Hi Toasties! This week I really loved John Leavitt’s Studio Heads of the Classic Era, In Order of Personal Awfulness, which was equal parts fascinating and horrifying. (Also as the header photo suggests, I am going to see Hail, Caesar! this weekend and I am excited about it; I don’t even care about what the Coen Brothers said about “diversity,” I was raised to worship at the altar of classic movie musicals and they will not ruin this for me)
We also had Mara Wilson’s glorious How To Tell If You’re In A Mary Gaitskill Book.
“Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good, except for you.”
Drug references that went over Jaya’s head: “My thoughts: Man, Dionne is dense, Tai is obviously asking for pot. But I also don’t get why Tai is so excited about soda.” lollll
Why Mallory wouldn’t have been burned as a witch despite what she would like to believe about herself.
I loved all of your pet stories so much; thank you for sharing them with me after I lost my cat.
Can I be honest? I had a really bad day on the internet yesterday and I’d like to vent at you now. Trolls are a part of life, yes, but until yesterday it had been a good long while since anyone called me a chink. It happened just a few minutes after I tweeted something about race, so I guess you could say I brought it on myself, but honestly, what the fuck? My mentions were disgusting all day long, and by the time my husband got home my stomach was just a ball of angry knots and I was very quiet because I couldn’t really speak without snapping. The day was only salvaged because our Girl Scout cookie order came in and I got to spend the evening eating ice-cold Samoas and doing pretty much nothing else.
I always feel silly for letting online awfulness affect me! As if I should know better than to take it personally. The people who say these things don’t know you as a person. They are your grade-school bullies just trying to get a rise out of you. They are taking out their frustration and anger (with the way the country is going, and the fact they have to see and live amongst brown people, I suppose) on you. But there’s really been a ramp-up for me personally since I wrote that dinner party piece a few weeks ago (someone left a comment on that one calling me “a member of an insect race.” WHAT DOES IT EVEN MEAN), and my threshold for this kind of gross bullshit has really dropped.
Yesterday at dinner my daughter was talking about how much she wants to be a writer, and I was just filled with white-hot rage at the thought of anyone ever writing or speaking to her the way so many women who write online are today. It’s the sort of thing that really does affect how I feel about writing in public spaces. If I ever do stop writing things on the internet [eta: probably not gonna happen], I will not miss this part.
Anyway, that is partly why we moderate the comments here, because the least we can do is make sure you don’t see that here. No one comes for you or any of our writers on our watch. We love you too much. Thank you for always being so great and positive and supportive here, not just of writers and editors but of one another. You make this place a safe haven of kindness and decency and I treasure you.
All movies need a Channing Tatum Musical Number About Situational Homosexuality
THANK YOU JOHN for telling me it was worth the price of admission
Nikki I am so sorry this happened to you and you’re a beautiful moonbeam of a person and deserve all the Girl Scout cookies.
I love you, Jaya. Come over and eat all the Girl Scout cookies with me.
Fuck the haters, and NO you didn’t bring this on yourself. I think it’s so brave to write about oneself in public spaces to begin with, but to bring in feminism and/or racism is just adding on another element, like stepping in front of the firing squad. WHICH SUCKS.
I hope to be brave one day and write about myself in a way that I hope will be as cohesive and interesting as your personal essays have been, Nikki. Please don’t stop writing!
Or, maybe get a pen-name? Jeremiah Whitesmith! j/k
oh, I did not AT ALL mean it as “I’m taking my toys and going HOME, suckers!!!” You guys are stuck with me. Just like, when people ask me if they should write online, I have to be very frank about this shit. It happens a lot. The more you write, the more it’ll happen.
Thank you for the support. <3 When I write my first book as Jeremiah Whitesmith I’ll mention you in the acknowledgments.
It turns out this also happens if you go on Jeopardy…! https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/big-tits-f…
Oh, yeah, after I was on University Challenge I encountered people tweeting about my breasts (too big to be sexy, apparently). Fun times!
Girl Scout Cookies = peace on earth.
Have an amazingly awesome weekend in spite of the trolls. You all are obvs loved/brave/inspiring, and the trolldolls just put that into sharper relief.
I hope you guys all know how much we appreciate the comment moderating – it feels like so much more than ‘the least you can do’ to keep that shit out of here. I recommended the toast to a friend last week as ‘and you can actually read the comments and contribute’ and she was utterly amazed that such a thing could be.
YES. It’s a great service & gift, and no small feat. And I feel tremendous amounts of gratitude. It’s safe and wonderful and proves that people are civil, kind, compassionate, and extraordinary when the trolls aren’t around making a ruckus. We are not catty and we do not mansplain and we do our best to display empathy and some brave souls donate kidneys. Literally saving lives, because we have the space to be kind.
I mentioned something about how great toasties are to Mr. Mad Editor, and he was like, “wait, you guys have a name?” And then I realized I’d never explained link round ups and open threads and the comments (he mostly knows texts from, redwall, quality religious coverage, two monks, art history, etc). And he was like, “so, how is this even possible with the internet the way it is?” And i shouted (I didn’t need to shout, he was like, a foot away from me on the couch): THE BEST DAMN MODERATORS ON THE WHOLE INTERNET.
We love you.
Oh I love that: “we have the space to be kind.” What a lovely way of putting it. It’s really, truly incredible. The calm, rational debate that happens here even on emotionally charged topics is always heartening, informative and encouraging. Thanks writers, thanks moderators, thanks Nikki, Nicole, Mallory, Jaya and everyone else involved, thank you to all the toastie community, THANK YOU! This is the best site on the internet, in my humble opinion.
This is the only non-social media website I’ve ever commented on for this very reason.
I’m a bit late in saying this, but I agree completely.
Days late, but I SUPER appreciate the moderation here. It is a huge part of what makes the Toast the Toast.
This is really and truly the kindest, gentlest, most understanding and splendid corner of the internet. And wicked funny and SALTY AS HELL, when it needs to be. You are all perfect. I adore all the Toastie mods and writers, and Toastie readers alike. Also, there is a special place in heaven for those of you that moderate the comments, God Almighty. XOX
“a member of an insect race”? Idiot. Once the Fleet arrives, we’ll show them an insect race to be afraid of. But I’ve already said too much.
The mother ship has a long list of wretched trolls, cross referenced by perfect form of poetic justice. Some things are just worth the extra effort.
I, for one, welcome our insect overlords.
I, for one, welcome our new Insect Overlords.
I don’t know, the praying mantis regularly sets new #misandrygoals for me.
Now we have a Chaotic Era, ho ho ho. (I’m not particularly looking forward to the sequels, but I’m glad I made it through the first one.)
Nikki I’m sad that haters came for you and I hope the Samoas helped (Samoas are the best, toasted coconut FOREVER). You seem really great and are kind of one of my life role models.
Ugh, I’m so sorry that’s happening to you. I love your writing so much and you’re wonderful. Fuck the racist haters.
I can’t wait to see ‘Hail Caesar’ because synchronized swimming! I can’t swim a lick myself (I only dog-paddle) but my lovely 13 year old daughter/part time mermaid is in her 4th year of competitive synchro, and we always get SO EXCITED when the sport turns up in movies or TV.
Joni, have you guys watched Pushing Daisies????
I strongly recommend Pushing Daisies to anyone for any reason.
Yes! Love that show. My favorite part is from the pilot, when the guy tries to murder Aunt Lily by suffocating her with a plastic bag. “I can hold my breath for a long time.” I use that line all the time but it never sounds as good because I am not Swoosie Kurtz 🙁
Pushing Daisies is absolute perfection and the Darling Mermaid Darlings are the best.
Sorry that happened to you – internet trolls are the worst and you don’t deserve that.
But keep up the great writing!!
I’ve recently decided that Samosas are best enjoyed at room temperature for maximum texture goodness. Thin Mints and Tagalongs, of course, are best refrigerated.
you do lose some of the texture with freezing but they are soooooo gooooood cold
oh god, I miss Girl Scout cookies.
cookie locator
I got really excited when i saw that, but unfortunately I have moved to Merrie Olde Englande where they do not have them, and so far I’ve once managed to get my loving family to buy me some boxes of Thin Mints, but then they ate them.
I’ve been watching Escape to the Country on YouTube, and thinking about how lovely it would be to live in the English countryside in a village or something. But now that I hear it’s a desolate, barbarian land with no Thin Mints I may have to reconsider.
I would totally ship you Girl Scout cookies in exchange for some Cadbury chocolate, because the stuff we have in the states is owned by Hershey and is awful.
I would also send you Girl Scout cookies in exchange for Ginger Nuts and Bourbon Creams (they taste of cardboard and happy childhood trips to the Lake District, what can I say?) I’m not sure if the sweet girl scouts who sell them at my T stop will be doing any more, but if they do I can…buy a couple boxes of Thin Mints and alert you by replying to this comment?
I am completely in for this plan. (Samoas too please)
Reply above with any amount of ginger nuts and bourbons your heart desires and we can make this happen.
According to Nicole’s helpful link, they will be there this Tuesday evening. THIS IS HAPPENING.
Me too! Considered shipping some via friends, but I don’t think I could enjoy £40 thin mints. Even considering how perfect they are.
OK, I got four boxes of Thin Mints and the last box of Samoas (it was raining like Hell today so the Girl Scouts had lots of customers.)
I figured it was time to create a burner email for this sort of thing so please send relevant information to siddonspackard at gmail dot com.
messaging you here since I’ve had trouble getting you on the burner email, can you let me know by email where you want your biscuits to go and what kinds?
Elsewhere on the internet, I enjoy the Let’s Play group Spoiler Warning, two of whom retweeted the “Ayn Rand Cursed A Guy’s Dick” piece. My internets are colliding! Is Mallory going to write about Fallout?
I thought I was the only special snowflake who followed both sites. And then SW folks retweet the Ayn Rand bit, and now your mentioning them. I will say this makes the internet feel cozy, as opposed to smaller.
UGH, I’m sorry. How repulsive and infuriating.
I recently learned that when my mother reads my work, she also reads all the comments, and
NO
NO, MOM, STOP
MOMMY, DON’T LOOK
At the same time, I’m positive I get gentler treatment than many of my colleagues just by virtue of my author photo showing a white woman, which is so many kinds of horrible.
How anyone has the time to be a troll online is beyond me; I’m so sorry you had that happen. (and happen, and happen, and happen…)
This is the best place on the internet. You all deserve all of the GS Cookies.
It happened just a few minutes after I tweeted something about race, so I guess you could say I brought it on myself
WHAT
NO
NO YOU COULD NOT SAY YOU BROUGHT IT ON YOURSELF
Some putrid smear of internet slime brought it on you, you did not bring it on yourself.
Sorry for yelling. I’m sorry/enraged that this has happened/is happening to you.
AGREED, in zero ways did you bring this on yourself!
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, may you have endless Toastie love and support! (Count me among the number, at least!)
It was sarcasm! I mean, in a very basic way I DID cause it, in that [words] –> [reaction], but of course the shittiness of the reaction isn’t on me.
I really appreciate yours and everyone’s support.
*red face* Um, oops. Sorry to miss the sarcasm in all my righteous indignation on your behalf.
noooo apology necessary, I appreciate the righteous indignation!
It’s so disheartening that you had to wade through all of that horribleness. In my perfect world, trolls would have all the awfulness they’ve posted trailing behind them like the chains of Marley’s ghost – the most damning ones would flash during performance reviews and job interviews. Well, in my PERFECT world they wouldn’t exist…
Absolutely no way did you bring that on yourself! Unless, perhaps, what you wrote was “please call me derogatory racist terms which reveal your own self-loathing and lack of mental function and lack of decency and lack of anything to do with your time” in which case fair game, I guess, although a remotely civilized person still wouldn’t do it.
Also, I discovered chocolate piroshki a few weeks ago and highly recommend them if you have access to a good purveyor.
Nicole, I’m so sorry that the Terribles of the world felt it necessary to show themselves to you. I hope that you spend a ton of time this weekend basking in the love of your family and friends. What you do is so, so important, and we’re lucky to have you!
nikki, you are amazing and i am so grateful we get to read your writing here.
Is it bad that I really love the Deleted Comment of the Week? The power, the glory. The Nope of it all. It feels like Justice to me.
Ugh ugh ugh to internet trolls. But I just want to echo the huge thank you for the wonderful comment moderation that makes the Toast into pretty much the best damned place I have found to hang out on the Internet. You all are absolutely wonderful, full stop.
You are awesome, that dinner-party piece was awesome, and this site is awesome! Seriously, you and your colleagues are producing some of the best stuff on the Internet. I don’t have any solutions, but I wanted you to know you have my support.
Oh, Nicole.
I’m so grateful for all your excellent moderation work. I know you’re a very small team, but I hope you can work it out so that you don’t have to moderate the comments on your own posts in future, because you shouldn’t have to look at any of that trash and have your day even a tiny bit ruined (and then chide yourself for letting it get to you).
After the first day, I did stay out of pending comments for a couple of days. But I couldn’t really do so for weeks. I got in the habit of skipping ones I saw that were left on that post, but, well, I still saw things.
Ah, I see — the pending comments for all posts are grouped together. Yeah, that makes it harder. :/
I saw Hail, Caesar! this week, and was really excited about it, but then didn’t like it as much as I thought I would. D: But, Channing Tatum is a delight (duh) and makes it worth seeing.
There’s a conversation in the movie about being suspicious of “extras” stealing things, but how not all “extras” are really like that and that we shouldn’t make assumptions about “extras”. My fiancé and I thought it was trying to comment on race, which was really strange and uncomfortable in this super white movie? Like, it’s weird to call something out, but then also very much do it yourself at the same time.
I suppose with “extras” it doesn’t even have to be race, just class or or income difference. The movie’s extras won’t be making as much as the stars or producers, so it’s like being suspicious of the help, or those people with coarser accents.
Hi Nicole! Perhaps this is a weird time to say it since I haven’t been called up to donate yet, but a few weeks ago you retweeted a call to action for a woman with blood cancer, and I clicked on the link and discovered that it’s way harder for mixed race people to find a match for bone marrow donors. And I was all, fuck that, because I’m mixed too, so I signed up to get the local kit, and sent in my swabs. Anyway, what I’m saying is if you weren’t doing what you do on the internet I probably wouldn’t have found that info and felt an immediate need to sign up as a donor, and hopefully that can save a life one day. So fuck the trolls and the racists, and I hope that thought helps a little on a bad internet day for you?
Also, everyone who’s able, let’s all sign up to be bone marrow donors! It was super easy!
The cord blood of mixed-race babies is also in super-high demand at hospitals, for similar reasons. So,if anyone here is making one of those soon (congratulations if so),maybe consider donating some cord blood?
Yes! You can look up to see if your hospital has a donation system in place at bethematch.org or you may be eligible to be sent a kit. Best to talk to your doctor by 34 weeks because it can take time to get kits sent out and paperwork done.
The statistics for mixed race folks finding donors are so low that it is absolutely worth the trouble if you are somewhere that can take your donation.
Word to the wise, donating blood does not work with extensively delayed cord clamping, but we felt like it was a trade off that was acceptable to make.
We were told delayed clamping would be okay, but in the end there was quite a flurry of activity and the cord blood donation dropped off everyone’s radar 🙁 Which was too bad, because it would have been perfectly possible, we just all forgot. It was “only” going to research at that stage, though (this was quite a while ago). But the same thing is true for bone marrow donations and the like, that there aren’t enough mixed-race donors in the pool.
This was so good to read! Thank you for telling me. I’m really glad you signed up.
This made me a little teary. My boyfriend and I are a mixed couple, and when I think about hypothetical children of the future, I always get a little pull of anxiety knowing they would likely have Some Shit To Deal With down the road. Didn’t realize THIS incredibly serious obstacle exists. Thank you for doing such an awesome thing.
Oh, that troll can piss into gale force winds.
And the thought of the children we love (or any children at all, really) growing up and having to deal with this scheisse *too*- it’s not to be borne. I hope they will have a place on the Internet as good as this one. Thanks for everything you do that allows our better selves to come out and play and think and connect.
Been lurking…
I really do consider you (and fellow Toast contributors) to be making a sacrifice (in the face of the godless trolls) for the greater good. My ten-year-old daughter is an adopted Chinese American. She firmly believes her awesomeness to be self-evident but I am braced against the day she faces/hears/get trolled by a racist or someone with loathsome ideas about adoption. The articles and conversations here about race and adoption are always thoughtful, enlightening, mind expanding. I think I’m a pretty enlightened person – but I’m a white girl and no amount of enlightened thinking can put me in Nikki’s shoes. Reading about Nikki’s experience is INVALUABLE! Thank you!
Um. Rude.
https://twitter.com/EyePatchGuy/status/6986240976…
Ugh. Pinkham is a rude guy, almost all the time. He was so mean on The Kitchenette. I guess it’s his schtick?
You deserve all the Samoas ever.
Wow, I saw the comment count here growing and assumed it was kidney-cheering, so this was very disheartening to see. It’s sad to note that, for all we’ve learned about how most trolls don’t even expect a reaction or care that someone is reading but just choose to spend quality time vomiting cruelty into the void for the hell of it, their words are nonetheless so hurtful. Really sorry this happened to you, and that guy can eat a bag of improperly prepared at Chipotle dicks.
Diving in late to say how sorry I am that you had to and have to deal with that kind of bullshit, Nicole. You are awesome, intelligent, and your writing is consistently thought-provoking.
Thank you (and all the other mods) for keeping the comments wonderfully free of trolls–I wish you didn’t have to see the horrible things that nasty people say and think. I hope that by the time your daughter is grown up, this racist fuckery will be gone.
This made me a little teary. My boyfriend and I are a mixed couple, and when I think about hypothetical children of the future, I always get a little pull of anxiety knowing they would likely have Some Shit To Deal With down the road. Didn't realize THIS incredibly serious obstacle exists. Thank you for doing such an awesome thing.
I’ve just created an account here because I desperately need this sort of safe space right now. I’m just sick of people on the internet saying racist idiot things because they can hide away safely and never get personal comeuppance for their awfulness.
OK, I got four boxes of Thin Mints and the last box of Samoas (it was raining like Hell today so the Girl Scouts had lots of customers.)
I figured it was time to create a burner email for this sort of thing so please send relevant information to siddonspackard at gmail dot com.