“Most girls aren’t into this kind of stuff.” No way, do you have the list? The list of things most girls are into? I’ve been trying to find that thing forever, can you forward it to me? You have my email. Thanks, man, you’re the best.
“You got it! Clever girl!” Accolades I would prefer to ‘clever girl’ include: ‘inexorable agent of destruction’; ‘unknowable one’; ‘king’s champion.’ Also acceptable: ‘Gov’nor’ pronounced in a Cockney accent.
“You don’t mind if we call you a ‘chick,’ do you?” I say nothing, because you’re onto me. You’ve guessed it. I am actually a socialist collective of 112 baby chickens dressed in a trenchcoat. Curse your perspicacity.
“How did you learn to do all this?!” The ancient Spider-Goddess Llorothaag came to me in a harrowing blood-soaked vision. In exchange for perpetual servitude as her handmaiden, she imparted knowledge of IP subnetting.
“It’s not ‘P.C.’ to say this, but…” Thank you for this helpful preface alerting me to the fact that I can spend the next thirty seconds fantasizing about Star Trek without missing anything important.
“It’s got to be a girlfriend-proof system.” I picture an unruly mob of murderous girlfriends descending upon your Brooklyn apartment, seeking to sate their dark desire for living flesh. They scream and gibber as they prepare to devour all that lies within. You block the door with your home theater system. Thank god: it is girlfriend-proof.
“Wow, you’re pretty strong!” Thanks. I worked out once, in 2006. There was also the time I did almost an entire push-up.
“No, when I complain about ‘geek girls,’ I don’t mean you. You’re a real geek.” All attend! The Arbiter is speaking. In his wisdom, he can tell who is a real geek and who is fake, and especially who is a bitch.
“He told me it sounds like we’ve got a new hot chick working here. I was like ‘yeah, man.’” The socialist collective of 112 baby chickens beneath the illusory shell of humanity sigh in relief at your levity. Our disguise has held for another day.
“But—you’re way too nice to be a lesbian!” If the other lesbians that you’ve met have seemed like they were being assholes to you, I might have a theory as to why.
“You know about making coffee, right?” You have doubtless intuited this from the fact that I am the only person in the entire department who does not drink coffee. This is in no way related to the fact that all the other human beings in the room are men.
“It doesn’t have all the features; this is the soccer mom version.” Contact with the Soccer Mom (mater ludus) obviously requires special equipment and anti-contaminant protocol. They are highly infectious. Do not attempt to approach a Soccer Mom unless you are a trained professional.
“Haha, that guy thought you were the receptionist!” Did he? My, what a hilarious turn of events.
“Women are going overboard with this representation in video games thing, now. Like, calm down.” You are obviously a sensitive, liberal, fair-minded guy who would never say a sexist thing in your life. You know this because the last three girls you went on OKCupid dates with nodded in a vaguely affirmative way when you said as much.
“Let me know when you want to do that so I can help you. No offense, but you just don’t know enough about it to try it on your own.” What could possibly be offensive about your assertion that I am incapable of implementing some of the basic skills of our profession without your supervision?
“I had this female boss once, and I know I’m not supposed to say this, but I could totally tell when it was her time of the month.” I’m so sorry. The monthly offerings that Llorothaag requires of us under the turgid full moon are too horrific for the minds of mortals to comprehend. The screaming. The stench. The gelatinous globs of entrails dotting the red-soaked soil. You were never meant to know about the Time of the Month. Even I can hardly bear to recall it.
“See, that’s the great thing about you, I know I can tell ‘offensive’ jokes around you and you won’t care.” It’s less that I don’t care, and more that I’m keeping up a stoic facade to conceal my elaborate plan for revenge. This plan begins with making fun of you on the Internet.
“You and my wife could mud-wrestle naked.” Could we? Could we?? Could…we…? COULD. WE.
“You’re a girl, but you’re not, like, a girl-girl, y’know?” When Llorothaag returns, you will be the first sacrifice I lay upon her profane altar.
Tags: cate burlington, men who are not great, sexism, spider goddesses are always hungry, tech, work
Related Posts
“I had this female boss once, and I know I’m not supposed to say this, but I could totally tell when it was her time of the month.”
I had a male coworker tell me that he actually tracked the cycles of a couple of women in our office on his calender by writing down when they seemed “really emotional”. He seemed to think this was cheeky and funny.
“had” as in “and then I promptly sacrificed him?”…maybe?
Wasn’t this literally a joke on Parks and Rec?
It was definitely on Community. Abed was trying to figure out why he was angering the women of the group and he didn’t realize what he was tracking until a little while in, apparently. (I’m usually not a fan of that sort of humor, but how they did it was more a joke on his character than “lawl ladies and times of the month!”)
I loved that episode precisely because it acknowledged that people have periods, but the joke was all at Abed not intentionally realizing what he was doing to start and knowing that the women in-universe would be upset if they realized once he had realized what his data was indicating, but also not able to stop because he needed the data to know how to cope with social interactions, and it was helping (he even knew Annie’s comfort food), instead of upsetting his friends-which happened anyway. Literally the only time I didn’t find that creepy or patronizing on TV, because it wasn’t about the period-havers being unreasonable but Abed trying to cope with social cues and being a good friend. I empathize with Abed.
You should tell him that you are keeping track of when the dudes in the office have boners based on when they act “really weird” and cross their legs.
YOU ARE PERFECT
I love you. In a completely non-threatening way, of course.
What gets me is when they say that sort of thing about women who don’t get periods because of the birth control they’re using.
Which is me! And I kind of gleefully inform them that, since they are so well-informed about female biology and can tell what’s going on in my body better than I do and my doctors do, could they please inform my uterus to start ovulating because it doesn’t do that and I always thought that was a requirement for a period, would they please explain how my biology makes their assumptions possible because my lady brain doesn’t get it.
I do something similar to guys who are critical of the way I can/can’t orgasm.
I think this was his cue for all the office ladies to have loud conversations about how heavily they were flowing and how bad their cramps were in this dude’s hearing. Also, to use his wastebasket to dispose of tampons.
Sometimes it makes sense to do that. Not because it’s funny, but just because some people get really irrational around their periods. When I was in the military, I had a higher-ranking co-worker who got mad at the slightest things at random. I realized that it would happen for a week every month, so I kept a schedule so I knew when to tread on eggshells and not say anything. It helped.
Maybe you could tell me – what is it called when men do that? Because I’ve had bosses who will just yell like crazy over the dumbest things, &, to this day, could never track a pattern…
Because there’s no other reason for irrationality, ever. You ARE the problem, sir.
Always. You should always not say anything. It will help.
Nice when they make it so easy for the prosecution…
I would have told his manager that he seemed to have a lot of spare time and to assign him more projects.
When read things like this I feel rage. Partly, because in my case it’s probably true. Not that I’m more emotional exactly. But my mood changes drastically. And I’m sure I’d some took the time, they’d see a distinct pattern. I also feel rage because it’s so completely dismissive thing to say about a woman.
This fits right in with my current temper! Thank you!
“You got it! Clever girl!”
nobody should ever say that to anyone who isn’t /an actual velociraptor/
That velociraptor wasn’t actually a killing machine, she was just sick of everyone’s patronizing bullshit. Jurassic Park is one of the great misandrist movies of our time, following a group of female dinosaurs as they seek to break out of the cages they were forced into by the scientific establishment and rich old white men, where they were forced into a lifetime of acting as ornaments and entertainment with their reproductive choices taken away.
This is my favourite thing.
“God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs.”
“Dinosaurs eat man. Woman inherits the earth.”
Love it!
You are a God among insects.
I’m so jealous I didn’t write this comment.
Right the fuck on!
Also, I really wish someone would do a fanedit of this version of the movie with some embellishments and subtitles for the velociraptors:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/danieldalton/goatshank-re…
*preach*
And now I need to someone to start that twitter account. @AnActualVelociraptor, Clever Girl at Salt Flats, Utah
Or a cat. I say it to my cats after one of the devious bastards opens a locked door or unties a knot.
Also: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlPoPMbiffU
OH THANK FSM I am not the only one who consistently makes that mental leap.
I assume if you say that to me you are *asking* to be torn limb from limb.
Oh my god. I was on a kickball team and a male, after a woman on the team caught a fly ball, said “Good girl!” I thought she was going to turn him inside-out. Nobody on the team would have blamed him. Fortunately, I think he got the idea based on the reaction he got.
SHHHH. Don’t break the facade.
::fixes human face mask::
I am the worst because my boyfriend says this to me a lot, and I like it. But in my defense, we both know he’s jokingly quoting Jurassic Park, because we both rate Jurassic Park in our list of favorite movies. Also, we both know I’m exceedingly clever.
Also, he’s my boyfriend, not my coworker.
I was once treated to impressed surprise by a (patronising, awful) plumber for knowing where my stopcock was. (I mean, I had just moved in, but it was MY HOME. Do not congratulate me for that.)
A coworker gathering after work: 7 women, 2 men. One of the men makes a “good girl!” remark. The other man immediately steps away from the fool, saying, “I don’t know you. Keep away from me.”
“The other man immediately steps away…”
Good boy.
Clever boy, even.
You should see him make coffee.
My mom, sister, and I call each other “clever girl!” all the time but they are my MOM and my SiSTeR NOT MY COWORKER.
My supervisor gets away with this for three reasons: our office is all female, she never does it in front of clients, and she’s pretty much my shirttail aunt, having known me since early childhood. Anyone else would be hunting for their teeth.
You may enjoy this: http://ilovealcopop.awesomedistro.com/products/54…
I say this to/about cats because it is my fiercest desire for all cats to become the velociraptors that dwell within their truest little hearts
Now I’m just singing the Doubleclicks song to myself.
RAWR! Velociraptor!
As I recall, saying it to the actual velociraptor did not go at all well for the character who did.
I hope you actually said the response about the lesbian theory. On point.
Not that the retorts about Llorothaag are less on point, but shhhh…. we can’t let them know.
Thank you. Sadly these are all either esprit d’escalier or things I couldn’t say because my boss was the one talking. The only possible outlet was internet rage.
Holy crap, that’s so not okay on like 85 different levels. That is a matryoshka doll of inappropriate and sexist behavior.
And yet. AND YET. Every workplace I have ever had, except insert terms appropriate for “restaurant kitchen” for any terms related to “tech.”
I work with all women and it’s the best. I recommend it to everyone.
Seconded!
My team is entirely female with a male manager. We keep him out of the loop entirely because literally every time he decides to get involved in anything he creates an enormous fuck up that he hands off to us to fix. He occasionally pops round to tell us to do something and we just nod and continue as we were before. It’s a delicate balance where he pretends he has authority and we pretend to listen to him.
If I’m counting right less than 10% of my mid-size office are straight men and it’s the best.
We’ve got about 17% straight men at my office, which is of course higher than the ideal, but not too bad. And if you include “white” in the descriptor, the percentage jumps down to half that!
Where do you work? Actually who cares where do I send my resume?
Same!
I did once end up wondering if all our cycles were synced, when one of my coworkers made a comment about cramps and I was like “hmm, me too.”
This has actually happened in my office.
I like it. If there are other guys I generally don’t have anything to say to them. Not that libraries are full of bros, I’m just socially awkward with men!
Me too! Sometimes my boss muses that “we need to have more male preschool teachers around here.”
…I mean, I’ve worked with terrific male preschool teachers and everything, but no we don’t, you know? I like walking into meetings full of women’s voices. I like the message we send our students, that women are diverse and powerful. It’s a matriarchy around here, and that’s fine by me.
I used to work in a majority female team and I HATED IT. But then again, that’s because many of my colleagues had bought into patriarchal standards and didn’t like that I hadn’t.
I basically do too (I am a librarian). We are hiring a new library head and my boss was telling me about some of the candidates and I was like, “Wait, what, HE? [looks around furtively and drops my voice to a whisper] You might leave me here working for a man?”
At my women’s college, we have one permanent choral conductor and one in a 3-year post. For quite a number of years, both of them have been men. A few years ago, I was involved with the student-conducted interviews of the candidates for the 3-year post. Two of our three candidates were women and we were all of the opinion that it was about time that we had another woman conductor. I was waiting with a few other students for the male candidate to show up and one of the seniors joked that we should start by asking: “So… you’re a man… How is that working out for you?”
With the departure of my asshole boss, the maleness of the office has only dropped by 10%, but the manly douchebaggery has dropped by about 90%. It’s amazing.
Working in social services, most of my jobs were majority-female workplaces, which was cool. But the one job that was 100% women was the absolute most miserable. Because it was freaking high school, with cliques and best friends and secrets and alliances….OMG. I think it’s possibly because the director was an ex-cheerleader who got fired from her previous job for sleeping with a client.
In other words, I wish an all-female environment was free of bullshit, but yeah, not so much.
I’ve found that the environment in my 96% women work environment is unfortunately similar. There are a lot of cliques and alliances and I have often found that for the first time in my life, I am the *least* dramatic person in the room. That speaks more to this particular group of women than it does to women overall.
I think this is an underrated point (and wish it weren’t).
People don’t like to talk about Queen Bee Syndrome (which – really? We haven’t grown out of this?) and overly-male-identified women who like to discount other women’s talents simply because they’re women (and oh – they’re “not like those other women” — Cool Girl goes Cool C-Level Officer *sigh*) but … yeah, this happens.
And more than people think (or, again, want to acknowledge).
And I wish there were a “solution” I could offer, because Be The Change can sometimes get you sabotaged and hamstrung (if they were giving out grades in Relational Aggression in grade school, I would’ve done horribly) but … anybody want to brainstorm together?
It’s just a part-time job, but I work at a library with 99% women. Of the two men that work there, I hardly see either of them, and the one I see more often is one of the kindest, most thoughtful old men alive. It’s a pretty great set up.
I suspect any Toast readers who launch a start up called Misandrony Software will get a tidal wave of job application.
MISANDROID
Are you hiring???
All men are garbage but especially this kind
Misandry mondaaaaaaze YES
(except it’s now wednesday, whatever)
you know what “misandry” is. I love you.
Not *all*– no, wait, sorry, just checked, you’re right, my b.
“You’re a woman, you know about colors, come settle this question.” [I AM A MOLECULAR BIOLOGIST WHO WEARS BLACK EVERY DAY]
“You’re going to be a really obnoxious mother, you know that?”
Ooh, I get variations on the second one all the time. I usually respond with silence–it’s inappropriate and also kind of an awful thing to say if you’re assuming the target wants kids–but when I’ve finally given in and snapped that I don’t want kids, it just turned into, “You’re young; you’ll change your mind” for a while. (Funnily enough, people in my personal life respond to my lack of desire for kids with, “But you’d be such a good mother!” You just can’t win.)
Why would someone comment on what kind of mother you’ll be, absent a conversation in which you have indicated a current pregnancy and/or plans for children in the future?!?!?! Just…why?????? D:
I’d just lie(or not maybe) and say that because of a traumatic childhood that I cannot bear children. Using the double-edged guilt sword… they made me do it.
I know, it’s a horrible thing to be told no matter what one’s opinions about having children are.
But the translation is “I interpret strongly held opinions expressed tenaciously by [people I code as] women as nagging, because I am garbage and lack imagination.”
“you would be really cute pregnant!” 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁
D: D:
“any child of mine would not require the level of repair you do”
Not acceptable.
However “You’re a hematologist, you know about colours” is perfectly salient. If you can tell a reactive lymph from a mono, you have some pro level colour differentiation.
I think my favourite colour is either plasmacyte (cytoplasm) or promyelocyte (granules). Can we get Pantone on those?
Hey girl! I’m an enzymologist who wears black every day! We should be buddies!
Ughh. Also reminds me of the OKC message I got recently that was like, “You’re not in IT and have an otherwise non-computer-geek profile — how do you know about xkcd?” Because it’s a wildly popular web comic that I’ve been reading for years. Bets on whether a guy would get asked that question?
It’s always the best when they’re SHOCKED and AMAZED that you’re familiar with super well-known stuff, just because it’s “geeky.”
Wow, back in high school everyone used to print out the most recent xkcd comics and tape them to the whiteboards in various classrooms. It is *not* some obscure computer person thing.
“I’m sorry to break your hipster little heart, but it’s cool now. Do you actually get the interpersonal humor in it, or do you just read it for the computer jokes?”
“I’m sorry to break your hipster little heart, but it’s cool now.”
Shh. Don’t tell them. There will be nerd rage, and foaming at the mouth and such.
I used to get asked if I know what reddit is all the time. I was like uuuugggggghhhhhhhhh.
ROFLMAO! My husband went to school for IT and is the “tech” in our house. I’m just your average every day “geek girl”. But…I’m the one who had to explain “reddit”. Also “tumblr” “meme” and was the one who introduced him to Chrome.
I would not be able to work in tech due to the fact that I have the worst poker face. Plus, susceptibility to rage blackouts.
“And you don’t mind if I call you a ‘dick’, do you?”
You are marvelous.
My fave of all the weeks of replies to this funny, apt and infuriating article.
hahahahahahahAAhahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHFSAHFASLKDFLFHLAFKHFLASEIECMNThDHAHAAHAAAAAAAAAAAA
*laugh gets louder, mouth gets bigger and bigger until face splits into bottomless gaping chasm from which Llorothaag emerges to slowly devour their entrails for all eternity*
Brilliant, am still laughing.
This is appropriate for my mood right now, after having my computing help ticket be ignored for over 48 hours. The computer dudes then responded to my male coworker’s identical ticket with a long technical explanation of how their people had screwed up, whereas mine got a terse “It’s been resolved.”
omg IT tickets can just all go straight directly down to hell.
do…. do women not make coffee? what unknowable coffee-making secrets are men keeping from us??
(the others are all rageworthy, of course, but that one is just… baffling?)
I think the context is that she was singled out as the probable maker-of-coffee?
oh right, that makes sense, thank you.
I’m still confused by the “you know about x” phrasing rather than “you know how to do x” but whatever, dudes are weird and confusing.
The funniest/worst part about this is I work in specialty coffee… a field overrun with dudes.
I took it as the dude expecting that she would be the one replenishing the coffee for them despite not actually drinking coffee ever, because vaginas.
yea, I was confused by the phrasing, but that makes sense.
Ugh, men, really.
yeah sorry I got really excited about how terrible men are and didn’t notice that someone else made the exact same point before me, hah
Because coffee…comes from vaginas?
So that’s why my coffee doesn’t taste as good as the stuff from the coffee shop. I’ve been making it all wrong!
vaginas are such multitaskers, did you know they have wifi too?
not everyone with a vagina is a woman.
She doesn’t DRINK coffee, but the men automatically expect her to make the coffee. For them. You know, because they want coffee, and she’s a woman. She should be serving them.
See, the answer to that is “No, I know nothing about making coffee – you’ll have to do it if you want any.”
A little but of cinnamon or nutmeg added to French press is amazing…. Although this little tidbit is a secret to most men as well.
This was a balm to my soul. May Llorothaag bless and keep you [sane, despite the demands of serving her].
There is nothing about this that I do not love with every cockle in my heart.
I misread this as “every cookie” in your heart and, wow, a heart full of cookies, that’s a substantial amount of love indeed
I mentioned this in last week’s open thread, but a male coworker once said to me “when I heard that you were setting up the website I expected something really crappy, but this is actually nice.” This was pretty much par for the course. He just applied for a job at my current university and I told my PI that he would be a terrible mentor to young women, a complaint my PI took very seriously.
Don’t bully the female undergrads, they have long memories and one day may have actual power (or at the very least good relationships with people who do).
Seconded – I was recently tracked down and asked about a former classmate. I was SO hesitant to do so (not sure why) but I had to be honest – NO DO NOT LET HIM WORK WITH VULNERABLE POPULATIONS HE’S A JACKASS WHO THINKS HE’S EDGY AND FUNNY.
Oh I was SO hesitant too. This was a guy that had very poor relationships with every single woman in the lab, and it was a repeated pattern of events, but it took me a while to work up to telling my boss, for reasons that are somewhat unclear (mostly irrational fear of this being seen as a personal issue, I think).
It’s so heartening to hear that some people actually take you seriously when you raise these types of concerns though! Cheers to you!
Dude, don’t feel bad for feeling nervous. I spoke up in a similar situation, and it went the other way and I kinda wish I hadn’t said anything because of all the shit I have to wade through now. It is very good that you spoke up, but being cautious about when to make those calls is OK.
I overheard a female colleague describe an event speaker as “large, but I liked her.” HOW DO I EVEN BEGIN TO ADDRESS THIS??
When I brought up a particular meeting-facilitator with a coworker (not either of the two I have previously mentioned in these comments because scientist-men are the worst) he immediately said “oh yeah, I’ve been at one of her meetings before. She’s not bad, but not good girlfriend material.” It was so out of left field I didn’t even really respond.
uuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhh meeting facilitators are not HERE to be your girlfriend material you shiteswipe!
That kind of shit makes me so mad.
YES THANK YOU FOR YOUR BONEPINION GOOD BYE NOW.
Ugh my mom is the same way about my cousin’s (her nephew-in-law’s) wife. “She’d be so pretty if she lost weight and stopped caking on makeup.” She has a sort of vintage pin-up girl makeup thing going on, which looks SO rad, and the weight thing – yeah she’s overweight but (1) none ya’ business (2) does not affect her pretty face (3) she is a wonderful human being (4) she might be in perfectly good fitness, you’re not her doctor (5) shut the fuck up.
Oh god. Yeah. It’s super important that she be likeable – if she’s not pretty, she can at least be that! Can’t think of anything else it might be important for her to be, especially not in her capacity as a speaker on presumably factual matters. Nope! Nope.
I told the HR manager for a former recurring-temp-gig that a particular person wouldn’t work well with the team he was applying to work with, because several employees were young, female college students — and dude had very poor boundaries. (In the social group we both frequented, he’d latch on to the younger women as confidants and seek them out when he was feeling emotionally needy. And he was going through a very unpleasant divorce, so emotionally needy was often.)
HR manager thanked me for the information and he got a job elsewhere on campus.
I’m not in tech, but my desk at work is right in front of the door, so everyone who walks in assumes I’m the receptionist. (We don’t even have one and I am far and away the company’s surliest, least friendly/welcoming employee.)
My office is next to the office of a colleague who splits time between two sites. My title, which is on my door, involves the word “Senior” and a sort of scientist. I have lost count of the number of times people have entered my office without knocking and asked to leave messages with me for him. I usually respond with, “Or you could email him.” Followed by blinking at them in stony silence until they leave. Only a couple of times have they pushed it and I have told them less than gently that I am not his admin and I’d like it if they would remove themselves from my office. I have a very supportive boss and grandboss so I’ve managed to be politely nasty to some pretty important people.
I happen to sit in the cube next to our director (who is lovely and the best.) He is never at his desk, and when people come over to look for him I can see them wanting to ask me where he is with every fiber of their being. They glance at me and say “he’s never around, is he?” I say “nope.” If they continue to hover I say I charge $5 to answer that question and then they usually go away (I work in the sort of place where I can get away with this – unless it’s our VP asking.)
I desperately want to switch cubes with a male colleague for a few months and see what happens.
I desperately want you to, and for you to tell us!
“grandboss”
stealing it
Similarly, I really love it when students barge into my office without knocking and demand to know when Professor X will be in. This happens a fair bit because we’re in a U-shaped suite and my office is a straight line with the suite door, so I get all manner of dumb questions. My favorite was the kid who walked in and practically yelled, “I need a stapler.” “I don’t have one,” I said, calmly, while stapling a pile of documents.
I am a receptionist. Well, I’m not actually a receptionist, but I do have a slightly public-facing secretarial job and if anyone does call or wander in, I deal with them. Honestly, one thing I hate about the whole “and men always think I’m the receptionist” thing is that there’s an expectation that the receptionist is a stupid, throwaway person. On the one hand, yes, it’s frustrating to be mistaken for someone with a different and lower-ranked skillset than you have, and certainly it’s about how no one assumes that women can be programmers/lawyers/professors/etc….but there’s also a lot of contempt in the whole framing because there’s an assumption that being the receptionist is bad.
Many of the people who have treated me really badly have been women anxious to distinguish themselves from me. Which, on the one hand – well, it’s patriarchy pushing them to do that. On the other hand, it’s not like they couldn’t choose otherwise.
(Also, please don’t say that thing about how “the office would collapse if it weren’t for the secretaries”. If you’re not backing that up with money, job security and decent treatment, it’s just a patronizing cliche. We all know that you simultaneously think we could be replaced by trained monkeys AND expect us to know Drupal, Illustrator and various arcane aspects of the J visa process.)
I am currently a CEO. I have been a secretary and a receptionist. I am always nice to secretaries and receptionists for three very good reasons:
1. I know what it’s like to do those jobs and it’s hard enough without people behaving like arseholes to you.
2. It’s the right thing to do
3. (slightly more self serving) Secretaries and receptionists have a lot of indirect power. They are gatekeepers to places you usually really want to get to. If you choose to piss them off merely because you are trying to prove that you aren’t one of those “menial type” people you are behaving super sub optimally.
*wild applause*
I LOVE being a receptionist! But the pay is shit (and if I look at job listings, any similar jobs are all “entry level” so have worse advertised pay/benefits+ without the discount to student loan payments I currently receive for working for a non-profit). I do a lot of what’s probably “minor” work on top of basic receptionist duties, but you know that if I didn’t do it, people would get annoyed that it wasn’t done because they wouldn’t have time to do it themselves (and I know my co-workers who are also secretary types say the same thing about their minor duties).
The thing that gets me is that people assume I’m a part-timer still in school, because I’m a receptionist. Apparently it’s not enough to assume women are receptionists just because they’re women, but if they really are the receptionist, it can’t possibly be a full-time job that they plan to continue. It’s like, nope, women are never capable of the job they actually have, they have to be something lesser.
I work in the trailer at a construction site, and the men here (who are some of the least sexist-in-the-workplace people I’ve ever worked with) used to call me the Secretary or the Receptionist before I kindly took offense and said, “I am the OFFICE MANAGER, not your g-d secretary.” It’s been fairly smooth sailing ever since.
It’s not the title so much as the mental images it may call to mind. The fact that one of the subcontractors refuses to call me by name and instead refers to me as “young lady” makes me realize how lucky I am to work with this particular set of dudes. I am in my thirties! I am not flattered or amused by your “young lady” talk!
In the days when I was a receptionist (at a real estate office), one of my favorite, most memorable phone calls I answered involved a man who asked, “Are YOU a realtor?” a common question we, the receptionists would get over the phone. When I replied, “No, I’m just the receptionist,” he said, “Well, now, don’t say JUST the receptionist. I mean, receptionist, that’s a good thing.”
Never had I felt prouder to hold my underpaid, underappreciated post.
OMG YES THIS. One of the ways I know my organization is healthy is that the support staff–receptionists + assistants–tend to be paid well and treated with active respect by senior staff. But I work at a large church, and I’m constantly amazed at the disrespect some people have toward receptionists. AT A CHURCH.
My mom was laid off from a church where she was the receptionist/admin and didn’t find out until then that they HADN’T BEEN CONTRIBUTING TO UNEMPLOYMENT. And hadn’t ever mentioned that. Because apparently you don’t have to pay unemployment if you’re a church (at least in Florida). She went through a full challenge process TWICE and lost both times. The church never gave her a penny, even though she’d gotten really shitty pay. It was also one of those lovely places where you have to pay health insurance fully yourself.
Don’t even get me started on churches dodging labor laws. I’m a Christian, and I love working for the church, and the shitty ways so many churches treat their employees makes me FROTH AT THE MOUTH.
YES. I have done this job. A lot of people aren’t… so bad, directly? But they tend to think your job isn’t very hard (and act accordingly). Even though you’re never JUST the receptionist. You also put together the weekly bulletins (especially a lot of work in liturgical churches), act as assistant to the pastor or priest, liaison for the preschool, you listen to homeless people, break the news that so-and-so has died, etc. etc. All on part-time hours, too! My job title is Office Manager for a reason, people. Sometimes it seems like you’re the last to know anything, but the first to be asked.
And now I also sound disrespectful to any receptionists who are “just” receptionists. I’m sorry, not my intention. I just… ack. Gaah. I’m so glad I’m not there anymore, even though they laid me off and one particular person mishandled it awfully.
While I’m at it, I should include something that someone in an important volunteer position in the church said to me once. I walked back into the office from somewhere else and someone was using my chair. “That’s okay, you can sit on my lap.” I… wut… no. Why did no one at least warn me about you thank God I almost never see you go away. Unfortunately I was too shocked with him to do anything more than fake laugh at the time. >_<
When I worked as a paralegal and general factotum before law school, I was coming out of call centers where we were expected to tolerate cursing and bullying. The first time it happened at my firm, I took the message to the senior partner, visibly upset, and warned him that the caller might call back angry. When I told him what happened, he first asked why I didn’t hang up immediately, and I explained. Then, he summed up our policy thus: “We pay the support staff. We do not pay the support staff to be cursed at by anyone, because they have work to do. Hang up the phone. They can call back when they are ready to act like professionals.” (Our support staff are well paid. We have virtually zero turnover.)
Now I am a lawyer in the same firm and nothing enrages male attorneys more than a junior associate who has absolutely no qualms about hanging up on them if they’re bullying or abusive. And if you go after my assistant? You’ll be hearing about it from me.
Institutional culture matters. So much.
As a former legal secretary, then junior paralegal, and finally full paralegal, I just want to say DEAR GOD HOW I LOVE YOU, THANK YOU.
Please asexually replicate yourself as an army of fully formed adults and take over the legal industry. You know we need you.
I’ll work on it! That senior partner happens to be my dad, but he has told our support staff the same thing, including my assistant who also came out of call center. You are not going to cuss me out. You are not going to call back and cuss my assistant out and if you try I’ll outline our expectations in writing and let you explain to the judge if you continue why we no longer communicate with your office by phone. Some of us have too much work to do to indulge your venting of your spleen. And by some I mean “all of us.” We can’t do what we do without our support staff. They are not lesser just because they aren’t lawyers. This may be why I’ve thus far beaten the pants off every lawyer who tried that crap – both because they make it personal and because I’m guessing if they have support staff of their own they treat them like garbage and receive the level of service they deserve for doing it.
Being a receptionist isn’t bad because being a receptionist is bad; it is bad because it hurts my productivity, undermines my professional stature in my field and means people expect me to do tasks I am terrible at. I have respect for admins because I often end up working with them to shlup off the stupid people who come to me instead, and the support they give me for things I do find difficult, like scheduling meetings or shipping things out, is the only thing that makes up for any of the productivity I lose to the common interrupts. Of course, some guys get admin support and also don’t get interrupted by people asking to leave a message for someone else.
Speaking of respect, money, our replacements, and expectations. I was paid fairly well for my listed hours as Office Manager at a church, but when I was laid off, apparently for lack of money and wanting to pay my replacement less, they tried to tell me they didn’t give me any notice or warning because that’s standard. (Even though they weren’t “firing” me, supposedly.) Which, no. I’ve been treated better. At my last secular job, which also laid me off for lack of funds, for example. Anyway, I told them fine, but you can’t have it both ways — my replacement had called me with questions. You can lay me off on the spot if you want, but I’m not training someone else for you, too. I only wish that came back to bite those decision makers more than my successor, but she probably bore the brunt of it. Grrr.
What made it especially rich was that I had some important online passwords, and I checked once, they didn’t change them, at least not at first. If they were worried about what I’d do after I heard the news, they really bungled it. (Also no one who’s ever met me would worry about that. What the heck.) I could’ve caused a lot of trouble… but, you know, I didn’t, because I’m not evil, and I cared about the church, despite some of the leadership. Grrr again.
This was the case at a former office. I felt bad for junior staff who worked adjacent so I one day made a sign saying (paraphrased) ‘We don’t have a receptionist, please wait at reception area and use your mobile to contact the person you are visiting’. They couldn’t do it and their boss wouldn’t stick up for them, so I did.
I…..
I don’t have words. No words will ever be enough to do my love justice.
Also – was that a subtle Tamora Pierce?
Yes, yes it was. And it makes me so happy that you caught it! 😀
I’ve read a lot of Tamora Pierce but it must have gone over my head… is it a reference to being a goddess’s handmaiden, a la the Lioness quartet?
I can’t believe it’s a Tamora Pierce reference and I didn’t get it. I’ve read most of her books 2 or 3 times.
Will have to reread again.
Llorothaag sounds like my kind of monster deity. These altars of Llorothaag – do they ever run introductory events? Would I need to bring my own sacrifice?
Coming Soon from Mallory Ortberg:
Reasons Why I Would Make An Excellent Handmaiden of Llorothaag And You Should Consider Me For The Position
YES PLEASE.
Yes, but I can’t pronounce it, so I feel useless with “Llorothaag.”
I’m trying to decide if it’s a Spanish Ll or a Welsh Ll.
Is there a starter pack we could purchase? Maybe a beginner sacrifice toolkit and a basic how-to?
On the one hand, I wish my employers would even consider such radical notions as “hiring techs who aren’t white and/or dudes.”
On the other hand, I cringe at the thought of the sorts of “humor” that my existing coworkers would inflict upon any such hires.
On the gripping hand, I’d eagerly enjoy the wisecracking which would ensue in retaliation…
On the vestigial appendage, EVERY BIT of this post was comedy gold with a side order of weeping for humanity.
It sounds like you have an *amazing* opportunity for trolling on your hands…
I am going to use “EVERY BIT of this post was comedy gold with a side order of weeping for humanity” from now on with your permission. It is such a beautiful description of so much in society.
Yea, verily, Yea, Greyduck72
Once at an interview (I’m a sysadmin, the above quotes are my life and I’m currently debating job security v. posting them on my office door): “We could use a woman around here to keep us in line.” ALL HAIL LLOROTHAAG!! For I have been blessed with consent to bequeath her dominance to the human males!
ALSO, I have a gender neutral name, and one of the shining points of tech sexism has been when I get to take vendor calls that go like “This is Dave from Oracle, may I speak to Mr. Maim?” and I can respond with, “Does he know you?” “We’re old frat buddies.” Oh weeeereee you?!
I work for a female judge and people do a similar thing. It makes it so easy to determine who actually knows her and who’s trying to suck up.
Weirdly, I once had this happen with a male bookstore owner. “Oh, it’s okay, I know the owner, she’s a friend of mine.” “That’s funny, he’s never mentioned you, and hasn’t authorized any exceptions.” The smirk on the face of the customer behind her in line made it especially nice. Generally speaking, annoying customer moments don’t turn out that easy and fun.
I remember sorting mail for my boss when I came across an envelop marked “Mr. John (Lastname): PERSONAL!” Uh-huh. Her name was “Jane”.
Just what I was looking for in my career. Babysitting duty.
*puts up hand*
Why are we always supposed to be the official Party Poopers and Fun Ruiners? Really kind of hating that role with the white hot fire of the proverbial thousand suns, just generally.
/sits in corner, sulks
WOMEN KILL THE BUZZ
I gotta meet this Llorothaag. She sounds like my kind of chick.
Oh, wait…
She sounds like 112 of my kind of chick.
MEN (this is how I’ve been feeling all night, so thank you!)
“But—you’re way too nice to be a lesbian!”
Ban all men. That’s all I’ve got.
I’m not “in tech” but I’ve worked in a pretty male-dominated field for most of my working life, so these are really familiar to me. I particularly enjoyed “oh you’re going back to school? Is your boyfriend ok with that?”
I once had a cab driver ask me what my boyfriend thought of my short hair. I said “I’ve never asked him!”
Argh. I once had a security guard at the airport check my drivers license (shoulder-length hair) and look up at my pixie-cut self and say “Did you get your boyfriend’s permission before you cut your hair?” Luckily the line was long and in a hurry so I didn’t have to stand there and respond and/or think of an elaborate way to kill him.
I… I am trying to type a reply. But it turns out I am wordless.
An airport security guard asked me what happened to my hair (similar haircut transition) and I looked him dead in the eye with my grumpy 6-am face and told him, “Scissors.” He looked taken aback and then laughed. Not as blatantly gross as what that guard said to you, but it was satisfying.
‘No, he knows it’s 2015.’
‘Yes, he said “do it; it’ll totally mess with sexist security guards.” ”
‘I would have, but I don’t like to interrupt him when he’s cooking and cleaning.’
I love the idea of replying with something like this, but I can’t imagine in the moment that I’d come up with anything more nuanced than “Are you fucking kidding me”
I’ve decided the only reply for such situations is, “Well, I’m actually an ADULT, so I didn’t required anyone’s permission.” But it just doesn’t quite communicate the rage.
The only reason it’s any of my partner’s business whether I am in school or working is because he is my long-term partner (we’re now engaged, in fact), we live together, and our finances are mingled.
Also he is literally the biggest fan ever of “Squishycatmew goes to grad school, kicks everything’s ass, gets to be a scientist for realsies” EVER. Usually he’s more optimistic about school things than I am. Also he thinks I’m the smartest. And that is why I let him stick around and share the cat.
My hubby is also my biggest fan when it came time to quit my 4-year job in Corporate IT and go back to grad school to be an Astrophysicist instead. He said I’m the smartest and loved that he got to tell people about his awesome wife who travels to Antarctica to do Space Science and Engineering work. Also, he believes the whole “PMS-time-of-the-month” thing is rubbish. I believe Llorothaag would approve of this male human as my husband.
If one more dude at my office asks me to make them coffee I’m going to wind up in jail.
The one time I was asked, I used twice the amount of coffee I was supposed to. No one ever asked again.
Seriously? That still happens? Oh dear god.
I’ve volunteered to make coffee… They see me near the coffee maker after the first time, and they run me off. I use about half the allotted amount, and fill it to the top. I hate that crap anyway.
Cate, are you a velociraptor? A particularly smart velociraptor who is playing a deadly game of cat and mouse with a grizzled game keeper on a South American island? Because that is the only reason for a man to say “clever girl” to you.
OR if you are the new Doctor speaking to a very large misplaced dinosaur…
IIRC, that line didn’t work too well for him, either.
I have worked in logging and I have worked in construction, and my tiny sojourn in tech was far more sexist than either.
YES. The cowboys I worked with on every summer/weekend job ever growing up never would have pulled any of the awfulness I’ve gotten from dudebros in tech.
It helped that my first boss only hired women – you had to be really exceptional as a guy to get hired there, and that mostly meant being a young man who’s not a sexist dick. Only one boy ever made the cut in 5 years. The older cowboys & ranchers who’d come through were generally lovely (she ran the blacksmithing association, and we put up a lot of travelling cowboys’ horses around stampede time.)
Our blacksmith was my favourite. He taught little 15-year old me how to have the firmest of handshakes (blacksmith grip is kind of metal), and said it would be good for “weeding out the weasels from the men.” He was right. Anyone who looks surprised/taken aback at my handshake is usually the person I can expect these kind of comments from.
Oh god, I hate it when I shake someone’s hand, and he (it’s always he) comments on the firmness of my handshake. Yup, I can shake hands, please don’t comment on it, let’s move on, also you’re kind of weird.
I love this story, and I love that you shared it!
I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate “Clever girl” so much. I swear the next time I get it, I’m gonna say “Bad boy! We don’t talk to grownups like that.”
the only appropriate response to “clever girl” is WHY YES I AM A VELOCIRAPTOR SAY HELLO TO MY DISEMBOWELING CLAW
I have gone with “Does this mean I get to follow you around the kitchen trying to rip your guts out?” but it’s not an answer for every situation.
Just most of them.
Arg yes! One of the managers at work (luckily I don’t work with him most of the time) says this to me whenever I do something vaguely competent – it makes me rage for a good day or two afterwards.
I think I love you. Also, your reply, I am stealing….
There is an older man in a weekly team meeting who sometimes calls me “young lady” – not in a scolding way, just a “hi there young lady” situation. I hate this for many reasons, not the least of which is that my male counterpart, also in these meetings, is greeted by name. He is a full decade younger than I am. It hasn’t happened in a while, but next time I’m going to say something.
In my industry we get a lot of WAF (wife acceptance factor) – some dudes do make an attempt to say Spouse Acceptance Factor but I know what they REALLY mean.
Men are also always apologizing to me for cursing (again, usually all-male meetings. plus me.) and I don’t know how to respond. If anyone has some advice I’d be happy to hear it.
“Don’t fucking apologize to me, asshole.”
I mean, maybe not IRL, but at least in my dreams…
“Damn fucking straight you better not swear in front of me. I’m a fucking lady.”
I like yours better.
These are definitely in my head.
twice I’ve gotten away with handwaving and going “aw shit, don’t even worry about it.”
Aaaaaaagh, the apology thing! I had that happen in a seminar my first semester of grad school, only with sexual content. Class was all dudes, plus me. Here’s the thing: the content was unavoidable, given the topic of the course. I decided to write my seminar paper on one of the raunchiest, most peenariffic authors in the canon and presented on my topic before the group with perfect composure.
Which is to say, turning it back on them without blinking is always an option, if you’re comfortable with that. “Shit, man, it’s not like I’m going to fucking swoon or anything over here.”
First, “peenariffic” – amazing, will work this into my vocabulary asap. I’ve been trying to come up with a way to turn it back on them and I think assuring them I won’t swoon is an excellent start.
Or suuuuper exaggerated fake-swooning, complete with fanning yourself and the thickest, fakest Southern belle accent you can muster, followed by meeting their eyes and saying, “Sorry, can’t fucking help myself, cursing is so damn offensive.”
When I steal this & put it in a novel, I will credit you.
Maybe you should start swooning? It would get you out of boring meetings.
This is the best idea so far. Meetings are the worst.
People apologise for swearing in front of me a lot (often women, so I don’t think it’s a gender thing in my case, so who knows?) and I find it really weird. What have I done to make you think you need to apologise for that?
Mine is definitely a gender thing bc I am the only woman in a room full of men, and I am apologized to specifically. But I like your other point…why would a person feel like he needs to apologize? Maybe I can work this into my response.
Various women in my office older than I am swear and then apologize to me and when they do it they’re joking about how young I am (not that it’s any less irritating that way), so maybe it’s an age factor?
Nope, don’t think it’s age. I’m older than most Toast commenters. I get these apologies all the time.
Maybe they’ve got the idea you don’t swear? Maybe you seem rather reserved to them in these moments and they read that as displeasure?
I don’t think I’ve particularly had anyone apologise for me to swearing, but once I swore in front of a couple of (male) friends and they were all OH WOW, YOU KNOW IT’S BAD WHEN **SOPHIA** SWEARS!!!! I can only think I’d had a long clean streak in front of them by random chance because — I swear, plentifully.
I am *so* cursing in front of you and then apologizing profusely when next we meet.
I go with an eye-roll and an “Oh, fuck THAT.” Gets the point across. And yes, it happens enough that I have a default response; fuck that too.
I also get the people who apologize for telling off-color jokes in my presence. I have a special mental file of NSFL jokes that I pull out for just such occasions…works a treat.
I say, “I was never a sailor, but I have the vocabulary, believe me.”
In response to a dude saying “Oh shit, sorry! I’m swearing a lot” I have been know to say “Really? I hadn’t noticed” in a very not sarcastic, truly puzzled tone. It sometimes works.
I made it clear with a social group (mostly dudes) that cursing didn’t bother me AND that I was a real-beer lady by responding to “there’s wine coolers in the fridge” with “the fuck do you think you’re talking to, *last name*?”
I keep getting the apologies for swearing thing from my classmates. Except that we’re all geologists so we should know by now that everyone swears like a sailor, and we’re not even close to being in a formal setting. Whenever I bring that up, the dudes (it is almost always dudes) are like “but you’re so innocent!.” Bro, have you even heard me talk? I say fuck like every other word and also I’ve been spending the past half an hour thinking about how those hoodoos look like dicks, I’m not innocent.
They really, really do look like dicks.
Actual lady-type sailor here, and I get the same thing. I almost always tell them straight up “fuck off!” when they apologise to me for swearing.
Respond, “What the fuck do I care if you swear?” And do make sure you look at them as if they have three heads.
this one is a bit of an exception. lots of people apologize (sometimes to me, a male) and do other weird things around cursing, its like a mild form of PTSD (call it whipped-dog-syndrome) because there are a few people left in the world who really will take people to task for swearing.
..so, have mercy and just respond with a low-key, “oh I don’t give a shit..” Usually you’ll be met with relief, appreciation, respect.
(using the word ‘shit’ conveys that you’re not just being nice, but actually mean it)
I tell them to watch their fucking language.
at my current job, after a full first week of “ohhh did yeah_elle hear you say that?”/”we better watch our mouth now that yeah_elle sits here”/etc i finally snapped, “you can cut the delicate flower act because i DON’T GIVE A SHIT.”
i was worried about snapping at them and losing my cool, but it actually worked pretty well.
Ugh, good for you.
Exactly my case. Except I went with “Why the fuck would I care?”
For the record, I swear about 30,000 x more often than my nigel.
http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=266
(Third from the top. Her friend’s expression is gold.)
One of my parents’ friends did that apologizing for swearing thing to me – the only woman under 40 in the group at the time – and it was perfect, because I was sitting next to his son who is the *exact* same age as me and just pointed to him and said “Hey! Why aren’t you apologizing to him?” So you can turn it into a joke without escalating the situation or feeling too confrontational (“Don’t Joe & Mike deserve an apology? They’re very fragile when it comes to cursing.”)
my favorite is “Yes, I have heard those words before. I will not shatter if I hear a few fucking profanities.”
I have always worked in male-dominated fields. I started as a computer operator in a university computer center. I was the only female. I went on to many other positions, including a field service tech for IBM, where I was, again, the only female. It was rare for much of my career for me to NOT be the only female.
Anyway, here’s my response to the apology for cursing thing, because it happened to me. I immediately said, “Do not apologize. When you do that you immediately separate me from everyone else on the team, which I don’t appreciate.” I also ended up cursing as much as they did. To this day I cuss like a sailor and have really surprised more than one person when I so casually drop the f-bomb. :-/
My actual workplace response, in an auto repair shop and a gun store: “Yeah, watch your fucking language!”
::quietly marches to the toy store::
One… one icon of Llorothaag, um… thank you. yes. the scale model. fifteen inches of spider-queen with… yes, the blood pump. Thank you.
::sets up on desk::
::lights the ceremonial incense::
::sighs the happiest sigh of spider-queen relief::
All of these are terrible, but “You and my wife could mud-wrestle naked.” really blows my mind as something that somebody actually said to a real live co worker.
I like to imagine this is something he muses about with everyone he meets. Not having anything to do with who he’s talking to or why, he’s just struck every time he realizes he’s talking to someone capable of these activities. “Oh hey! Here’s ANOTHER person my wife could mud-wrestle naked! What are the odds?” At the bank, in a job interview, visiting grandma, it’s full of discoveries about who might mud-wrestle his wife in the nude!
Maybe his wife sends him out in the morning with a stern reminder that her naked mud-wrestling company is what is keeping this family afloat and he better bring her back some good recruits today.
(I mean, no, there is literally no excuse for saying something like that to a colleague, jesus fuck.)
“But you and MY wife couldn’t; she’d kill you.”
One you missed… “Hey you are a girl… you can answer this! Is <insert the name of any actress in Sci-fi or Fantasy> a D or a DD bra size?” Let me just check the ulta secret sizing list of all women in film/tv and let you know.
oh GROSS. I haven’t heard this one specifically, but for others dumbass comments of the same…genre, I guess?…I usually make some reference to “our secret meetings in which we plan world domination.” If you say it with a straight face, unblinking, dudes get REALLY unsettled.
A while ago I told my husband that years ago a friend’s brother accidentally called me (instead of someone else) and started talking about configuring iptables before realizing he had dialed up the wrong person. I mostly remember this because I was and still am puzzled as to why he had my number in the first place.
My husband’s response: “Sure he should have recognized from your voice that you’re not a guy?” Yep, only men can configure Linux systems. (He was trying to reach a female friend whose first name is very similar to mine.)
Yyyyyyou probably haven’t let him forget that yet, have you?
Ooooooo that would not end well with me.
“Honey, why did you clog up the toilet and not fix it?”
“Fixing things is your job. Surely you should have recognized from my [insert whatever trait you want] that I’m not a guy?”
All hail the glorious socialist collective of 112 baby chickens! Remember, “Death solves all problems – no man, no problem.” –Joseph Stalin (yes, *really*)
I just came down here to share that as of this week the executive leadership of the company where I work is all women, and truly badass ones, except for the CTO, who is a man and consistently objectified by all the straight women here because his hair looks like that 1970s Robert Redford.
Also there’s a free tampon machine in the bathroom so no men can confirm their suspicions about my hormonally driven emotions by observing my casually curled hands or bulging pockets en route to the rest room.
Also, I am sorry, and I look forward to the transmogrification when you ascend to Llorothaag’s throne and lay them all to waste with a single withering look.
Oh my god there are free tampons in the women’s bathrooms at my fiancé’s office. Also, there are lens wipes, toothpicks, q-tips, and whole bunch of other little things that just make life easier.
The women’s bathroom on the floor where my lab is has a single, gigantic stall, an automatic door to the hallway that takes a year to shut, and inexplicably, a basket of fake flowers, and two sinks. At least we don’t usually run out of toilet paper?
When I was just a young slip of a Rose, an older woman coworker advised me to always take my bag to the bathroom at work. That way no one would notice any difference on the days I actually needed the tampons I keep in that bag. She had survived 30 years as an engineer. She had always been the lone woman at past employers.
I always do that anyway, but that’s mostly because I don’t want my wallet stolen.
I really thought that was going in a “lay them all to eggs” direction.
I just walk to the bathroom with my tampons out and ready. I get a lot more work done for the next three days while being pointedly ignored by the older men who have seen me carting tampons around.
You are stone cold.
Yeah, and if some man starts whining, fling a ‘pon at him.
Omgosh what company do you work at? I wanna work there. Please email me at [email protected]. I’m currently in grad school but I’m studying software localization and I hope to work in tech someday.
My boyfriend works as a software engineer, in a very male-dominated company. In a company meeting, a senior member of staff talked about the need to get more women in tech, suggesting that they attract more applicants by telling them that, at their company, there will never be a long queue to use the women’s toilet! Good work engaging with the issue, sir.
(Also, one of my partner’s co-workers once said to me, in confusion, “Aren’t all bisexuals lesbians?” I wasn’t sure how to tackle that.)
“Aren’t all bisexuals lesbians?”
THIS IS NOT A DRILL
THEY FIGURED US OUT
ACTIVATE PLAN: OVERLORD
…Until The Right Man!
You forgot the last part.
My mom once asked if Violet in Bound was a bisexual lesbian, and I thought maybe that was not such a good time to come out to her.
(I think he meant “Aren’t all bisexuals attracted to women?”. Tried to explain that “lesbian” generally means “attracted to women exclusively”, and that bisexuals aren’t just heterosexual/lesbian hybrids, but I’m not sure it worked.)
That does seem reasonable, yeah. But what an awkward way to put it (on his part)!
Speaking only for myself, I’m a chimera, not a hybrid.
No, not all bisexuals are lesbians. Some bisexuals are men.
Last time I saw my brother in law, he complained that the men’s restroom at his office was always full, while the women’s one was too large for the number of women they had on staff. He then complained about how stupid management was when they decided to add an additional men’s restroom instead of remodelling the existing women’s restroom to give half the stalls over to a men’s restroom.
“Or,” I said, “Y’all could hire some women for a goddamn change.”
His shocked-then-embarrassed silence was glorious.
Aren’t all squirrels umbrellas?
I know I’m late to the party, but damn, that was actually legitimately one of the most glorious parts of taking the Professional Engineering licensure exam. Two minutes ’til the exam? No problem. Men’s room line out the door and around the corner of male engineers looking pained, and I breezed into the ladies’ room and cackled at my choice of empty stalls. Got back to my seat with plenty of time left on the clock.
╯(°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
This is all of us flipping all the tables.
I work at an art college and one time a faculty member came by asking if I knew where he could get some super glue. I pulled some out of my desk drawer, and he marveled, “Wow, why do you have that in there? For your nails?” I answered him deadpan, “No. For gluing things. I’m not sure why you would assume it was for my nails.” And he SHUT THE FUCK RIGHT UP and it was GLORIOUS.
I am well known for being too blunt and crass by far…. I am afraid my reply would definitely have been “Oh I keep it to glue mens balls to their inner thighs. It’s a time base performance piece I’m working on.”
Hello hero.
One time a guy asked if I had a hammer he could borrow. I did. He said the exact same thing.
I’m doing my nails wrong.
That actually sounds as though he was just making a silly pun.
Obviously you’re giving yourself manicures…at work…with glue…I’m so angry.
You are a saint for letting him use your glue.
“No, not for my nails. Superglue is Great for temporarily closing major flesh wounds.”
Back in the late 80’s and early 90’s I spent a lot of time temping. I was working (well, “working”) a reception desk at a company that I TELL NO LIES made machinery that makes shoes.
I’ll let that one soak in for a minute.
A couple of guys stood about 5 feet in front of me and noted that there was a “new girl” who was “working the phones.” (One of said guys was maybe 5 years older than I was at the time. I was maybe 21.) Then one of them asked the other a factual question which was met with silence.
I answered it.
In the ensuing silence, I said, “Yes, I am functional as well as decorative.”
DROP. THAT. MIC.
You are hilarious as well as heroic.
You are kind as well as generous.
From now on, “yes, I am functional as well as decorative” will be my default response to dudebros.
I Googled “Llorothaag” and Google says you are the only fine soul who has submitted her honored name to the Great Tubes of Inter. I am sure the Great Tubes of Inter will rectify this eventually, but for now I just thought you should bask in this once in a lifetime occasion.
She can start a religion now! All hail our galactic overlord Llorothaag! All our thetans are belong to thee, oh mighty spider-queen!
It begins: https://github.com/Llorothaag/ancienttexts
You are a rock star
Just watch, the pop-culture pagans of Tumblr will have a field day!
(and no, I’m not kidding. They actually exist. They’re like, the otherkin of polytheists.)
Every time I try to write a reasonable response to this article, I just end up thinking about men and wanting to punch my monitor.
Go punch a man instead.
Llorothaag bless and keep you.
(I will never leave the INGO matriarchy not for love or money, not after I heard the coworker I most look up to shout “IT MUST BE AWESOME TO BE A PRIVILEGED WHITE DUDE” down the hall at a colleague.)
“Clever girl”
Said as they’re giving you a sidelong glance right before you pounce on and tear them apart, I hope.
I hope your next piece will be called “Things I stabbed my male tech colleagues in the eye with” because I am dying to know.
All hail Llorothaag, may all men be devoured as She devours her mates.
Ugggh, makes me think of the friend-of-a-friend I met through work who looked at me and, COMPLETELY CONVINCED HE WAS COMPLIMENTING ME, said, “Aren’t you too pretty to be in operations?” which was followed shortly by the guys in my department mansplaining how I should accept a goddamn compliment.
Violent, fiery death. UGH.
Perfect use of the term mansplaining.
How you should accept this compliment:
“Why yes that’s true! Why don’t you follow me out back and let me show you my truck, tarp and shovel.”
Given that you’re in Ops, I imagine you have your own, but if not, you’re welcome to borrow my truck, tarp and shovel any time. Please fill it with diesel and hose out the bed when you’re done. Also, the next time douche implies that I’m not pretty because I’m in Ops… “hey dudemanbro, c’mon out back, I want to show you my truck, tarp and shovel…”
You should have asked him “Aren’t you too dumb to be in operations?”
I had a girl who was a few years ahead of me in mechanical engineering tell me that I was too pretty to be a mechanical engineer… :-/
It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it.
or
Yes, yes I am, but there you have it.
or
You mean you can see through my disguise of a biased asshole like yourself?! I must need to recharge the dilithium crystals…
Ask him, “Do you really believe attractiveness and intelligence are inversely proportional?” If you want to be mean and maybe burn some bridges, tell him his life is only one data point.
Can I use Llorothaag in a story (or 12)? I will totally give you credit in whatever way is appropriate. Pretty please? With blood sacrifices on top?
I just read this yesterday (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/soraya-chemaly/10-words-every-girl-should-learn_b_5544203.html), now your article today. <smh> At 57, I have a long list of these stories to tell but I’m going to remember that there are also men like my husband who has always championed me without patronizing me. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him worship at the altar of Llorothaag.
I’d prefer to leave spider gods out of it, but I’d like to think I’m following women’s teachings. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTboEwOPcH0
(at this point in my internet life I feel compelled to apologize when these things come up for not even being aware of all the gross stuff that goes on that I hear about afterwards, though I’ve stopped being VERY surprised, unfortunately enough)
No need to apologize for other men for stuff you didn’t do, just denounce that kind of behavior and condemn it. 🙂
Bahahahahahaha I have a fucking DRAFT just like this in my Google docs. Thank you so so so so so much for publishing! This is awesome, and I salute you.
I’ve had a fair few weird things at work over the years. I’ve had to have a male manager in a meeting to repeat everything I said because the far-east suppliers acted like I wasn’t in the room and I was the only person who understood the problem. Then they wanted tea. Apparently ‘Kettle’s over there’ is an appallingly shocking thing to say.
I’ve had the ‘not you, you’re one of the lads’ mentality a LOT – when I dated a lad from another department at one particularly large company, people referred to him as my girlfriend. Which was why someone who was a bit slow on the uptake came and asked me if I had a power drill, saying ‘I figured if anyone would have one, it’d be the angry dyke’.
I’ve also had someone from another office loudly talking about how something Just Wasn’t Possible, not letting me get a word in edgeways. I wish I’d got a picture of his expression when the boss wandered past and pointed out that he was stood next to the working prototype that I’d put together that morning.
I’ve also had a bloke run over and take a box out of my hands because ‘women shouldn’t be carrying heavy things!’ then I had to take it back straight away, because he put his back out.
> “How did you learn to do all this?!” The ancient Spider-Goddess Llorothaag came to me in a harrowing blood-soaked vision. In
> exchange for perpetual servitude as her handmaiden, she imparted knowledge of IP subnetting.
Am IT professional, can confirm. Alas, routing tables remain a dark art no matter what sacrifices I make. 🙁
“Oh, you’re working pretty late. Isn’t your boyfriend hungry?”
Maybe? But he has a functioning brain and operational limbs, I’m sure he’ll be fine. Also, you’re married and you’re still here so…
“Married women should never take work home with them, only men can get away with that.”
Yeah thanks for the relationship advice, man who brags about getting married on his lunch break and then coming back to work for the afternoon.
Not a colleague but a ‘friend’, in reference to the diamond planet (http://www.abc.net.au/news/2012-10-12/scientists-discover-a-planet-covered-in-diamonds/4308842) a few years back: “At last, a way to get women interested in space exploration!”
You’re right! Diamonds have so many applications in industry, science, and technology. It would be ridiculous for half the human population to ignore such a useful resource! [Actual response, because ‘friend’ not senior colleague.]
if someone called me “Clever girl” I would turn into a velociraptor and eat them.
Miss Cate, you have inspired me to make business cards with “Inexorable Agent of Destruction” on them. I thank you.
After a co-worker left our programming department, I finished the menuing system he was working on. After I showed the boss the final product, he said “Well, I guess it must not have been as hard as he said it was.”
Oh, wow.
“It wasn’t for me.”
Boom, there it is.
“No, it is that hard. I’m just smarter / better at this than he is.”
I now have a crush on you. FOr all of it but especially teaching me about Llorothaag.
“Must control Fist of Death!”
“The ancient Spider-Goddess Llorothaag came to me in a harrowing blood-soaked vision”
I laughed so hard I have tears running down my face.
Honestly, this felt good but it’s so sad how clueless these dudebros are, considering this is their perception of reality. They actually think it’s okay to say these things.
Very Hannibal of him.
Your ascii game is on the pointiest of points. Philosophers have spent hundreds of years discussing how many angels can dance on top of your ascii game.
Oh hey I actually got a copy of that list of the things most girls are into. I found it in the ladies’ restroom…guess someone else was studying for her Lady Certification. Here it is:
1. Makeup
2. Gossiping
3. Commitment
4. Yoga
5. 100 calorie snack packs
6. Trashy romance novels
7. Babies
8. Daytime TV
9. Shoes
10. Shopping
Hope that clears it up for you! Note the absence of hidden markov models, number theory, or functional programming languages. If you like those things you might want to talk to your doctor about what a defective girl you are. I heard actually if you eat enough Luna bars you start being excited about yoga.
My favorite random tech dudebro non sequitur of all time was when, out of nowhere, a coworker told me he didn’t think I seemed like the kind of person who would have kids. I guess he saw the look of bafflement on my face and hastened to add, “Well, maybe one kid.” Nice save? To this day I’m not sure if he meant it as a compliment or an insult.
I love all of those things except babies, what should I eat to get excited about those?
If you wait long enough I gather one day in your early thirties you’ll wake up and be like “BABIES EVERYWHERE ALL THE BABIES” and then you’ll make your boyfriend marry you? This is just what I’ve read.
A real-mother nurturing type also nurtures men at work. If you don’t do this, you aren’t a “mothering type.”
When I would tell my male colleagues that I had a child, they’d gape at me — mouths wide open — “you just don’t seem like a mother” they’d say. I’d say back, “why, because I don’t give a flying fuck whether you have a widdle cold?”
So many things wrong in my response, so many things.
Wrong = right.
“It’s got to be a girlfriend-proof system.”
Somehow I don’t think that guy needs to worry about that,.
I think I love you.
As a librarian, I get a portion of this when I have patrons come in with technical issues. Some of it is fairly innocuous and maybe sounds worse than they intended (“Do you know how to use this?”), but then I get the guys who interrupt me while I’m explaining how to use the device they brought in. One actually interrupted me each and every step of the process until I told him to wait a moment and brought another librarian over, and she told him the exact same thing that I had. I can only contain a civil, professional tone so long before I turn into Library Hulk.
LIBRARY HULK!
One I got recently, “You were really productive before you had a baby but now … not so much”. Do you think anyone has ever said this to a new father? grrrrr
I keep getting called a “good girl.” My genuine response, each and every time, regardless: “Woof.”
I can’t apologize for my tech brothers because only the can ask for forgiveness with respect to their offenses. But that women in Tech still face this in 2015 makes something in me die.
I recommend noticing when it happens around you and saying, “do not risk the anger of the ancient Spider-Goddess Llorothaag, puny mortal!” It helps if you practice until saying that in response to overheard-sexism becomes second-nature.
Not just tech. Name an occupation, and you will receive a list of all the shitty, condescending, sexist things men have said to women in that occupation, and all of those things will sound like what you just read.
I can list a few occupations women in my family have had where we received the same treatment. Painter (sister), CPA (sister), truck driver (sister again, what can I say she has reinvented herself quite a few times), property assessor (mom), chef (me).
I’ve already offered my opinion on the sexism in high tech and so, rather than repeat myself, I will merely say http://random-blather.com/2014/08/26/high-tech-se…
My co-author and I stopped at the conference help desk to ask for directions to the conference room.
The receptionist gave me the directions… then turned to my (female) co-author and said “We have a
special day planned for the wives. I have tickets for you.”
My girlfriend needed a drill. She picked one out and we went to the counter. She pulled out her
credit card and paid. The cashier handed the receipt to me to sign.
I was in the military, along with my husband. We drove to a national park to get a year pass (because the military get those for free). The guy at the gate told me that even if my husband weren’t present, I could still use it to get in for free.
*wasn’t
“You call me chick, I’ll call you cock. Same species again, right?”
UGHHHH my friend’s fiancee calls women “chicks” and now she’s starting to use it mindlessly and I hate everything burn it to the ground.
“Capon” is like cock but with the nuance of “little”.
Ha! You are my hero. I wish I could manage more of a comeback than sputtering.
How awful.
A number of years ago I had a client on the phone who simply refused to deal with me although I had not interacted with him at all prior to this call. He asked to be put through to my supervisor and when I politely informed him that she was not available he complained that he didn’t want to deal with a woman and would speak to HER supervisor – who was at lunch. I told him she would be back at 1 and he gibbered about speaking with HER supervisor. I told him she was not at her desk but I could leave a message. He hung up and I laughed a lot! It was a bit of a fluke that my entire supervisory chain that week was female as the top of that chain was only acting in the position and the office structure was, as usual, male top-heavy.
That is the greatest thing
I have ever read
I’m feeling really lucky now.
In a field with 10% women (aerospace) and I haven’t really had anything bad said to me at work.
When I was a student though, it was constantly guys saying horribly sexist things about girlfriends or random girls walking by and on top of that thinking I wouldn’t mind them saying this stuff in front of me because I was “one of the boys” because you know only boys like airplanes.
I spent my sophomore year carrying/wearing pink and flowery things to try and counter this notion. I don’t even like pink.
The extra sad part was how aerospace engineers were considered the most desirable dates on campus. Duh. Who doesn’t wanna date a rocket scientist. So girls I knew kept asking me to set them up with guys I knew from class. And I was always like, they’re such jerks. I found they were nice to the humanities major girls who weren’t “one of the boys”.
Put me off dating. How do you know if someone is genuinely not a chauvanistic pig or just being PC?
Same field Z K and true, guys have never said anything as bad to me.
Exception of one who told me that I should quit my PhD because my husband would feel insecure because he would have a less advanced degree. (?????). Sad part for him, he is the only one of our cohort that got ejected from of the program.
All the others were very nice, definitely said some weird things about girls and life in general…but most were a bit socially challenged which made for some VERY interesting conversations and were still good guys.
but that was grad school. I did not experience undergrad in the US.
Some of the worst came actually from some professors. One told me that girls who were too pretty had a harder time being taken seriously. I was too feminine for his tastes. And another told me that girls could not see (represent things in their mind) in 3D….Really? I can. “Well, you’re an anomaly”. I also had another professor sitting in the back of the class I was teaching in case I needed help with all these undergrad boys..” they can be wild you know”. ????!!!!
Llorothaag! Thank you for this list; brilliant. Having worked in IT for 20+ years, I have managed to learn not to piss off the women I work with – for starters, they’re usually smarter than I am. I try to impart this to my younger male co-workers, this is often to no avail. Hail Llorothaag!
diaries of a female service technician.
“i’ve never met a female technician before!”
“you’re just the delivery girl right, a guy comes by later to install it?”
“show me your chest tattoos. just undo the top button…”
SHOW ME YOUR CHEST TATTOOS???
I’m about to burst into flames of rage.
mhm. he’s on the do not attend list now, along with the man who just ‘loved watching me work’ and the lovely gentlemen who signed for their work orders with big cartoon cocks.
Chatting with a male colleague the other day, I was lamenting that no one in our office ever seemed to want input from my division and it felt like we were ‘just the [scientist type]s, why listen to them?’. He said ‘But [scientist type]s are adorable!’ And followed up two seconds later with ‘…don’t take that the wrong way.’
face. fucking. palm.
Worst I’ve ever gotten: “Come on, you don’t actually think women should get equal pay? Men have to buy you drinks.” DEAD. SERIOUS.
I freaking hate that argument! 1) No one says you have to pay for anyone’s drink (& I personally don’t mind going Dutch). and 2) Fine, we’ll agree to never expect you to pay for drinks again if you’re *only* willing to date women who spend exactly as much money & time as you do on grooming, clothes, etc. See how far that gets you, superficial jerk.
My favorite answer to “you’re not a girl-girl” is, “That’s right pal, want to see how hard I can hit?” The answer is always no, sadly.
This saddens me a great deal. It is apparent that some things never change. I worked in tech jobs starting in 1969. The same stupid comments were made back then. Guys would ask me to type in their programs for them. I would reply, “Oh sure. But you should know that typing is the only course I ever got a D in.”. Keep up the good fight!
“You remember what happened to that guy in the movie right after he said ‘clever girl,’ right?”
A (female) colleague and I debated seriously about whether to put up pictures in our offices of our kids, because our (male) students see them and, when we give them feedback/instruction later, say things to us like — no lie — “You’re such a mom!”
We’re graduate school professors.
I work in a mostly male coworking space full of start ups, and I’m constantly reminded how in the freelance zone, there is no recourse to sexual harassment. On two separate occasions, guys have asked me if I’ve just been fucked. Another made a deep throat reference. There have plenty of other insane/inane things that have been said, but I guess they’ll all pale in comparison. Thank you to The Toast and to Cate for giving us a forum to plot our revenge.
What. The. Fuck. My brain cannot even process saying that to another person, let alone at work.
This is the best ever.
Llorothaag ftw
I work as a live audio technician/engineer. This means I generally work with men. (I *love* when I get a woman in the mix.) I mean, SO SO many terrible things are said, including apologizing for cursing (to which I tend to respond, “Why the fuck should I care about the shit you say?”)
But the one time I actually somewhat feared for my safety was when they were giving a lesson for putting up a lighting tree (metal truss you put vertically to put lights on for conferences, etc) and he was going over tying up the cable properly so it doesn’t look terrible. So on cable (which I’m sure people know, but just in case), there’s a male end and female end. No big deal. The male end is coming from the light and plugs into the female end of the cable. You don’t want to tie up the end coming from the light in case you have to replace it. He could have said that. Instead he said, “The way I was taught to remember this was that only women get tied up.” Everyone laughed (all the other people were men) while he pretended to wonder what was so funny (his usual schtick) and I shrunk just a little and lost some trust in these guys. I was so shocked I didn’t have a comeback.
Also an audio engineer here and as I was reading this beautiful article I began mentally compiling my own such list of the bullshit things dudes say to me on the job. So glad there’s another in the Audio Sisterhood!
Ok… That’s just super exciting. (Probably more than it should be, but most women I come across in this industry are lighting… which is fine. Good people, but not as many audio women!)
High five for the Audio Sisterhood!
All I can think up is, “Why? Because only men are psycho serial killers?”
“I didn’t know they made girls like you” We come out of the womb-pods in only two models. I am the lethal version.
“I told my wife that she didn’t have to change her name when we got married, but only because I knew she hated her last name and was definitely going to take mine” said my boss, thus insuring I knew that any pretense of feminism he presented was just a lie told because he respects none of the women in his life.
“My wife knows I am faithful, so we can get lunch” Now you’ve made it weird dude-who-is-my-grandfather’s age. Very weird.
“Pick Up Artistry isn’t all like that!” I am so sorry I joked about your creepy misogyny cult, now can I quietly back away?
(In the middle of mitigating a DDoS attack on the company) “Man, that server is TOTALLY getting RAPED, you guys. Like TOTALLY RAPED.”
That’s weird, I thought it was being overwhelmed with network traffic to the point that it was no longer able to respond to requests. Which is exactly the same as rape.
Sad to say but I have had similar experiences in the legal profession. Love the “compliments” and always hilarious when I am mistaken for the court reporter or paralegal. Not that there is anything wrong with court reporters or paralegals. :-/
Same here. At one point, our offices were getting shuffled around, and for some bizarre reason, people kept asking I was a receptionist or something. One guy (no idea who he was) tried to hand me a document and asked if I’d take care of it. I shrugged and said, “Sure, if you don’t care what happens to it.”
I’m in law, too. We wear robes in my jurisdiction, so that helps, otherwise I got asked, “Where’s your lawyer, dear?”
Had one awesome day, though. Just as we were adjourned, one of the bailiffs said, “Hey, an all girl day!” And we all looked around the room and every single person there was a woman, judge, bailiff, officer guarding the court that day due to threat by male litigant, reporter, both counsel and the admin lady who came with the cart to take away the files. None of us had noticed until the bailiff spoke up.
When I was growing out my pixie cut and could finally put my hair into the world’s tiniest ponytail:
MALE COWORKER: You’re like a real girl now!
ME: Yes. That’s exactly how it works.
Any women here for whom overwhelmingly female workplaces are unfamiliar should learn about Washington, DC and the professional association industry. The pay is fantastic, the atmosphere is “cool”, and the area is hot. And of course the benefits and amenities are super progressive.
Meanwhile as a black man stuck in this (i.e. people hiring for better positions want to hire other “cool women” to work with) it absolutely sucks and I fucking hate my life and want to die.
Yes! I’ve worked in a majority female area (state historic sites), and the women did the exact same thing to the men. It was more like, “we’re helping other women get ahead,” and “we love mentoring young women,” than actually implying the men couldn’t do the job. But it was still really inappropriate (I’m a woman, by the way).
Ugh. Senior year in High School. Most advanced math class in the school. The one other girl in the class wasn’t there. A scumbag classmate: “Keleli, you’re a girl, you should make brownies for the class.” I also had a male friend in the class, both of us with the top marks in class. They continuously went to him for questions. Then he would ask me.
Oh no! Human resources! The Grizzly bears did grizzly stuff!
I admire STEM girls so much. If I had that skill set I would make a hobby of destroying the websites of Julien Blanc, RSD and other promoters of rape culture. Guys are clueless.
As a woman working in a state office overseeing historic sites and museums (a very female dominated area, at least in my state), I’ve heard the same sort of things often from my female co-workers regarding the few men in our business! Here’s my favorite story:
We were having a staff meeting about how to handle a phoned bomb threat, if one ever occurred, at a historic site. My boss kept referring to the hypothetical bomber as “he” even though our agency makes a serious effort to say “he or she” or just “them” in everything else we do. The one man at the meeting finally interjected “or she,” and my boss, totally seriously, gave him a double-take and said, “Well, I don’t think a bomber would be a woman”!
What’s nice about getting a little bit older is that young dudes get a little bit intimidated by you. So when they do say something, I can usually just raise my eyebrows at them and wait, silently, expectantly, for them to realize they have Stepped in the Shit. They start to stammer and blush. I may or may not smile when I graciously let them off the hook as they apologize.
Older dudes remain oblivious, and don’t like me as much as when I was a sweet young thing. That’s annoying in a different way. But they don’t ask me to fetch and carry for them either.
Yes, the silent response is my favorite as well. Not only do you avoid saying something that could come back to you, but anyone who isn’t a total sociopath is prompted to do a little self-discovery and lessons learned that way seem to stick better.
As a male, I have never been on the receiving end of it. As a person who has spent all of his working life in large workplaces with policies about harassment (since ’91, at least), I have never even _heard_ any of this shit. I account myself incredibly lucky.
Phew, it stinks. Nobody should have to put up with this shit. All of you who have, have all the sympathy I can load onto you.
Most days, Mallory Ortberg is my favourite thing. Today it is Cate Burlington. Also, weirdly, I have developed a desire to go into IT simply for the opportunity to lay down some snappy comebacks
I worked in Police Headquarters for my city, which had exactly 1 female managers (of 15), and ONLY female support staff (of which I was one).
I was young enough to be pleased when they told me I was “one of the guys” and “we can be real around you” (which boiled down to them feeling the freedom to tell sexist jokes when I was the only woman there).
But I drew the line the day they put Porn on the tv at retirement party. As soon as I saw it, I said “Turn it off.” The nine guys turned around, open mouthed. The top level manager said, “But you’re one of us!” One of the others said “She’s just joking.” I said “No, I’m not. I have no desire to watch a woman get objectified, or listen to you guys talk about objectifying her. Turn it off.”
They acted like kids at a birthday party who’d just had their cake and ice cream taken away. THEY ACTED LIKE I WAS THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM.
See, this is why there has to be more diversity in the workplace, period. Since when is it appropriate to show porn at any work function, unless you work in the adult film industry? Even if there were no women there, do that in your personal time, with your regular friends. I feel like so much butthurt is because guys can’t do the inappropriate things they got away with when they only worked with men who didn’t care or wouldn’t speak up. Guess what? It was always not cool; it’s just now in your face that it’s not.
My first day as the new writer or my US Army base newspaper: (Captain) “Oh, you’re or new journalist? Miss Noguchi, show her where the coffeepot is.” (Private me) “Sir, I don’t drink coffee.” (Captain) “Read he instructions.”
Ten minutes later: (Captain) “OK, listen up folks: _never_ let (Pvt. me) near the coffee machine. _Never_.”
I race cars as a hobby. One weekend not long ago I had my new track car (A 2000 Corvette FRC) out for its first weekend of racing. It had been a TERRIFIC weekend with the car performing even better than I expected. My husband had gone to get the car trailer and I was cleaning up around my car when the guy who had been pitted next to me walked up.
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you,” he said. ” I wanted to tell you just how much I admire you.” He then nodded at my car and said, “Cuz, you know, that’s an awful lot of car for someone like you.”
My response.. ” You mean.. someone tall? someone with red hair? OOH… you mean.. someone with boobs!”
At every annual meeting since I became the only woman owner at my company (not historically ever, just currently), I have heard the comment about how lucky it is that I’m not an employee any longer (basically so I wouldn’t be able to sue them for sexual harassment). Even worse, nothing they have ever said to me would constitute sexual harassment, so that comment was made solely because they want to maintain their self-image as “bad boys”.
Also familiar with the apologies for cursing in front of me (I curse like a sailor). It was also intimated that my presence at the meeting would mean the end of their freedom to engage in “guy behaviors”. I’m not sure how much more I can stress that you can do whatever the fuck you want, but you need to accept the consequences of that action, which may be my thinking that you are an asshole. I am not a fucking hall monitor or kindergarten teacher for you guys. “Misbehave” all you want, I will come away from that experience thinking you are shitheads, but in no way is it my duty or responsibility to keep you in line.
The other standard male behavior with these guys is establishing non-work friendships with the junior guys that work here, but not with the junior ladies. When I suggested that a lunch meeting should include the junior lady on the account, the senior dude was aghast at that suggestion because of how it would “look”. So, not wanting to die on that particular hill on that particular day (taking him to task on why that would look bad when I have had solo lunches with the same dude, which “looked” exactly the same but apparently was OK because I wasn’t the junior lady anymore but an equal lady), I went with the less-controversial suggestion that perhaps the junior dude on the account could also be included to improve the optics. We may have moved on from the intentional leaving out of women, but we are stuck with the harder-to-address “unintentional” / “I didn’t do it on purpose” leaving out of women.
At my last job one of my male coworkers was obsessed with me becoming a mother some day…it was really creepy. Whenever I did something that impressed him he would say “you are going to be such a good mom.” URG
“If you’re a good girl maybe you can post your application on my server,” told to me a manager at a federal agency, in DC, with another woman present.
I find it a mark of pride that I completely misunderstood your comment. It took me three readings to figure out that “making brownies” isn’t like making points in the class; you meant literal brownies, didn’t you? Like, the fudgy kind? That’s how far removed your classmate’s comment is from (my) reality.
Worked at a “boys club” bank for many years. I was routinely passed over for promotion despite my seniority and consistent first place on the sales leader board. One a group of guys were standing near my desk telling dumb blonde jokes. I’d had it. I jumped in with my own. “Why are all blonde jokes one liners?” The guys were already laughing in anticipation. “So men can understand them.” Cue silence and confused looks as I turned on my heel and left them to mull their stupidity.
I was told that they didn’t trust anything that bled for 5 days and didn’t die. I said I didn’t trust anything with 2 heads and a small brain. Plus, I was on the shot so the argument was invalid.
My favorite (NOT) has always been ” …you don’t think like a woman!” I am a woman. This is how I think. Therefore this is how a woman thinks. QED.
Dicks. Dicks everywhere.
I got talked to as if I were toddler today by a man I’ve never even met. This fits in nicely with my rage theme today.
How ODD that YOU should have developed Sense, Manners & decorum! I wonder why these MEN did NOT….?
I like to imagine when he said “clever girl”, it was in the same way when Robert Muldoon gets outsmarted by a powerful velociraptor, right before his face gets eaten.
Why yes I am a powerful, dangerous, brilliant creature that will destroy you at a moment’s notice. 🙂
Cate, how about ‘matris pediludium’?
It is not just in tech. My 36-year old daughter is a Senior Vice President at a “big” bank and an Auditor. She was going into a meeting and some guy thinking he was pretty cool was trying to chat her up thinking she must be somebody’s assistant. As the meeting began and people were introduced the guy found out that she was his boss’s boss. Oops! He was very quiet after that.
Brilliant, simply brilliant.
Tangentially related (I work in Science!) but coming back from a particularly gruely early morning HIIT class (High intensity interval training) I once had a colleague say to me ‘at least you’ll be ready for summer’. Because the *only* reason a woman would be working out is to wear a bikini…
I recall a chat with a client of mine (a woman), who seriously told me that her soon to be ex-husband didn’t like me and said I was too hyper. I quietly said to her, “You mean you are worried that the guy who used to beat you up doesn’t like your lawyer?” She thought for a second, smiled and said, “Wow, it’s hard to get out of thinking that his opinion matters!” So I didn’t fire her. She did OK.
Good Work! More people like you!
I had a client who retained me in her divorce after I had successfully whooped her sexist asshole husband and his equally asshole male lawyer in a matter where I represented his previous ex-wife because “the way he talked so bad about you and came home so mad every time you had him in court like you cheated meant you had to be good.” Those two ladies rank among my favorite clients of all time.
I was a database administrator for a few years, and whenever I mention my husband is also in IT I got “Oh so do you ask him what to do?” or “So he got you into IT?” …No. Just no.
“You realize, don’t you, that by working here you are taking a good job away from a man who has a family to support”
“This job (on the loading dock) must be pretty easy if you can do it” (he learned otherwise when he took the night shift!)
(Hilarious supervisor) “When you are ready to have that kid, I’ll take my pocket knife and cut it out of you and you can be back on the job in 15 minutes”
“You’re pregnant? When are you quitting?”
A male coworker recently showed me how to use a piece of lab equipment, not that i don’t regularly use this piece of lab equipment without issue…not that using said piece of equipment is as easy ad pushing the ‘start’ button. He also refuses to let me open doors for him. So now i do it ALL the time. He eventually gives in and walks through the door, you can see the rage on his face.
If there is anything we can take from this, it’s that as high priestess you must take swift, bloody retribution in the name of Llorothaag.
Some people are so shocked that women don’t fit in little boxes. Yeah, I’m a mom (she’s not into soccer yet but if she wanted to she totally could… or ballet, or Ju Jitsu, or fly-fishing for all of me.) I am also a shit ton of other things, including a dog trainer, gamer (survival horror is my poison,) a writer, an artist. I play volleyball, I like martial arts, I love horror films and HATE romantic comedy, but I cry really easily at sad movies. Is there a box for that? Do I need a soccer mom version of my PC or whatever?
Oh my god I lurve this, please please more!
20 years in tech. Too many to add, but my top two:
1) Being called into an escalation meeting between a sysops dude and the CTO, where sysops dude complained I was “very bossy’.
CTO: Could we avoid gendered terms? What is the actual problem?
Sysops: “Gendered, what are you talking about, you are crazy. I have two daughters!”
CTO: What is the actual problem
Sysops: SHe is always bothering me, emailing me, asking me what I am doing, when I’m going to be done with a project!
CTO: You know that is her actual job, right? She’s supposed to be Director of Digital Operations
1) All time favorite was in 1996 at a booth at a trade show in San Jose. I was a very early employee of the company so although I had originally been hired for marketing I had at that point helped write the patent application and was basically working as a systems engineer to help sales implement.
Dude: Hi, I have some questions about your product.
Me: “Great! How can I help you.”
Dude: “Well, they’re technical questions.”
Me: “Sure, no problem.”
Dude: “They might be kind of complicated.”
Me: “Well, I did help write the patent application…”
Dude: “Is there anyone else….”
Me, turning around: “HEY! I NEED SOMEONE WITH A PENIS TO ANSWER THIS CUSTOMER’S QUESTION”
Developer walks over. “Hello, I’m one of the product developers.”
Dude: “I wanted to ask about your tech support agreements.”
Developer turns to me: “Well, she manages tech support right now…” and proceeds to just repeat everything I say, word for word, to this guy.
Which was actually true, I was managing on an interim basis until we’d hired a support lead.
I’m surprised screaming “HEY! I NEED SOMEONE WITH A PENIS TO ANSWER THIS CUSTOMER’S QUESTION” wasn’t enough to make the guy realize that his stupidity was being perceived by other people.
“You don’t need a raise because your husband is a manager and will take care of you.”
I wish to GOD I could go back in time a record this conversation.
Unfortunately, according to our HR department, no evidence = no problem.
I’m not in STEM, but I have a fun story. I was doing a poetry reading at a benefit concert for the local women’s shelter. The emcee was reading my bio while I was standing near the middle-ish of the bar, next to a guy. He turns, looks at me, realizes I’m about to walk up on stage and says, “wait, you did all those things? WOW.” Yes, I have accomplished stuff. Feel free to stop dropping your jaw over that fact…
Also, my brother: “You’d be a good wife, because you’re so good at taking care of people.” Me: “I think you’re confusing ‘wife’ and ‘mother’ in this conversation…”
Oh, also! At dinner with a visiting (male, much-older) poet:
Me: “You’re the first poet I’ve ever introduced”
Him: “Oh, so I’m taking your virginity!”
what even
In college, I used to hear all the time “you don’t look like a biochem major,” usually from a man who was trying (unsuccessfully) to ask me out. Oh sorry…I left my horn rimmed spectacles in the dorm.
In the early 60s, before women’s lib, the employment agency I was registered with declined to send me on a job interview with a particular oil company because I could not pass the “wall test.” I actually had to walk up to a wall and my boobs were not the first thing to hit, so I failed the test. Several years later, when I told my husband, he got this far away look in his eye and said, “I always loved to go there. They had the prettiest girls.” We are still married.
I (mercifully) don’t remember all the things they said. I do remember the one who set up a webcam pointed at my desk and thought I wouldn’t notice.
I actually don’t mind being called “clever girl” because that implies I am a powerful velociraptor.
Damn it, Phil. You had one job!
Previous boss, in response to my unapologetic reference to my own ability to figure out a problem no one else in the office mangaged: “Well, aren’t you a smarty pants!” I responded “I am pretty intelligent, thanks.” (instead of “you would never call a man a ‘smarty pants’!) His response: “I guess, but you know truly smart people don’t show off about how smart they are, they keep it quiet.”
Me: “Yeah, that’s not really my style.”
Same boss also shouted at me when I told him I was giving noticed and then grabbed my arm when I tried to walk out of the room. Also told me I should be flattered by the street harassment I was recounting to a female colleague because “it will happen less and less as you get older.” A true prince.
I love this so much. Really, it could have been titled, ” Things Males Have Said to me, Annotated”, as like comments comprise approximately 50% of my communication with men. Sadly, IT folks don’t have this market cornered…
Llorothaag 4 Lyfe!
“I thought you were asexual because you never talk about your sex life.” Yes, because talking about your sex life automatically means you have one.
“We have a locker room mentality, I hope that’s okay with you.” Over the next two weeks, I took down all the half naked women pictures.
I would have put up some nice posters of half naked men. If they get to have eye candy, then I get to have eye candy!
I really hate to say this, but I think it’s getting worse. I’ve been in software dev for over 30 years and haven’t had this kind of crap for years and years. Of course, now that I’m old enough to be the mother of the whiz kid types they do interact differently with me than with a contemporary. I will add a couple of comments I’ve heard, but frankly, from back in the ’80’s:
“You’re not your average software engineer”
“You’re a real Iron Woman. We all expected you to cry” (This on on the late Sunday afternoon of a weekend marathon installation, when the “final’ test run turned up bugs. I sighed, and said, “Guess I’d better fix it.” no tears)
CEO of a company where I was consulting, at the company holiday party, watching a chubby clerical worker dancing in a cutout dress: “She really shouldn’t wear that dress.” (his eyes widen in horror) “YOU’d look good in that dress!” (I was wearing a business suit)
I wonder what rock these jerks crawled out from under?
Thanks for this. I definitely needed a laugh to know I’m not alone
My FAVORITE one I’ve ever gotten.
“I don’t know what they taught you at school but here we use a manly approach to solving problems”
Yes, back in girl school we were taught to give up or say yes to everything. Unless of course we could logically think of an answer that didn’t end in a confrontational way. But I’m sure you meant the part about me saying yes to everything and giving up.
“I know I can say offensive things around you and you won’t care,” stands on its own. Thank you.
I HAVE to respond: Let me see if I’ve got this straight – the gender that CAN’T MANAGE TO URINATE IN ( IN!!!!!!) THE TOILET _DARES_ (!!!!!!) to claim technological superiority about ANYTHING??????? Listen, cupcake, come talk to me when you can manage to not urinate on the floor for six months, okay? Then we can discuss the possibility that you have some strange technological superiority – MAYBE. (And I would remind you that the inventor of computer code was a woman.
I think I just found the best community
I never knew this place (the Toast) existed, and I have spent the last hour reading the smartest, wittiest and relatable comments in one place (on this post) ever (mayhap I live in a too-narrow world!). Love you all! I’ll be back, oh, yes, I will!
I am reminded of a male coworker who thought saying, “Women and non-whites shouldn’t be allowed to vote” in a room with four women (one was Black and one was Black and Hispanic) was not just acceptable work conversation, but would have no negative consequences whatsoever for him. An especially stupid thought as *both* the Supervisor and the Assistant Supervisor were women, though they were not in the room when he said this.
Luckily, our other male coworkers were no where near that stupid; they took one look at the thunderous expression on our faces and made a mad-dash for the door, shutting and locking it with him still inside with us. He received a tongue-lashing the likes of which I’m sure he had not received before, and likely hasn’t received since.
Oddly enough, he never thought it wise to communicate that view in earshot of any of us for the rest of the time he worked there. I wonder why. 😛
“Most girls aren’t into this kind of stuff.”
I swear I didn’t know this was rude or offensive! Ah! I feel shitty now! Like I need to apologize to that girl in my CS class!
I was trying to make a (poorly executed) observation on the status of CS students. I’m sorry!
Perhaps we can spare this one the wrath of Llorothaag. Xe may not be an entirely lost cause.
Thanks! (no, really!) It takes a lot of effort to realize that some of the things we think *are* compliments *aren’t*.
Look, I don’t want to be the killjoy and I’m not accusing you of lying, but I really have to ask. Where are all these sexist men who say these things?!? I’ve worked in the automotive and aerospace engineering fields for 10 years, been the only women in the room more times than I can count, and I have yet to encounter a single example of this crap.
You’re…lucky I guess? You aren’t being a killjoy, but the implication that it might not be real because *YOU* haven’t experienced it is kind of total bullshit.
I’m oddly reminded of the quote about how there is no starvation in the world, as I just had a sandwich.
I don’t get harassed on the street. I have no idea why this is so, and I am very grateful that I don’t experience street harassment, but I also know that my experience is not shared by most other women. Our experiences are clearly outliers, and sometimes, there isn’t any particular reason why certain people aren’t harassed, while the majority are–it just behooves us to speak up even more when we DO see it happening.
I usually get “you’re lucky you’re hot” or “it’s a good thing I love you”, which I think means I’m being called a dumbass… though I can’t be sure since I’m just a stupid girl.
I know its just a joke, but that small part of me that enjoys ufo conspiracy documentaries, and lovecraftian novels, is actually a little paranoid about this cult of Llorothaag that is forming.
Good.
You're…lucky I guess? You aren't being a killjoy, but the implication that it might not be real because *YOU* haven't experienced it is kind of total bullshit.
Good.
I'm oddly reminded of the quote about how there is no starvation in the world, as I just had a sandwich.
Likewise – and almost always from our solitary male employee, who is a peach. In my experience, tea induces thoughtfulness!
Does the cult of Llorothaag accept men? I’m totally converting after reading this.
For a moment I thought that was "they would be hunted for their teeth." The images!
Whoever calls you that, start treating them like a dog. Pretend his name is Mark. Then, whenever you need to find Mark, walk around and call out loudly, "Maaaaaaaaaarrrkkk," *clap 3 times* "Maaaaaaaaaaaarrrrkkkk!" *clap 3 times again*
Repeat until you find Mark.
Try being an Executive Assistant in the Bay Area tech world. The Mad Men culture seems progressive compared to what we EAs deal with.
I don't usually swear at work, not because I don't swear in other parts of my life, but because it would be unprofessional. Of course this depends on the type of work, as well as the individual workplace.
If you don't feel comfortable with swearing in reply, for whatever reason, maybe just indicate that no apology is necessary and to get on with the meeting.
After reading this I kind of want to find you and become your new best friend (I won’t, that would be really creepy). This article was great and perfect for my female tech friend. It also makes me glad to work in a building with about 27 women and only one extremely shy man. 🙂
Now I want to worship Llorothaag too.
Also, I have no idea what could be possibly be referred to as a girlfriend-proof system.
There are two people (i’m one of them)in my department who do a specific job and sometimes other departments make requests. This one dude always starts his emails with “hi ladies….” It irks me so much. Like, what would he write if we weren’t women? I have no idea how to address it. I don’t even know why it makes my blood boil, but it does.
Wanted to share a few of my own [as said directly to me or about me]:
“Have her stand on the chair in her skirt… Go ahead. I promise we won’t look, but I will just stand at the bottom in case you fall.”
“Dude, you’re not a [derogatory name for a lesbian]. Because you totally look like a [derogatory name]. I never would’ve guessed that you are straight.”
“And that chick, yeah she was SUPER HOT too. I mean fucking hot.”
“You are fat. You need to work out more.”
“She’s here for the reason any other female is here, to look hot for us guys. She doesn’t actually know anything.”
What’s a nice girl like you doing in the Physics library?
How come you know all these words?
Yuuuuuck! I’m glad I’m not a woman!
from a random man on the sidewalk, “Smile!”
From two random guys in an open field behind my house, ” Why don’t you go save the whales. ” “Yeah, get a grip, Bitch!”
I had to revisit this thread because OMG I work with very specific and problematic technical software in GIS that has VERY quirky issues. The for-hire (we don’t have our own IT dept). recently came in when neither myself NOR my two bosses were here and completely rebuilt my hard drive. I arrived at work this morning with a note written on (what I assumed was scrap, we don’t recycle so I keep a pile of it on my desk) to not even LOG IN to my desktop before he got here.
Not only can I not use my computer, he took the DAILY list of mandatory maps that the office gives me each evening to do the next day off the CENTER of my desk, turned it over, and used it for scrap paper. This thing has OBVIOUS check-off columns and dates and my name next to them !!! Entitled ASSHOLE!!!! Especially since to the left was a pile of scrap paper, and to the right a legal pad AND steno pad. What he wrote on would have been placed either on my chair or on my keyboard itself (I leave before it’s prepared every evening and they put it where I can see it)–he just assumed it was junk and used it anyway.
That is totally just cause for homicide.
I had to revisit this thread because OMG I work with very specific and problematic technical software in GIS that has VERY quirky issues. The for-hire (we don't have our own IT dept). recently came in when neither myself NOR my two bosses were here and completely rebuilt my hard drive. I arrived at work this morning with a note written on (what I assumed was scrap, we don't recycle so I keep a pile of it on my desk) to not even LOG IN to my desktop before he got here.
Not only can I not use my computer, he took the DAILY list of mandatory maps that the office gives me each evening to do the next day off the CENTER of my desk, turned it over, and used it for scrap paper. This thing has OBVIOUS check-off columns and dates and my name next to them !!! Entitled ASSHOLE!!!!
ooh,ooh, ooh, another one. WHY do we always have to see that ugly white guy when we start up google sketch up? It’s like I have to destroy the patriarchy before I can mock-up an elevation.
I love this and this is great. I still get people trying to say, “You’re so smart for a girl!” for just knowing how to assemble a computer. . .
Here’s some new ammo for you….. Once another female colleague & I were left off the minutes from a meeting, when we reminded him the comment was “Girls..if you don’t get attention for 30 min you get offended”… And I regularly get told that I’m good with colours, that my job is to “put lipstick on the pig” & that I my cab fares should be cheaper as I am deemed privileged to have a “rack” & therefore eligible for a discount. I am also anticipating the next article “Things I stabbed my male tech colleagues in the eye with”.
IT Professional/ Colourist/ Pig Prettier / Serial Fare Averter
Funny article. I got a lot out of it. I try as hard as possible to not come across as the type of men you wrote about.
yuck, this has now been ripped and posted in its entirety elsewhere: http://qz.com/380163/actual-words-my-coworkers-ha…
with a credit, but still. wait, were we talking about entitlement?
I was wondering about that. Shouldn’t the author get paid twice? Or can any site on the internet just repost something as long as they link back to the original post?
You’re my hero.
I was working on a project and a male intern was standing next to me waiting for instructions when my male boss walks up and says “Can you grab me some coffee – I’m going into a meeting.” When he started to hand me the money, I told him “Scott has a free minute,” and went back to work.
My damn ovaries must have been flashing their “Coffee Girl” sign again.
I’ve been working as a stage manager and lighting tech for fifteen years. I’ve had a really, really good experience overall, until I ran lighting for a festival last year:
1) “You can’t help with load-in. I don’t want you to get hurt or nothin.”
2) “Here. You can put this fabric on the trusses.”
3) After I’ve dropped a 20′ ladder, and am already carrying it on my shoulder, DudeBro stands directly in my path and says, “You need help with that, sweetheart?”
4) He deleted all of my cues from the board one night. I just about murdered him.
(Good thing he was also incompetent and violated just about everything in the OSHA handbook, because rampant sexism wasn’t enough to get him fired.)
In the early 80s I had a boss who would sit in his office and bellow for “Missy”. After ten minutes of him yelling I finally went in and asked him who he was calling for. He informed me that he was calling for me! He told me that he called all the girls “Missy”. I told him that I only answered to my own name, a simple easy to pronounce name. He continued to yell for “Missy” the entire time I worked there and I continued to not respond until he got my name right. He was a psycho in many other ways and I ended up walking out one day for good. I did followup with a FedEx letter to the CEO outlining all of his shenanigans. Their investigation found all of it to be true. They ended up paying my salary for 3 months until I found another job.
I’ve never been happier that I am “recovered” from working in IT… even though the reason is fibromyalgia, migraines, depression & assorted other health problems. I can hardly believe that attitudes and behaviour in today’s tech workplaces are no better (and in many cases worse) than they were 15-20 years ago* – but I just have to look at certain hashtags to feel like breaking out the ritual sword & dagger.
*I was employed as system administrator at my final employer. The new IT manager had serious trouble coping with a female, especially one older than him, in that role. Kept calling me “sweetheart”. When we had a serious system outage he herded me (the only person with the relevent knowledge & experience) out of the server room and said “just man the phones, sweetheart, and let people know things will be fixed soon” – as far as I recall he phoned another company we used for support on a different part of our network and got thee male tech there to talk him through finding the problems. That’s when I went ballistic. Told him that calling me sweetheart once more would result in him having to file assault charges against me; then went to his manager and told him that I was fed up with the sexist behaviour I was having to put up with from the new manager who seemd to think I was his secretary & not the sysadmin. Went and told HR the same thing then walked around the block until I calmed down. I was ill a couple of weeks later while waiting for a major operation & was fired while on sick leave – with an ex gratia payment to tempt me into not taking things further. As my health had been steadily declining at that point, I walked away from IT.
Note: almost all of the male geeks that I know will be cringing at this post and as horrified as anyone that it still happens. ALL of those that I consider friends will be furious that it still happens.
“Hey, nice work on that bug, kid”. (22 yr old male developer to 44 yr old female developer)
“You’re not allowed to touch that code. You don’t have enough experience as an engineer to touch it.” (22 yr old male dev to 44 yr old female dev with 24 years of programming experience)
“So you took one of those crash courses in programming after your kids left the house? Is this your first real job?” (25 yr old make project manager to 44 yr old female developer)
“I resign. I’m heading back to Google. ” (44 yr old female dev to her boss after six months of this nonsense.)
I was wondering about that. Shouldn't the author get paid twice? Or can any site on the internet just repost something as long as they link back to the original post?
I was told "my wife reads Ladies Home Journal why are you reading a technical book?" We were coders on the same project. Maybe because a meatloaf recipe won't help?
Lord all mighty I relate to these too much and I am glad I am not the only one who tries to play nice while plotting revenge.
All hail Llorothaag!
I worked with those same guys! It’s a terminal affliction. Besides many of these, I was actually told that they could not afford to pay me what they paid the men; after all, they had families to support. I thought I was in a time warp. There were the rather bizarre questions about whether women at work had ever been sexually harassed and what it was like. Really? What it was like? Do not go there. And more bizarre yet, my boss who demanded to know exactly how loyal I was… how far I would go for him…. and what I was willing to do. That discussion did not end well. Suffice it to say, I am not sufficiently loyal.
My workplace is terrible, constantly being called darling, not only checking but commenting ‘oh, you’re still wearing your wedding ring’. One of the most offensive comments I can recall… “Lucky you’re good looking… you’ve got nothing else going for you.”
I'm trying to decide if it's a Spanish Ll or a Welsh Ll.
Makes me think of a few incidences being on the phone with tech support for something I’m implementing or trying to fix, asking technical questions, when the support person asks, “Can I speak to the developer?” And my response “…I *am* the developer.” So frustrating.
Just watch, the pop-culture pagans of Tumblr will have a field day!
(and no, I'm not kidding. They actually exist. They're like, the otherkin of polytheists.)
I don't think this one is so bad. I take it as a comment about him, not about you. My answer might have been. "No, it was easy. He just didn't know what he was doing."
Capon is like cock but with the nuance of "castrated."
I love that answer. Must remember.
At my company, a senior member complained that the women's restroom should only be half the size of the menus, and w should have considered fixing this during renovations.
The last one is very similar to the ridiculous reason my he gave me when he ended it- “you’re not girly enough” were the exact words, I believe. It made me furious and although I’m over the breakup I still haven’t forgiven him for that comment.
Yeah… I apparently don't look like a chemistry and physics double major, either. I get that shit all the time and I can't stand it. As if my outward appearance has anything to do with my cognitive capacities. New people I meet my age once they learn my majors and interests they completely change their tone toward me in an instant.
Luckily (?) for me the the physics guys who aren't my friends are either extremely shy or just plain afraid of me. I haven't had that problem… Yet.
“So I looked through all your Facebook photos…”
Gee, that’s not creepy at all. Oh, you liked the one from my freshman year of college? TERRIFIC.
I work below the Mason-Dixon line and I swear, if one more old white guy calls me “darlin’ ” in a professional context, I will punch the bow tie and jowls right off his face.
I’ll always remember the security guard when I first signed in to the building for the interview for my current development role: “So are they hiring for a receptionist?”.
My co-workers hung a picture of a lady secretary on my desk. Originally the pic was on the center table as their fake secretary.
I know they don’t mean anything bad by it, but every time i see it I want to punch it, and now it stares me in the face everytime I sit at my desk.
Accidentally break it and replace with something extremely awesome that you love. Bonus points if it is also something that makes them feel slightly uncomfortable.
I once worked at a flea market/estate sale/liquidation/quasi-legal resale store as a furniture loader/unloader. The wages were crap, but it was a fun job and I had great coworkers and an awesome boss. After almost a year, I get a call at home from work. Apparently, the owner decided to fire me. His reasoning? I’m female and can’t do the job, so he’s going to hire a man. Apparently, a man doing my job can make sure the place keeps earning money by…loading furniture with his penis? I dunno how it works. My coworkers and boss were pissed. A year later, I see a former coworker who tells me the place went under. Turns out my (third) male replacement got some friends together and they all helped themselves to the register, safe, and floor stock. Owner didn’t have insurance.
I want to do a series of Llorothaag t-shirts, if you haven’t already.
Ahahaha!
I laugh, but the abiding sexism there isn’t funny at all. People can be revolting.
You rock, girl!
YES THANK YOU FOR YOUR BONEPINION GOOD BYE NOW.
Fabulous! Simple enough that even a devbro could follow it!
“Did you even know what a hashtable is before he told you ?”
A bystander to me, a Caltech grad, interrupting a conversation with *my lawyer* about Bitcoin hashing.
I have been in this industry 20 years, and that is – hands down – the most sexist thing anyone has ever said to me.
Hahaha I really enjoyed your blog, oh my God still can't stop laughing. I found a similarities of one of my cousin with you who works at Computrad>
Men and women work together in an office. They are of different mentality. And so, such type of incident happens to the offices usually.