Ayn Rand’s Les Miserables -The Toast

Ayn Rand’s Les Miserables

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on March 23, 2016 in Ayn Rand Rewrites

POLICE CAPTAIN: Monseigneur Bishop
we have apprehended this man – a known criminal – outside your gates with a set of silver candlesticks he claims you gave him
what say you?

BISHOP MYRIEL: Yes, he stole them. [to Jean Valjean] You wretched leech, if you wanted silver candlesticks, you should have created them.

POLICE CAPTAIN: Thank you for your time; we’ll be going now.

BISHOP MYRIEL: Just a moment. If we accept the Christ story on face value, I am supposed to believe that a man of virtue sacrificed himself for nonideal men, and that this sacrifice ought to be celebrated. This disgusts me. Religion is a despicable fiction. Let me leave with you; I will tear down this church and replace it with a train depot.

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (43)

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+195 Vote up Vote down

chiaroscuromom 108p · 470 weeks ago

Shortens it right up, eh?

+134 Vote up Vote down

GirlBob · 470 weeks ago

Well, at least it means nobody writes about sewers.

13 replies · active 466 weeks ago

+22 Vote up Vote down

ToastiewithCheese 120p · 470 weeks ago

or monasteries (that's where I jumped ship)

+21 Vote up Vote down

rangiferina 95p · 470 weeks ago

ngl, I really enjoyed that section. Sewers were slightly underwhelming though.

+64 Vote up Vote down

msbias 123p · 470 weeks ago

I wrote a masters dissertation on the Parisian sewers and got a distinction, so I must respectfully disagree!

+6 Vote up Vote down

Neriad13 · 466 weeks ago

Oh, I thought the sewers were terrifying. If only in a "NO, I DID NOT JUST FOLLOW THIS GUY FOR 1000 PAGES TO WATCH HIM DROWN IN A SEWER DON'T YOU EVEN" kind of way.

+63 Vote up Vote down

purebrightfire 104p · 470 weeks ago

Or retells the entire battle of Waterloo, of which exactly one detail is marginally relevant to the story.

(I actually love Les Miserables, btw- you just have to know which sections to skip or skim.)

+49 Vote up Vote down

msbias 123p · 470 weeks ago

I adored the chapter titles: "on why you should always arrest the victim of a crime first."

+37 Vote up Vote down

lauragraceroberts 121p · 470 weeks ago

"of which exactly one detail is marginally relevant to the story" YES and page after page of descriptions of afternoon outings with a gaggle of beautiful people of which exactly one detail is marginally relevant to the story. (I also love Les Miserables and all the Byzantine, insane, florid descriptions of garrets and avenues and, yes, even sewers and monasteries.)

+25 Vote up Vote down

longbook · 470 weeks ago

The part that sticks out in my memory was his paragraph-long note telling us that the woman (I'm assuming it was Fantine but it's been a while) had a dimple above her lip and how wonderful and beautiful and special it made her. Hugo my man, isn't that a relatively standard feature of the human face?

+21 Vote up Vote down

terb 114p · 470 weeks ago

Hugo had strange ideas about faces. In the paragraphs and paragraphs devoted to how beautiful Enjoras is there's a note about him having 'slightly reddened eyelids' as a pro about his eyes

So... He permanently had a cold? He cried a lot? Red eyelids are not attractive Hugo what are you thinking??

+4 Vote up Vote down

dakimel 122p · 470 weeks ago

Sammmmmme

+38 Vote up Vote down

maryoftheassumptions 99p · 470 weeks ago

The class in which I read Les Mis handled this via the teacher saying, "Okay, for next time, your reading is (exact pages long since forgotten). Yes, we're skipping like a hundred pages. That's the battle of Waterloo. It happened. On we go!"

+16 Vote up Vote down

Unreadaethel 127p · 470 weeks ago

The class in which I read the Iliad did the same thing. We skipped books that consisted mostly of "here are a variety of ways in which men can stab each other" in favor of ones that moved the plot along at least a bit.

+8 Vote up Vote down

lauragraceroberts 121p · 470 weeks ago

Ugh, the Iliad. Dirtbag Achilles. Ugh.

+88 Vote up Vote down

sabinabemani 115p · 470 weeks ago

Nah. Needs a 32,969-word speech from Bishop Myriel.

Apparently the John Galt speech would be 82.8 pages long, if in Times New Roman, 12-point, single-spaced and I'm guessing regular margins in a Word doc.

+35 Vote up Vote down

dreadfulwind 156p · 470 weeks ago

You know, at least the brevity of this version means it automatically would have been a much better basis for the 2012 musical film adaptation...

2 replies · active 464 weeks ago

+20 Vote up Vote down

twoburgers 95p · 470 weeks ago

Not having to ordeal Russell Crowe would make having no Javert worth it.

+5 Vote up Vote down

FicklePickle13 · 468 weeks ago

He'd have been perfect if it weren't for the having to sing bit.

+69 Vote up Vote down

FrankieGrimm 118p · 470 weeks ago

Look, personally I think we're missing all that background on the Bishop, you know? Really interesting and relevant to the plot! He met Napoleon once and made a pun!

2 replies · active 470 weeks ago

+44 Vote up Vote down

Ellen Fremedon · 470 weeks ago

And we need the inventory of all his household furniture!

+19 Vote up Vote down

terb 114p · 470 weeks ago

And a description of what his sister does every day!

+22 Vote up Vote down

Patrick · 470 weeks ago

Alternatively, JVJ could lead police to roust Bishop for swindling people and be rewarded with candlesticks which he then uses to buy up an orphanage and use kids to row slave galleys. Too Hollywood Happy Ending perhaps.

+93 Vote up Vote down

flying_ghoti 147p · 470 weeks ago

If anyone else was wondering, the first commercially viable steam locomotive debuted a good two years before Valjean's encounter with Myriel, so that's all right then.

+140 Vote up Vote down

sueyres 153p · 470 weeks ago

Although Ayn Rand did appreciate the capitalism that Fantine showed by selling her teeth. "If only she'd thought of smelting iron instead," Rand thought.

1 reply · active 470 weeks ago

+10 Vote up Vote down

thistlethorn · 470 weeks ago

Princess Mononoke and Lady Eboshi for the win!

+5 Vote up Vote down

heyheyemkay 137p · 470 weeks ago

She did like her trains, though.

+7 Vote up Vote down

Zelenka · 470 weeks ago

Well ... that took an unexpected turn.

+98 Vote up Vote down

nicoledieker 113p · 470 weeks ago

to be fair, Valjean BUILT A FACTORY and BECAME THE MAYOR, he did take the Bishop's advice about making his own candlesticks to heart

+20 Vote up Vote down

lauragraceroberts 121p · 470 weeks ago

Can we have Ernest Hemingway's Les Miserables? Set in Havana, natch. Or -- ye gods -- Flannery O'Conner's Les Miserables?

+27 Vote up Vote down

mikelywhiplash 135p · 470 weeks ago

So, are the Thenardiers the heroes of this version?

3 replies · active 470 weeks ago

+69 Vote up Vote down

Amanda · 470 weeks ago

Nope, Cosette and Marius are the Objectivist heroes: as far as I could tell, they absolutely only cared about themselves and I hated them with the power of a thousand suns and this is not personal even twenty years after I read the book, nope, not at all.

+15 Vote up Vote down

lauragraceroberts 121p · 470 weeks ago

THEY ARE THE WORRRRRRST

+19 Vote up Vote down

terb 114p · 470 weeks ago

I can't imagine Rand approving of a man who gets THAT weepy over handkerchiefs. Also Marius cared about Napoleon and is useless at literally everything.

+42 Vote up Vote down

Paula · 470 weeks ago

Thanks for the time-saver.

Have you considered writing condensed versions of Ayn Rand novels in the style of virtually anyone other than Ayn Rand? That would be a great service to the world.

+13 Vote up Vote down

Tarragoner 103p · 470 weeks ago

I can't wait for the musical!

+42 Vote up Vote down

askelade 126p · 470 weeks ago

Hm, no Éponine in this version or, presumably, in the musical based upon it. Without "On My Own," what are brashly talented 17-year-olds gonna sing at all their auditions?

4 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+39 Vote up Vote down

hummingrose 85p · 470 weeks ago

"Let It Go," of course.

Actually, I take that back. "Burn" from Hamilton.

+11 Vote up Vote down

askelade 126p · 470 weeks ago

Those are good choices!

Back in the day, I'm pretty sure that 14-year-old askelade once auditioned for something with "Who Are You Now?" from Funny Girl. I was cast in the largest role in the play... for which there was no solo singing.

+7 Vote up Vote down

hummingrose 85p · 470 weeks ago

I think mine were "What Do I Do Now" from Mame and "Losing My Mind" from Follies, but I busted out with "On My Own" on a regular basis in the shower. Sadly, I didn't have the opportunity to do many musicals as a kid.

+5 Vote up Vote down

whatisthisicanteven 97p · 469 weeks ago

Mine were "All That Jazz" and "16 Going on 17," which was tough to pull off when I was in my 20s. But I managed. I managed.

+5 Vote up Vote down

popelizbet 109p · 470 weeks ago

BWAHAHA

That is all.

+4 Vote up Vote down

kelzorischeapandeasy 106p · 470 weeks ago

Nothing about selling hair? Please let this be a series!

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