The state of being chill is one of the most powerful and useful ways for a body to avoid experiencing stress, yet very few humans are capable of entering such a state for an extended period of time. Thus, the effects of extreme chill on the body are largely unknown to us. I propose to develop a set of guidelines on how to perform maximum chill on the human body. I would like to apply for a $100,000 grant to research the effects of extreme chill on the human body, namely mine. This grant will allow me to develop and sustain a chill environment, and acquire the proper observational tools to record my findings over a six month period.
Aim 1: De-stress the home
Challenge: Many things in my apartment cause me personal stress, such as the noise the Roomba makes, or access to the internet. However, doing things about them also cause me stress.
Approach: By hiring a part-time assistant to silently clean our home, field all emails from concerned editors wondering where my assignments are, and call up RCN and fight about disconnecting our cable and internet service, I will create an environment in which a large amount of relaxation can occur.
Impact: This environment will facilitate my experience of chill.
Aim 2: Handle personal and professional relationships
Challenge: People expect things from me and this also causes me personal stress.
Approach: By disconnecting my phone and internet service, my friends and family will no longer be able to make me feel guilty by saying things like “wow, you’re so busy!!” when I tell them I don’t have time to get together this week. Similarly, the grant will cover my bills, so freelancing will no longer be necessary.
Impact: Observing these relationship changes will help determine if relationships are even necessary when all your bills are paid for.
Aim 3: Enhance chill
Challenge: To discover the optimal environment for extreme chill.
Approach: The approach to this challenge will be multi-faceted, as the needs of a completely chill environment are many. We will need to somehow get rid of rain and clouds but also ensure the safety of our forests, as overcast days and the fear we are killing our planet are two of my biggest sources of stress. We will need to completely dismantle the kyriarchy so I am never again made to feel lesser for various points of my identity. We will need to find a permanent cure for lactose intolerance so my tastebuds can determine how much cheese I can eat, not my stomach enzymes.
Impact: I will personally be very relaxed and in turn I assume that will make others more chill.
In addition to my personal observations, this research will provide the larger community with an open-source toolbox of methods to achieve extreme chill. Any leftover funds will be used to buy me a pink jacuzzi.
As someone currently working on a proposal that is not chill in the slightest, I would love to write a Letter of Support for this project.
But how much money will it take to bribe every voter in the US so my preferred candidate wins and I can stop worrying America will become a real-life YA dystopia?
Sadly I argue we’re already in a dystopia, but without all the really cool clothes and machines you see in the movies.
Maybe, but we haven’t yet reached the unisex-jumpsuit, universally-bizarre-baby-names, everything-in-your-life-is-determined-by-The-Proper-Noun status of a YA dystopia. And I’m damn glad, because I’m aging out of Scrappy Teenager and there’s no sympathetic character roles between that and Grizzled 40-Something Mentor.
Woohoo! I’m 40-something. Off to work on my Wisdom and Dismissive Squint and Grunts That Convey A World of Meaning
I believe I’ve already mastered the requirement for Irritably Curling Myself Around An Alcoholic Beverage While Waving Off Pleas For Help And Enlightenment. Plus there’s some actual grizzle under the hair colour.
Maybe, but we haven’t yet reached the unisex-jumpsuit, universally-bizarre-baby-names, everything-in-your-life-is-determined-by-The-Proper-Noun status of a YA dystopia. And I’m damn glad, because I’m aging out of Scrappy Teenager and there’s no sympathetic character roles between that and Grizzled 40-Something Mentor.
Bah. Who needs to be sympathetic? I’ll gladly be Effie Trinket.
(Full disclosure: I haven’t read the books, and haven’t watched the two-part final movie yet so I can only assume everything comes up roses for Effie.)
No, sorry, not so much.
3/10 Would not fund.
While the board (me) finds your goals of protecting the forests, dismantling the kyriarchy, and increasing cheese consumption in your pursuit of maximum chill both ambitious and laudable, we (I) are (am) afraid we (I) must reject your request for funding. Specific reasons are itemized below;
A of all) Insufficient amounts of whiskey and/or gin
2) Too few cats and/or floofy dogs
Thank you for your proposal and we (I) look forward to considering any future grant proposals you may submit.
I was going to decline to fund it purely because I love overcast days more than I love my children.
I have no children.
Sunny days require too much squinting. Overcast is better.
An irrigated biodome would mean never having to experience any kind of imperfect weather again, while also leaving the forests unaffected. Of course, you might have to clear space for the biodome, which would likely have a negative effect; therefore, I propose to build it in space. One of those little planetoids like in Super Mario Galaxy would be an excellent environment in which to nurture chill.
In theory I imagine microgravity would be an exceptionally chill environment, although I understand that in practice it leads to profuse sweating and farting, to say nothing of massive bone loss, which does not seem particularly chill. We’re going to need an additional grant to dramatically increase the real-world chillness level of microgravity to get it up to the standards of my imagination. I’m thinking somewhere in this region, but with less ants.
I write grants for a living and this is stressing me out. What are your evaluative tactics? Your outputs and outcomes? How do you define “success” in achieving extreme chill?
I need to see a chillness logic model before I can fully consider the potential of this proposal
As a grant writer I had these exact questions. How another both a logic model AND a theory of change.
And provide a budget including only .035 % for admin. Please submit 7 copies in tabbed 3 ring binders, one of which is marked original and 6 are marked copy. Please also include a cd copy with the original.
Maximum request is $5,000.
Maybe I should take up drinking again….
“My dream job is winning the lottery and doing nothing.” “Wouldn’t that bore you?” “It’d be great to find out!”
Well, you don’t need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin: he’s broke, don’t do shit
Dear Jaya,
Thank you for your grant application to the Chill Foundation. We received many qualified applications this year, and unfortunately are unable to award funding to your project. Instead, we will continue to fund our initial program, “Chill is for White Men and White Men Only,” which contributes to the research base by helping educated, privileged white men in urban areas buy bespoke suits and write Tinder profiles.
We thank you again for your application and wish you the best success in your future endeavors.
Best,
Colin Collingsly
Definitely read the title “The Effects of Extreme Chili on my Body” and that combined with Linda in tomato sauce had me thinking that this was going to be kinky…My brain has officially shut down.
If this fails, you could always sign up for the NASA bedrest studies, wherein people got paid about $170 a day to lay in bed for 70 days. Plus, free room and board. Though going to the bathroom in a prone position sounds less than ideal…
1) do they provide the computers/games/video games?
2) what’s the food like???
1. Other articles on the topic said you could use the computer/internet, read, play games, whatever as long as you remain laying down
2. I’d imagine it’s similar to an astronaut’s diet, but have sadly been unable to find any mention of this
astronauts also experience a deadened sense of smell so it may not be as unpleasant as we imagine.
How do you think they get all that momentum?