Things I Have Mistaken For A Personality Trait Or Love Over The Years, Both In Others And In Myself, Usually To My Own Detriment -The Toast

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  • Hair falling over someone’s eyes
  • Garden-variety cruelty
  • Someone who regularly stays up too late and acts tired and withdrawn during the day as a result
  • Just straight-up bad at listening
  • Repeatedly checking phone during conversation
  • Dislikes/criticizes everything without ever once justifying a position or explaining why they do like something
  • Owns the same books as I do
  • Offers rides without my asking
  • “If we have similar tastes we must have similar values, this is an excellent prospect for a long-term relationship”
  • Finishes drinks at a similar pace
  • Sleeves rolled up to reveal forearms
  • That little bump of hair behind where your bangs go some women wore back in like 2002, but only in 2002
  • Wants me to approve of them
  • Refuses to approve of me
  • Willingness to hang out
  • Says “right on” instead of “okay” or “mm-hmm” to show they’re listening
  • Always seems like they just woke up
  • Talks a lot about subjects I know nothing about so I always think of them as smart but they might be making it all up
  • Refuses to emotionally engage in any argument so as to always preserve an air of emotionless and serene detachment
  • Leaves town a lot
  • That’s it, I don’t make any more mistakes than that
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