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Dad Magazine: March 2016 Edition
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That is a happy Dad!
I assume that by “Diet Tips” you mean “Look At All These Excuses To Haul The Old Grill Out The Second It Technically Wasn’t Winter Anymore.”
As long as it isn’t currently snowing, you could be grilling.
I keep telling MY dad that but he packs the grill in the second the temperature gets below 60 and just looks longingly at it for the next four months.
We have a screened porch that my dad grills on, even when it is snowing in western MA. There is never a time to not grill.
[edit: my mother constantly fears he will burn the house down]
I was so excited for my new charcoal grill I fired it up when it was around 20 degrees out this winter (I am not currently a dad)
This causes me to ponder…what IS a dad? Can one be one in spirit without having a child? If so, I think you may be an Honorary Dad.
Entirely plausible, as I think I’ve inherited all of my dad’s most daddish traits.
Past issues have made me worry that my husband is secretly a dad. Now I’m worried that I’M secretly a dad!
The umbrella thing is what’s getting me. I’m very dad-ish in that respect.
(Growing up in the semi-desert likely had something to do with it, but I’ve been gone from there for 18 years and I still can’t bring myself to actually spend good money on something like that. I’m not made of sugar, I’m not going to melt. A little water never hurt anyone. Etc.)
I live in Seattle and I feel like there is an attitude about umbrellas here too (like you should be able to handle a little rain). I finally broke down and got one as my current warm coat isn’t a rain coat.
What amazes me is that, on busy sidewalks, more people don’t get their eyes poked out from passing umbrellas. Men eschewing umbrellas is one situation where they are NOT taking up more space and manspreading, expecting others to dodge and weave around their umbrellas. Shouldn’t we encourage that?
The solution to this is to raise your umbrella up in the air when passing somebody (it helps to also be tall). Now you still have an umbrella, but you haven’t poked anybody in the eye with it! It also gives you a chance to momentarily bond with the stranger who appreciates your umbrella-moving.
The amount of people who don’t understand basic umbrella etiquette is frankly shocking. When two people with umbrellas pass, one goes up, the other goes down, simple. When passing someone you raise your umbrella up.
ITS NOT HARD*
*I live in London, everyone carries an umbrella at all times just in case and it’s bloody upsetting when it rains and tourists don’t understand how to carry an umbrella in a busy city.
This seems like it should make intuitive sense, honestly, even in American cities with huge sidewalks. We can either adjust the levels of our umbrellas or step into the street, and there’s often a buildup of rain there.
I enjoy offering to share my umbrella with University men, who often become confused by this reversal of expected gender roles. Some of them refuse, which is just dumb. Bro, you didn’t bring an umbrella, and I’m trying to help you out here!
I live in drought-stricken Southern California, a place where one rarely needs an umbrella, and where one rarely needs to walk on a sidewalk filled with other people.
How do you decide WHOSE umbrella goes up vs down? This makes sense in theory, but I can see the inevitable dance that would occur when I’m actually in the situation.
But when you need an umbrella in Southern California you *really* need it.
“It never rains in California/but girl don’t they warn ya/ it pours, man, it pours.”
In general, the umbrella that’s already being carried higher should go up, since that way they’re definitely moving out of each other’s way rather than moving toward poking each other in the eye. But it’s very much like gauging whether to step left or right when you’re approaching someone walking the opposite way in a narrow hallway — having a general rule of thumb is useful, but in the end it’s mostly down to watching the other person’s body language and trying to guess what they’re going to do and trying to use your own body language to telegraph what you’re planning to do. So of course sometimes you get it wrong and both try to go the same way and have to engage in the “Shall we dance? ho ho ho” dad joke, except that there’s not an equivalent joke for umbrellas that I’m aware of.
Another principle of umbrella etiquette: if you live in a city with a lot of pedestrian commuters, don’t carry a giant umbrella. Just a regular size one will cover you adequately without taking up the entire sidewalk or crosswalk.
I have to admit to total Umbrella Etiquette Ignorance until just this very minute. Part of it is that I never carry an umbrella (I lose them).
Part of it is that I live in an area of Texas where we have two sorts of weather: the kind where you can walk around without an umbrella, and the kind where an umbrella will do you no good at all, because it’s hailing hail the size of tennis balls and blowing a hundred miles an hour and oop there’s another tornado.
Hey! That’s where I grew up!
Something about “oop there’s another tornado” is making me giggle madly, even though tornadoes are probably one of the Top 5 Things of Which I Am Terrified.
I am also completely terrified of tornadoes, like to the point that I clear out the one closet in my house on March 1st or earlier every year and stock it with a weather radio and a flashlight or six. And my bike helmet. And a pair of closed-toe shoes. Which is none of it Dadlike, simply part of living in the Great Howling Plains. I then shake every time it gets cloudy until December.
But truly? “Oop there’s another tornado” is exactly what happened here last year, when two went down the main drag in town five minutes apart. Nothing was badly damaged, thank God, and nobody was hurt, but it was all HAIL RAIN HAIL HAIL WIND TORNADO silence whew that was close OOP ANOTHER TORNADO.
Someday I will move somewhere where there aren’t fucking tornadoes and nobody carries umbrellas. I don’t know where that is, though.
I say “I’m not made of sugar, I’m not going to melt” ALL THE TIME. Thanks to my dad, I’m pretty sure.
Me too! Although I normally reference icing sugar.
Wouldn’t say no to those diet tips, if I’m being honest.
Yeeeah about that bear-proof cellphone case.
I love the annual bear-proof testing report. I always feel a little bit bad for the brave inventors who think their thingy is going to Beat the Bear, but I love the nearly-unbroken string of Bear Success.
Oh my goodness! The bears are getting discouraged!! http://www.greatfallstribune.com/story/life/my-mo…
I once visited Banff’s Arts Centre and was amazed at all the welded-steel bear-proof trash bins. The primary threat seemed to be from the deer, who were pushy enough about trying to steal your lunch that you actually had to bonk them on their noses, but the trash bins were very impressive.
Um excuse me, I think you mean “UMBRELLAS! GET THE BIGGEST ONE! GET ANOTHER HUGE ONE FOR YOUR KID!”
Yes I definitely think there are two sub-species of dad:
1. “What, it’s just a little water, you won’t melt!”
2. “Better take an umbrella.” “Dad we’re in the middle of a sun-baked desert in dry season.” “You never know! Better safe than sorry!”
In the sun-baked desert, you clearly need an umbrella for shade, so.
In the desert, you definitely need one of those screens you put in your car’s windshield, was what I was thinking. A good dad thing to Know About Living in the Desert.
Somehow, I think my dad is both? He’s very pro-umbrella when someone else might need one, and then when it’s actually raining, he just kind of says “eh, screw it” and puts on a hat and a sweatshirt.
This is my dad also. “It’s raining (the very tiniest bit), so I INSIST that we take these three umbrellas with us.” “It’s barely drizzling, Dad, we don’t really need–” “WE MUST. Here, take this one and use it.” “Okay, and here’s one for you.” “I don’t want one.” I DON’T WANT ONE EITHER AND YET HERE WE ARE.
Skin is waterproof!
Perhaps, in the manner that Wine Moms split into subtypes [Chardonnay with Ice Cubes] and [Red from a Mug], Dads split into the subtypes [No Umbrella: You Won’t Melt] and [Umbrella: Better Safe Than Sorry]
Team Red from a Mug! LMAO
Oh boy, I am white with ice cubes, red in a mug, AND Team You Won’t Melt.
Yeah, my dad always tried to foist giant golf umbrellas off on me, and I had to explain to him that if I walked around Boston with one, everyone would hate me.
In our family, the saying is, “better safe than soggy.”
That second one is 100% my mum, not my dad.
Leave an umbrella in the trunk of your car! And the front passenger seat of your car! Forget they’re both there once you need them!
Maybe stash a couple in your office too! And then you’ll NEVER have one when you’re at home and need to go out in a rainstorm.
For some reason, my parents have about 3 million (low balling here) umbrellas and are always trying to give me and my siblings a few whenever we visit. “Oh, you’re going home now? Here, take four umbrellas.” It’s like parting gifts for participating in family time.
I was about to say this! I feel like in Ireland and Britain Dads are constantly foisting obnoxiously large golf umbrellas on their children.
Seriously its fine, I have one in my bag, I don’t need your Pharmatex Inc tent on a pole.
I will accept any and all golf umbrellas because they are the only size that will cover both me and my backpack when I am walking to work in the rain. But I can get away with carrying them because I am short and thus, while I may accidentally poke someone in the armpit, I am unlikely to put anyone’s eye out. Plus I do the “tilt the umbrella to the side” in addition to the “up-and-down umbrella dance” if I’m in a crowded area.
(I also like to brandish them menacingly if I am walking alone and it is not raining enough to require opening them. I have fantasies of knocking someone on their ass with a backhand worthy of Ivan Lendl if they get too close to me.)
YUP. My dad was so proud when I told him about the Fancy Big Umbrella I bought, and then immediately and worriedly asked if I still had a collapsible one for my purse, “just in case.”
YES why does he always carry giant umbrellas that can fit our family of four yet he will not share? Like WHY is the umbrella that huge??
Or – “Get your wife a new umbrella for Christmas because she had to get herself a new umbrella last Christmas and you do take hints, if slowly!” (Yes, Mr. Ellabee did this.)
Dad: Do you have an umbrella?
Me: Ye –
Dad: Here take this one
Me: Okay bu-
Dad: Oh I found another one in the back of the car and here is also a bottle of vitamins
Conversation also applicable to flashlights
That’s gonna be me as a mom. I never have in my purse fewer than five “emergency” folded Kleenexes in various locations, several extra sleeping pills (each of which found its way there singly), a bottle or two of Ibuprofen and other possible drugs, and – yes – a tape measurer, which I HAVE used. One in each purse, for the record. My poor future kids.
You need band aids, a juice pouch, and a baggie of cheerios.
Wipes. Don’t forget some wipes.
is your name actually gary and do you call your bag the leviathan?
I can’t count how many flashlights my dad has given me over the years, including the big Maglites for my car (they double as a weapon!). Also I may have mentioned this before, but if I leave my car at my parents’ house for a weekend, when I pick it up, he’s filled the tank and dusted it and vacuumed it out.
Flashlights! I have many many dad given flashlights.
Also jumper cables!
Mine were a “just put them on our credit card” birthday gift from my parents. See also: one of those boxed ladders that’s, like, 50 feet long because I lived in a 3rd-floor apartment that didn’t have a fire escape out of either bedroom window.
My parents are coming to visit this spring. I’m hoping they’ll buy me a kitchen fire extinguisher while they’re here.
My dad gave me one of those when I moved, it is WONDERFUL (and I hope I never need it)
I knew i was an Old when someone offered me a free umbrella and i went “can i have two?” because hells to the YES I want extra umbrellas that live in my umbrella stand for Unprepared Guests.
And also tire pressure gauges.
YES. Mine also gave me a battery gauge/checker thing for household batteries. Which was actually quite useful when my CO detector kept bleeping at me; turns out it was the device, not the battery, that was dying,
Tiny LED flashlights are the sorts of things we get in our Christmas stockings every year, along with scented body wash, huge bags of cinnamon bark from my parents’ local-ish Indian grocery store, and various bars of fancy chocolate.
Even soccer is a funny one since my Dad spends most of his free time either watching soccer, or refereeing soccer games. But yes, he could name most if not all of the North American sports mascots.
Plus “The Cities they Used to Play In” and “Which Mascot They Were Before”
Umbrellas? Pshaw! My dad is all about always carrying a waterproof cape because umbrellas are for car-owning non-bicycling wimps.
I, on the other hand, decided years and years ago that I’d much prefer an evenly distributed overall soaking to runoff waterfalls onto my thighs and shoes every time I move my arms while biking. Plus I take the train a lot now.
So your dad is the dad from Calvin and Hobbes?
There is some definite overlap there, yes. Except my dad doesn’t bike for sport, ever. It’s purely transportation (even though it regularly adds up to 3+ hours a day) or relaxation (as in biking to get to events / see interesting stuff, including just general local scenery / nature preserves etc.), both taking place on an old clunker of a Dutch-style roadster bike that has had decades of swearing and grudging repairs thrown at it.
My husband is the dad from Calvin and Hobbes.
I have a poncho I bought in China that is intended to cover oneself, the back of one’s moped, the handlebars and front light of one’s moped, and the three small children/grocery shopping/dog/all of the above that is balanced between one’s feet on the moped’s “floor.” The thing is AMAZING. Though for biking it really works best in tandem with a front fender.
OH MAN I NEED ONE not because I have three children, grocery shopping, a dog that minds the rain, or a moped, but because the days when I have to haul shit all over creation are the days it rains here.
Fear not, for Patrick already called to say he took out life insurance 26 years ago.
god, is that Grey Power commercial that old?
Related to the Umbrellas article: Windshield Wipers? Use as intermittently as possible! Also, you probably need a new set.
I use windshield wipers only when I actually can’t see the road.
And it drives me up the wall when I’m a passenger and the driver has the wipers on when it’s not even really raining. Ergh, getting twitchy-shudders just thinking about it.
dungarees…
it is my life goal to maintain calling my jeans dungarees just because my dad did and its gloriously ridiculous
My dad still calls them that. Also “icebox” for refrigerator.
Icebox!!!
I am with you! My question is – why only one syllable when three will do?
#bringingdungareesback
My dad changes out of his dungarees into khakis whenever he has to do anything important… like go to Home Depot.
But Dungarees and Jeans are different! I think dungarees are what North Americans call ‘Overalls’, which just makes no sense cause overalls are navy cotton boiler suits that cover all of your clothes not just your legs and chest.
Also its seems weird to put children in overalls, but children in dungarees are fricking adorable.
My dad is a well-travelled dude, yet still gets stymied by STRANGE and MYSTERIOUS foods such as “quesadillas.” Last year, he called salsa “chip sauce.”
So now we just force him to try new foods anytime they visit. It’s like watching a baby discover its first taste of a pineapple or lemon. It’s too much!
Years ago, I worked for a man who once demanded that a very confused server explain to him what a “wrap” was. Like, the very concept. She couldn’t quite grasp the question he was asking, so finally I said “it’s a sandwich, but with a tortilla instead of bread.” He looked scandalized. I feel it goes without saying that he was quite old.
My partner’s family are very meat and potatoes. When I brought a lasagna to a family get-together, they only ate a little to be polite.
They will do spaghetti, but my MIL makes my FIL the special sauce he likes: Campbell’s Tomato Soup (just heat, don’t add water or milk). And spaghetti dinner isn’t complete without bread on the side, regular sliced bread … with peanut butter.
That meal sounds like a crime against humanity
wooooooooooooooooooooow
That’s my uncle (who is not otherwise a Dad). Direct quote: “The only things I like on my pizza are sausage and hamburger.”
My dad’s family is exactly the same…except for the peanut butter.
My Dad, who’s British but has lived in the US for thirty-odd years, calls pretty much everything that isn’t roast beef and Yorkshire pud “furrin food”, in a way that is both a joke and not a joke. It’s sometimes amusing but mostly somewhat exasperating, especially when he acts all shocked that someone might suggest an Indian restaurant and we have to remind him that actually vindaloo is a more quintessentially British meal than fish and chips these days.
(When we went on our honeymoon, we had to bring him back seven steak and kidney pies. Canned steak and kidney pies.)
My husband’s grandparents thought that tortillas were plate covers.
Oh man, I just got back from a long weekend road trip with my Dad (The Herb) and it was AMAZING, let me tell you guys some highlights:
– reviewing the itinerary a week before we left!
– highlighting the route on a 2008 road atlas!
– starting out the trip listening to Willie’s Roadhouse on satellite radio
– dad jokes/puns from all angles, as my sister and I are skilled in the art of the Dad Joke
– being explained how various types of engines work
– sing-alongs to the classic rock radio station
– going to Pep Boys because we had to replace our windshield wipers, like, NOW
There is more and we had a great time but it is currently being sullied by the fact that I got a very expensive speeding ticket in Virginia that I now have to hire a lawyer to handle since there is a mandatory court appearance and also if convicted it may be a misdemeanor SO
…and since he was egging me on, Dad offered to pay for it.
Never speed in Virginia; they can put you in freaking JAIL. I had to go to Driver Improvement class with criminals to avoid getting points on my license.
Yeah, I am sensing that this may be the case for me. I hope they will allow me to take a class in my home state (NJ) instead of driving 300 miles to VA for a class. Because let’s be honest, I never want to drive in Virginia EVER AGAIN.
I like the cut of your dad’s jib.
My dad’s actual post-heart-surgery diet tips (circa 2001): walk to Subway from your office everyday, order a six inch (!) low fat sandwich (with your stamp card). Stop eating red meat and become inexplicably obsessed with tilapa, mahi mahi, and soy cheese. Continue to not eat breakfast or salads.
I know Subway isn’t really great, but damn do I miss those stamps. I got me plenty of free subs back in the day.
I look forward to each month’s Dad Magazine so much, you guys. SO MUCH. The magazine is amazing, but the comments are pure distilled Dad.
Dads don’t diet they just wear their dungarees UNDER the belly.
YES. “What do you mean I’ve gained weight? I can still fit into the dungarees I wore twenty years ago!”
My parents departed yesterday after a week in my city. They were actually here for another event and not solely to visit me, which meant I spent the entire week arranging meet up times by getting the exact same text from both parents 30 seconds apart. I prefer to respond to my dad in those situations as my mom will remember to ask if I responded and what I said while my dad will just forget he even texted me unless I respond.
Also he texted at 9:30 am yesterday to tell me they got to the airport fine and to go back to sleep (which I did).
Recently found out that a dad of my acquaintance runs a march madness league that was won a few years ago by a local cow that someone had made a bracket for. The dad/league manager then ate steaks from the winning cow. #dadsconsin
ETA: This dad made a bracket for his unborn grandchild, because “bracketology begins at conception”
Wait, the cow WON, and its prize was being eaten? Dang. I’m glad I lose all sports brackets.
It was an homage to The Lottery, clearly.
Beloved Sister and I need a different dad, or perhaps a stand-in Dad. Our dad knows nothing about tarps, has never given either one of us a flashlight, and doesn’t even own a cellphone. He doesn’t grill or watch sports. About the only Dad thing he does is talk about WWI and WW2 battles.
Cynthia Heimel once separated men into four categories: Boys, Men, Hairdressers (not gay hairdressers, more a proto-Metrosexual) and Creatures. Our dad is a Creature.
I think the knowledge of WW1 and WW2 Battles helps balance out the lack of tarps and flashlights (my dad’s favorite thing to shout is “Where are all my flashlights?” even though literally no one else touches them, and to complain about people moving his tarps around, even though no one does). I was out once with my friend and my friend’s dad and, apropos of nothing, he looked me dead in the eyes and said “Today is the anniversary of the sinking of the Bismark.” It was one of the most dad-moments I’ve ever had.
I’m glad I’m not the only one. Dad will, on occasion, simply start spouting off about the most deadly battles of (Name A War) at the dinner table. Mom is used to it, I’m a nurse, and my sister has perfected the art of etheric fingers-in-ears, but it does unnerve our guests.
I definitely think not owning a cell phone is a certain type of Dad thing to do. My dad was a late adopter of cell phones, and still jabs his touch screen violently with his finger, as if pushing harder will make the apps work better. Maybe my dad is a Creature too.
He may be! Other Creaturenesses my father displays are these: he sends his pants and shirts to the dry-cleaner, so they’ll be creaseless and immaculate, but balls fitted sheets up and stuffs them into the closet. He has perfectly manicured fingernails but a horrible comb-over. He makes friends with everyone he meets, but is strangely shy and irascible around his family.
Oh, and he eats pre-made, frozen, off-brand cinnamon rolls for lunch every day. When his doctor chided him for not getting his RDA of vitamins and minerals, he went home, looked at the label on the box, and worked out how many cinnamon rolls he’d have to eat to meet 100% of daily value for everything. He then sent that information, in a note via snail mail, to his concerned GP. To her credit, she has it posted above her desk in her office.
DAD!
Ahhhh, this is lovely!! I adore both your dad AND his GP.
On the other hand, if you yourself are a late adopter of cell phones, as I was, you may have a dad who tries for YEARS to convince you to get one, because what if your car ever breaks down?!?, and then breathes a HUGE sigh of relief when your new boyfriend gets you one and strongly indicates that you should marry that boyfriend. (Which I did.) (Also, the former-boyfriend-now-husband is maniacal about keeping tabs on his flashlights.)
I think not owning a cellphone is easily as Dad as using it for slightly awkward texting though!
(My parents both refuse to get one even just for emergencies, but my Mom has got e-mail down to a fine art. Dad though? Way more stream-of-consciousness)
I have to figure out how to post photos because I have a peak dad moment to share here.
My dad made a wooden toy for my nephew’s birthday that is a visual pun and it is glorious.
(Until I have time to mess with photos, here’s the description: a flatbed pick up truck with a giant toe ridding in the back).
IT’S A TOE TRUCK!!! long live dad puns <3
Ding ding! Right on the first try!
My nephew just turned 7 and is the perfect age for dad/grandad jokes – it may be my dad’s very favorite part of being a grandfather.
HEEEE! HEEEE! Oh, dad.
Today, I told a 16-year old to stay in school instead of dropping out and getting an apartment. It’s not super-Dad-like, but I felt very Old saying it.
Clearly my dad needs to take it to the next level!
Exactly it. I have some that is included in my superannuation but never took out additional because no dependents and my partner is also a working person with income.
So! Many! Exclamation Points! The question mark looks a little out of place…
Another Dad Magazine, another vicarious-Dad-reminiscence. (I just pretend all of the sweet Dad things were things my Dad did too.)
Ooo big fish