanilla Ice’s face.
Any other performers got any advice for me?
So exciting! My go-to advice is to speak slower than you think you need to. I’ve yet to hear someone speak too slowly at a storytelling or slam event, but lots of people rush!
How can you tell if the cross is upside down? Is the bottom part supposed to be longer than the top? The ones I’ve seen on people’s foreheads have usually been barely recognizable as a cross of any sort.
the one my brother gave him had a significant longer bottom than top.
He was first in line so he got an especially distinct one.
The only two people I saw yesterday with ashes both had upside down crosses. Took me forever to remember it was Ash Wednesday, then forgot entirely until Nikki’s post.
I have no advice at all (other than speaking loudly and clearly if it’s a large audience) but I’m very intrigued by the saga of your brother and 75 cutouts of Vanilla Ice’s face.
hahahaha well I wont reveal anything yet but there’s a cut out of his face on my dorm room ceiling here in Georgia.
I saw Deadpool last night! I’m not a big fan of the character in general, but I did enjoy the movie a lot. Funny, obscene, and some great fight scenes. Anyone else see it? What did you think?
The twelve year old I watch was very invested in knowing whether or not I have seen it/will see it. “I heard there were like brains oozing out of skulls. And a sex scene. A sex scene where you see everything.”
Can confirm there was brain oozing. The sex scene does not let you see everything, though it is quite racy (and pretty hot TBH). You do see Ryan Reynolds’s wang at one point, but it is in the most anti-sexy context possible. (It’s not a funny context, either. It’s just Incidental Wang in a rather tragic scene.)
Incidental Wang would be a great band name. Actually, it probably already is a band name.
So he’s willing to do nudity but only if it’s integral to the story? I respect that.
I wouldn’t say it was integral to the story, but his nakedness definitely added to the sense of his vulnerability in that particular scene.
The sex scene was really quite hot, especially if you have a thing for Morena Baccarin like I do. I even liked how the pegging scene went, since honestly sometimes you do everything right and anal sex just doesn’t work. It made the relationship feel more authentic to me, and was a nice example of people using their words and being respectful during sexings.
Yesss. Also! Depicting cunnilingus as something that is fun and desirable! So much to like about that sex scene.
I saw it! I know little about the character, but I love seeing superhero movies with my ladyfriends, so there I was. Collectively we enjoyed it a lot! Hard not to, since it pokes affectionate fun at all the other movies we’ve seen together, and Deadpool is such a charming murder rogue–a fantasy trope I can never resist.
But when I woke up this morning, I was trying to remember the funniest lines, and I just…. couldn’t. Nothing really stood out. And I was substantially more grossed out by the gore in the cold harsh light of day than I was in the dark theater clutching my popcorn.
I think the humor relied less on stand-alone one-liners and more the characters riffing on each other in the context of the scene; so if you try to remember the lines devoid of context, they aren’t as funny. Also it leaned heavily on the sight gags, too.
I’m seeing it in a few hours! And I’m two glasses of wine in, so one more glass and I should be in the perfect mood for it.
I saw it stone-cold sober (I was DD) and still thought it was great, so I’m sure you’ll enjoy it even more!
I haven’t seen it yet, but I wanted to say that my daughter named her dog Deadpool two years ago. Maybe it won’t generate so many funny looks from people now that the movie is out.
My bff named her cat Wade Wilson. Nerd pet names are the best.
I liked the movie, but my main thought after having seen it was that Mallory’s going to have to write a part 2 of “A List Of Fictional Men I Believe Have been Pegged”.
Isn’t it basically canon for Deadpool, tho?
Yeah, I don’t think Deadpool’s just been pegged.
I’m seeing it tomorrow! I’m very excited, but have heard that there are some rape jokes. While not triggering for me personally, my heart sinks when I hear jokes like that and it often sours the rest of the movie for me. Can anyone confirm/comment?
Hmmm… there was only one line I can remember now that would be construed as a rape “joke,” but it was in the context of Wade Wilson trying to say something threatening, realizing it could be taken sexually, and then going, “Oh wait, I didn’t mean it that way, I’m sorry.” Which, I’m not sure if that makes it a “rape joke” or not.
Oh wait, no, there is also a part where Wade Wilson and the love interest flirt with each other via a modified version of the Four Yorkshiremen sketch to see who is the most emotionally damaged, and they have an exchange along the lines of, “You think you had a messed up childhood? I was molested by my uncle.” “Well I was molested by multiple uncles.” I could definitely see some people being bothered by that.
I saw the Moviebob review which says Deadpool is best as wacky comic relief and not a main character, so the Deadpool movie does a good job of keeping Deadpool out of the Deadpool movie so that you don’t get sick of him. And that if you were in the actual target audience – 13 year old boys who managed to sneak into/pirate the movie – you’ll probably think it’s super awesome.
Oh, thank you for reminding me to check out MovieBob’s take on it!
It’s funny that you should say that about Deadpool, because immediately after the movie ended my friend (who is such a huge Deadpool fan she does a DP burlesque routine) said, “I kinda wish it had more Deadpool in it, though!” Which flabbergasted me because, from my perspective, there was literally no way to have more Deadpool in the movie. Which means there was just enough Deadpool, I guess.
For anyone curious, the verdict: sugaring IS less painful than waxing! But not painLESS, which is what I was secretly hoping for. (That was dumb.) I always promise myself I’ll get it together enough and get On A Schedule so I can get regular waxes and stuff but I somehow doubt that.
I am also here for a thread if anyone else would like to discuss hair removal. It is one of my weirdest interests but I am just utterly fascinated by it and I would happily talk about it all the time, but it’s the kind of thing that people think is weird if you like to talk about it too much in real life.
I’m super pale with black hair, Spanish on my mom’s side. I am always here for hair removal talk.
Ditto that but eastern european. I pluck my brows literally every day to keep them apart.
Good times! I shave the outside edge of my eyebrows so they don’t grow into my hairline.
Yup. My eastern European ancestry has given me hair with the strength of angels. My sugarist actually commented on the “beautiful strong bulbs”
You are a field of wild tulips in another life.
That is a LOVELY way of thinking about it!
I get sugaring done too! I just schedule my next appointment as soon as my last one is done so I’m always on schedule.
here for the hair removal talk! i’ve never waxed or threaded, but i admit i am curious.
my mom was kind enough to pay for laser hair removal on my face when i was a teen. she had been through electrolysis herself and was like, this is so much better! i can confirm: it’s awesome. i still have blonde hair on my face (since it only targets dark hair) but that’s fine by me. as for my body…i shave my legs and bikini line and my underarms. and just leave the rest and say fuck it.
the one thing i’m curious about is waxing/sugaring for the bikini line. i ALWAYS get razor burn or ingrown hairs, no matter what i do. but i’m scaredddd and also $$$.
Honestly, I’ve done a lot more damage to myself shaving the bikini area wrt ingrown hair and stuff than I ever have waxing. My trick is to apply deodorant to the area afterwards, which sounds weird but totally works. I do not get ingrowns after waxing or sugaring if I take it easy and put on deodorant there afterwards.
deodorant! i’ve never heard this trick before. will definitely give it a try.
I am glad you said this, because I cannot get my bikini line to be anything useful via shaving, but waxing is too intimidating. I guess I just need to try it. I always hate going to things where I don’t know how it works. Like exactly how the experience would go getting someone to wax you.
I was also intimidated by waxing, but I do recommend it. It hurts, yes, but it’s far from the worst pain I’ve felt, and the pain fades in an instant. There isn’t any lingering soreness, really.
I find with a Brazilian it’s usually a bit tender for the rest of the day, but no other waxing is like that. I’ve never had residual soreness with any other kind of waxing.
right? i guess, at least, waxing is one of those things where if you say “IT’S MY FIRST TIME AND I’M NERVOUS,” it’s not as weird or unexpected as being nervous for other first-time things, like…getting your nails done or getting food delivered (i’m weird, okay).
Totally reasonable. Weird is getting nervous in a movie theater because you’ve never seen this movie before. (notthatIknowanythignaboutthat)
oh god, i know that well.
…well enough that sometimes i spoil myself before seeing a new movie.
I almost always read spoilers before a new movie because it makes me less anxious about the plot while watching. I go for entertainment, not surprise!
Same here!
I totally get that. mostly I worry about whether or not animals get hurt…
D’you know about the website Does the Dog Die? Very helpful, and not limited to dogs.
For a bikini wax, usually what happens is that the aesthetician will lead you into a room with a table and instruct you to either take your pants off, or take your pants and underwear off and put on a paper pair of underpants. Then they’ll give you a minute to do so and you can sit there contemplating your choices, then come back and tell you how they’d like you to sit or lie. They’ll ask what exactly you want (how much hair taken off) and about any allergies or skin issues, then have you lay down and they’ll sometimes dust you with a little powder or some alcohol to dry the area. Then on goes the wax (warm, usually not painfully hot) and they lay a muslin strip over and press down. Then rip it off, it stings for a second , done! Repeat until all hair is removed. After they’ll usually wipe the area with witch hazel or something else to reduce chances of ingrowns and leave the room to let you get dressed.
Ok so, if I were going to the beach, how long ahead of time is the best to get waxed? (also that was very helpful!!)
I would personally do it 2-4 days before depending on how fast your hair grows and how sensitive it is. If it’s super sensitive it may still be red later that day or the next, but if you wait a week or more you might start to get regrowth. (This is why you get better results if you go every 4 weeks or so, because eventually the hairs all get on the same growth schedule and can be ripped out and the the same time. (
this is super helpful, thank you!!
Yeah, this is me too. I’m going to the beach next week and was considering getting my first bikini line wax, but…how? Where? Probably I am just too lazy and will shave anyway, but this thread is helpful.
I’ve only ever waxed my eyebrows. I’m quite fat and a little unsure about getting my body waxed. I’m sure it would probably be fine but that’s the last place I want to run into unexpected body-shaming.
I did get my brows threaded last month (month before? I’m overdue) on a recommendation from my cousin and while it hurt less something about it made my eyes water like crazy. The woman at the salon thought I was crying from pain and was so apologetic and I kept trying to reassure her that it didn’t really hurt, my eyes were just reacting!
1) these ladies see everything. you are not weird or unusual.
2) research! finding a place with a bunch of good reviews – especially ones that namecheck feeling welcomed despite whatever their body image thing is – is always the way to go. because in my experience, those are also the ones who do their job really well.
I’m sad you feel that way. I do, too, at various moments. But I have honestly never had a bad experience. Well, okay, getting waxed is kind of ALWAYS not a great experience for me, but it’s never because of or related to body image, body size, perceived beauty, etc.
I got a home IPL thingy and it is a godsend. I’m half Iranian half Scottish, so paleish skin and a lot of dark hair.
I did it twice and then got frustrated because it didn’t seem to be doing anything. I suspect I should have not gone for one of the cheaper models. Would you mind sharing what brand you got?
It does take longer than that – the directions on mine say once a week for 6 weeks and then it will fall out.
Mine didn’t fall out, but when I got bored of waiting and tweezed it all out (bikini line mainly), it didn’t grow back. I have a boots smoothskin, which may be a UK-specific one.
I had endless issues with ingrowing hairs and scarring from digging them out with a needle, so this is brilliant, no ingrowers, no pain and so much time saved.
I love my home IPL thingy too!! I’ve only had it about 6 weeks and the verdict isn’t in yet on most of me but like ALL my unsightly face hair and weird belly hair (don’t ask) was gone after two uses!!!!!!!!!! I have a Veet Infinisilk, I think it was about $180 US. I’m over 40 and have bought an absolute crap ton of things over the years to get rid of a ridiculous amount of fast-growing facial hair and this is the! first! thing! that’s! worked!!!
Noted, and hurray to lack a unwanted hair! 😀
Thanks for the info!! I’m just looking at those on Amazon– did you use the regular one, or the “pro” one (that has replaceable cartridges)? Think I might try this out.
I got the pro. It seemed like reviewers liked it better. I was a little worried that it might be too unwieldy for some areas, but it’s actually fine. I think it’s probably more ergonomic than the non-pro anyway.
The main thing that bothered me about the IPL was having to shave my face! I did not want to run around with 5 o’clock shadow! But I did it anyway, and after I zapped it the first time, I just kinda scrubbed it good with a cloth and most of the little black dots went away. So I never even had to look weirder than usual. I am really, really happy with it and I hope it works for you too!
I’ve been thinking about getting one of these, so I’m glad to here positive reviews! Would you mind saying what brand you got?
Boots smoothskin. I’m on my second now (the power lead broke on the first one and as they aren’t making that model any more I got a half-price discount on a new one as they couldnt’ mend it).
Agreed there’s a slight pain differential between sugaring and waxing, but I still get the ugly red bumps 🙁 Anyone got a cure for that? Does Nu-skin or whatever really work?
Bikini Zone is worth a shot.
Here for this discussion. I’ve heard good things about sugaring but I love my waxer and the pain really does get more manageable/less shocking/maybe just less with regular waxes so I’ve never actually tried sugaring.
I always get these tiny little white bumps, like whiteheads but with only the whitehead part and not the surrounding redness, whenever I wax my face. It’s really annoying because I haven’t found a reliable and convenient way of disposing of my ladymustache. 🙁
Weirdly, I got those for the first time this week doing my upper lip. What is it? I have never experienced it before and it is bizarre.
I used to get those when I waxed, too. Now I use a Bellabe on my moustache and beard. It’s slow, so cumulatively it hurts more than waxing but I don’t get those whiteheads with it.
I use a similar thing (SpringSproing, or something) and it literally changed my life. So much better than waxing or bleaching or horrible chemicals!
I also get those after waxing, so I’ve taken to slathering on Neosporin immediately after, it has helped a lot. Not completely, but a lot. 🙂
I got my brows waxed for the first time in AGES last week, and I was laying on the table all calm and happy and thinking about how nice it was going to be to not have to tweeze, and she put the wax on and it was so nice and warm and then she laid the strip over it and it was at that moment when I remembered OH YEAH THIS SHIT HURTS.
OK Can someone explain to me some upper lip hair removal stuff? I’ve only ever bleached that hair, but I’ve got some important events coming up and I’m feeling a little self-conscious about that part of my face. Is waxing best? Some other form of removal? What if I don’t want to be burdened by dealing with it on a regular basis? If I start, will it be super obvious when it grows back in?
Thank you in advance for any guidance you can provide!
This is my exact question too. Someone please help!
For lip, I personally prefer threading. It’s nicer because it’s not as traumatic to the delicate skin there and hurts less, I find. Unless you go with electrolysis anything you start removing hair with will require at least some upkeep if you want it to be hairless all the time, but you can always go irregularly and tweeze newcomers in the meantime. It isn’t super obvious when it comes back in, because both threading and waxing pull the hair out at the root so the hairs that come back are babies, while shaving is more noticeable because it only cuts the hair off so it’s already older when it is visible.
I have several friends who wax their upper lip hair, but the skin on my upper lip is some sort of special snowflake skin that cannot handle waxing without breaking out in disgusting oozing pustules. So I would say if you’re going to try waxing, you should definitely NOT try it for the first time within a week of your event.
Also, I highly recommend shaving. I know it sounds weird but a facialist recommended it to me years ago & I think it’s the best way short of laser to remove hair (other than eyebrows) from your face. Just use a sharp razor (I do it when I first use a new blade) & go very slowly. And it won’t grow back in any thicker (that’s an old wives tale) or more obvious.
Oh, god, so. Upper lip is the only place I don’t have thick dark hair (instead have a dusting of softer dark hair, I suppose?). It’s still very obvious so I also regularly bleach but I’ve tried hair removal creams and waxing several times and they were AWFUL. Maybe because the hairs aren’t as thick? I successfully wax everywhere else but my upper lip can stay red for a while and occasionally I got ingrowns there too, back when I experimented with waxing it. I have a friend who got laser hair removal here and swears by it.
As a painless, temporary measure, I recommend little electric shaver doohickeys like this:
http://www.amazon.com/LIFECART-Portable-Electric-…
I got mine at the drug store, and it works very well for upper lip and facial hair. (I’m terrified of waxing, etc., because pain).
I mentioned upthread a bit about the Bellabe that I use on the non-eyebrows part of my face (upper lip, chin, cheeks jaw–I have a lot of facial hair). It’s certainly not painless, but I’ve not had problems with breakouts like I did with waxing and sugaring. If your hair is dark and your skin is pale, you’ll see stuff growing back, yeah, but to be honest I bet you notice it more than most other people.
I love how quick and easy it is to face wax at home. I buy wax strips from any ol’ drugstore. They usually come in “face & bikini” or “legs,” and the only difference is size of strips. I usually buy the ones for legs because they’re cheaper, and then just cut the big pieces into inch-wide strips for upper lip use. Then the box lasts forever! I have to wax every three or four weeks or so. You rub the strip vigorously between your palms to warm it up, then pull the two sides apart. Stick it on, rip it off, and then proceed to examine the little forest of hairs caught on the strip. Satisfying!
I do threading for my eyebrows & face, and I like it a lot. My threader is great and very perfectionist (which I like), and I’m pleased with the results.
I’m always down for oversharing about hair removal. It’s not an interest for me as much as it is a necessity if I don’t want to look like a werewolf.
I wish sugaring was more of a thing where I live because I’ve heard it’s less damaging than waxing. What is it like? Can someone describe this in more detail or tell me about doing it at home if that’s possible?
I’m also interested in threading but likewise, it’s not a thing where I live.
You might be surprised! I live in a rural area where sugaring is definitely not A Thing so I ended up going to a lady whose salon is in her house, and it was great. Same for threading, no salons do it.
For sugaring, basically it’s the same process as waxing except the sugaring stuff isn’t strong enough to pull off live skin like waxing, only hair and dead skin. There are still ouchy parts, but for waxing all the followup bits hurt just as much as the initial pull when sugaring hurt initially but the followup clean up bits were nothing. Also it was nice that there was no bits where there was any wax left behind, any sugary residue just washes away in the shower. My lady makes her sugar solution herself out of sugar and lemon juice and whatever, so I know you can do it yourself, but I think it’s a bit touchy like making candy so you may want to invest in a candy thermometer to get it to the right stage so it’s thick enough.
Also, you can use the leftover to make candy. Or you can have surprise candy when you accidentally let it cook too long.
This makes me want to try it even more.
Thanks, this really helps! I’ll need to fine-tune my kitchen skills and try doing it at home. Good call re: the candy thermometer, it sounds useful.
Ok, does anybody have any experience with laser hair removal, because I am pasty pale with BLACK THICK hair from the KNEES DOWN because of course I am. That wouldn’t be such a problem in and of itself, but I also have crazy sensitive skin, so if I shave I then scratch my legs raw for about a month, while the hair grows back in three days, so that’s a bit of a problem. At the moment I use depilatory creams, which actually work fairly well for me but again, fast growing hair, so it seems that’ll be expensive as a life-long solution. But I don’t know anyone who’s done laser hair removal, so! With optimum hair-to-skin-type, does it really work? How permanent is it? Does it get rid of ALL the hair, or just most of it, because having merely sparser black long thick hair would not really be much of a step up, although I guess it would make things a bit easier. I really want to get rid of my leg hair and actually wear dresses and shorts and stuff, it would be so amazing.
Me! I do!!
I’m VERY VERY VERY pale with the blackest body hair, like see the roots through my skin pale/black. I’ve had laser hair removal on my legs and underarms, and IPL on my bikini zone (Brazilian).
Bikini: I started with this, at the suggestion of my waxer. She was like “you really are the perfect candidate,” and the cost wasn’t much more than my regular wax. I had good results from my first bunch of sessions (the hair falling out is so satisfying!), but over about a year, I had not insignificant regrowth. I did I think three more sessions this fall, and I’m loving the current results. IPL isn’t as effective as laser, but it’s cheaper and does work, just… less. It immediately eliminated ingrown hairs for me, and the hairs I have now are finer and lighter, which means they don’t bother me as much when they’re around, and they’re so easy to shave off in a second.
Legs: I bought a Groupon for 6 full-leg laser sessions, at a place inside of a doctor’s office (a gastroenterologist, for some reason). They used a Candela GentleLase laser, which was great. I’ve had tremendous results. I finished my 6th session last April, and I did two follow-up sessions (one in July, one in September). I could probably stand to do one or two more to pick up strays, but the few hairs I have now are so manageable, I can’t drag myself there. The more hair you lose, the less the lasering hurts, but it does feel similar to being tattooed when it’s working. It usually took a long time per session, like an hour and a half (and I’m pretty damn small), but it was worth it. I just had to learn it would be longer than a waxing session. The laser can only cover a very small area at a time (about the size of a quarter), so it taking a long time means everywhere is being treated. Nowadays, you can’t see my hair through my skin; I never get ingrowns from the hairs I do have; I have more blonde hair than I ever realized, but it’s hard to see; and I shave maybe once every three weeks to take care of the stragglers. They are careful to remind you that it’s permament hair reduction rather than removal, but I’d say that mine was reduced 98%, and that’s good enough for me. If I was made of money, I’d get a few more touch up sessions and I’m pretty sure we could get me to 100%.
Underarms: I bought another Groupon for a different salon. They used two or three different machines on me over the course of six sessions, the last of which was this past November. Those machines hurt more (I don’t know what brands they were), like getting a bad sunburn instantly, but they also covered a larger surface area. I got less reduction here than on my legs, but it’s still a massive difference. You can’t see dark spots through my skin, the hair is finer, and there’s less of it. I shave maybe every week and a half, now, and again, it’s faster and easier. I’ll likely do a few more sessions there when I get some extra $$.
Overall, I’m obsessed with my results (and Grouponing to cut the costs [but I live in the NY metro area and there are so many salons for me to choose from/vet]), and would heartily recommend!
This is really helpful, thank you! I’ve been thinking about getting my legs and pits lasered (another very pale person here, with visible black follicles under the skin).
A fucking kidney.
This is incredible, I’m so happy to be here.
That is amazing. SOMEBODY, YOU ARE GREAT!
I’d totally donate a kidney to any of the real, actual friends I’ve made through here. As many kidneys as they’ll let me give.
<3 <3 <3 <3
AM DEFINITELY NOT TEARING UP OR ANYTHING.
ALSO NOT TEARING UP HERE EITHER. DEFINITELY NOT.
Yes, there are no words for how amazing that is. Wow.
incredible, bless them both
What an amazing thing. What an amazing place. 😀
Thank you, whoever you are, for becoming a living kidney donor! You people are the best people on earth. Thanks to my husband donating his kidney into a transplant chain, and my donor donating her kidney to me so that her brother-in-law could get an organ, I got a fresh kidney last year. This means I can eat all the bananas, mashed potatoes, oranges, potato chips, refried beans, AND GODDAMN MILK that I want now. (Those things are all high in potassium.) It’s so wonderful.
I’m so glad I’ve stumbled over this place. That’s just amazing. You’re all amazing. I wish I could help kidney-giver and kidney-receiver in some small way.
We didn’t even need to hold a Kidney Now! benefit concert/telethon.
What a badass place this is.
This is a magical place, this Toast Castle, this den of misandrists and kidney donors.
Fucking awesome.
So amazing. I love you, The Toast.
I wanted to recommend the latest episode of Lea Thau’s beautiful podcast Strangers, because it’s about a lovely woman named Elizabeth who decided to donate a kidney to a stranger. Since we’re thinking about kidneys and overwhelming kindness today, maybe some of you toasties would enjoy the listen: http://www.kcrw.com/news-culture/shows/strangers/…
Look at the community you helped build!
toasties truly are the best. gosh, i’m getting all verklempt over it!
me toooo
THATS how you spell it! My dad uses that word constantly and I could never figure out the spelling. Thank you. Verklempt. What a tribute to all languages.
Same!
Same! It’s giving me an offal case of the weepies!
Update to last week’s story about the guy I had a great date with and decided to text after weeks of silence:
We traded a few messages back and forth before he sent me a text saying it was his birthday in a few days and he “would love a great blowjob.” So apparently I am a very poor judge of character!
What in the world did you reply?
sometimes i think i’m hard to shock but then again, i just put a hand up to my invisible pearls, reading that. was he joking? in that dumb, not-really-joking kind of way?
well…he sure showed his ass. consider it a bullet dodged.
I gasped “oh my god!” out loud.
“Sorry, I don’t have a dick, so you’ll have to find someone else to blow. Happy birthday and good luck!”
YEs! I mean the safe bet is just to block his number and ghost away into the sunset, but … this is just so perfect.
[praise hands]
I don’t have anything clever to say. I just couldn’t let this comment pass without a word of appreciation.
I’m so glad that you are back with your perfect perfect gifs!
OH. But, no, you are not a bad judge of character. It’s just hard to know these things until this happens. What did you say???
I actually really enjoyed how the conversation went after that! I initially considered just waiting until the week of my birthday and texting him asking if he would be interested in being pegged but ultimately went a different direction:
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Ca5KlshXIAE1NYm.jpg:l…
EXCELLENT, A+++++! Did you block his number after that, or did he respond?
No response but I’m keeping his number in case I feel like trolling him some time.
Oh, what a great response. It’s so cool of you to actually force him to think about how he treats women in the future. I will most likely never encounter this guy but I feel grateful to you.
I just remembered him talking about how he was raised by a single mother and is close with his sister and his young niece and how much he gets and respects women as a result and I felt obligated on their behalf to school his ass.
I’ve heard that one lots of times. “I HAVE A LOT OF IMPORTANT WOMEN IN MY LIFE SO I TOTALLY CAN’T BE SEXIST.” Ugh.
Basically the sexist version of “Some of my best friends are black!”
Ugh, yes. I have nodded and mm-hmm’d my way through at least two ten-minute diatribes by two different guys on how “I had a single mother and older sisters and there have been women in my life so nobody knows how to respect a fucken bitch like I do!”
SPOILER: THEY WERE THE SEXIST-EST SEXISTS THAT EVER SEXISTED.
I would also like to take this opportunity to point out that, between “I dated someone who texted something gross” and “I texted something gross to someone who dated me”…. YOU are not the one with poor judgment here.
I LOVE the personal growth wish. So amazingly backhanded. Are you secretly Canadian?
DANG. You were much nicer than he deserved.
True, but I was hoping that it would make him feel like shit about himself on his birthday so it was actually pretty mean.
Not mean at all. You did him a favor.
Also, I can’t stand it when people insert “lol” and “haha” with comments that they suspect might be badly received, especially men. Like it’s ALMOST kidding but not quite, just sort of wimpy punctuation that thinks you can’t punch a guy with glasses. “You are $#&%! lol I think you should *$@! haha”
“wimpy punctuation that thinks you can’t punch a guy with glasses,” flawless, I would like to Perpetually Adore this description.
Whoof, that reads like he was still drunk from the night before. Yuck.
You are amazing. He is shitty.
My second-favorite part of the whole exchange is his utterly clue-free “y sure?” YEAH BABE, SHE’S SURE.
My heart is so full right now. What a classy and delightful response. HOW could he have thought that was a good idea??
Basically, you’re my hero.
AWESOME
That is the most glorious. thoughtful response to that kind of situation that could have been given
Fuck yeah! You’re fighting the good fight for every woman out there. Seriously, thank you for saying that.
This is the most beautiful GIF I’ve ever seen.
I’m going to have to save that one…
hoo boy does it come in handy
Not only if that GIF on point, it’s also mesmerizing. I think I stared at 25 loops already.
I CAN’T BELIEVE IT.
(but you deserve all the hearts for the bravery to text back originally and now can joyfully have the closure you needed. 😛 And the correct opinion of that dickweasel.)
text him the address to the nearest Blow Dry Bar and 7:00pm and tell him it’s going to feel sooooo goooood. and then block his number.
I have two Beyoncé tickets and zero restraint about telling EVERYBODY.
I ALSO HAVE BEYONCE TICKETS.
OH MY GOD I LIKE FORGOT????
EEEEEEEP
Me toooooooo!
It was seriously the best impulse purchase ever!
I literally just bought one, because I couldn’t deal with the stress of figuring out who to ask to come with. I’m kind of excited about going to a big stadium show totally solo.
I LOVE THAT SHIRT. Also, TOASTIES ARE THE BEST. Seriously, this comment community y’all.
Speaking of, hey NYC TOASTIES! I will be in your city March 14 (arriving early) and leaving March 17 (leaving in the afternoon). Would anyone be interested/available in getting together for drinks during that time? I know a mid-week meetup is probably not in the cards, but it can’t hurt to ask, right? I don’t limit my drinking times to social norms, so I’d be up for a lunch thing as well as dinner or after dinner stuff (hell, I’m up for breakfast drinking, too). The only time I’m not available is the afternoon of Wednesday, March 16 because that’s when we’re seeing Hamiltoooooooooooon.
Also, I am eager for recommendations for places to eat. I have annoyingly aggressive food allergies (I basically eat only animals and vegetables, no grains, very little fruit), so places that cater to Special Diet Snowflakes are appreciated. I’ll drink anywhere, though.
In other news, here’s In other news, here’s Leslie Odom, Jr. and Daveed Diggs doing Good For You.
Delighted to hear you are coming to this great city! In terms of restaurants, I really recommend Craft for a spendy special occasion dinner. Their menu is built around pairing simple proteins with great vegetable sides. For something casual and affordable, I also really like the Westville restaurants. For just drinking and perhaps also necking in a dark corner booth, I really recommend Temple Bar.
Would def be interested in a weekday evening meetup! Hooray!
Will also ask my GF coworker for special snowflake restaurant recs today…
Special snowflake coworker recommends Angelica Kitchen, Pure Food and Wine, Reviver, Friedman’s and The Little Beet Table, as well as Hu Kitchen, which has already been mentioned.
For drinks near the theater, Glass House on 47th is my favorite pre and post show spot.
that song… just…
okay I’m gonna stop now but I could keep on inserting Sailor Moon gifs in here for the rest of the day, that’s how strong my feelings are.
Hi! Welcome (in advance) to NYC! I am currently funemployed (though there is something in the works so that may no longer be the case by March 14) and therefore should be available for a meetup, even mid-week.
Also, I say this practically every time someone mentions coming to see Hamilton, but if you are also interested in coming uptown to see Hamilton Grange and/or the Morris-Jumel Mansion (Burr’s house, briefly), that’s my neighborhood and there are a bunch of good food/drink places nearby. Also, if you are staying in/near midtown, go to 9th Ave to find restaurants. Anything east of 9th is probably unduly expensive and/or touristy. The possible exception is Lillie’s, on 49th right across from Book of Mormon, which is a BEAUTIFUL Victorian-styled bar/restaurant. They actually imported most of the decor from Ireland, IIRC.
Oh wow, thank you! So much good info!
Oh I just thought of something – my paleo friend loves Hu Kitchen, which is on 5th Ave somewhere in the 20s I think. I suspect you would be able to eat many things there.
This is not on the topic of your post, but you are the one from whom I learned about the 99-cent Hamilton soundtrack on tumblr last night and I blame you for everything that follows. (I listened up through “That Would Be Enough” on my way into work this morning.)
Mmmmmmaybe….
When I saw Hamilton we grabbed lunch at a French place called Pergola des Artistes which is 2 doors over from the Richard Rodgers Theater. I’m not sure exactly what goes into their food, but they had a lot of meat dishes with potatoes and veggies on the side. If that sounds good to you I’m sure they could let you know what they make that you can have if you contact them ahead of time. They were super friendly and helpful to me.
Also, valentine’s is on Sunday! Plans for you or a partner or friends?
I will spending my first Valentines EVER with my husband since he has never been home for one. He will be home one day and then away again for several days. I have not seen him on a month this time and I miss him. There will be a nice home dinner and a good deal of sex and naps.
That sounds like an amazing Valentine’s Day.
Is anybody else doing Galentine’s? I’ve even got presents for my Secret Cupid (which is totally a thing now.)
I have a really lovely Galentine’s planned! Waffle brunch at my place with one group of ladies, and then waffle evening party at a friend’s house (and we’re all supposed to bring a new friend to the evening party!)
LADIES CELEBRATING LADIES
I’m doing galentines brunch with my friends! I was gonna bake a focaccia bread with tomato hearts baked on the top. We will see if I can manage to wrangle tomato slices into hearts.
Secret cupid sounds mega adorable!! I love that idea
I’ll be doing Galentines day as well! We’re going to be making pancakes and possibly eating the cookie dough before we can bake it. Secret cupid sounds amazing btw.
Also, LADIES CELEBRATING LADIES YES
That evening I plan on enjoying a bottle of white wine while doing some free writes and sketching to the soft strains of Stevie Nicks.
Yes, I am so stoked for Galentine’s! 4 fabulous ladies and I will be spending the weekend at the Oregon coast drinking cocktails, cooking delicious things, and since it will probably rain all weekend, gazing wistfully at the ocean and contemplating how our love for each other is as boundless as the sea! Also probably listening to lots of 90s music and crafting. Huzzah!
My friends are scattered around the country so I rely on the internet heavily. On Saturday night we’re going to watch Jupiter Ascending together via rabb.it, which is this great website that lets you video chat a bunch of people while someone “casts” a movie or show to everyone. I use it at least once a week and it’s such a good way to be in touch with my lovely lady friends.
I’m going out of town this weekend, so I had Galentine’s Day waffles yesterday for dinner with my BFF. They were especially delicious.
I will be at my mom’s house for Valentines morning. She told me a few weeks ago that she was going to give me something, so I am trying to think of something to bring her.
Have a wonderful time!
My husband and I are in different states for the occasion. But friends are gathering for movies and nachos, which should be perfect.
I’m in a long distance relationship (bf and I met and started dating in college, then wanted to move to different cities after graduation) and he’s flying down for the weekend! 🙂 We’re going to dinner Saturday and on Sunday we (and a few of my friends) are seeing Carly Rae Jepsen and I can’t think of a better way to spend Valentine’s Day
Yessss to Carly Rae!
That sounds lovely!
Tomorrow we’re going to see Deadpool and probably get burgers or something! Sunday we’re going out for dinner at a restaurant I’ve always wanted to try but which is closing at the end of the month – which is the only thing keeping me from being grumpy about their stupid upcharged Valentine’s Day menu. (My husband keeps asking what we’re doing tonight, and I’m like, nothing? It’s Friday? We don’t need to spend all weekend celebrating!)
So true story, this Valentine’s Day will be my 10-year anniversary with my longest-running partner! However, because we’re poly and we don’t want to make our other partners feel shitty and excluded on a culturally significant holiday, we’re going to celebrate mid-next week with a romantic getaway. (Also my partner didn’t get the weekend off, so that also factored into our decision of when to celebrate.)
I’ll be celebrating V-Day with my other partner tonight. He’s going to treat me like an upper-class Victorian invalid because I’m recovering from a cold. I made him an inkbrush painting and am gonna write him a poem over lunch, lol.
On the actual Valentine’s Day, I’ll probably take myself out to lunch. Then I’ll play Dungeons and Dragons with a bunch of my friends.
we’re on year 2 of what we hope to turn into a long running tradition: rich dessert, fancy beers, and romcoms. Last year’s theme was 90s teen movies + chocolate orange cream pie. This year it’s cheesecake + Nerds & Geeks, so Scott Pilgrim and High Fidelity, and thanks to Toastie Twitter for some recs, probably Sideways as the 3rd movie. (It’s a tough theme if you don’t want to overdo Michael Cera, and we just rewatched Arrested Development so….)
I’m a little disappointed because I have a boyfriend on Valentine’s for literally the first time in my life, but I made plans for a friend to visit months ago so we can’t spend it together. However, we have an ongoing inside joke about smoothies so I’m going to send him one via Grubhub and ask them to put a cute Valentine’s note in the bag.
It’s my birfday! I plan on not really doing much of anything and then having Mr. Thuja make me dinner, probably my favorite birthday dinner from childhood. I may or may not have him make me a cake. The last time he tried there was confusion between T and t in the recipe and it tasted a little odd.
We are making cupcakes with our kids with actual frosting and a ton of sprinkles for them to add, and I suspect that night we will order pizza or something similar. Things with our partner are very up & down right now (he got laid off with tons of severance but lay-offs are never fun, so he is super-stressed and it manifests as random passive-aggressive stuff which argh) so I think we’re going to try to be very chill and not do anything energy-intensive in case it blows up in our face.
My partner and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day much, as his birthday is the 1st of February and our anniversary is the 28th. He will be visiting his parents this weekend; I am crying off and will get to stay at home with the flat to myself; I may watch Magic Mike when it is on E4 tomorrow night. But for our anniversary, we’re going out to a very fancy vegetarian restaurant, which should be nice.
First Valentines Day being married! He wrote me a sonnet full of puns last year, while we were dating, and taped it to my locker at university with an origami flower. This year we’re writing poems for each other, making homemade pizza, and going to see Pride & Prejudice & Zombies. o/
We have had a very busy week and tomorrow is no better, so Valentine’s day is very likely going to be vegging out on the couch with the cats doing very little, and I cannot fucking wait.
Oh, I hope that it’s such a lovely time!!
I feel very fortunate because I have a friend whose birthday is the 14th, so I am travelling to stay in her cozy house in the woods. There will be fires, and cake, and a cat, and a new-to-her-dog. <3
I told bf last month that I don’t like any of the stereotypical stuff (so we would not be going out for dinner, there’s no need for flowers, boxes of chocolates, etc). I think we’re going to stay in (because forecast is for rain) and try to find a way to stream BBC1 so we can watch the BAFTAs, and maybe bake a Victoria Sponge in honour of that. If I can’t get BBC to work, then more episodes of QI instead! And maybe some colouring.
My fiancee and I are looking forward to our annual Valentine’s tradition: wine and takeout for dinner, and renting an un-Valentines-y movie to watch (read: drunkenly heckle) at home. Last year, we saw King Arthur, and this year we’re trying to decide between Jupiter Ascending and Crimson Peak. This has been our Valentine’s plan for the entirety of our relationship, and I love it so much.
I was invited to spend Saturday evening with a person I’m currently dating. It’s supposed to be a surprise! It sounds like it will be very sweet.
However, I’m thinking that she’s really into this relationship and I’m just not feeling it. I’m not a monster, so I won’t have the conversation until next week, but I’m not really looking forward to going through a cutesy-romantic date, knowing that I don’t have cutesy-romantic feels.
Ouch, what a tough situation. Good luck and I hope you can enjoy the date!
I don’t know if you’ll find this to be annoying unsolicited advice, or a relief, but I would actually suggest it would be better to tell her before the date rather than going on it? If I were in her situation I think I might feel really mortified having planned and gone on a cutesy-romantic date just a few days before I got broken up with. And, chances are she will also pick up on the vibe and it will be unpleasant for everyone.
I definitely considered it. But I also think that, bailing two days before she planned a whole thing would be mean. And we did have a “we’re not exclusive” conversation, so *technically* we’re on the same page.
Mostly, I think I am just a jerk for complaining about how hard it is to not have feelings for someone, when it’s harder to have unrequited feelings. I should suck it up.
Gotcha. That makes sense. Also, it’s totally OK to complain! It’s not a contest to be in the worst situation. Having to end things with someone sucks a lot. It sounds like you’re being thoughtful about how to be as kind and considerate as you can and that’s what really matters.
I am running around the neighborhood delivering triple-ginger cookies and flowers to all my friends and neighbors and in-laws, and then we are going to the same swanky restaurant we went to last year, because the prix fixe menu for Valentine’s Day was so good we are still raving about it and can’t wait to go again.
Maybe if we’re very lucky we will run into the same friend-of-my-fella’s-old-employer who sent over a $300 bottle of wine to our table last year.
My partner and I are long-distance, so for Valentine’s we’re going to pick a recipe (I gotta brainstorm on that…) and cook dinner “together” over Skype :3
I’m also getting them a tie pin with the Rebel Alliance symbol on it.
Happy Valentine’s Day! It sounds perfect.
The Fella & I will be enjoying our traditional Valentine’s Day of a horror-movie marathon and homemade pizza; because it’s a busy work weekend, we’ll also follow our tradition of celebrating a day late, on the 15th.
Husband and I are going out to dinner with another couple on Saturday night. We’re going to split a bottle or two of rose champagne and call the holiday ‘celebrated’, so everyone’s off the hook for chocolate, flowers, cards, etc. for Sunday.
We got the great meal deal from a local supermarket (seriously, starter, main, side dish, dessert, bottle of wine and a box of chocolates for 20 pounds) so we’re staying in and having dinner. Before that he’ll probably take the kid swimming and there will be naps. I’m due with our second in a few weeks so I won’t be sharing in the wine but whatever he doesn’t drink will go into a sauce later this week or something.
My partner and I are going to a fancy French restaurant tomorrow night, and although the food and wine is very good, the reason that we go for Valentine’s Day is because of their “sexy menu”. We know the owner and every year, she writes a special menu for Valentine’s Day that describes each dish in a very blatant and sexualized manner. It is very fun. We go just (almost) for the menu.
I’m going to read some of Teresa of Avila’s mystical writings. Because if I can’t spend Valentine’s day with a sexy person, I can at least spend it with a sexy Jesus.
We’re going to the local taco restaurant, who’s doing a special menu amd music. 🙂
My office has no heat. I’m in NYC, it’s freezing cold out, this is all terrible. Space heaters are not sufficient, especially because we can only run two of them (total) without blowing the circuits. GIVE ME WARM THOUGHTS.
Hang in there. Sending you thoughts of crackling fires, warm kittens, maybe even a Kotatsu.
THANKS!
…This is not a good warm for work while surrounded by colleagues.
Oh my God, ours is 83 degrees inside and HR told me everyone else thinks its cold, so they won’t turn on the AC. Sending you mild temperature thoughts!!!
That sounds terrible also! Why can’t our offices just be a normal comfortable temperature??
I’m sayin’! Fingers crossed for normal temperatures soon…
Hi, do we work together?
Possibly, do you work in Hell too?
Oooh, I am sorry to hear that. My office is currently running on insufficient heat because the boilers in the building are old and one of them went out last week, and we aren’t allowed space heaters. They’ve registered our area as being between 48-60 degrees, depending on where you stand. (The 48 degrees is my boss’s office where they had to take all the insulation out of the ceiling in December. Sadly, I sit next to her office door.)
So I am so so sorry you are running on even less heat. I wish I could send you a giant blanket or something.
Clearly they need to allow you to borrow someone’s large fluffy dogs as cuddle-heaters.
And they aren’t sending you home? Wretched!
I am with you in NYC freezing-office-can’t-run-space-heaters-without-blowing-fuses solidarity. That’s been my week too. I’m visualizing a massive fireplace for you.
TIDYING FRIENDS
Thank you for encouraging me to read the KonMari book! That made tidying go super fast, where previously it had been a far more, ah, incremental affair. I now have at least seven boxes of kipple to be picked up by the British Heart Foundation on Tuesday.
MORE TO GO, THOUGH.
oh man, I just started my KonMari journey (ha) last week. the enormous tangled mass of tights and socks and various unsorted clothing at the bottom of my closet has been revolutionized. I marvel at the neat little rolls now.
Unfortunately I am not capable of getting rid of any books whatsoever. Oh well.
I found books easier than previously imagined – I’ve still got a lot, but probably divested myself of about 1/4 of my collection. It was quite useful to think about how often I would reread, refer to or recommend a 2 shilling copy of “Zuleika Dobson” (a:never). The sheer insane abundance on the living room floor was stressful in a helpful way.
Also I realised that a bagful by volume technically or actually belong to my ex, so he can deal with them in his KonMari journey.
I am having mixed feelings about the books, because while it is easy to get rid of things that I can download on Google (Dickens, Eliot, etc.) I have a LOT of books that I really do want to read or reread, and some of them might be difficult/expensive to find again, not because they are particularly precious but because they are weird 70s fantasy novels or whatever. And also, yes, I am deeply emotionally attached to MANY unread books — with read ones it is actually easier because I can get rid of ones I disliked. 🙂
Right – what if I’m giving my next favourite book to charity! It’s quite a relief to not have Evelyn Waugh’s “Sword Of Honour” trilogy staring me down every time I hang my washing, though.
Oh yes! One thing I have definitely taken away from the ambient KonMari is that if I look at a book and feel a stab of anxiety in my gut, it goes away ASAP.
Her position on books is BARBARIC and RIDICULOUS. I am firmly on board with everything else she says, but I have had books that sat on my shelf for YEARS before I read them and then loved them. I WILL NOT GIVE UP A SINGLE BOOK.
I just finished the book and am excited to start on my tidying journey, but yeah, when she said that she was down to 30 books, my jaw dropped. My sister suggested that maybe it should be 30 *per author.*
Based on this, I would read your sister’s tidying book.
She is so even-handed on everything else, all “have as many things as you need” and “keep what gives you joy” and then it’s “NO HUMAN NEEDS MORE THAN SIX BOOKS.”
So I am totally comfortable ignoring her book advice.
I really don’t get it. Half of those six books slots are already taken by The Lord of the Rings, how the hell should I decide on only THREE other books to keep? How could one cram in both GRRM and Rothfuss there? The math just doesn’t work out.
What’s the use of a library if I already know everything in it? (Somebody somewhere wrote something along the lines of this. Don’t quote me on it.)
My truck is LOADED to the brim with books right now. I kept about 40. I’ve been leaning a lot more on the library system (I love you interlibrary loan) and soooo many of the books I love the best I don’t own. It was surprising to me to hold books I know I loved or survived because of once and recognize I feel kinda sad about them esp. when I contrasted them to the ones that I ended up keeping. I kept coming back to the keeper books and letting more go. It was so bizarre. OK and it felt amazing to bag up my entire BA’s worth of women’s and gender studies texts. Like pure heaven.
I did CDs last night and kept 6 including 1 jewel case for the single “mouth” by Merrill Bainbridge aka
my new favorite #1 possession.
I realized recently that I get much less attached to my books when I have access to a great library system! I am excited about 99% of things right now about moving back to Philly from the Bay Area in a few months but am dreading not having access to basically every library in California plus some in Nevada via Link+. 🙁
Ohhhhhhhhhhh hmn this makes me exceptionally thoughtful, because yes, there are definitely books which were survival books 30 years ago and now they just make me feel sad. Hmn. Hmn.
Agreed, it is a glorious feeling.
Same here. Everything else in my house will just have to fit around them.
I cannot imagine getting rid of books, too. It’s like they have souls, you can’t just throw them out.
Oh oh oh I read That Book, too, and I’m pretty certain I’m going to try it out… this weekend. I’m excited/scared, and also did anybody else notice that Kondo’s book basically describes actual ritualistic magic (as we know it from both fiction and ethnology), or did I imagine that? I had a lot of Thoughts about that while reading it, more than about the actual content.
I haven’t read it yet but the ritualistic magic makes me even more curious. 🙂
I accidentally wrote an essay about it in reply to Toastie AVincennes below, read on your own risk. 🙂
I’m glad you did, it’s fascinating!
Really like the formal title “Toastie”, used like “Goody”.
Yes, it totally does! I love that aspect of it, because idk, I totally feel heartless and ungrateful if I just chuck stuff out. But the idea of thanking it for the part that it has played in my life and then donating it/chucking it makes complete sense.
Interested to hear more of your thoughts about this! Because I feel what you’re talking about but can’t fully express it. I did enjoy how much of it was about honouring the mundane, which I think plays into the magic and ritual piece.
Ok, hear me out everybody. After reading the KonMari book, I’ve decided that it is, for all claims and purposes, a description of ritual magic.
Alan Moore* says: “Magick […] it’s the science of manipulating symbols, sounds or images to achieve changes in conciousness.” Doesn’t matter if you’re drawing hieroglyphs, drawing comics, or tidy your room. The end result promises you to reach a state of enlightenment and change your life substantially.
Kondo’s book:
– presents a fixed set of rules, not to be deviated from or added to: only the exact proper way of the magician yields the described result
– claims to change a physical and/or psychological aspect of the world and/or the practitioner
– can only be taught in the proper way by a personal mentor or her arcana, her book of magic**
– gathered a large cult following – the next step, actually, would be the founding of an order of acolytes, pupils. I bet at some point we’ll see KonMari seminars on teaching people to teach her method.
– is based largely on intuition and relies on feelings
– describes ritualistic movements (bowing down, greeting the house) and incantations (“Thank you for being of service to me!”)
– even looks down on and discourages other practises and methods – magicians, after all, play not well with others
– only works when you really WANT it (deliberate actions, power of the mind) and BELIEVE in it (suspension of disbelieve, overruling of logic, can’t be replicated in a scientific way) – quite conveniently, it also takes the responsibility away from the teacher: if the method doesn’t work for you as described, you didn’t believe in it hard enough! Personal agency is stressed throughout the book: Kondo keeps repeating that she cannot tidy up for you, she can only show the way. The power lies in the practicioner herself, not the teacher.
Kondo describes herself as: especially talented from a very young age, an almost social outsider due to her obsessions, self-taught (= ultimate authority AND the first one to invent this method), coming from a long journey of self-discovery, singularly focused, possessing extreme devotion and (physical) stamina, presenting a rather thin layer of humility, religious roots and quasi-authority (Shinto shrine maiden). Even her sense and experience of the world differs from that of others: she claims to “hear” the voices of houses and physical objects and see their relations with their owners.
All that should sound familiar to readers of fantasy. 🙂 I could go on.
Edit 2: She indeed advises the reader to build literal shrines, encasing their most loved possessions/mementos.
tl;dr We’re practising magic when we’re trying out Kondo’s method in earnest.
*AKA The Wizard of England
** Which, unusually, is NOT arcane – it’s become a bestseller. Pop culture magic!
Edit: Oh. This was more than I thought. Huh.
Please write all the book reviews from now on.
I love this. Will digest over the weekend, thank you!
But those would be terrible book reviews. “Didn’t talk about magic, enlightenment, or storage systems once. 0/10”
Also, I might or might not wander to the local library to get my hands on some secondary literature about magical practises soon. I feel like I should add proper quotations to my rant. I’d love to hear your ideas, too.
When I was thinking about the magic piece, I was much more thinking about the objects than the system – taking as a key text the Iris Murdoch quotation – “The dog’s tooth, when sincerely venerated, glows with light”. It’s the sense of your things no longer being “your things” but shifting them to a state of “things that are chosen by you” that means they bring you joy. Which is the other way around from how it is described in Kondo’s book; she says choose to keep things that bring you joy, but the act of choosing in itself can do that.
Another reference that I kept thinking was Daniel Miller’s The Comfort Of Things – a beautiful book by an anthropologist, where people talk him through their loved possessions – it’s very much about the things that are loved in the mundane and the every day. And the act of choosing brings more of these things to light, causes more mundane things to be valued in this way.
I’m pretty sure I’ve read interviews where Kondo said that she’s switched from being a tidying consultant to training other people to be tidying consultants, because her waiting list was just too long. So you can check off the acolytes point.
HA.
I think her general approach is shaped by practicing Shintoism.
Yeah, she alludes to that pretty directly. Animism isn’t just fantasy stuff, it’s a real tradition people practice!
Yes, I think it does. While I have had no luck convincing my hoarding-inclined husband to reduce his t-shirt collection or his book collection (or cd collection or cassette tape collection…), the one thing he latched onto was the idea of creating personal shrines and the expiration date of magical items. He has already created several dusty shrines throughout the house, which I have tried for a long time to get him to cull/clean, but reframing objects as totems with limited power is an idea that is actually meaningful to him.
Yesss, I completely forgot that she even encourages the readers to build shrines! I must add this to the rather lengthy reply I gave to AVincennes, above.
One thing about KonMari that I gave an honest try but ended up disagreeing with: where to store out-of-season clothes. She says keep them with everything else, because there is enough room (she was right about that part). However. I really don’t need my wool jacket anywhere in sight during most of the year, or even in winter most years tbqh (Southern California) (it was a gift, okay), nor do I need tank tops in the winter. It’s just silly. Plus if I store them in a bin in the shed where they belong, then when I get them out again it’s LIKE OH MY GOD I FORGOT ABOUT YOU I HAVE MISSED YOU which I feel is very much in the spirit of things giving me joy.
One of my roommates had me walk her through the system when she cleaned her closet and cosmetics, but for the most part, never having to throw any thing away is what gives her joy. Hard to argue with that.
That is definitely true! By the end of winter, I cannot bear to gaze upon my winter coat anymore, but when I get it out again in the fall I am pleased again by its cuteness!
I think I’m a little addicted to KonMari. My wardrobe has shrunk a lot in the last few years so that I’m rarely able to do a huge closet clean out like I used to do in the days when thrift shopping was my main hobby. Now every time I realize I’ve gotten sick of a single blouse I get a little thrill of excitement.
I’ve moved on to helping my mom clean out her house. She doesn’t get rid of enough imo but it still hits the spot. Help, I have a sickness.
Would anyone care to join me in frothing at the mouth and trying to set this guy on fire with my mind?
https://nycpastor.com/2014/12/29/10-women-christi…
Those women listed would be best served by avoiding the men he’s talking to, so really I can see this as a win/win. Which is not to say the author doesn’t not deserve to be set on fire…
“There is no room in Christendom for the ‘Christian feminist.'”
WELP. Sometimes I’m glad Christendom doesn’t exist anymore then?
Mind-flames activated.
The companion piece he links to about his OTHER masterpiece, 10 men christian women should not marry, does NOT help with the mind-flame problem. Aaaaaaarrrgh.
I started to skim the list but blacked out in rage after the ‘Older Women are trash bags and not ideal’ point. I think I also saw a point against feminists, so this person is obviously garbage and should be placed on the curb with my cat’s old litter and yesterday’s newspaper.
I did/could not finish reading.
I think my “favourite” is his explanation of the Gospel:
“1. God is holy, loving, and just. He therefore, must condemn all sinners to punishment in the flames of eternal hell”
Yep, we should all expect clear logic from the mind that accepts that as one coherent thought.
I mean I knew what it was going to be before I clicked through, but I was really hoping it was going to be like 10 Specific women and it was just like a grudge piece against women who have turned him down in the past.
Heh, “3. Elspeth. We all know why, don’t we.”
*vomits*
Slightly less angry because the comments are mainly okay.
(Is he right about age differences between spouses causing a shorter lifespan??? I have never heard that before.)
If he is right, it would be the first thing he’s been right about… ever, probably.
But that line actually cracked me up: “Marrying an older man shortens a woman’s lifespan, but having a younger husband reduces it even more, the study found.”
Marrying Men: Might As Well Take Up Smoking, Ladies.
Also, all the one-fingered salutes for shaming those of us who don’t want children. Shove that biological imperative nonsense. (Also x2, what if THE MAN doesn’t want kids? Hrm?)
Additional ones for having an article about why gay* people cannot be Christians, and may he be greeted by a legion of LGBTQ Christians when he gets to Heaven.
* he didn’t say lesbians, bi/poly/pansexuals, or asexuals couldn’t be Christians 😉
I once proofread a (self-published, very short) book that essentially boiled down to “hey dudes: women are evil and will mess up your life; here are lots of bible stories where that happens.” I kind of wish I’d made a copy, because some of those leaps of logic were straight-up hilarious, in an “I have to laugh or I’ll cry” way.
Oh hang on, I just remembered one thing: “It takes six men to carry a man to the grave, but only one woman to send him there.” Also the author is a judge, so, you know, this is the kind of critical thinking you can expect in our justice system.
“It takes six men to carry a man to the grave, but only one woman to send him there.”
Wait, isn’t that misandry and so, good? Women get shit done!
(I do not condone murder.)
Yeah, I think he intends that to be cautionary, but the idea that one woman has more power than six men is actually pretty great, to me.
I’m in! BTW this was my favorite: “The Older Woman. Not a sin, but certainly not God’s ideal. “
I am at least six of those women. Better warn my boyfriend. (We are both atheists, so it’s probably fine.)
I know, it’s like spite bingo! I think I’m at least seven. I’m a little annoyed that I didn’t get 10/10.
That kidney news is such a wonderful thing to hear. It’s great to hear about all the kind people in the world, and in this Toast community specifically.
In other news, this week has been the longest week I’ve had in a very long time. Some of it will probably carry over into the weekend, but I won’t have work and it’s a three day weekend, so I am very much looking forward to recharging and catching up on tv in my downtime. Shows on my list to catch up on:
1. People vs. OJ Simpson
2. Jane the Virgin
3. The Good Wife (I’m so glad it’s ending this season since that’s clearly what the Kings have been aiming for for a while, and I hope they can pick things up in the final 9 eps and end on a high note)
4. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
5. You’re the Worst (I still have like three episodes left to watch in season 2)
What are you planning on watching this weekend, Toasties?
CXG makes me endlessly happy. I wish I could talk about it without that name.
MAN SEEKING WOMAN
Sleepy Hollow! I stopped watching towards the end of Season 2, so a few weeks ago, I started rewatching from the beginning (and roped in my boyfriend). I’m three episodes into Season 3, now, so not much farther to go before I’m caught up.
I am still angry at them for the whole Katrina storyline and shoehorning whatshisface in there.
My boyfriend liked whatshisface. I expressed my dislike of whatshisface in moderate, hedge-filled language, and did not express the faint dismay that my boyfriend, a person I love and trust, liked whatshisface.
Oh I adore Jane the Virgin. I was intrigued by the initial commercials and now I’m just all over it every week.
My guilty pleasure binge watch right now is Pretty Little Liars which is so delightfully outrageously ridiculous. And I just picked up all of the Anne of Green Gables movies from the library to watch this weekend.
AHHH this makes me want to rewatch Anne of Green Gables too! Maybe that will become #6 on my list.
I recently noticed that most of the shows that I am caught up on star women, and I am aOK with that. I’m especially excited to have an episode of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and an episode of Agent Carter to catch up with this weekend.
I caught up on Quantico during the last blizzard (so diverse! so well-plotted! so hot!) and will be finishing Jane the Virgin this weekend. OJ probably next!
I keep meaning to start Quantico but at this point I think I’m gonna wait on season 1 to finish so I can marathon it!
jane brings me GREAT JOY every week, and i adore gina rodriguez to the ends of the earth
YOU’RE THE WORST IS MY FAAAAAAVORITE. I loved everything about season 2 so much I need to go back and watch it again
IT’S THE BEEEST. I love it so much, and I love Gretchen’s storyline this season, but because of the subject matter I’d been waiting to be in the right mood to finish the season because I know I’ll be an emotional mess. BUT I’M EXCITED.
In line with my annual Valentines Day tradition, I’m watching all of the Die Hard movies on Sunday. I’m going to bake and order sushi and it will be fantastic!
Going to binge through episodes 5-10 of Better Call Saul.
Free Hulu has all of these K-Dramas so I have a huge backlog. I am watching Answer Me 1988 right now and it’s so good! I will have to restrain my viewing habits this weekend since I have a lot of work to do and each episode is 1 1/2 hours long.
I tend to get into shows long after everyone else discovers them and/or they go off the air, so I’m finishing the last season of Leverage this weekend. (I love it to bits, so I may well start rewatching from the beginning immediately on finishing it.)
I love Leverage so much!!! I want to be Parker when I grow up.
Chicago toastfriends, I am hosting the next cookbook club in March! Look for the group “The Toast – Chicago” on the facebooks for details.
On the topic of local Toast groups, does anyone have the info for the NYC facebook group and/or meetups?
I can never find the page.
YAY! I hope I can go this time!!
Julie Andrews is finally eating from a dish again, after a week where she would only eat if I hand-fed her (canned cat food, it was gross) and she’d take at least an hour to eat each time, and I was worried and also resentful. But now she’s back to normal and that’s a relief. But she’s still going to the vet on Monday.
And hooray for kidneys!
Took me a second to realize you were talking about your cat and not the actual Julie Andrews.
Usually I’d preface it with the not-part-of-her-name “Feline,” but I’m feeling contrary today.
Same here! My first thought was DEAR GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO JULIE ANDREWS
oh, wait, cat! Glad she’s doing better and good luck at the vet!
Did not realize this was a pet at first, double-taked excessively.
I was very confused by this post until I got to the parentheses.
I’m glad your kitty is doing better!
This post was a short but wild ride. A+.
when my elderly cats went through appetite loss, my vet suggested flavor switching, where you buy quality wet food in a few flavors and/or put salmon oil or tuna water with it, in hopes of encouraging appetite. i just thought i’d throw it out there if your cat isn’t too picky about only one kind of food, and if it happens again.
you can also syringe feed, if you have a decent-sized liquid syringe. either mash up pate wet food into low-salt chicken broth, or just broth on its own.
one of my cats caught calisi virus from her time in the shelter, which is a carried illness that can express itself when her immunity is low. she will just sleep and not eat for about 3 days, and i leave her liquid foods, and on day 3 if she hasn’t eaten, i syringe feed, which usually gets her eating again. the vet said there’s really nothing to do but help her through it, so i just watch for it.
if it turns out your cat has something like this, i’ve heard lysine is a good immune support, and some companies make treats with it. i just ordered some. i hope your kitty feels better soon!
You can add a product called FortiFlora to the wet food as well (I gather it’s meant for cats suffering from diarrhea, as it has a probiotic) which seems to attract them to the food.
When my foster went back to the shelter he was so depressed he stopped eating, and so he was on a low dose of mirtazapine to stimulate his appetite, so that’s always another option.
you know, i always forget about mirtazapine, because my cats got it when they had kidney disease, and it upset their tummies so much, i ruled it out. but for a younger cat, it’s a fine option.
One thing I think needs to be said more in these replies is that Julie Andrews is one of the greatest cat names ever. Congratulations and thank you.
Also, this thread is pretty informative for me and my cat, who’s got something going on with food but we don’t know what. (Probably allergies, possibly loss of appetite, maybe just being picky about specialty food.) But she usually eats if I put down her plate in front of her and then pet her, and being the nocturnal magical creature that she is, will eat quite a bit if it’s late at night. I don’t know. She eats a little. It’s better than nothing. I love her and will feed her anything.
For a second, I thought you were talking about Julie Andrews the person. It dawned on me when I got to the part about hand-feeding but that took another second, during which I was very confused to say the least.
I’m glad your cat is recovering well!
you guysssss, my little sister is coming to visit me this weekend! she’s 21 and it’ll be the first time we hang out As Adults without the rest of the family.
she is so cool and feminist and working on a biochem degree and also a baby queer and just AAAAAAAAAAH i’m so excited.
i don’t really have any questions or advice to ask for but, i dunno, brag on your siblings, if you want!
My little brother graduated from college last year, got exactly the job he wanted, and when I met his coworkers last month for his training class graduation ceremony they were all really excited to have him on board. I’m so happy for him! We text all the time about stupid stuff like what we’re eating for dinner and whether we should go grocery shopping because we’re running out of food but UGH it’s so cold maybe it can wait another day, right?? Sibling friends are great!
My sister visited this summer and we definitely had that “Oh my God we are together as adults with no other family around” realization that we definitely like each other. Like, I knew we got along fine as kids and are fairly alike in our interests, but spending time with her out of the family context was kind of a revelation.
You get a way better sense of who they are as people. (Or maybe you haven’t had that experience; my sister is 9 years younger so I didn’t know her as a whole person when we still lived in the same house.)
Also, her new boyfriend is the coolest and I want them to stay together forever so we can keep him.
yeah, that’s the experience i’m having. she’s 7 years younger and we were never really on the level, plus she watched me screw things up with my parents by being a loudmouth, so she has mostly kept her head down. and then, SURPRISE! she turned out awesome.
I’m in a similar situation–my younger sister is 7 years younger than me and it’s been fun forming a more mature relationship with her. We’re pretty similar, so we have a lot of shared interests, but we can also piss each other off hardcore, at which point nobody seems mature.
Same here — my sister is 8 years younger, so like you all, we didn’t really know each other as full humans until way later. And she is the best! She started grad school in the fall, getting an MPH in Maternal and Child Health, and I’m so proud and excited to see where she ends up.
My brother just graduated college and while he still lives at home and miiiight be veering into a Dirtbag Spring, he also a real life Drake and thus I am honored to be his older sister.
I am the youngest so I did the opposite, as in: twice during university I elected to spend my reading week travelling to where my sister lived to visit her. Once my older brother happened to be there as well at the same time and we all had a lovely time hanging out together!
As a youngest sibling, I can say that when your older siblings begin treating you as an adult peer with whom they are now on equal footing with it feels really, really great. Like, I still remember how fucking exciting it was when I was 20 and my brother asked me for dating advice. Dating advice! From his little sister who he used to find immensely annoying (not always without reason)!
This gives me hope! I’m the oldest of five, two in high school, one graduated college, one starting college in the fall. Our parents recently divorced and I’m the only one that lives independently, so I’ve been doing a lot of fretting about how to support them and treat them like adults at the same time. Hopeful that without parents to lead our little pack I’ll do a good enough job as we all get older.
oof, that’s a lot to have on your shoulders. i don’t want to say something dumb like “all oldests are good leaders” but…..i feel like we mostly are. at least to our own younger family. i bet you’ll all do great.
I’m flying out to Boston to visit my sister on my own for the first time in March. It’s awesome, my sister is MUCH cooler than me but we have pretty much identical senses of humor, so every time we see each other it’s basically just us cracking each other up nonstop. AND she’s going into psychology to help veterans with PTSD and just…such nachas she gives me!
My (older) sister begrudgingly came to one of my comedy shows for the first time in literally months, this week, so that’s good, and is kinda-dating some white dude who doesn’t like cheese, so if anyone would like to be my additional sister please apply within.
My younger brother is a straight ex-fratboy Tea Party conservative, so that’s nothing to brag about. But last night I was able to brag that he had been a Backstreet Boys fan back in the day and still knows the names of every guy in the band.
My younger sisters have turned out to be excellent people and we are continually amazed at how much we genuinely like each other as adults.
The college sister sent me this lovely text about her first women’s studies class after she overheard one of her classmates complaining that the class was biased because the professor was a feminist: “ummmm if this wasn’t taught by a feminist the you’d be learning about women’s history and struggles from a person who doesn’t believe men and women should have equal rights so it’d be even more biased. I have much to teach this young one”
i love those moments when you’re like, “yesss, she gets it.”
my sister is in the engineering program in a very conservative state, so she’s surrounded by young garbage men, so many of our conversations are about how to deal with them, but also get things done, and also not lose your soul. much of my advice has been “make the jerk-off motion when they’re speaking” but i think she’s too polite to do it.
My little brother was part of the team of lawyers that just won the lawsuit about the song “Happy Birthday” being public domain. He worked with Rupa Marya & then joined the larger company’s suit, and damn but I’m so proud of him!
( http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/02/11/happy-birthday…)
RAD.
So my little sister was definitely the dirtbag of the family for a while there. Failing year 12! Regular drinking blackouts! Sleeping with dirtbag guys out of low self esteem! And we couldn’t be in the same house for a night without someone screaming.
Fast forward 8 years and my little sister bought a house! And is graduating from her masters that her work – who think she’s a rockstar – paid for! And is doing consulting work for a start up in her spare time! And is still having casual sex, but now it’s because she likes having orgasms with handsome dudes! And we genuinely enjoy going out with each other and hanging out and taking road trips!
We’re still shit at expressing our feelings openly, but we find ways. She doesn’t sign the card in the flowers she sends me on her birthday but I know they’re from her because they’re addressed to ‘Smelly’. I answer the phone when she calls me at 2am to ask some random question she could’ve googled, send her tinder conversations for her advice, and run ‘so my graduation is on a Friday… and mum’s birthday is the next day… I get unlimited tickets… if you were going to be in the area…’ through our emotional cripple translator and immediately book flights home.
~~sisters~~
My younger sister is graduating college this spring and she just got accepted to two different grad programs and now has to choose which school upon which to bestow the favor of her presence. I am incredibly proud of her.
My little brother is in the Army, but also a feminist and someone who will shout down people complaining about allowing Sikh soldiers to wear turbans and explain exactly why people are incorrect when they say all Muslims are terrorists, and so on and so forth. I don’t agree with all his life choices, but he’s the coolest and if someone is doing to be in the armed forces, I think he’s got a pretty strong moral code and will do the most good with what he is given. Also, he’s lots of fun to hang out with, and loves my giant fat cat Sadie.
Dogs.
They can’t all be Sansa, but they’re still pretty cute.
Shelter pups, shelter pups, weekly dose of shelter pups.
I am lost in those eyes. I would commit multiple felonies for those eyes. Those eyes could make me their spaniel.
Just get some cake for those eyes and they’ll be good.
on a tangent from nicole’s awesome pump-yourself-up top…
what are some fashion risks you’ve been taking lately? i wanna hear all about how you’re being your best selves!
i, for one, bought a BACKLESS DRESS. i have yet to wear it, but i wouldn’t have even considered trying one on in the past, and it looks goooood. i just have to…have an occasion to which i can wear a backless dress.
I just purchased a bright green blouse with a cacti pattern on ebay. It’s utterly ridiculous and silk. I am determined to love and cherish it and wear it with a blazer or something and just deal with how annoying silk is.
silk is sooo annoying but also sooo wonderful. also cacti are great, that blouse sounds delightful!
oh gosh it’s so ridiculous and great
!! that is fabulous
Didn’t you tweet that someone should buy this? I am v happy that you did it.
I did! Then I finished my beer 😀
wait, this is green??
i remembered it as greener than it was before I looked at the photo again. you’re not losing your mind, it’s yellow!
I hear you on silk, but to my surprise, one of my best-loved pieces of clothing is a silk shirt! I think the key is for silk things to be slightly oversize; I am a sweaty beast and I feel like I’m going to sweat right through anything that’s too delicate and pressed against my skin. But my One True Silk Shirt is juuust large enough that I don’t feel constricted and it hangs just right and I love it and wear it all the time!
maxi sheath dresses. i know that i look like a sausage in a casing, but i don’t care because they are comfy and freeing and i don’t even have to consider underwear.
i laughed at the sausage description, but personally think maxi sheath dresses are pretty flattering! i don’t know, there’s something nice about seeing the shape of the body, no matter what that shape is. even sausage shape, haha.
i didn’t even consider the underwear angle and now i am INTRIGUED. maybe this summer will be a maxi sheath summer…
I don’t wear maxis (because I’m short) but I love wearing stretchy knit sundresses in summer for the same reason, especially to skip the underwear. My arms probably look like sausages OUT of their casings, but I don’t care. They’re comfy, and it gets really hot in summer. They feel like wearing a bathing suit, except with a fun swishy skirt.
Today I’m wearing a dress that I bought and wore to a fancy company party a few years ago. Then I didn’t wear it for a while because it looks fancy even though it’s very soft and comfortable and not strapless or anything. But I rescued it the last time I went home and now I’m just wearing it for normal things because it’s pretty and so am I.
I’ve also been wearing more lipstick lately. All bright red and pink.
ooh, that sounds lovely! yay for pretty dresses!
also, i am inspired by your bright lipstick wearing! i own so many bright lipsticks but never wear them…
Speaking of lipstick- I’ve been wearing a bright orange lately. So much fun!
I just got gifted a sari and I want to rock the ever living hell out of it but don’t know where such a thing would be possible.
anywhere and everywhere!
I brought a motherfving fur coat!
ooooh! luxurious!
I am so jealous of your backless dress!! I look at them all the time and then say “but where would I wear it?” and never buy them 🙁 I need to take a risk like you did!
My fashion risks lately have been of the “crazy fun patterned leggings” variety. Specifically galaxy pants, black glitter leggings, and a pair of awesome bright red buffalo-plaid joggers from the Target boys section. They make me feel like a Cool Dancer Chick In A Music Video.
go for the backless dress! for me, it helps that the front has a high neckline and is TIGHT, so i don’t feel like my bazoomas are just rattling around.
also, Cool Dancer Chick In A Music Video sounds like a GREAT aesthetic.
“rattling around” ahahahaha that is a wonderful and painful image.
Where does one find black glitter leggings? Inquiring minds want–nay, need–to know.
If you are the size of an extra-large girl (as I am), then: the girl’s section at Target. I realize this isn’t for everyone, but it’s cheap and cute if you are on the petite side.
I have also seen fun leggings at Lotus Leggings–I really want a pair of the shiny mermaid-scale ones.
Ahh. Sadly no, I was the kid who hasn’t been able to buy stuff out of the girls’ section since I was maybe eleven. But those sound totally awesome and I fully support all glitter legging life choices. 😀
asos, maybe?
I’m going to a black tie event in a couple of weeks, and I will be wearing a floor-length emerald gown completely, 100% covered in sequins. I am a relatively reserved person, and calling that much attention to myself is a little intimidating. I wouldn’t have even tried it on, but the salesperson told me it was the best emerald dress they had and that it would look amazing on me. She was right. So now I get to pincurl my hair, put on my best Peggy Carter red lipstick for luck, and get ready to wear the most attention-grabbing dress I have worn in many years.
oh my god, this sounds fabulous. also i was just watching the latest episode of agent carter last night and thought her lipstick looked even better than usual…and it’s always fantastic. A+ inspiration.
Yes! That sounds amazing. I did something similar but with a navy blue dress a few years ago, and I felt like some gorgeous retro badass the whole time. Enjoy!
My goodness!!!!! That sounds awesome. Go you! Share a photo with us if you feel so inclined when you’re all glammed up. You’re going to rock the shit outta those sequins. What’s the event? Oh I dream of someday going to an event that requires floor length sequins. Hope it’s super fun!
I bought this amazing coat last week (how could I say no to a sale like that) and between that opulent black lamb fur collar and the leather sleeves, when I wear it I’m all everybody look at me!! please reflect on how lucky you are to be sharing the same physical space as me!! which is cool because normally I’m like oh shit, are people looking at me??
also I’m short enough that it goes several inches past my knees so I’m just a column of darkness and leather and fur and I LOVE IT
oh my god. that is like dream coat status. i’m tempted myself…
Also the pockets are ENORMOUS and deep enough to fit an iPad mini
I bought a weirdly layered/folded/gathered skirt of the kind I always admire on Japanese artists and wish I had the style to pull off. I suspect I’m not succeeding at that, but I love it and am wearing it anyway.
i suspect you are pulling it off just fine!
The closest to risky I’ve been lately is considering buying a jumpsuit (I’m just waiting to find one that acknowledges that I need to be able to wear a bra! apparently the default assumption among jumpsuit designers is that if you’re covering your legs in voluminous fabric, you want your tits flying?), but this comment is inspiring me to dig through my closet and put together a Friday class ‘n’ office hours ensemble worthy of six-years-ago me, who wore a lot more random probably-unflattering-but-fun shit than I do now. Velvet figure skater skirt and desert boots ahoy!
yesss the jumpsuit conundrum. i tried on a really lovely one at forever 21 over the summer but they didn’t have my size…it’s one of those items of clothing that i still think about wistfully sometimes.
velvet skater skirt and desert boots = A+
I went to Sephora with my mom because I’m in town, and I bought purple lipstick and “glitter eyeliner.” Why not?
need to linger here for inspiration! i realized i’ve been wearing jeans and a t shirt every day for like, way too long. to work and everything! and the same jacket every day. :'(
I bought a jumpsuit! I still haven’t worn it outside my house but I am very excited to have an opportunity to do so.
So, two things. First, a triumph: I’m going to the beach next week and I needed a new swimsuit. My first stop was Target, where I liked exactly one of them, which came in exactly one size (different top and bottom sizes, of course). I tried it on, it fit, and I bought it! Easiest bathing suit acquisition ever. I love it because the bottom is like tiny shorts and the top is like a sports bra with a fancy back – no hooks or knots to come undone. (I still have all the accompanying angst about going out in public in a two-piece, but at least it’s one I like.)
And the second thing: for Christmas, my mom got me some amazing plaid pants from Anthropologie, and my wife got me an amazing hat from Goorin Bros. I love both of the clothing items and they match each other, but last night I wore them out in public and couldn’t stop thinking about what a bad sign it is when a dude wears plaid pants and (basically) a fedora. Is it different for girls?? I hope it is.
Yay for backless dresses. I loooove them and they feel a bit special to me because I am quite skinny without much of a cleavage (used to be much smaller too and had nothing to speak of) and I was always jealous of women who could when they felt like it wear something low-cut and feel super-sexy and that really didn’t work for me…AND THEN I DISCOVERED BACKLESS DRESSES. Yes.
Oh and I reckon you should be basically shameless about wearing it out. Any vaguely party-ish function or date I would wear mine to.
ah see, i have the reverse problem! although, kind of the same problem. i am quite bosom-y but 1) feel a little uncomfortable showing them off 2) always lament that i cannot wear the kinds of dresses that require you to go bra-free. but lately i am saying, WHATEVER, i can go bra-free when i want! and in a tight backless dress, it seems quite possible!
yay for backless dresses all around!
You will have to make an occasion. Wear it out once even it you’re overdressed – and you will find a million more occasions to put it on.
My debate team is having dinner with the school we lost states to and I am going to show up in a Free Winona tee and docs.
Inspired by all the beautiful Toasties on Twitter, I recently bought my first jumpsuit. It’s black and white and it has GORGEOUS HALF SLEEVES and it’s so so airy and whoa, does it showcase my belly but I just. don’t. care. because it’s fabulous.
I’ve also been buying and wearing more lipstick lately which I never used to dare do because it felt costumey but no, it’s great. And I’m not even uncomfortable with people noticing anymore either which is lovely. My lips are awesome, let them take note if they like, they’re mine to paint however red I want – or not.
I decided, after years of liking them and my mother going on and on about how larger girls ought not wear them, that screw it, now i live in a different country, i can wear knee-socks if i want to. So I do, and the sight of me in them has damaged nobody’s eyes, and an old Dutch man saw me in the street and asked if I wasn’t going to get cold knee-caps while wearing them <3
You know how sometimes a situation leaves you saying, “Well, I’m disappointed, but I can’t say I’m surprised.” Re: The news above, I’m enormously touched–there have been a few kidney hand-offs in my family and it’s an extraordinary thing to do for someone–but not at all surprised. Good, good hearts here.
And now for my question. Anyone doing laundry outside the dominant paradigm, please give me your best tips for drying clothes when a dryer is not available! I’m trying to build an arsenal of options that won’t burn my apartment down but results in foldable, non-moldy clothes. Stealth washing tips also appreciated, because the one washer here is pricey and a bit lackluster. Thank you thank you. I like where I’m living, but pecking away at the challenging aspects before they become soul-crushing nightmares is important, and clean underwear is definitely a part of that.
Hangers on the shower curtain rod! Get the kind with a rod on the bottom that you can fold things over, so your sweaters, etc. don’t get the little dents in the shoulders. You can also get hangers with a bunch of little clips to hold socks, underwear, etc.
Also, I have been considering this hand-crank washing machine for a long time. If our next place doesn’t have in-building laundry, I will probably get it.
Just a note on the curtain rod thing though, my apartment has a fairly crappy tension rod type shower curtain rod and I can’t hang anything on it without it all falling everywhere. It makes me cranky.
I perpetually use a laundry rack that takes up a chunk of floor space when it’s open, but it has a hanging bar over the top and it works really well. I got this one at Sam’s Club but other places carry them as well, I know.
I have one and it sucks, sadly 🙁 Hand-washing my unmentionables and hauling my stuff to the laundromat every other week works in the meantime.
I looked at that for a long time when I thought there was NO washer/dryer here and had a terrible “Wonderwall” earworm as a result. TO-day is gonna be the day…
I had one of those, it was a bit more work than I was hoping so I ended up just using it for underwear and socks between trips to the laundromat.
We use laundry racks in my apartment– I never machine dry spandex, jeans, bras, “nice” shirts, or sweaters so I use it even when a dryer is available– and they work pretty well? We leave it near a window in the summer for airflow and near the heater in the winter, and never have an issue with molding. They fold down and fit in one of our under-sink cabinets so they’re pretty easy to keep around. Is that the kind of thing you’re looking for?
I’ve had the same collapsable drying rack since college, and I’m definitely a fan of that option. I have a bunch of stuff that I don’t like to put in the CRAZY STRONG dryers in my basement that have very limited options for control (must pay for 45 minutes and only three possible settings). So thank goodness I kept the drying rack!
Seconding (or thirding) the collapsible drying rack option. I use one for the stuff that can’t go through the dryer, and it works great. They aren’t very expensive, either.
yes, yes, yes, drying rack. There are also little round hanging clip hangers that are excellent for drying small lots of socks and skivvies.
When I was a kid, I grew up on well water, so bathwater often doubled as laundry water. I took a lot of baths with bedding.
Re: washing, soak stuff forever in buckets/tubs of warm water. I did 9 months of handwashing clothes while I was doing volunteer work, and if I could ever get my shit together early enough in the day to give things a nice long soak in warm soapy water, it was pretty helpful.
Foldy-up clothes airer and a space heater near enough to it that the clothes actually dry and don’t stay damp for a week.
Are you in the UK? That’s the only place I’ve ever lived where drying clothes led to crusty awfulness. A dehumidifier might help make the air less damp, and making sure your clothes are as dry as they can be when they come out of the washer (don’t overload the machine, and use an extra spin cycle if need be) will help them dry faster.
The only things I put in the dryer are bedsheets and towels, so happily I only need to do that every few weeks when I do a bedding wash.
I bought a dehumidifier in a previous apartment to keep the towels from mildewing. I never used it for that. Then I discovered that if I leave it on overnight with my wet clothes hanging from the shower bar, they are dry enough to wear in the morning.
It has really helped me manage my clothing because I tend to say, “I won’t bother to wash it if I can’t wear it tomorrow.” I guess that’s weird but I just look for any excuse to avoid laundry.
SAME HERE. It’s a perfectly harmless, purposeful activity but I feel like it sucks my life force dry.
Northern California, actually, but we have some pervasive mold issues around here–they made it sound like if I saw evidence of mold and didn’t report it I could be held in violation of my lease and forced to move somewhere WITHOUT mold. Kitchen sponges get horribly smelly if I don’t dry them on the stove’s pilot light, so it’s a Thing here.
Yeah, dehumidifier, like poppy says. It doesn’t even really need to be in the same room as your laundry.
I have a teeny-tiny one because breathing while living in a trailer covered everything in condensation which was so gross I wanted to sleep outside in the snow, and it really helped with closet mustiness. It’s plugged in now & I’ll see if it helps with actual wet clothes.
This is the best drying rack: http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/402448…
The wooden accordion ones collapse constantly.
+1 to the Frost. We don’t have a dryer, so it’s almost always full of stuff. If you do have spans of time in between loads, it folds really really nicely. It’s a really great drying rack!
Wow, it’s amazing. I’m a little sad that I can’t order online since IKEA is a zillion miles from me, but I have a metal rack that might enjoy having some expansion work done on it…
A small fan does wonders for speeding drying time, no matter your drying rack configuration. Doesn’t have to be on high, either- just getting the air moving helps a bunch.
Washing- I do all my bras in a big plastic bussing tub I got at a restaurant supply warehouse and it works great. I drip dry over a broom handle propped on the tub.
Drying- I have a two level over the door rack for light things, a standing rack for heavy things, and a clothesline we string down the hallway for when we wash couch covers and larger things. If you’ll need to air dry sheets, an indoor or outdoor clothesline option is your friend.
As a semi last resort, ironing does a lovely job of drying and softening things.
So helpful! Thank you all! Especially glad that I have some of the things here, and the ones I’d like to try don’t create If You Give A Mouse A Cookie issues of needing to buy 20 other things to help it work, especially since there’s no place to put them. You are all so smart.
airing rack + strategically placed dehumidifier = clothes that dry overnight, as if by magic
I don’t put any clothes in the dryer ever – only sheets and towels, and only sheets because I haven’t room to hang them. I hang shirts on molded hangers so the front and back don’t stick together and they dry faster; everything else I clip and drape on a rack. My bathroom has a window which helps, but it sounds like a fan or dehumidifier is all you need. I worry more in rainy weather that my clothes won’t dry and *they’ll* get fusty, rather than the walls, but it’s just a question of making sure all that water goes somewhere.
In northern Europe I saw a lot of drying cupboards which are like little warm closets, which I would love to have! But have never seen one here, sadly.
I am happy to see you here. I’ve been thinking about the challenges you are facing and have been adjacent to such challenge if not precisely there and… well. It is not easy and I am sending you good thoughts and am admiring your fortitude. Keep going. I am so happy The Toast exists for such things as good will and stealth washing tips!!
Oh, thank you, this was so nice to see in my in-box while trying to psych myself up for a writing test! I knew this was a good place to ask not just because duh, TheToast, but I recall a similar thread from ages ago and some of the artistry with tubs and buckets and fancy clotheslinery people got up to was just amazing. Supposed to be 72 degrees on Monday before turning back into winter again, so I’m washing then and confident things will dry au naturel.
I don’t know if you can get this sort of thing in N Cal but I have one and its super cheap to run and acts a bit like a heater too. Pro tip is to hang a sheet over the whole thing to hot house it http://www.lakeland.co.uk/21736/Dry%3ASoon-3-Tier…
Oh my God, how do we not have these here?! Maybe I need to become an importer. *rushes off to try and relearn the metric system* Is this device the reason the expression ‘double-cool with knobs on’ was coined? Because that thing is pretty freaking cool.
My favorite fierce workout shirt is a red “CRUSH ALL HU-MANS!” shirt from Diesel Sweeties.
I have a “Hulk Mode Activate” shirt that I wore when getting a pic with Lou Ferrigno at Comicpalooza in Houston a few years ago. I was so nervous I forgot to smile 🙁
Canadian Toasties, my husband and I are driving up to Prince Edward County for 3-4 days in August. Where should we go? What should we do? Restaurant/food suggestions for vegetarians are also welcome, although we’re planning to do the eat-your-weight-in-freshly-picked-blueberries diet.
I LIVE RIGHT NEAR THERE. Give me a minute I have 1 million suggestions
August is a beautiful time. If you’re into wine definitely do a winery tour or two, there are a ton of really great wineries. Definitely visit Sandbanks, which is a beautiful park right on Lake ontario with an outstanding beach and awesome swimming that should be perfect in August. There is a ridiculously good ice cream place called Slickers you must visit, it is to die for. Unfortunately since I live here I have no help for where to stay, though? There are several lovely little local places on the island, but I am not a veggie myself so I have no idea what the vegetarian selection is like. There’s a great place to look for migrating birds and a ferry to the mainland that’s fun and a bit interesting? If you’re into history at all the Loyalist Parkway is pretty cool,and there’s like 1 million art studios all over the place
I spend a week in PEC every September, and I love it. If you want to stay somewhere hip and fancy-ish, check out the Drake Devonshire Hotel. Otherwise, i’d recommend renting a cottage on the water. Definitely get the Lemon Chiffon ice cream at Slickers. Eat ALL the cheese at Fifth Town. Drink wine and eat flatbread pizza on the patio at Norman Hardie winery. And definitely go to the beach at Sandbanks!
ALSO GOOD AT SLICKERS: Campfire ice cream (with chunks of toasted marshmallow and graham cracker swirled in), Chocolate Orange (flavour of a chocolate orange with little tiny chocolate chips in it), Coconut Cream if they have it.
I am so thrilled other people know about PEC!!!! My parents have stayed at the Waring House, and they loved it and loved the restaurants there too.
Oh god, I forgot about that campfire ice cream. You’re right – it’s amazing. They also have an apple pie ice cream that has LITERAL APPLE PIES in it – several per batch. That place is unbelievable!
Do you knit? There is a great little yarn shop, amd also I have friends with am amazing sheep farm and Wool Shed Shop on Amherst Island (that woukd involve the Glenora and Amherst ferries.)
Having a galentines party tonight! It’s 90s girl power themed, because, why not. We’re eating breakfast foods, drinking vodka and screaming to whatever shows up on itunes. I bought some Lisa Frank looking baloons. AND I found my old (1990s) Polaroid camera and bought some film.
YAY!
I really love all you Toasties. You guys are the best part of the internet. Hope your Valentine’s is filled with all the love – partner, spouse, parents, friends, siblings, Toasties and all.
On the girl power theme, and on the off-chance you happen to be in the UK…the Spice Girls Movie is now on Netflix. Happy Galentines!
Not in UK, but OMG I’ve got to check and see if its available in the US! Thank you!
i am also celebrating galentines tonight! i should probably buy some balloons…
Yay! Hope you have a great time! I’m so glad we all cherish our gal pals like our patron saint Leslie Knope would want us to.
This sounds like the greatest party.
I’m so pumped. Its the second year I’m doing it. My mom and sister both threw parties this year too! Highly recommend hosting one.
I’m having a galentine’s day party tomorrow, and am v. stoked! Your 90s-themed one sounds great, and I may steal the idea for next year – hope it’s a blast.
Any galentine’s party is the best kind of party! Have fun tomorrow! xox
YOU GUYS!
It’s early to get excited still, but this might be happening: http://www.pajiba.com/trade_news/ava-duvernay-has…
Ava DuVernay is being recruited to direct a Wrinkle in Time movie!!
Oh my gosh, best possible choice!!
They have my attention.
Although good fucking luck trying to film A Wind In The Door if WiT is succesful.
oh my god.
ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod.
*high pitched squealing*
*mild hyperventilating*
*knuckle biting*
oh.
my.
god.
AAAAAAAAAA this made my week.
My heart may explode with joy!
Everything I have seen people saying about Wolf Hall here and there stopped vaguely agitating me and resolved all at once into relief and understanding when I bought a copy and found out that it is about THOMAS Cromwell and not Oliver. I really thought the whole world had lost its bearings for a couple of years there but everything is ok
and this is obviously not my period, but man I sure hope Cardinal Wolsey isn’t a history monster because so far he is a perfect portrait of me
(this part I mean: “When he once, as a test, explained to the cardinal just a minor point of the land law concerning — well, never mind, it was a minor point — he saw the cardinal break into a sweat and say, Thomas, what can I give you, to persuade you never to mention this to me again? Find a way, just do it, he would say when obstacles were raised; and when he heard of some small person obstructing his grand design, he would say, Thomas, give them some money to make them go away.“
Oh It’s so very good and yes, not THAT Cromwell. The BBC adaptation is also well done and BEAUTIFUL and on Amazon Prime if you have that.
Yes, yes, the book is amazing and the BBC show is amazing!
The BBC version is awesome except I couldn’t stop looking at the tiny details they got wrong in the costumes and sets. It’s like, they went 95% of the way to totally accurate and beautiful work, and then said “ehh, fuck it, they won’t notice the difference. 18th century boots look cooler than 16th century shoes anyway. Let’s get a few pieces of William and Mary furniture here too, to fill out the space in this room… it looks old-timey.”
/pedantic. Totally minor quibble… you really have to stretch to find fault with it overall.
I just started the BBC mini and Mark Rylance’s sad face is amazing.
Amazing. But he looks a whole lot closer to Thomas Moore than to Cromwell.
I would definitely read a book about Oliver Cromwell, though.
I think history has vindicated Wolsey. He was from humble beginnings and was by all accounts an intelligent, good humoured man, that had to walk a knife edge like everyone around Henry. He was an astute negotiator and had a great logistical mind. Apparently Henry came to regret hounding Wolsey to death, just as he regretted Cromwell’s execution almost immediately. He surrounded himself with extremely talented administrators who performed impossible deeds for him, and the first failure, he threw a tantrum. Henry was THE WORST.
My mother was recently (3 weeks ago?) diagnosed with breast cancer and while it’s early and her doctors have her survival rate and odds pretty high, I’m still just like…very perplexed? By this news? Like..no…I’m sure you mean..someone else’s mother. Because mine is F I N E thank you very much. I feel like I’m policing my own response to this which is annoying but I also can’t stop doing it?
IN LIGHT OF THIS. Favorite comfort meal? I’m planning a weekend of getting my life back in order and with Boston having such extreme cold this weekend we’re not supposed to go outside (????) I could do with some rich indulgent food and books, I think.
One of the best hugs in history, to be sure. TY TY <3
I would recommend making an apple and cherry chrisp with extra butter. It will warm your soul and your home.
OHO yes, I was thinking of something along the baking line of things? Crisps are good. Very good.
It’s not really a main dish so much as a super indulgent side dish, but I adore this cheesy bready delightfulness.
All the good thoughts to you and your mom and her doctors.
UMMMMMM That looks outrageous! And like something I must have.
That sucks. My mum had breast cancer when I was younger, and even when its likely that everything will be okay, its still weird and a bit scary. (ETA: she is now fine and has been for years, if that is at all hope-giving)
I just left work early with a horrible cold/flu and found out my best friend is moving to Hong Kong, so I am planning to make myself something cheesy and watch Jessica Jones all evening in bed. Maybe macaroni cheese. Maybe cauliflower cheese. Cheese is required.
Mac and Cheese in my go-to, but I’ve kind of overdone myself on it. My roommates see me boiling water and are like “Oof, hard day?”
It is hope giving! And her prognosis is good, but she does have to do a few rounds of chemo which is scary. TV & Books & Food & Wine is my weekend plan FOR SURE.
All the best to your mom, even with a good prognosis it’s got to be stressful and scary. Favourite comfort meal? Roast chicken with mashed potatoes slathered in butter.
You know I have NEVER made a roast chicken for my own adultish self? This could be the time!
Ooh, that is a good one. It is really easy! And then you have a chicken!
For me, sometimes the most comforting food is the kind that takes no effort, so depending on if I’m feeling fancy or not, corn chips and queso from the drug store, or a nice cheese/olive/meat kind of plate.
I was the same way for years until I found out how easy it is. You will feel so pleased with yourself and also warm and fed!
Put some brie or camembert or other soft cheese into the mashed potatoes for extra comfort!
If you have to have breast cancer, Boston is one of the better places to have it. There are a lot of good treatment options. They will take good care of your mom.
(A lot of breast cancer now, while still life-altering, is kind of a “you’re going to have a shitty year that will change you” experience, and not a “this is it, say goodbye” kind of thing. No guarantees, obviously. But if the doctors say her prognosis is good, you can believe them.)
(Also – is policing your response a way you keep yourself together and protect your mom? If so – find a safe place to break down, but also, that is okay.)
My good indulgent comfort meal these days is this: http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2006/oct/…
But I have a list of restaurants that make good things. I wish I remembered the name of the place in the North End that brought me and my ex the perfect tiramisu, but all I vaguely remember is “the right-hand side of Hanover Street,” which is not helpful even if correct. Still, you could go worse than go to the North End and order yourself a plate of spaghetti.
While I am in Boston, my parents are in New York, but I think they still have good confidence with the doctors in question.
Man I haven’t been to the North End FOREVER- maybe when temperatures are normal I will cross the river for some pasta.
Macaroni and cheese, done with rotini and baked so it’s got more body to it.
Alternately, baking a giant batch of banana bread, pumpkin bread, or really any bread and going through half a loaf instead of normal human meals.
OOOOHOooooOOOoooOOOOOoo banana bread! That is… brilliant and something I haven’t had in forever.
Oofta. I’m so very sorry.
This pound cake http://bit.ly/1TgqASC is just really simple and good, and you can easily eat a whole one in a long weekend if you believe in yourself.
I believe in myself…just enough to eat the hell outta this pound cake.
If you can get lap cheong, this is a delightful and very easy to make side dish for your comfort meal:
http://steamykitchen.com/40257-roasted-brussels-s…
Oh man I haven’t had lap cheong in FOREVER. I’m sure I could scout some out.
(P.S. They sell it at H-Mart in Central Square)
Aw. I’m so sorry. Hope you get all the space you need for comfort this weekend.
My mom had breast cancer a few years back and it was very much a time of complicated feelings and feelings self-policing. I was always either too upset (stop complaining! Her prognosis is good) or too nonchalant (you monster, your MOTHER has CANCER). Anyway, everything worked out for her and I’m hoping the same for your mom! Do your thing, modern medicine!
One of my favorite comfort foods is actually a recipe I got from a Kraft Deluxe box. Macaroni lasagna, breakfast of champions. You make a box of Kraft Deluxe sharp cheddar mac & cheese, brown a pound of ground beef, mix about half a jar of tomato sauce into the beef, layer the beef mixture and the mac & cheese mixture in a square baking dish, cover with a layer of mozzarella, and bake at 375 for 25 minutes. Full of protein and carbs and tasty, tasty fat. I always make it for friends with new babies and they rave about it.
That sounds SO GOOD. Also like I’m probably gonna need to lie down RIGHT after eating it. As food should.
I’m so sorry to hear that, and I completely understand your response – my mom shared some health news with me a few months ago (not cancer, but she has macular degeneration and is almost guaranteed to go blind within a few years), and I am actually impressed with how my mind has put up a huge opaque wall and just absolutely refused to deal with it. I am normally a very anxious person who over-researches, etc., but I quietly and efficiently made a little box in my brain labeled “Mom’s eye problems,” slid it into a corner and haven’t really looked at it since. I’m sure I will, eventually… but I’m apparently just not ready yet.
It’s also how I deal with like….any and all feelings? I really thought this would be a thing to cause a break through in my emotional non engagement buuuut. I guess not?
Sigh. We’ll get there!
Hopefully your moms eyes stay fine for a good long while. My mom got diagnosed with that fifteen years ago and it really hasn’t been a rapid deterioration in her case. Hugs to you.
I’m sorry. Will be thinking about you and your mom.
Comfort food: After 18 years of vegetarianism, I’m cooking meat again, and the pot roast I made the other week was the taste of my childhood. (My mom uses brisket, but it’s basically the same.) And with the slow cooker it was basically no work.
Mmmm pot roast. Yes yes that is ideal comfort food.
Good thoughts to you, your mom, and her doctors! <3
One of my go-to comfort foods is clafoutis, both sweet and savory. It’s ridiculously simple to make, you can throw just about anything in and it’ll taste fantastic, and looks ridiculous but tastes divine.
My favorite savory recipe: http://www.kayotic.nl/blog/cherry-tomato-olive-cl… (I have swapped out the tomatoes for mushrooms/the cheddar for blue cheese on many occasions and never regretted it for a moment)
And sweet: http://awaytogarden.com/clafoutis-batter-universa… (if you can get your hands on plums and blackberries, use them and enjoy a taste of summer in the middle of winter)
Hnnnggg all of this looks so good! Clafoutis is comfort food FOR SURE.
Big hugs!! My mom is a breast cancer survivor who caught it early, and for me the months when she was getting treated were definitely a weird mix of freaking out (and annoying my incredibly pragmatic mom who just wanted to like, sleep and watch HGTV) and worrying that I wasn’t freaking out ENOUGH and that this meant I was callous and uncaring. No reaction is wrong! Be gentle with yourself and your mom- if your family dynamic is anything like mine it will be an adjustment for her to have to go from the person that everybody relies on to the person that needs help. But it will all be ok! My mom is back to Peak Mom Form 5 years later and is doing fab.
I wish you and your mom all the luck in the world. It sounds like the docs have everything else on lockdown, so you guys can do it!
I have a lot of comfort foods, because I love that sticks-to-your-ribs kind of eating. Most of these recipes make a lot of food, but I’m a big believer in stocking the freezer.
Chicken/turkey pot pie: http://onehungrymama.com/2012/11/easy-leftover-tu…
Pretzel buns: http://www.yammiesnoshery.com/2012/05/pretzel-bun…
Cottage pie: http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/775643/cottage…
Buttermilk biscuits: http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2013/03/my-favorit…
Dhal with coconut milk: http://www.runningonrealfood.com/coconut-red-lent…
Chicago cocoa chili: http://www.food.com/recipe/eds-chicago-cocoa-chil…
Chicken katsu curry: http://allrecipes.co.uk/recipe/29578/chicken-kats…
To quote one of my good friends “nachos and wine make the world go round.”
My boyfriends mother just finished her treatment for breast cancer, and she’s doing well. Moms being sick feels so…against the rules of the universe.
If you need comfort in the form of cream, make chard gratin. I usually make it in a shallow, personal sized corningware dish. Mix whole grain dijon mustard, cream, a little garlic & salt and pepper with lightly wilted chard. Top with breadcrumbs and some parm. Bake until its golden brown and bubbly, then devour with good bread and red wine.
Dog / training thread?
My newly adopted pittie is having some health and behavior issues – lots of licking and scratching, accidents, too-excited behavior around other dogs, and most recently, humping people (including me and husband). 🙁 We’re working on getting this all addressed, and fortunately, I just discovered an amazing organization in my area that provides free training classes to pit bulls! But I’ve never had a dog before, so I’m a little worried and stressed out about our new baby. I want her to be happy and well! Any insights from fellow dog / pit bull owners/lovers?
New pics in the comments to warm your hearts.
(That weird face was a line camera addition to block my nekkidness for the gram)
What a cutie! Congratulations on your new addition. A training class is an awesome idea (and that organization sounds so cool!) and I would also suggest a vet visit. If you’ve already been for vaccinations and routine stuff you may have ruled out skin parasites like fleas, but many pitties have allergies and the licking/scratching stuff should be looked into medically before deciding that it could be behavioral. Mites can also cause significant itchiness and are pretty tough to diagnose. Does she seem itchy in any specific areas, or does it appear to be an all over issue? How itchy is she–is it keeping her from sleeping or distracting her from play/eating? Keep track of the distribution and intensity and let your vet know to help them narrow down possible causes. Behavior-wise: ugh. Behavior stuff can be so tough to deal with, but getting a jump on it now so that you guys learn good skills for dealing with her issues is the best scenario. It sounds like she’s maybe just a little too exuberant at this point/doesn’t necessarily have great play skills and, as long as she’s safe, a group class can be a nice way to work on this.
Thank you for this! We are taking her to the vet as soon as we can because I did read that medical issues may be the source. She mainly licks her paws and her gentials. I don’t think anything on earth could distract her from eating but it does sometimes interrupt play and makes it hard for her to settle down to sleep. She’s also taken up scratching one of her eyes and it’s gotten red on the skin around that eye really quickly. I’m gonna read up on the mites for sure.
Sure thing! I am in the vet field (and have a dog with some significant behavioral challenges), so I tend to have lots of thoughts on the subject 🙂 Itchy paws is a pretty classic allergy thing, although you could have a few things going on at once, especially since she’s new and from a shelter (genital licking could be fleas, but also a million other things, including normal!). Let us know how it works out!
My sister’s lhasa apso has an allergy to grass and his wee pawsies are ALWAYS itchy for a while after he comes back inside, poor little guy. Have you noticed if it happens at any particular time of day?
What a sweetheart!
Working with a trainer is an excellent move, because so much of helping dogs deal with stuff is to do with body language and timing.
A nice complement to ‘enough exercise’ is ‘learning to chill out’.
There are a few variations of Karen Overall’s Relaxation Protocol on the Internet, and you will be able to find one by Googling. It’s a step by tiny step breakdown over many days of teaching your dog how to relax and stay relaxed in the face of increasing stimuli and distractions.
The one I have is in German, but I could translate it and email it if you like (although it was modified to fit little German apartments because the original protocol was written for giant American houses). I got it from an amazing vet who specialises in animal behaviour therapy and she swore that, with some of her ‘patients’, the protocol would work so well that they would end up falling asleep on command!
This never happened with my dog, but I have heard that pibbles are one of the most eager to please breeds, so maybe it will work for you.
Depending on how much experience of dogs you have… I found “On Talking Terms With Dogs” by Turid Rugaas to be super helpful for
a) learning to spot the very early signs of stress in my dog so I could act before she escalated to barking and lunging,
b) learning to tell when an approaching dog was friendly,
c) learning to chill out an approaching dog who was not friendly.
The last two are especially useful if your pibble has to be on a leash in an area with a lot of off-leash dogs.
She’s a sweetie and you care about her and those are the most important things.
Wow, thank you! I’d actually love to take you up on that email offer, if it’s not too much trouble! Our house is pretty small by American standards, so it sounds actually right up our alley. peripatetic (dot) poetic (at) gmail is where to find me 🙂
No worries – I have written down your email address and will translate and send it to you tomorrow.
LOOKIT THE ADORABULL WIDDLE PIBBLE
Okay, I literally have nothing else to add, but pitties are my favourite and you got an extra cute one.
What a beautie! With our first dog, we read that getting her a TON of exercise on a schedule would help her be calm, especially during the first two years. We were taking her for two-three runs a day. If that’s an option for you, it might help her to burn off some of that extra excitement! Hopefully the training class will also help with her interactions with other dogs, as she learns to look to you before diving in.
Thank you! We take her out for long walks twice a day, but I’m thinking of adding a short one mid-day too.
A lot of people try adding coconut oil to an itchy dog’s food. Doesn’t help all of them, but is unlikely to do harm. Perhaps worth a try.
And congratulations on adopting a pittie. They are the best, and so misunderstood.
What a cutie! How old is she? My pit mix has allergies (regular hayfever and a food allergy to, we think, wheat) and putting him on limited-ingredient food has been really helpful with the licking and scratching, and also for his digestion. It’s also safe to give dogs Zyrtec for allergies (though it’s not as effective for them as it is for humans ,and I’d check with your vet first).
Also, here for sympathy about the stress of your first dog! We got our little guy a year ago, as a puppy, and I found it enormously stressful and difficult at first and then felt really bad about how difficult I was finding it and how unhappy it was making me (kind of like parenting, or so I’m told). It gets better quickly, though!
Thank you! She’s 2 and a half. I’ll definitely check with the vet on the allergies when we take her – seasonal allergies are a really big deal in my area, for humans and animals. I hear it’s tough to diagnose though?
And thank you so much for the sympathy. I think husband and I have been feeling pretty overwhelmed, so it’s really, really nice to hear that others experience it, too. Looking forward to the getting better. 🙂
I just wanted to say that I know people for whom getting a prescription for some kind of anti-anxiety medication has been very, very successful for their pittie mix.
Interesting! Hadn’t thought about that. Thank you. Do you happen to know what the symptoms were?
I don’t live close enough to them to be able to give you a good idea of the day-to-day stuff, but she was very easily frightened, and prone to “freak outs”. The two things that have helped her the most were the doggie-Prozac (I don’t actually know what she’s on) and getting a golden retriever little brother. The difference between the last time I saw her and the most recent one was astonishing. I was actually able to cuddle with her on the couch for a half an hour!
We had to put my eldest cat on antidepressants when she was much younger and we had a pretty stressful living situation (think college apartment with loud, LOUD neighbors). Similar to wailrathem, she would totally freak out at random times, was very easily frightened (these were all new behaviors too since we got the new neighbors), and started fighting with the other cat. We had her on a kitty-sized dose of amitriptyline, which worked great for a school year until we could move out.
First thing – if you are feeling a bit overwhelmed/”oh no, what have I done”, that’s normal and it’ll get better. I sent partner to bed early with some bourbon in his tea the second night we had the dog. We covered the couch in tin foil. I doubted we would ever be able to just relax without fearing injury to ourselves*/our furniture ever again. It’s been six months now, and I enjoy owning a dog like 90% of the time now.
*He’s not vicious or anything, just a rambunctious young dog with little clue as to his size.
Licking/chewing paws is a classic allergy sign. Someone told me that most dog allergies are to proteins – if you go, your vet will probably have you put her on a limited diet with a novel protein (since you adopted her, probably something she’s really unlikely to have encountered, like kangaroo). With my dog, I just suspected a chicken allergy, so I bought some fish-based food with no chicken in it, and the itching/chewing/licking was way down within a day or two. Turkey provoked the same reaction. We’ve had a couple of slip ups along the way (the beef flavored Nylabone contains chicken powder?!), but he’s doing much better. We give him fish oil, as well (just some of the Costco ones), which has really helped his coat.
Training – our trainer used clickers, and it worked well for our dog. She was also a seriously new age-y buddhist kind of person, which was helpful because dog is seriously leash reactive and also very excitable, but she never made me feel embarrassed or ashamed that he was barking. at. everything. What helped most with that was the “Look!” command, btw. Instructions here: http://bit.ly/1TXduZZ.
We were having issues with our dog going in the house. I assumed it was marking, but it then occurred to me that maybe he didn’t know how to ask to go out. I hung a bell around the door and made him touch it with his nose before I took him out to pee a couple of times, and after he got the hang of that, accidents stopped. Though he did generalize the bell into all purpose “I want something” system, but I guess it’s nice that he alerts me when his water is out?
This is getting really long, but one final thing that surprised me – I’m not sure how new your new dog is, but the personality she has now might change a bit as she settles in. Our dog had no interest in playing with us for the first four or five months, for example. He’d play by himself, and he loved being pet/sitting with us, but if I tried to get him to fetch, he’d just look at me like, “If you wanted it, why did you throw it away?” Tug was the same. But he loves playing with us now.
Congrats on your adorable girl!
Thank you for this! The bell thing is interesting, we actually happen to have a bell hanging on the door already. How did you entice him to bump it at first, luring with a treat?
I tried the bell with my pit mix, and it failed spectacularly. HOWEVER, she learned that when she scratched her neck, which jangled her collar, we would wake up in the middle of the night and let her out. So now when she wants something (to go out or her dinner), she scratches her neck. Dog logic.
My pup has a lot of fear-based issues, namely territorial aggression. We tried Prozac and it just made her weird in a different way. A training class is an excellent place to start–it will mostly train you how to be a good dog owner. The upside is that it also puts you and your co-owner on the same page, instead of you both arguing about best dog practices half-remembered from childhood mixed with bullshit your mom just made up to get you and the dog out of her way.
My dog’s behavior changed a lot at 3 mo of adoption (less fearful, yay!) and then again at about a year (super territorial, boo!), so bear in mind that whatever problems you’re having might go away, and be replaced with other ish.
Google is your friend. Read a few articles on each issue to make sure the first one on the list isn’t a crazy person–you’ll be able to tell after reading a few posts that there’s some kind of basic consensus which will help evaluate something wacky (most dog trainers seem to hate Cesar Milan, so maybe take his stuff with a grain of salt, esp if it conflicts with what other trainers are saying).
DOGS! The first 6 weeks is hell, but then it starts being a lot more fun.
We don’t have a bell, but my smarter dog has definitely adopted going to the door and leaning against it as a general purpose “I want something!” communication.
I live in an apartment and my dog has never really learned how to bark properly (she is a border collie/lab mix) so for a long time she didn’t have a way of alerting me she wanted to go outside and so we just had a really strict schedule! But then she learned by accident to press a button (kind of like the Staples Easy Button, I guess) that has a picture of C3P0 on it and plays a recording of his voice if you press it.
My dog uses it to tell me she wants to go out, or she’s out of water, or she doesn’t feel like anyone is giving her the attention she deserves, so I will often be elsewhere in the apartment and will hear “I have a bad feeling about this” or “we’re doomed” unexpectedly in C3P0’s voice.
Don’t worry!
A vet will help you figure out any medical issues, and the training classes will help you and her be more confident together. Her behavior issues sound very much within the range of normal. When I adopted my dog, I spent the first solid week convinced that I had made a horrible mistake, and that I’d never be able to handle him. Now he’s a 3-year-old prince of a dog, and my very best friend.
Your girl may just need some stability and guidance to learn to settle down and communicate with you. You got this!
Thank you so much! All the encouragement alone has helped me feel so much better. I really appreciate it!
Hello beautiful puppy! From my own experience adopting an adult dog:
1. Itching. Could very well be a sign of allergies if she’s linking/gnawing her toes. Also, my SIL who has fostered a few dozen rescues (including my own lovey) claims that white dogs are itchier in general than dogs with darker coats. She thinks there’s something in the lack of pigment that makes them more sensitive. I can somewhat back this up as my pups is a fatal white aussie (not actually a fatal disease, thanks terrible name) and has to use the super soothing anti itch shampoo for her itchies.
2. Behavior. As she gets more comfortable personalities do come out so this is not an unusual thing. Training is A+ so I’m glad you’re doing that with her. Do you go outside with her and give lots of praise when she piddles in the yard? I’d keep doing.that over the next few weeks just so she knows peeing in the yard is good. Clean up any in the house with those oxy cleaners to remove the markers and of course, a loud firm “no” if you catch her in the act of peeing in the house. You also might want to consider crating her when you’re not home if she’s peeing when you’re not there. Or keeping her in the same room with you so she can’t sneak off and pee in the other room & you can immediately correct if she does it in front of you. You may also have to control her access to water (pick up & put down the water bowl at given intervals). If none of that fixes it, she may have a low grade bladder infection or something preventing her from holding it in very long.
We have a 9-month old doodle and while the puppy was my idea, and I don’t regret it for a minute, I do sometimes wonder why I let this fluffy ball of trouble into our home. Case in point, he is currently chewing on the windowsill (WTF?) even though I sprayed it liberally with bitter apple spray.
My advice:
a) Don’t be discouraged!
b) Give your dog a name you cannot say in anger (our is named Waffles). This makes it impossible to yell at your dog, which you are not supposed to do since they don’t understand yelling anyway.
c) Obedience classes are as much fun for you as they are for the dog.
If you want to go down the rabbit hole of dog training blogs, start with http://www.patriciamcconnell.com/theotherendofthe…
She is wonderful and the site has an excellent comment section (much like the Toast!).
I also liked Patrica McConnell’s Puppy Primer, and I see on her site she has another book called Love Has No Age Limit: Welcoming an Adopted Dog Into Your Home.
Good luck!
Yesterday, I found out I did NOT get the job that cost me $500 to get to DC and interview for. Back to square one. Trying to look on the bright side and remind myself that this is only temporary.
I just have to say…I’ve been working FT as a temp since mid-October. The fact that I have no health insurance is nonsense garbage and makes me very upset. I’m grateful that I currently have enough to make ends meet, but I’m terrified that a slip and fall on the ice could set me back financially for years. The flu is going around the office, and I have no PTO for sick days, and no health insurance to see the doctor, even if I need to. It really shouldn’t be like this.
/end rant.
Augh, no. It should not be like that. Really hope something pans out for you soon.
You deserve better. I’m sorry about the DC job. Please assure me you’re going to claim every one of those 500 dollars as tax deductions.
I don’t think I can?? $400 of it was just lost income from missing work for 4 days. $100 was for an Amtrak ticket back.
I feel like there really should be a way to bill someone for the amount of time you put into individual resumes and cover letters, preparing for phone interviews, preparing for actual interviews, the travel time, the interview time, the worrying time….
You should be able to deduct the $100 from your taxes, because it’s a job expenses (whether or not you actually got the job makes no difference), but that’s not much help. I know how much time goes into job-application prep, and I wish there was some way to get reimbursed for that. In lieu of reimbursement, I hope you get a great job quickly!
Yes, the $100 ticket is deductible. Also deductible are every meal you paid for and the hotel bill you paid. Don’t forget to claim the mileage to and from the train station.
And yes, there should be a way to make interview prep fully billable to the hiring manager.
Solidarity hugs! I’ve been temping for nearly two years now (same place the whole time) and it suuuuuuucks. 2016 is going to be our year, though – I can feel it.
That’s completely wrong and I’m sorry. I hope you manage to get another job soon.
Ask the company to reimburse your train ticket? I did that once when interviewing in Edinburgh, and got my train to/from London reimbursed despite not getting the job. Can’t hurt to ask!
I found that legal temping paid better (if you are not doing something specialized already or have don’t something relevant to your field), though it has changed somewhat with the rise of ediscovery. Wishing you opportunity.
I’m really sorry if this is pushy or inappropriate, in which case please ignore, but I am kind of an evangelist about this… with Obamacare I now have a good individual health insurance policy (albeit $1000 deductible, but free preventive care and very little in the way of copays or coinsurance) for under $40 a month (last year it was $48 and it went down!).
Before, I had a BC/BS plan that went from something like $80 to $210 a month in like five years, and didn’t cover mental health. This year I was able to get crucial mental health treatment, like I don’t know what I would have done without it. Anyway sorry to butt in and I apologize for my presumption here ugh, but maybe this will be helpful for somebody.
Doesn’t help your immediate situation, sorry to hear about what you have to deal with right now! Hope things turn around soon.
I’M STARTING A BAND, please see attached
Send inquiries to dangerflakes at hotmail
That sounds beautiful! Show us the rest of your band. Also, I’m still owing you an e-mail… -.- I’m a bad correspondent.
it’s just me so far =/
What bandmates are you looking for? Bass, drums? Not that I can help, I’m as musically talented as a rock.
How exciting! I think I mentioned in a different OT that I dream of a queer lady One Direction cover band (name: Fun Direction), so I am 100% in favor of women covering boy band songs and I look forward to hearing more of your songs. Wishing you all the best!
Ooh wow, was not expecting this to happen, but the earlier Lent thread has got me all fucked up about food/exercise/body guilt, which is a fun feeling. But I don’t want to focus on anxieties, so… want to do a Little Things thread? Tell me about the little things that are making your life better in little or big ways, keeping you afloat through the winter and making you smile.
Here are mine:
1) I sent out my Valentine’s cards (cute little art postcards and keychains) to the women I’ve been friends with since middle school. I’ve been sending them Valentine’s since we all left for colleges in different states.
2) It’s going to be below 0 this weekend, and I don’t have to go anywhere, which means sleeping late and snuggling in bed.
3) Richard Ayoade and Noel Fielding’s episode of Travel Man in Copenhagen
How about you?
Hope your Lent-related feelings pass! Will definitely look up that episode.
Some little things:
Rallied for two grocery stores and a day of cooking to host a few new friends for dinner last night. The main dish DOUBLED IN SIZE in the oven (alarming), but it tasted all right. Trying to be less of a perfectionist about that sort of thing. It was lovely to have company.
Someone sent grapefruits to the office and I’ve been making spicy grapefruit margaritas all week. Highly recommended.
Taking the old dog for long walks five times a day. She always drinks from the stream in the woods, and it’s seven degrees right now. I’m very charmed by the way she licks the snow on top of the ice for a while and paws at the river like it might come through. Also glad she hasn’t fallen in!
Have a great weekend.
That margarita sounds amazing. I’m with the blog author on orange liqueur. I also bet it would taste amazing with mexcal, because smoky + spicy + bitter is a great combo.
Also yay for old dogs, please give her a vigorous ear scratch from me.
Mr. Thuja was gone on a work trip earlier this week, so I did some long guided meditations as I was going to bed for 4 nights in a row. It was lovely and calming and as much as I’m happy to have him back, I’m going to miss falling asleep to calm voices guiding me through a body scan.
I finally let my partner convince me to watch Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries with her, and it’s like a little hot toddy of fun each time we spend an evening doing that.
1. I got an envelope punch board so I can make my own envelopes! It turns out to be really easy and super fun, and now I can send envelopes to all my instagram penpals.
2. I am just now making myself coffee, and since I was out at a cafe that roasts their own last week I picked up a bag and it is SO GOOD. Much better than Trader Joe’s!
3. The Sixtyone continues to fill me with random joy, sometimes because the music is so good, at other times because it is just so wildly bizarre.
Have you listened to Mojo the Cat? Every song of theirs makes me smile in it’s ridiculousness.
Mojo the Cat is gloriously ridiculous!
Instagram penpals sound delightful? Do you send each other photos, or did you just find each other through IG?
It’s amazing what a difference good coffee beans makes, I convinced my SO to splurge on Starbucks Reserve coffee (it’s in a smaller bag and he never gets through a whole pound before it goes bad) and hooooooo that stuff is smooth and delicious.
IG penpals is a combination — we exchange actual physical letters, but there’s a community of it which uses the same tags, so people post pictures of what they’re sending out (#outgoingmail) and what they’re receiving (#incomingmail) and often tag the people they are sending from/to so people know when things are on their way and received — and some of the people involved are really into the mail art aspects of it, so there are lots of neat pictures of hand-collaged envelopes and such. Plus people swap stationery/cards/stickers/etc which is really fun. It is pretty easy to find penpals with the #penpalswanted tag, but a lot of them are under 18 which we avoid out just out of general principle.
If you or any other toasties would be interested in penpalling, we are game! I bought a *ridiculous* amount of stationery at Daiso a month ago. 🙂
Firstly, what a lovely thread! Okay, what’s keeping me through winter are my animals (whatever crappy feelings are feeling, still gotta walk that dog and keep that horse paddock clean; even in the most terrible of moods, I can smile through these workouts) and staying focused on my artwork. Man, I miss my student days at ECIAD but maybe since 20 YEARS OR SO AGO have passed, time to buckle zee down, non?
Love your Valentine idea AND your number three…I’ll be checking that out today (do you know if I can view it in Canada via Netflix?)!
I watched it on YouTube, but I’m in the US so I can’t speak to whether it is regionally available or not, unfortunately! I hope you can find it, it’s 40 minutes of pure delight.
1) the hot drink I made from sliced citrus, honey, and grated ginger which is making my head cold feel less terrible
2) my husband and I have been getting up a little early and drinking coffee first thing, so we have that time together and don’t have to wait for the caffeine kick until we get to uni, which is how we used to do it, and it is doing WONDERS for our energy levels
3) I have an indigo blue streak in my hair – I love dyeing it bright colours when it’s so grey and dreary outside
Please mail one of those hot drinks to my lab at work, thank you very much, it sounds like it would do wonders for my week’s-end foggy headache.
1. It’s supposed to snow on Sunday and I don’t have to work on Monday, so I’m planning on snuggling up with a stack of books and a cup of hot chocolate and laughing at the outside
2. There is hypoallergenic scent-free soap in the staff bathrooms at work, GLORY HALLELUJAH (now we just need something to replace the “floral” dish soap in the break room)
3. I just realized that it’s February and I’ve only had one head cold this winter, and that was in November and lasted for a week (not gloating, just quietly happy, please don’t hex me in revenge)
Whoa, wait a minute–I don’t have to work on Monday, either! So the little thing I’m thankful for is that Jenavira reminded me of that fact!
The Big Fat Quiz Of Everything from this past year. Most of the best Brits + Chelsea Peretti= Amazing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3Jw1DO_kFM
1) Looking forward to Mid-West Craft Con next week! (and secretly feeling a bit of creative-businessperson-imposter-syndrome, but excitement outweighs it!)
2) The fact that while cold and horrible, the snow makes outside so white and bright that it feels brighter and sunnier in my studio (when I’m facing away from the windows anyhow)
3) Rewatching the SNL “Back Home Ballers” video again and again and again
This morning I rented an airbnb house on an island in Maine for super cheap for a weekend this summer and then invited my bestest of friends to come. I am never this impulsive–I am A Planner, and the mere thought of putting money down without knowing everything was CERTAIN would normally give me a panic attack. But the house was big and adorable and is right next to Acadia, so I just pounced on it.
But! Despite my scary impulse purchasing! I think all my friends will be coming!
If I wasn’t in an office, I would be twirling around giddily at the thought of so much nature and wine-drinking and sunshine to be had with my nearest/dearest. It’s going to be sub-zero weather around here too, so I am going to have to bask in the warmth of future suns if I don’t want my bits to freeze off.
Li’l thing: I found a drop-in knit and crochet group at the public library and this burly man who is actually their security guard taught me how to turn a corner and stop chain-stitching to infinity while simultaneously shushing disruptive patrons. It was awesome. Definitely going back.
Oh I have another one: dark muscovado sugar — we haven’t had it in years because it wasn’t in our local stores & was too expensive online, but there it was yesterday at the ritzy store near our daughter’s school, so *right now* I am having coffee with it in. Yum!
1) I am going to make ginger syrup tonight and drink it hot with whiskey and lemon and maybe a touch of pear liqueur.
2) I am going to take this three-day weekend and be productive with it goddammit!
3) I’m also going to make All The Things this weekend to chase off the dreary gray. Roasted mushrooms on toast! Onion jam! Maybe even a soft cheese!
This is a great thread idea! 🙂
1) I also sent out Valentine’s cards! I love sending/ receiving snail mail. I’ve been sending cards to my mom and sisters with stickers all over them for every holiday since I moved a year and a half ago and I got cards with stickers all over them from each of them today. It made me feel so happy.
2) I’m finally getting confident with driving in the snow, which is huge for me. Last year I was literally stuck in my new house for days on end until the winter let up in freaking april (!!!) and I didn’t have any friends, soooo yeah it was terrible. I drove myself to the gym today! And I walked on a treadmill!
3) I just started on lexapro and I feel like I’m going to get my life back. I even set up a Galentine’s lunch for tomorrow with some girls I know! Wish me luck with socializing like a normal.
Good luck with your feelings that came up surrounding lent. I’ve been there man, take care of yourself!
1) After the braids post the other day, I had a sudden moment of clarity and realized I knew how fishtail braids worked. I’m pretty sure I also know how french fishtail braids worked, so I’m excited to be able to have a new fancy look for church.
2) I just watched the first three new X-Files episodes, and I’m good with them so far. Darin Morgan <3. (although I’m not sure how I feel about that one character)
Travel Man! Is my favorite show ever. I’m an anxious traveler, and it’s just so reassuring on all levels. My favorite part of the Copenhagen trip is *spoiler* when they eat open face sandwiches and Noel wants a hot drink and then Richard tells him it sounds like he’s complaining. That or when they smell ‘banana’ in all the beers.
I hope that you’re feeling better today honey <3
I moved to Amsterdam at teh start of January and recently the homesickness has been really kicking in, but I gave myself a hair cut on Thursday and it actually turned out pretty good (the last time I cut hair was when I was seven, and I completely missed a whole chunk at the middle-back), so my mood lifted right up.
This morning the two year old I look after on weekdays saw me put my coat on and immediately got hers so that she could go out with me. I was so touched I took her to the park, instead of going to buy chocolate and museum passes, which is what I’d intended.
Getting a smile from her always lifts my mood right up, or failing that, sitting listening to an audiobook by candle light for a couple of hours
1) My most skittish pet rat Sylvia has finally learned (after a YEAR) that I’m not trying to eat her, and now constantly desires cuddles and to groom my hand.
2) Fresh dates! I didn’t know they were so cheap! They’re like vegan caramels that also happen to be healthy and full of nutrition. I’m going hard on them right now, they are my go-to snack at the moment
3) It’s February and my pipes haven’t frozen once yet. Every day I wake up to -40 and actually have running water is a good day. I had a hot shower this afternoon and it felt so luxurious, like, I shouldn’t be able to do this!
Guys, I started a really intense sport (Brazilian Jujitsu) and I love it. But, I find that two classes a week wipe me out for a good chunk of the rest of the class. I know it will eventually pass as I get into shape, but I’m wondering if anyone has any tips or links to sites about nutrition because I have a feeling I’ll need to tweak it in order to maintain some energy.
Also, share stories of sports/work outs you all are doing and loving!
My only tip is to bring a jelly jar with protein powder in it to class, or chocolate milk or something. You have to drink it RIGHT AFTER you are done…if you shower and chat and muck around after class before you get some protein / sugar into you, it can really make the rest of the day a foggy, tired mess. Just get something into you immediately. I don’t know if this is Science or not but it makes a huge difference for me.
Ooh, I hadn’t thought of that. My classes are at night, but it’s usually a half hour before I can get home to eat.
I have been meaning to sign up for Jiu Jitsu classes for literally years! Please tell me more about it! Are you a lady? I have concerns about going into it as I (possibly incorrectly) assume it will be a sausage fest and I would therefore have to let strange men touch me.
I am indeed a lady and while there are other women in this class, I have only rolled with one woman so far and the rest have been with dudes. It is a little weird having to wrap legs around sweaty strange men (it’s a defense posture to keep them from moving freely), but you have to be in the mindset of sparing. However everyone I have rolled with have been lovely and not at all creepy.
Here’s what I did before I joined: I walked in on a class and asked if I could just watch, which they were fine with. I got to see a typical class and got a sense of how everyone interacts with each other. In this case, I saw a lot of friendliness. After class, the instructor and a bunch of the students talked to me and made me feel completely welcome. That’s what sold me on trying a class.
I guess it depends on the school, but a typical class spends the first twenty minutes showing moves and you practice with a partner. Then the rest of the class is open mat. No one is pressured to roll if they don’t want. I stick to the higher belts because they know what they are doing, will give me pointers and I trust them not to hurt me. That said, they don’t hold back and it’s typical to spend your first six months getting your ass kicked. But it’s super fun!
So yeah, my advice is to watch a class, see how friendly everyone is each other and go with your gut feeling. Internet research tells me BJJ people are the friendliest group and my experience agrees with this.
Good luck! And let me know if you decide to try it out.
Thank you! That’s a good idea to watch a class before signing up. I live an easy bus ride from a highly rated school so I’ll probably check them out once the weather gets a little better.
I am a guy, who did various martial arts for a couple decades (really want to get back into it but have been lazy lately):
The small jujitsu club I was part of off an on was mostly guys (there was one kick-ass lady) and it is extreme contact. It is basically wrestling plus, but everyone was very professional and well behaved.
The art I studied most was Aikido (though it was a more ju-jitsu form of Aikido) which was not as intense contact, and also had a lot more women practitioners (though there was still a higher ratio of men to women). There were still lots of throws, joint-locks, etc, but not so much intense ground work, wrestling style. So that might be something to check out if you have that concern.
So much in martial arts is finding a good school / instructor, which can be hard! I lucked out a lot.
Make sure you’re getting enough fats, and be careful about exhausting yourself too much/too often. You don’t want to tax your adrenals too much. Have fun! I’m so happy for you! Discovering a movement that moves you emotionally is so great!
I started going to a barre class at my gym once a week. I love the teacher and it always kicks my butt. I’m hoping to move up to going twice a week by next month. If I keep it up I’m going to have super strong legs!
I’m so intrigued by barre! I did a barre-yoga combo class yesterday, but I didn’t really enjoy it. I like yoga, and I have a ballet background, but I don’t think I liked the way the two were combined (I also didn’t love the instructor). I think I’m going to get a class pass and try a couple of other classes at different studios in the city!
Oh my gosh, I took some BJJ classes last summer and LOVED it. This does not help answer your question, but wow, I miss it so much and I would love to go back.
I’m surprised by how much I enjoy it! I wasn’t interested in grappling sports before that.
Ooh, I would love to try a jujitsu class some day but would have to find a reputable school near where I live. Also I wear glasses and I worry about them being knocked off/broken. So I just lift weights. Putting on muscle has been slow going because of my lifelong fear of gaining weight and latent ED, but I feel stronger and always feel so accomplished after a good session in the gym.
I really want to lift weights too one day.
Good plan!
ETA: I wasn’t being snarky – it is good that you have it as a goal, I meant.
Depending on your comfort level with not wearing your glasses, you can certainly wear them to watch instruction and then take them off to roll. Judo is a paralympic sport for the blind and bjj is a close cousin to judo- vision is not super critical once you’ve got a grip on someone.
That’s one of the things I love about lifting – you can make tiny, incremental progress, and it adds up pretty quickly over time!
I’m assuming that what I do for judo will also work for bjj. First, you are correct, it will get better. It’s entirely probable that part of the tiredness you are having is not so much about physical in-shapeness as it is about your body’s natural recovery from fight or flight situations. Bodies tend to dump all kinds of chemicals into our bodies when we are being attacked, and it takes time to recover from them. This will get better as your body learns that just because someone is trying to choke you does not mean that you need to go full on “that cougar is going to eat me” with the body chemicals. You’ll also begin to relax more, so you’ll be more efficient with your muscles because you’ll waste less energy.
Until then, eat! Before and after- not to much before, but something carby about an hour before should help, and sugar+protein after- usually chocolate milk for me, but there are many options. Sleep makes a big difference in recovery too.
That’s a good point about my body freaking out. I never considered it because I’m always having fun, but now that I think about it my body does shake after each roll.
And I appreciate all the reminders to eat right after class. I don’t feel like I’m skimping on food, but my timing is probably off.
Sounds like tension and adrenaline to me! I bet you’re not breathing as much as you ought to be, either. Try mentally reminding yourself to relax, or ask the person you’re going with to point out when you’re getting tense without making progress. You’ll get there!
I have been doing the easiest level of the very easiest program from Darebee in the mornings. I did day 21 this morning! I’m two-thirds done!
I’m mostly enjoying it. I do get a bit annoyed when there’s an exercise that I don’t quite understand and there’s no video for it. And it’s not the most exciting thing ever, but the workouts are short so I don’t have time to get too bored. My current plan is to do the second-easiest program next and then start on the fitness RPG, which maybe will be more exciting.
I’ve been doing the Hero’s Journey program from them! It’s great to fill some time at home while I’m unemployed, and it’s free. I like the slightly-gamified aspect of it too. I think I’ll do the Avatar Upgrade one next, though I’m only halfway through this one.
Definitely seconding/thirding/fourthing/etc the eating right after class. You’ve got to get some calories in you ASAP. I like the Sargento Balanced Breaks things because they are idiot-proof. I tend to eat WAY more than is necessary for recovery and turns out that’s how you don’t lose weight when you exercise. Ahem. But 150-200 calories of fat/sugar/protein works like a charm.
I have also been drinking this tea which is tasty and has a small amount of caffeine so whether or not it has recovery benefits is secondary to its yum factor and mild kick of energy. And I am using nuun tablets in my water for extra vitamins and electrolytes; I am a salty, salty sweater and get shaky from lack of salt if I am not careful.
So I am nearly two weeks in to half-marathon training (five runs per week plus crosstraining twice a week in a local barre studio), and this morning my barre instructor was very complimentary re: form and strength and was actually telling the new girl in class to watch what I was doing, and I am running better than I have in YEARS and it’s all coming together. Now I just have to figure out how the fuck I’m going to run tomorrow morning at 7:30 and put in six miles when the windchill is going to be about -15F.
Good luck with the half-marathon! That’s one of my goals for this year and once my body gets used to working again, I want to start running again.
When I was doing karate, I found that eating about a cup of veggies or fruit like 20 minutes before class helped with having enough energy. Carbs made me feel gross and like I would throw up when we ran stairs, but veggies worked. Also, drink lots of water throughout the day, especially if you’re a big coffee drinker.
Today has been great. I got to sleep in, am having an early lunch, and found this angelic beauty of a song Philippa Soo sings. Plus, the musical she sang it in is an electropop-Russian-soul fusion thing based on War And Peace, it’s supposed to be super weird and immersive, and it’s coming to Broadway this fall.
Shoe thread? Tell me about your favorite, most comfortable and supportive (work-appropriate) shoes, please!
I have recently become a Standing Desk Person, and it’s great, but my ballet flats aren’t cutting it. (I have a standing mat.) Do you have recommendations for something that will be comfy for standing most of the time? I try not to buy leather, so vegan would be a plus, but I could probably be persuaded to buy a leather pair if it’ll really be the best for my feet.
HERE FOR THIS.
I work retail, and am a long-time devoted ballet flat, but yeah–for lots of standing they just won’t cut it. You might try Naot (I have the “Kirei” in red and love them). I also like Rieker shoes a whole lot.
Unfortunately, they are Not. Cheap. But absolutely ends up worth it.
I’ve started to stand in bare/stocking feet on the standing mat and it’s gotten easier … helps that I’ve gotten back into yoga and regular hamstring stretches.
Cobb Hill by New Balance have lots of great office shoes – I’m wearing the Paulettes right now. They are leather, unfortunately, and a bit pricey but excellent quality and lots of support.
They are so comfortable that I’ve replace most of my shoes with Cobb Hill after a foot injury, but have you had problems with yours wearing out super quickly? I can’t tell if I’m just hard on my shoes or if it’s the brand.
Hm, not so far – but I do tend to rotate shoes so I’m not wearing the same ones every day so it’s hard to tell (also it’s winter half the year so I’m in boots a lot). Perhaps a letter to Cobb Hill on the matter?
I heartily recommend half insoles, like these: https://www.drscholls.com/productsandbrands/massa…
They make me able to walk for an hour + to the pawty cluhb and then dance for like 4 hours in All Stars, so they may make ballet flats still workable for a standing desk.
These are by far the best shoes I’ve worn with my standing desk: https://www.rackroomshoes.com/RED-WILLOW/WINNER/w…
My favorite shoes for standing/walking are the Onitsuka Tiger by Asics. I went all around Europe in those, walking 10 miles some days, shuffling through art museums other days, and my feet never hurt afterward. I also avoid buying leather. The Tigers sometimes have suede panels in certain colors, but other colors are all manmade, so you just have to pay attention.
Those are incredibly cute.
Ooh, what is the name brand that nurses wear…Sanita.? The shoes are more or less clogs but they do come in funky colours and patterns! Or maybe it’s Danska? Dammit, can’t remember but I had a pair and they were THE BOMB*
*don’t care if that’s old slang, still applies to my awesome Sanita/Danska(?) clogs.
Dansko!
THAT’S IT! Thank you!
Yes, used to wear my Dansko clogs for 30+ hours of standing when I was in residency. I alternated them with tennis shoes so my foot didn’t have the same pressure points all the time. Currently I don’t stand as much (thank God) but I am enjoying my Taos shoes, which have a great soft and supportive footbed.
Danskos were my shoe of choice for junior and senior year of high school (we had a uniform so options were limited) and they are AMAZING if a bit heavy. dont wear them if you are particulary weak and fainty.
For comfort, I stand strongly behind any of the Cole Haan shoes with Nike/Grand/whatever soles. I found a pair of heels (heels!) that were amazingly comfy for all-day wear. I also have a pair of Lunargrands and love them, but they might not fly in your work situation.
But, as far as vegan shoes, I highly recommend MooShoes. Basically anything they carry is great. And, you can always stop by theppk.com forums and visit The Unstoppable Thread of Vegan Shoe Coveting for ideas.
Could you keep a pair of Birkenstocks under your desk, just for standing? Office culture dependent, but I rocked my white ones all summer and my feet felt great.
Dr Scholls makes really cute casual shoes (no, really!), maybe they have some good work appropriate ones, too?
Sketchers memory foam shoes are all great.
Ditto that! The Go Walk line in particular. They feel like you’re wearing slippers. I can walk for miles in them. And you can often find them for sale on Amazon for about $30, so it isn’t a real investment to try them out.
i’ve been looking for cute shoes that can support a day of walking for when i’m out all day without a car, and i’ve really liked some of the cuter Clarks, particularly the Bendables have a nice soft support that don’t tire my feet out.
looks like i gotta look into these naot shoes, hmm.
I have Born ballet-ish flats and I absolutely live in them. (I do standing work a lot of the year and they totally hold up.)
Almost all of my shoes are Born! And they last for ages and ages. I do a lot of standing and walking work too.
TOMS shoes are fantastic for this. You might also be able to find something through Shoes For Crews–they are specifically designed as walk/stand/etc and were without question the best restaurant shoes that I ever ever had, AND they are not expensive and come in many stylish-esque varieties.
I made the fatal mistake of replacing my Shoes For Crews with Dansko clogs, which gave me lingering nerve damage in three toes, so ymmv.
I’ve worn these Merrell mary janes many times at my standing desk: http://www.bonanza.com/listings/Merrell-Plaza-Ban…. I really like Merrell shoes in general for arch support and comfort.
It’s so very dependent on your foot and how it reacts to different shoes. I can’t wear Sanita or Dansko without pain, but the Crocs designed to look like them work fine for me. Naot require a long and sometimes gory break-in period after which they fit like an intuitive second skin. And any decent-looking shoe can be made quite a bit more comfortable with PowerSoles inserts. $25-ish dollars but they move from shoe to shoe and seemingly never wear out. Good luck! I really hate foot pain, so I feel you.
Insoles! I buy my usual work boots a half size up & then stick the thickest Superfeet insoles in them, and those last me for solid 12hr shifts on my poorly-constructed feet. You can probably get them fitted at your local running store; just bring the shoes that you want to wear & they’ll cut the insoles down to the correct size to fit inside.
Born shoes were already mentioned as being excellent, and I second that. And I’m glad you have a standing mat! It’s a comfy anti-fatigue mat, right?
Also, in addition to Born, any everyday shoes from an outdoorsy place like REI should be good. They carry all the best brands for people who just want comfort while they’re on their feet, including vegan shoes.
Can Amor Truly Vincit Omnia? Chaucer Doth Advise. LeVostreGC plus NPR = OTP. (Edited so now the link actually links.)
This is so intriguing but the link is broken!
Hm, it’s working for me; worst-case scenario, though, that’s the title of the article, and it pops up on Google.
“Lo, whanne first yn love al folke do interpret choyces and signals more carefullye than the protagonists of Dan Browne novels. Everye flower that thou dost sende, everye word yn everye voycemaile, everye pastrye that thou dost order yn the presence of the belovid ys turnid over and over agayne for secret meaninge (note: a bearclawe ys alwayes a good signe).”
If anyone is interested, I am trying to make an LA Toast book club! Email TheToastOfLA at gmail dot com if you are interested. I’m thinking Elena Ferrante to start?
Hey all – I could use some advice.
Last week I met with a plastic surgeon to discuss having a breast reduction. I’m on the small end of what would be covered by our provincial medical services plan, but she said she would be able to do the surgery, although she’d have to aim for an a cup to have it fall within the guidelines. On one hand, this sounds like a perfect dream and I’m all sign me up now! But on the other, I’ve never had surgery, or any medical intervention more serious than an IUD and I’m pretty scared. It was also hard to hear it confirmed that my breasts are as crappy as I thought they were. My husband is 100+ supportive (unlike my bras, am I right?!) but I’m having a hard time considering how I would tell anyone else in my life. The idea of being able to hop on my bike without layering bras and carefully choosing a neckline is amazing, but I don’t know if I can do what it takes to get there. Does anyone else have experience with this? What would you do?
High five for “unlike my bras”
I don’t have any advice but I’ve been considering a breast reduction as well so I can totally sympathize with being scared and not knowing how to tell people as those are the main things holding me back at this point. I’m rooting for you!
If those are the things holding us back, let’s just do this 🙂
I’m always half-considering a reduction, but haven’t gotten to the point where I consult a doc. I also have the same fears: not too excited about surgery, and what do I tell people? But also I struggle with the idea of changing my body so drastically. Even though I routinely fantasize about my boobs falling off and rolling away, this is the body I’ve had my whole life, and it’s confusing to think about having a different one (through a decision I make, not an accident or whatever.) Anyway, unfortunately no advice here, but I sympathize. Oh, I guess I can share that I have two friends who had reductions and they were delighted.
Yeah, that’s sort of where I am. If I imagine a year from now, with a different body, it just makes sense, and it seems great. But getting there seems like another thing all together.
The big body change is weird for sure! At first it was all I could notice about myself. Now I only notice it once every few months. This body is still my body and I am still me. Just slightly different than two years ago. That’s what my friends say too. But obviously that is a small sample size and results can vary.
I would recommend if it is a possibility to talk to both your potential surgeon for an idea of what you can expect for results and maybe a therapist to chat out the idea of changing bodies and how that impacts how you identify as you. Or any safe space really where it is possible to voice your fears and concerns to someone who can help you figure out where you stand. Maybe it’s not for you? Maybe it is? Either way I think it’s good to at least talk about it
Thank you (and everyone else on this thread) for sharing your experiences! My annual checkup is in a couple of months, so I have decided to bring it up with my GP to start exploring the idea.
I was so scared of telling people! What if they thought it was dumb? What if they thought I was vain? What if they yelled at me about unnecessary surgeries and massages? What if they said they liked them better before? So many possibilities!
I told some friends and family before because they were acting as my support system and also I’m get super chatty when I’m scared about things. They were all great. Support before during and after. And so many complements after from the people who knew!
After, if people noticed who I hadn’t told, they never said anything about it to me. I think it’s a natural thing that we do is to think that the change in us has a giant neon arrow pointing it out to everyone else while also forgetting that we live in a polite society where people generally mind their own business and don’t make hurtful comments to friends and strangers.
Would you mind saying how drastic your change was? Did you end up with a small cup size?
I went from DD to C. So I was also on the smaller end of the scale when I did it. I’m not tiny now but I’m in proportion. My doctor and I discussed possibly going smaller but I didn’t want to. It’s noticeable but also the kind of thing that people could assume was significant weight loss or something.
FWIW, I went from H to C, so mine was really noticeable, but even people who noticed and said something (generally colleagues) just noticed I’d gotten…somehow smaller? but they couldn’t exactly pinpoint where / how? So a lot of folks asked if I lost weight. Being who I am, of course, I said “Yes! Got about five pounds taken out of my boobs!” (I find that if you’re up front and totally fine with such things, any discomfort is gonna be on the other person’s part, not yours.) Every single person I’ve told has been supportive. What I figured out is that people across the board are perfectly fine with breast reduction because everyone’s baseline assumption is that it’s done for health reasons, in some way. I don’t think anyone ever assumed it was vanity, even though I was convinced they would. In my head I put “breast surgery” all in one category, but found that people in general seem to have “breast reduction” in the “corrective health care, no judgment” category, whereas “breast enlargement” is in a completely different mental category and *that’s* where people would get judgy.
“while also forgetting that we live in a polite society where people generally mind their own business and don’t make hurtful comments to friends and strangers.”
And also that people are often so concerned with their own appearance and other worries that they don’t notice or care about others’ appearance. Which is a good thing.
Gentle cheering you on. Take all the time you need, but it is *your* body and I do not see any reason not to do this thing which you think will really improve your quality of life.
I did this! 12 years ago now. I, too, was on the smaller side of “too big,” but insurance covered it, and to this day I think it was the BEST THING I EVER DID for myself.
It was also my first time in a hospital, getting an IV, having surgery, etc, and I was scared as hell. But it was an outpatient procedure and I was asleep in my own bed that night.
It hurt like hell to lift my arms for… a while? I honestly can’t remember now, maybe a week or two. And the bruising is insane (and so is the swelling, right afterwards). But I was back at work in three weeks. The worst part is that I had dissolving stitches (which I think is the norm), and for a few years every once and a while one would work its way out and be sticking out of my skin, which was… disconcerting. But I dealt with it!
As for what to tell people, I chose only to tell a few of my closest friends, and not make a big public announcement. A few astute observers asked if I had lost weight, and I answered depending on my relationship with them (to coworkers, “Yes, a little!” To friends, “Yes, in fact, I had breast reduction surgery a few months ago.”). It was not as big of a deal as I thought it would be.
Honestly, it has made my life infinitely better and I don’t regret it for a second.
Out of curiosity, what is the general size range for eligibility?
I think it varies depending on your insurance company. My provider didn’t have a strict cup-size requirement (for the record, I was a DD on a small frame), just that the size was causing pain, and hindering my ability to lead an active lifestyle: while it would have been possible to strap on a hefty sports bra and go running, I wouldn’t do it because it was so uncomfortable. I didn’t realize how active I _wanted_ to be until after surgery, when suddenly hiking, biking, and even jogging were fun instead of torturous. I’m basically a jock now, which is still a marvel to me.
As I recall, when I went in for my first consultation, the doctor took one look at my posture and the dents in my shoulders from my bra straps and was like, “Yep.”
I hope that helps!
Yeah mine was based off of pain/inability to do certain things. But their was also a weight of removed tissue that could qualify me. I don’t know the cut off, but as a 36 DD my doctor said that reducing one breast by two cups would definitely meet it. But providers vary on minimums I think.
I think it is based on volume removed, so for me, my 34DDD would have to go to an A cup.
Mine had to be at least 1000g removed total (not per boob) to be covered by insurance. (I remember my mom and doctor being very careful to explain this to me, so if I was nervous about losing too much I would say. I told them if I ended up with none at all I’d still be happy. Took me from DD/DDD to C, and suddenly I could stand up straight again!)
(I won’t add much about my surgery, because I seem to recover unnaturally quickly from things like this and had almost zero pain with either this *or* my IUD insertion years later.)
No that’s great, my IUD was super chill
Oh okay, this is great, except for the stitches thing, my goodness . Did you go to a small cup size in the end?
Yeah the stitches thing was not great. But not terrible! (And not at all painful, just odd)
As for size, I went to a B cup. Right after surgery, I thought, “Whoa, so small!” (In a good way.) Now, I look at myself and I think, “Yeah, that’s me.”
It’s so so so natural to be scared of surgery! I don’t have any experience with the breast-size issues you mentioned, but I wanted to chime in an say I was terrified before my surgery. I got a lot of support from other Toasties and from Team Me, and although I was a sobbing mess going into the operating room, I really do think that telling everyone how scared I was was helpful in the long run. If having a reduction is going to improve your life, then don’t let the fear of the surgery stop you!
I got one last summer. Actually at the same time as another childhood friend and the mom of another childhood friend. Something in the water I guess. For the three of us there have been no regrets and we consider it to be the best decisions we ever made.
It was my first surgery. I was scared obviously. The nurses were incredible at calming me and the doctor was very kind which helped reduce stress. Coming out of the anesthesia was the worst for me. I was queasy and wanted to move independently before my brain had finished waking up, but then that minute passed and I was fine. There was some pain for me during recovery but mostly just soreness/tenderness for about a week. The first few days I basically just lay on the couch with my dad helping me with bandages and the drains and feeding me. My friend had a day or so of painful recovery and then was basically fine.
It’s a weird experience. Recovering from any surgery is weird. Emptying drains is weird. Going bra shopping while still having to wear some bandages is weird. Sometimes you put on an old dress that now fits 100 times better and you don’t really recognize the body filling it out because it’s so different. Some days you look down and wonder if they’ve grown back. I am no back and neck pain free instead of using a heating pad every day. Buying clothes is easier.
I had a great support system. I had a doctor I trusted. Those are the most necessary things. I am happier now.
So that’s my good experience. Weigh the possible positives against your ability to handle stress and nerves, the strength of your support system, and the knowledge that sometimes you will feel weird about your body even if 98% of the time you are thrilled. Good luck!
Also your breasts aren’t crappy. They just aren’t working for you.
Yeah, crappy for my particular life I guess 🙂
No one I know who has had a breast reduction has regretted it.
If the current size of your breasts is causing you discomfort and negatively impacting your quality of life, I’d say go for it. You don’t need anyone else’s approval. Their opinions are irrelevant. You don’t have to tell them anything. If you need to take time off work, you just say you’re having a routine procedure. If people ask, tell them or not as you feel comfortable. It’s your body, it’s your choice, it’s your business.
DO IT! I had a breast reduction approximately 8 years ago and never looked back. I went from an “F” to a large “C” and not only do you finally get to buy all the super flirty pretty girly bras you pined for but couldn’t have, you can be much more relaxed about chest support when you run, hike, ride, etc. Bonus: if you’re suffering from shoulder and/or back aches, reducing all that pressure sure helps those pains!
Here’s the personal bias sneaking in: I developed HUGE ridicously early and as a result, was constantly harassed and/or bullied over the course of my tween/teen years and I came to loathe my massive chest. Plus, I was tired of having sore shoulders and an aching back and buying clothes never, ever fucking fit right. Now, I got a great pair of boobs that even look fantastic in a wet t-shirt because (a) proportion and (b) nipples are up, up, UP, baby!
It should also be noted I lucked out in having an amazing plastic surgeon who did a stunning job. He took seven pounds off (three pounds per breast) and scarring was minimal. Downtime was minimal was well but yes, you will be sore for a couple of weeks afterwards for sure.
Good luck in whatever decision you make!
Ahhh this sounds great. Thanks for the story!
Holy moly, you guys, this is so comforting, thank you!
I’m waiting on insurance approval, and then I am THERE to get these weighty suckers down to a manageable size + the gross armpit boobs that have kept me from wearing tank tops for the past decade.
So, so great to hear not one smidge of regret from those of you who’ve been through it.
Last time I had surgery, I woke up feeling super queasy – mentioned it to my surgeon, and she said A Delicate Tum is definitely something to talk about with the anesthesiologist beforehand: they might end up putting a seasickness patch on me in recovery.
Keeping that in mind for any future surgeries!
I have three friends who all had the surgery fairly recently and all are so much happier now. I can’t really speak to the physical part of the experience, but I do know they all think it was well worth the temporary pain.
So who are the people you’re afraid of telling? And for that matter, why tell them at all? If you never said anything, most normally socialized people would never comment on your chest unless you brought it up yourself. For work and stuff, “I’m having a minor surgery but should be back in the office X day” is plenty. (I know it’s not really minor, but white lies are the lube of polite conversation.) Again, even if a co-worker noticed a difference, only the rudest person would say something. And in that case you can just give them a beady look until they shrivel up and die.
I don’t know any non-garbage women who would judge you for choosing to have a reduction, and obviously men don’t get a vote on this issue. 🙂
I haven’t actually mentioned anything to my folks, who are huge hippies and have both avoided anything medical themselves. I don’t know what they would say at all….
Oh, parents. That is a tough one, depending on your relationship. I’ve had that problem too where sometimes it seems like they are taking my health issues personally since their genes are partially to blame…
But I would hope that if you say you are doing it because you are in pain, the nurturing parent side of their personalities would win out. They don’t want their daughter to live in pain! You can appeal to the hippie side by talking about freedom and body autonomy. 🙂
You’re doing this for your health. You will feel better. This should be important to hippies, even ones who avoid medical things themselves. It’s not like you’re doing this for superficial or social-conformity reasons (not that those can’t be valid reasons as well, but I’d guess that’s where you’d get pushback).
I found people were really supportive and understood exactly why I was doing it. I still tell people about it, mostly because every so often I’ll have a “damn I’m glad I did that!” moment and I can’t help but share.
I had breast reduction surgery a couple years ago – right after my divorce. It actually felt like a gift to myself. The surgery was no fun, obv, but recovery wasn’t bad, and I have to say, it is one of the best choices I ever made. I lost over 40 lbs of non-boob weight 🙂 over the next year or two in large part because it was just so much easier to exercise. I don’t think my surgeon was the best and you can really see the scars still on one side, but you know what? I don’t even care, it is so much better. THAT is how good the surgery is. (I read up beforehand and it is the elective surgery with the highest satisfaction rate, like 90%ish.)
Also, added bonus if you are used to sagging boobs: I could not stop pointing out to everyone how perky my girls had become. (Me to my mom: “It’s like I have the breasts of a 21-year-old!” Mom: “…”)
I was so excited the first time I dropped my food and it fell IN MY LAP.
I haven’t done it myself, but two high school friends of mine both had it done. They were EXTREMELY pleased with the results and very glad they did it, and their back pain magically vanished.
This was back in the ’90s, so I’d imagine (if anything) it’s probably even safer and more straightforward now.
My experience is that people, in general, are pretty unobservant. If you get new glasses or a new haircut around the same time, they probably won’t even notice.
Good thinking with the new haircut or glasses idea!
My bestie had a reduction and she said the recovery was a breeze. She was a bit sore and had to wear some funky surgical bra thing for a few weeks, but she is so, so happy now. As a minimally or lesser titted bystander, I’ve noticed a huge difference to her level of confidence and her self-love. Whatever you choose to do, best of luck.
If you don’t mind me asking, which provincial health plan are you on? I’m looking into getting a major reduction and if I could get it covered that would be a big headache dealt with – I have a choice between Manitoba and Quebec coverage, trying to choose.
BC, left coast, best coast, etc 🙂
Ah yes, the California of Canada. I hope you’re enjoying not freezing to death right now 🙂
A friend used cancer-related circumstances to go from a G cup to a C, and she told me nobody (except her mom) ever seemed to notice. Also, my educated guess is that you’ll be up and at ’em again in a couple of weeks.
I love this cold weather, I am voluntarily going outside more than at any gentler season of the year, I am pro-winter, pro-windchill, all of it! But my sourdough starter has been blindsided by the cold and unable to rise after four feedings, it bubbles miserably in its jar and does not double or even really rise at all. I wandered around the whole house looking for a warm spot and have now stuffed it deep in my lap as I sit reading the Toast, hoping that I will have some actual toast for breakfast this weekend.
How is anyone else coaxing their living things to thrive this week?
This reminds me that as a plant biologist, I really ought to be better at watering my plants. Half of them are tropical trees that I have trapped in 2 liter pots so that I can play pretend-rainforest (they’re also souvenirs from various trips and friends), but damn they are needy with the water. Especially in winter.
Time to go spritz the Tillandsia menagerie again!
The light that gives my herbs life is unfortunately coming through windows thAt are icy, frosty and honestly a little drafty. I think one mint plant is lost.
I have the worst luck with mint! I do not know why. It is the one herb I want to grow, and every time another one dies on me, I only want to grow it more.
I want to resent mint, but I love it so.
My bathtub faucet drips constantly, and that’s the entire source of water for my plants over the winter. That helps me remember to water them, honestly, as bottles fill up and I have to put new bottles under the tap so as not to waste any.
I keep mine on the top of the fridge. It puts out enough heat to keep it happy, but not too much. It’s also perfect for proofing dough.
My plants all seem to be having hard times. I forgot to water my paperwhite bulbs for a few days, and now it looks like two of the three won’t bloom properly because the blooms dried out in their casing. My moss jar has been anemic and half-dead since spring, which I guess is not unexpected because it’s a chunk of arctic tundra moss and it’s not really surprising it’s not a fan of being indoors. half my other plants seem to think it’s spring and are trying to grow, and my little holly seems very confused and currently has red berries, green berries, and is trying to bud out new flowers. Those are all supposed to happen at different times, holly! Control yourself!
This week my husband was offered a tenure track job, in his field, at a school where he’ll be very happy teaching. This was literally the moment we’ve been waiting ten years for, and we’re completely over the moon.
Denver toasties…any tips? We’ll be moving to your city this summer!
Congratulations!
Thank you!
i lived in boulder for six months last year, and the beauty is indeed astonishing! i do not know how outdoorsy you are, but if the answer is “slight-to-moderate”, don’t let the flabbergasting level of athleticism get you down! i really regret not going on more hikes, but i was so intimidated that i stopped.
also, there are 10,000 breweries, but the one called “our mutual friend” is particularly lovely and i highly recommend. cartdriver is a stroll away and has tasty pizza, as well.
Thanks for the brewery recommendation! We are moderately outdoorsy, definitely looking forward to some hiking.
Congrats on living the dream! Are you into great conspiracy theories and general nuttiness? Look up your new city’s airport….
Hey Denver! I’m not really a Denver toastie but I’m there right now, since I sort of grew up here and my parents live here (and if I screw up my residency stuff I’ll have to come back, hurray?). It’s a nice place and getting more stuff by the day. Lots of food. Lots of beer. People wear a lot of fleece and like dogs.
I don’t know much about Denver, but what wonderful news! Congratulations to you both! And good luck with the move.
Congrats from a Denver toastie!! (I’m never on time to open threads, apologies for my weird late reply.) Denver is great, but housing prices are stupid, but it’s currently in the 50s in mid-February, so whaddaya gonna do.
If you like to hike, skip the 14ers. Go on the 13ers – there’s no one there and the views are just as good.
I learned what a 14er is just this weekend!
As for housing prices, we live in Berkeley, where the current median home price is 1.3 million. Anything will be an improvement.
congratulations! the traffic and housing prices are awful if you’re from anywhere except the coasts, in which case you’ll find them a pleasant change. past that, embrace brunch. let a body know if you want shown around.
Yeah, we’re moving from the Bay Area. It’s hard to imagine traffic and housing prices being worse than what we’ve come to know here.
sorry for late response, but oh yeah you will find everything much better. barring possibly the seafood.
Congratulations!!!!
Guys, recently I reversed my stance on ginger beer from ugh too spicy to BRING IT ON. What are your favorite spicy ginger drinks? Spicy ginger recipes in general? I want all the ginger.
(Also, I am wildly jealous of Nicole’s shirt, and at the moment my absolute favorite article of clothing is a pair of neon tie-dye leggings from We Love Colors. They are beautiful, and I get a kick out of hearing parents murmer in awe to their children “Look at her fancy pants!” when I walk past.)
Oh I love spicy ginger drinks, but they are quite hard to come by where I live, so I’m just glad when get them, and don’t really have a favourite brand. Spicy ginger drinks ftw!
Vernor’s, if you live in the catchment area. There is no substitute.
Stash makes a lemon ginger tea that is quite gingery and very nice. Other lemon ginger teas are not worth it. And the Davids Tea blend “Ginger Beer” is not worthy of the name.
My husband (born in Michigan) was delighted to find Vernor’s at our local grocery store in Oregon. 🙂
My aunt and uncle moved to Las Vegas after a lifetime living in Michigan and they saw Vernor’s in the grocery store one day and literally stood there taking photos of it to send to everyone excitedly.
OMG the geographer in me cannot believe you used “catchment area” for ginger ale. Now I am imagining the cuyahoga river valley full of vernor’s.
I picked up some stash lemon ginger tea today, but I’m not finding it very gingery. Do you steep it extra long?
Yeah, I should have mentioned that. I leave the bag in the whole time I drink it (so steep time, like…20-30 minutes). Then it’s PLENTY gingery.
I’ll try that! Do you ever ice it?
Those pants sound awesome.
The Stone Fence is one of my favorites. Bon Appetit’s Witty Comeback is a cousin of this–less gingery, but totally delicious.
It’s a little bit more expensive, but Barrow’s Ginger Liqueur has a spicy ginger flavor that mixes well with just about anything.
I love spicy ginger beer, and if you are serious about the ‘bring it on’ I would like to introduce you to Q Ginger Beer, which is ginger, lime, coriander, cardamom, and agave, and is the spiciest and best ginger beer I have ever, ever, ever had. And it’s also delicious with rum!
Ooh, I think I saw that at a store nearby but I discounted it because it was so light-colored. I’ll have to try it!
If you do, report back! I thought it had chili in it at first, it was so spicy. 🙂
nggghhhh
waaant
http://qgingerbeer.com/
OH MY GOD. It’s spicy and wonderful and IT KEEPS GOING UP MY NOSE. Maybe it’ll help clear out my sinuses.
I just tried some Goya ginger beer. Turns out it actually does have capsicum in it. Good lord. (Though I have to admit, Q still has Goya beat on spiciness.)
My dad, from whom I inherited all of my food/drink preferences, makes super strong ginger tea by grating a ton of fresh ginger into a pot, filling it with water, and boiling the crap out of it, then straining into jars and adding honey before it cools. Then he mixes it with tequila.
I do the same, but also like to reheat it and drink it with cinnamon and apple cider vinegar when I’m sick. Or when I’m not sick. It’s delicious.
So here for this thread. I grew up on Vernors and can’t get it here (AFAIK?). But there was this soda in Tanzania called Stoney Tangawizi (Swahili for ginger) and it’s the best, i haven’t found anything in the US that matches it yet. Maybe it can be obtained in big cities? Anyway, definitely excited to try some of these recs!
Hot ginger citrus drink: 2 lemons + 1 orange + a good chunk of grated ginger root + 1 cup of honey. Scrub and slice the citrus, stir all together and store in a jar in the fridge for up to 3 weeks. Put 1 tbsp in a mug of hot water, let it steep a bit before drinking. SO GOOD.
I looove ginger. Dark and stormies are good alcohol-wise. For non-alcoholic, a fancy breakfast place near me does these ginger-mint spritzer things that are really good. Been meaning to try and replicate it at home. I think it is mint, ginger, and lime juice with sparkling water.
ALL THE GINGER, the spicier the better.
i like the plain ginger tea from yogi tea. also good: just boiling ginger root with some water and honey. and re: ginger beer, bundaberg is a bit too sweet but great in a dark & stormy, reed’s extra ginger is my favorite.
I am here for We Love Colors, that website gets a significant chunk of my money.
These leggings are so awesome. They’re the first leggings I’ve been able to talk myself into wearing as pants. What stuff do you like from WLC?
If you drink alcohol, try making a Dark and Stormy cocktail…
Ginger wine! It’s so tasty.
Ginger! The best of all flavors.
If you drink, I recommend finding a bottle of Domaine de Canton ginger liqueur as soon as you can. It’s…not cheap, but so, so delicious in just about anything. If you add some to club soda, it’s like making your own ginger ale that also gets you drunk. It’s the best.
I love Vernor’s and Reed’s, but when I can find it Cock & Bull is my jam. Also like to just grate a ton of ginger into overly-sweet (e.g. King Kelly) orange marmalade and let it sit overnight before having the Best Toast Ever. After this Toast, I mean.
I recently found Not Your Fathers’ Ginger Ale from Small Town Brewery thanks to a Trader Joe’s in store tasting. Tastes like strong ginger chew but fizzy and boozy. Same brewery does a Not Your Father’s Root Beer which I also love. They are both very strong in flavor which is nice as I find a single one in the evening is satisfying which is better for me than sitting and drinking beer all night.
I picked up a bottle yesterday, but sadly it tastes more like beer than ginger to me. Probably because I’m not must of a beer drinker. Thank you for the recommendation, though!
Who has Peace Corps experiences they want to talk about?? Where did you go? What did you do? How did you feel about it? What would you tell someone who’s considering it?
(Part of the reason I’m so interested in applying is that it seems like the clearest path to getting a job in international development right after college, so if anyone has ideas about other ways to do that, I would also love to hear them!)
Me! Me! Me! I completed my service last April and I served in Jamaica (yes, I know. Posh Corps. I lived 20 minutes from the beach and most of my community didn’t have running water. I am very opinionated about this. ANYWAY.). I did agriculture and environmental education through Jamaica 4-H. My service was by turns difficult and immensely rewarding, as you might expect. If you’re interested in international development, it’s a great start. I’m working in international trade, but a lot of my colleagues are RPCVs. There was a lot I’d change about my service and the country I served in, but I’m a much better person for having done it. I’m more confident, compassionate, and I’ve made some of my best friends through PC. Highly recommended, but it’s not for everyone. I’d seek out PCV blogs (you might run across mine). Some give a highly sanitized version of service, but others are more honest. Happy to answer questions!!
Me! I was in Mongolia. Mongolia was fantastic, but the other volunteers were Having an Authentic Experience which meant getting drunk and passing out in their host families’ yards and talking a lot about Respect while being incredibly disrespectful. It was like being on Real World Mongolia. I didn’t see anything that looked like sustainable development, and the organization really didn’t seem to have moved past the idea that being young, earnest, and American was good enough for the communities we were supposedly serving. For example, I was placed as an TEFL volunteer. I had subbed a few times- that was the sum of my teaching experience. In my placement, I was expected to teach my Mongolian counterparts, many of whom were twice my age and had multiple graduate degrees in education, English, and/or linguistics, how to do their job better- by virtue of my American-ness and a couple weeks of training delivered by other Peace Corps volunteers.
I would strongly advise looking into other organizations. Anyway, I have a lot of feelings about this, and would be happy to answer any specific questions!
This basically sums up my experience: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/09/opinion/09strau…
“This lack of organizational introspection allows the agency to continue sending, for example, unqualified volunteers to teach English when nearly every developing country could easily find high-caliber English teachers among its own population. Even after Cameroonian teachers and education officials ranked English instruction as their lowest priority (after help with computer literacy, math and science, for example), headquarters in Washington continued to send trainees with little or no classroom experience to teach English in Cameroonian schools. One volunteer told me that the only possible reason he could think of for having been selected was that he was a native English speaker.”
See, my experience was vastly different, because I have degrees in agriculture and taught agriculture. And I wouldn’t disagree with anything you’ve said! The English teaching thing is deeply flawed, of course, and you enumerated the issues well. It’s definitely a flawed organization…but I’m very glad I did it.
I am so glad you posted this. I have so many Thoughts and Feelings! I will try to distill them into something coherent. Also remember that this is TOTALLY just my perspective as one person who spent two years and change in one place in one country.
The tl;dr summary is that it fucked me up and I would do it again in a heart beat. It’s deeply flawed but so is development as a whole. It can be an amazing experience.
I was a Basic Sanitation volunteer in Bolivia from 2004-2006. I’ve also had friends who served in other countries and programs, and my general sense is that many things in Peace Corps vary dramatically depending on the country and the program.
Bolivia at that time was in the midst of intense political turmoil. I’m surprised we managed to finish our service. PC pulled out in 2008.
I think you need to view Peace Corps in the context of its three goals:
1. To help the people of interested countries in meeting their need for trained men and women
2. To help promote a better understanding of Americans on the part of the peoples served
3. To help promote a better understanding of other peoples on the part of Americans
In terms of the first goal, it’s certainly arguable whether Peace Corps is meeting its objective. Some volunteers are very qualified, others not at all. I am a Civil Engineer and already had a masters degree and several years of work experience before I joined, so I had at least some qualification for the position. We had some volunteers who were retirees who were absolute rock stars and I know PC is trying to increase recruitment from that demographic. If nothing else you’re a person with access to resources that the community didn’t have before, so that’s something. It also seemed to me that the effects could be cumulative; in Bolivia, sometimes you would see a project that would be the culmination of the work of multiple volunteers spanning many years of work.
I also can’t help but point out that international development as a whole is in general not a super effective endeavor, and I don’t know that PC is necessarily worse than any of the other big NGOs out there. I was shocked in Bolivia by some of the big name NGOs that were Just Terrible a community level, like seriously horrible in terms of how they interacted with the locals. The developing world is littered with failed infrastructure projects. In Bolivia PC was pretty unique in that we actually lived in the communities we worked in; many of the big NGOs didn’t and just sort of drove in once a month to take photos of the kids to send back to donors. This is not meant to excuse Peace Corps; I think my point is more that many of the criticisms against PC are criticisms that could also be made against other organizations or against the field of development as a whole.
I think PC could do a much better job of screening volunteers, training them, and then providing them with adequate resources and support once they’re at their sites. PC claims that they only place volunteers/programs where countries and communities want them, but they need to do a better job of that. As others have pointed out there are many stories of volunteers behaving badly, using their time to party it up in the city or to sleep with as many people as possible. You don’t have to be one of those people.
Peace Corps puts you pretty close to living at the level of the locals, about as close as you can be as a wealthy American. You can really learn the language(s) and the culture, if you want, and that’s a pretty extraordinary experience. It’s one thing to be invited to parties; it’s another to be put to work, to be expected to pitch in with the family business. To be asked to help carry the body of the deceased.
I do think that the country that benefits the most from the PC is the United States. We get a cadre of people who are deeply resourceful, motivated, adaptable, and who have deep knowledge of a foreign language and culture. Ten years on, when I look at the people with whom I served, many have gone to work in (or even found) nonprofits in the US and abroad. They work in education, environmental fields, with immigrants, in health care, etc. One was inspired to seek a degree in engineering and is now a Civil Engineer himself. Several stayed in Bolivia for one or more years and continued to work there. I continue to fundraise for Water For People, one of the more effective organizations that I worked with there.
Be aware that Peace Corps can be inconsistent in how it treats its people. The staff in Bolivia were lovely, both Americans and Bolivians. Some of the DC people I had to deal with can go Fuck themselves, even ten years later. I came back from PC and was diagnosed with PTSD and panic disorder, no joke, but that was partly due to some really weird shit that happened to me personally, your mileage may vary.
The more time passes the more glad I am that I did it. It’s a hell of a ride.
OK that was a lot. If you ever want to talk more, lemme know.
Yes! I was in Morocco right around Y2K (I’m old, y’all). It was both impossibly hard and incredibly rewarding. I was a health/hygiene/sanitation volunteer in a remote mountain community. I learned Berber and ate mounds of couscous. I thought the squat toilet and no running water would be the hard parts, but I got used to that very quickly. The isolation was much harder, but I expect it’s very different now that people can have internet and blogs and skype right in their houses. I had to go 6 hours to get to a cybercafe! (uphill both ways in snow etc).
Granted, there are organizational missteps, and actual sustainable development may be light on the ground. But goals 2 and 3 shouldn’t be discounted, and PC can really shine at that. Just having any experience at such a grassroots level is hard to come by. After coming back, I actually got my MPH and have been working in international health development for over a decade. I make a lot of hires for entry/mid-level staff and PC experience is always always always a plus.
That is a nice shirt but I do not understand it at all! Bless you athletic types.
Earlier this week, there was a Link Round-up thread about the importance of local politics. I was thinking that it might be really nice to have a little thread here about important regional races and candidates in your area.
I’ll start for the Chicagoans out there! KIM FOXX for Cook County State’s Attorney! Last I checked, Alvarez has a 33% lead. (which is sort of unimaginable to me unless you think about how a lot of shitty people probably think her handling of police shootings is great.) Having Foxx in there has the potential to make some really huge changes to how police violence and racially biased sentencing are handled in Cook County.
Re: the shirt–
It’s this:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Han_shot_first
Plus Hamilton.
HA! Never in a million years would I have understood this. Thank you for explaining jokes to me.
Ah! The Hamilton part was what I was missing. (Not from the USA, all US-history things are a mystery to me.)
Where do you go for good local politics news? I feel like even though I’m not a very new Chicagoan anymore I haven’t found a news-reading groove.
Oh man I actually read a lot of dnainfo.com because it’s pretty ultra-local, but I’m not exactly a policy wonk. Will reflect on this more! I have Google alerts set up for my candidates and my current alderman, too.
dnainfo is pretty fantastic.
Recent excellent workout tanks include:
mashup of Rosie the Riveter/Tifa from Final Fantasy 7
mashup of LOTR/Final Fantasy 7
black tank with text that reads “I walk to Mordor.”
My current favorite excellent work out shirt is “Annual Mordor Fun Run: One does not simply walk”
I need this.
Amazing! Congratulations! Sweet Hamilton shirt!
This week my husband was offered a tenure track job, in his field, at a school where he’ll be very happy teaching. This was literally the moment we’ve been waiting ten years for, and we’re completely over the moon.
Denver toasties, any tips? We’ll be moving there this summer?
congratulations!
Mazel tov!!
I used to live near Denver! The only tip I have is this: Don’t get put off by how awful everything in Colorado looks in the summer. It will be dry, and dusty, and hot, and it will look like a desert. But it’s a pretty awesome place to be. There’s lots of camping if you’re into that, there’s a pretty amazing Renaissance Festival in Larkspur, which is a shortish drive away, if you’re into that. OH OH AND EAT AT SNOOZE IT’S AMAZING.
Congratulations on the big move!
Congratulations to you both!! I have never been to Denver but I wish you all the best.
http://www.biowarestore.com/apparel/womens/ladies…
I don’t own this but just imagining that I might someday makes me feel like I could run a marathon while simultaneously fighting everyone who looks at me wrong (i have run 2 times in the past 2 weeks which, to be fair, is 2 times more than I ever thought I would run.)
i’ve actually slowed down while driving to compliment other ladies i see wearing N7 gear. idgaf about traffic that chick’s got n7 LEGGINGS ON
(one time i complimented a dude on his n7 shirt and he just shambled away awkwardly, so i guess this proves femshep to be the superior shep)
I have that tank and while I haven’t worn it often, I can attest to the fact that you feel totally badass while wearing it, even if you’re just doing boring core workouts in front of your TV while watching GBBO.
When I hit my next fitness milestone I have promised myself either a Mass Effect tank (I’d like one with the Spectre symbol) or an MCRN tank from The Expanse.
I swore I didn’t need more work out tops.
I was wrong.
Been showing up to work these past few weeks in my Business N7 Cardigan and have been feeling like a fucking boss whilst doing so: http://www.biowarestore.com/ladies-n7-cardigan-sw…
Damn I have literally nothing to do with the kidney donation thing but I am feeling SO GOOD ABOUT MYSELF right now just by proximity. <3 the Toast
Okay so my thread today is on point because I want to talk about how the Internet/technology is magic.
I am now in a WhatsApp group with the entirety of my dad’s side of the family. My uncles, my aunts, my cousins, my ultra Orthodox family. And they all live in Uruguay/Venezuela/Israel. So all of a sudden I’m in with my family making jokes about pronouncing “yo” and seeing pictures of my cousin’s kids and talking to these people I see maybe every five years. It makes me want to cry.
Toasties, how is the Internet magic for you?
I tend to move around a lot for my job and am really bad at catching feels in relationships that are supposed to be flings. Without Skype and other forms of video dates, I would not be able to date two of my current partners, and my life would be much sadder for it.
On Facebook my cousins and I have this “cousins book club” that isn’t really a book club, but we do randomly all read and talk about a book at the same time and since these are cousins I probably wouldn’t keep in contact with otherwise it makes me super happy that we can bond over books on occasion and it wouldn’t be possible without the interwebs.
the internet is regular magic to me but I think that this is a good reason to start making internet / media objects less technological and more baroque.
I found a thing on the internet to make a smart-mirror using two-way glass:
https://learn.adafruit.com/android-smart-home-mir…
and now I want to turn all of my kindles into scrying mirrors
Holy shit I need to make this
I have one of these with my dad’s entire side of the family! Most of us are in the US, but my dad’s sister moved to Israel when she was eighteen and she and her kids connect with us that way. It drives me a little crazy but really it is amazing.
My “The Internet is Magic” story (posted as a guest because it could clue some fellow commenters in to who I am) is:
I planned for more than a year to take a long road trip down Route 66 and to visit several national parks. It was something I’d always wanted to do, but had never had the nerve to just DO. So I finally planned it all out, quit my job, and got going.
Except 5 miles into driving down Route 66, still in the shadow of the Chicago skyline, another driver crossed the center line and hit me head-on at ~40 MPH and nearly totaled my car. A year of planning and it looked like I was done after 5 miles of driving. I got towed to a body shop, and they told me it would be at least a week, if not two, to repair the car. The entire Route 66 portion of the trip was only supposed to be two and a half weeks. I was heartbroken.
But then the Internet came to my rescue. I had a group of friends from Tumblr and Twitter who had been encouraging me all along, watching as I planned my route, and providing advice. After I posted on my travel blog about the accident, they all jumped into action. One of them, who lived in a Chicago suburb offered to let me stay there while the repairs were done. And by the time I had arrived at their house from the body shop, other internet friends had collectively donated more than $500 to help defray expenses. The trip was still cut way short, but to this day, I still have a hard time believing how much support I got from “strangers from the internet,” and I will never forget it.
I wouldn’t exactly call my ability to have Skype meetings with my adviser “magic,” but it is magic in the sense that it allowed me to move halfway across the country to be with my partner while still finishing my dissertation. It’s also had the nice side effect of removing me from department drama in a way that’s much better for my sanity.
When I was in high school, I had a webcomic that was basically just for me and my friends. It had a forum where some of us talked. One of the threads turned into kind of an ongoing stream-of-consciousness/proto-Twitter/slow-moving chatroom where the conversation just flowed from one topic to the next.
This thread has been going for over 13 years now. Well, the forum maxes threads out after 10,000 posts, so we’re technically on the 13th thread. Engagements and births and adoptions have been announced on this thing, and I absolutely credit it to how close I’ve remained with these friends.
This is amazing!
My wife and I know many of our closest friends thanks to forums for The West Wing back in the day, although the forums are long gone and we mostly communicate through texts and twitter now (and visits to each other, etc.).
How isn’t the Internet magic? Seriously, the Internet taught me how to cook. I used to be so afraid of screwing up that I could barely boil water for my Kraft Mac n’Cheese and now I make pizzas and pasta and any damn thing I please all by myself.
Selfish rambling about weight loss related mini breakdown/panic attack below the fold.
I’ve been losing weight since about 2012 I moved to Texas worked 8 hour shifts stocking shelves ate little because I was saving every penny to go back to school. I kinda plateaued eventually then maybe gained a little back when I started working at the door warehouse because it was a less active job and I had loosened my budget up quite a bit.
Then I moved to Albuquerque tightened my budget again and was working at target full time. Around September I started taking really long walks on my days off 10-20 miles. and then I got a fitbit and ended up averaging like 12 miles a day…
I thought, based off some historic rope-and-choke data that I was probably around 200. My goal was get down to about 190, get into the gym put on about 5-10 pounds of lean mass and spend the rest of my life hovering around 205.
Thinking I was getting close I bought a bathroom scale. It said 176. I put a 11 liter bucket of water on it and it said 10.7 kg, I put two 35ish lb cinder plocks on it and it said 65 so I think oh, okay it’s just off in a non linear fashion but I’m kinda freaking out so I walk to walgreens thinking they must have a scale there; No. I walk into a Bariatric Surgery clinic and ask “I’m sorry to waste you’re time but I’m having a bit of a panic attack… do you have a scale I could use?” Their scale says 175. And thats when I said thank you walked out and started crying.
So I’m 25 lb lighter than I thought I was and here’s where it stops be cohesive:
Do I have no idea what a 5’10” 175lb man looks like? Do I have worse body dysmorphia than I thought? I knew I had terrible self image but I thought I had a fairly realistic image of myself; I just was irrationally critical of that realistic image. How wrong was I?
I thought I’d be skinnier than this at 175. I don’t want to be 175 I wanted to be this size without the flappy stomach and I want to be 200 some odd pounds.
I haven’t weighed less than 200 pounds in at least 15 years, it’s part of my identity. Every physical act I’ve performed in the last 15 years has always had a certain subtext of fuck-you-bet-you-didn’t-think-I-could.
My self mythology is built partly on being kinda fat.
I don’t want to stop walking 12 miles a day I get a little masochistic thrill from going to bed with sore legs and it lets me listen to audio books for hours and hours and still feel vaguely productive but I really don’t want to be 175.
But I don’t not want to be? I’m kind of where I want to be volumetrically but I want flesh of lead, bones of iron, blood of mercury, being a heavy duty straight-six diesel tractor sort of human has been my goal for ages.
Christ I must have lost way more muscle mass than I thought I had.
This isn’t right. I’m not supposed to be 175.
And I have to have been under 200 for months now. And that means I’ve just been ugly for months now. I’m all torso and my mouth and eyes and ear are all too small for my head, and I have some significant moles, a combination awful-non-haircut/rapidly-balding, my right leg swells significantly everyday from what I hope is just varicose veins, I have terrible ski and a weak chin and just a general awkward physicality to the way I walk and hold myself. AND ALL OF THAT WAS FINE because I knew I was fat and no one bothers looking at the fat guy hard enough to notice all the rest of the flaws and that made it okay-ish, okay-er, for some reason.
I don’t know I just I spent about twenty minutes half assedly crying after I my weight was confirmed and I still don’t really have a grip on this.
I can’t even return the scale in good conscious for being defective now.
I’m so sorry you feel betrayed by your body/mind. You say you don’t want to stop walking so much, but have you considered looking into lifting weights instead/in addition? Your mention of awkward physicality prompts me to also mention a consultation with a sports therapist who can help you correct some body mechanics issues you might have before you start–that’ll help lessen the chance of an injury (I speak from experience here). But it sounds to me like you are looking for a way to be at peace with your body (even if actually liking it might seem impossible right now) and I found being physically strong is a great step in that direction. Good luck!
Weights are definitely in my future. I used to lift a lot in college (10-12 year ago now, jesus. I used to be able to do 10 really good pull ups when I weighed like 250). Right now I’m waiting for February to be over so I have more hours at work so I have more disposable-ish income and/or see if I get accepted to the local university for summer semester (and thus have access to the gym there). I know my own way around weights.
Have you ever heard an actor complain about not knowing what to do with their hands? Thats me with my entire body, thats kind of what I mean by awkward physicality.
Awesome! That’s super that you’re already comfortable around weights. Heck, that’s half the battle, IMO.
okay, first of all, internet hugs if you want them. This is hard stuff and I am sorry that you are going through this. You are not the only person to have difficulty recognizing or adjusting to a new reality for your body; it’s a pretty common phenomenon.
And now onto the possibly unsolicited advice, which you are welcome to ignore
I would encourage you to see a doctor about your leg, just in case.
Beyond that, I would second CleverManka’s suggestion about lifting. Maybe work with a trainer for a bit if you can afford to, to set up a plan to help you meet your goals. If you can’t afford a trainer, certainly there are entire communities on the Internet dedicated to helping people gain muscle mass (though of course the quality of advice varies).
Also maybe a nutritionist, just to make sure that you are getting adequate calories and nutrients (my doctor’s office has a nutritionist on staff, yours might as well).
I also really like yoga – it challenges me, it helps me feel more connected to my body, it helps me feel strong, it helps me feel graceful (whether or not I actually am), it helps me balance my other workouts, it just makes me feel better in general. You can still end up with sore muscles (we had a really intense class a while back and my quads hurt for DAYS), but you can also use it to complement the walking and stretch out those muscles so they will keep doing what you want.
To echo CleverManka again, I would encourage you to try to focus on the things your body can do over how it looks. I feel like you are probably not as ugly as you think you are, but regardless, you have a body that can reliably walk 12 miles a day, which is pretty impressive!
You and I met IRL, in Austin, before you moved to NM. I had a favorable impression of you. How I saw you and how you see yourself, according to your typing here today, do not match. Body dysmorphia is possible.
You are smart, funny, kind, and good looking. You deserve to feel good. Sincere Toastwishes for improved health (body and mind).
Oh man, that is rough. I am so sorry you are going through this.
What you said about “Do I have no idea what a 5’10” 175lb man looks like?” really resonated with me. When I was in school and would have to give my height and weight for uniform sizing, I actually got called out by a teacher once or twice who said I was lying about my weight. And I had to say, no, look, this is what a lady of my height and weight looks like, I’m sorry if you think that’s wrong. (And then they ordered the wrong size anyway because they were so sure they were right and I was wrong.) Bodies are weird! When I get weird dysmorphia I spend some time browsing mybodygallery.com, which is about this exactly (they also have mybodygalleryformen.com) and sorting by my weight, and then my pants size, and looking at all the different ways bodies can be roughly the same mass as mine. It doesn’t always make me like myself any better, but it puts it in perspective.
I have struggled since childhood with weight and body image. There were times when it was so severe I could not leave my house because someone might see me, and that would be the worst thing that could happen. I found, at my healthiest, it had little to do with appearance or my perception of my appearance but when I was able to make activity choices and food choices that supported my feeling of being strong and inhabiting my own body with the entirety of my Self, if that makes sense.
I am so sorry you are in pain. I wish you healing. Keep reaching out and looking for answers and working out this conundrum. You will find them.
Toasties! Who else lives in Europe? I’m in Prague
Leamington Spa, UK!
Cambs, UK!
British girl in Amsterdam reporting for duty!
I do, but nowhere near Prague 🙁
I’m grumpy and in the mood to complain. What are your most petty annoyances? The tiny ones where it’s not worth it to actually try to get them addressed and they’re actually pretty easy to live with but still make you grumble?
I have 2. Firstly, my office only orders off-brand office supplies. Non-sharpie sharpies are just not as good as real sharpies. Secondly, my neighbor’s neighbor has an incredibly bright flood light that stays on all day and night. I finally got blackout curtains.
I have ten thousand of these complaints, and they are mostly related to riding mass transit. For example, I become irrationally angry when faced with a handful of aisle-standers who WILL NOT move past halfway back of the bus.
Uggghhh yes! And the people who don’t take their backpacks off on the bus! I want to kick them in the shins.
And people who talk on the bus. Like just to the bus at large. No one wants to hear your talking dude, we all just want to quietly inhabit our little spaces and get to where we’re going. Just shut your mouth.
Ha this is how I feel on the train. How do people just… talk so much? How do the same people carry on an hour and fifteen minute phone call every day?
I once was doomed to overhear an in-depth phone conversation about the speaker’s thong underwear, and what her boyfriend thought of them, and how other people in her family did not approve of them, and where she bought them and what color and size they were, and what shape they made on her butt. She was still talking when I got out. NO ONE wants to know, not even the person you are talking to, lady. Just shut your mouth.
YES ARGH.
I was on a packed train the other day and a man standing next to me kept yawning, without covering his mouth at all, so that his stale breath walloped me in the face. I hate him.
UGH, same. A woman on my morning bus has the loudest speaking voice I have ever heard. She usually sits at the front, and even when I’m in the back I can hear her loudly proclaiming to her seatmate about her weekend plans, or the thing her husband said, or whatever. Can’t deal.
Also: people eating chips in an otherwise quiet office. >:(
And people who will not stand to the side of the platform to let you get off the train before they get on. It’s both annoying and counterproductive. You can’t walk right through me!
Every day I find myself loathing a large segment of my fellow commuters. Stop smacking your chewing gum/listening to really loud music/letting your knees and elbows splay over onto the seat next to you/standing right in from of the door/standing on the wrong side of the escalator, please.
My partner has no sense of pitch and always sings or whistles out of tune. (The whistling is even worse – he basically has two notes, one higher and one lower, and he just switches between the two.) He also really loves to sing/whistle along to songs, so I get to hear this a lot.
I know I shouldn’t rag him for it, because he’s just enjoying himself, and he never had any music classes (THANKS, CHICAGO PUBLIC SCHOOLS), but as someone who’s a trained musician and in a choir it drives me BANANAS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
Noooooooooo!!! Been there, broke up with that. (Bad singing was not the reason, insisting that the singing was good was a part of the reason though.)
Partner knows he knows nothing about music, but he likes the songs, so he sings anyway. I do things that drive him batty, I know (e.g. I’m really really bad about putting things away after I’m done using them), so it’s just one of those things that I put up with because he’s worth it.
All the humans in the world who have super-super-bright blue-white headlights in their cars, thus blinding me every time I need to drive at night. Why is this even legal??
YES! What is WITH those? I thought it was maybe something wrong with my eyes or something because nobody else seems bothered but I can barely drive at night thanks to the blindness caused by those lights from the oncoming lane.
Yes! And I hate it even more when they’re behind me in some huge SUV with those lights and they shine RIGHT into my rear-view mirror.
Oh, I was getting so worried about my eyesight too with the blue-white headlights – just two years ago, I was regularly driving in the wee hours of the morning just fine, but now driving in the evening is just awful. There might be something wrong with my eyes, but I’m certain it’s the new abundance of those damned headlights that’s the real problem. You can’t possibly adapt to the dark if there’s a constant stream of poorly aimed blue-white lights going on.
Yeeeesss my entire LIFE is made up of being mad at other people for stupid things!!! My current hugest pet peeve is when people are listening to headphones but the music is so loud that you can still hear it!! I was on the train the other day and I could hear the music of someone at least six seats away!
staples that are not stapled at a precise diagonal to the corner! the worst!
I…. hope you are kidding?
ETA: because obviously it’s only acceptable when the staples are parallel to the top edge.
It’s gotta be either one or the other, though. People who just staple wherever all willy-nilly make my teeth grind.
No, parallel to the side!
The thing that throws me into an irrational rage every day are the people who tailgate me as I’m trying to turn into my apartment complex when they have an entire other lane off to their left that they could switch into to go as fast as they want (and I’ve signalled far in advance that I’m turning). I’ve started slowing down even more than necessary just to troll these impatient fucks.
I enjoy tailgaters. Because they are threatening my life, I have approval from the Universe to fuck with them.
When a tailgater has no excuse for threatening my life (clear lane to the left, no exits to the right in the next mile, etc.), I step on the clutch and coast. If there are no truckers or motorcyclists behind us, I continue coasting until reaching a ridiculously low speed or until my tailgater begins to pass, whichever comes first. Then I pop into a low gear and floor it, accelerating away from that asshole quickly and efficiently.
That sudden distance between us gives the asshole something to think about. Or gives their passenger the chance to say, “I told you not to tailgate.”
Then I watch them in the rear view mirror, daring them to tailgate again. They often do. Idiots. Giving me another chance to fuck with them.
One of my biggest (and most minor) pet peeves is when people confuse ‘nerd’ to mean ‘geek’ & vice versa. While the definitions of both words – especially ‘geek’ – have evolved over time, they still have two very different meanings! One is not the other! GAH.
Give me your definitions please! My boyfriend and I agree they mean different things but we disagree on which is which. I need to know who is right.
You are correct. Boyfriend is wrong. I don’t even know your stance, but I am certain you are right. Because you are very, very Toast. You may quote me to Boyfriend.
You are charming and in very fine form today. May the universe bless you with the most perfect cookie that has ever existed, delivered by an exquisitely trained unicorn valet.
The easiest defining characteristic is what geeks talk about vs what nerds talk about! Geeks can bring up obscure media references in daily conversation, while nerds err to the side of technical jargon. Geeks are passionate about media and hobbies eg. Harry Potter, Skyrim, coin collecting. Nerds are singularly passionate about academic or technical topics eg. astrophysics, transportation, art history.
Oooooobviously there’s crossover & a person can be shades of both, but that’s the simple division!
This isn’t even mind to address, but my neighbors have one lamp in their house which is daylight colors while all of the other ones are soft white and I really wish they would fix it because it’s just so unpleasant looking in that room at night.
This annoyance is nothing compared to the neighbor that had two different color temperatures of bulb in one up/down outdoor fixture. Just, why?
People who do clever knocks on my office door. Just do knock-knock-knock. It’s not a speakeasy.
– People who knock on my office door, hear me say “come in,” and so they open it, but then hover halfway in my office with their back to me while they carry on a conversation with someone in the hallway.
– People who needlessly hold the elevator for an infinite number of people. There are a lot of elevators in my building, and there are only ~13 floors, I think? You can wait 15 seconds for the next elevator. There is nothing more annoying to me than having the doors almost close, someone sticks a hand in, then the doors almost close again, and the same dude sticks his hand out again to hold the doors for random people on the other side of the lobby who are walking slo-o-o-o-o-ly towards the elevator bank. (Etiquette is different where the balance of elevators/floors is different or the elevators are annoyingly slow or whatever. But that’s not my building–we happen to have an overabundance of elevators and an underabundance of floors.)
We have the same neighbor apparently I HATE THAT FLOOD LIGHT.
Also, and I know they can’t help it, they’re just so excited to see their people, but my neighbors have the LOUDEST dogs in the world, and every evening at like 5:30pm, it’s just this loud, barking party.
When I’m riding my bike to/from work, I’m irrationally cross at the cyclists who jump red lights, even though it doesn’t affect me. They’re in the minority but I hate them because a) they give motorists etc. more reasons to bash cycling when it’s already a struggle to counter misperceptions, and b) they’re nearly always the super-slow person who you end up continually overtaking before they trundle past you at the next light.
I also have an abiding loathing of people who break into random song in public.
Street buskers that use amplifiers. WE’RE NOT IN A STADIUM.
For about the last year there has been a weird humming sound in my street and I cannot work out exactly where it’s coming from. Sometimes it is louder than other times, and it’s particularly annoying in summer because I want to have the window open but it makes it hard to sleep (I find noise really intrusive). It is really annoying, and makes me feel like I’m going mad because my boyfriend can’t hear it most of the time (and presumably whoever lives in the house its emanating from isn’t bothered).
Have you ever read a book where, like, a character is a jerk in the exact ways you are a jerk? I’ve been rereading Middlemarch lately, and Dorothea is a monster in the exact ways that my college-self was. Like, this quote STILL STINGS because IT ME.
“Most men thought her bewitching when she was on horseback. She loved the fresh air…she felt that she enjoyed riding in a pagan sensuous way, and always looked forward to renouncing it.”
Who has a literary jerk they relate to? I want to know!
Lucy Snowe: weaponized invisibility and frustrating withholding of pertinent personal info.
YES
Just read Villette and I am LITERALLY EVERYONE: Lucy Snowe, Ginevra Fanshawe, the painting of Cleopatra that M. Emanuel thinks is scandalous. But mostly Ginevra, who is a giant dirtbag and only cares about having lots of male attention and money. It me.
WHOA, jinx!!
Ugh. I re-read the Great Gatsby a few years ago and realized why I hated it the first time I read it–Jay Gatsby’s character hit way too close to home for college me. Moreso the chip-on-the-shoulder need to impress people who I considered my social betters and obsessive behavior towards a person who was thoughtless and careless. Less with the crazy partying and murder cover-ups.
Oh, that moment when I first read this passage and realized that I was kind of a morally immature egomaniac, even if I meant well!!
“Her mind was theoretic, and yearned by its nature after some lofty conception of the world which might frankly include the parish of Tipton and her own rule of conduct there; she was enamoured of intensity and greatness, and rash in embracing whatever seemed to her to have those aspects; likely to seek martyrdom, to make retractations, and then to incur martyrdom after all in a quarter where she had not sought it.”
Sometimes I worry I’m halfway to growing up to being Mrs. Touchett from Portrait of a Lady.
“Mrs. Touchett was certainly a person of many oddities, of which her behaviour on returning to her husband’s house after many months was a noticeable specimen. She had her own way of doing all that she did, and this is the simplest description of a character which, although by no means without liberal motions, rarely succeeded in giving an impression of suavity. Mrs. Touchett might do a great deal of good, but she never pleased. This way of her own, of which she was so fond, was not intrinsically offensive — it was just unmistakeably distinguished from the ways of others. The edges of her conduct were so very clear-cut that for susceptible persons it sometimes had a knife-like effect.”
IT MEEEE
I started writing that I was like Emma, then decided I didn’t actually share her flaws at all and simply couldn’t come up with any characters at all whose flaws I share…so I came back to say, yup. Emma. Also fuck Jane Fairfax. No reason. Just, ya know, because, ugh, isn’t she so annoying for no reason? There are many reasons I’m *not* like Emma, but she would say that, wouldn’t she…
I started writing that I was like Emma, then decided I didn’t actually share her flaws at all and simply couldn’t come up with any characters at all whose flaws I share…so I came back to say, yup. Emma. this is my favourite
I’ve always felt like I weirdly relate to the jerkier elements of Mr. Darcy??? Like in the way that, if I ever ended up actually liking anyone I would be a TOTALLY SUPERIOR douche about it.
I was just about to say him. A lot of people say I come off as a misanthropic snob (which I think is kind of unwarranted given that they usually cite reading books and liking movies in a non Tarantino way (I think I’m completely normal but this is high school in middle america)). I’m arrogant in the same way Darcy is.
I’ve always felt like I get both Darcy and Elizabeth’s jerkiness.
Like, I have had to learn to BE SMILEY and FUN when meeting new folks or else you can be branded a stick in the mud. I get Mr. Darcy, and feel a certain level of like, resting bitch face sympathy.
Lizzie, however, I get on a SPIRITUAL level for her love of holding grudges against people, acting like it’s a funny jokey thing!, but still nurturing that grudge in completely unhealthy ways.
(parts of) Gwendolen Harleth from Daniel Deronda, especially when she mocks people to their faces and doesn’t realise they realise 🙁
Also like Gwedolen, I feel I would be very good at being rich, and I probs would’ve ignored Lydia Glasher and married Grandcourt anyway. Unlike Gwendolen, I am no good at archery, which shocked me when I first discovered it.
I see a lot of myself in Amy Dunne, whiiiiiiiiiich?
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE IS A HERO AND THOSE MEN ALL DESERVED WHAT THEY GOT.
Relatedly, Serena Pemberton (in the novel, NOT the terrible movie) is exactly the kind of horrific person I would want to be if I were a horrific person.
To be fair, she does say a lot of very reasonable things! Particularly the line about “easy to like” not being a really great thing, because who wants to be liked by just anybody?
I have realised this on the…second or third reread of Tam Lin by Pamela Dean. The main character Janet is suuuch a snob in so many of the ways I am (and totally bitchy about her perfectly nice roommate, argh Janet stop showing me my flaws! I want to be the nice one!)
We love that book and have read it to pieces!
Camilla Macauley, a lot. Cersei Lannister, more than I want to admit.
Not a literary character, but Mavis from Young Adult, the movie. I felt uncomfortable watching her, but then so did my two friends who saw it with me, so it’s probably not that unusual.
i just finished my brilliant friend and lenú. being secondary and competitive and not even deserving the few breaks in life you get. disdaining those and wanting others. always wanting a particular kind of closeness. being resentful. trying too hard for the wrong things. not noticing something and then once she does it’s gone and she never wanted it anyway and.
just a lot, really.
EDNA PONTELLIER
The Awakening shook me to my very core because I was reading a book about MYSELF (though I was only 16 so I’m not sure how I felt that was possible exactly) and it was just overwhelming.
Then I went in to my English class and during discussion the girl I admired most said, “I really don’t like Edna. She’s horrible. She’s so capricious and insecure.”
I was devastated. I remember few things from when I was 16, but that is one of them.
(I still am capricious and insecure, too, but now I own that shit.)
I identify with Eugene Onegin! D:
Probably none of my friends would say that I’m like him, but it’s all the spoiled privileged inner thoughts and ennui. Probably most of his friends didn’t know he was a jerk inside either (until he crossed the line into dueling offenses).
Plus he’s capable of faking politeness and charm. But he really just wants to be alone and think about how unbearable his rich aimless life is. I want to grab him and shake him.
I identify with Tatiana! A lot! So… how YOU doing? I guess?
Is your sister around
You won’t even care in a few years when I’m rebuffing you like the fucking princess I am!
I don’t even care now.
Actually I identify with Tatiana too, because I have felt that way (unrequited love for a newcomer who showed up and just seemed AMAZING and so cool and talented and handsome, only for him to fall for my friend instead. At least I didn’t embarrass myself too much.) Poor Tatiana! She was way too good for him. I bet she ends up being happy in life, because she is good and she wills it to be happy.
I would never actually be as horrible as he was. It’s mostly in the non-romantic aspects I identify with him, though I feel guilty where he probably doesn’t.
She does end up happy! I mean… she ends up hot and rich, so that’s happiness, right?!
Absolutely! In a raspberry dress! If that’s not happiness, then what is?
Do you like the Ralph Fiennes movie? That was my first exposure to the story (apart from just knowing the plot via Tchaikovsky) so I’m very fond of it. Plus I just love Ralph Fiennes. But then I read the book and I love it too.
WHAT
A RALPH FIENNES MOVIE???
BE STILL MY HEART OMG
I would die for that man. I had no idea such a film existed. HOLY SHIT.
Okay I just looked this up and I am still going to watch it and swoon and die but why is the Olga/Tatiana casting exactly opposite of what it should be?
Yay! I hope you enjoy it! It’s also the first time I saw … oh you know, cute whats-his-name, Maggie Smith’s son. Toby Stephens.
I forget how Olga and Tatiana are supposed to look. Is it looks you mean?
Also it’s directed by Martha Fiennes and music is by another Fiennes! Magnus? Fienneses all around.
I love Dorothea. She wants to Do Good! She is uptight and self-satisfied, and I relate to her too much.
“She is uptight and self-satisfied, and I relate to her too much.” Welp, there’s my biography in a sentence.
George Eliot thread? I am about 2/3 of the way through my second read of Daniel Deronda, because I wasn’t quite emotionally prepared for a third go with Middlemarch. And I really, really want to write some Daniel/Mordecai slash fiction now.
^ That is some impressive timing.
This website, man.
ALL MIDDLEMARCH, ALL THE TIME
Ha, I’m not the only one who had that thought about Daniel and Mordecai!
Toasties! What music has everyone been listening to this week?
After erring for a long time, and thinking Hamilton probably wasn’t for me based on a half-hearted listen to the first few songs when the cast recording came out, I sat down and listened to it all the way through this weekend. I have not been able to stop since. There’s been laughter, tears, and a frankly embarrassing amount of lip-syncing (so far only in my room, but it’s taken a lot of willpower to stop myself from doing the same on the street.) How lucky we are to be alive right now, when such beautiful things are being written.
There’s a million things I haven’t done. Just you wait. Just you wait <- I feel like this has become my motto and I’m thinking I’m going to build a display in my library around this quote for commencement week.
I have been listening to Hamilton on permanent repeat for the past oh four weeks? 😀
Other than Hamilton (of course), I’ve been on a Sufjan Stevens kick lately. I find his music so soothing.
I have had Hamilton on a non-stop (sorry) loop since November and have recently added Beyonce into the mix. No other music makes sense to me right now.
Grimes’s newest is amazing
Hello I bought it last night and I think I will become this person very soon. I am excited and terrified.
Hamilton is basically EVERYTHING I’ve been listening to for the past 2 months, but a couple days ago I discovered Amanda Palmer’s Bowie tribute ( https://t.co/6hfV7A6G9t ) and it’s. Just. Aghh
I somehow got linked to Death Team, a Swedish dance pop duo that has mad ridic lyrics. I can’t decide if it’s annoying or just really catchy. Their best song is Fucking Bitches in the Hood, but Dolphin Style is great: https://youtu.be/SFalCPji7uk
SPEAKING OF TOASTPALS, I’m going to San Francisco next week, 5% because I’ve never been, 15% to escape the freezing wasteland I call home, and 80% to see my friends who live in the area, all of whom I met here! 😀 😀 😀
It is going to be SO GREAT.
WE ARE GONNA HAVE SO MUCH FUN
Tonight I’m going out with a group of crones of Various Preferences for tacos and a Melissa Ferrick show. This is the most lesbian thing I’ve ever done, methinks.
Do any other Toasties use (play?) Habitica? I’ve found it stupidly helpful in getting me to do just basic hygienic things that my depressed brain tells me don’t matter (brushing my teeth! taking my makeup off!) or general chores that I don’t feel like doing (putting away laundry! cleaning the litter box!).
Habitica! Yes! I use it to log a-drawing-a-day, and meditating, and seeing if the plants need watering. It’s been surprisingly efficacious so far.
Yes, there’s a guild called Toastrons! I myself joined a little over a year ago and it immediately changed my entire fucking life. I’ve been on an extended hiatus due to reasons but am planning to come back after my vacation next week.
What! brb, joining that immediately.
Yay! the Toastrons will be happy to see you back!
What there is a guild I might need to join this immediately and forsake all my other guilds
There’s a Toastrons guild? Joining!
Wow, I haven’t used Habitica before but it sounds really useful from looking at the website. But I would be afraid of joining a group! What if I let everybody down? What happens to the guild when someone slacks off or just quits logging in?
I want to know this too, because I’d like to join but I don’t want everyone to hate me if I don’t log in or slack off.
Yes, it is great! Recommend emphatically.
There’s also a party! We do quests. It’s great.
Yay penguins! 😀
wow, this sounds great, thanks for sharing!
I feel like I should save that for the day when I finally get a smartphone. Anything to get me to do the dishes before they start walking away on their own.
Ok, joining right now. A weekly gathering at my house makes me keep most of my chores under control but SADbrain is wrecking havoc.
Bay Area Toasties! Join our facebook group, come to brunch on February 20th in San Jose, and start planning more events! Should we steal Chicago’s cookbook meetup idea?
Ooooh!
Yay bay area toasties! I’d be down for cookbook meetups.
Whoa! So happy this exists!
The cookbook club idea is literally something I have wanted to do since I heard of the idea. I vote yes!
so many dreams come true!
I DID IT YOU GUYS, I PASSED THE NCLEX!
I’m a real nurse!!
So many congratulations to you!!!!!!!
Congratulations!
CONGRATULATIONS that is AMAZING and you are AMAZING and I am hugging you from over here!
That’s awesome! Well done you!
People bellowing “NURSE!” might now be bellowing at you!
Nurses are superheroes! Congratulations and thank you for your hard work. I can’t imagine tending to annoying patients like me.
I just yipped in excitement for you! I have known many nurses, and it is a tough profession that is undervalued. I am so excited for you and proud of you! Right on!
YAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!
SUPER GREAT NEWS! Congrats and welcome. 🙂 🙂
My dude and I have been brainstorming up a Mad Max pen and paper RPG, and it is so, so much fun to discuss on our morning commute, usually because we’re both half asleep and all our ideas basically end with fire and blood.
I made a wordpress for it, if anyone wants to check it out: Die Historic! Admittedly there’s not much there… but hey, it makes us happy.
this is very interesting. Is it going to be a game about just being a person in the wilderness, or is it (/ also is it) going to focus on having vehicles, too? There are a couple of interesting systems for building and playing vehicle-based games, I would be interested to see that.
actually now I am super-interested in this idea, like how you could maybe go about making a game where people are driving cars every turn, and how you have to take things like weight, speed, and chassis into account when you make turns or sideswipe each other or something, PLEASE CONTINUE WITH UPDATES.
Hey thank you so much for your feedback!
I 10000% want vehicles but I was definitely thinking about them in a much more simplistic manner. You brought up some awesome ideas that I’m now going to steal.
Any recommendations for vehicle-based games, by the way? I’d love to take a look at how other people deal with the mechanics of them!
well, I know Steve Jackson games made a car dueling game like that; that was a card game, but cards might be an interesting way to hybridize it (the way Deadlands is)
sorry here is that Steve Jackson one
http://www.sjgames.com/car-wars/cardgame/
Yay Toastie kidney donor and recipient! ♥
In the wildlife sanctuaries of literature, we study the species of speech, the flight patterns of individual words, the herd behavior of words together, and we learn what language does and why it matters. This is excellent training for going out into the world and looking at all the unhallowed speech of political statements and news headlines and CDC instructions and seeing how it makes the world or in this case makes a mess of it. It is the truest, highest purpose of language to make things clear and help us see; when words are used to do the opposite you know you’re in trouble and that maybe there’s a coverup.
Detective work and the habits of perception it generates can save us from believing lies and sometimes show us who’s being protected when a lie is also an alibi. The CDC is right to warn about the dangers of misusing alcohol, if not in how it did so. I am myself trying to warn about the misuses of language. We are all language detectives, and if we pay enough attention we can figure out what things mean even when they don’t mean to tell us, and we can even tell when stories are lying to us. So many of them do.
I may be in love with Rebecca Solnit. http://lithub.com/rebecca-solnit-the-case-of-the-…
“I wish all this telling women alcohol is dangerous was a manifestation of a country that loves babies so much it’s all over lead contamination from New Orleans to Baltimore to Flint and the lousy nitrate-contaminated water of Iowa and carcinogenic pesticides and the links between sugary junk food and a host of health conditions and the need for universal access to healthcare and daycare and good and adequate food. You know it’s not. It’s just about hating on women.”
Oof. Damn.
So, I’ve been debating doing this, but anyway. It’s American Heart Month, which I think is a great time to remind everyone (women especially) to work on their heart health. We still tend to assume that heart disease only happens to old white men (thanks, Eliquis commercials). It doesn’t. I had to have open heart surgery when I was 28. Mine was an extreme case, but there is always something you can be doing to improve your heart and keep it going.
So anyway. I don’t want to sound too infomercial-y, but if anyone has any questions on stats/symptoms/risk factors/what have you I’d be happy to field them. I’m only an expert on myself (sometimes it feels like not even then), but I CAN try to get you to the right source at least. Or if you have questions about surgery and life after (mechanical heart valves? LOUD AS HELL, which no one warned me about at all). Or if you want to share your own experiences.
Let’s talk about hearts!
(btw the kidney news has me in a puddle of emotions as well. you guys are amazing.)
Aaaah, you are amazing. Not sure I have any specific questions for you, but I think it’s really important for women to talk about their symptoms (of anything, really) because, as we’ve explored time and again on this lovely site, women’s symptoms often get ignored, or not researched, or dismissed.
So I guess: What was the tipping point for your symptoms (ie, what happened to make your doctors go WHOA, if that’s how it happened?)
Ok, so one of the things that happened with me is that I had a birth defect diagnosed when I was seven. Way back then, my parents and I were told that it was minor and I grew up assuming that it was just something I would live with. What I did not understand until 20 years later was that the birth defect was actually causing a totally separate and much more dangerous issue. So for almost 30 years I lived with increasing symptoms that I HAD NO IDEA WERE SYMPTOMS OF ANYTHING. That part still freaks me out. Until I was better, I didn’t know I was sick.
Symptoms for me included: shortness of breath (I chalked it up to weight), fatigue (ditto), poor circulation (my skin literally changed color after surgery), and frequent headaches. My big tipping point was a headache that lasted for a month solid. It was the most excruciating thing I had ever experienced and I didn’t have health insurance (part of why it took so long to figure things out, I think), but I finally went to a walk-in clinic and it was actually the nurse there who said hey, I’m hearing something strange in your heart, you might want to get it checked out.
One thing I tell everyone is that you not only have to be aware of what your body is telling you, you have to be firm with your doctor so that you get the right care. When I finally got a GP I asked her immediately for an ultrasound of my heart and she looked at me like I was insane. It was only when the results of that came back that she said….ok, I think we need a CAT scan. Which progressed into…we need an MRI and a cardiologist. If I hadn’t been firm I might never have gotten the care I needed.
Loud? Like, you can hear it??
I can totally hear it. It sounds like there’s a watch embedded in my chest.
Since I’ve had the thing for almost two years now I’ve gotten a bit better at tuning it out, but when everything else is quiet it’s like living in a steampunk nightmare.
What a great topic to introduce, thank you! My family are a bunch of heart attack monsters, so I am extremely excited for my medi-Cal to finally find me here in my new home and allow me to get cholesterol tests and see what I can do to improve my odds. I’m 46 and my mom died at 52, so it can’t help but loom a bit. But I hope to live well and still eat the occasional bear claw.
3 things:-
1. A fucking kidney. Damn, that’s the best thing ever.
2. I need to say THANK YOU MALLORY for the excellent Prudie advice you gave to the asexual lady yesterday (link for any Toasties who didn’t read yet http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/… ). This really feeds into my issues. My aunt and soon-to-be-ex-sister-in-law have been especially snarky about my obvious lack of love life and I’ve been terrified to say “well actually I’m asexual so stop talking about biological clocks and meeting the right guy to settle down with” because of all the extra snark that will engender. Mallory’s answer has made me a little less reluctant to just say something next time it comes up.
3. Aagh on the internet in a safe space: I’ve had a headache for over a week. Went to the optician- nope, don’t need new glasses. So it’s either feel like someone’s drilling into my head and try to focus on whatever I need to at work or take even more co-codamol and be entirely spaced out until I can get a GP appointment. Attempting not to think that I’ve got a brain tumour (which I know is a total drama queen thought but still, it’s there). Right, done.
It might be a sinus-related headache? Not sure where you live but because the weather in the East Coast/US has been abnormally warm this year and the mold/spore situation hasn’t been able to freeze over for a long period of time, those with even a tinge of allergies and/or sinus issues are suffering majorly.
I’m in London, baby! (UK, not Ontario). I don’t think it’s sinus related, but who knows.
I just phoned my GP’s surgery and the surly receptionist gave me an appointment on Tuesday (apparently the only way to see anyone within about a month is to be worried but not angry and tell them you think you’re dying, but maybe not).
I’ll stop talking about me now… 😀
Wow, that Prudie letter was so me I had to do a double take. Asexuality is not something I generally talk about much because a) the people I have brought it up with start treating me like a child who doesn’t know any better, b) it’s still something I’m working my way through, but mostly c) I don’t happen to think it’s anyone’s damn business, but it’s getting to a point where I think my mom is actually *hoping* I’m a secret lesbian.
I’d like to alert you all the existence of a tv series called “Filthy Cities.” It’s just about how cities used to be much grosser and dirtier than they are now, and the host is both handsome and earnest. Given the love for Bill Bryson’s “At Home” and general related topics, I felt it was my duty to alert everyone.
My partner and I watched all of them last winter! They’re fantastic. Especially the one about London I think where he just straight butchers a pig and then talks about all the different ways the meat would get contaminated. I’m so grateful to be living in the future (and to be a vegetarian!).
Pretty sure I watched a few of these with my former housemate and we devolved into cracking up at the host’s pronunciation and frequent use of the word “poo.” Gross and great in equal measure.
I spend a whole lot of time, when I watch period pieces, imagining pooping in a chamber pot and what sex would be like on a mouse-filled straw mattress. Needless to say, this is right up my alley.
This kind of thing fascinates me! I’ve read many books about 19th- early 20th c. domestic service in the UK and the US, and about how basically *everything* needed to be scrubbed daily because of all the coal dust. (Like the front steps of the houses).
I went to a museum in Pittsburgh once, where they showed a photo of the city (during the peak of their industrial era) at 1 pm in the afternoon– it was practically pitch black, because of all the air pollution.
When I lived in downtown Cleveland, there was still one active steel plant left (out of the dozen or so that used to be there). It smelled so awful I couldn’t imagine living there 40-50 years ago.
Ahhhh hello safe space! I would very much like to believe that I am above Valentine’s Day angst, especially as I’ve never been particularly inclined toward big romantic gestures & am currently pretty comfortable with my single person life & generally more emotionally balanced than my younger self. AND it’s a 3-day weekend full of satisfying chores and fun plans with friends.
But I’ve had some pretty crappy valentines in the past and I’m feeling a little angsty this year, man. I’m eager for it to pass.
Valentine’s is a weird one. I don’t begrudge anyone their day of happy relationshippyness, but the expected behaviour of single people really pisses me off – apparently I should either be weeping and moping or all YAY SINGLE GIRL POWER STONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN, and I am neither of those things! It’s just a day… This year I’ll be at work at the museum all day, and fortunately my museum is about miserable social history (single mothers and their foundling children) so I think I’ll be safe there?
If you want to talk I am here 🙂
Yeah I feel a weird amount of pressure to have like a STANCE on Valentine’s Day this year (even the coupled people I was talking to last night were like, you know what we do on Valentine’s Day? NOTHING! YEAH! HIGH FIVE! Like, cool guys but your aggressive loathing belies zero chill). I just want to… not.
PROBABLY the issue is just that I’m in an undefined situation with someone who I like a bunch but isn’t really available (for life reasons not other relationship reasons) and while I’m mostly fine with that for the moment, the whole inescapable “formal celebration of true love” deal is making me feel less than fine. (Also, last year at this time the person I was seeing gave me fancy chocolates and then dumped me. I guess Valentine’s Day just does not allow for middle ground.)
Toasts. This Friday has been a real kick in the pants so far. Woke up feeling kind of sick, discovered my car battery was dead. Got a jump from my wife. Stopped on the way to work for breakfast and turned off my car before realizing what I was doing – dead again. Got another jump from my far too kind wife, then had to have the battery replaced ($100+ I really don’t have), and then almost got hit by a car in the parking lot when I finally got to work.
Ugh. You suck so far, Friday.
I got to say, as a person who has donated a kidney in the past, you should do it if you can. Everyone should do it. It does not directly impact your life in basically any way, and the list of people who need kidneys is long.
Give away your kidneys if it’s a thing that you can do, friends!
I think the only way you can be worse off for donating a kidney is if you are in a physical accident which is of a force and location so as to damage your remaining kidney, but not forceful enough to kill you. So: pretty remote!!
yeah they do recommend that if you play sports where you can hurt your remaining kidney, you wear extra pads on that side. but that’s the only thing!
Have a kidney? GIVE A KIDNEY.
when I donated my kidney i learned that a shockingly high percentage of people — they estimate maybe as much as 20% — have only got one kidney to begin with. No one knows for sure, because it doesn’t really make a difference, and unless you have a kidney disease or get gorily murdered or something, no one actually bothers to check.
So I would say only give a kidney if you’re sure you have two.
This is sensible advice.
Just don’t get over-enthusiastic and give away both. 🙂
I realise you are not saying this just to get praise, but you are an excellent person for donating a kidney!
Can you do it if you’re oldish? Like 40s?
Should be okay–my friend did.
Jack Donaghy would be so proud.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNbn2HMgYFo
Nicole, How can you say the Link Round ups are pointless, when you have created a community that has literally saved someone’s life? With the Toast I have found my people. This is the best place on the internet and off the internet too.
I work from home and the last few times I’ve gone on a business trip by far the hardest part was having to wear a bra.
Apparently I am no longer bra-adapted. I don’t know how to come back from this besides forcing myself to wear a bra when I don’t really need to wear one which I seem incapable of doing.
I feel your pain. I’ve been working from home and mostly leaving to go do a work trade at a yoga studio, so I’ve become basically allergic to pants with buttons and underwire bras.
I bought a bralet a few months ago, thinking I would just wear it at home because bras are so painful for me. But now I wear it to work every day, despite the fact that it provides no support. Bras give me the worst shoulder pain. I’ve had less shoulder/neck pain the last few months than at any point in my adult life. Not wearing a real bra worked better than physical therapy. I’m never going back.
i think it’s worth trying a bunch of them. there are lots of no-wire/no-hard-parts bras that provide just enough coverage and shape that you can feel good about going out in them, and not feel awful all day. i have a handful of these for times when i’m in home-lounge-wear but have houseguests, and such.
I’ve never been bra adapted. 🙁 Last night I had therapy right after work, then dinner and theatre, and while it was all good I hated that I didn’t get a chance to take my bra off at all between 8 am and 11 pm. And I wear one every day pretty much, and yes they are ones I got actually fitted.
I am very jealous, as I’m one of those people who basically has to wear a bra 24/7 for physical comfort except while bathing.
I also work from home part time, and I love not wearing a bra. Sometimes I wear a bra to go outside gardening or walking etc. because I don’t want my neighbors to see my nips. (Why do they have to be a thing that people look at? Ugh. But I’m not daring enough to not care, so I cover them up.) In chilly weather I like that I can wear layers and nobody can tell.
Ha, and Thursday I was feeling great because I put on a bra and it fit SO PERFECT. It was just a very satisfying moment. Maybe get a super fancy bra that looks cute so you want to wear it? Is there a bra that cute?
If you don’t have very large breasts (maybe somewhere between A and D cup) you might like something like this. I usually wear a 34C/D, and it’s great for days when I just can’t talk myself into wearing an underwire.
Did you guys know that Fatboy Slim’s Weapon of Choice (of dancing Christopher Walken fame) spends about 30 seconds repeating the lyric “Walk without rhythm and you won’t attract The Worm”?
(also I have never spelled rhythm correctly in my life, which is fitting because I have none and am indeed possibly a contagious carrier of the antirhythm)
That’s a Dune reference, right?
Well it’s probably a dick reference but it is ALSO a Dune reference.
A classmate in my first year at university shared the mnemonic “Rhythm has your two hips moving” as a way to remember how to spell it, and it is honestly one of the most useful things I learned on the whole course.
Thank you! I am imprinting this on my memory for all time.
This is amazing.
In return I offer:
Kings
Play
Croquet
Or
Face
Guillotine
Sex
Kingdom, Phyllum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species
It’s an awful mnemonic but because it’s awful it has stuck in my head perhaps better than any other.
That is so much better than King Philip Came Over From Germany Saturday (my middle school’s version).
I learnt “King Philip Came Over From Greece Swimming”.
I learned “Kings Play Chess on Friday, Generally Speaking.”
I learned “Ken Poured Coffee on Fran’s Good Shirt”, which…what a jerk, Ken!
ours was the forbidden “King Phillip Came Over For Good Sex”, which we weren’t allowed to say aloud, but boy did we remember it.
I use XKCD’s “Karl Marx gave the proletariat eleven zeppelins” to remember kilo, mega, giga, tera, peta, exa, zetta.
Thank you!
My favorite mnemonic is the one for the cranial nerves: “On old Olympus’s towering tops, a Finn and German viewed some hops.”
Or the Community version: Kevin, please come over for gay sex.
I offer the toast ‘privilege is VILE’ it changed my life you’re welcome.
I have to type it several times a day (in a medical context, re: heart rhythm), which has helped a lot!
I always spell “hemorrhoids” wrong on the first go, though…
Toasts, I am moving into a new office next week. It has a window! I am going to paint (I think Sherwin Williams Quietude which is a nice soft blue-gray-green color) and am looking for a small upholstered chair to create a space for me to read and plan on paper away from my desk. I am in favor of spending time and a little cash to beautify my work space, since I spend 40+ hours a week in there. I currently have three lamps (the fluorescent light never gets turned on), two plants, a book wreath, a framed print, and a pretty jar of “friend bait” to make my office more comfortable for me and inviting for my coworkers. What do you do to better enjoy your work space?
I recently painted my bedroom a virtually identical color (SW Dutch Tile Blue) and I think I still have the chips for all their different blue-green-gray colors hanging around in a drawer. It’s such a good wall color!
As for your question, I have no windows so I make up for it with plants and pictures with outdoor scenery.
My “view” is just the side of the church wall next door. I’m mostly excited to get a little bit of natural light and to have the option to expose myself to fresh air without leaving the building. Maybe a window calls for more plants.
Dutch Tile Blue was on my short list! Sherwin-Williams blue-green-grays are my very favorites. My living room and master bath are Sea Salt and I went dark and moody with Oceanus for my study and the funny middle room that acts as a kind of square hallway for my downstairs. I’m really happy with how much both colors change depending on light and what objects are in the room. The living room is downstairs and has windows facing northeast and the bathroom is upstairs and faces southwest. They never look like they could be the same color.
I’m intrigued by the idea of “friend bait”. Is it a candy jar, or something else?
It is a jar of candy! It’s glass with a pretty wooden top and I usually have it stocked with some combination of peppermint patties, dark chocolate Reese’s, and something not-chocolate (mostly all red or pink Starbursts, but sometimes those funny strawberry candies if I can find them). It’s set up at the back of my office by a nice chair and lamp. It is 100% there to lure people in.
That sounds lovely!
That is basically the exact color I want to paint the kitchen that I don’t have.
I’m so jealous that you can paint your office! My spaceheater is my favorite thing in my office, hands down. We’re technically not supposed to have them but I really don’t care.
I read that as “Sherwin Williams QUAALUDE” at first and thought, “wow that is an odd – if strangely evocative – color name.”
I tack up all my treasured ToastPost cards!
Bog bookshelf, decorative pottery, lots of wall art, and a lovely wool rug. You can see just a sliver of it here <a href=”http://.https://www.instagram.com/p/BBsEt8Pn68b/” target=”_blank”>.https://www.instagram.com/p/BBsEt8Pn68b/
And also overwintering some plants in the window
That kidney donation news is amazing. I hope both Toasties involved have a very straightforward operation and recovery.
(The workout top is also amazing, and definitely fierce as shit.)
Hey Nicole, to go along with your new workout shirt – this was the sign outside my neighborhood coffee shop earlier this week:
(Sorry about my weird shadow; I clearly don’t understand how light works.)
THAT IS ONE OF THE BEST SIGNS I’VE SEEN. What an artist.
Anyway, there is a lady on twitter named J. J. McNabb who is keeping track of the Sovereign Citizen movement in America, which is an amazing phenomenon that has crystzalized under the belief that the US Government was reorganized as a Post Office in 1795 and that it creates shell corporations for every citizen at birth and then attaches a secret US Treasury account to the corporation and if you can figure out the secrets of this government you can get the money and be immune to laws.
Here, for instance, is a ritual conducted at your local post office to officially “redeem” (i.e., separate) your flesh-and-blood self from the strawman corporation on your birth certificate:
http://sovereign-citizenship.net/-l9NSRxMMgam78vF…
Wait, is this real? Is that what Sovereign Citizens think is going on? I…had imagined something far more prosaic.
I know, I did, too! But it’s real, they teach seminars! A bunch of people at Malheur are “common law judges”, which means they have used paperwork rituals to appoint themselves judges in the Sovereign Citizen movement!
It’s a completely amazing like…I guess basically a magical tradition, for lack of a better word. These guys teach seminars on it, they make money selling handbooks teaching people obscure rituals designed to let you have powers over the government! They have special names that make them immune to laws.
It sounds so wild, like something out of a book. At first it sounded like a cool idea for an RPG, but then I realized most of the action would just be the characters harrassing various postmasters and escaping from police by sticking special documents in the nearest mailbox.
oh man this is definitely a major part of your campaign if you ever want to run an Unknown Armies game, though.
My favorite (“favorite”) part is the belief that the government has set up all these treasury accounts in secret as part of a huge conspiracy but that they would totally be willing to give you the money if you just ask correctly. On the other hand, it does seem to fit in with the idea that legal language has some sort of eldritch power to command things to happen.
there is a guy who specifically believes that legal language is a magical language with the eldritch power to command things to happen!
http://dwmlc.com/dwm/pages/category.php?category=1
Oh my, that is a trip. He wants a line to appear over the “ow” in “known” but doesn’t know how to make that happen, so he just writes “KNOWN (WITH A LINE OVER THE “OW””.
Also if he thinks writing this way is magic, I wonder what the consequences of that unclosed parenthesis is going to be.
Well it made me shudder physically, so your magic copying and pasting had an effect. Probably not the effect Mr. Magic Typing was going for.
If I get ever around to writing my urban fantasy novel, I’m absolutely including this. Humans are amazing.
I’m sorry, but is that page you linked actually telling people to go around and claim they’re… ships?!
yes because now the US Government has been reorganized under ADMIRALTY LAW, and under admiralty law there are no people, only ships (the body) and cargo (the life of the body).
But… but… humans… ships… ship-humans… what. And they’re mailing useless “documents” signed in blood to themselves… and expect to get… money? Why does this sound like a Monthy Python sketch that got out of control?
I bet the local postmaster is now regretting his policy of just agreeing to stamp whatever dumb thing people bring in for him.
“Excuse me, sir, would you mind stamping our baby? It’s a family tradition.”
::postmaster has spent literally fifty years sorting ten thousand tiny letters a day::
“Sure, lady, whatever you want.”
Goddammit, I *knew* I should have taken that Admiralty Law elective in law school! (grumbles)
Those pitiable believers have certainly never worked for the US government. No one who has could believe any federal office could be even half as organized as necessary to accomplish the “every citizen at birth” details.
or that anyone looks at paperwork closely enough to notice the angle of your signature across the postage stamp
Someone needs to page Thomas Pynchon…
This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen.
“Our founding fathers were born in a world where the King (George) of England, was the highest sovereign of all he surveyed (the whole world.)” Um. Should someone explain the difference between “England” and “the whole world”?
To be fair, England had a crapload of colonies all over the world…
I was at a Dunkin’ Donuts drive-thru last night and commiserating about the cold with the lovely clerks — and they told me that their branch has no heat! But they still have to work! It’s 7 degrees outside! I was horrified and asked if that’s even legal and could they do something, and they sort of smiled and shrugged it off. But can this possibly be legal? Who do I have to call to make sure my friendly neighborhood DD ladies don’t freeze to death? Seriously – Dunkin’ Donuts corporate is one town away and I want to make a stink about this, but not sure how. I just posted on their Facebook page about it.
Can you set up one of those things that will tweet the temperature at that branch to the Dunkin Donuts twitter every five minutes until they fix it?
I would say see if you can find either the district manager’s number or call corporate because that is horrible and often there is almost nothing they can do at a store level (spoken by someone who worked far too long in retail)
I assume they are taking turns using various ovens/coffee makers as space heaters so it’s probably not as bad as it could be. Bet they’re 50% caffeine by weight at the end of the day though.
Former Dunkin Donuts employee here – I have never heard of a store not having heat, regardless of how many ovens they have. That seems weird and I would raise a stink about it on social media or call corporate. Those poor employees!
UGH. That is so cruel. I used to work in an office with no heat, but I live in southern BC, so while it sucked, it wasn’t actually dangerous. I had a single bed sized Hudson Bay three point blanket I would wear at my desk. 🙁
I don’t know what state you’re in — not all states have laws about it. (The federales have guidelines, but not enforceable laws.) But Massachusetts does! I know this because my workplace was down to 60F indoors last year, and I wrote a nastygram to the building manager with a quote from the state statute. I got profuse apologies and ashamed scrambling as a result.
A restaurant with a drive-through may be slightly different from an office, but in MA, in an office, 65F during the workday is minimum from Oct. 15th through the end of winter.
(And yes, calling corporate to complain as a customer will probably get the problem fixed faster than all the managers in the world asking for help.)
My favorite fierce shirt is this “Yes All Men” one, which appears to no longer be available for purchase. I wear it constantly.
I have never even seen Hamilton but I want that shirt so bad. My friend and I in high school were deeply committed to Team Hamilton, now I can’t wait to see the musical and have my life change for the better.
I was fully expecting to have been beaten to the cat thread but since I don’t seem to have been…
MEOW.
Yours are better at cuddling than mine!
Monster Truck was super photogenic this week!
New foster cats!
The second one is ridiculously skittish, except during the night, when he cuts off circulation to my legs.
What roly-poly delight!
Living the good life:
Yesterday Mina found the sun.
And she had it all to herself because this suitcase is now Zillah’s One True Bed.
Hee! I have had that suitcase situation. You can never unpack now.
I screwed up my courage to tell my work crush I like him last week and his response was p much like ‘duh, obviously, and I obviously like you too’ which was GREAT (glad it was obvious to you, dude! it wasn’t to me!) but he expressed reservations about dating someone at work. I did it once before but left the company before it broke down. But then I’m coming up on 2 years in this current place and might move on soon anyway, as might he. Is it the worst idea ever? If it affects your answers, he is really hot.
How close are you at work (ie, how much do you see and interact with him on a daily/weekly basis)? Any power differential in your respective roles?
We barely work together, in actual fact. He’s a level above me but it’s a fairly flat structure in the company.
I mean its a risk vs reward thing. Personally if I was completely dependent on the job – like, if losing it would be completely devastating to my life – I would think on it. Otherwise, I (personally) would get at that shit.
As you get further involved, though, might be a good idea to keep an eye out for red flags, ie how he talks about exes, controlling or vindictive behavior, etc. Not that you wouldnt anyways, but I guess i mean examining it from a place of “could [x personality trait] present a problem for me in the workplace if this didnt work out?”
Ah, Alison Green recently posted an article rounding up why everyone says it’s a bad idea, plus how to keep it professional if you must.
So read that and consider your situation (how closely do you work together? Any chance of one of you being promoted over the other?), and weigh your interest in him vs. how much you want to change your career (but don’t let the former drive the latter decision, obviously). Keep your eyes open for other career opportunities you’re genuinely interested in! Maybe it’ll all work out. 🙂
Thanks for the article, this is interesting! The main and only reason as far as I can see is that it would potentially be awkward if it didn’t turn out well, and then we have to see each other at work. I am good friends with my major ex, but only after a year of awfulness. He isn’t friends with any of his exes and I guess he feels like it isn’t really something he can do. The stuff about being unpromotable, etc, is not really relevant – if I want to move upwards in my career I basically have to leave this company anyway – same for him.
Yeah, my work crush just got moved to the same shared office as me, so he is 100% OFF LIMITS until we’re in a situation where, if something were to go wrong, I wouldn’t have him in my sightline for literally hours every day.
DO IT
plus he’s really hot
Exactlyyyyyyy
Definitely siding with allofthewhine, here. 100%. Yes. GET IT.
My gentleman friend and I started as “don’t shit where you eat fwb”, and only started “dating” after one of us left the mutual workplace.
Thing is, one of you is inevitably going to go anyway, right? So why not have a little fun along the way?
Hey, way to go! That takes real guts to tell someone you like ’em, especially when you see them every day at work. I’m throwing another voice in for “just do it,” especially if the job isn’t likely permanent for either of you. Also, hot.
I proposed to my bf last night.
He’s thinking about it.
I’m happy I asked but also a bit scared.
Congratulations! I feel like even proposing, regardless of the outcome, is a cool and feminist thing to do. You articulated what you wanted and asked for it, straight out. Hopefully he will get back to you soon. Sending you good vibes!
GOOD FOR YOU, whatever the outcome!
LA TOASTS!!!
Let’s be friends! Let’s have a book club! Let’s go see Jane Lynch sing at Largo in March!
Who’s with me?
I will even set up a facebook group! Which I don’t actually know how to do! But can find out!
Me!!!! Hi!
I’m a Santa Barbara Toast but occasionally make trips to LA, so I would love to join this group!
Does anyone have any tips on overcoming winter weariness? I’ve been spending time painting my nails, because having the time to sit and focus on myself for a few minutes has seemed to help me feel better during the week. Also cuddling my cat, because what is better for winter grays than snuggling?
Painting nails is excellent. I’ve also been doing lots of baths+cocktail+face mask which is a nice 30 minutes or so of thinking time. Also just trying to get away from my computer more. These may be more about focus and mental self care than anything else.
Good luck.
I find my mood is a lot better when I regularly watch cartoons, and by cartoons I mean Adventure Time. (I don’t have any TV service, so being able to kick back with my library DVD is super special.)
Crafts, and planting seeds to look forward to spring.
(Especially crafts you can do while snuggling with cats and watching TV. I’ve been making lots of these little birdies for my beloved local cat refuge to sell as fundraisers! They can be ornaments or cat toys.)
My dog had his surgery yesterday and I am going to pick him up in 45 minutes! He did great according to the tech and when I mentioned at work that I was going to pick him up and take him home on my lunch my boss was concerned about him spending the afternoon alone and suggested I bring him back to the office!
Good managers, the *do* exist! Wishing swift healing for your dog.
Does anyone have any experience with/advice about PMDD? I’m discovering that my “pms” is getting really devastating, and far beyond the usual pms misery. Bonus points for non-BC treatments, as that’s not an option for me at the moment (though I’d love to hear about any and all experiences!)
Welp, I was about to recommend BC, as that’s what worked for me, and then I got to your last sentence, so… But I will say that since I went off BC about 1.5 years ago, I haven’t noticed my PMDD returning. I hope that yours will also go away, and quickly. 🙂
Hormonal birth control stopped being an option for me some years back, and I just suffered for a while and then got on some meds for other MH issues and started seeing a therapist, so now at least I have the edge taken off and have some coping mechanisms in place. It sucks though, and the best I can usually do is track my periods so when that feeling starts descending on me I can, if I remember, check to see if it’s that time, which helps me remember to use my journal/exercises. I also enlisted my partner to help me remember to check the calendar if I start feeling really terrible.
I used to take raspberry leaf and rosehip tea once a day to balance my hormones (all month, not just when I had PMS). It made my PMS less severe and not last as long, and also made my periods regular. However, I heard you’re supposed to take it for 6 weeks, and then stop for 2 weeks, so that you don’t become resistant to it (I’m not sure if this is even true). So whenever I stopped taking it, my hormones became really messed up for a few days and it was basically like having PMS. It also gave me diarrhoea.
DC Toasties! Just a quick reminder (or heads up if you’re not on the e-mail list) that we’re having a brunch potluck on February 27! Don’t forget to sign up on the spreadsheet. so we know who to expect and what you’ll all be bringing! We also still need a coffeemaker, as the host does not have one.
I’ll be sending out a reminder e-mail closer to the actual date as well, I just wanted to post a quick reminder here too!
I have to work and I am so bummed! Maybe next time
I have to work too, but I’m helping plan it out since it was my idea in the first place. I’m definitely up for doing another one (that I hopefully will actually be able to attend!) later though! I’ll keep you updated when plans for the next one start!
So guick post because in order to get ccollege-break boy to go to his thyroid dr appointment, I volunteered to go pick up his girlfriend in Toledo. Not what I wanted to do on my kid free night off, but 2 hours in the car with her will alloww for good mom-girfriend talk.
I need his thyroid to get better.
High school boy is really having a hard time, and last week his yelling and screaming escalated to both self-harm and shoving me into a wall, so I could use some good vibes here. Yesterday a snowstorm kept me from hus counseling appointment until the very end, when I rushed in abd had to get my thought out fast and I think it really sounded like an attack to him. And he is at his dad’s house with promises not to self-harm but I feel like I undid all his calm and I’m worried.
Lacrosse has a few more kids signed up but still not enough access to a practice location. It looks like the team will be half girls!
I will update tonight when I get back from toledo.
Thyroids are the worst and so insidious. Hang in there. I’m sending you warm, good, loving thoughts.
sending good vibes your way, friend!
As someone who has worked in the transplant field let me just say DONOR YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON AND GIVING AN AMAZING GIFT!!!
OK this is not usually my kind of thing, but: Weed Rec Thread?
LOL! Where are you/what are your options like? I’m in Colorado and feeling UK Cheese and Wonder Woman at the moment.
🙂 I’m in BC, Canada, where good quality medical dispensaries abound. Pretty lucky. I’m a fan of heavy indicas, but like to be able to make recommendations for friends, too.
I don’t have any, but I just want to say that I’m glad you started this thread!
Thanks! I’m a total convert to the cause of Using This Stuff Knowledgeably.
**FWIW: I use marijuana to address symptoms of IBS, and depression, which tends to manifest in body pain for me.
I have no weed advice but this thread made me laugh because of this:
https://twitter.com/osutein/status/69791301271643…
that was my first thought too!
I’ll be thrilled when I live somewhere that I can be picky about this shit.
I had a job interview this week and I really hope I get it and I think a great number of you would probably very much approve… And I am checking my emails every five minutes until I hear even though it was only on Tuesday…
I want a country song to exist entitled “Redwings, Blue Jeans, White Hat”
My annual work review is over lunch today and I’m a bit tense. Please send positive work vibes.
What I know is that I am good at my job and am pretty much indispensable right now.
On the other hand, I have been agitating the higher-ups recently.
The stupid situation is that I work somewhere where it is VERY hard to be fired. Like, there was someone intentionally sabotaging work and it took 18 months of carefully documenting what he was doing before anyone took action.
So now I have a coworker who is not sabotaging or doing anything intentionally bad – he’s just incompetent at the task he’s been given. This is not a surprise because no aspect of his education or training covered these tasks, and they weren’t something we evaluated him on when he was hired. So, since I’m the one in charge of correcting his work now, I went to his supervisor (not mine – we are at the same level but in totally different chains of command) and just let him know that my co-worker’s been doing this work for a year and hasn’t shown any improvement in spite of my coaching.
And the answer was basically, “you need to solve this problem yourself.” Which, OK, I’ve been coaching him, but I’m his peer, not his boss. I can’t tell him what to do. I can show and tell what I do, but he can choose his own path. I can’t force him to change. I need YOU, Supervisor, to address this performance issue or make it official that I am addressing this issue and not just bossing this guy around for the pleasure of it.
So I bet I’ll be rehashing this over lunch today.
good luck! you are good at things. work things and also bullshit bureaucratic things.
(i just had my review and it sucked. in that i had to make a list of goals, and there was no lunch.)
It sounds like you work in a government! (I work in a government.)
Maybe you need to ask for some very specific kind of backup, like the supervisor reviews his work output at some scheduled interval. That makes it clear that the ultimate authority is watching, even if he isn’t really watching that hard.
Not saying it isn’t a bullshit situation: it is a bullshit situation. You can’t make someone responsible for someone else’s work performance but not give them any power to hold him accountable. Except people do (my boyfriend is in this situation–he has “reports” who don’t report to him).
Alright, so, I definitely think I have ADHD. The articles about women with adult ADHD hit home for me in a way nothing else has. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety/depression for years, and it’s never felt right. (The anxiety, yes, depression, no)
Anyway, I have an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday, so here’s hoping for help!
Anyone else have experiences with adult diagnosis??
I’m going through the same thing right now. The articles about women with adult ADHD were also deeply, upsettingly familiar. I’ve talked to both my psychiatrist and therapist (whom I see for anxiety related stuff) and they both have been very supportive. I’m seeing a specialist in a couple weeks to go through formal diagnosis.
I’m very conflicted at the moment and having a hard time with this! On the one hand, it’s very clarifying. There are a ton of behaviors that I have chalked up to being lazy/a failure/just a shitty person that might in fact fall under this umbrella. I’m excited by the prospect of addressing some of these things further, and hopefully getting some relief from the things that have impacted my life in lots of ways. On the other hand though, I’m feeling a lot of resentment and regret about this, I guess? It’s hard to pin down the exact feelings. Mostly wondering what could have been different if I sorted this out sooner, etc. Also a lot of just internalized negativity where my rational brain is like “maybe all of these things have a root cause, and I can address them and move forward” and my jerk brain is like “no, you’re just the worst, nothing will ever change, and you’re just looking for an excuse for your behavior.”
In summary: UGH.
Ugh, I so relate to the “your just looking for an excuse for your behavior,” both in regards to depression and ADHD. Interestingly, my psych doc said that, on average, the longer a persons “illness” is active and untreated, the harder it is for them to accept that they have actual biological issues; often people distrust that diagnosis and fear its just a way of dodging responsibility. No idea the extent to which that is true, but it seems applicable to my situation. In the strict confines of therapy, I can sometimes believe that there are chemical differences in my brain that aren’t my fault, and they make some things harder for me, and perhaps I shouldn’t be so hard on myself when they cause actual problems. But on an average day, my brain is much more likely to land on “what if you’re just trying to escape responsibility for your own actions and thoughts? Other people have much bigger problems and are doing fine”
On a side note, I was diagnosed with ADD (I don’t have the hyperactive element, so not sure what proper acronym is) about 10 years ago; early on, I was on medication- first Adderall XR, then Vyvanse- but ultimately discontinued because I didn’t like the side effects. For me, those were: afternoon sleepiness combined with physical inability to nap, occasionally concentrating TOO much (ie, when writing, I would fixate on the wording of a paragraph I was writing to the detriment of the rest of the paper), and the fact that those meds didnt combine well w/alcohol (at the time I was young and going out more). Anyhow, I’m no longer on anything but have thought about returning…
There are non-stimulant AD/HD meds (I am on Strattera) that tend to not aggravate anxiety that could be worth trying.
Ah! Will look into that, thanks!
For me, I’ve tried for close to a decade to manage my anxiety with little progress. And I have been so hard on myself for my lack of organization, untidiness, and intense, detrimental procrastination, blaming them as “character failures”
But if I can focus on them as symptoms to manage, rather than character failures, life suddenly feels much easier.
(But, honestly, I’m 29, and my life might have gone a lot differently if I’d gotten a diagnosis/treatment earlier. But, not all that helpful to dwell on the past)
Here’s hoping for better days.
That’s basically exactly what I’m feeling. Better days for us both, hopefully.
Recent women w/ ADHD articles have spurred me to look into it for myself, too! I’m just starting down the path so I don’t have any advice, but I just want to cheer you on. <3
Thank you!! Good luck to you too, and let us know how things go!
My wife was diagnosed recently, after a long period of gentle prodding from me, my physician mother, her therapist, etc.
She actually passed all of the screening tests, because she is very bright and has constructed a lot of handy coping mechanisms in her 35+ years on earth. Luckily her physician believed her and allowed a trial of Adderall, on top of the Wellbutrin she already takes (turns out they’re frequently prescribed together).
The results were IMMEDIATE. She got more done in the two week trial than she had in the whole month before, and didn’t suffer any side effects beyond feeling tired in the evening.
On the whole, she became so much less frustrated with her ability to approach and organize her work (not just concentrate on it). Instead of a giant wall of YOU HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING OH NO she felt like she had, yes, a lot of stuff to do, but she could approach it systematically and have a sense of progress.
She still struggles with occasional anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed, but to a much more manageable extent. She no longer bursts into furious tears over her performance at the end of a perfectly normal work day.
She spent a long time just assuming she was lazy, or stupid, or undisciplined, or incapable. This from a woman with a law degree who uses advanced function Excel spreadsheets to track her fitness regimen.
The thing that finally convinced her, by the way? Not any of the self-realization/self worth/psychological components. It was the fact that she can drink espresso at 10pm and fall asleep at 10:30. My mom pointed out that the ability to take large quantities of stimulants without getting “buzzed” is a signature symptom. :p
Oh, and for many folks with ADD/ADHD, stimulants actually don’t increase anxiety; they decrease it, because you’re not stuck in Panic Brain. It’s worth trying them. The nice thing is that you get a read-out on how you react to them pretty much immediately, and you can quit cold turkey at any time.
THANK YOU for sharing this!! It is incredibly reassuring to hear stories like this.
I definitely did not get diagnosed as a youth because I was so high functioning, and then when I flunked out of my MA because I couldn’t finish my papers, it was dismissed as anxiety.
Thank you for sharing! I’m also very high functioning academically, which makes things slightly tricky. My dude is trying his best to be very supportive, but his anxiety often manifests in hypochondriac tendencies so when I started panicking about a possible diagnosis he did basically say “are you sure you’re not overreacting” with a large nod to my academic success as a counterpoint. It’s been really hard to explain all the things he doesn’t see and all the toxic emotions around a lot if my work, even though in the end it techically gets done well.
In short, it’s nice to hear about other high functioning women to be reminded that doesn’t nullify this.
She struggled A TON with whether she was “overreacting” or not. In some ways it’s probably easier to keep second-guessing and blaming yourself – because making yourself SUPER ACCOUNTABLE and constantly kicking your own ass is a pretty effective coping mechanism when you have AD(H)D!
But past success does not mean you’re obligated to keep doing things the same way forever. Boy, we’d all be in trouble if it did.
I got diagnosed two weeks ago! I’m a little bit overwhelmed by it at the moment. (Tried Adderall for a week and a half and it literally did nothing so today is the day I’ve given up on it, trying Ritalin next.) My provider (she’s a psychiatric nurse practioner who specializes in ADHD) sent me a ton of articles and podcasts and stuff that I’ve been slowly working my way through, I could share them if you would like.
I would love for some podcast and articles recs! I’m feeling completely in over my head and have no idea where to start.
I absolutely relate. I’m in my 40s and was just diagnosed. It only occurred to me after several podcasts I listen to did things on ADHD in adults and adult women specifically, and I was like “damn, hold on, all these sound like ME.” But it also… felt like a fad, I guess? Like all the articles about the overdiagnosis epidemic were aimed at me, instead of at parents who maybe weren’t looking too hard at what was really going on with their (generally male) kids. In talking about it with a colleague/friend, she told me that her husband went through the same thing, and she highly recommended his therapist, who specialized in adult ADHD. (Most doctors, even those who routinely deal with ADHD, aren’t nearly as familiar with how it presents in girls, let alone adult women, because we tend to have very different coping (or not-coping) mechanisms than boys, and they mostly know about how it looks it boys. I was also wary, because I also have anxiety and depression, and there is as you know a ton of overlap in the symptoms. But she pointed out that if I’ve been treated / in therapy for both, but the symptoms persist, it’s probably a sign that there’s another underlying cause.
Long story short, everything FIT. I do have ADHD. I’m on Adderall now and HOLY AMAZEBALLS Y’ALL it’s a different world out there for me now. It makes me angry and sad that I’m only figuring this out so late, and on the one hand I’m more proud of myself than ever for finishing a dissertation and getting a teaching job, but keep thinking maybe if I’d known this earlier I’d have finished sooner, or gotten tenure, or a better job, or whatever.
I would *strongly* recommend that in addition to ADHD testing you also do genetic testing for how you respond to different ADHD drugs. They started me on Ritalin, and after a week I was basically convinced that the diagnosis was wrong, b/c I felt focused for an hour or so, and then the effect went away. Turns out that my body metabolizes Ritalin super-fast – the prescribing doc said “Given the genetic test results [which he’d only gotten a week after the prescription], that’s actually exactly what I’d expect Ritalin to do for you. Let’s try Adderall,” because I metabolize that normally, and wow. I know there are a lot of very valid critiques of the pharma industry and of these drugs in particular, but what Pallas said above is completely true for me – I thought they’d increase my anxiety, but I’ve got so much less anxiety now than before I started. It’s different for everyone, but if you’re even considering medication, like I said, see if they can do that genetic testing, too.
Good luck. I think it’s a journey, finding the right doctor / therapist and finding the right way to treat YOUR particular ADHD, and that means you might not figure it out right away, but you are on the right path.
If you do podcasts, there’s a really good one on ADHD, done by someone who has it himself, called ADHD reWired, which also has a TON of useful information on coping strategies, ways to organize your time, your workspace, how it might affect partnerships, etc.
Good luck.
Here’s the info on the genetic test. You can also test on how you metabolize antidepressants, opioids, and several other medications; I did ’em all at the same time and found that two of the meds I’ve been on in the past are ones I metabolize too fast. I don’t know why we don’t offer this test to anyone who’s going to start antidepressants, especially, since it’s faster than waiting 3 weeks to see if the drugs really work, but anyway…
https://genesight.com/clinicians/genesight-tests/…
My PCP had never heard of it, but when I showed her the report (which is easy to read even for non-doctors) she thought it was fabulous and got her clinic to start offering them!
Thank you so much for this incredibly long and helpful response! It’s nice to feel less alone. I will definitely talk to my doctor about the genetic testing, and will check out that podcast (because seriously, I’m in need of coping strategies right now)
Academic toasties! I have a question for you. (Also v interested in replies of former academics, in addition to current ones.)
Once upon a time I worked really hard through a BA and an MA to get into a doctoral program in the humanities, and now that I’m here it is really, really, mindblowingly difficult to keep going. And I’m not sure why? Because everyone involved is really kind, and my advisor is great, and it is just that it feels really…futile. (I’m already doing things like seeing a therapist/managing my own mental health; those things are relevant here, but not exactly what I’m asking about.) If you’ve completed a grad degree, did you ever feel this way? How/why did you decide to keep working on it? If you started one and then quit, or planned to apply and decided not to, are you happy with your decision, or do you wish you would have continued? Any other relevant advice you’d like to drop about grad school/academia/other career paths for bookish types/etc? Thanks, all!
Oh wow–I have more thoughts on this than I have time to write here. Short version (that is still mighty long). I got a PhD in art history and right before I hit ABD, it occurred to me that I was staring down years of more work for a job that would never ever materialize (disclaimer–ok sure, some people get academic jobs in art history, but not alot, let us all be for real). I ended up with lots of depression over watching my academic dreams go down the drain, and struggled mightily with self-worth, what do I do now, etc. etc. I went to a therapist for awhile, ended a relationship that was draining me, and came thiissssss close to quitting. The only reason I stayed was that while going through the motions, I got a fellowship to Paris for a summer, and figured that it was all worth it to be in Paris for awhile.
I did end up finishing the dissertation and now have a PhD that has proven little use to me. Do I wish I had quit? Ummmm, not sure? In some ways, it feels nice that I “finished” and that at the end of it, I do have a PhD, so I can’t regret not finishing it. However, there’s a good part of me that wishes I had pulled the plug earlier, and could have spent more time to fully moving on, figuring out what to do next, etc. Part of the difficulty, for me, in deciding whether to quit or not was using the nasty q-word. Quitting sounds bad and like something that we shouldn’t do and will regret. This is not the way to think of leaving a PhD program though. It is a career change and life decision, and sometimes “quitting” is absolutely the best decision.
All that being said though, one of the best things I did was start exploring other options while still in grad school (and writing the dissertation). Yes, it meant that finishing it took longer, BUT it meant that I found other interests, skills, and employment that both sustained me and paid the bills when it was clear that I was on my way out. Even though I finished, I never went on the job market, so having some alternate work plans saved me alot of grief and panic when I stopped TA’ing. (That’s also how I met my husband, so bonus!)
Where is the sense of futility coming from? The thought that “all human activity is futile, and especially the activity of thinking about human activity?” The thought that “all this work is not going to lead to the job I want?” Or the thought that “nothing I, personally, do will ever amount to anything, so why am I trying so hard?”
This is a great question to ask. Or is it even, “does this feel futile because I don’t really love this subject as much as I thought I did?”
It’s also coming from a situation in my field (and which is common across the humanities) where there are over 1000 new PhDs each year, and about 150 tenure-track jobs — fewer when the economy is bad. Almost everyone who goes to grad school is used to being The Exception To The Rule, and you think “Well, *I* will get one of those 150 jobs,” but then you see the smartest, most on top of it, best qualified person in your dissertation group try for three years without a decent job offer, and you realize that it’s as much about luck as qualifications (did someone in your subfield die this year? Well then, congrats, I guess, because a job just opened up), and all the work you did… might very well not matter. For me, that’s contributed to a huge sense of futility, like why even bother trying?
I’m nearly done a physics PhD, after taking almost a year longer than the supposed max for a pile of exasperating reasons (including rerunning a year of data twice), and have been running on spite and stubbornness for…. four, maybe five years now? I do not recommend this. I kept working on it partially because I felt no-one would ever take me seriously if I quit (which is nonsense), partially because I got some funding and had no immediate job prospects and it seemed foolish to turn down money for nothing, partially because the slog grew slowly rather than all at once, and largely because of inertia and sunk costs (not just financial — the emotional cost has been substantial). I am proud of my work, and confident that I will actually finish this beast, but like to think that if I’d known years ago how badly it would all turn out, I’d’ve quit a year or two in. I am not sticking with the academic path after this.
But physics is not humanities, and the structure of programs is often very different (and job prospects likely different too), so take this with a lot of salt.
As for the futility, och, yes, I feel that. My work is not likely to be of much use to anyone, and it’s hard to get excited about work that you expect to languish in obscurity. But I’ve thought that about all my research work, and through the wonders of Google Scholar citation tracking I’ve found that there’s an entire paper based on my MSc thesis work from two people in Iran that I’ve never heard of. So somehow, my feelings of utter futility aside, people halfway around the world got wind of my paper, thought “we can calculate stuff with this!”, did so, got interesting results, and published it, which is super exciting! So while you (and I) may feel your/my work is futile, it’s possible it’s got much stronger legs than you ever imagined 🙂
Ow, that’s the exact reason why I pussied out of even trying to start a PHD in the humanities. I majored in the top 5 percent of my department, my prof explicitly advised me to try for a PHD and… I got scared. Even writing my MA felt extremely futile, and the idea of not finding a job afterwards pretty much paralyzed me. All that is almost five years ago now, I’m quite happy in the non-academic-but-vaguely-relevant job I found, and I still don’t know if it was the right decision. I still imagine quitting it all and going back to uni.
Wow, that’s very much not helpful, sorry. I guess your best shot would be to weight all your options and to find a good balance between the things you Love, and the thing that’s able to Pay Your Rent…
I don’t comment much, but I wanted to weigh in from the permanently ABD, i.e., “I quit” side of things. I was about 6 years into a doctoral program in English Lit when I left. Passed my exams, was well into the dissertation. I occasionally regret not just finishing and getting the degree, even though I relatively early on realized I would never get a job in a place I actually wanted to live, which was one of the absolute biggest factors in my departure.
HOWEVER–I do not regret changing paths and not pursuing academia at all. I live in a city I love, where I would have been highly unlikely to get a long-term tenure-track position, I have a great career (and incidentally make a lot more money than I ever would have made as an academic, which, shallow, sure, but has allowed me to do lots of awesome things with my life and provides a lot of security, which gets more valuable to me as I get older).
My transition out was definitely a very awkward time. All of my colleagues and friends always paid lip service to the idea that there was nothing wrong, per se, with leaving academia and that in many ways it was a very rational choice, but whenever anyone actually chose to do so, there was a real undercurrent of slight disdain, or confusion, or I don’t know what. It probably took a year or maybe more for me to fully re-form my own image of myself, since I had always really self-identified to a crazy degree as an academic. But for me, now that I’m on the other side, I am so much happier and healthier, and still able to read and pursue the things that interest me but only on my own terms.
I’ve still got great friends who followed it through to the end, got jobs, and are super happy. So this is definitely not a vote in favor of leaving or anything. But however you decide as you’re working through your feelings, it will definitely all turn out ok!
I’m just going to second all the things that everyone else is saying.
I’m not done yet, but I think it’s very normal to have slumps. In fact, in the science program I am in, we have third year slump and this is a Thing that everyone knows about.
I don’t know exactly where you are in the program, but I have stayed so far because 1) this is truly the thing I’m best at, and 2) I believe that I’m doing one of the most important jobs I can be (as arrogant as that may be).
First, I would make sure that you do give it some time. You don’t want to quit because you are in a depression swing that you come out of later. Second, I would really think (maybe with the help of a therapist) what your end goal is. Can you get there any other way? Does the goal still excite you even if the slog through the training doesn’t? If not, it might be better to head in another direction.
I quit before finishing the diss and became a tech writer, and it’s way better paid and you can leave your work at home. I am a huge humanities dork and loved spending time with people who gave a shit about poetry and there were many things I liked about academe, but I knew sometime partway through the dissertaton that I would be miserable being in a career where most of your time is spent doing solo work, and you could always be working and probably should.
That doesn’t mean it isn’t for you. Some people love teaching and research so much that it’s the right life for them, but it isn’t for everyone. Some people want to have a job, not a calling, and some people have a calling that’s for something else. But it’s very hard to have academia be just your job under current conditions. Maybe in 1960 that was possible.
I blogged about it once. http://www.techdocsinpdx.com/?p=1
I have a science PhD, and yes I remember struggling with feeling like it was all futile. I contemplated quitting more than once. And sometimes it felt like it was extra difficult *because* other academics were so kind to me–I felt like a failure or impostor for not having the same level of devotion to the work that they had. Or seemed to have. Why couldn’t I just be as happy as they seemed to be? I think a large part of what got me through that was just recognizing that I wanted to finish more than I wanted to quit, and finding the parts of the work that I loved and cherishing them.
But if you do the same assessment and decide it’s not for you? I know plenty of people who quit halfway through a PhD, or a year or two after starting, or right before they defended, and they don’t regret it at all. Life showed them other paths to take. And one of the things that everyone who has left academia after an advanced degree says is that *no one* judges you about leaving academia as much as other academics do. Seriously, the rest of the world does not think you’re a failure for leaving the ivory tower. And that’s part of why, while I love being a part of the academic culture and being a member of a university, I think it’s important not to live and breathe it. That kind of intense devotion to a single path can so easily create a blinkered life.
I think I’ve gone rambly, so I’ll stop there. I hope this helps, though!
I second all this wholeheartedly.
I don’t even think other academics have judged me! They might have cheered a little and wept over their tiny paychecks.
Toasties, I need you. My entire family is liberal–I mean, the biggest political argument in my lifetime was the great Obama/Hillary divide of 2008. And I think my grandfather voted for a communist in the 70s when my grandmother told him he was throwing his vote away. But my future in laws…are not. For the first time, my circle is trickling in these world views that are beyond just a different opinion on economic policy, but it’s just fueled by so much selfishness, greed, mean-spiritedness, and lack of empathy. These things never come up in the day to day, or in personal interactions (well, I can point to a few big things where it was hurtingly clear that the “I got mine jack” attitude prevailed to the detriment of others…), and it’s just shocking and unsettling to see that, under all the surface friendliness and call for “manners” is a real fear and hatred. And it’s upsetting. My partner is much better about compartmentalizing the Archie Bunker-esq “them” vs. knowing individuals, because he’s been doing it his whole life. But gah! How do Toastie’s deal? I keep trying to practice forgiveness, to have sympathy for their worldview, to give twice as much to make up for the inequality in this world…but it hurts.
How do Toasties cope with the real-life Trump supporters in their midst?
I have had to tell my dad that [subject] is not up for discussion. And then I either leave his house or ask him to leave mine if he can’t comply. For the most part it works, we’ve only had one or two real confrontations over the last 10-15 years.
I don’t know, but I have the same problem. My fiance is also adept at letting it roll off his back, but he also has the advantage of being considered an actual human person by his relatives, whereas I am just an ambulatory womb.
You learn how to spot a conversation that could lead to Trump 10 topics away. Like if they start talking about fish and you know they’ll get to fishing -> retirement near a river/lake -> can’t afford that kind of real estate -> blame obama/Trump made his money in real estate.
So anytime they’re thinking aloud about a tuna fish sandwich you derail them towards something you know is at the very least a longer conversational trip towards something awful.
See what I mean? Funny and smart.
I started to write a long answer about my dad, who voted for Pat Buchanan. But then I started to think about how much I love him and miss him still and now I’m crying and…what was the question?
*hug*
I’m not sure if my answer will help much, but I just avoid all politics talk with those people. The women in my family are all crazy liberal. We once got a lifesize cardboard cutout of George Bush (the elder) to torture my grandma with, because she hated him so much. But the men are all conservative. Like…I’m a vegetarian, they are hunters. I’m a pacifist, they’re in the military. If they vote (unlikely, tbh), they would vote for Trump or maybe Cruz. So…yeah. I avoid all political discussions when I see them in person (rare).
Most important: never engage in social media relationships with these people. That’s my number one advice.
Omg, I’m just imagining a delightful clan of mischievous hippy-women jabbing the cutout of Bush head-first toward an elderly woman, who looks more and more >:( and “GET THAT AWAY FROM ME” and omg, omg.
EXACTLY.
thank you for posting that. That woman is the BEST for ignoring that Carly Fiorina event.
Seconding this advice: avoid all in-person and social media discussions of issues you are sensitive to. (The bulk of research suggests that doing so tend to cause people to double down on their beliefs, especially when the relationship is not a particularly close one, though this is clearly not always the case.) If you have someone in your feed, etc, that is upsetting you on a regular basis, I would encourage blocking/muting/etc. Perhaps also writing a response but not sending it would be helpful? The worst is getting stuck in that place where you are angry and replaying and responding in your head over and over; theres just no benefit.
(All that said, boy do I struggle with this :))
I spend a lot of time avoiding family gatherings. Like, I moved halfway across a continent avoid. Avoid avoid avoid.
That being said, I have had a number of extremely awkward conversations in the name of allyship. Like no, Uncle D-ugh, i will not allow you to suggest that the Cree people are doing better now than they were before whitey got here because you do not consider a nomadic lifestyle “civilized” and yes we WILL talk about why it is problematic that you make fun of people for not speaking the very particular brand of English that you, personally, have acquired and yes, I will continue to protest even though it is your house and certainly, I WILL leave and then watch you squirm uncomfortably every time we meet after that.
This is not so much advice, i suppose. I hope it helps you feel less alone? ::Toastiehugs::
Its all about avoidance of the subject. I’ve actually left the room when they get started in on the subject with each other. I also talk about the weather a lot.
One of the great upsides to having lived in Alaska, Washington, Florida, New Mexico, Tennessee and Texas is that I have seen ALL THE WEATHER and have plenty to talk about.
Virtually all my fam are conservative, I attend a conservative church (virtually all the attendees are conservative), and I live in a generally more conservative part of Maine.
With family, I don’t discuss political stuff. With others, I have to internalize any rage.
Honestly, that’s my family (although they’re more Cruz supporters than Trump supporters), and what I end up doing is not talking and listening in this sort of detached way where I basically pretend I’m like a researcher observing another species, taking all kinds of mental notes on the insanity that comes out of their mouths.
And they I relay some of the choicest bits back to people (a couple close friends and my dude) who will both appreciate them in a “watching a car crash” way and also will react with me the way I was reacting inside my head at the time.
Example: I do have one uncle who’s a Trump supporter and vocal Christian and during a conversation once, he straight up said that he believed that Jesus’s instruction to help the needy only applied in that time period and not now, because now we have Welfare to care for people so we don’t have to do that anymore.
ETA: I am obviously not saying that all people who are vocally Christian are like this. I’m just marveling over the contrast between how much he talks about being a good Christian and “we don’t have any obligation to help people.”
Oh yes, that is my family. You don’t have to become best friends with you partner’s family, you just have to tolerate them. Like everyone else said, avoid politics. My strategies are keep visits short and activity-focused when possible, find anyone reasonable and befriend them, help in the kitchen or play with the kids to avoid having to engage with adults, and have a friend (or the toast) that you can text for a breather.
Also, you’re allowed to call them out. It feels weird but sometimes it’s easier to let the big stuff slide if you stand up for a small thing. I’ve started picking one thing I’ll call out every time I hear it, in a friendly non-combative way. So far I’ve gotten my family to stop using the words gay and queer (as insults) and oriental. Maybe it’s just around me because they’re tired of me correcting them but I’ll take it. Also make sure your partner has your back, their relatives will listen to them more than you so present a united front if you decided to go this direction.
Everyone else has the best advice: avoid avoid avoid.
You might also try reading Jonathan Haidt’s “The Righteous Mind.” It’s about how the underlying values of liberals and conservatives differ … knowing about his research doesn’t convince me that my conservative relatives are right, but it has helped me with understanding that not all their ideas are coming from a bad place, as they seem to me*, and sometimes are driven by the same concerns I have. It helps me try to find common ground when these conversations do come up, which has been 10,000% more effective than my old strategy of battling it out. E.g. every time my mom brings up how Obamacare is the worst, I pivot to something we do agree on, like the need to change reimbursement structures to encourage doctors to have more time with their patients. Does it change any minds? No, but neither did arguing until one of us slammed down the phone.
*does not apply to outright racism
Dear toasties!
So, I’ve run unto an unexpected situation. I tutor a middle schooler, and his history book is filled with things that are just not true. We were studying for his test on colonial times and choice facts that were included 1) The US post revolution was stable because God blessed them, while the countries in South America were very unstable because the Catholic Church had left them incapable of leading themselves.
2)The puritans practiced freedom of religion.
3)Jamestown was a success because of unregulated capitalism.
4) French Canadians didn’t join the American revolution because they were too brainwashed by the Catholic church, so they couldn’t handle free leadership.
WTF.
This is a private school IN THE BAY AREA. And the kid I tutor is half Hispanic. We had a discussion about history biases and why those things were inaccurate but I honestly can’t believe these things are being taught. I thought most churches had moved beyond that kind of “Catholics aren’t Christian ” attitude. And lionizing the puritans as great examples of Christianity? And the barely coded racism explaining that South America has problems because they aren’t blessed by God???? I honestly can’t believe this is real.
Oh god. Christian colonialist propaganda, ugh. I fear what this kid is going to read when that joke of a history book gets to slavery and the treatment of Native Americans.
That’s criminal! What will the next generation be like?
Is this history book published by a conservative college in Pensecola, Florida? Or another in Greenville, SC? If so, I have probably read that exact same history book.
I don’t know if you can use another history book to supplement the one the student is using, but back when I was homeschooled, my mom also used A History of Us by Joy Hakim, published through Oxford University Press. She compared the ultra-conservative textbook to the Hakim book and we ended up with a fairly better balanced understanding of US History. (We also somehow didn’t end up hating US History, but really enjoyed looking at how the books presented different information.) It’s available on Amazon, and I think PBS has a teacher’s guide to go with it now.
Me too!
No, seriously, OP was describing it and I was like “Oh I remember learning that.”
My husband grew up with those Pensacola textbooks.
OP, if that’s the book, watch out for the part where the Trail of Tears “brought many Indians to Christ” and the part where the Communists exaggerated the Great Depression and it wasn’t really all that bad.
I will check and see on Monday, the textbooks are all on his Kindle so it’s harder to notice. But wow. I don’t even have words for that.
that’s so appalling. I would have a hard time not swearing if I was tutoring a middle schooler and they were in a school that taught that.
lol at puritans practiced freedom of religion. Maybe teach him about Rhode Island?? I don’t know.
I feel like this should be illegal? Like, there must be some sort of legislation between freedom to publish whatever garbage vs. textbook publisher being able to make money on such garbage vs. being able to assign it to children?
Just…be careful. You don’t end up at a school like that by accident. His parents want and expect him to learn this version of history. They are very unlikely to appreciate explicit interference by a tutor. I’m not saying don’t subvert, but you have to be subtle about it. I’d focus on the aspects more easily rebutted by facts (e.g., Puritan freedom of religion, unregulated capitalism at Jamestown); present the questions and let the kid do his own thinking about them. (That’s what he needs to be doing, anyway.) Provide a model and a sense that maybe there’s more information out there than in his textbook. If you take on the dominionist part directly, you’re going to end up fired/kicked out of the program.
Normally I would totally agree. Luckily in this case, I work for the family directly, and I know his mother pretty well at this point. His parents aren’t really academic, but wanted their kids to be more school oriented, so I think they went private Christian school with small classes sizes nearby? great, done.
I think as long as I avoid directly criticizing his teachers, and just go with “history is filtered by personal biases and you should always read any history book with an eye towards what they are trying to convince you to believe” should be okay. I also think I should read ahead in his history book and if there is more coded racial stuff, which seems likely, tell his parents so they can talk to him about it. His dad’s hispanic and his mom’s black, and I’ve heard the kids talk about racial issues before, so it seems like something I should give to them to approach.
Yep. You’re not teaching history, you’re teaching critical thinking.
WOW. This sounds more like the shenanigans we see down here in Texas. Just goes to show… something.
I’m sorry I don’t have any advice, just wanted to share in your incredulity.
My little one is 2 and I am already dreading how we’re basically going to have to home school or burn all of her books because… ugh. Even in Austin.
Have you talked to his parents about it? Maybe it’s time to pick up a copy of Lies My Teacher Told Me? I hope they are aware of what is in his textbooks, but if not, they really, really need to know this, because not only is it totally false, it could seriously impair his ability to get into mainstream colleges.
Also, I am still open to suggestions of audio books that my daughter (14) and son (16) and I might enjoy together on our road trip next month.
How do you feel about Lois McMaster Bujold?
Haven’t read any, but we do generally like sci-fi.
Oh wow do you have a treat in store! For a car ride with teenagers I would start with The Warrior’s Apprentice, which is funny & dramatic space opera with a hyperactive physically handicapped protagonist. It’s an early novel so it’s not the best Bujold by any means, but it’s a great place to start the series.
Took this advice for my seven hour round trip drive this week, did not regret it one bit.
Mary Roach books seem like they’d be fun for audio.
Good call!
Have you listened to the Artemis Fowl books? They’re pitched more at mid grade than young adult but as a fully grown adult I enjoyed them a lot and they’re pretty breezy.
I have not, thanks for the rec!
honestly, the harry potter audiobooks are GEMS, and i am sad it took me this long to listen to them.
agatha christie could also be fun!
I keep hearing that about Harry Potter! Thank you!
The Scorpio Races is a fantasy with flesh-eating horses by Maggie Stiefvater has two great narrators. Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe is about two boys in Texas in the 1980s who fall in love and Lin-Manuel Miranda narrates. My roommate just listened to Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry and said the narrator was excellent; she also loved the Anansi Boys audiobook.
Great options! Thanks!
Oh hey! Another vote for Anansi Boys!
Seconding Harry Potter!!! Also the Temeraire series by Naomi Novik.
Thank you!
Lock In by John Scalzi might work. It has two different audiobook narrators, Amber Benson and Wil Wheaton, so you can pick one or do both.
The Abhorsen books by Garth Nix (book 1 is Sabriel, book 2 is Lirael, book 3 is Abhorsen). They’re narrated by Tim mothereffin’ Curry!!!!
Where are you going? I have some very strong memories of road-tripping through the Southwest listening to Tony Hillerman’s mystery novels following members of the Navajo Tribal Police, although it was long enough ago that I remember any specific books to recommend.
Lenny Henry’s reading of Anansi Boys was terrific and probably jump-started my husband and I reading to one another before bed.
Lenny Henry reading Anansi Boys is up in my top best-audiobooks-ever list, along with Code Name Verity and On the Jellicoe Road.
I really loved the BBC radio adaptation of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Not exactly an audiobook, but excellent for long trips.
Depends on your feelings towards religion and kids going through a lot of deep shit, but I love Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy!
Really well written, thought provoking and a kick ass heroine!
I promised photos of my new cat but then didn’t deliver. I should be shamed. However, here is a picture of my new cat.
http://i1307.photobucket.com/albums/s599/klynnhaa…
Also I feel like I’m 65 and on the internet and idk how to properly share images. I fail as a millennial.
Beautiful cat! (if you paste in the contents of the ‘html’ box on that page, it will come up embedded)
Another picture of my new cat next to the “official saying” for a cat.
Omg, I want that bag.
Me too! Or maybe as a workout shirt…
Oooh, embroidery sampler idea!
aww, cute little tortie!
Pritty kitty!
Guys, I am just as brokenhearted as Nicole about this video going around of a teacher ripping up a kid’s paper. But seeing some comments about white women teachers (which I am) on twitter and my heart went still. Wow there’s a lot of hatred of us. I basically want to respond #NotAllWhiteWomen, but yeahhh that’d be missing the point. What’s a better way to respond?
I think this would be a good place to talk about teachers, and the important work that so many of them do. We hear about teacher horror stories, and then about exceptionally great teachers, but I think rarely do the Good Teachers get their due – teachers who weren’t groundbreaking, but just, kind, and competent at their job.
It’s also worth discussing the fact that this is a charter school. And not to taint any good charter schools or private school that are there, but they just don’t have the kind of oversight and accountability that public schools can and do.
Definitely! Good teachers who respect their kids.
I think it’s also important to depersonalize it for yourself – someone expressing frustration with white women teachers is not directing it at you specifically. I would legit not respond until it doesn’t feel personal to you any longer, until you can sit with it. Maybe think about the fact that there are HUGE historical problems with white people (and yes, women, in a profession where women are heavily represented) going into black and/or minority communities and “fixing” things. Think about the people who are saying these things probably have some extremely specific experiences – and they’re not upset about these experiences at you. As a white woman myself, I think it’s really important to take time to notice when what *I* feel doesn’t need to be at the forefront of the conversation. I appreciate that you’re pulling back from your initial #NotAllWhiteWomen response.
This is pretty much the perfect reply. Thank you for reminding me to just take a breath, and this is not about me.
Good. Good.
Yeah, I can be really reactive sometimes and it’s been a really big thing (and an ongoing process) to remember to pause and slow down. In all ways, not just when confronting my relationship with institutional injustices!
I agree with amanita. DON’T.
Just listen to what’s being said.
I guess I didn’t really mean literally responding, as in, engaging someone on Twitter, but just, like, my inner personal response. I immediately felt very hurt but I’d rather think differently. I will definitely listen 🙂
I agree with the others who are saying don’t.
If you decide to give it a go, and you find yourself getting defensive, stop. Remember that it’s not about you, and delete your post.
Imagine how you would want to see a male friend respond to a story about misogyny instead of saying #NotAllMen. If, for example, you condemn the teacher and assert that this kind of abuse is always unacceptable, you will have voiced solidarity with that kid instead of making it about you.
Today the Small Press Expo 2016 Lottery for table space opened up, marking the start of an emotionally challenging month of waiting for cartoonists, including me.
SPX is a beautiful small press comic convention in Bethesda, Maryland. SPX has been really successful, and attendance, and interest in table space, has grown dramatically. Unlike a lot of comic conventions, SPX isn’t fully curated… as long as you make comics, you can get a table. They do reserve a bunch of spaces for accomplished cartoonists who get an invite to the show, but the point is that having no name recognition and no critical acclaim does not disqualify you.
As an attendee, I absolutely love this about SPX. Seeing and talking and reading the work of people at all different levels of success and ability who are united by a passion for comics really excites me. I’ve discovered new work and make new friends and every time I go I leave with massive amounts of creative energy.
As a creator, particularly one with less name recognition, and critical acclaim, SPX’s partially curated nature is enormously exciting. And, with the success of SPX, there just isn’t enough space to give everyone a spot. And so in recent years they’ve started a lottery for the spots they have.
Last year was my first year applying to the lottery. And, despite the odds probably not being in my favor, when I didn’t get in, I was devastated. I was so excited about my work at the time and I think I had kind of worked myself into a mindset that success was inevitable.
This year, I’m coming out of a bit of a cartooning lull, so I’m definitely in a better state to accept failure. But I hope I get in.
And, though this may slightly hurt my chances, if you have the means to be in the Bethesda area around September and you make comics yourself, you should really consider applying for the lottery: http://www.spxpo.com/lottery
And, short of that, if you like independent comics and are around in September, you should definitely come by, and possibly visit my table.
I have been wanting to go to SPX for the past couple years and have never had the chance to! Do you have your work online? I’d love to see it!
Good luck and I hope you get in!
You should! Either as an attendee (I know) or as an exhibitor (I would imagine) it is so wonderful. I suppose I already said that in my big block of text, but I really mean it.
Also, I’m looking at your tumblr and I like your work! ‘Fifty’ was wonderful and I can imagine being really happy if I picked that up at a convention.
My work’s on my website, here: http://cowbirdsinlove.com/newreader.
I didn’t get in on the curated side this year, so I’ll be with you in the lotto, Sanjay!
I feel like I’m fully prepared to not get in, though. It’ll be sad, since I’ve been going for about 7 years now (and it wouldn’t make sense to travel in without a table), but I’ve got another big project I’m working on this year that leans even further away from comics than previous projects, so it wouldn’t be the worst thing.
SPX is definitely more fun when you have a few friends exhibiting, so that’s disappointing to hear. Glad you are in the lottery at least.
And I’m excited for your next big project, sequential art related or not.
I’ve been a big proponent of the half curated/half lottery system for small shows that can’t expand.
It sucks to be on tenterhooks, but I remember when the show was “first come, first served” and folks on the West coast had to air-mail their applications via $$FedEx$$ to have any chance at getting in. Eventually you WILL get to exhibit, and it will be great – and your work will be better and more mature than it was the first time you applied.
I remember that! It was bananas. Quite a few creators I follow were understandably unhappy with the situation and a lot of people were pretty stressed out. I’m glad they aren’t doing that any more.
Whether the SPX ever works out for me, I know they got to this point after careful consideration of how to achieve all their goals while minimizing unhappiness. I really trust the goodness of the people running the show, and that helps a lot.
I love SPX (as a visitor) and have gone for years, but they outgrew that Bethesda space years ago and I think are too stubborn to admit it. 🙁 It’s a fantastic convention for many reasons, but it’s gotten impossible to navigate – they do a pretty good job of putting the big-name guests/publishers along the edges where there’s more space for people to clump together and line up, but I don’t think they can always anticipate which exhibitors will draw a crowd, and the flow of traffic gets messed up, etc.
Again, I love it, but I haven’t been able to stay long for the past few years because I end up so hot and claustrophobic I just have to leave. I wish they would re-evaluate their space.
Guys last night the proprietor of a well-regarded bakery in town stopped by the library and tossed two enormous bags of fully-cooked dinner rolls on the circulation desk. ‘Anyone want free bread?’ NOBODY DID BUT ME. So now I have a freezer full of dinner rolls and have been living on nothing but rolls dipped in pesto and Reese’s Mini Cups since.
What great meals did you eat this week?
That proprietor sounds like a literal angel. Free bread! For librarians! What a joy. Anyway, last Saturday I had kosher Chinese food at a jazz/klezmer dance party that was pretty delicious, as far as kosher Chinese food goes.
Sushi. Delivered. It felt incredibly luxurious.
That sounds sooooo good. Family member was in town last weekend with her 7-month-old daughter and insisted on going out for Indian food. I had the bestest aloo mutter (potatoes and peas in a onion-tomato sauce) and even had leftovers to inhale earlier in the week.
I just finished my dinner of zander, potatoes, and black salsify with bechamel sauce and am now enjoying a stupidly expensive, but very delicious cup of mango sorbet.
Roasted brussel sprouts! So simple and so delicious.
No one else wanted free bread? WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!
That budget bytes ‘poor man’s burrito bowl’ recipe is pretty. damn. good. A++, would eat again.
Had a weird interview (story below) what do y’all think?
I really liked this guy personally but he would be my main boss-type person and I was taken aback by one thing. In his office, in addition to 6 poster sized pictures of endangered animals with “extinction is forever” on them, he also had a beautifully framed set of original confederate currency. He gave off liberal vibes (I know he is on the board of a major homelessness charity and he heads the pro bono practice), many of the associates in his practice area are not white (I am) and they all seem to love him. The confederate money thing is giving me pause, am I overthinking this.
Maybe it was a gift from a family member and he feels like he has to hang this thing in his office until that person dies…? It is weird though.
…maybe is it is his Reminder to Self about how bad things can be? no idea, trying to think of charitable explanations. very weird / concerning.
He might have a passion for old things, especially old money, I don’t know. I wouldn’t let it be a dealbreaker. How much does your job relate to discussing the Confederacy?
There is a certain kind of person that can/will make everything a discussion of the Confederacy.
Although I think if you got/get through the interviews with out any weirdness I’d chalk it up to passion for weird old things and hope for the best.
Do people collect paper money the way they collect coins? (Genuinely asking — I don’t know.)
I think if you didn’t get any other red flags, it’s probably just a weird collector/history buff thing. I used to have some… odd… framed things in my office, and in each case the actual object had come to me through a project I’d worked on. They were fond reminders of things I was proud of having accomplished, but without context, yeah, I could see someone being a little offended. (Though, I never displayed anything so “WTF?” as Confederate currency.)
I think it’s less common because paper money is so much more fragile. Confederate currency is probably a lot easier to find than US currency from that period, because it was taken abruptly out of circulation at the end of the war rather than being used until it wore out.
I don’t know what this guy is doing with a framed set of Confederate bills on his wall, but I agree that if it was the only red flag and the guy does good works and is a well-liked boss then it’s not enough of a reason not to take the job.
I wouldn’t worry about it. To me (as a southerner), a piece of confederate currency would just be an interesting old antique, and sometimes they came from specific states (I think) so it might just be a memento from a state he likes or comes from. People collect all sorts of money and manuscript material. It’s not like displaying the confederate flag.
It’s been a swoony week, and not in a good way. In the continuing saga of my bone juice, on Tuesday I got blood drawn to test for bone marrow donation compatibility and it wrecked me. Like, tyrannosaurus rekt (but again, not in a good way). I starred out and spent a good 45 minutes reclining in a dark room while sipping soda and assuring the nurses I was still alive. I’ve spent the rest of the week feeling wobbly, especially if I am late eating meals, as I so often am.
I do not think I could survive as a Victorian heroine- all this hand-to-forehead weakness is not compatible with my lifestyle.
Apt, fitting, & very much appreciated. A++ gif use.
“I gave the Bartender the week off” more like “I am the Bartender and always have been” I’m on to you
Have we ever seen Nicole and The Bartender comment on the same posts? No?
😀
This comment is so buried, but—–
Seconding how awesome Toast comments are! Thank you to everyone who commiserated/told me things would be ok after my job-hunting meltdown the week before last. Things are still the same, but I don’t feel as alone in this obnoxious and frustrating life situation.
The-Toast.net is life; that is all.
Since there does not seem to be a crafting thread yet, I will start one! What is everyone working on?
After not knitting anything for five years I have suddenly been seized by the crafting bug again (probably something to do with being done school and starting a job and now my free time is not filled with stress over the fact that I am not doing that homework thing I should really be doing). Currently I am making a scarf. Next I want to make one of the socks in this collection, which brings me to the point of this post! The small town I am currently living in has sparse options for yarn and I’m thinking I’d like to order some online. I have not ordered yarn online before, so Toasties tell me what your favourite places for ordering yarn (in Canada) are!
Also, what are y’alls favourite types of sock yarn?
i am trying to gear up for some woodworking projects that need to happen in my house [some shelves and cabinets] but it’s kind of overwhelming right now. one thing we need is to replace a crappy prefab medicine cabinet with a built-in one, and i’m dreading anything going wrong, leaving us with a big scary hole in the wall even for 1 day.
i would like to knit or crochet something simple, but i have to brush up on how to read patterns. i’m determined to get beyond the scarf and hat stuff and make a simple sweater, maybe a sleeveless one to start? it seems like this should be fairly easy, but i haven’t taken the plunge yet.
I would also like to knit a sweater (actually cardigan, I look terrible in pullover sweaters) this year. I knitted for five years before taking my unscheduled five year break and yet have never done so! What I dread is putting all that work in and then having it not fit or look awful.
not sure about your style and so on, but $5 in Paris (http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/5-in-paris) was my first sweater. It is very easy and I get compliments all the time!
So, my favourite yarn shop in town (super lovely, super knowledgeable, super delightful staff) survived the 90s and early 00s with an online shop. The website still looks it, but the yarn is great: http://www.yarnfwd.com/
Regia sock yarn is excellent (check the sock yarn section above), and I have been consistently impressed with every skein I have ever bought from these delightful people: https://www.etsy.com/ca/shop/turtlepurl?section_i…. O, and Zauerballs are fun, too, and good weight. Protip: always get something with acrylic for feets. Otherwise you will wear through your heels much too quickly.
O, and if you are on ravelery, my username is the same there 😀
Zauberballs <3 Opal has also great self-striping sock yarns, especially the Hundertwasser-inspired colourways. They look exactly like you would imagine.
Also: I prefer bamboo fibre over acrylic – I hate knitting with acrylics, and bamboo is just as sturdy. I’m spinning my own yarn, too, and am still experimenting with a perfect sock mix, but bamboo and nylon have given me nice results.
This is Extremely Useful Information. I used bamboo to make myself sweat bands, and it is fantastique, MUCH superior to acrylic. Thanks!
Hurray, I’m useful!
In many more ways than this, i am positive.
I just friended you! My username is the same on ravelry as intensedebate as well.
Huzzah for e-friends! I am lazy on Ravelry, tho. You are warned 😉
I’m knitting a loop scarf, in the most beautiful and most ridiculously expensive yarn. It’s my first ever knitting project (ok, since I was about 5), and I’m finding it relaxing and enjoying seeing it grow. Very grateful to my brother’s ex-gf who got me started.
Quilters!! Is anyone doing the splendid sampler?? They’re posting 2 blocks/week for a year. I could fit 2 blocks a week into my schedule and I desperately want to do some sewing for myself but I also have a ton of other stuff to work on. Plus I worry about running out of steam and having some number of sad lonely blocks.
Here’s the info for anyone interested: http://www.thesplendidsampler.com/
No, not doing the splendid sampler. But if you do end up with lonely blocks, you can make kennel quilts! I’ll be participating at my local quilt shop to make some for our local animal shelters!
kennel quilts
a) If you’re a knitter and from Canada: I sincerely hope you’re reading the Yarn Harlot’s blog? I bet she has recommendations for online yarn shops.
b) I was wondering where the crafting thread was! I’m very lazy with my knitting and spinning right now. I’m finishing a pair of boring socks this weekend, and then I’ll have to do something about a winter sweater I’ve been knitting since Christmas. I’m bad with project larger than a scarf.
But: I’ve got myself two books from Hunter Hammerson (Curls, and The Knitter’s Curiosity Cabinet) and am pretty much in love and will knit every single itme in them and somebody please stop me.
c) those socks you’ve linked are adorable, and I suddenly realized I urgently need cat-faced socks.
a) I am not reading yarn harlot’s blog, which is weird because when I just went to it I realized I own (and love) her book Knitting Rules.
c) I am having such hard time deciding whether I will make the cat socks first or the roller girl socks.
a) you should start, she’s hilarious and her comment section is almost matching The Toast’s. Almost. The best time of the year is Bike Race week.
c) Why not both! And then give them to me.
I’m continuing to explore sewing more. My seams are increasingly less wonky! I’m also trying to set a loose resolution of sorts to wear at least one thing I’ve made a week. In the spirit of that, I’m going to reblock some sweaters that I knit that don’t quite sit right but should definitely be salvageable.
I just need to block and sew the buttons onto my cardigan, and then it’ll be done! So excited.
As for favorite sock yarns, I really enjoy “Premier Yarns Deborah Norville Serenity” sock yarns (a mouthful, I know!). It’s incredibly soft (merino/bamboo!), the colors are lovely, and you can find it at Joann’s no problem.
I am crocheting my sister this really pretty braided cowl thing that she asked for and I’m extra happy because I know she will like it so her birthday is squared away AND I already had leftover baby soft yarn in the color she wanted so it cost me nothing extra, which makes me happy in my temporary spending fast.
My sister knit me a scarf 10 years ago when she was learning to knit and it is big and warm and I still use it. I love the fact that a thing my sister made has kept me warm for so long, which is to say, that sounds like a lovely gift!
I am working on making functional and attractive envelopes out of pretty much anything I can get my hands on! I am not very good at cutting paper down to perfect squares, however, and my envelope punch board relies upon measurements to the 8th of an inch, so I am considering buying a package of 9×9 origami paper and going to town on it. 🙂
Along with the making envelopes, we are slowly working on figuring out how to make our own stationery… very, very slowly. I think we need some stencils. Or some stamps!
Does Knitpicks deliver to Canada? Because I think 99% of our unused yarn comes from there.
This little pattern has been my go to project for a couple of months http://www.purlsoho.com/create/2011/09/22/whits-k…
Only I haven’t made a full sized one yet. Ice made 4 with standard sized yarn and size 7 needles, 3 with bulky yarn and size 10 needles and now I’m trying a tiny one with patrons grace and size 1 needles (sooo tiny!). Also, I use just double point needles the whole way because I’m playing with the size and am having difficulty getting the length right. Getting to the point I can knock out an owl in a weekend.
Toasties,
You know it’s gonna be a night of drinking when you’ve got a giant project due at the end of the day and you’re dealing with clients who are VERY particular, a boss who has ghosted, and editors who have very little common sense and poor reading comprehension.
Work struggles anyone?
Work struggles, ahoy! I’ve been slammed today, and Fridays are typically lighter for me. Lots of information for time sensitive briefing memos had to be gathered and edited, queries answered, new projects added to my plate, ugh. I do have a super supportive boss but my clients are…particular…as well. I’m going to happy hour with my co-workers so we can drown our collective terribly busy days in pizza and booze.
My boss isn’t too bad as far as the actual work stuff goes, but can be enragingly insensitive. He regularly makes comments along the lines of “women are crazy” or jokingly tells people that they should admit themselves to a psych ward, and just today at lunch he was saying “I’m pretty sure the Property Brothers are gay, NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.” -_-
It’s extra frustrating, too, because he is usually a very supportive and helpful boss, so I forget how awful he can be. Then he says something shitty and the cycle starts over again.
YES but nothing I can post about even under a pseudonym. Suffice to say someone higher up the ladder than I am thinks it’s okay to use her position to treat me as less than an equal human being and it made me so angry. I’m still navigating how to deal with the situation and it’s enraging and taking way too much energy that I don’t have to spare. I hope your work struggles clear up soon and leave you looking fantastically competent and brilliant!
That is maddening and disappointing and sad, and I am so so sorry. *hug*
Ugh, god. That’s the worst. My work struggles have cleared up (for the most part) for this week and everything worked out. I just hope that you find a way to cope or even get out of that nasty situation.
Thank you. So glad to hear things are clearing up for you, at least!
I’m honestly starting to think about looking for other jobs because I’m feeling very taken-for-granted at the mo’ and that is 100% unacceptable because I am fabulous and these assholes need to be reminded of that.
Not a work struggle per se as I’m a PhD student, but during one of our recent meetings my adviser asked me to keep an eye out for panels at our big national conference that would be a good fit for him, and told me to make sure to introduce him to up-and-comers in our shared subfield. So, you know, like all that good mentor stuff that in theory he should be doing for me. There was drinking that day.
*facepalm*
Anyone want to talk k-dramas? I just finished Seonman Girls High School Investigators and loved it and now I’m watching Answer Me 1988, which is giving me all the feelings. Anyone seen it?
I think Seonman Girls High School Investigators is on Netflix now isn’t it? At any rate I have been thinking of watching it.
I have not finished Answer Me 1988 and I probably won’t because I found out that the love triangle does not end the way I want. I know I should like it for more than just the main romance plotline but…experience shows that if that plot thread does not end the way I want it will sour the whole show for me.
I’ve been thinking of watching The Awl. It sounds like a not-quite-as-good-as-Misaeng-but-still-good-and-similar type of show. I loooooooooved Misaeng.
I also found that out and was upset about it but I’m going to soldier on. Now I’m trying to focus more on the family relationships and the friendships and I hope my heart will heal eventually.
Ooh, thanks for mentioning Misaeng! I haven’t seen it yet, but it is added to the list. I have been watching on Hulu, btw.
Misaeng is fantastic, it is however, a bit of a heavy watch at times. This is precisely what makes it so good, but I know my sister waited to watch it because she was not in a mood to handle it.
I have not yet watched any k-dramas but I would really like to.
First, however, I must watch the Thai boys-love drama that got a writeup in the New Yorker!
Dispatches from Weird Science: I will be spending the afternoon making various slimes and non-Newtonian fluids with chemicals I can find in the lab, and this is for legitimate work reasons.
I just set up a recurring donation to the Toast, because I look forward to coming here pretty much every day. Obviously the posts are consistently awesome, but the community is just beyond amazing. And as if that needed any further confirmation right now, a KIDNEY. A freaking kidney!
So, if I can afford to give a tiny little bit to a place that has already given back so, so much? No brainer, it’s totally worth it. Y’all are the best, and I’m just happy to be here.
My grandfather is in the hospital for some kind of heart failure. He’s been in and out the past year, mostly for strokes, so this is a new one.
He and I did not always see eye-to-eye (mostly because he is a dyed-in-the-wool conservative type) but he was one of the few members of my family who was totally sane and kind, and I will miss him a lot if anything happens to him.
If anyone was wondering, I did order the Baby Feet from last week’s post. It is, as promised, amazing.
Baby Foot???? IT IS SO AMAZING
Thank you for letting us know and I’m sorry I didn’t get to this until now (stupid Friday afternoon meeting ugh)! I’m gonna give it a try right at the end of socks-and-boots season.
I just finished reading Sue Perkins’ memoir Spectacles and really liked it – not only was it funny enough to make me laugh out loud, but she came across as very kind and thoughtful, which is always nice. I particularly liked the section where she talked about how she tries to make sure she’s thinking about who might be affected by the things she says, and the necessity not just to make stuff up because it’s funny without considering people’s feelings. It was a relief, as sometimes memoirs tend to make people come across worse – I was really disappointed after reading David Mitchell’s, as he just seemed unnessarily cruel (there were a few trans jokes, which made me uncomfortable) and conservative.
Oh, that’s so lovely! I hope it’s available in libraries on audiobook in the States…
I liked it too! Her family seems so lovely. I did keep stopping to google her girlfriends and to watch clips of Maestro on youtube.
I have bronchitis. In place of pity, please as generous as the kidney donor.
Ugh, I have gotten bronchitis so much in the last few years. I feel for you, dude.
I just got over bronchitis. It sucks. I hope you get better soon.
I am very sorry; bronchitis is horrible. (I went to school with it once, not knowing that I had it, just that I couldn’t really breathe. It was not fun.) Get better soon!
Anyone want to talk about dealing with anxiety and panic attacks with me? I’ve had the occasional panic attack over the past few years, and the other night I had my worse one yet. I’m seeing a doctor and having bloodwork done (I have Hashimoto’s and the doctor thinks I might be overmedicated, which can lead to anxiety), and the plan is to spend the next month working hardcore to reduce stress in my life and then evaluate if I want to try medication. I feel good about this plan in general, but I need tips on stopping the attacks while they’re happening. Mine happen primarily at night, right when I’m trying to fall asleep, so going for a walk (which is my preferred method for relaxing) is out. I do get out of bed and go to the bathroom to get a drink of water, but that only helps a little.
I don’t have anything productive say but: maaaaan fuck Hashimoto’s one of my friends has it and it took them years to get the dosage right, that shit sucks.
Thanks! I feel like when I was diagnosed my doctor acted like it was nbd and was going to super easy to fix, and then that has not proven to be the case. I was definitely undermedicated for a while and was so tired all of the time, and now I’m not tired but I am keyed up, and it sucks. I want to find the happy medium! I’m glad it’s not just me who’s had trouble getting the right dosage.
I’m so grateful to my current doctor who is like “well if you feel that bad at the higher dose and your TSH is fine, I’m not gonna chase the T4.”
I’ve got GAD and a thyroid disorder (I have Grave’s disease but my current sitch is hypo because of radioactive iodine, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still go wonky and I have to adjust my meds occasionally, just so you know where I’m at). I used to get to sleep by basically taking a bunch of benadryl and then reading until I fell asleep. I’ve found actually though, that that doesn’t work all the time, or help me stay asleep or get good sleep, so lately I’ve been working on a more relaxing and calming bedtime routine, which has helped me fall asleep more reliably and stay asleep a little better. My current routine is kinda involved, but basically I take my non-sleep evening meds plus a benadryl (helps keep my sinuses and eyes from freaking out overnight), take a shower (no hair washing so I’m not cold!), take my anxiety meds and a melatonin, do 10 minutes of mindfulness meditation, then read for a half hour but ONLY websites that make me happy (CakeWrecks, Critique My Dick Pic, Texts From Last Night, that kind of thing). Then, if I’m still feeling keyed up, I do this thing called “progressive muscle relaxation,” which is basically tensing and releasing your muscle groups. Sometimes I just do it myself, and sometimes I do a guided meditation type of thing for it. I’ve been sleeping a TON better, and if I still have insomnia, I have some emergency Xanax to take.
Best wishes, endocrine issues are the worst and so is not being able to sleep. hope this helps!
Thank you, this is super helpful! I actually tried to fall asleep last night with the benadryl and reading method and it was not great. I should try the shower thing more regularly–I shower at nights when I work out and I’m always more relaxed after.
Do you have any specific apps/books/sites/whatever you use for the mindfulness meditation and the guided muscle relaxation? I don’t currently do anything like that but I’m starting to think I really should.
Also, good call on only reading things that make you happy. Last night I started a novel in bed but it turned out to be really dark and kind of scary, so I ditched that for a more pleasant non-fiction book.
YEP! I downloaded the Headspace app, and go through my favorite days of the free “take 10” for evening meditations (I am particularly fond of Day 8 and Day 6). I also use “Guided Mind,” though some of their content is a little woo-woo-y and some of the stuff isn’t my favorite (guided imagery like floating on a cloud — not so good for people with bad fear of heights!!!!!). That’s where I found the progressive muscle relaxation one, and they have a great couple of two-minute meditations that I use in the mornings.
Thanks! I’m downloading them now.
I find that little mental activities help. Get a book of crossword puzzles, or try to list things like every US president, state capitols, whatever sort of thing you memorized in school. You may be able to reroute your brain out of the panic spiral and towards a straightforward task.
Also helps to eat some bread and maybe drink a glass of milk. And honestly when I am REALLY freaking out at night (I get falling-asleep attacks too) it can be helpful just to move to another room and lie down on the couch instead.
I like to pick a category of Thing I know a lot about (minerals, cooking terms, foods, Terry Pratchett characters) and try to think of one for each letter of the alphabet.
I bought a crossword puzzle of the day calendar and I am already horribly behind, so I’m going to put some of the undone past days in my bedside table drawer.
Moving to a different room is also a good idea , since after a while I’m pretty sure I start associating my bed with bad feelings and that doesn’t help break the cycle.
Yeah, I have recently begun seeing how far I can make it singing through the Hamilton soundtrack in my head before I fall asleep.
…pretty far, btw.
YES, I do this too to stave off my pre-sleep panic attacks! Before Hamilton was in my life I would mentally recite Shakespeare or name weird animals in alphabetical order – anything that is soothing and knocks you brain out of the blind panic spiral. Also telling myself ‘It is the middle of the night and time to sleep, there is nothing I can do about [thing] right now and I will solve that problem later” helps me if I’m dwelling on specific stressful things like bills or work.
I’ve had panic attacks for years and unfortunately it just doesn’t get easier, does it? Gah.
By the time I’ll finally post this, it’s probably really repetitive, but oh well.
What helps for me:
Fluids are good, definitely. This square breathing exercise really helps when I hyperventilate. Alternatively a cool, wet piece of cloth on the back of my neck, or a hot water bottle can be helpful. I like to put my arms in the sink and let cool water flow over them. I’ve got a bit of a thing for junk food, but I notice that my panic attacks are worse if I don’t eat light. If I can, I avoid bright, flashing screens or lights before sleeping (I usually don’t do that).
Calm music, maybe in a loop, or an audio book may help – in any case I find that a good set of ear enclosing headphones helps, because I react strongly to sound. My favourite calm-music is the Coexist album of the XX.
I find Welcome to Nightvale maybe oddly calming, because it’s so gently earnest about the world being, in fact, a dangerous place, and that’s okay. And the speaker’s voice is calming.
I like to crochet, or do other repetitive tasks with my hands, because they shiver.
If I can’t leave my bed, that’s okay. If I don’t want to see people, that’s okay, too. Talking to someone I trust might be good, though. Tea. Red light. Cuddles. Fluffy clothes. Maybe a shower…
Oh I forgot about my white noise app! It’s been SO great in helping me not focus on all the, you know, ghoulies and ghosties and serial killers that I am certain are what is behind all the creaks and groans my very old house makes at night.
ooooh I forgot about an app as well! The SAM App developed by the University of the West of England is quite helpful. They’ve got a basic set of tools to help with anixiety.
I’m downloading it now! The tracker function looks especially helpful.
It is! I’m mostly too confused to track my anxiety regularly, but I’ve been trying to make a routine out of it…
A cold washcloth to the forehead or neck or arms sounds really good.
Also, music or white noise would probably help too. I have the world’s loudest upstairs neighbors (after previously having really nice ones) and they make a lot of noise at all times. Even when they’re quiet, I’m half-anticipating the noise starting up at any time.
There are some good recommendations here: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-…
For me I find a progressive muscle relaxation useful at night- I don’t listen to a recording all the time, but I will just focus on how each part of my body is feeling.
I can’t say enough good things about progressive muscle relaxation, oh my gosh.
I struggle with panic attacks too. They happen rarely, thank goodness, but that means it’s hard for me to get them under control when they do strike. I second what others have said (and learned some new tips from these comments, thanks Toast!)
One thing that I would add that has helped me is physical touch. If you have a partner, wake them up and ask to be held. If not, it sounds weird, but hug yourself, stroke your arms, etc. I find this helps to comfort and ground me a little.
I think the plan to reduce stress before trying medication is a good one; as helpful as medication can be, it can complicate things, especially if you’re on other medications. Another thing (that I’m *just* starting to work on now with the help of a therapist) is identifying triggers for your panic and working on dealing with those.
Best of luck!
Guilty pleasure mind-candy reading until my eyes are too heavy to go on works for me. Or visualization exercises.
Today I have just finished playing Cupid to this whole office and everyone was SO HAPPY to get a dinky little cut-out Valentine’s card and a pack of nerds and some chocolate. There are five dozen roses waiting for this evening’s town hall and everyone’s going to go home feeling special and I’m so chuffed.
Playing Cupid is the most fun. This is why I loved Valentine’s Day through 10 years of singledom. Making people squee like little kids because someone gave them a Valentine is fucking great.
It is a blast! Usually every year I mail out (kid) valentines to all my friends – I’ve not done it for two years running and I really must get it together for next year.
A small child of my acquaintance stopped by my work yesterday with her mom to give me a valentine that she had made (her mom actually made it as she’s only 2 1/2) It was adorable and made me happy all day. It’s making me smile right now as I think about it.
What a sweet gesture. I hope someone does something beautiful for you, too!
You are delightful. I am doing this next year. Bless!
Someone took a screenshot of a comment I wrote on this website a few weeks ago and it went around tumblr and got 300 notes and I feel weird that this makes me a little uncomfortable instead of flattered. Is it weird that I feel weird about it? Has this happened to anyone else?
Nope, that’s super normal that you feel weird. Comments occupy a sort of grey area of not quite private not quite public.
Hm, yeah. I think the weirdness is because whoever took the screencap probably isn’t One Of Us — a lurker, sure, but also probably not a regular lurker. I’ve quoted some Toastie’s comments on Tumblr, but using the quote post, not by screencap, and I always ask before I do. So seeing that screencap go around is a bit of a jolting reminder that Other People Are Watching Us.
Oh, crap, I’ve done the screencap thing on tumblr 🙁 I was drunk at new year’s though so both not thinking terribly clearly and full of toastlove. Thanks for the reminder to not be a dick about it.
Hey, no worries! (Not that I’m Binfluenza, so can’t exactly absolve you as the screencapped party.) I just know that there’s no established etiquette book for these online interactions, and there’s no reason to think you were being intentionally discourteous (i.e., a dick).
I think it’d be less weird if the person posting the screencap was a regular commenter (like you). In my case I’m fairly sure it wasn’t and that’s part of it. It’s like taking a picture through your neighbor’s window of your neighbor’s party vs. being invited to the party and taking a picture. Or something.
Yeah that’s true. I always feel like this website is a private space for the commentariat, but it’s definitely not, I guess that’s why I felt odd about it. I think the quote post is a better alternative… it feels less like you walked into a party, took a photo of someone you don’t know, and then posted it on instagram, or something. Idk.
Yeah, I saw that – it was definitely kinda weird and uncomfortable. :/
It’s definitely not weird to feel weird about it! It caught me off guard when it came across my dash, I hope you don’t mind that I tagged you so you would know about it! I agree with the others here about why it’s a weird situation!
Oh no I don’t mind at all, in fact thanks for tagging me so I knew about it! I also didn’t care when I initially saw it because it had like, 5 notes. I felt weird mostly because it got a whole bunch.
Not weird at all! I know that it’s perfectly legal to do this, but i think we should all ask permission before quoting other people! Otherwise it’s weird and kind of creepy!
That does seem weird! Unless it was the rat story which did seem like it should spread around the world. But to re-pin other comment, that feels strangely appropriative?
Ha, fair enough. I definitely would like the rat story to spread as a PSA for everyone to keep their toilet lids down. But yeah it was a different comment.
Super late to this thread (fucking afternoon meetings), I think yeah, that’s kind of weird. Especially since it sounds like they didn’t ask you and maybe they don’t even know you? So they’re using you without your consent to build internet social capital and that’s kind of gross. It’s one thing to take a screenshot of a tweet (if you check first to make sure they don’t have their own Tumblr where they already posted it), but taking something that wasn’t meant to have widespread distribution isn’t cool.
I don’t in any way want to be all tough love about this, but this is a public site! It’s no different from Twitter in that way.
I think it’s a pretty important principle of the Interwebs to remember that you don’t have control over where your words go if you’re not protected by a restricted login and even there, it’s not 100%. This feels like a conversation but it’s a public one. There are hundreds and hundreds of people who read these comments and don’t ever participate and many of them probably feel like they belong to the site without ever posting, and others are snark-reading.
It is not fun to be reminded of this truth.
Yes. What Trixr said. Yeah, sure, there’s nothing saying this person was doing anything technically wrong. But the way Bifluenza’s situation played out, it was still a jerk move, especially when social capital is a big internet issue and I don’t think it’s weird or naive to agree that she has every right to feel weird about it.
To be very clear, not disagreeing or calling anyone naive! Being taken out of context sucks. The screen capping isn’t cool. It is legit to feel weird and disgruntled.
I have just seen a lot of people blindsided by the coziness of conversational “places” on the Internet over the years into forgetting creeps and nosy people can read them too. It brings out my Mom stuff.
I agree with both Trixr and CleverManka. I just wanted to add that technically, when you’re out on the street people can take pictures of you just because, but doing so is considered creepy by anyone in their right mind. Just because something is a public space, it doesn’t mean there aren’t expectations about what’s acceptable.
That would make me feel weird too. Some (ok, many) years back I saw a comment I had written on one blog straight-up plagiarized by a different commenter on a different blog on a post about the same topic. It was SO WEIRD and made me feel so uncomfortable and like, exposed.
I haven’t seen it but it’s not weird that you’re weirded out. Your comparison with taking pictures of a neighbour’s party is a good one, especially considering the usual tone here. I hope it was nothing too personal or anything. Can you get it taken down? A bunch of gifs I enjoyed using disappeared a while ago because of copyright but I don’t know if this counts or if tumblr support would care.
This is buried but whatever: in response to a rejection email she sent a candidate, my boss just received an email essentially accusing us of ageism and (shudder) “reverse racism” because we declined to call in an “older white male” (who had a rude cover letter) for an interview. He gave an ultimatum! He threatened us with his lawyer!
WTF white male entitlement. WTF.
Ugh. wtf. Well, you dodged a bullet I guess.
I got a rejection letter yesterday, and my response was to thank them and tell them I truly appreciated them at least letting me know.
Yes, your response was the response of a nice, sane job seeker.
And I suppose this is the reason we keep an HR lawyer on retainer. My boss was pretty excited when she remembered she could just pass this along to them.
Wow! That’s just… wow…
this gif is perfect, thank you.
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Passed on to a very talented webdev I know who has performed small miracles for me.
I need help and advice, and I don’t know where else to ask. I’m a regular but going anonymous for reasons that will probably be obvious. It contains extremely nasty stuff so details are below the line.
This is long but I need to say it. I have a horrible situation. My brother has a terrible ex who has declared herself a psychopath and is apparently proud of this. They’re both 18. When they were together she repeatedly cheated on him. She raped him (once as far as I know) and also told him she was pregnant and had had an abortion (this was untrue, I know she used plan b once). The abortion in particular really hurt him, because he felt so guilty about what he believed she had gone through it and also that he hadn’t been allowed to help her. My mother and I supported her through a lot of her own family issues, although I’m now not sure how many of them actually existed… Most of this happened last year.
Recently she’s turned on him, and accused him of being abusive and violent towards her, forcing her to have an abortion, and also cheating on her. She holds quite a bit of social power so most people are on her side and believe her – my brother’s former close friends included.
He wants to go to the police. I’m scared to try and take her on, mainly because I don’t know how far her lies could go, and honestly I’m not sure he could take the stress. But I don’t know what else to do.
this sounds like a situation where you write up a log of past behavior and keep a current one of any new behavior, save all voicemails, texts, emails, whatever, and find any way to document what is going on. then go to police. possibly a restraining order is appropriate here, but they may have advice on other options.
Most attorneys will see you for an initial consultation without charge. They can give you good advice.
Seconding this.
This is awful. Get help. Get help now.
Document everything. Get him into therapy. Make an initial contact with the police. Take Rosecamelia’s suggestion and contact an attorney first if you are fearful re: the police, but I have been told unless someone has marks, the squeaky wheel gets the grease and if you contact them first, you have an advantage.
I’m so sorry. My brother was also involved with someone like this. We believe that she is either a narcissist or has borderline personality disorder, which are related on the spectrum of personality disorders. It can be really difficult to extract yourself from such a relationship. Do some internet searching about how to break it off with such a person — such as: http://esteemology.com/breaking-free-why-breaking…
Late to the party, but I wanted to thank all the Toasties for sending me love yesterday on the occasion of my Hell Period. I’m surfing the crimson wave quite nicely today, thanks to your suggestions of stick on heating pads. They, and you, are the best!
Long-time reader, first time commenter here–Mallory’s Ayn Rand piece yesterday is what finally did it for me, and looking at this kidney thing I can see I’ve found a good place 🙂
Anyway, I went to see Belleville last night, which I hadn’t seen before and which was beautifully acted. Toasties, what are your favorite plays that you’ve seen/read?
Welcome! The Glass Menagerie. Just… gutted. So good.
True facts. I’ve only ever read it.
I just saw it at Ford’s Theatre last night, not having read it since my junior year of high school. (So . . . eleven years ago?)
I had remembered loving it when I read it for school, but had not properly retained how incredible it is. I am so full of feelings about it right now.
Welcome! I haven’t been to many plays in my life. I do remember when I was a teen seeing an awesome and hilarious rendition of Hamlet.
More recently I saw a play in Portland, OR solely because it feature two actors from the TV show Grimm, but the play was very nice! (It was called Three Days of Rain).
Was it the one with Kenneth Branaugh? Because that was the one they showed us in high school, and I honestly remember none of it except for BRIAN BLESSED as Ghost Dad Hamlet, stomping around the woods and being, well, BRIAN BLESSED.
Actually, this was a live performance in Seattle, I unfortunately don’t remember many of the details.
I have seen the Branaugh movie version however! I also watched it in high school.
Welcome and I love your username!!!
I saw a play in Austin, TX that had been written quite recently, and I think by a local playwright. It was called Glassheart by Reina Hardy, there’s a write-up of it here, this summary is apt:
“This week, Shrewd Productions opens Glassheart, Hardy’s irreverent update of Beauty and the Beast, in which its cursed monster, having never met Beauty, is still shaggy but has been reduced to sharing a one-bedroom flat near a 7-Eleven with his last magical servant, the lamp.”
But oh my God, it took on so many huge and heart-rending themes (like identity, and consciousness, and what makes you human), including a lot I’ve written about, so it just knocked the breath out of me. I’ll never forget it. It should be played everywhere.
Thanks! It took me a while to get that if you pronounce it with the guttural “ch” rather than the hard “k,” it means “darkness” in Hebrew, which feels like a small inside joke from the show writers.
Glassheart looks amazing. I love it when writers do close readings of fairy tales and come back with something startling.
Oh wow, that’s awesome! I never knew that.
Oh yes, I love subverted fairy tales too — like all of Mallory’s horrific fairy tales, and Neil Gaiman’s too. (I should mention that Glassheart ran in 2013, alas. Don’t know if the script is available anywhere or what the playwright is up to now.)
Same to both! Mallory’s horrific fairy tales are definitely why I first started reading The Toast. Gaiman I haven’t been reading as much recently, but yeah, he’s definitely one of the Important Writers for me.
I really loved Annie Baker’s The Flick!
And I’m super excited to go see Danai Gurira’s Eclipsed in a few weeks.
OH! Also Jacuzzi by Hannah Bos and Paul Thureen. Saw that at Ars Nova two years ago, still thinking about it.
Oh man, I’ve seen/heard of none of those! It looks like The Flick is playing near me, though, so that might be in the cards when I have a free evening.
Oh try to see it if you can! It won the Pulitzer back in 2014.
I’m not sure if either of the others is published (yet).
I read “The Pillowman” in college and it’s stayed fresh in my brain ever since. I almost don’t want to see it performed because I’d be so disappointed if the production didn’t do it justice.
One of my favorite play-going experiences was seeing Proof at the Peninsula Players in Door County, Wisconsin. They are a summer stock theater that does a lot of lighthearted fare, and we’d seen some of the same actors doing a goofy British farce earlier that week. But Proof was sharp and smart and fascinating. I saw a great production of Art there a long time ago, too, when I was a kid and the idea of a bunch of friends arguing ideas about art felt very exciting and grown-up.
Toasts, how do you cope when you need to remember to do self care but your anxiety/depression/other flavor of jerkbrain keeps you from thinking you deserve it, especially when money is tight?
My own small reminder is to ask myself the basics: Have I eaten. Am I clean. Did I exercise today. Do I need a nap. Usually these are needs that I can meet without much expense, or can scale to suit available means.
Remember that self-care does not have to involve spending money! Take a nice long shower, put on a clean set of clothing, go out for a walk around the block if weather permits.
This is a hard one! Especially because it’s not JUST about money, right? That’s sometimes just a convenient excuse. I dunno, I struggle with this too. I hate the jerkbrain. When it gets really bad for me, I usually find it helps to lower the bar. Sounds like a bummer, but hear me out: Like sometimes I get down on myself for not meeting my unrealistic expectations (like that I will work out, clean the apartment, cook a healthy meal, and go to bed early despite feeling like garbage). So sometimes I have to say, okay, I can’t do all of that, but I CAN take out the trash today. And then I do that, and I feel a LITTLE bit better. It can be so small–I can put on clean underwear, I can take a shower, I can respond to mom’s text. And I might feel only slightly better in the moment, but sometimes it’s enough to get the momentum to swing back into the positive/productive direction, instead of being stuck in the spiral of self-criticism/laziness. Also sometimes this doesn’t work that well, sigh…It’s hard! I feel you though.
Yeah, this resonates a lot with me, because honestly, and no offense to the Toasties who are trying to help, hearing “take a walk around the block” fills me with despair, because I’m still alone and still basically in my house, where I am all day every day already, feeling terrible.
The money is absolutely not the actual issue — it’s just a way for my brain to make me feel bad for being “frivolous” even though my mental health is suffering by staying so isolated in order to “save money.” It’s about feeling like I *deserve* to set aside $20 to go to the bar with a friend so I don’t get even more depressed and anxious, even if there’s some fantastical anxiety-fueled catastrophe that could befall me where that $20 could be needed (my big one is partner’s vasectomy fails and I need an abortion).
As an extrovert, a LOT of advice for self-care and anxiety/depression just really doesn’t resonate with me at all, and the vast majority of my mental health issues stemming from not working/working from home are related to needing to be around people. I try really hard to accept that mental health is important and it’s a valid thing to save money for, but I can’t seem to believe that.
When I need to be around people but don’t want to spend money buying fifteen coffees so I feel like I’m paying enough rent at the cafe, I go to the library. Maybe that would also help you?
This is not a bad idea! I have a library card and have been meaning to check out their cookbooks.
does your library have book clubs that you could join? Doesn’t take money and could be social enough.
I am chiming in again to say that I hear you & that it is really, really hard.
I know for some people who have anxiety issues words like ‘responsibility’ set off a bad spiral, but I am just going to tell you what worked for me, which is to get the *entire thing* off of the deserving/undeserving axis, and off of anything having to do with your beliefs. I talked about feeding my kids in my example below… I don’t feed my kids because they *deserve* to have breakfast, and it has nothing to do with whether or not I believe anything in particular about them. It’s a deeper level than that, it doesn’t matter what I believe or what they deserve, I am responsible for them, so I take care of them. And having that sort of bedrock, we are slowly able to transfer it to our own self-care, first at the basic level (we have to eat every day whether or not we ‘deserve’ to eat) and then at the higher level, like giving ourselves introvert time as is frequently necessary. There is probably no way I will ever feel like I *deserve* the good things in my life, my past was just too messed up for that, but I don’t have to deserve anything, this is not about rewards/punishments, it’s about being responsible to myself & to the other people in my life.
Oh, man, that loneliness spiral, where you need to be around people to feel better but you are too depressed/anxious to actually go be with people. It blows.
Do you have friends who are local who could come hang out at your place? I know it wouldn’t be leaving the house, but maybe just having some people over to watch movies/play games/hang out would help? Depending on your circles, maybe you could even take turns hosting a regular thing, so that everyone can see each other more. I have found that if you say “hey, I am hermiting and that is bad, please help” your friends are usually willing to help.
Do you keep a budget? It might be helpful to intentionally budget some amount of money for social things, and call it “mental health”. Let yourself spend it. IME $20 is not usually the difference between being able to afford something major and not, but if it ever is the case that $20 is all you need to get through a catastrophe, let us know and we will have your back.
Another thought that occurred to me – do you have the time to volunteer? Or join some group activity (a choir, a theater group, a book club, a church, etc)? If you commit to something that involves helping other people while simultaneously being around other people, that might help you feel less guilty about meeting that emotional need for yourself (not that meeting your needs is something that necessitates guilt, but a lot of us feel that way anyway).
Oof, working from home is a doozy. Sometimes my need to be around people can be somewhat fulfilled just by going shopping, but then again I am an introvert and I get enough people in my face at work all day that I crave alone-in-the-house time by the end of the day. But there has GOT to be some kind of message board/online thing/Toastie network for people who work from home who can socialize and share strategies on how to not go crazy. Right?? Or there should be. I dunno, I have no solutions for you but I feel you.
I’d be 100% into the idea of such a network.
Here are some tips, ignore if they’re useless:
– Look for a cafe where things are cheap and you’re not expected to keep ordering in order to sit down. Places where students go to study or use the wifi tend to be good for this.
– If you can’t afford to spend $20 on drinks, find a cheaper or free thing to do with your friends. Unless your friends absolutely insist on only spending time with you in bars, there’s probably other plans you can make together.
– Find free clubs or meetups to join (if there are any)
– Take classes in something. They may not be free, but it may be easier to justify it as investment.
– Take the public transport or walk but go somewhere different for a couple of hours.
– If you live in a city, it probably has sites that list upcoming events and activities. Look it up and see if there’s anything interesting you can do that doesn’t cost any money.
– Volunteer somewhere, it’s also a good way to see people.
I remind my jerkbrain that self-care is a responsibility just like feeding my kids is a responsibility; it is not an optional thing that is about deserving. My kids get fed every meal regardless, and I get self-care on a regular basis regardless.
Lots of toast hugs to you if you would like them!
Wow that’s a really useful way to think about it. Thanks.
I wish I had a better answer than “find friends who will ‘spoil’ you with nice things and nice gestures that you appreciate even as you protest that you don’t deserve it”, but without [Ma’am] and [Bird Lady] and [the tiny prince] (I am not creative enough for aliases I’d remember, so you get bracketted nicknames for my friends) gently shaking me in that way for the past few months I don’t think I’d have made it to that place where I don’t panic spending money on myself and not somebody else.
Going to second blushingflower’s advice and say that saying “look, I’m going hermit-mode, I need people” can actually get folks to show up. Sometimes with cocktail supplies, or ice cream and such things if you don’t drink.
I’m probably too late to the thread for this to be relevant, and i’m not sure how much help it would be for you, but i’ve always found keeping a specific journal for shitty thoughts that i never read back pretty helpful – someimtes, if i just ca’t get past that knot of stress, or anxiety, or depression, I write stream-of-consciousness style and don’t stop until I’ve got it all out. Sometimes I write with the lights off so that I don’t even have too see the words, and when I’m done I move my bookmark to the next clear page, close it, and put it away. I find it a really helpful way of getting rid of strong negative feelings <3 Often, it’s enough to get me to a point where I can then focus on self care, or sleep easy, whichever I need more.
Also candle light – recently I’ve found candle light calms me in a way that going about my evening with the electric lights on just doesn’t?!?
I just found out I tore my ACL skiing and my doctor recommends reconstructive surgery. Does anyone have experience with this? What kind of graft did they use? What was recovery like? I’m very nervous.
Yes, I tore my ACL playing team handball in PE class in college (because of course I did). I also tore my meniscus in the process. I had a hamstring graft. The most annoying part was having to be on crutches for like 3 weeks in Vermont in the winter — getting across the icy/snowy campus was treacherous! I did my physical therapy religiously and was almost back to a full range of motion by about 6 months. I didn’t rush back into my same sports routine, but I did eventually get back into playing rugby and skiing (wearing a brace). It’s been 13 years now and the knee is still good. It does take time, but if you’re patient and do your therapy and exercises, you’ll be fine. Good luck!
Ah crap. I’m really sorry to hear that, but don’t be scared. I live in a ski town and at least one of my friends or colleagues is out with or recovering from a blown knee at any given time and I have seen so many of them come back strong after surgery. If you haven’t seen an ortho, do so – just in case you don’t end up needing to go under the knife. Whatever route you go, be super diligent about rehab. Treat it like it’s part of your job. Do everything the docs and physios recommend. You can do this! Hope the experience wasn’t too traumatic and you’re not feeling much pain.
Oh no, I am so sorry. I don’t have any experience, but I do have this:
My husband is in recovery from an ACL surgery (about a year ago). The worst of it (crutches, lots of icing, bandages, etc.) sucks, but is the shortest part of recovery (a few weeks for him). Rehabbing it back to full strength takes a long time (it has been almost a year now, and he was only cleared to do short runs a few weeks ago). In a lot of ways, the worst part of rehab is just the time…forcing yourself to go to the PT appointments, doing the exercises, etc. The more dedicated you are at the rehab, the better recovery will go. But it can definitely feel like a long, slow slog.
Toast book club!
Last Saturday most folks met to discuss Lafayette in the Somewhat United States by Sarah Vowell. I could not make it so I will be at a straggler’s session *this* Saturday, the 13th, 5pm Pacific (8pm Eastern).
We’ll be meeting in the Toast book club Slack channel, which you can reach by going to https://toastbookclub.slack.com/ If you need a Slack account, let me know (or get in touch directly with stirringsofconsciousness, if you know how to reach her)
Next month will be Wendy Moore’s “Wedlock: The True Story of the Disastrous Marriage and Remarkable Divorce of Mary Eleanor Bowes, Countess of Strathmore” and April’s will be
Rebecca Scherm’s “Unbecoming”. I think we’re usually meeting on the first Saturday of the month.
And lastly, you should join the Google group/mailing list: https://groups.google.com/forum/#!forum/toasties-…
Bump! the date/time is adjustable if it disrupts Galentine’s/Valentines for anybody.
Well now I’m sobbing like a baby at my desk. Toasties are the best forever the end.
Nicole you are a Beast!
Facebook messenger message from my company’s accountant at 6.30 on a Friday: haha our boss is talking about you! (My boss dislikes me and it is mutual.)
Old me: no don’t tell me but tell me let me torture myself with my flaws
New me: Im not interested. Have a good weekend!
And that is that. Happy weekend, toasts!
Aw, man, I missed the first page but I’ll repost from this morning – anyone going to Katsucon this weekend near DC? I KNOW there are nerds on this site…I’ll be there starting tomorrow, let me know if you’re around and want to meet another Toastron!
I am FLOORED by the kidney donation. This is just the best website ever.
When I want to feel badass and powerful I wear a t-shirt featuring my favorite wrestler, a luchador who is a pissed-off skeleton ninja who breaks arms in service to his dark master.
Do any Toasties go to MAGFest? I’m going for the first time this year! It’s going to be strange because I do not play video games and don’t know anything about video game music, but many of my friends go every year so I will not lack for socialization.
So, I feel like I should have this figured out by now, but I don’t, obviously. How can you tell if a guy likes you?
About two years ago, I was at a conference and I saw this guy and I knew immediately that he and I would click and on the last day we ended up eating lunch at the same table and we did click but we didn’t get each other’s contact info. I wasn’t so naive as to believe that I’d ever see him again (at that time, he lived in the upper Midwest) so I set up an eHarmony account. Well, last summer I saw him again at the same conference and this time we got each other’s contact info and he moved to a city three hours away from me to get a job on the west coast. ANYWAY I got rid of my eHarmony account when it expired and I’ve driven to see this guy a few times and when I’m in his area, we do stuff together. The thing is, he says that he likes spending time with me and he always hugs me goodbye really tight and when we’re doing stuff, I’ll look over at him and he’s already looking at me and smiling. He hasn’t offered to come and see me, but I kind of don’t blame him because he’s having problems finding an apartment and full-time job and has a crappy car.
Anyway, I don’t know if I’m coming off too strong and I’m really unsure what to do – if anything – because I was raised extremely conservatively and am now closer to 30 than 20 and still haven’t held hands with a guy let alone done anything else. Not that I mind, because at this point I’ve waited so long I might as well keep waiting. I just want to know if he likes me as a friend or if there is potential for more.
Lastly, the guys on eH were generally nice, but almost all of them were weirdly compelled to tell me immediately their views on birth control and why I should or should not be on it. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, BROS
So, it is very annoying how simple the answer to this question is: the only real way to tell if a guy likes you is if he says “I like you”. Everyone on earth has been in the position of wondering and looking for magic definitive signs, because asking is terrifying, but the only way you’re ever really going to find out is if you ask. Have you thought about saying “Hey, I like you as more than a friend. Is that how you’re feeling too?” I totally empathize if your immediate reaction is that you’d rather hide in a cave for the rest of your life, but I bet if you bite the bullet you’ll be glad you did. For what it’s worth, it sounds like there is a good chance you’ll get the answer you’re hoping for!
Or: invite him to something. When he gives you the tight hug, don’t let go! Look him in the eyes and smile. If he doesn’t kiss you, lean in and kiss him.
If he looks dismayed, you can ask “was that a terrible mistake?” and he will probably tell you the score. (Of course if he flees outright or smooches you with desperate passion, no conversation is needed.)
(In my extensive life experience, men are enormously relieved when women take care of the first kiss problem.)
Do you guys text/email/phone each other? If so, who initiates more?
Also the birth control thing: SO WEIRD
I’m a big proponent of asking guys out, and it guarantees you an answer! Good luck, and sorry about the weird nosy eH dudes :\
I have asked a guy out and he accepted! But I nearly died from nerves, so it’s a mixed bag.
Echoing the uncomfortable voices telling you to ask him. Make it gentle and early. IMO, the longer you wait the more awkward that conversation becomes.
My take on this is that it’s perfectly fine to just ask him about it. It’s one thing to want him to take the initiative if that’s your thing, but it’s another to actively worry about honestly telling him how you feel. Just don’t be like eHarmony men and you’ll be fine.
Are you worried that he won’t want to be friends if he rejects you or about the potential for rejection?
Thank you all, Toasties! You all are the bestest. I guess I get nervous at the thought of asking guys out because I wasn’t raised that way and whenever we get together my parents ask who paid for everything and who drove and I realize why they ask what they ask but it’s also fine with me if I pay for myself since he and I aren’t dating.
I think I’m afraid that he’ll end up telling me we’ll only be friends forever and he doesn’t like me more than that and then I’ll make a fool of myself trying to convince him that I am Wifey Material.
BUT we are going to one of his favorite musicals and when I told him I’d be in the area twice in April, he said, “April’s going to be a really great month, then.”
Hi Toasties!
Cass & I are really enjoying penpalling and exchanging little bits of mail art! We have both sent out a lot of letters and gotten a few, although I am feeling nervous since so far nobody I have actually introduced *myself* to (age, body age, multiplicity) has written back, and I am a little worried that my life situation is just too weird for people to cope with. It is easier for Cass, she is aligned to our body & our life a lot more, so she just writes about herself and doesn’t tend to talk about our multiplicity, although I guess she might if anyone asked questions. 🙂 Still, I really like writing letters & decorating envelopes (and making them using our envelope punch board!) and finding neat stationery and everything, and it is definitely expanding our system’s bravery when it comes to things like showing people our doodles.
Penpalling sounds like super good stuff! You are brave in putting yourselves out there and in showing everyone else your art.
Thank you!
WAIT HANG ON THERE ARE OTHER PLURAL FOLX HERE?????
I mean, uh, hi!
very late to the game today, but: home fermentation of the probiotic kind, anyone?
i have been making water kefir, and the grains are growing like crazy. if you’ve ever wanted to try it, it’s a probiotic drink made with sugar & water, the kefir grains eat the sugar and ferment it into a drink similar to kombucha, but lighter in flavor, and in only 48 hours. i do a secondary ferment with apple juice to get all the sugar fermented and carbonate into a nice, tart probiotic soda.
i’ve been doing milk kefir, but i’m not sure if it’s ultimately my thing. i like it, but it ferments so quickly, it’s a daily obligation.
other than that, i’ve been making a bunch of different sauerkrauts. i started with the standard cabbage, but got motivated to mimic some of the blends i see at the store, like red cabbage + beet, or cabbage + carrot + apple. anyone making any home ferments they want to talk about?
i just put out a bunch of my water kefir grains to dry in case anyone wants to try it. let me know and i can mail them.
I like a super simple fermented garlic carrot stick – they get all nice and sour but stay crunchy, and sometime I add some peppers in there. Very nice with hummus or on a sandwich or you know, in lots of other things.
wow, sounds good! i’ve heard of putting bigger pieces surrounded by cabbage to ferment them. is that how you do it, or another way?
Oh ok! You know, I just make brine and then I cover all the carrots + garlic, and put a glass weight on top to keep em down below the surface of the brine, and then nature takes its course. CARBONATED CARROTS. I love ’em.
I think it’s an easy gate-way fermentation recipe so there are loads of versions online! But basically all the same.
thanks, i’m definitely doing this!
ALSO! I really like making lacto-fermented soda pop – I haven’t for a while, but in the summer it is just a goddamn delight. I’ve done hibiscus-lime, a lovely earthy ginger ale with molasses that makes a dreamy dark & stormy, blueberry – almost anything you can think of. You just have to be a wee bit careful that you don’t end up with a wine cooler. Like, taste before sharing with children.
What’s great is, it doesn’t go flat! You just cork it up and let the carbonation rebuild, and it’s just so fizzy. You just want to make sure to drink it within a couple of weeks so you don’t get any explosions. There’s an old Mother Earth News article about creating your own ginger bug, if you haven’t already done that.
yes! i was making counter-top ginger ale for awhile and i loved how it self-carbonates. water kefir does the same if there is trace sugar in it.
good reminders, because i get plenty of whey to work with from the milk kefir.
i took a condiment class and one thing we made was facto-fermented ketchup, which is also great!
Oh man I want to do this too this summer but for some reason it always seemed really complicated However, I had such great success with pickled cauliflower and my kimchi this summer, so maybe I’m ready?
ooh dang, i bet fermented cauliflower would be good, too!
It was so so good. I used a pre-mixed pickling blend I had gotten as a gift, which I don’t usually do but I wasn’t sure it would work. Anyway it was BRILLIANT. The key flavors in the mix were lavender and cayenne pepper, and oh man. OH MAN. It was so great.
Lavender!! Interesting!
you know, there is a small production company here, brassica & brine, and they make a kraut that they call “the 4 thieves” which is lavender, sage, rosemary & thyme, based on some lore about people surviving the plague by using those herbs. it’s outstanding! and when i asked, they said they ferment the herbs right with the cabbage. not so much that the kraut looks like it’s full of particulates, but it’s a great flavor. i haven’t done it yet, but it’s on my list.
Water kefir sounds super interesting! What kind of bottles do you use for fermentation and storage? Do you think it’s easier than kombucha (which I have never done so maybe I’m wrong thinking that it is very labor-intensive)?
kombucha is probably less labor-intensive because it only matures every 10 days, but they are very similar. water kefir, being every 2 days, you’re not making tea, but you’re straining and bottling more often.
for the primary fermentation, i use a 32-oz mason jar, a canning ring and piece of cheese cloth. you put your grains, 1/4c sugar, a little baking soda and maybe a piece of dried fruit [i use a date]. mix it up with filtered or bottled water [you want mineral content] and cover for 2 days. when it’s done, i strain it and pour into a plastic soda bottle, add a couple ounces apple juice, and set aside, tasting every day until it’s not sweet anymore. it will carbonate in the bottle, which is why you want plastic, to avoid explosions. when you like the flavor, it’s ready.
i’ve done both kombucha and water kefir and i just prefer the taste of water kefir when it’s finished fermenting the sugar. with kombucha, the flavor intensifies so much that it’s near-vinegar when the sugar is gone, and my goal wasn’t to be drinking a bunch of refined sugar. so!
OH BOY I AM HERE FOR FERMENTATION!!!!!!!!!!
I did some amazing kimchi and pickles over the summer, and I want to start kombucha (I have a mother in the fridge that looks sad and lonely), but I’m worried my house is too cold in the winter to get it going. Especially in the kitchen — it stays around, oh, I’d say 65-70 degrees in there. Do you guys think it would work or should I wait till it warms up?
it will definitely work, just probably slower. you might have to start tasting it at day 10 and see how you like it.
Ok I will report back. I’m really enthused about my fermentation successes so I am feeling very confident.
I haven’t done anything with my water kefir grains in ages. I wonder if they’re still alive. If not I may take you up on that. I always had trouble with getting it fizzy but I think the problem was I was using a mason jar and it wasn’t actually airtight? When I did it in a flip-top cider bottle, it got fizzy. I never thought about doing it in plastic though; maybe I’ll try that.
I used to make a giant batch of sauerkraut (like 6+ quarts) once a year but have since realized I can just do one quart jar at a time and it’s much more manageable.
When I move out of the stupid RV I am going to start a sourdough starter. I’m very excited.
the first time i did water kefir, they never grew. i followed basic instructions online after buying dried grains. when they really seemed like they were petering out, i wanted to start over, and ordered wet packed grains, which came with this whole instruction sheet where you feed them all kinds of things [in addition to sugar, any combo of dried fruit, baking soda, a lemon slice, molasses or maple syrup, an egg shell, salt] and only use spring water. now mine are super happy & healthy. they never grew before, but mine have quadrupled in about a month?
some of the secondary ferments are so robust i would be scared to put them in glass, but i find a 1-liter plastic soda bottle is good. alternately if you’re against plastic, just covered in an open flip-top bottle till the first couple days pass, if you taste it and it’s still a bit sweet, you can close it up and it probably won’t have enough sugar to over-pressurize. or close & put in the fridge so it slows down and you can burp it daily.
i felt dumb that i didn’t have the right container for sauerkraut before, so i’m glad i revisited it. it turns out i had everything i’d need to do it in a wide-mouth jar, so i am setting up a new one each week.
i did sourdough once. i could never quite get it to rise the bread enough, it was probably just weak, but i loved that i could just catch it out of the air.
when we make beer again, i want to try for a sour with the same concept. cover the brew with cheese cloth instead of air locking and catch wild yeasts!
Oooh hmmmmm I wonder if the filtered water is the key. Some municipalities have more chlorine than others…..
i’m sure that’s part of it [i’m in Los Angeles] but also the dried fruit and baking soda are really feeding it in ways that refined sugar can’t, i think. plus, every few days i’d forget about it for a day or so, so they kinda starved. but yeah, i’m following this new info to a T and it’s a huge difference.
PS — I once left a sourdough starter in a warm car while I went inside for “just a second” to pick up prescriptions, and in like 10 minutes it escaped its tupperware and tried to take over my passenger side seat. There’s still a blotch on the upholstery 😀 I did unfortunately kill it later when we went on vacation, though. I should have respected its bid for freedom.
I did water kefir for a while! I loved the taste, but I found it too much work and I wasn’t drinking enough to keep it going so I ended up letting my grains die. I found sourdough to be the same, I didn’t eat enough bread to make it work.
I love my other ferments, though! I have basic sauerkraut, jalepenos, and earlier in the fall had a batch of kimchi going. Kimchi was a bit more challenging because it really quickly hits the fermented-but-not-heavily-so stage I want then goes past that, but I found a good tip online to make a big batch, keep that in the fridge so it doesn’t really ferment, then ferment smaller jars of it every two weeks or so. I just bought a new cookbook called Smoke and Pickles that has a bunch of interesting ferments in it, including a separate kimchi recipe for each season and some interesting looking fermented cherries. I have some red cabbage from earlier in the week so this weekend I might either make the red cabbage winter kimchi from that book or try a recipe for spicy garlic red cabbage kraut I found online.
I made rosemary pickled cherries that were amazeballs last summer.
Recipe?
Having one of those moments when I really hate a particular colleague for being unwilling to admit that HE SHOULD NOT WRITE ANYTHING FOR THE WEBSITE because he overcomplicates EVERYTHING and then I just have to edit it back down.
We’ve talked about this before, right? Because I FEEL YOUR PAIN.
We may even be talking about THE SAME COLLEAGUE as last time for me, because it’s really just this one guy. Ugh, the worst. I ended up being like “boss help me with some broad strokes editing, I don’t know where to start.”
So, I’m returning to work after a long (like year-long) absence due to mental health issues. Suffice to say, I am so nervous and am increasingly dreading that first day/week. I have no idea what people know or dont know – I’m assuming not much- and I don’t know which option would be worse. (I have a feeling some of my colleagues will be resentful that I got such a “cushy” leave and telework situation.) In addition, I have been living with family and am completely out of the social scene there; I was horrible at keeping in touch throughout this and am really frustrated with myself about that.
Anyhow, has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to avoid slinking in with my tail between my legs, shame emanating from my every pore :)?
It will be ok, trust me. Some people might be nosy, you can brush them off with vagueness. Most will be like ‘oh look, mintmarshmallow’s back, huh. I wonder if there’s spare croissants in the meeting room’ Seriously, after the initial OMG IM BACK feeling, it’ll all settle down & be the same as ever. Some people might even surprise you with their kindness!
Seen this from both sides, so can speak with some confidence that you will be fine 🙂
thank you 🙂
If you bring the croissants, that will be even better.
Yes! Bring food, then the only thing anyone will associate with you on that first day and thereafter will be deliciousness and joy 🙂
You will be great, there’s is nothing for you to be ashamed of! If it would help, come up with a script for answering a couple questions you think might come up and practice it a few times.
Attitude. You want your coworkers to see your gratitude at being able to return to the office, gratitude for any cooperation they provided during your absence. What else do you want to communicate to them? Keep these in mind and your attitude will be evident in posture and facial expression.
And please be gentle with yourself. Keeping in touch is hard when you are struggling with your health. Find reasons to be proud of yourself. You know, like for getting treatment, healing enough to get back to the office, etc.
::Toasthugs::
This is great advice, and yeah I’ve been heaping gratitude on anyone I can so far. To the point where my liasion said at one point (“You know they’re excited to have you back, right?”) so I’m glad you reaffirmed that. And thanks much for the nice thoughts.
I did the same thing a couple of years ago and I remember the dread. Take this advice as you will:
-None of us ought to be ashamed about mental illness but I know that`s easier said than done. People tend to know less than you think they know.
-Even if they do hear that you had some mental health issues, you`re not obligated to justify and explain yourself to anyone. Some of them may empathize due to mental health issues of their own. Many of us imagine that everyone else functions perfectly without any setbacks, but it is always best to assume that coworkers have all kinds of difficult personal issues of their own.
-You are not Bevers from Broad City. You have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. You were ill, and you`ve probably worked really hard to prepare yourself to reintegrate into the world. That is no small feat. Give yourself a big pat on the back for that, for real.
Best of luck, I`ve got my fingers crossed for you.
LOL Bevers. Thank you so much for this.
Consider how you would feel about a colleague in the same situation.
We tend to be way more hyper-aware of ourselves than anyone else is on us. Act normal and fake it until you make it.
I am also seconding expressing gratitude towards those who made your transition out and back in and time away easier but also knowing where the boundary is. You don’t owe anyone here beyond whatever professional courtesies and efforts they made. Let yourself focus on what you need out of transitioning back in.
Good luck to you!!
Toasts, our baby will not quit it with the fussing. Since he’s only two weeks old, I do not speak baby just yet, and I’m losing my mind. During feedings, he gets his little hands up between his mouth and my nipple and then loses his mind when he can’t latch.
In the spirit of this baby, tell me
1: tips and tricks for calming crying, gassy, no-eatin’ babies
2: self-care tricks for when other people are unintentionally bumming you out
3: your favourite snack
Happy Friday, Toasties!
Baby burrito. Wrap him up for feedings to keep his little hands out of the way. Just for a week or so. Then try again with free little hands. Return to burrito if necessary. You got this. You are the best mom your little one could ever have.
Baby burrito in magic!
That is so hard! My son would only stop crying when I would walk him around and sing to him (Old MacDonald had a LOT of animals on his farm), when I would hold him and bounce on a yoga ball, and when he was in the magical contraption known as the Fisher-Price Rock-N-Play.
Also, we discovered our son was not getting enough milk from nursing, so we supplemented with formula and he became much happier and easier to soothe.
I have no idea if this is recommended or safe, but could you swaddle baby during feedings so his hands can’t wander up to his mouth?
I know a mom who swaddled her kiddo right before feeding (and just for feeding). It helps some babies chill out in general, and it means their flailing arms are tucked out of the way for the duration. Worth a try?
My godson tries to shove his hand in his mouth while he’s eating, which is a problem because a) he hasn’t really worked out the coordination to always get his mouth and b) he cannot eat and suck on his hand simultaneously. His mom basically just physically moves his hands out of the way, but I think (from my limited knowledge of parenting techniques) that a gentle swaddling might work!
Yes, the swaddling! We would often nurse our kids to sleep at this age, so change diaper, swaddle them up nice and tight, and then nurse. Then right to bed.
I also HIGHLY recommend ‘healthy sleep habits happy child’ which has a ton of actual scientific data about baby sleep and also about super-fussy babies — from this I can tell you that baby might calm down some at the 6 week mark when the night/day switch in the brain gets flipped.
For self-care… when my kid was that age there were plenty of times where I would hand her off to whoever was around and just… go somewhere. Somewhere not there. My mother in law says that she used to wrap the baby up, put her somewhere safe, step outside the back door, and scream, just for a minute or two to get it out. My mom had a basement so she did the same thing there.
I guess what I’m trying to say is you don’t have to be calm Earth Goddess woman all the time, it’s ok not to be calm Earth Goddess woman all the time. You’re allowed to get frustrated, and upset, and just, stop for a minute. Even if you’re nursing and the milk is flowing. I’ve walked away for a minute or two and it’s messy but it’s not the end of the world and you feel SO much better.
Hopefully the swaddling trick everyone else mentioned works and you can get on with things easier soon.
Well said. I like that.
Kids are mindreaders. Just be real. You are allowed to feel all the feels. Hand the baby off and go have a cry or punch a pillow or stare at a wall. Then come back and tell them you love them and wow is this hard and confusing and you love them and you’ll figure it out together. My daughter loved it when I talked to her authentically instead of my Perky Am-I-Doing-This-Right mom-voice.
1. Newborns are trainwrecks, god bless ’em. Swing/swaddle/shush/suck/I forget the other S. Walk the floors until your brain falls out. You can try doing “toes-to-nose” while cooing at him like a lunatic, it might help him get the gas bubbles through and is “stimulating.” He will get better at life, I promise.
2. Take a shit-ton of baths. Possibly call them on it.
3. When I was on maternity leave with my second, I basically lived for the moment I got both kids down for a nap at the same time and could eat a banana with peanut butter and ghirardelli milk chocolate chips on top.
Just FYI, there is something called the 3 week growth spurt, (and the 3 month one), and it’s about 3 days of crying, nursing, fussing, and nursing but being picky about it….but the end result is bigger baby needs more milk, and constantly trying to nurse on empty boobs makes more milk for later and after three days they settle down. So if things don’t get better until they’re almost a month old I hope you don’t get discouraged, it’s developmental, not you.
Babies don’t speak baby yet at 2 weeks, either. I would always forget that–I know how to nurse a baby! I learned the tricks! I’ve done this before! And then the baby would happen and I’d remember, oh, not THIS baby, this baby doesn’t know yet…and it takes about 2 months for me to really get in the mom/baby/nursing groove.
This is not sounding very encouraging, is it? I’m not good at this. What I mean to say is, yes, the swaddling, the bouncing/swishing, try it all–sometimes you can trick them into letting you sit instead of baby-dancing if you bounce on a yoga ball.
Is the baby bumming you out or is it the other people judging you that’s bumming you out? because that’s a whole other problem and I’ll come over and beat them up for you.
My kids just hated it when I drank milk or ate onions. They got really gassy. You can usually add things back into your diet when they are older, but I had to watch what I ate in the early days. I once made the mistake of eating a sub sandwich in the maternity ward, that was a bad night.
You will get this. And sometimes it’s ok to just give up and put them in the swing until the next time they wake up, so that you can have a cup of tea and cry and get some food in you.
My son (now 17 and six feet tall) sometimes wouldn’t latch, and also was lazy about sucking. So he would get the fast flowing sugary fore milk, and then want to switch breasts instead of sucking to get the fatty back milk.
We spent three hours at the midwife ‘s office at about your stage, and a miserable weekend of keeping him on one breast until it was empty, bit that sorted out the gassy crying problem
Oh man. Learning to speak baby is intense. The fact that you are trying means you’re on track. It’s all you can do. It takes time to come to the sense that you really are the person who knows your little person best, and it comes from spending time with them and getting to know them.
Here’s what I wish someone had told me when I was struggling through figuring out breastfeeding and the cycle of self-hatred, grief, failure, and judgment it kicked off:
1) Swaddling is your friend. Learn to do a very snug swaddle. Don’t feel like you are putting him in baby jail – he will dig this, until he doesn’t, and then you will know, and don’t feel bad about not doing it anymore when you stop. If you need help learning an awesome swaddle technique, I am sure many of us would be delighted to jump in.
Also, if you need to keep his hands busy or even hold them gently out of the way because you don’t have opportunity or wherewithal to swaddle or he is not into it, it will be okay. But finding something interestingly tactile will help, maybe starting off with your finger to hold or enlist his other parent to hold his hands.
Breastfeeding can be a two person job and ask for the help when you need it. In my experience and observation, the non-nursing parent appreciates being needed.
2) It feels weird and rude to “shush” someone, but doing the shushing thing continually and loudly and consistently really does work. Movement is good. Remember with movement and sound, doing it in direct proportion to how long and how intensely they were upset is important so that they get a chance to fully change gears.
4) Babies change constantly. They develop so fast. I would feel like I started to get a handle on what she needed, then an hour later, everything would reset to new patterns and none of the old stuff worked, so if you have a hot streak of Doing It Right, ride it as long as you can, but don’t be too inflexible. Be willing to trying something until you KNOW it’s not working, and then switch gears. It confused the hell out of me but eventually I learned to just take every day as possibly starting over and felt like less of a failure.
5) Sleep as much as you can. This was hard for me because I was dying for mental health and emotional ease as much as physical rest, but, seriously, sleep. Sleep, and eat good, non-gassy foods, and drink as much water as you can handle.
6) We eventually went with formula. A full belly is a full belly, and we did a combination of everything I could pump with the remainder made up by formula for about three months. She is the healthiest two year old you’ve ever seen now and while *I* still have emotional scars from the breastfeeding debacle, she is golden. Don’t beat yourself up.
Also… eventually for gas, we gave her a ginger and chamomile gas treatment in her formula, but you might have some ginger tea and see if it helps? The suggestion you got to move his wee sweet little legs around will help some, too.
In short, no one gets to declare you a bad mom or a good mom. It’s all about you and your little one. Every parent-child relationship is the Old West, right? No one’s been specifically here before nor will be again. You’re an adventurer, and you can get preparation advice from others, but you do the trekking yourself. SO screw them if they don’t like how you are handling your own Everest – they aren’t on the mountain. You are. Do it your way. It’s the right way. It’s the *only* way. Plus, you are a Toastie. You are infinitely more likely to be doing it the best possible way by the force of pure awesome.
My favorite snack… hm. Savory, I am a fan of cheese and some sort of carb, or a sharp cheddar and roasted, salted almonds. If I am not doing dairy for a stretch, I find a homemade chai or London Fog with lots of almond milk to be soothing and filling. It’s hard to go wrong with a spoon of almond butter!
Congratulations on your babyness. Hang in there – you can totally do it. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong.
“In short, no one gets to declare you a bad mom or a good mom. It’s all about you and your little one. Every parent-child relationship is the Old West, right? No one’s been specifically here before nor will be again. You’re an adventurer, and you can get preparation advice from others, but you do the trekking yourself. SO screw them if they don’t like how you are handling your own Everest – they aren’t on the mountain. You are. Do it your way. It’s the right way. It’s the *only* way. Plus, you are a Toastie. You are infinitely more likely to be doing it the best possible way by the force of pure awesome. ”
Damn, Miss Catherine! You are awesome and your kid is a lucky little protoToast.
Online medical portals are the best and worst thing!
Best: immediate test results, so you don’t have to wait weeks for the followup appointment.
Worst: when the test results are abnormal and you are freaking out for weeks and googling everything
Best: ability to message the doctor through the portal about how much you’re freaking out rather than having to call and talk to anyone.
Oof, I got myself out of a social trip that I didn’t have the spoons for, and I actually had a pretty solid reason (helping a relative with childminding) but the host of the trip is huffy, which is fair enough, but they are also prone to extreme martyrdom so even though there’s still plenty others going on the trip, they’re still gonna have this narrative about how flaky ‘people’ (me) are (which isn’t fair, I’m not flaky). But ultimately I just feel guilty for not listening to my instincts & refusing the invitation in the 1st place. It isn’t good to cancel at last minute even if you have a good reason. I always know when I get a social invite whether or not I will have the mental health for it, but I rarely thinj to refuse it because that never seems like a ‘good enough’ reason.it just sounds like ‘nah, don’t wanna see you’. (Which is also kinda true)
Ugh I am really struggling with peopling these days.
Host will just have to deal with it. I totally know what you mean about having the mental health to deal with the event though. I tend to overestimate how sociable and energetic I will be, and WANT to be, but then the event comes around and I’m tired and want to be alone at home.
Preach!
Host can get over it. Their martyrdom is not your problem. Being healthy and happy is your problem.
What you can do in this situation, and I say this as someone experimenting with it as a concept themselves, is using it a moment you want to bookmark so that you can be more judicious when evaluating these crossroads when they first arise. “Nah, I don’t want to see you” is a fantastic reason to not do a thing with a person. Maybe if you feel guilty about that or need to maintain the relationship, explore alternatives to accepting social invitations you are not enjoying.
I hope you feel better. People can be very… stuff. I feel you.
Also, I just now realized when you said spoons, you were probably referring to spoon theory of having energy to do stuff? I initially read it like “I don’t have the clams” or “I don’t have the dough,” ie you didn’t have the money (which would also definitely put a damper on the event.)
Is anyone else playing Covet Fashion? It’s tacky and I hate it but I can’t stop.
That kidney thing is beyond words. If anyone wants to read more about kidney donation, you might check out this Larissa MacFarquhar piece which I think about every week.
http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2009/07/27/the-…
If there is a single soul out there that hasn’t bought the Hamilton cast album….it’s only 99 cents on GooglePlay today!
https://play.google.com/store/music/album/Various…
Oh wow, thank you! I can afford that! Now I can finally know what everyone’s buzzing about!
It’s also on Amazon Prime!
Big stressful thing this week: I think I’ve decided to look for other jobs. Not quit my current one outright, but start seeking something else. I’ve never really enjoyed it for a lot of reasons, but this week was just a mess and the camel’s back kind of broke yesterday. It’s a long, complicated story but the simplest version is that I should have gotten a certain training ages ago. The fact that I haven’t had it is a major safety issue, but no one even mentioned it to me until a few months ago – and it was in the context of a coworker being surprised that I hadn’t taken it or indeed heard of it.
I think I managed to drive home to my supervisors the fact that I’m very often in potentially dangerous situations where this training is crucial. So hopefully the ball will get rolling on that, but I’m honestly shocked and frightened by the fact that this was NEVER brought up or noticed by anyone, and that I’ve been placed in countless situations that I absolutely should not have been in without this certification. It’s an extreme example of the lack of supervision/training/structure that’s been frustrating me from day one. And when I think about doing this job any longer than a few more months, I feel ill. I very much want to find something new.
The thing is, I’ve never left a job before. Not really. I’m young, and every job I’ve had has ended for one of 3 reasons – I was going back to school, I was leaving school, or the contract ended. This is new, and I don’t want to burn bridges or give anyone reason to give me a bad recommendation. There are also people I’d be leaving in the lurch if I quit, and I have some trainings scheduled/paid for for a few months from now. I know I don’t have any legal obligation to stay (right?) but I do feel guilty about the effects it will have.
I would really appreciate any advice or similar stories from people. The only thing I know for sure is that I’ll be miserable if I stay here any longer than a few months.
People leave jobs all the time! It is EXPECTED. Your company will handle it. They might bitch and moan about it a little bit, but that’s not your responsibility.
Your responsibility is: Give at least two weeks notice. Try to wrap up your work / leave notes for your replacement and/or anything else to make the transition as smooth as possible.
As for the trainings already booked: it may take longer than expected to find a new job so this may be moot. Also, this happens all the time! When you give notice, say “What do you want to do about these trainings already booked?” and then they will tell you.
And if you don’t already, start reading askamanager.org religiously. Good luck!
Thank you so much; this helps a lot. Is there still a risk that I might get a bad recommendation if I quit unexpectedly, even if I do everything “right”? I think that’s my biggest fear.
Only the most unbalanced and immature of people would give a bad reference *only* because you quit.
Is there anyone at your current job who you would feel comfortable approaching confidentially to be a reference for you? Like someone slightly more senior who can speak to your work, but isn’t your actual direct manager? I’ve had some jobs where this is commonly done, and others where it’s not.
If not, it’s pretty common to ask the people you’re interviewing with *not* to let your current job know you’re searching. Sometimes they’ll want to speak to your current manager, but hopefully they won’t do that until you’ve basically got the new job in the bag anyway.
Do you know the last few people who’ve left your current company? If you’re still in touch with any of them, I’d ask them to tell you how the process was for them. Or, just think back to how your manager announced the staffing changes — unless they were visibly angry, or emotional, or retaliated (like making them leave on the spot instead of finishing out their last 2 weeks) I don’t think you have much to worry about!
I would also see if you can find some introductory local employment law facts – for instance, I live in Washington, which is an “at-will” employment state, so unless you have a specific contract, you have no legal obligation to stay at a job (and if you do have a contract, I would guess that their failure to train you would make any legal entity pretty sympathetic to you & you could probably find a way to break it so they’re at fault).
Also, your leaving will probably be inconvenient for some people, especially in a company with poor management & training. That’s the company’s fault, not yours, and it’s their responsibility to fix it.
You are not responsible to anyone here but you. People transition from jobs all the time, and it is acceptable that you are moving on. There is a lot of good advice here, so let me merely say, good for you for being cautious with your own well-being and aware of what you need to get your job done in reasonable safety. If you do not value yourself, no one else (at least professionally) will.
I’ll be forever be late for the fun party here, but, dearest Toastees, I’m so goddamn proud of myself: last weekend, I built myself a computer out of spare parts, installed Linux Mint on it, and it has been working perfectly ever since. Perfectly. There were complicated and fiddly parts and lots of googling, but it all worked on the first try. Before I started on this endeavour, I didn’t even know how to open a PC case on my own, and never ventured beyond Windows.
And now I’m stuck on installing a printer/scanner driver and am positively EXCITED to solve it… somehow. Maybe I’m even going to use the dreaded command line!
Also, a Terrible Publisher that I’ve been wrestling with for a year now did something Horrible on Wednesday, and redeemed themselves again today. I almost cried at work with joy and might have been a little bit too enthusiastic with the publisher rep on the phone. There’s light at the end of the tunnel… until they come up with the next Horrible thing, that is. They’re very creative.
And lastly: I’m very possibly going to marie-kondo my flat on Sunday. Full of nervous energy about that.
Good job! I built my first PC three years ago and it was pretty fun. And it still works perfectly! I installed Windows instead of Linux, though, so that’s very bold of you.
I relied a lot on my dear brother for knowledge and buying advice, but did all the heavy lifting myself. I fully expect to keep this thing for the next ten years, only occasionally switching out components. A PC of Theseus. And I didn’t even had a good reason to choose Linux, only “I’ve never done this before as well, might as well go all out with this project”. Also, vague suspicions about Windows 10.
Printer still doesn’t work, though.
I am cheering for you. That is a very satisfying accomplishment, and as an elitist gamer type person, I had an irrational surge of fierce pride in you for Doing It Right.
I got flowers at work from my boyfriend and I posted a picture on the internet and tagged him in it and when I got back from lunch my rapist from 13 years ago had liked the photo and I don’t know what to do besides sit at my desk at work and be numb.
Oh geez I’m sorry. Is it possible for you to set up a custom filter so he can’t see your posts? I know that doesn’t help you feel better right now, but at least he can’t see your stuff in future?
I didn’t even know they were still friends and now this is bringing up a lot of weird bad feelings and I haven’t even seen this persons name in over 10 years and what even, Friday. What even.
Oh man does your boyfriend know what he did and is still internet friends with him? Do you live with your boyfriend? Do you have someone to talk to about this or a place to go to decompress/ process this all? It seems like it would be good to get some support lined up for yourself if you possibly can. I’m so, so sorry.
UGH. That guy is the worst. I hope he steps in a puddle and then his socks get wet and then he gets a terrible foot rash that keeps him up all night itching and also his kitchen ceiling falls in and ruins his breakfast and also he steps in dog poop EVERY MORNING for the rest of his life.
Ditto with the note that his ceiling tiles are *moldy* ceiling tiles.
Or possibly filled with angry rattlesnakes.
Unfair to the poor rattlesnakes though. I’m willing to extend the description to it being *slimy* mold though. I can’t believe I left that out.
Oh gosh, I am sending you my warmest internet hugs. That’s horrible. Could you have a trusted friend go through your social media accounts and block him on all of them? That way you don’t have to look at his stuff yourself, but you can prevent it from happening again. Lots of love & I hope you have a really nice and restorative weekend.
*toasthugs*
all the toast hugs to you. just be numb for a while, like an ice pack on a black eye. and do something that feels good and affirming even if it seems shallow, like ice cream. or expensive shoes. or a piece of art. or a new book and a box of fancy tea. or go for a run. or bake a cake. or tell your boss you have a migraine and need to go home & get into bed. or whatever makes you feel like you. it happened to me, except notification attached to some sort of facebook “you and abuser have umpteen mutual friends! do you know each other? would you like to be friends?” i can only highly recommend a block on social media, and if you’re at the point in your relationship when you feel okay to talk about it, you might want to mention to partner that this person should be blocked from his feed? but the good news is, you’re still you, the toast–and your bf who sent you flowers–all love you for you, and no reintroduction into your life via a “like” can take that away.
How horrific. I would be paralyzed with… yeah, horror comes to mind. I am so, so sorry.
Can you notify the social media site it was on and get him blocked in every possible way? Is it worth trying to get a restraining order that would cover stalking and harassment?
Friends, this has been kind of a terrible week except for one, shining moment of glory: I got Beyoncé tickets. The concert is several months away, but I basically plan on riding this high until then.
I’m sorry you had a terrible week! Hopefully you’ll be able to refuel during the weekend and have a normal-to-pleasant week next week.
And it’ll all be worth it when you see The Queen.
Me too! I’m going completely by myself, which is both wonderful and scary.
A friend of mine is squatting on a presale code for us to get into one of the shows that doesn’t go on sale til next week..VERY exciting and I hope we get it! Congrats to you!
I know this is on the 4th page, but I just stumbled across the most adorable tumblr called chibirdand it’s so cute and here is an important message for you:
Omfg i have exactly the cousin for this today thaaank you
Vis a vis absolutely nothing, this made me cry.
Are you familiar with Boggle the Owl? Sounds like a similar place 🙂
ETA: sounds like the blogger hasn’t been posting much due to some mental health issues but the stuff that is there is EXCELLENT.
Every time I comment here I mean to reply to everyone, you’re all so engaging and articulate and fabulous and smart, but at the same time I’ve been overwhelmed by how wonderful you all are and just… curled up in a little “they’ll know I’m a fraud and a nelly boy who doesn’t belong here” ball and not replied. AND THEN SOMEONE ARRANGED A KIDNEY DONATION THROUGH THIS COMMUNITY, MY GODS, YOU ARE ALL FANTASTIC PEOPLE, I AM IN AWE. ;;
But, uh, I did have something to say.
There’s discussion of abuse in this comment. Suicide threats and transphobic bullshit from a fellow trans person, even.
No, seriously, if I could nest this in a lower comment I would but I don’t know how long the approvals are taking now, I’m late to the thread, and I just… this is the one corner of the internet where I feel safe talking about this.
The marriage I’ve mentioned here a few times prior is dead. They just have to sign off on the dissolution paperwork, and then we go before a magistrate and I go further into debt and that is that.
The soon-to-be-ex had me well-trained; I didn’t see anything wrong with their not wanting me to have gender confirmation surgery because they’d lose queer visibility then, nor with the way they controlled how I presented my gender to the public once my body started to fit right. (No, seriously, I am trying to rebuild my wardrobe, they wouldn’t let me buy florals or anything that would make me feel pretty, because boys aren’t SUPPOSED to be pretty, don’t you know? Never mind that they’re the one who introduced me to Final Fantasy and a whole host of other media with deliberately beautiful men… heroic ones, even, not just queercoded villains.) I was a fluffy little jewel-tone-loving sorta-goth trying very hard to be my parents’ daughter when they grabbed me; at twenty-three to my (abused, socially stunted) eighteen they seemed so very adult, so smart, so charming. I was proud of how I could recognize abusive relationships… and then I woke up three years later and I realized I might be in one.
And then they threatened suicide if I didn’t find a way to move them in with me.
I knew, then, that this wasn’t right. I still don’t know why I stayed. I wanted to be useful, so I got used, I guess. I’m not even sure what pushed me to flee at twenty-six, except maybe that they’d gotten worse (consent was something I wasn’t allowed to have, not really, nor boundaries) and started really trying to isolate me in earnest once we were legally married. They had a gun, and kept talking about using it. I had to flee with a suitcase and my computer, and I’ve been back in the house that’s in my own name twice since the seventh of January. It’s pretty scary, honestly.
But I can breathe again, and when I wake up it’s in a bed by myself and I don’t have to lie there listening to see if they’re still breathing. I don’t know why I’m dumping this all here. It’s just… it was reading stories here from people who also got out that gave me the strength to do it. I knew I wouldn’t die because so many of you managed to not die and then went on to live.
Thank you. Thank you all so much.
Thank you for getting out. Thank you for choosing yourself.
And if there is anything we can do to support you, please let us know. <3 <3 <3
I will. o7
It’s really reassuring to read all of this. “You’re welcome” sounds weird, but… well. You thanked me. That’s the usual response, right?
I wish I had something more to say than: You are awesome and brave and I’m currently kinda in awe of you for being awesome and brave and getting out so you can breathe and live and be you.
Thank you. Being brave is a lot more impressive when it’s from the outside, I think… but thank you so much. I’ll do my best!
Being brave looks a lot more impressive from the distance of time too (I know). It’s just hard to see how impressive it is from up close. In a few years I hope you will be in awe of yourself, because what you are doing is awesome.
You did what was necessary. It was hard, but you did it. You also did what was loving. You are loving yourself. Because you deserve love and kindness. Protecting yourself is healthy, loving, kind. And all of this has been so hard. It would be for anyone. You are strong and brave. I am proud to internet-know you. Please continue to be part of our little comment community. I will look for updates from you. ::Toasthugs::
You’re incredible. I am so happy that you’re out.
Thank you for sharing. Thank you for having courage and surviving and fighting for a way to be authentic and real and yourself.
You are a wonder.
That sounds terrifying, friend. I’m so glad you are safe now, and I hope the rest of the paperwork and magistrate-ness and everything goes smoothly and that you continue to stay safe.
Oh and since I already had the tumblr open, here’s a Boggle for you:
This sounds really hard, but you did the right thing for yourself. You deserve so much better than someone who treats you like this. Stay strong.
I’m so sorry you went through that. Congratulations on getting away from that fuckstick.
You’re amazing.
Hi! Figured the open thread would be the best place to start as a toastie. I’ve been lurking for *months*! Anyone else a new toastie? Wait… can I even call myself a toastie?
Also, that kidney donation story is amazing. I hope their recovery is quick.
Welcome! Just start jumping in! (And yes, you may call yourself a toastie)
Thanks! I hope you have a fantastic weekend!
Ack! I should have said permission is not needed for that last bit. Call yourself a toastie! Slater in butter or jam or avocado as you see fit! Take to the sea! DO WHAT YOU WANT, is what I’m trying to convey here. No permission needed from the rest of us 🙂
Ha, don’t worry, I understood you! And whether you like it or not, I’m still gonna thank you for your welcome 🙂
Welcome!
Thank you! I hope you have a wonderful weekend!
Thanks!
So if you are game, tell us a little about yourself! Hobbies? Best book read recently? Favourite beverage? (Can you tell I am avoiding work?)
Well, I moved to London UK last week and it’s all very exciting. I’m going hiking tomorrow (the Seven Sisters), so it’s a ridiculously early bedtime for me! Let’s hope it’s not too rainy…
Work is *almost* over, assuming you have a Mon-Fri job. Hang in there!
I hope you had fun hiking the Seven Sisters! I am from there (my hometown is at one end of them), and they are beautiful, but it’s nicest when it’s not raining.
We’ll have to go back when it’s not raining – although it was absolutely gorgeous. Even though by the end of it we were very cold and very wet, with questionable mélanges of mud under our boots, it was a fantastic day because of the views and the company. There was talk of a canoe trip across Scotland (the narrow bit) in June, and I’m sorely tempted.
I’m new too! Good to have you here, and nice username!
Thanks! We’ll take over this joint yet 😉
Is your username a reference to That Song?
I’m also new to commenting! Hello!
Hi! I feel like we’re apprentice witches or something haha
I’m new too! I’ve been lurking for more than a year, this is the most respectful community I’ve ever encountered on the internet, and I wanted to be part of that.
Same here! I hope you had a great weekend, by the way
ATTN SAN DIEGO TOASTIES
Are you there? its me, megan. I moved to this city a few months ago and i know no one really except my boyfriend and some family members. I have been wallowing in self-pity but have wisely given up self-pity for lent and now i need Friends. I already think of Toasties as my friends, so lets make it a real thing, yeah?
I’m here and looking for friends too! I don’t know how to arrange contacting internet people in real life though.
Ooh I was hoping there’d be a thread like this! I’m in North SD county, which isn’t too far I don’t think. I don’t have any area Friends either!
Dear anxious/introverted people:
How do you date? I am an anxious introverted person. And dating and thinking about dating is literally the Worst.
I’m a less anxious than I used to be/Better at being extroverted for short periods of time, but still basically introverted person. I am also trying to dive back into dating, so this is of interest to me.
What type of dating are you thinking of trying? Internet/App? Meeting through friends or common interests?
Any kind? I’m really sort of terrible at flirting, because my default is essentially, “HI PERSON WHO I FIND ATTRACTIVE. I AM SMART AND NERDY AND MY HAIR IS AWESOME, PLEASE LIKE ME BUT NOT TOO MUCH DID I MENTION I KICKBOX AND PLAY WITH SWORDS?” and on apps my default is “OH MY GOD, WHY DO YOU LIKE ME PLEASE STOP PAYING ATTENTION TO ME.”
This, understandably, does not work very well in either situation.
Smart and nerdy and awesome hair? You sound PRETTY awesome. I like to think I have those same qualities, so I think we’re already doing pretty good. 🙂
I mean, I can’t claim to be an expert in any of this, even though I’m quickly approaching being an old. What’s worked for me over the years with the app stuff is, strangely, to focus on disengaging? I guess it sounds counterintuitive, but like, I try to keep in my mind that almost everyone i swipe on or chat with or go on a first date with from the internet is almost certainly someone I will never see again, so I just focus on “Can I have a nice conversation with this person, or get a good story out of this, or something that makes this better than chilling at home with the cats?” and not think forward to anything else. If I can fulfill one of those things, then I’m done, I have completed all I need to do and I can stop worrying about it.
Basically, I try to always keep in mind that I can’t control what they think of me, the only thing I can control is how I react to the situation and how I feel about how this person is interacting with me. And if the way they’re acting is not ok with me, for WHATEVER reason, I can cut it off at any time. But yeah, as a fellow anxious person, I have not really figured out how to go with the flow with any of this stuff,which I gather would maybe be a good thing? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I know it’s sort of a matter of thinking it’s low pressure and such, but I’m terrible at that. Give me a job interview, I can rock it because it’s low(er) stakes (I know I’m awesome, they just need to realize it). But dating is different because I’m bad at social stuff or I think I am.
Introvert here. I’ve pretty much avoided traditional “dating” altogether (in the sense of seeking out strangers and meeting up with them). The whole idea of internet dating sites makes me break out in hives.
I’ve only ever really dated people whom I was already friends with (either through mutual interests or work). My current partner is a longtime friend, and I knew him very well for several years before we got together romantically.
I’ve moved every 3 years or less(I’ve lived in MN, PA, SD, TX, WI so far, such is the life of an early career academic librarian) since I left undergrad about 10 years ago. My friend groups therefore aren’t large at all. I’m getting better at making friends, but I don’t have a friend pool, as most of my interests don’t have a large group of early 30ish single people involved.
So, this Sunday was my 40th birthday (yay! happy b-day to me) but it was also when I discovered that it would have been Sandra Bland’s 29 birthday. (And Trayvon would have been 21 last Friday.) Sandra Bland’s death has been particularly haunting me since it happened, and now I know for sure I will always think of her on our birthday.
We’ve got to tear down this terrible system.
Question for cat parents! Do you worry you’re not providing enough entertainment or stimulation for your cats? This is my first time having strictly indoor-only cats and I’m concerned they nap too much. I know cats sleep a lot, but they’re probably napping 18-20 hours a day, instead of 16. They’re almost 8 months old and they play with each other and wrestle and are usually interested in their toys, but I’m worried I’m being a bad cat mom :/
Do you know what they’re up to while you’re out during the day? Occasionally, when I work at home, I’m surprised by the amount of frolicking that goes on. But also, if you’re worried, set aside a chunk of time every day to play with them yourself. (Cat Dancers are magic–and also, you can wedge one into a doorframe or something so that they can whack at it on their own while you’re away.)
They do frolic quite a bit in the morning, but then take a really long afternoon nap. Seems like that’s pretty normal though. Sometimes they’re really into playtime with me and other times not so much. I guess that’s pretty cat-typical though!
Yeah, my experience is that cats are bonkers at dawn and dusk–which are their natural hunting times–and pretty much unconscious or Keeping An Eye On Things From A Secure Vantage Point the rest of the time.
Also, do you know what they get up to while you sleep? My guess is that even if they are in your bed when you fall asleep and are there when you wake up (as mine tend to be), they are Up To No Good much of the night, since cats are nocturnal hunters.
I’d say be grateful you DON’T know what they get up to at night, because “knowing” (as I do) entails entrails… usually left for you by the bed.
(OK, *most* of the time it means I wake up and find cat toys in the bed that weren’t there when I went to sleep, but once it was a dead mouse, and then once it was a mouse that WASN’T DEAD YET and was FLUNG AT MY HEAD but mostly it’s cat toys.)
I work at home with my indoor cats and I have much less angst now about it. Mine frolic with each other, occasionally come and badger me for a lap, play with their toys etc. I do make a point of doing something with them both each day, whether it’s combing, cuddling, or playing, and I do try to get fatboy to move his backside as much as possible with pouncing things but he tends to lie there and vaguely wave a paw at whatever I am wafting at him.
if you have 2 kittens, i’m sure they’re playing as much as they want to. mine are about 10 months now, indoors only, and they have calmed down a lot since they were 6 months, but still do a fair amount of running around before the big midday nap-down, and more chasing, climbing and wrestling before bed.
a wand toy is pretty fun for them, which you can do after work before dinner. i think if they’re young, though, they will be compelled to play as much as they need to.
Thanks, this is reassuring! They’re about as active as they’ve always been, so I guess I’m just a helicopter parent 🙂 They have a wand toy & some days they’re not that into it and then others they want to keep playing with it until my arm falls off.
The things my indoor kitties like: Cat tower (it has multiple levels, scratching posts, and dangly toys), window onto apartment courtyard, medium-sized toys to wrestle with. But I’m pretty sure when I’m not home they mostly sleep or look out the window. We did bring home some acorns from a hike and one kitty likes to bat those around the hardwood, and she will do it all on her own without anyone encouraging it.
My kittens went CRAZY over these tiny pine cones I used as decorations at Christmas. They would bat them around all over the place – I’m pretty sure they have a stash of them somewhere, because I still find them randomly.
I’ve been trying to figure out ways to play with my roommate’s cat, since he doesn’t appear to be very toy-motivated. He does like to bat things around on the floor, so I was thinking of getting him one of those things where the ball rolls around in a track, but otherwise his favorite game appears to be play-wrestling, which I can’t really participate in because I’m a squishy human and he’s very pointy (he’s not actually trying to hurt me, just play-biting etc., but it can still break the skin and I’m pretty sure it’s not behavior I’m supposed to encourage 😛 )
Yeah, they need to know hands and feet are Not For Biting. I have a lot of toys for my kittens, but they mostly lose their minds over trash: a plastic bottle cap, a plastic bag stuffed with another bag and made into a ball, and any kind of wrapper. They also like to kick and chew on an old balled up pair of socks.
I’ve tried throwing various pieces of trash at him, with minimal results (so much for my dreams of YouTube stardom). I think he’d also really love a cat tree or similar way to get up high, but that’s a bit more of an investment, both $ and space-wise.
Cheapest cat tree: wooden shelves (or just wooden planks) sawn into smaller bits, attached to a wall by brackets, in step-like fashion. Maybe covered in left-over carpet pieces. Ours allowed the cats to climb on the highest Billy bookshelf (safely attached to the wall), and they just loved lounging on top of it, looking down on us puny mortals.
I bought one of those Hexibugs from the [children’s] toy aisle and it seems to keep our cats very entertained. The thing is battery operated and vibrates, so it “walks” around in random patterns. They are fascinated just watching it.
The ball in a track thing makes my cat insaaaaane. I would have to limit his exposure to it, because it would make him crazy. Wore him right out though.
Just stopping by to note the most mind-screwing spam email ever: from ReverseBrainDecline: “How to Think like Donald Trump–Revealed!” I just … isn’t that the utter opposite of reversing brain decline? Is this a trick? Is this a sign of the existence of a parallel universe? Is identifying how Trump thinks the key to reversing it?
Are any toasties going to be at the Eaux Claires music festival this year? (Hit me up, I’ll make an extra flower crown for you) I just bought tickets and I’m so goddamn excited. Also fun: staying in the U of W dorm that the Bon Iver song “Towers” is about.
I set up a new filing system at work this morning to use from the start of 2016 forward. It is tidy and pristine now, because it doesn’t have much in it yet, but I also have faith it will be much easier to find things in the future. I think KonMari has gotten to me because I kept glancing over at that drawer and feeling happy about how orderly it was.
NGL, filing is my jam. Spreadsheets, too. Ungnngngng organizational methods. So hot. Seriously.
coktail miammmmmm haha
français?
It has been A Day at work but! I got to teach my favorite patron about Internet tracking and privacy, and she says she is now Less Scared of Technology, which is a giant win.
What is your favorite part of your job?
so i got a new job! internal transfer, so i don’t have to pack up my cube, and it’s using my degree and letting me write for a living, which is AWESOME and also TERRIFYING and i am getting the worst impostor syndrome about it but IT WILL BE FINE JUST FINE EVERYTHING WILL BE GREAT. never mind the last person who had the role is an award-winning author and i am like how, how will i live up to expectations. it will be SO GREAT so great shark levels of so great.
really though, i was thinking today about how i was mid-divorce in grad school, living on student loans, stretching $30 a week after bills and counting pennies at the grocery store, and i look at my life now that i have made happen, and i feel so proud and so grateful and also a little scared that it could all go away again but okay. just for today, i’m going to forget the little “but” voice and celebrate.
Way to go! You deserve all this good stuff. The awesome part about writing is that it doesn’t have to be perfect the first time, so you can get incrementally greater with every edit. You get to let ideas marinate for a while and come back to them with fresh words and things just get better. Hope you love it!
thank you!! you’re right–i am having to remind myself of this, because i have historically been a zero-draft writer and i really don’t have to put that kind of pressure on myself.
Congratulations!!!!!!!!
Imposter syndrome is the living worst, but it is not reality. Your new job is reality. You can do this.
reality. yes. thank you!
First time posting in an open thread here, mostly just to whisper to the nice toasties: today I finished my application for grad school – a librarian program, natch. Waiting on one more letter of recommendation and then everything will be in. NOT NERVOUS AT ALL.
Woo! Fingers crossed!
Ahhhh, good luck!
Guys, today I almost convinced my grade 12 bio class that uteruses are sparkly.
You are my new hero.
I know this is late in the thread, but I’m curious to get some other takes on this situation. My coworker (an average-to-tall mid-30s white guy) was at the bank yesterday and noticed someone who appeared to be homeless hassling a guy using the ATM for money, including touching/grabbing his shoulder. My coworker told the man to stop, and the man turned to him and began demanding money and, again, grabbing his shoulders. My coworker told him to stop, and he eventually did and wandered a short way away.
A few minutes later, after my coworker had used the ATM, the guy came back and asked him if he’d called the police. My coworker said no, but that he couldn’t just be touching people & hassling them, whereupon the guy wandered away again and started hassling other people, including, again, touching and grabbing their shoulders. At that point, my coworker called the police.
My take on the situation is that, at the point where someone is getting into people’s space to the point of touching them without their consent and possibly impeding their movement, somebody has to do something. I don’t think our current police system is equipped/willing to deal with someone like this guy in a way that would be healthiest for him, and I don’t like “aggressive panhandling” laws because they’re usually code for “get the icky poor person away from me”; on the other hand, DON’T GRAB STRANGERS.
So, Toasts – should my coworker have done something else, and if so, what?
I think calling the police is fine in this case (and rest assured I share your concerns about the police, especially ours and their track record with this sort of thing). In fact I have been known to call the cops on people touching/impeding movement on the Ave.
Or I wonder if involving a bank security guard would have a more convincing “fuck off, buddy” presence than your coworker? Or maybe a bank security guard would just make it worse (I don’t trust rent-a-cops either) and get the actual cops called sooner.
Like, ideally there would be a number you could call where they would send a social worker or counselor who can help de-escalate the situation and help the guy get what he needs, but I also feel like it’s important for people with privilege (such as able-bodied white men like my coworker) to step up and do something when someone with less privilege might not be able to (the man the guy was originally harassing was very short; the other people he turned his attention to were elderly or otherwise vulnerable).
If he’d just been agitated and maybe getting into people’s personal space without touching them or impeding them, I would have a different response (especially because the SPD is, as you say, not great), but the physical interaction pushes it over the line.
There is usually a non-emergency police line. You might get a different response that way- maybe a police community liaison or a mental health liaison officer who has more tools to deal with this.
But then physical harassment is a pretty big deal- your coworker could cope but not all of us could, he warned the guy that if he kept doing it the cops would be called, that seems like a very reasonable response.
Guys, today I almost convinced my grade 12 bio class that uteruses are sparkly.
Toasts, way late on this and mostly talking to myself here, but OMG I have a burning crush on my roommate who lives with me and my husband. My husband teases me about crushing so hard, but he doesn’t even know the half of it. My man and I have been together for almost a decade so it’s fun to have all these tingly feelings again, but sheesh, it’s hard to be a productive member of society when all I can think about is how sexy the roomie is! Our hugs have started to last like thirty plus seconds…. *swoons*
Toasties, I’ve been seeing a bunch of recommendations on lifestyle blogs for Lara Casey PowerSheets – guided journaling pages promising enjoyment and maybe a bit of self actualization. But the more I look at them, and Lara Casey, the more it seems like a very Jesus-y prosperity gospel with cute stationary. Has anyone tried them or have a better recommendation?
I want to jump start some creativity, but the blank page always stymies me after a few weeks.
Have you tried bullet journaling? You have to draw in your own pages, but there are a ton of ideas online that let you personalize and decorate. I found these inspiring.
What about other guided journals? I don’t know what you’re looking for, but there are lots of them.
This is late, but:
My friend called me last night to let me know that her dog, the charming corgi-beagle mix with the dashing personality and beaming smile, died on Wednesday night.
Please give your furry friends a scratch behind the ears in her honor, or take them for an extra long walk and let them sniff things.
She was a really good girl. I was very fortunate to know her.
(Now I am also a bit scared of praising any person or animal I know in the Toast comment section.)
<3
Thanks. She had a long life (she may have been 19), and she had a good life and a loving home. I hope there’s a Dog Heaven with lots of peanut butter and woods and things to chase, and no fleas or baths or chicken bones.
I finally got my last tax document!
TAXES FILED!
Toasties! Please to be repointing me in the direction of the Toastie Info thingie on Google Docs? Mercy buckets!
I believe this is it: Toast Connections
Fankoo! 😀
Toasts, I think winter’s caught up with me. This week I’ve been crabby for no reason and sad for no reason, and today I caught myself in a sad-for-no-reason moment and went “…wait. It’s February. It’s cold and dreary and the excitement of that big blizzard is over and the snow is all gone and this weekend it’s going to be too cold to leave the house. Oh. Right.” and then “Wait, and this is Valentine’s Day weekend too! No wonder I’m a self-loathing grouch this week!”
February: worst month, or WORST MONTH? At least it’s short.
it just took me 4 hours to get back from Toledo, which should have taken two. The kids should have had snow days wed and thurs but for some reason they did not. I’ve driven home EVERY NIGHT this week, and most mornings left the house, in blinding whiteout conditions. I have an almost-hour drive on a normal day. It’s supposed to snow lake effect snow all weekend. I’m not going to leave the house, this is nuts, I am sick of driving in low gear with my hands clenched to the steering wheel. NO MORE WINTER.
My best cure, though, is a good movie, knitting, red wine, and grilled chocolate sandwiches. That’s my solo valentine plan.
I didn’t know grilled chocolate sandwiches were a thing. But then Google confirmed that they are. OMG, WHAT IS THIS SORCERY?!
…so yes, that sounds like an awesome solo valentine plan and I will be forever grateful to you for introducing me to the concept of grilled chocolate sandwiches.
::Toasthugs:: February will be over soon. IMO, it’s the *longest* month and can’t end soon enough.
In case it’s helpful, long ago I started referring to 14 February as Arizona Statehood Day. It’s factual and avoids the retail industry.
Feel better. *hug*
DEFINITELY the worst month. Crabs and grouches are fine, but ditch the self-loathing for self-comfort, ‘k?
There was a stretch in the recent past when every February was a nightmare: three of my four grandparents died during a February, my mom had to be hospitalized for what proved to be the final time during a February, a loved one reliably caught a lingering cold-into-bronchitis, emergency-room-worth infection in February….nasty month. I dread it every year and count blessings that it’s only 29 days max.
Just wanted to show my appreciation for the Person of Interest recommendation. It’s very feminine and skips out on a lot of shounen tropes that make things unwatchable.
-Lead male with a soft voice which is surprisingly welcoming
-Two lead males who are real friends, not constantly bickering and one-upping each other
-Older male lead is plain, everyone knows it, it’s part of his disguise
-Older male lead is interested only in a woman of his age
-Great action: excellent hand-to-hand combat and artsy fight scenes
-No sexual objectification yet AT ALL
-Usually he kneecaps people but sometimes he kills them and he doesn’t get angsty about it
There’s so many good things that subvert the regular comic book failings but it is like how you imagine a superhero comic book to be before you read it and can basically feel the author masturbating at you. Thank you, Toastie! I love it!
I’m always late to cocktail hour. I actually have no idea when it begins. But anyway…
Any gardeners? Anybody doing winter sowing? I miss my garden in winter, though I end up doing a lot more indoor crafts. But I just discovered winter sowing last year, and this year I’m much better prepared. I’ve been hoarding milk jugs for ages to serve as the tiny greenhouses, and I have so many seeds.
Oh cool, what are you planning on growing?
I don’t grow anything in the winter, because I don’t have the energy to garden all year round, but I grow vegetables in the spring/summer. I really need to start my tomato seeds next week if they’re going to be on time. Also, my Gran just sent me some blueberry plants, so I’ve been looking up how to look after them.
So far I’ve planted peas and lots of flower seeds but I’ve run out of containers. I’ve asked all my friends and family to give me their recycleable containers, so hopefully I’ll be able to plant more soon: tomatoes, cucumbers, lettuce, watermelon, cantaloupe, and the rest of my flowers.
Blueberry plants, how fun! What region are you in? I’m in 7 and still in polar vortex mode, but they’ll at least have a bit of a head start this way. And maybe I can get my peas going well enough that I’ll finally have more than a handful to eat in spite of the thieving deer.
Actually it’s more that I need the head start. When spring comes, I always feel so rushed. Last year I was gone for 2 weeks in April, and I feel like that little pocket of time upset my whole garden year.
If you wanted a more detailed list of flowers, I’m planting:
poppies
zinnias
lobelia
alyssum
nasturtiums
flax
Chinese forget-me-nots
bachelor’s buttons
sweet William
marigolds
morning glories
four o’clocks (later in spring)
Eeee, I’m excited for spring! I hope they all grow!
Whenever you arrive is a good arrival time. But if you’re curious, Toast Cocktail Hour is reliably begun at noon in the US Eastern time zone.
Thanks!
OH! The comment earlier in about an abuser that liked a facebook post reminded me that I have a quandary.
I am laxmom. I am a coach. My daughter will be on the team. That means I’m also probably going to have to put her dad (my ex-abuser) on the team email list, because he needs to know games, practice announcements, etc. I have hotmail from way back. His facebook/outlook contact is a picture of the two of us from 7 years ago that he cut me out of. If I make him a contact, everything I do has that picture on it…every email, text, even my facebook, where I have him blocked, somehow still has his picture occasionally. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I just can’t. I want to smash my phone every time I see that picture.
So how can I set up a filter/new email/anything that allows me to put him in the parent email group but keeps him from grinning his sickening abusive grin at my face on all my computer stuff?
Do I remember correctly that you have another parent working with you as second coach? If not, could you ask another parent to volunteer for this one task:
Email only the one volunteer parent. She then forwards to the entire distribution list, including your daughter’s other parent. This volunteer parent can also cut-and-paste your original message into her own original email so that your email address is not included at all. That way, your daughter’s other parent can hit Reply All and you never have to see it.
Not sure that works. Maybe you need team parents to be able to reply directly to you. Just wishing you had an asshole filter of some kind here.
Could you set up a lax-specific email address for emailing the parents? And if they need to be able to respond to you, you could set up forwarding from the lax email to your regular email (But have his address blocked/not a contact on your regular email of course). That way, if other parents reply directly to you, you will get it forwarded to your personal email and can respond directly to them from that address, but you will only be communicating with him via the parents group on the other email.
Also, UGH, I’m sorry.
I think RoseCamellia’s solution might be best–I’ve tried the other way once already and he (the email manager did it) just followed me over. It has something to do with my Android phone email setup, it automatically syncs all contacts and I can’t quarantine any. I can still text him when I need to by just typing the digits, but anything more than that involves that picture. I texted the other parent coach and will see what she says. At least I can block him on facebook and linked in.
Scalia has died and all I can think is what a terrible, terrible time this is for this to happen.
This tweet is basically how I feel: https://twitter.com/feraljokes/status/69861538485…
Though I haven’t let myself consider the implications seriously yet.
So first of all, Obama is not getting anyone in.
There are the “boring” (i.e. hugely consequential) election scenarios in which the same party wins the Senate and White House. Filibuster, schmilibuster–that party’s moonshot, top choice nominee is going on the Court, and the opposition can go cry in their cereal about the hallowed traditions of the Senate.
And then there’s the wild card: Clinton wins, GOP holds Senate. Do they have the guts to block all nominees for four years? Would it precipitate a constitutional crisis? (Remember, the counter-move is that Clinton recess appoints someone. Who determines the constitutionality of that recess appointment? The Supreme goddamn Court.)
We are about to live through some highly interesting political events. There has never been a vacancy this close to an election in this era of polarized parties. Never before has the future of the Supreme Court been so plainly and openly on the line in a national election.
I dunno, maybe it’s not terrible? Maybe it’s fantastic.
All I know is I am not sorry that fucker is dead.
All I know is I saw the news and I haven’t felt like this since I was 5 years old and believed in Santa Claus. Like, there was a huge, immovable thumb holding down the balance of the scales on the side of meanness and cruelty and petty-mindedness and suddenly it’s GONE.
Also, I would like just a pro forma confirmation that Dick Cheney wasn’t a member of that hunting party….
I did not wish him ill, did not wish him dead. But I am happy now that he is dead.
One of my local friends said this morning he’s pleased Scalia’s earthly exit happened in Texas. It allows my friend to add it to the very short list of reasons to be proud of our state. Not sure I can go that far, still not wishing him ill.
But still glad he’s gone.
http://thinkprogress.org/justice/2016/02/13/37494…
On the current cases and what will happen with them now.
That’s a great summary, thank you!
This is a look at the historical precedent for Obama to name a successor: http://www.scotusblog.com/2016/02/supreme-court-v…
Of course we currently have a Congress in place that would argue the sky is pink if Obama issued a proclamation saying it’s blue, so no telling what happens now. Being deliberately obstructionist could create problems for the Republicans, however, since Obama has a constitutional duty to nominate a candidate to fill the vacant SCOTUS seat and the Senate has a constitutional duty to give that nominee a fair hearing; we all know that the current hard-right folks just love the constitution.
Toasties, I need HELP. How do you deal with a microaggression?
I was at a housewarming party the other night with a dear (ish) friend from grad school, and she said to someone else, “Oh, everyone in the neighborhood loves (dog), he doesn’t bark at minorities.” I’m paraphrasing the second half, but I was the only minority in the room, which happens a lot in grad school meet ups.
UGH. Not sure how to deal.
I don’t have any helpful advice for you, but UGH indeed. That sucks.
I have no idea what that’s even supposed to mean. Do dogs bark at minorities by default?
I don’t think there’s much advice to give you here. You can just ignore it and continue to be friends with her, you’re not required to say anything about a frankly bizarre comment you overheard. If it gave you a bad impression of her, you can be polite to her in social settings and keep your distance.
Of course, you can talk to her about it. It just sounds from your comment like you maybe don’t want to confront her? “I overheard you saying [comment]. I think you’re great but your comment made me uncomfortable because [your reasons]. I really value you as a friend and don’t want this to be an issue” is an appropriate way to put it. If she’s a reasonable person, she’ll understand that you’re not saying it just to make her feel bad.
Thanks for the script! To answer your question about what it ‘means’, she was explicitly discussing what moving into a neighborhood that is mostly not white. It felt to me that she was saying ‘my dog is not racist and neither am I,’ which is not a statement I would congratulate anyone on.
I felt that she felt good about her liberal, generous approach to racism, which signaled to me that she hadn’t done a lot of close examination of what non-overt racism can look like. In this case, just at that particular moment, that looked like not having a diverse group of friends, speaking acting as though the default audience was white, and saying things that came across as if her non-overt racism was a gift, rather than….well, basically nothing.
As a minority in a lot of very white settings, I feel that my race is often forgotten or overlooked. In a large way, I feel like I’ve learned to blend (which is also something I feel uncomfortable because of -reasons-). I will say that I’ve noticed often how little that vocally loud liberal folks will do to address and counterbalance racism, and inversely how MUCH they feel that they have done.
That comment seemed very weird to me and it makes more sense (“sense”) now. Thanks. I agree with you that not being racist is hardly something to be proud of, especially if it hasn’t involved a large amount of work on her part. I would either let it go or talk to her about it. If her money is where her mouth is, she’ll think twice before saying something like this next time.
Like Trixr said, you can feign confusion the next time you’re in a situation like this. My own experience with that strategy is that people who really care about sounding progressive will suddenly notice how bad what they’re saying sounds.
Glad you explained the context because I was head-scratchingly confused. Dogs barking at “minorities” is a THING? That’s so bizarre and random.
Toasties, I wish to avail myself of your collective wisdom. The husband and I are over the Midwest and are looking to move to the West Coast. Has anyone moved across country Just Because? How did you get started looking for jobs? Did the move come first and then the job(s), or vice versa? How much did you save for/spend on moving expenses? We only have a dog and a cat, so worries on school districts and such, but I still feel paralyzed and stuck.
Unless you have a trust fund, the job usually comes first. Then you can choose housing with the job location in mind, if it’s not telework.
“Dear [hiring manager]: I am relocating to your city. [Here’s why you should hire me.] I am scheduling interviews in your city for the week of [4 weeks from now, or nearly, at erubil’s convenience]. I look forward to hearing from you.”
Job hunt from where you are now. Be ready for interviews in the target location by planning how you’ll get there and where you’ll stay. You can always cancel those 4-weeks-from-now plans if you get no bites by then.
After a couple of weeks of sending resumes, change the In Your City week to 2 weeks further in the future. Shampoo, rinse, repeat.
There are other ways to relocate. I’ve used this one many times. May you find the Toastiest work and housing.
Thank you, this is super helpful! I’m working on scheduling some interviews when I’m out there in 6 weeks, so fingers crossed!
My husband and I moved from the southeast to the Pacific northwest about ten years ago and are currently preparing for a move back to PA. Both times, a job came first. In terms of moving expenses, we are lucky enough to work in academia where it’s pretty standard for new employer to pay all or some of the moving expenses. When we moved out, we did one of those you pack the trailer but someone else drives things, and the total was about $3500 (remember, academics, not a lot of “stuff” per se but at that point we had 150 boxes of books). This time around the new job is a more senior position and comes with larger moving expenses, so we will be able to afford full-service movers. We haven’t gotten a quote yet, but expect it to be somewhere in the 6-8,000 range.
We also have pets, so we drove ourselves and the pets rather than ship the car and fly. (Our cats could have gone in an airplane cabin but our dog would have had to go in the cargo hold and I will not do that to an animal–but that’s a rant for a different time.) We had 4 cats and 1 dog when we moved west, making staying at hotels challenging. Instead, since there were two of us, we got ourselves on opposite sleep schedules and then drove it straight. Most truck stops west of the Mississippi have both showers and laundry facilities that anyone, not just truckers, can use. It’s also much more common to see people catching naps in rest areas, and you’re not likely to get grief from the police for stopping for a few hours to get some sleep. We plan to drive again this time–we’re down to 1 cat but have acquired an additional dog. We might try camping this time, or we might drive it straight, not really sure yet.
Good luck!
Good to know about the moving expense costs, thanks! I think driving makes the most sense with pets (I sense similar wavelengths re: pets in cargo holds) and it’s nice to know others have done it and everyone lived.
Nooooo!! What am I going to do at work all day?? Non-US toasties and US toasties who don’t get president’s day off please keep me company! How were your weekends? Where else do you hang out on the internet when our toast mistresses take a well-deserved day off?
I know! It’s awful when a no-Toast Monday roles around. My weekend was very nice; I went up to London to meet my father + brother and we took in a show and ate lots of Chinese and Thai! How was yours?
I don’t have a reserve internet hangout as I’m juust working my way up to posting on here! Is there a way we could have special US holiday Toast-posts? Like an open thread but with a humorous note of “Those wacky USians, celebrating their Presidents, how foolish they are. We in the rest of the world would never do such a thing!” or would that be too much work for mods etc.?
Your weekend sounds great! My sister came to visit last weekend and we ate lots of Thai and I really learn to cook more (any) Thai. What show did you see???
I broke up with my boy on Friday, it was amiable and a kindness to us both but still sad. Plus it was effing cold so I didn’t leave my house all weekend and I did whatever I wanted. It was weirdly nice and exactly what I needed.
I think it would be tough to have a holiday open thread, moderating is hard work. But those of us who don’t get mod-ed can continue to hang out here.
Thai is great! I can cook gaprow beef/chicken, but since I moved I can’t find an Asian supermarket that sells holy basil and loads of the veggies I’d use are sooo much more expensive here than at home.
I saw Nell Gwynn, it’s just opened and is really good; not a musical, so my bro was a bit 😐 but it’s a very funny telling of her life. (Nell Gwynn was one of the first female actors in London and also a mistress of Charles II, if you’re not aware – I wasn’t, being not-British.) It was not entirely historically accurate but the changes they made made it a better story!
That’s a really nice break-up story? You sound really well-adjusted to it, even though it’s never a fun thing to do. It makes me happy (even though it maybe-shouldn’t) to hear! Congrats on good relationship-ing.
And weekends where you can stay at home and just do whatever are the BEST. Especially when you’ve had a busy week – I had an interview last Friday (two Fridays ago) and just came back and collapsed into a glorious puddle of antisocial relief all weekend.
Oh I understand it would be too much work really, I was just wishful-thinking. All these US holidays sneak up on me without warning. Sensible countries just have holiday’s for the monarch’s birthday, but not on their real birthday, because that would be Too Simple.
Praise to the space witch! Nicole made us a new open thread! We don’t have to do work today after all!
I tried the bell with my pit mix, and it failed spectacularly. HOWEVER, she learned that when she scratched her neck, which jangled her collar, we would wake up in the middle of the night and let her out. So now when she wants something (to go out or her dinner), she scratches her neck. Dog logic.
My pup has a lot of fear-based issues, namely territorial aggression. We tried Prozac and it just made her weird in a different way. A training class is an excellent place to start–it will mostly train you how to be a good dog owner. The upside is that it also puts you and your co-owner on the same page, instead of you both arguing about best dog practices half-remembered from childhood mixed with bullshit your mom just made up to get you and the dog out of her way.
My dog's behavior changed a lot at 3 mo of adoption (less fearful, yay!) and then again at about a year (super territorial, boo!), so bear in mind that whatever problems you're having might go away, and be replaced with other ish.
Google is your friend. Read a few articles on each issue to make sure the first one on the list isn't a crazy person–you'll be able to tell after reading a few posts that there's some kind of basic consensus which will help evaluate something wacky (most dog trainers seem to hate Cesar Milan, so maybe take his stuff with a grain of salt, esp if it conflicts with what other trainers are saying).
DOGS! The first 6 weeks is hell, but then it starts being a lot more fun.
OH MY GOD. It's spicy and wonderful and IT KEEPS GOING UP MY NOSE. Maybe it'll help clear out my sinuses.
I just tried some Goya ginger beer. Turns out it actually does have capsicum in it. Good lord. (Though I have to admit, Q still has Goya beat on spiciness.)