As a dentist, I vow:

to always keep my patient’s comfort a priority. I will do this by slowly laying out each tool in their peripheral vision and in total silence.

to always use those old-timey, huge steel syringes with the finger holes instead of modern plastic ones.

to give my patients instructions while their mouths are completely numb and then get mad at them when they do it wrong because they can’t actually feel what they’re doing.

to deter my patients from eating popcorn without providing a reasonable alternative.

to only tell them after I’ve numbed their mouth that they can’t eat until it’s not numb anymore, but not specify how long that takes.

to be all like “oh let me know if you have any pain” but not really say if there’s a normal level of pain, because if you’re getting your tooth drilled into it maybe makes sense that you should feel something, even after novocaine, but how much pain is actually worthy of raising your hand for??

to make my patients feel weird for not being able to keep their mouths open as long as I need them to.

to always ask my patients about dental procedures they had as a kid, as if they have any memory of that other than playing Pac-Man in the waiting room.

to actually be a really nice dude despite all these other weird things I vowed to do.

to give my patients toothpaste and floss but in little goody bags so they seem exciting.