822 Comments

  1. threatqualitypress +89

    Friends, I know it is important to some people to be respectful of the dead, and i appreciate this in theory, which is why I will put comments about Antonin Scalia in the replies where those inclined do not have to read them.

      1. Siana720 +78

        When I heard the news the first thing I did was wonder how many minutes Obama’s moral compass made him take to be solemn or respectful before his brain started jumping up and down and listing candidates…

      6. velvt_tea +2

        Yes yes, this whole time I’ve been thinking about Scrooge being lead around by the Ghost of Christmas Future.

    2. kilks401 +29

      I am somewhat concerned about how this plays out. I never know how much to worry, but the Mitch McConnell’s willingness to just oppose any nomination is not good. The US is the only country with a political system like ours that has survived for this long.

      Mitch McConnell, Obama and Paul Ryan can legitimately say they were democratically elected, and there is no mechanism to force them to compromise outside of one side losing an election. Given how different electorates vote in off year vs. Presidential years, as the norms of American government break down, I wonder how things will work. http://www.vox.com/2015/3/2/8120063/american-demo…

      Then again, the US survived, (more or less) a civil war, so who knows.

      1. halloweenjack64 +43

        I think that the Republicans are really fucked on this one. They don’t want to let an Obama nominee in, because that will most likely result in Citizens United being overturned and the money won’t be good, but blocking the nomination might cost them the Senate.

        1. ellesusan +35

          It also might cost them decisions on cases being considered before SCOTUS this term, because if the justices deadlock, then the lower court decisions stand. Which is not a bad thing, mind, but is something that could have the GOP screaming.

          1. bird_internet +27

            It’s possible that those cases will need to be re-argued after the vacancy is filled. Hopefully that could contribute to a sense of urgency? I mean having three functioning branches of government is pretty central to that whole “upholding the Constitution” thing.

            Hah, who am I kidding, these fuckers love it when civilization grinds to a halt.

        2. Perdita McLeod +38

          If they do manage to hold out until a new President takes office, and that President is Clinton or Sanders, just HOW GREAT would it be if Obama were nominated? Assuming, of course, that he wanted the job, it would be one of the greatest “put THAT in your pipe and smoke it” moves of all time. Plus I believe that Obama would make an excellent Justice.

          1. owlbrick +30

            Me too! I’ve been saying this for a while now, even before Scalia… the next president, be it Clinton or Sanders, needs to nominate Obama for supreme court. I mean, think about it… he is uniquely qualified. He’s not just someone who knows how power operates; he was a constitutional law scholar and editor of the Harvard Law Review before he got into politics!

          2. anniekate76 +7

            But he’d have to recuse himself from a lot of important stuff, wouldn’t he? Like if Obamacare came before the court again?

          3. Perdita McLeod +23

            That’s a good point! That would be the case at least for a while and could be a good reason not to do it. Plus he might want a few years off! He could be a great nominee down the road after any legislation that passed during his presidency has worked its way through the courts already.

            Mostly I just like to imagine how mad the Republicans would be. (In a similar vein, I saw a change.org petition to nominate Anita Hill. Now, I have strong feelings against suggesting to any woman that she should go back to work with a man who harassed her and made her life so thoroughly terrible for a period of time, even if it would be as a peer and not an underling. So it is of course a terrible idea for that and other reasons. But hoo boy, I have spent several minutes gleefully imagining how enraged that would make Clarence Thomas and his awful, awful wife.)

          4. sluts4ever +4

            He would be a great justice, however I think he is ready to (and SHOULD) go back to community organizing. Obama has been so limited by Washington, and I think he can get a lot more done for the populations he cares about as a community organizer. I’m also in social services, and I just know that he would be an amazing ED for his TBA foundation.

      2. threatqualitypress +14

        yeah I think McConnell thinks that a vacant supreme court justice is going to drive GOP voters during the general election, but I think it’s also going to drive Dem voters a lot more than he expects, and Democrats do a lot better when there’s high turnout. My hope is that he does obstruct it the whole time, and that it backfires spectacularly by simultaneously driving an unusual high Dem turnout while putting the capstone on the country’s continued disgust for the GOP-controlled congress.

        1. kilks401 +2

          I saw someone point out that obstructing helps Republicans in primary season, since they could get primaried. So I’m hoping after the primaries but before the general election he agrees to appoint someone.

          Unlikely, but would be interesting.

          1. threatqualitypress +3

            yeah I think this is actually more to provide cover for Senators who are up in moderate states than anything else. Pat Toomey, in PA, I know is in panic mode, since our democratic governor won by a landslide and the GOP supporters in his state have been making grumbling noises about him — if he acts like a reactionary wing nut and actively supports the block, he runs the risk of infuriating Dems and alienating the handful of moderate republicans remaining, but if he goes forward with the nomination, he runs the risk of getting primaried.

            So, McConnell declares he’s not even going to let the Senate vote on it until after the election, and Pat Toomey doesn’t have to worry about it.

    3. HermoineDanger +33

      I’m in the same boat as far as “celebrating” his death goes, but my main hope for all of this is that the public realizes how important Supreme Court nominees are and that they decide policy for decades to come. Even if Obama manages to replace Scalia (and I think he will be able to), there are still several justices who are fairly old and could need to be replaced in the next administration. A lot of legal scholars have been calling this issue out as one of the most important of the next election, and this will at the very least shine a spotlight on it.

      1. GoatseFanfic +15

        I kinda hope that with the replacement specifically in light of this fucken election people realize how messed up it has to have a president effectively arbitrarily determining policy with no accountability or gainsay via proxy like forty years after their term expired, or not, based on whether one of their predecessor’s chosen flacks tipped over under their administration

        1. redheadedwolf +15

          “a president effectively arbitrarily determining policy” — but it’s only 1/9 of a policy determination (even assuming the chosen justice votes according to the POTUS’ wishes forever, which I would say is unlikely) each time. Even with Obama’s eight years, he’s only replaced 1/3 of the SCOTUS.

          I think there are legitimate criticisms to make of the lifetime appointment clause, but I don’t think it comes down to the POTUS’ nomination that has to be confirmed by the Senate (a process that screened out W’s idiotic Harriet Myers choice, remember).

          1. GoatseFanfic +13

            frankly I wouldn’t be okay with whatever bitter old Nazi my grandparents decided was the lesser evil a generation ago getting an automatic hundredth of the final say on whether torture is cool or black people are actually sapient now. Politicians have their time, it ends, new ones come in with new ideas that at least vaguely approximate the values of the people they rule, and despite lame claims to the contrary Supreme Court justice has never been an apolitical position that maintains some kind of timeless continuity of Constitutional ideals.

            And given that ‘screw what the Senate has to say about it’ is a pretty basic consensus among Democratic types and Toasties now, the Senate confirmation seems a pretty weak justification. Like, in your opinion is the system really working well if the Senate actually manages to ‘screen out’ any nominations until the next presidency? Is that how things are gonna go down?

          2. redheadedwolf +22

            If the Senate abdicates its constitutional duty of “advice and consent,” we have a huge problem on our hands, yes.

            I agree with you that lifetime appointments are a problem, but that’s overshadowed right now by the legislative branch’s truancy. There has to be respect for the Constitution before it can be amended (otherwise, what’s the point, no one will follow the amendment either).

          3. GoatseFanfic +5

            Leaving aside that Scalia was confirmed by the Senate (and it’s incredible good fortune if he’s the worst we’ve got to complain about in a process that also brought us Oliver Wendell Holmes), if their review gets bypassed by the Executive just ’cause this session’s annoying nobody’s going to come along and restore the Senate’s role in the review process when they start behaving how you want them to again and it’s a nice polite liberal Senate under a Republican president, that’s not how it works. None of this is answering the problem or even any of the symptoms of the problem, you’re just arguing for fixing a gas fire by pouring on more gasoline.

          4. redheadedwolf +13

            As shitty as Scalia (and Oliver Wendell Holmes) was, he was appointed and confirmed according to the Constitution. I don’t have a problem with that. He never had more than his single vote among nine. That’s how it’s supposed to work.

            I don’t think Obama’s going to bypass the Senate review — I haven’t seen him or anyone else suggest that. I think the Senate will cave eventually this year.

            It’s weird to consider myself a conservative, but yeah, I’m not in favor of tearing up or otherwise overriding the Constitution (which few of the Republicans on Capitol Hill can say accurately about themselves).

          5. GoatseFanfic +2

            The general suggestion I’ve heard is that he make a recess appointment.

            We’ve amended away the Constitution’s more anti-democratic points in the past, that’s why most of us are even allowed to vote. That process remains unfinished, and coincidentally the letter of the Constitution is the only outside influence Supreme Court justices must respect.

          6. redheadedwolf +3

            Ah, I hadn’t seen that suggestion. I don’t think it would be advisable, unless the Senate really does obstruct for like six-plus months with no sign of change.

            I am very much in favor of amendments to fix the anti-democratic parts of the Constitution, and hopefully to do away with the lifetime appointment bit as well (though I don’t know what would be the drive for that).

          7. quellthesparkle +7

            The administration has come out and said that they won’t make a recess appointment. Even if they did, it would be a temporary solution. Recess appointments need to be approved by the Senate at the end of the next term otherwise the position opens up again. <a href=”http://(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recess_appointment)” target=”_blank”>(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recess_appointment)

            And I bet the congress doesn’t go out of session again (once they’re back from the current recess) until after the election just to ensure that this option remains closed.

          8. GoatseFanfic +9

            It was never a good idea but I’m glad Obama’s come out and rejected it. And as committed to gridlock as they are I don’t think anything comes between a Congressman and his vacation

          11. redheadedwolf +7

            Historically speaking, shitty people have held and wielded power for the advantage of the privileged. I don’t think that’s necessarily an indictment of the governing framework that empowered them. If anything, it’s encouraging to see the balance of power slowly diversifying, that it’s possible in this system (flawed though it is). Which is not to say there won’t be shitty people yet to come into the executive and judicial branches. I still don’t think it’ll be time then to throw out the Constitution (though amendments are great).

    4. Sanjay +61

      A few people on my twitter feed set out to humanize Scalia by pointing out that he was best buds with Ruth Bader Ginsberg, a tactic I found pretty endearing, if nothing else.

      2. threatqualitypress +22

        it makes sense that the only good thing about Scalia is that he was friends with Ginsburg.

    5. deleted7541601 +37

      Didn’t know the guy, so I’ll let his friends and family do the mourning. That said, I don’t think he was the right man for his job.

    6. houblonchouffe +45

      I feel sympathy for his friends and family. Loss is hard.

      I can appreciate his legal mind and disagree VEHEMENTLY with his conclusions.

      What I’m struggling with is the excoriation of anyone on social media who isn’t singing Ding-Dong, The Witch Is Dead and shows even the tiniest bit of feeling beyond pure joy at Scalia’s passing.

      1. j_bird +27

        I don’t personally like celebrating death (though I don’t necessarily think badly of people who do), so when someone who has done evil things dies, I mourn not for them, but for the people they have harmed.

        2. AmazingSandwich +1

          I don’t understand this at all. How do you know what the people who’ve been harmed feel or what they’d appreciate you feeling on their behalf? I’m trying not to come off offended, but to be honest, I sort of am.

          1. j_bird +1

            Sorry, I didn’t see this until now. You are right, I absolutely don’t know what the people who have been harmed feel or would like me to feel on their behalf. And I don’t think I’m doing them, or the world, a favor by thinking somberly about the bad things that happened to them.

            Perhaps “mourning” was the wrong word to describe what I’m talking about. Maybe “remembering” is a better word. It generally involves reading and thinking about old accounts of the dead bad dude’s actions and looking around for current commentary from people who were affected by his actions or are living with the repercussions.

            Maybe I should try to keep my emotions out of it, but since I am not a robot, I am pretty much guaranteed to have some kind of feelings when I hear about the death of a person who has done bad things. I do try not to vomit out my feelings at others who are closer to the person’s radius of harm or tell them how they should feel.

            Is it the “necessarily” from my earlier comment that gives you pause? Because the more I think about it, I would probably strike it out and say, ” I don’t think badly of people who celebrate the death of someone like Scalia [full stop].”

            Also, to be clear, I was talking strictly about my own internal state (I think that was the general theme of the thread), not speaking from the perspective of an activist. So yeah, if I was going to, e.g., try to do something to help the families of people who were unjustly killed under the death penalty that Scalia supported, it would absolutely be important to listen to them carefully and deprioritize my own feelings.

          2. j_bird +1

            One more thing: I think the reason I threw that “necessarily” in there in the first place was because I’d been thinking about when Osama bin Laden was killed and I ran into a whole bunch of people who were SUPER PUMPED that we’d gotten the bad guy but quite openly hated Muslims in general, and thus didn’t give a shit about most of the people bin Laden harmed. But still, now that I think about it, it’s not their reactions to bin Laden’s death I disliked, it was just their general ethical worldview.

    7. sigaloenta +101

      My grandmother died two weeks ago, after a long and painful and slow decline; the last six months, she was practically bedridden, became unable to feed herself, and was in horrible pain all the time, not to mention incredibly lonely and depressed and frustrated and ashamed that she wasn’t mobile and was helpless. I share this only to say that I have been thinking a lot about the end of life, and so I was really angry when I read about Scalia: when someone who was such an amazing force for good at my grandmother had to suffer so long and so pointlessly and unhappily, how DARE the universe give Scalia, of all people, a quick, easy exit at the height of his career and his faculties.

      2. threatqualitypress +19

        yeah and the worst part is — because of course this is how it happens with Scalia, OF COURSE this is how it happens with Scalia — is why couldn’t that toxic motherfucker have died two weeks ago before the court granted a stay on the new EPA regulations.

    9. GruntledDave +41

      I don’t celebrate his death; dying is terrible no matter who it is.

      But he was a bully, a jerk, and the public face of racism and misogyny in the judicial branch. So I won’t try to speak well of him.

    10. Nashirakins +46

      I will admit to clapping my handd in delight whey husband told me. I’m not thriled Scalia is dead, but I am thrilled that he’s off the court, since he openly and wantonly hated me and people like me.

      I am very much hoping Obama can get a decent, young, fairly liberal justice confirmed. I think it’s incredibly dishonest of the GOP to claim that with almost a full year left, the position should be left open – I mean really? We can’t afford that as a nation for pity’s sake. It’s so ethically bankrupt of them to go there.

    11. RamekinRamekin +97

      Yeah, I know IN THEORY I should be a bigger person, who shows respect for the dead and allows time for proper mourning and blah blah blah.

      But then I think about some of Scalia’s comments and decisions, and the power he had over the lives of millions of people.

      Scalia was a homophobe who compared homosexuality to pedophilia, and who argued that moral claims against homosexuality were equivalent to moral claims against murder.

      He was a racist who argued, IN 2015, that black students should go to “slower” schools.

      He was a staunch defender of a man’s right to eliminate a woman’s right to choose.

      He thought the use of enhanced interrogation methods, aka torture, was just fine. When pressed on the issue, the best justification he could cite was a friggin’ TV show.

      With respect to Bush vs. Gore, he didn’t think it was really all that important to recount all the votes. Later on he told angry Americans upset about the decision to “get over it.” Yes, “get over” one of the most disastrous presidencies in US history and all its attendant consequences, many of which we are still dealing with and paying for even now.

      He was a nasty, cruel, mean-spirited person. I may be sorry for his family but I’m not sorry that he’s gone.

      1. Kay +64

        I keep coming back to a variation of the line Bette Davis was purported to have quipped about Joan Crawford’s passing: One should never say bad things about the dead, only good. Antonin Scalia is dead. Good.

        (And I feel really mean for thinking it, especially thinking of RBG, but there it is.)

    12. redheadedwolf +34

      Yeah, I don’t feel the need to mourn someone I didn’t know.

      There are a lot of bigots in this country, but few had the influence and power he did. So I am glad he no longer has that power — it’s just a pity that the Constitution stipulates it had to be DEATH (or retirement) that took it away.

      I got pretty angry this morning catching a bit of CBS morning news, when they repeatedly said he was a “good man” and quoted some of his oh-so-charming silly phrases, but not a word about his more controversial shit. It’s not even a tiny bit relevant that just last year he suggested black students might do better at “less fast-paced” academic institutions?

      I don’t know how, but I hope it becomes clear to the GOP quickly that if they try to block any confirmation for AN ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR, that will backfire badly on them. Because it has to. It would just be so beyond the pale, when the longest confirmation process ever was 120 days, and Obama has more than 300 left.

    13. GoatseFanfic +169

      seems real disrespectful to start cheering this early on, I mean we’re still not really sure whether he’s actually dead or someone just found one of his discarded shed skins again

    14. kilks401 +24

      Can someone explain what Scalia decisions demonstrated him being brilliant? I see that quite a bit, “He was a horrible bigot but a brilliant legal mind,” but whenever I see excerpts from his decisions I was and am not especially impressed. He could be pithy, but what are people referring to?

      I’m genuinely curious, as I probably mostly only see his more terrible opinions, for instance around gay people.

      1. GoatseFanfic +16

        he made more effort at coming up with a rationale for doing whatever he felt like than Thomas does, although often not much, because as Supreme Court justice you basically don’t have to

      2. hapsatou +34

        As someone that has had to read a lot of Supreme Court decisions I always looked forward to reading Scalia’s. His decisions were well organised, well written and at times entertaining. Other justices (ahem Breyer) sometimes ramble or it’s unclear on what legal peg they’re hanging their decision.

        I say this as someone that found his strict constructionism as anything but strict and hated many (but not all he was big on 1st and 4th amendment rights) of his decisions.

        1. kilks401 +13

          seriously thank you. I have needless to say never tried to read Breyer’s opinions, so I had no comparison to work with.

          And yes, my parents are defense lawyers for juveniles, and so they were quick to point out Scalia voted for some good decisions in our horrible treatment of juveniles convicted of crimes.

        2. coloredlights +16

          My favorite law school final was for my Legislation course, where we had to basically go over the evidence in a case before SCOTUS and write an opinion as one of the then-sitting justices. I chose Scalia, wrote exactly one word more than the minimum, was as clear and concise and snarky as humanly possible, and got an A-.

          I enjoyed reading a lot of his decisions for their composition, though basically never for their content. He was a great legal writer.

          1. hapsatou +3

            He has a book he co wrote with a lawyer called Making Your Case-The Art of Persuading Judges that is a pretty excellent guide to legal writing and oral arguments.

      3. Currer_Belle +17

        RBG has said before that his dissents helped her to revise and sharpen her own opinions when she wrote for the majority.

        If his opinions were good enough to make hers better, I’m content enough to concede that point.

      4. threatqualitypress +7

        I don’t know, I never found him to be a brilliant jurist, only facile at arguing.  Maybe his brilliance was taking morally indefensible positions and making them sound plausible?

    15. catweazlol +85

      I was at a gay bar doing karaoke on Saturday night and while I was picking up a tray of tequila shots an elderly man pulled me aside and said “Did you hear the news about Scalia? I heard he wanted to be cremated but tomorrow millions of women are going to decide what should be done with his body.”

      2. JColleen +8

        Am I going to hell for loving that so much?

        My first thought when I heard Scalia had died of unidentified natural causes was that he had choked on his own bile.

    17. Unreadaethel +14

      One of his daughter’s is a customer of ours at work (we did a fairly significant renovation project for her and her husband), so I’m channeling all of my respectful condolences towards her (like, in the privacy of my mind. It would be weird to call her all “hey, sorry your dad died and is on all the national news”).

    18. Räven +56

      Pol Pot had a family. Mussolini had a family. Many terrible people are kind and respectful to children, animals and the people they actually know in life (especially if they are lucky enough to work with RBG). It’s never too soon to point out that someone was indifferent to, and did damage to, the lives of people they were not personally acquainted with.

      1. redheadedwolf +16

        Exactly! I saw John Hodgman tweet that he never celebrates death, and of course my mind immediately jumped to Hitler and Saddam and those who died under them or those who watched loved ones die and survived to see the despots’ own end. I wouldn’t blame them in the least for celebrating those deaths.

        I am not putting Scalia on Hitler’s level, despite how it looks — this was just my determination of whether it’s really a universal evil to celebrate death. Scalia didn’t hold nearly as much power, but there are many groups of people whose humanity he either trampled on or openly scorned. I don’t blame them either for celebrating.

        1. Räven +9

          Oh I’m not equating him with Mussolini, either, it’s just easier to see at the extremes that maybe it isn’t a requirement to praise someone upon his death. I wouldn’t go to his wake and tell off his kids, I have a lot of respect for personal grief; but he was a very divisive very influential public figure who I would not have praised in life, and I don’t think a curtain of decency applies to me now either.

    19. irishup +60

      I’ll go with the old Darrow paraphrase: I have never wished anyone dead, but I have occasionally read an obituary to GREAT satisfaction.

      I don’t see the peaceful, swift death of a 79yo who had a full life and career as any kind of tragedy whatsoever. Sure it’s cliche, but death IS the cost of living, and Scalia went under the best possible circumstances that people go, and in the fullness of time at that.

      At the same time, I can understand the sorrow and grief of the people who loved him, and feel badly for them, that now is their time to go through that. My mom taught us that grief is for the living.

      He was a man who wielded his privileges to great harm, no matter what good he brought to those he personally valued, whose death was undeservedly graceful, if judged against the weight of the harms he wrought.

    20. threatqualitypress +10

      in any case, there’s been a lot of people on the Facebook and the Twitters trying to scold other people for being happy at Scalia’s demise — often these are people who were directly, verifiably, and specifically harmed by his abominable positions that he didn’t even have the decency to seem apologetic over — and honestly all it’s done is make me re-evaluate my feelings about speaking ill of the dead.

    21. pretty_monster +15

      i texted my partner with the good news and then, my dear Toasties, i got out of my car and danced a little jig in the parking lot. he was a racist, misogynistic, homophobic bigot. i see no need to show such a terrible person any respect, be they alive or dead, and i fully believe that this world is now a better place without him.

      *jigs some more*
      *JIG JIG JIG*

    22. clairebm +4

      I’m super late as always, but I have to say I find the US system of nominations for the Supreme Court very weird.

      In Australia the government appoints all the judges (and possibly they need Parliamentary approval, can’t remember) but it’s nowhere near as fraught or partisan. I suppose people realise that conservative governments will tend to appoint more conservative people and vice versa, but there’s never a fight about it. And no one expects judges to decide things along ideological lines, at least nothing like what happens in the US.

      I just think it’s seems so unworkable to be able to have the senate be so obstructive! And for judicial appointments to be so politicized!

      Not at all sad about Scalia’s death though, I heard him speak at my uni once, and he refused to share the stage with one of our former (and I would say one of the most brilliant) High Court judges (our highest court) because that judge is openly gay. It was just so disrepectful, especially to such a senior legal figure!

      1. redheadedwolf +3

        To be honest, it’s only been this bad in an ideological/partisan way since the ’90s (which is long enough). I don’t think the rise of the internet and 24-hour media has helped things.

        Ugh, Scalia is the worst for disrespecting your judge!

        2. kilks401 +1

          I think it’s long been partisan, there was just a weird 40 year period where it wasn’t partisan. There’s a reason FDR tried to pack the court. In 1844 – 1845 Tyler had 2 vacancies and he could only fill 1 of them over a 15 month period, cause the Whigs were hoping to win the election the next year. http://talkingpointsmemo.com/dc/scotus-precedent-…

      2. MariposaAzul +1

        He did that to Michael Kirby??! The bastard!!

        I think it’s the Governor-General who technically appoints our High Court judges so I’m not sure how politically intertwined the nomination is… I could find out though.

        1. clairebm +1

          That was the rumour, and I had it direct from a pretty reliable source 😉

          Probably the Governor/GG just appoints whoever the Premier/PM recommends (I should know, I work for an AG’s dept!), I imagine it would be a pretty big crisis if they didn’t!

  2. NicoleCliffe +136

    My dad and his girlfriend were here for the weekend from Canada, and it was so nice to have them. My daughter knew who they were, and was happy to chat and be with them and let my dad carry her.

    2. geekcrackteam +17

      As a visiting family member, its so great when the kids start to remember you and will talk! My nephew is 3 and starting to understand the concept that I live in another country, although it does make leaving so much more heartbreaking when he says Don’t Go!

  3. Claudia +13

    Two things! 1. Is anyone else excited about the new love interest on Elementary? An Aspie, I think? I don’t know, just caught the end of it. Anyway, will start watching again!

    Also, 2. Baby in fleece snow suit + fluffy protector dog = wonderful picture

    There was something else, but I forgot. It’ll come to me later. I hope?

    1. catweazlol +5

      I really liked the character on her first episode and am glad they brought her back but I am nervous about her being a love interest for Sherlock because I really can’t see how it would end well.

    2. MaladyDee +3

      Oh my god yes, I’m so excited, I keep re watching the last scene and sqeeing. I can’t wait for the next episode.

  4. Siana720 +17

    This weekend was so cold in Boston that I am *still* reluctant to go outside even though it’s like 20 degrees warmer now. Also our pipes froze, but that’s just like, annual at this point.

    1. sausagedog +5

      Yeah, this weekend in Boston was cold. I stayed inside all day on Sunday and it was glorious listening to the wind whip the windows & not have to step out into it. Now I am at work, instead of wearing my flannel pajamas and making a gratin, and I am very salty about it.

    4. kayjayoh_ +2

      Our pipes froze, too. Just the ones on the second floor (in the bathroom) though. First winter in this house. First winter as home owners. So I was HUGELY relieved when the water started running again this afternoon with no signs that anything had burst. (All the pipes in question are enclosed in walls, so we had no way of checking._

    5. currerbell789 +2

      I had to go to work yesterday, and was so bitter about it. I work as a guide at historical house, and I wasn’t expecting anyone to show up. We ended up getting five tours, and every time someone arrived, we were all wondering WHY you would go to a house that has no central heat (thankfully our office does, but the house itself does not) on one of the coldest weekends so far. It was a fun time.

      And it was so cold it effected my phone battery and my battery went from almost to full to nothing when I was walking to the T, so my dream of taking an Uber from the T stop to my house also died.

      Basically, looking really forward to the 50 degree weather tomorrow.

  5. Biblioholic +18

    I’m moving to the DC metro in exactly one month (!!!). I’ve been taking notes whenever Toasties mention restaurants and general DC advice, but I’d love more if you’ve got it! I’ll be living in Fairfax, VA. A couple things I’m wondering about:
    -Any recommended temp agencies or govt contractors where I can look for work?
    -Good dog rescues in the area?
    -Fun day trips? I’ve lived in Philly and in Baltimore, so I’ve seen those, but haven’t explored much south or west of DC.

    Thanks in advance!

    1. safvn +4

      A friend of mine works at Rural Dog Rescue and from everything she’s ever said, it sounds fantastic. They work with a ton of volunteers, too, so if you’re seeking volunteer work instead of or in addition to a dog, they would be great.

      Good luck! So exciting!

    2. Ethylbenzene +14

      Fairfax has a really nice Wegmans. If you come from a place with no Wegmans, you are in for a treat 🙂

    3. ophelias_ghost +14

      Well one issue with exploring south of DC is that VA is so huge you can drive most of the day and never leave the state, but there are a lot of cool places to visit, especially if you’re a history buff. Potential day trips that I’ve gone on include:

      -Luray Caverns (absolutely gorgeous)
      -Jamestown and/or Colonial Williamsburg
      -Monticello or Mount Vernon
      -Civil War battlefields/memorials up the wazoo (tons in VA and Gettysburg is also driveable there are great outlet malls nearby)
      -Kings Dominion or Busch Gardens if you like rollercoasters
      -Exploring the BEAUTIFUL Shenandoah
      -Virginia Beach
      -Annapolis
      -Richmond
      -Chincoteague/Assateague islands off the Eastern Shore (wild poniessss)

      Also DC is great, the museums are the best in the world (and most are FREEEEEE) and I think it has a pretty decent restaurant/nightlife scene, although I haven’t explored it thoroughly

      1. thebeagee +8

        Note: if you go to any of the major free museums in DC GO IN THE MORNING. If you get there when they first open, you’ll have a shorter line and less massive amounts of crowds to deal with.

      2. hummingrose +4

        Also, lots and lots of excellent wineries in Northern VA (I live in Fairfax and can get to one of my favorites in under an hour) and around the Charlottesville region.

    4. cuminafterall +7

      Enjoy DC! I lived there for 9 years and I still miss it!

      I temped for a while with OfficeTeam and I never had to wait long for a placement with them, and they work with all kinds of organizations (including really conservative policy groups– I was placed at one for several weeks and it was… weird). I was more satisfied with my experience temping for Professionals for Nonprofits, which has a more progressive client base. They have a fair amount of temp-to-hire work, as well, if that’s what you’re looking for.

      For day trips, Richmond is definitely worth a visit– the Fan District is beautiful. There’s lots of great hiking in the Shenandoah, and Great Falls is also nice. I heard great things about Charlottesville but never got down there myself. I also really liked Harper’s Ferry and the C&O Canal.

    5. eeecstatic +6

      If you’re into hiking there’s a lot of nice hiking in the area, like the Billy Goat Trail, or Sugarloaf. The Unique thrift store by the Dunn Loring metro has a really great selection.

      1. thebeagee +1

        Wineries are a good suggestion. Some ‘meh’ wines out there, but also a lot of really good ones and you can walk up and do a tasting at a lot of them. Also, distilleries. There are some good distilleries with tours and tastings in VA.

    7. whiskey_ginger +3

      There are some beautiful, still mostly-rural areas of Loudoun and Fauquier counties that are easy day trips. Springtime drives out there when the trees are blooming are one of the things I miss most about that area. You could visit The Whole Ox (run by the awesome and adorable Derek and Amanda) in Marshall, The Red Fox (not a great food destination, but they were a location for The West Wing) in Middleburg, The Hunter’s Head in Upperville, and a bunch of other cute, day-trip friendly spots that I’m sure have popped up since I left. Virginia wine country is also no joke, and even if you aren’t super into wine the vineyards are generally gorgeous, staffed by friendly people, and offer tours and/or tastings. Old Town Alexandria is also lovely, pleasant to stroll around, and has a great restaurant scene if you want something a little closer to home.

      Enjoy! It’s a great area to live in and explore.

    8. GoatseFanfic +4

      HireStrategy is pretty good at getting the hookupand IIRC never really screwed me like some of the other recruiters I tried when I was starting out. Depending on what you do you may wanna avoid government contracting, it’s all the Brazil-style bureaucratic hellscape and shitty pay of a fed job without the thirty years of coasting to a pensioned retirement of a fed job, nonprofit sector’s where it’s at in the DC area.

      There’s no actual cities worth seeing south of DC but you gotta hit up SNP immediately. White Oak Canyon, Old Rag if you’re willing to climb a bit. Right north of Fairfax the Eden Center in Seven Corners is a funky little Little Saigon kinda deal worth swinging by at least once.

    9. fakely_mctest +3

      There is a DC Toast group (don’t know if the link will work because it’s a private group, but if you want I can send your email on to the admins and they can add you).

      When the weather is nicer, I always try to make at least one trip out to Chincoteague or Assateague. It’s a long day trip but doable. Plus ponies and seashore!

      Homeward Trails is a great rescue. I volunteer with them some but I live in the very north of the city and a lot of their stuff seems to be VA-based, so that might be a good fit for you. They take in a bunch of dogs from rural shelters and have sometimes been involved in adopting out dogs from hoarding situations.

    10. lizzythecat +3

      I temped with Track Services and they were great, a lot of temp-to-hire happened there. I did work for some capital-E Evil people (big corporations), so if that makes you quesy, steer clear of them.

    11. lesliejroot +3

      If you like your dogs on the bigger side, I have a friend who fosters for Dogs XL Rescue. I think they’re based in Maryland but they do stuff around the DC region.

      Other people have given pretty good day trip advice, I think! If you like outdoorsy stuff, check out the Capital Crescent Trail for biking – or the Mt Vernon Trail, which you can take all the way down to George Washington’s home at Mt. Vernon (though I’ve never gone that far). Kingman Island and Hains Point are also nice, and I didn’t discover either one til I’d been in DC for a long time. Also Glen Echo Park – they have contra dancing on Friday nights and the Washington Folk Festival is held there.

      If you’re a CSA kind of person, I did Bull Run Mountain Farm and liked it, and they have a pickup in Fairfax.

  6. kaylaelisabethblog +17

    Does anyone know when Chicago Hamilton tickets go on sale? I’m only 10 hours away and I’m considering taking a fall trip.

    1. anniekate76 +4

      There is a group buy situation on the Chicago Toastie Facebook group. I don’t have details on the top of my head cuz I got in on a different friend group but deal but check previous open threads.

      1. practical cat +1

        Is it cool to join the Chicago Toastie group if I don’t live there YET but will be there this fall?

        1. anniekate76 +3

          Well, they do ask for a photo of your driver’s license and three witnesses who can attest that you never put ketchup on your hot dog…

          (Of course you can join! 😉 I believe you have to seek out Lisa Poirier on FB and ask for an invitation though because it’s a closed group. Hoping someone more in the know will chime in!)

          1. practical cat +1

            OH NO, I HAVE put ketchup on hot dogs, ugh I’m a monster.

            Thanks for the info, it’ll probably be forever until I get around to it as I am terrible at facebook but I am very excited at the prospect of more Toast in my life.

  7. Scared_Vagina +42

    Agh, I forgot you were having one of your American holidays and have been refreshing The Toast impatiently. Are you all doing fun, non-work based things? Let me live vicariously through you.
    I am at work but I am thinking about sacking off the gym this evening to go and buy myself some new boots because my existing ones are circling the drain.

    1. Biblioholic +44

      I am also at work. President’s Day is one of those holidays that only about 10% of people get off work. So don’t be too jealous.

      2. Räven +4

        It’s a federal holiday, and a stock market holiday, and at least in the northeast most k-12 schools schedule their winter break to contain it – but unless you work or live in one of those three spheres, this is not much of a festival day.

    2. Es_Petal +10

      Me too! My post-work actitivites are going to involve cleaning poo off my horse’s hairy trousers. Marvellous.

    3. urspostrophe +22

      I am an American and at work, but by chance about half of my coworkers and my boss are gone, and I don’t have a lot of work on my plate today. So it sort of feels like a vacation? I keep doing about 20 seconds of work and then rewarding myself with 5 minutes of internet.

        1. urspostrophe +16

          Yeah, truthfully it’s about every day for me too. Is this what work is? I don’t know if I can do this for another 35 years.

          1. joancallamezzo +13

            Thought I was the only one. I need to find a Not Office Job but I am trained for precisely nothing.

          2. geekcrackteam +17

            I mean what else are you supposed to do when sat at a computer all day?

            My grand achievements today have been 1) applying for a job elsewhere and 2) spending a good hour trying to track down a boy I met via his first name, job and company he works for (still no joy. Its really hard to find someone online without their second name!)

      2. Scared_Vagina +3

        My boss and her boss are gone today too, along with quite a lot of the company via either illness or holidays, so I am sort of taking it easy too tbh.

      1. Scared_Vagina +4

        Yusss… spending the rest of my afternoon browsing boots online before I go to the shops to look at them for realz.

    5. tiny_bookbot +17

      I forgot too, because I work at an American institute of higher education that does not bother with President’s Day. So I taught Act I of The Tempest to kids who would rather be sleeping. (ME TOO GUYS but thanks for being good sports!)

        1. tiny_bookbot +7

          TRUTH I love it so.

          I made them do dramatic readings of a couple excerpts to see how performance affects whether we see Prospero as a total dick or an okay dude with a few simmering issues.

        2. VioletandIrises +2

          I went to see it at Shakespeare in the Park this year, and it started POURING with about a half hour left and I couldn’t wait for the show to restart because it was a Sunday night and I had work the next day. It was disappointing–the cast was really great.

          1. anniekate76 +5

            So what you’re saying is that your Tempest was interrupted by a tempest?

            [Insert dog-making-a-dad-joke meme image here, which I am too lazy to search for right now]

            In other not seeing Tempest news, I worked at a Shakespeare theater for 11 years, and they didn’t do a mainstage production of Tempest until about 3 months AFTER I LEFT. (And by the time I tried to get tickets it was sold out, like mega-sold-out, because I am silly and waited too long.)

    6. ayelltee +3

      Home today, overseeing workmen who have to remove a chunk of our master bedroom ceiling to do some pipe work. “Overseeing” is a slight exaggeration: I’m hiding in the kitchen, listening to the crashes and thuds and waiting for the dust to start drifting downstairs.

    7. culture24rosie +34

      After work tonight I am going to an event at our local Sealife Centre which rejoices in the name of the Tentacular Spectacular, at which various marine biologists will be making the case for why their preferred cephalopod should reign supreme. I am very much looking forward to it!

        1. culture24rosie +5

          Ah, it’s not me but the city of Brighton that’s cool – and the Science Festival event-programming team! In 8 years of living here, I’ve never visited the Sealife Centre before but this has lured me in. I shall report back.

          1. bookwormV +3

            I have been to the Brighton Sealife Centre and had no idea about the Tentacular Spectacular! So disappointed. (Weirdly, I am going to the London Sealife Centre tomorrow; I will try to decide which cephalopod there is the best.)

    9. ectocool +4

      Monday is a normal day off for me, so I’m enjoying some discounted Valentine’s candy and watching old Flavor of Love clips on youtube. I’ll probably be asking you the same thing when I have to work Saturday!

  8. Ethylbenzene +16

    Ugh Toastfriends, we got home late-ish last night and spouse wanted to toss in a load of laundry. I said I’d wait up to put it in the dryer. Our washer/dryer setup is in the back corner of the house in the kitchen, against the back wall. About ten minutes later I hear a Very Weird Noise. I come in and there’s water spewing forth from the back of the washer all over the floor! My guess is that the drain froze and backed up with the polar vortex weather we’ve been having. I let my landlady know but I don’t know if there’s anything else to be done aside from wait for temperatures to increase. Spouse unfortunately not only had to work today but he had to get there super super early, so cleaning up dirty water at midnight wasn’t his original plan.

    1. Heathered +3

      That is horrible. If you need short-term solutions, though, check the responses to my question about washing and drying on Friday. Much wisdom to be found there, but really I just hope they get it (the washer and weather both) repaired ASAP.

  9. annabel +26

    OK, is that an old photo? Sansa looks smaller than in pictures from this past week, especially in comparison with that child. A few days ago she was practically overpowering some gentleman.

  10. thebellewitch +23

    That is a cute pair o’ baby-and-dog up there. Speaking of dogs, I have always been a big dog person, but I met a very jaunty cairn terrier this weekend and was nearly swayed to the ways of smallish dogs.

    Tell me your favorite dog breeds, and why, with pictures if possible. Mutts & mixes welcome, as well all know that mutts & mixes are awesome.

    1. thebellewitch +18

      Me, I grew up with labs, and they’re hard to beat. But a friend has a Newfoundland and that dog is increeeedible. It’s like living with an especially furry elephant.

      1. houblonchouffe +10

        I, too, grew up with Labs. My dad is going to be getting his sixth Lab this spring, hopefully–he is a hunting type, so his dogs are trained exceptionally well, and it’s a pleasure to be around them. Unfortunately (?) it’s also skewed my expectations of dog behavior, and I have a very low tolerance threshold for dogs who are not good citizens. In some ways that’s a shame, because it’s kept me from fully loving some great dogs who just didn’t have that kind of training.

        1. thebellewitch +7

          Our first family lab was a saint among dogs, and my mom devoted a ton of time to training her. It definitely skewed my view of how well-behaved dogs are too, because I was a kid and didn’t quite grasp all the work that went into it. It was a wake-up call when I got a dog as an adult and realized that it’s actually hard to maintain that level of good manners (I certainly failed). And it makes me a little sad because I just don’t have that kind of time and energy right now, so I don’t know if and when I ever will get another dog!

        2. RoseCamelia +14

          You’ll want to avoid the more willful breeds. Even with exceptionally good training, obedience is a pleasant surprise if the dog was bred to work independently. I have had 2 retired show dogs of the willful variety. Show dogs are trained better than any other dog other than service animals. But my beloved little jerks consider all commands optional, maybe later, when they’re in the mood, or when it coincides with their own plans. Retrievers, on the other hand, live to please.

          1. houblonchouffe +13

            No joke, I will probably never own a dog, at least partially because I’m not going to have the time and energy to devote to that level of training anytime in the foreseeable future. I am perfectly content as a Cat Person. If that changes in the future, it’s going to be some giant square-headed creature that likes the quiet life.

          2. Unreadaethel +13

            I am a Cat Person, and am therefore the *worst* at maintaining and reinforcing training-type behaviors with other people’s dogs. I just assume that obedience is only going to happen if an animal’s goals align with my goals in that moment, so I don’t demand or expect good behavior.

          3. sneepsnake +8

            I have a ridgeback. One of the hallmarks of the breed’s temperament is “strong-willed.” (I am not even kidding.) Even with lots of formal training when he was a puppy and daily reinforcements for the entire almost 10 years that we’ve had him, his compliance rate with commands is roughly nil. He knows damn well what you’re asking him to do, but most of the time he’d rather just give me a fuck-you look and do his own thing, and maybe get around to it later if he feels like it. He’s not even food-motivated, the little bastard. But he’s whip-smart (another characteristic of the breed) and a complete sweetie and I love him to pieces.

          4. RoseCamelia +6

            I know, right? My strong willed little shits will look right at me, make eye contact and hold it. They’re saying, “See? I heard you. Look in my eyes. You can see I understand. And my answer is NO.” Then they walk away, at a leisurely pace, stopping to look over a shoulder to see if the implied Fuck You has had effect on my posture.

            And yes, they are sweethearts otherwise and I love them to pieces too. The little assholes.

            Every time we want to add a dog to the pack, I beg Mr Rose to consider a mutt. One that *wants* to please us. Wouldn’t that be so much easier? Mr Rose says we always get adult dogs from rescue because we believe in providing for dogs in need of a good home. And he says willful dogs need us more than others do. Do I want those willful dogs to go to homes that don’t understand them as well as we do, into homes where their willfulness might be punished, where they might be abused? That’s when I give in and get yet another strong willed, lovable little shit.

    2. SmrtCookie +10

      I grew up with a great springer spaniel who was a runt and liked to chew on rocks. My grandpa had a collie and that dog was the best dog ever. She looked just like Lassie and was super smart and knew tons of tricks but was so cuddly. I should not get a dog but if a collie popped up at my local shelter I would probably not be able to resist.

    3. PRockette +8

      I had a Korean Jindo for 13 years and he stole my heart. I have no idea how to link pictures, but here’s a link to Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Korean_Jindo

      Buster was red and looked a lot like a slightly larger Shiba Inu. He was difficult and not even a little bit a proper dog, but I loved him so much. My sister said he was basically a cat in a dog suit, or possibly an alien disguised as a dog.

      I would get another one in a second if I could, but they’re pretty rare in Canada. We got him at a shelter, so it’s not as if we set out to get a pure bred dog. We thought his breed was made up until we did some research and realized, no, he was definitely a jindo. Unfortunately, I have cats now and jindos and cats don’t mix. Jindos have an insane prey drive. I’ve had hunting dogs and I’ve never seen a dog with a prey drive like a jindo. Buster used to chase leaves that were blowing down the street.

      Our current dog is a lab/akita mix and a total sweetheart who lets the cats rule over her. She’s not very smart, but she loves everyone.

    4. merrite +14

      I am extremely pro-terrier. Our late family pup was a cairn terrier/Jack Russell mix and he was such a kind little weirdo.

      Also I once fostered a beagle/dachshund mix puppy who was truly too pure and sweet for this world. He was also the dumbest dog I’ve ever met, but he managed to get by on his good looks.

      1. geekcrackteam +26

        Terriers are the best! They’re so smart and fun.

        Although the hunting instinct in them is so strong, that they are kind of assholes. and the yapping. God do I hate the yapping.

        My favourite terriers have always been working dogs, when they have a job and are independant, Jack Russells are the best dogs. I had one who was the smartest, proudest dog I ever met, Tinker, she was Head Ratter in the yard, and her partner in crime was Head of Security, Winston. Winston was a chocolate lab of the ‘lights on, nobody home’ variety, he was awesome and the best guard dog anyone could ever have asked for, but Tinker was very much the brains of the operation. She had Winston whipped.

        They shared a bed in the barn, and if Winston was asleep, Tinker would happily jump in on top of him; but if Tinker was asleep in the bed (usually under a blanket so you didn’t know she was there), poor Winston would tie himself in knots trying to get into bed without disturbing her. And if he got it wrong, you’d just here the biggest growl come from within the depths of the pile of blankets.

        Tinker also refused to be carried, it was undignified in her eyes. She would allow you to be her platform, by standing perfectly on your hands, but this is in no way the same as being carried.

        ETA: I found a picture! Here we see a Winston who has just tackled me into the snow (We may have *accidently* taught the very large dog to rugby tackle people.) and Tinker proudly claiming her catch.

        1. RoseCamelia +11

          Refused to be carried. Too dignified for that. I love it! What a fantastic dog. And I know exactly what you mean about the standing on your hands as a platform. Humans are properly her pedestals. Food-providing pedestals.

          1. geekcrackteam +8

            She wasn’t even super food-orientated. I honestly think if all the people disappeared, Tinker wouldn’t even notice.

            After awhile, she might wonder why she hasn’t gotten to go for a drive in the jeep recently (where she had her own seat, and sometimes we’d let her drive…. Farm dogs are the best.), but then she’d just go back to hunting mice in the muck heap and forget we ever existed.

      2. tiny_bookbot +8

        Terriers! I have a yorkie/schnauzer/something mix who is a snuggly, lazy darling. She adores people and is also a great walking/hiking buddy. I’m such a convert.

        (Really, though, mutts forever.)

        1. cgrimann +5

          I love terriers. I currently have a Westie named Elvis and I adore him. He’s super affectionate, smart, and passionate about motor vehicles and running. In the Fall he’ll nudge leaves over his kibble bowl so the birds won’t steal his food. He’s also the Chief Squirrel and Rabbit Enforcer, keeping the peace and occasionally getting into high speed chases with squirrels and rabbits.
          Growing up I had a Llasha Apso Terrier mix named Victoria and she was the sweetest thing. Some of my favorite memories of her include reading to her on the grass in the backyard. Mostly fantasy stuff. She was a great listener. She also really liked kumquats for some reason… I miss her.

    5. katiedid91 +12

      Great Danes are big dumb saints <3 They’re sweet and lazy, and therefore great for apartments. And, unfortunately, they often end up in rescues. They do take dumps like a human, though, so I don’t recommend adopting a puppy unless you have a lot of land to potty train him/her on.

      I also love terriers, especially the mixes. They’re loyal and fairly smart and soooooo cuddly (at least the pit mixes and little furry guys I’ve met are). And not to sound like a disgusting broken record, but… their poops are smaller.

      1. ladyimogen +17

        My parents had a Great Dane who looked after me until he passed on at the ripe old age of 12. He let 3-year old me walk him on a piece of kite string, and slept under my crib when I was a baby, and wore a party hat at birthdays, and hid underneath the very low coffee table when there was thunder. It took my dad 20 years to get over his loss.

    6. chiaroscuromom +22

      This story seems appropriate here: http://ripeningjoywordpress.org/2016/02/09/seamus…

      Our beloved Very Old Puggle who passed away last month was a champion weekend companion for reading, and binge-watching Netflix:

      We also have a corgi/schipperke mix who is full of energy and likes to herd whatever is available for herding. He sees the teens off to school each morning.

        1. chiaroscuromom +6

          Oh my goodness, yes.

          The first year he came to live with us, the kids were pretty little. One spring morning he VERY PROUDLY brought me a small, lifeless warm body. And of course the kids saw it and wanted to know what it was. I wasn’t entirely sure, but thinking fast I said “A mouse! Let’s put it in the trash in the garage.”

          It took me a couple of days to realize that he had found a rabbit nest and was bringing me a new one every morning. Sometimes without heads. 🙁

          The rabbits have been more mindful about where they’ve made their nests since then, so there haven’t been any more gifts.

      1. gripyfish +9

        Aw, now I’m thinking about the golden retriever my childhood babysitter had. Her name was Dusty, and she was the best. I spent lots of afternoons as a kid sitting in my babysitter’s backyard, just chilling with Dusty and reading a book (sometimes aloud to her; she was a very good listener).

    8. elsajeni +10

      I grew up with (sort of — she was my aunt’s dog, but they lived just down the block from us) a lab/chow mix, Cassie, who I firmly believe was the Best Dog that has Ever Dogged. In appearance and temperament she was 90-95% lab, but she had the purpley-colored chow tongue and a curly tail, and also a serene dignity that I don’t really associate with labs so maybe that was her chow heritage as well. She pretty much sold me on lab mixes for life.

      1. elsajeni +8

        (That said, although Cassie was a dignified and polite dog, most of my favorite dogs are the type who mean really well but do not necessarily achieve 100% Good Dog status, often because they Love Too Hard or make too much noise or are otherwise overenthusiastic weirdos. I identify with them.)

        1. Abracadanielle +10

          Good But Not Ideal Dogs are the best! I have, shall we say, ~encouraged~ Keaton to jump on my spouse when he’s sleeping. And he probably barks more than he should because I like to exclaim “What is it, boy? Is it haters?!” and watch him do a little “protecting the house” dance.

          Maybe he’s more of a Good Dog with a Dirtbag Trainer.

      2. Abracadanielle +7

        Lab/Chow! (Chlab? Low?) I have one of those and he is so good at being a dog! Lab doofiness and affability combined with Chow fluff and a bit of an independent streak.

        And a magnificently plumed tail:

        At dog daycare, he has a little clique of black lab mutts who look more or less alike, and it’s adorable.

      1. RoseCamelia +14

        There’s a basset named Daisy at my local dog park. She is the park ambassador. She goes to every human soon after they arrive and insists each human bend down and pet her. She will pester you until you give her her due. Then she’s off to the next human.

    10. Apfelmoose +17

      I am small furry dogs all the way.

      My favourite dog breed is a cross between a Moustache Dog (Schnauzer, Border Terrier etc.) and a Dora The Explorer Dog (Shih Tzu, Lhasa Apso etc), preferably with an underbite and the ability to snort like a pug to express excitement or disapproval. That’s why I adopted this lady:

      Image and video hosting by TinyPic

      I really like combing and brushing hair, so she is ideal. I also like that, thanks to her terrier ancestors, she can walk for ages without getting tired, but is still super chilled indoors.

      My folks got a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel after I moved out and he was my gateway dog from being a cat person to becoming a dog person:

      Image and video hosting by TinyPic

      He is basically a cat, though.

    11. grumblyqueer +13

      Golden Retrievers are, naturally, the fluffiest and sweetest dogs on the planet, but I also like Greyhounds. They’re very sleek and majestic, but also super chill. They only need a 5-min jog a day and then they’re happy to lie around for hours. Perfect apartment dogs.

      1. thebellewitch +4

        I have thought hard about a greyhound. My SIL & BIL have one, and they are not the most active dog-owner types. If they can keep a greyhound happy, I probably can too.

      2. VaguelyDownward +1

        I grew up with Goldens, who were all joyful, loyal, and stupid in the best possible way, but when I can afford to get a dog of my own I’m planning for a greyhound. Couch potato dogs for life.

    12. hapsatou +18

      My dream dog would be a Hungarian puli because they look like goofy sentient mops and are a delight!

    13. ladyimogen +21

      Shepherd-Husky mixes are a thing where I live, and I am now firmly of the opinion that it is a miracle mix that combines all the steady responsibility and loyalty of German Shepherds with the occasional playfulness and athleticism of huskies, and seems to bypass dysplasia issues:


    14. ladyimogen +11

      Another common mutt-type here is generally referred to as a Village Mix, because they’re common in the villages- some mysterious combination of husky, retriever, and who knows what else. They love to run, and cuddle, and fetch, but require a ton of exercise:

      “

    15. naglayaxuliganka +7

      Grew up with a beagledor who was basically a 70-pound lab-shaped animal with the markings, eyes, and temperament of a beagle. I thought he was the best dog in the world, although he was a *bit* naughty.

      While recently at home over the holidays, a friend who knew him had the nerve to tell my husband (who grew up in a farming area and believes in well-behaved, outdoor only dogs) that he was actually an extremely poorly trained dog that people didn’t love because of the jumping. I was shocked (okay not totally) and now my husband is very skeptical about any memories of my wonderful, snuggly, food-stealing mutt.

    18. OoTheHumanities +1

      If anyone is still following this thread, just stopped by to say if you want a well-trained dog you can sometimes adopt a service-dog-dropout – super well trained, just not well enough to be an actual assistance dog. An old friend got a great chocolate lab that way.

  11. SmrtCookie +32

    Grrr federal holidays. I’m a non-fed who works in a fed building so there are only a handful of us around, and we’re mostly hoping to switch to fed jobs eventually. It’s like salt in the wound- not only do we get paid less and we don’t get pensions, we also have to work today.

    It was so cold this weekend I didn’t leave my house even once. Instead I did a ton of quilting and reading. Please tell me about your favorite audio books as I have a lot more quilting to do and audiobooks are great for quilting!

    2. Somebody +3

      Audiobooks! Any of Bujold’s Vorkosigan books are great out loud. Also, Defoe’s Moll Flanders is a lot more listen-able than read-able so it’s fun if you want some 18th century flavor with your quilting. For nonfiction, I really enjoyed Consider The Fork about the history of cooking and kitchens.

      1. SmrtCookie +4

        Thank you! Narrators make it or break it for me, I hate it when I’m super interested in the book but can’t stand the narrator.

    4. Strophoria +2

      I really enjoyed the Welcome to Night Vale novel as an audiobook. I’ve also been listening to Sense & Sensibility, but I’m not sure if I am following it – I might need to read it to really get the plot, but the narrators voice is lovely. And I always recommend Robyn Davidson’s Tracks, its one of my favourite books and the audio version is perfect.

    5. quotidianc +1

      I mentioned this in the last open thread, but my top 3 audiobooks are Anansi Boys read by Lenny Henry, Code Name Verity and On The Jellicoe Road – all excellent stories, narrators and production values.

      Other audiobooks I recommend include Genevieve Valentine’s Persona, MC Beaton’s Agatha Raisin series narrated by Penelope Keith, Mira Grant’s Newsflesh series, Mary Robinette Kowal’s Glamour series, Emma Newman’s Split World series and The Secret Diary of Lizzie Bennett. Also David Attenborough’s autobiography – it’s very long and is episodic, so I dipped in and out of it, but it was an entertaining and soothing listen.

      I’m also a fan of Big Finish, who do mostly Dr Who and related audio plays. Their range is a bit overwhelming, so I can suggest some starting points if anyone’s interested. And finally, I’m enjoying Tremontaine, a serialized story from SerialBox.

  12. Chance_Hale +32

    Hail, Caesar! thread? I saw it this weekend and can cheerfully say that it didn’t strike me as A Brilliant, Earth-Bestriding Coen Brothers Masterpiece, which is theoretically disappointing because most of their films are, but in practice it was a great damn time at the movies so nuts to all that. Scarlett Johansson and Channing Tatum were particularly delightful.

    1. halloweenjack64 +8

      Yeah, it was… OK? Kind of a tribute to Old Hollywood, I guess, and mindful of how much work went on behind to scenes to keep scandals down, and how much the scandalmongers were part of that ecosystem. Kind of bothered by how the Hollywood Ten and the blacklist got turned into a goofy Commie crew. Still, though, everybody was great. (One thing I didn’t realize until the credits: that kidnapper who played the guy with the lyre? Wayne Knight, sans glasses.)

      P.S. I should mention that I saw this right after Deadpool, so that may have flavored things a bit.

      1. JauntyGhost +14

        I. LOVED. IT. But I work in the industry and have always loved anything that lovingly skewers how weird and awful it can be.

        I loved that each little side story was interesting enough for me to want to watch a whole movie of it.

        I finally understand loving Channing Tatum!

        TILDA!!!

        I do understand how as a Coen Bros. film some people didn’t enjoy it but I don’t care! Would watch again!

        1. Ivans_Sister +16

          Ha! I acknowledge that Channing Tatum is attractive, but he is Not My Type. However, it turns out that Channing Tatum dressed as an old timey sailor Definitely IS My Type. That was my favorite part of the movie, that otherwise I felt rather “meh” about.

          Clooney did have some good legs in that getup.

        2. 1nm +17

          Each little side story was a) about some now-neglected old movie genre and b) plotted just like yet another now-neglected old movie genre. I was so gleeful! But especially the sailors dancing–all I could think was how happy the choreographer must have been to have the chance to put that together.

        3. coloredlights +10

          I also work in the industry (well, a very similar one) and my favorite thing was that the main character essentially had my job! It is a job that very few people know exist, especially if they are not in entertainment, and I really really enjoyed seeing a movie that acknowledged its (and my) existence. I also really liked the way it portrayed the actors! It was very accurate to my experience of people with particular talents.

          Mostly I thought it was a fun piece of fluff, but I know nothing about the Coen Bros as a genre, so I had nothing to which to compare it.

    2. blueblazes11 +29

      Yes, i walked out at the end telling my husband, “not my favorite Coen brothers movie, but if it kep going for another 8 hours, I would have stayed.” Channing STOLE the movie.

      1. Chance_Hale +41

        I would watch 8 hours just of Cowboy Guy & Carmen Shmiranda going on dates. He teaches her to yodel, she teaches him to samba. A beautiful friendship blossoms.

        3. blueblazes11 +3

          And I love that he ended up being the smartest guy in the movie. It was fun to see them turn that Southern accent = dumb stereotype on its head as he charmed the girl and solved the crime.

    4. RamekinRamekin +10

      I really enjoyed it; I found it to be a lot of fun, with some great dance routines and stunts and quirky Coen-brother plot elements. I did not realize that Channing Tatum could dance so well, but I don’t get out much.

      1. JauntyGhost +19

        He said in an interview that he didn’t know how to tap dance before this role. Which makes me like him even more.

      2. Ms__M +15

        Oh, would you like to see more of Channing Tatum dancing? I recommend Magic Mike and Magic Mike XXL.

    5. tiny_bookbot +20

      This is how I felt. It was not MOMENTOUS, but it was still super fun, so I can’t be mad. If you’re going to make something that’s a bit slight, by all means, have it impeccably crafted and stuffed with actors who know exactly what they’re doing (and who thought ScarJo and Channing Tatum would one day fall into that category? nice job, you two!).

    6. gripyfish +8

      I also saw it this weekend, and it was exactly the kind of movie I needed even if I didn’t know it when I was going into the theatre (if that makes sense). It was bananas, and I loved it.

      Also, I understand why my mother adores Channing Tatum now.

    7. ksek +27

      You know that thing where people got legit(?) depressed after Avatar because they would never be able to live in the Avatar universe?

      That’s kinda me right now about how I’ll never live in that amazing mid-century Commie house.

    8. amoderngirl +7

      I saw it with some friends last week at a theater that will bring you food and drinks while you watch the movie, so I got to soak in Channing Tatum tap-dancing while enjoying pizza and a cocktail. I knew absolutely nothing about it going in except that it was directed by the Coen Brothers (so basically I knew not to expect a plot) and I LOVED IT. I love “fixer” characters and old Hollywood and it kind of reinvigorated my interest in the latter, so I have spent a lot of time this week doing things like reading Hedda Hopper’s Wikipedia page. (Highly recommended.)

      Alden Ehrenreich as the singing cowboy was all we could talk about afterwards. The whole theater totally lost it at the scene where he’s directed to give a “mirthless chuckle.”

      1. aiquale +8

        “Would that it were.”

        Who knew that such a simple phrase could have me crying with laughter? Alden Ehrenreich and Ralph Finnes’ comedic timing was flawless in that scene.

    9. fcjaugusta +4

      I’m looking forward to seeing it. “Delightful” is probably the most commonly used word I’ve seen in people’s reactions to it, so I don’t really care whether it’s also Brilliant.

  13. angrypedestrian +68

    My partner’s mother passed away last week, and I just got home last night. I feel awful because they have to sit shiva through next Wednesday, and I can’t be there for all of it because I have to work, but on the other hand, I’m grateful I have today off so that I can decompress a little before I have to go back tomorrow to my mountain of inane tasks that someone definitely could have done while I was away.

    Death fucking sucks, y’all. Although, in a moment of lightheartedness, when the news broke that Scalia died, my partner’s immediate reaction was “Thanks, mom!”

    3. Räven +58

      I must remember, at the moment of death, to grab someone *awful* and drag them with me out of this life.

    4. parlato1973 +1

      my partner’s mother passed away last month. it’s a hard situation, because you know losing a parent is one of the most difficult things, and all you can do is try to be there for them and field the many moods of grief. i just try to make sure we have good food and just enough friends around.

      death definitely sucks, but i’m with you on not missing scalia.

  14. CordeliaFitz +16

    Last February, my university had an entire week where classes were cancelled due to snow/cold. Two of the days it was probably prudent, but three of the days were silly calls by the administration.
    It snowed all day yesterday, and my girlfriend and I were so sure we would have a snow day, but here I am, sitting in class 🙁
    We wore our pjs inside out and backwards, flushed ice cubes, and put spoons under the pillow. What snow day superstitions did we miss???

    1. danceintrees +10

      You have to use the spoon to stir hot chocolate first before you put it under your pillow. 🙁

      1. CordeliaFitz +4

        That must be where we went wrong! I’ll file that away for future use though – thank you.

    2. arachnidette +5

      I think you got the ritual right, but maybe my snow spirits were easy to please? You can always try making paper snowflakes. It might be just the right bit of encouragement to make that snow day happen!

      We were supposed to get some ice here in The South until they changed the forecast. Now we may get sleet or just cold rain. They shut down for very little so I was hopeful I could spend today in my pajams.

  15. Theodora? +7

    Does anyone have any good Women’s History book recommendations? I’m preparing for March and have a lot of biographies I want to read but not really any general history.

    Some of my favorites are:
    Cooking in Other Women’s Kitchens
    Cheap Amusements
    Mothers in the Fatherland

    1. tiny_bookbot +6

      Liar, Temptress, Soldier, Spy looks suuuuuuper interesting and I’ve been wanting to read it for a while.

      If you just want to read something by a really first-rate female historian, Anne Applebaum is just terrific (specializes in Cold War European history, I can’t stress enough how intelligent and readable her work is).

      1. actualmeg +1

        Liar, Temptress, Soldier, Spy is great and highly recommended! I also like Karen Abbott’s other stuff (Sin in the Second City and American Rose).

    2. ellensemple +4

      If you like books about cooking and turn-of-the-century ladies, I recommend Perfection Salad! Also in that vein, Making Time: Lillian Moller Gilbreth– A Life Beyond Cheaper by the Dozen, and More Work for Mother.

    3. Benna +4

      Second the rec for Ruth S Cohen’s More Work for Mother – a great run through all the ways “labour-saving” devices have created more labour, invention after invention.

      Also Elizabeth Wayland Barber’s Women’s Work – The First 20,000 Years. It’s a readable history of weaving, based on her academic doorstopper Prehistoric Textiles. And the woman can write! The chapter in which she reconstructs one of the oldest woman’s outfits to have survived – *and tells you exactly how it feels to wear it*: do not miss this.

    4. hawthorn_tree +2

      Women Who Kill! It’s such a great overview of women and the justice system in the United States.

    5. quotidianc +3

      I’m not sure this is quite what you’re looking for, but two relevant books I own but haven’t actually read yet are:
      – A Passion for Science: Stories of Discovery and Invention, a series of essays on women who did interesting STEM related things from Ada Lovelace day a couple of years ago
      – Cranky Ladies of History, an anthology of fictional stories about real historical women

    6. ancientdame +1

      Based on your favorites, I would recommend Ladies of Labor, Girl of Adventure, by Nan Enstad – it’s about Progressive Era working class women and the interaction of consumer culture and politics. Also, Anna Krylova’s Soviet Women in Combat, about women combatants in WWII. Such a fascinating, excellent book. (Both of these might get a little theory heavy at times, but my dad read Soviet Women in Combat for fun when I left my copy at his house so it has broader appeal.)

      If you haven’t already read it, A Midwife’s Tale would also be an excellent choice, if you are interested in early American women.

      1. ancientdame +1

        You might also consider Susan Smith’s Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired, a great book about Black women’s health activism in the first half of the 20th century. Also, if you were looking for something medieval, Secrets of Women by Katharine Park, which is a beautifully written as well as fascinating history of anatomy and dissection of women’s bodies.

        Enjoy reading!

    7. Thulcandran

      Ooh! Ooh! Disorderly Conduct, by Carroll Smith-Rosenberg! And if you want a GREAT anthology of Gender History, Sylvia D. Hoffert’s A History of Gender in America is also a great guide.

      (it took me like two minutes to find Sylvia D Hoffert’s name in one of my own papers, because DOMINIC FROM 302 STILL HAS MY COPY, DAMN YOUR EYES)

  16. LacaunaKale +20

    Advice for telling parents about tattoos?
    I have a small back piece that my Dad already knows about, and at least pretended to be fine with. But since then I’ve also got one on my inner arm, which neither of them have seen. And we’re all going on a family trip in a few months. i fee like just showing up at the airport in short sleeves isn’t the wqy to go

    1. deleted7541601 +11

      Can’t help – my mom still doesn’t know about my multiple tattoos. The reveal should be interesting.

      1. illyria83 +3

        Ha, same! I have two, one on my right hip and one on my back. I got the first at 27 and the second at 29. I’m nearly 33 now and honestly forget about it half the time. The only way they’d ever know is if I was around them in a bathing suit or low-back dress/shirt or camisole or strapless something or other. <shrugs> Every single other person in my life knows…

    2. angrypedestrian +16

      My partner does this thing where she gets tattoos, and then afterwards tells her parents she’s getting more tattoos at some future point, so they have time to acclimate to the idea of there being more tattoos, and then wears long sleeves/pants/whatever until she actually decides to tell them she got tattoos. It’s not a super great system in my mind, but it seems to have worked for her so far.

      1. Janesy +18

        Yeah, I lean toward this response as well. My parents knew when I got my tattoos and I guess I presented it to them as something they didn’t have a say in – that I didn’t really care if they liked it or didn’t like or approved/disapproved. But I was close to 30 by the time I got my first one, so…

        I think the less fuss made about it, the better. Don’t go in ready to brawl over it at the drop of a hat – maybe try to be breezy about it, if it’s even noticed at all.

      2. Xolandra +23

        Ditto – my folks don’t care (i think? It… is nvery much Not Up For Discussion), but my dad’s mother does. Every time I see her I just… have new tats. She doesn’t bring it up beyond the “I will never understand why…” comments that she makes when she does not like a thing but does not actively want to disapprove of her other’s life decisions. Like the battle for marriage equality. (it was pretty great, really, she started with “I will never understand” and I was waiting for some basic homophobic crap that I was going to have to fight with her about and she ended with “why they want access to marriage: it is a terrible institution”)

        More largely: what are they going to do, insist you get it sandblasted off? Once it’s there, it’s there… that’s… how it is with tattoos.

          1. Xolandra +11

            Haha, absosmurfly. I was just pleased to not have to have the marriage not civil union conversation. And since it was a sidebar in our conversation (she was correcting my use of “son mari” until I explained that no, my male friend had married a man) and that is as far as it went, I’m still counting it as a win for my bonnemaman 😉

      3. LadyPoopjokes +18

        I definitely tried to hide my brand new chest tattoo from my parents when they came to visit but misjudged my neckline and went out to dinner with a bird face peeking out of my shirt. It went okay.

    4. Ethylbenzene +11

      My mom saw mine when we were shopping for bridesmaid dresses for my sister’s wedding and I thought she would have more to say but frankly she was in mid-wedding planning mode and had other things to worry about and it just blew over. The next two I posted about on Facebook and she never mentioned anything about it either way.

      My spouse’s mom was less cool about his first one (she sadly didn’t live to see any others), which she saw when we all went to the beach together. He told her shortly before we headed out to the beach and she was a little “but why would you want to do that to yourself,” but he just did the whole “boring repetitive answer that doesn’t engage” thing. “I got them because I like them” was his go-to, without engaging in the whole question of whether tattoos are dangerous or indicative of a mental health issue or whatever other weird-ass misconceptions she held.

    5. geekcrackteam +10

      This time I’m waiting until its all healed and done and then I’ll show my mother. I’m a ‘Proper Adult’ now (her words), so I imagine she’ll be fine with it. As a teen who frequently got illegal tattoos, I generally just hid them from her until an accidental reveal, she’d be a bit upset and then get over it. When i got my last one at 18, I showed her later that day, but didn’t tell her about it before-hand. She was a bit shocked, and I think a bit grossed out, but she got over it.

      Without sounding too much like a petulant teen, what can you parents do? I’m presuming your at least adult adjacent (18+) at this point, so its not like they’ll ground you. They might have a bit of a grumble about it, but in the end it’s your body and and its done now, so *shrug*. Get it over with, let them have their moment (if that’s what they’re like, they might be fine with it) and then move on with your holiday.

    7. coloredlights +5

      HAHAHA are you me?

      I have 5 tattoos and my parents have seen 3 of them. They can mostly pretend the two on my torso don’t exist, and my mother acts shocked by the one on my wrist every time she sees it. I got one on the other wrist and one on my inner bicep in the past 6 months and have been chickening out and wearing long sleeves every time I’m around family. They’ll see them at some point and it will be awkward and they’ll act very long-suffering about it, but GUESS WHAT I am a grownup and it is my body.

      That’s not really advice, but anyway I sympathize.

    8. spygrl1 +7

      I got my lower back tattoo in my mid-20s and never mentioned it to my parents because … none of their business. It revealed itself when I was in the hospital for a major abdominal surgery. I was sedated at the time, but apparently my mom assumed it was a mark the hospital had made (like an X marks the spot) and my then-boyfriend had to tell her it was a tattoo. That’s probably the most useful thing that boyfriend ever did for me.

    9. Lena +4

      (I did this… several times, with tattoos and hair colors.) I always told my parents while I was a plane ride away several months before they next saw me. That way they got their freaking out done when I could easily hang up the phone, and they were generally fine once I finally saw them in person.

  17. walteredwardgo +32

    Praise be to the Patron Saint of Toast*! I know I was sitting in Last Week’s OT wishing for Holiday Content but I didn’t expect my prayers to be answered! Huzzah!
    *There are three RC patrons of bakers, but none of them were put to death by burning, so none of them is really a patron of toast.

  18. anxious_mofo +45

    The ongoing saga of citizens being confused about what part of the government libraries fall under: unending stream of phone calls asking if we’re open.

    1. saralibrary +30

      When they ask if we’re open, after I’ve done my little spiel (Blah Blah Library, this is saralibrary, how can I help you), I really want to say, “No, I’m just here answering the phone for fun.”

      But I don’t, because I’m a professional. 😉

      1. anxious_mofo +28

        We’re trying to decide whether, since everyone thinks we’re closed, we can just stop answering the phones.

      2. freshwaterpearl +33

        Ours are closed too. I would totally be that person who called to see if the library is open, realized once someone answered the phone that yes they must be at work today, but then didn’t know what else to say so I went ahead and asked the question. (Except in reality I would check the website.)

          1. freshwaterpearl +24

            This reminds me of the first time I ordered a pizza, and the Domino’s guy answered the phone and I said “I’d….like to order a pizza,” and felt like the most awkward person in the world because why on earth else would I be calling.

          2. sarawr +13

            Me, every time I call a food place: “Can I place an order?” So awful, yet how else do you open that particular interaction? Why can’t they answer the phone by acknowledging that you are calling to order? Don’t put the onus on me, Food Places of the World!

          4. tinypaperme +4

            I would totally laugh my ass off if any restaurant asked me this either on the phone or in person.

          5. MaladyDee +13

            Oh man. I work in a call center. I promise, you didn’t even make that person’s top ten awkward calls THAT DAY.

          6. freshwaterpearl +5

            I believe you, and I wish I could have realized that as a teenager who haaaaated using the phone.

        2. VioletandIrises +5

          I’ve made the are-they-open-today call and once someone picked up I said “Oh I was checking to see if you’re open and clearly you are, so bye!”

    2. thebellewitch +15

      To further confound the issue, our city libraries are closed today! I think they scheduled some sort of network-wide computer upgrade to coincide with the holiday. That will probably not help ease the confusion in future years.

    3. kilks401 +13

      My library is closed most national holidays, except for today and Columbus Day. I have trouble keeping track of which we are open and which we are closed for, and I work here.

      1. anxious_mofo +6

        Yeah, I’m honestly not sure how our system decides when to be open? We were closed for MLK Day.

    4. SmrtCookie +5

      My federal building is closed but the handful of non-feds are still working. The repair guy who intercepted me as I was coming in this morning was very confused and upset that I couldn’t let him in.

    6. Räven +7

      I didn’t even know the library could be open on a national holiday! Ours take all holidays including today and Veterans Day.

      1. tinypaperme +6

        I misread that as “Valentine’s Day” and was like, WOW, that is one celebratory library.

    7. depizan +6

      I live on the border of two counties. One county’s library system is completely closed today. in the other county’s system, half of the libraries are closed, the other half are open, and then their courier system between the libraries is off…..so nobody really knows what’s going on over there.

  19. lilsebastian01 +6

    Talking about eating and eating disorders in this thread, proceed at your own comfort level.

    1. lilsebastian01 +9

      Is anyone else picky to the point of an eating disorder? I have been extremely picky my whole life (due to a lot of childhood things + a tongue that hates all bitter flavors) and recently realized with the help of my regular therapist that I would probably benefit from more targeted eating disorder therapy. It sounds ridiculous even to me but trying to eat “hard” foods (mostly vegetables but also seafood, certain textures, something I liked one day but tried to eat too many days in a row) makes me incredibly avoidant and sometimes pushes me to the point of tears (and often to the point of gagging) if I try to make myself eat it. The eating disorder treatment is really hard but I think will be good, but I was just wondering if anyone else felt this way.

      1. Ethylbenzene +13

        I want to say first that that sounds incredibly hard and like no fun at all for you 🙁

        I don’t have pickiness issues but my food fixations do cause me distress and seem to migrate — as soon as I get ok with calories and stop restricting, then I fixate on morality (organic, local, fair trade), then when I manage to talk myself out of that the fixation goes to optimizing grocery budgets. I’ve never even told my therapist about it, actually, and now I’m thinking about why that is. Because I’m sure that I shouldn’t be driven to tears in the middle of the grocery store because the store is out of the cheapest brand of tortillas and I have to spend like an extra $1 for the other brand.

        1. lilsebastian01 +24

          That sounds awful. I’m sorry. When I finally talked to my regular therapist about it, I was kind of surprised that she didn’t already know? Like it’s so obviously a huge part of my life and problem — how could she not know? But it turns out if you don’t say things your therapist doesn’t know? What’s that about?

          1. Ethylbenzene +9

            Why are people not mind readers, sheesh! My spouse knows about these issues at least, but it’s very, VERY hard to talk about even though it feels like it’s the undercurrent of everything I do….

          2. cea765 +3

            I feel like my eating is the undercurrent of everything I do too, and I can’t imagine what life would be if it weren’t. But I wish I could.

      2. Xolandra +4

        I’ve been having a lot of anxiety lately, which has been exacerbating my own texture issues. Like, food that I normally enjoy gets stuck in my throat and my esophagus is like that lovely little octopus .gif running away with the nopenopenope flashing across the screen, and … it is really messy sometimes.

        I recently decided to visit a therapist about this (along with some body dismorphia), so i, too, have nothing useful at this point, other than to add that you are not alone. Let us know how that works out for you?

        1. lilsebastian01 +1

          That sounds so unpleasant!! I don’t have peristalsis in the top part of my throat because of a birth defect, so I totally get that “stuck in the throat” feeling but having it combined with anxiety must be awful.

      3. Absotively +8

        I’m not all that picky, but I wanted to share a resource that has helped me with my relationship with food. I hope that’s ok.

        One of my favourite writers about food stuff, the Fat Nutritionist, wrote some stuff for adult picky eaters semi-recently. She mentions that she’s worked with adult picky eaters a lot. (There’s a couple more posts on the subject here.)

      4. starsofthesea +2

        Yup, I have this pretty badly, and I’ve been putting off dealing with it since I was a little kid (now pushing 30). I’m on the academic job market right now, and I’m dreading the possibility of getting an interview because I’d have to go to restaurants with people I’m trying to impress and I Can Not Handle That At All. I live near an eating disorder center that has someone who specializes in this, and I know that if I’d started therapy there years ago, I’d be so much better off now, but nope, I had to go and let my anxiety get in the way forever…. Lately, I’ve been trying to buy things I’ve never eaten before and attempt to get myself to at least try them (with the Fat Nutritionist post linked above as moral support), but it’s all still sitting in my freezer guilt-tripping me. :p

        Anyway, I’m glad to hear that you’re getting treatment – maybe I’ll do it someday too!

        1. nonymouse +4

          Slipping over into anonymous mode, because I have this same issue of eating in front of people I want to impress, and I mentioned it to my therapist who I have for other reasons primarily, in particular I was talking about dreading meeting my in-laws because there would be things deep in my problem foods territory, which I have no problem eating when relaxed, but just honestly can’t manage when on edge already, and she said it sounded like the perfect time to take a situational something, like a xanax or klonopin or whatever I had been prescribed. She’s not my GP or psychiatrist so she didn’t have the details there… But basically, her point was that I didn’t have to fix the problem before I’d be able to tackle those situations, because there are ways to sort of table the anxiety part of the equation without doing the longer, slower CBT type bits, which I swear I will get to eventually, but there’s just … a lot of other stuff to handle in the meanwhile. Which gave me a bit of hope about dealing with more immediate difficult situations.

          1. lilsebastian01 +2

            It feels like such a big thing!! And I really tend towards all or nothing thinking (which the therapist is helping with) so it feels like well if I can’t eat ANYTHING working on making any progress is pointless, kind of? That’s great about the idea to take a situational something. I do pretty ok with eating in front of people — I’m pretty willing to just not eat something, or leave my plate in the kitchen or something, but I tend to be around people who aren’t intense about “why didn’t you eat that.” Good luck with your in-laws!

      5. sprinkles6 +8

        Ugh, food texture. Something that really helped me is asking my friends who were familiar with what I would and wouldn’t eat suggest things that they thought I might like. That way, I could make very slow progress by trying things that friends I trusted thought were similar enough to what I already ate. I also only asked friends who would not be offended if I didn’t end up liking what they suggested, so it was a comfortable situation.

        I even like some kinds of cheese now, which I would never have believed of myself ten years ago.

        1. lilsebastian01 +3

          oh my god CONGRATS. I can eat raw bell peppers now, I feel like such a champion. It really is great to make that progress but it’s so slow and shitty and you could just eat things you like! Ughhh.

  20. Teka Lynn +55

    I spent Valentine’s weekend performing in a ballet version of Carmina Burana! I sang the whole thing from memory. I was in the chorus (singing chorus, not the corps de ballet!), and we were on risers on both sides of the stage, jutting out over the audience. Fortunately, unlike last time we did Carmina, we had actual railings, and the platforms were wider, so there was less chance of pitching into the seats if we lost our balance. Our soloists were Anton Belov, Zulimar Lopez-Hernandez, and Paul Karaitis. The dancers were brilliant. In the tavern scene on Sunday, the men were getting so enthusiastic that their cups were literally shattering as they slammed them on the tables and floor. The dancers spent the rest of the performance delicately incorporating cleanup in their choreography. Dancers rock. Costumes were GORGEOUS. Wish everyone here could have seen it.

    3. RudyRed +2

      That’s so exciting! The LGBTQ choir that I’m in is going to be performing Carmina Burana next month; a local drag queen is the head choreographer for the performance. I’m excited, but damn this is a challenging piece.

  21. Cannikin_MK3 +89

    Today is the last day with my birth name. I have the final hearing for my name change tomorrow morning. I would be excited if it wasn’t for all the awkward conversations I’m going to have to have at the office which I am dreading at the moment. Does anyone have any tips for handling name changes in professional environments, especially those that are non marriage/divorce related?

    1. hapsatou +14

      Does your company have an HR department that is accessible? Talking with someone with HR might be a good idea to not only make sure all your work place ids reflect your name change but they may be able to discreetly spread the information about the name change to those who should know without you having to have a series of one on one conversations with everyone you interact with in the office.

      Good luck!

    2. tiny_bookbot +37

      I don’t know, exactly, but I have friends who have decided to stop using a nickname, or are from a culture that has a kind of public first name and then a first name to use among friends/family. And in both cases, just a really chill, “I’ve decided to go by this now” or “We’ve known each other a long time, I’d like it if you called me this” sufficed pretty well. Habits die hard, so if you can be patient with reminding people of the change, they’ll roll with it more gracefully.

      I don’t think you have to explain any more than you want to. If you just say, “It’s been a change that’s been in the works for a while, and now that it’s official, I’d be so happy if you called me [NAME]” is gracious and clear.

    3. RoseCamelia +30

      I am happy for you! Everyone here is giving very good advice. If anyone asks why you’ve made this change (which is a rude question, but best to be prepared), tell them “Because it harms no one and it makes me happy.”

    4. Ethylbenzene +18

      A friend of mine changed his name during college and it seemed like people were more than happy to call him by his new name regardless of how they felt about it or whether they understood why he made the choice (short answer: birth family lastname was an unpleasant reminder and firstname never really fit so when he did the last name he just did the first one too). The way he seemed to approach it was to offer very little in the way of explanation, similar to the wording tiny_bookbot suggests — “I’ve decided to change my name to Tyrion so please call me that from now on.” The more matter of fact you are, the less of a big deal anyone else will be able to make of it.

    5. lemonack +10

      Be aware that you will be required to disclose the name change a billion more times, esp if you ever change jobs/get background checks. I changed mine 4 years ago from my stepfather’s surname to my father’s and hoped that would be the end of it. Instead I’m apparently required to disclose this as an “alias” on all background checks until the end of time.

    6. sneepsnake +15

      Not really advice, just a rant: I teach at a university and the official class lists only show official, legal names. This led to me inadvertently outing a trans student the first day of classes (the only day I take attendance–mostly to make sure everyone is appropriately registered). I feel horrible about this, and have alerted my university administrators. They are telling me that there is already an option for students to list a preferred name. Well, yes, there is, but that’s not helpful when the only thing that shows up on the damn registration lists is the legal name, not the preferred name. Why can’t they have the preferred name on the lists? I like to call people what they want to be called, and it is not that hard to link this information, FFS. /rant

      1. VioletandIrises +9

        That is terrible organization right there. Why give the preferred name option if they’re ignoring it?

        1. sneepsnake +14

          I know! What are they thinking? In this case it was really horrible, but even in the less horrible “oh, my name Elizabeth but I go by Betsy” situation, I’m still calling these folks by a name they don’t use. And because college kids are weird, sometimes they are too shy/intimidated/not-wanting-to-make-a-fuss so they never correct me and I spend an entire semester calling them by the incorrect name. All easily corrected by a simple database change. (Oh, the university asks students for their preferred pronouns, too, and that info never shows up anywhere ever again as far as I can tell. So yay we’re all progressive and ask you these things but actually it’s only window dressing to make it look like we give a shit? What the hell.)

      2. BirdSandwich +3

        I don’t know if any of the folks in this thread have the energy points to make a fuss here, but the university I used to work at was really great about letting students update their own “administrative names” anytime they liked and then using that name 95% of the time (legal name shows up on official transcripts, tax paperwork, and photo id, but unless your teachers see those things they may not even know you have an administrative name different from your legal). Legal name also shows up when software malfunctions and grabs the wrong name, but we did our best to prevent that from ever happening.

        This is not any more difficult or complicated than “some people have a home phone and a cell phone” or “some students have a temporary/dorm address and a permanent address.” It’s about putting one more thing into a database and then ensuring the class registration lists pull the right thing out of the database. You can do it, IT at other universities, I believe in you.

    7. EmpressofBland +6

      Hey, congratulations on the name change! I hope your new name brings you happiness.

      Might depend on whether your office culture is down with humour, and your personal levels of confidence, but if I were in your position in my office I would be totally considering getting buttons/badges made up in different colours to say “Hi my name is [insert]” or equivalent, and just wearing them until people get used to the idea. It might not stop all the questions, but it might at least take care of well-meaning people who just keep forgetting.

      On the other hand, in your position I would almost certainly get frustrated and aggressive that people accept name changes on the basis of marriage without question but not for any other reason. So. My advice may not be the best.

    8. twenty4as +5

      Yay- congrats! I know it’s quite a process, no matter where you live.

      I informed my small-ish (30 employees) organization a couple of years ago. I wanted everyone to know on the same day so it wouldn’t be so constantly awkward, and I wouldn’t have to talk to everyone about it in front of others (I don’t have an office). We don’t have HR, so my supervisor worked with the rest of the org leadership and it worked a little like a phone tree- all supervisors were given a small script that I provided and told to inform their staff on the same day. It worked really well and gave people a chance to talk to someone if they had questions (lots of coworkers went to our resident social worker and wanted to make sure they understood how not to offend me :)). There were some slip ups for a few months (especially with pronouns), but it worked really well. Much of this is to do with our staff culture- everyone I work with is wonderful. But, I think this could also work well if you don’t know your coworkers very well or are worried about some people not being respectful- this makes it clear that respect is coming from the top and that not complying is not an option.

      Anyway- good luck! I’d love to know how it goes!

    9. Bent_fork +6

      Not advice, just an outrageous name change anecdote. My friend got married and went on her honeymoon. During her absence, her workplace “helpfully” changed everything, including her desk name plate, to her husband’s surname. And no, they did not ask whether she was changing her name; they presumed.

      1. parlato1973 +3

        ha! crazy co-workers!

        i had a co-worker change his name at my first job where i worked in a novelty gift shop. it was 1991 and he was in a band and moved to LA to start playing hair metal on the sunset strip, and he came in one day and said he’d changed his name to Jae-Min Pantera, and could we all call him that now, proudly passing around his new driver’s license. i have to give him points for staying on-brand.

  22. annikkinstarkiller +12

    I’ve got UK Netflix and they’ve just started adding Asian dramas! There aren’t many on there yet but I’m really enjoying kdrama ‘Beating Again’. It has my faves: corporate espionage, sharp-dressed men, and a really good female protagonist.
    I also started ‘Good Morning Call’ and didn’t like the male lead. Is it worth continuing?

  23. exitpursuedbyaclaire +34

    I have decided to finally use an actual account for commenting here, and along with that, stop using my work computer for Toast comments. So we’ll see how this goes (formerly c*l*ry).

    I am all iced in today, so I get to work from home in comfy clothes and cross my fingers that the power doesn’t go out.

    I have also made a fantasy fiction blog over at tumblr! Same username–exitpursuedbyaclaire.tumblr.com.
    I’m posting book reviews and various short pieces related to fantasy fiction.

  24. freshwaterpearl +33

    Since it’s a President’s Day thread, who is your favorite president? Or non-US head of state?

    (My predictable but true answer is Lincoln but I have big soft spots for my problematic faves John Adams and T Roosevelt. I still have never felt like I entirely believed George Washington was a real person.)

    1. hapsatou +17

      I like FDR, first female cabinet member and the Great society! I also have a soft spot for Truman in part because I read the David McCullough bio.

      1. bird_internet +10

        I am all about FDR. I’m hoping to hit up his presidential library someday but I haven’t had the chance.

      2. freshwaterpearl +16

        Frances Perkins heck yeah! I went to the same college she did and the program for non-traditional-aged students is named after her.

    2. hlmorris85 +18

      Mine’s Lincoln as well. He’s an easy person to admire, I guess, but I also have a really specific fond memory of doing a project in third grade and getting this huge Lincoln book from the library and for whatever reason that memory has cemented in my mind as this amazing thing (I still love libraries, but when I was a kid I *loved* libraries.)

      I also love Bill Clinton despite his foibles because he was the first president I ever “voted” for, in the second grade mock election.

      1. freshwaterpearl +26

        I read Adam Gopnik’s book Angels and Ages a few years ago, which is a set of intertwined essays about Lincoln and Darwin. (It was published around the time of their shared two hundredth birthday.) It’s all about how each of them helped to invent modernity, and it has such a thoughtful, passionate take on Lincoln’s importance.

        He’s also a really valuable example of a non-radical president having fruitful relationships with more radical activists, an executive who listened and took action when they were telling him it was time to accomplish important things, it couldn’t wait. I find him a useful person to look up to in that way. I can’t realistically aspire to never be wrong about anything, but I can aspire to listen well and change my mind and pursue justice.

    3. Antonius_Block +38

      George Washington has been my number 1 problematic fave since high school. Without making excuses for his failings, I just cannot get over the example he set for peaceful transitions of presidential power. He was so beloved, and he could have kept so much power for himself, and kept it indefinitely! And he didn’t!

      What I’m saying is that One Last Time hits me harder than any other song in Hamilton, which is saying something.

      ETA: I also love Lincoln, of course. I have a soft spot for Eisenhower, and wish the Republican party idolized him as much as they do Reagan. And I wish I could personally hurl Andrew Jackson and Woodrow Wilson into the sun.

      1. gclouts +18

        Same! I cry every time no matter what. The first time I cried watching it live was when Washington said “I trusted him”. Basically Chris has brought the Washington of my heart to life and I love him for it.

        Washington did so much for this country and I can never not love him for it. I have completely bought into the vision of him as the father of this country.

        Also, when I said I wasn’t applying to GW my advisor said “Good. He was a crappy slave owner.” So yeah. He is also deeply problematic.

      2. freshwaterpearl +17

        Oh yeah, “One Last Time” really gets me too even though I’m not normally a huge Washington person. I never expected to learn so much of an eighteenth-century speech by heart! The best way I know to care about America is to care about the shared dream of a better nation, and when Washington sings about “the benign influence of good laws under a free government, the ever favored object of my heart” it really hits home in that specific place.

    4. RoseCamelia +26

      LBJ was an embarrassment, such a crude person. But he advanced civil rights more than anyone since Lincoln.

      1. hapsatou +18

        LBJ was an amazing and effective lawmaker whose laws have made the country a better place but I think because of the Vietnam war and the fact he was an ok to not very nice person he doesn’t often make it onto lists of people’s favorite presidents

      2. Ms__M +25

        LBJ is the reason my mom and millions of other children got the educations they deserved. I know he was not a great person, but he did a lot of good.

        1. RoseCamelia +21

          Yes, as president, LBJ remembered his time as a classroom teacher in an impoverished little town. He did wonderful things for rural families.

      3. Beakses +8

        My husband and I made a trip out to his ranch and the “Texas white house” recently- it was a great trip, but our main takeaway from the tour was that LBJ would have loved smartphones and been even more of a nightmare to work for if he had had such a thing in his presidency. The mind boggles, a bit.

        We decided “What would X president do with today’s technology” could be a fun game to play generally- and things have changed so quickly you could pretty much include Clinton and Bush in there, too.

    5. socktantrum +16

      I have a soft spot for LBJ. He and FDR are sort of the bookends on the idealistic New Deal era, and his speeches about the Great Society legislation are awesome. But he is definitely a problematic fave too.

    6. RoseCamelia +51

      Jimmy Carter was disappointing as a president, not the right person for that job. But he is, and is likely to remain, my country’s best *former* president. He has accomplished amazing things since leaving office. And recently he formally distanced himself from his beloved Baptist church over their treatment of women.

      1. secondursula +16

        That’s exciting to know that he distanced himself from his church over their treatment of women, especially considering how devout he is. Not the most effective president, but the best, in my opinion.

      2. inkwashed +13

        My grandmother, a lifelong liberal, says that he was “too good a man to have been the president.”

      3. DangerBird +8

        I also greatly respect him for never having bombed the shit out of a foreign country, unlike every other president over the past thirty years.

    7. roisindubh211 +40

      Having briefly taught US history to 8th graders (The Progressive Age), I confess to a soft spot for poor President Taft, who just seems like he needed a completely different job where people would leave him alone.

        1. bird_internet +23

          He did! I recall that later in life he preferred not to talk about his time as president, because he wanted to be remembered for his judicial career.

      2. Biblioholic +9

        Same! As someone who would never enjoy being a leader, I totally get where he was coming from. Luckily, he was much happier at SCOTUS.

    8. redheadedwolf +41

      I gotta say OBAMA. What, no I don’t need any distance of time for historical perspective, thanks. He’s the best I’m gonna get in my lifetime (even with some major mistakes), and I’m okay with that.

      1. bethanykj +6

        I am disproportionately proud to live near the first street ever named for him (in a S Chicago suburb) for this reason.

    9. exitpursuedbyaclaire +44

      T. Roosevelt, but partly because he seems more like a fictional character than an actual human being? He had so many bizarre pets in the White House, and he was so gung-ho about national parks, and in general was so gung-ho about everything he did.

      1. freshwaterpearl +12

        Such a weirdo! Such a potent force of personality! I’ve actually read books about his youth (Mornings on Horseback!) and about a post-presidency adventure (River of Doubt!) but not one about his administration. I should fix that.

        1. thebellewitch +3

          It’s not exactly about Roosevelt, but features him heavily: The Big Burn by Timothy Egan. Super-good book all around, includes many bonkers Roosevelt tidbits.

        2. fakely_mctest +2

          Did you like River of Doubt? I v. much enjoyed Destiny of the Republic by the same author and she’s only released the two so far (one forthcoming on Churchill and the Boer War), but I also have a terrifyingly long to-read list.

          1. freshwaterpearl +1

            I liked it very much! I learned a lot about the ecology of the Amazon, as well as getting a rollicking adventure story.

      2. speakingofcake +5

        Teddy Roosevelt is definitely one of the more memorable presidents. Partner and I recently watched the Ken Burns ‘Roosevelts’ series, and Teddy was like some kind of force of nature barrelling through everything at a hundred miles a hour. Every time we thought we’d heard everything bonkers he’d done, something else would come up.

        ‘He got shot during a speech and KEPT TALKING for an HOUR until finally agreeing to go to hospital! Can’t get crazier than that!’

        ‘Oh wait, after his presidency he went on an insanely dangerous explorer trip down the Amazon and nearly died several times. Never mind.’

        I also loved that when he gave Elinor Roosevelt away in her wedding to FDR, he proceeded to make a long speech at the altar, delay the actual ceremony and basically make the whole thing about him. As his wise-ass daughter put it: “He wants to be the bride at every wedding, the corpse at every funeral, and the baby at every christening.” BURN.

    10. jlper +8

      My problematic faves are Lincoln, LBJ, and most problematic of all, Nixon. Huge flaws, great accomplishments.

        1. jlper +13

          The big ones would be the EPA and Clean Air/Water acts, Philadelphia Plan, visit to China. Alaska Native Claims Settlement Act was also pretty impressive. He can’t take credit for Title IX or ending the Vietnam War, but those happened under him too.

          Clearly he did a lot of terrible things, and was a bigot and a jerk, and I’d never want him to be president again. But he’s interesting to me not just because he ended up doing a lot of things that I consider important and progressive, but because of how obviously influential he was in creating the modern Republican party and nobody talks about it! The war on drugs, “law and order,” the strong religious base, value-based campaigning, that’s all Nixon.

          Problematic fave!

          1. 1nm +3

            I will give him the EPA and Clean Water/Air, although they were completely uncontroversial at the time (except among those who wanted more stringent regulation of environmental contaminants). The Philadelphia Plan was worked out under LBJ.

            He did treasonously negotiate with North Vietnam in 1968 to prevent peace talks, so that he could get elected, and then dragged out signing peace accords in 1972 so he could get re-elected, so, yeah, I wouldn’t give him credit for ending the Vietnam War. And you left out the personal corruption on a level not seen since Harding. Whatever.

          2. jlper +9

            I also left out Cambodia and Pinochet. Clearly not a good guy. So I guess less a “fave” in the traditional sense and more like “fascinating villain,” but he’s dead now, so whatever indeed.

          4. dancingcorvid +9

            Roughly once a year, I’ll turn to my husband and ask if Nixon is still dead. The answer has been yes for a while, which I find reassuring.

      2. Antonius_Block +6

        Have you read the novel Crooked, by Austin Grossman? It’s an alternate history of the Nixon presidency, with the premise that his presidency was shaped by his battle against Lovecraftian evils. Definitely not everyone’s cup of tea, but if you have pre-existing interests in Nixon (or Watergate, which was my obsession as a teenager), you might enjoy it. It completely delighted me when I read it last year.

        1. 1nm +3

          I prefer an opposite view. Nothing as grand as Lovecraftian evils, just small-minded corruption and bile, as found in Richard Condon’s Death of a Politician.

    11. arachnidette +20

      Jimmy Carter is just adorable. I don’t know if he got much done as president but he has definitely done great things since then.

    12. fakely_mctest +12

      Lincoln for sure. Just watched the American Experience documentary, Death and the Civil War. So many things changed during his time as president and I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been to preside over a massive series of seismic shifts like that.

      I have a lot of unexpected affection for Garfield and can highly recommend Candice Millard’s book, Destiny of the Republic: A Tale of Madness, Medicine and the Murder of a President. He seemed like he didn’t even particularly want the job and then got killed over it. Also seemed like a very loving and affectionate father and his relationship with his wife was fascinating.

      1. alula_auburn +12

        I love the parts in Assassination Vacation that are about how he just wanted to curl up with a book all day. Me too, Garfield. Me, too.

        1. fakely_mctest +8

          Obligatory Kate Beaton reference. This is one of her most random and yet I cackle like a witch every time:

      2. illyria83 +4

        Oh, I so want to get to reading that book. It’s been on my shelf for at least a year. But it has a lot of competition, and on the historical front I definitely want to get through Chernow’s Hamilton first.

    13. radiantsqui3d +21

      Since I’ve got a degree in American History, I decide I get to answer this question despite being horribly European!
      I’ll join several of you guys in having a predictable soft spot for Lincoln (which may or may not have to do with his pretty facial hair and the Electric Six video I’m not going to link to because it’s a bit NSFW). Other than that, yay FDR.
      A lot of people in my country still have a thing for Kennedy, but I actually always thought he’s a bit overrated…

      1. redheadedwolf +4

        I’ve never heard of Europeans getting degrees in American History! Fascinating. What country are you in/from, and what motivated your interest?

        1. radiantsqui3d +6

          I’m in Germany. My motivation to study American Cultural History was, well, a combination of having had excellent English marks in school and having grown up on slightly too much American TV. As you do.
          It’s now 8 years later and I’m working on my doctoral dissertation, which, not quite coincidentally, involves a lot of American TV…
          I do have the degree, though I must admit, my interest in the more historic aspects of my field has been a bit limited, and I’m mostly a cultural studies type scholar. I know a lot about all kinds of social reform movements in the late 19h century, I guess, but yeaaaah there are more historian-y historians than I am.

    14. grumblyqueer +10

      I’ve always had a hard time ranking presidents by favorites Nd not by “probably the least awful” (Roosevelt started redlining, Lincoln was about unity more than abolition, etc), but I have to go with Lincoln. The man kept a baby country together through a devastating civil war and ended slavery a lot earlier than some countries. Also I appreciate the witty quotes everyone (probably mis)attributes to him.

    15. almond_moon +20

      This is festive! Also, this is my first post! Hi Toasties! I am really excited to join this community. I’ve been creeping on the comments for about a month and I am overjoyed with how nice and accepting everyone is.

      TR because he is the Bull Moose of my heart and he would take foreign heads of state skinny dipping. I’m pretty sure he was the physical vessel of the American Spirit: brave, courageous, hot-tempered, chronic depression.
      Calvin Coolidge had a pet raccoon named Rebecca Raccoon. She was supposed to be eaten at Thanksgiving, but they pardoned her and kept her as a pet. Coolidge had so many animals.
      I think we are nearing the time where we can re-examine Nixon’s presidency with a more level perspective and I am ready for it!

      1. freshwaterpearl +7

        Yay, new commenter!

        I always forget about Coolidge! Did…did Americans eat a lot of raccoon in the twenties? At Thanksgiving, even?

        1. almond_moon +6

          Thank you for the welcome! Apparently, she was flown in from Mississippi for the meal. Which brings up my next question: were there no raccoons in DC? Was she a gift from Mississippi? This is my most favorite thing about Calvin Coolidge.

      2. grumblyqueer +9

        Speaking of presidents and skinny-dipping, John Quincy Adams’ love of it led to him being the first president to give an interview to a woman reporter. Ann Royall staked out his morning water hole, stole his clothes, and sat on them until he let her interview him. She’s a personal hero of mine.

    16. depizan +11

      Besides Lincoln, the Adams duo are my favorites. The senior for being such a brilliant difficult awkward little man. The junior for supporting science, for believing women deserved more rights, his career after presidency as a House representative fighting to end slavery. And then James Buchanan for being probably the first gay president.

      1. freshwaterpearl +3

        Buchanan’s personal life is so interesting, I just wish he hadn’t had such a terrible administration.

        ETA: Agreed on the Adamses, though, what a sharp and important pair of legal minds.

        1. depizan +2

          Oh definitely. I don’t care for Buchanan’s actions as president at all, it’s just his personal life that’s interesting to me.

      2. depizan +12

        I also have a bit of a soft spot for Truman, just because he was the first president to introduce a civil rights bill, and when that didn’t go through, he integrated the military and other federal branches because he was determined to do whatever he could. Which is pretty cool, especially given where he grew up and how in his younger years he was pretty narrow-minded and racist, but time and experience made him realize he was wrong (I used to live in a small town very near his hometown….and racism and the worship of the confederacy/KKK was still very much around).

      3. RoseCamelia +16

        Yes, the younger Adams was a true son of his mother. What a woman! Abigail Adams left her entire estate to women, only women, because they needed assets and could not get any under the law at the time.

      4. speakingofcake +1

        My only knowledge of the Adamses is from the HBO series (in my defence, I’m not American! 🙂 so my brain goes ‘John Adams = Paul Giamatti, cool” and “John Quincy Adams = that sleazy musician guy from ‘Girls’ = not cool”

        I *may* need to expand my research somewhat…

        1. depizan +1

          Maybe try Amistad, where JQA is played by Anthony Hopkins; about the trial over a slave ship mutiny that ended up going to the Supreme Court, JQA was the lawyer for the mutineers. There was also a 1970s miniseries about 4 generations of Adamses, where older JQA was played by William Daniels (Mr Feeny on Boy Meets World), but I don’t recommend it. It was pretty dull.

    17. lordpuddleglum +15

      James. K Polk.

      He was the only president to fulfill all of his campaign promises and then promptly died from exhaustion. I can’t even imagine a president fulfilling their campaign promises today.

      1. freshwaterpearl +4

        I had no idea! No wonder our other presidents haven’t kept all their promises, with that example to look up to.

  25. Merripat +21

    I just took a walk with a friend whom I haven’t seen in some months – mostly because he has a new-ish girlfriend. They started dating last summer, I think, and I’m still both disappointed and pissed. Not because I have feelings for him, but because he a) never told me he had a new girlfriend and b) disappeared completely after they got together.
    Now, I know that people want to spend time with their new partners, but they’re living in the same dorm, door to door, so it’s not like they have to carve time out of their busy schedules to see each other. And of course he’s not obligated to tell me when he’s seeing someone new, but the thing is, I supported him through a very bad breakup only months earlier, and we talked A LOT about his life and what he wants to do (because he wasn’t sure at this point if he didn’t want to be a [Catholic] priest after all). This is why I feel so unappreciated – I helped him figure out things, and then he doesn’t tell me that everything worked out in the end.

    I know I should talk to him about this, but I don’t know how. Earlier he was talking about something and then said, “Did you know that I’m seeing [girl’s name]?”. But this wasn’t his way of telling me, it just was important for the context. And I thought, now’s the moment to tell him, but I wasn’t quick enough, and then the moment was over. And now I’m sad and angry with myself.

    But tonight I had a dream where someone asked me (in English) how I’d like my eggs for breakfast, and the only thing I could think of was “scrambled” which wasn’t what I wanted, and it made me happy that I dreamt in English.

    1. Teka Lynn +5

      I dream in different languages occasionally, and I’m always so happy when I wake up and figure out that I got them right.

      1. GruntledDave +9

        It is really, really violent. Cartoonishly so. But the camera doesn’t linger on it in that porn-y way that some movies and TV shows do. So how you like it may depend on how you react to that?

      2. fishesinthetwee +2

        I found it pretty high on the torture porn scale – I said to my wife after, “I think I’d have liked it better PG-13.” :/ Which is to say, I enjoyed it! Some of the violence was cartoonish and fine! But some was gruesome body horror.

    7. sourwatermelons +4

      I really liked it as I was watching it but found the plot somewhat of a letdown? Like (SPOILERS Y’ALL) ending with a big happy-ending romantic scene seems very un-Deadpool to me. He never has anything good happen to him!! That’s his thing! I understand that adapting Deadpool to a movie was probably a big challenge and I felt like they got the tone and character right, I just wish the plot had focused less on a big heteronormative romance, I guess.

  27. whiskey_ginger +7

    Are there any Houston-area or east Texas Toasties out there? I moved down from the DC area and I am loving the weather and the tacos but am having my usual post-college trouble trying to meet people and make new friends.

    1. GruntledDave +3

      There’s a few of us in Houston (me, elsajeni, dakimel, maybe some others), and RoseCamelia lives Houston-adjacent! We get together at odd times for a dinner and hang out. If you want, we can include you some time?

      2. whiskey_ginger +1

        That would be so great! Thank you! I’m also Houston-adjacent at the moment and love any and all reasons to drive into the city.

      3. playeverything +1

        Oooh – hello, there! I don’t live in Houston but am working there until the end of May, so if you’re getting together before that pleaseprettyplease let me know?

      4. Peter +1

        Hi, this is maybe weird because I’ve never commented before but I’m in Houston and would love to attend a toastie meetup at some point!

      1. whiskey_ginger +1

        Austin is on my road-trip short list (it basically IS my road-trip short list to be totally honest), and it would be great to meet up when I make it out there.

  28. Merripat +33

    Oh – I started watching Downton Abbey over the weekend (have finished the first season) and now I’m simultaneously hooked and repulsed? Because I have a hard time with psychological cruelty in TV shows; if people beat each other up, that’s mostly fine with me, but please don’t be mean to each other for no reason.

    And I don’t really care for Matthew and Mary; the former because his mouth is always standing open (I know I’m judgy, sorry not sorry), the latter, because she feels so sorry for herself but a lot of her problems are of her own merit. Also, they’re a dull couple. I wish Sybil would inherit everything and start a commune.

    1. exitpursuedbyaclaire +14

      Those were exactly my reactions to Season One. If it helps, in Season Two, almost everyone grew on me significantly.

    2. Cupressaceae +3

      I just moved to the UK and was looking forward to continuing with DA (nearly finished season 4)… And of course Netflix UK doesn’t stream it. I am a little devastated.

    3. j_bird +1

      Aw, I thought Matthew’s slight slackjawedness was kinda sexy. Still don’t much like Downtown Abbey, though.

      Also <3 Sybil.

  29. 30Litresof +35

    I went to a friend’s birthday party on Saturday, hoping to run into the person I met last time I was at her house, months ago, who I had a really great time with but who never responded to a tentative follow up text about hanging out (just in a friendly way). Didn’t see her, figured she wasn’t there, and then just as my cab was pulling up, she turned up! And said how she’d been wanting to see me too since we got on so well! We texted a bit on Sunday so I’m hoping we can actually turn this into a friendship, but she’s a doctor and so has unpredictable working patterns which makes it hard. But I’m hopeful – it’s so rare to meet someone you just completely click with like that.

    It’s especially nice because I’ve been feeling a bit lonely lately – I’ve been living in Manchester for two years now, but sometimes I still feel like I haven’t got as close to people as I would like. But actually, I think I’m OK.

    Anyone else want to share heartwarming stories about missed connections that turn into actual connections?

    1. Merripat +9

      Not really a missed connection, but here goes: Years ago, I met a very nice girl at a mutual friend’s birthday party, and I also felt that we really clicked. She showed up to a movie night sometime later, but had to leave early, and I forgot to ask for her number, but thought that I’d like to be friends with her.
      And then, weeks later, we happened to sit on the same train and had seats in the same six-seat compartment. She was going to her hometown and wouldn’t be back for some time, so it was basically our one chance to get to know each other for the time being. We talked all the time and found out that we were dealing with similar problems at the time and it was just the best thing that had happend to me for some time. We’re still friends now, and I’m so glad we happened to be on the same train.

  30. beyoncepadthai1 +6

    Does anyone here use smartflix to see other countries’ Netflix content? I know nothing about computers so I’ve never installed any complicated/sketchy seeming proxy thing – but this took two seconds and seems to work really well. Is there something I should know? Don’t want to break my computer but also don’t want to give up access to all seasons of parks & rec.

    1. geekcrackteam +4

      I got Hola recently, its great! I’ll stop using it when it stops working *shrug*

      US Netflix is much better and I’m sure all the studios would prefer me to watch their content in a legal grey area than just torrenting it. Which is exactly what I do if I want to watch something and it’s not on Netflix or one of the various iPlayers.

      1. Becca Rose +6

        Never tried smartflix BUT I did use Hola for a while and loved it — until I found out that they will use your IP address as part of their bouncing-around-of-internet-signals (obviously the technical term for it), so you’re potentially screwed if someone uses your IP for malevolent purposes and it gets tracked back to you.

    1. MyEvilTwin +6

      I am in Denver. Will keep an eye on future open threads in case you end up needing assistance.

      1. LadyPoopjokes +4

        Thanks!! Fingers crossed this’ll turn out to be simpler than I’m making it in my head. Future updates to follow, perhaps!

        1. thebellewitch +3

          Also in Denver! I’ve got small kids & work so it kind of depends on date and time, but I could potentially offer a pickup and even a guest bedroom to crash in overnight if you need time to recover before driving back to the Fort. My presence in the Friday open threads is spotty, but I can almost always be found in Link Roundups if you need to send out a bat signal.

          1. LadyPoopjokes +5

            Denver is populated entirely by goddesses beautiful and terrible as the dawn, I will make a scene in future link roundups/open threads should I need assistance once I have the details nailed down!

  32. daisicles +14

    I am so cranky right now. I think I have a sinus infection of some kind – there’s pressure going on in my head and a fun cough – but mostly I feel okay except for how I can’t sleep because of it. I got like maybe 2 hours of sleep last night. I have schoolwork I need to do, but my brain feels like I just left it in some jello. Blahhh. I need to go to the doctor, but it’s snowy outside and there’s no way I’m safe to drive myself, so that’s gonna take some work to figure out.

    Anyone else want to come join my pity party?

    1. wondertwin2 +4

      I am in this exact pity party with you. Are you an established patient with your doctor? Try calling in and talking to a nurse and seeing if there’s something they are willing to recommend or prescribe remotely, assuming you can get to a pharmacy.

      1. daisicles +4

        Sadly, due to a combination of no insurance for a while and a great fear of both doctors and calling for appointments, I’m between doctors at the moment, so it’s just the urgent care clinic for me. My mother is, I’m quite sure, lecturing me in her head about how I’d promised to find a new doctor last summer, but….

        1. anniekate76 +3

          Does your university have a health clinic?

          Failing that… neti pot that goo away, then have some hot tea with lemon and take a hot shower.

          And then wrap a hot towel around your head.

          1. daisicles +2

            My university does have a health clinic but sadly, I’m an online student and live a good three hours away. I do have health insurance through school now at least!

            Hot showers have definitely been my friend the past few days.

  33. SwitchingGenres +26

    Last week I got up the courage to message a guy who’s also a member of a cool facebook group I belong to. We really hit it off and I’m super crushing in that total cheesecake way–listening to love songs, sending him texts with love poems, etc. And luckily my husband and I are in an open relationship, so he’s happy for me too. I just wanted to share my giddiness!

    1. SmrtCookie +6

      Yay!! This is heartening, I’m newly single and looking forward to giddiness and first kisses, etc with new people.

      1. SwitchingGenres +3

        I heartily recommend meeting new people through common interests. In this instance, we’re both part of the facebook group for a comedy podcast, and I know a lot of people have met significant others in the group. It helps if you already know you have some things in common!

        1. SmrtCookie +5

          The people I meet through shared interests tend to be outside of my preferred gender/age range. Luckily I’m confident veteran of online dating so I’m not particularly worried.

  34. geekcrackteam +15

    I spent a hideous amount of money getting my hair coloured over the weekend (like a lot more than I intended on spending, because I have so much hair. fun.) and it looks almost exactly the same. I wanted a red balayage/ombre style, and they showed me a picture that was great; but in the end I got red with some lighter red highlights (that look super washed out.). So I paid a lot of money to go from faded red, to browny-red with faded red stripes.

    I should have stuck with my conviction that getting my hair coloured in a salon is a waste of money. Back to the box dyes it is.

    Anyone else got super buyer’s remorse today? (so much money you guys. so so much money.)

    1. wondertwin2 +17

      Are you brave enough to ask them to try again? I am likely not that brave, but a friend did that when her hair turned out black instead of purple-black, and they fixed it for free.

      1. geekcrackteam +13

        It’s not that I’m not brave enough, I feel like I just can’t be bothered? I’m going to get some bright red semi-permanent dye and fix it myself. The highlights are good, they’re just supposed to be a lot redder.

        The actual cut is ok, although I need to trim the fringe myself a bit; and the girl blow dried it curly even though I told her my hair does not take a curl, so of course 5 minutes after I left the salon my blow-out was gone.

        Maybe its because I’ve dyed and cut my own hair a lot over the years (I don’t cut it any more because its too long), but I never really feel the worth of a salon cut. I don’t know how people who are afraid to do their own hair survive, I always have to fix my fringe after a cut.

        1. Faith +8

          I totally understand the not being bothered esp if you have loads of hair but you can and should ask them to do it again! It might have been an inexperienced colourist and if you say it wasn’t right they will probably give you someone better and you can achieve your perfect pillar box red hair!

        2. Xolandra +12

          2 more considerations when deiciding whether or not to go back: you spend a hideous amount of money. You should get what you want out of it. And: as someone with service industry experience, I would MUCH rather you tell me and give me the opportunity to fix it than to remain silent and tell all your friends.

        3. caatness +3

          Then maybe at least suggest they owe you some recompense. Product, another cut in the future, etc.

          I have been doing a lot of DIY hair and it has made me very picky when I pay for it. I have done every color known to man and then some, so I do not mess around when someone I paid to know more than I do gets it wrong.

          Good luck!!

    2. Angelan_ +17

      I am 100% with you that salon colour is a waste.

      –someone who asked for ‘a natural, auburn’ and got WE CAN SEE IT FROM SPACE PILLARBOX RED.

      1. geekcrackteam +11

        See I wanted pillarbox red and got auburn! What is the hairdresser black magic that means they always give you the opposite of what you wanted!

        1. Angelan_ +14

          in my case it was ‘oh, I didn’t think you’d suit it, I thought you’d suit this better’. That’s not why I’m paying you, dude!

    3. caatness +6

      March right back in and politely let them know they need to fix it. That’s unacceptable. My feeling is, the more money you paid, the more beholden they are on their good reputation to work it out.

      1. geekcrackteam +8

        It’s not really that I’m scared to go back in; its that I don’t have the time! O work full time, and they close at 5.30, so I won’t be able to get in during the week, and next week end is my birthday weekend and I don’t want to have to sacrifice time to get my hair done again (it was 3 1/2 hours last time!).

        If I can be bothered on Saturday I’ll go in and talk to them, but that feels like I’ve left it too long?

        1. meowmischen +7

          Call and explain first if you can. Then you won’t be leaving it too long (although I don’t think a week is too long anyway) and you’ll give them a chance to think about it and offer a solution. They may even be able to stay open late for you depending on the sort of place it is.

  35. wondertwin2 +8

    I got some terrible throat/cold thing that has me stuck in bed, and this picture makes me want a puppy to snuggle with so much. Do you do cross-country deliveries? Sigh.

  36. sausagedog +14

    I’m at work, but a lot of people took off today so it’s pretty quiet. I’m planning on driving to Starbucks later for a break, and to maybe get one of those bags of Almond Roca popcorn I’ve been eyeing.

    Toasties, I am very stressed about life circumstances. What do you do about stress that (1) has very specific provenance yet you cannot do anything to better the situation and (2) is hitting you hard on a Monday? I’m going to yoga tonight, but otherwise my instinct is just to burrow into a hole and not come out.

    1. Heathered +10

      Sometimes running toward that kind of stress, not literally but via writing it down to the most catastrophized extremes, can at least diffuse a little of its power to loom over you by reminding you that while it is stressful, you will probably come out the other side okay. But really, burrowing into a hole with a bag of Almond Roca popcorn sounds SO GOOD right now, so no judgement if that’s how you play it.

      1. sausagedog +3

        Update: the Almond Roca popcorn was totally amazing.

        Thanks for the advice, I’ve definitely already gone over the worst case scenarios in my head a dozen times, but I think writing it down could really help lighten the load a bit.

    3. morgansederburg +7

      I completely agree with Heathered. Personally, I often talk through what’s stressing me out aloud to myself, acknowledging what’s scaring me and planning for even the most outlandish possible outcomes. Then I eat a few pieces of the darkest chocolate I can get my hands on and watch something silly on Netflix (Vicar of Dibley is always a solid choice). I hope you feel better soon!

    4. RamekinRamekin +1

      As others have suggested, sometimes I find that allowing myself to dwell on it for a set time in a very specific, focused way can be helpful. Like, I’ll set a timer and give myself fifteen minutes to write a list of everything that’s worrying/stressful. Then when the timer goes off, I’m done.

      Alternatively, meditation has proven hugely helpful to me. I did this “mindfulness based stress reduction” training based on the work of a doctor named Jon Kabat-Zinn. The main form of meditation we learned was a technique called the body scan. It’s super easy do as a guided meditation and incredibly relaxing; I often fall asleep while doing it, which is… sort of not good meditation practice, I guess, but kind of useful in its own way. 🙂 Anyways here’s a youtube recording of it if you ever want to give it a try: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=daU-xneLA0g

  37. chiaroscuromom +31

    Can we talk about Neko Atsume? Like, why do the cats have a Power Level? What is that for?

    1. wallofillusion +13

      What I’ve heard is that cats with higher power levels have an easier time kicking weaker cats off the toys they want. But I heard this once in a comment somewhere, so grain of salt etc.

      1. tinypaperme +3

        How/when does this happen? Is it something that the game shows – like, poor sweet little Pickles is on the cardboard choo-choo and then some jerk cat walks out and sends him/her scurrying?

        1. elsajeni +3

          I think it just affects how long the cat gets to stay, which may or may not affect how much they tip you — no one seems super sure about any of this, honestly, this is all sourced from “people guessing on the internet” — and also it affects the likelihood that you’ll see cats with low power levels at all. Like, Frosty has a low power level and relatively few toys he likes to play with; if you only have one of those toys out, you’ll have a hard time getting him to show up, because there are always cats with higher power levels playing with his toy and he can’t kick them off.

    2. LadyPoopjokes +11

      I’ve been playing it for ~2 days and can’t stop checking it every five minutes even though I know it’s pointless. I know nothing about this game and I love it.

    3. helvetica547 +9

      I played it for like a month, even though nothing really happens but I love cats. But still, in the end, I didn’t have enough commitment/interest to do “specific” things to attract certain cats.
      Also, I got stuck in the loop of “get more fish, buy nice things, but also need fish to buy nice food or the cats stop showing up” and I just couldn’t break it to be able to buy things worth 40 goldfish or smth like that, for fancy cats.
      Tl;dr fun game for an amount of time, power level seems like a made-up thing.

      1. tinypaperme +3

        The way I solved that problem was by keeping one specific item out all times that drew a generous, high-tipping cat, then just kept collecting all their fish. It does take a while to get to the initial threshhold, though.

    4. bluewindgirl +3

      I’m using it to wean myself off of SimCity BuildIt, which I played obsessively for months but quit in a fit of pique after I dragged tiny icons around for literal hours and missed getting a gold-coin-making building by THREE points. Fuck you Sim City, if you expect people to play games for more than five minutes while waiting for a bus or something, the gameplay has to actually be fun.

    5. Lena +6

      My major accomplishment of 2015 was getting Every. Single. Kitty. (Like, I got the last one on 12/31!) I then spent two hours the other day figuring out how to transfer all my progress to a new phone.

      …I don’t have a problem I swear.

    6. lemonadefish +12

      I have all the special objects from all the cats. I am a master of cats. Or possibly a person who needs to put her phone down and get a life. Also I play a lot less now, because there is nothing left to hope for.

      1. tinypaperme +3

        I’m hoping the game will release a small, inexpensive expansion pack of cats. I’d pay a buck or two for another round of cats.

    7. notebook-keeper +4

      Yes! I got all the kitties and am now trying to get all the mementos. I don’t what I’ll do after that!

  38. AliceIsHopeless +152

    Hey remember I was cryptic about an awesome job on Friday’s Cocktail Hour?
    Guess who’s working at BUCKINGHAM FREAKING PALACE this summer?

    (Nobody tell them I’m an Australian/immigrant/rebublican)

      1. AliceIsHopeless +17

        I am so excited! I’ll be a warden/attendant in the State Rooms or Queen’s Gallery for the summer opening 🙂

    5. jackalopeia +50

      Rebublicans, of course, believe the monarchy should be abolished and replaced with noted internet celebrity lil bub.

      Congratulations!

    6. Biblioholic +17

      I have a couple friends that worked there last year. One was Canadian, so I think you’re ok as an Aussie. I’d keep quiet about the republican part, tho. I asked the Canadian who were the worst tourists and, of course, it was us Americans. So, prepare for them to complain about walking more than 10 meters, and being generally dumb.

      Both my friends seriously loved working there, and got to go to awesome events. One got to dress up as Henry VIII for something. If you’re at all into history, you will love it.

      1. AliceIsHopeless +23

        My republicanism is not aggressive, and it’s mainly focused on Australia rather than the UK (because I don’t really feel entitled to an opinion on that)… I’m very weirdly commonwealth thrilled to be working there though, and as an art historian I am beside myself with excitement

    7. bookwormV +18

      Bring them down from the inside!

      (Note to the Home Office/MI5: I am not actually advocating this.)

  39. urspostrophe +35

    So, Toast, I was seeing a counselor for a little while last year, and I’m going to start going back to her in a few weeks. I’m excited for this and I definitely have some stuff that I want to work through with her, and she’s been enormously helpful in the past, but: does therapy cause anyone here ADDITIONAL stress? I just feel this enormous pressure to always be talking during my sessions, but not to ramble or say anything boring or mean, and to remember everything she advises me to do and apply it perfectly. I just want to be a good patient and that mindset is not helpful, I’m sure.

    1. Merripat +8

      If she is a good therapist, she should be fine with you rambling or talking about “boring” (that may not actually be boring – maybe this is what concerns you at the moment) stuff; therapy/counselling is, after all, YOUR time, and you decide what you want to talk about. She is there for you and wants to guide you through exactly these things, however weird or inept they may seem to you.

    2. redheadedwolf +13

      That sounds very normal (for certain personality types especially). And I also want to say that even with my awesome therapist, there were sessions that left me thoroughly unhappy, emotionally exhausted, etc. It really is part of the healing process at times, like resetting a bone that healed wrong. (And sometimes it’s because the therapist isn’t a good fit and not actually helping, I should add — there’s a lot to take into consideration when figuring out which it is. Mainly how comfortable you are talking to said therapist, how much you feel you can trust them.)

      1. LeenyRose +4

        Oh my goodness I LOVE the analogy of resetting a bone that didn’t heal properly! That’s perfect.

        1. redheadedwolf +1

          Yeah! Therapy is often painful and uncomfortable, and that’s a sign it’s working. I’d be pretty skeptical of the benefit if someone only saw it as a fun chatty hour. It should be a time of digging up past or personal truths you don’t normally like to think about or deal with.

          As a teenager, I once wrote a journal entry likening therapy to being around a dementor, because it made relive some of my worst memories (and that was with the good therapist, rather than the horrible charlatans my dad took me to, who sometimes flat-out trolled me). I was pissed at the time, but saw the benefit later on.

    3. Becca Rose +5

      Oh yeah, I have felt that before! My advice is what I tell myself: it’s a messy process and I’ll probably feel messy during it, and letting go of the belief that I can control the mess is vital to the process itself.

    4. radiantsqui3d +11

      I feel you, mate!
      I’m still getting used to my therapist, and I’m just slowly getting over feeling like I have to impress them all the time, and be continuously improving all the time, and be up for anything. I feel comfortable in therapy, but I also want my therapist to approve, and that can be stressful, also because it’s such a weird relationship…
      Also therapy in itself can really put a strain on me – I feel that it helps, but often I need quite some time afterwards where I can regroup…

      1. urspostrophe +4

        Yes! It can be hard work, and exhausting, and that’s a thing I forget periodically too. Like, I can’t just dump all my problems and leave–there’s usually some assignment to do after, or at least a lot of messy stuff to think through. Oof.

    5. lemonack +6

      I have this problem too, compounded by the part where when I’m out of contact with anyone for more than half a year or so it becomes harder and harder for me to reinitiate contact. Last time I was seeing my therapist we’d hit points where I’d run out of things I felt prepared to talk about and she’d just end the session early but… I don’t know, she doesn’t really prorate for that, so it felt overall weird.

    6. alula_auburn +4

      Yes, I totally find therapy stressful (i kind of hate that due to having 1.5 jobs I have to have a telepsych session Monday mornings before work and in person Fridays after work).

      My therapist and I have had conversations about my feeling like I’m “bad” at therapy, specifically my feeling that I’m too busy anticipating the answers I’m “supposed” to give, and very impatient with what feels like an attempt to lead me to a breakthrough, when my feeling is like “Well, I know that, but so what?” I still have a lot of trouble with the idea that just saying things out loud is actually helpful and not just making me dwell on my unhappiness more.

      So yes, I find therapy extremely stressful. Other than “I hear you,” my only somewhat practical advice is to jot things down over the week to talk about.

    7. EmpressofBland +2

      Yep. I’m constantly asking “am I doing this right? am I supposed to say something else?” and my therapist is all, “there’s no wrong way to respond to therapy, if that’s what’s coming up let’s talk about it”. I’ve been seeing her for years and I still do it every. session.

    2. hapsatou +4

      I didn’t see it the first time so thank you for posting (as I type this through watery eyes)!

    3. kayjayoh_ +7

      I have been enjoying that high school group since they came out with Wait for It, and I am so excited every time they release a new one. Like, *these* kids, these Chicago public school kids, are the kids this thing is for, you know?

  41. BourneApprox +46

    Toasties! I have been missing you all so much! My past 3-4 weeks have been eaten up entirely by my job-prep program, crafting a portfolio project and learning more about Industry Stuff. Now we’re in a period where we’re prepping for interviews and doing presentations at various companies. I have at least two companies that I’m absolutely dying to work for, on things that are important to me, and had a very good presentation at one last week. Terrifying interviews to hopefully follow. However, I wanted to share an exchange we had with another company which visited earlier this month…

    Me: “Uh, can you talk about diversity on your team?”

    Engineer Dude: “Er, we’re pretty white and male. I think we have at least one Asian female? Oh wait, Mike’s half black! But he looks white. I guess we have some folks from Canada?”

    Cue all the women (and men) looking at each other with jaw-dropped horror and Schadenfreude-y delight. It was like something out of the show Silicon Valley. The *other* much more polite business data team is the one actually hiring, so I’m unbelievably still demoing at the company, but aaaaahahahahahahhhaaaaaa.

    Meanwhile, also trying to find a rental home in the East Bay area, which argghhhhhhhhh.

    1. BourneApprox +7

      Update on the hilarious “diversity” company. We just got planning info for our on-site presentations, and it includes the line: “Feel free to save the suit for another occasion!” THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME.

      1. MissMushkila +11

        Hahahahghd. I would wear the most on-point (a la Scandal or The Good Wife), distinctly-feminine suit ever. With heels. Because I am extremely contrary.

        1. BourneApprox +2

          I really SHOULD. But alas, I’ll be going to another company that morning which I actually super like and really shouldn’t wear a suit to. But maybe I can do the most feminine slouchy blouse and skinny jeans possible…

    2. almond_moon +4

      You should try El Cerrito! I’ve had friends who have found affordable places there. Good luck with your search!

      1. BourneApprox +2

        We’re currently living right near there, actually! It’s decidedly on our radar! Want to be near all those awesome restaurants on Solano plz…

    3. lordpuddleglum +4

      No advice on finding an rental home! But I live in the East Bay, so if you end up in the Concord/Walnut Creek/Pleasant Hill area, and want any good food/service recs let me know! Also hit up the Bay Area Toasties facebook!

      1. BourneApprox +1

        We juuuuuust missed out on a lovely house in Orinda, sigh. We have an Open Table gift cert which works with tons of restaurants in Walnut Creek, tho, so I may come looking for a recommendation soon!

  42. LacaunaKale +17

    Today in people who need to just stop already. Stephen Fry.
    (I’m confused that he’s getting more backlash for the not great bag lady joke then for his dumb comments on diversity though)

      1. brasspaperclip +25

        So many times!

        I love him for many things, but he regularly says clueless and offensive things in public, then flounces off to pout when anyone dares to push back.

  43. irreverantontheinternet +7

    I have been sick for a week now, and missed most of last week from work. It was something gastrointestinal but more characterized by sharp, localized pain than the things people usually associate with gastrointestinal issues.

    The thing was, in looking over my symptoms, my possible exposure, and what made my pain better/worse, bf and I couldn’t conclude if I was for real sick or just having a physical manifestation of some really horrible grad-school related stress. I started feeling horrible after a two hour crying jag, but also after being in a grocery store surrounded by swarms of sticky children and coughing parents. Then over the weekend we visited my parents, who proceeded to tell me that the reason I was sick because I was fat and horrible and when I snapped at them for poking at my stomach they got testy because “they were just trying to help” and proceeded to hand me wads of articles that they intended to back up their “fat and horrible” point (Up yours, Dr. Gott!). So if it was all caused by stress, well…

    I don’t really have a point with this, it’s just so frustrating to feel awful and not be taken seriously, which happens to be the reason I didn’t go see my PCP. I can’t afford another trip to urgent care, but I wasn’t planning to get sick again (lol, famous last words) so I’ve put off finding a doctor that actually listens and doesn’t give me weird interrogations about my ethnic background (sorry I’m too white to be Eastern European and don’t have a detailed family tree? idek)

    1. RoseCamelia +7

      Maybe it’s OK in your family culture, but I am angry on your behalf that anyone would touch you without invitation. I want to stand near you with a menacing scowl, feet apart, taking up as much space as possible. I want to declare by my posture that I am your bodyguard and there will be no touching! No one gets to comment on your body, either.

      Of course, I will do nothing of the kind without your permission. Bodily autonomy is a slippery concept in your family?

      You deserve better. I hope you feel better soon. Wishing you nothing but pleasant encounters with people who support you, no contact with anyone critical or diminishing.

      1. irreverantontheinternet +8

        Personal autonomy in every sense of the word is a tricky concept in my family. They’ve basically never stopped treating me like I was in middle school, despite the fact that I am pushing 30 and haven’t lived at home for more than a few months since I was 18.

        They live by the “it doesn’t bother ME so why does it bother YOU?” philosophy. Which means things like walking in on someone trying to use the bathroom… “I, your mother, haven’t been able to pee in peace since I gave birth to children, so why do you, my daughter, think you need to lock the bathroom door?” stuff like that. Their worldview is comprised entirely of their lived experiences and if someone else’s experiences deviate from theirs it’s incomprehensible.

    2. irreverantontheinternet +6

      Bf just texted “you were definitely sick. and contagious” so I guess that’s one mystery solved! (I feel so bad for him, but I guess that’s the hazards of living together).

      1. lemonadefish +2

        I always wait eagerly to see if Mr. LF will get my stomach troubles (happens around 50% of the time) so then I will know whether it was a daycare germ, or a stupid phantom gallbladder issue. Sorry to hear you have been ill, but good to know it was a passing bug. Hope you both feel better soon.

    2. AliceIsHopeless +8

      I stopped breathing when I got to Jefferson. He missed a trick not having Laurens in there though…

    3. Currer_Belle +9

      My gentleman caller sent me these: https://www.etsy.com/listing/264831439/set-of-6-h…

      And I got flowers addressed to the “best of women.” I picked a real winner.

  45. redheadedwolf +12

    Thank you so much for the open thread, Nicole! Don’t know what I’d do otherwise, today (god forbid, work).

    Guys, I have a confession: last night, instead of going to my once-a-week judo class (thanks to the Toastie who recced the Portland school!) last night, I sat on my sofa and peeled adhesive off of the flap to a new litter box I bought. For literally more than an hour (though okay, I was watching Netflix simultaneously).

    Now I feel guilty and discouraged about my own self-discipline. It’s just once a week, and yes I was busier than usual that day and didn’t want to buy gas again just to go to class, but it still just feels like excuses.

    Also, I should say I’m not really OCD (I’ve discussed that with my therapist; I have tendencies, but it’s not at all life-hampering or truly compulsive). It’s just an unfortunate indicator of my life and personality that I prefer to sit home alone, peeling off adhesive, than exercise with a group of awesome women I genuinely like and have a good time with once I get there. It just feels very self-defeating.

    1. redheadedwolf +8

      On a more positive note, I did finally make it to the no-cis-men dance party that happens twice a month in Portland! And I had a great time, and will definitely go again! So there’s some hope for me.

      (I’d been meaning to try it out for months now, but until this weekend — when I was already close by at the right time — I foiled myself either due to actual physical illness or the irresistible allure of sitting home, alone… )

    2. Xolandra +20

      You don’t have to go every week. Even though you are paying for it and you like it, sometimes you need to do something that feeds another part of your soul. Accept it, and try again next week! *waves pom-pom*

      Also: so jealous of non cis-dude dance. Am tired of erect weiners being pressed on me while I dance. Like yes, by all means, appreciate, just don’t… rub your erect member on ppl without asking. So weird.

      1. redheadedwolf +7

        Aw, thank you so much. That’s kinda exactly what I needed to hear (though I hate fishing for reassurance, etc.).

        And yes, exactly, though I have even less tolerance for men in my area. The last time I went to a reputed gay bar and tried to dance on the floor, I noticed men just hanging around the edges, watching, and I hated the idea of them seeing me as a performance for them, so I stopped.

        1. Xolandra +11

          I have just decided to make peace with it. It’s not like I don’t appreciate a nice hunk o man (or lady) meat every now and then, and knowing that their worst fear is that women will laugh at them makes it… really easy to take power back. Like yeah, you may be lusting after my wiggly hips, but a side-eye, a headshake, a whisper to my girlfriend and the intimation of a laugh, and they are CRUSHED.

    3. SmrtCookie +10

      Ugh. I know that feeling. It’s sometimes really hard for me to go to my weekly activities, even though I know if I go I’ll enjoy them. The only way I get there most weeks is by promising myself I can leave any time after I walk into the building. If I get there and walk inside and decide I’m not feeling it I can leave. Almost all of the time I stay, and even if I don’t have a great time I know it feels better than the guilt I would have felt if I stayed home.

      1. redheadedwolf +6

        Thanks for the commiseration! And aha, I like that strategy: remind myself forcefully that the guilt and self-disgust will be HORRIBLE and is not worth it, just go already.

        And honestly, even when I was at the dance party, I had to remind myself repeatedly I could go at any time, just try staying a little bit longer. Even though I was having a nice time! Oh, introverts.

    4. Beakses +2

      Oh, I am so excited that judo worked out for you! And unspeakably jealous of your group of awesome women (I love my judo dudes dearly, but we are in desperate need of more ladies in my dojo).

      I skip far fewer classes now than I used to, but every so often things are just too much, and that’s okay! The nice thing is that the dojo is there next week too. The telling yourself that you at least have to go there but you don’t have to go in is definitely a highly effective trick which is probably at least 50-90% responsible for me being much more consistent than I used to be.

      1. redheadedwolf +1

        Thank you so much for the rec, again! It’s such a great group of women, especially the sensei, and no one’s trying to be a macho dude by proving how he can overpower me (I know most of the guys aren’t like that, but I’m really more comfortable getting in close contact with women, especially when I don’t know anyone well yet).

        Yeah, the dojo is about 20 minutes from me, so if I’m going to make the drive, I’ll definitely go in. It’s just a matter of talking myself into the car with my gi bag…

  46. ppyajunebug +51

    Toasties, I have made progress on writing my dissertation introduction (!!!) and it all finally clicked in my head and I’m feeling good about myself for a hot second. LET’S HOPE THIS LASTS.

    Anyone have tips for dissertation writing? I’m in the sciences, and two of my chapters (aka studies) are basically written, and I have a sort-of schedule for writing the rest. But I would still love to hear how y’all made the experience less hellish.

    1. tiny_bookbot +6

      YAY YOU CAN DO IT

      I’m still in the process of mine, but I am on the humanities end. Still, nothing has been more helpful for me than accountability measures, particularly with other people who are writing: I have a weekly dissertation writing date with a friend, and I have a writing group that meets weekly to share work in progress. Both really help drive me to actually generate prose and make the process less ghastly.

      1. SmrtCookie +4

        Seconding accountability! I only did a master’s thesis so not the same but I worked out a series of deadlines with one of my committee members. I will bend and break any self imposed schedule but if someone who is deciding whether I should get to graduate sets a deadline I will meet it!

    2. Angelan_ +12

      My process for a biology-PhD-thesis-in-10-weeks-start-to-finish was this:
      1. Map out your time – how many weeks for each chapter etc.
      2. Make a list of all the figures you have for each chapter. Draw them out in a rough version.
      3. Make all the figures for chapter 1. Then write around them.
      4. Dispatch to PI for corrections, begin results chapter 2, same process.
      5. Methods. ???? I listened to a lot of musicals and looked at other people’s thesis’ for guidance.
      6. Introduction. Go through your results and list everything you need to introduce. Work out how long it needs to be in words, and divide that by how many days you have to write it. Congratulations! You can’t go home until you’ve written that many words! <-this part is terrible.
      7. Discussion. ???? I have no idea. I had like a week left at this point. I think I googled ‘how to write a phd discussion’ in despair.

      Mostly my method was to cut it into little bits, and tick those bits off a list when they were done. I cried in my car a lot.

      I also spent a lot of time reassuring myself that more people (by many orders of magnitude) had read my fanfiction than were ever going to read my thesis. It didn’t have to be perfect, but it did have to be done. Printing it off is really satisfying! Pick a nice font for the titles. Get a lot of food in the freezer. Try and talk to people sometimes. Honestly I went a bit weird and couldn’t relate to anyone afterwards unless they were talking about thesis writing.

    3. radiantsqui3d +10

      OMG I DON’T KNOW YOU BUT I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!

      I’m also in the humanities, so it’s a bit different… I haven’t started writing yet, not a single word, but I’m nearing a point where I definitely should. I have a deadline in 1,5 years and I probably won’t make it, especially if I keep being as unmotivated as I’ve been for the past few months…

      As for tips: build routines. be kind to yourself and self-care. get feedback as soon as possible. don’t be afraid to ask/nag your supervisor about things. take care of citation and other formatting issues right away (going back later and fixing all the footnotes is the worst thing ever!)

    4. RoseCamelia +7

      You can do it! I am so proud to internet-know you. Here’s how Mr Rose completed his biology dissertation: He married a liberal arts graduate with editing skills.

      Yes, I’m making him pay. For the rest of his life.

    5. RLovesRocks +3

      I finished mine 5 or so years ago in the sciences. I was and still am terrible with time management (case in point: starting this comment 10 minutes before I am supposed to teach a class), so I have nothing useful to say about that part. However, I found changing locations helped me a ton. I shared an office with a bunch of people, and they’d distract me, so I’d go to the library. or I’d go to coffee shop (in Seattle at the time, so they were easy to find); the background coffee shop noise somehow helped me focus. You might also check out the pomodoro time management thing, which I use whenever I absolutely cannot focus on stuff. Also, remember to get up and walk around or exercise if you like that.

    6. Steph +8

      YOU CAN SO DO IT. (Says the lady frantically churning out a physics dissertation.) I find the intros always the hardest to write, because that’s the most narrative-oriented section (at least for my stuff). Methods and results are straightforward reporting — we did x,y,z, and got data a,b,c, which means m,n,o — but here’s my formula for intros which has served me well (can be adapted for chapters/papers/etc as necessary):

      1.) Start with two or three (ish) sentences that baldly lays out your starting position. For a dissertation intro, it leans more towards “this is the general area of my work, and why this is a worthwhile area to be working in,” while for later chapters it leans more towards a “this is what was covered in the previous chapter.”

      2.) Then a paragraph that gives a zeroth-order approximation of what you’re doing, framed in relation to the starting position from 1.)

      3.) Set out a progression of pieces of context. For instance, there’s a handful of people who’ve done work that’s similar to me, but in different regimes/with different parameters, so each of them get a paragraph describing what they do, indicating how it’s relevant to this work, and how it fits in to this narrative arc that ends with your excellent work. This is the main narrative, so write down all the chunks of relevant material on small pieces of paper, clear your kitchen table, and shuffle them around until you’ve got a sequence that flows and makes logical sense for your work. Ideally, you want this to be as linear an arrow as possible pointing directly to your work.

      4.) Once you’ve built the arrow pointing to your work, lay out your work. There’s a progression of work within your thesis, so do the same thing with shuffling bits of paper to find the most linear arrow through your research, and write that down.

      5.) For a paper, I then go right into “Section 2 covers blah blah blah, etc” and get on with it, but for the dissertation intro I think a bit emphasizing why this is important work that fills a gap of knowledge may be a good idea. Generally you have to put a “Statement of Originality” or some such in the front matter, but after you’ve laid out the context in which your work exists and the particular material that your thesis covers, a paragraph or two tying that off is probably a good idea before the “Chapter 2 covers xyz” bit.

      I have no idea if that’s helpful, and obviously depending on what you’re researching that may be more or less applicable to your research. But I find having a formula to start from makes it soooo much easier to work on, even if the end result doesn’t follow the same formula.

    7. ehmgeebee +5

      Completed a humanities diss and I relied heavily on http://www.mytomatoes.com

      It’s free, you get to keep track of your work in 20-minute increments, and it made it much easier to manage my time. Writing for X hours in a day was easier for me to accomplish than writing X pages in a day.

      When I was really, really stuck at the early part of the process, I hired a short-term dissertation coach. She was fine, but did give a piece of very productive and therapeutic piece of advice: treat chapter construction like lesson planning (desired learning outcomes? great, how will you get there? provide argument/evidence to lead the learners to your conclusion).

      When I was really, really, really stuck, my partner gave me the best advice: it’s not something you HAVE to do, it’s something you GET to do. People you admire and respect are making time to read what you’re writing and offer you feedback. It’s an awesome opportunity, not just a festival of suffering.

    8. ppyajunebug +3

      Thanks for all the advice everyone!

      I won’t defend until June, but I’ve got so much else going on with lab and TAing that it was agreed (between me and my therapist, who is basically the person I freak out to about all this) that starting now and working on it every weekend would be a good plan. I’m starting with the intro since my committee was concerned about my knowledge of the literature- this way I can send it to them after my adviser and I have worked on it and say SEE I’M FINE LET ME GOOOO

      1. ellehmariat +1

        Hi, we are on the same schedule! I am also going to be defending in June and have just started writing. I set a schedule for myself but I have no idea how I am going to keep up with it. My biggest problem is balancing dissertation writing with the actual research work that is still ongoing.

        But, I know we can both do it! Only a few more months 🙂 I keep reminding me of that quote that’s something like “the best dissertation is a done dissertation”.

        1. ppyajunebug +3

          Would you want to maybe be check-in partners? We could exchange writing schedules/goals for the week and check in with each other to see how things are going. All my friends here have already defended, so I’m pretty much relying on my own panic at the thought of not being able to finish it all to get it done.

          1. ellehmariat +3

            This sounds great! I need to figure out how to set realistic goals though, because I am already imagining the excuses I’m going to make to tell you why I haven’t met my goals, and we haven’t even started yet!

            I talk to my therapist pretty much exclusively about grad school. I really don’t want to have to rely on the panic to finish it!

          2. ellehmariat +1

            This is a little late to reply, but is there a way you can be reached other than on open thread? My email is my toast name at gmail.

    9. lemonadefish +1

      I haven’t done a dissertation, but for my undergrad thesis, I had detailed schedules for every single day of the last several months of the semester (like, scheduled snack breaks and sleep times and everything) so I wouldn’t wander off randomly. I looked at what I had to end up with, and just worked backwards to see how much needed to be done each week. Also I lived with four or five other thesising seniors, and we all just wrote and made pie a lot.

      My grad school “degree project” didn’t have a written component, so it was more about just sitting in studio every waking moment working, and then just presenting what I ended up with.

      In both cases, all my friends were in my programs, so I really didn’t have many distractions. No one was trying to make me go do fun things or anything, because they all had just as much to do as I did. So, I guess my advise is, make sure you can’t see anyone having any fun ever, and make some pies. And remember it’s all temporary.

    10. Mike +3

      In advice that sounds not very serious, but is actually very helpful…. When I started writing my dissertation I was told “write drunk, but edit sober”. The theory being that drinking loosens you up, so that if you are stuck it will help just to get it from your brain on to the paper. Then later, not drunk, you can edit.

      Although I had just had a baby, so about 1/2 of mine was written in grocery store parking lots watching a sleeping baby while my spouse went in to go shopping.

  47. longlostlullaby +38

    The Toast: Am I the only one who just feels like no desire to ever buy a place of their own? Mortgages are for SO LONG and I have no idea where I’d want to live for that long. The bank owning a home that I have to pay them money for the rest of my life for and also having to pay for all the repairs and also if something bad happens my credit might be ruined and also and also just sounds so incredibly unappealing to me. I’m 28 now so who knows, I might be bitten by the home ownership bug suddenly 10 years from now. But for now it just all seems like way more heartache than it’s worth.

    1. Ethylbenzene +21

      I’m 38 and have never had any desire to own a home. Aside from my personal ecological reasons (sprawl, commute distances, LAWNS), I just don’t want that kind of responsibility. When my pipes froze this weekend I called my landlady and she is dealing with plumbers and maintenance guys and whatnot while I go grocery shopping as planned.

      1. longlostlullaby +6

        All of these things too! Why yes, I’d much rather have to buy a car to drive an hour to work instead of taking cheap public transportation.

        1. Apfelmoose +7

          I grew up in England, where tenancies can be ended with one month’s notice and rent rises can be whatever the landlord believes the market will allow. Tenants have no stability in their lives and often aren’t allowed to drill holes in the walls, let alone keep pets.

          Now I live in a rent-controlled apartment, owned by a nonprofit landlord, in a city where tenants’ rights are comparatively excellent and my dog has her own lease with the landlord. Buying just doesn’t make sense right now and I’d rather invest the money in other things, like retraining.

          I do not plan to have children, so that is also a factor.

          1. bookwormV +9

            Yeah, as someone in the UK I would quite like to buy some day (but am in no rush) because it would be nice to actually have a cat, or choose what colour the walls are, or put artwork up. In a rented place, none of that is likely to be possible.

    2. freshwaterpearl +21

      I’m a renter in my early thirties and I waffle. Mostly because I’m aware that all the money I’ve spent on rent isn’t building any kind of equity for me, it’s just gone. I don’t really want housework to become a bigger part of my life, though, and I would have a lot to learn if I bought an actual house and was solely responsible for it, so I don’t know.

      1. longlostlullaby +13

        That’s kind of how I feel about mortgage payments. You spend all that money on the house and then you finish paying but now you’re probably old and maybe you don’t even have much longer to live in that house before you move to a condo or retirement community. So I guess then you have to hope someone wants to buy your house for more than you sunk into it over the years.

        My knowledge of mortgages and house buying is probably not 100% accurate.

        1. freshwaterpearl +4

          You can sell your house before it’s paid off, and then the idea is some of the purchase price goes to pay off the remaining balance on your mortgage, and the rest is cash in your pocket. But you do have to hope someone wants to pay more than what you’ve sunk into it, or that doesn’t work.

      2. GoatseFanfic +5

        I get the equity thing ,but also I’ve known probably more people than not whose homes didn’t just keep magically rising in value or didn’t rise enough beyond the cost of living anywhere else that they could ever actually get their money back selling the place and moving, and nothing sucks like being broke and housepoor in an ant-infested money pit in the crappy boondocks you could actually afford to own property in

        I’m pretty sure the era where the middle class could reliably make money speculating on real estate has come and gone, and unless you got insider knowledge or already wanna live in one of the cities that’s gonna blow up in the next decade or two a house is a smart “investment” on the order of a boat.

    3. Xolandra +25

      I bought a house because it is what you do and ADULTING IS SO HARD. If i had it to do all over again, I would NEVER have purchased. Renting is totally a reasonable option (and the only one in some parts of the world!)

        1. Xolandra +11

          I mean, there are pros: I don’t have to worry about my music being too loud and I picked my hood so that the neighbours would not lose their minds if I don’t mow the lawn, but the cons (how to pick a contractor? Do i need to redo my foundation? What if the heat goes off while i am away for Christmas? How do I install insulation? DO i install insulation, or hire a professional? And if I am ripping my walls apart anyway, should I also put new windows in? Is this this year’s vacation now? Do I repair or replace my furnace? Tankless hot water? Or a smaller tank? Seriously, city, I have been complaining about the lack of drainage for 2 years and JUST NOW you are going to monitor it? WTF, what do I do about this couple screaming at each other feet away from my house and her refusing to go inside and it is -20 and AUGH) FAR outweigh them, imo.

      2. Ivans_Sister +7

        I bought a condo at the height of the housing bubble and before the Great Recession. I am in escrow right now on a bigger, better place, and will be selling the original condo for far less than I bought it. It took me 11 years to get so that I’m no longer owing more than the place is worth. So yeah, I wish I hadn’t bought. I think after going through that, we should ALL be considering whether or not home ownership is right for us. It isn’t necessarily a given for so many reasons.

        1. Ethylbenzene +6

          Yeah, I think that in the US, home ownership is presented so much as the thing to do, how real adulting is done, etc., such that nobody really thinks about whether it’s the right choice for them.

          1. deleted9457019 +4

            We have a lot of policies promoting home ownership I guess because it’s supposed to drive prosperity? But the city with the highest proportion of renters in NYC and the country with the highest proportion of renters is Switzerland.

    4. longlostlullaby +15

      Also I’m 29 and have been since September. I’m going to assume that was a typo and not me forgetting how old I am.

    5. deleted9457019 +14

      Don’t buy a house unless you feel like renting leaves you unable to do what you want with your place, imo.

      All the more if you think you might need to move for a job!

      1. GoatseFanfic +4

        if you shop around there’s a huge range in what rentals will let you do with the place, too. I’ve had landlords that didn’t give a shit about amateur home “improvements” and ones that didn’t care about the welding shop in the basement, the scrapyard in the back, the hippie sleeping on the couch, or the chem lab in the spare bathroom so long as I didn’t let any cats inside.

        1. Ethylbenzene +4

          ::nods:: Our landlord lets us paint AND is pet-friendly and totally reasonable about rent increases. We’ve also been allowed to paint and install stuff like a pot rack in the kitchen, new kitchen shelves, and a hanging bike rack. Sure some of that stuff will come with us when we move eventually, but I’m sure if we wanted to do something more extensive, they’d be fine with that.

    6. leslieellenjones +14

      I bought my first place at 50, because that was when I finally felt secure enough in a job that I could contemplate staying there for a significant period, and also because it was the one tiny window when I could actually afford LA real estate. My place is a co-op, so the responsibility for major repairs is mitigated, and I actually rather enjoy figuring out how to fix things that I’m responsible for. And I will point out the one advantage of a mortgage (at least the fixed-rate variety): your monthly payment stays the same. Forever. Last year I realized that if I were still renting, prices have gone up so incredibly that I could not afford to live anywhere I want to in this city and my commute would be hell. Likewise, my brother and his wife, also in their 50s, are considering buying after years of insisting they prefer to rent, because they are sick of their landlords deciding to sell the house out from under them–it’s happening for the third time in a row now.

      All that said, there’s no reason to buy a house if you don’t want to/aren’t ready. There are good arguments on both sides.

    7. Angelan_ +4

      Yes! I have a deposit saved, but honestly I’m too irresponsible to own a building and I’m allergic to solitude.

    8. hapsatou +9

      I am a bit older than you and no where near home ownership either in large part because I haven’t found a part of the world I would commit to long term (25 years is sooo long to stay in one place). I think this is ok!

      Home ownership as a mandatory adulting stepping stone is very country specific, big in U.S and Ireland for example but much rarer in countries like Germany and they seem ok?

    9. SmrtCookie +15

      There are so many different factors that go into figuring out whether buying or renting is the better personal or financial choice! I wish the US wasn’t so invested in the whole ‘homeownership is great and something all adults should do’ thing. It’s great for some people! And terrible for others! Much like just about everything else!

      1. fakely_mctest +4

        Agreed for sure. I live in a really high COL area and even though my place is great and I totally lucked into a below market rent with a ultra-conscientious landlord (seriously, my apartment remains the luckiest thing that has happened to me in MY ENTIRE LIFE) my rent still goes up a tiny bit every year and because of the nature of my job (and my marketable skills, ugh) I’m not likely to find a higher paying position.

        Maybe it helps that my dream place is just a modestly-sized condo that isn’t in one of the “hot” neighborhoods? Don’t care about having a detached house, but building equity is important to me because I don’t know that I’ll ever find a partner and so I worry about my old age. Also I don’t see the tax code changing anytime soon so having that write-off seems pretty sweet.

    10. EllaAstor +7

      The only time I truly want to buy a house is when I’m obsessively scrolling through houzz.com and dreaming of my you know dream kitchen (with a copper hood and Tuscan style cabinets and ancient-wood countertops) and 15′ high ceilings and walls of glass and an indoor swimming pool. However, I can’t afford any of that, and I currently love love love my apartment with its 12′ high ceilings and huge windows and open kitchen — the one room I hate is the bathroom that I call “Ugly Betty” (Imagine grey/black dotted linoleum and cheesy faux marble counters, and I can’t figure out how to decorate it). I have owned a townhouse in a time when townhouses weren’t a popular ownership choice in my state, and I ended up having to give the house back to the mortgage company when I got a job across the country (I couldn’t sell it even though the value of the townhouse was at $58,000 and I was selling for $48,000 … so this was a while ago). But I like the idea of being able to move without having a house to sell (since it’s bitten me once) and also I hate yard work and the possibility of having bad neighbors that you can’t move away from (or can have apartment management yell at). But then, I browse through Houzz.com and think “If only …”. That lasts for a few hours and then I realize I can decorate my apartment and it’s all good and it’s big enough and I don’t have to worry about keeping the kitchen and bathroom up-to-date so I can sell it and live through expensive construction and the mess and and and. So I can both dream and be happy with what I have, even if there’s some cognitive dissonance sometimes.

    11. loren_smith +4

      Yup! My husband and I talk about this a lot. We could hypothetically pay cash for a cheaper condo in our market, but have no interest in taking the plunge. We’ve seen so much heartache come to people we know who have bought. I’ll continue to exchange a (comparatively) small amount of money for a place I can walk away from whenever I choose.

    12. RoseCamelia +4

      I hate being a homeowner. But it’s something I do as a compromise in my marriage.

      However, I was, for a few years, so very relieved that I had a mortgage and was not a renter. That was 2008 until 2012. The economy crashed. Landlords were liquidating their assets in a panic, selling their properties, forcing renters to find other housing.

      When the economy crashed I lost my job and Mr Rose was a student. We managed to make our mortgage payments, barely.

      But had we been renters forced to apply for a lease in a new building, we would not have qualified, having almost zero income. We would have been homeless if we had been renters.

    13. houblonchouffe +6

      I never had any desire to until I realized that purchasing was literally the only way I’d be able to afford to live where I wanted to live. The rental market here is CATASTROPHIC and we’d be paying easily 40% more for a two-bedroom apartment than we do for our 3 (or 4 or 5, depending on how you count) bedroom house that has enough space for a vegetable garden. Do we have an absolutely lunatic neighbor? Yes, we do, but we also have enough space for each of us to be solitary if we feel like it, we have nearly our very own beach, and doing basic home repairs has been way more cool than I ever thought it would be–knowing that it’s possible to swap out power outlets was remarkably affirming, and knowing how to do it myself is like, one less thing I ever have to ask someone to do for me.

      Our mortgage will be paid off sometime around the same time that MrChouffe is pension-eligible, which is remarkably good timing and also completely accidental so yay?

      ANYWAY I guess what I am saying is that home ownership is not something I ever saw in my future but sometimes circumstances dictate your choices, and it has been overall a good experience.

    14. Goomaly +8

      I like what my grandparents did: buy a duplex and rent out the other half, then 20 years later get a reverse mortgage and retire in [even more] style.

      On the other hand if there’s ever a community college Certificate for “Handywomanship: how to fix all your shit” then I will sign up for that so fast and also start trolling Zillow.

      1. freshwaterpearl +10

        Ugh I feel so nervous seeing anyone promote reverse mortgages, though, my grandparents had one and the payments got absolutely devoured by stupid bank fees. If they’d just kept the house and then sold it when they moved into assisted living there would have been so much more money to pay for their care, and instead my mom spent long, frustrated hours on the phone with the bank. It’s a great scheme for a bank going after people who are probably going to become unable to advocate for themselves at some point before the exchange is complete.

        1. Goomaly +6

          I’m glad you mentioned that. I know that reverse mortgages, like annuities, have a well-deserved reputation for being predatory. However there are valid reasons and legit sources for both.

      2. houblonchouffe +1

        My dad and stepmom just did this a couple of years ago and they’re definitely coming out ahead.

    15. Faintly_Macabre +4

      Until last year, I had no desire to own a home–I saw it as a way to get tied down to a specific city and a lot of responsibility. Now, I am planning to buy a home before the end of the year! There are two big reasons: I’ve had a series of really crappy, neglectful landlords, and the city I live in is currently affordable but is not going to stay that way for long. Example of the former: my current landlord is trying to dock us for every nail in the walls but insists the squirrels inside the house are mice and won’t get an exterminator. Example of the latter: a friend who pays $500/month in my neighborhood looked at a place on the same block for $350/month two years ago. I’ve watched multiple neighborhoods here go from half-vacant to wildly unaffordable in the past ten years.

      My choice is basically choose a neighborhood a little farther out that I think will stay/turn into one I like and buy a home there now, or continue renting and be essentially at the mercy of gentrification. I resent having to make the choice, but I’m also very fortunate that I have the choice–as the universities take over my city and it gets an influx of people who couldn’t quite afford NYC/Boston, a lot of people here face rising rents with no options.

    16. lemonadefish +6

      I am a home owner. It is 20% awesome and 80% an expensive, demoralizing time suck. If you do not feel the drive to own a home, do not let anyone talk you into it! Renting is amazing.

    17. sneepsnake +7

      So, we bought a house, and will buy another one after the BIG MOVE this summer is complete. Why? Because college towns in the middle of nowhere are complete shit in terms of finding a rental that is well-maintained and not in the middle of a big college student party. Also, buying is so much cheaper than renting–even with insurance and budgeting a monthly allowance for repairs/maintenance and property taxes, we pay at least 50% less per month than we would for a comparable rental property, plus we’re building equity.

      ETA: I should say buying is cheaper than renting in college towns in the middle of nowhere. YMMV in other real estate markets, of course.

    18. illyria83 +3

      I’m nearly 33 and am so relieved to find I’m not alone with this. Especially as a single person with anxiety, I just don’t think I could handle the stress. I’m not completely opposed if I either had a partner with decent income and/or a substantial amount of savings for both down payment and all the random shit that comes up. But otherwise, not a chance.

    19. quotidianc +3

      I’m still happily renting in my mid-30s, even though I could afford to buy. I think a lot of people underestimate the advantages of renting in terms of flexibility and risk of large maintenance costs, and I don’t think there’s as much guaranteed money in buying as most people seem to. We’re paying 4.3% of what our landlord paid for the flat a couple of years ago, which is probably more than his mortgage interest, but still seems a reasonable deal to me. Plus, I’m not good with commitment, and while I might choose to stay in the same flat for 5+ years, making a decision up front that we intend to stay somewhere for several years is something I find difficult, and house hunting and buying seems like such a hassle.

      I do have some hankering for a space we have more control over (why yes, I do have a top 5 things I would change if it were mine list), so we will probably buy somewhere eventually, but I’m not in any hurry.

    20. hummingrose +1

      I’m 41 and was never in a position to buy a home until very recently; even though I thought for years it was a worthy goal, in the last year or so I’ve realized I’m not interested. I love my neighborhood for a lot of reasons, but the pickings on condos in the area (I’m single, no kids, not particularly interested in a house even if there were any) are okay but slim. Buying would almost certainly mean moving to a less convenient neighborhood.

      I do still want to buy eventually – it would be nice to have a second bedroom – but in the meanwhile there’s a decent hotel right across the street, so my parents can stay there when they visit, and I have a very nice apartment, and I’m right across the street (in the other direction) from a metro station. And if something breaks, it gets fixed for me.

    22. octopoda +3

      I think it is understandable completely. The main motivators for us to buy a house:

      1) Housing in Seattle is getting insane, and our rents were looking to cost as much as a mortgage soon anyway,

      2) We have pets (lots of pets) and it is really nice to have some space for our dogs instead of having them in an apartment.

      But, my sister and her fiance are looking for a house now and it’s pretty stressful and crazy (as prices have only gone up from the ~2 years when we got ours). Plus as you mentioned, all the maintenance is expensive.

  48. paddlepickle +14

    Can I engage in some shameless bragging and also ask for advice?

    Bragging (I think I feel entitled to do this because I’ve never even had a boyfriend on Valentine’s day before, much less one this awesome): We couldn’t spend Valentine’s Day together because I had a friend in town, but my boyfriend schemed with my roommates to come over to my house while I was away and leave a big cheese basket with a card too adorable for words.

    Advice: As I mention before, I do not have a history of good and fulfilling romantic relationships, and I also have some anxiety issues, and as a result I am having a really hard time believing that this guy is as wonderful as he seems to be. We’ve been seeing each other for three months now and things are just now getting serious, and all indications are that he’s ridiculously amazing, but I just have this OCD-like fixation that’s convincing me there must be something really wrong with him that is as yet hidden from me. I know it has to do mostly with my own self esteem and not feeling worthy of a good relationship, but, ugh. Has anyone else experienced this, and can you tell me how to stop?

    1. geekcrackteam +5

      Its me!

      I don’t have any solutions, my relationships have never lasted long enough to need them.

      1. paddlepickle +3

        Lol. Well in the unlikely event that this guy doesn’t turn out to be a serial killer, I’ll let you know what I figure out!

        1. geekcrackteam +9

          My instinct would be to be honest with him; say something like ‘Hey, sometimes my brain likes to fuck with me and tell me things that aren’t true, please be cool with it and forgive me when I call you 10,000 times because you forgot your phone and home and I think your dead.’ (actual thing that has happened to me. more than once.)

          1. paddlepickle +7

            That is a good point! I have shared some things about my jerkbrain with him, but not this specifically. But, it was sort of easier to share “My anxiety brain has convinced me you are going to break up with me tomorrow” than “now it is sort of clear you aren’t going to dump me tomorrow, my anxiety brain is convinced you’re a crazy and bad person”, since the last one is way more insulting to him.

            It is also nice to hear that I’m not the only one who operates under the assumption that anyone who does not answer their phone on the first ring is deceased.

          2. geekcrackteam +5

            Definitely not the only one. I wonder if it’s a women only thing? All the men I know are very cavalier about letting phones die or forgetting them, and they don’t seem to understand the anxiety it causes the women around them.

            Either they’re dead or they have decided they now hate me.

          3. lemonadefish +5

            My husband often texts to ask me if I am dead if I don’t get home within 5 minutes of when he expects me.

    2. SmrtCookie +4

      Oh hi! After my evil ex my self esteem was so garbage that I literally thought the next guy I dated was in cahoots with evil ex to somehow hurt me. Because the new dude was so great and checked all my boxes (not that way!) (also yes, in that way!) and if all that was for real then he wouldn’t be dating me. I wish I could tell you how to make it stop. For me I think it was the combination of journaling (or therapy or talking to trusted friends) to reinforce just how ridiculous that idea was plus leaning in and thinking about the worst case scenario and how I would handle it.

      1. paddlepickle +8

        Thanks so much for sharing that! I was too embarrassed to share the specifics of the weird things going through my brain, but they are. . .similarly unlikely. You also reminded me of how when my good friend started dating her boyfriend I had to talk her down from worrying that he was only dating her for her dog. Because it’s very common for men to enter serious committed relationships in order to gain access to a small and nervous Australian Shepherd mix. Just hearing that other people’s brains do this to them is helpful (although my anxiety-brain is still like, ‘no they were just having anxiety but YOUR boyfriend is truly terrible’).

    3. EmpressofBland +5

      Cheese basket! He is probably as wonderful as he seems.

      Seriously though, I have been married for 8 years and I still wake up every morning like, “this will be the day my husband realises I have tricked him into spending his life with someone so much less great than him”. Can’t tell you how to “fix” it, but it’s definitely not just you.

      Statistically though, if there is something wrong with him, it’s more likely to be that he doesn’t like dogs, and less likely to be a cellar full of murdered nannies. So. There’s that.

      1. paddlepickle +1

        But I know he likes dogs because he sends me endless videos of puppies playing with baby goats. So he has to be a serial killer, right?

        Thank you, though 🙂

  49. StillT +7

    A request, Toasts. My wife is a fan of erotic literature, and has been quite disappointed in some of her recent selections, for various reasons – lack of consent, entirely too much focus on violence/punishment, just generally poorly written (not 50 Shades bad, but not good either), etc.

    I know I’ve seen suggestion threads in the past, so I figured I’d ask here if anyone has suggestions that I can pass along.

    Thanks!

      1. Ethylbenzene +3

        With a caveat about the last book being not at all sexy and frankly extremely distressing on a number of levels as I believe we have discussed here at great length 🙂

        1. Becca Rose +1

          Ah, I haven’t finished the series so I wouldn’t know! I’ve read book 1 and have friends who enjoyed the rest of them.

          1. Ethylbenzene +3

            The first four are really terrific and really worth reading! I won’t spoil anything specific but really take the trigger warning at the beginning of it to heart.

    3. Faith +1

      If she’s interested in blogs as well as fiction, Girl On The Net writes an amazing sex blog (+rants about feminism which are also great) and she has also written two sort-of autobiographies which are available on Amazon and she is pretty good at recommending other stuff to read.

    4. Xolandra +2

      I quite enjoyed the first S.E.C.R.E.T book, the second… not so much? Haven’t gotten to the third yet. But the first one was a lovely page turner and the books are actively feminist. I don’t remember the author’s name (she is Canadian, tho), and it was originally published under a pseudonym, but there should be enough here for a Google search.

      O, and a collection called Black Silk is delightful, imo.

    5. deleted6984769 +2

      One of my best friends just started writing m/m romance and I of course am biased but honestly I think her writing is delightful whether I know her or not – her writing name is Roan Parrish and her first book is In the Middle of Somewhere. The second one is going to be published very soon, maybe tomorrow? https://roanparrish.com/

    6. lynx137

      Jennifer Crusie and Courtney Milan write romance novels, not erotica, so they might not suit your wife, but they’re both good, witty writers who are very mindful about consent.

  50. middlemarch +36

    Is anyone else struggling to comprehend that Scalia is dead? I genuinely thought he would live to be 99 out of pure cussedness. I feel… weirdly sad about his death?

    Even though I know the court will be shifted moderate to liberal for the first time in 40 years (thank goodness), he was one HELL of a legal writer, and I think there’s a lot of value in articulating the opposing view in the best, most vivid ways possible. Like. I think the world would be a far better place of more judges wrote in a style that is clear and accessible to people outside the legal field, and Scalia was a champion of that. Like, RBG’s opinions are so great in part because they are responses to his ideas. He made judges who opposed him articulate their ideas in the clearest and best ways possible.

    (And with that, I will say no more nice things re: Scalia.)

    1. redheadedwolf +21

      Thank you for this comment, honestly! This was the most balanced and genuine expression of appreciation I’d seen yet, and I didn’t mind it one bit.

    2. deleted9457019 +20

      It’s pretty easy to write funny, scathing dissents when the majority opinion is some porridge-like musings from Kennedy.

      1. middlemarch +14

        RIGHT?! But also, even though I’m more inclined to side with Kennedy in most things, I think there’s a real respect for ~the democratic process~ that is shown in Scalia’s writing style. I think it’s genuinely impressive that a justice wrote in such a way that the average person was able to a) understand what he was saying and b) get a general sense of his judicial philosophy.

        SO. MANY. OPINIONS. are just an exercise in hiding the ball and trying to deftly hide what the justice really thinks/feels. With Scalia, you always knew. Sometimes – most times – what he thought/felt was pretty horrifying! But I’d far rather know exactly what he thought, as opposed to someone like, idk, Alito?, who will come to the same conclusion, but in the most boring and fusty way possible.

      1. middlemarch +14

        Right?? When thinking about the future of the court in the next eight years, it LITERALLY DIDN’T EVEN OCCUR to me that he could die! For some reason I only think that centrist and liberal judges die before reaching 100!

    4. Sara +14

      I am a total lefty and I assume from the ones I’ve read that I hate 100% of Scalia’s opinions, but in an effort to move on a path toward RBG levels of enlightenment, I will add two things that I think are important about him.

      1. he said about his friendship with RBG: “If you can’t disagree ardently with your colleagues about some issues of law and yet personally still be friends, get another job, for Pete’s sake,” which is a very Scaliacious thing to say, but also true and correct and does make me respect him.

      2. He (indirectly) gave us the gift of the Scalia insult generator, and when I visited it today in his honour, it said: “One would think that Trump’s thoughts are the growth of a diseased root. I could go on.” and also: “One would think that The Donald’s views are genetic jiggery pokery. One is tempted to shield his eyes from the upcoming spectacle.” YES. (…and I think I just fell off the enlightened path. Oh well) http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/l…

      1. OoTheHumanities +1

        Thank you for this! I just got “One would think that Ted Cruz’s opinions are like some ghoul in a late-night horror movie that repeatedly sits up in its grave and shuffles abroad after being repeatedly killed and buried. Really?”

    5. hapsatou +24

      I have many thoughts on this so I will try to be brief:
      1. I liked reading Scalia opinions in that they were easy to read but I cannot separate the clarity of writing from decisions that had disastrous consequences for so many. His tenure on the bench did real harm to many real people and I shall not miss him for that alone.

      2. A generation of lawyers have gone through law school reading Scalia’s opinions and I’m sure that will have far reaching effects on how future judges write going forward.

      3. RBG’s opinions are great because of who she is and I would really hesitate to attribute any of her greatness to him, some of her more memorable dissents were on opinions written by Alito, Rehnquist, and Roberts.

      1. middlemarch +8

        “I liked reading Scalia opinions in that they were easy to read but I cannot separate the clarity of writing from decisions that had disastrous consequences for so many. His tenure on the bench did real harm to many real people and I shall not miss him for that alone. ”

        Completely fair! I know a lot of people feeling this and… yes. That’s probably the most legitimate response to all of this.

      2. redheadedwolf +10

        For 3., I agree that RBG’s awesomeness is entirely her own, but I know I read a quote somewhere recently that she herself said she could sharpen her dissents after reading his opinions, so that’s where that idea is coming from.

    6. sneepsnake +27

      My mom called me when she heard the news, and the minute I picked up the phone she started singing “How do you solve a problem like Scalia” which made me laugh and then made me feel like a bad person. But man I love my mom.

  51. Becca Rose +14

    Toasties, I MAY be getting Beyonce tickets this week! (A friend has a presale code so we’re betting on getting in.) I think my life might be changed by this experience.

  52. Unreadaethel +23

    My grandmother passed away over the weekend, after 7 weeks in hospice care. She and Grandpa recently moved into an actual nursing home attached to the hospital my uncle manages (well, a hospital part of the hospital network of which he is the administrator), which is great. The semi-assisted living facility they were in before wasn’t attached to either a hospital or a hospice, so it would have been difficult for Grandpa to visit her. But fortunately, the three facilities are all connected, and there are staff who are trained in the transition between stages of life and health.

    1. Ethylbenzene +4

      I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your grandma and grandpa have great care, which is wonderful and I hope comforting to you.

    2. RoseCamelia +3

      I am so sorry, Toastfriend. Wishing you time enough to grieve and and lifetime of lovely memories.

      1. Unreadaethel +6

        Well, she’s Grandpa’s second wife, so it’s really only about 15 years of lovely memories.

    1. arachnidette +2

      Oooh thanks! That looks like fun.

      I’ve been listening to Bomba Estereo nonstop, “Fiesta” has been stuck in my head all week and I am ok with that.

      1. Xolandra +1

        This is excellent and I need their album! But I hate that the first words I understood of the Will Smith remix are “Ola Mama sita/ Go get me a beer-a”. *grump grump grump*

    2. hapsatou +2

      Thank you for sharing this and for introducing me to this journal. It looks like it has a ton of super interesting articles!

      1. Xolandra +1

        Yeah! A friend sent me a photo essay about Russian people with African heritage, and I went “wait what?” and then I was like “well of COURSE”, and devoured the article. The playlist was at the bottom of it, and I cannot wait to have some time to spend pouring through their archive ^_^

  54. GingerHawk +25

    Toasties, I just need to do a little ranting today. My boss has been going on all morning about the new furniture he’s getting for his living room (including a couch that he asked me to help move into his house this past Thursday, I said No), and going on about the cost of this $900 sectional couch. What’s frustrating about this is that while my needs are certainly met, my own finances are tight – not least of all because this job underpays and when I asked for a raise last year, it “wasn’t in the budget,” despite my having had 3 years of excellent reviews. Now we’re at review time again this year, and my boss has already mentioned that I’ll have a glowing review again, and that it will net me nothing. I do not plan on staying in this job much past October, but the whole couch thing is really starting to get on my nerves. He’s not purposefully doing it, he’s just being oblivious, but I kind of want to yell at him about how his couch is more than I take home in a two-week period and it’s only Monday and I am thinking this is not going to be a great week.

    1. leslieellenjones +12

      I wouldn’t yell at him. But I don’t know if I could prevent myself from quietly observing that fact in his presence.

    2. Becca Rose +28

      Oh man…I am a receptionist, so I open the mail, and seeing that one of my bosses pays more per month in local country club membership fees than I make in TWO months..yeah, I feel your pain a little.

    3. bird_internet +16

      Not to be obtuse but $900 for a sectional is a crazy good deal, even at Ikea they usually run like $1500.

      But yeah, what kind of boss thinks it’s appropriate to ask a subordinate to help him move? I think you would be excused for occasionally muttering “I don’t get paid enough to deal with this shit.”

      1. GingerHawk +8

        Oh I completely agree, it’s an excellent bargain and I would likely be excited about it as well. But, with my friends. And yeah, the whole asking to help move his couch in . . . he thinks we’re close friends, honestly, but just because we can have a friendly conversation that does not make us friends.

  55. onehundredthjen +26

    Toasts, it has been eight whole days since Gertie last pooped on the floor. I think… I think she’s remembered how to cat, for now.

    Here is a picture of Atticus in a shark bed:

    How are your cats?

    1. houblonchouffe +9

      My cats are curled up with MrChouffe on what we’ve affectionately dubbed The Peen Couch, as it is where all the boys hang out. MrChouffe works in local government so he has the day off, and is spending it reading on The Peen Couch with the small furry house-otters that are our felines.

    3. irreverantontheinternet +4

      I so dearly wish my cats would use a shark bed! Alas, of the three none of them like enclosed bed spaces. They just lie on top. It’s box or bust when it comes to be surrounded on most sides.

      1. onehundredthjen +6

        I honestly wasn’t sure either of mine would use the shark bed, and I made myself come to terms with the possibility that Gertie would shit in it before I bought it.

        Also I was afraid that they would sense the intensity of my desire that they use the cat bed, and that this would serve as a powerful repellent.

        But it has worked out so far!

    4. hammocknap +4

      My cats are being shockingly patient about the fact that the extremely cold weather combined with the fact that I just got a new camera means they’ve had to suffer through an unreasonable number of photo shoots this weekend.

    5. lemonadefish +7

      It has been reported that my floor shitter is no longer shitting the floor at his new abode, so I’d say we’re much improved! He was such a pain for so long that I don’t even miss him, and he’s happier without a) a toddler and b) being locked in a tiny room all the time.

      The other cat is just the same as always. The toddler has learned to operate the latch on the food bin, and like to feed the cat all the time. The cat does not mind.

  56. J_M +59

    I woke up this morning and my yard was filled with wild turkeys! Like, 20 of them. They were walked politely through the grass, pecking at seeds and making sweet little noises, for about 45 minutes. Some people think they’re a menace but I love them and I want them to come back every day.

    1. sausagedog +11

      I love wild turkeys! They’re really beautiful birds, so shiny and tall. There’s a family of them that lives at my work, and I like seeing them when I go out for a walk around the grounds. Sometimes they’re standing on the hillock by my car at the end of the day, a little ruffled by all the commotion of departing workers & making those little inquisitive “mrrrrrp?” noises.

      1. tinypaperme +2

        I live near a giant park that has turkeys and sometimes I find their shiny bronze feathers and bring them home for the cat to play with.

      2. J_M +1

        Yes, those noises! And “shiny and tall” really is a great way to describe them.
        It would be lovely if they decided to settle down in the shade and cluck quietly, too.
        I scoured the yard for shed feathers after they left, but no luck, sadly. Although my dog was super excited to sniff the turkey poop, so that’s something.

    2. spring chickens +8

      I looove wild turkeys. Also the way they like to settle down in groups beneath shade trees, and cluck quietly.

    3. aurorabirdialis +4

      I love seeing wild turkeys. You’re not alone. They’re fun. Honestly, any wild animal sighting makes me happy. Hence why I teach outdoor ed, I suppose.

    4. m98widow +4

      Whenever we see our neighborhood turkeys (usually travelling in packs of 6-7 but sometimes in a super pack of like 20), we imagine that they are a gang a la West Side Story. They are also enormous and will just stand in the road and give passing cars the eye. They are awesome.

  57. persimmonfan +11

    Anyone have any advice on asking for a raise? I should ask in about a month, although it’s not quite been a year (because our review cycles inevitably are later than when the budget is set!). I’ve made a list of major accomplishments/ways my position has been expanded from my predecessor, and I was thinking of sending an email laying some of it out and giving my boss a heads up that I would be asking for this, since that seems like the most successful way people past have been able to ask for raises.
    I’m also going to ask for…a lot. I want to ask for eight k more, but maybe I should ask for five? It feels super early but I know I’m also the current goto website person since we only have a laughably expensive contractor. Filling that role has been a significant step since my predecessor wasn’t quite that person. Secondly, I’ve supervised a couple of major projects, and also our new part time hire is reporting to me. Lots of additional responsibilities!
    Does anyone have experience with this? When should I mention a number? (from my experience with my boss, I should mention a concrete number). Advice?

    1. geekcrackteam +6

      I don’t if I have any advice, but I went through this last year; it took me two months to work up to asking for a raise. In the end I just said ‘I think I’ve done some good work, and I like working here, I want a raise’ and my manager agreed and said he’d bring it to the higher ups.

      And then nothing. That was three months ago. So there’s that.

      1. PaigePoo +4

        Yes, always ask for more. If you ask for five, they may counter offer with 2.5, which would (possibly) be disappointing to you.

        Or, if you ask for five, they may say “yeah sure!” then you’ll be disappointed that you didn’t ask for eight!

        1. persimmonfan +1

          That’s super true. That was definitely the case with my initial negotiation. Offering a range meant taking the bottom of the range.

    3. Momthra +5

      Is 8k somewhere in the range of what they’d have to pay someone else (like a contractor) to do all the extra stuff you’re doing? If so, that seems like the right – and defensible – number to me.

    5. almond_moon +5

      I would look to see what other people in similar fields are making (Glassdoor, Transparent CA, etc) to make sure you’re on par with your industry. Ask fellow employees/peers in your field with similar experiences, if you’re comfortable with that. It sounds like you are transitioning to a managerial position and your tasks are expanding. I would ask for 10k and see what happens. If you get it, hooray! If they think 10k is too high, negotiate closer to your original goal of 8k. You are obviously an awesome person. You deserve it.

  58. alula_auburn +65

    ohmygoodness am knocked out with the cuteness. Sweeties!

    in self-centered news, is there anyone signed up in Habitica or SuperBetter open to friending/inviting/allying/whatever-ing?

    Anywhere, here is my cat Maximum Toasting:

    5. Räven +4

      there is a Habitica guild called toastrons, who have a party. I don’t know if it’s grown too large to take in more friends, I’d ask there.

    6. EmpressofBland +5

      Literally joined Habitica yesterday. I have no idea whether I will last beyond the week, so I would not currently recommend entering an alliance with myself…

  59. fakely_mctest +43

    So a good friend of mine got really upset about my misgivings regarding Bernie Sanders, used the phrase “neoliberal hellscape” in complete seriousness, and stormed out of a gathering last night. This morning I found that he’s either blocked or unfollowed me on Twitter. I did reach out to say that we could talk about things if he wanted, but I also had some pretty stern words for passive aggressive social media stuff, because it’s mean and uncalled for.

    He says he doesn’t want to talk right now, which, fair enough. This is just pinging some issues for me: the time I went out with a hardcore Nader supporter and got condescended to a lot and the feeling that guys in my life only hang around until I say something they disagree with.

    Obviously I’m going to give my friend space, it just makes me sad.

    1. middlemarch +50

      If I have another man try to explain progressivism to me because I see Clinton as a more viable candidate, I will literally explode into a million tiny shards of molten light. What is up with liberal dudes and condescension?

      The conservative ones see me as wrongheaded, but they typically talk to me like we’re both grown ups and that’s… fine. Liberal dudes, of late, have felt the need to mansplain to me and it is the actual worst. Supporting the ACA’s contraception mandate doesn’t mean you can’t be a jerk to women!

      1. fakely_mctest +19

        At least in the case of the Nader ex it was because, until that election, he had literally not paid attention to politics at all. So he was a newly-minted leftist with that zeal for conversion that a lot of people get when they discover something new and awesome. I do see such a position as something that’s going to be gendered since the attacks on reproductive rights and other “women’s issues” have been fair game for base pandering since the Reagan administration. So I can remember the first pro-choice rally I went to as a wee sprog and I never felt that I had the luxury of tuning out.

    2. yellzee +25

      I feel like some male Sanders supporters just…. get blinders on when Hillary Clinton is concerned? Like, one of my otherwise very reasonable progressive male friends was absolutely convinced that she somehow fixed the coin tosses in IA–through magic, I guess? It was bizarre.

      Honestly I think there’s some unacknowledged sexism going on here, because I have not seen this level of venom towards any male politicians, many of whom have nearly identical records (e.g. Biden).

      This doesn’t make it any better when it happens with your friends, though. :/ Sorry you went through that.

      1. arachnidette +14

        I completely agree about the unacknowledged sexism. I like a lot of Sanders’ politics but I don’t really think he is that special. I declined an invite to a debate watch party last week partly because I just didn’t want to get into it with any of the super-Bernie fans who would be there who I generally like and usually agree with politically. Also there was a column by Charles Blow in the NY Times recently where he said that Sanders supporters needed to stop trying to explain to black people why they need to vote for Bernie. The same could be said of people explaining why women need to vote for Bernie.

  60. ladyimogen +6

    Guys has everyone already read Mr. Dog, aka if Ayn Rand wrote a Little Golden Book? He is the Dog Who Belonged to Himself and he eventually befriends a Boy Who Belongs to Himself and they only share food when they feel like it. Also he is scruffy and has an amazing old straw hat and bow tie. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KH-ljQvCk08

    1. firstmute +4

      Yesss! My daughter was obsessed with Mr. Dog for a while, so I had lots of time to think about the absurdity of radical independence. Margaret Wise Brown has lots of delightfully weird little texts. Scuppers the Sailor Dog operates on similar lines; it’s a sort of Robinson Crusoe fantasy.

  61. Becca Rose +34

    Yesterday I found out one of my friends disapproves of me being bi, and never said anything. Part of me is glad they didn’t ever say so to me, but the other part of me feels like an idiot for all the times I assumed they were a safe space, so I blithely would mention it without fear of judgement. Pretty sucky feeling.

    1. permanentteal +16

      Ugh I’m sorry about that. You have the right to assume that being with your friends is a safe space.

          1. Becca Rose +7

            Yeah, I am. The spouse is also my friend, but a far closer one. They mentioned it almost casually, as if I somehow already knew, which was probably also a contributing factor in how hurt I was.

          2. ayelltee +9

            Yeah, I’d be a leetle suspicious about the spouse, if s/he is passing the buck by saying, “it’s not ME, right, it’s THEM.”

            I totally get why you feel exposed. Years ago I found out that my (then VERY) conservative Christian brother and sis-in-law “disapproved” of my living with my now-husband before marriage. They never said anything when we visited or they visited us, but when we announced our engagement, my brother made a comment that was a tad stronger than “it’s about time” and I was all “wait, say that again?” and he told me how he and SIL had felt about our living together. I just…never thought I’d done anything that anyone would be disapproving of; and why was it their business anyway; and who cares enough about the minutia of my life to have opinions on it, etc etc etc. Like you, I was able to take comfort in the fact that they never said anything or made their disapproval known to me, so I passed it off to “people are weird, whatever”.

          3. Becca Rose +4

            Yeah, the spouse in this situation is definitely on the no-sex-before-marriage train, which is something I’ve tried to speak to them about gently before (because I am…not on board that particular train), but they have generally been supportive of me coming out as bi. Or I thought they were..now hearing that the original friend in this feels this way, I wonder if spouse feels that way too and has been keeping it to themselves.

  62. Social +61

    I’m playing hooky from work today (not really– just sick after a long weekend of friend’s birthdays + Valentine’s Day + germs from the 8-year-old).

    This weekend I proposed to my girlfriend, and she said yes! So now she is my fiancee. I talked to a lot of y’all about my hesitation to move forward over the past month or two, and appreciate all your input.

    In the end it came down to the fact that we’re moving in together, and she has an 8-year-old daughter. Somehow I could tell this bb girl was watching our relationship so I wanted to set a good expectation for her– it was important to her mom to get married, so we compromised on timing and then I proposed. I don’t see a future for myself that doesn’t involve my fiancee and her girl.

    (Plus I got to get down on one knee in a fancy restaurant. It was pretty great, as life experiences go. Highly recommend.)

  63. Perdita McLeod +8

    Toasts, if you are like me and enjoy stories about nature rebounding, and fixing the environment to restore the earth to its more natural state, you will be pleased with this feature on the Seattle Times about the restoration project (including removal of two dams) on the Elwha River in Washington State: http://projects.seattletimes.com/2016/elwha/

    I’ve been following this project for several years and it has brought me nothing but happiness. Sometimes we can have nice things!!!!

    3. depizan +3

      Last time I was at Olympic, they had the Elwha valley closed because of the dam removal. I’m happy to hear how the area is doing.

  64. Heathered +26

    I bought the paper yesterday and learned that my former, horrible landlord died. He was 80. The last time I saw him (in 2014, so he was 77 or 78) he had claimed he didn’t remember me giving him a rental deposit which forced me to dig through paperwork and copy and mail him the lease while I was packing and having daily yard sales. So I asked him to do a walk-through to be sure there was absolutely no ambiguity about what damage I had done and what was done by his idiot handymen. He showed up and said, “I don’t need to look at the place, I know you took care of it,” and I said, “Fine, then do you have my deposit?” He said, “It’s in my pocket. Do you want it?” In short, big-time Scalia feels about all this.

  65. sweatahweathah +5

    Hey Toasties… does anyone who is American (with no other citizenship) have any knowledge about applying for and getting Austrian work permits for 1 year?

    I’ve found what seems like a dream job, and the only problem looks like I am required to have the work permits necessary, they would not offer one. Has anyone dealt with this before? I’ve had to have student visas before but it was handled by my university. I’m wondering if a history of successfully receiving visas in a neighboring country, plus being multilingual would help? They do require you to speak English for the position, so that could be a benefit as well.

    I’m going to research this all tonight (as I did not get the day off work), but I’d love if anyone has advice or experience doing this? I literally just found this job and my mind is in full on daydream mode <3

    1. geekcrackteam +3

      Generally you need a sponsored visa with the company offering you a job. Although you might be able to get 1 yr work permit, but I know the US doesn’t offer them to other countries, so you might not be able to get one if you’re American (there’s a but of tit for tat when it comes to European visas for Americans)

  66. radiantsqui3d +5

    Probably buried, but that might not be so bad since I’m really insecure about this one…
    Can I ask for some adivce? Putting touchy former-flatmate-interaction-type situation in the first comment.

    1. radiantsqui3d +4

      Sooo, up until June I shared a flat with two other women, one of which is a school friend I’ve known for over 10 years. She invited me to take over my room in that flat, helped me get used to living in a big-ish city, shared her friends with me. A good friend, I genuinely like her.
      But… there are a lot of buts complicating the situation.
      The flat was a bit of a shithole from the beginning, it had been shared by punks of various kinds for years, it was always-dirty with dust from the very big street, stuff in the kitchen either didn’t work or was strangely sticky, we had three fridges and two washing machines because they kept breaking, except for the living room, all rooms were tiny — in the last year I lived there, I just all in all didn’t feel comfortable anymore. Flatmate and I weren’t really compatible for living together either, she’d yell at me for leaving stuff in the living room, but was completely unconcerned about spoiling food in the kitchen. She’d be in a bad mood after work and just randomly yell at me, because she’s at home, and one does not have to be nice at home. Her friends would meet in the living room at all hours nearly every day and I was never invited to join (it was okay if I did, because I lived there I was a default guest), but she also never told me when she invited people over, which led to situations of me sleepily yelling at drunk punks at three a.m, because I wanted to sleep and they were arguing about Marx in the hallway directly in front of my room. Even then, when everything was still okay, I kind of felt unwelcome.
      And then it the situation escalated in December 2014. Flatmate had brought home three refugees from a hunger strike, asking me first whether they could stay the night, then whether they could stay a week. I, of course, said yes, even though I’ve always felt really bad about friends or relatives sleeping in our living room, because I’d basically have to step over them to get to the kitchen when I got up early in the morning, the flat was tiny to begin with. The thing is, the guys stayed on our couch for months, the last one moved out together with all of us. I’m glad they were able to stay with us, because German refugee camps are Not Nice Places, but my anxiety got worse and worse. I couldn’t even get to the kitchen without running through a person’s living space, and I didn’t even speak their language!
      Things deteriorated further when I found out that all of my friends had known that I didn’t cope well with the situation and still did nothing to change it. Flat mate had apparently decided that my mental health is just not as important as having the guys live with us. It’s not like we couldn’t have put up a rota, like the original plan was. It really hurt to think that I was that unimportant… if she’d just checked with me if I was okay every once in a while, everything would’ve been so much better!
      Flatmate then exchanged the majority of her social circle for her new activism. In the end we all had to move out due to an unrelated issue.
      I have seen her twice since. Once, in passing and once, at a party where all she talked about was her activism. Other than that, silence.

      Now, question. I feel really bad about how things ended between us. She’s been my friend for a long time, we went through a lot of shit together… but it just hurts that she did not even try to take my needs into consideration.
      Should I call her and ask whether she wants to go for coffee and maybe discuss things a little bit? I’m not sure, because we’ve grown apart to completely… but on the other hand, I miss her, and it’s still weird because we do have quite a few mutual friends…

      1. Xolandra +11

        Ooof. Would it help if I said “don’t feel badly”? I shared a flat with a friend whom I considered good until we lived together and then… didn’t? A lot of the same stuff, too.

        If you do end up going out for coffee, I would not dredge up living together stuff; I suspect that my old roomie had as much resentment towards me at the end as I did towards her. Your friendship started before you were flatmates, right? I would try to focus on that stuff. You will never be able to fix that you felt unimportant towards the end of your relationship, and flatmate will probably not ever acknowledge that they subsumed your needs to another’s in a way that hurt you.

        I hate it when Disney is right, but “let it go” is one heckuva mantra. ::Toastiehugs:: this is tuff stuff.

        1. radiantsqui3d +5

          thanks for putting in words some vague conclusions I had as well…
          I’m pretty sure that she’s as annoyed and as insecure about me as I am about her, and getting things right just may not be an option. Water-bridge-stuff, I guess.
          Thanks for listening. I feel a bit more secure for even putting the story out there for some impartial comments – it’s a bit hard to work through what’s just petty living-together-stuff and what’s part of the bigger picture… ugh.

          1. Xolandra +4

            My pleasure ^_^ I get wanting a third, impartial position. But no, being awoken at 3am when you have work is Not OK, and you was wronged.

            I’m totally still friends with that roomie! We live on opposite sides of the continent, but we have facebook interactions and i still consider my 3 years with her some of the best times of my life, so this is salvageable. But it will be easier with distance made from time, for sure.

      2. Goomaly +13

        Good friends aren’t always good roommates. Since you are thinking of reaching out because you miss your friend, it may help to start the conversation with some kind of acknowledgement that while the flatmate situation ended badly, you value her friendship and miss hanging out with her.

        It might not work out, it sounds like the two of you have grown apart naturally as your interests diverged.

  67. coloredlights +10

    I am late to this OT, but! I’m going to Mexico tomorrow! No more below-freezing NYC weather! 5 days of sun and sand and drinks with umbrellas in them! Also eco-preserves and ruins and stuff.

    If anyone’s been to the Cancun area (specifically Playa del Carmen) and has tips, they would be welcome! We are experienced travelers, one with fluent Spanish, so I’m not at all worried, but it would be cool to know what other people have enjoyed.

    1. LaxMom +4

      I did my master’s research there. If you want environmental grandeur, go south down the coast to the sian kaan biosphere. There you can hire a boat to take you through the canals and to a teeny little ruin. The coast is on one side and the lagoon is on the other. It is incredible.
      http://www.visitsiankaan.com/

      Rent a car and go to the pyramids. Coba is one of the earliest, you can rent bikes there and ride on real ancient sacbes (roads). It’s also one you can climb. Chichen Itza is a must see, but it gets VERY crowded, go super early. If you get one of the bus tours, take a snack and a bathing suit, just about every bus trip they spring some sort of swimming on you. But since you have a good Spanish speaker you’re probably good on your own.

      Merida is about 2 hours away and it’s in the center of the chicxulub crater that killed the dinosaurs. It’s a lovely colonial town with a great art museum and market.

      Uxmal is far but one of my favorite Maya complexes.
      Oh, I’ll stop now.

  68. katers731 +12

    Hi Toasties!

    I’ve been reading here since the beginning and finally decided to jump in. I just found out that I got a job in NYC (!!!) which I’ll be starting in 3 weeks (!!!). I’m relocating from Atlanta after a stint of (f)unemployment- I’ve been working as an extra on movie sets- and while I’m incredibly excited about this job/move, I’m also a bit overwhelmed!

    If anyone has any advice on moving to NYC, areas to look for/avoid in the apartment hunt, restaurant recommendations, meet-ups, etc., etc., I would love you FOREVER! I know I can trust your judgement, because Toasties are the best.

    Thank you!

    1. craneyourneck +3

      Congratulations!! That’s so exciting.

      I’d start preparing to rent a place as soon as you can. Put together a folder to bring to each apartment when you tour it. If you’ve signed a contract for your new job, write a letter from your employer and have someone at your new company sign it (include your new salary). Gather the phone numbers of your previous landlords in case your new landlord requires references. Photocopy your passport and license, and bring your social security card. If you’re living with someone else, have them bring these things, too. You can always run a free credit check in advance to know where you stand; the person renting you the apartment will probably ask for $50 to run your credit history before letting you sign a contract. Bring your checkbook (and move money from savings to checking if you need to) so you can write a check for the required deposit on the spot. I don’t know how it is in Atlanta, but you’ll generally need first month, last month, and a security deposit in NY and the surrounding area. If you’re using a realtor, there could be additional fees (though it’s worth asking the building if it will cover them–it’s worth a shot). I haven’t done this, but friends of mine have: you can negotiate by offering slightly less per month in rent (say, $50) and putting down money on the place immediately. If you’re competing with other potential renters, the management team will usually choose the person who has already written a check, and if you can manage to sign a contract for $50 less a month, that’s $600 less a year.

      New York laws require landlords to paint all of the rooms white for new renters, so if the walls haven’t been painted you can always ask. It’s also smart to ask if the building has had any issues with pests (mice, cockroaches, water bugs, etc): legally, they have to disclose this if you ask directly. I’d also ask how long the apartment has been at the current rent so that you get a sense of how much it will go up each year. Ask if there’s a super who handles repairs, and whether the super lives in the building.

      Be wary of neighborhoods with “Heights,” “East,” or other qualifiers; Google these locations before visiting. If the neighborhood is listed as “East Williamsburg,” it’s almost certainly Bushwick.

      Go tour apartments with good descriptions but without pictures on Craigslist; they’re likely to have less interest from other renters. StreetEasy is a pretty nice way to start looking, too. If you work with a realtor, ask to see similar apartments in the area (be clear about the budget and the neighborhood).

      Hope you find someplace beautiful! Good luck with the move!!

    2. whiskey_ginger +7

      Congratulations! Apartment hunting in NYC is a HUSTLE, even in unfashionable neighborhoods. My favorite neighborhood to live in was Jackson Heights, a super diverse area of Queens. It’s not uber gentrified yet so I was able to get a sizable studio in a pre-war building, with on-site laundry, a live-in super, and an elevator, two blocks from the subway for what I was paying for a single room in Park Slope. And the dosas! I still dream about the dosas. And depending on where you’re working, Queens can be a relatively painless commute. If you end up targeting a specific neighborhood, try to visit it at different times of day, and on both weekend and weekdays if you can.

      One thing that happened quite a bit when I was apartment hunting there is that brokers would post pictures for specific apartments on Craigslist or their own site, and then when I showed up for my appointment that apartment would have *just* been rented but they’d be happy to show me a variety of other, shittier apartments. Be prepared to see a bunch (I think I looked at seven before finding my Jackson Heights place) and ready to move quickly when you find one you feel good about.

      Good luck! New Yorkers LOVE to talk about apartment hunting, so look at any terrible apartment tours as future anecdotes.

    3. coloredlights +5

      In response to the above commenter, I’m gonna throw out there that all the “Heights” neighborhoods I can think of are actually great – I’ve lived in Crown Heights, Prospect Heights, and Hamilton Heights (all-time fave and current neighborhood), and I have good friends in Washington Heights.

      Also, NYC realtors are often sort of crazy. Don’t be too put off, just be direct and do what you need to do. They have a lot of incentive to help you because they don’t get paid unless you rent something.

      If you are willing to consider a roommate situation and/or a short-term situation while you get settled into town, there’s a group on Facebook called Gypsy Housing, which is geared towards performing arts people who go on tour and need to sublet their places.

      The best-value areas currently seem to be upper Manhattan (Hamilton Heights, Washington Heights, Inwood), parts of Queens (Astoria, Jackson Heights), and some of the more south-ish parts of Brooklyn (Sunset Park, maybe still some South Slope).

      Good luck with the move and the apartment hunt! And welcome to this crazy city!

    4. notebook-keeper +3

      Congrats on the move and the job!!

      I’ve lived in Bed-Stuy for 3 years and like it a lot. I also like visiting my friends who live in Bushwick, Crown Heights, Astoria and the closer-to-the-Lorimer-stop-than-the-Bedford-stop-Williamsburg and would live in any of those places. I also have friends in Park Slope, Carrol Gardens and Sunset Park and find those places nice but a little out-of-the-way and quiet for me but they might be good for you depending on what you’re looking for and where your job is. I have also had friends live in Hells Kitchen and Financial District and would not recommend.

      Also, it is totally possible to move without paying a brokers fee! I never have.

  69. Tarragoner +64

    Overheard at the local health food store hot bar this morning:

    Waify meek person: “I’m trying to cut back on coffee.”
    Sturdy confident person: “I’m trying to cut back on cutting back on things I really love.”

    Well. A word to the wise!

    1. Goomaly +34

      that waify meek person is going to have trouble sleeping tonight, then the perfect come back will finally hit him/her: “I’m also cutting back on my exposure to toxic substances.” *walks away*

  70. sourwatermelons +8

    All I’ve done on my day off so far is lie in bed with a headache and upset stomach and then get out of bed to change the dressings on the moles my roommate got removed on her back (which I don’t mind doing, but it didn’t help the upset stomach situation). -_-

    2. SmrtCookie +4

      As someone who had to change my own mole-removal dressings, I salute you and wish your roommate quick healing.

  71. craneyourneck +4

    Throwing my sister a baby shower in Vegas next month. Have you spent time in Vegas? Is it what I imagine it is? What on earth do humans do there?

    (And do you have any suggestions for buying Beyonce tickets at a reasonable rate?)

    1. lemonadefish +4

      Vegas is pretty much just as you probably image, but more expensive. I’ve only been once, but as far as I can tell, people spend hundreds of dollars on mediocre booze, lose a lot of money gambling, and then eat some pretty tasty food. Have fun!

    2. coloredlights +3

      I spent 6 weeks in Vegas last year, and I hate the Strip. Try downtown Vegas instead? The bars are much cheaper and still very cool. I like Atomic Liquors and Downtown Cocktail Lounge. The Commonwealth is also good. If you can find a way to get into Tokyo 365, it’s pretty fascinating. For daytime/non-drinking activities, the Container Park and Neon Boneyard are cool. (And I’m biased because I used to work on it, but go see Absinthe at Caesars Palace.)

      Also, Red Rock Canyon has amazing hiking. You’ll need a car to get there, but it’s my favorite thing to do in Vegas.

    3. Beakses +2

      My default amusement is people watching and maybe seeing a show. There’s a restaurant at Paris that has porch seating where you can watch the bellagio fountains and all the people being their Vegas selves on the strip which is pretty good for the first. There are tons of shows, so that’s mostly a question of interest and price range.

      If you want to do something random to kill time, you used to be able to do focus groups for TV shows at the MGM near the pool- not sure if it still exists, but it’s relatively interesting and doesn’t cost money, which can be nice.

  72. Q_Continuum +11

    I got to see a musical called Monsters of the Villa Diodati yesterday, about Mary Shelley, Percy, Claire Clairmont, Byron, and Polidori, and it was great! It represented the perfect intersection of my interests in a) weird musicals and b) being critical of Romantics.

    Definitely a recommended way to spend Valentine’s day.

  73. Strophoria +5

    Toasts, I need a gut check. I have 2 bike messenger jobs right now, and both are offering winter wage floors so I’ve been working 50-60 hour weeks since the new year. I’ve only taken two days off since Jan. 1, and I’m utterly exhausted. Not just physically sore, although I am, but emotionally and mentally drained. Just keeping my eyes open feels like an effort at this point – is this a normal amount of tiredness for this level of activity? I’m concerned that I may be vitamin deficient or just constitutionally weak. I know that sounds silly but I tend to think of myself as a lazy person who uses any excuse to get out of doing stuff, so “only” working 10 hours a day in the freezing cold seems like a pale excuse. Lately I’ve taken to walking up steeper hills instead of riding them because my thigh muscles feel like wet noodles, and even that feels like an indulgence. I’m being ridiculous for feeling guilty about wanting time off, right? I shouldnt feel like I’m losing money if I don’t work absolutely every shift available to me. But I dooooo. I just signed up for four extra hours today because I felt like I couldn’t justify passing them up, since shifts are unpredictably available. Overworking myself is something I’m prone to doing but I can’t seem to pull myself out of it, especially because I’m so broke right now and need to save up $3000 by June. Argh.

    1. SmrtCookie +12

      Listen to your body please! It sounds like your body wants some rest. Maybe try backing off your hours a bit if you’re financially able?

    2. sausagedog +23

      Oh geez, there is exactly no situation in which I would consider a person working 10 physical hours a day “lazy.” I suppose you could have vitamin deficiencies but I really think being exhausted like that is because you are working an exhausting amount. Please take some time off– or at least give yourself a reduction in hours– because the marginal increase in wages is not worth your health. If you’re really in dire straits, let me know, I’d contribute to a gofundme or your paypal or something if it meant you took a day off to rest up.

      1. Strophoria +12

        Thanks, that’s super sweet. I’m not at the level of being evicted if I don’t work, I just have some debts from pet illnesses and from unexpectedly getting laid off in the fall. I could totally afford to take a day off or work fewer hours, I just have trouble feeling like I deserve to – but hearing everyone say that I should definitely helps. I only have three hours down on Saturday & I’m going to see if I can drop those shifts.

        I also just at this moment got a text from dispatch saying I got a $100 bonus for being super reliable and picking up everyone else’s shifts during the cold snap. Monetary validation is the best kind.

    3. Absotively +23

      If it helps, maybe try thinking of the finances from this angle: overworking until your body forces you to take a longer amount of time off would probably put more of a hole in your savings plan than working a more manageable number of hours/shifts.

    4. urspostrophe +5

      I’ve been in that spot of feeling guilty if I don’t take as much work as is being offered to me, but yeah–you really sound like you need some time off. If nothing else, you could injure yourself and then have to take even more time. Get some rest!

    5. PRockette +10

      Are you eating enough? That’s a lot of physical activity. I know someone who bikes as her main form of transportation and she told me she eats upwards of 3000 calories just to fuel herself. And you’ll need more in the cold weather.

      1. Strophoria +3

        I think so? I’ve relaxed my veganism to include cheese pizza during work hours, and my friend gave me a bunch of cliff bars, so I loosely estimate that I’m eating around 3500 calories. Although that’s super erratically timed, because I get orders basically at random and usually during mealtime hours, so I’ll eat half a pizza at 10:30 am and then not have time to eat a meal again until 7:30pm. Although I do have dates & bars.

        1. Ethylbenzene +3

          Are you hydrated as well? I used to do fairly physical work outside and it’s so much harder to remember to drink when you’re cold. Try upping your fluids and adding an electrolyte drink to the mix. You’re still sweating and losing salts even if you don’t notice it.

        3. ofTrebond +7

          Bars only go so far. I’m generally a believer in solid food, but for that much exertion you might want to add shakes with protein powder/appropriate sugars/whatever goes in those things. Of course, all those weird powders can be pricey :-(. But, more importantly, you need to rest! No amount of vitamins will allow you to work super physically demanding ten hour days in the cold for months on end without days off. Bodies are not designed for that. It is so hard to turn down opportunities for money, but at that level of exhausted you get sick or injured easily, and medical bills will not help your savings.

          1. Strophoria +7

            Thats a good thing to keep in mind – definitely going to pick up some Gatorade powder as Ethylbenzene suggested, and I’m officially not working on Saturday, no matter how much dispatch begs. Thanks, everyone 🙂

      2. sneepsnake +2

        This was my first thought as well! That much physical activity means you’re burning a lot of calories and your body simply may not have enough fuel. Even 3500 calories a day might not cut it. Just for a comparison, when my sister the professional triathlete was training for full Ironman distances she was eating around 8,000 calories a day and she would still lose around 20-30 pounds over the course of the tri season. (She would be training for roughly the same amount of time that you’re working, although obviously the intensity is different.) So if your legs feel like noodles your body may be at the point that it’s having to burn muscle for fuel instead of stored fat/calories form the food you’ve eaten that day.

  74. ChloeKEvil +62

    Charlie Potato Hashbrowns in the snowstorm we had on Friday! Possibly one of my favourite photos I have of him so far.

  75. rhymeswitheight +3

    Has anyone bought picture frames from Ikea? I’m looking to buy a bunch, and they’re so cheeeeap. But if they’ll literally fall into pieces like some of the Michael’s frames I’ve had, perhaps not worth it.

    1. Absotively +2

      I have one! I’ve only had it up for a few weeks, but it hasn’t fallen apart yet. It was kind of a nuisance to put together.

      Also it was a pain in the butt to hang: the hanger is a sawtooth-type thing on the back of the particle board backing thing, which is quite deeply recessed from the back of this particular frame. I ended up putting a loop of picture wire through the hanger, and then using something to hold the loop away from the frame while I lowered it onto a picture hook. This worked, but it took several tries and the top of the picture hook is visible above the frame. I’m not sure the frame is sturdy or thick enough to support adding a more standard picture wire setup, though I may eventually try it.

      But! It looks pretty nice, it was very cheap, I did get it hung eventually, and like I said, it hasn’t fallen apart yet. So maybe worth it? I don’t know. Maybe look at the back of the specific frames you’re considering before you buy them, it’s possible that some are better than others.

    2. truffleuffagus +2

      They’re ok! They’re certainly not as sturdy as many other frames, but they’re a great price. I’ve had mixed luck with ’em. Sometimes they’re totally fine and other times you can see a gap in the corners where the mitred edges don’t quite fit flush. You could always fill that with wood filler, that’s what I’ve done before. And make sure you hang the pics using wire instead of just resting the frame itself on nails, because that could pull the top piece off of the sides. They’re just not glued very sturdily. Their frame that fits an 8×10 matted print is great, but their size bigger is weird – it doesn’t fit an 11×14, so make sure you know exactly what you want to put in it and size correctly.

    3. Biblioholic +2

      They’re not fancy, but they do the job. We’ve had ours for 4 or 5 years and none of them have disintegrated or anything. We just hang them on the wall, though, so I haven’t tested the strength of the little stands.

    4. lemonadefish +2

      The more expensive Ikea frames are decently sturdy, if you don’t go changing the pictures or moving them around all the time. If you drop one or anything, it will certainly fall to pieces though.

  76. amanita +8

    I have a lot of feelings about a lot of things right now BUT the most succinct is that I fucking think I figured out how to do a gluten free version of spold mac from Montage in Portland. Spold (spicy + old macaroni and cheese) is probably the worst name for a dish and might not be as good as I remember it being, but it’s tied to a pivotal memory from my teen years. It’s very nice to be able to reach back through time and find that once more.

    (Montage was mind blowingly hip and fancy to me, an 18 year old in the 90s from a place where fancy = Marie Calendar’s. Communal tables! They made little aluminum foil swans with your leftovers! You get it.)

    1. gripyfish +3

      I haven’t thought about Montage in forever–I spent so many late nights there in my early 20s. And now I want spold mac with bacon.

        1. amanita +2

          It makes me really happy that they’re still open, and their menu hasn’t changed much in almost 20 years. Maybe I’ll hit them up next trip back west, maybe I won’t. I love that you all have that young adult memory, too.

  77. braak

    in any case, there's been a lot of people on the Facebook and the Twitters trying to scold other people for being happy at Scalia's demise — often these are people who were directly, verifiably, and specifically harmed by his abominable positions that he didn't even have the decency to seem apologetic over — and honestly all it's done is make me re-evaluate my feelings about speaking ill of the dead.

  78. danelleorange +30

    Darling toasties,

    I talked to a decent seeming dude on OKC. This is A Step. He has not messaged me back, however, probably because he’s already got a wife and 2 kids in New Orleans or is axe murdering.

  79. EvilOverLibrarian

    Darling toasties,

    I talked to a decent seeming dude on OKC. This is A Step. He has not messaged me back, however, probably because he's already got a wife and 2 kids New Orleans or is axe murdering.

  80. almond_moon +6

    Hi everyone! This is my first day posting on here! I am based in southern California. Is there a Toast group for west coasters/Californians? Also, I saw a pen pal thread a few weeks ago, but I can’t find it. If anyone has the info for either of these, I would really appreciate it!

    1. Ivans_Sister +3

      Someone….upthread somewhere? mentioned a Los Angeles group. I’m in San Diego, so it’s not particularly close, but since I head up thataway every now and again I’m wondering if I might want to join it. So I’m hoping someone sees this and pops on in with a link.

    2. ellehmariat +3

      I think last week someone brought this up and there weren’t many replies, sadly. I’m in Santa Barbara, for what it’s worth! We can be a group of 3?

      1. almond_moon +1

        The more the merrier! We can go wine tasting in Santa Barbara and beer tasting in San Diego!

  81. illyria83 +6

    Hi, Toasts! Normally I wouldn’t have the day off but it’s a snow day for me in Virginia and I do not mind at all!! I just started The Queen of the Night, shoveled and put out ice melt and am not so patiently waiting for the Hamilton Grammys performance.
    I made the mistake of using my return to live TV service to watch some of the Saturday night debate. I dealt with my angst by ordering this shirt. I love it, and best of all I can wear it whoever the nominee ends up being.

  82. spectra37 +22

    I have long suspected my not-straight-ness (for over a decade), but kind of… put off dealing with the whole thing. Anyway, recently I’ve been realizing that I’m really Not Straight, and dealing with my own internal issues about the whole thing and starting to accept it about myself at least a little, and I kept feeling the need to talk to people about it–especially two of my best friends who keep making assumptions about my hypothetical future.

    So far, I’ve told four people, two of whom were very supportive but slightly uncomfortable about actually talking about it (the above friends), and two who have been awesome. I don’t know where I’m going from here, but it feels so good not to be just shutting away this whole thing, especially since I’m trying to figure out what things need to/should/will change in my life.

    (I come from a conservative religious (Christian) background/family, which might have been obvious but probably isn’t bad to state explicitly.)

    1. RoseCamelia +11

      You talk to us about it. If you feel the need. You know you’re safe here, right? We accept you as you are, with no discomfort, no assumptions. And I will fight anyone who suggests you are not wonderful as you are.

      I’m happy that it feels good to be your full self. See? You are wonderful as you are. That’s why it feel so good.

      I was also raised a conservative christian. I understand and I want to help. How may I help? ::Toasthugs::

      1. spectra37 +5

        Thank you! I was really surprised by needing to 1) admit/accept it myself on more of a formal level and 2) tell people–it wasn’t an issue for so long until it suddenly was. (I was also surprised by how nervous I was about actually telling people, even though I very carefully chose my people.)

        I don’t know where to, next, but I’m glad for the support and hugs!

    2. Becca Rose +3

      I have been there! Basically only “came out” (I just cringe at the terminology) to a handful of friends a year ago. I came from a super religious background too. If you ever need to talk, maybe it’ll help to do so with someone who’s familiar with the feeling.

      1. spectra37 +3

        Thank you! Yes, I have been avoiding using that terminology myself. Don’t know why it makes me cringe so much, but it does!

    3. bookwormV +7

      Toasthugs! I could have written your first sentence exactly not too long ago (admitted it to myself and others about a year and a half ago). I hope everyone you share this with is supportive; go you for being brave enough to deal with this and not shut it away, and I hope it leads you to a happier life. <3

      1. spectra37 +4

        Thank you! I feel SO BEHIND and also still very confused, but also much less confused and more settled, if that makes sense. 🙂

    4. anniekate76 +6

      *toasthugs* Congratulations on figuring stuff out about yourself and being brave enough to share it! You are amazing! A+!

      So I actually wasn’t raised in a conservative Christian background but I saw a screening of this wonderful movie, you might want to look into getting a copy for yourself and/or any conflicted relatives if you are having trouble reconciling the Bible and being to-some-degree-not-straight:

      http://www.fishoutofwaterfilm.com/

      also it’s on Amazon Prime

    5. permanentteal +4

      I’m in a similar boat. Slowing telling people I’m less straight than they thought, no one really talking about it. ::Hugs::

      1. spectra37 +3

        Yeah… I mean, I think it’s a much bigger deal to me than to them, and I get that, but I’d still like to talk about it a little, you know? Which… possibly explains my post today. Anyway, I’ll wave to you in your boat as we row in similar directions.

  83. deleted6984769 +4

    I know Open Thread is pretty much over, but I need a space to complain that I got a filling last week and my jaw is still sore and feels like it is working against me when I open it up. I don’t know if it will go away or who to go to to look at it, and I don’t know where to put my frustration. So it’s going here.

    But I get to go home soon and sit on my couch with a fluffy cat and a glass of wine, so that is good.

    1. spectra37 +3

      I know my dentist keeps an eye on my jaw, but I have no real useful advice other than to try to relax and not open it for a couple of days as much as possible and if that doesn’t help, talk to someone. I’m sorry it still feels sore! Jaw things are really annoying and frustrating.

    2. elsajeni +3

      Could it be related to teeth-grinding/clenching? Does your bite feel different with the new filling? Last year I got a filling on the chewing surface of a molar that the dentist didn’t grind down quite far enough so every time I bit down it felt a little off, and that really threw my pre-existing grinding into high gear. (In fact, I ground the filling right off! It fell out after like 4 months and I had to go get it fixed.)

      1. deleted6984769 +1

        It was a new dentist in the practice and I think he didn’t realize he was working on a human being – I had my mouth wide open for an hour and I think it exacerbated my TMJ – I’ve always had jaw popping problems since I got braces. And he may have hit something when he put the Novocaine in. The filling doesn’t feel too high – that has happened to me (I have terrible teeth) and it does do similar things. That must have been weird to have your filling fall off!

  84. kayjayoh_ +2

    Are there any Boston area Toasties who are planning on going to/trying to go to the Beyonce concert at Gillette field in June?

  85. Briarheart +10

    I’m usually too late for these open threads since they seem to start at 7 am pacific time, but I was happy to see there was one today. Mental health issues follow.
    Seroquil was a complete disaster. I felt zombieish all day and couldn’t really do anything, and in my grand wisdom decided the grogginess was the result of too little sleep, so I increased the dose and discontinued my supplementary med lamictal. So the depression has been hitting me really hard in the last week and I’ve been crying all morning. Please send happy thoughts.

  86. fcjaugusta +6

    Toasties! Any recommendations for websites or books with solid advice on healthy eating habits that are also non-diety/non-trendy and body-positive? I don’t have any history of disordered eating, I just want to take care of myself a little better without having to wade through “gluten/GMOs/dairy/carbs are the devil” and aescetic “tasty things are naughty” crap.

    1. AliceIsHopeless +1

      Late reply, but I think we probably have fairly similar attitudes to food, I’ve got no patience for unnecessarily strict eating!
      I love the “Community” cookbook by Hetty McKinnon. She ran a cafe called Arthur Street Kitchen in Sydney, and I think she’s just moved to New York to open one there? It’s technically a salad book, not really an advice giver, the recipes are all vege (some are vegan) but in a really lush way so that even when they’re very healthy they still feel indulgent. She’s not afraid of carbs, olive oil or dairy which is a big plus for me. It’s more like “here’s something yum that also happens to be pretty good for you”…

    2. evah42 +1

      There’s a registered dietician I know who runs a website: smartnutrition.ca
      She’s firmly against diet trends and has solid advice and recipes. I really enjoyed some of her articles on “nutrition washing” and how to analyze trendy “natural” or “superfoods”. I wouldn’t call her body-positive exactly, but definitely not negative. She focusses more on learning/training your body into intuitive eating. She’s also very against making food a moral thing and labeling foods good or bad.

    3. Xolandra +2

      I haven’t actually _read_ this, but… http://www.amazon.ca/In-Defense-Food-Eaters-Manif…

      A chef I was working for when it was published really liked this book, and the phrase he would go to over and over and over again is “eat food. not too much. mostly plants.” He then liked to add “and go for a walk”.

  87. almond_moon +8

    Grammys thread!
    It’s over 80 degrees in my apartment but Kendrick Lamar’s performance gave me chills.
    When Hamilton was introduced I screamed so loud my cat fell off the couch. Whoops!

    1. sneepsnake +3

      You’re joking, right? Please tell me you’re joking.

      More seriously, I worked on a human subjects research review board for a while, and doing any studies involving drugs and women can get really complicated really fast because of the potential pregnancy thing O.ten researchers will just skip the including women part b/c then they don’t have to deal with the regulatory hassle.

  91. hey_smalls +1

    So I’ve started doing my taxes for this year, and lemme tell ya, I really need to be making more money. I’m having a serious case of “Money Woes” today and I feel pretty hopeless about it.

  92. Karen +1

    You guys I am delurking to ask about L.M. Montgomery’s The Blue Castle. Which I loooooooved to death in my teens and nearly memorized. However, 20 years later, I am still mystified by two things:
    1. How do you really pronounce Valancy?
    2. What is a “wen”? (remember the suitor her aunt trotted out who was very nice but Had A Wen and Valancy was all “tra la la already married in the swamp”?)

  95. aliaspiral +3

    I’m never sure when to stop posting in Open Thread. Help me, I feel lost and alone.

    Also, I have a strange problem? I’m getting divorced (which is a good thing), but the ex has moved to Alaska and left ALLL of his stuff. Including, I just remembered, a replica gun from the Aliens movie. Which would be fine, only it shoots actual BBs and I can’t figure out how to UNLOAD it, and I DO NOT want a loaded BB gun in my house. I have an 8 year old who has younger friends that come over, and the whole idea is terrifying to me.

    Any suggestions? I tried googling it to see if I could find directions but searching “unload aliens guns” gives a variety of interesting answers, including a link to the ovi-positiors (sp?) adult toys. Which…no.

  96. alianora

    I'm never sure when to stop posting in Open Thread. Help me, I feel lost and alone.

    Also, I have a strange problem? I'm getting divorced (which is a good thing), but the ex has moved to Alaska and left ALLL of his stuff. Including, I just remembered, a replica gun from the Aliens movie. Which would be fine, only it shoots actual BBs and I can't figure out how to UNLOAD it, and I DO NOT want a loaded BB gun in my house. I have an 8 year old who has younger friends that come over, and the whole idea is terrifying to me.

    Any suggestions? I tried googling it to see if I could find directions but searching "unload aliens guns" gives a variety of interesting answers, including a link to the ovi-positiors (sp?) adult toys. Which…no.

  97. heather parlato

    my partner's mother passed away last month. it's a hard situation, because you know losing a parent is one of the most difficult things, and all you can do is try to be there for them and field the many moods of grief. i just try to make sure we have good food and just enough friends around.

    death definitely sucks, but i'm with you on not missing scalia.

  98. heather parlato

    ha! crazy co-workers!

    i had a co-worker change his name at my first job where i worked in a novelty gift shop. it was 1991 and he was in a band and moved to LA to start playing hair metal on the sunset strip, and he came in one day and said he'd changed his name to Jae-Min Pantera, and could we all call him that now, proudly passing around his new driver's license. i have to give him points for staying on-brand.