How To Tell If You Are In A J.R.R. Tolkien Book

by Austin Gilkeson · June 29, 2016

You went to the beach once and now you can’t stop thinking about the Sea.

A dragon has ruined your life.

You long to go on an adventure, but only so long as the adventure is not in any way uncomfortable or inconvenient.

You find the sun disappointing and the moon insipid. When you were young, the world was lit only by the stars.

The people of your house are dead and you are living a desperate existence as an outlaw. The good news is soon you will find refuge in an Elven stronghold and earn the love of a beautiful elf-maiden. The bad news is the Elven stronghold will be destroyed by Orcs, and it will be mostly your fault.

You lost a hand while escaping from the realm of the Enemy.

A wizard has roped you into a quest because one of your ancestors invented golf.

You remember the first raindrop and the first acorn, but not where you left your boots.

You strike a bargain with an impossibly malevolent spider demon. This ends poorly for you.

Woe betide anyone who tries to fuck with your ponies.

You are so adventurous you once walked twelve miles to visit your cousins in a different village, then promptly returned home because the people there were strange and foreign.

You are easily distracted by a workplace crush and are terrible at your job. Unfortunately for everyone, your job is The Moon.

You were exceedingly clever once, but unfortunately none of your friends noticed as they were too busy being attacked by an octopus.

The owner of your local tavern knows you by name and also knows not to roll his eyes when you tell him stories about the tree people.

A foreign king takes you into his service, but does not take you seriously. You feel you must prove your worth by stabbing something terrifying.

You have been hired by a group of adventurers to work as a thief, even though your only professional experience is gentle meandering.

You have angered a tree. This ends poorly for you.

You have always wanted to meet elves, and when you finally do, they are intolerably silly.

A Dark Lord fancies your jewelry.

A mountain is out to get you.

You had to learn the hard way not to follow the lights in the marsh.

Your exhaustive knowledge of whimsical riddles has saved your life on multiple occasions.

The leading cause of death in your country is dragons. The second leading cause of death is ennui.

Your best friend is your gardener.

Your best friend was your cousin, until you murdered him over an old ring he found in the river. Now the old ring is your best friend. You hate it.

God’s grace descended upon you once, in the form of an gigantic, murderous war eagle.

You’ve come into possession of a magical object of world-imperiling demonic power, which you use primarily to avoid awkward small talk with your neighbors.

Orcs are chasing you, but this does not bother you nearly as much as the inadequate breakfast you had earlier today.

Your father is only capable of showing his love for you through fiery murder-suicide attempts.

You have earned the personal ire of a Witch-king. This ends poorly for you, and everyone in your country.

You once fulfilled an ancient prophecy and overturned gender expectations at the same time.

After careful consideration, you have decided not to become a Dark Lord.

You are a member of a wonderful fellowship of diverse people united by love and loyalty, but soon it must come to an end. And when the world you know begins to fade away, at long last you will go to the shore and board a ship, and take to the Sea.

InATolkienNovel_End

Austin Gilkeson writes middle-grade witch fiction and lives with his wife and son in Chicago.

J. Longo is a freelance Illustrator & Storyboard Artist in Brooklyn, NY. His work can be seen at JLongoArt.com as well as on Instagram.

165 Comments

  1. LaxMom +178

    Noooooooooo
    I think I’ve hit “crying at my desk at work because toast is over” stage.

    1. katerkins +14

      Same. I thought I was doing ok by avoiding anything ending-adjacent and living in denial. Now I am crying real tears

  2. StoatCat +106

    “God’s grace descended upon you once, in the form of an gigantic, murderous war eagle.”

    This’ll be on the back of half the vehicles in Alabama by next week.

    1. owlbrick +16

      “Then, during the Third Reconciliation of the Last of the Meketrex Supplicants, they chose a new form for him, that of a giant Sloar! Many Shubs and Zulls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of a Sloar that day, I can tell you!”

  3. zachariahary +240

    Oh god damn.

    Are all the remaining humor pieces on The Toast going to feature abrupt sucker punches right in the feels at the end?

    Cuz this was very funny and I’ve enjoyed all your work on The Toast and now I am fighting back nerdtears at work again and it’s ALL YOUR FAULT.

    2. annacardea +55

      Nerdtears!

      Seriously. “Lauging, laughing, wait I don’t know that one must be Silmarillion, laughing, OH COME ON!”

    3. GingerHawk +24

      Honestly I was very ill-prepared for that and am now choking back more tears at my workdesk.

  4. StoatCat +137

    Oh man. That got SO REAL at the end, you guys.

    SHUT UP I’M NOT CRYING YOU’RE CRYING.

    1. puzzleg +20

      Yes, yes I am. I am crying. Goddammit. Thank god I’m home where I can indulge in a real sobfest.

      1. theburnersmydestination +18

        I am so incredibly grateful that I don’t have work on the 1st, because I really, really am not going to handle it well, and at least now I can do it in the privacy of my apartment, with only my cat to judge.

  5. Tim +172

    Oh god is the Toast the fellowship? Is Aman the end of the toast? Am I an elf?

    I wish my skills at gentle meandering were of more use in this economy, too, to be honest.

  6. StoatCat +179

    “You’ve come into possession of a magical object of world-imperiling demonic power, which you use primarily to avoid awkward small talk with your neighbors.”

    I mean, yeah. Who wouldn’t?

    1. talesofstories +30

      If the world is imperiled enough, you also don’t have to make awkward small talk with your neighbors. Either way, it’s a win.

    5. bethcorriveau +16

      I have the nicest neighbors ever and I would still use the Ring to avoid small talk.

    6. Annie +8

      Small, powerful, useful for avoiding people you don’t like?

      I think they’re called ‘cellphones’.

      1. Notreallydorine +13

        Oh, gosh, I thought the end of the piece was hard enough, and then you went and made it worse/better!

        1. Unreadaethel +14

          *cries forever*

          I mean, I’m already depressed from our church organist having his last day this past Sunday (everybody stayed for the postlude and he got a standing ovation and I sobbed like a baby), and now the Toast is spending the week ripping my heart out?

  8. theburnersmydestination +108

    You walked through the woods once, and now feel the need to go on for 15 pages about how old it is. 5 pages later you walk through a different forest, and go on for two chapters about how it is different from the first one. No one tells you to shut up already.

  9. houblonchouffe +191

    SHIT SHIT SHIT

    You are a member of a wonderful fellowship of diverse people united by love and loyalty, but soon it must come to an end. And when the world you know begins to fade away, at long last you will go to the shore and board a ship, and take to the Sea.

    YOU JERK

  10. ppyajunebug +163

    You once fulfilled an ancient prophecy and overturned gender expectations

    ALSO FUCK YOU AUSTIN HDU ADD IN THAT LAST BIT YOU BEAUTIFUL ASSHOLE

  11. StoatCat +45

    You can confirm the likely veracity of political rumors by referring to prophecies described in popular poems.

    1. Unreadaethel +18

      “My lord, the city is in grave peril! Our enemies are upon us!”

      “I’m sorry, has this been described in rhymed couplets? No? Go away, and stop talking nonsense.”

  12. damanoid +304

    I suppose I must be in a Tolkien book, then. Because I’m glad that you’re all here with me, here at the end of all things.

      1. apple_pi +14

        STOP MAKING ME LAUGH WHILE I’M CRYING, I FEEL FUNNY. ALSO I JUST SPIT A LITTLE.

    5. Swordsandspindles +22

      Is this what the next days are going to feel like? Can I stay home and hide under the bed instead of going to work?

    7. tekkah +36

      Oh fuck it I got through Austin’s attempt at busting me up and here you are in the comments sneaking in one real good twist of the knife.

    11. Unreadaethel +7

      Beat me to it. In fairness, I’ve been at work all day, and am late to this, the end of all things.

  13. StoatCat +108

    Your mother is either dead or too sick of Middle Earth’s bullshit to appear in your story.

    1. Annie +14

      It is astonishing how many of Tolkien’s characters seem to just appear out of the ground or something. It’s not like he didn’t know how to write female character, he just…mostly didn’t.

    1. Household_Opera +56

      Raise a glass to the four of us / By tomorrow there’ll be more of us…

  18. littlehuntingcreek +80

    At first I thought this was me:

    “You long to go on an adventure, but only so long as the adventure is not in any way uncomfortable or inconvenient.”

    But I realize that this is me instead:
    “You are a member of a wonderful fellowship of diverse people united by love and loyalty, but soon it must come to an end. And when the world you know begins to fade away, at long last you will go to the shore and board a ship, and take to the Sea.”

  19. srijanisays +66

    “You long to go on an adventure, but only so long as the adventure is not in any way uncomfortable or inconvenient.”
    Sums up all those vacations where I spend my days curled on the couch with a book or a show and endless snacks, just in a different city and in a hotel.

  21. blushingflower +35

    “You long to go on an adventure, but only so long as the adventure is not in any way uncomfortable or inconvenient.”
    If only I were not too tall to reasonably pass as a Hobbit.

    “Orcs are chasing you, but this does not bother you nearly as much as the inadequate breakfast you had earlier today.”

    It is really hard to put in a productive day of Orc-fleeing when you haven’t had a good breakfast, okay?

    “You are a member of a wonderful fellowship of diverse people united by love and loyalty, but soon it must come to an end. And when the world you know begins to fade away, at long last you will go to the shore and board a ship, and take to the Sea.”

    <3

  22. renegadeoboe +142

    The number of scenarios crucial to Tolkien’s plots that could have been cleared up by reading an employment advice column are…alarming.

    Dear Businesslady,
    I am always distracted by a workplace crush and terrible at my job. This wouldn’t be such a big deal except that my job is The Moon. Please advise.

    Dear Businesslady,
    My boss, a foreign king, does not take me seriously, and increasingly I find myself compelled to seek out and stab something terrifying in order to prove my worth. How do I go about ensuring his recognition for my daring feats, and if I fail will it reflect poorly on my future employment?

    Dear Businesslady,
    I have been hired by a group of adventurers to work as a thief, even though my only professional experience is gentle meandering. So far I have not been asked to burgle anything, but I have distinguished myself by getting my employers out of several scrapes – a task not listed in my job description. Should I come clean, or is there a way I can fake it ’til I make it?

  23. teabeey +20

    I was like “yes! this is me.”
    And that last one… of course I’m at work, I’m not supposed to be experiencing these feelings in an open office environment!

  24. nicolescchung +113

    I for one was okay until I saw Jason’s ship illustration, and now I also want that on a tote.

    3. bighairnoheart +19

      Please somehow let that be a tote since I keep missing out on the other ship one. Every time. Every. Damn. Time.

  26. fenixdawn +46

    Hi, I’m dealing with my grief by posting LOTR pics, so here’s another one

  27. hussified +39

    “Orcs are chasing you, but this does not bother you nearly as much as the inadequate breakfast you had earlier today.”

    IT ME

    2. cleoreads +19

      An inadequate first breakfast is bad enough but NO second breakfast is completely intolerable.

  29. goonerkate +18

    YOU GUYS. (laugh crying at work, THANKS A LOT no really thank you for this, this is the one I was waiting for)

  30. cosetthetable +47

    “After careful consideration, you have decided not to become a Dark Lord.”

    “You once fulfilled an ancient prophecy and overturned gender expectations at the same time.”

    For me, these two are related.

    1. Anthrodiva +6

      Yes it describes my entire career arc, really, as I come from a Family of Dark Lords

  31. zacharysfletcher +52

    Lay down
    your sweet and weary head.
    Night is falling,
    you have come to journey’s end…

  32. naglayaxuliganka +21

    I was all about this piece until the last one. Did NOT see that coming. How did I not see that coming? Lolsob and hiccuping at my desk.

  33. robot_dinosaur +47

    You are a member of a wonderful fellowship of diverse [as long as you ignore gender] people.

      1. robot_dinosaur +42

        this is totally just about how LOTR is 99.999% dudes and literally 0% about the toast

    2. bookwormV +19

      I initially assumed this was just a dig at the Toast being full of women. It took me about an hour to remember the Fellowship of the Ring’s gender makeup.

    3. nopemobile +52

      The whole list could literally just be “Everyone traveling with you is a man. You get lost in a forest and the trees are men. You must have met a woman at least once in your life, but honestly you don’t spend much time thinking about it” and it would still be a 100% accurate way to tell if you were in LOTR.

      …Unless you ARE a woman, in which case you are badass with the power of 10,000 fiery suns but still know no other women.

    4. sarachim +45

      Dwarves are all nonbinary. They got tired of explaining this to Elves and Men in the First Age, so they rarely bother any more. The secret language of the Dwarves is mostly somebody saying “but where are the Dwarf women?” and everyone bursting into laughter.

  34. bookwormV +51

    I am thrilled beyond belief to see one more Tolkien post before the end.

    You have always wanted to meet elves, and when you finally do, they are intolerably silly.
    The difference in behaviour between elves in The Hobbit and elves in The Lord of the Rings is striking and bizarre. Did things in Middle-Earth get that much worse in the 60 or so years in between?

    1. Bees +41

      Maybe it was like the transition from “lol that guy from The Apprentice says he’s going to run for president” to “Republican Presidential Nominee Donald Trump”.

    2. damanoid +52

      In fact this is easily accounted for. Bilbo heard the Elves singing their silly songs as he and the Dwarves arrived at Rivendell, after an arduous journey through the Wilderland. Keep in mind that Hobbits are passionate smokers, and Bilbo’s personal store of pipeweed must have run out long ago.

      All of which is to say that Bilbo, who would have had no familiarity with the herb-lore around Rivendell, was very likely scavenging any likely-looking weed along the path and smoking it in heedless desperation. He smoked dragontail fern; he smoked wraithweed; he smoked orcwort; he smoked spiderbite moss; he smoked Wargsbane; he smoked Yavanna’s Tears; He smoked Mithril Haze; he smoked Eriador Gold. Bilbo was therefore plainly stoned to the gills when he staggered into Rivendell, eyes as glazed as a palantir, seeing Elves up in the trees singing “Tra-la-la-lally!” and taunting him about his gut.

      We know that his account of the journey is unreliable in certain respects, and written with an eye toward the entertainment of Hobbit-children. All things considered, it’s not surprising that he saw no need to mention the several days he spent in Rivendell sweating through withdrawl.

      He probably should have steered clear of those luminous barrowshade mushrooms, too; but, you know, Hobbits.

    3. maryoftheassumptions +23

      *ahem* For one, yes, because by LOTR it’s obvious that Sauron has woken up, and that’s srs bsns. For B, most of the elves in Rivendell are of the low type who have never been across the Sea before and never even bothered to try; Elrond, their more serious leader, and Celeborn, Galadriel’s fella, are Grey Elves, meaning they belong to the tribe that started to go to the Sea but didn’t get around to it in time. Glorfindel and Galadriel have actually been across the Sea where the godlings live, and that’s why they have all the big spooky mojo. Tolkien liked him a tidy caste system or two.

  36. elsajeni +65

    You are a member of a wonderful fellowship of diverse people united by love and loyalty, but soon it must come to an end. And when the world you know begins to fade away, at long last you will go to the shore and board a ship, and take to the Sea.

    … but the good news is that, when we arrive in the Undying Lands (known these days mostly as Twitter, Slack, Reddit, etc.) we will look around and discover that we’re living my childhood fanfic where Merry and Pippin and all our friends have somehow managed to follow us into the West, right? RIGHT?

    1. apple_pi +13

      I would like my Merry and Pippin right now, please. (And only a LITTLE bit because I want to place them in compromising positions and situations.)

        1. apple_pi +8

          I WROTE a lot of that fanfic in the early/mid 00’s. 🙂 (And may have just reread the LOTR and then re-binged the movies and have three new fics on my desktop MAYBE JUST A LITTLE.)

          1. alder_tree +3

            Were you on a yahoogroup specifically for Merry and Pippin fic or hobbit fic or were you on the LJ comm hobbitslash? Because if so, it’s entirely possible I read your fic.

          2. apple_pi +4

            Yep! I started writing fic and then FOUND SOME ON THE INTERNETS (specifically Baylor’s fic, to start with) and I was so – like – omg. OTHER PEOPLE ARE AS WEIRD AND AWESOME AS ME. So there was a yahoogroup, then livejournal. I wrote as maripo5a on LJ, but then created a new username (apple_pi) for LOTRPS, which then expanded to include SGA, a little HP, a little House, a little Good Omens, etc. Some of the stuff is now on AOOO under apple_pi. I keep meaning to upload the rest of it. Just so it’s safe? (Have now had wine. Typing too much. Sorry. [Not really.])

          3. alder_tree +3

            Oh man, I recently went back and re-read some of Baylor’s fic! I loved her!

            I READ YOUR FIC. I remember your LJ name. Whoa. o_O Were we LJ friends? I’m aprilstarchild over there.

            I’m fangirl_on_a_bicycle on AO3, but I’m still not a fic writer really, and I went from LOTR to Harry Potter and then Sherlock and now I mostly read Steven Universe.

          4. apple_pi +4

            We probably were, lol, my accounts are still there. I haven’t done much there in years, but I recently revisited (re: my nostalgia LOTR kick) and today found my SGA icons (in which I posted Jack Handy quotes onto SGA pics) and laughed immoderately at my own jokes for ten minutes. It’s possible I’m a terrible human being, jury is still out. 🙂

  37. tekkah +46

    Austin, you tried valiantly, even got me all misty, but it was truly the Toast Commentariat who tipped me over into actual crying. Which is probably what is right and fair, here at the end.

    (Tag yourself, I’m You were exceedingly clever once, but unfortunately none of your friends noticed as they were too busy being attacked by an octopus.)

    1. exitpursuedbyaclaire +21

      I’m “You went to the beach once and now you can’t stop thinking about the Sea,” with a side helping of “Your exhaustive knowledge of whimsical riddles has saved your life on multiple occasions.”

      1. swords-and-spindles +17

        I’m clearly “You are so adventurous you once walked twelve miles to visit your cousins in a different village, then promptly returned home because the people there were strange and foreign.” I DO these things.

    2. cleoreads +13

      I’m a combination of

      “You long to go on an adventure, but only so long as the adventure is not in any way uncomfortable or inconvenient.”

      And

      “Orcs are chasing you, but this does not bother you nearly as much as the inadequate breakfast you had earlier today.”

    3. Unreadaethel +13

      About half “you long to go on an adventure, but only so long as the adventure is not in any way uncomfortable or inconvenient” and half “you remember the first raindrop and the first acorn, but not where you left your boots.”

    4. sorocske +5

      I’m “The owner of your local tavern knows you by name and also knows not to roll his eyes when you tell him stories about the tree people.”

    5. Annie +5

      I’m a combo of

      You remember the first raindrop and the first acorn, but not where you left your boots.

      and

      Woe betide anyone who tries to fuck with your ponies.

      I may not be able to find my keys on a daily basis, but I remember whats important and can hand out bad days like candy if the occasion calls for it.

  38. blueblazes11 +18

    I don’t know what this says about me, but this is the first goodbye post that made me cry real tears.

  39. unleavings +21

    JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I AM NOT CRYING TODAY I AM NOT!

    Also, if I did happen to come into possession of a magical object of world-imperiling demonic power, I would ABSOLUTELY use it to avoid small talk.

    1. Annie +5

      Do you have a cellphone? As the number of vulnerable, not-updated and bot-net-capable phones on the market grows ‘powerful object with world-imperiling powers used to avoid small talk’ is more and more apt.

  41. bighairnoheart +34

    Why this? Why now? Why do I have to be out so I can’t excuse myself to sob like a hobbit. Not all tears are an evil, but that doesn’t mean I can bawl while at Taco Bell with my grandma.

  43. Shelly_Belly +32

    I was loving this until the SUCKER PUNCH TO THE GUT at the end.

    What will I do without my daily tea and toast?

  44. lavaloving +16

    The Toast was the Fellowship. Mallory and Nicole and all the writers were the members, and we lost some and gained some, but now they must separate and go on their disparate quests and some will meet again one day and take to the sea.

    The Fellowship is at an End. Godspeed to all.

  45. JGlows +55

    Home is behind the world ahead
    And there are many paths to tread
    Through shadows to the edge of night
    Until the stars are all alight.
    Then world behind and home ahead
    We’ll wander back and home to bed
    Mist and twilight, cloud and shade
    Away shall fade! Away shall fade!

    2. Anthrodiva +3

      I hope you are pleased with yourself, I was holding it together until your comment. SOB

  49. SingArielSing +10

    Welp, fuck you very much with that last one, now I’m crying at my desk. I love you all.

  52. LearnedALot +13

    I was not expecting that ending and I would be full of righteous wrath if I were not repressing sobs at my work desk T_T

  53. MopRocks +17

    Came here to laugh about fucking with ponies, but then that last line dropped a gigantic pile of hoard-gold on my chest. Ooof.

  54. exitpursuedbyaclaire +12

    This was brilliant, and I went along all trusting, and then you just had to yank my heart out.

  55. Unreadaethel +48

    Go in peace, my friends. I will not say do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.

  56. apple_pi +11

    I was chuckling along until the last one and then I exclaimed “NO” loudly and began crying at my computer. NO NO NO.

    <small>Thank you, The Toast. I love you. The fact that you waited until today to post a Tolkien one of these makes me unutterably happy and sad.</small>

  57. ashurredly +13

    I thought. I thought maybe I would read this post without being sad about The End. But now I just have to go listen to “Into the West” on repeat for a while.

    Also this line is my favorite:
    A wizard has roped you into a quest because one of your ancestors invented golf.

  59. StarFootSneech +6

    I had one of those days at work in which you don’t get to check the internet much because everything is happening. Then I got home and decided to catch up on some Toast reading. So much crying.

  60. xTinsel +16

    “You’ve come into possession of a magical object of world-imperiling demonic power, which you use primarily to avoid awkward small talk with your neighbors.”

    I feel like this is English people in a nutshell.

  61. msmollyd +6

    “You are a member of a wonderful fellowship of diverse people united by love and loyalty, but soon it must come to an end. And when the world you know begins to fade away, at long last you will go to the shore and board a ship, and take to the Sea.”

    I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.

  62. PettyVengeanceFetish +6

    I don’t need to get sledgehammered in the heart like this today, no matter how good the writing is damn it!

  63. dancingcorvid +7

    I have nothing useful to add. You have said it all, and I am weeping desperately into my Bourbon.

  64. Ana +5

    /becomes the nth person to scream NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO at her laptop while at work, before proceeding to autodefenestrate in an explosion of tears

  65. thezlot +17

    AAAH AUSTIN SO GOOD. Where am I going to get my esoteric Silmarillion jokes once the Toast is gone? Everyone stop getting on boats! Oh god!!!!

  66. Jane FH +7

    Ah. Sigh. Beautiful.

    ‘To the Sea! To the Sea! The white gulls are crying.’

    And, let me tell you, they aren’t the only ones. Go well you lovely people.

  67. sorocske +3

    For heaven’s sake, people, I’m at work AND wearing mascara, stop making me tear up!

  69. k4renbr00ks +2

    *sniffle*
    It is just too perfect that this last humorous Tolkien tribute contains a sucker-punch to the heart.

  70. raqueue +4

    *reads this again and tears up at the last one* Goddammit, Austin, some other publication better start paying you for your Tolkien work because the WORLD NEEDS IT.