Things I Have Mistaken For Friendship Over The Years

by Mallory Ortberg · April 11, 2016
  • Both disliking the same thing
  • Both disliking the same person
  • Both attending and disliking the same event
  • Both drunk and in an expansive mood at the same time
  • Both unemployed at the same time
  • Both hate our jobs at the same time
  • Neither minds if either one cancels plans at the last minute
  • Both slept with the same person who neither of us likes anymore
  • Both watched Oz
  • Both contemptuous of our other friends’ intelligence
  • Both thought Parks and Recreation dropped off sharply after season 3
  • Both equally bad at responding to texts
  • Both willing to spend hours drinking iced coffee very slowly while disparaging other friends’ boyfriends
  • Both interested in talking a lot about joining a gym
  • Both send each other a lot of links
  • Both enjoy the same specific drug
  • Both like talking during movies (or refuse to talk during movies)
  • Wear the same size clothes
  • Both love leaving things early and avoiding public transit
  • Both in the same amount of debt to a mutual friend
  • Both hungry at the same time a lot
  • That’s it, everything else was real

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

146 Comments

  1. theburnersmydestination +88

    •Both slept with the same person who neither of us likes anymore

    Man, I have far too many friendships that started this way. (I’d like to think we are Real Friends now, though.) It is sort of inevitable when you go to a really small college in the middle of nowhere, where there isn’t a lot to do for entertainment.

    •Both attending and disliking the same event
    Also…. yes. We might not be Real Friends, but anything to make that 2 hour Vision For The Future Seminar a little more bearable.

    1. Alli525 +52

      YUP. I spent the first 6 months or so of my friendship with one person convinced she was going to murder me in my sleep because I was sleeping with one of her partners* (she and her now-husband are poly)… and the next 3.5 years and counting as good friends – and united in our hatred of that ex-partner.

      *I don’t know a whooooole lot about polyamory other than my friends’ unique experiences, but I’m pretty sure one of the more-or-less basic rules is that if you are in a relationship with someone, poly or not, you should make sure all parties – i.e. me – know about said relationship BEFORE you hook up with someone new. Hearing “oh by the way, _____ and I are dating” while I was putting on my clothes afterward should have been my first warning that he was a massive tool.

      1. cosetthetable +15

        I mean, it depends at least a little on circumstance. If the clearly stated expectation of both parties is that whatever is going on is a one time NSA sort of thing, there are lots of things one or both parties may not disclose, and other relationships might be one of the things that doesn’t get discussed.

        And there are some circumstances where all parties thinks it’s going to be a one time deal, and life happens and then at least one person doesn’t want it to be a one time deal anymore.

        ……………………. but if that happens, the disclosure that you’re poly isn’t a “oh by the way” thing. It’s a “I didn’t tell you this before because I didn’t think it was relevant, i think it’s now relevant, I understand if it’s not your cup of tea”. And that’s usually a clothes-on discussion.

        Because there are LOTS of situations where knowledge of other relationships is required for full consent.

        ugggggggh gross dude. even with the benefit of every available doubt, ugggggggh gross dude.

        1. isabelcooper +17

          Right, and even if it’s a one-night-stand thing, unless I live across the country and will never see that person again, I’d say “oh and I’m dating someone, they’re cool with this, but it’s DADT” lest One-Night see me with Permanent Person and shit get all kinds of awkward.

          But yes, exactly.

          1. cosetthetable +14

            RIGHT!?!?!? Depending on the circumstances, I can certainly imagine a bunch of situations where I would keep that part of the conversation VERY brief, but personally I would ALWAYS mention it before the nakedness happened.

  2. Alucius_ +172

    Both in same grad school program with similar opinion (pos or neg) on prof leading the seminar

    1. celyse +48

      YES. THIS. So many “friendships” I thought were lifelong but were actually intricately tied to this precise feeling.

      1. Alucius_ +72

        I still have a warm place in my heart for whatever-her-name-was who defended me when the prof tried to shred my presentation in a history of the Crusades course.

    2. literarysara +49

      Relatedly: both attending a summer study-abroad for grad school program, and unable to make any other friends

    3. Ellabee +14

      Or, in a slight variation of this theme, “both in same grad school program and share the opinion that the postdoc helping to teach the seminar is really hot.”

    2. vividshivers +43

      Me too! That’s basically how friendships are formed, right? Whether or not they progress beyond that one commonality is another thing, but random things in common: basically how people friendship!

  4. Sarah +126

    Yes, and then I found out she left mean Yelp reviews and was like, “We aren’t the same kind of people.”

    1. bethanykj +20

      I have an acquaintance I consider a nemesis because of her snotty Yelp reviews. She obviously doesn’t know.

  5. v_d_budenmayer +79

    Attending and disliking the same event is my favorite way to make friends, though.

  6. HotDogKnight +52

    Both like the same band

    Both like the same criminally under-rated album

    Both have a college radio show that plays similar music

    Both have the same opinions on guitar equipment

    Both willing to talk about guitar equipment for hours

    Within walking distance from one another’s college dorms.

      1. HotDogKnight +8

        It took me a little while to figure out that musical taste alone a relationship does not make.

  7. figwiggin +295

    •Both find the other person extremely strange, like two curious, undiscovered species of bird studying each other simultaneously.

      1. decembrian +29

        ALL MY SUCCESSFUL ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS.

        (For real–I like to be pleasantly surprised by my partner in large and small ways. Boredom, not contempt, is the death of romance for me. As you might suspect, this toddler-like approach to dating has resulted in my continuing, blessed singledom).

    4. angrypedestrian +9

      This is me and one of my closest friends. I don’t know if it’s real, but it’s friendship none the less.

    5. fromthelandwithlove +33

      This is how I feel about one of my best friends, who I have known since Junior High. She is a stoner comedian in business school (of all things). I a studying to be a rabbi. We both think the other one is magical. Plus we live together more or less flawlessly.

  8. dreadfulwind +166

    Reading this list is a little bit like looking into the mind of my teenage sister. “Neither of us are like all those other girls, and we both have the same leggings. We’re basically like a family.”

  9. jimmyjimjimjim +62

    Far too many ‘reasons you are lonely’ apply to me to ever mistake anything for friendship, up to and including actual friendship. Marriage seems unlikely but if it happens I am still going to be assuming that they hate me and are only marrying me for some inheritance I am unaware I have. Or possibly as some sort of proviso about getting married in order to claim an inheritance from an eccentric uncle.

    1. LeahJaclyn +9

      those feelings are just jerk brain though right? I hope you know that and are talking about it with someone, I don’t mean to belittle your feelings or anything, but you could be pre-antidepression medication and therapy me.

      1. jimmyjimjimjim +3

        I know, I’m… mostly dealing with it. My general depression and (subsequent, orthogonal?) esteem issues sort of started really simmering 6-7 years ago and came to a boil about 4 years ago (which also caused me to really look back and put a name on those patterns of behavior going back to childhood) but I’ve developed sufficient coping strategies to see me through until I feel I have the money/where-with-all/need to figure out how to navigate the US mental health system.

        1. LeahJaclyn +5

          Oh Man, looking back and realising how long you’ve been feeling this way can be really hard, I’m glad you are able to start getting the help you need, if you ever want a person to talk to, I’m the same name on twitter as I am here.

  10. dancingbees99 +144

    Are you trying to ruin all of my friendships? THOSE THINGS ARE LITERALLY ALL I HAVE IN FRIENDS.

      1. dancingbees99 +20

        I mean, I sent a link of this immediately to one of my so called “friends”. What is she really? A stranger with similar likes and dislikes who is also constantly checking her gmail at work so we can send links all the time? How else was I supposed to find out about the fake baby that is tearing One Direction apart?

        1. truffleuffagus +14

          Once my sister sent her boyfriend a link to a video of puppies doing something silly, and his response was “…do you know these dogs?” WHAT?

  12. colleentie +100

    “Both willing to spend hours drinking iced coffee very slowly while disparaging other friends’ boyfriends”

    100% the basis of all my social outings

    2. isabelcooper +24

      Hee! Yes. I was like “wait that isn’t actual friendship?”

      Other friends’ boyfriends: THE WORST.

    3. fromthelandwithlove +13

      This was 50% of me and one of my best friends’ relationship for a good 4 years. Then the other best friend married the terrible boyfriend, and he matured, and now we both love him dearly? Now we all sit around and talk about our pets, mostly.

    4. Ellabee +9

      I spent So. Much. Time. in college dissecting the ickiness of one roommate’s boyfriend with another roommate. But said boyfriend was genuinely icky! Also, it was so much fun to talk about how icky he was! (I am still friends with the co-dissecting roommate, almost 20 years later.)

  13. champagneghost +62

    Neither minds if either one cancels plans at the last minute

    me with everyone i know and i guess maybe love? in my life. sorry i prefer eating inordinate amounts of fried rice at home over fighting for a table at a bar!!!

    1. eva +2

      If you could actually fight people for a table at a bar, it would be much more entertaining to go to bars.
      My local bars discourage this.

  15. renegadeoboe +229

    Both love the same niche feminist humour website.

    …

    No, definitely not a mistake.

    1. bucklemeswash +69

      I was so relieved not to see this one on the list! YOU ARE MY TRUE FRIENDS I LOVE YOU ALL *SOB*

  16. dorianneemmerton +55

    -these 19 other people are your only social group for the next four years because you’re all in the same class in a joint college-university theatre program and you don’t have time to see anyone else.

    1. mydonkeyfeet +28

      I wasn’t even a theater major, but yep, being in theater with people is like being on a submarine! You get so close to a bunch of people you’d never normally be friends with.

        1. MothsAndStars +14

          Did you ever have the experience where someone would bring a non-theatre-major date to a party and everyone else would spend the whole night either side-eyeing the interloper or making awkward “so! Geography! What’s … that like?”-type conversation?

          Because that totally wasn’t weird for *anyone* involved, and totally did not help to reinforce all the outsiders’ negative opinions about theatre majors. No sirree.

          1. dorianneemmerton +7

            Those poor people. I experienced turnabout though: when I first started dating my partner she was beginning a Master’s in classical vocal performance – aka opera singing. While in dating, both of us having a background in performance gave us common ground, in a room full of opera grad students and profs, I had absolutely nothing to offer.

    2. awnutts +95

      List of things that happened after season 3:*

      Ben and Leslie’s engagement
      Andy’s first day of college
      Model UN Competition
      Ron’s Employee Appreciation bbq, complete with PIG TOM
      Every single episode with Kathryn Hahn
      Every single episode with Paul Rudd, for that matter
      Cones of Dunshire
      Champion!!

      *this is not an exhaustive list, just things that came to the top of my mind.

        1. awnutts +50

          OMG, how did I forget Treat Yo Self? It’s the best day of the year.

          Also, all of Entertainment 720.

      4. builtahouse +25

        MODEL UN COMPETITION.

        actually convinced one of my REAL friends to start Parks & Rec, and could only cajole her into it via arriving at the end of Season 2, and Ben & Chris’s arrival.

        she proceeded to become as hooked as I was. which was amazing.

      6. rolotomassi5 +13

        “SMALLEST PARK”
        More Perd
        More Brandi Maxx
        Mona Lisa Sapperstein
        Whatever the name of the Sapperstein’s Dad was
        The Dopplegangers, especially Ron Dunn
        Ben on painkillers
        “Leslie & Ron”

        Just like you, from the top of my head.

  18. irishbreakfasttime +80

    Both do same mildly embarrassing thing and reassure one another inordinately (“oh my god, I totally thought that door was a Pull, too, it’s not just you!” “hahaha, I KNOW, it totally looks like one! Who designs these things?”)

      1. irishbreakfasttime +5

        That is interesting! I had no idea there was a name for poorly designed doors.

  19. Scared_Vagina +76

    “Both drunk and in an expansive mood at the same time” – I have a particular ‘friend’ who is totally this. I recently realised we aren’t really friends, just excellent drinking buddies. And because we work together we often end up drinking together.

  20. catweazlol +98

    This list overlaps a LOT with “Things I have mistaken for legitimate reasons to have a crush on somebody.”

    2. ashurredly +29

      Noooo, it got good in the first episode of season 2! Gay penguins!

      (Which is not to say post-season 3 is bad, but gay penguins!)

    1. swords-and-spindles +11

      “Friendship” is a dark nebula in the constellation Orion. It’s located just to the south of the star Alnitak, which is farthest east on Orion’s Belt, and is part of the much larger Orion Molecular Cloud Complex. You can only experience “Friendship” fully with adequate equipment, which, regrettably, will only be invented 758 years in the future.

  23. ladyknight27 +45

    “Both send each other a lot of links”

    Excuse me, I need to go reevaluate all my friendships now. “Friendships”? Thanks, Mallory.

  24. bookwormV +57

    You’ve read the same fanfic.

    (Actually, this is totally friendship; I am still friends with people I bonded with over fanfic in my first year at university.)

    1. praemunire +9

      Happy to report that this can still be holding up thirty or forty years down the line. I’ve seen it with my own eyes!

    2. mosylu +20

      Corollary – they like your fanfic. A lot. And you like theirs. Clearly you are friends 5eva.

    3. maryoftheassumptions +17

      You’ve both *written* fanfic for the same fandom.

      (God, that one broke my heart. …Multiple times. WTF, fanfic!)

    4. alder_tree +3

      Dude. A week ago I went to 221b con–where all my friends are people I met because we like the same fanfic (and some of them write my fave fanfic!).

    5. tinypaperme +8

      Everyone go read Rainbow Rowell’s “Fangirl” RIGHT NOW (if you haven’t already).

      1. mosylu +4

        My library just delivered this, genie-like, to my Kindle a few days ago.

        I love living in the future.

      2. Ursula +3

        This book made me angry that I didn’t know fanfiction was a real thing. But now I’m making up for lost time.

  25. bread_and_roses +36

    Both being miserable on the same study abroad program.

    That did not go well at all.

    1. currerbell789 +10

      Oh my god, this. I bonded intensely with someone when we were both miserable during study abroad, and was convinced we’d be bffs for life. Got back after study abroad, and then spent the next semester trying to avoid her.

  26. Sam +15

    this might be the first “things I have mistaken” article that was LESS sad than I expected!

  27. yellzee +39

    Both feel angry about the same righteous cause.

    – This is how, like, 99% of my acquaintance-ships start. But then idk what we talk about when we’re not angry anymore?

  28. Frumiosa +161

    Both of our kids have decided that they’re best friends by virtue of being roughly the same size, so now we’re friends I guess, despite your reprehensible politics.

    1. Claudia +30

      This is the worst. The worst! Man. At least now they’re not toddlers, where you have to stay for a playdate and talk for an hour or so. Ugggggghhhhhhh, that was the worst.

      On second thought, I didn’t consider very many my friends. I told my husband they were my co-workers. In, like, a small office.

      So, ugghhhh-ing over the social anxiety that kind of thing provoked. Acquaintanceship pretty solidly defined by me, at least. Not friendship. Uggghhhhhh, still can’t breathe from memories.

    3. wild fruits +25

      Both of our kids have decided that they’re best friends by virtue of being roughly the same size

      Awesome.

    4. dorianneemmerton +36

      I’m scared of this. My kid is still in preschool, and he has a best friend there, but so far he hasn’t put together than he can see his preschool best friend outside of preschool, and all his non-school best friends are kids of our actual friends. (What can I say, we started off a baby boom.) But in September he starts JK at an actual school-school and I just know I’m going to have to spend some time talking to parents in more than just passing. And we got him into a really hippie alternative school too, which we think the kid-led learning approach will be really good for him, but I’m expecting there to be bat-shittery from some parents around vaccines, homoepathy, etc.

    5. treereenee +38

      as long as we never bring up politics, religion, sports, or favorite writers, we’re good. AKA how I got REALLY, REALLY good at talking about the weather.

  29. mydonkeyfeet +13

    Nah, those are siblings. But siblings can be some of the best friends, especially when they share those drugs. (Who else has such a close body chemistry to yours?)

    (I mean prescription drugs. Of course.)

  30. ashurredly +17

    Those first two I have often mistaken for friendship.

    I do send lots of links to my actual friends though. Some of them are just cute animals or articles about dinosaurs having feathers, but some of them are to Real Things and I always feel like when they read the thing and we both like it and can talk about it, that it’s an indicator of good friendship. Like, I have one friend who always sends me/I always send her the link to Madame Clairvoyant’s horoscopes and we read each others and it’s a nice ritual.

    1. DoubtfulGuest +13

      I would love it if my friends sent me articles about dinosaurs. I would definitely “mistake” a relationship based on a mutual exchange of dinosaur articles for friendship.

  32. tragicallyludicrous +78

    We could talk and not talk forever, and still find things to not talk about.

    2. lesliejroot +16

      Everyone who gets this reference is my friend and I don’t care if Mallory thinks it’s not real.

  35. thedaela +12

    Both thought Parks and Recreation dropped off sharply after season 3

    This is proof! I can be pretend-friends with you, Mallory!

  37. worseforless +26

    “Both drunk and in an expansive mood at the same time” is actually how I’ve gained most of my friends, although there is a certain culling like “Oh no, turns out this person it terrible and I was just lonely and didn’t want to go back to my one bedroom apartment,” (I’m emotionally promiscuous if not physically so.)

    Anyway, it’s wound up a 1 Terrible Person: 1 Good Friend ratio.

  38. sausagedog +17

    Both drunk and in an expansive mood at the same time

    When I get drunk, I’m basically always expansive, and have gotten in trouble when other people have mistaken this for me actually liking them. Oops.

    Both willing to spend hours drinking iced coffee very slowly while disparaging other friends’ boyfriends
    If this isn’t friendship…. I may not have any friends 🙁

  39. logicbutton +41

    Managing to sustain small talk until someone else shows up to this book club meeting, oh god, literally anyone

  40. alula_auburn +11

    But what is real? Am I real? Is ANYTHING real?

    And so seriously do not link me to that Velveteen Demon Rabbit story today. 🙁

  41. Social +24

    “Part of the same arbitrary group” isn’t on here, but should be. Are we part of the same major/ Meetup group/ internet fandom? BEST FAKE FRIENDS FOREVER.

  42. missteenwordpower +50

    Both willing to spend hours drinking iced coffee very slowly while disparaging other friends’ boyfriends.

    Wait, if this isn’t real, then I have zero friends, and possibly zero spouse.

  43. Goomaly +59

    Thanks to this series, it is beginning to dawn on me that I am actually the only person in the world. There are no friends, there are no feelings, there is no loneliness or anger. Maybe I am in Heaven?

  44. Fancy_Pants +20

    “Both hungry at the same time a lot”

    I consider this a necessary (though apparently not sufficient) condition for friendship.

  45. illyria83 +27

    Both women, within about five years in age, at least occasionally attending the same church.
    Both women, of any age, in the same workplace and sharing a common sense of humor and/or ability to eye roll at others.

    That’s it, that’s all my friendships in my entire life right there. I have no idea how to otherwise meet people. (Since I don’t attend church much anymore and work in a small office, this is mildly problematic.)

  47. wild fruits +5

    Both drunk and in an expansive mood at the same time

    Or one of you is drunk and expansive and takes an entirely random liking to the other who spends the evening nodding along bemusedly, and for some reason agrees to add you to their non-burner Facebook account. I should probably go ahead and delete that poor guy.

  48. Hillary +7

    I’m confused is it just that one thing or is it still not friendship if it’s a number of those things because if it’s the latter I definitely have no friends, family or puppy.

  49. Unreadaethel +14

    Mutual thumbs-upping of each other’s IntenseDebate comments.

    And for the Cleolinda readers: what is friendship? Is it…quality?

  51. PettyVengeanceFetish +10

    Mistaking getting grilled about current events for a queer perspective as conversation

  53. cleoreads +6

    Both older / younger than everyone else in organized group.

    Both hate guided meditation while on retreat.

    Eat lunch at the same time.

  54. elliottggish +1

    Both reluctant to join a group for a class project and thus forced to work together.

  55. RosaRachel +9

    Can we please have a “Things I Have Mistaken for Rejection” list because I could really use all the help I can get in that arena.

  57. simoneblatt +5

    Both female and in the same work group where there are only two women and twenty men

  58. castles in the air

    Both female and in the same work group where there are only two women and twenty men

  59. Onymous

    I know, I'm… mostly dealing with it. My general depression and (subsequent, orthogonal?) esteem issues sort of started really simmering 6-7 years ago and came to a boil about 4 years ago (which also caused me to really look back and put a name on those patterns of behavior going back to childhood) but I've developed sufficient coping strategies to see me through until I feel I have the money/where-with-all/need to figure out how to navigate the US mental health system.