A Toastie wanted to share her own bird dog with us, please enjoy.
“Shuffle Along” and the history of black performance in America:
The blacks-in-blackface tradition, which lasted more than a century in this country, strikes most people, on first hearing of its existence, as deeply bizarre, and it was. But it emerged from a single crude reality: African-American people were not allowed to perform onstage for much of the 19th century. They could not, that is, appear as themselves. The sight wasn’t tolerated by white audiences. There were anomalous instances, but as a rule, it didn’t happen. In front of the cabin, in the nursery, in a tavern, yes, white people might enjoy hearing them sing and seeing them dance, but the stage had power in it, and someone who appeared there couldn’t help partaking of that power, if only ever so slightly, momentarily. Part of it was the physical elevation. To be sitting below a black man or woman, looking up — that made many whites uncomfortable. But what those audiences would allow, would sit for — not easily at first, not without controversy and disdain, but gradually, and soon overwhelmingly — was the appearance of white men who had painted their faces to look black. That was an old custom of the stage, going back at least to “Othello.” They could live with that. And this created a space, a crack in the wall, through which blacks could enter, because blacks, too, could paint their faces. Blacks, too, could exist in this space that was neither-nor. They could hide their blackness behind a darker blackness, a false one, a safe one. They wouldn’t be claiming power. By mocking themselves, their own race, they were giving it up. Except, never completely. There lay the charge. It was allowed, for actual black people to perform this way, starting around the 1840s — in a very few cases at first, and then increasingly — and there developed the genre, as it were, of blacks-in-blackface. A strange story, but this is a strange country.
This is a story about a mom who had a shitty midwife who let her bleed out in a birthing pool. It is horrible. I am linking to it because the mom asked to go to the hospital and was ignored, and if you are considering a homebirth, please please please ask your midwife a lot of very specific questions and push if you feel like you’re not getting the full story.
Here are a few suggestions:
Can you tell me about your experience with hospital transfers?
Can I talk to one of your clients who transferred to the hospital during a difficult birth?
Under what circumstances would you recommend or insist on a hospital transfer?
What steps do you take to monitor blood loss?
If I DO experience excessive blood loss, what do you plan to do to control it while we wait for the ambulance? (“Feed you a chunk of your placenta” is not an acceptable answer.)
The midwife in question is criminally negligent, so who knows if these questions would have been answered honestly, but also, if you are having a homebirth, make sure you have immediate access to a support person who is NOT your care provider (your romantic partner, a family member, a good friend) who will call an ambulance for you if you want them to. Have a CODE WORD if you want. Be safe.
Not everyone enjoys being eaten out, and that’s cool:
So in 2016, pussy eaters are far from rarities. There’s a good chance that by now, men who like doing it vastly outnumber those who refuse. Take the word of women who hate receiving; we pretty much have to physically fight guys off to stop them from latching onto us with their mouths. If you don’t respond positively to the basic experience of being eaten out, even competent oral is pretty icky.
But certain men aren’t willing to hear this. They often won’t listen to our clear statements that we’re not into it, because they’re going to be the special slobbery snowflakes who finally convince us how wrong we are about our own bodies. For men who appear to be in it only for their own ego—like Cosmo Frank—eating a woman out is far from proof positive of respecting her as an equal human being. It’s all about establishing how sexually accomplished and maybe even how feminist (!) they are.
Kiki and Herb, for now and always:
And then there was Kiki DuRane. Bond had started performing as Kiki in the late 80s, finding inspiration from a friend’s mother. “She was a showgirl in the 50s and got pregnant and had a kid,” Bond says. “She terrified me, but she was so amazing. Her physicality and the way she walked, the way she carried herself, her radical politics. She was the spirit of the character.” Kiki and Herb met almost accidentally after the gay pride parade. After marching and performing that afternoon, Bond realized it’d be hard to repeat the performance at a gig that night with Mellman. Kiki, then, came to the rescue. “I said, I can’t sing,” Bond says, “so we’re going to do our material as Kiki — and you’re Herb.” Bond and Mellman showed up before their gig in costume (and in character) and sat—and drank—in the back of the bar, casually interacting with the wait staff and some of the patrons. Then they hit the stage, and Bond interspersed their set with improvised anecdotes about Kiki’s life. “We got a standing ovation,” Bond says. “I thought, I never have to look good or sound nice again!”
no:
Dear Prudence,
I have been having the same problem with my husband for years. He sets his alarm incredibly early in the morning and mine goes off about two hours later. He gets up with his alarm about two-thirds of the time. Even then, he’s never the first to respond to it. Every single morning for 10 years, I’ve had to shake him awake to shut off his alarm, and sometimes I have to repeat it every 20 minutes until he gets up. I do not fall asleep so readily, so I am often awake in between snoozes. In addition, he is a great sleeper through the night, whereas I toss and turn and wake up for every sound the kids make. When he actually does get up on time, he works very hard on stuff, so I don’t want to insist he “can’t” set his alarm early. Is this just something I have to deal with? He’s a nice guy and a good husband. I just wish our sleeping patterns matched up better.
—Going Off
#BLMTOtentcity is happening, and we support the Torontonians who demand more from their city.
My heart is shredded from the Jian Ghomeshi acquittal. Not just because he’s an abuser, but because the judge went out of his way to belittle the victims. I’m so sorry. What are you reading about the trial? Please share.
I’m very glad that Tracy Morgan is back with us:
When Morgan woke up, he was blind for six days. (“Where I come from, you don’t wanna be blind for a second,” he says onstage, referring to his childhood in Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn.) He doesn’t really remember any of it: not the Delaware show, not the accident, not the initial recovery. But he’s convinced that he paid a visit to the afterlife during his coma, where he encountered his father, Jimmy Morgan, a gifted musician who died of AIDS from contaminated-needle use when Tracy was 19. Though Tracy jokes that he turned away from heaven’s white light because he “thought it was the police,” he’s pretty sure that it was his dad who sent him back to Earth.
“He was the one who said, ‘Go home, son. I ain’t ready for you yet,’ ” says Morgan. “I don’t think I cheated death. I think this was the plan. My room wasn’t ready.” He would have left behind Megan, Maven and his three kids from his first marriage, who range in age from 24 to 30. “I still have shit here to do,” Morgan says. “It’s gonna take more than 18 wheels for me to get out of here. I have to raise my girl, raise my wife, raise my family.” Exotic pets, too. “Gotta keep my octopus alive. Gotta keep my sharks alive. Those are God’s creatures! I’m needed!”
I woke up with the LR, and considering that it’s 1pm here I am not super proud of this. But I am making pikelets and drinking coffee and I am SO looking forward to my first real day off in ages, and now I have my reading material!
I have the day off, too!
Me too.
I don’t think I’ve had a day off since Christmas break/new years.
I was asleep when it went up and did not wake up until 2.30, so you’re doing better than me (I did get up and have breakfast this morning! I just went back to sleep after that).
I often only get to read the LR at work–and I work overnights.
“Gotta keep my octopus alive.” Fantastic.
“There’s a garbage bag in the hallway with a reef shark in it. Just put him in the tub with a reef.”
Yeah, the line between Tracy Morgan and Tracy Jordan gets pretty thin. His own take on it? “You have to be highly intelligent to get away with a dumb joke. That takes a pretty smart fella.”
“*She* is an orca, Benjamin. FYI, they’re very difficult to keep in a home aquarium.”
“Raise my wife” though?
^^ YES, THIS ^^
Especially when she’s apparently hella younger than him? Oh hell no.
Well, someone who’s recovering from major brain trauma gets a pass on the occasional odd word usage, for a while.
Plus I think he could have been going for humor by using that repetition. Using the same verb for multiple things is classic joke structure.
See, it’s the casual inclusion of Zachary Taylor’s presidential inadequacy that really makes this.
Cosign 100%
You guys, you guys! I am off work today because it’s a (weird) stat holiday in Ontario and my parents are here visiting (!!!!) and I am leaving to go to church in a few minutes but look at this Captain Awkward http://captainawkward.com/2016/03/24/842-i-have-a…
More red flags than a May Day parade in Moscow.
D:
Yeah, I got through the title and the first line, and I was a hot NO. And then I read the rest…….
I’ve only read the title. OMG.
“Oh man!” -me throughout this entire thing.
NOPE ROCKET.
I thought CA’s advice was GREAT. Dunno if this stars-in-her-eyes young woman will take it. Hope she has a few Get A Grip friends who can try and steer her right. Yikes.
ETA: After posting, I realize I know someone who had a similar situation. She married a man with five children by three partners, much to the dismay/horror of her family and friends, and they were together for 30-plus years until his death. Two big differences: there was not an age gap between them AND he was the custodial parent for at least three of the kids so she got to see his parenting skills up close and personal, 24/7, before making the decision to marry him.
A few weeks ago someone was asking about children’s books featuring strong female characters and people of color. I just found this website that has a great list, complete with pictures of the illustrations; I ordered two of them for my son immediately!
http://www.thealphaparent.com/2012/05/feminist-ch…
Thank you so much! I know I had asked about it at one point. These all look really great!
It’s good to have some new options – I was looking recently and came across this horror story https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/392830.Not_On…
a big thank you to the toastie who graced us with the dog/bird picture. You are a treasure.
*doffs hat*
Indeed.
I think “gotta keep my octopus alive” is going to be my motto for today and, perhaps, for all days going forward. Exasperating day at work? “Gotta keep my octopus alive.” Need to get back to the gym? “Gotta keep my octopus alive.” Losing patience with loved ones? “Gotta keep my octopus alive.”
I’m going to start yelling this at sporting events. “Keep the octopus alive, man! You can do it!”
While obviously the correct choice for women struggling with unwanted oral is to assert themselves and make their preferences clear to their partners I’m tempted to give them the same advice that was discussed in yesterday’s link roundup for what to do when you’re dragged to a BvS showing: book? Nap? If they’re set on going for it you take that time for yourself.
I had to endure unwanted oral this one time and if I could change anything I’d yell the following at the guy every 5 seconds….
”ARE YOU DONE?”
”ARE YOU DONE NOW”?
”THIS IS BORING!”
”WILL THIS EVER END?”
”IS THERE A POINT TO THIS?”
”I’M NOT SEEING YOU ANYMORE”
More details to follow, but last night my ex called me to tell me that what we thought was a series of infections combined with a stressed-out immune system may actually be either a rare autoimmune disorder, or cancer.
I was with her all night and might actually decide to move back in with her. Especially if it does turn out to be cancer because I’ll be damned if I let her go through this alone.
I’m so sorry to hear this. Only you know what feels right. On top of everything else . . . the universe is being particularly cruel to both of you. <3
Thanks <3 Yeah I’m having that thought a lot, and similar. The universe can go fuck itself.
I just… I hate to disbelieve people about their own bodies. But please keep a healthy level of skepticism here. It would be awfully convenient for her to have a rare autoimmune disorder that ties you to her as Official Caretaker for Eternity.
Yeah, I mean, I’ll see. When she told me I looked up pictures online of this immune disorder (lichen sclerosis) and was like… well… that does look like her body.
I definitely don’t want to come off like “bitches be lying”, but remember that you have to take care of yourself first.
Crossing my fingers that if it is anything it is indeed lichen sclerosis… a lot easier to treat than cancer!
No, don’t worry, it was a fair thought. You’re right, people do take advantage of others using stuff like this.
Lichen schlerosus is “a rare auto-immune condition”, but I think it’s more on the scale of getting diagnosed with eczema or psoriasis than getting diagnosed with Crohn’s or lupus. That’s to say that whilst it *can* be very serious and debilitating and disabling, for the vast majority of sufferers it’s minor lifestyle changes (different shower gel, getting rid of that particularly itchy sweater) and remembering to use your steroid cream. I wouldn’t assume it’s a “need huge amounts of support” situation. Definitely hope it’s that rather than cancer!
I thought about this, too, but not being close to this situation I am so far from being able to judge. “Healthy level of skepticism” is the right way to put it. And given the longer history, from what Social has said, keeping a second place still seems like the safest bet — even if she gets very very sick, it could be important to be able to take a break. And if it turns out to be less serious, having an alternative option already in place seems especially wise.
Yes, keeping a second place is so important. Caretakers need to take care of themselves to be useful to those who need them. Your own space will likely be best for both of you. Let me know if I can help. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been; contact me if I can help, Social. And I respect any choice you make. ::Toasthugs::
Oh, I’m so sorry. I am sending you prayers and wishes that whatever she is dealing with can be managed and this is simply a terrifying pit stop on the road to accurate diagnosis and better health. I’m also sending you prayers and wishes of support if the news is worse.
If it’s financial possible, I think it’s a great idea to spend as much time as you need as a caretaker, but with your own independent place. Regardless of whether you’re helping a current lover, an ex, a parent, a friend, it’s difficult to be the caretaker of someone in so much pain. Having a place to escape and be you will help you stay stable (and thus, make you a better caretaker.) I hope that you won’t even have to cross this bridge, as I hope your ex doesn’t need that kind of day-to-day assistance and support.
All the consensual hugs and/or sitting with you in companionable silence.
Thank you awnutts. I really appreciate it. I hope everything turns out fine too. Even if she does have the autoimmune disorder, from what I’ve read, it’s not a life sentence of pain, and there are medications she can take to minimize its effect on her life. The cancer, on the other hand, would require invasive surgery that could have a drastic impact on her quality of life. She had a biopsy this week, we should find out the results on Monday.
Thank you so much for the prayers and good thoughts. Thank you. This was really helpful to read and made me feel calmer.
Ugh. This is rough. Sending you lots of good vibes.
Some thoughts on diagnosing rare autoimmune disorders: If you’re thinking about moving back in with your ex because of a diagnosis, I strongly recommend waiting for a solid diagnosis that multiple doctors agree on before you make any decisions.
Doctors almost always start with the worst things first, since they want to act ASAP if there’s something that needs attention (cancer and other progressive illnesses). That means the first thing they talk about–and the first thing they look for–is the gnarly stuff, and in my experience, they don’t often tell you what their process is. It is TERRIFYING.
I’ve been through this process twice. I did end up having a very rare autoimmune disorder (took ten years to dx!), but it turned out to be the absolute least scary of all the scary options. It’s also the last thing they looked for, since it was one of the options that didn’t require immediate action. I spent about 2 months hearing that I probably had a terminal illness before I got my final dx (not terminal).
So if you’re not familiar with the cruel machinations of diagnosing rare issues, be aware that it can look far more dire than it really is.
Wow, I’m sorry to see that you still have not found a soft landing yet. Hoping for the best in terms of test results, and also, especially, that you can find a way to be a friend and support to this person while clearly and emphatically caring for yourself first. Boundaries = hard, this I know.
Wow, sending some prayers and good thoughts your way. You sound like an amazing, caring person, so please don’t forget to care for yourself and please let us know if you need anything. <3 Secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others!
I’ve had to delete all my Moxy Früvous from my phone. It was an important part of my childhood, but any time I hear his voice, I cringe. A conviction might have helped, who knows, but that’s not even an option.
. . . I hadn’t known until just now that that was him. The only song of theirs I have/know was “My Baby Loves a Bunch of Authors,” but I had enjoyed that song a lot . . .
Until right about now anyway, I guess. Sigh.
I used to really like that song, too. It popped into my head after reading about the verdict yesterday, and I’m just about ready to dig it out with a grapefruit spoon.
The part that keeps sticking in my craw (disclaimer: I have no idea who actually wrote the lyrics to this one) is “she said ‘turn it off, or I’ll call the cops, and they’ll throw the book at you!” Hmm.
I had forgotten about that line, but I had always appreciated a song that namechecks both Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Margaret Atwood. Sigh. Oh well.
I know. I know. Feh.
oh, EFF. I forgot that was them. I love that damn song. Well, loved, now.
I am with you. Did you see the statement from the rest of the band in the Globe and Mail ?http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/ghomeshis-former-band-speaks-out-in-wake-of-allegations/article21411340/?service=mobile
Realized too late that article is over a year old. The whole thing is just demoralizing.
Yep. Came out about a year ago. Along with this vid, that I am sure he now regrets: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSkjqK4SdP8
That is an impressively unequivocal statement from them. I was expecting a “we trust Jian” or a “let’s wait until we see all the facts” kind of thing, but they’re distancing themselves and stressing that they haven’t worked with him for 15 years.
Can I go back with 3 of 4 bandmates on the right side?
3 out of 4 is…sadly…a hugh step in the right direction. Sigh. What a world.
Apparently he had a reputation even then, which his bandmates either didn’t notice or ignored (sigh)
Yeah, I was scrolling through my music player yesterday and there is…so much. If it wasn’t gonna come up in shuffle that often, maybe, but…its association with high school nerd parties and road trip singalongs is way overshadowed now and I’m cringing thinking of younger me going “guys, you like They Might Be Giants, you’re gonna love this.”
So many of my college memories are listening to them, introducing them to other people, going to toronto for a show. The first websearch I did was on them.
But its just to tainted now. I can’t listen to them anymore with out being sad for his victims.
I have a bunch of friends who were fans, and exactly the right age to be taken advantage of, and all of them had crushes on Jian, and it’s just luck and lack of access that my friends weren’t the women on trial. I feel terrible about everything. And yesterday I had King of Spain stuck in my head, but…can’t watch it, can’t go there.
Dear Ghomeshi judge, this is a better way of doing it:
https://twitter.com/skykaveh/status/7129758958463…
six years! It’s incredibly frustrating to be so grateful that a man is actually going to jail for committing a crime, one that he pled (partially) guilty to, even. and yet: six years in jail!
I really hope the girl can put her life back together now that the trial’s done with.
I just don’t understand how someone’s personal pride can overrule the pleas of a person in front of them saying I AM DYING PLEASE GET HELP. If you’re a midwife because of the politics of birth you are doing it for the wrong. fucking. reason.
BLECH
Also Keep A Light On The Patient’s Body And Watch For Blood is literally something you learn on the first day of Intrapartum Care. They teach you all the emergencies first for a reason! You can keep the lights dim and the person comfortable and still use a little flashlight to watch for estimated blood loss.
Thanks Ms Demanuele for ruining it for countless others who will come after.
My heart breaks for Ms Lovell’s family and her baby who will never know her.
I clicked the article intending only to see what kind of charges would be filed, but I scrolled down and saw the picture of Caroline Lovell’s mom, and they have the same face, and something about that broke my heart even more. I’m done. All my emotional capital for the day has been spent.
Shit, I’m a mere baby working on prerequisites for my nursing degree and When in Doubt, Take Blood Pressure is already my motto
It’s a good motto! It also gives you time in which no one will talk to you, because you are Busy™, so you can gather your thoughts and start to make a plan!
I have low blood pressure and cannot for the life of me get doctors to take it seriously, even though I’m severely disabled, even when I’m passing out. I’ve heard lots of similar stories from other people with my medical conditions. The usual response I get from a blood pressure reading is “That can’t be right” or “Well. Aren’t you lucky not to have high blood pressure!” So considering how many medical professionals do not seem to be aware that low blood pressure can be a problem, I dread to think of how many of those ignore it in situations like these.
I FEEL YOU SISTER. I, too, have low blood pressure. When I was pregnant and my blood pressure was routinely 100/60 or lower, the nursing staff would congratulate me all the time and didn’t seem to believe me when I said THIS IS SO HIGH FOR ME. And also it’s REAL BAD for the baby.
Yet somehow I’ve decided to become one of those people? Who knows.
70/40 is the lowest I’ve recorded at home, but I think it gets a lot lower than that.
Was the pregnancy OK apart from that?
Literally sick reading this article. I had some excessive bleeding after my otherwise very easy 2nd birth and I was really struck by how quickly it happened. But my midwives (birth center) were extremely competent and jabbed me full of pitocin and monitored me relentlessly. My heart is breaking for this woman.
My sister-in-law decided to have a midwife for her second child, at a birthing centre. When she went into labour she went there and they told her you’re not in labour, no matter how much she argued that it was progressing the way her first birth had. They insisted they knew her body better than her and sent her home in tears. Where she gave birth, because she’d been right.
Via another forum I’m familiar with the author of this blog and her own personal story was horrifying.
https://safermidwiferyutah.wordpress.com/
Note: the blog deals with multiple cases of infant deaths and serious long-term health problems for both mothers and babies, so please avoid it if those are going to be triggering for anyone.
Let me just say I fell down the rabbit hole of these articles at about 11pm and could not stop until about 2 in the morning when I was crying and hyperventilating so hard that I went in and held my sleeping toddler and just thanked her over and over again for being the healthiest little snuggle chunk she can be and also emailed my OB and just said THANK YOU.
There is no line in Lucy DeCoutere’s interview that doesn’t make my heart weep.
Lucy also spoke at a #WeBelieveSurvivors rally yesterday in Toronto.
I definitely feel for her, along with the other women who pressed charges. I especially feel for the one whose case will be heard in a few months. This doesn’t bode well for her. Of course, she’ll be under more scrutiny anyway, but yeah. And I also feel for the remaining ones who told their story but opted not to press charges, since this verdict also means rape culture perpetuating assholes will be painting all of them as liars because of their ignorance to the fact an acquittal doesn’t mean crimes were not committed.
The only solace is that the likelihood of anyone hiring JG again is slim to nil, and that anyone who tries it will be in for a ton of backlash.
I had a home birth and when I was in midwifery school I studied with a couple of home birth midwives. A trustworthy home birth midwife will talk a lot at your first get-to-know-you consultation about their policies for transfers and collaboration with other providers BEFORE YOU EVEN BRING IT UP (unless it’s, like, the first thing you ask them about!). Nicole’s questions here are very good. Watch out for red flags.
In the US, most states legally permit licensed midwives (CNMs in every state: CMs and/or CPMs in some states) to do home births, but some do not! So…. When home birth is outlawed, only outlaws will deliver in your home.
I will defend to my dying day the right of every expectant parent to birth their baby where they want to, but realistically speaking if you live in a place where home birth is illegal or extra-stigmatized, your midwife may not have the resources to provide you with a transfer in a timely manner.
:-O We are so lucky: here in Yorkshire, most births are midwife-led in hospital or a birthing centre, unless you’re high-risk and need to be consultant-led. I was booked for a homebirth, which meant that I had a homebirth-specialist midwife, but she was based at the hospital with the other midwives so she could give me all the info on hospital births and the delivery suite and pain relief anyway. Plus, she came to my house for all my antenatal visits instead of me going to hospital, which was super handy!
In the end, my waters broke and labour didn’t start, so I had a hospital birth. (syntocin -> epidural -> forceps, kinda rubbish but BABY). Not all regions have the homebirth midwives and hospital midwives working so close together, but I thought it was an excellent system.
US-trained midwives learn all about the NHS midwifery service, with the emphasis on home antenatal visits, laboring at home with a midwife as long as possible, transferring into hospital when needed, delivering at home if that turns out best…. Most of us get all starry-eyed and happily jealous. The system in our country is not set up to promote physiologic birth; it’s set up to decrease lawsuits.
Nicole, every picture you have posted recently of Sansa and your husband, she appears to be eating his face.
To be fair, when I am overcome with love for someone, I do kinda want to eat their face. I just want all their amazingness and beauty to live inside me forever. Maybe Sansa feels the same way?
I think it is likely that is the case. I just find it hilarious. Not because I want Nicole’s husband to be eaten by Sansa, just that she obviously loves him so much.
I’m glad you understand and your response isn’t “You want to….eat peoples faces?! What is wrong with you?!” Which, tbh, was what I was thinking about myself as I typed this.
Face Eater Solidarity. teeth can be use to show love, too 🙂
Not everyone enjoys having their face eaten, and that’s cool (but Sansa may or may not care)
I’m currently visiting my in-laws and their 100-lb labradoodle and he can put his paws on my shoulders while I’m standing up! I’m a firm medium-sized-dog person in terms of what I want to deal with every day, but it’s pretty great.
I’ve heard of Kiki and Herb but never really knew what sort of act they were – I think I assumed they were like Captain and Tennille?
I think Peaches and Herb are the more famous of the “and Herb” duos.
The manager for the company that leases our office space is named Tennille, and all I ever think of is Captain and Tennille, yet I doubt she has any idea who they are.
Try slipping some lyrics into your conversations with her and watch for a reaction.
I went to see them the first weekend I was in New York after arriving there from my suburban town for college. I felt so cool, and I will always love them as a result.
So here’s a thing that made me really mad this morning:
“Rep. Chris Van Hollen seems an unlikely target for a Democratic super PAC’s biggest-ever primary campaign. A rising star in the party, the Senate candidate is a longtime protege of House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and a high-profile defender of liberal policies.
But he’s also a man running against a woman for the Democratic nomination to succeed retiring Sen. Barbara A. Mikulski (D-Md.), the longest-serving woman in Congress. And so the pro-choice women’s group Emily’s List is committing at least $2.4 million from its super PAC — Women Vote! — to help Rep. Donna F. Edwards defeat him.
Emily’s List argues that its mission is to elect pro-choice Democratic women, regardless of who gets toppled along the way. The group says its investment on behalf of making Edwards Maryland’s first African American female senator helps continue the legacy of Mikulski, the first woman elected with Emily’s List support.
“Making history 30 years ago was just as important as it is today,” said Emily’s List spokeswoman Marcy Stech.
Van Hollen’s supporters, including Maryland State Treasurer Nancy Kopp (D), contend that instead of spending so much to back Edwards, Emily’s List should focus on helping female candidates running against Republicans who don’t support the group’s agenda.” https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/md-politics/…
God forbid you should spend a lot of money supporting a woman of color when a perfectly good liberal white man is running! UGGGGGHHHHHHHH.
Oooh! I just read that article and it pissed me off too! Curious how they focused so much on Emily’s List when the article mentioned he’s been backed by the National Association of Realtors.
Yeah, the entitlement of Van Hollen’s supporters is something. Edwards is just as progressive as Van Hollen, as far as I can tell. And if she’s not, make the case! Don’t complain about Emily’s List trying to elect a progressive black woman.
There have been times when Emily’s List has supported questionable candidates who might be pro-choice Dems, but opposed to a lot of other ways to help women. This is not one of those cases.
Idk, I’m inclined to agree with the critics. It’s not like there’s an infinite amount of money in the progressive movement. And there are a whole lot of states where women’s rights are getting absolutely destroyed because there isn’t *anyone* decent getting elected. I think it’s tactically reasonable to say “why are we pouring money into a primary where both candidates are essentially on our side, when women in Texas will soon have to drive 8 hours for an abortion?”
At the same time, I think there is value in supporting people of color and women over white dudes, especially when the seat up for grabs has been long held by a woman. I also don’t trust liberal and/or Marylander dudes to actually defend reproductive freedom to be honest, based on the ones I’ve seen and known.
Well, I believe they are currently supporting a candidate in Texas, and they also backed Wendy Davis’s gubernatorial campaign.
As someone else mentioned, this isn’t a case of Emily’s List supporting a candidate because they are focused too narrowly on abortion rights to the exclusion of all else. Still, even as there has been this debate over how to pick candidates that have progressive values, their ultimate goal has always been to increase the representation of women serving in elected positions. Not just any women, but women nonetheless.
We’ve only just broken the 100 mark on the number of women in congress. I don’t think anyone is enjoying watching a fight play out between two progressive candidates, but because Maryland skews democrat, the winner of the democratic primary stands a good chance of winning the seat. If elected, Donna Edwards would be the second black woman senator, ever. Emily’s List is also supporting a candidate who would become the first ever Latina candidate. To me, that matters. It’s not the only thing that matters, but I appreciate that there is a group out there that’s focused on representation.
I get that, and I guess it’s probably a fundamental difference in strategy and priorities. But right now the balance in the Senate is so goddamned important if we want to have a supreme Court that’s not actively trying to destroy civil liberties, etc. And maybe it’s cynical, but if the district looks like a safe democratic seat– I dunno, put out an endorsement, make a moderate-sized contribution, and maybe save the big bucks for the seats we can flip?
Yeah, and again, I think that goes back to what I’m saying about their mission. I think if we were talking about the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee, then yes, they absolutely should be focused on such a thing. However, Emily’s List’s mission is about increasing the number of women in elected office. That means advocating for candidates both within the party during the primary process, as well as in general elections.
There’s an easy solution to this problem–Van Hollen can drop out of the race and support Edwards. Boom! Money freed up for other campaigns.
Yeah, I’m a little confused by what seems to be the presumption that Van Hollen is supposed to get the Democratic support, and Emily’s List and Edwards are doing something wrong by trying to win the election for Edwards. Why shouldn’t Edwards go for the seat just because she’s been on less prestigious committees in the House?
Donna Edwards is also awesome and arguably more progressive than Chris Van Hollen, so…
I don’t disagree with Prudie’s advice, exactly, but I’m pretty sympathetic to the husband. I set three alarms on my phone (the maximum number it will allow) as well as an alarm on one of those fancy clocks that starts glowing half an hour before the alarm goes off. Sometimes I will sleep even through all of this. I believe it’s because of my thyroid dysfunction: I keep my synthroid right by the bed so I can take it as soon as I wake up, since I stay pretty foggy until it has time to take effect. But the trouble is that I don’t always wake up enough to realize I need to take it. Or what day it is. Or why my alarm is going off.
It annoys my partner but we don’t live together, so the issue comes up less frequently, and I do have an easier time waking up all the way when there is someone present to talk to and struggle to consciousness with, so perhaps it’s not as bad as the LW’s situation. But I don’t see this ever going away, so. Price of admission! Maybe the LW and her husband should sleep separately on work nights.
The Burgomaster and I have separate bedrooms because of different sleep schedules and I can’t recommend it enough, if you have the resources. Our culture puts a weirdly unhealthy emphasis on sharing a bed as a sign of a loving relationship.
I’m so glad to hear you say this.
My partner and I are newly moved in together, and he’s been sleeping in the guest bed A LOT during the week, because he works so early.
I’m definitely struggling to accept it as okay, it’s getting better, but it’s definitely an anxiety trigger for me. Social scripts are so hard.
Best wishes navigating this for yourself! And (hopefully, eventually) Happy Sleeping!
I am experiencing something similar. Last week in Open Thread I asked for advice and got alot, including going to bed at the same time, ear plugs, white noise, etc. Luckily we wake up at the same time, but falling asleep and sleeping in the same bed is tough!
Social scripts ARE hard! I do share a bed with my husband, but he doesn’t like to be physically touching while sleeping, like spooning or anything (actually, I’ve never been with someone who did, which maybe makes me a little sad?). A while ago a stupid thing kept coming up on Facebook about “tell how emotionally healthy your relationship is by how/in what ways your bodies are entwined while sleeping!” (like “if you spoon you’re comfortable being vulnerable!” “if your legs are linked you’re independent but can be each other’s rock!” “if you’re not touching you’re A FRIGID BITCH probably”) and it pissed me off so much.
Oh god, don’t touch me while I’m sleeping NO NO NO NO NO and fuck that FB thing. Just fuck FB in general, really. The Burgomaster loves cuddling, though, so we make sure to have about fifteen minutes of cuddle time before I go to sleep. It’s my tucking-in time and it’s very important!
That is the sweetest thing. Also The Boyfriend did this for me last night because I had to go to sleep so early.
Aw! Good for Boyfriend!
My partner likes to cuddle during sleep, and I’m way too restless a sleeper for that to work for me, alas.
Seconded separate beds so much. Once we finally gave up on sleeping in the same bed, everyone’s sleep improved. He can go to bed & get up when he wants to, and so can I.
I mean, now it’s just me and the dog in a giant king-sized bed, but no regrets.
This is my dream.
My parents’ marriage has improved so much since they’ve had separate bedrooms. I mean it was never in any trouble, but they’re just generally happier around each other now they’re not being kept up all night.
We are currently in talks about this actually. I may start a thread in the Open Thread today to discuss. I HATE SHARING A BED OK askjaskh
My gentleman caller has just moved out and one of the main reasons cohabiting wasn’t working was sharing a bed. I’m a massive insomniac, he could sleep (and snore) through an earthquake… He is happier not being kicked every half hour, and I can get some sleep. The time we spend together is much better quality now we’re not living together.
I will happily discuss this in OT if you want to start a thread about it. Seriously it’s one of the best relationship decisions I’ve ever made.
Yes please!
We sleep in separate beds, separate flats actually, on work nights at the moment. I’ve got PTSD and apparently scream and shout quite a lot in my sleep. Other times we’ll sleep apart are if I’m having a pain flare and won’t be sleeping, or (very rarely now) a Restless Leg Syndrome flare.
There’s more than a bit of cultural baggage around it; think of the old cliche of a sitcom married couple having separate twin-sized beds rather than one big one. I’d long suspected that there might be something to it, as both sets of grandparents got separate bedrooms once all their kids had moved out.
My paternal grandparents didn’t share a bedroom and they were a very happy couple. I’m lucky that I had that modeled for me as a kid.
Husband and I tend to sleep in the same bed, but I’ve always made sure to *have* to bedrooms when living with a partner. Snoring, sickness, extreme early rising, fights…. all good reasons to have an extra space to sleep when you need it, if you can manage it.
Meanwhile The Boyfriend and I find we prefer bed-sharing. We probably sleep better alone, really, but we’re both really into spooning. One of my fave parts of any given night is when he comes to bed and I become the big spoon. Sigh. Best.
Rich tapestry, etc.
Yep. I can enjoy the occasional bed share, especially if it’s chilly and he doesn’t snore, but as a rule? Nope. And two of the happy thirty-plus-year marriages I know both involve people mostly sleeping in separate bedrooms. (With my folks, it’s because Dad is a “get into bed, turn the lights off, sleep” guy and Mom likes to read or watch TV until she drifts off.)
Ha! Yes, I am very much an immediate lights-out-to-sleep person. I can’t help it! I lie down and start yawning.
Have you tried taking your synthroid at bedtime? As long as it’s been a while since you ate last, you’re good to go and when I was working with a GP, he told everyone to do that. It shouldn’t mess with your sleep but it might make it easier to wake up!
That’s interesting. It wouldn’t have occurred to me, since in addition to the sluggish morning I also feel like someone unplugs me somewhere between 11pm and midnight, and I’d worry about the crash coming earlier if I took my pills earlier. But it’s something to ask about next time I get my levels tested.
Or maybe take a smaller dose twice a day? Back when I was taking Levothyroxin, we gave that a try to help me avoid my mid-afternoon crash. It didn’t help, but it was that I was becoming less responsive to the thyroid hormones in general. In any case, a trial run of a few weeks probably wouldn’t hurt (other than getting your blood taken a little more frequently during the trial period). Good luck!
That is…maybe a very good idea. I am really tempted to try it!
I love my jawbone fitness tracker partly because of the silent vibrating alarm. It might not help with your fogginess, but it’s nice for regular alarms.
I saw that upthread, and I am going to think about it. I do not currently wear my fitbit to bed, but it sounds like an adjustment worth considering.
I have a Fitbit, and I’m not sure it’d wake a heavy sleeper, but it’s worth trying. As well as messing around with meds timing, have you tried a dawn simulator? They wake you up by gradually increasing the light.
I cannot and will not wake up completely to the first alarm. However, I do get out of bed with the first (quiet) alarm and move to the other bedroom or to the couch. This works out for us, mostly. I get to have my hour of snooze/sleep and husband only gets the first wake-up sound.
(And he snores like a chainsaw, so I feel that the first alarm waking him up is just a fair trade for that.)
I have actually developed a complicated series of alarms to get me up and out the door in the morning.
7:05: first, super gentle alarm. Get up, go to bathroom. Brush teeth. Take all meds. Get dressed, brush hair. Go downstairs and lie down in the living room
7:25 (about the time I am getting to the living room): second alarm. This is the back-up alarm in case I somehow went back to sleep after the 7:05 alarm. If in the living room, I turn off the alarm and fall asleep
7:45: next alarm, keeps me from falling too deeply asleep. At this point, I usually also adjust my sleeping position so I am facing the bright windows.
8:00: GET UP!! level alarm. When this alarm rings, it is go time. And yet, I will sometimes check the “where is the bus?” app to see if the bus is running late. At this point, I start setting a 3 minute timer and rechecking. I don’t actually leave the couch until I see that the bus has left the station for real and is on the way. At this point, it’s just shoes, coat, and out the door.
Then I fall asleep on the T.
I have to lay everything out the night before, like for a small child, because I am such a zombie in the morning.
If you change the times, and the specific name of your public transit, this sounds pretty much like my mornings. I am also a Heavy Sleeper/Early Riser, and I am married to a Light Sleeper who somehow does not want to wake up at 5:00 (why?!?!?!).
She said he gets up two hours earlier than her, though, and doesn’t seem willing to try a method that doesn’t disturb her. I had that for six years. It was awful. I’m severely disabled and really need my sleep. Once someone has spent all that time involving me in waking up, my chances of getting back to sleep are poor. I think he had the nerve to blame me when one morning I slept through the whole thing and he was late for work.
When I was reading the Ghomeshi judge’s explanation as he was giving it, I thought, ” Oh, it’s just this one particular survivor he doesn’t believe. It can’t be all three.” But it was. It was.
What’s deeply effed is there’s a line in his decision about how his judgment is on the evidence and NOT a definitive statement as to whether the events didn’t happen, which makes the victim blaming stuff that much more demented. I am very hopeful that the next trial goes differently since it involves a CBC employee and they released that report that proved that he was a workplace creep for many years and management knew it.
That’s what got me too, with his defense lawyer as well. She never once contradicted the victim’s assertions that they were assaulted. His assaults were never on trial. THEY were.
One thing that’s really helped for me in terms of different wake up times is having a fitness tracker device. You can set a “silent” alarm, which vibrates when it’s time to wake up. Because I’m wearing it, I’m the only one who gets woken up. Even if you have a difficult time waking up, it also allows you to set multiple ones.
Yeah, mine has saved me from having to listen to the horrifying shrieks of what some cell phone manufacturer thought was a brilliant “gOOD MORNING!!!!” noise.
I normally use an actual alarm clock, but when travelling I will use my (very old) phone to wake me up in the mornings. Its default setting is a terrifying voice saying “TIME to get up! TIME to get up!”, and I have no idea who thought it was sensible.
They’re really kind of brilliant little devices, aren’t they? Mine (actually, I have a couple) will also chart how restful/restless my sleep is.
The Ghomeshi case has been filling me with this deep sadness since I heard about it yesterday, and I’ve been waiting for the Link Roundup to have a safe place to talk about it.
I knew he would be acquitted. I knew that. I knew the survivors’ testimonies were weak (in the eyes of the court, not in general, because they are brave beautiful souls) and I knew the defence would do a fantastic job at discrediting them by haranguing them about their sexualities and personal lives. I’m really shocked and dismayed that the Crown did such a godawful job at preparing their witnesses and allowed them to perjure themselves on the stand. I’m sad that those perjuries are being painted as malicious and intentional lies. I’m sad that while acquitting the judge took every opportunity to shame the survivors for not constructing a more perfect narrative with their stories. I’m sad that assholes everywhere will hold this up as another example of women lying to ruin men’s lives, even though the judge himself said that his decision did not necessarily presume innocence, but rather a lack of sufficient evidence.
I’m sad that I have to carry the knowledge that if/when I am sexually assaulted, I had better have a camcorder strapped to my body and a sterile vial to collect DNA samples handy, because the threshold for conviction is so high that undeniable physical evidence is the only way to prove anything, and even then it will still come down to what I said or did, how I said or did it, and how I acted in the aftermath. I understand and even support the presumption of innocence in our court system, but it is failing assult survivors, HARD, and there needs to be some sort of alternative to this circus. I don’t know what the solution is, but I know there needs to be justice for survivors. And I’m really sad that I can’t count on our highest courts to protect them.
This is why, while I know it has its own flaws, I have far more faith in the court of public opinion, not only with sexual assault but with police violence/murder, financial crimes and so on. I am baffled by people who continue to have faith in the justice system.
So clearly articulated, thank you.
Yesterday was hard, and it feels so heavy today still.
The threshold for conviction is so high that I assume that anyone brought to trial for sexual assault is guilty, unless proven innocent…which is clearly a highly unhealthy state of affairs. Like you say, I support the presumption of innocence in a court — indeed I think it’s a crucial element of justice. But when there are so many people being sexually assaulted and so few convictions, and so much scepticism, moral judgement and disbelief towards victims (even if they are the “perfect” victim), how could I possibly trust the people who are acquitted even though the justice system tells me they are not guilty?
It’s so difficult because I generally do think that the threshold for conviction of crimes ought to be high, people ought to be presumed innocent and where there is reasonable doubt, people should be acquitted…. BUT you’re right, this system is not working AT ALL. Changing societal attitudes (and thus attitude of the jury) would help, I’m sure, but it would take decades for that and the problem is too big, too urgent for a response that woolly. What can we do?!
Sigh.
Yeah, it’s kind of an unbearably huge question, right? What’s the alternative?
I do know that in Ontario (and possibly other provinces/states) there is a compensation board that hears victims complaints of damages suffered after a crime (not just sexual assault) and the board, depending on the claim, issues a payout and an apology, or like a recognition of suffering. I had a friend who was assaulted last year and went this route, and they also paid for her counselling. She said it was a huge weight off of her, just having someone in a official capacity acknowledge her pain and that what happened to her was wrong.
It’s not the same as criminal prosecution, because it holds zero consequences for offenders, but at least there is some avenue for survivors to get closure. I hope there are other similar programs out there.
That’s interesting — I’ve never heard of anything like that. (I’m from UK.) There was a suggestion in 2011 by the then justice secretary that rapists who plead guilty long before getting to court should have their sentences cut in the hope that this would encourage rapists to ‘stop denying charges and would relieve the victim of “going through the whole ordeal again and of being called a liar” in court.’ This suggestion was controversial to say the least. I can see the thinking behind it — like at the moment there is very little to lose for a rapist to just deny all charges but…yeah. CLEARLY problematic for all sorts of reasons.
This suggestion was also decidedly overshadowed by the justice secretary, who in the same interview, showing that he clearly did not know what date rape is — he defined it with the example of a 17-year-old having sex with a willing 15-year-old…which is not ‘date rape’ or even ‘statutory rape’ but a totally different offence called ‘sex with a minor’. As such he went and used the phrase ‘serious rape’ in opposition to ‘date rape’, which obviously led to (totally understandable) accusations that he thought some rapes weren’t very serious. Reading reports of what he said, I’m inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt and think that he thought sex with a willing 15 yr old was not as serious as rape, rather than the disgusting idea that some rapes aren’t serious. (Though even if he’s more ignorant than terrible, it really doesn’t say much for someone who is supposed to be the minister for justice putting forward ideas on how to deal with rape cases in court.)
I know that time moves forward in a linear manner, but how is Sansa so big??!!??
She is large . . . she contains multitudes!
I refuse the believe that Sansa has grown. She will always be tiny puppy. ALWAYS.
Perhaps the rest of the house and the people in it are actually shrinking over time.
OT but I won’t have internet later: I’m on a bus waiting to leave for Bratislava. I’m then taking another bus to Vienna tomorrow because every single person in Prague has warned me that there’s nothing to see in Bratislava. It’ll only be about a day in each, but I think enough to see if I want to visit again.
My last name is Slovak and it’s also a word in Slovak. It’s very uncommon and I never see it anywhere so I’m hoping that when I’m in Bratislava I might find something with my last name on it. There’s actually a store with my last name in the title and I’m really hoping it’s open over the holiday weekend.
oh, Bratislava is interesting, even if it is not Prague or Vienna! It has cool old Hapsburg architecture and a giant cherubic plague monument, and a really good opera house. Plus I think it is always fascinating to see smaller, prosaic towns in foreign countries in addition to the big spectacular ones favored by tourists, even if you didn’t have the personal connection, which you do. Enjoy your day there!
Report back later! Some of my ancestors came from Bratislava and I’d really like to go someday. I don’t know that people from Prague would be the most objective judges, really.
It was also non-Czechs who had visited Bratislava, so not all national bias.
My sister did a day trip to Bratislava while visiting Vienna this summer! I had been traveling with her and left before that part, but she seemed to enjoy it. And good luck finding your name there!
Bratislava is worth seeing because it’s tiny. It’s quite different from Prague and Vienna and is great to wander around. When I was there I went into a headshop totally on accident. (Vienna, however, is my favorite of all cities and you should spend eternity there.)
OKAY. I don’t know if this is weird, but I just noticed that you live in Prague — I research in Prague … !?!?! I am here right now… ! (Is this weird?)
P.S. My mom, who is a Praguer, has good things to say about Bratislava.
Hej, fellow Slováci!
I’m surprised by how many people have been to Bratislava! I’m still on the bus and traffic is bad, but I’ll get there some day.
Neat! My maternal line surname (well, my mom’s mom’s mom’s maiden name, before the family came to the US and changed it) is Hluska, which means “pear.” I don’t know where in Slovakia it’s from or anything but I hope to go someday and find out more! I hope you have a great time in Bratislava and Vienna!
What a coincidence, I have some Czech (I guess? They left when it was Czechoslovakia) cousins called Hruska. Same meaning. I think it’s just an agricultural surname.
Cool! Yeah, could be agricultural, or a personal descriptor of some sort. (Pear-shaped? Sallow? Generous?)
My main takeaway from that Tracy Morgan article is that he has a child who’s older than his wife. Oof. Why do we tolerate this from men who entertain us?
Not to mention the fact that apparently he can’t regard Caitlyn Jenner as a woman without immediately regarding her as a sexual object, threatening to “fuck the shit out of her.” Yelling Bitch, you should kill yourself!” at a woman backstage? Really? Fuck this guy.
Thank you, yes. I found all of that really repulsive.
Yyyyeeah, all of that really repelled me too. That and this: “Security cameras in and around his house feed to his phone – he loads the app again and again, looking in on his family.” That just kind of made me uncomfortable, I guess.
Why would it even occur to someone to do that? If you want to know what they’re doing, call them and see how they are. Even better, trust that they’re reasonable human beings who you don’t need to constantly monitor and who are allowed a modicum of privacy and ownership over their own lives.
Yep. I can’t think of a single really good rational reasonable reason to need to have that set up that couldn’t be better taken care of with: “Hey, trust your wife and kids to exist in their own home without your help, and if you’re worried, maybe call or text if you really need to.” Because something like that–especially loading the app again and again–feels to me like it isn’t about making them feel safe, it’s about reassuring yourself that they can’t do anything without you knowing about it.
The only reasonable explanation that occurred to me comes in two parts: 1) shit rich people do just because they can, and 2) that app is something he particularly relied on during his long hospital convalescence? (I didn’t read the article, don’t know if that makes sense.)
I guess I don’t get how that’s different than a nanny cam? He’s on the road a lot, his kid’s like two, this isn’t that weird to me.
I dunno, it’s probably just my personal experience, maybe–Having grown up/still living in an area where a lot of parents both worked long hours/one traveled more than was home/was deployed and never having met anyone who ever had used a nanny cam of any kind, I guess the whole idea seems kind of strange to me, because my brain just goes, “Your wife is home taking care of the kid, so that’s everything taken care of.”
But like I said, that’s might just be my perspective.
I don’t know anyone with a nanny cam either, but I feel like 100% certain that Tracy Morgan’s daughter has in-home childcare. It may or may not be the octopus with a jingly toy in each arm.
I don’t know why I’m so defensive of Tracy Morgan today!
Also “I have to raise my girl, raise my wife, raise my family.”
Raise my WIFE?
THANK YOU I was like “is nobody else seeing this!??!?!?!”
hemm…well, there are a lot of reasons to hold Tracy Morgan accountable for all kinds of things, but his wife is a very nice & good person (we went to school together, and not that it matters) whose agency to be with whomever she wants regardless of age gap is up to her. I hesitate to say something about his misogyny by remarking about his wife’s age (a comment which is inherently linked to sexuality vis a vis youth & fertility) as her defining feature. If we can regard Caitlyn as something other than a sexual being, maybe we owe Megan the same respect *even if* we’re think we’re defending her?
I mean…..he said he has to stay on this earth to “raise his wife,” is the thing I think tachyonEvan was referencing.
I’m a deeply semantic person, because I think it matters–not that there isn’t room for misspeaking–but it’s important to me to say, “why do we tolerate men infantalizing their wives?! what the actual fuck??” The problem isn’t *that* there is a big age gap / that she and his children are the same age, which limits her agency as a 30 year old, but that he expressed something non-egalitarian about their age gap. “Raise my wife” might mean “take care of” or “be there for” but is all, all, all, kinds of wrong. But one way perpetuates the premise that she’s an object, the other is a criticism of his expressed attitude (which, ya know, fair game).
Yeah, also the whole “If my son were gay, I would pull out a knife and kill him” thing.
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE.
I don’t wish death on Tracy Morgan and I’m glad he did not die because he is a human being with people on this earth who love him, but I do not like him and I do not like the things he says to/about other human beings and I can’t find my heart warmed by his octopus or whatever.
There are a lot of really gross things Tracy Morgan says and does, and this is not to excuse them, but I feel like it’s important to remember that he does have a pretty significant traumatic brain injury.
That is not an excuse to be an asshole.
Oh man my friend on facebook, you are a good friend and a nice person and that is why I’m sticking this out, but I got a suspicion that we are never going to see eye-to-eye on trans issues aaauuuuggggh
I once allowed myself to succumb to Someone Is Wrong On The Internet Syndrome after a friend of a friend posted a dumb thing about trans people and bathrooms. It went nowhere fast.
we have just gone in a very, very long circle from my sharing an “I am comfortable sharing a bathroom with trans people message” to some kind of intricate, “people with penises who like vaginal intercourse shouldn’t be allowed to use the women’s bathroom, but also no one should have to prove they have a right to be in the bathroom so it’s not clear what the purpose of having made this distinction in the first place is”
Holy shit dude, I just read through all that and it is so Michigan Womyn’s Music thingy it’s making my head hurt
she is a very good friend of mine and a good person, but…I mean, this is a thing that presents as feminism, but she is also deeply Catholic, and I think that has connected to it some extremely inflexible ideas about sex and gender identity.
Yeah, I could totally see that.
I think a lot of this is that we’re taught to think of sex and identity in terms of categories, rather than as spectrums, and so a lot of people don’t really understand how many kinds of trans people there are (and cis people, in fact); people always think then, “oh this is an easy solution, we’ve only got like three or four combinations we have to deal with.”
I thought the true horror of this “dear prudence” was the wife who wants her husband never to repeat a story – so even with new friends, if she (his wife!) has heard it before, he isn’t supposed to re-tell an anecdote. She thinks this poor man should sit in bleak silence until he gets a new story, and then he can tell it One Time in her hearing?! Mallory disagrees of course, but still I kind of want to go break the poor man out.
Yeah, she’s terrible. Also, I think it’s fun to hear repeat stories from family members sometimes? I mean, I was just at a family funeral and, like, it was 40% catching up with folks and 60% telling stories that we all knew anyway and laughing about them.
And, like, HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS if he’s not allowed to tell them any stories unless his wife isn’t there? If I were this man, I’d just start un-inviting my wife to all social gatherings. “Oh, I’d love for you to go to this dinner party, too, but I might tell a story you’ve already heard and I wouldn’t want to put you through that torture!”
Oh god, with the extended family there are legendary stories we clamor to hear again! I love that.
Or, like, what if someone THINKS they’ve told you a story but they really haven’t??
Like. MrChouffe swore up and down that he’d told me an amazing story about his mum, but he hadn’t! And he was SHOCKED that I didn’t know that his tiny soft-spoken mum had pinned his middle school headmaster to a wall. But I didn’t! And now I do! But I would never have known if he didn’t occasionally repeat (or THINK he was repeating) stories!
I’ve never met MrChouffe or his mum and I want to hear that story, that’s how amazing it is!
My favorite pastime with my cousins is reliving all our other family reunions and the ridiculous shit our parents did and said at those reunions! I don’t know what we would do without those retellings. Wife definitely comes off as a bit of a shrew – and how has SHE never, ever repeated a story??
And, like, I had to get stitches basically in the middle of the night a year or two ago. My dad met me at the ER and stuck with me through all the waiting (he is so the best) and when the weird, ouchy stuff started, I made him tell me stories; stories I already knew. They were funny, and they kept my mind off how weird my finger felt when it was full of anesthesia.
I want to start a gofundme or something to send him on, like, a 3-month sabbatical from his life, so he can have adventures and develop a new repertoire of stories. I sympathize with the wife for being annoyed, up until the point where she doesn’t seem to realize everyone does this to some degree, and thinks she should put a stop to it.
Yeah – I kept waiting for it to be “he keeps telling me the same story” or “he keeps telling our same friends the same story, and they’re all annoyed but he doesn’t realize.”
But it’s not! It’s new people!
If they invite him back, he probably didn’t do too badly!
Yeah, of course one’s partner can start to be a little dull when they break out that long story about the golf game again, again, again – but you can decide to appreciate it fondly, instead of deciding to feel scorn. I would be so humiliated if my friends or partner always shut me down with ‘you’ve told us this one’. [ETA: at home, alone w partner, yes okay, I don’t want to be boring, but you can still be gentle about it.]
You could also decide that’s your cue to go to the bathroom or see if people would like a drink refill or something
Right?! I mean, I understand her frustration, when you’re hanging out with new friends and want to get to know them, hearing your partner tell the same story for the 50th time can be irritating! But, we all only have so many stories. The stories your new friends would be telling you are ones they’ve told a million times before. You have to let your partner tell their stories! And maybe spend more time having separate social lives.
Yeah, I often prompt one of my good friends to retell one of her stories to someone who hasn’t heard it. It only gets old if it’s like the third time in a week or two, and it’s not like I can’t walk away for a bit and rejoin!
Yes, take a moment to walk into another room and let the poor man reach out to others in whatever way works for him. The fact that she and her daughter are both annoyed but she can’t hear it when “my sons say I’m being mean” — well you and your daughter can go hang out with others any old time. Or leave the room for five minutes, ye Gods.
the gender divide in who is annoyed is very interesting! I wonder if he is in fact steamrolling over conversation or something, and the women are picking up on it but can’t quite articulate what he’s doing wrong so they latched onto the story repeating. Or, they feel obligated to manage social situations on his behalf instead of just letting him be his potentially awkward self.
I mean, I have no idea what’s really going on in this family, but let’s blame the patriarchy if we can.
It’s possible. I did date a guy for a long time who was a big story teller. He’d take forever to tell them and kind of monopolize the conversation. He was good at telling them, so it was fun talking to him when we were getting to know each other. But later, when we were at social events together, I’d feel like this huge percentage of the time I could be spending talking to new people was monopolized by repeat stories. But I wouldn’t ask him not to tell them to people who seemed to be reasonably enjoying themselves! I’d just go get a drink, or take the first opportunity to ask someone else about themselves.
“Or, they feel obligated to manage social situations on his behalf instead of just letting him be his potentially awkward self.” Yesss, I struggle with this, and my mom totally does it to my dad. Stupid patriarchy. (I manage it by going off and doing my own thing at parties when I start to feel anxious!)
I prompt my partner to tell stories I have already heard to new people all the time! They’re good stories and I want him to get to share them.
My wife recently, after a lovely evening hanging out with new friends, said that she feels sheepish that I’ve heard all her stories before. But honestly, I love watching her tell them. I love her animation and her gestures and her voice and watching new people react to them. It doesn’t bore me that I know them already; it makes me feel like we’re a team.
Yes! And it’s lovely when you’re partner prompts you: “Well, like when you had that crocodile infestation, darling…” *nod nod prompt*
Exactly!
So like…I sort of empathize because my boyfriend of not quite two years (we live together and have for over a year and have reached An Understanding about getting married) tells *me* the same stories over and over again. Most of the time I just let him talk because price of admission, but sometimes I’ll gently or goofily cut him off. He also has a tendency to repeat the same jokes over and over for a while*, and sometimes it’s annoying AF and I tell him so, but most of the time it’s whatever. I love the hell out of him and he’s made my life immeasurably better, and he loves me even when I am frankly unloveable, so I’m willing to put up with it.
*Example: we recently found out our cat Lucy is actually a Louie, and he spent the entire 20ish minute drive back from the vet talking out the funniest possible way to announce it on Facebook. Dozens of iterations of the same sentence. I would have been annoyed but for the absurdity of the whole thing.
We might be cohabiting with twins. ;D
Oh, it was definitely the true horror. This lady would HATE me. I have beloved stories I love to break out with new people (and old friends, who am I kidding?), and my husband knows them so well that sometimes he asks for them (or tells them himself, especially the ones where I’m acting particularly silly). Storytelling makes us human, for gods’ sakes. Does this lady hate fairy tales? Or rewatching movies or rereading books?
I think maybe she is a robot?
Pretty sure on multiple occasions, I’ve asked my boyfriend to tell me bedtime stories about his childhood pets even though I’ve heard them all before (he had some weird ones: Chinese Crested dog, 2 hairless cats, an albino boa constrictor, and poor Pumpernickel the rabbit who wasn’t weird but died after like a week).
I am a serial story repeater and one of the reasons I love my husband so much is the number of times he has totally let me repeat a story I already told him without revealing he’d already heard it.
Once, my then-boyfriend and I did a long trip by bicycle–over four months. We stayed with a lot of strangers we knew via the internet, or found at bicycle shops and grocery stores….and 90% of the time, you’re trading an indoor bed and shower and possibly a meal and beer, for your stories! Especially other bicycle tourists, they want to hear everything about your trip.
Which meant we both heard each other tell a rotating list of the same stories night after night after night for MONTHS. And yeah, we started to get sick of hearing each other tell them, but it went with the territory!
And now that five years has passed, when we hang out we make jokes about those stories–the “many slopes” guy! Hitch-hiking in Saskatchewan when my chain broke! That time a bear scared the shit out him in Glacier National Park!
Man, Mallory’s advice to the alarm clock LW is so good & simple and it makes me super sad that the LW has (apparently) never felt entitled to do it before.
” Frankly, I’m impressed you haven’t murdered him, as I would have long ago.” Bless her a thousand times.
Re: Cunnilingus – I read something the other day that was basically “ladies, let your boyfriends eat you out!” and sort of assumed that women are hesitant to receive oral because of shame or discomfort with their bodies. And I’m sure that there are women who WOULD enjoy it if they could let go of those feelings, if they weren’t worried about how they smelled or tasted.
But there are also plenty of women who just plain don’t like it. I taste fucking delicious, but I don’t really get all that much pleasure out of receiving oral. I have encountered more than one man who really enjoyed it and thought that the reason I didn’t was because I hadn’t had it done right. I will concede that when it is done skillfully and enthusiastically it is more enjoyable than if the giver is reluctant or just unskilled, but even then, your tongue is not gonna get me where we’re trying to go, and if you have a beard, the tickling/scratching of your whiskers is going to distract me from any pleasure you might be giving.
Yeah, I have a vulva and am willing to go the rest of my life without receiving head. Like, my partner is good at it and derives pleasure from giving and it’s okay, but I’d rather get fisted or go down on him really. Or any of a number of other things that don’t involve our junk at all. Like… Meh?
Yes! My feelings on it come & go, and I can enjoy it … but why bother, when there are other faster ways to get to the point?
my official stance is, “sure, if you enjoy it, go ahead.” ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Yeah I also do not love getting oral sex (I need much more focused and intense stimulation than a mouth/tongue can provide), and having a guy get Super Weird about not wanting him to do it even though we had spoken previously about how I do not like it really put me off dating dudes, frankly. Give me my hitatchi or give me …. um….. fingerbanging I guess?
In other news, I LOVE the word “fingerbang.” I don’t know why, it just sounds great.
There’s a nail place in my city called Fingerbang!
Relatedly, while I don’t want to go back to the fifties-style “…female orgasm? The devil you say!” mindset, I also wish more guys would stop Taking It Personally when women don’t get off. Sometimes–especially on certain SSRIs–it doesn’t happen, or it takes so much brouhaha that it’s not worth it. It’s not you. Relax, get off, accept that I’m having a good time here* and we can go get pancakes.
*If orgasm was The Point, I could do that myself in five minutes and not have to talk to anyone.
Yes! I have had to explain many times that I’m not going to orgasm, stop asking if have and just get on with it so we can both have some fun.
On getting head; I don’t particularly like it, and I used to think it was for self conscious/awkward reasons, but honestly it’s because the majority of guys just aren’t good at it or don’t do it for me and I get bored and uncomfortable. I have dated one guy who was good at it, and even then I only let him do it occasionally, I have to be in the right mood. So much of it is mental for me that if I’m not into it it’s just weird. I also dated a guy who claimed to be turned on by my orgasm, but it was really about ego for him, he thought of himself as good at sex and that was that. (Don’t get me wrong, we had great sex, but I did fake a lot orgasms in order to move things along)
Exactly. It also doesn’t help, with me, that I often get off really easily the first couple times and then…much less so once I’ve actually been with the dude for a bit. So they’re like “…but this worked before!” and I have to think of a diplomatic way to say “Yeah, but you’re not new and shiny now, so.”
Oral…I like it okay, but as someone else said, the pressure/speed doesn’t often work for me, plus I always worry about tensing my thighs too much and damaging the guy’s jaw or something.
Yes. Sometimes it just isn’t going to happen. Doesn’t mean I’m not having fun, but trying to make Fetch happen, as it were, will take the fun out of it if I’m just not feeling it.
Sometimes sex can just be pleasant, and that’s okay.
“trying to make Fetch happen” is the best term for that sort of thing.
WHERE ARE THESE DUDES JFC getting (good!) head is basically my favorite thing on the fucking PLANET. And I keep ending up with dudes who either refuse to do it at all or just aren’t into doing it for very long. GAAAH
This happened in California:
http://myvalleynews.com/local/temecula-motorists-…
The police decided it was a family disturbance, not a kidnapping. Does this make anyone else’s warning lights come on?
I mean, how long would it have taken to, at the least, call the mother?
“Deputies determined . . . she was never in any danger and the incident was nothing more than a family disturbance. . . because no crime had occurred and deputies were able to calm the daughter, she was released to the custody of her father and no further investigation was necessary.”
NOTHING MORE THAN? That’s some fucked up father/daughter situation no matter how you slice it.
Yes, 100%. My reaction is naturally colored by my own experiences but I’d say there’s some form of abuse going on there.
(The neighbors called the cops a couple times when they could hear my stepdad screaming at me. They’d knock on the door, he’d show the cops HIS badge which outranked theirs, and they’d leave because Of Course Nothing Could Be Wrong Here.)
Oh shit, I used to live in Temecula, not very far from where this happened. My money’s on kidnapping.
Fuuuuuuuuck, that reads to me like a horror story. Because I could have easily been that girl, though I didn’t quite have the nerve to drive a vehicle away. But I am just so heartbroken for that girl, and I wish I knew how to reach out to her.
Here’s Scaachi Koul on the Ghomeshi trial and anger: http://www.buzzfeed.com/scaachikoul/today-is-bad
This is a really great article, thanks for sharing.
Is this Ted Cruz sex scandal brewing a Thing, or…?
http://www.clickhole.com/article/tough-call-ted-c…
Amazing
God bless Clickhole (and The Onion).
I can’t imagine anyone wanting to have sex with Ted Cruz. There, I said it.
I am having a hard time getting over the fact that he just quoted Michael Douglas’s character in The American President in defense of his wife instead of coming up with something original.
How could he be a fan of The American President? Does he see the antagonists doing a how-to guide?
Cruz is apparently kind of obsessed with pop culture: http://www.avclub.com/article/pop-culture-ted-cru…
I have been posting on facebook about the whole Ghomeshi thing a lot (full disclosure: I have loathed Jian through the entirety of his career at the CBC, and vividly remember the early 00’s when I seemed to be the only woman in Canada who did not douse her drawers over him) and yesterday a friend contacted me to cry about the trial dredging up her sister’s assault that happened just as we were becoming friends so I didn’t know before and she is so far away and i am so upset but not at all surprised that this is how this went…
If anyone is ready for a little humour, the Beaverton (Canada’s Onion) is already on this – they posted so fast they had to have had this prepared before the decision ever came down: http://www.thebeaverton.com/national/item/2552-gh…
It’s either biting black humour or cry, scream, and throw things, so thank you for that.
The Beaverton is incredibly on point with Gomeshi: http://www.thebeaverton.com/national/item/2555-na…
Every time a link from The Beaverton ends up on my facebook feed I do a double-take, because Beaverton is the name of a Portland (Oregon) suburb that my parents and brothers live in. “Why is a suburban newspaper reporting on Canada….oh wait.”
I’ve loathed him ever since I found out about him, which was during his interview with Kate Beaton when I first moved to Canada. I was thoroughly creeped out by his behavior to her on the show and was like, “DUDE, you’re old enough to her dad! And you’re on the air, FFS! Why do you think that acting like that is ok?” I avoided watching anything else with him in it after that. Just–the vibe from him was so bad.
I need to develop better judgement about When To Read A Thing. Because that home birth story has me BAWLING. That poor woman. Her poor daughter. Her poor mother. I can’t.
We all get that the Dear Prudence lady who doesn’t want her husband to retell a story because “He should consider everyone in the room” is just asserting her right to be the only person in the world her husband should ever be concerned about pleasing, right?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this phrasing from emotionally abusive people. “You have to consider that not everyone likes that” means *I* don’t like it, so you have to stop even if everyone else you spend time with does. It’s a behavior-controlling phrase.
This isn’t to say you can’t ask your partner to stop doing things just because you don’t like them! But when you bring in the hypothetical feelings of the entire world, it’s a manipulation ploy.
This makes a lot of sense to me, and explains why I felt so icky and weird after reading that.
That would also explain why leaving the room doesn’t seem like an option — because he is then talking to “everyone in the room [except HER].”
Yes! Very well put. I found her so upsetting.
Oh man, that oral sex article: “too much gratitude expected.”
Maybe this is just my nature, which tends toward “overly conscientious to the point of ridiculousness and making me actively unhappy,” but sometimes sex can really feel like the height of performative femininity and getting eaten out can be moreso than that. I once read an article where part of the author’s point was that many girls who are not yet having sex develop a general idea of what a woman is supposed to look and sound and be like during sex due to consumption of fictionalized versions of sex (movies, TV, fanfic, whathaveyou). And that’s not to say that this is a BAN FANFIC statement (as if), but it’s just a snarly mess to untangle.
And then there are always dudes who are clearly only doing it to get some sort of “got a woman off” toxic masculinity merit badge.
I have a male friend who said that he thinks he’s pretty decent at sex (he may be, we have not and never will have sex so I’ll never know) and one of the reasons was that he goes down on women. And I was like “yeah, so does basically every guy I’ve ever slept with. It’s super common”.
Oh my god, this makes me even more annoyed with my one and only sex partner to date, who when I asked him to go down, sighed heavily and warned me that most guys didn’t like to do that before proceeding to do the most half-hearted job I could possibly imagine.
(The whole experience was like that. Frankly, I had more fun at the party I went to after he got dressed and went home, drinking weird Bloody Marys, scarfing candied almonds, and yelling about Pride & Prejudice with a guy that I’m 90% sure was gay.)
You’re totally justified in being annoyed at him for saying that instead of something along the lines of “sorry, I don’t really enjoy doing that”. It’s a lie. Most of the guys I’ve been with would live down there if they could.
If Tina Fey put that “raise my wife” joke on Kimmy Schmidt, we would all laugh.
When Jian Ghomeshi was first accused, I remember him accusing people of demonizing his sexuality, because he is into BDSM.
This just makes me so so filled with rage. Like, people like this exist in the BDSM community, but on the whole YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER. If you are a dom, you should have figured out the limits before with your submissive, and if any negative words or phrases are supposed to be part of the scene, you should have a safe word. And if you are no limits (no safe word) you should probably know this person/people VERY well or at the very least have explicitly talked about everything that is on the table beforehand. Using the excuse that this is your sexuality is wrong, disgusting, and no excuse at all. BDSM =/= non-consensual.
Sex columnist Dan Savage wrote about that at the time as I recall. He also wondered why former BSDM sex partners of JG’s weren’t coming forward to defend him. One did, and he interviewed her. One.
This might be a little TMI, but the “I hate oral” article touched a nerve, and I am in desperate need of advice. Or commiseration. But mostly advice.
I love getting oral. I put it right up there in my list of favorite things with Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food, Alan Rickman movies, and Street Fighter Alpha 3. My fiancee is not opposed to giving head but sees it as a means to deliver orgasms when vaginal penetration either fails or is not possible for technical reasons. For some reason, he doesn’t see the need to incorporate oral into his foreplay repertoire. I’m reluctant to talk to him about this because a really mean ex-girlfriend instilled in him some performance issues that he still has some anxiety about. We have good sex. Occasionally, we have great sex. I just wish my clitoris was given a little more attention. I don’t want to insult his intelligence by lecturing on him on the science of female arousal or hurt his feelings and send him into a performance relapse. How can I tactfully tell him, “Hey, babe. I’m glad you are into me and the idea of having sex with me right now, but I need a little time to warm up to the idea. Please refer to my clitoris and she will buzz you in when I am ready”?
I think with stuff like this, it always helps to frame it as praise (“I enjoy [x] thing, could you do it more?”) rather than criticism (“I do not like when it when you do [x], stop it”). Maybe it would help to just say “I really love it when you go down on me as part of foreplay,” with a side compliment of “you’re so good at [specific thing],” “it gets me really turned on when you [other thing].”
Meanwhile my boyfriend only thinks of oral as foreplay, and I want it until I come, as it’s literally my favorite way of coming. WHY DID YOU STOP. WHY ARE YOU STOPPING. Alas, usually the answer is “my jaw is starting to ache,” and as a person with TMJ disorder, I can sympathize.
But with your dude? DUDE. I’ve been known to flat-out say, “I’m not ready yet, can you touch me here/kiss me there/____?”
Reading other people’s experiences of oral– hating it or not getting enough– is mind-expanding. I don’t think I would date someone seriously who didn’t do it, it’s the best orgasm in the world when done correctly. I don’t have a lot of patience for “b-but the taste…” from any dude whose balls smell the way balls smell. I also could have a sex life that’s 99% just mutual hands and mouth stuff. What I don’t understand is people’s fixation on penetration– sure it feels good, if done well, but I actually cannot imagine that being satisfying as the main act.
Admittedly, I also think of a fist fight as foreplay so.
Hard same to your entire first paragraph. To everyone else’s point, too, oral from someone who isn’t into it or isn’t good at it (probably because they’re not into it) is wrreeeetched.
Sansa is so huge! She’s person-sized!
That story about the negligent midwife is so horrible. I don’t know what the system is like in Australia, but I feel like any system which has a big division between “hospital births” and “midwife assistance” is a really bad idea, as it seems like it can so easily lead to bad situations. The NHS is far from perfect, but I think the fact that midwife-led care is a big thing is so important – giving birth in hospital still means the majority of care is likely to come from midwives, and having a home birth doesn’t mean being transferred to hospital if necessary is difficult or unusual.
“Gotta keep my octopus alive” is a wonderful reason for wanting to live. I am not so sure about the “I have to raise my wife” bit, though.
WRT Wonder Woman: Where is Philippus?
My partner likes to cuddle during sleep, and I'm way too restless a sleeper for that to work for me, alas.
We sleep in separate beds, separate flats actually, on work nights at the moment. I've got PTSD and apparently scream and shout quite a lot in my sleep. Other times we'll sleep apart are if I'm having a pain flare and won't be sleeping, or (very rarely now) a Restless Leg Syndrome flare.
I have a Fitbit, and I'm not sure it'd wake a heavy sleeper, but it's worth trying. As well as messing around with meds timing, have you tried a dawn simulator? They wake you up by gradually increasing the light.
She said he gets up two hours earlier than her, though, and doesn't seem willing to try a method that doesn't disturb her. I had that for six years. It was awful. I'm severely disabled and really need my sleep. Once someone has spent all that time involving me in waking up, my chances of getting back to sleep are poor. I think he had the nerve to blame me when one morning I slept through the whole thing and he was late for work.
70/40 is the lowest I've recorded at home, but I think it gets a lot lower than that.
Was the pregnancy OK apart from that?